#his dad was just mad because he lost the shrink ray?

[mattypattypinky]

VECTOR'S PSYCHOPATHIC TENDENCIES

I'M GONNA CRY

This is so funny 😭

[transformezzzzzz]

Alright, looks like I’m back on a transformers binge so fluffy, nobody is dead au where oopsie doodle magic science shit happens and all the clones get to teleported to the transformers universe and get to hang out on Griffin Rock.

( for y’all that don’t know what the hell im taking about griffin rock is the town these 4 transformers are assuming to protect after they come out of stasis to find that their planet can no longer sustain life after their 4 million year war and their mission is to serve and protect the humans and learn from them now that their calling earth their new home and they live with a family of rescue workers, the show is called transformers rescue bots and it’s a really cute light fluffy show filled with adventure I think you all would like it, you can pirate it just about anywhere)

Reasons they should go there:

Ghosts

Dinosaur island

Mad scientists

The blob

Dream gremlins

Hella robots

Conspiracy theorist news reporter

A cross eyed lion

Expired bunker meat that turns people into Bigfoot

Realistic family and friend interactions

Mayor with a fake toupee

Teleportation via bugs

Weather machines

Time travel

Constant volcanic eruptions

A cat named Mr. pettypaws

Optimus Prime gets hunted for sport as a dinosaur

Meteorites

Twin shoplifting criminal masterminds

The main antagonist is from like, the 1920’s and is quite fruity and wears a monocle and he ends up walking into the sunset with Jules Verne

Local man who gets around via helicopter jet pack

Constant natural disasters

Robo babies

Bread Santa clause

Local grouchy old lady who believes in fairies

Spelunking

Multiple dooms day devices

Island of misfit tech

The liberty bells Lind lost cousin

The Bermuda Triangle

Space worm vampires

Sports car James Bond

Pirates

Virtual reality

FLYING LOBSTERS

Mark Hamill

Crazy uncle you only ever see once a year

Jungle tower

Helicopter that’s afraid of heights

Bulldozer that likes to pain with mashed up peas

Police car that would jail you for not using the cross walk

Fire truck with anger issues

SHRINK RAY

SERBO THE ROBO DOG

So Mr.Burns is the police chief and the father of the Burns family and he is a lot like plo Kloon and I really think y’all would love this show

but I think this would be a really great place for the clones to be safe in and relax, have some shenanigans. HELLA SHENANIGANS. But the 501st, the 212th, the 104th and the Coriscant guard are definitely in this, fuck it the alpha arcs are there too.

But I really want waxer and boil to interact with mr. petty paws the cat, and for whatever reason unbeknownst to the locals Ms.Neaderlander loves the two boys. Waxer: *picking up the cat and petting him* Boil: huh, that’s a funny looking loth cat.

Or the one kids nickname is Cody and I want a scene she his dad, Chief burns is trying to find him and yells “CODY” and commander cody who was near by just turns on his heels and is like “yes chief burns?” And the chief is like no not you, my son, thank you tho. And Cody’s like :( what am I chopped liver and chief just sighs.

Bolder trying to teach the clones how to pain and Dogma loves it. Dogma would also love Chase and not at all because they would talk about da rules, no no, I think they have that somewhat in common but Dogma would more find comfort in the fact that Chase isn’t very spontaneous, he’s calculated, trustworthy and likes to do things step by step and I think Dogma would vibe with that.

When Danny cooks everyone crys except Sinker because he will eat anything, I think he would also eat the expired bunker spam on purpose.

Oddball and the other pilots help Blades be less afraid of flying and teaching him different maneuvers.

The 501st getting lost in the tunnel system and accidentally end up walking all the way over to dinosaur island and get to see cool crystals and almost get eaten by the dinosaurs. Hardcase when he finds out the crystals are highly flammable: *explosion thoughts intensity*

Heatwave and Wolffe would get into a snark off contest.

I fell Alpha-17 might enjoy the trails that run through Griffin Rocks wilderness. He would maybe make friends with the local black bear population on accident because he didn’t know what they were and that they were not friendly and he walked into one on a hike and he was like🧍damn that’s a big ass dog, a funny looking fellow really, ay buddy do you want this cliff bar? And the bear is like 🧍wtf is this guy doing, should I eat him? But eventually 17 and the bear are buddies and he brings the bear back and is like “hey chief check out the dog I found “ and chief is like “how many times do I have to tell everyone no dogs-👁👄👁”

Wooley,soup, and toast would be fascinated with the bakery

They all participate in the Burn family tradition of game night weather they like it or not

Kix, Fives, Hardcase, Jesse, Hevy, Boost, Gree, Oddball, Gregor, Neyo, Thorn and Barcara would participate in helping test doc Greens weird little machines

Every Friday is disco and karaoke night at one of the local bars and they all go out and party. They also like going to the roller skating rink where they can also jam to 2011 type pop.

Rex, Monnk and Ponds enjoy chief Burns company and like going fishing with him and going out on the boat.

Pls I could go on and on but please feel free to add onto this, Griffin Rock is already so god damn weird so the sky is the limit go crazy

I know this is very much a crack au but It makes me so sad when the clones suffer and they deserve to be happy damn it, I apologize to my many followers who have no idea what the hell im talking about.

[opal-lakes]

Some ramblings of TUA2 because I have some THOTS

p> Unfortunately found out about Ben right before I started watching so it instantly kinda made me not enjoy this season at first? I don’t know if it cause I legit didn’t enjoy it as much as the first or if it’s cause that fact alone soured it for me.

> Wasn’t looking forward to the whole cult thing and boy I didn’t like waiting it, feels super weird the comic relief character gets put in charge of a cult?

>ALSO! Why is Klaus’ powers no longer relevant? The whole issue in s1 was him being sober meant he was surrounded by ghosts and couldn’t handle it but the only glimpse of ghosts we got was in the opening of episode one, and the two friendly caspers that caught him in the finale. (I didn’t have tooo much hope with consistency with his powers cause that seemed to be an issue in season 1 anyway but like, oof that was a lot of characterisation out the window huh? did his trauma just go away?)

>Also they totally teased us with levitating and you BET I am mad about that!

>Ray is an absolute gem and seeing him and Allison together is so good they deserved each other, I get their reasonings to be apart but damn dude shit was so wholesome :/

>The scene at dinner where Reggie belittles Diego?? and how Diego begins to shrink and hunch in on himself as Reginald continues to mock him?? Reginald deserved worst then death jfc

>Also it was so unnecessary to show an up-close of poor bb Pogo going from a chill little lab monkey to exploding in a spaceship that hurt man

>Around episode 7 I suddenly remember the date Lila’s parents died and was just waiting for her powers to finally be revealed oh that was *chef’s kiss*

>It’s a crime that they didn’t include the whole “IM A GAZELLE AND THE JUNGLE IS MY HOME” I was just waiting for that to happen and it didn’t and my disappointment is immeasurable.

>Is Ben being able to possess people just a ghost thing or is it an extension of Klaus’ powers? If it’s not does that mean all ghosts can possess people? Does that mean people claiming to be possessed in real life are actually possessed? Hello??

>The scene where Allison finds Klaus and runs straight into the pool to hug him? Allison and Klaus and Vanya getting drunk while they wait for the world to end and have a dance number? Bless

>Also Allison finding Klaus on the floor and seriously asks him what's wrong, hearing his problem and deciding that yep it’s 5 o’clock somewhere and processes to get smashed is iconic.

>Luther really needs to stop projecting fatherly love on any older man that so much looks his way, it’s not gonna happen bud screw your dad and just get a dog jfc

>Emo!Ben! Emo!Ben!

>Kinda would of loved to seen more of Carmichael, weird little fish dude he was fun!

>Also what’s with TUA humanizing these villains, first Hazel and now they’re making me feel bad waiting an assassin murder his brother against his will like damn.

>Also Hazel!! He was way to good to kill off he deserved better (and so did Agnes THAT was cheap)

>Klaus getting punched by the love of his life while someonw chant’s “punch the queer!” was the only scene I actually cried out, jesus that wasn’t fun to watch.

>Allison forced to watch Ray get dragged off and knowing fully well what’s about to happen and having the ability to stop it but can’t multiple times was awful and Allison really needs a spa day she’s had too much shit this season (she lost her daughter then her husband and there was nothing she could do about it ! Jesus!)

>I super didn’t like the whole ‘another academy but better’ from the comics and was super surprised to just see that pop up, buuut that means we’re guaranteed to see more emo!ben so that’s fun, is the rest of the academy the others just actually what Reginald wanted them to be? Is it a whole different set of people with Ben thrown in, why is Ben on the mantle but there alive? Did he do a Five and peaced out for a few years? What the fuck?

>Also canon Ben’s funeral scene, that was rough buddy.

>Ended up enjoying the last few episodes more then I thought (I think around 743 was where I was officially intrigued), first season was defiantly my favourite overall but this season did some good shit with developing those shit heads! They’re almost like civilised people now! (almost!)

[headoverjojo]

Ah! I literally screamed when you posted that the askbox was open. Here is my request. Pretty angsty but also fits well with the characters I think. Anyway here is my request: "What if La Squadra (separately for each) learned that they have a little daughter (born stand user, 5yrs) from a one night stand they once had? How would they react to their long lost and unnoticed offspring? Wants to connect to them or wants nothing to do with them? Love your blog!!! I literally read it everyday!!!

Hello, sweetie! Aaaaah, noooo, too kind, you’re too kind, but thank you for your sweetness :,) And for your request! Deliciously angst~ let’s go!

La Squadra learning they have a little daughter from a one night stand

(under the cut for length!)

Risotto Nero

He’s totally taken aback when he knows he has a child. No, not a simple child. A daughter. A beautiful, healthy daughter, from what he heard. Still, he doesn’t believe it until he sees a picture of her: her hair are of her mother, as some of her traits, but the eyes… oh, the eyes are his. That little girl has his red eyes. She’s really his daughter.

His role as Capo is too important and dangerous and this impedes him to present himself to his daughter. Still, this doesn’t stop him from using Metallica to hide himself and watch her from afar, as a protective invisible figure. If he sees her in danger, he’s immediately ready to help, both by chasing away some children mean to her because of her eyes, both if she’s about to fall down. He can’t let his daughter to be hurt.

He’ll watch over her for all her life, silently, without revealing himself. He follows her progresses at school, he sees her happiness and sadness, even if in this case he aches to go to console her, the moment when she uses her stand for the first time, from afar… he leaves as much money as he can in her mother’s mail; he wants to contribute to his daughter’s growth. Even if the girl has never seen him, she knows that someone -and she believes it’s her dad- watches over her since she was just a little child.

Prosciutto

He almost chokes when he comes to know he has a what?! A child? Him?! What the hell, he had always been careful! Still, the photos -and Melone’s tests- don’t lie. This little blond girl is really his daughter. The awareness slowly sinks in him, making him almost tremble. He has a daughter… a little girl he has never seen.

His first instinct would be to go and talk to the mother, to the child, but… he knows he can’t. Doing so, he’d drag them in his dark world and he doesn’t want to involve his little girl in his criminal life. They… they’ll stay better without him. But this doesn’t mean that he’s going to forget about her. He tries his best to watch over her from afar, silently cherishing for her and protecting her when someone dares to get on her way.

Even if he thinks his child never noticed him, the kid did it, oh, she really did it. She never missed the scary-looking blond man who always was far from her, watching over her, how his eyes followed the “imaginary friend” she had since she was a toddler… she felt protected. Her mother never talked about her father, but… she feels that that man is him. That her father is watching over her and this feeling grows as he grows up. The man is always here, always. He’s in the shadow both for school events -which he never misses- both when she’s in trouble. He’s always here for his little girl.

Pesci

He’s utterly shocked when Illuso tells him that, from his investigations, resulted that he had a daughter. What… when?! He always was careful, as his aniki always reminded him! Still… there’s a child. His child. A little princess with his same eyes and smile… who doesn’t know who her dad is.

He’s struggling, he doesn’t know what to do. What if his daughter hates him for his absence? What if the mother doesn’t want him to see the child? What if, what if… a lot of doubts that almost drive him crazy. In the end, he decides to approach the mother, apologizing with her for all these years of silence: he simply didn’t know he had a daughter and, with his line of work, communications aren’t exactly easy…

In the end, the mother accepts to let him see the little girl. Pesci is ecstatic and so is his daughter: now she has a papa! And her mom always talked well about Pesci, so they can immediately establish a good relationship. From then on, Pesci tries to be here as much as he can -and as mission goes- for his little ray of sun, also helping her to control her stand. His daughter adores him, now that he’s in her life she doesn’t want him to go away, never more. She is the main source of Pesci’s strength and resolve: he has to come back home for her.

Formaggio

He doesn’t believe it. I can’t be true. He has a child? A daughter? Pff, it’s madness. It simply can’t be. He doesn’t know how to be a father, he can’t be one. Still… the picture Melone shows him moves something in his heart. That little girl is… so similar to him when he was a child… but it’s not enough. He wants more proof.

And Melone gives it to him in the form of DNA tests: the girl is really his daughter. He needs a bit to recover from the news, to associate that little smiling face to… to his daughter. He is a father and he didn’t even know. Still… by now it’s too late to try to build a relationship. His daughter is safer without him in her life. But there always a little part of him that imagines how it would have been to have her near, to watch her grow.

This is what leads him to check on her shrinking down, not to be seen. In this way, he can follow her around and watch her achievements -cheering for her at every school play- and boiling in anger when someone is mean to her -and this someone will learn that it’s better not to mess with the daughter of one of the Squadra Esecuzioni-. He’d be here also to see, amazed, as she uses her stand for the first time, feeling a bubbling pride in his chest. That’s his little girl!

Melone

He never thought it could have been possible. He’s an expert, he always was more than careful… and it wasn’t enough, apparently? He has… a child? The pictures don’t lie. The girl has a case of heterochromia, right as him. And she also looks very similar to his dad… but still, he doesn’t know how it all could have happened.

After the first moment of shock, he’s ecstatic. He’s a dad!! He has a baby girl! He wouldn’t stop to talk about her for days, ‘till he finally goes to the mother, explaining her the whole situation. He’s ecstatic to be accepted in hers and his child’s life. Now that he can interact with her, he sees that the little girl has his same interest in living beings, biology… he’s going to teach her everything he knows, step by step, careful not to slide in also assassination notions.

He’s marvelled the first time he sees his little girl using her stand. It’s wonderful, it’s amazing! From then on, he starts to help her also with her stand and his training will reveal itself really useful for the next years. Melone reveals himself as a caring father, with his real child; he does his best to keep work completely out of her and the mother’s lives, not to put them in danger. His child ends up to quickly grow attached to her father, missing him dearly when he’s on long missions and she can’t even call him.

Illuso

Illuso found out by himself and took his time in the mirror world to think about the whole news. A girl… He thought he had been careful, damn! But here there is the irrefutable truth about his fatherhood: a photo and a test. He has to keep this secret… no one can know he has a daughter, or she could be in danger.

Still, even if for a first period he thought about forgetting this all, he just couldn’t do it. Now that he knows, he has to be sure she’s fine and safe, that she’s happy… so he uses the mirrors to always check her. She noticed the man in the mirror, but she never was scared: she waved at him and he waved at her, feeling his heart aching. If only he could have really stayed near her and help her to grow up…

In the end he can’t restrain himself anymore. When she needs him, he exits the mirror, to help her with her homeworks or her stand. Her mother doesn’t know about her “friend of the mirror” and Illuso has no intentions to tell her anything. Actually, Illuso never said even to her daughter about their relationship, but his daughter is observant and smart, just like him. She noticed their similarities and didn’t take a lot to connect the dots and understand it all. She’s even happier, now: her father hadn’t abandoned her… it’s always with her.

Ghiaccio

He’s livid, when he comes to know about it. Not with the mother, not with the girl, but with himself. He should have been more careful. With his thoughtlessness he put the mother and even the child in danger. His job is too dangerous, he could die every moment, every mission could be his last one… he can’t put this weight on their shoulders.

And so he never approaches them. From time to time he asks Illuso to check them, to see if they’re doing fine. When he can, he anonymously sends money to them, to help them with their life. Sometimes he asks Illuso for new pictures, just to check how the girl is growing. No one is allowed to see the soft smile that spread on his lips when he watches the pictures… he’s proud of his girl.

As she grows up, Ghiaccio is always informed about her progresses. His heart roars, when he hears she has a stand, a stand strong and powerful as her father’s one. He wants her as far as possible from mafia and frankly he’s relieved that his daughter has not his bad temper: this will help her not to end up like her father. Still, he’s proud of every choice she makes, protecting her indirectly from every danger she could meet. His daughter would never know that there’s someone always watching over her.

[noneatnonedotcom]

Sweet Comedic Relief

this is a continuation of practice makes perfect. it was edited by @fireloom the reason for this story was that i wanted to show the twins still being the twins even after they start their relationship. with all that said i hope you enjoy the story and feel free to leave a review if you saw something you liked.

It was a normal afternoon for the pines twins. With school being the way it was, Dipper had taken to simply doing his work at school. Then helping Mabel with hers when they got home. The girl wasn’t stupid by any means. She just liked the pretense of study breaks being making out sessions.

She could just ask but where was the fun in that?

“Sorry Mabel, I can’t help you tonight. I’ve got some research to do for the school paper. Can you believe that they still don’t believe in ghosts? Some educators, right?” He said, ending his statement with an exasperated tone directed at the public school system.

“Oh. That’s fine, Dipper,” she said as Dipper walked away.

She narrowed her eyes. Dipper had just made a powerful enemy. No one took away her makeout time with her bro bro.

No. One.

Operation Sweet Relief was a go.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The plan was simple.

One: Dipper would open his door.

Two: the water would fall out of the bucket, soaking him.

Three: she’d be a good sister and get him out of those clothes...

Four: Profit.

Now she only had to wait. She snuck out to the end of the hallway and went down a few of the stairs so her head was hidden. She tried to keep from laughing.

“So, what are we doing?” Asked Dipper, whispering beside her.

“I’m gonna soak Dipper with this bucket of water,” she responded, not looking away.

“How do ya know he’s in there?” Dipper asked.

“Heard him moving around in there.”

“That was waddles.”

“Oh?” asked Mabel, looking beside her [Make the joker here more clear]

“Yeah I went to get a snack,” he said. [or do it here] “What ya get?” she asked, curious.

“Chocolate pudding. Want some?”

“Yeah! I love chocolate. Thanks,” she said, happily letting Dipper give her a spoon full. Dipper deserved a reward. She leaned in and gave him a kiss which he returned but before they could continue he stopped her.

“Hey. You should probably get Waddles then,” he said. “Don’t want him in the room with what we’re about to do.” he finished with a smirk .

“ON IT!” Shouted Mabel, running over to open the door and let Waddles out.  “Waddles! I need you to go in the living room for a bit. Mom and dad need som-” suddenly... she was soaking wet. The bucket had fallen right on top of her. It’s moments like these that Mabel wished we wasn’t so damn good at setting traps...

“Wow Mabel! You are WET!” Dipper called, laughing at his joke as he walked past her and shooing waddles out of the room before closing the door on her.

“WELL AT LEAST DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT YA JERK, I WAS PROMISED SEXY TIMES!”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay well that didn’t work... What now?

A snare!

This one would work. She’d just capture Dipper and then take what she wanted from him after that’s done.

Solved.

No problem!

Mabel, once again, hid, watching as Dipper walked through the door to the kitchen.

Dipper screamed from the kitchen and Mabel ran through the door.

“AH HA!”  She yelled, her triumph evident and her reward at hand. “NOW YOU SEE THE POWER OF MABE-AHHHHHHHHHH!” she screamed as the snare wrapped around her leg, hanging her upside down before Dipper’s crotch walked into view.

“The power of who?” asked Big Dipper.

“Oh no! My big, strong brother is standing in front of me. Oh what terrible fate will befall me?”

“I’ll be merciful and let you go,” said Dipper.

“You don’t have to!” Mabel responded. “I do deserve to be punished!”

“Nah, it’s fine.”

“You sure? I mean, when else are you gonna get this chance?”

“Mabel, I’m cutting you down,” said Dipper, simply.

“NO DIPPER PLEASE!”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mabel sat down and pouted on the floor. She could just ask, but then he wouldn’t let her hear the end of it! she could just hear it now...

“Mabel, you didn’t have to make elaborate traps.”

“Mabel, we literally could have just made out.”

“Mabel that last one was a fire hazard! Remember what happened at our last school? I can’t use the memory gun again. It took forever to get it working that one time and I refuse to kill our principal with the shrink ray flashlight.”

THAT’S IT, THE FLASHLIGHT!

Mabel dug a small hole outside, taking the turf off the lawn so she could put it back later. Then she placed an empty can of soda in the small hole so it was just barely fitting. Then she shone the flashlight on it, expanding the can and forcing the dirt away into a perfectly shaped pit. While not deep and frankly easy to climb out of, it would stop Dipper from getting away. Final step: she shrunk the can and covered the hole with the grass turf she had moved before. It looked exactly the same as it always did, but now, when she lured Dipper outside with the promise of Mabel booty, he would fall into the pit and she could have sexy times with her bro bro!

Genius!

“Oh Dipper!” She called, sweetly, using her most seductive voice. She heard him moving around. She quickly took off her sweater and laid in her most seductive pose. It was hot out, sure, but she was hotter and Dipper would gladly give up the air conditioned inside to look at her sweater puppies without their coverings.

When Dipper came running outside though, she damn near lost her self control! The boy was shirtless and dang did he look good! Was that some muscle?

Why yes, Mabel... I think it is.

“Hey Mabel, looks like we had the same idea,” Dipper said with that really cute smile. “What ya say we go inside and...” His voice got low and sultry, “play around a bit.”

Mabel got up and sprinted for her brother. She was just about to launch into her tackle when the ground gave out underneath her. She fell into the pit. Right into her own trap... AGAIN!  Over the edge, looking down was Dipper.

“Well if you wanted me to get into your holes that bad, next time just ask,” Dipper laughed at his own joke as Mabel started climbing out.

He had walked inside so Mabel chased after him. the thirteen year old girl had had enough. She was gonna rock her bro bro’s world or so help her!

Dipper took off his shorts as he walked into the bathroom. “You know, Mabel, you’re a pretty dirty girl,” he said, giving her a kiss that had her nearly forget about why she was mad. “But that’s the part I love about you.” she smiled. So did he.

“Still, before we get into bed I think you need to wash up.” she groaned. She just wanted to fuck her bro bro! couldn’t anything be easy? “Hey none of that,” he said in a stern voice. “Don’t worry. I’ll help you,” he said, helping her strip. Now they were both down to their birthday suits. He turned on the water and stepped in, Mabel just after. She could barely contain her glee. Dipper held her against the wall and kissed her as the warm water dripped off of them and things were perfect.

“You know you’re gonna have to fill in that hole before mom and dad get back,” he said with a smile.

“Funny enough, I was about to say the same thing,” she replied with a nip at Dippers chin. “Well bro bro? You gonna fill the hole?” her smile went wide as she felt her brother do just that. This was her favorite part of their sibling fights now.

All in all, operation Sweet Relief was a HUGE success.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dipper walked out of the house at three in the morning with a shovel. This was not uncommon for the boy and while the neighborhood was abuzz with gossip as to what he could be doing at night with a shovel, most simply enjoyed the rumors and moved on with their lives.

Tonight though, they knew what the boy was doing.

They knew because they could hear the young boy muttering to himself as he filled the hole in the front yard that his sister had dug for some reason. What he was muttering was hotly contested. Some said he was doing a spell, others said he was simply cursing Mabel or singing a song. If they could actually hear what was being said they would know the only things Dipper said were all along the lines of:

“Freaking Mabel and her stupid sex traps...”

Still, these things were said with a smile. After all, his plan to get Mabel so riled up that they would have sex again was a complete success.

He could have simply asked.

But where was the fun in that?

[junker-town]

The Adrian Beltre Encyclopedia

This is everything you need to know about the wonderful Adrian Beltre, the newest member of MLB’s 3,000 hit club.

Adrian Beltre is about to reach 3,000 hits in the major leagues (has just reached, etc.), and in celebration of his varied, humorous, and never boring career, it’s time to celebrate all the amazing things that have cemented him as one of the most entertaining people in the league at any given moment.

Whether it’s his phobia of people touching his head (he’s serious guys, stop it!), his defensive prowess on the hot corner year after year, or the spontaneous moments in games and in the dugout that give you insight into his personality, Belter is a non-stop barrel of laughs. Even when he doesn’t mean to be.

To try and get those laughable, unique moments all in one place, this is the Adrian Beltre Encyclopedia.

Anti-Head Touching

This might be one of the most memorable pieces of Beltre’s entire career, and it doesn’t even have anything to do with his on-field achievements. He truly, sincerely, does not like people touching his head.

If you do so, you will set him off with a mini-tantrum of frustration which is truly, sincerely hilarious to everyone involved but him. Baseball is filled with perfectly juvenile behavior whether it be in the clubhouse, on road trips, or on the field. But people touching Beltre’s head might be the best example of this and something that never gets old.

Camera Man Check-In

Back in 2011, Beltre had a three-homer game against the Rays. During his first home run trot around the bases, a TBS cameraman followed him down the third base line to home, carrying his camera to track Beltre’s jog.

And then that cameraman absolutely ate it, breaking parts of his camera in the process. Even though he was mere feet from home, Beltre wasn’t about to let the moment pass without a reaction so he pointed and cracked a smile at the poor bloke laying on the turf. It wasn’t blatantly mean-spirited, which is what makes it a funny moment and not a cruel one.

Defensive Dives

Yes, his one-knee home runs are fun and all, but Beltre’s defense is the other half of what has secured his longevity in the league thus far and sometimes his work at third is more fun to watch than his hits (sometimes). Whether it’s a diving stop in the infield to keep a runner from advancing or a lunge to the foul line followed by a jaw-dropping throw to first, his amazing skills while manning third base are a consistent reminder of how valuable he is on both sides of the ball.

Death Stares

We’ve established (and will continue to establish) that Beltre’s teammates love messing with him, and that he will flip out if you annoy him in various ways. But there are also moments where he doesn’t go nuts if people are messing around, he will simply bore a hole in your very essence with one of the best death stares in the game.

Fun With Felix

Felix Hernandez and Beltre were teammates for five years, and we’re sure that tons of fun was had between the two during that span. But they’ve only become more entertaining from an outsider’s perspective since Beltre left Seattle, and boy have they had some classic moments over the years.

There was the “oh shit!” home run off of Felix that Beltre couldn’t believe.

There was the time when Beltre lined out right into Felix’s glove and Felix tossed it right back to him as he walked back to the dugout.

Sometimes the moments aren’t as blink-and-you’ll-miss-them, like the one game where they spent more or less the entire time jawing at each other jokingly back and forth.

Best Friends Forever!

Elvis Andrus Moments

When Adrian Beltre was traded to the Rangers, he was coming off of a stint in Boston where wide swaths of people seemed to really notice him for the first time. It’s not like he wasn’t a good player during his decade-plus in Los Angeles and Seattle, but it wasn’t the same national Beltre experience as fans know now.

So going to the Rangers, not only were his antics known and recognized, but he found a partner in crime to share his goofs with and we couldn’t be happier this happened.

Elvis Andrus and Beltre have more fun messing with each other on the field than possibly any other combination of players in the league. Even when they look mad at each other, you can tell it’s in a love way like people who have been friends since childhood.

It might happen during a huddle on the mound or a break during an inning, but the best moments between these two are when they goof off while in the process of making plays. I mean, just look at these two and try not to crack a smile.

While there are baseball friendships all across the league, there isn’t one as present on the diamond as this one. Nor one that adds to the entertainment of the game in quite the same way.

First Base Ump Fun

Beltre is a shrewd strategist sometimes, even when he’s being cheeky about things. One major example of this is his frequent referrals to the first base ump when he checks his swing. By jumping into action before the home plate official can say a word, he tries for the more sympathetic call immediately and hopes to turn things in his favor.

Even when it doesn’t work out though, his eagerness to get an answer from the ump and the way he points down the first base line is a sight to see.

Hitting For The Cycle

Beltre has hit for the cycle three times in his career, once for Seattle and twice for the Rangers. However, the cycle he hit while playing for the Mariners actually happened against the Rangers, in Arlington.

Which means he is the only person in the history of the league to hit for the cycle three times in the same ballpark. He’s only one of four people to hit for the cycle three times, period. And the last person to do that before Beltre completed the feat in 1933.

Just a fun tidbit that allows us to marvel at his sometimes unbelievable skills, which can get lost amongst his shenanigans.

Home Runs From His Knees

This might be his signature move, and one that he can’t even explain with any certainty as to why it happens. In 2016, Beltre attempted to explain the phenomenon to MLB.com saying,

I don't like doing it, but it normally happens on breaking balls -- when I'm trying to fight off a breaking ball. Somehow my knee goes down and I just see the ball and swing. I don't like doing it, I wish I could stop doing. I think it hurts me more than it helps me. Sometimes when I go to one knee I think that I could've hit the ball better if I didn't. But it happens and it's just reaction. I've been doing it too long to change now.

Good thing he can’t really fix that, as it’s incredible to watch every single time he pulls it off.

Trying to figure out how he is able to generate that type of power from one knee, and the quickness with which he pivots to the ground, is remarkable to say the least.

Listed Age

Beltre was the weirdo prospect who was actually younger than his listed age.

Boras eventually got Major League Baseball to review the case and after a lengthy investigation, they determined that the Dodgers in fact had signed Beltre when he was 15. The signing age for international amateurs is 16.

The Dodgers fudged his age in reverse, and they got slapped with a bunch of penalties for it. Only Adrian Beltre can show up to his major league debut and well-actually Scott Boras about his age.

On-Deck Circles

Adrian Beltre likes his on-deck circles where he likes his on-deck circles. When an ump asks him to move from the spot where he is warming up to the designated on-deck area, he decides: “Nah.”

So he slides the on-deck circle to where he’d like it to be instead of just acquiescing, and gets promptly ejected.

Has there ever been a more perfect distillation of who Adrian Beltre is as a baseball player and a person? Maybe. Has there ever been a funnier distillation of who Adrian Beltre is as a baseball player and a person? Not even close.

Popup Fakeouts

This mostly has to do with his Andrus bond, but Beltre has never met an easy popup he couldn’t exploit for his own benefit. It’s usually just distracting enough to be funny but not dangerous, and Beltre enjoys doing it so dang much it’s hard not to appreciate the joke along with him.

Raising His Son Right

This is pretty self explanatory in that his son, Adrian Beltre Jr., is not only adorable but is mimicking his father as he grows up just like many kids do. However it’s better than a normal kid specifically because his dad is Adrian Beltre.

Beltre Jr. has mimicked his dad’s swing pre-game (and hit some bombs while he was at it!), taken part in some pretty intense games of father-son catch where he showed off some serious sidearm toss skills, and just been an all around mini-me to his dad. With Beltre being such a character, we would be remiss if we didn’t hope for that trend to keep going and the world to grant us another baseball Beltre.

Ridiculous Base Path Running

I mean...he’s the best. How can you not enjoy this.

Or this.

What a goof.

Slow Dribblers

He has no patience for them. Who does? Those balls that come rolling through the infield moving slower than molasses, causing nothing but frustration and letting people reach base every time.

So in the face of slow dribblers, Beltre will not stand for their shenanigans and takes things into his own hands. Like when he tried to surreptitiously kick one foul rather than even making a play. It totally could have worked!

Torn Testicle

Once, Adrian Beltre tore a testicle after a ball hit him right in the...well...testicle. He stayed in the game for the duration, and then afterwards checked things out and said that his testicle was the size of a grapefruit. Later he confirmed that it took two whole weeks for it to shrink back to its normal size (he was put on the 15-day disabled list at the time).

Media reports at the time described it as “severely bruised” and surgery was even considered to get things back as they are supposed to be down there, to put it gently.

But staying in the game and talking openly about the severity of his testicle issues wasn’t even the most Beltre part of this, that would be the fact that after the incident he continued to refrain from wearing a protective cup.

At the time he said it was uncomfortable and he doesn’t like it, but a shot to that area would surely change a normal person’s mind after the fact right? A normal person, sure. But Beltre is beautifully not-normal so he wore one while he healed up and then it was back to the cup-less life.

Tossing His Glove

We’ve already noted here that Beltre loves messing with people, but doesn’t always like being messed with. This is a subset of those fun and games that also happens to be something little league parents scold their kids about.

Yet Beltre does it because everyone gets bored sometimes out on the field, it’s just that 99.9% of major leaguers hide it better than he does. Nothing bad happens because he wants to toss his glove above his head as a line drive sails over him, it won’t come close to interfering and to him it’s hilarious.

Tossing His Glove (subset: Angrily)

There have also been times when tossing his glove has stemmed not from joy and goofiness but from annoyance - at a ball or at a team member. There was the time that Elvis Andrus touched his head (again) during a meeting at the mound and Beltre promptly turned around and hucked his glove right at him as Andrus hustled out of there.

Or the time when a ground ball passed him at third and rather than diving for a play that would have been impossible to make even if he could reach the ball, he just threw his glove at it and watched it bounce right by. Who among us?