#he's really freaking out huh LOL look at him having a breakdown!!!!!!!!! i hate him!!!!!!!!

[insomnya777]

so so normal about your au,,, so I drew joel plus gay people !!

OMG???? i love this!!1!!1!2!1!1

[icharchivist]

Square really had no faith in this game doing well if they didn't frontload it with popular characters, huh

Honestly that's the feeling i get.

I will forever remember this interview before the Remake came out of one of the main dev of the game (who had gone on record saying he Hated Zack btw -- i still have the magazines with this interview in it!!! bc the guy was the guy focused on Sephiroth and the Zack plotline replaced his initial plot) was talking about "we know fans are looking forward to go back to their favorite, like Cloud, Sephiroth and Zack, and i hope the remake will make them appreciate to see their favs again who have left such an impact on people", and it raised fucking red flags to me because in what circumstances are those the characters you narrow down from ff7, especially THIS GUY. Especially when the game OPENS on Aerith.

Genuinely red flags that they were genuinely worried about how the game would do without those three being there despite the fact Sephiroth and Zack couldn't be there if they followed the plot of the OG

Like i think they were caught in a contradictory set up of, they knew fans liked the setting of Midgar, and would love to see it expended, so they wanted to focus the remake entirely on the first Midgar parts of the OG.

Midgar parts that are *not that long*, so to make it a coherent game, you'd need a lot of padding.

While ALSO the fact the Midgar part plot is extremely tight in term of timing, this is where the game is at its most linear, so it's not like there's a lot of room in the narrative of the OG itself to insert supplementary content.

while ALSO the fact that the most memorable things of the game, (aside perhaps from Wall Market that even people who never played the OG knew about because of all the memes and stuff) are ways later in the game.

Sephiroth is a legendary villain, everyone knows his iconography, if you saw him in KH or Dissidia or like that Smash Bros Trailer, would expect a couple of things about him. But all of those itterations of Sephiroth came from Late Game Sephiroth.

But Sephiroth was legendary because of the frankly unsettling slow burn they do to reveal him, to show you the extend of his power, and showing how slowly he eventually gets to pay attention to the main group. The threat of Sephiroth comes from the unsettling way he's set up, but everyone in pop culture knows bits of Late Game Sephiroth.

And as his whole thing was a slow built, he doesn't appear at all in Midgar. He gets mentioned in some conversations in ways that only makes you think there's a shared past going on, then you see the aftermath of his crimes, and it's only once you leave Midgar that you then get to hear Cloud's flashbacks about Sephiroth, and even much more later that you actually meet him.

And Sephiroth's biggest move is a way he will start to manipulate Cloud slowly but surely in a way that that is difficult to explain but require also the slow built the OG made. I think like. The thing about the beginning of the OG is that lots of Cloud's mental breakdown has nothing to do with Sephiroth (or at least not Sephiroth as he in right now, at best it's from memories). So once the Sephiroth stuff enter the pictures you kinda get to freak out because you dismissed Cloud's mental breakdowns as just this kind of weird thing but it's fine right? into seeing how the line between "mental breakdowns out of memories" and "mental breakdowns because Sephiroth is influencing him" start to blur.

This line never existed in the Remake because almost every single time Cloud has a break down, Sephiroth appear to be ominous. lol. lmao even.

then we also have Zack. Poor Zack. A mystery that is built through the entire OG, passing mentions and seeing Cloud barely flinch, and how it's his existence that ends up used in a way that triggers Cloud so badly it triggers the apocalypse. In a way the player also gets to follow the horror of Cloud losing his mind because you never left Cloud's point of view when Zack is concerned and all the reveals will hit you just as hard.

but Zack is legendary because of what this reveal tells you about his character. He was already beloved before the prequel even came around because of how just what you could connect once you knew what to look for. And then the prequel came out and Zack became one of the most popular character from the whole FF saga. because he's charming and fun and tragic.

But it doesn't happen before the late part of the game. So what do you do now? Square decided to just reveal him from the start instead of realizing people have been obsessed with Zack for years because of the way his absence is built.

One of the most well known scene is also the Major Character Death, considered a death of legend. In the game it is built to it slowly because of what the character it involves grow into the more they learn into this journey. In the remake they already lampshade all of this in a way the character sound a lot more self important than they were at this point.

and all of that for what?? i'm near the end of the game and no matter what it still seems unfinished as hell. I don't get the feeling i got a whole game experience that maybe could have a follow up, i feel like i played an overlong first part of a game with a weirdly stitched on ending.

because they couldn't trust the fans would follow and they had to rewrite a whole main plot to change things.

*bites fist and screams* seems like i'll die mad about it huh. man.

[ashes-in-a-jar]

Tma relisten Episodes 11-15

So this round already has two other posts out of it about Oliver because he Bae.

These have alot of ideas regarding entities changing around reality, controlling non victims to set the stage, and turning around what people love most to their worst fear. Also insane abilities of the crew to obtain hard to access info and evidence! And some more Jon sass. Enjoy!

11 dreamer

Wow this episode had alot. I made a separate post with a theory about Oliver's statement here and a realization regarding him and Jane Prentiss here. They are alot to unpack

Oliver is so. Freaking. Relatable! Learned economics and hated it. Nearly had a breakdown like him because of it. "going to stay with some of the few friends that had survived my year of stress-fuelled outbursts and constantly cancelled plans." yep. That.

Boyfriend Graham ey? You notebook eating Graham?? Wow that guy is full of surprises.

I love the dream sequences and their descriptions it's a really beautiful thing to try and picture.

Its interesting how he went from passive to desparate to passive again about death. He tries but can't help. I wonder when the dreams started to bother him so much he sought after the silence of point Nemo. Was it when they became so full of red because of the apocalypse coming closer? Hmmm

Another person named John. I guess that makes sense it's a common name. But I forgot how many people are fully named in this podcast. Hundreds of names to come up with! Jonny I'm quite impressed!

He worked with Jane Prentiss in the magic shop! I can't believe I forgot about that! Wow small avatar world indeed.

"It led me to a room, the label of which was still visible, and read “Archive”. I entered to see walls covered with shelves and cabinets stretching off into the distance. These shelves were coated in a sticky black tar, which I knew at that moment was the thickened, pulpy blood that pumped through each and every one of those veins." everything that has to do with the Fears I bet. Full of death and destruction and stolen from the veins to be out on display for the Eye's pleasure.

Yo Jon is scared of this he's seriously considering going to Elias for advice

" I had Tim look into it, as I don’t entirely trust the others not to have written it as a practical joke" wait. He trusts TIM? Not to do a practical joke? How. Why. Eh?

"died in the line of duty" fuck you Jonah.

Now Jon will get every new statement immediately when it's made. Perhaps this was Elias' intention all along. To scare him into making sure he does not miss any paranormal activity recorded by the institute.

12 first aid

I'm not immune to more Gerry badassery, hell yeah

And we get polish Martin which hell yeah! Even if Jon doesn't believe it. I'm sure he's repressing the fact that he's thoroughly impressed.

I think it's really interesting the effect entities have on people who are decidedly not their victims. Everyone leaving no questions so the entity can set the scene for the scare. Like with Gillespie how no one lived in the apartment building he was in etc. Alot of work into a handful of people being genuinely scared.

Gerry's burns stopped at the neck? How did he manage that. Also it's hilarious to imagine that he's like "yes burn all of me but please. not my goth makeup"

Zippo lighter with eye design!! And Jon has web design! They are brothers (joke but still really interesting)

Liquids were boiling around her and she didn't feel the heat. Also an interesting effect just for the scare.

Gerry got eye superpowers like Jon if he can function while injure and filled with painkillers.

“Yes. For you, better beholding than the lightless flame.” Gerry knew she'd be haunted by a Fear from that day on and realised that perhaps being watched would be easier for her specifically to deal with than the Desolation. I guess that's a way of assessing people. Which fear would least bother you.

Jon is already enamoured with Gerry you can tell. He can't wait to hear more from him. Just you wait Jon.

They really can access alot of information huh. CCTV Interviews files. Pretty impressive for a non-research team. They're so good at it they'd rather do that than actual archiving.

13 alone

The sound editing in this episode is not that great it was a bit to get used to.

We get a glimpse at the Lukases which is... Ugh

Jon is actually trying to be nice. Granted it's not working and she is a bit of a standoffish person herself who just went through a bad time but alot of her reactions are not his fault. He was trying to be considerate giving her space to record but he did stay when she asked.

She had already leaned into the Lonely before the incident it's interesting to see how some of these statements start with a person actually liking the aspect that later turns to fear. Same happens in lost johns' cave.

Evan Lukas sounds like an avatar of the exact opposite of the Lonely. At least to her. That's a really interesting effect from someone, especially a Lukas.

But maybe dying wasn't his family killing him but him not feeding his patron which he tried to leave. Really tragic.

She was in Martin's domain eyyy!

It's got a bit of buried aspects to it with the grave stuff and all.

"My fingers dug into the soft cemetery dirt as I looked around desperately for anything I could use to save myself, and my hand closed upon that heavy piece of headstone. It took all my self-control to keep a grip on that anchor, as I slowly dragged myself away from the edge of my lonely grave." The headstone was her anchor? But it said forgotten. I wonder how it helped her pull away. It probably had to go together with Evan's voice. Like the rib and the tape recorders having to work together! I just wonder what meaning the stone had for her.

"I’d be tempted to chalk this one up to a hallucination from stress and trauma, if it wasn’t for the fact... " God he does believe her heavens. He's not a skeptic!

This is when Jon's dreams start which... Good luck Jon.

14 piecemeal

Rentoul is terrifying sonofabitch and I would never want to meet him irl

I remembered them talking about how he was supposed to be a person who cursed alot and they couldn't do it because of sensor and I have to agree this could have been much better for the story. I tried imagining curses in some places.

LOL Jon reading this is funny. Trying to voice act the bad boy. Doesn't sound right on his voice.

With these kinds of statements happening alot where the person does something bad, the institute has to be in touch with police over them. The nda has to include that.

Hello Angela! I really wonder what her deal is. She scared the bid bully so she gotta have creepy vibes to the extreme.

Another lighter! Hmm do I have to start following the lighter motiff in this podcast. This one has a topless woman on it. Flesh lighter?

Salesa's also appearing that's cool! Noriega was probably looking for an artifact to reverse the curse. Didn't work tho since they left with the crate. The buried crate perhaps?

I'm wondering. Was this written? Because the statement sounds like he's talking. If so, Where's the recording?

Oh Jon your attitude towards Martin is so bad. He works so hard and it's not even in what he's good at, sorting and filing like he knows how to do from the library. God.

What's the deal with all the furniture gone? Did he think it'll help not get injured? He's not that smart if he thought that would help him.

15 lost Johns' cave

Ack a bad statement she was not a good person all around

Another example of the entities setting the stage by controlling others not to interfere with the victim's experience.

Also another example of the person liking the subject (cave exploration in this case. And the dark for that matter) only for it to turn against them.

Not much to say about this one other than its one of the scarier ones for sure. And her recording in the end is really the cherry on top. There is alot of discrepancy between what she believed happened and what actually did which shows how much the fear plays with and changes around reality. That's also how she manages to lie in a statement to Beholding. It wasn't a lie. It was her version of reality and she did not remember saying those awful words.

Taught me alot about cave diving and how much I will never do it in my life.

The Dark was mixed into this as well so it wasn't purely Buried.

Btw Where did she get the candles she was found with?

It feels like she made a choice. Didn't want to spend her last moments with her sister and then didn't want to die. She chose her sister to be taken over her. Her sister called for help and the candle coming closer might have been her! But she just shut her eyes.

How did Tim gain access to the recording?? Wow that's some prime evidence.

Martin is claustrophobic amongst other things huh? Live how Jon just dismisses this as an excuse not to work. At least he didn't push it.

[lovecanbesostrange]

There was no reason for Station 19 to go that hard on all fronts, but wow they did. I honestly watched S1+2 mostly out of habit, but S3 was like cleaning house, setting everybody up as a character with their personal flashback gave them far more layers and now I truly care. Thanks. Well, and then Grey’s happened and I cried for like half the episode...........

Maya and Jack have definitely profitted the most from the shift in tone and the character development overhaul. And I liked both their storylines. Maya dealing with all that crap from her father and coming to terms with why she maybe isn’t 100% ready for this very steady relationship and sharing all her emotions was great. Can she tell Carina everything she told Andy? In almost exactly this way, please? Because being afraid of slipping and finding these moments and naming what she has trouble with adjusting to - that is all good. And Carina is one of the most compassionate and patient people (from the limited scenes we have had with her over the years). Dear Maya, if you communicate, she will be there for you.

And wow, Carina than talking about her home and her own fears. Magnificent. Early days of covid? All the horrible, horrible news from Italy come to mind. So thanks writers for building that international bridge. (I wonder how any Italian tv shows that will incorporate the pandemic will deal with this. Every country has their very unique story in this.)

Of course we will see nice side characters getting covid and probably die. Gonna keep my fingers crossed for Marsha nonetheless. Jack having this make-shift family did wonders for his character and I don’t want him to take a blow. It’s a found family on the side, not bound by trade and I like it. I love that thanks to Marcus the masks with plastic windows were mentioned (even tying back to Dr. Riley’s visit to Grey-Sloan. Good job.

Well, Miller and Sullivan. That all happened. And I am exactly 0% qualified to discuss the issues raised. I do empathise with Sullivan a bit more (not that I dismiss Miller’s points, because like Sullivan and Warren say, he is right). Because I absolutely hate this thing were being part of a (minority) group makes you the spokesperson and you get judged far more harshly. And then also taking in-group crap about it. Yes, it is how the world is. But it’s unfair. (And tbh luckily Sullivan hurt mostly himself and he did stand up and face any consequence coming his way. And yes, he was the kind of person to always tell everybody else to better not make mistakes *blablabla* and look, he fell down that high horse... I do think that is something Miller pointed out very rightfully.)

Glad Travis talked to his dad. And I do like the way he did. Just letting him know he knows and leaving that door open. His breakdown about how the church/religion is letting gay people down, while so many sins are just forgiven... damn. Hard to watch. And if just one viewer watching suddenly went like “huh, fucked up”, it was worth it.

Vic is the unsung hero of this episode. I loved how she kept defending that drugged up dude. Yes, he is stupid and it’s horrifying that he stays with his obviously abusive wife, but also keeps drugs around and just... lives like this. But she kept talking about how he didn’t mean to hurt anybody else and that he needed help far more than punishment. Travis and Vic are both good people, but in that situation I think most of us would react more like Travis. Being annoyed, mouthing back and wanting those two shut the fuck up. It’s a normal reaction. What Vic said is the harder choice. And it felt like there was an untold story there.

Okay, wow, much to say about Station 19 for once. But oh boy, Grey’s...........

I remember the “early” episodes we met Bailey’s father. And then we barely talked about her parents. They were somewhere in the background. Until in “(Don’t) Fear the Reaper” we met her mom, got that whole thing with her dead sister and got this picture of her early home life. It was really good. And last week her parents get mentioned again, because hey, elderly people. AND NOW THEY TELL US HER MOM HAD ALZHEIMER’S AND THEN SHE DIED............................................................... it was so fucking heartbreaking start to finish.

And I love all the quiet scenes we got out of this that are just so human. Sad and human. Bailey talking to Meredith, saying she misses her and relating to the whole seeing your mom withering away (so dying twice in a way). I like the use of the beach, because Meredith is semi-conscious, she hears it all, but she just can’t wake up long enough. And then Maggie and Bailey on that bench.

Two people sitting on a bench, talking. Nothing special happens. They don’t need to distract by having them in a busy hallway or somethng. It’s a whole ass conversation with no shorthand. Showing all the emotions. Having Maggie go back to that time her mother died and how she views it all in a different light now. Talking about dying with dignity. Chandra Wilson was so good in this scene. (Her best performance to me will probably always be when Charles died in front of those elevators, I can cry just thinking about that.) And she was allowed such a variety of feelings. And the pain of it all brings up joyful memories. Thanks so much for that hilarity that her scholarship came from the fucking Daughters of the Revolution. HA!

I don’t get people who still watch Grey’s and the relationship drama is the thing they care most about. This is what I’m here for first - the personal lives and relating to all these emotions (and also the mistakes and the way to do better next time).

Well, at least Tom got better quick, I guess. Nice way to give Amelia a reason to get to work for a day and thus have her confronting Teddy. Look, I am done with storylines involving cheating and all. Teddy as a character is often hard to like. But the way she is isolated and like the most contact she has is with DeLuca when he updates her on Meredith’s vitals... it’s harsh. And I liked that Amelia can talk to her without making her feel more terrible. And then I did like Teddy talking to Tom, who was his charming self in the end. Bonuspoints for mentioning that the kids are with Owen’s mom. And hey, I give this to Owen, I believe this must be hard for him, because being a dad is the biggest deal for him. Actually something to make him more likeable - if handled correctly - and this situation sucks for him as well.

Which brings me to Link. Who was left at the Grey home. With Zola, Bailey, Ellis and Scout. Wow. Who would have thought? Amelia’s pregnancy was a good thing, I guess, to give them the excuse of baby time and also Link sorta moving in to deal with all the kids. (Shipping all of them off to their own living Grandma isn’t an option. lol ) Link is a good dude. So please, okay, it was news to him, no need to hate on Tom, push through the irritation, Link! Ahahahahaha.

Jackson being so nervous about his mom being a bit too proud to always keep her mask on - wonderful. Sure, she’s a doctor, she’s also stubborn and he was so scared of losing her not that long ago. Family drama everywhere! I always like seeing Jackson and Webber together. And then they had another big talk, hammering home the fact that people are affected differently. That it’s worse for poor people and not by accident, but systemic problems, most of them are PoCs. So many black and brown patients dying left and right, and it’s clear where the problem starts... I do believe for some viewers this is actually news, because the “news media” they consume won’t talk about that.

So, well, and then there is the Jo of it all. OMG where do I even start? Now, first off, Levi and Jo living together is still hilarious and thanks so much for getting two scenes at the loft. Especially that first one with Levi pretty much pushing her out of bed. Now, I do want Levi to talk to his mom, I desperately need to know how things are. I’m sure the pandemic has shed some new light on what’s important. Second I’m also glad Levi is with Jo, so she is not alone, which makes it harder for her to fall into really bad habits and down that depression hole.

I kinda freaked out seeing Val again and was sure she’s gonna die (might still happen aaaaah). They have a tendency to kill the nice ladies. Still haven’t forgiven Grey’s for killing CeCe. So it was cool that the surgery was a success and wow, did I love when Jo sent Levi out to just listen to Val and connect. And then the baby delivery happened and....... what is going on? Jo even just casually thinking about switching specialties? TO OB?????????? WHAT?????? Dear writers, you dropped the ball on her entire medical journey so often, giving her a bonkers fellowship, having her residency take way too long and shoving her into general, because oops no mentor or anything. And now you give me this? Please, so this is how I would accept this as a set-up for an actual carthartic moment:

Let Jo stalk Carina, play out this thought “what if this thing that made me happy for a day is the thing I am supposed to do longer”. And then let her have joyous moments, but also something complicated, and finally a very distressed woman in labor. And Jo feels for the woman, is compassionate and all and when the baby is there, the woman struggles to connect. And this joyous second is withheld from Jo. And boom, full circle, this woman feels like shit for not loving that baby instantly, for the feeling of resentment and being out of her mind. And finally Jo can forvige Vicki. And that’s the end of that particular journey.

I mean we all pretend that we have forgotten that time Jo stole a baby, right? Because that was the S16 hiatus and there was a storyline set in motion that blew up with Justin leaving like that. And we have had Jo interacting with babies and new moms so often over the course of the show. While also staiting that Jo’s self-worth is tied to being in an OR, which is also her safe space. So this whole thing...

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that Addison was the attending OB/GYN once upon a time. (”I’m being stalked by pregnant women!” “You are an obstetrician.”) She was also a fetal surgeon, which was what Arizona eventually became. So it’s not like when Meredith wore pink scrubs for a few weeks and got made fun of. There could be a long interesting road that eventually does include  surgeries. But it’s just so....... dumb. In a way. Especially with Jo having so many issues. And the writers - who give out pregnancies and babies like halloween candy - constantly skipping a potential Jolex-as-parents-storyline.... which kinda bites them in the ass now. ugh F R U S T R A T I O N......... I could write a five page essay just about Jo so far this season, I’m sorry. (Also if I ever have to see Jo in pink scrubs, a part of my brain will explode thinking back to Jason for sure.............)

Oh, and then there was Ben Warren. Just existing. Being a good man. Thanks. :3

[strawbaehwi]

wanna one meeting your family — thanksgiving dinner special

where your s/o meets your family on thanksgiving

a/n

I wasn’t going to update today, but since it was thanksgiving I decided to type something up to show thanks. this doesn't have thanksgiving involved in it that much or at all shush, but just imagine it was on thanksgiving lol thanks

jisung

jisung would get a little nervous to begin with. like he would hesitate before even entering the door. “dON’T RING THE DOORBELL YET” “give me a second” “I don’t wanna ring the doorbell, you ring it” “I didn’t mean it pleASE DON’T RING IT YET” it was to the point where your parents just came to open the door because they could legit hear jisung from inside the house. you guys would settle for dinner as you introduced him to your family and whatnot. you’d expect your mom, aunties, and grandma to talk to you about usual girl things. like gossip, recent shows watched, how hot lee jongsuk is, but like the whole night consists of jisung gossiping with your family over and over again. 

sungwoon

sungwoon would pretend to be the calmest person ever, but on the inside, he’s completely freaking out. “pshh I got this, they’re gonna love me. ring the doorbell babe” but then as soon as he steps into the house, yeah uhh, the “manly” side of him goes away “um...baby I lied, I don’t got this”  he would pretend to be okay but you knew how he felt. especially because he was fidgeting A LOT. but as time passed by he got more confident and showed off his true personality with your family. and as soon he goes home he’ll legit pray to the gods that your family actually liked him, which they did.

minhyun

minhyun would look calm and is actually calm. he’s not that worried about meeting your family because he’s pretty sure that they’ll like him. “don’t worry, I’m not nervous. In fact, I’ll ring the doorbell” he would be a complete gentleman and very well mannered. if there were vegetables, he would make you eat it no matter how much you hated eating your greens. after dinner, he would be the sweetest by helping your mom with the dishes, cleaning up, putting things away, doing all the extra chores just so your family doesn’t have to do later on. your family would be so happy that you found someone like minhyun. “Y/N WHERE DID YOU FIND SUCH A PERFECT MAN? YOU MUST HAVE DONE A GOOD DEED TO DESERVE THIS MAN, ALL THESE YEARS OF PRAYING HAS WORKED” –your family on thanksgiving 2k17

seongwoo

seongwoo would make it seem like he’s uncomfortable, but really he’s just joking with you to make you uncomfortable as well.  “I don’t know if I’m nervous, am I? Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Who knows?” at the dinner table, he would be the wittiest and make everyone laugh. which was good because your family was always in the mood for a good laugh. you and your siblings were never on good terms, so it got quiet often, but seongwoo would always be the first to reach out and break the silence. after dinner, he would play with your baby cousins and take good care of them, which melted your heart because seongwoo with kids...do we need to say more? and he wouldn’t even ask if whether you thought your family liked him or not because he knows for a fact that they did. 

jaehwan

just like sungwoon, jaehwan would bluff about everything being okay even if he was super nervous.  “oh course I’m okay, who do you think I am” “don’t worry about me, I am god jaehwan I have everything controlled in the palm of my hand” but then again he would loosen up more in front of your parents. you would tell your parents how much time he had bluffed as they laughed. jaehwan went along with it even though you weren’t supposed to tell. no matter how messy you knew he was, he would avoid making even the tiniest mess because he wanted a good first impression. but as soon as he went home he would make the biggest mess ever, that eventually you would have to clean up because he always wins rock-paper-scissors, but it was okay because you love him so much.

daniel

daniel would have mood swings. by that I mean he would be like “nervous? wtf is that? is that some type of sauce?” then another second he would be like “would it be acceptable if I just ran away and never come back?” and then 2.7937 seconds later, he would be like “oh no what if they don’t like me” again “insecure? me? kang daniel? never. they won’t like me they’ll love me” maybe he’s on his lady days who knows tbh. he would get along very well with your dad, uncles, and grandpa. after dinner, they would legit take out 20 bottles of soju and play drinking games with daniel. daniel holds his liquor very well so it was like everyone was knocked out and daniel was the only one ready for the next round. 

jihoon

he only came for the food let’s be honest. “I’m nervous, but not that nervous, but the real question is...what’s for dinner?” “is there going to be cheese on everything...please?” “what about dessert, what’s for dessert?” your family thought that he looked like a very shy baby, which he was. what surprised them is how much the skinny boy can eat. the whole time at the dinner table, jihoon ate so much it was scary. thanks to him, there were no leftovers this year. the person who was the most satisfied with him was your grandma. “our jihoonie is eating well, isn’t he. here, eat more, eat up, munchkin” jihoon said that you didn’t feed him enough food so your grandma gave you a whole lecture. which was okay with you because you were going to starve that boy for the next three days for revenge.

woojin

woojin would just be a very, very awkward kid. he looks very charismatic and manly, but on the inside, he’s a dorky, shy, awkward baby. “w-who said that I w-was nervous huh?” this boy was probably having a breakdown right now. your family actually thought that he was going to be very good with words and whatnot. but then again it didn’t take them long to realize how shy he was. woojin knew more than better that he needed to get out of his comfort zone, so he tried his best to adapt to your family. after a while, he naturally let his dorkiness out, which means you could finally stop worrying. he would play video games with your siblings/cousins after dinner, and if they were younger, he’d let them win. but if they were older, it was a war zone.

jinyoung

even worse than woojin, this boy bae jinyoung. he was shy on top of shy on top of shy. “will they think I’m weird if I don’t talk?” “can I just meet them a different day?” “I pray to god kyulkyung that I actually talk thanks ame– I mean, we are pristin, annyeong” surprise surprise he didn’t say a lot. but your family did try their best to make him feel comfortable. your dad legit had to take out his best dad jokes “what’s a burger’s favorite color?” “dad, not this again” “BURGERndy” don’t know what was so funny about that, but Jinyoung laughed so that made everyone loosen up. after dinner, jinyoung hung out with your mom and grandma, you thought that they were just talking but really...they were flipping through your childhood pictures yikes.

daehwi

no matter how cute this boy is, he always had felt insecure. no matter how sassy he could get, he just doesn’t think that he’s enough. “what if I’m not who they expected me to be?” “what if they don’t like me?” “what if they want us to break up because I’m not good enough for you?” like daehwi there is no what if, they’re going to have to deal with you whether they like it or not. at the dinner table, he tried his best to talk and whatnot, but he tried a little too hard. your family was chill so they just went along with it. your aunties loved him because of how cute and tiny he was. but then again who wouldn’t love this precious thing. as soon as you two went home he asked you all these unnecessary questions. “did I do good?” “I didn’t disappoint them right?” lee daehwi, you did your best and that’s all that matters.

guanlin

guanlin would be very chill about it. he wouldn’t even think about the word “nervous” “babe it’s cold, let’s go inside” immediately your family would think of him as their son-in-law. guanlin would be shy for five minutes and then let his guards down and have fun. guanlin would be the type to play soccer with your little cousins and let them win on purpose. even though no one was supposed to run on a full stomach, he did it anyway because your cousins were so excited. before the two of you left, guanlin would take all the leftover just so you two can eat and be fat at 2 am in the morning tbh.

[lady-nevermore]

Session 2

Before I begin talking about what happened in Therapy, can I just say how relieved, and am low-key/sorta glad,  that I actually managed to get a good night’s sleep last night? I actually fucking managed to go to bed early, get 8 hours of sleep, and woke up around 6 AM without feeling like I was gonna pass out from sleep-deprivation (Yess! Take that insomnia)! >:D 

Yesterday, as well as last Saturday (and even the earlier part of Today), were actually some pretty good days for me; These last couple of weekends Me and mom have been going to church for the last couple of Sundays around 6AM (most would be surprised with me being semi-religious/agnostic, but it was nice actually, calming even....) and closely afterwards we’ve been trying to make a habit of walking to our local library that’s close by (where there also happens to be a local duck pond in conjunction with said library). And Yesterday, on our way back from church, we even managed to help save this poor kitty (that had it’s head stuck in a jar). 

So yeah, woke up around 6 AM in the morn today, and took a walk with my mom to our local library. It was nice (soothing even) just walking around in the crisp cold fresh morning breeze, and looking at the reflection of the pond whilst taking in the local wildlife: ducks obviously, a couple of squirrels, robins, crows, hell we even saw a fish (Salmon I think) jump and flop back into the water like twice, as well as saw a falcon on the rooftop of the library at one point too. It was nice, seeing these animals just go about their business, frolicking and whatnot. It made me smile. :) 

We’re trying to make this a habit of sorts, (this the third time/third weekend now that we’ve done this, so far so good right) in order to help me get used to getting out of the house more often and make a ritual of getting some low-key exercise along the way.....Umm, does walking for half an hour or even an entire hour count as exercise?. lol ^^; 

Anyways, I’ve also managed to accompany my parents to the grocery store during these last past couple of weekends aswell; and yesterday, I even plucked up the courage to go with them to Lowes and helped my folks pick out and buy a new washing-machine (the last one we had, has been on it’s last/final legs for like effing years now, so this was def. a long time coming).

Hell, today, I even managed to get some spring-cleaning done and dusted the crap outta my room and living room (haven’t dusted my damn room in ages, so it’s been a long time coming) and I’m not gonna lie, but it feels so much nicer/cleaner/fresh now that it’s not soo goddamn dusty, it’s nice. ^^;

And tbh all things considered, doing all of this as of late (even if it may seem miniscule to everyone else) has all really made me feel somewhat productive, and I think that it’s helping me a lot. 

But anyways, back to the actual therapy session itself...

May 22, 2017

So, Second day of Therapy today...

And well, shit.... I mean knew it was gonna happen eventually (and here’s me thinking it was gonna take like ages for this to happen cause, if there’s one thing I really hate and can’t stand: it’s me crying in front of people, especially people I know or am emotionally attached to; it makes me feel soo fucking vulnerable, uncomfortable, exposed, and worst of all weak) but yeah, I didn’t actually think I was gonna cry this early on in our sessions (I mean we just barely got started). >_>;

...At first, My therapist just asked me how I was feeling and I told her that I was feeling nervous, nervous that during this session, we were actually gonna start digging into deeper, more emotional stuff, than the simple mere evaluation she did during our first initial session. and that’s when we started to talk and go through basically a timeline of my entire life up to this point so to speak.

- Age 5-6: Emotionally (and sometimes physically abused) by my Aunt whom was living/sharing a household with me, my parents, her husband and son at the time, let’s call her “Aunt C”; I felt like I was living in a broken home, a household full of domestic fighting (screaming matches) between my poor victimised mom and my poor excuse of an aunt who was basically a control freak and snapped / flew off the handle at every little thing. My parents were always working hard trying to make ends meet, they weren’t intentionally neglecting me or anything like that, they are good decent people (we grew up poor), but they just never really had the luxury or time to be spending time with me let alone take care of me (and so left me in my Aunt’s care cause they had no choice and it was convenient). The fighting was so bad that at one point I remember being horrified and in a state of utter shock as my “Aunt C” held my mom up against the wall with her hand around her throat (the memory of My Aunt almost attempting to strangle my mother will forever be burned in my mind). My younger self took refuge at school, My therapist says that due to the fact that I didn’t feel safe (nor was I getting enough consistent: love, attention, etc), that I started to block out everything that was happening at home via focusing on my school life, and thereby using my teachers and friends as substitute parental figures and family respectfully, in order to fill the void of what lacked in my home-life (I’ve done this all the way up till high school, I always consider my teachers as parental figures, adults I could legit trust, and each group of friends as my second/replacement family of sorts)....My therapist ain’t wrong: That’s why I always loved going to school, why my friends were the bright lights in my life from elementary school all the way up till high-school, and why I felt so damn attached to my teachers growing up, even all the way up till I graduated from High-School, to me they were my heroes (and it’s the main reason I wanted to become a teacher myself growing up.......and why I personally took one of my Teacher’s/Mentor’s/Old Friend’s death/passing soo damn hard during the year 2011, well that, and because  I was actually a close friend to them, as well). 

But none of that made me cry what struck a nerve, what really effing struck a nerve was the fact that when I was a Junior during High School, my dad had heart surgery (I was around 16 at the time), and my dad needed my mom to stay close to him (cause he was really scared and felt helpless without her), and I ended up staying at my “Aunt C” and her family’s house for a while.... And see here’s the thing, Aunt C has a son (my cousin) and I remember him telling me that he felt like i bullied him when we were kids, and in my mind we were just rough-housing, messing around as kids do when they’re 5-6.....He was serious when he told me he felt like I bullied him, and I felt absolutely fucking disgusted with myself, like sick to my stomach disgusted with myself, because in my mind I resent being put in the same category as my Aunt C or even being compared to her; because I always and will forever visualize/connect bullying with abuse (that and I personally hate the idea of people hurting other people; this all thank’s to my Aunt C).....funny how things came back full circle huh?......But anyways, when my cousin told me this, I apologized, and sincerely too....it was a serious moment between the two of us (because my voice started to crack with emotion, from tearing up in front of him), he accepted my apology and we never spoke of the incident again. 

When I was explaining all of this to my Therapist, I didn’t even realizing  i started to cry (like the silent, suffer in silence type of crying too); what really made me cry harder and struck a nerve was that she told me (after me telling her that I wished I would have known better as kid) was that it wasn’t my fault, that I shouldn’t be blaming 5-6 year old me for something that I wasn’t even mature enough to truly comprehend in regards to my actions and their respective consequences/repercussions.....I thought that I already made my peace with all of this in the past.....but to be honest, I think that really I needed to hear that from my Therapist. 

We talked a lot about other moments in my life as well, like when I was 7 years old, my parents had left me with my godparents for like a week, and this was during Summer Vacation mind you (cause they didn't want me near my Aunt C anymore, and they were scrambling, looking for another place to live); I felt abandoned, like my parents abandoned me; my silly 7 year old self couldn’t emotionally comprehend what was happening, and didn't realize that it was only a mere short week( but in my mind at the time, it felt like months)....That was the first time I ever had a panic attack, the night my parents left me with my godparents (my godparents are and were good people mind you, I just wasn’t close or didn;t really know them all too well at the time). 

We also talked about My High school Graduation, and how I noted that i felt depressed, sad, alone, and how I felt somewhat distant/abandoned by my friends (which I obviously blamed myself for); and how afterwards Grad-Night (they still do these nowadays right?) first kicked off my insomnia. -___-;

And the fact that one of the reasons why I feel so anxious is the fact that I’m afraid of encountering or spontaneously meeting up with some of my old teachers or high school friends, She asked me why I felt like this; and I said it was mostly because, I was mostly known as the straight A student, a teacher’s pets; and that these people had high hopes for me, hell I had high hopes for me; and that I’m afraid of feeling their disappointment, anger, rejection, of the the fact that I wasted my life after high-school, that and well.......that I’m also ashamed that I cut them all out of my life after I fell into a deep deep depression and had a mental/nervous breakdown (after my Mentor/Teacher/Friend passed away, and me shortly after failing all of my college classes, and dropping out of community college). Because if there is one thing I value above all else: it’s Loyalty and Friendship (I also told her that i’ve always had trouble keeping friendships in the past due to my trust issues, that stem mostly from my abusement from my Aunt C...cause if you can’t even trust family, how can i trust anyone else; but trust me, I fight against that anxiety-filled reflex as hard as i can, in order to still continue to strive and open-up/connect with people, especially those i consider and am honored to call: friend). 

But the second thing that made me cry was the fact that My Therapist told me that she thinks that I’m a really strong person for willing to try to come to therapy in order to get better, and that I still had my whole life ahead of me (I’m 25 mind you, am a college dropout, doesn’t know how to drive, still live with my folks who deserve a better daughter than me, never even had a job before and am housebound, and all of this makes me feel like a goddamn failure), and that it wasn’t too late......hearing someone else besides my parents tell me this, solidified the possibility of there being some actual truth to what she was saying, that there was actually hope, and that was what made me cry, because of nigh possibility that there was still fucking hope for me.....well, that and that it might not be too late for me to reconnect with some of my old high-school friends from the past, even if it’s been 8 years too late (this one still scares the crap out of me mostly for fear of confronting them, their rejection and disappointment, facing their anger, etc). 

....After a while, she told me that I placed waaay too many high expectations of myself (am too damn hard on myself) and she told me, that, that is my anxiety talking not, me.

And that she was glad to hear that I started putting in the effort of me trying to voluntarily going with my parents to the grocery store during the weekends (these past three weekends), as well as that fact that me and my mom have been trying to go to church, and take walks near our local library (you know the one with the duck pond). 

Feeling sorta drained right now, gonna try to head to bed at 10:30 or 11 PM, in order to wake up early again (really need and want to kick my insomnia’s ass)....I’m sure there are loads of stuff I forgot to mention, or that I accidently skipped...If remember, I’ll probably do another one of these blog posts, and call it: “Therapy Session 2 Part 2″ or something like that. heh xP

- Lady Nevermore