#here we are with thinky thought posts instead that i want to note to my stubborn brain DO NOT COUNT AS FIC

[izzy-b-hands]

i always go back and forth on can Izzy read or not hcs (ultimately im here for any and all from 'yeah he can' to 'no he cannot' with various variables in any hc)

today thinking abt one part of that spectrum that's:

he can read, but not super well, and he's been claiming he can't read at all purely bc he knows Stede will recommend him books to read once he knows.

and while that isn't bad, he can't read very quickly and he's deadset on not embarrassing himself by Stede finding that out abt him (when it takes him a week to get through two chapters and 'yes bonnet the book is good no im not putting it off why is it taking me so long to read this then? why don't you fuck off?!')

That and the proto sticky notes that Stede invents to leave Lucius and Ed with random reminders (and drawings and actually occasionally just cute lil hello how are u messages, but Izzy doesn't know that and tbh, is not incorrectly assuming that Stede would default to using it for work messages mainly with him. Up to and including 'ship sinking pls come out to dinghy when u wake up! See u then, Iz :intricately drawn heart by Stede's signature:. Like it's sweet but also Work so it's a weird grey area and Izzy just isn't Sure abt dealing with that rn lmaooo)

[ceciliatan]

How BDSM is Like Frozen Yogurt

So, I'm reorganizing the way I handle my blog(s), email list, Patreon, and social media. I'm going to crosspost a monthly "news and notes" across all platforms. It'll typically open with what I call "Thinky Thoughts," followed by the "news" of where I'm going, where I've been, what I'm working on, and what's new to read. Previously this material was scattered across my various social media and then usual compiled in the newsletter, with sporadic posts at Patreon as well, but now that I'm about to start posting more fiction content to Patreon, it made sense to streamline the rest. This post is the first full "news and notes" update I'm putting on my main blog at ceciliatan.com (and onto Tumblr and Medium and everywhere else it crossposts like LJ, Dreamwidth, Goodreads, etc!). Wherever you're reading it, welcome! Come hear my tale of WHY it is that I'm about to start posting more to Patreon, and how the answer relates to the issue of How BDSM is Like Frozen Yogurt. (If you've already read my newsletter or patreon update, this is the same stuff...)

In this newsletter:

- Thinky thoughts: How BDSM is like Frozen Yogurt - New free read: "A Novel is An Empathy Engine" at Uncanny - Book rec: Light from Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki - Upcoming appearances: ICFA! Nebs! Etc! - Talks are live on YouTube now! - WIP Report - Photos from recent travels - Daron's corner

Thinky Thoughts: How BDSM is like Frozen Yogurt

First a quick note about masks and COVID at cons: I just got back from Capricon in Chicago, and a few weeks back we had Arisia here in Boston, right in the midst of a COVID surge. Both cons required masks, and both cons have reported minimal spread afterward. Arisia only 8 cases out of 1200 attendees. Every time I post about this, people try to send me links to studies showing that "masks don't work." Of course, these same people aren't interested in seeing the studies that show masks DO work. What seems evident from the cons I've been to over the past two years is that if you have a science fiction convention with a mask mandate, you get low (but not always zero) spread, and if you have no mask mandate, you have dramatically more cases. If you're a mask skeptic, I would think of it this way: Maybe that's just because the "mask believer" behavior is less risky in all respects while the "no more masks!" crowd is more likely to carry COVID, not because of masks per se, but because of other behaviors? The cause doesn't actually matter, only the results, and so net result: I will be preferentially attending the cons that require masks. The other mitigation strategy I've been employing at cons which I'm really enjoying is this: when I want to have a "let's catch up" meal with someone at a con, instead of going to some noisy restaurant or bar, is having them up to my room and getting either room service or ordering some form of delivery food. It's quieter and we can actually catch up with fewer distractions! And post-COVID, my brain can't handle distractions as well as it used to! And with post-COVID life on my mind, I am now attempting to re-focus my career on my self-publishing efforts. There are a few reasons for this, but one is definitely a feeling that time is finite. The COVID infection I had in September probably shortened my lifespan and/or my brain's useful working years remaining. And I have a LOT of stories I still want to tell. Another is that it's become clear to me that right now the big publishers are just not that into me. The "kink fad" is over for them. But in indie/self publishing, the readers are still there. If you haven't heard me gripe about it elsewhere yet, The Vanished Chronicles is not going to come out from Tor, even though they've had the series under contract now since Obama was president. I got reassigned to a new editor a while back, and she's not enthused about it. So the rights are coming back to me, and I will be putting the wheels in motion to self-publish in the future.

HOW BDSM IS LIKE FROZEN YOGURT Do you remember back when there were exactly two places you could get frozen yogurt and they were knock-offs of each other? TCBY and ICBY: The Country's Best Yogurt and I Can't Believe it's Yogurt. The main place you would find TCBY and ICBY was in airports and in mall food courts. I don't know which one came first, but the point is that they were a staple in these big capitalist slots for decades. They were basically like soft-serve ice cream, but made with yogurt, which was nominally "health food" but whatever. Then in the early 2000s, here in Cambridge, MA, a company started up called Berryline (their two stores were along the Red Line T, one by Harvard and one by MIT) with the concept that they wanted frozen yogurt that actually tasted like yogurt (much more sour) and not faux ice cream. They quickly had lines out the door and expanded to a third location, etc. Capitalists took notice. This area is known for incubating successful chain concepts, and quickly a whole passel of copycat chains began proliferating across the country. Pinkberry, Red Mango, Yogurtland, 16 Handles, and more and more. The peak came around 2012... right around when the 50 Shades of Grey hype was exploding. Kinky books had a similar trajectory. For decades there were a couple of stodgy, reliable outlets for them: Blue Moon Books and Black Lace among them, which could be very reliably found in the chain bookstores like Borders, Waldenbooks, and Barnes & Noble. They were the ICBY and TCBY of BDSM books. But upstart publishers like Circlet Press, and romance publishers who were starting to dabble in kink, showed there was upward movement in the market, then the 50 Shades boom happened, and all of a sudden every big publisher was acquiring kinky books. When my book Slow Surrender hit the market was at the peak of this boom, which is why that book was sold in Target, alongside Christina Lauren, Sylvia Day, Tara Sue Me, et cetera. But of the ten (TEN!) fro-yo places that tried to open in my neighborhood during the boom... ZERO of them are still in business. Even the Berryline store that had opened a few blocks from my house has closed. Does this mean people don't like frozen yogurt anymore? Not at all. There are still a few shops doling it out to dedicated customers. But the craze for it is over. And the craze for BDSM and kink among the big publishers is over. Does this mean readers don't want it anymore? No. There are still thriving readerships for both queer and het BDSM, but the authors who are doling it out are back in the indie/self-publishing spaces for the most part. So that's where I'm redirecting my energy now. Into my own books and my own efforts. I took a workshop recently, offered by the SFWA romance writers subgroup, about writer burnout. They asked, when was the last time you really felt energized and lit up by your work? When was the last time you really felt on fire for it, like you couldn't wait to get to the computer to write? For me, that feeling was when I was juggling serializing The Prince's Boy and Daron's Guitar Chronicles simultaneously while I was writing Magic University. Far from feeling "burned out" by all that work, I was waking up every morning with writing ideas, and going to sleep every night thinking about my characters. So. It's time I leaned in to my queer and kinky stuff again, time to listen to my muse and not try to chase a Big 5 trend. It was nice to ride a capitalist wave for a while, because that's what got me out of credit card debt and onto a decent financial footing really for the first time ever. And it would be great if another publisher wanted to throw a lot of dollars (or Euros) at me, but for now I should be concentrating on controlling my own creative and financial future. CHANGES TO THIS NEWSLETTER & PATREON What that means is I'm getting organized to start serializing some of my works in progress through my Patreon. My plan is to keep sending out this email newsletter once a month, but I'll also crosspost it to Patreon (where there is now a free "follow" function) and to my blog(s). I expect to begin a weekly serial on the Patreon within the next couple of months. What I haven't figured out yet is WHICH of the back-burner projects to serialize first. One entire book of The Vanished Chronicles is finished and in the can, but I'm letting my agent solicit a few other publishers about that before I do anything with it myself (but I'm expecting it'll come back to me). I also have a very queer cyberpunk novel that has been in the works for over 10 years. And a "trapped in a game" series that would be ideal to serialize. And so on. I will probably run a poll next month asking for which to do first! People also keep asking me for book recommendations! I'm going to try to read more, and try to recommend at least one book per month in the newsletter. Thanks for reading this newsletter whether you are getting it through Mailchimp or on one of my other platforms! (Please consider getting it through Patreon if you're not as they seem to be the best at bypassing the spam filters...? They have some secret sauce!)

New Essay

I have a new essay up for reading at Uncanny Magazine! It's entitled "A Novel Is An Empathy Engine." My previous essay at Uncanny ("Let Me Tell You...") goes viral every few years when some new crop of MFA students discovers it and gets their minds blown. (It's a rant about how "show, don't tell" is bad writing advice and details how that belief works against both sf/f as genres and anyone writing from a marginalized point of view.) I figured there was no way I would be able to replicate that virality, so I just zeroed in on a topic near and dear to my heart, which is fiction as a tool (possibly THE ONLY proven effective tool) for building empathy. While many writers, going all the way back to Aristotle (!) have spouted that fiction is good for the soul, we actually have a lot of proof coming out of cognitive science that both people's urge to empathize and their capacity for empathy are increased by reading fiction. Read the new essay here: "A Novel Is An Empathy Engine"

Watch more talks online!

By coincidence, I had two separate talks go live on Youtube this past week! - "Death to Show, Don't Tell!" This was a talk that partly grew out of that old Uncanny rant about "show, don't tell." I did it a while ago for Writing the Other, where K. Tempest Bradford, Rebecca Makkai, and I spend an hour absolutely trashing the old saw. WTO finally released it into the wild for all to see. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZUYNz5bSik - The other was the event that I just did with Ann Bannon, the "Queen of Lesbian Pulp" put on by the Rare Book & Manuscript Library of the University of Illinois Champaign-Urbana. The recording is now up for anyone who missed it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeyaveFkFXQ - Finally, my Writing the Other master class on Writing Bi/Pan Characters is now available on demand. Folks can pay to watch it anytime. https://writingtheother.com/on-demand-bisexual-pansexual-master-class/

Book Rec!

I'm still kicking myself I didn't get a selfie with Ryka Aoki when we were on a panel together at Arisia on "Writing with the Rainbow." (Along with Elijah Kinch Spector, JR Dawson, and Sacchi Green). Knowing that the panel was coming up, I bought the ebook LIGHT FROM UNCOMMON STARS intending to read it before the con. I actually didn't manage to start it until after the con though, which is just as well, or I would have spent the whole panel gushing at Ryka about what a great book it was. LIGHT FROM UNCOMMON STARS is a little hard to describe, because the book biz wants to make very hard divisions between "science fiction" and "fantasy" -- much the way many people insist on making very hard divisions between "male" and "female," and then when an example comes along that doesn't fit their neatly labeled boxes, they get angry and try to pretend it doesn't exist. Very fortunately, people did NOT pretend this book didn't exist, and instead embraced its madcap mix of space aliens who run a SoCal donut shop and violinists who sold their souls to the devil. The book garnered a Hugo finalist slot and won the Otherwise Award, and it is a DELIGHT to read. If that's enough to convince you, just go read it and discover the book's delights for yourself. (I get a kickback if you buy through either of these links: Amazon - Bookshop.org) What I loved about this book is that all these disparate elements felt like they came together very organically. There is classical music nerdery in spades (you guys already know about my fandom for TwoSet Violin, right?), and a trans coming of age story, and heaps and heaps of Asian diaspora representation. The "representation" felt much more natural to me here than it did in "Death by Bubble Tea by Jennifer Chow, a cozy mystery I also read recently (Amazon, Bookshop). Both books are set in Southern California and have a lot of scenes set in Asian-family owned restaurants and food establishments. Part of what feels different between them might just be I am not as much of a mystery reader as a science fiction reader. I liked Death by Bubble Tea almost in spite of how it felt a little "paint by numbers", but I LOVED Light from Uncommon Stars.  Content warning: Some trans readers may be triggered when Katrina experiences misgendering and abuse in the course of the story. Ryka Aoki is a trans woman and presents a very clear-eyed view of what Katrina goes through, neither sensationalizing it nor downplaying it. Ultimately this is a sweet book with a lot of healing in it, though. 

Works in Progress Report

The Vanished Chronicles, as I mentioned above, is not going to come from Tor after all. I know, I know. We came SO CLOSE to book one, Initiates of the Blood, being released in 2018 that we handed out tote bags and swag at the RT convention featuring the book's cover. I know this will be disappointing news to some of you who are waiting for it to come out. Now that it's coming back to me, the title of the book and what format it appears in are up for grabs again. I am expecting I will serialize the chapters on Patreon, for paying patrons only, unless my agent finds another publisher willing to cough up a lot of dough for it. I was never in love with the title "Initiates of the Blood," so we'll probably be trying to cook up a new title. What a Man Wants was a short story I wrote a while back for the Ladies of Trade Town anthology edited by Lee Martindale, but it always wanted to grow into a novel, and I played with expanding it into one a few years back, but projects under contract took priority. Read the full article

[maggielindemanns]

all mixed up - an elu social media au

summary: it’s simple really - eliott meets a guy at the bar, that guy gives him a fake number, and that fake number just so happens to belong to lucas. the rest is history.

[NINETEEN PART TWO]

[note: i’m putting my note here at the top this time but here is nineteen part two aka how the date went! i’m like . Scared to put my writing up but you know what, fear is my enemy and i’m posting to spite her so ! here is 3k words of elu date in the amu-verse i love you guys giving you all smooches on your foreheads <3 was gonna post this yesterday but i was attacked by the river i went tubing at so here she is rn instead <3]

    Thoughts of nerves and excitement were crashing into each other and around the walls of Eliott’s head space at a million miles a second as he made his way to Lucas’ dorm. His heart didn’t even feel like it was beating at this rate, more like slamming against his rib cage and rattling up the butterflies existing in his stomach. He made sure to send Lucas a warning text once he was down the hall — “countdown from 30 & i’ll be there”. Lucas, 'ever the charmer having such a way with words, simply loved the text in lieu of an actual response.

Once in front of Lucas’ door, he took a deep breath before knocking gently, stepping back after to await an answer. Every second felt like forever to him, especially when he could hear Lucas shuffling around on the other side of the door. He just couldn’t wait to do this, he couldn’t wait to actually have Lucas to himself for real.

Lucas opening the door suddenly pulled Eliott from his thoughts, overwriting the mess in his head with thoughts of Lucas instead. He looked at Eliott, seeming pleasantly surprised, and smiled brightly at him. Eliott wanted to give him the world and then some.

“Demaury,” he greeted, “hey.”

“Hey yourself. Ready to go?”

“Of course. You look so good, I’m kinda jealous. Am I under dressed?”

“No, you’re perfect.”

“Oh stop,” Lucas scoffed, starting to lead the way out already, “let’s go before you hit me with any more corny lines.”

Eliott just smiled, following Lucas close behind. He got the door for Lucas going out of his building, grabbing his hand before he could walk too far ahead. Lucas didn’t let go, though, actually giving his hand a squeeze and smiling at him. The silence as they walked to Eliott’s car hand in hand was comfortable and familiar, and Lucas loved it.

When they both got into the car, Eliott went to start it, but hummed as if remembering something. Lucas watched Eliott reach into the back seat as he put his seat belt on, his brows furrowed.

“What are you doing?” Lucas asked, and Eliott wordlessly presented a lavender rose, seeming proud of himself. He looked between the rose and Eliott a few times before dumbly asking, “Is that for me?” and Eliott nodded, handing it to him. He turned it over in his hands before looking at Eliott again, his chest tight with the slight urge to cry. Yes, he was emotional over a single flower, sue him.

“I didn’t take you as the type for grand gestures,” Eliott explained, “but... something small to remember tonight is nice, right? Even if everything goes to shit and you hate me after this, at least we started on the right foot.”

“I could never hate you, this is so sweet, Eliott. Thank you.”

“You don’t need to thank me. You deserve nice things. Always.”

Lucas just smiled slightly and watched Eliott start his car, starting to tell a story about a basil plant he accidentally killed. Lucas found himself oddly endeared by that, as well as his story about how he Jackson Pollock-ed his way through an entire semester. That led Lucas to tell him stories of how he tried multiple times to get out of gym back in high school with absurd ailments, one time even trying to use appendicitis as an excuse. That cracked Eliott right up, and Lucas was proud of that. He loved making Eliott laugh, it was his favorite thing.

They eventually were pulling into the parking lot of a very cozy looking building. “Len’s Den” was lit up brightly across the top of the building on a sign, and vased plants marked the entrance, along with a glowing, red open sign. Eliott shut the engine off after putting the car in park and looked at Lucas.

“I told him about you,” is what came out of Eliott’s mouth. Lucas must’ve made a face of confusion because Eliott laughed a bit before elaborating. “Len, I told Len.”

“Like...owner, Len?”

“Yeah. It sounds so random, but he’s been looking out for me since high school. I’ve done it all in here — cried, yelled, laughed, all three at the same time maybe?” Lucas chuckled at that, and Eliott smiled a little. “Point is, Len’s taken care of me in ways I don’t have words good enough to thank him for. He’s important to me, and so are you. I hope it was okay that I did.”

I told him about you. He’s important to me, and so are you. Those words were echoing in Lucas’ brain, doing a number on his emotions. It was heady to think that he was important to Eliott, so much so that he wanted to tell people about him.

“Yeah, that’s—I’m honored. That’s always okay, really.”

There was a beat of silence between them, the two of them just smiling and looking at each other for a moment. Eliott broke their gaze by starting to get out and Lucas followed suit, his nerves creeping back up on him suddenly.

How he was supposed to last an entire night of Eliott being Eliott was something he wasn’t sure of. Maybe if he didn’t think about it too much, the obvious would become clear - that being with each other was easy. They’ve done this before. Easy.

Upon entering, a few things caught Lucas’ eye - the photo booth in a far corner surrounded by countless strips of pictures, a piano set in the corner across, art littering the walls that resembled things he’s seen in Eliott’s apartment. Other pictures and band posters covered the walls, too, but nothing Lucas was familiar with. Eliott grabbing one of his hands and gently pulling him along shifted his focus back to him.

“You’ve got your thinky face on,” Eliott told him, “what’s on your mind?”

“Nothing, I just...like how you this place is.”

“Just screams art-kid-trying-to-find-a-place-in-the-world, huh?” he asked with a crinkle of his nose. Lucas smiled and nodded.

“Oh, a hundred percent, yes. Now let’s get some mac and cheese bites in our system, they are what brought us here after all.”

Eliott brought them over to the bar space where they sat close to each other, Eliott noting Lucas’ slight struggle to get onto the tall chair. He laughed a little on accident, and Lucas kicked his chair, mumbling for him to shut up.

Lucas let Eliott kind of take the lead here, ordering for the both of them with confidence that Lucas admired. Eliott in his element was always lovely to witness, no matter what. Conversation points never ran out as they sat and chatted (even when the heavenly bites did, Lucas ate two rounds of them), and Eliott even got him to take photo booth pictures with him at one point. Lucas being fussy about how the pictures were coming out made Eliott laugh so, so much. Lucas was shocked no one came over and was concerned with what was happening in this booth.

“To have not wanted to take these to begin with, you sure have a lot of opinions,” Eliott teased, and Lucas rolled his eyes, pushing his head gently and telling him to focus. Being in close proximity like this with a beautiful boy like Lucas was not helping him in the crush department, not by any means.

To only be date number one, Lucas felt like he had known Eliott forever, and the idea scared him a little bit. To know someone for only a handful of weeks and feel like everything is new and yet so familiar and safe between them already was a lot for him. He didn’t usually do this, he didn’t usually allow himself to get to this point. Infatuation with no return. But he kind of liked it. A lot.

Soon enough, it was just the two of them left as patrons, the only other person in the store being Len himself, waiting to lock up. He didn’t even make an attempt to kick them out, though, and Lucas had a feeling Eliott had something to do with that. Rather than dwell on that thought, however, Lucas found himself wandering over to the piano, Eliott following close behind.

“Piano’s lovely,” he commented, taking a seat. Lucas took note of all the etching done into the piano, making him wonder if one day he would get to add to them. There were people's initials inside hearts, stickers scattered on it, and messy scrawl in sharpie of people who came here before him. He pat the seat next to him to get Eliott to sit beside him and he did, their knees touching and arms brushing against each other.

“It’s old as shit, honestly. In tune, though. I tagged it somewhere way back when, actually.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Somewhere here...” His voice trailed off as he scanned the surface of the piano with his eyes, eventually humming in recognition and pointing for Lucas to see. Lucas smiled, realizing it was a raccoon, and nudged his arm gently. “What?”

“You and these raccoons, Demaury.”

“Spirit animal, what can I say.”

“Oh man, you’re a trip,” he sighed, plucking a few random keys of the piano. Eliott started laughing and Lucas gave him a look. “What?”

“Nothing. Just wanna say Len’s got a triangle if you wanna mess with that instead.”

“Oh, shut up, as if you play.”

“I’ll have you know I can play the Star Wars theme,” he scoffed, starting to pluck out the first few keys. “Mmh, and I do a mean Für Elise cover.”

“Cover? What the hell?”

Eliott simply started playing the first few notes slowly but surely. It sounded familiar to Lucas’ ears, at least until Eliott started playing a bunch of meaningless mess. Lucas laughed at that genuinely, like, belly aching laughter. Eliott stopped playing and looked at him, something warm erupting in his chest resembling love, but not quite there yet. Adoration, maybe, but strong. So strong, Eliott had to refrain from just grabbing his face and kissing him right then and there. He almost couldn’t think of anything else as he sat there, smiling fondly at the boy beside him.

Lucas wiped at his eyes, calming down after a minute or so and looked at Eliott, clearly amused. He cleared his throat and tried to be serious, nodding once. Eliott tried to stop smiling too, but he knew he was failing greatly.

“Mister Demaury, I have to say,” Lucas spoke, “I think you have a fine career as a pianist in the near future.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Why thank you. Means a lot from you, you know, since you’re an expert and all.” Lucas got the sense that Eliott was teasing him a little, and he looked at him, squinting a bit. “What? I was being genuine.”

“No, you weren’t, you’re an asshole.”

“Well. Prove me wrong, c’mon.”

“Let me think,” Lucas told him, sitting up properly and getting his hands on the keys. He decided to play one of the only songs that came to mind right now, one of the first songs he ever learned - I Love You by RIOPY.

He plucked out the opening keys slowly, feeling Eliott’s eyes on him, watching intently. Once he got a good feel for the piano, he played with more confidence and ease, not missing a beat. He surprised himself, granted he hadn’t played much in a while with school and everything, but he was glad he still had it in him. As focused as he was, he felt Eliott’s eyes shift to his face, and that made him glance over at him mid-playing, taking note of the glint of wonder in his eyes. He looked away before he could start to think about it too much, but what he wasn’t aware of was how Eliott decided that in this moment, he liked surprising people. And Lucas was surprising.

When Lucas plucked out the final notes, he took his hands off and slowly looked at Eliott, who was smiling brightly. Lucas suddenly felt shy under his gaze - he’d never actually played anything for someone before, at least not a piece in seriousness like this. Silence hung between them for a moment before Eliott spoke.

“Way to show me up, Lallemant,” he said, and Lucas smiled back at him.

“It’s no Star Wars theme, but...” Lucas shrugged, non-verbally finishing the thought. Eliott kept looking at him and seemed to be thinking about what he was going to say next.

“Lucas, can I be honest with you?”

The question caught Lucas off guard, his heart hoping for the best but his brain thinking of worst case scenarios. He pushed those to the back of his mind, though, and nodded instead.

“I...am in so deep with you. The way I feel with you is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.”

“Eliott—“

“Forgive me if that’s super forward but...I have to tell you, I’d go nuts if I didn’t.”

“Can I be honest, too?”

“Sure.”

Lucas felt his heart beating in his ears, his nerves creeping up on him. Being with Eliott was the easy part. Having feelings for Eliott and sharing said feelings was the hard part.

“I really, really like you too,” he said finally, “more than anyone I’ve ever met. Ever.”

Several more beats passed between them, the silence becoming the loudest thing in the room. The tension was suddenly palpable, too, at least to Lucas, and every thought that passed through his brain became nothing but please kiss me, please kiss me, please kiss me.

As if able to hear Lucas’ thoughts, Eliott took hold of his face in his hands before leaning in, just close enough for Lucas to close his eyes for a moment. He opened them enough to look at him when nothing happened, and Eliott smiled just a little.

“Is it okay? To kiss you, is that okay?” he asked. Lucas scoffed, making Eliott laugh.

“Yes, obviously, please do,” he told him quietly, and in that moment, their lips met and Lucas felt whole.

It felt like Lucas had waited his whole life for this moment - the kiss that all the books he’s read and movies he’s seen in his life talked about. The kiss that had your skin thrumming with desire for more, that made life feel like a movie, like sparks were flying. That’s what it was like to kiss Eliott. It was better than he could ever imagine it being, and he wished he could bottle this feeling up and carry it with him everywhere at all times.

When Eliott pulled away, Lucas felt dizzy with it, slowly opening his eyes and his brain feeling like a bunch of exclamation points were going through it. Eliott started to smile, but Lucas leaned back in, kissing him one last time to make sure it was real.

“Fuck, I’m so in love with you,” Eliott whispered, and Lucas wanted to scream from the rooftops about this moment. He wanted to live in this moment and with this feeling for all time.

•••••••

Lucas woke up comfortably warm, almost too comfortably, swimming in clothes that were definitely not his own. The only sound in the room was the gentle hum of a fan and traffic passing outside, letting Lucas know he was not at his dorm. That, and the fact that the room was too big anyway. The bed was also dipping beside him and he turned his head to find a very sleep ridden Eliott laying beside him. Eliott looked like an angel, the sunlight hitting him in the most beautiful of ways. If Lucas was a photographer at all, he’d be trying to capture this moment.

“Time?” Lucas mumbled, and Eliott blindly grabbed his phone to look, squinting at how bright it was.

“9:17.”

“Jeez...”

“Good morning to you too,” Eliott laughed, and Lucas breathed deeply, snuggling closer to him. Eliott wrapped an arm around him and pressed a kiss to his forehead, not saying anything else.

“You’re thinking so loudly right now.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm. What?”

“Well...I’m lucky you’re here. Happy.”

“And?”

“I...have a proposition.”

“It’s 9:17 in the morning and you’re already using words like proposition? You’re unreal, Demaury.”

“Not the fact that I have one, just the word itself. You’re funny.”

“What’s your proposition?” he asked, looking up at him. Eliott continued to look up at his ceiling.

“My final. I want you in it. I want us to be in it.” Lucas made a curious noise, and Eliott continued. “I’ve struggled with a concept for months, like, since this course started, and I thought I had one. I really did. But I’m stuck with that and re-inspired, and...I want to do it on intimacy and human connection. I have to write a paper with it, so I wanna do that.”

Lucas sat up and looked at him, understanding what it had to do with him suddenly. Eliott looked at him, as if waiting for some kind of reaction.

“You hate it,” Eliott decided, and Lucas shook his head, running his hands through Eliott’s hair and smiling a little.

“No, just...intrigued, I guess. You’re makin’ a model out of me, Demaury, please just say you’re not putting us on a billboard.”

“No, no billboards,” he laughed, “just my professor. And the art panel at our school because they’re choosing one project to go in a gallery walk at the end of the semester.”

“Can we eat first? So I can think about it?”

“Of course. Please don’t be scared to tell me no, too, it’s okay,” Eliott insisted, grabbing one of his hands and pressing a kiss to the back of it. “It’s just a thought right now.”

“Okay.”

“Is now the time to tell you I’m the worst chef on planet Earth? Or should I have kept that in the vault?”

“In the vault, I’m out of here now,” he teased, and Eliott pulled the pillow from under his head and hit Lucas with it, making him laugh out loud.

taglist: @that-one-meh @a-french-disaster @fallout-of-my-chair @menamesniall @iamshannonmcfarland @yesyoutubeisruiningmylife @yackgrace @choupiauriant @xomywonderwallox @jacwena @awake-dreamer18 @noorakviigmohn @lost-inside-fantasy @myverybigmoodboard @ariavds @didntgowithgrace @laurenkmyers @sunshineyou27 @nanidice @orangefizz4 @blanxkey @bodizzy @q-branchminion-nr43 @nova-on-standbi @boysrunaway @anothergayhpblog @mlhalbertt @valenschmidt @skamchokehold @mostlysh1tposting @lucassdemaury @oceanicinception @yellowballoon @fallinglikeafoolforyou @bluronyourradar @painfully-oblivious @alwayskissmeatnight @katzen-kinder @howlingsaturn @luxandobscurus @anotherplaceintheuniverse @aly-kazam​ @quint-cssential

[archive link <3]

[PART ONE || TWENTY]

[tonyglowheart]

I genuinely don’t understand people who say aspecs are queer BUT NOT kinky people. If you’re into BDSM, if you’re polyamorous, if you’re celibate, if you’re hypersexual, if you’re in an interracial relationship. It’s all related. These are sexuality/relationship/lifestyles that don’t meet our society’s standards and are underrepresented or represented negatively and so i think they are all queer

Anon I am having thinky thoughts but also I lowkey don’t want to get into this too majorly bc I got into this several years back during said campaign I mentioned in the tags on that rb post lmfao and it resulted in a whole Thing and I like... don’t have the energy to get into internet arguments with people anymore because I’m old and tired and can’t deal with the back and forth of me making points, them ignoring the majority of my points in favor of some strawmen or appeal to extremes, me addressing that and also some points including maybe where they DO have a point about some facet I failed to consider but have now, them ignoring that and repeating their same talking points, me addressing their points again & pointing out their ad hominems that usually have come out at this point and other logical fallacies, them ignoring that to repeat- and ultimately, we’re kind of talking past each other and I’m mostly appealing to whatever audience might be around. (I think I might have priv’ed or deleted a bunch of posts from back then but some may still be up somewhere in my archive lmao.....). 

So on that kind of note I don’t... necessarily want to get into an argument or debate (not necessarily with you, possibly by some other anon passing through who is much more inclined to picking a fight with me about the Affront to Them Personally as well as the sanctity of the movement) on whether or not being kinky itself constitutes being “queer” per se bc I think the terminology is a sticking point and I do kind of see the perspective of “kink doesn’t make you automatically queer” **HOWEVER** yes I do also agree with that post I rbed that like kink/fur do rather constitute “queer subcultures” even though not every single person in there is LGBT+ in a more “traditional” sense - such as speaking more towards like sexual orientation & gender identity - and that these kinds of “alternative” lifestyles do present a “queering” (*a* queering) of ^ sexuality/relationships/lifestyles or whatever we might term that. And maybe that’s what I was struggling to articulate all those yrs ago lmao, when I was young and full of the energy of the Youthe and could get into internet arguments with ppl. The like respectability politics of trying to be sanitized enough to be “acceptable” to a hostile and rigid mainstream while alienating queer subcultures, which just results in the queer community at large cutting off parts of itself to try to be/remain “acceptable” but that just leads to self-harm to the community at large vs addressing more global/bigger picture issues.

Hrmmm okay I think what this whole issue of terminology and what gets to be called “queer” kind of gets to: they’re related, as you say, but that being varying shades or scopes of marginalized, but that doesn’t necessarily make it all “queer”? Because.... tbh I can see why the full-stop is a sticking point for people, and I do kind of think operationalized terms have more value when they ARE applied with scope instead of trying to generalize it too broadly, and queer does mean something quite specific (or.. maybe not specific, but rather that “queer” DOES have parameters, tho they may be more of like a soft-shaded parameter as opposed to some kind of hard fence)? 

But I do agree that usually a lot of the language people against various other kinds of marginalized identity aspects uses, mirrors, & parallels language used against other things, like language against queer people/queer relationships & interracial relationships, and that communities would be served better with solidarity rather than trying to excise or disavow other communities - ESPECIALLY communities which have a lot of overlap with the queer community and also are historical and current allies - in a futile attempt to be “respectable” enough for the hostile mainstream and its evermoving goalposts.

..But maybe I’m just quibbling a point here, because while I don’t know if I’d call kink/fur/etc “queer” and the term “queer subcultures” seems to fit better for me, this does point to “these subcultures have room within queer spaces and in fact were there at the inception of ‘queer spaces’ as we kind of conceive of it today in USmerica” (idk fur but the kink community was definitely there). And then this gets into a more philosophical question of “well if it belongs in queer spaces is it not then ‘queer.’” This may be a “this topic is complicated and multifaceted an these different arguments based on different needs and with different axes of foci can coexist.” Ultimately, I think it does come down to “exclusionary rhetoric against a marginalized identity/community - especially one that is aligned, if not overlapping or otherwise part of the “core community” at the heart of this issue - is more harmful than helpful because the goalposts of respectability will never stay put and the language used by the hegemony against one group often is reused/paralleled/mirrored in language against another marginalized group, and can very easily be turned again back against you.”

Speaking more towards the arguments re: the 'coming out' campaign backlash, like back then I was fairly active in the m/m romance GR community & more in touch with ppl who were part of kink communities who were part of the m/m GR comm, and like based on what they told me/we talked abt following the whole backlash against “coming out kinky,” is that ppl DO in fact lose their jobs get disowned get evicted etc if they're 'outed' as kinky. Which then directly parallels the vanilla queer experience. I think a sticking point back then was that 'born this way' rhetoric was more prevalent back then, and ppl see kink as more of a 'lifestyle choice' and less about something 'inherent', and also some ppl were just flat-out like 'um ew it's sexual harassment'. But I think if you look at various dynamics of kink there's like lifestyle kink which isn't necessarily inherently or always sexual so like I don't think it's automatically a sexual harassment thing, ig for me it's like... ppl reacting with SUCH backlash against the idea that kink could/should be allowed within the concept of queer spaces and that echoes that post about assassination of queer subcultures, and like coming out isn’t always “I fuck xx” or “I fuck in xx way,” like if you come out as gay you’re not necessarily describing in explicit detail to your mother the ways fuck, you know? I think for me the “coming out” thing also was kind of like... is it safe for you for people to find out x aspect about you? And I do rather think there’s greater hostility towards these kinds of subcultures, which would then perhaps elicit or illustrate a reason why we might want to normalize or educate people better on what exactly constitutes the precepts of the subculture, vs whatever popular idea of it is prevailing at the time?

..I think ultimately we go back again to “this topic is complicated because there’s many intersectional issues as well as competing needs so there’s not a one-size-fits-all ‘answer’ to the questions/issues brought up”

[tammyhybrid21]

Tadeo and Internalized Ableism

Well… this…

Wasn't actually the next post I planned to make next for this fandom, but well, since Tumblr deleted an old post of mine, right when I decided I was going to scream and share that OC again… Well, it lead into a discussion that I had sort of-- half started and stopped a few times, and now here I am… And… this will be a lot, sooo--

"What is with You?"

Let's see if I can shed some light on this.

So first… to catch up the uninitiated… I have, by this point cemented my belief that Tadeo is quite likely Autistic himself(Read that post here). So now alongside the rather more obvious Autism that Mummy displays we have Tadeo-- Tadeo, who has one character trait/flaw that keeps coming up and that I would personally like to dissect along with some extra reflection on some of his actions in the sequel and the hints given to us in the little animated/stylized growing up sequence for Tadeo…

So to start…

What's the trait/flaw…

Well, it's even looking to be the BIG ONE for the next Movie. Tadeo seeks the validation and respect of his peers, but always falls short.

Tad would love for his archaeologist colleagues to accept him as one of their own, but he always messes everything up.

Or else turns them against him... Which... Okay, this is something that we've actually seen as a rule for him, from the opening credits of Movie 1. And even from his Construction Worker peers... Although we didn't really see it so much in movie 2, buuut--

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOqolHchI6Y&t=6s

Let's start this analysis off properly with this, and the symbolism re: Maladaptive Daydreaming in this whole little introductory to Tadeo sequence here from the first movie.

Which okay, look, I know it might not seem like much. But in the greater context, well. There's actually a lot of information that we can unpack in this short introduction, and points one and two I would like to make are the ones with Young Tadeo in the school "classroom". Because here's the thing...

That-- That's a familiar place. And it's an unfortunate thing, but-- Just how it's framed here--

I... can't really say anything 100% on this... but this feels much too close to daydreaming away Public humiliation. Like, look, okay-- it's all too common, but public shaming for one reason or another. Being too dumb/distracted, or if you're stimming in class-- and I have... many feelings about Tadeo and potentially supressing his stims-- but these scenes in this opening hit really close to how it feels--

And again, maladaptive daydreaming in general is this WHOLE sequence.

Soooo why does this matter in the context of this discussion? Well, let's ask why, this all would be happening. And the answer is going to be very simple. The same reason at the start of movie 1, one of the first scenes we see is a pair of boys teasing/mocking Tadeo in his front garden dig site.

"You'll never find anything"

"Loser"

Which-- isn't much, but for the context of the scene. This is our introduction-- and even in the sequel, we know he's still teased over his interest in Archaeology-- it's seen as a "loser hobby". Which I think also brings me to the next point of the moments in the opening...

JEFF! Give him a puppy since nobody wanted to be the weird kid's friend. It's not even a proper balm really. And possibly might have incidentally caused some other issues, but I don't think I could really explain or give those things justice... So instead... I'm just going to finish this section with a point of note.

How many times must Tadeo have gotten punished for being "distracted" or "not paying attention" in the classroom. How many times would he have been punished for stimming?! I really do wonder, and if anything else, how many classes must he have daydreamed away to escape from the stress and pressure of reality? Hell, we still see him as an adult stress daydreaming--

With the consequences of getting fired...

Which okay, none of this actually makes my point. So-- I want to draw attention to the behaviour in the sequel that really annoyed me, along with a friend who I watched both movies with. It's just the behaviour that's there throughout the whole movie-- best summed up as... not appreciating company... BUT

On that actually--

I would like to bring up one expression early on that gives me MANY EMOTIONS.

And it's the one up above, as the preview image to this post. Specifically this face:

Now... I don't know about you, or anyone else. But THAT'S a thousand yard stare if I have ever seen one. But additionally. I have, a much, much too in depth reading on this expression. Like, so far in depth it's not even funny.

There's a sense of fear, long stare, the small twitch in the frown as if guilt-- and then because it's literally on the heels of "stop drawing attention" (the first occurrence of that line as well)... And just-- you get flashback sense. Also I would like to comment on the movement in this scene, in how his hands are on the wheel the small twitches and quirk in his expression... it's as if--

As if...

Well. Look, considering the precursor scene. And listen. WE ALL want to do what Mummy done in that prior scene!

Same Mummy! SAME!

But-- I would like to talk about sequencing and the emotions in when and how Tadeo drags him in... there's a moment I really can't quite catch properly... between it, but--

This frown... this thinky frown... and the line draw-- Tadeo? Is that guilt mulling over a decision? And there is a double glance, but that's not something I can catch in screenshots, and I don't know how to make Gifs... but the following sequence and expressions and I just can't with my emotions and what kind of feeling Tadeo gives me here.

It just...

I really want to know what he's thinking.

So... let's talk about this expression. I don't know if it's just me, but again, there is... a sense of-- well almost upset for being a "kill joy". Bursting Mummy's bubble... Popping his fun. And considering we have ALL been there and wanted to stick our heads out the window--

BUT--

Why is this a detail I would like to bring up... well it comes into how Tadeo explains things. Mummy scares people, he's different, a Zombie in their world... which yeah, that's fair... BUT! After so many rewatches... and remembering that promise... promise sealed with such an important object to Tadeo--

I just have a lot of thoughts... and I don't think it's really easy to explain, but I would like to draw back to a background detail in the sequel again...

In relation...

And... as an Aside. Specifically... the promise made... or what Mummy asked in Movie 1.

"If I let you go, could you guarantee me you'll let us live in peace?"

Also, I know this seems arbitrarily related... But I do wonder if some of Tadeo's pushing Mummy aside, stop drawing attention, you need better disguises... I do wonder, really wonder if it's actually because of this promise... misguided and maladapted maybe buuut-- it would make some sense in the context of how there is always something in the background of those moments that Tadeo is just worrying about.

BUT

That's only speculation, and not even one that holds up in relation to some of the worst offence moments of Tadeo's problematic behaviour...

And thus... let us enter into the realm of problem projecting... and with some bonus from Tiffany and how she makes this dynamic juuust that touch more clear on rewatches along with my own talk about this particular topic.

As a minor note, this scene actually doesn’t have much. But I kind of get... more specifically this grumpy dad/parental friend from Tad's expression. And considering. "I told you to wait in the car!" BUT ALSO, I just want to note how Sara is less worried in this scene. More if this is happening-- Tad's worry, again could be the promise...

But more specifically... There's a lot in Mummy's body language and appearance aside what he is-- the truth of his origin aside... he does not fit in... and it's specifically the outfit, breaking the "rule" that Tadeo worries about... drawing attention and eyes... and considering the next image set I want to talk about... I have emotions, but it's very messy, and kind of scrambled.

I have... a number of statements I could make on this one... but number one, exactly what the dialogue here actually is... And where that worry is coming from. Tadeo... isn't actually scared of Tiffany here realizing what Mummy is... I think that cat's long out the bag... but there's something else.

"Your friend is a bit weird"

"You have no idea"

Sooo... there's a lot of scenes here... and a few more, but I really, really want to talk about something. For a lot of this... Tadeo is really the only one who has an expression of worry, or fear, or anything that's similar. Tadeo's the one worried.

Mummy is bopping out, I can't really get a good shot of the dress, but again, Mummy... isn't really bothered or anything. Tiffany is also the only one who really has a weirded out reaction... but that actually strengthens the point I'm going to make about what this feels like more than anything else... And I suppose we can touch base on the queer aspect on that note but really--

For a lot of this stuff...

Tadeo's issue is drawing attention. But for the other part of it... I want to point to Tiffany's reaction and even much later... how the villain identifies him.

Also Tadeo's reaction in the last one is... arguably the worst of all his reactions. Like, I have-- many emotions on a lot of his reactions but just-- Tadeo is not in a good place right now...

"Are you serious WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

Which... hmmm, now, where have I heard that before? Where have any of us heard that one before? In fact-- Tadeo... his reaction to ALL of this is telling.

Like... aside the Tiffany thing... which also her whole "It's official, your friend is a total FREAK" has some baggage... does anyone else look at all these scenes and get that...

"I'm THIS close to a panic attack" feeling? Also, on that note, I would like to point out there's just... so, so much worry from Tadeo when it comes to the Super Cookie scene, again not something I can really capture in just screenshots. BUT--

BUT--

This brings me to the big point. Mummy by this point is basically masking/mimicking Tad to fit in. Since Tadeo has shot down, all of his disguises... and-- Tadeo's response, has always been that fear. But here, there's an outright anxiety. Which again this could be covered/passed as him being-- well, anxious over his promise. But there's also MASSIVE ANXIETY with the Super Cookie scene, more than I can really capture without the animation... but...

Let's talk about projecting issues.

And specifically.

"A total FREAK"

Now... here's the thing. Again. Mummy throughout the WHOLE movie has been, pretty much dropping the mask. He's going wild and having fun being himself and happy... but-- for that he's pretty much been shut down at every turn... MOSTLY by Tadeo pre-emptively... but... I want to point out something...

This is... Such a small interaction... but it is SUPER telling.

Tiffany is... an issue. Because here's the thing. Part of her reaction, might actually be bleed through from how Tadeo's been in this WHOLE situation. Which, again there is a lot for me to unpack and talk about... But my biggest lynchpin and realization moment... for what's going on... is that scene with Mummy dressing up and mimicking Tadeo...

And more or less picking on Tad's insecurities.

WHICH-- underhanded, BUT IT POINTS OUT A RECONTEXUALIZATION POINT.

Because here's the thing... Tadeo... Stifles those things.

"I would never! I'M NOTHING LIKE THAT!"

And then the sheer panic with Jeff, and the super cookie, and what if?

Let's go back to this for a moment:

Now... for a moment... imagine... a kid...

No friends. Just a dog. Jeff is... Tadeo's security blanket, and possibly one of his only friends. People only seem to tolerate Tad at best. He's still bullied and teased and mocked and--

And--

And can never do things right. A screw up. So he stifles his stims... like seriously. Go watch when he does his happy dance, and see how long it lasts-- and then see this:

And there are moments from the first movie as well, buuut-- He IMMEDIATELY stifles it when he catches himself... and I know something about stifling stims... sooo how is the relevant... well... I would like to propose that fear anxiety/overprojection idea.

Tadeo is scared... Scared not even necessarily of Mummy's identity being out... but of how people will react... AND Let's talk of something else...

Considering what's been revealed about a certain Descubre con Tadeo scene... Mummy knows... and he's aware... and that's internalized... but... There's a BIGGER issue with Tadeo... He's... not just embarrassed by his own stims and actions and his own "oddness"

But that's bleeding over to what looks like projected embarrassment and shame and a deep, deep fear, in regards to how he interacts and works with Mummy. And I know this is big brain and heavy... but Mummy's side of things...

Small and subtle. "Weirdo like me!"

Tadeo, has gone to trying to be normal, and while Mummy feels it, he owns it.

Which... brings me to the end of this whole thing. But not fully, because there is... a small thing more. For all Tadeo has been a DISASTER throughout the whole thing. Overprojected worry that just reeks of that second hand embarrassment projection... Tadeo proves he cares in a small moment that I don't think people would think too much about...

Not in front of a crowd, and he still needs a smack...

LIKE A SERIOUS ONE.

Like, look, for all Tadeo has been a disaster projecting issues friend... he does care, and this moment subtly reminds that. ALONG with that it IS projected worries and issues. And... Internalized ableism that makes him embarrassed. Of himself, and more, of how free Mummy is acting with his own neurodivergent behaviours. Tadeo is... a mess.

And...

Now I need to circle back for a moment.

Because here's the thing. Tadeo might not be doing this, mostly because I don't think he's a writer, but the point of call that made this post... was me getting excited about sharing an OC...

Specifically...

My smurfs OC... one who I made a post on back in 2017, that has now been deleted... and I will not be reposting it... but if you want the details... I turned it into a doc for sharing... But... the biggest thing is... the logic behind making this character, and giving them the name they have had up until recently was... Internalized Ableism and trying to deal with bullying... Also not everything in that document is even accurate anymore...

But hey, kudos to me in 2017 for trying to explain it.

But...

"Call a self-insert [Insult] because it made the word hurt a little less(it's only the truth right?)"

This is Mummy's approach... while Tadeo... tries to be normal, normal, and shun it to the point he hurts himself. And... inadvertently hurts others around him as well...

I will probably make a few smaller clarification posts later, since this is practically 2700 words and I feel like I've only barely explained it, but really, how can you even explain this properly? It's just one of those nuances...

But yeah... internalized ableism and the beast it is making relationships and talk hard... even between two neurodivergent icons of characters.

[sophygurl]

Okay I am done with the panel write-up posts and I apologize to all my followers who don’t give a fuck about that kinda thing but WisCon is a big part of my life so I get to totally indulge in it once a year so there. [For anyone wondering this amazing con I keep going on about is a feminist Sci-fi/fantasy con right in my home town and I’ve been going for close to ten years now and it’s like HOME to me]

Gonna post some about the panels I was on, my general con experience this year, and some other stuff under this next read more thingum here. It’ll be more of a personal post than the others. Anything else I write now will be more about fandom-ey stuff that I got up in my feels about and need to hash out. 

BTW though. Hi new followers!! If you’re coming to me due to WisCon specifically or due to my write-up of THAT panel, feel free to introduce yourselves. I use tumblr the most frequently with twitter and FB being a sort of tie for second and DW much more rarely just as an FYI. I’m sophygurl everywhere but FB which is my real name. I’m easily findable and love talking to people! 

So my panels this year were all very different in tone and experience, but all went pretty well? I had fun anyway? I had 4 panels about TV in some way or another and one about Star Wars. Some hinged on serious-ish topics, but I wasn’t on any Serious Business panels this year. 

I wrote up a crap-ton of panel ideas and a lot of them got through. So many that panels I wrote up and wanted to go to were often up against one another and I had to make lots of choices. But it feels really good to me to be involved in that way - in writing up panels, and in being on them, and in going to them and taking notes and writing them up after. There is a lot that I CAN’T do for the con due to my disability stuff. But this is stuff I both can do and enjoy doing so it works out well. I also volunteered to a few people to write up panel descriptions from ideas they have but don’t have fleshed out, so that’s an exciting new thing for me to try out.  So but yea, all five of the panels I was on were panels I also wrote up. 

My first panel was about Women Loving Women on TV. It was me, another panelist, and the moderator. I was a little worried about this panel because the moderator said she was put on the panel by mistake and doesn’t even have a TV (she did fine as a mod - not all mods have to also partake in the talking, they can just ask questions of the panelists), and the other panelist never contacted either of us or showed up for the panel.

Fortunately, I am a well-prepared panelist and felt comfortable talking about this subject for the whole 75 minutes. But then the panel was scheduled against a panel on a similar topic and so anyway - three people showed up for the panel. Fortunately they were kinda fun and engaged people so it became more of a conversational panel than a formal presentation kind and I think it went well? This was my only panel this weekend that I wasn’t the moderator of. 

My next panel was about intersectionality on TV. I was also a lil worried about this one because it was just me and one other panelist, although we had some good chats online before the con so I wasn’t too worried. Fortunately, she convinced a friend to come sit on the panel with us so there was three of us - and both of my panelists had lots of awesome things to contribute. We also had a decent size panel for an evening time slot and got the audience involved too. I pulled one of my goofball tricks and made the audience do a lightning round question of a show they think does intersectionality well and everyone was able to come up with something, which was fun.

Right after that was my panel about SFF sitcoms which was a blast. This was even later in the evening, so we were all really punchy! It was me, a good friend, and another panelist I knew casually before. We wanted lots of audience participation and we got it - getting so many more recommendations than any of the 3 of us had even considered. And since it was a panel about comedies, we really just kinda relaxed and had fun with it.

That was all Friday. Big Day for me.

Saturday night, again a late night slot, I had my Bisexual Representation in TV and Film panel. This one I was not too worried about because I was asked to hand-staff it, since I had strongly suggested the panel be filled with Bi+ folks. So most of the panel was people I already knew and had paneled with before but also I snagged a couple of people I hadn’t previously talked to but who were also awesome.

The panel was in a large room and was fairly full, which I thought was really neat. I had a lot of my own notes on the subject, and did go off on a huge bit about the amazingness of Sara Ramirez and her two bisexual characters, but I also knew from previous convos that my fellow panelists had a lot of interesting things to say and they did not disappoint. It seemed like the audience had a lot of fun and the # for the program was pretty lively, so that’s always a good feeling.

Sunday afternoon was the panel I was MOST excited about. It was all about the themes of The Last Jedi. Like how cool is that? A whole panel not just about the movie in general, but specifically about the THEMES of the movie?! I was pumped that this panel even got through, much less that I got to be on it, much less that I got to moderate it.

And let me tell you something. My panelists? Were amazeballs. Like, the email convos we had ahead of time were already so smart and so nuanced and so full of different ideas and perspectives I was like !!!

And the panel went SO WELL. Like, there was such an equal exchange of like flow and information going back and forth. I feel like I really organized my own thoughts and questions for my panelists well and we all spent the whole panel making grabby hands for the mic because we were all so excited to respond to one another’s thoughts. 

It was FUN and THINKY and I could tell the audience was really engaged and we all laughed and discussed and disagreed and laughed more and it was probably the best time I have ever had on a panel. The #TLJThemes on twitter is just chock-full of both quotes from my awesome panelists and thinky-thoughts from the very smart audience who I sadly did NOT end up having time to get questions or comments from because literally the moment we finally had a pause of any kind? It was right on the dot time for the panel to end LOL. 

So yea, wow, that was just exhilarating? IDK, I am such a nerd.

But yea, so I had everything from 3 audience members to packed rooms and no fellow panelists to crowded tables of excited panelists struggling to get a word in and everything in between and I feel sort of confident that I did well with all of it? So that’s neat. 

Last year I didn’t moderate any of my panels and I found I really missed it, which is why I volunteered to do more moderating this year and it was a Good Life Choice and I plan to do more of it in the future. I adore WisCon for being the kind of place that a basic nobody like myself who has done nothing with her life besides watch a crapton of television can sit on panels and moderate panels and contribute to panels and do things like this that I enjoy and feel like am good at and it’s just such a good. *cuddles the general idea of WisCon*

And beyond the panels - both that I attended and sat on - I had a really wonderful con this year. I was very social and decided to get over my awkwardness and just kinda Utilize my awkwardness because, like, we’re all geeks here so just stop worrying and be a dork and have fun and it worked? I talked to so many people, introduced myself to so many people, made so many connections, hung out more specifically with some of my favorite people, and just sort of made sure to hang out in public spaces and smile a lot and that helped? Who knew. 

There were really only just the three bumps in my otherwise good experience.

1. The panel. If you didn’t already see about this, I attended a panel that very unfortunately derailed into Nazi apologism and it was super gross and upsetting but lots of people spoke up against the panelist in question and the con acted quickly to ban her and are continuing to discuss if she can ever come back so at least that part is good but UGH UGH UGH that was so gross.

2. My laptop broke on me. Fortunately, I have amazing friends and the one I was rooming with doesn’t use hers a ton so she let me use it a lot so I didn’t have to be off-twitter much because a lot of the con happens in the twitter tags and I would have been very sad to miss out on that. I got home and my other amazing friend and roomie helped me get my laptop into the shop quickly and it’s back now which is a huge relief because as a mostly homebound and frankly mostly sofabound extrovert? I need my laptop. I NEED my Laptop. 

3. Life with chronic illness sadly does not stop when you are at an event you love. Even when you save up all your spoons, and spend weeks building up your stamina after a winter of mostly hibernating, and use all of your meds, and allow yourself more caffeine and different foods than usual, and work really hard on self-care. Still, you are chronically ill. 

I am able to push myself a LOT at WisCon because of how it fuels me socially and intellectually and creatively and in so many other ways. But that still only goes so far. And especially with having two late nights on panels - I did not make it to any parties or other late night social events this year. Nor did I make any early morning panels - and there were some I really Really wanted to go to. 

But that’s life and I still got to cram SO MUCH in and spent lots of time in the hot tub soaking and also having poolcon with some amazing folks and had lobbycon and actually made time to have meal/snack times with people instead of just the usual “we should totally make sure to ...”

There were a lot of people I only saw briefly or missed entirely that I’d have loved to have had more time with, but I guess when we finally invent the time turners I can have all that plus go to ALL the panels. 

Oh! And I did go to an amazing reading this year. I often skip readings but I knew a bunch of the people at this one and adore them so I went and it made me feel and think a lot of things and adore these people even more, so there’s that. 

And PHEW I think that’s it. I have tons of thoughts about like, found family and female friendships and stuff mostly about my own amazing platonic poly tribe - some of whom come along to WisCon with me and we get to like BE together in shared living space and then go off and have our own adventures and bond with other people and then introduce one another to those people and it just enhances the whole thing and YAY MY PEOPLE. And uh, yea, one of said peoples who sadly no longer lives in the area just came back over to my place from our other friend’s house and is only going to be here for another day and a half so I’m gonna go run off and spend time with her while I can. 

[miasswier]

Some thinky thoughts about That Post because everyone seems to be posting theirs and I feel left out

Look, I’m not going to lie, I reblogged that post. I related to that post. I think it’s fantastic that so many people didn’t have that fandom experience, and honestly, I wish I hadn’t. But I did. I followed too liberally when I first joined tumblr and was far too reticent to unfollow, which means that I saw it all. The ship wars. The character wars. The hate. Any shitty thing that happened in fandom between seasons two and four, I was there for it, watching from the sidelines, only marginally getting involved every now and then (though those small involvements usually ended with either someone telling me to kill myself or someone harassing me through asks for multiple days). I saw the rise and fall of popular tumblr users and fanfic writers. People jumped ship, then jumped back, then changed their mind again. Up was down and down was up, and honestly, it wasn’t until I realized that it didn’t have to be this way that my experience with fandom changed.

Now? I love being in the Glee fandom. But that’s because I have a very selective number of Glee blogs that I follow, and I am no longer reticent to unfollow. In fact, I’m almost too trigger happy with the unfollow button. I love every mutual I have from the Glee fandom, I love every Glee post that comes my way. I have xkit so I can block the few posts that come my way that I don’t agree with or seem too aggressive. I will probably be a part of the Glee fandom until I die (sorry to those of you that hate me lmao) because I love this goddamn show, and I’ve managed to find a group of people who love it just as much as I do.

The funny thing is that when I changed my tumblr dash, my view of Glee changed, too. There were dozens of times that I almost stopped watching the show, that it became too much, all because of the fandom. Around the end of season four is when I started to re-vamp my dash, when I became really quick to unfollow and really hesitant to follow new blogs. And you know what? Seasons five and six were amazing to me. I still consider them to be my favourite seasons of Glee, because my fandom experience was so goddamn positive during that time.

But you know what else? My view of past seasons has started to change, too. Characters I couldn’t stand (Marley in particular, but also Rachel, Brittany, Finn, Artie) are characters I’m growing more attached to. With every re-watch, I fall harder for stories that used to annoy the fuck out of me. I’ve started to listen to more of the music because I used to hate certain songs on principal and wasn’t able to appreciate how amazing they are because I just didn’t want to. I used to despise Brittana, and now it’s my second favourite ship. I couldn’t stand Rachel, and even though I still struggle with her sometimes, I can see the good in her even when she’s being obnoxious. Even the season four newbies don’t annoy me as much as they used to (I recently re-watched 4x12 and found myself feeling tiny tugs of emotion about the Jarley scenes, which in the past have only made me roll my eyes and pull out my phone in an instant).  When my fandom experience changed, my view of the show changed. It went from a guilty pleasure I couldn’t quit to something I am proud to love. I’m not embarrassed when I tell people Glee is my favourite show. I love that fucking show. Of course there are issues with it, and I’ll be the first to point those issues out, but I still fucking adore it. It’s my show, and it’s so special to me, and let me tell you, it’s so much more rewarding to watch the show and actually enjoy it for what it is, instead of counting down the scenes until Kurt and Blaine share a look again (another reason why I enjoy the show a lot more lately is that I no longer force myself to re-watch awful episodes in the spirit of a full re-watch. I know which ones I can’t stand, and I just skip them. Seriously, it’s made my most recent re-watch so incredible). I know I wouldn’t feel this way if it weren’t for my current fandom experience.

But all that being said, I still lived what that post was talking about. I saw the shit, I lived through the shit, I learned from the shit (though I will admit that I backslide sometimes if I don’t have the spoons to remind myself that I’ve already been through this a thousand times I should know better by now). Someone once told me to burn my face off, and then someone reblogged my response (which was aimed at a specific section of fandom, which I know the person who sent the ask hailed from) telling me I was being rude and judging an entire section unfairly because they weren’t the only people who hated mia. So, like, I think it’s absolutely amazing that people on here have managed to avoid all the bullshit and feel really protective of the fandom space that they’ve created for themselves, but honestly, the large majority of the Glee fandom experience was what that post entailed. We followed the wrong people, we allowed ourselves to be sucked into the madness, and it wasn’t good.

You know what, though? That wasn’t Glee’s fault, and none of this is specific to the Glee fandom. You think Glee invented toxic fandom spaces? PLEASE. Toxic fandom has existed since day one. You take anything that people feel passionate about and put them in close vicinity with someone who feels that same passion but in a different, potentially opposite way, things are bound to get volatile. Glee isn’t even the worst I’ve experienced. Yeah, it was a mess, but to act like it was the catalyst to everything that is wrong with the internet is unfair. I mean, for goodness sake, one of the few things that everyone in the Glee fandom could agree on was that it annoyed us that people kept forgetting we were a fandom. We had a huge presence on tumblr, but we were always ignored. How the hell could we have sparked the internet revolution? How could we have popularized the use of the word “problematic”? Everyone wrote us off as a joke because our show was seen as a joke. Don’t try and pin all of tumblr’s problem’s on us.

Also, it is important to note that the person who made that post is a Brittana shipper, and therefore their fandom experience was most likely self-contained to Brittana. I mean, for goodness sake, the post mentions HeYa, but ignores CrissColfer, which is probably the most active section of fandom still left (though don’t get me started on that). A lot of the posts I’ve seen in response to this post are coming from Klaine fans, who will obviously have different experiences with the fandom than this person did. And I mean, really, do I even need to point out the obvious that everyone’s experience in fandom is different?

I really wish I could be one of those people annoyed at that post because that wasn’t my experience. I wish I had followed the right people from the start. I wish I’d known better. I wish my first three years in fandom were as amazing as the past four years have been (and jfc have I really been on this dumbass website for that long?!). But it wasn’t, and that post really reflected a huge part of my fandom experience. I’m so thankful, though, to read posts by people whose fandom experience is not reflected by that. I’ve loved every one of those posts that’s come across my dash. And I especially love that I only saw the original post once, but have seen at least four or five posts talking about positive Glee experiences instead.

I love this fandom, even with it’s messy history. And, more importantly, I love this show, and will continue to love it until the literal day that I die.

[coshayphinelove]

just some thinky thoughts after i wrote a tag essay that got way bigger than the tags.  feel free to read if you want, but forewarning... i have more questions after writing than before so..

so before i start anything i’d like to clarify that i love ob.  most of my issues with it are bc i got my hopes too high and held the creators to the standards i hold myself, which is not fair in art.  also, i’m only talking about the ob team and the characters, not the fans.  don’t get all in a twist, this is just me... thinkin.

so ep 5 was great.  2013 me would have loved it.  but 2017 me is like.. hard into communication and explicitly labelled representation.  and cophine is neither of those things.  like... i can understand that there’s not enough time to linger on stuff the way i would want to.  i get it.  but like... there was enough time to linger on alison.  for five seasons.  the first time she ever did anything main plot-moving was this season, she was always almost completely seperate.  she got flashbacks out the wazoo to explain her entire life story.  we met her mom.  her monitor is redeemed.  

i just am very unhappy with the doling of screen time.  like... it’s not even about shipping anymore.  it’s about plot holes and i am genuinely confused about the story at this point.  like delphine and donnie are easily comparable characters.  donnie monitored alison for close to a decade.  lied to her for a decade.  once he found out about the clones started doing things without alison’s knowledge or consent.  he is forgiven.  almost immediately.  for everything. 

delphine lasted as a monitor about... a month?  she was so bad at lying that cosima caught her.  she immediately came clean.  then in the flashback begged cosima to believe that she would always protect her.  and yet?  the conflict surrounding delphine for the entire show is ~is she good or bad???~.  and at every turn she is keeping that promise while making and keeping other promises.  and everybody, including her love interest keeps throwing her mistakes in her face.

donnie gets side plots and new dynamics to explore.  delphine has to have all of her characterization as a subset of cosima’s screen time.  donnie gets a seat at the bubbles table, delphine does not.  she has to leave and get shot (a whole different rant of equal length).

on another note, alison and cosima are also easily comparable characters: side characters used to provide info for sarah to react to.  cosima’s safety is always at risk, she’s been boiled down to her love interest for several plots, and she doesn’t ever get to acknowledge her Very Obvious PTSD and abandonment issues.  alison has low stakes conflict (up until this season, but that’s already over), she is never boiled down to donnie’s wife, and we got to watch her parse through her issues in s2 in great detail.  

like even the flashbacks.  like alison got half her episode told in flashbacks and it was gorgeous.  i by no means wanted that when there’s so much going on but i thought we would get at least a little more.  

we met alison’s parent.  we hear about her in a natural and very not forced way.  cosima gets one very long line about her family very late in the game in a clunky and almost pointless way.  (like... why was it in there?  what purpose did it serve?)

i think the problem is subtext.  everybody is always talking about the subtext.  but the problem is there are several issues that the writer’s address almost explicitly.  like alison’s drinking problem.  we learned all about that and we cheered for her when she went to rehab and we we sad when she relapsed. with cosima it’s.... two instances of smash cuts of bad memories and her reacting to them.  ......*gestures with flailing arms* ISN’T THAT ALSO IMPORTANT???  

like.  i’m going to keep talking about delphine but.. that’s just where my head is rn..

but from s1 to s2 her arc was learning what her role would be in clone club and then how to do that.  and she made some big huge strides there.  and then she comes back for s3 and it’s gone.  she’s just.. not doing that anymore?  like they took the time to film her telling cosima immediately after she messed up that she had, in fact, messed up.  and then, what, a few days later she Can’t Tell Cosima Anything Anymore?  and don’t get on me about screen time here.  it could’ve been like.. 2 more lines.  “it’s not safe, they’ll hurt you.”  “b-but delphine??” “i’m sorry.”  LIKE?  they just wanted the drama of cosima not knowing.   which i can see wanting, but it didn’t end up working.  because then you had scenes showing delphine doing things for clone club.  so then... it was just.... confusing?  and imo drawn out for too long.  

but even to this day I, a delphine stan, am still kind of iffy.  she literally made an ultimatum (promise me, everyone.  you will never make an ultimatum in your romantic/sexual/platonic relationships.  that’s a manipulation tactic that a lot of abusers use.  slippery slope please don’t do it.)(i’m also not saying that delphine is an abuser or that you’re an abuser but just.. it’s a thing to be careful of.)  

“accept our toxic relationship as is or leave.”

IN WHAT WORLD IS THAT OKAY??? like i get the sentiment behind it.  like she was saying, ‘hey cosima i know i’ve been bad but like you don’t have to stay if you don’t want.  i’ll stop kissing you and everything.’  but then....  have her say that?  everything delphine ever says to cosima is wrapped in 3 levels of subtext.  or alternatively, cut the kissies in half and let them have a few lines about a new promise or something.  idk if that’s just her being extra or if that’s just.... the writers.

bc the creators... bless them.. they’re trying.  but when it comes down to it they were predominantly straight men.  and they did add tatiana as an executive producer which is like.. the head idea guy who tell the writers what to write.  which was awesome!  but like.. she’s straight (as far as we know).  so like.. i really don’t want to pull the sexuality card here.  but i think i am.  

bc it’s one thing if you don’t give romantic, mental health, or communication plot lines very much time.  it’s another if you give a straight couple plenty and a wlw couple scraps.  it’s one thing if the straight couple gets to delve into things multiple times and the wlw couple gets ten seconds before the plot needs to keep going.

i get that the cosima-centric ep was very plot heavy, stuff was happening, i get it.  but like... if you cared about giving good rep as much as you claim you do wouldn’t you... re-structure so that they have more than 10 seconds?  wouldn’t you sacrifice some of that oh so dearly beloved body horror to let them just... talk for a hot sec?  or let them be in the same room?

i know it’s hard work.  the longest original work i’ve ever finished is a 30 page script.  and even then it’s a lot of ‘is this dialogue working?’  ‘would that character say that?’ ‘that’s a plot hole’  ‘wait where is he going again?’  i get that there’s a lot to keep track of so like... knowing who cosima’s parents are wasn’t on a post-it note on the beat board.  but i just...  one of the questions i always ask myself is ‘is this healthy?’  so like... i always make sure that if the dynamic isn’t then i either address it somewhere else or change it so it is.

i don’t think they were asking themselves that.

bc straight guys are used to power balances in their relationships.  they’re used to ultimatums.  whether it’s in their life or in fiction, that’s what they see.  and they’re socialized to see that as normal.  so when they’re made aware that the media they’re making is feminist/progressive, these guys seemed like they did research and tried to make it more so.  but... they missed the mark.  bc straight men will never know what it’s like to be a wlw or a woman.  that’s just how it works.

and then.. like... they were so hyperaware of the fans and what they wanted.  and i think the thing they understood the best was that they wanted cophine kisses.  bc a lot of ppl wanted that and like...ppl who are cophine critical sometimes also want cophine kisses.  so that’s the loudest thing they heard/saw. and instead of doing the emotional work and the plot work they thought every scene had to have kisses.

and they also knew that they could always fill in the gaps at panels.  WHICH.  not canon if you say it at a panel y’all.  they knew the fans would spread their patches all over the place.  so instead of doing the work and explicitly taking a stand they just.. let people ask them questions so they knew what people were wondering about and then...... answered.

i don’t think they did any of this maliciously but like.. the whole drama surrounding sarah’s sexuality, the great debate of whether it was problematic or not.  like... knowing now that they didn’t intend it to come off as her lashing out and having a mental breakdown helps, but.... that’s still what it looked like at first glance.  and if i’m just a DVR viewer who doesn’t meticulously stalk everything ob online, i wouldn’t know that.  and they do that with delphine’s intentions a lot.  they do it with sexuality a lot.  they do it with gender a lot.  and it’s like.... it’s representation but... label-less to the masses.  like my dad was in the room when sarah was kissing a girl and he made some snide comment about it.  and it’s like... they were just too aware of fans that they gave them what they wanted (sarah kissing a girl/cophine kisses) without thinking about if was the healthy thing for the moment.  they didn’t think about the ramifications.

and it’s just so frustrating.  bc i love this show, i do.  there’s so much to talk about and so many themes and allegories and cool stuff.  but they just... do a lot of stuff that..... really grinds my gears.  like this isn’t even a comprehensive list.

[suzie-guru]

Suzie’s Thinky Thoughts on “Beauty and the Beast” (2017)

OKAY. So I do believe I’ve calmed down enough to assemble my thoughts more coherently/eloquently, but guys, I am just damn pleased over my reaction and experience with this movie, I was SO apprehensive...

First of all, I wanna just preface this post with saying that “Beauty and the Beast” (1991) is My Heart. I say that is because my favorite film of all time just doesn’t cut it. So when I saw the trailers for this, I was enormously excited, but also incredibly apprehensive because...well, it was adapting My Heart. I wondered over how it would hold, what changes they would do.

Y’all saw my reactions/thoughts on the changes with the Beast’s appearance/design and their take on Belle’s gown. Y’all know how I reacted over those, so you know that I had some apprehensions, and they were ones that other held too. 

And yet, there was/is nothing that this movie would do would change the fact that the original is my best beloved and the classic of my soul. I went into the movie theater knowing that no matter what, I would always and evermore prefer the original, but NOT in a way that set me up to pre-belittle/begrudge the adaption. I wanted to see what they would do, and I was excited for it. 

And having said all of that, I WAS SO INCREDIBLY AND PLEASANTLY SURPRISED WITH JUST HOW MUCH I LIKED/LOVED THIS MOVIE. 

Like, okay, to prove a point/get it out of the way, here are the things I did not like/wish they had differently, BECAUSE THERE ARE SO FEW OF THEM: 

The design of the Beast. I still think they could have done heavier brows and nose and really make it look like the original design (although apparently, they were drawing on Jean Cocteau’s take for The Beast, which is...okay? Like, it explains why Beast had a lion tail instead of his wolf tail). The Disney Beast is just SO iconic and perfect - it’s what I think of when I picture the Beast no matter WHAT version I’m reading, and I would have loved to see it realized through live-action. 

Belle’s ballgown. I KNOW, I KNOW, I AM REPEATING A CHORUS THAT Y’ALL KNOW THE TUNE OF, I GET IT. And I know that people have made the point that it’s supposed to move beautifully when she dances. I totally get it. But...I just don’t like it. I don’t. All that I can see with that dress is a Missed Opportunity. And it sucks, because everything else she wears in that scene was really well done.

That last dress Belle wears. I’m sorry, that pattern looks like something off of a sofa, and a tacky one at that. I would have LOVED to see her in the ballgown (even with my coldness to it) again. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD HAVE TRULY LOVED? To see her in a BLUE ballgown. Because I think it would have been such a neat nod to the original decision with the 1991 film of having only Belle and The Beast dressed in blue. 

AND NOW ONTO THINGS I LOVED BECAUSE I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVED THEM.  

The delving into the backstories. 

Oh my GOD, that scene where the Beast and Belle go back to Paris and we see what happened with Belle’s mother...this movie does such a good job of enriching these characters, deepening these characters that were already plenty deep rich and compelling. They were EXCELLENT additions, one that truly served the story, and I wish more adaptions followed this. 

Like, truly, by doing this we see how both Belle and the Beast are shaped by their fathers and the loss of their mothers, and it just deepens the connection between them so so so much. 

Hell, even Gaston being made into a War Hero as opposed to just a Hunter is brilliant! No wonder the town adores him when that comes into play! 

That intro scene was boss as fuck and I will fight all who disagree 

ALSO THEY BROUGHT THE ORIGINAL ELEMENT OF BELLE REQUESTING A ROSE AND HER FATHER INCURRING THE BEAST’S WRATH FOR PICKING ONE, I WAS SO. FLIPPING. PLEASED. 

What next? 

Oh yEAH

THE CAST!

Everyone was spot fucking on, holy hell

Like okay, I will confess here and now I was NOT 100% feeling Emma as Belle when the casting was announced. She’s beautiful, yes, but she’s not...classically beautiful, you know? 

But I was pleasantly surprised by her acting and singing and take on Belle 

You can clearly tell she loves this character 

(God that sounds so awful, I do like Emma I just feel like she can be a bit hit or miss sometimes). 

DAN STEVENS WAS WONDERFUL

SERIOUSLY

FROM THE INTRO SCENE (WHICH WAS SO COOL) TO THE LAST DANCE

THAT PLAYFUL GROWL, OH MY GOODNESS

I LOVED HIM/HIS TAKE ON THE BEAST

“EVERMORE”

HOLY HELL GUYS

GUYS

G U Y S

I WEPT

You don’t understand I rarely RARELY cry in movie theaters/over movies 

So that I was just overflowing in the theater? 

REALLY speaks to the power of that scene/song

(Tangy you are SO RIGHT it provokes ALL the BtSatS feels)

((AND STRICKLAKE FEELS))

I was surprised that they went with him already being Worldly and Learned since Belle teaching the Beast is such a key part to their story/deepening romance, but man, all those scenes with her reading to him SOLD ME LIKE WHOAH

EMMA’S/BELLE’S LITTLE SHRIEK OF JOY AFTER HE GIVES HER THE LIBRARY 

SO FREAKING CUTE

ME TOO GIRL

ME TOO

But oh my God, okay, the moment that had me slapping my leg in such triumphant emotion? 

"I am not a beast."

...guys

G U Y S

YOU

DON’T

UNDERSTAAAAAAND

I have ALWAYS wanted a line like this in Beauty and the Beast

It’s SO damn powerful

The Beast is RECLAIMING his humanity 

And how is he doing that?

BY SHOWING MERCY

JUST

I AM

SO

E M O T I O N A L

(Keep it together Suzanne)

Luke Evans and Josh Gad did SUCH solid jobs

"There's a beast running wild, there's no question. But I fear the wrong Monster's released..."

I FUCKING GASPED

Oh, Lefou

HONEY

Unsurprisingly, that leads me to my next bit...

LEFOU’S REDEMPTION WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE BITS

HE FUCKING TEAMED UP WITH MRS. POTTS HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE IT?!

Okay, what else...

REST OF THE CAST, RIGHT

You can’t go wrong with Audra McDonald and Kevin Kline and Ian McKellen or Ewan McGregor or STANLEY TUCCI, WHOM I HAD NO IDEA WAS IN THIS 

AND APPARENTLY EWAN WAS FORCED TO DO A MORE “HOLLYWOOD” FRENCH ACCENT

(which explains a whole fucking lot, honestly)

Audra McDonald can do no wrong in my eyes, I am so incredibly in love with her

Actually on that note

OH MY GOD, I AM IN LOVE WITH PLUMETTE’S ACTRESS

So. Beautiful.  

SHE WAS BELLE IN BELLE

Can you imagine if Disney had been brave enough to cast her as Belle here, oh my GOODNESS

Chip was ADORBS 

I am honestly so #blessed that they had Audra sing the last refrain to Beauty and the Beast - it would have been the gravest injustice to NOT do so. 

THE ENCHANTRESS

OH MY GOSH I CALLED IT

AS SOON AS SHE HELPED MAURICE

I. FREAKING. KNEW. IT. 

I WAS SOOOOO VINDICATED WHEN SHE APPEARED AT THE END

I loved the addition of each time a petal falls, the castle crumbles a bit more

AND THAT THERE’S PERPETUAL WINTER IN THE CURSED HALF OF THE WOODS

AND THAT SHE WIPED EVERYONE’S MEMORIES OF THE CASTLE/THE PEOPLE

It was a really good/clever way to mend some of the plotholes in the original

Overall, the LOOK of the film is FLAWLESS. From the costuming––

EXCEPTING THE ABOVE, OKAY

––to the sets to everything, it FELT like a fairytale and EXACTLY what I had dreamed for a Live Action Beauty and the Beast. 

So...long story short, I would happily go see it again. I was pleasantly surprised, and I can’t wait to see it with my sister. When I left the movie theater, I overheard one lady behind me say,

 “Oh God, I feel like I’m seven years old again.” 

That about sums it up for me =) 

[theupwardmind-blog]

Note: As of this posting, I’m doing swell, which is just a testament to how quickly a mood can change. Still, I’m going to post it in its entirety because when I wrote it, I really needed to.

…

Guess what? The last few days have been, by and large, not great.

I work my ass off to not feel like total garbage: Daily meditation, a pretty rad diet, a lot of running, sobriety, journaling, baths… and of course I’ve done my rounds in therapy and with medication. In spite of these efforts, the thought that has dominated my mind lately has been along the lines of: “I’m going to blow my brains out.” (Please know that I wouldn’t be putting this on my blog if it was really a concern.)

I keep wanting to drink (I haven’t) and sometimes I get devastatingly lonely. I know I have created my current circumstances—and we all have, whether we like it or not—but of course I don’t know why. I recently texted a loved one that my “5-year plan” involves getting back into binge drinking and shooting myself in the head off of a cliff. I was kidding, but there really are times when I feel, sincerely, that I am Not Okay, like at all, and I don’t think there is anything that will help. At night I ask the universe to just make me normal and good, but I never wake up normal and good. I wake up the same me who falls short in every regard, who doesn’t love correctly, who isn’t open enough, patient enough, consistent enough, un-thinky enough, kind enough, calm enough, or safe enough. I do not always act like who I am, and I haven’t yet figured out how to fix that permanently.

Why am I posting this even though I try to be all about light and the possibility of well-being? First, it’s real. We are supposed to share our experiences with one another, and I know that the feelings I have are shared by millions of others. The second we fall into the trap of believing our isolation, depression, grief, and self-loathing are any different than those felt by the rest of humanity, we become doubly lost.

Positivity and spirituality are sometimes treated as synonyms, and that’s just not genuine. The path embraces all feelings and states of mind, and it is generally understood that (for a while anyway) waking up hurts. And, even when it’s really horrible, I know that all of my feelings and thoughts are teaching me something. For whatever reason, I haven’t gotten the lesson. If I’d gotten it, this shit would cease. Maybe the lesson is simply in impermanence itself: Never, ever expect to feel All Good, because you will never, ever be static.

Mainly I’m posting this because hiding brings its own kind of pain. When we do this, we deny our true selves to the people who want to love us. It feels worse to hide, even though it definitely feels super uncool to write about my feelings, too. I also know I’m running the risk of sounding dramatic, and at some point—maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, probably right after I hit “Publish”—I’ll regret posting it. Soon, I’ll file away this time period away into that which I psychologically label “a tantrum.”

The point is: I’m better than I’ve ever been, and still, I am This.

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In spite of the intensity of these emotions, I remain unwilling to consider myself ill. I will not accept the bipolar story and I will not label myself “disordered.” This narrative doesn’t serve me, and if anything it damns me to believing I am fixed being. Part of that fixed narrative comes with the notion that I’ll never be fully healed, and I don’t buy that. The only reason I’m even here and in an overall healthier place than I’ve ever been in is because I’ve refused to buy it.

Of course I don’t deny the existence of mental disorders, but rather consider all life experiences as variations in consciousness. This way of thinking makes the difference between the chance at deep healing and perpetual, cyclical illness. One promotes a false “normal/abnormal, neurotypical/neurodiverse” dichotomy; the other promotes a much more realistic spectrum. Training oneself in higher consciousness (by way of self-care, meditation, journaling, etc.) can lead to the cessation of suffering, or at the very least, the dampening of it.

Because really, that’s what it’s all about: Suffering. Whether you call it depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or a personality disorder, the main concern of the human experience is suffering. The harsher felt aspects of life that are pervasive and repetitive—the ones that get called “disorders” in our culture—persist because we are, on the whole, in a very low place. Greed rules the day. “Every man for himself” is the prevailing ethos. “Us and them” is a mentality that very few people ever escape. When our overall level as a people reaches something higher, we will see mental illness fall away. I’ve said this before and I’m going to keep saying it.

I doubt that this will happen in my lifetime, since our system still seems hell-bent on letting individuals know that they’re the ones with “problems.” In our haste to diagnose—to codify, to limit, to “explain”—we tend to just not bring up the ugly truth of the situation, which is that the world is burning to the ground and our paradigm is truly fucked up. Sick societies create sick individuals, and vice versa. Healthy people depend on a healthy planet, and our planet is really not healthy.

When healing occurs, it does so on an individual and collective level at the same time: We heal ourselves and—brick by brick, mind by mind—build healthier societies that make wellness a possibility for future generations. Until we do this work, we can only expect to see rising rates of suicide, depression, addiction, and everything else we claim to be against. I for one am getting a bit tired of the short-lived outpour of concern that follows celebrity suicides. I am also tired of the idea that a person simply not killing themselves is a great victory: If all we’re doing is constantly pulling each other back from the brink, we’re still failing miserably.

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Not a single professional I’ve worked with has really broached the fact that I suffer because A. Suffering is inherent in human existence (and so I have no reason to expect not to suffer), and B. Our culture basically breeds people to suffer for the machine. It was always about “my condition,” “my problems,” “my depression,” “my story of why I hurt.” We all have stories about why we hurt, and to some extent, these stories need to be explored. Some stories are more harrowing than others, but even the most well-off, well-loved people suffer.

Finally, meditation and yoga are being regarded as helpful treatment modalities for mental illnesses. I want to address that here: The science behind psychiatric medication is based on the theory that your brain makes the wrong chemicals and these other chemicals will kinda fix it. The science behind yoga is based on the theory that you are a universal being and ultimately, you are pure consciousness. Get in touch with the part of you that is pure consciousness—through systematic postures and meditation—and suffering begins to transform. This is true for all forms of suffering, be they given medical labels or are simply the “normal” malaise of routine adult life.

These theories/sciences are not mutually exclusive. I will always advocate doing all the things to help yourself. However, through my (largely unintentional and also explosive) exploration of inner space, I’ve found that the latter theory is a whole lot more complete.

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There is tremendous power in stepping into the realization that it’s not you. You are not an addict or a depressed person or anything else because something is wrong with you. Instead, we have tendencies to harm ourselves because…

Our overall culture is unconscious of the way it thinks and acts.

We do not understand and/or accept the depths of the ways we all affect one another. Even people who fancy themselves hella woke tend to carry some amount of hatred and derision in their hearts. This doesn’t work, and it still hurts everyone.

We literally carry legacies of pain in bodily memory.

Fear is the default mode of living.

We have forgotten the truth of what we are.

It’s not that you’re a defective model, and you do have the power to rise above all of these things.

When it comes to mental health and overall wellness, that’s what it’s all about: The cessation of suffering through the exploration of higher consciousness. Not endless treatment, not an illness-oriented model, and certainly not a narrative that you will always be one thing or another.

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Let’s end this on a high note, shall we?

Before I sat down to write this post, I went for a run. Even when I’m in the depths of it, meditating and running tend to lift my spirits. Near the end, I found this rosebush in someone’s yard, and it was too beautiful not to take pictures:

Being a good millennial, I put these on the Instagram where a friend commented, “Peace roses.” Again, being a good millennial, I Googled it. Lo and behold, this is what’s called the Peace Rose. And although I regard the entirety of my life experience as equally meaningful and meaningless, I’ll gladly take signs like this in times of need.

If you’re reading this, the message is meant for you as well.

– Lish

When It Gets Bad Note: As of this posting, I’m doing swell, which is just a testament to how quickly a mood can change.