#her whole life has been about adapting quickly to whatever she's being thrown into

[loliwrites]

It’s been awhile but I am back!

Pre-relationship A&A🥺. Maybe it is just a few weeks after they have met and they’re shooting the film Addi wrote. Something about it is off so she makes a change to the script forcing Alex to adapt quickly. After they shoot the seen Alex thinks that Addi hates it so he tries to make it up to her.

XoXo 🫁

PS. I have missed you🥰

Hannibal🫁 ! I've missed you too, friend! I don't know if you've seen, but we've got another Non on the loose. One I've affectionately deemed the Copycat Killer🫀 They're a cheeky little one.

Anywho, you know I'm always on my bullshit for pre-relationship A&A. I love good, ol' sexual tension (when it's consensual and goes both ways). And I like that you've come up with this suggestion because this sort of thing happens quite frequently. Maybe not so much with movies, but definitely with TV. You've got the script pages you're going to be shooting that day, and then all of a sudden, for whatever reason, the writer comes at you with brand new pages... sometimes an entirely new scene, and you're like, where the FUHCK am I supposed to get all of these props before we shoot this in 2 hours.

One moment you're on the green revisions and suddenly someone's handing you some fucking Goldenrod or Salmon pages and you're like why would you do this to me? Do you hate me? Do you live to make my life harder? The answer's yes.

We digress. The point is: the director gives Addi an ultimatum. Either she goes and rewrites the scene, or they'll have someone else rewrite it. And the thought of someone else butchering her movie makes her want to vomit, so she relents and hides off in some corner of the soundstage with her laptop and starts rewriting.

She's almost finished with it when she hears Alex come on stage. It's very evident when he arrives from his trailer. His lispy lilt of a cadence seems to float through the soundstage like music. He's also got a barrage of women that follow him. Addi thinks that's funny. That although they've been hired as hair, makeup, or wardrobe people, it's funny to see him walking around with a gaggle of women running after him, picking at his hair or his clothes for minuscule fixes.

She runs off to print the pages and get them to the people that need to have them. Any writer will tell you that this isn't the way they'd like to have their work seen. Written with such carelessness in a matter of minutes without the courtesy of planning or editing. And yet, Addi's handing over these new pages so a group of people can commit it to film. And if this truly is only a couple weeks since they've met -- surely before they trek over to Germany to finish principal photography, and maybe even before the sex scene incident -- then Addi's still in the phase of being polite and careful around Alex, despite feeling the flirtiness between them.

Alex takes the pages from her and starts to look them over, and it's evident to Addi that he looks a little thrown by the whole thing.

"It's brand new?"

He glances at her and she has to avert her eyes elsewhere because, shit if this isn't embarrassing. Handing Alexander Skarsgård some half-baked pages.

"They requested a last minute rewrite." When he doesn't respond right away, she looks back up at him. But he's just reading over her new words, and for the life of her, she can't tell what the expression on his face is. It doesn't look good.

To be honest, she doesn't blame him. She had to fill in a part of a dramatic scene that he'd probably been practicing for weeks, maybe months, to make sure he was hitting the correct emotional beats at the right moments. And now she flung new words at him. As if he's just going to be able to hit those notes off the bat when the cameras start to roll. She all but hightails it out of there, beyond mortified at the thought that he may think she's a talentless hack. If she had stuck around, she would've been able to hear what Alex truly thought sooner.

The scene gets underway and it's taking everything in her to remain in her little space in video village without bursting out in tears. Alex is... he's having a hard time with this scene. He's fumbling his new lines, he looks beyond distracted. Something's not clicking and the only thing that's changed are the words so her immediate downward spiral is that she's just ruined the movie she's worked so hard on. And more than that, it's evident that everyone on the crew has taken note of Alex's newfound difficulty with the scene. The director and producers alike are now all giving him notes and he's quickly becoming disenchanted with all the noise.

They struggle through. Somehow, someway, they feel they've at least gotten enough to splice together a halfway decent scene and the AD calls "moving on!"

Addi just nearly makes it out of her seat before she hears, "come with me," behind her. And the realization that it's Alex makes her heart drop. She looks back to find him already addressing the gaggle of women still following him, asking them to give him ten minutes.

Before he even receives the acknowledgment of his request, he turns for Addi, sets his hand on her upper back, and ushers her off the stage and into his trailer.

She couldn't feel more awkward if she tried. Alex flinging himself back onto the couch, Addi standing in front of him like she's waiting to be chastised. It hasn't dawned on her that he may have called her in here because she's looked positively gut-wrenched since she was tasked with the rewrite.

"What was that all about?" He asks, very innocently.

She shrugs, "they wanted a rewrite. Said I could do it or they'd find someone to do it. I know it was shit,"

He takes a breath, then pats the spot beside him on the couch. He's not satisfied until she actually does sit down next to him. "It wasn't shit, I just... I liked it the first way. I liked hearing your voice in the other version," he smiles at her when she looks up at him. "Not the studio's voice,"

"Well until you start cutting my paychecks, the studio gets what it wants."

Alex nods slowly. He knows how these things work.

“Sorry you had to change things around so quickly. I know you like to have time to prepare, and I handed you pages of flaming crap. I just—” she looks down at her hands in her lap. For a moment it’s nice not to have to be looking at his expression — one she knows would break her heart. “I just had to do what they wanted.”

Alex doesn’t cut in. Judging by the size of the breath she takes, he knows she’s not finished.

“And I hate that. I hate that this industry isn’t merit-based. I hate that it’s only about who you know. I hate that I’m at the mercy of executives who can’t even name the Axis Powers. Yet they’re telling me how to change a script all about the Axis Powers. And I hate how they can make me feel this stupid and worthless and not even give a shit that they’ve made me compromise a good story. My art. And mostly I hate that I want nothing more than to please them so I can stay in this industry for as long as humanly possible.”

Then slowly and quietly, Alex says with a smile, “you’ve made it.”

She flicks her gaze in his direction.

“You’ve made it as an artist when at the beck and call of authority, you push back for creative individualism. You’ve made it to the club. Glad to have you,”

Addi leans into him almost subtly; just barely resting her shoulder against his. “They don’t make you do anything to compromise the art,”

“That took twenty years.”

“And you’re a man. So that leaves me fucked and free at seventy,”

Without asking, Alex reaches around her shoulders and takes her into a hug. Truthfully, she’s happy he didn’t ask. Had he, she might’ve brushed it off under the guise of not wanting things to feel too emotional. But just as the embrace began, a knock on his trailer door quickly pulls them out of it.

He pauses and gives her his quick, undivided attention. “Good, kid?”

She nods, reassures, and all too quickly rises from the couch and heads toward the door. Alex moves too, and resituates himself in his makeup chair just in time for the entrance of his glam team. And like a fleeting breeze, Addi’s out of his trailer and on her way back to the stage.

[murasaki-murasame]

Thoughts on Higurashi Sotsu Ep15 [FINALE]

For better or worse I think Ryukishi achieved exactly what he set out to do with this series, and I guess everyone’s just gonna be forced to reckon with how they feel about his own perspective on this franchise versus how they feel about it, lol.

Anyway, thoughts under the cut, plus Umineko spoilers.

I’m not entirely sure where to even start with this, but I guess the TL;DR is that I honestly think Gou/Sotsu was ultimately just fine despite it’s issues, and part me of can’t help but be like ‘I told you so, lol’ about how this really did end with this episode, and also committed pretty hard to the Umineko prequel elements.

It’s not like all of my theories were correct in the end, but I at least think I was pretty spot on in my prediction last week that this would end with the miracle of them side-stepping the sword issue entirely and choosing the third option of forgiveness and reconciliation. And also them ending it with an epilogue where we go back to the Matsuribayashi timeline and get a happy ending for Rika and Satoko that provides a ‘non-magical interpretation’ for the story while also giving us an idea of how Bern and Lambda formally split off into their own entities and start the relationship we see in Umineko.

I didn’t quite expect them to go down the route of having them agree to just spend a few years apart and accept that they don’t need to literally always be together, but I think that was a really good way to wrap things up between them. It’s pretty much the healthiest compromise to their conflict that doesn’t come across like it completely invalidates one of their dreams. I get why it feels too anti-climactic and convenient for people, but when you pull at that thread you get into wider topics of what the entire story is about, since this was always going to end with Satoko being redeemed and forgiven. People might not have taken him seriously, but Ryukishi was 100% genuine about his regrets about Matsuribayashi’s ending, and how part of why he came up with this new story was to create a better ending, while also doing more with Satoko as a character.

Basically I think a lot of the fandom negativity towards this boils down to people fundamentally disagreeing with the idea that Matsuribayashi was even ‘flawed’ in this sort of way to begin with, or that Satoko was badly written. It’s valid to disagree on this stuff, but at the very least we all have to grapple with how Ryukishi has his own specific relationship with this series.

People like to focus on how he’s a troll who likes to mess with people, but I feel like this is a bit of a wake-up call for people about how he’s actually extremely sincere, almost to a fault, and he likes to use his stories as a vehicle for expressing his personal philosophies and ideals. 

This whole story is also a good example of how he just sees this as ultimately being a fictional story about fictional characters, and not literally a matter of real people who need to be sentenced for their crimes or whatever. As early as the original VN he was almost being outright preachy about the message that nobody is irredeemable, and that philosophy carries through to this. But to be more specific, nobody *in this story* is irredeemable. He’s pretty open about the fact that in practice you can’t apply this sort of ideal to real life, but fictional stories are their own separate matter.

I think this whole issue of how he views this as a story first and foremost is also the central reason why this ended in a way that comes across as Satoko being let off too easy for her crimes. One way or another, Ryukishi’s made it clear that he sees this as being no different to how other characters had arcs where they committed crimes but still got forgiven, or how Takano is basically a straight up war criminal who also got forgiven for her crimes.

Anyway, this episode at least committed to the Umineko stuff, so that was satisfying. Sure there’s people that still want to deny it, but at this point I think a lot of people are just being stubborn, so it’s not like anything would have really convinced them, lol. I’m also genuinely not sure what people even would have expected them to do beyond what we saw her, aside from having the two of them literally put on their gothic lolita outfits and turn to the camera and go ‘we are literally Bernkastel and Lambdadelta from the video game series Umineko When They Cry’. I almost feel like there’s some kind of misunderstanding from people who aren’t familiar with Umineko when it comes to the idea of what it even means for this to be ‘an Umineko prequel’, or ‘a Bern/Lambda origin story’. I mean, this is quite literally exactly what I expected and hoped for in that regard. It’s not like I was expecting them to incorporate anything related to, like, Beatrice or the Ushiromiya family.

I think this is also one of those things where you just have to decide for yourself whether or not you want to earnestly engage with the story that’s being told, or if you want to assume that there’s some level of malice or trickery going on.

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting them to literally have Rika and Satoko recite part of Bern and Lambda’s final conversation with each other word for word, lmao. Combined with the scene at the end where ‘Witch Satoko’ talks to herself about how she’s going to give her body back to Satoko while she goes chasing after Rika, it was literally just the exact origin story of their relationship as it’s depicted in Umineko.

I still feel like this would all only really be ‘worth it’ if we actually get something like a full on anime remake for Umineko, but at this point I can’t help but feel satisfied with this part of it all.

It’s not like I think Gou/Sotsu as a whole is perfect or anything, though. I don’t hate it as much as basically everyone else does, but I think Ryukishi’s the sort of VN writer who really struggles with the shift to writing for an anime. I think a big part of the frustration people have is just from how this is formatted as a weekly anime series spread across basically an entire year, instead of being something like a stand-alone VN chapter that you can read at whatever pace you want, even if it ultimately takes the same amount of time to read as it would to watch all of Gou/Sotsu.

There’s also the whole issue of this being a sort-of-remake, which snowballed into a whole list of structural problems. They absolutely tried too hard to have their cake and eat it too, and they should have just committed to it being made for old fans only, instead of trying to sincerely incorporate elements from the VN that old fans don’t care about anymore because they’ve gone over it already.

And as I’ve said several times before, it was a major issue for them to decide to put Nekodamashi in the middle of Gou and then spend like 20 episodes on flashback answer arcs until finally getting back to that cliffhanger. I’ve been waiting until this all ended to decide exactly how I feel about that, and now that it’s all over I still think it was a really bad idea. I don’t think it was an issue for them to reveal that Satoko’s the culprit that early, but having the gun cliffhanger specifically happen that early just gave people misguided expectations and tainted the answer arcs because people were just impatient to get back to the cliffhanger. And then the cliffhanger itself ended up being somewhat anti-climactic, which is what I’d been fearing would happen. It would have worked fine if they shuffled it around so that the cliffhanger happened right before Kagurashi and was followed up in the very next episode, or if this was a VN where you could binge your way through the flashback stuff, but spending like half of an entire real-life year to get back to that point only to have the resolution be ‘Satoko just shoots Rika and the death loops keep going’ just didn’t really work properly.

I’m a lot more generous towards the Akashi arcs than most people are, since I think they really over-estimate how much re-used content there is there, but they still suffer from the central issue of the show trying to be accessible for new fans. It could have been heavily condensed otherwise, without losing anything in terms of Satoko’s whole character arc.

On the other hand I think the first half of Kagurashi was awful specifically because it highlighted how bad of an idea it was to put Nekodamashi so early in the story. They still ended up having to go back to that arc and repeat it anyway, in the most 1:1 recap-y way in the whole show, but that wouldn’t have even been an issue in the first place if that was instead the first time that arc happened in the show.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I would rearrange the story to make it flow better while still following Ryukishi’s intentions, and I think they could have condensed it into a 2-cour season with this sort of structure if they did something like this:

-First arc where Rika gets thrown back into the loop and quickly figures out that somebody intentionally caused this to happen, and it’s not Takano because at least in this idea of mine she’d try and investigate her only to find out that this version of Takano regrets everything and is planning to flee the village with Tomitake.

Basically I think this could tie into the idea of Satoko initially wanting to just concoct an idea world for Rika so that she won’t want to leave this time, but sort of like what I think happens in Saikoroshi, Rika would still reject it, and this time around there’d be the additional layer of her knowing that somebody did this to her for an unknown reason. Maybe they could even initially market it as a new adaptation or a remake of Saikoroshi, and then reveal that it’s a sequel, to keep that whole element to the series. Either way I think this would end with everything going to shit when Rika rejects that fragment and wants to go back to St. Lucia’s, and Satoko basically snaps and kills her, and that way the audience can find out about her being the culprit without Rika finding out about it yet.

Maybe there could even be some dramatic irony where Rika’s attempts to meddle with certain ‘trigger events’, and her displaying her looper side, inadvertently triggers people around her to get paranoid, and the whole fragment would start to spiral into tragedy from there. I think they could at least use the whole conflict in Tatariakashi about Teppei actually being good this time as a starting point for that sorta thing.

-Second arc, rounding out the first cour, which is basically just Satokowashi. I don’t think there’s much that you’d need to change here, but like I said above I like the idea of her initially trying to just invent a perfect world for Rika and her to live in, instead of jumping straight to murder. But maybe instead of her literally just watching Rika’s loops, she could instead just be stuck using her looping powers to try and figure out how to create that ‘perfect world’ in the first place, by personally investigating all of the different tragedies and how to prevent them.

-Staring the second cour, a third arc where we basically just get to see those loops Satoko goes through, and her whole process of solving the tragedies and ‘purifying’ characters like Teppei and Takano, until we eventually see her perspective on the first arc, and how she reacts to Rika ultimately rejecting the world she tried to make for her.

-A fourth and final arc which is basically just Nekodamashi + Kagurashi, where she just totally snaps and tries to just torture Rika into never wanting to leave the village again, and eventually Satoko gets exposed and they have their direct confrontation with each other.

With that sorta story structure, you’d keep all the relevant bits of Gou/Sotsu as it is now, while being more focused on Rika and Satoko instead of doing kinda half-assed reruns of the Rena and Shion arcs. It’d also push the big cliffhanger between them until near the end of the show, while still revealing to the audience relatively early on that Satoko’s the culprit.

I’d also like them to do more with Satoshi and Shion, so maybe like with how Teppei gets redeemed and Satoko almost gets to have a happy life with him in Tatariakashi, the central question arc of this hypothetical story could also involve Satoko making sure that Satoshi wakes up from his coma, and Shion also gets to have a good relationship with all of them. You could probably do something interesting with the idea of Satoshi and Shion being in the camp of not trusting Teppei and his whole redemption arc.

Honestly I could spend a long time talking about how I would have done things differently, lol. For one thing, I think the Akashi arcs would have been much better if they just changed it so that Satoko used psychological tactics to make people paranoid, and we completely cut out the whole syringe plot device. I get how it fits with Satoko’s whole certainty gimmick, but it made those arcs way too predictable. Even if we knew the outcome, it’d at least be entertaining to see exactly how Satoko might go out of her way to set up the different tragedies. We kinda got glimpses of that sorta plot point in Wataakashi when things seemed to go outside of her control, but they didn’t really do much with it.

Anyway, this is a whole lot of words to say that I think that in spite of the serious structural issues going on, I think Gou/Sotsu as a whole is fine, and was at least working with a lot of perfectly good ideas that could have been executed much better.

Also, on a side note, that one scene during their fist-fight at the start where the art-style changes a bit was kinda weird, but I really liked how it looked, and part of me almost wishes the whole show looked like that, lol. I like Akio Watanabe’s character designs, but I feel like that sort of stylized, almost TWEWY-ish art style would have been really fitting for this series, especially in the horror/action parts.

Oh, and the new rendition of You was so good it almost felt emotionally manipulative, lol.

[ofbloodandbullets]

So it’s recently come to my attention that not everyone in the world has actually watched The Old Guard (WHO KNEW?!) so I’m going to try and do some info dumps about the world, the general canon and Andy’s history, personality, powers etc.  This will ... probably get kinda lengthy. 

Also: MAJOR MAJOR SPOILERS FOR COMICS & MOVIE.

The first thing you need to know is that for the main part, the history and the world that TOG takes place in is the exact same one as the real history of the world.  It’s set in modern day, though the plot points stretch back to 7k+ years ago.  It’s also important to note that there is a lot of historical inaccuracies and some things in canon that conflict themselves so it’s best to just take it all with a grain of salt and just go with what works best for your particular preferences etc. 

The main difference between reality and TOG is that in TOG there are a very minute like .00000000002% of the population that are immortals.  Now, it’s important to note that these people can die but they resurrect pretty close to immediately after they die no matter the amount of damage done.  Now it can take some time to fully heal or reform, depending on how extensive the trauma (being blown to bits or burned etc. will take longer to fix but there’s no amount of damage that we know of that can actually keep them dead).  

There are times when, for reasons unknown to the characters in character (or to us as readers  of the comics / viewers of the movie etc) that the immortality just stops.  There’ll just be a time that they suffer injuries that just don’t heal, and they die.  There doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to this, be it age, number of times they’ve died, whatever.  Now, I have my own entirely headcanon and personal preference based theory which you can find HERE but it’s totally just a random idea that I had that I liked to explain the loss of Andy’s immortality in the movie (that doesn’t happen in the comics) and lets me say that she regains her immortality post canon so that I can nudge things back in the direction of the comics for post movie plots and so on.

Andy is, as far as we know, and as far as she knows, the oldest (human) immortal, coming in at around 7,000 years old.  She was born into a tribe, the Scythia (hence what she’s generally called: Andromache the Scythian).  A nomadic warrior tribe that I headcanon to be a matriarchy, Andy was betrayed by the ‘queen mother’ when she was sixteen and killed in battle because the leader feared that Andy posed a danger to her continuing rule.  This person was practically a mother to Andy and it was a horrific betrayal.  What was almost as shocking to Andy was the fact that she got back up again after being literally stabbed in the back and killed.

In the vein of trying to thwart prophecies making them happen, Andy killed the matriarch and took her placce ruling the tribe, eventually becoming a God King to her people and ruling over them for hundreds of years until her loneliness absolutely overwhelmed her and one day she just vanished.

At some point after this, she began to dream of a woman, feeling a pull towards this stranger that she couldn’t begin to explain.  After dozens, maybe hundreds of years, she managed to track down the woman in question (Noriko in the comics, Quynh in the movie) and realized that they’d been dreaming of each other.  (In the comics she meets Lykon before Quynh/Noriko, whom she had also been dreaming of).  

Now, the connection between these immortals isn’t explained in canon, and for a long time, Andy, Lykon, Noriko (and eventually Joe, Nicky, Book) thought they were the only ones but there is a scene in the second set of comics that implies that there are other ‘packs’ of immortals.  I headcanon that it’s a ‘like calls to like’ / kind of Sense8 simpatico type thing - like minded souls drawn to each other, which is why Andy and the others didn’t know about the other immortals, but again, that’s just entirely my thoughts on the matter. 

Lykon is the first to succumb to the loss of immortality, a short couple hundreds years after he and Andy find each other.   He dies on a battlefield, one that he and Quynh/Noriko and Andy fought on like a hundred/thousand before, champions for the abused etc.  Skip forward a couple hundred years again and enter Joe & Nicky, a Knight and a Muslim warrior who kill each other on the battlefield only to both wake up and spend (an unspecified amount of time) hunting and killing each other before eventually Andy & Quynh/Noriko find them.  In time, Joe & Nicky realize that they love each other.   (Important to note that Quynh/Noriko and Andy were also lovers).  In the movie, when the first major surge of witch hunts began, Quynh/Noriko and Andy go to help the women that stood accused, only to be captured and accused of witchcraft themselves.  After being hung, drowned, burned at the stake and coming back to life every time, the witch hunters settled on locking Quynh into an iron coffin and dropping her into the ocean.  (In the comics, Noriko is lost at sea during a massive storm that had thrown their ship entirely off course with Andy having no clue where they actually were at the time.) 

Joe & Nicky arrive in time to rescue Andy, but Noriko is already gone and despite spending decades tracking down every person even remotely involved in the so called ‘investigation’ into the women’s inquisition and punishment, Andy wasn’t able to find anything about where Quynh could be. 

Cue angst & depression & guilt for ages after.

The trio still steps in over the following decades, trying to help prevent the worst of atrocities, but Andy quickly begins to spiral into an, at best apathetic, at worst, entirely distant and withdrawn mindset and steadily begins to lose hope that they’re actually making any difference at all.

Skip ahead a century or two and enter Book; a Russian conscript who had been forced into the fight after being convicted of forgery.  Hung for desertion, Book spend days dying over and over again as he hung there, unable to attempt an escape until the troops finally packed up and moved on.   He and Andy, Nicky and Joe meet up and Book kinda reluctantly joins their little group.  It’s revealed that Book dreams, still, of Noriko/Quynh and while he can’t tell where hse is, dreams of her still dying, drowning on the floor of the ocean over and over and over like she had been for the last hundred or two years.  

Book returns at some point to his mortal family which ended in disaster when his last remaining son was dying of cancer, cursing and screaming at Book for ‘choosing not to save him’ by making him immortal too, even though it’s something Book had no ability to transfer or make happen.  Between his nightmares, losing his son and a number of other factors, Book decides he wants to end it all but no matter what he tries, doesn’t die and stay dead.

Eventually he’s approached by a pharmaceutical company that has figured out what he is and wants to run tests on him to see if they can unlock his healing / immortality for other people.  Merrick’s company works in league with an ex CIA agent whose wife died of a horrific terminal disease who hopes that they can find a way to keep anyone else from dying if they don’t have to.    Initially it was just supposed to be him, but he’d set up a display to stream for proof of what he was / they were and the corp decided they wanted all of the immortals.   Book ends up betraying the team, and he and the others end up locked up and tested on / killed / experimented on etc.  

There’s another character introduced in the meantime, the first new immortals in centuries, an American soldier named Niles.  There’s a lot more that goes on here, but the main point is that in the movie, Andy stops healing from her wounds shortly after she tracks down Nile and is put into incredible amounts of danger when Merrick (the leader of the pharmaceutical company) captures Andy, Joe, Book, Nicky.  Book is devastated, Nicky and Joe are furious, Andy’s just tired.

Eventually, Andy and the others break free with Niles’ help, destroy the lab they were originally held in etc and set out to try and hunt down any other proof, lab results, anything that Merrick got his hands on during the tests.

The group meets and settles on a hundred year exile for Booker (which I think is one of the stupidest things - like, the man’s clearly desperate and depressed and lonely and mentally unstable so by all means let’s isolate him for a fully century) and at the end of the movie we see him stumbling home to his apartment six months later to find Quynh standing in his apartment, pouring and drinking a glass of water which is a whole power move considering how many millions of times she died by drowning.

In the comics, Quynh/Noriko was driven entirely mad and to the point of wanting vengeance against Andy for abandoning her and spends a while gaslighting Andy and torturing her physically and emotionally and what not until she manages to isolate Andy from the other immortals and scoops in to ‘rescue’ Andy.  IDK what they’re going to adapt this to in the second movie, 

Again, via the link posted above, my Andy slowly begins to regain her immortality (again, IDK what they’re going to do with the next movie).  

Uhhhh yeah.  So I .. think that’s the majority of what you need to know for canon info about Andy.  THIS is also an important PSA regarding my Andy’s history & her longest lasting relationship that has nothing to do with canon at all but that is part of Andy’s bg in every verse, even if it never comes into play.

[bonjour-rainycity]

Double Heart | Chapter Twenty ~ Haldir

|previous part|

Pairing: Haldir x OFC

Rating: PG-13

Word count: 1650

Warnings: None

A/n Hi! Sorry, I know I’m a day late -- I have family in town so I’m soaking up all the time with them that I can. This one is short (and a lil fluffy/angsty), and this chapter and the next are kind of a rest before we hit the next act of this story! Sooo gear up! I’m excited!!! 

I shut the door behind Orophin and Lavandil.

Cosima flops onto her bed, staring at the ceiling. “That was awful.”

I make a noise of general agreement. I hadn’t expected my brothers to take the news happily, but I didn’t think Rumil would completely shut me out. I have no doubts that he will eventually come around, but his reaction is still distressing.

Cosima raises up on her forearms, looking at me in concern. “Are you okay?”

I nod, making my way towards her bed. “It may take some time, but I know my brothers. All will be well.”

She scoots from the middle to the far side of her bed and pats the space next to her. I accept the invitation, lying on my back at her side. Vaguely, I notice that her bed is much larger and comfier than mine. I turn to tease her about it, try and cheer us both up, but she’s fiddling with her fingers. I guess neither of us is feeling particularly lighthearted at the moment.

“What is it?”

She sighs, staring up at the ceiling rather than at me. I nudge her arm gently, trying to prompt an answer.

She bites her lip. “You’ve said that you can make your own choices, and I get that, but I’ve got to ask—are you sure? You don’t have to stay with me just because you said you wanted to. I know what you’re sacrificing, and you don’t have to—”

I cut her off, kissing her forcefully. She sucks in a breath and I use that to my advantage, drawing her deeper into the kiss. She recovers from her shock quickly though, and slides a hand up my chest in that way I adore and is slowly becoming familiar. I pull away but keep a firm hold on the side of her face. “Please push these thoughts from your mind. Whatever the future holds, I am in it with you. And a future without you? I don’t want it. It would be different, had I never met you, but the Valar blessed me. They brought an impossible woman into my life. And I have no intention of letting her go.”

The sadness in her eyes breaks, replaced with a look of tenderness that I work hard to memorize. I let the hand on the side of her face slide to rest on her hip.

She places a kiss on my jaw, taking her time to respond, aware that she has my complete attention. “If I had to wake up in a different world with no memories, I am immensely glad you were there. Being with you is worth all that I’ve left behind. Even if I did remember it, I would choose you.”

I exhale slowly, basking in her words. I’ve never been vulnerable with someone before — bearing my heart and hoping they don’t crush it — and every time I open my mouth to confess something to Cosima, there’s the fear that she will shut me down, that she won’t return my feelings. But her words just now, as well as her actions from the past few days, help allay my fears.

“It’s getting late,” she breathes, face mere inches from mine. “You could stay the night?”

My hand on her hip tenses. No, I remind myself. I should go back to my room. But the words that come out of my mouth are not what I told myself to say. “I would not be intruding?”

“No,” Cosima smiles, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I would very much like it if you stayed.”

We are both adults. If she wants me to stay and I want me to stay, then there’s no reason to leave. “Then stay, I shall,” I murmur, dropping my lips to press against hers.

She kisses me languidly for a while before her lips shift into a grin. I pull back with a raised eyebrow.

“You’re the one who has to get up and blow out the candles,” she declares, her tone full of mirth. “That’s really the only reason I asked you to stay.”

I snort, but push myself off the bed, headed for the first candle I see. “I knew it couldn’t be because you love me. That’s too easy.”

“And pull the curtains,” she adds, lifting the duvet so she can crawl underneath it. I watch her slide her eyes shut, smile still spread over her face as she tries not to laugh.

Cosima and I have slept in each other’s company before, and we will do so again for the three weeks of our journey to Lothlórien. But I can’t shake the feeling that this is completely different. It will be the two of us alone, in a bedroom, when we have acknowledged our feelings for each other.

But despite the nerves and the gravity of the situation, it feels completely natural to spend the night with Cosima. I long for her presence during the day, and the night is no different.

And with precious little time together, shouldn’t I seize on every moment?

I blow out the candle nearest to me. It darkens the shadows in the room. I extinguish the remaining candles, close the curtains, and then return to the bed. Cosima has thrown the covers back on what I suppose is my side, making it easy for me to climb in next to her. After the slightest moment of hesitation, I do so. I reach for her, wrap my arms around her and cross them over her stomach, then pull her against my chest. It reminds me of a variation on what I did our very first day of training, an action that caused me no small amount of distress. But now it seems there is no limit to the ways I can hold her, and I plan to explore them all.

Cosima chuckles, evidently pleased with this development. “You remembered the human way.”

“I am capable of adapting,” I respond, dropping my face into her neck.

Her laugh turns into a sigh when I begin a trail of kisses there. “I have a question.”

I hum, continuing my pattern. “Yes, my love?”

She pauses to beam at the phrase. When she speaks, the smile is still in her voice. “Rumil asked if we had bonded yet, and then when you said no, he said there’s still ‘time’. What did he mean by that?”

My lips freeze against her neck. I sigh, shifting to lie on my side and pressing on her shoulder so she’ll turn to face me. I figured we would need to have this conversation at some point, but I hadn’t counted on now. And it’s not the potential for awkwardness that makes me wish I could keep my mouth shut — no, we could get past that — it’s the fear that, once she knows there’s still technically a step we have to take in order for my soul to perish once hers leaves me, that she will end this.

But it is not right to withhold information from her so, with another deep breath, I explain. “He was talking about the bonding of the fæs — in the literal sense. But I love you, I am committed to you, and nothing can change that, so Rumil’s whole notion of ‘time’ doesn’t really apply here.”

Her eyes narrow as she zeroes in on exactly what I’m careening around. “Say there’s some wiggle room.”

“There’s not.”

“But if there were,” she presses, obviously not interested in letting this go.

I sigh. “Traditionally, elves have used sex as a way to facilitate the spiritual bonding of the fæs. That’s what constitutes an elven wedding — that’s what represents and solidifies the commitment. Since we have not had sex, Rumil thinks our fæs are not bonded, so there is time to break the commitment between us without it affecting me.”

She sits up, opening her mouth to comment.

I hurry to sit up as well and cut off her words before she can take this idea and run with it. “But our situation is different. The whole concept of the fæs bonding is not a blanket statement that covers every relationship — there is a lot of choice involved, we are not without agency. And I have chosen.”

She smiles somewhat sadly, letting her fingers drum over my knee. “I wish I was an easier choice.”

I catch her hand in mine. “I quite like where my choices have led me.”

She leans against me, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips. “I love you.” She shifts, lying down and tugging on my arm to pull me with her. “Let’s go to bed. It’s been a long day.”

I stretch out behind her, then twist the strands of her hair through my fingers. She’s silent, and I worry that, despite my efforts to reassure her, she’s still sad. I know she can’t help it, but I wish that we could leave all this struggle and moroseness behind. In my view, the future is set, my path is clear. Struggling over what that means will not halt the end, nor change it, so we shouldn’t waste time worrying over it. We should prepare how we can and then enjoy our lives together.

Cosima tucks her head into my neck and tangles one of her legs through mine. The action — so unexpected yet so natural — gives me hope that, soon, she and I can fall into a life together. Maybe Lothlórien is the key. Maybe once she can clearly see what our future looks like — a home, friendships, family, meals together at the end of a long day, exploring Lothlórien’s extensive forests and blue-green lakes, festivals, sunrises, all the wonderful things about my home, our home, she can allow herself to be happy.

And I will do everything I can to help her get there.

A/n Thanks for reading! Likes, comments, and reblogs are always so appreciated! Also, I think I made EVERYONE sad with that last chapter, I’m so sorry. But I LOVE that we all collectively love Rumil and want him to be happy forever, right? Soooo, c’mon, hit me with some happy Rumil headcannons <3

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*Strikethrough means Tumblr won’t let me tag you :(*

[the-clari-net]

Princess in a Castle (Tie Me Down So You Can Wear Your Crown)

Also on AO3

Princess Dorathea doesn’t remember much from her time alive. She knows some things. She knows that she and her brother were inseparable growing up. She knows that she used to spend a lot of time alone reading while alive as the princess. She knows that because she was the youngest her mother favored her less than her brother (no matter how discrete she tried to be).

She knew that no matter what her family thought of her, she was tasked with holding and keeping part of her family’s legacy alive. To protect one half of their family heirloom with her life if necessary.

Dorathea was told that she was not allowed to take off her amulet, not even to bathe. She remembers finding it odd that the chain never rusted, especially since the chain itself was incredibly light and didn’t weigh much, unlike gold.

The memories and knowledge Princess Dorathea kept from her time spent alive were few. Once she became a ghost, she tried to protect her memories and guard them from ever escaping her mind. She has seen the ghosts who have forgotten and sees the hollowness and desperation in their eyes to find a Purpose, a sense of who they were to understand who they are meant to be.

She swore to do whatever it took to protect herself from becoming “single-minded” as she liked to phrase it. The back of her mind countered her phrasing, hissing a single word that was embedded in her core which she knew was the true title of what she feared to have. An Obsession.

Dorathea has seen this phenomenon spread all across Aragon’s Kingdom. Memories fade, and over time the strongest emotions and core parts of a ghost’s essence take center stage. Sometimes, it depicts something harmless, as it has with her ladies in waiting who shower her with care and affection beyond the grave. While sometimes their caring nature could become overbearing, the princess for the most part enjoyed her time spent with the ladies.

Most of the time the shift in demeanor is not as pleasant. Take her brother Aragon for example. She didn’t see much of her brother by the time the kingdom fell to ruin due to him taking over the throne and being too busy to spend time with his sister. They were distant, but even so, Dorathea knew that there was a familial love and bond between them somewhere. In their final moments, as they both burned and died alongside their people, Dorathea reached for her brother’s hand and he squeezed back so hard that she felt her bones creak while the rest of their bodies were engulfed in flames.

There was a sense of common ground when they both first entered the Ghost Zone. The siblings realized that the amulets that they had been wearing during their final moments brought about an incredible ability in their new afterlife. Aragon was ready to work hard, to be stronger, and to be more powerful so as not to disgrace his people again. He began to spend more time training his ghostly abilities, forcing his dragon form to last for longer periods of time.

At first, Dorathea was proud of her brother’s perceived noble actions at the time. However, things changed once the sky darkened, and a new inescapable Dark Age was born.

Dorathea realized too late the shift in her brother, her mother, and the people in the kingdom. The layer of malice that coated their words and actions, the fading of shared memories of their time before this realm, and finally the loss of their identity. There was no recollection of past bonds, no memory of the land they once knew as home. Not even Dorathea, try as she might, could remember the name of her homeland. The only name she knows is one that has been accepted and recognized by the people, as well as their leader. Aragon’s Kingdom.

To see her people fall victim once again, it reminded the princess of painful memories from her last moments alive. Those memories, so close to her demise, drowned her core in grief and sorrow for being unable to protect and prevent her people from being hurt again. She was helpless to change the outcome, yet she wishes she could do more.

Once the Dark Age had settled in the realm, Dorathea understood how rare it was that she hadn’t succumbed to losing as much of her past as the people around her.

Her mother very early on had become more cruel in her time over this realm. What used to be slight disdain had escalated to controlling, bullying, and finally hatred. The words she would spit at her daughter at first would make Dorathea run to her tower and sob for what felt like days. It wasn’t long before her brother joined in on the cruelty. His words hurt her more than anything. She remembered that as a human Aragon had always been stoic, yet his eyes shone with softness when he saw her. Unfortunately, since Aragon had mastered the power of the amulet, his bright red eyes were frigid and hard. There was a coldness that emanated from her brother that she knows (hopes) it cannot be real.

“That’s not how ghosts change, you know that this realm only enhances attributes, it does not have the ability to create a person anew,” her head whispers. Dorathea had pushed that thought from her mind when she first saw her brother after seeing the malicious glint in his gaze.

However, that was long ago at the beginning of Prince Aragon’s rule of the realm. The princess learned how to act and behave to avoid the majority of her brother and mother’s wrath. The words thrown at her ( useless, pathetic, a waste ) no longer felt like a physical stab wound. The effect her family had on her never fully went away, but it was more of a twitch to her core. After spending what felt like centuries in this realm, the princess understood that whatever bond and love was shared in their human lives has long disintegrated along with their corpses.

She is loyal to her brother, but not out of any real love. Not anymore. The bond that chains her to her brother is the connection that the amulets share.

Those damned amulets.

Dorathea treasures her memories and emotions more than the amulet that has followed her into the afterlife. She wears it out of habit, at least that’s what she says.

To be honest, she doesn’t ever recall having tried taking it off. Something about doing so feels as if she is admitting defeat. It feels wrong. As if she would lose more of herself than she already has.

Perhaps it is because it was the most important task given to her while she was human. When Father passed, he had instructed that Aragon and Dorathea be given the amulets to wear until the next generation of the royal line could take them. Neither of the siblings understood why Father urged that the jewelry be protected at all costs. Even now, Dorathea is not quite sure what Father knew. Any possible secret behind the amulets disappeared along with the King’s final breath.

The point is that Dorathea adapted to her new environment. She learned how to act and behave in the realm, and has survived. But she’s tired. Each new day has her feeling as if a chip of her existence evaporates every time she looks outside and sees the infinitely dark and cloudy sky.  

Dorathea wonders if she will ever feel whole again.

***

Recently there have been whispers from the people in the kingdom.

The border between the Ghost Zone and the human world is thinning.

A portal is forming from the humans’ side. It feels unnatural.

There is tittering from the ladies in waiting, there’s unease, yet also a buzz of energy surrounding the kingdom.

Dorathea feels it too.

It has been a long time since a portal has opened in such close proximity to their realm to be able to feel it this strongly. The last time it had happened, Dorathea created an elaborate scheme that allowed her to escape into the human world, if only for a bit.

She knew the dangers of natural portals. The instability, the real risk of being stuck in the human realm and unable to return for an indefinite amount of time. Yet, she had gone.

Dorathea ended up in the kingdom of Mali, and it was a memory that she looks back on quite fondly. However, due to certain social mishaps, Dorathea learned quickly that the human world had changed quite a lot and it would not help to enter the human realm naive. Since her last adventure, the princess has spent much of her time meeting with the Ghost Writer (she’s unsure how he manages to enter their realm given the “safety” protocols the prince has) and absorbing any information that he is able to bring to her. Most of the time, they’re fictional stories that transport her to new worlds and adventures. They’re bittersweet to read, but the envy fades quickly once a new curious piece of technology or slang appears. When the Ghost Writer comes back to pick up her book, a list of questions spew forth and he gladly answers all her questions.

With the appearance of the new portal, Dorathea is determined to leave again. With the way this human-made portal is operating, it feels to be in one location, and constantly open.

Aragon is in the midst of planning a ball. It’s not so much a ball as it is an excuse for the kingdom’s subjects to bask in Aragon’s power and pretend to enjoy the music that to Dorathea’s ears makes her crave a second death.

The princess knows that the human realm would have a better ball (nowadays called dances, according to Ghost Writer) than anything her brother has hosted. Between the preparation and everyone’s wariness about upsetting Prince Aragon, it was painfully easy for Dorathea to escape towards the portal despite her mother’s words against doing so.

Touching the portal felt nothing like the natural one she had passed through before. This one felt as if her body wanted to simultaneously split and compress. The immense pressure hit her immediately from all different directions, pushing and pulling on different parts of her body. She felt parts of her involuntarily distort. Her legs merged into a tail without her control, an undetectable wind was blowing against her face and hair. There was static in the air that felt like tiny needles poking at her body. The space was screaming into her head.

Wrong, unnatural, LEAVE!

Still, Dorathea pushed on and forced herself to keep moving forward despite the strain it was putting on her body. The only part of her that felt steady was the amulet across her chest. She felt it tugging her towards a direction, which she blindly followed hoping that it would lead her to the other end of the portal. This feels nothing like the last portal I had taken, Dorathea thought to herself.

After what felt like eons, she passed through to the other side.

She collapsed onto the ground, slightly dazed at the intense strain that this portal had placed on her body. Just how strong was this portal? Dorathea made herself invisible, worried about what the powerful and terrifying human beings who managed to create this portal would be like.

She was lucky to notice that the space was empty. Things looked odd here, very metallic and cold. It felt almost like a dungeon. There were glass beakers everywhere, an odd box with a shiny black surface on one side of the box was in the corner of the room. When she saw a green residue on one of the far tables of the room, she concluded that her initial impression wasn’t that far off. The princess decided to avoid the strange box as she looked for an escape. Dorathea saw a staircase that looked to lead up towards the upper levels of this... whatever this place was. Whatever she’s read and learned from the Ghost Writer and his books did not prepare her enough for this strange space. Actually, she’s unsure how long it has been since she came into the human realm.

That doesn’t matter. We came here to find a ball, and a ball is what we shall find, Dorathea reminded herself.

Until she could find a ball to attend, she would remain invisible. Her amulet will protect her, (it might be a chain tethering her to her brother, but is still powerful and allows her to present more human traits) but it would be best to err on the side of caution. After all, she does not want any unnecessary trouble from the humans who created this portal.

Princess Dorathea’s core thrums in excitement, and in her high spirits, she begins to quietly hum to an old tune that has been lost to time and memory to the living and undead worlds. A tune Father had taught her and although she had forgotten the lyrics long ago, the melody plays in her head crystal clear.

She hopes that this new experience will bring memories worth keeping.

[nishaapologist]

Proved You Right (Fallout 4, Sarah Lyons/NB!LW - First Sentinel AU)

a small note: this mentions having a basement in Home Plate, but that’s actually because i have a mod that lets me stick basements down to have a bit more space to breathe. for the sake of I Did It In My Game So It Counts, there’s also a basement in this au too! so yeah. anyway have this gay shit.

(sarah’s pronouns are she/her, rookie’s are they/them)

—

“This probably comes as, like, no surprise, but man... I love this city.”

Finding out there was a balcony, of sorts, on the roof of Sarah’s home in Diamond City — home plate, as they call it, which was a name that’d flown right over Sarah’s head until Rookie had gleefully explained the term — had been a pleasant surprise when Sarah had thrown down the two-thousand or so caps to buy the place, clambering up the rickety old ladder to the roof on her first inspection of the house only to find herself in a little sitting area that overlooked the market. She hadn’t made great use of it right away, more interested in the basement underneath that would later become her new base(ment) of operations in the Commonwealth, but then Rookie had shown up to Diamond City on the coattails of a local merchant, and now they spend near every evening sitting in the shell of an old caravan that’s been welded down to the corrugated sheets of the roof, drinking lukewarm beer as they listen to Myrna holler anti-synth slogans, or quietly singing along to songs on the radio until exhaustion makes all the words collapse into mumbles.

It’s a moment of peace, of relaxation, in a time increasingly fraught with battles and tension, and Sarah actually looks forward to tinkering with weapons or armour on her lap at the end of the day, Rookie beside her and resting on an old sunlounger as they hum along to the radio. It helps to put things into perspective, rather than grinding herself down to a sliver as — many years ago — she would have always done.

“I mean, I don’t like the mayor, or his whole ‘no-ghouls’ bullshit or anything,” they quickly add when Sarah glances up from under her eyelashes, head bowed as she turns the extended magazine of a 10-mil pistol about in her hand. Back in the Citadel, over a decade ago, weapon modding was never really a thing Sarah had needed to do, but it turns out that after years of maintaining Power Armor she has quite the knack for it. It’s just a bit more fiddly than she’s used to, is all. “But I really like everything else. The people, mostly. The market. The stands. All that stuff.”

Sarah snorts under her breath, squinting back down as the sunlight slowly dims on the horizon, a cool evening ushering in a breeze and making the hairs on her arms prickle. Spring is approaching the Commonwealth, the months quick to pass, and soon the most hardy of trees will be flush with life again, Ragstag fawns wobbling on unsteady legs, Yao Guai slowly waking from hibernation. It’s a new year, and 2288 is already shaping up to be an exciting one. “You sure that’s not just ‘cause we’re on a baseball field? Pitch?” Sarah screws up her nose. “Stadium?”

“Baseball park?” Rookie offers, though there’s no surety in their voice. “We called it the baseball diamond back in the Vault, since that was pretty much all we had space for.”

“Baseball diamond, then. You sure it’s not ‘cause of that? Isn’t this, like, your wildest dream, or whatever?”

Rookie kicks one leg out at Sarah, too far away for their foot to even hope of landing anywhere near her, but she jerks backwards to dodge it anyway, laughing at their grimace as they retract their foot. “Oh, please! I have bigger dreams than arguing with Moe fuckin’ Cronin about how ass-backwards he got his baseball rules!”

That first argument with Moe had been quite the spectacle, and one Sarah knows Diamond City won’t forget any time soon; Rookie had been checking out his stock with wide eyes, giving each bat a practice swing to feel the weight and heft as it arced around, and when he’d leant down to tell them how crazy Pre-War baseball had been — one team would beat the other team to death with things called Baseball Bats, and the best bats were called Swatters — Rookie had given him a public dressing-down that even Sarah had sidled away from, lest Rookie’s faithful bat, grasped in increasingly irate hands, accidentally found an arc directly into her skull by mistake. It had ended most excitingly with a lot of swears, intervention from the guards, and Rookie’s solemn declaration that they were never gonna buy bats from ‘such a dipshit’, and even now they and Moe glare daggers at each other from across the market, much to Sarah’s ongoing amusement with the whole thing.

As if remembering the same incident, Rookie takes a swig of beer, glowering off at the floodlights that shine down onto the city. “At least Alex agrees with me about him. This shit’s a dying art, apparently.”

Sarah pauses for a moment, and she can’t help the way her gaze tracks towards the far stands, glancing through one of the glassless windows to where ramshackle abodes sit, suspended, above the common rabble. Alex — or the Sole Survivor as some call her now, after her story about the Vault got published for hundreds of eyes to see, and for many more mouths to gossip about — had been granted a house in the upper stands by Mayor McDonough out of the kindness (or manipulation) of his heart, offering her a safe place to adapt to the new and unforgiving world she’d found herself in. Since they’d met, Sarah had struggled to get much more out of her than single-syllable words and pleas for her to find her son, but it was only when Rookie had shown up that her sturdy, Pre-War walls had finally begun to crumble, just a little.

Really, it’s because they’re a Vaultie, too — different experiments be damned — and it helps that they’re someone who was also thrown into the topsy-turvy world of the wastes with nary an idea for the horrors within. They might not quite be out of time, but they do understand being out of place, and when it turned out that Alex is (or, perhaps was) quite the baseball buff herself, they’d forged a connection that made her, initially, a little warmer. Nowadays, Alex is very nearly sociable.

But she still very much keeps to herself, and it’s enough to have Sarah worry. She sees a lot, maybe too much, of Rookie in her — back when they met in Chevy Chase, still new to this world — to be strictly comfortable leaving her to her own devices, but there’s not much else to be done. It’ll take years before she’ll ever really adapt, Rookie had said, years until she can really grapple with the world she doesn’t know. It’s just tough shit.

“Yeah,” Sarah murmurs absently, drawing herself from her rabbithole of thoughts, and Rookie follows her eyeline carefully, knowing exactly where she’s looking. “Well, hey. I guess you have to think of it this way; you and Alex make up two people who know how to play baseball, right? How many more do you need for a full team?”

Rookie laughs at that, sombre face breaking out into a toothy grin, and they slide even further down the lounger as their hat slips over their eyebrows. “Hah! Find me six more Vaulties, and then we’ll really be talking. I’ll be able to hit the first homerun in two-hundred fuckin’ years.”

“Wait,” Sarah says with a frown, doing the maths. Even to her ears, it doesn’t seem to add up right. “Only eight people? You sure?”

Rookie snorts, and then they reach up to take their hat off with a lazy pluck, eyeing Sarah up seconds before her vision goes dark as it’s tossed, haphazardly, onto her head and over her eyes.

“Baby,” Rookie coos fondly as she splutters, nearly dropping the magazine to the ground whilst she scrambles to whip it off her head. “Bold of you to think you can worm your way out of being our pitcher.”

The hat gets launched back at Rookie’s face, the brim making a dull impact on the bridge of their nose, and their shout of pain and laughter echoes right across the city.

[sepublic]

Proposed origins for Butt Witch

(Keep in mind, these are just for fun, speculation, and/or fanfic purposes. Thus, while some suggested origins are theories, most are just headcanons I came up with.)

-Butt Witch is just the embodiment of Reggie’s insecurities over growing up, puberty, womanhood, etc. Her unusually possessive view of Endless and expectation of it to be tailored to herdesires are fake memories and delusions planted into her mind by Endless, meant to darkly reflect Reggie’s center-of-the-universe view of Endless, and likewise show how she expects Endless to be for HER, even though evidence suggests otherwise that it’s for anyone who enters and Reggie has no actual claim to single ownership of the island.

(Personally I’m not too sure about this one, because Butt Witch, again, acts very surprise in general about Endless, as if she was expecting something else. Likewise, while other creations from real-world objects have memories, they’re usually adapted from their real-world experiences –like Brown Roger’s love of Reggie- and not from anything on Endless.)

-Butt Witch is the embodiment of someone else’s fears of growing up, created from whatever they buried or naturally generated by Endless itself. She tormented this previous human visitor but was later defeated and trapped in the volcano.

-Butt Witch was a friend of a previous human visitor, either made from the sand or by Endless itself. The two both wanted an adult paradise out of Endless and got it, but due to some falling out Butt Witch was trapped in the volcano and later summoned by Reggie’s personal issues. She feels entitled to Endless because beforehand, Butt Witch was her human friend’s equal and was thus given sway over the island and its populace during their friendship. Alternatively, her human creator decided to permanently leave Endless and trapped Butt Witch under the volcano under false pretenses, not wanting to break the truth. Perhaps Butt Witch tried to keep her human friend from leaving Endless, too, and even tried to sabotage escapes by breaking the key.

-The popular one; Butt Witch is a human visitor to Endless who arrived long before even Elmer. She’s been there for so long that her Endless-form has transformed into an extreme caricature of itself, and she may or may not have forgotten parts of her previous life. During her initial reign on Endless, the island was a more ‘adult’ place (whatever that means). Inexplicably, she was trapped in the volcano and apparently summoned by the puberty books, possibly because her personality was the ideal representation of whatever being Endless would have created from Reggie’s insecurities. In other words, the island brought her back as the manifestation of Reggie’s fear of growing up, assigning Butt Witch this sole purpose.

           -Branching out from the aforementioned human origin, Butt Witch is a hybrid of a transformed human and whatever being that was created from the puberty books. Butt Witch was buried in the volcano a long while ago, and when Reggie threw the books into it, Butt Witch, who was also buried in the lava, was included in the transformation, the same way various items when buried together (like Todd’s possessions and Borbo’s drawing) merge into a fusion. Because she was human, Butt Witch didn’t start transforming until a real-world object was added into the burial.

           As a result, if she remembers her past life or is aware of the circumstances of her rebirth, she may have an identity crisis as she questions what part of her actions and motives are her own, or just the will of the island trying to make a point to Reggie. The two don’t have to be mutually-exclusive, either.

           -Further adding to the original human theory (and acting as a possible extension to the hybrid theory), is a VERY crazy, edgy, and not-to-be-taken-seriously proposal for a dark fanfiction. But what if… Butt Witch was a homunculus born from a dead body.

           Essentially, a previous human visitor lost a loved one, and knowing how Endless gave life to buried objects, brought the dead body to Endless and buried it. Instead of being brought back to life, the body instead transformed into a hollow imitation of the original personal, a shallow facsimile and caricature; In other words, the being that came about was like a Homunculus from the Fullmetal Alchemist 2003 anime series.

           The human who buried the body was quickly disappointed when they realized their loved one wasn’t really brought back from the dead. Unable to handle their failure, and seeing the Homunculus as a constant reminder of their grief and loss, the human buried the being within the volcano to hide the evidence, out of sight and mind, and eventually left Endless. This buried Homunculus eventually became the being known as Butt Witch thanks to the puberty books- Her small speech to Brown Roger about being ‘thrown away and buried like a dog would bury a luscious bone’ applies to this idea.

           (Honestly, I’m half-tempted to write a fanfiction about this concept, but it might be toodark and edgy.)

           -As a slightly alternate take to the resurrection theory, Butt Witch was once a human who visited Endless with another friend. Like Reggie, Todd, and Esther, they got into a fight, but this ended up actually going too far and killing Butt Witch. Her human friend panicked and buried her in the volcano to hide the evidence, or tried to bring her back to life by burying the body in the sand. It didn’t work, and Butt Witch has possibly mistaken that friend’s burial as them abandoning her.

           (A less edgy take on this idea is that instead of dying, Butt Witch just got accidentally trapped and buried by her friend, who thought her dead and gave up on finding her body. Either way, she has abandonment issues and resentment.)

           -Butt Witch was a human visitor who got transformed and whatnot, BUT she intentionally put herself in the volcano to willfully forget her lost life. She got trapped in Endless because her key broke while she was on the island, and unable to return home, she yearned to forget the painful life she missed. So, she buried herself- Possibly to escape the pain of existence through sleep, or to hurry up the process of forgetting her past life. Either way, Butt Witch forgot, with only a general idea of Endless being for her and whatnot remaining.

           (Melding with the human friends proposal, perhaps they had a fight that broke BW’s key, and the friend angrily stormed off and left Endless. Butt Witch however realized her key was broken shortly afterwards, and she waited for her friend to return to bring her back, but she never did… The friend never looked for BW because they assumed she could leave whenever she wanted with her key and thought BW choseto stay in Endless forever. Butt Witch thinks the friend willingly trapped her in Endless to die and intentionally broke the key to do so.)

           -Butt Witch was one of THE original inhabitants of Endless, naturally born, before the island began appealing itself and attracting human children. This original proto-Endless was a more grotesque, nightmare realm of which Butt Witch and other eldritch beings naturally inhabited, but when the island began changing its appearance to invite visitors, Butt Witch was buried within the volcano due to her unappealing, aggressive nature and appearance.

By the time she comes back from the puberty books, Butt Witch has no idea why her home has inexplicably changed and why these random human kids have claimed it and act like it’s been catered to them this whole time. She’s essentially a different flavor of victim of Endless, a native displaced and rejected by her own sentient world, brought back only for her usefulness.

-Butt Witch created Endless from scratch to be her own ‘adult paradise’, and may or may not have been a human who did so. However, another human child desired their own escapist world and in turn was summoned to Endless, more or less hijacking the island from Butt Witch and imprisoning her in the volcano.

Further expanding on this idea, perhaps Butt Witch created Endless to lure edgy people in who desired an ‘adult paradise’ to feed on their negativity and presumptions of maturity, but then it backfired when someone took the opportunity to grow as an actual person and challenge her reign.

-She was an inhabitant of Endless born from negativity in the form of those worms, or whatever other possible origin. She hijacked Endless from the human visitor at the time and turned it into her own Adult Paradise for a while, but was eventually defeated and trapped.

           -Butt Witch was human, but her transformation was influenced by her actively eating the negativity worms. That, or she brought visitors to Endless to torment them, cause discourse, feed on their negativity, etc.

           -Butt Witch is what happens when those negativity worms are able to grow on their own and develop. Perhaps the original batch fused together to create BW.

[valeriannnn]

if youve ever wanted to think about what almost every major RWBY character would main in professional overwatch, then today is your lucky day! brought to you by hiatus, return of owl, and 3am delirium

RUBY - Star DPS.  Extremely flashy, always on the highlight reel.  Will play whatever is needed to pound the enemies into dirt, but also the type to say "fuck it ok guys trust me im gonna pop off" and swap to her signature widow/tracer to Pop Off.  Works unfailingly.  Team captain and emotional core.  Prefers mobile heroes and an unpredictable playstyle.

WhiteSnow - Flex Support/Flex DPS.  Put her on any sniper (including and especially Ana) and watch all hell rain down.  Methodical playstyle, favors high-utility heroes.  Aside from snipers, can often be found on Baptiste/Mei/Symmetra.  Enables teammates to make big plays, but often sacrifices her own presence in the killfeed for the benefit of the team as a whole.  Loves to maker opponents' lives a living hell with CC.  Line em up, knock em down.

Belladonna - Offtank.  Extremely attentive to her backline, constantly running interference and peeling for allies.  Impossible to catch off-guard.  Delights in thwarting the enemy team's plans and preventing them from making the plays they want to.  Excellent map awareness and always the one to touch point to preserve overtime.  Shotcaller.  Struggled with committing to risky/aggressive plays, but being on a reliable team has made her more comfortable performing her role and trusting her teammates to have her back.  Prefers mobile heroes but will adapt to any situation to work in perfect tandem with...

YangXiaoLong - Main Tank.  Could have been a DPS main but early on committed to tank role to enable her duo parter (and little sister) to pop off (and have shorter queue times).  Developed a real knack for controlling space and being a brick goddamn wall between her squishies and the enemy team.  Extremely aggressive playstyle, but has cooled down in recent years to be more of a team player.  Still loves to thrash about when given the opportunity.  Known for bold plays and phatty shatties.

Arc - Main Support.  Tried for years to be a DPS hotshot but was determinedly mediocre and got hard stuck in plat.  Persuaded by Pyrrha to pocket her for a few games, and discovered the depth and fulfillment of playing support to a well-coordinated team.  Nurtured his aptitude for assisting from the backline and quickly rose through the ranks.  Will play whatever is meta but will always be a Mercy main at heart.  Played Brig during GOATS.  Shotcaller.

Valkyrie - Doomfist.

Nikos - Main Tank.  Extremely methodical player, reknowned for big brain cerebral plays and unflappability.  Can be slow to push advantages, but never makes mistakes.  Loves the mind games in a Rein v Rein matchup, and unfailingly blocks the enemy shatter (delights in cucking the enemy Rein).  Will play Orisa For The Good Of The Team but takes no joy in it.  Terrifying on defense; takes a strong position and allows time pressure to force enemies into missteps.  When you make a mistake, she will be there.  Strategic backbone of the team.

RenLie - Flex Support.  Bloodthirsty support.  Likes the balance of damage potential and support capacity in Zenyatta, but puts forth strong showings on Moira and Ana as well.  First priority is of course keeping his team alive, but flankers trying to dive him in the back line tend to get sent home in tears.  Big Jjonak energies. :uwuknife: Can be susceptible to tunnel vision/desperation, and occasionally needs teammates to re-ground him.  Always nanos Nora.

PPolen - Offtank.  D.Va one-trick.  Absolutely notorious for eating ults; absolutely infuriating to play hitscan into.  Flawless mechanical skill.  Occasionally struggles with communication, but honestly so on-the-ball that it doesn't usually come back to bite her.  Always has gold objective time.

Qrow - True flex.  Exclusively solo-queues on ladder, just plays the leaderboards.  Played just about every role at some point (except main tank, fuck that), but currently on a flex support kick.  Holds world records for gravs/blizzards/immortality feels clipping through the geometry and falling out of the map.  The sort of Ana who will singlehandedly take out both enemy DPS when beset by flankers only to immediately die to an errant Moira orb.  Gamers can we get an F in chat.  Accustomed to playing on 200+ ping and is deeply unsettled when he moves somewhere with good internet and has to re-learn all his timings.

RWBY+JNPR+P All form a single 9-man roster.  Sub out roles with redundant players for map set strategies and for flexible plays.  Probably called the Beacon Huntsmen or something generic like that, who cares

Winter - Main Tank and Offtank.  Excellent mechanical skill.  Unparalleled when allowed to execute her set strategy, but struggles with adaptability.  Extremely self-sacrificial, and knows exactly how to leverage her health pool to buy time and/or space for her allies to make the plays they need to.  Will unflinchingly act upon callouts, good or bad, because the worst outcome is a split decision.  Especially fond of a quick reset.

Whitley - Doesn't play Overwatch, but holds several championship trophies in international Pokemon tournaments.  Minecraft youtuber.

Adam - Widow one-trick.  Highly overrated, inexplicably popular streamer.  Mechanically talented but poison in a team environment.  Picked up and quickly dropped from several professional teams.  Teabags.  Looks impressive on stream but crumbles against opponents with any semblance of coordination.  Eventually blacklisted from professional environments after one too many scandals in his personal life.

Ozpin -Franchise owner.  Has never actually touched Overwatch, but used to be a respected Starcraft player back in the day.  Took on a coaching role for a time, but now largely manages from afar.  Has a sparse and cryptic social media presence.  Makes business decisions largely at random, unbeknownst to all his subordinates.

Salem - Hates videogames. Will unplug the router if you piss her off.

Ace Ops - High profile roster hand-picked for perfectly complementary hero pools.  Hyped to fuck in the preseason.  Unparalleled individual play but poor communication, incompatible playstyles, and truly abysmal coaching staff keep them from being a top-tier team.  Widely considered a disappointment considering the talent and money backing them.

Harriet - DPS.  Exclusively plays flankers and extremely mobile DPS.  Tries to solo-carry; in her defense, it often works.  Unironically brags/complains about having gold medals.  Quick to tilt but often uses the negative energy to pop off even harder.  Overtime clutch god.

Marrow - Flex DPS.  Cautious player, often hesitant to commit to risky strats.  Flawless positioning, both personally and for thrown abilities.  Talent for projectile DPS; probably contributed not-insignificantly to scatter arrow being removed from the game.  Prefers to understand the enemy's strategy before acting.  Shotcaller.  Nobody listens.

Elm - Main Tanks (Except Reinhardt), Zarya.  Aggressive tank player, frequently found with gold damage.  Generally good natured but vulnerable to tilt if on a losing streak.  Highly momentum-based.  Makes tutorial videos on strategy and positioning for her youtube channel.  Wants to see the competitive scene develop and flourish, but sensitive to feeling threatened by new talent.  Helps them anyway.

Vine - Flex Tanks (except Zarya), Reinhardt.  Unflappable, regardless of quality of games or recent performance.  Good at reading enemy team and tracking ults.  Generally calls enemy plays before they happen.  Always sticks with Elm, largely out of obligation to bail her out when her aggression puts her in a dicey position.  Understated player, rarely in highlight compilations, but extremely consistent performance.  Plays off-meta in scrims so as not to reveal strats.

Clover - Main Healer. Can play any support, but Lucio main through and through.  Suffers from Reddit Lucio syndrome, but usually good enough (or lucky enough) to get away with it.  Loves to deny enemy followup.  Peel master, boop god.  PMA to a borderline-irritating degree.  Gives great pep talks at half time.  Tends to overcommit to strategies that are dead in the water; sometimes it's better to call it and switch comps while you still have time on the clock. Despite this, is opportunistic in the moment-to-moment sense and quick to capitalize on enemy vulnerabilities.

Flynt Coal - Lucio one-trick.  I mean, come on.

Wukong - ???  Exclusively plays off-meta heroes and weird shit.  Talented but remains on ladder because he doesn’t like the rigid structure of tournament play.  Refuses to be confined to a single role.  Hates role lock cause he can’t swap mid game anymore.  Despite all this, somehow tends to be more of an asset than a detriment.  Definitely a team player.  PMA king.  Occasionally finds legitimately competitive strata for underutilized heroes.  Nutty with hammond movement, godawful with mines.  Has the Winston skin equipped, of course.

Ilia - DPS.  Popular streamer.  Tried going pro for a bit, but didn’t like the schedule and retired shortly.  Frequently plays with the community and does weird custom game modes for a laugh.  Loves Daddy Rein Chases Tiny Torblets.  Refuses to open loot boxes, much to the dismay of her stream.  Plays Golfing Over It during long queues.  Draws all her own custom emotes.

Watts - DPS.  Mains Widow, Sombra; plays anything that lets him avoid ever actually engaging the enemy at close range.  Thinks the game stopped being good when Sombra GOATS stopped being a thing.  Spends all day on twitter heckling pro players and declaring Overwatch a dead game.  Suspected of cheating.  Considers himself a shotcaller but isn't very good at it.

Tyrian - Plays Junkrat and Roadhog exclusively.  Thinks it's bullshit that the game doesn't have friendly fire.  Thinks it's bullshit that Junkrat doesn't deal self-inflicted damage anymore.  Master of the bounce shot.  Tends to treat the game like a TDM and forget the objective in favor fragging out.  Targets a single enemy player and tries to get them to tilt.  Uses voice chat but only laughs.  Never makes callouts.  Trash talks in all-chat.  Considers it a personal victory if he gets someone to rage quit.

Hazel - No Role.  Doesn't really get the idea of the metagame; knows it's generally good to have a balanced team but thats about as deep as he chooses to go.  Was one of the old guards of PC gaming but now that it's a mainstream hobby has to refuses to confront that he's hot garbage at them.  Can't really parse everything that's happening onscreen in a fast-paced game like overwatch, so he just picks Torb (regardless of map or attacking/defending status) and uses the turret as a security blanket.  Godawful turret placement.  Still has a good time somehow.

Cinder - Main Tank.  Likes the importance of the role, and especially the way her team has to follow her calls for any chance of success.  A nice balance of aggression and craftiness, she makes a fearsome opponent.  Callouts could be more frequent/detailed, but her directions are always good when given.  Very susceptible to emotional ups and downs, and often takes out frustration on teammates.  Takes losses very hard, gloats about wins.  Happiest with an Ana pocket.

Emerald - Offtank.  Would be much happier on DPS or Support, but desperate to show off and live up to Cinder's expectations.  Sticks with her main tank except when it's absolutely necessary to peel for the back line.  Tends to be overcautious with ults; she's good enough mechanically to earn them relatively quickly, but fear of whiffing one makes her reticent to spend them.  Flawless bubble timing on Zarya.

Mercury - Support.  Still considers Symmetra a support.  Quick to whip out the blaster and try to fight off flankers instead of calling for assistance.  Knows all the angles for a narsty biotic grenade.  Plays as though he's got better positioning and backup than he does; frequently gets opponents to back off just by winning the mental game.  Will let allies die on ladder if they piss him off.

[deathstands]

              ・   。   ◟  major   big   uwu   moment   ,   i   haven’t   been   this   excited   abt   an   rp   in   a   minute   &   i’m   ecstatic   for   my   muse   !   i’m   really   glad   to   meet   you   all   ,   i’m   cc   ,   nineteen   &   a   notorious   loser   .   a   quick   about   regarding   seamus   ,   former   nasa   nerd   ,   lover   of   stars   ,   fight   mode   because   he’s   been   doing   it   his   whole   life   .   this   is   entirely   too   long   &   winded   ,   but   i   think   (   ???   )   it’s   cool   n   e   way   .   like   this   &   i’ll   come   to   u   for   plotting   or   ,   lmk   if   you’d   prefer   to   plot   on   d*scord   .

                                stats  /  wanted  connections  tag  /  connections  page

(   ben   hardy.   cis   male.   he   /   him.   )   /   SEAMUS   OLMSTEAD   has   been   with   the   group   for   two   years   and   is   currently   doing   their   part   in   the   community   as   a   car   mechanic.   while   here,   the   twenty-nine   year   old   has   created   the   reputation   of   being   abrasive   &   cursory,   but   can   also   be   known   as   venturesome   &   jocular.   in   a   sticky   situation,   they   will   resort   to   fight   mode   and   their   current   weapon   is   a   handmade   spear.

𝓲.     𝕒𝕓𝕣𝕚𝕕𝕘𝕖𝕞𝕖𝕟𝕥   .

full   name   :   seamus   lucas  olmstead   nickname(s) :   lucas  ,  bastard  ,  selfish  wanker age   :  twenty  -  nine gender   /   pronouns   :  cis gendered   male   /   he  /  him sexuality   :  bisexual  /  panromantic hometown   :  des   moines   ,   iowa position   :   car  mechanic previous  occupation  :  aeronautical  &  aerospace  engineer faceclaim :  ben  hardy

fun facts : misses   his   cigarettes   *   clenches   fists   *   every   gd   day   ,   hasn't   brushed   his   hair   in   three   months   ,   used   to   be   a   division   one   collegiate   swimmer   ,   doesn't   know   how   he   made   it   this   far   because   he's   loud   &   selfish   ,   stargazes   at   night   by   himself   :(   ,   has   worked   on   rockets   ,   gives   good   hugs   but   doesn't   give   many   out   .

aesthetic :  the   dark   side   of   the   moon   ,   quiet   contemplations   while   bathing   in   the   moonlight   ,   drowning   in   a   field   of   grass   while   mourning   a   broken   family   ,   running   in   slow   motion   in   the   shallows   of   a   pool   ,   blessings   from   artemis   ,   a   worn   out   id   badge   unable   to   be   thrown   away   ,   targets   on   your   back   &   watching   out   for   yourself   first   &   yourself   only   .

𝓲𝓲.     𝕔𝕙𝕣𝕠𝕟𝕚𝕔𝕝𝕖   .

death tw .

bathed   in   the   moonlight   at   his   birth   ,   the   first   thing   icy   hues   see   are   the   stars   .   implanted   into   his   memory   ,   he   grows   up   loving   the   night   sky   .   at   four   ,   he   brings   his   twin   baby   brothers   out   on   the   rooftop   his   window   leads   to   &   shows   him   the   constellations   the   night   they   come   home   from   the   hospital   .   his   parents   yell   at   him   for   endangering   his   brother   ,   but   all   he   wanted   to   do   was   show   him   his   love   for   space   . 

he   grows   up   thinking   he’ll   go   to   the   stars   .   he’s   smart   &   he’s   sharp   ,   but   he   can’t   ignore   the   way   the   kids   in   his   class   laugh   at   him   ,   how   they   make   fun   of   him   when   he   comes   to   school   with   a   fishbowl   around   his   head   like   he’s   an   astronaut   .   he   doesn’t   fight   back   at   first   because   he   can’t   –   he’s   small   ,   skinny   &   he’s   a   nerd   ;   that’s   how   it   is   &   that’s   just   something   he’ll   have   to   ignore   if   he   wants   to   go   to   space   .

&   so   ,   thirteen   years   of   his   life   he’s   a   nerd   ;   nothing   but   a   skinny   little   boy   with   his   head   stuck   in   a   science   textbook   &   that’s   his   brand   .   but   in   eighth   grade   ,   his   mom   of   tired   of   her   skinny   lil   son   coming   home   with   bruises   &   black   eyes   because   he’s   fighting   his   bullies   ,   so   she   signs   him   up   for   the   swim   team   .   tiny   ,   little   seamus   who   lives   in   a   land-locked   state   ,   forced   to   swim   .

luckily   though   ,   it   all   works   out   for   the   better   .   he   takes   to   water   like   he’s   taken   to   STEM   &   it’s   all   in   his   favor   .   over   the   next   few   years   ,   he   finally   hits   his   growth   spurt   (   say   hello   to   6′2″   ,   seamus   )   &   buffs   out   ,   gaining   a   swimmer’s   body   while   still   keeping   up   his   smart   lil   head   .   he   learns   to   fight   ,   finally   ,   &   people   leave   him   alone   when   they   realize   he’s   no   longer   just   brains   ,   he’s   also   brawn   .   

at   the   end   of   his   high   school   career   ,   stanford   gladly   offers   him   an   athletic   scholarship   &   to   nobody’s   surprise   ,   he’s   accepted   into   the   aeronautics   &   aerospace   engineering   program   .   he   thrives   ,   obviously   ,   balancing   swimming   &   his   heavy   workload   very   well   .   college   is   a   breeze   &   he   loves   it   ,   because   he’s   met   like   minded   people   with   like   minded   goals   &   nobody’s   making   fun   of   him   when   he   snags   an   internship   with   nasa   after   graduation   .

but   ,   his   senior   year   ,   his   youngest   brother   –   the   younger   twin   ,   abraham   ,   is   killed   in   a   freak   accident   &   seamus   doesn’t   hear   about   it   because   he’s   too   busy   .   it   takes   a   full   day   &   over   twenty   people   until   he   hears   the   news   &   it   tears   him   apart   .   abraham’s   death   tears   the   entire   family   apart   –   how   did   a   seventeen   year   old   pass   so   suddenly   &   so   quickly   without   any   warning   ?

well   ,   seamus   doesn’t   ever   return   home   after   the   funeral   .   he   throws   himself   into   work   ,   finishing   his   masters   in   record   time   ,   earning   a   job   at   nasa   by   the   time   he’s   twenty   -   four   .   he’s   a   full   blown   rocket   scientist   &   an   astronaut   in   training   ,   which   should   make   him   happy   but   he’s   felt   nothing   but   childlike   anger   since   abraham’s   death   .   how   unfair   ,   that   death   just   takes   &   takes   &   takes   .

&   death   doesn’t   get   any   kinder   .   twenty   -   five   ,   his   partner   dies   during   flight   training   &   his   mom   passes   suddenly   from   an   illness   nobody   knew   she   had   .   twenty   -   six   &   the   outbreak   starts   .   all   of   his   friends   at   nasa   die   in   front   of   his   eyes   &   by   the   time   he   reconnects   with   his   family   ,   he   learns   his   father’s   passed   getting   his   remaining   brother   out   safely   .   as   the   years   go   by   ,   his   allies   die   ,   his   enemies   die   ,   he   kills   &   he   kills   &   he   chalks   it   up   to   self   defense   ,   but   it   doesn’t   make   him   feel   any   better   .

he   finds   woodbridge   with   his   youngest   brother   by   fluke   ,   only   convincing   them   of   his   worth   when   he   shows   him   a   nasa   id   he   could   never   bring   himself   to   throw   away   .   since   then   ,   he's   kept   his   head   down   &   done   his   work   ,   doing   whatever's   asked   of   him   &   still   keeping   to   himself   .   he's   a   former   rocket   scientist   &   he's   a   smarty   ,   making   him   quite   adaptable   &   able   to   fix   up   almost   anything   inside   the   walls   .   the   guy   to   go   to   when   something   miscellaneous   needs   tweaking   or   fixing   ,   he   gladly   tunes   things   up   for   no   charge   as   long   as   no   questions   are   asked   .

the   final   straw   ,   this   past   year   –   the   death   of   his   brother   who   left   the   safezone   &   never   returned   .   he   left   a   note   &   all   seamus   knows   is   that   he’s   probably   out   there   dead   somewhere   .   looked   hard   for   a   few   weeks   ,   but   has   all   but   given   up   .   it’s   the   apocalypse   ,   death   is   now   a   common   theme   .

𝓲𝓲𝓲.     𝕕𝕚𝕤𝕡𝕠𝕤𝕚𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟   .

exterior   ,   he's   found   his   spot   as   a   car   mechanic   .   he   used   to   work   on   rockets   ,   cars   are   much   easier   to   work   with   .   on   the   exterior   ,   he's   a   jocular   guy   who's   known   for   making   dry   jokes   at   the   worst   time   .   selfish   ,   in   the   way   that   he   tends   to   look   out   for   himself   only   in   the   madness   .   he's   got   a   reputation   for   having   a   face   that   makes   him   unapproachable   ,   with   anger   lined   in   his   features   that   make   those   not   want   to   bother   him   – but   ,   most   in   the   safezone   know   that   he's   harmless   (   mostly   )   .   a   soft   space   nerd   with   something   smart   to   say   at   any   time   ,   he's   a   loner   ,   but   he's   good   company   if   you   want   someone   to   listen   or   someone   to   bounce   ideas   off   of   .

interior   ,   there's   a   quiet   rage   that's   been   brewing   in   his   blood   for   years   &   he's   waiting   for   it   to   erupt   .   it   might   ,   if   not   for   the   constant   apathy   that   takes   over   his   brain   every   day   he   wakes   up   .   the   guy   to   go   to   when   something   needs   fixing   ,   seamus   can   hide   his   anger   in   death   &   the   world   very   well   .   he   keeps   it   in   ,   forcing   a   well   rehearsed   smile   &   carefully   chosen   expressions   to   mask   his   inner   thoughts   ,   he   wants   relief   but   he   doesn't   know   where   to   find   it   .

midway   ,   skilled   &   experienced   ,   he's   shied   away   from   the   spotlight   most   of   his   life   .   he's   always   been   one   to   keep   his   head   down   ,   not   bother   anyone   unless   bothered   &   he   intends   to   keep   it   that   way   even   in   the   apocalypse   .   he'll   fix   your   watch   ,   your   car   ,   your   fridge   – whatever   you   need   ,   but   he   won't   give   up   his   background   or   tell   you   why   he   keeps   his   nasa   id   in   his   back   pocket   at   all   times   .   quiet   and   silently   intimidating   ,   even   if   he   doesn't   intend   to   come   off   as   that   .

[the-chibi-devil]

The Best Transmigration and Isekai Mangas/Manhwas/Manhuas I’m Reading Right Now

Does anyone care about this list? Probably not, but I’m making it even if it’s only for my reference. So here they are, in no particular order.

* English Title: I’m a Villainous Daughter, so I’m going to keep the Last Boss * Japanese Title: Akuyaku Reijou nanode Last Boss wo Kattemimashita * Mangaka: Nagase Sarasa (story), Anko Yuzu (art) * Summary: “Avoid the BAD END! That's the goal of the villainess in this plot-twisting story!! She has been reborn into the world of an otome game as the villainess, Irene. Using her memories of her former life, she recognizes flags indicating she's en-route to the bad end, so she makes a plan to conquer the last boss (the evil king Claude), make him her lover, and see if she can open up a new route!” (MyAnimeList) * Why I Like This One: Irene is a very fun character! I love her sheer determination in everything she does. Her love interest (Claude) is nothing special imo - classic misunderstood character - but his relationship with Irene is pretty sweet. There are some interesting twists in the plot, too!

* Title: Miss Not-So Sidekick * Creator: Ellianyang * Summary: “Hyejung loved to read to escape her daily stress. But that’s before she woke up inside the bizarre world of her favorite novel! Instead of the main heroine who courts three eligible men, she is now Latte Ectrie – a minor villain that everyone hates?! One way or another, it’s a chance to live out her most beloved storyline, with popcorn in hand to watch all the drama! Taking charge of the narrative takes on a whole new meaning!” (1stKissManga) * Why I Like This One: Latte isn’t actually interested in romance! She would much rather watch how the narrative plays out than take an active role in it. Therefore, she decides to befriend the protagonist. However, just by virtue of being herself, Latte seems to have thrown the narrative off-course! (Not that she realizes that it’s her fault.) The developing relationships are fun to watch. However, this is very much a slow burn. Another fun thing about this manhwa is how Ellianyang throws in all sorts of references to other works such as Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure and Detective Conan!

* English Title: Of Course, I’ll Claim Palimony! * Japanese Title: Mochiron, Isharyou Seikyuu Itashimasu! * Mangaka: Soy (story), Mutou Tamura (story) * Summary: “"I'll annul our engagement!" my fiancé suddenly declared?! Apparently he's in love with the recently transferred count's daughter and is planning on making me the villain in order to annul the engagement. Although I have no lingering attachments about the engagement, I do have to claim a hefty consolation fee, don't I?” (MyAnimeList) * Why I Like This One: “Of Course, I’ll Claim Palimony!” does something very fun in that the otome novel that is being referenced exists within the story. The protagonists are very aware of this and the main heroine is most definitely willing to work within and with the narrative to turn things to her advantage.

* English Title: I Reincarnated into an Otome Game as a Villainess With Only Destruction Flags... * Japanese Title: Otome Game no Hametsu Flag shika Nai Akuyaku Reijou ni Tensei shiteshimatta... * Mangaka: Yamaguchi Satoru (story), Hidaka Nami (Art) * Summary: “ Katarina Claes is the eight-year-old daughter of a duke. One day, she hits her head and recovers the memories of her past life, and she comes a horrifying realization—she is in a world similar to that of an otome game she once played, and she is the main villain! To make matters worse, in every possible conclusion, whether exile or death, she is met with a terrible end. Using her knowledge of how the game unfolds, Katarina must now do whatever it takes to change her fate. Whether she must cultivate  her skills as a farmer or befriend every character that comes her way, nothing is ever too much for her to handle. As the years go on, everything seems to be going as planned. However, Katarina realizes that she made a mistake in her previous life, as she never actually finished the game before death; and so a new, secret route may just prove to be her undoing.” * Why I Like This One: This is the quintessential isekai! Katarina is a stubborn yet naive character. She is doing all she can to change the narrative, but she is always surprised by the results! Still, I like that the creators aren’t shying away from making lovely female characters besides Katarina. There were also some twists that I really wasn’t expecting from a manga like this! An anime adaptation is coming soon.

* English Title: Endo and Kobayashi’s Live Commentary on the Villainess! * Japanese Title: Tsundere Akuyaku Reijou Liselotte to Jikkyou no Endo-kun to Kaisetsu no Kobayashi-san * Mangaka: Enoshima Suzu, Sakakiri * Summary: “She’s always putting on that grumpy face even though she’s not actually that upset! Oh, why can’t she just be honest with herself…!? She is a tsundere, after all? When her embarrassment levels exceed a certain limit, she will explode into anger. However, the point that she’s suppressing under the surface is that she wouldn’t mind that sort of thing if it were in a less public place? As Endo-kun passionately reacts to the antics of Lady Liselotte, the villainess of an otome game, Kobayashi-san provides a painstaking breakdown of her tsundere behaviour. Suddenly, one person could hear their voices; Liselotte’s fiancée, Prince Siegward. That is where this story begins.” (MangaGo) * Why I Like This One: The characters within the narrative, Liselotte and Siegward, actually interest me way less than Endo and Kobayashi. I can’t wait to see how they handle this sudden change in their lives! And it seems that there is someone behind this magic game but the game wasn’t their intention? I’m curious.

* English Title: The Death Mage That Doesn’t Want a Fourth Time * Japanese Title: Yondome wa Iya na Shizokusei Majutsushi * Mangaka: Densuke (story), Kojima Takehiro (Art) * Summary: “Amamiya Hiroto is unlucky. His life consisted of misfortune after misfortune, culminating in an unlucky death during an incident on a school boat trip, trying to save a girl he barely knew. After death, he met a god of reincarnation who requested that the hundred or so dead passengers—one of them being the girl he tried in vain to save—be reincarnated into another world. Yet a series of unfortunate events forced Hiroto to reincarnate with even less luck than before, starting with nothing but a tremendous amount of Mana. His second life, far worse than his first, came to a cruel end. However, upon meeting the god a second time, he was informed that there would be yet another reincarnation—one that had already been set in motion and could not be stopped. Not wanting Hiroto to endure a third life filled with suffering, the god cursed him before he was reborn in the hopes that he would either die quickly or commit suicide. Hiroto was reborn once more as a half-vampire, half-dark elf. A dhampir. Not wanting a fourth life, he is determined to live this third life with the only things remaining from his previous lives—Death Magic and his enormous Mana pool. “ (Light Novel Bastion) * Why I Like This One: Holy crap, those first chapters were dark. This manga is certainly proving that isekai isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Honestly, the real thing that keeps drawing me back is the found family dynamic. I could do without all the fanservice though...

* Title: Cheating Men Must Die * Creator: The King * Summary: “One moment oppressing scum yields a moment of satisfaction. Continuously oppressing scum yields continuous satisfaction. Our female main lead, Su Lüxia is bound to the Female Lead Counterattack System and transmigrates to several small worlds. Using elaborate means, she beats up countless cheating bastards and bitches. Su Lüxia: “Only a cheating bastard's tears of remorse, and the pained moans of a bitch unable to get what she wants bring me solace.” System: “Has my host tapped into her humanity today? Nope.”” (Manga Rock) * Why I Like This One: This manhua is just a long ride of schadenfreude. The story goes in arcs, and there is no doubt that Su Lüxia is going to trample those cheaters, but how she does it is always a surprise! The art is beautiful and the story wildly entertaining. Readers beware, however, as this manhua features themes such as sexual assault, suicide, and abuse.

* English Title: Though I May Be a Villainess, I’ll Show You I Can Obtain Happiness! * Japanese Title: Akuyaku Reijou Desuga, Shiawase ni Natte Mesemasu wa! * Mangakas: Hoshino Osome, Nekomata Doremi, Sorakura SHIJIKI, Yuuki Satoru, Kuroe Yui, Reiga Utsuhou, Yamashiro Umemayuge, Mafuyubi, Oshitsuji Ei, Mizuno Saaya * Summary: "Annuled Engagements, Take That’s, Condemnation Events, Doting, Royals, Reincarnated Heroines, Banishment Endings…it’s fully loaded with all the charms of Villainess’!! A comicalization of 5 popular villainess stories from Shousetsuka ni Narou!! An anthology of 5 oneshots with happy endings!!” (IsekaiScan) * Why I Like This One: This is an anthology and all the stories are very different. My personal favorites are “The Tale of the Noble Girl who will go to a Monastery after her Engagement Annulment,” “Shall We Walk Hand in Hand Down the Flowery Path of Evil?” and “The Villainess Trifles with the Second Prince’s First Love.”

* Title: IRIS - Lady with a Smartphone * Creators: Soo-Wan Yoo (author), Hye-Yi Yoon (artist) * Summary: “ The husband was in love with her cousin and the family was taken away by cigar. The moment I fell into despair and to end my life; the memory of my past life came to my mind.The life of a white-haired worker in Seoul, returning to the past, she decided. “I will not be abandoned by them again. Now I will forsake them!”Ian stare full gazed at Iris’ eyes, “Do you remember what I said the other day? Are you asking for a different fee?”“Yes. I want to get it now.” Iris, was a woman who had nothing. “I did not have a strong parent like other noble princess, nor did I have much money.”“What do you mean by yourself?” Iris blinked. He laughed and said. “Let’s have a relationship with me.” The eldest son of the line, the best of the empire, the best dancer Valencia is the perfect husband. The rope for the revenge makes me crave for more.” (1stKissManga) * Why I Like This One: Iris’ evolution is a delight to watch. The smartphone hasn’t actually played much of a role at this point, but the importance of it’s existence in Iris’ world is slowly being revealed. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the beautiful art and story!

[anon-luv]

I’ll Never Be Her *(FINALE)*

Pairing: Jimin X Reader

Genre: Angst/ Romance

Summary: You loved him with all your heart, but he could only give you half of his.

Jimin was the love of your life, your night in shining armor when she wasn’t around.

She was his ex girlfriend,  his first love, actually she was his many firsts and she kept coming back.

He had warned you she was his weakness, but you didn’t listen, because to you having him even if it was only partially was better than not having him at all.

At least for now.

Rated M: Sexual Scenes and Languages that might not be appropriate for all ages.

Word Count: 5.2K+

Author’s Note:  Hey loves. Sorry for taking so long writing this chapter. I wanted it to feel realistic and not too overwhelming since the whole story was quite an emotional bomb. There is an epilogue coming out which will have a few surprises and let you peek in into Jimin’s and (Y/N)’s life 2 years down the road.  You can choose to stop here or go ahead and wait for the epilogue, it is up to you loves. It will be a short epilogue drabble so it may be up by next weekend. Thank you all for sticking through this!! I know we all divided into Teams for the boys and we all cried and debated over y/n’s life together. I hope you enjoyed this story and I am hoping you will enjoy my future ones. I have so many things going out of hiatus that will continue to be written and some new projects I am working on. My upcoming works so far include(for those curious souls): 

Goodnight Moon (BadGirlGoodBoyAU Jungkook OneShot)

Countdown To Us  Chpt 2 (SoulmateAU) TaexReader, YoongiXReader

Aphrodesia Chpt 1 (Jungkook StripperAU)Untitled (Jin BestFriendAU One Shot)

New (SEQUEL to Borrowed) Yoongi X Reader

I want to thank all my readers and mutuals for their support.

Specially @b-angst-tan who has been a lovely editor/ beta love her!!

I also want to thank @msserenityli for helping me choose the twins names lol. That took me forever and a day.

It took me forever to get the courage to post this, so I really hope you enjoy. Show me some love. I really enjoy reading your comments, messages, and tags when you reblog. LOVE YALL!

You were more than sure there was a knife piercing through your lower abdomen as you yelled obscenities up in the air for the world to hear.

Magical. That was what the birthing coach had repeated countless times as Jimin held your hand as you practiced breathing techniques in that vomit-green mat.

LIES! They had all been lies. The feelings, the breathing techniques, and the way Jimin had held your hand while whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

“I FUCKING HATE THAT MOTHER FUCKING SON OF A BITCH AND HIS FREAKING SPERM. CURSE HIM TO HELL!!!!” you yelled as Jin’s car came to a complete stop in front of the hospital driveway.

“I think you need to relax and breathe, remember like Ms.Hope made you do in those classes you took,” Jin said with a grimace as he jumped out of the car to help you out.

You glared at him through the window as he rushed his way into the building only to come out running with a wheelchair in tow, “You mean the ones you forced me to take??”

“Hey, I didn’t tie you down and take you against your will, I just signed you up and paid without asking you first” Jin opened the door carefully helping you up and placing you on the chair. A nurse came out after him to escort both of you into the lobby where a few other ladies grimaced your way as they patted their stomach while they panted almost in a synchronized fashion.

“We just need some information sweetie, think your partner here can take care of that while we wheel you to the back to start our assessment??” the older looking nurse asked as she took over the wheelchair.

“We are not together together, but sure. Don’t worry about it (Y/n), I got this.” Jin replied as another wave of contractions hit you full force.

“Ahhh ….okay...okay” you shouted as you were rolled into a light blue hallway, Jin no longer by your side.

You took deep even breaths trying to relax your tensed up muscles. Your birthing plan had not included a solo labor, but unless Jimin had some sort of superhero intuition you would have to adapt and conquer the situation.

“Okay hun, let’s get you in a gown before anything. How far apart are your contractions??” she asked as she assisted you on your swollen tomato red looking feet.

“Umm…. I would have to say between. Every 6 to 8 minutes and about 30 seconds each… I think-” you replied slightly stuttering as the weight of the situation started falling upon your shoulders, you were about to become a mom. Your eyes widened with a mixture of excitement and fear.

The nurse smiled softly in your direction, “Don’t worry about it. You got this, you are a strong one I can tell” she said winking your way.

You nodded at her silently as she started making her way out of the room.

“Go ahead and rest. The doctor should be in at any second” she said closing the door behind her.

You made yourself right at home laying on the strange and slightly hard medical bed. The monitors in the room were scattered around the place making the place feel a tiny bit intimidating. The 40 inch TV on the wall seemed oddly comforting and homey and you would be more than delighted if you could only figure out how to turn it on without falling on your face as a weird plan started flowing through your mind of standing on a chair and jump to reach the power button. The plus and minus button on the white control on your bed seemed to be the solution as you examined it closely, scared it would send one of the monitors into a frenzy you clicked it cautiously as if the slow touch would lessen the trigger of whatever was about to happen.

“I hope to the heavens this doesn't set off an alarm” you whispered to yourself as you made your mind up to click the plus sign. As soon as you pressed the red button the bed vibrated and roared to life as your feet rose up in a surprisingly high speed tilting your feet up towards the air whilst your hospital gown scooted upwards leaving all your lady bits uncovered.

With your luck, it shouldn’t have come to your surprise to hear the door slam open right on time to witness your a la nude display, a deep low chuckle flowed through the air, “I see you are anxious to get them treasures out huh??”

“Oh shit, I mean I am sorry for cussing … I just… sorry Doctor Kim” you stammered out trying to cover your blushing cheeks with your hands.

“Don’t worry about it, darling. I heard you cussing down the hall, as long as those bad words are not thrown my way we are all peachy in here, now let’s get them feet back in place huh??” he replied with a chuckle as he pressed a button on the side of the bed leveling you out back in place and raising the headrest a tiny bit making everything more comfortable.

You eyed the handsome doctor from top to bottom taking in the contrast of his serious demeanor versus his kind words. As if he knew he was carefully examined he threw a rectangular smile your way quickly lifting up the tension in the room.

“These beds can be tricky, and quite amusing if you are in the right mood.” He said as he slipped on some gloves, “Now let’s take a look and see how far along you are. Open your legs slightly for me… this might feel slightly uncomfortable. Do you blush quite this often on a daily basis??”

Your blush depend as you managed to shake your head no as you felt a cold sensation making you jump slightly in place.

The door opened once again at that exact moment, Jimin’s head poking in looking flushed and slightly out of breath, “Sorry am I late??? I came here as fast as I could manage with the after-school traffic” he said as his eyes wandered around the room taking in the dull colors on the walls and weird medical jargon scribbled across random anatomy posters, then landing straight on the sight of Doctor Kim with his hand right up your gown.

Jimin coughed awkwardly, trying to remind himself he was in a professional setting and that he had to get his mind out of an endless pit of the gutter it had landed on as his instinctive self-had placed almost automatically as he came to the realization of how handsome Dr.Kim truly was.

“Actually, you are right on time to assist on labor pains. She is dilated at a 6 and currently on active labor" Dr. Kim explained as he stood up taking both of his gloves off as he walked towards Jimin, “Now it is expected of the father to assist the mother of his children through this enchanting life changing yet painful journey through comfort during these times, but if you give her any trouble I will personally kick your ass out of here, and it will no longer be Doctor Kim in the room, but Kim Taehyung just an FYI buddy” Dr. Kim stated as he gave him an innocent broad rectangular smile his way and a wink your way.

“Epidural??” Dr. Kim asked as if the previous conversation hadn't happened a few seconds ago.

You nodded, “I think I am going to….Ahhh,” you said being cut off by another rush of contractions.

“Got it… the anesthesiologist will be right in” Dr. Kim stated as he walked out of the room leaving you alone with a disheveled looking Jimin.

You frowned his way trying to ignore his presence yet failing. You were clearly mad and frustrated at him and he knew it.

“(Y/N), I am sorry… I  had to go” Jimin began to explain as he approached your bedside. His voice barely above a whisper and trembling at the end. You knew he was on the verge of tears, but at this point, you could care any less as another yelp came from your lips from the stabbing sensation on the back of your spine. You breathed in deeply trying to ease the painful sensation that had traveled upwards making your whole body squirm uncomfortably.

“You … didn’t have to go Jimin. No one was holding a gun to your head. You went because you wanted to, you needed to be there for Stephany, even if it meant leaving me behind AGAIN” you said as the pain that flowed through your eyes switched to rage as you eyed him from head to toes.

“No no, that is not at all what it is. It has never been Stephany (Y/n). I went to say goodbye. Yoongi called me, and he told me he was planning to propose a change of scenery to Steph and I knew I had to say goodbye, not to Stephany so much as I had to go say bye to Nataly. That little girl is like a niece to me and she reminds me so much of the bright and cheerful Stephany I had once called my best friend. She has so much light in her and I… that little girl is like a piece of Stephany I thought had been lost and I am so scared that she will get hurt just like her mama did. I have been there for her just as much as I have been there for her mom, and I know the whole situation Stephany is putting Yoongi and Nataly through is completely unfair to the both of them. I should have been there for you… I am sorry” Jimin replied as he buried his face in his hands, “I am so sorry, and I know that won’t change a thing but-”

“AHH!” you screamed as your uterus roared to life once again making every other issue in the world seem minute to the immense pain now bursting through you.

Jimin ran towards you grabbing a hold of your hand immediately, “Breath (Y/N), Breath…”

“Easy for you to say you son of a bi...AH!!!!” you replied earning you a grimace from Jimin’s whose hand looked redder than a tomato as you held on to it as your life depended on it.

Sweat was now dripping down your forehead as Jimin ran his fingers through your hair and counted breaths easing you out of the contraction.

“That felt like it was a lot longer than the last one,” you said as you adjusted yourself. The previous discussion left behind as the reality came once again crashing full force in your face, “Jimin… I am scared” you admitted in a quiet sob as he scooted himself into the bed beside to you.

“It is okay to be scared love. If you weren’t I would be scared. Our lives are about to change in a manner of hours...maybe even minutes. You and I have not had the greatest of relationships in the world, and I took you for granted for so long… I can’t even fathom to ever forgive myself, but I can tell you right now that I am going cherish every single second of the day beside our little angels tenfold. You are my family (y/n), and if you can give me another chance to prove it to you...I would give my world up for you. I know today was not the greatest of examples, and once again I shouldn’t have been scared to let you know what was going on. You are more than just my girlfriend, you are my partner in crime and I should treat you as such. I LOVE YOU! I will love you always and forever...even if you choose not to be with me anymore” Jimin said as tears slowly traveled down his reddened cheeks.

You took a deep breath swallowing the words he had spilled as a sweet hot chocolate on a cold winter’s night. The tension that had been sown into your aching muscles relaxing almost into nothingness, but before you could utter a word another contraction pushed through the surface once again throwing you into fits of rage.

“JIIIMIIIIN!!!!” you yelled painfully as he bravely took both your hand in his.

“Breathe (y/n). Close your eyes and imagine little hands and feet, and the smell of baby shampoo, the pain is worth it …. The pain will be less and less” Jimin tried to soothingly whisper in your ear.

“BULLSHIIT!!! This pain will not goo AHHHWAY!” you said almost ripping his hands off as you grasped onto them tighter, the pain increased to a level it hadn’t before knocking your breath out of the continuous rhythm it had settled into before making you slightly dizzy and nauseated.

Doctor Kim came in with a smile on his face, “Well won’t you look at that monitor, we are definitely close, and the anesthesiologist is barely on his way! Let me check you once again because your contractions have definitely increased in duration… If you excuse me”

Jimin nodded looking at the doctor wide-eyed as he assessed you once again as the cold sensation of the gloved made you wiggle with the alien sensation.

“Well...we can’t wait much longer you are at a 9 now. That was quick…” Doctor Kim said talking more to himself than anyone else in the room.

The door opened as Jin walked in looking at the floor lost in thought, “I swear they have way too much paperwork….. Like how many times did I have to print your name?? Don’t they have those sticker name labels or something??” he complained as he plopped himself on the nearby couch finally looking up to inspect his surroundings. Jin smiled at the doctor and then looked at Jimin with relief clearly radiating off him.

“You made it!!” Jin screamed enthusiastically. I frowned his way as I put two and two together, but right before I could question him….

“AHH!!!! MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!! THIS HAS GOT TO STOP HURTING SO MUCH!! WHERE IS THE FREAKING EPIDURAL COMING BRIGHT AND SHINY DOCTOR!!!??? WIPE THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE!!!” you screamed not really paying attention to anything you were saying, “NEVERMIND NEVERMIND DONT DONT STOP SMILING!!! IT IS PRETTY!!!! YOU ARE PRETTY! FUCK JIN YOU CALLED JIMIN AFTER WE FUCKING KISSED!!!”

“You kissed??” Jimin asked completely shocked sending a death glare towards Jin.

“I smell drama” Doctor Kim said winking at both their ways.

“She was confused Jimin… she could only think of the worst possible scenario at that point, and I mean it wasn’t even that long of a kiss cause her water broke….and wait doctor shouldn’t you be doing something?? You wink too much” Jin said defending himself as your screams only got louder.

“You do wink too much...Look I don’t care about the kiss. All I know is that I am glad you were there when I wasn’t. Jin you deserve…” Jimin said to Jin almost completely blurring your loud pants only to be cut off when you screamed once again.

“JIMIN MAKE IT AHHH!” you said as the pain started to subside once again.

“Okay, well the epidural won’t do much at this point. We are going to go ahead and prep her for delivery. Are you ready to start pushing??” Dr. Kim asked as he started to make his way out the door.

“I don’t…” you stuttered.

“PERFECT! What about you Daddy??” Dr. Kim said genuinely smiling at Jimin for once.

Jimin looked your way as his face brightened as fresh tears traveled down his cheeks, “More than ever”

Jin grimaced as he stood up from the couch, “This is my queue to walk out of here before my face hits the floor. I fainted when they showed us the birthing video in class, I can only imagine what a live one will do… I will go wait at the waiting room with Nat and Yoongi”

You turned towards Jimin questioningly, “Wait… why is Yoongi here?? Is Steph okay??”

Jimin placed a finger on your lips, “Shhhh…. I will explain later. Steph is no longer my problem. This is a moment for you and me only. Everyone else is a speck of dirt in this infinity galaxy that is us, now are you ready?”

“More than ever” you replied as Jimin kissed your forehead. For a second a smile adorned your face...For a second until another contraction made its way.

2 pairs of eyes, 40 baby toes, 2 pairs of chubby little feet, a full set of hair, one head a little on the bald side with very light thin hair, and 2 cries that sent your world into a spiral of happiness.

Roilan was born at 20:17 with a full cry that rattled throughout the hallway, a future opera singer was what Dr. Kim said as soon as he burst into baby cries.

Leilani was born at 20:25 a lot more stubborn to let the world know she had made an appearance. It took a bit of coaxing to get her to cry, but as soon as Doctor Kim assured her health seemed to be at 100%  she was back asleep almost automatically.

There was something incredibly magical of watching Jimin cradle both babies as he sang soft sweet lullabies as their little hands wrapped around his fingers.

“They are beautiful” Jimin whispered to himself as tears threaten to spill down my face.

“To be honest they look like little old people, a little swollen and wrinkly but nonetheless beautiful” a deep voice called out from the door, “It happens with all newborns, so don’t worry in about a few hours the swelling goes down and they look a hella lot cuter”

“Yoongi??” you asked out loud confused as he entered the door with a very excited Nataly in his arms. As soon as he placed her down on the floor she came running towards you with an excited and curious glint in her eyes.

“Aunty (Y/N), did you already have your parasites??” she asked clapping her hands in delight.

You raised your eyebrows confused, “What Natty??”

“Yeah, my dad was talking about how babies eat out of the mommies like parasites” she explained nodding her head in full understanding.

“Well … umm... That is strangely correct, but it doesn’t sound too nice to call them parasites, but we can call them Leilani and Roiland.” you replied as you patted the unruly golden hair on her head.

“Leili and Roy!!” she scram now running towards Jimin who quickly smiled her way as she kissed both heads and started talking to babies as if they could understand her perfectly, both pairs of eyes trying to focus on her for now blurry figure as they tried to suck on their hands.

You turned to look at a smiling Yoongi, “Parasites??” you questioned him with an eyebrow raised.

“You tell me how I was supposed to explain it to a little girl. She asked why every 4 words… Anyway, congratulations love!” he said engulfing you in a hug which you returned automatically.

You looked behind him expecting to see Stephany walking in at any second. Yoongi’s eyes traveled to your line of sight, “No, she is not here, and she won’t be around for a while”

“But you and Nataly?” you asked concern written along the creases in your forehead.

Yoongi just shook his head, “Steph thought it would be best to let us go, at least until she is better, but at this point… I am not sure if she is coming back”

You nodded now understand as to why Jimin had run away from your side earlier today. You turned to look at Jimin and Natalie as they simultaneously sang ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ to the once again sleeping twins.

“I am sorry Yoongi I wish…” you replied only to be cut off by his hand interlacing with yours.

“No. There is nothing any of us could’ve done to help her. We tried. We all did. Jimin sacrificed so much and at the end of the day, she always fell back to old habits. I had a lot of people tell me she had to hit rock bottom to actually try and help herself out of this, and maybe she finally did. All I need is that little girl by my side to keep me going. She deserves a whole lot more than I have been able to give her in her short life, and I am going to make sure I fulfill my duty as her father and best friend. My focus will be on her. She needs me, and if Stephanie ever decides to come back... Well, that would be nice, but I am done waiting” Yoongi said confidently, “Now I am sorry to interrupt your moment, but Nataly and I just came by to say goodnight. It is late and time for her bedtime. Jin wanted us to wait a little longer, but Nataly wanted to see the babies before she fell asleep.”

Nataly kissed Jimin and the twins goodnight and then jumped on the bed to kiss your forehead and engulf you in a hug with her tiny little arms, “Love you, Auntie”

“Love you too princess. Be good with your Dad” you replied as you watched her jump into Yoongi’s arms as a gummy smile appeared on his face.

She smiled back at you, “Always”

Jin came in an hour later with 2 giant bears. One pink with a giant tutu, and one blue with a baseball bat. He tiptoed into the room afraid to wake up the twins as they both slept on their baby hospital beds.

“You know Jin you can just walk normally in here,” you said to encourage him to walk quickly to your bedside. Jimin had fallen asleep in the recliner as if he had been the one who had just given birth and pushed out two little humans through his privates. Soft snores spilled from Jimin’s plump lips as Jin peeked in to see the twins.

“They are so cute and tiny” Jin squeaked out in a quiet yet excited tone.

“Yep yep. I make cute babies..what can I say” you replied winking his way.

Jin placed the bears on the side table and then sat on the edge of your bed, “Winking might just be contagious, you are not allowed to hang out with that doctor anymore (y/n). I am glad everything went okay.” his eyes traveled to a sleeping Jimin, “and I am glad you are happy”

You nodded as you reached over to take his hand, “I am… and I am sorry.”

“Wait, what are you sorry for??” Jin asked quietly tilting his head to the side making his manly features look like those of a lost puppy.

You sighed scared to speak the words out loud, as if by not saying them everyone can go about like it had never happened, “The kiss” you stuttered, “I am sorry it took me so long to realize how you felt, and I am really sorry…”

“You don’t have to say it” Jin cut you off looking towards Jimin, “I know…”

“But you don’t. If things between Jimin and I weren’t so complicated. If I had the strength to just let go….it would be you” you said as silent tears traveled down your cheek.

Jin scooted his way closer to you and grasped your face with his hands delicately as if you were made out of this world’s finest crystals, “(Y/N), that is the thing… I am not what you want. You and I are best friends no matter what, through thick and thin. Maybe I should’ve told you how I truly felt, but I knew that with what was going on between you and Jimin it would be taking advantage of the situation and I didn’t want that. I wanted you. I want you.”

You shook your head, “Jin you deserve so much more than me. You need to be someone's number one, just like you told me so many times. You are gold Jin”

“You are gold” Jin replied instantly, “I think I need to go ahead and go home for the night. I will go by your apartment and make sure the doors are locked”

“Thank you Jin,” you said unsure of what you should really say.

Jin nodded and turned to face the door walking almost reluctantly out the door.

“Wait, Jin!” you yelled unconsciously.

Jin turned to face you puzzled at your sudden outburst.

You slowly sat up from the bed and wiggled up on your feet slowly marching up to him, not quite sure about what you were doing at this point.

As you stood right in front of him you tippy-toed and laced your arms around his neck and rested your head on his chest, “I love you Jin. I love you so so so much, and I wish I could be in love with you too, but I am in love with Jimin and it would be highly unfair to you.”  You separated yourself from his chest and peered up into his eyes, “Best Friends??”

Jin leaned in and placed a soft kiss in your forehead, “Best Friends until a Zombie Apocalypse falls upon us and I get bitten, then I can make no promises I will want to eat your brains… of course if it makes you feel any better I would choose your brains over any others”

“You are so weird” you chuckled as you let him go.

The soft cries of Leilani shook you both back to reality, “I am thinking she might be hungry, she has only woken up to eat so far”

“Time to go then,” Jin said waving a small bye as he stepped away.

As soon as Jin was out of sight you heard some movement from the corner of the room “She is more than likely hungry”  Jimin’s voice surprised you as you scooped her tiny body up in your arms.

“I think so too. She is a sleepy head” you sat on the bed and latched her onto your breast which she quickly took as her little hand went into a tight fist.

Jimin walked towards Roilan who was still quietly sleeping, “I still can’t seem to believe they are already here”

“Yeah me either,” you said smiling.

“(Y/N), I heard what happened with Jin, and I am sorry for everything I put you through, but is it true?? Are you still in love with me”

You nodded right away, “I have no doubt I am, but to be honest I am not sure what I want to do right now. I need to focus on the babies and every time I let you in we fall back into the same routine. We can give this another go, but we would have to start from the beginning once again you just have to give me some time to adjust to everything.”

“You can have all the time you want” Jimin replied as a bright smile appeared on his face, “This is like the best day ever”

“Calm down there. When I mean from the beginning I mean literally dates and all” you replied, “Nothing too serious or dramatic until I feel comfortable”

Jimin nodded, “I will take anything I can get, but will it be too much to ask for a kiss??��

A deep voice broke through the room catching you and Jimin by surprise, “Did you not hear the lady?? She said to CHILL! Anyway congratulations on your bundles of joy, how are you feeling??” a civilian dressed Doctor Kim Taehyung asked as he approached you with a small gift bag, “This is for your minions and this is for you” he replied handing you 4 large sunflowers that shined as bright as him. A small card rested upon the petals which you quickly opened curiously. A blue inked phone number was scribbled across with a smiley face.

“That is my personal number in case you ever need anything… and now that you are dating… casually...” Taehyung replied winking playfully your way.

You chuckled at his joking demeanor while Jimin’s sudden change of mood was written all over his frowning face.

“Anyway I have to go sleep, the bed is calling to me. Goodnight!” Doctor Kim said walking away without giving Jimin another glance.

“Goodnight Doctor Kim” you replied earning you a cheeky smile from the clearly amused doctor.

“You can call me Tae,” he said as he skipped his way out the door.

“I don’t like him,” Jimin said sitting next to you in the bed.

You rolled your eyes at his pout and then leaned in quickly to kiss him catching by surprise.

“But I like you...scratch that I love you. I am so in love with you” Jimin rambled on and on until you once again leaned in to capture his plump pink lips. You knew you had told Jimin you wanted to take things slow and at your own pace, but you had a feeling that wouldn’t last too long with all these boundaries you were trying to set between the both of you. You were so head over heels in love with him, and you could finally confidently say he felt the same.  At that very moment, everything felt perfect, and then not only one cry but two cries erupted loudly through the room forcing both of you to separate from the passion filled kiss.

“Welcome to parenthood” Jimin whispered happily.

“That smile won’t be there for long, especially at 3 in the morning Jimin” you replied as you traded babies now latching Roilan on, “Leilani requires a burping session and then diaper change”

“Yes Ma’am” he replied in an over exaggerated deep voice as he saluted.

Hey loves. Sorry for taking so long writing this chapter. I wanted it to feel realistic and not too overwhelming since the whole story was quite an emotional bomb. There is an epilogue coming out which will have a few surprises and let you peek in into Jimin’s and (Y/N)’s life 2 years down the road. Some stuff will not be pink and fluffy, and there is like I said a little twist in the story which to be honest I am still debating myself about. You can choose to stop here or go ahead and wait for the epilogue, it is up to you loves. It will be a short epilogue drabble so it may be up by next weekend.

Thank you all for sticking through this!! I know we all divided into Teams for the boys and we all cried and debated over y/n life together. I hope you enjoyed this story and I am hoping you will enjoy my future ones. I have so many things going out of hiatus and will continue to be written.

My upcoming works(for those curious souls):

Goodnight Moon (BadGirlGoodBoyAU Jungkook OneShot)

Countdown To Us  Chpt 2 (SoulmateAU) TaexReader , YoongiXReader

Aphrodesia Chpt 1 (Jungkook StripperAU)

Untitled (Jin BestFriendAU One Shot)

[gotbts7fics]

Positive | ONE |

One | February 2017 | Two |

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” You mumbled as you stared at the two little lines on the stick. The test was just confirmation on what you suspected for the last few weeks. The nausea, sensitive boobs, and the lack of period was the final straw that forced you to pee on the stick, now sitting in your hand. This was deja vu from 8 years ago when you found out you were pregnant at eighteen. Grabbing the phone, you quickly made a call to your best friend who was sure to not appreciate the time difference right now, but frankly, you didn’t care. This was an emergency!

“Pick up, pick up, oh my fucking good pick up the fucking phone!!” yelling into the mouth piece willing the call to be answered.

“Jesus fucking christ” A sleepy voice said on the other end. “You realize its two in the morning here right? Did you forget Ontario is fourteen hours behind you?”

“Bree, I’m pregnant” You were met by silence from the other end of the phone.

“I’m sorry what?”

“I’m pregnant….”

”HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! How did this happen?”

“Really? You need to know how this happened? I swallowed a watermelon seed….. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK THIS HAPPENED?” screeching as you buried your head in your hands.

The line went silent for another minute.

“What are you going to do?” Bree asked.

“I honestly don’t know.”

It had been forty eight hours since your phone call home. Forty eight hours since your world went into complete and utter chaos. Moving to South Korean just over 3 years ago at the age of 24, with a then 5year old, left everyone thinking you were crazy. Fresh out of university and after a painful breakup, moving not across the country but over an ocean, with a little human to heal your broken heart. You had quickly settled into your new home, and job, Jaidyn doing the same with school. She adapted very well and made friends within the first day. Everything had fallen into place, which is why when you met a young man who flashed you a devilish smile after literally running smack dab into his chest at a coffee shop, you didn’t hesitate to say yes to a coffee date. His name was Jaebum, he spoke broken English, liked cats and you two shared the same birthday. The only difference was he was four years younger than you, which he promised was not an issue, language barrier and all, considering your Korean really was just memorized lines from dramas. Reeling from the heart ache you had been inflicted with, you figured having a bit of fun was just what you deserved. A coffee date turned to a dinner date, dinner date turned into 5 dinner dates, which turned into lazy nights at home hanging out with the two of you and your daughter. He was wonderful, charming and handsome, a complete package. Then you learned he wasn’t as simple as you first thought. He finally told you he was in the entertainment business and that left him busy a lot of the time as his career took off. Still he always made you feel loved and always followed through with promises he made. He made his career first priority, yet he never made you feel second to it, even as he grew in popularity. You loved him so much, you would do anything for him and you strove to make your relationship work. As the years passed, you had learned to accept the challenges of dating in secret with him. Everything was just easy with him, you understood how busy he was and he likewise understood cancelled dates last minute because you had a child. The relationship you two shared was incredibly simple and easy, making it work the best you could. Now you weren’t so sure. Jaebum was touring with his music group in Japan and here you were staring at a pregnancy test. You were going over every night of passion you had with him, tangled in the sheets with sweaty bodies pressed together, in your head. You were on birth control, you used condoms, you did everything to protect yourself and not ruin his career with an accidental pregnancy. Yet here you are, just celebrated your 27th birthday, a 7 year old and 23 year old mega star idol boyfriend whose career was about to be over because of you. You felt more lost than when you found out you were pregnant at 18 with your high school sweetheart who decided cheating was okay, broke your heart and left. More devastated than when your relationship with your last boyfriend ended because after two years he decided he didn’t want the responsibility that came with your child anymore. You honestly didn’t know what to do. Did you simply just terminate the pregnancy, did you tell him and still terminate, was there even a small chance you could keep the pregnancy. No, no there wasn’t. This would ruin his career. A career he shared with six other hard working men who didn’t deserve this scandal. You wanted to cry, you really wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, but your daughter was due home any minute and being it Friday night, it was mommy daughter date night. There was no time to cry.

Seventy two hours after that phone call found you on your couch, sobbing into your friends arms. For some reason she thought the most logical thing for her to do was jump on a plane, travel thirteen plus hours and bust through your door. Jaidyn conveniently was at a sleep over with her friend Soohyuk. So you had the next 16 hours to ball your eyes out until she came home. It was during a moment of silent tears, with the TV on some variety show in the background, cold pizza in front of you, that you decided,

“I’m not going to tell him” You confessed, tears streaming down your face while you desperately tried to console your broken heart.

“You have to tell him” Bree insisted, a concerned look on her face.

“No, I don't” you deadpanned.

“What are you going to do? Not tell him, and hope he doesn’t notice how fat you’re getting? Cause I saw pictures of you with Jaidyn, you’re going to look like you swallowed a beach ball” Bree said rolling her eyes, shoving a slice of pizza into her mouth.

“I’m not telling him, I am going to break up with him” It was a strong statement. One you said with such conviction that Bree looked at you quizzically.

“Y/N, even if you break up with him, he’s going to find out. You have mutual friends. You can’t hide a pregnancy. What do you plan to do? Just disappear, run home to Canada?” It was comical, because in that moment Bree snapped her head towards you, realization etched on her face, as the light bulb went off.

“No y/n…. NO! You can’t do that to him! Hell, you can’t even do that to yourself” You looked at her through wet, red eyes.

“I honestly don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong in this situation. I love him, Bree. I love him so fucking much it hurts. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love again after Matt, but I did. And it hurts, it hurts so much. I don’t want to wreck his career. I can’t, no I won’t do that to him. But this baby, this is my baby. I can’t not have my baby. It was such an easy decision to keep Jai. I didn’t even think twice. And here I am, actually thinking twice. I’m a terrible mother. I don’t deserve my babies.” You felt terrible, so you started sobbing again, because quite frankly it was all you were currently good at.

“Babe, don’t think like that” Bree said as she put her pizza down and wrapped her arms around you.

“Whatever you want to do, I support you. You’re a fantastic mother. Look at how happy my niece is. You’ve sacrificed so much for her. You’ve gone to college and university. You’ve worked and dealt with her dick head of a biological father. You refused to give up when you and Matt didn’t work out. Honey, you’re the best damn mother and friend I know. You love with your whole heart and deserve the world. I know you love Jaebum more than you can explain. I think he will understand. It’s been three years with him. If after three years he shuts you down, this baby down, then he doesn’t deserve you one bit.” She breathed her words into your hair. She wanted you to calm down and think rationally while you figured this out.

“That’s the problem Bree, I think he will throw his career away for this baby. I can’t let him do that. He loves Jaidyn so much already. He does everything with her. He refers to her as his own. Imagine if he actually has a baby. He’s worked to hard. It will ruin him. I can’t ruin him.” You sobbed. The whole in your heart growing with each word you said. The feeling of the most beautiful relationship in your life ending because of the love you have. It was ironic, ending a relationship because you loved someone.

“Okay, look. Let’s get some sleep. We can talk about this tomorrow, or next tuesday. I am staying here for a few weeks. We can figure this out. I love you eh.” She said pulling you up to your feet and leading you to bed.

“Thanks, I love you too” You replied, tears finally stopping for the night. It was like you were in university all over again. Having her stay with you because you were heart broken and couldn’t stand to be alone. Only this time it hurt so much more.

“How did you even manage it?” Bree asks as she eats cereal the next morning.

“Like, he’s so famous. How do fans not know you’re dating… let alone been dating for three years. I don’t understand” You looked at her with your spoon hanging out of your mouth.

“Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m foreign. The fans think I am just a foreign friend with a kid. It’s not like we make out in public. And Jai is always around. Not to mention other members are with us in public. I probably don’t seem like someone he would be with.” you said going in for another bite. Now that you thought of it, it was true. No one really questioned your relationship with Jaebum. Which, considering how popular GOT7 had gotten, someone should have taken notice. You were consumed by your thoughts when, fuck, you thought. Rushing out of your chair and running to the toilet. Whatever cereal you had consumed was now staring you back in the face from the inside of the porcelain thrown. This was getting ridiculous.

“I hate pregnancy” You said out loud

“No you don’t, you always said you missed it. You just hate the gross parts of it. Puking, constipation, weird hair growing in weird places” Bree appeared, leaning against the door frame of the bathroom, cereal bowl in hand.

“I just threw up, and you’re eating breakfast still?” You asked sitting cross legged and leaning against the wall.

“You’re joking right, like you’re aware I am a cop. This….” she gestured towards you and the toilet with her spoon “This is child’s play bitch.” You couldn’t help but laugh. She was right, she had seen and smelled worse, this was nothing to her.

Later that afternoon, as you waited for your daughter to come home, you finally checked your phone after god knows how long. Bree arriving had kept you so busy you didn’t even touch it, instead balling your eyes out to your best friend who flew half way around the world for you.

[4:34pm] Jaebum <3: Hey babe, I miss you. I hope my girls are doing well. 5 more days until I can hug you!!!! [6:45pm] Jaebum <3: Rude, not even a msg back, fine… I’m going to buy Jai a phone. At least she will tell me how much she misses me. [11:42pm] Jaebum <3: Love you baby, have a good night.

It didn’t matter if you didn’t reply, he knew you loved him. You had always sucked at texting anyways, so your silence didn’t even give him an inkling that something was wrong.

[9:02am] You: I love you Jaebum, forever and always, please remember that. I miss you. 

It physically hurt you to send him that message. You loved him so much, but you knew your time was slowly running out.

“So, when does Jaebum get back to Seoul” Bree asked while you were cooking dinner on the Monday night after she had arrived. She was sitting at the kitchen table with Jaidyn, helping her with her homework.

“Wednesday? Yeah, I think on Wednesday.” You replied as you stirred the pasta sauce.

“JB Appa comes home tomorrow maman, he told me he comes home on Tuesday.” Jaidyn piped up, looking from her homework towards the two older women.

“You forgot didn’t you… well he comes home tomorrow!! That means Aunty Bree can finally meet him, and BAMBAM. You’ll love BAMBAM Aunty Bree. He is SOOOOOO funny” She said, going back to her math homework.

“Why is this math so hard” Bree mumbled as she looked at the problem the second grader was doing.

“Just be thankful she goes to the french international school, and not the Korean school I work at” You laughed, math was the enemy for both of you. Math in french was still manageable, math in Korean not so much.

You and Bree looked at each other and laughed, barely hearing the knock at the door, until it was done more forcefully. Abandoning the sauce you made your way to open the door. The next second found you wrapped in the arms of a handsome man, lips attached to yours, as he carried you back into the apartment and shutting the door with a swift kick of his foot.

“Hi” He said finally detaching his lips, looking at you.

“Um, wow.. Hi” You said looking up into his eyes. You loved his eyes. They were your favourite part of his appearance. The two little moles above his left eye always captivated you. Would this baby have his eyes. Shit, you thought slightly wincing as your stomach did a summer sault.

“Surprise, I missed you. You’ve been so busy, I haven’t heard much from you these past few weeks.” Jaebum said hugging you once more.

“I’m making pasta, are you hungry?” you asked, your mind going this way and that. You were not ready to face him. You had to keep calm, but the nausea was bubbling to spill over and force you to empty the nonexistent contents of your stomach.

“JB Appa!!!!! You’re home early!!!!!!!!” Jaidyn screeched, running full force towards the arms of the man in front of you.

“Oh how I’ve missed you! Were you good for your maman while I was gone?” He murmured into her hair as he hugged her tightly.

“Always” she smiled, hugging him back just as tightly.

“good…. oh hello” Jaebum looked up and saw Bree standing in the door frame of the kitchen. He sent you a look as if asking who this was. None of your friends had ever visited you in Korea, and he had met all of your Korean friends. His poor mind was trying to figure out who this was.

“Ahhhh… this is Bree.. My friend from university. She came for a surprise visit. She showed up on Friday.” Explaining why this seemingly random person was in your apartment.

“Hello, it’s nice to meet you. Y/N has been bragging about you for a while now.” She said with a smile, holding out her hand. He shook it and gave her a polite nod.

“Okay lets have dinner” You looked at Bree, Jaebum put one hand on the small of your back and led you to the kitchen. Your seven year old still in his other arm, sitting on his hip. You shook your head. You always said she was too old to be picked up anymore, he always argued that he would continue to pick her up until she was taller than him. He’d been like that from the beginning, he loved to carry her when she was young. When he was away for more than a week he always seemed to carry her more upon returning. He had explained it was because he felt guilty for leaving her. He wanted her to know how much he loved her, from the moment you told him about her he stepped into this loving father role, it had melted your heart to see her loved so unconditionally.

Once everyone was back in the kitchen, Jaidyn cleared her homework and set the table. While everyone talked, small chit chat about school, work, Canada and his travels. You couldn’t help how proud you felt with how far his English had come. Although your Korean was much stronger than his English, he still was able to communicate with your friend openly. While you tried to pay attention, you were ultimately consumed by thoughts of this pregnancy. This secret pregnancy that was threatening to be exposed because the need to vomit up garlic bread was looming over you.

“Hey, are you okay?” Jaebum asked, noticing your less than normal commentary.

“Eh?… oh yeah. I’m okay. Sorry love, I just don’t feel very well.”

“Do you want to go to the doctor? Do you need me to get you some medicine?”He rose from his chair and heading towards the medicine cupboard.

“No, I’ll be okay. I just need to sleep. Are you staying tonight?” You asked, a little more hopeful that he wouldn’t.

“No, I’ll let you have time with Bree. Let me do the dishes and put Jaidyn to bed. Then I will tuck you in too. You girls can have a nice relaxing night.” He said with a smile. You controlled your expression, all you wanted to do was cry and fling yourself into his arms. Instead you smiled as you rose from your chair, kissing his cheek and made your way to the bathroom. You needed to splash cool water on your face.

A few hours later as you lay beside Bree, the emotions of the situation hit you again. You tried to silently cry yourself to sleep.

“Lets go to the doctor this week, k… We need to figure out how far you are.” Bree said with a sleepy voice. She didn’t open her eyes, but she threw her arm over you.

“Okay” You sniffled. You were running out of time and were feeling suffocated.

The ultrasound scan held in your hands confirmed you were roughly eight weeks pregnant, which meant you were going to have an October baby.

“My nephew’s birthday is in October, and my moms. Guess October is going to be busy” You sighed looking at Bree. She had kept her word and brought you to the doctors. She sat through the whole appointment, listening as intently as she could considering she didn’t understand more than two words in Korean.

“From my understanding, everything is okay, right?” She had asked as you made your way home.

“Yup, it’s funny. I am exactly where I was when I found out about Jai. You think I would know sooner, this being the second time around” Your heart was feeling heavy and you really wanted to eat your feelings.

“I mean, you’re busy and shit. I think this is normal” Bree said, taking a sip of the Starbucks in her hand. “So, I don’t want to be that friend, but like… have you thought about what you’re going to do?” She asked.

“I’m going to go home” You said while looking off in the distance.

“Okay, if you feel that is best, I will support you” Bree sighed heavily, neither of you had the right answer but this didn’t feel like it was the correct way to deal with it. “Just let me know when you’re going to come home. I’ll take time off and visit.”

“It’s going to suck, I am going to be so heartbroken. I can’t wreck him though. I can’t ruin his life. I love him so much” You brought your eyes to the ground, wrapping your arms around you, tears threatening to spill over again.

“I know babe, I know” Bree said, stepping forward and hugging you tightly.

[rkcheri]

﹡   V-LIVE: ON AIR WITH LUXE ✌️   ━━    ◆   럭스 ∙ JULY 31ST !  ❪ ﹡ ❫

“oh my goddess! hello, we are 럭스!”

a whole year has flown by and honestly, mijoo doesn’t know how they did it. 

the voicemail from her cousin, hyunjoon, the other day had definitely put her in a better mood, despite all the what ifs that carried her doubts. the stress, while still there, is lessened by the mood -- the uplifted demeanors on their faces as they descend the place they’ll have their v-live at. and it’s kind of bittersweet, seeing the five of them when there could have easily been seven, instead. she sees where jiwon and dawon could have fit into their little niche and it has her biting her lip when she’s ushered to get changed. 

a lot has changed in the past year, some bad -- a lot more good. 

she’s dressed down, arguably by her standards, but that’s fine -- it’s comfortable and cute and mijoo doesn’t see herself fussing with it as much as she would have if she had been dressed up in a nice dress and heels. the outfit is one mijoo doesn’t fight the stylist on and instead dresses with ease before jumping into play. sneakers tied twice at her ankles beforehand, knowing games were in store mijoo did not want to be the one who had to pause because of untied shoelaces.

the v-live is different than the ones they’ve had before. the flow is continuous, with frequent questions being thrown around here and there and memories ( ones that have been approved by both the company and rehearsed with the manager ) are spoken candidly. they’re on a schedule -- a casual one -- but a schedule nonetheless, adhered by the staff that watches them from behind the phone capturing their moments and their words. 

nothing is to be spoiled for their upcoming comeback, this they’ve been told, but there was something in mijoo that just wanted to give them a little slice of what they were to be expecting ( not consciously, of course; but it was there, that want, that built up anticipation for what’s to come ).

the schedule is stacked and when the questions begin to slow down -- an oversaturation of ‘say hello to ( insert country )’, ‘i love you, ( insert member name )’, and ‘when’s the next comeback?’ has them tying their lips quick and on to the next on the agenda. 

it’s been ages since mijoo has played any of these games, company retreats a thing of the past, her life full of idol schedules -- games like these were reserved for times like these. it also doesn’t help that mijoo isn’t the best at games, anyways. especially when it comes to the whisper challenge -- even after watching countless videos online, mijoo still proves to be useless when it comes to having both ear plugs and headphones blasting eclipse’s chase me into her ears ( she’s sure that she’ll have ear damage by the time this game is over and she’ll happily text her thanks to haseul, ahyoung and ariel after ).  

“WHAT?” comes up a lot during the game and when it’s mijoo’s turn, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. because as much as she wants to guess the words coming from the other’s words, her eyes zero in on the lips and try as she might to read what is being said, whether or not it was the right word -- the surprise in the other’s face is marked because mijoo says what she thinks, after five tries, that is, and not before long, she’s being forced around to relay whatever has been said -- did nayoung say fart?

“FART -- F -- AH -- RTTTT!”

                                           ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━      

when they’re shown their audition tapes from royal survival, mijoo wants to crawl into a hole and perhaps bring that video along with her. burn it, bury it -- do something so that it did not resurface. while it was a nice performance, she remembers so jisub’s words all too well -- stale. predictable, he had said. and she remembers them to this day, because how could she forget -- it was a performance like that that had landed her in the minor team when each of her other members had been in major from the start.

it had been the worst feeling in the world and to this day, mijoo laments on it.

but what was worse than that was when so jisub had replaced dabin with her -- exchanging her spot for mijoo to claim in the major team. that had made mijoo sick to her stomach and she vocally expresses this when they’re asked about the times they remember the most, “if i could, i would have given it right back to you. but -- in the end, we’re both here,” she smiles, reaching over to squeeze dabin’s hand. “and that’s what matters.”

the other’s performances do awe mijoo, from their audition videos to the live snippets of each performance, mijoo knows they’ve improved but seeing it individually, and quite impromptu, like this makes her realize just how much they have. dabin’s version of holla holla could arguably trounce the original, while it’s clear why seolhyun was given the goddess of grace role from her performance of janet jackson’s burn it up. nayoung definitely doesn’t disappoint, her dance to scars to your beautiful almost has mijoo tearing up and she’s clapping quite loudly by the end of it. and despite what seoyoung says, mijoo believes despite the cute performance she had done covering she’z ‘no no no’, so jisub couldn’t have picked a better girl to carry them over from sexy to cute. 

it’s only when it comes to her turn, to sing bts’s 버터플라이 that she wonders if she’s let go of the pain that show has brought her. while overall, an amazing growth on her part -- it had trampled over her dreams in the worst way possible. she had always wanted to become a singer, known for her voice -- emotionality and being found in the way she expressed her tone and timbre. but to be called predictable, it had hurt and thrown whatever pride she had left away. 

for now, she’s better -- she’s learned from her mistakes. she was here, wasn’t she?

she had finally been able to fly, even if so jisub had clipped her wings once. 

                                            ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━      

and perhaps her unconscious has caught up to her. because not before long, as they’re switching up parts for the last segment of their v-live, a performance of confused: mijoo is left dazed, unable to concentrate and adapt to being center -- not when she’s always been pushed to the back ( a place that she had grown quite comfortable in; in the back no one could see if she made tiny mistakes or forgot the choreography mid-way through ) but here, front and center, mijoo -- whose head is full of a handful of different choreographies at a time does her best.

and not surprising, her best at dance is obviously not good enough because instead of the confused choreo at a certain point in time -- her hand reaches for her thigh, fingers pinched into a familiar formation, a movement much like one that jaekyung had just taught them weeks ago for their new single, mini skirt, and she unzips air all while confused plays in the background and it’s only after dabin and seolhyun give her a second look that she realizes what she does and she immediately laughs it off, despite the sudden rush of adrenaline shooting up into her system, before quickly and chaotically trying to find her mind and the correct dance moves all while trying to get back into their prompted formation. 

oh no, she can already feel the daggers aimed for her heart from behind the camera.

                                             ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━      

the chaoticness of their v-live ends, and she can still feel her ears ringing from the horrible high notes dabin had just delivered but that’s to be expected. her stomach aches from laughing and despite the onslaught of consequences to be at her head; mijoo can’t say she regrets it, not now at least. 

when they’re bidding their farewells, mijoo had promised herself that she wasn’t going to cry; and this is tried and true as she holds onto seoyoung’s hand for support as she makes her parting words. 

“thank you so much for all the support and love you’ve given us this year. this year, to put it honestly, was definitely hard. while our debut was amazing, the end of last year, hit us with quite some unfortunate news but we were able to overcome it. with new members, whom we love, and our beautiful fandom, our olympias. we can only do better from here on out, to meet your expectations of us and continue to deserve the love you give us so unconditionally. we’ve still got a bit more time until the end of the year so please look upon us expectantly and keep us in your hearts! please enjoy the rest of your day and be safe!” she smiles, taking a deep breath as she bows low to the camera before rising; another brighter smile replacing the last. 

“until next time, olympias, this has been 럭스! bye ~”

                                            ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━      

𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐄𝐃   ∙    @rkxayah, @rkella, @rkyena, @rkxzoe, @rkceline , @rksona , @haseulrk , @rkxblue , @rkariel​ , @rkhyunjoon​

[vaixation]

Why I've been gone for two weeks – Please note that this post is going to contain some serious content. However, this is a really important personal update from me.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: - Animal death - Suicide ideation - Depression/anxiety/dissociation - (Brief mention of abuse/trauma/C-PTSD)

Post under the Read More. - - -

I'm sure there's a lot of people who didn't even notice I haven't been online anywhere for the past two weeks considering I'm a pretty quiet individual and often keep to myself / disappear off the social radar for months at a time. However, there's a pretty specific reason this time why I haven't been around, and it's important to discuss.

At the time I am writing this, it is currently Friday, May 3, 2019. I'm writing this ahead of time because... I cannot sleep and I need to get some of these thoughts off my mind. This week has been the worst week of my entire life, without exaggeration. I'll start from the beginning.

For those that don't know, a tornado came through my area on April 19th. I would like to state right off the bat that I am fine - it missed my house, but only just barely. We can literally see the path / damage of the tornado from our house. Apparently it actually formed RIGHT THERE - the people who live just like three houses up the road from ours said they actually saw the tornado's funnel come down out of the sky. It's wild to think a tornado could come to life that close to our house. We were very fortunate to be okay.

I can't necessarily say the same for others, however. I don't know if anyone got hurt, but I did hear that one person's house was completely flattened. (Apparently there was actually someone inside, but she went down into the basement and was okay. Also concerning her welfare and loss of property - I heard there was a fundraiser that was helping their family out, and they apparently were on the TV at some point too about it all? That's just what I've heard through the grapevine - it's all second hand information so I don't know how much is accurate and I've no way to double-check right now.) (EDIT: I have double-checked for our area now that I have internet again and I can confirm no-one in our area was actually hurt. All the damage is to buildings and property, thankfully.) There's entire areas of trees that have just been wiped out. And I know there was a bus that literally got thrown up by the wind and is now just sticking out of the ground. Last time I saw it, they still haven't fixed that.

Point being, we lost power for a whole day. They managed to fix the power pretty quickly considering the damage, but the internet? At the time of writing this... I still don't have internet. And that's the primary reason I haven't been around. But it gets so much worse from here on out. For me at least.

So, my week was already really stressful for this reason (not to mention MY JOB requires the internet and I have NOT been able to do any of my work; my bosses know my situation but it's still very stressful.) We called our ISP multiple times trying to get it to work - they've sent out two technicians so far and narrowed it down to the modem router. It wasn't hooked up to a surge protector, and the power going out the way it did seems to have zapped the modem router and it no longer works. So we decided to buy a new one, and I swear we went to at least ten to fifteen different stores looking for a new modem router.

The problem is, all the new modem routers in stock are coaxial cable modem routers. Our ISP is only a VDSL / ADSL modem router (requiring a phone line), and we went through several stores looking for a DSL to coax adapter with no such luck. Apparently, an adapter / converter like that doesn't even exist. The closest thing we could find was an ethernet to coax cable, but that's not what we need obviously. Through some other connections we managed to finally just order a DSL modem router via Ebay; it's supposed to get here on Monday of this week, so... we'll see if it does by then, I guess.

(EDIT: It arrived sooner than expected. We’ve been able to get it up and running, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to post this, obviously.)

But, well. That's not really why this has been the worst week of my life. I mean, it doesn't help, but... I can live without the internet for a week or two, you know? I've gone years without it. Whatever.

The thing is...

My cat died.

And this wasn't just some random cat, okay. His name was Chip - or rather, Slavashado. (It's pronounced "sluh-VAAH-shuh-doe") You see, I modeled his name after T. S. Eliot's poem "The Naming of Cats." Within this poem, it states that a cat must have three names. One is a common, everyday, ordinary name. Chip. One is unique to him. Slavashado. And one, only he himself knows. And he took it to his grave.

Chip's been with me basically almost my entire life. He was 21 years old. I'm 26 right now; I'll be 27 in June. So he's literally been in my life since I was 6 years old. He's always been there for me. Always.

So I cannot possibly put into words how heartbroken I am that he's gone.

I love him with all my heart. And I always will. But he's gone now.

I can't even remotely describe how empty I feel. How utterly alone I am. There's a void in my soul that's so deep it feels like it's going to erode me from the inside out.

You know, I've never lost anyone close to me before. It's not that I'm a stranger to death... far from it. I'll get into that later. But... this is the first time I've ever truly lost someone I really, really, truly cared about. I've always thought grief would be a linear thing. I've seen the Kübler-Ross model of grief more times than I can count. "DABDA" for short - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

It's not linear. Not for me. I feel all of these things at the same time somehow. It's not like I felt denial first, then moved onto the angry stage. No. I just feel all of them at the same time. And I'm so overwhelmed. And I'll go from one end of this spectrum to the other end and back again. It's far from linear.

The sad thing is, I feel my grip on this world unraveling each day. My world already ended with Chip... He meant everything to me. I love him more than anything else in this whole world. So... I've admittedly been having some very bad, depressive, suicidal thoughts. I'm not actively going to do something to myself, don't worry. But... I've been thinking lately, you know what? If a car runs over me, I don't care. What if the storms knock a tree over on my house and it flattens me? So what. What if I'm in a car wreck and die? I just... feel so apathetic.

It's like that song. "If the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me too."

But... I can't join him. Not yet. I still have to live a full life, you know? I can't come to you yet, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. I want to, but I can't. Not yet. I have to live a life that would make you proud of me, love.

Maybe we'll meet again in another life. Cats have nine lives after all...

But I've also just felt like I've started to really disconnect from reality, too. The other day someone said something - innocent, really - but the angry part of myself wanted to lash out and destroy and hurt. And the scariest thing was, I almost didn't care. Grief's not an excuse to lose your compassion, but I fear that I'm really losing it. It's hard to feel like anything's real, and somehow everything's all too real at the same time.

His health just... declined so rapidly in the last month. He went from being okay and active and about, to suddenly he can't jump anymore. Suddenly he's very lethargic and having a multitude of issues; he wouldn't be able to stand up without falling over. It got to the point where he wouldn't move around much anymore. I had to take care of him on a daily basis; almost 24/7 I'd watch him to make sure he was okay and wasn't having a hard time pooping/peeing and would wash him because he no longer had the strength to take care of himself or move anywhere or do much of anything.

I had to make a certain mixture of foods the vet prescribed to keep his nutrition levels up and to make it so he wouldn't be constipated, and had to monitor that he was eating / drinking enough. Eventually he stopped eating his food, so I ended up mixing it all in water and making it a liquid paste that he could drink instead, which he would gladly do. There were some glands on his throat that were swollen, so I think it was making it hard for him to eat even with the special food we had.

So... it both was and wasn't sudden. On one hand, it happened so fast? His health just plummeted and spiraled downhill within a few weeks. But on the other hand... he was just doing so badly. We took him to the vets multiple times and, there's really only so much that can be done. He was really old, you know? 21 is a long time for a cat to live. It's longer than most cats. I know he lived a long, good life, knowing he was well loved and cared for. And I truly did everything I could for him. I know I can't blame myself for anything, even though I tried to. I did my best, you know? But nothing lasts forever. All things one day die. It's the law of nature. And I'm no stranger to death. I know all too well this reality.

This isn't something I talk about a lot, but one of my parents was really abusive. She was really abusive to animals too. I've seen death. And horrible, traumatizing things too appalling to get into here. I've known from an early age that all things die. It's one reason I'm not... surprised. In a way, I accept that. I understand. I know.

It's why I'm a little obsessed with "morbid" themes, as others have put it. Death. Bones. Rot. Decay. (Plague flight on Flight Rising, anyone?) None of that is new to me. Finding an intrigue in it is a way of coping with it. Did you know that kids who deal with C-PTSD often recreate their trauma through play? Or fixate / obsess on the trauma somehow? That's why I literally relate so heavily to Henry from Fire Emblem: Awakening. He's the same way. He's seen animal death and cruelty. But he's also un-phased by blood and guts and everything. (He denies his trauma, but denial and even amnesia can be a big, big part of trauma. And the way he talks about his past almost sounds like he's dissociated from those feelings. I relate a lot to that too... I honestly find Henry to be very therapeutic to exploring my own feelings at times.) This is the reason I find horror and creepy content fascinating. And more often than not, it's hard to scare me. Fiction is so much less scary than the real thing.

My point is, I'm very aware of death. I'm aware of that finality. I'm aware of its permanence. Nothing I can do will ever bring my cat back. He's gone. So in a way, I accept that. And in a way, I also can't accept that answer. I miss him. I want him here with me.

In a way I'm kind of thankful that our internet wasn't working. It allowed me to attend to him in his last days without any other distractions. I spent so much time with him. And that gives me so small amount of peace, knowing that.

And I think he knew, the day he died. It was April 28th, somewhere in between 9-10 PM. I can't believe it's only been five days. It feels like an eternity without him here. But, that day, he was suddenly a lot more active than he'd been in months. He was up and walking around and came over to me and crawled up behind where I was sitting and snuggled and cuddled with me. I take comfort in the fact we shared a beautiful moment that day. Just sitting there, petting him, breathing in his wonderful scent and burying my face into his soft, warm fur. The deep purring, the soothing vibrations of his noise. I wish that moment could last a lifetime. I'm so thankful for the time I had with him though. It both feels like it was the right time - that it was meant to be - and at the same time I feel like he's left me far too soon. I miss him. I miss him so, so very much.

At least I got to hold him when he passed. I stroked his fur and cried as the last of his spasms died down. I've always feared I would find him one day and he just wouldn't wake up, so seeing him actually pass... it was scary. But it was good for me too. It brings me some small amount of closure that I could be with him in his final moments. He didn't have to die alone. For that I'm so thankful.

You deserve the best of everything, love. You were my faithful friend and companion for basically my whole life. I'll never, ever forget you.

Where are you now? Are you with the stars? Are you in my dreams? Where-ever you are, I hope you're safe. And happy. And at peace. Because I love you so, so much. And I always will. Now until the end of time, when death claims me too one day.

You know, at the start of the year, on New Year's, somehow... I knew. Somehow I knew this was going to be the year. I don't know why I did, but I just... felt it. And I promised myself, no matter what happens, I am going to make this a good year. And I will. But right now, I'm hurting. I'm hurting really bad.

Nothing lasts forever.

Not even pain. I'll be okay. But right now, I'm not.

"Whenever there is a meeting, a parting is sure to follow. However, that parting need not last forever... Whether a parting be forever or merely for a short time... That is up to you." - The Happy Mask Salesman, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

We buried him amongst some of the trees growing back behind our house. I buried him with some things - that heart pendant I used to slip into my photographs to mark them as "mine," for instance. It was a really important necklace to me. So I thought it was only appropriate that he have it. My heart belongs to him, after all. I buried him with a book that was also really sentimental to me. It's called Consider Love. The last line in the book was "Consider my love for incredible you." I signed it to Chip (Slavashado), from me (my name). I love you, sweetheart. I love you so, so much. Do you know that? I'm sure you did.

And I sang him a song, one last time. I don't know how many of you know this, but... when I was a child, my parents used to sing me a song. It became really sentimental to me because of this - memories of childhood days long past, so I sang it to him too. I modified some of the lyrics though.

"You are my sunshine, My only sunshine, You make me happy When skies are gray... You never know, dear, How much I love you... Please don't take My sunshine away.

The other night, dear, As I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you In my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, So I hung My head and cried.

You told me once, dear, You truly loved me. And nothing else could Come between. But now you've left me, To fly to heaven, You're amongst The stars and dreams."

I wrote him a letter, drew him a little picture, and wrote down those lyrics for him too. He'll always have it with him. We put him on his bed and put all of that in a box and put that into the ground. We're planning on planting some flowers out there.

Digging a hole is so much harder than I thought it'd be. There's so many rocks and roots and the chunks of dirt can be hard to lift out of the ground. To be honest I wasn't much help though. I basically just cried the entire time. I didn't even know my face could make that shape. I've never seen my own face in such agony before, but looking in the mirror I wouldn't even recognize myself for the sorrow in my features. It's just so foreign. Alien. It's weird to me.

In a way, actually physically burying him gave me closure. In a way it just made it so much worse. I feel all sides of this grief spectrum at the same time. Acceptance. Denial. Those two things are one and the same now.

It's okay to grieve. It's normal. It's natural. But it just hurts so much.

No amount of reading about grief can really... prepare you for it.

I've cried and cried until my head hurts and my face does too. Every time I open the door to my room, it hits me all over again. There's no one here. There's no one waiting for me at home, no small face peeking at me from the top of the stairs. It's so empty here. It's so lonely. It's so unfathomably quiet. And it's just too much.

I've even gone out to visit his grave, came back inside the house, opened the room to my door, and realized - he's not here. And I was literally just at his grave. It's all the small things, you know? I miss him in so many ways, little things I've gotten used to that tell me of his existence, but that presence - it's gone. And when I'm here in this room, it's so crushingly obvious. His aura no longer flows from his position. Where he should be, there's just nothing. He's not here anymore. He never will be here again. I know that. I do. I know he's gone. But it's just... it's so weird.

He's here one day, and gone the next.

"The years now before us, Fearful and unknown. I never imagined I'd face them on my own. May these thousand winters, Swiftly pass I pray. I love you - I miss you - All these miles away..." - Lullaby for a Princess

I thought I'd have more time. I looked at the can of food I had planned to feed him the next day (and I was really excited for him to try this flavor, too) and just lost it. There's not a tomorrow. He's gone.

I found a trace of his fur on a piece of furniture, and I just started crying all over again.

I leafed through some of the few pictures I've taken of him over the years - far, far too few. And I wanted so badly to reach through the screen onto the other side, where he is. Because he's not here anymore. It's just so hard.

I want him to come back to me.

And at the same time, I don't.

It was meant to be. There's no undoing what's done. He's gone. I know that. But it doesn't change my feelings. I miss him. I love him. And I hurt. I need him. What am I going to do without you, love? You were my constant. You were always there for me, every time I've wanted to end my life. Every time I've wanted to give up. You were there. I need you. I need you so much. You've left me too soon. But I wouldn't undo a single moment. I'll cherish each one of them.

"But time is not eternal. Please make the most of your time." - The Happy Mask Salesman, The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

The fact that it's not eternal is what makes life so precious. Time is what gives each and every moment and second of our lives meaning, because that's time you'll never get back.

It's time like this that I'm also thankful for all the storylines I've grown attached to. Somehow, they're really cathartic to me. And they've all taught me things that have made this easier to deal with than if I didn't have them.

Super Danganronpa 2 with its message that, to give up on life is a blasphemy unto life itself. Don't give up, or you're spitting on the beauty that life is. Even if it's hard. That's all part of what makes life beautiful and worth living.

Or Undertale. That if you could control time, rewind, redo, it'd lose all meaning. Life would be static. Unmoving. And you'd get bored. Very, very bored. You'd lose what makes you... well... you. You lose yourself.

Pandora Hearts, that undoing what's happened - even tragic - would lose the meaning of what's happening. Turning back time doesn't fix things. It destroys what you had. Be thankful for the time you have, however short. Because that's what gives each moment so much meaning.

Majora's Mask, because it teaches me that loss and grief are all a part of life. And you have to learn to move on, and let go. All things come to an end. And that's okay. When one door closes, another opens. Life moves on.

There's... well. A reason why those four storylines are my top favorite storylines. They're therapeutic to me. They help me cope with life in general, and everything I've gone through.

The day before he died, we went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant. The fortune cookie literally told me, "Opportunity is knocking on your door - answer it tomorrow."

"May be a reason why all the doors are closed So you could open one that leads you to the perfect road" - Katy Perry, "Firework"

You know that song, "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day? If I'm not mistaken, it was written after the passing of the singer's dad. And the sentiment is something I relate to. Wake me up a few months from now. I just don't want to be here right now. I'm so tired, and so very sad. There's a sorrow deep inside my soul too heavy to bear right now. I just want to sleep. I want it to be over. I don't want to deal with all of this right now. It's so much, and I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know if this factors into denial, but I've been trying to get out of the house more. Staying here just reminds me of what I've lost. I've been taking walks outside. Just anything to get my mind off of Chip. All the scents and sounds. The life that's buzzing around right now - the seasons are beginning to change into summer, and there's so many insects and birds about. Life continues on.

Somehow it's comforting to me. And somehow it's not. The more time I spend out of the house, the more I can't tell what's real anymore. The real world feels like a dream. Fake somehow. And my house just feels like a nightmare. I dread going to sleep every night. What nights haven't been restless have been filled with fear. What if I have a nightmare? What if I have a dream where he's alive? It will just break my heart all over again to wake up in the morning and realize he's not. It hits me every morning even without that, when I wake up. The sadness returns tenfold each day. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Hope seems like a concept far away.

"I'll see you laugh, I'll see you smile, I'll be with you... Just for a while.

But when the morning comes, And the sun begins to rise...

I will lose you.

Because it's just a dream, When I open up my eyes, I will...

Lose you...

I used to believe in forever. But forever's too good to be true. I've hung a wish On every star It hasn't done much good so far.

I can only dream of you, Wherever you are..." - "Wherever You Are", Winnie the Pooh

I know things are going to be okay. But today is not the day.

What's kept me going is busying myself with as much as I can. Thoughts of what I'm going to do each day. I'm taking it one hour at a time at this point. It's all I can do. Just keep going. Just a little farther. The moment I stop to unwind and take a break is when I start to unravel and remember. My thoughts always drift back to the same place somehow. He's gone. What am I supposed to do now?

Perhaps this won't make any sense. And quite honestly I don't care if it doesn't make sense to anyone else, but. Somehow... I felt like Chip has given me one last hope. He left me with something, a feeling. The day after he died, I just... I felt something. Like he was telling me that things were going to be okay, and directed my thoughts to what I should do, now that he's gone.

I want a new kitten.

I'm not replacing Chip. I can never replace him. He's one of a kind, and always will be. But when one door closes, another one opens. I need something to hold. I need something tangible, that's real, to touch, and hug, and cradle, and care for. I need something that needs ME to anchor me to this world, and give me a reason to stay. I need something that can break me out of this cycle of dissociation and ground me. And caring for another life is therapeutic. It makes me feel needed. Like I have a purpose.

Everyone needs to be loved, and to give love.

You know what's wild? The other members of my household unanimously came to the same decision without me even discussing it with them. Somehow, it feels right. I get this weird feeling Chip actually... sort of pushed our thoughts towards this. I don't know why I think that? By all logic that wouldn't be possible but then again, I truly don't think Chip was an ordinary cat at this point. He was so much more.

Do you ever have a dream, and in that dream you just know something? Without knowing why? But you know it for a fact, in that weird dream-sense? For me, that's what it's like. I just know. Even if no-one else believes me on this, I just know.

I'm not great with people. But I love cats. I've always been really good at reading their body language. And I admittedly do like kids. Whenever I go to my family reunions, I always hang out with the kids, not the adults. Their energy is so fun and invigorating. There's so much life in kids, and it makes me just a little happier to spend time with them, even if I hardcore lack social skills. I might not be great around kids, but I really try. I think my cousin’s children like to spend time with me. Their mother keeps telling me so, at least.

Point is, I love that energy. I know a kitten is going to just be energy incarnate. But I think that's what I need in my life. Something to protect and love and spoil. Something to pour all of my affection and effort into. I often feel really restless. Like the life I'm living right now isn't enough. And I'm sure a kitten would more than keep me on my toes and keep me busy. I expect many sleepless nights. I expect to be woken up like 6-7 times per night, even. But you know what? That's okay. I don't mind at all.

I got to play with some of the cats that my relatives have last time I was there and it just reminded me... how long it's been since I've played with a cat like that. My cat was too old to want to play (and I didn't want to cause him issues, he had a heart murmur and so I also didn't want to get him too excited in his old age because oh dear), so I've missed being able to manipulate toys into being a cat's "prey" and lazer pointers and have cats go nuts after it. I've really missed that. So having a kitten that loves to play? Sign me the heck up.

There's a lot of things I wanted to do with my cat, but he was just too old.

You see, I was only 6 when I got my cat. So I was a kid. And I didn't really get to like... spend money on spoiling my cat because at that age it's not like I had money? Once I turned around 20 or so I started really wanting to buy things for my cat, and show him how much I loved him by getting him nice things and toys and a cat tree and all sorts of other things. But he didn't really... like most of what I got him. And it really made me feel frustrated and sad and disappointed because I really wanted to show him how much he meant to me. But at the same time I was afraid of getting him anything because he wouldn't use most of what I'd spent my precious money on. Money doesn't grow on trees.

I understand, he was old by the time I actually had money to do things for him with. But that's all the more reason why a kitten really excites me. That dang lazer pointer I bought? I bet a kitten would love that! (I mean dang I even... bought one that has a USB stick on the end so you can recharge it because I really wanted it to last. Chip was super apathetic to the lazer pointer for the most part.) I wonder if a kitten would like that catnip treat I bought from Jackson Galaxy's shop? (In case you don't know who Jackson Galaxy is, he's a cat behaviorist and honestly knows so much about cats and their behaviors and he very clearly has a passion and great love for feline friends.)

Also that fun little cat tunnel I got my cat. He hated it. I thought he'd really like it because he liked small spaces (I used to have little boxes set up for him because of this) and also he really liked sitting on crinkly / noise-making things like plastic bags and the inside of this tunnel was super crinkly sounding. So I thought it'd be perfect. But he hecking hated that cat tunnel to the point where I almost threw it away because he would avoid it with a passion.

But I bet a kitten would love it. And that cat tree I bought! And I'm gonna get a nice squishy soft bed for him too when I get him since we buried Chip with his bed. And just. Something colorful! And lots of little toys and things! My head fills with so many ideas and plans and things I've got to prepare for for the arrival of a new kitten. I don't have one yet, but I'll get one soon.

It's the only thing right now that fills my heart with hope, and love. I want to take a new life in with me, and care for this new life to the best of my ability, and love him with all my heart. I'm gonna spoil him in toys and fun things and shower him with as much time and affection as I can. I need this. I need something to love and hold and care for. I have some really strong protective instincts, so nurturing something else - it's really therapeutic to me on so many levels.

We're going to get another black cat, just like Chip. I'm not superstitious really, but. You know what I personally think? That black cats bring you GOOD luck instead of bad luck. You're blessed by their presence when they're in your life. It's when they LEAVE you that the bad luck comes rolling in. That's why crossing a black cat's path supposedly causes you bad luck. Because now they're gone.

Plus, cats actually purr at a frequency that's been proven to heal bones and soothe. That's why cats make a really good companion for people dealing with depression, to be honest. And heck knows I have a broken heart that needs mending.

"Everything's gonna be alright, Everything's gonna be okay. It's gonna be a good, good life." - Bebe Rexha, "I'm A Mess"

[trellwords]

halo au chatlog, for later reference.

18:54 [trell]: so, law (of course) 18:58 [trell]: is part of the UNSC. specifically i think he is an orbital drop medic (and i haven’t decided whether this is conceptually realistic or not. surely even the specialest of the special forces and paratroopers must sometimes bring medical support, especially when somebody like an orbital drop shock trooper represents a massive investment by the military that employs them?) because i want the opening scene to be aboard in amber clad over delta halo, right after they hitch a ride through slipspace on the tail of the solemn penance when it jumps in-atmo over mombasa 19:01 [trell]: anyway: around 2548, luffy goes to reach 19:01 [gregory]: I AM INTENT 19:01 [gregory]: ALSO SPACE TRUCKIN 19:02 [trell]: perhaps specifically to take part in the AI program, as his personality is deemed particularly suitable to the development of a military AI 19:03 [trell]: since: anarchist streak aside: he’s extremely adaptable and just DOES NOT BACK DOWN, always picks a third option 19:03 [trell]: ideal traits when developing a supercomputer for MURDER 19:07 [trell]: law (who has been very close with luffy for a long time) successfully requests to be assigned to reach, despite the fact that UNSC high command is at that point already considering pulling the fuck out of reach and leaving it defenseless to secure a military victory over the covenant 19:08 [trell]: so: luffy’s brain is flash cloned and is one of the two that survives, the other being the one made off catherine halsey and turned into cortana 19:09 [trell]: and they develop the AI but don’t turn it on, perhaps because cortana is already active and AI this smart only have seven years before they go crazy, right, better to keep this one in reserve, especially if something happens to cortana mid-life span 19:09 [gregory]: fair 19:11 [trell]: meanwhile, in the three years between their arrival on reach and the fall of the planet in 2552, luffy finds out law is in love with him, ends up reciprocating, they wind up in an actual relationship rather than whatever the hell the thing that’s been between them for years and years qualifies as 19:14 [gregory]: does Luffy die in the fall 19:14 [trell]: bingo 19:14 [gregory]: Luffy dies in the fall doesn't he 19:16 [trell]: the covenant arrives, and luffy gets killed by a sangheili strike force in front of law’s eyes 19:16 [trell]: so, you know, not traumatic at all 19:17 [gregory]: Normal Couple Things 19:17 [trell]: specifically this is probably when the covenant has their first victory on reach at sword base 19:18 [trell]: law ends up hiding out in the underground lab with halsey and cortana, makes it to the pillar of autumn and escapes reach with them 19:19 [trell]: and of course the pillar of autumn follows the cole protocol but cortana secretly crams the covenant sequence into the navcom and they all end up jumping to the first halo 19:20 [trell]: WHICH, SIDENOTE, I THINK HALO MAY BE ONE OF THOSE SCI-FI UNIVERSES WHERE, LIKE ENDER’S GAME, FTL TRAVEL MEANS TIME IS SUPER FUCKED 19:20 [gregory]: or traveller tbh 19:21 [gregory]: "THE BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH INTERSTELLAR COMMUNICATIONS IS IT TAKES A GODDAMN WEEK TO GET FROM ONE SYSTEM TO ANOTHER" 19:21 [trell]: slipspace essentially allows ships to travel through our universe but crumpled up so there’s more dimensions, and this combined with the ebbs and flows of slipspace can mean that a jump to the ark outside the milky way takes very little time while getting from earth to reach takes for fucking ever even though they’re close together, right 19:21 [trell]: except. EXCEPT 19:21 [trell]: the games strongly imply that jumping is instantaneous for the people doing the jumping 19:23 [trell]: when in amber clad jumps in regret’s grav field over mombasa there’s clearly no lag at all between being thrown into slipspace and keyes being thrown forward in her command chair by the inertia as they come out the other side 19:23 [trell]: which to my mind suggests that if you jump somewhere and jump back you might still be age 26 but the people you left behind are gonna be 50 19:24 [gregory]: GOD 19:24 [trell]: ANYWAY. ENDER’S GAME-ESQUE DIGRESSION ASIDE 19:25 [trell]: they jump to installation 04, and UNSC decides that, okay, this is actually a pretty good time to activate that second AI they rescued off reach along with cortana 19:26 [trell]: and of course UNSC and commander keyes have absolutely no intention whatsoever of giving AI-luffy to law. who would give a military supercomputer to a medic, even a really good one 19:27 [trell]: except. (hang on going to go inside and wrestle off boots) 19:34 [trell]: EXCEPT, when they turn luffy on—luffy, who has all of luffy’s memories up until his brain was flash cloned, for whom those three years that never happened are superficially more akin to an amnesiac gap—and tell him what happened, that the person he’s based off is dead, realizes how devastated law would be 19:34 [trell]: and more importantly realizes that if he doesn’t do something first law is liable to do something catastrophically stupid, like try to steal him from UNSC 19:35 [gregory]: also fair 19:35 [trell]: and so REFUSES TO COOPERATE, UNLESS THEY GIVE HIM TO LAW 19:35 [gregory]: Law would do that 19:35 [trell]: i mean, he must have stolen that submarine from someone, right, and probably from the government, 19:36 [trell]: somewhere in the one piece canon there is a grand sub heist we never got to see 19:36 [trell]: grand theft u-boat 19:36 [trell]: anyway: idk if you remember from halo CE, but in halo people can have neural interfaces built into the back of their head 19:37 [trell]: all UNSC ship commanders have CNIs (command neural interfaces) linked to their ships, without which you can’t activate the auto-destruct sequence while the captain remains living 19:38 [trell]: obviously not everyone has these given that they’re literally attached TO YOUR BRAIN, FOREVER AND EVER, AND ARE EXCEEDINGLY DIFFICULT TO REMOVE SURGICALLY 19:40 [trell]: (i think john-117 probably also has one; we see him insert cortana into his helmet and you see her on the hud, but at one point she says “i KNOW what you’re thinking. i’m in your head,” which suggests she’s actually jacked into his brain stem as well) 19:42 [trell]: but anyway: i think it’s feasible that a specialist medic that runs around after ODSTs trying to keep them in one piece would have one. need your medic to suddenly know all there is to know about this one freak depressurization accident so he can save a million dollar investment shock trooper in a sort of similar situation? boom, shove it into his brain, done 19:43 [trell]: (so like. imagine a medic that carries around an entire medical research library worth of information on disks that can be matrix’d up at any time) 19:44 [trell]: EXTREME TL;DR, before they land on installation 04 and all the shit with the flood and thel ‘vadam goes down luffy gets UNSC to let him hitch a ride with law instead of wherever they would have preferred to put him because they need another AI operational and mobile and don’t have a whole lot of options 19:46 [trell]: which, at the very base level: leaves law sharing a brain with a version of his dead lover to whom reach never happened, and who, perforce, never...actually fell in love with him, and in fact doesn’t even know that happened between them 19:47 [trell]: and i think it’s reasonable to assume that when cortana can hear what john’s thinking it’s because he’s thinking it REAL LOUD 19:47 [trell]: in his internal monologue voice that has Made A Decision 19:48 [trell]: rather than assuming she can also hear things that are really vague and indefinite, like memories, which don’t occur in the same tangible way as internal monologue thinking 19:48 [gregory]: Tru 19:49 [trell]: which is to say, they put luffy in law’s brain, but all this shit’s going down on halo and anyway just then law’s real, real good at not thinking about those three years on reach 19:49 [trell]: given how they ended. 19:49 [gregory]: I honestly feel like Master Chiefs internal monologue is somewhere along the lines of 19:49 [gregory]: GODDAMNIT I HAVE TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE. AGAIN. 19:50 [gregory]: IF I FLY THIS SHIP INTO THAT SHIP I WILL CAUSE 45 TRILLION DOLLARS IN DAMAGE 19:51 [trell]: HONESTLY, MAYBE HE TALKS SO INCREDIBLY LITTLE BECAUSE HIS RUN-ON INTERNAL MONOLOGUE IS JUST 98% PROFANITY 19:51 [trell]: “THIS, AGAIN,” 19:51 [gregory]: I JUST FIXED YOU 19:51 [gregory]: WHY ARE YOU ALL FUCKED UP AGAIN 19:51 [gregory]: FUCKING GRUNTS. 19:51 [gregory]: CORTANA I NEED A FUCKING DRINK 19:52 [trell]: “FUCK THE COVENANT FUCK UNSC I’M OWED 90 YEARS OF PAID VACATION TIME BY NOW” 19:52 [gregory]: Internal monologue in Samuel L Jackson voice 19:52 [gregory]: "Say what again motherfucker" 19:52 [trell]: absolutely 19:53 [trell]: (talking to the prophet of regret) say WHAT AGAIN 19:53 [trell]: [i dare you i double dare you etc] 19:53 [trell]: the point is, law doesn’t TELL LUFFY, because honestly, who wants to get into something that emotionally complicated and awful, especially when space horror starts hardcore going down [[extended unrelated discussion of halo CE, multiplayer]] 20:07 [trell]: but, okay. (a) consider the fact that perhaps, if you hook a hyper-adaptable military AI into a doctor’s brain, you can probably get an AI that can scan and compute so quickly that it can project everything the doctor can’t actually see as overlays and predict all sorts of possible issues 20:08 [trell]: so you can have a surgeon actually see the inside of an organ they are cutting into, they never have to hope they got it right 20:08 [trell]: even in a shit triage situation 20:08 [gregory]: also consider that one would also be able to know EXACTLY WHERE TO SHOOT 20:08 [gregory]: to have the intended effect 20:08 [trell]: WOW. YES. 20:09 [gregory]: Imagine a surgically precisely placed sniper shot 20:09 [trell]: “i’m not MILITARY PERSONNEL! I’M NONCOMBAT!” “LEGOLAS SHOOT THAT MOTHERFUCKER ON THE OTHER ROOFTOP OR I SWEAR TO GOD” 20:09 [gregory]: "IT IS SEVEN MILES AWAY" 20:09 [trell]: i LIKE THAT. maybe this saves law on installation 04 20:09 [gregory]: "I DO NOT CARE, LOBOTOMIZE THAT MOTHERFUCKER BEFORE HE SHOOTS ME" 20:10 [gregory]: "THAT IS A HORRIFICALLY INVASIVE PROCEDURE" 20:10 [gregory]: "BULLETS ARE HORRIFICALLY INVASIVE" 20:10 [trell]: he’s trained, since he has to not be a dead weight to the ODSTs he jumps with, but he’s still not really a combatant, just trained to have functional self defense 20:10 [trell]: cornered by flood on 04, can see where the fuck the brain is located (NOT THE HEAD) 20:10 [trell]: HEADSHOT 20:11 [gregory]: oh jeez, can you imagine him with an energy sword 20:11 [trell]: THAT IS NOT A PRECISION MEDICAL INSTRUMENT 20:11 [gregory]: IT IS NOT 20:11 [gregory]: BUT IT IS COOL 20:11 [gregory]: HE WOULD COMPLAIN THE ENTIRE TIME 20:12 [trell]: two (2) things still give me the echo of a heart attack 10 years later and that’s (a) honor guard elites with fucking energy swords in the compound where regret is on delta halo and (b) DEALING WITH A PAIR OF HUNTERS IN A SMALL ENCLOSED SPACE ON HIGH CHARITY 20:12 [trell]: honestly. basically bones mccoy with an energy sword 20:12 [gregory]: fair 20:13 [trell]: i always got stuck in one of the double doorways that had a wall “island” in the middle with them 20:13 [gregory]: "THIS IS NOT PRECISION MEDICAL EQUIPMENT" 20:13 [gregory]: "NOPE" 20:13 [trell]: and whilst trying to ensure i didn’t get rushed from behind walked the fuck around a corner INTO ONE 20:13 [gregory]: "GUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER OR I WILL GUT YOU" 20:14 [trell]: BUT, (b) 20:14 [gregory]: god 20:14 [trell]: suppose hooking an AI into someone’s brain gives that AI, especially one that’s absorbed a library worth of medical data, the ability to manipulate brain chemistry to some degree 20:14 [gregory]: I can imagine Luffy's internal voice 20:15 [trell]: scream. so cheerful while, the flood, 20:15 [gregory]: "In your hands everything is a precision medical device" 20:16 [trell]: i feel like with luffy it’s be more like “with me EVERYTHING is a PRECISION WHATEVER” 20:16 [trell]: but that’s to say, it can (for example) suddenly reduce whatever chemical is making you angry or stressed 20:16 [trell]: luffy does this to law without asking, once 20:16 [trell]: ONCE. 20:17 [trell]: law probably nearly rips out his neural interface, love of his life and irreversible brain damage be damned 20:18 [trell]: after which time luffy never, EVER does that again, and it’s only because he’s based off someone law really would trust with his life that law gets himself to believe that luffy isn’t screwing with him 20:19 [trell]: but it is VERY useful when utilized with consent, since, like, you don’t even need pills or whatever, JITTERY BEFORE AN ORBITAL DROP? “do you want me to turn that shit down” 20:21 [trell]: actually in retrospect now that you’ve got me thinking about brainshare luffy’s combat applications maybe he does it not when law’s angry but when they’re in serious danger, to give the necessary jolt of adrenaline, etc? or once during combat and law doesn’t notice it the first time but notices it very sharply when it happens later when they have a fight 20:22 [trell]: (which, obviously, LOCAL MAN YELLS AT CLOUD, when there isn’t a projector available luffy’s image is only projected into law’s irises) 20:24 [trell]: and finally, (c) at some point between getting back to earth (maybe they also serve on station cairo, maybe not, ultimately they end up aboard in amber clad at mombasa) and mombasa law takes shore leave and just gets absolutely wasted because of course he’s still wracked with grief and hasn’t had time to process ANYTHING and is 100% primed for a breakdown 20:24 [trell]: you can guess the result, i’m sure 20:25 [gregory]: drunkenly confessing one's love to an AI 20:25 [trell]: NOT QUITE   20:25 [trell]: but compartmentalizing your memories of your dead lover doesn’t go so well when you’re getting wasted in honor of their memory 20:26 [trell]: so AI-luffy finds out, which is very problem, especially given that because reach never happened LUFFY NEVER FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM, and, disaster.

[corcordiumheartofhearts]

My favorite parts of the movie, Call Me by Your Name

This is INSANELY long (so obviously an insane amount of spoilers), jumbled, and in order of when I thought of each item (except for the Montaigne stuff) As long as this post is, there are tons of other moments that stick out, but one has to make choices! I tried to keep comparison to the book at a minimum as one can judge adaptations on their adherence/truthfulness to the source material or completely as its own thing (both are valid), and it’s easier to do the latter in this case. I’ve also kept it mostly positive, though as I’ve mentioned previously, I did have a few issues with the film (feel free to ask any questions you might have about that or anything else CMBYN related). Also, I need to see it again. As soon as possible.

*When Elio has the nosebleed (no footsie though ugh), he goes inside and sits on the floor and Oliver comes looking for him. The way Elio asks Oliver to sit with him breaks my heart. Just a subtle hint of plea. Everything that happens during that sit-down also fucked my life. It’s burned into my very being. Every look, kiss, touch, word.

* There’s this wonderful housefly that, throughout the movie, shows up occasionally to hang out with Elio when he’s thinking about Oliver. I could probably write a paper on what I think the significance of the fly is, and my feelings about the fly, but really, it was just a fly- a nice touch by either Luca or Ivory.

* The desperation in Elio’s kiss after he breaks down crying during the peach scene. How is Timothée not actually feeling that at that moment? Talk about acting. It was spectacular. Everything about his reaction was spectacular. The crying, the sad embarrassment for crying, the clutching at Oliver. (Aside:Oliver not eating the peach was unacceptable and Elio’s reaction being switched from being overwhelmed that someone felt something for him so strongly that they would do such a thing to being upset that Oliver is leaving soon was annoying.)

* The hilarious lunch conversation with the extremely talkative, not very polite, guests. This conversation needs to be witnessed and experienced, because it’s so funny. At some point they start insulting each other- someone gets called an “asshole” I think, but the expressions and tones of voice of everyone involved stay exactly the same, so it’s hard to even tell who’s being called an asshole, etc. Like this is just everyday conversation.

* After Elio says goodbye to Oliver at the train station, he sits around for a bit trying to process and calm down and then, because what else to do in this lovely family?, he calls his mom. As he asks her to come pick him up, he breaks down (I did, too). The shot is perfect. He’s in the phone booth and we’re outside and a bit away. He starts off the call facing us, but during the emotional bits, he turns his back. He’s hiding his crying from the world (including the viewer), but not from his mother, who can hear him losing it. This is a lovely private family moment, one of many that we’re privy to throughout the film.

* On Elio and Oliver’s trip, there’s a shot of Oliver’s face as Elio sleeps, looking completely at peace. Oliver is sitting on the bed, looking wrecked, and remorseful, and like he wants to stop what’s about to happen. The next scene is their goodbye hug at the train station. I wonder if Oliver sitting there that night knows that very soon he’s going to break Elio’s heart. Not just by leaving, but in telling him that he’s getting married (Over the phone? Really Oliver?) I’ve never been totally sure just how “on and off” Oliver and his future wife actually were. We never really get to know much about Oliver. In both the book and the movie, he’s more a mirror of Elio than a separate character. We only know him through and via Elio. So, in that way, is Oliver’s “on and off” relationship the same as Elio’s “on and off” relationship with Marzia? Where they hang out and fuck, but Elio holds back everything important? I don’t know.

* On the phone call when Oliver tells Elio he’s getting married, Oliver asks, “Do you mind?” A perfect, though strange, bit from the book to carry over- those are the words someone uses when asking permission to do something. What if Elio had said yes? Was Oliver seeking an admission that Elio loved him and wanted to be with him? Was he looking for an ego boost? Was he just asking an awkward question? Oliver is such a mystery to me.

*Anytime Armie/Oliver danced, I laughed. Man, that was some awful, but adorable dancing. The only time I didn’t laugh was when Elio got up on the dance floor and danced with Marzia right next to where Oliver was dancing. That time, I held my breath.

*The morning after they have sex (make love?) for the first time and Elio goes after Oliver into town. They walk a bit to have some privacy and while walking, for a few seconds they “hold hands” with just a finger or two tangled. So insanely lovely.

*After Oliver and Elio talk about how open Oliver is about showing his Judaism by wearing his Star of David, the next image is of Elio coming up for air while swimming in the lake, his Star of David around his neck. It’s a rebirth via water being symbolized, so a baptism of sorts. Oliver, simply by being Oliver, allowed so many hidden parts of Elio, parts Elio felt ashamed of, to be reborn into things that were not shameful, that were beautiful, things to be celebrated and nurtured.

*After Elio receives the note that they’ll meet at midnight and subsequently becomes seriously obsessed with his watch, they’re sitting outside, Oliver, Elio, and Elio’s mother. Elio gets up to leave the table and Oliver, so nonchalantly, asks Elio for the time. It’s such a sexy and funny way of Oliver reminding Elio what’s going to happen that night. And ratcheting up their respective anticipation.

*Sufjan. Sufjan. Sufjan. I can’t even.

*The way Elio says Oliver’s name. So often he says it as if he’s asking for everything he’s ever desired. There’s so much longing and affection.

*The sight and the sound of Oliver eagerly removing his belt the first night that he and Elio sleep together is super sexy. He’s kneeling over Elio, who’s lying between Oliver’s legs and they both look desperate. The sound and look of the leather as it’s being pulled quickly through Oliver’s belt loops is the perfect symbol for that desperation.

*It was completely genius, whoever’s decision it was, to have Elio constantly pressing himself against Oliver, whether it’s Elio’s head against Oliver’s chest or Elio’s whole body as he’s, literally, climbing Oliver, jumping into his arms, pulling Oliver against him as Elio leans back against a wall, etc. It’s like Elio is trying to absorb Oliver into himself. Like he can’t possibly ever get close enough. Like he wants to crawl inside Oliver and make himself a little home in his tummy or in his chest, by his heart- maybe take a nap surrounded by Oliver. Like he simply cannot get enough of this man.

*Elio’s hairstyle at the end of the movie & every single time Elio did his slide dance move. What glory was that?

*That one lovely shot of snow before the last scene. Foreshadowing the cooling off of Elio and Oliver’s relationship, and letting the viewer know that their summer, which was, vicariously, ours, is officially over. Also, snow is just beautiful.

*The night that Elio confesses his feelings to Oliver, Oliver comes back late. Elio, thinking that Oliver has been out with someone else, is restless in bed, and mutters, “Traitor,” as Oliver uses their adjoining bathroom. Then when Oliver closes the bathroom door without acknowledging Elio, Elio rolls over again says, sadly, “Traitor.” The word enlarges Elio’s desire- makes it so much more than just lust. He’s saying that they have something important together, something that can be betrayed. The fact that he doesn’t consider his actions with Marzia to be traitorous makes perfect sense to me. He knows his own feelings, that Oliver is, for whatever reason, infinitely more important to him than Marzia. But what Oliver feels is, at that time a mystery.

*Elio tells Oliver that they have to sit in the backseat of the car because Anchise usually drives as Elio’s father navigates. Then Elio’s father comes along and tells Anchise that he doesn’t need to drive and then invites Oliver into the front seat to be navigator. Elio is adorably upset that he doesn’t get to ride shotgun (understandably!). But also probably a bit unpleased that he doesn’t get to share that small backseat with Oliver. Ha.

*This part right here, when Elio asks for a truce and Oliver offers the hand of the statue. It should have been funny, but it was actually just very sweet and hurt my heart a bit.

*As Oliver and Elio leave on their trip, Chiara rides up on her bicycle. She’s late, though, and they’re already on the bus which is pulling away. The borderline sarcastic wave that Oliver gives her is pretty funny and Elio’s mother inviting Chiara to dinner with a thrown in, “Bring Marzia with you” is just ouch. But the look on Elio’s face as Oliver sits beside him, like this is everything. He’s sitting here with Oliver, going away with Oliver (!!!) and he seems so joyful, but also overwhelmed by that joy, and like he’s seconds away from crying. Lovely lovely acting by Tim.

* Elio’s father is pretty much perfect at fathering fatherly. And Michael Stuhlbarg is magnificent in this film. His final speech to Elio about Oliver, and love, and life is spectacular, both in the book and the film. The line that always makes me cry, whether reading, listening, or watching is:

We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of thirty and have less to offer each time we start with someone new.

I’ve had one of those lives where this would have really been nice to hear when I was younger. But since I kind of want to rip out every memory I have of this book/movie, to cure myself of too many feelings, it might not have mattered.

* Also in Elio’s father speech is my favorite quote about love. I was ecstatic that it was in the book so having it in the movie made me doubly ecstatic. The quote, by Montaigne about his platonic male friend, is untranslated in the book (& I don’t know if anyone bothers to look that stuff up), while in the movie, there are subtitles (the translation in the movie is different than my preferred which is below, but whatevs). Below is a larger portion of the quote, the part in bold is the bit in the book/movie:

Si on me presse, continue-t-il, de dire pourquoi je l'aimais, je sens que cela ne se peut exprimer qu'en répondant: parce que c'était lui; parce que c'était moi.

If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than it was because he was he, and because I was I.

From the book:

“You’re too smart not to know how rare, how special, what you two had was.” “Oliver was Oliver,” I said, as if that summed things up. “Parce que c’était lui, parce que c’était moi,” my father added, quoting Montaigne’s all-encompassing explanation for his friendship with Etienne de la Boétie.”

I can’t explain why I’ve loved particular people most in my life- we were just the kind of people who would love each other. We spoke to something in the other. I’ve always appreciated the joyful, but also, almost resigned (potentially tragic) quality of such an acknowledgement. “We were meant to love each other” alongside “I couldn’t have stopped it even if I’d tried.” It’s perfect for Elio and Oliver.