#his and Evil-Lyn’s friendship is everything I wanted in life

[crossovershipstournament]

SIDE 2D: ROUND 1: Bowser (Super Mario)/Dr. Eggman (Sonic) VS Beastman (Masters of the Universe)/Lifeweaver (Overwatch 2)

Propaganda for Bowser/Dr. Eggman:

I support single villain dads dating https://www.tumblr.com/egg-emperor/713984787597164544/perfect-diabolical-dilf-duo-and-theyre-together

Propaganda for Beastman/Lifeweaver:

Okay, this crossover ship is brand spanking new because Lifeweaver's character was only released 6 days ago, but- Okay, so, Lifeweaver used to attend the Academy owned by the Vishkra Corporation until he went backpacking around the world and saw all the damage to the planet that was being done in the name of corporate greed and global control. Lifeweaver left Vishkra and joined Overwatch to "heal the world". He is a support character with healing abilities and a floral/plant-based aesthetic. Beastman used to be Skeletor's most loyal minion until Skeletor died in the first episode of Revelation. Beastman then made it his life's mission to protect Evil-Lyn whom had been Skeletor's lover and second-in-command. He is loyal to Lyn to a fault and at the end of Revelation, Beastman allows Lyn to turn him into a more animal-like beast, then he's almost immediately flung off a cliff and assumed dead. Beastman was done dirty by the narrative and is in need of physical and spiritual healing. Lifeweaver is a healer who wants to personally save everything. Lifeweaver could show Beastman that life is worth living without having to submit his service to a master, he could live for himself according to his own will. Beastman can teach Lifeweaver the follies of devoting too much of yourself to a singular purpose or ideal and that he needs to set aside time for himself and his own needs. They complete each other. Also, Lifeweaver/Beastman would be plant-animal solidarity.

Animal/plant solidarity, beauty and the beast aesthetic, they just complete each other, okay???

mutual support's the name of the game, my friend! Beastman is fiercely loyal even to the point of his own destruction. In MotU:R he's so loyal to Evil-Lyn that he allows her to turn him into a were-creature to fight for her, then he died. But at every step and beat of their relationship, Beastman was always supportive of Lyn, both physically in battle and also emotionally when they were both putting up with Skeletor's abuse. He even calls Lyn out when she continues the cycle of abuse after Skeletor is deposed. He is an emotionally strong man who's not afraid to show his vulnerable side. Lifeweaver is a new character from Overwatch 2 and we don't technically know a lot about him just yet. The canon facts we do know are that he used to attend the Vishkar Academy, but dropped out. He then went backpacking around the world and witnessed first hand how the corporate greed of the Vishkar corporation was killing the planet. He used his Academy training to develop the bio-light technique he uses to be a healer and support fighting in battle. But he's also a Thai Buddhist who believes in healing over destruction and believes that anyone can change, and learn, and grown if given the opportunity. Beastman and Lifeweaver are soulmates, places in different franchises because they would be too powerful together.

first of all, look at this adorable art of them: https://www.tumblr.com/kawehi-the-squigs/714344228724129792/commission-for-beastweaver-had-fun-with-this-one?source=share , and if you're still not convinced, then let me tell you about Beastman's character arch in MotU:R. When Beastman makes his first appearance in the series, he charges on the scene to protect Evil-Lyn (whom is a mage with long white hair). Over the course of the series it becomes apparent that his loyalty to Lyn is more than just simple friendship, but she's obviously not into him so Beastman is content to stay by her side as her friend and protector. When Evil-Lyn goes back to Skeletor, Beastman follows her. When Skeletor resume manipulating and abusing Lyn, Beastman is there to remind her of her value as a person and tell her that she's deserves better than Skeletor. When Evil-Lyn defeats Skeletor and takes over Caste Grayskull from him, Beastman is the voice of reason that calls Lyn out on continuing Skeletor's cycle of abuse. Beastman truly loved Lyn and wanted her to be happy, healthy, alive, and the best version of herself even if she wasn't with him. But, Evil-Lyn turned him into some kinda even more beastly beast-monster and sends him out to die in battle for her. Now, enter Lifeweaver from Overwatch 2. Lifeweaver is a scientist who created a kind of living light technique to heal his comrades in battle. To Beastman, this technology would appear like magic. Lifeweaver would appear like a mage, and he has long white hair. Lifeweaver would remind Beastman of all the good things about Lyn, but Lifeweaver doesn't have any of her flaws or failings (Lifeweaver's got his own flaws, but this post ain't about that). AND Lifeweaver has never perpetuated the cycle of abuse and, in fact, one of his voice lines is "grow into who you truly are". Lifeweaver would encourage Beastman to grow in ways he never could have on Eternia with Lyn and Skeletor. Lifeweaver could help Beastman to become the best version of himself. Beastman in turn could keep Lifeweaver grounded and not let him become so carried away by his ideals that he forgets where he is in the present. They compete each other.

(There is so much more; but I actually don't think I'll be able to fit ALL of it in here; this might be the ship in the tournament with the MOST propaganda! Mega props to the submitters, I adore your passion!)

Art Credit:

Bowser/Eggman art by @/kannra-orhara Beastman/Lifeweaver by @/kawehi-the-squigs, commissioned by @/beastweaver

[childofaura]

Watched S3 He-Man

HOOOOOOOOOOO.

So much! So much to talk about! There’s positives... and some minor negatives. But minor ones! Because this season mainly was awesome!

So positives first!

1. THE FIGHT SCENES. RADICAL. AMAZING. GREAT.

2. The story was great! They managed to pace everything perfectly in eight episodes!

3. ALAN OPPENHEIMER AS GRAYSKULL!!!!! WALLACE SHAWN AS ORKO!!!!

4. They saved Krass! And I like how she was still struggling between her emotions and continuing to be a bad guy, it really makes the confrontations agonizing.

5. Ork-0 used real magic! I’m very glad we got to see him again and he got some character growth. It had a real good life lesson for kids.

6. Ooooooooooh, the Hiss monster designs were sooooo good. The Basilisk was a smidge underwhelming but it was still awesome.

7. Actually EVERYTHING had great monster designs. Those weird mecha-horse things, Skeletor’s god forms, etc. Great stuff.

8. MY BOY DUNCAN GOT HIS TIME TO SHINE!!! Actually everyone equally got their time to shine, I’m so thankful to the writers that they treated everyone so equally respectful. But Duncan did such a good job, I’m so proud of this kid!

9. I don’t know if people will dislike it, but... I actually like that Adam restored Keldor to his human self. And it wasn’t for ham-fisted reasons and it wasn’t like he was forcing himself to see Keldor as family, he simply stated “It’s the right thing to do” because Adam doesn’t have it in him to kill.

10. Stratos and gang came back for a bit! I do kind of wish they could have played a bigger part but that’s ok. It’s hard juggling that many characters.

11. BABY TEELA WAS SO STINKIN’ CUTE!!!

12. The gang has come together as a family again :’D

13. Ok even though I don’t like Smith’s MotU... that cameo was hilarious, fight me.

14. OHOHOHO, HORDAK! EVELYN IS HORDAK’S DAUGHTER! Does this mean we get a Season 4?? >:3

Now... I do have some negatives, but honestly again these are minor nitpicks in the grand scheme of things. So they don’t really matter.

1. I... really don’t like how the show kept fluctuating Evelyn/Evil-lyn’s morality and gave her this semi-redemption arc. It was dumb and ham-fisted in the other MotU show and it was really painful here. Like... I LOVE Evelyn/Evil-Lyn. She’s so delightfully narcissistic and under-handed, but making her do good things and be more prone to helping really takes the “Evil” out of Evil-Lyn. Especially because it made no sense.

2. George Takei as Mer-Man, bleh... He was ok as an actor but could they have picked someone less... controversial? You want an Asian actor to play Mer-Man? Cary Hiroyuki-Tagawa is right there, guys. At least his character died. But I’ll admit the character design was pretty rad.

3. Some weird animation errors? During the scene where they’re trying to lure more Hiss monsters into Snake Mountain, there’s a scene where Kronis doesn’t have his jaw brace but suddenly in the next cut he does? I dunno, there were a couple of weird character-model inconsistencies between all the seasons but again, it’s not a big deal.

4. WHAT HAPPENED TO JUSTINE? D: Seriously, poor girl just disappears off the face of the earth. She had kind of a cute partnership/friendship with Tri-Clops, it seemed, but then all of a sudden she’s just- poof! Gone.

5. I’ll 100% admit that this is less of an overall criticism and more of a personal issue but... I don’t really like how Kronis and Evelyn’s partnership seemed to have such an abrupt change in dynamic. In the first season, they were equals and they seemed to tolerate each other smoothly, even mutually getting along (Like ”Your runt hit me with a transport!” “When we find him, how’s about we both hit him with one?” “Hmhmmm... I’d like that”. Or all the “dear Kronis” parts?). But then suddenly with S2, and even more so in S3, they made Evil-lyn the “leader” while Kronis/Trap-Jaw suddenly gets delegated to hulking, idiot henchman. I miss when the two of them were working together, they had a fun dynamic.

6. Oh gosh, speaking of which, Kronis just lost the charm of his character from S1. He turned into an idiot and a wimp, and he is just... drastically different from his S1 incarnation. Remember that this guy is supposed to be smart as hell? Remember how he took on Cringer with his bare hands (granted Cringer didn’t have claws but assuming Cringer weighs as much as the largest tiger breed, so like.. Amur tigers, which are 600 pounds? HE THREW 600 POUNDS OF MUSCLE)? You’d think instead of being screaming, fleeing bait for the Hiss minions he would have been more... I dunno, controlled and intelligent about it? Either way, RIP S1 Kronis. You were way more of an appealing sinister badass.

7. Ok... Why hire Kevin Smith as Tri-Clops? Did they just feel bad for him or something? Seems like a really weird choice considering how shitty he’s been to He-Man fans.

But honestly, like I said before, those nitpicks are so minor it doesn’t even matter. This season was amazing, I was initially sad to see it was only eight episodes long but they did such a fantastic job with the writing and pacing that it felt long enough. I love this show so much and I only hope it does get greenlit for S4.

[phecdasolar]

That moment when you just want to find people who are as excited about this cool show you found as you are and you go on Tumblr and everyone in the tag is like “omg this show sucks”

…

The only nice people in this tag are the fan artists you go guys you’re great ily

(Minor spoiler in the tags)

[kim-lexie]

crash landing on you.

woah...if a drama ever could crash land, oh i mean ‘descend’ into my heart it was this one. it descended from the greatest drama writers and has been placed into my list of top dramas of all time. like i’m telling you it’s up there with ‘scarlet heart ryeo’, ‘something in the rain’ and ‘mr. sunshine’. seriously it will not disappoint you and i would give it 100 out of 10. 

overview.

this drama follows se-ri, a ceo of an impressive cosmetic-lifestyle brand in seoul. she goes to test drive some of her paragliding products, and a nasty storms ends up sending her to north korea. after landing, she soon meets ri jung-hyuk, a captain in north korea monitoring the boarder. the drama follows him protecting her to deliver her home to south korea, and how their relationship flourishes in the diversity they face from two very different sides of the boarder.

there is romance, family drama, political issues, and cultural differences that are presented in this drama. and i was absolutely there for it all. i ended up writing down my thoughts and fave moments from each episode. because from the start i knew this drama would wreck my heart, and i wanted to look back at all the good times, and times i cried my eyes out of course. so i posted a week-by-week playback from the drama so if you want to see my random thoughts from each week here is the link week-by-week playback.

*spoiler alert* they are ahead, you have been warned.

i have many thoughts, and i am writing this the day i finished the drama. so i will do my best to touch on everything that really struck me throughout this drama. i may even have to go back and update later on, because it is a lot to process.

characters. 

i appreciated that we followed so many characters and that the characters were dynamic and held their own for the plot and development of the story.

ri jeong-hyeok and yoon se-ri. their relationship developed so beautifully. i loved how he had a heart to protect her immediately. from their first meeting and him directing her how to leave the north, and her running towards it just showed their personalities perfectly. once he discovered  that she was still there he was determined to get her out safely, and to protect her no matter the cost. when we come to find that they met long before, it just went to show how deep their connection and destiny was (cue me singing lyn’s ‘my destiny’ from my love from the star at least twice an episode). he saved her life many a times, as well as her saving his. they had so many moments. some of my faves (obvi not a comprehensive list all of their moments, that would be too much for my heart):

her falling from the tree saying he was totally her type. 

how he kept trying to meet her needs even though it was ridiculous and not necessities for the north, but were needs for her as a lady from the south. from making her food, to getting her the candles and body products from the market.

when she was lost in the market and he got a scented candle to lift up to find her.

him keeping her photo even though he called her out saying that it was silly to get extras.

after ri jeong-hyeok got shot protecting her, and their first kiss moment at the hospital. 

when ri jeong-hyeok’s family kidnaps her and they meet again at his family home.

when seri played on the piano and we discovered that it was jeong-hyeok’s song all along, the song for his brother that saved her life. when she contemplated suidcide in switzerland.

when his brother’s watch came full circle, to provide pertinent information in turning in the bad man and being the gift se-ri had bought to gift to jeong-hyeok.

when he followed her to the south to protect her, and they met on the street.

when he and the boys surprised her for her birthday.

him waiting for her after he was taken by the NIS and they allowed him to be at her bedside in the ICU until she woke up from the coma.

him leaving her a fully stocked fridge and writing out recipes for her. along with leaving her text messages for a year. 

him leaving her a recording of him playing the piece on the piano for her to fall asleep, rather than her depending on sleeping medications.

them writing i love you with books on the shelf.

captain ri’s company. i throughly enjoyed the addition of getting to know all of his men. they all developed a friendship with se-ri and it was so precious. and how she gave them all rewards before she was meant to leave the first time, and gifted them things. i loved how they all came to love her and wanted to protect her, which is especially prominent in how they all surround her after she was shot by cheol-gang. 

ju-meok and his love for south korean dramas throughout the episodes was precious. i loved that seri was able to make his dream and gift come true to meet his favorite actress. eun-dong a precious bean, just wanting to see his family, not always knowing what was going on, but always providing emotional support. kwang-beom the handsome face, who blew his cover in the south when all the agencies wanted to recruit him (hahaha). and of course chi-su the one most hesitant to accept her, came to love her most and became the most accustomed to the lifestyle of the south. 

these men tended to provide the perfect comedic relief for many tense moments. their one liners were perfect. i appreciated them coming to the south and trying to get accustomed to blend in. all those scenes were hilarious from them in the stores walking around with their knock off brand names, hours in the internet cafes, sauna stays, and chicken dinners. some notable moments include the birthday celebration scene, when seri thought they had left and gone back to the north and starts weeping on the floor, just for them to come out for the ‘surprise’. and them saying wait ju-meok you said surprises were a good idea but she is crying. another moment being when ri jeong-hyeok was showing seri his scars saying hers won't be too bad, and them walking in thinking something scandalous was happening, (this even happened when captain ri was in the hospital in north korea hahaha).

jeong-hyeok’s family. the storyline behind his brother was kind of dropped, and it was kinda sad because i feel like it shaped jeong-hyeok immensely. but it was so sad that his brother passed in such a tragic way at the hands of cheol-gang. and that it brought jeong-hyeok back from his dream as a pianist to fulfill what he needed to for his family. his father was stern and hilarious in the scene when the two of them finally met again. just being baffled that his only son left was in love with a woman from the south. his mother was so supportive of him, and i loved that. she just wanted her only son to be happy in life and come back alive. 

now seri’s family is whole other story they were WACK. like seriously insane and it was ridiculous. her father and mother redeemed themselves compared to the beginning, once seri returned they kept it in check and wanted the best for her. i loved how the mother and daughter relationship blossomed and how she was there for her daughter in recovery and grieving the loss of jeong-hyeok as he went back to the north. that was beautiful. 

now on to her oppa se-hyeong and his witch of a wife sang-a. they wanted to keep her in the north, then when she was back to send her back/use it against her in business ventures, then tell cheol-gang her address so he could take her. like what?!?! her eldest brother and his wife were oblivious and just wanted money and titles, but dang at least they didnt send an ex NK officer after seri. and it was only until the man-bok wire tapped the room while she was in a coma did it come out that they were truly evil. 

our second otp. seung-jung and seo dan. my goodness what an unexpected pairing, but you know i was on that ship as soon as i saw it developing. i loved how they dished what the other served, and how seung-jung was a different person who wanted to do better by her, seriously they were great. i loved that seo dan saw that she was worthy and deserved to have a man that wanted her and saw her true beauty and qualities that made her a strong and independent woman. and that she didnt need to pursue something that was not vibrant because jeong-hyeok did not pursue her how she deserved, because he had someone else in his heart. i loved this relationship. and i really did not appreciate that we finally had major character development from seung-jung, and then he died. like seriously?! we went from only a few episodes prior going to turn seri into her brother and keep her there in the north. and then he went to protect seo dan and ended up losing his life to protect her. 

the moment he asked her what she was referring to when she said, ‘i like it’. was it jeong-hyeok, was it the ramen, or was it him (seung-jung)?!? and she responded with him, weeping. i weeped like a baby. and then he died in the ambulance. i couldn't contain it.

seo dan’s family. i loved her mother, she provided much comedic relief when it came to how seo dan and jeong-hyeok were originally engaged, to kinda getting on the ship of ‘alberto’, to being like maybe it’s fine if she is alone, let me get myself a man. it was hilarious. i also loved how she went into the village and used her money on the black market to get goods to the ladies of the village. it was quite funny to see how much of the south, she appreciated even though they were pretty high up in status in the north. like the boutiques she went to, and the english phrases, and south korean products she used. 

the women of the village. these women were precious. they were hilarious in how they always prepared the best for jeong-hyeok when he came back from the outpost. i loved how the village banned together to protect seri and how seri made limited edition products in tribute to them. 

the premise and themes.

overall the idea of this concept is wild and completely ridiculous. that she was hidden for so long, that they met before in switzerland of all places, and that it took her weeks to escape the north and it took 8 men 12 hours to get there is ridiculous. but then again if we didn’t have these wild storylines would it really be a drama? 

it was interesting to see their perspective of life in the north, for the duration of the drama i was wondering how much of this is true. from the market to the wiretapping of the homes, to the guards and military structure. it was all very intriguing. and i also have issues with people saying this drama glorified north korea because i would like to see those receipts because i did not see it portrayed as a wonderful place to live. it looked difficult and cold, and terrifying! 

the only thing that humanized it was the people, which is how it is in these situations. the people there, just typical everyday people, do not necessarily reflect the hierarchy of hate portrayed by officials of the government. 

it was so sad at the place that seri was incredibly vulnerable and wanted to take her own life. she insanely depressed and how jeong-hyeok in that precise moment when he was sad and alone wrote a piece of music for his brother that brought her out of her own darkness was beautiful. even though they did not talk or communicate face to face, the heart behind his music brought her out. and they were eventually able to come full circle and meet and grow together. se-ri is an incredible strong character and i wish she had the support she needed from her family and friends. i am glad that jeong-hyeok was able to be there for her, and meet her in her most vulnerable moment on the bridge.

cinematography and episode layout.

i loved the filming of this. like seriously it was beautifully done. from the dynamic scenes in nature and traveling through the forests, to the cityscapes and small moments they highlighted.

i appreciated how we followed the cohesive storyline, but that at the end of each episode we got an extra tidbit to take with us. one of the most noteworthy ones being when the NIS was investigating the ‘spies’/captain ri’s men and looking at all their histories and transactions and places they visited (HILARIOUS). then at the end of that episode it flashed back to the NIS, and now they were looking into jeong-hyeok. and it showed the collective moments that him and se-ri shared and the investigator said that a psychologist viewed all the materials and found to conclude that jeong-hyeok was in love with se-ri. then the lead investigator was like, ‘no duh, you needed a psychologist to tell you that bro. i can see it with my own eyes’. i laughed so hard. 

these end scenes at the end of the episodes were also pivotal in piecing together their histories. and seeing how they had met long ago and that destiny truly brought them together. 

the ending.

i am partially satisfied with the ending. i like how we got to see where everyone went. like even the little things of how man-bok and his family ended up in pyeongyang. and that the village ladies were same old same old even with a new captain showing up. 

i was disappointed that our second otp was ripped apart by those chinese gangsters, because we could have had it all, and not the tragic ending of him protecting her from the bad men and dying a slow painful death and they finally confessed their love for each other. 

i loved that our couple found each other eventually, after years but that it was while she was paragliding, which i freaking called it being like wouldn't that bring us full circle! it was wild and i loved how it ended with them on a picnic enjoying life in a little house with all their photos, because that's how it all started. i wish we could have seen them in the future with their twins, but ya know i’ll take this ending over a scarlet heart ryeo for our main leads.

the ost. 

my goodness i have never had a great drama with a subpar ost tracks. and this one does not fall short. now, i have drama ost playlists each each, and i believe every track from this drama made the list, because *insert slow clap* they are fantastic. my faves:

‘flower’ by yoonmirae.

‘here i am again’ by yerin baek.

‘all of my days’ by sejeong.

‘photo of my mind’ by song ga in.

‘let us go’ by crush. (his tracks always get me)

‘give you my heart’ by iu.

now if you haven't watched it yet go get netflix and watch this one because it will not disappoint. and i will have to rewatch it eventually because it really was perfect. and i am sure there are many easter eggs that i missed. 

[allthebooksandcrannies]

i just need to vent here

NI’m going to put a read more link in here so its not just this extremely long post but i need to vent where no one i know is going to see it and get all offended but i also need to look like i’m doing gre prep. this is mostly me just yelling into the void but i’d also appreciate any advice or feedback anyone wants to give.

i don’t want to accidentally hurt someone so trigger warnings for discussion of eating disorders, depression, anxiety, emotional crisis, mention of rape, mention of homophobia, dead dove do not eat

so, my mom and i had another fight last night that kinda picked up again this morning and i feel really shitty but i’m not gonna stop obsessing over it and everything else it stirred up until i get it out so i’m just gonna stream of consciousness over here.

lately it seems all my mom ever do is fight and i made her cry again so i guess that makes me the asshole because the guilt is real right not but guilt and self-hatred is also my general default i think so maybe i’m being to hard on myself? like, its not like i also didn’t want to cry and i feel like she took my words and twisted them around into something i didn’t mean but i also don’t know what i meant. and we’re both so similar so maybe we were just both being defensive and oversensitive even though we both give Dad shit for that and great now i feel bad about that because i always take her side in fights because i feel like i need to protect her and my brother always takes his side but that’s a whole other can of worms. but also, so what if we are? like aren’t all emotions supposed to be valid? or does it matter even if they are?

we fight about everything these days and every joke i make offends her and i’m just teasing but she keeps taking it to the extreme, taking it as criticism on issues i’m not even talking about. and this time i was defensive and she was defensive because i was defensive and i tried to explain it and it just made it worse.

like, this time we were talking and i don’t remember how we got on the subject but i think it was because we were talking about this new diet my dad is going on because my paternal grandmother  won’t stop blaming my mom for my dad being so overweight and i know i should have been stepping lightly because dad had just been teasing her for saying she wished the nutritionist would have found some easy to fix problem other than his diet/activity levels so his mom would get off her ass about it. and like, i get why my grandmother is concerned, he is very overweight and needs an ankle replacement he can’t get until he loses like 150 lbs and she already has an unhealthy paranoia about her own weight after an entire childhood of her own mother fatshaming her and her sisters but also it’s ridiculous to just blame my mother and her cooking considering that when he put on all the weight originally it was when he was working for his uncle and only ate one meal she cooked a day and was going to fast food places twice a day, like the dude has some responsibility here, but also he carries it just like his dad, male cousins, and three paternal uncles so there’s obviously some genetics working against him, but most importantly right around the time this first started he fell through a roof at a construction site and completely shattered all the bones in his right ankle and was completely bedridden for over a year while on serious painkillers that probably didn’t help. but anyway she was already upset and in a weird headspace because she had an eating disorder in high school, so i should have been more careful and empathetic but she started talking about one of my roommates and how health conscious she is and how thin she is and how she probably has eating disorder and i kinda snapped because i know she means well but damn if it didn’t bring up so many other issues that i was just slammed right back into 

because she always has something to say about my friends. for as long as i can remember she has criticized my friends in ways that makes me question my relationship with them and i know she just is trying to protect me and be involved in my life but her good intentions are still a major cause of so many of my issues and i was end up lonelier and more self-isolating as a result. and my roommates are my best friends and the one she criticizes the most (like what feels like every time we talk about her, to the point where she’s convinced my mom hates her) has been so important in showing me how sheltered and naive i was and has brought me out of my shell and helped with my self-worth so much and is literally the first person in my life who told me i don’t have to always be looking out for other before myself. i don’t owe the world and its okay to live for me sometimes.

and this one, she’s so quiet and she doesn’t like to interact with people she doesn’t deem worth her time and maybe she can be a little cold and judgy but she’s always good to me and she’s been protective and as someone who has always been on the outside of every group the fact that she deems me worth her time and her advice really means a lot and i can acknowledge her flaws but just earlier this weak my mom was talking about how cold she thinks megan is so i was already primed to be defensive. so my mom starts talking about how megan probably has a body image issue since she’s so conscious of her weight and i’m like??? she never talks about weight. the only time she talks about food is when we’re comparing recipes and yeah she eats healthy and puts effort into that but she’s a lifelong vegetarian and she’s usually trying to balance that out with her needs as a cross country runner but because she’s not competing anymore apparently that means that the fact that she still runs every morning and eats like a cross country runner when she doesn’t have to (never mind that she still runs marathons, and she likes running) means she has body image issues and the when we go out for ice cream she’s overindulging because of it. and look at how skinny she is, even though she’s 4′ 10″ and all muscle, like i’d be worried if she wasn’t?

and maybe i’m in denial but i think i would know. i’ve lived with her three years and my mom has met her like six times and never longer than an hour at a time. and she says she was just trying to help me be a good friend and her words fit but her tone came off as criticising and maybe i jumped to conclusions but it felt like one more thing that was wrong with me and my friendship. and maybe i’m just being defensive because on some level i’m worried that what if she’s right, that means i’ve been oblivious and a bad friend and  is she calling me a bad friend, like is that coming from me or just my own insecurities? because i am insecure about whether i’m capable of being a good friend because i always end up left behind and mom keeps saying that i intimidate them or make them feel judged or guilty because i always stick to the rules and do i come off judgy? i don’t try to i try so hard to be openminded but then i’m just accused of becoming a screaming liberal what do you want from me, i just don’t know how to be anything but a pleaser. 

anyway i made the mistake this morning of responding when she was telling me that she doesn’t understand why i’m so defensive and i told her the truth that she has always criticized my friends be it that “piper was obviously raised without enough supervision and that’s why she drinks and likes to push boundaries and wants to be older than she is which is why i’m worried about her influence on you” never mind that we’re 21 and she hasn’t done anything i don’t know for a fact my mom did at her age. and then courtney and jai-lyn and jessica and all the girls i hung out with in the library who were my only close friendships in middle school, they were just weird and had weird interests, even though all our interests were the same and i was also the “weird” kid at school, that’s why i didn’t have friends. we were weird because we were good at school, we were passionate about the books we were reading, we were stereotypical middle school fangirls, but at least we were happy? and we were age appropriate but it was never good enough and i should hang out more with the sort of girls on student council and on sports teams never mind that i tried that and we didn’t have anything in common, and they were mean and i was happy with my friends and i get she wanted to help but when i did have a problem with that group when i was upset that hope had been secretly pregnant in high school and had her sister lie to us for months and we only found out because she posted a photo at seven months on facebook and i was just upset she hadn’t trusted us to have her back when we had been so close and just wanted to vent to my mother and have her on my side it was all “well maybe you should have been more approachable and less judgmental like you’re being now” like i know that but i just wanted someone to acknowledge that the lying was shitty. and even if i did mess up, i was fifteen and just wanted my mom to be conforting. but i can never vent because all i get are suggestions on what to do better and i appreciate the intent, i do, but occasionally i would like to be told that i’m good enough.

so anyway i said that i was wrong to be so defensive i just felt that she was trying to criticize either my friend or my ability to perceive my friend because when she complains about my friends i feel like i have to defend myself and them. and she went off on my about how she was just trying to help me be a good friend so that i would be able to be there for her because her own friends hadn’t been there for her, and her mom hadn’t supported her, and no one believed her when she was raped and since i know that i should be a little more aware, and i should know that my mother is not an evil person, and that she is not trying to be malicious, and how hurt she is by me saying that she criticizes my friends when i have heard her say the same thing about her mother, and how dare i imply she’s a bad mom like her mother when i know how much she has hurt her” and this whole time i’m trying to explain that i know she’s not trying to hurt me, i know her intentions are good, i’m just trying to say how it made me feel but she’s talking over me and i’m also annoyed that she’s kinda implying that if we hadn’t had this conversation i wouldn’t be there for my friend when she needed me and also implying that i wouldn’t believe my friends if they came to me about a sexual assault. like, give me some credit here. i’m usually the one between my mother and i who’s saying we need to address rape culture, and women’s word should be more valued, but now i’m the bad guy because it hasn’t happened to me.

and i know my mom had trauma. so many of her parenting choices so obviously link back to what i know about her past.  She was the youngest of three kids and an accident later in life so her parents were kinda sick of the whole parenting thing and were almost completely hands-off, which let my mom get in a lot of bad situations, so she micromanaged everything. I was the textbook overachieving child has no idea what to do when everyone else catches up. i got good grades in school, so if my grades ever were less than perfect i apparently wasn’t trying hard enough and she knew i could do better so why was i letting myself down like this and when i got straight a’s or awards it wasn’t “i’m so proud of how hard you worked” it was “i’m proud of how smart you are” or “i wish i had been that smart” which sounded nice but ignored that i had to bust my ass for those grades, at the expense of extracurriculars and friendships and my mental health to the point that i had a breakdown in the middle of my senior english class over getting an 89 on essay because failing wan’t okay and anything that would drop my grade from an A+ was a failure. nevermind that my little brother was rewarded anytime he got a grade higher than a D because they expected them to fail. 

and its like that in so many areas. nothing i ever do is good enough on its own. its just “okay, now what are you going to do next” and I feel like i’m drowning here. If its not my friends, it’s my lack of a dating life. My whole childhood, she told me not to get married or have kids young because it would ruin my life (she was twenty when she married my dad and 21 when she had me) and how disappointing it was to see all these young girls more focused on dating and romantic validation instead of school or their careers. She was happy i didn’t date in high school (I didn’t have the time to date and still get perfect grades, even if i had wanted to). but now i’m about to graduate college and have still never been in a relationship (i still don’t have time to get good grades, have a job [since i’m mostly on my own for school costs], write a thesis for the honors program she wouldn’t let me drop, hang out with friends and date, and i’m pretty sure i’m ace) and suddenly she wants to ask me about whether i’m seeing someone every time i call home and is getting progressively more frustrated that “i’m too shy and not willing to make this a priority”. and 1) why the hell would you think it was going to magically become a priority when my whole life you have told me it shouldn’t be, and 2) i’m pretty sure i’m asexual, and have no fucking clue what my romantic orientation is but i might be into girls a little because the closest things to crushes I've ever had have been toward my female friends, and that’s a whole other can of worms since when i experimentally float the concept of asexuality or not being interested in sex i get dismissed and while she says she’s okay with my cousin being gay anytime someone makes a joke about the possibility of my brother or I being on the LGBT spectrum the whole family makes really homophobic comments. and i’m torn because if she ever found out i was scared to come out to her she’d be really pissed and hurt about “how dare i think she would react badly” but i’m pretty sure she would react badly, either in anger or in dismissive “you’re being ridiculous, you just don’t know what you’re missing”. i get that one a lot. I've talked about how i have no interest in ever being pregnant and she just keeps telling me i’m wrong to not want that experience regardless of the fact that i have really bad type 3 EDS that i get from her (though her case isn’t as bad) which is a connective tissue disorder that goes hand and hand with POTS and i already have chronic dislocations, severe scoliosis, am in constant pain, and a heart arrhythmia. Plus, we know that my symptoms already get worse when my hormones get out of wack during my period, and pregnancy is known to make eds so much worse, permanently (since its a degenerative condition). And she’s always dealing with consequences of being pregnant that are worse because of the eds, like how the scar-tissue from her c-section is much worse than it should be and keeps causing adhesions that cause her a lot of pain, and pelvic floor keeps trying to collapse, and i almost died during labor because the stress fucked with my heart so bad. and i know of women with eds whose joints were permanently fucked or who know have to walk with a cane because of how much damage their pelvises went through in childbirth, so yeah i’d rather not risk it when i’ve always wanted to adopt anyway but anytime i express any of this she gets upset because either “i’m so sorry your mother is an idiot! It’s not like she speaks from experience” <- exact quote, or “you need to stop letting this illness dictate your life, i didn’t raise a victim but that's the problem with your generation, you always think you’re a victim” which argh. and i might be okay with that last argument if she didn’t constantly tell me that i need to be more proactive about taking care of my body because of my condition (which is exactly what i’m trying to do with the not wanting to be pregnant thing, but apparently this just applies to how i need to eat better and exercise more ]even though most exercises hurt and use up too many spoons for me to work out and do everything else i need to] because i can’t afford to gain anymore weight [again, this is why i have so much fucking guilt every time i eat], or to how i apparently need to tell everyone in my life that i could faint at anytime [but stop making everything about your condition, Nicole]).

Anyway, long story short, i feel like nothing i ever do is good enough and i always have to be the bigger person and let it go when i’m upset. and i do love her, and i know she loves me but it just feels conditional even if i’m pretty sure its not. and i never know if i’m being too hard on, since i know she has trauma and is trying to help, but i have trauma too even if a different kind, and i have diagnosed but unmedicated anxiety and depression and i need validation from others and i just want to be told one time that i’m enough or that she’s sorry for all of the pressure she constantly puts on me, and i feel guilty for being so selfish when she needs me but, also, she’s my mom? i’m sick of having to parent everyone around me and then getting told its none of my business and i need to be more respectful. I just can’t win and i feel like i’m going to explode and i feel so guilty and so angry at myself and at her and then more guilt and anger for feeling guilt and anger to the point that i don’t know how to feel anything anymore. today’s just a really bad day and i feel like i keep getting more and more broken and conflicted about everything from politics to sexuality to religion i don’t know what to feel or what i think anymore...

[theliterateape]

Birthday Reflections of a Year in Lockdown

By David Himmel

I read a meme or a post or some kind of thing on the Faceborg the other day that said, “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people.” It struck me because, like many of us, tradition was a big thing in my house growing up. Often used as a guilt magnifier to help hone good behavior. And I like it because if this past year has showed us anything it’s that the only tradition really worth maintaining for whatever possible reason is change.

Things change. Things need to change. Evolution > Tradition.

That said, I also like the tradition I lifted from Don Hall, which is to write an essay on one’s birthday about the things one has learned on their most recent trip around the orange fireball at the center of our lonely little solar system. And Don Hall is not dead. Yet. So, I guess this is less tradition and more, um, inspired peer pressure.

I’ve been at this shit for forty-two full years now. It’s been mostly fun. There were those three years at the tail end of my twenties that nearly killed me but I came out of them with a novel and the ability to shoot tequila. So, you know, win. And, I managed to forge a few really solid friendships despite the alcoholic and depressed cloud that surrounded me much like Pig-Pen’s cloud of dirt. I’m long past those Dark Days, and yet, I still manage to bring them up in casual conversation or pre-dawn essay writing. And that is a perfect way to dive into the things I’ve learned this past year.

I am extremely and arguably absurdly emotionally attached to things This is more of a reminder, or a reinforcement of what’s blindingly obvious to me. This personality quirk—or defect, depending on who you are and how you choose to look at me—is flexing pretty hard right now as we plan to move from this apartment of eight years to a new house in a new Chicago neighborhood. Moving is the perfect time to purge and I’m just not sure I can bid farewell to things I know I’ll have to leave behind. Yeah, yeah, I know all about the Marie Kondo thing of items sparking joy. But I go one deeper: Keep items that spark reference. Maybe I should have been a museum curator instead of a writer and creative director. Because to me, just about everything is worthy of historical preservation. That includes a pair of boxer briefs I bought over twenty-one years ago. (More on that in another forthcoming essay.) It’s not that I’m incapable of throwing things out, it’s just that it’s harder for me than most. But when I reach the stage of acceptance that some history is best preserved in one’s mind and the time comes to put something behind me or on the curb, I do so with abandon and a swiftness unmatched. Done is done. Maybe I’ll write about it. Maybe it’s the next novel.

Writing takes a different kind of energy now When the idea of being a writer was a goal, I could churn out typed pages for days all while wearing a big smile on my face. Then I started to get paid for it. Then work got busy. Then the kid woke up. Then the dog had to go out. Then… then… then… I’ve spent the last year or so retraining myself to be a writer. Yes, I can still do it and I do, but it has since come to feel like another responsibility, another piece of accountability I lug around like Marley’s chains. Inspiration fits differently on this overtly domesticated body.

I really like He-Man But not in the gay way. Although there’s nothing wrong with that. The Masters of the Universe was my favorite cartoon and my favorite toys when I was only slightly older than my son is now. This year, Mattel released all new Masters of the Universe origin figures. I saw He-Man and Skeletor hanging on a shelf in Target one day and just about lost my mind. These figures are now fully poseable and, well, I needed them. I took a photo and sent it to my good friends Dr. Jarret Keene and Don Hall teasing them with, “My birthday is coming up!”—it was, like, February. The next day, an Amazon box arrived at my place. In it was He-Man, Skeletor, and fucking Battle Cat! Jarret sent me an early birthday present. Do I play with these things? Yep! It’s a great way to procrastinate. It completely removes my mind from the work at hand, the horrors of the news, and the blood-boiling stupidity of social media’s doom scrolling.

Shortly after I received these toys, I realized that He-Man has been a constant all my life. I own the entire series on DVD and have for decades. My favorite dish in the house is a plastic Masters of the Universe plate that’s older than my baby brother and is completely dishwasher safe. I have a Lordi band t-shirt stylized like the Masters of the Universe logo. I still think Evil-lyn is hotter than Teela, and I’ll argue to my death that the 1987 live-action Masters of the Universe film starring Dolph Lundgren and Frank Langella as He-Man and Skeletor respectively is the greatest project Courtney Cox has ever participated in. Speaking of…

Friends still sucks The jokes, most storylines, and character developments beyond season four do not hold up. It’s almost like those episodes were written by out of touch white baby boomers. Oh, yeah, they were.

I need to pause and be proud of myself every now and again I’ve never been one to rest on their laurels. And I’ve never been one for daily affirmations or being really proud of making little steps toward a big goal. I’m not that shallow or weak. But being asked to write for The Atlantic and the President of the United States is pretty cool—and kind of a big deal. 

Our marriage should be good There’s never really a good time for anyone to put their marriage on coast, but I think we’ll be okay. At least for a little while, the need to panic over the state of our affairs is behind us. Katie and I managed to get through (most) of a global pandemic going into it a little burned out from parenthood and personal failings, but here we are, getting along better and generally pretty excited for the future of things. Maybe Katie has a different perspective on things. I don’t know. We don’t talk much. 

I do have Hollywood looks Despite how much I dislike my big nose and my twisted, bony frame, I always felt I was at least mostly good looking. Maybe even good looking by Hollywood standards. Tell me I don’t look like Adrian Brody or Steve Carrell or Mr. Bean or the new Elliot Page. I swear, I saw this photo of Page and my first thought was, “Holy shit, Elliot page has a picture of me in a Las Vegas pool in 2003. That’s weird.”

I’ve become almost perfectly comfortable with my discomfort with my American Judaism Too much to unpack right here right now. But I’m confident by age forty-three, I’ll have no problem telling American Zionists to fuck themselves in the face with an Uzi with the same passion I’d tell a Trump-supporting, Capitol-storming racist to fuck themselves with their stupid Confederate flags.

Paying attention pays off It’s easy to pay close attention to my son growing up. That’s the warning everyone gives new parents: pay attention because the time goes by so fast. I keep a good eye on the kid and his development and I try to appreciate all of the little moments. Thankfully, I have the Literate ApeCast as a solid documentation of this very thing. But paying close attention to your children makes it real easy to forget about yourself. And your partner. I’ve had to learn to pay better attention to everyone’s development in my household. Myself included. Keeping one eye on yourself helps keep you grounded, focused, and on task to be the Master of the Universe just like you always wanted to be.

 Keep going, kid, you’re not an old man yet.

[destinyimage]

Prophetic Word: A Holy Revolution is Upon Us – Will You Join?

God is coming and He is separating us.

Even within the believers He is looking for those who are willing to lay down everything to walk in uncompromising holiness, love, and the fear of the Lord. He is looking for those like Abraham who will lay everything on the altar (including fear of man) to be more aware of His presence in our lives. He wants those who won’t allow the world to taint their identity because we are so aware of how good our God is and how much of our lives He deserves. It is the path most difficult to take. It’s narrow and it is very costly, but it leads to eternal life in Jesus Christ. So few find it. So few are willing to give God their everything so that they can gain everything.

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The world hands us manipulation, deceit, and division if we are not careful. The American dream in itself is to become a successful business man or woman who can give to those around them and do more than their parents did. The fruit looks so good on this tree. I have tasted it myself, and while the temporary joys of success and money were great, outside of my true nature in Christ it led to depression and void and lost passion. Many times it is quite deceiving if we don’t keep watering our hearts with the Spirit and feeding our hearts with the word. The tree of knowledge of good and evil is a common tree for even believers to continue to eat from. It is all many of us have known because it’s all that was handed to us from those we have grown up around or because of the things we let in our eye gates and ear gates in media, entertainment, etc.

I’m convinced that there is a tree that has been planted for eternity in the hearts of God’s people called the tree of life. Many of us have read about this tree in the book of Genesis. The enemy always shows up handsome, alluring, tempting, and as a great rhetorician. In a moment if we are not prepared, like Adam and Eve, we can give in to this temptation. When God created us, He said we were good. Everything He created He called good. Our inheritance in Jesus Christ is to live a life abundant in His goodness and all things good, to know He is good, we are good, and everything we do is good.

We have become his poetry, a re-created people that will fulfill the destiny he has given each of us, for we are joined to Jesus, the Anointed One. Even before we were born, God planned in advance our destiny and the good works we would do to fulfill it! (Ephesians 2:10)

We have to stop pursuing dreams in our own strength and slapping His name to it like He is running alongside us. I know that sounds intense, but I have been on that road and it led to some self-inflicted and unnecessary pain. Yet He has a rhythm and timing of all things good on this earth that He longs to create alongside you and me. We cannot fulfill this good calling and these good works without the friendship and Lordship of our heavenly Father.

"We have to stop pursuing dreams in our own strength and slapping His name to it like He is running alongside us."  -- Jamie Lyn Wallnau

The Holy One

There is nothing like the presence of the Holy One. I have looked and I have searched, and in seasons when I was not rooted in relationship with Him and His word, I fell. Where I am today is a result of what Jesus has done to me—yes, to me and others. I am a victim of the blood of Jesus Christ, and because of it I am part of a holy revolution. He desires to ravish you with His loving kindness and friendship. His blood truly speaks a better word than our own strength and goals. All your dreams are nothing compared to the real dreams He has for you. You, my friend, were called to live a life so much more incredible than you could possibly ask for or imagine. He always out-dreams us. However, we must first lose this life to gain the one we are called to fulfill for all of eternity.

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On this journey I have had in pursuit of Jesus, I have seen measurable fruit. I am not who I was ten years ago, five years ago, a year ago, six months ago, etc. I am consistently becoming more pure and holy. I am consistently becoming more and more set apart for His glory and His goodness. The best part is, I am not trying to become any of these things. I just keep gazing into the heart and eyes of Jesus, and He is purifying me along the way. He has my whole heart. He can do with me and this life as He pleases. I get accused, I get laughed at, I get judged and criticized along the way. Jesus warns us about this in His word. It is worth it for me because I am laying it all down at His feet alongside my husband. The kingdom of heaven will be advanced and the very assignment and calling He has placed on our lives will be completely filled because we are in full pursuit of this man, Jesus.

Come to God through the narrow gate, because the wide gate and broad path is the way that leads to destruction—nearly everyone chooses that crowded road! The narrow gate and the difficult way leads to eternal life—so few even find it! (Matthew 7:13-14 TPT)

I have wept and wept and wept over this scripture. I cannot believe that we could be so caught up and distracted by the ways of this world that we would ever be caught on the broad path that leads to destruction. The crazy part is that I have been on this path and most of us have been, are, and if we are not careful can be. Jesus says that nearly everyone chooses that crowded road. It’s the narrow gate that is the difficult way, but it leads us to eternal life with Him. This is the core message in His word that I believe we carry on this earth, and I long to see us all take it together. There are painful and teachable moments of growth on this path and there are moments of others not understanding that come with it, but it is worth it because it is always with Jesus. The greatest part is that He knows what that feels like and how hard to make many decisions on this path are, because He came and walked this path, too. Still, He chooses to walk close with us the whole way again and again and again.

True Religion

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world (James 1:27 NIV).

Oftentimes, those who keep themselves from being polluted by this world are judged and criticized deeply. I think of how God said in 1 Corinthians 1:27 that He uses the foolish things to confound the wise. There were so many times in the past when I was too wise to let the foolish and godly thing wreck me for the better. I judged and criticized others for looking ridiculous and making a scene, so I missed out on the better thing. I even see many Christians blame others for being “too religious” for not drinking alcohol, listening to certain music, or watching certain things on television. Do we not see a time when the things that represent true religion in the eyes of our Father are the things we must stop judging and start seeking understanding on?

Many who blame others for being religious are the ones wrapped and engulfed in the ways of this world themselves and have no idea. The discomfort of the real gospel can make those who feel comfortable very uncomfortable, and sometimes the only way to feel better about their comfort is to accuse or deny how someone else is choosing to live with God. Can anyone relate? I have been guilty of this myself. I am grateful we serve a God who is kind, and His kindness is what has led me time and time and time again to repentance. He longs for us to seek Him so that these things can be revealed to us along the way.

My life has changed drastically in so many ways, and ten years ago I would have told you the way I am living now is too extreme. Today, I can’t escape my desire to love Jesus, and part of that is not doing things that grieve His heart or things that I genuinely don’t think He would do with me. This all has come with conviction, and only the Spirit of God can bring this. Not the spirit of Jamie Lyn or the spirit of whatever else that might try whispering. If you feel a tug of change in your heart, don’t delay—respond to that kind and loving voice within and watch how that ripple effect ignites a new way of life for you.

The warriors who will be part of the Holy Revolution won’t justify their flesh to stay comfortable. This will be a generation that responds to the tiny tug in their gut called the Holy Spirit. This generation will say, “God, why are You tugging on me here? Tell me what to do and I will do it.” Even if it means laying down something we have loved, loved, loved because we trust that what He is course-directing our time and affection to is far greater. We cannot live this way without knowing the man Jesus.

We are in a time when thousands are choosing to take this path with God. That’s why He released me to share this with you now. It’s time for us to see Him so we can know who we are and so that we can advance the kingdom of heaven on this earth—for eternity, together. There is a broad path that many of us have been on. Think about it—when the shaking comes in life and we are on the broad path, we start getting jolted up against those who are getting shaken alongside us. It’s so crowded, and the discomfort of the crowding causes us to be at war with one another. Most people choose this path. When we choose the narrow path and the shaking comes, we are not bumping up against everyone. We are able to see that the foundation we are standing on is strong and eternal. We get to be the peacemakers on this road while everything around us is shaking. We are on the path that gets brighter and brighter for those walking in righteousness. We also get to invite others on this path with us. We get to disciple and pray in this massive harvest.

Prayer for Holiness

Jesus, thank You for a clean and pure heart. I invite You to come clean house in my own heart. As I read this book, will You reveal to me what You desire me to know? I invite You to come into every crevice of my being to reveal who You are and who You say I am. I desire to encounter You, Father. Help me, Holy Spirit, to be one whom our Father finds on this path. I want You, Father, and I need You. Amen.

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[helloclaxe-blog]

Clace: In which Clary doesn’t want Jace to die so offers to give him her power in order to beat Sebastian/Jonathan. (Uses that scene from 2x19).

Note: I know I have requests in my inbox and I’ll try get around to them soon, I just really had the urge to write this after 2x19! 

Clary took a deep breath and closed er eyes. It was the first time in weeks she was able to spend more than ten minutes by herself, save for the few hours of sleep she managed to fit in each night. She played with the stele in her hands, fighting back the tears threatening to spill over. The war she’d been thrust into was coming to its peak, slowly building up over the past weeks. And now, being alone, she could finally and freely admit to herself that she was so incredibly scared. Everyone around her was so strong, able to handle everything thrown their way. Jace, Isabelle and Alec had learnt to stifle their fear and swallow down any emotion in order to get the job done. But Clary wasn’t like that, she’d grown up a mundane; she was a beacon of emotion she could barely contain. She loved deeply and cared too much, something she’d inherited from her mother. 

So she was scared. She was scared of dying herself, but she more scared of losing anymore people she cared about. She’s already lost her mother, and Dot who was like a sister to her, and Clary knew she couldn’t handle losing anyone else. Not Luke. Or Simon. Or Magnus. Or Isabelle, Jace and Alec. None of them, she didn’t want to lose any of them. 

She didn’t have any living family left, aside from her psychotic father and brother, so these people were the closest she had to family. Luke was like a father to her, and Simon like a brother. And Isabelle, Jace and Alec had somehow woven themselves into every fibre of her life. 

When she first found out about this world, she wanted to learn everything there was to know about being a Shadowhunter. So the three of them educated her, and trained her, and somewhere along the way they accepted her as one of their own. It had taken a while for them to warm up to her, raised together as children, the three of them were strong and brave and sceptical. But in the end they were drawn to her. Drawn to her ability to love, her warmth and her kindness. She was everything they weren’t, and it was like she was a way for them to stay connected to their humanity. They’d all bottled their emotion for so long, it was as if Clary forced them to bring them to the surface. Clary managed to keep the tears back as she put her stele back in her pocket. It had been interesting navigating the extra angel blood and the powers that came along with it, but now that the war was coming to a head, she hoped she could control whatever she possessed. Taking a deep breath, Clary tried to regain some sort of control on her emotion before heading out to her debrief. 

Alec, Jace and Issy were gathered in the operation room when Clary arrived. None of them looked happy. 

“What’s happened?” she question, a small panic rising in her.

Alec clenched his jaw and folded his arms. “Valentine and Jonathan were caught trying to portal to Idris. Presumably, they now know that the Mortal Mirror is there and not here.” 

Clary’s stomach dropped as Jace carried on talking. “The warlocks have put up wards around the city, no one with Nephilim blood can portal in or out of the city. So we’ve blocked them in. Now we just have to catch them before they figure out how to escape.” 

The fear and emotion Clary had just managed to squash down threatened to surface again. She took a deep breath. “So what are we gonna do? How are we going to find them?”

“We’ve got people searching,” Alec replied. “I have no idea how we’re going to stop them.” Alec looked at Jace and as he ran a tired hand over his face. “Valentine trained both you and Jonathan, so you’re our best shot at taking him down. Those demon powers he has may give them the upper hand.”

“And I’ve got angelic powers,” Jace said, putting a comforting hand on his brother’s shoulder as if to calm him down. “We’ll find them and I’ll take him out.”

“But what if you can’t,” Alec replied incredulously. “You don’t know how to control your powers.”

Jace shrugged, always calm and collected. “Just having the extra angelic blood makes me stronger and faster. I don’t need the powers. I can do it.”

Clary bit her lip nervously. Jonathan had almost killed her on his escape out of the Institute. She’d seen the hatred in his eyes, the pure evil look he’d given her. No matter how strong Jace thought he was, she wasn’t sure if he would be able to over power the thing Valentine had created in the devil’s image. 

Alec finished the meeting and the three Shadowhunters around her disbanded. Clary followed after Jace, grabbing his arm before he could disappear. He’d been avoiding her on and off for the past few weeks. 

“You’re going to take down Jonathan?” she questioned. 

Jace looked at her, his eyebrows cast downwards. He folded his arms. “If that’s what it takes.”

“But he could kill you,” Clary said, the panic rising. 

Jace gave Clary a look she couldn’t figure out, but it was gone as quick as it had surfaced. “People die in war, Clary.”

A knot formed in Clary’s throat and she couldn’t form any words to say. His words hit her like a tonne of bricks. She knew people died in war, had experienced it firsthand, but this was exactly the fear she had been trying to bottle up, and he was making it really damn hard. 

In the beginning, Jace didn’t take to Clary as easily as the others. Valentine had raised him until he was a young boy, teaching him to cap his emotions, teaching him that to love is to destroy. It had taken Clary alot to chip away at him, to fight his sourness with kindness. But she’d managed it eventually because opposites attract, really. Where Clary was kind, Jace was not. Where Clary was warm, Jace was cold and standoffish. Clary openly loved too much and cared too deeply, and Jace failed to do that. Jace definitely loved and cared about his family, but anything past that was a big black void. So Clary brought warmth to his life, whether he wanted it or not, and somewhere along the way they’d formed an unlikely friendship. 

It had helped that they both shared their angelic bond, but they hadn’t had much time to study it or learn control any further than when it surfaced randomly. Like at Lake Lyn, when Jace had managed to heal her with his Iratze rune. Clary still remembered the way she felt his power seep into her, like a warm embrace. She was drawn to it. And he’d been distant ever since, only checking in on her when Jonathan escaped. 

Clary snapped out of her thoughts when she realised Jace was still looking at her, waiting for a response. Except she didn’t have one, so her gaze dropped away from his. 

He let out a low breath. “I have to debrief my team. We leave to join the search in an hour.”

Jace left without waiting for Clary to reply. 

+

Clary couldn’t shake the fear, couldn’t bottle it up like everyone else. She paced her room nervously, mulling over everything, trying to figure out a way to keep everyone safe and simultaneously defeat Valentine and Jonathan. But of course she came up short, she was never going to find a way to do that. Hell, she’d only just managed to hold her own in a fight after months of training. Jace, Issy and Alec had been doing this since they’d learn to walk. She was almost near useless in a fight compared to them, if anything, she’d just get in the way. 

Clary kept pacing, her fear rising quickly when she gasped in shock. Her eyesight blurred and reappeared with new images. She knew her connection with the angel Raziel was proving her with a vision, like it had done a few times before. Clary stayed frozen in the middle of the room as flashes of images sifted through her mind, of her drawing new runes, of Jace’s eyes glowing gold, and of a rune she’d never seen before. The vision disappeared as quick as it come, leaving Clary gasping for air. She mulled over the message before it all clicked into place. Grabbing her stele, she went to look for Jace. 

She hurried through the maze of the Institute, frantically looking for that grimace and flop of blonde hair. Finally, after what felt like forever, she found him near the exit, briefing his team of Shadowhunters. 

“Jace,” she breathed. 

He dismissed his team and faced her. “We’re about to leave, Clary.”

“I know,” she replied. “I think I can help.”

He was already shaking his head before she’d even finished. “No way, you’re not coming on mission--”

“No,” she said, cutting him off. “I got another vision of a rune I could use to help.”

His jaw clenched and she knew he was contemplating dismissing her. He paused a second and Clary held her breath. It was a farfetched plan, she didn’t even know if it was going to work, and Jace knew that. He let out a deep breath. “Come on, let’s go to the courtyard where it’s quiet.” 

She nodded once and followed his lead. They emerged in the courtyard, where it was silent and undisturbed. Lit candles littered the concrete, a slight wind threatening to blow them out. Jace shed his jacket and Clary followed suit, then grabbed her stele. 

Jace stood in front of her with his arms crossed. She could see his mind ticking over, the frown was evident on his face as he looked at her. She stepped towards him, it was the closest they’d been since Lake Lyn she realised. Clary held out her arm and began to draw the rune she saw in her vision. 

“Alec said you were the only one who could take Jonathan out because Valentine trained you both,” she explained as her arm began to burn from the rune. “But his demon powers may give him the upper hand. I can’t help fight, but the vision I was sent made it seem like I could give you my power.”

The rune seemed to burn as expected, so at least she got that right, but as she said her plan aloud, it all sounded silly. She felt her face redden, but she tried to believe it would work. “I know it sounds like it won’t work, but this coming from the girl who can shoot sunlight out of her hand and make portals out of thin air.” 

She tried for a smile as she spoke, and Jace managed one in return as he said, “Well, sometimes.”

“Well--” she had nothing as she cut herself off with a smile. He was right, she could sometimes do these things so who knew if this would work. She was about to scratch the whole plan when Jace stepped forward, as if he knew she was doubting herself. She looked at him and he nodded once, as if to say he believed whatever she was trying to do was going to work. 

She bit her lip and gripped her stele. She was about to give him some of her power, and something about it seemed so intimate, so raw. But she knew it was the right thing to do, because she didn’t want him to die, and she would do whatever it took to keep that from happening. 

Nervously, Clary gripped the bottom of his shirt and tugged it upwards. The image in her head showed she had placed the rune over Jace’s heart, as if that was the direct link to his power. 

“I have to draw the rune over your heart,” Clary felt the need to explain as she tried to pull his shirt higher. It wasn’t giving her easy access though, so as confidently as she could, she said, “Could you...”

Jace got the gist of it and pulled his shirt over his head. Clary swallowed dryly and kept her eyes on the blank spot on his chest. She felt her power swirling around in her, so bracing her hand up against his chest, she drew the same rune on him. 

It began to glow instantly, and Jace looked down at her, suddenly aware of how close they were. She felt her hand against his chest, the cool tip of the stele and the burning of the rune. He was all too aware of everything, as if having her this close with all that power she was harvesting was causing his senses to heighten. Jace looked down at the rune as Clary finished drawing it, and when he glanced back, she was looking at him so deeply he couldn’t take his eyes of her. 

Clary felt her runes light up, as Jace’s did the same, glowing such a dazzling gold. He had been avoided eye contact as she drew in such an intimate spot on his body, but as soon as it lit up, he had looked directly at her. She wasn’t expecting the intensity of it, but for some reason it felt right, and she couldn’t look away. 

She could feel her power growing inside of her, harvesting just underneath her skin waiting to be used, waiting to be directed somewhere. It was heating her from the inside out and she savoured it. And as Clary looked up at Jace, she knew the rune was working, knew that whatever connection they shared allowed her to pass on her power. She could feel it seeking out his, seeking out him. 

The moment was so raw, so intimate, and Clary felt so vulnerable. But it was in that moment that she finally realised why she was so drawn to him, why she felt so connected to him. It was the angelic power that had linked them before they even knew it, before they formed a friendship, before they formed whatever relationship they had going now. The feelings swirling around her were powerful, but she felt so connected, so centred. It was the first time since her mother died that Clary actually felt balanced. 

She felt Jace raise his hand to her face, cupping it gently, and leaned into his touch. She felt her power seeping out of her and into him, and with every fibre of her being, she knew it was the right thing to do. She didn’t want him to die today, so she was willing to do whatever it took to keep him alive. 

The power inside of her was almost overwhelming, enough so that her eyes fluttered shut for a second, as if to focus on what was leaving her. But when she managed to keep her eyes open, they were locked on Jace’s. The connection was like nothing she’d ever felt before. It was otherworldly, a feeling Clary had never experienced or expected. And even though the power seeped out of her, she felt more alive than ever. 

Clary just needed to be close to Jace, she needed him to take her power, needed him to be strong enough to defeat Jonathan. Her eyes fluttered shut again and she felt herself lean towards him, wanting to be as close as possible, the power drawing her in. She guessed he felt the same, because Jace didn’t hesitate in bringing his arms around her, pulling her against his body. 

Clary’s eyes fluttered shut once more and their runes continued to glow brightly. Their power continued to mix, and the for the first time in a long time, Clary felt whole again. 

_______________________________________

This moment was so amazing I know my writing could never do it justice, but this is how I picture that scene as opposed to the tracking storyline they went with. My clace heart! Hope you enjoyed. 

With love,

P x