#holy crap I keep forgetting about this post and leaving it in drafts

[hizznbyte]

Y’know what. What the heck. Go my animals.

As promised, I come bearing the gift of OC lore

GO MY MASTERPOST!! THE ENTIRETY OF THE PERSONERI LORE EXPLAINED!!…

…poorly, by yours truly … Happy reading :3

The first thing I want to do is clarify what exactly this is all about:

PN is this personal little project I’ve been cooking up all about exploring identity, learning to heal and accept and embrace it, and ugly little cat fellas. Because you know me. And I deserve it I’ve been a good boy, haven’t you heard? It’ll either be in writing or art [as maybe a form of comic strips], short episodic stories that are comedy slash slice-of-life shtuff, but the main goal is kind of just figure myself out. Yeah it’s a little venty because of how personal it is but I s’pose that’s par for the course.

It follows the story of this.. quirky cast of colorful little characters [fragments of a single mind] as the world develops around them and they deal with each other’s BS. Every character has a unique personality, ideology, and role within the Mind Escape. More on that in a minute! These characters -with a few exceptions- are known as the PersoNeris [Abbreviated: PNs] . Obviously. They are like me but also… not. Does that make sense or am I talking crazy? [Uhhh in that case just think of the Inners from TWA. Or Inside Out but worse if you’re a normie]. The PersoNeris come into the world fully grown and knowledgeable, but are only truly effective after a process called “gaining sentience”. This is essentially their birthday. The PNs gain sentience when their expertise is called for, and will become active immediately. Once their work is over they will go dormant and act as any normal human would. They can’t die as they aren’t physically living, so anything they do is purely for recreational purposes. There’s also a subcategory of PNs called derivatives. They are separate entities that break off from an already existing PN in a process similar to cellular mitosis [ew] and take on most of the characteristics of the original, plus additional traits.

Anyways. All the characters live within the body. Also known as the host or the husk. Because this guy is just a walking corpse at this point. Wait… hey! That’s me!

The host is named Oleander. Like the flower. Physically a teenager, uses any and all pronouns, most aggressive case of resting btch face ever. Pretty quiet and somewhat jaded in all honesty. The body gets sick like A LOT. I don’t what the problem is the body just seems to never get better. Yeahhh… the body is a pain in the ass. We don’t ever actually see the host in the story, just mention of it. It acts less as a vehicle to be piloted from the inside and more as a… container for the PersoNeris. Which they deserve probably. Within the host’s brain is the Mind Escape [mentioned earlier. It’s a play on the term mindscape.]

The Mind Escape is an urban cityscape made up of strings of binary code representing the host’s mental state. This code programs the design and function of the whole world. It’s pretty limited so there’s like an invisible border surrounding the area. The sky is more like a screen that cycles through various stages and conditions. It’s also color changing! The weather is entirely simulated but it seems to greatly affect their moods and condition, likely some sort of adaptation in response to physical circumstances. The Mind Escape resets every time the host goes to sleep, wherein the PN are given access to areas that were once restricted and they’re allowed free time till the Host eventually awakens.

The Mind Escape is broken up into four districts based on this one Indian proverb I heard in health class some time ago. I dunno. But there’s District One [Mental], District Two [Emotional], District Three [Social], and District Four [Physical]. There’s also an area debated in-universe as the fifth district [Spiritual] but the main guys don’t like that as anyone who actually lives there isn’t considered a PersoNeri. Yes I will elaborate soon enough. There’s also a large, circular dome area in the central point connecting each district but what it contains is a whole other story.

Around the Mind Escape you’ll find a buncha structures like skyscrapers and commercial/industrial buildings. However these serve no real function and are purely decorative. You can enter and explore them internally but they act as those fckin liminal spaces where you just cannot escape. There’s nothing in em anyways they’re always empty and lifeless. But they go on forever. These are known as Faux Facilities. The only buildings that actually work as they’re supposed to are the Living Library, MegaMart [it’s a mall], and housing for the PersoNeris themselves. Speaking of which…

Character intros go!

Nerium 🌺 [Also known as Neri, no known In-Code Alias]

Acting representative of D4 and primary control over the Host body… quite literally just the Host but as a cat-boy

Any/All pronouns [They/It preferred]

Assumed to be the same age as the Host

Form has a somewhat chubby build, lots of body hair, rather short for its age, big ol buggy eyes

Outfit primarily consists of an open oversized hoodie [some sort of bomber jacket or letterman seems to be preferred], long cargo pants, thick black glasses, floral or military camouflage pattern with some sort of null symbol [the circle with a line dashed through it] motif. Wardrobe may change occasionally

Alternative outfit [casual/indoors] consists of either a cat sweater and long floral pajama pants, or a graphic tee and shorts. Without the hijab, their hair is shoulder length, has little nubs for cat ears, slicked back and tied up high resembling the shape of a leaf.

Wears a hijab in a variety of colors [it’s based on vibe really]. Excess fabric draped down the back acts as a pseudo-tail. Similarly, two protrusions at the head act as pseudo-ears. Both work as normal and move independently. This goes for most if not all PersoNeri characters that wear a headscarf.

Interests include art, photography, botany, zoology, music, rhythm games, collecting toys, literature, poetry, and procrastinating

“Exposed nerve” [or the Hetalia hair string TM] is curled into the shape of a heart, resembling a plant sprout with leaves at the tip and when pulled, will cause them to go limp

Nerium is generally a lazy, chronically exhausted but empathetic and well-mannered little guy who tries their best but never gets all too far. He’s a little bit of an ass sometimes. Though they often don’t have the motivation due to burnout, they are very passionate and love to learn and explore. Extremely anxious, introverted, and socially inept until you get close enough to break its shield and become its friend! They can get competitive sometimes.

“ Okay , okay , listen ! We’ll get there when we get there . But we haven’t gotten there yet so DON’T GO THERE .! ”

[Note that each unique quote -indented like above- has a character specific typing quirk. For Neri, they often space out space out punctuation.]

Typewriter 📁 [Also known as Type, Slash SRS in-code]

D4 advisory and token straight-man, essentially just the Host but locked tf in

They/He pronouns

Assumed to be slightly older than the Host however range is unknown

Form has a broader build and darker tanned skin than the Host, slimmer eyes

Outfit primarily consists of a navy green [almost blue] military-esque uniform because I was suddenly struck with the military man propaganda beam someone save me, oh also the anarchy symbol / star motif because irony

Alternative outfit consists of a coat, suit, and fedora

Headscarf is generally longer and covers more of the face but is obscured by their hat and uniform. It’s tied into two at the back and one of the pseudo-ears is folded

Interests include history, geography, linguistics, religion, biology, mathematics, puzzles, and being an ass criticism

Expose nerve is curled into a spiral like shape and when pulled will cause them go through an internal system reboot, error 404 style

Typewriter is an observant, highly critical pessimist perfectionist who’s there to keep the Host on track! It’s not always effective but it’s the thought that counts right? They’re particularly nit-picky when it comes to Nerium’s behavior but as strict as they seem they are well meaning. They are a bit of a yapper and have quite the sharp tongue. Something of a chronic overachiever.

Nerium/Typewriter relations: Mutually find each other nuisances but hold some begrudging admiration for the other.

“ You Fail This And So Help Me You Will Die And Go To Hell. Do You Hear Me? ”

Krass 🎭 [Also known as Crass, Slash J in-code]

Professional class clown of D3

Basically the Host if he was an extrovert

She/He/They/Fella pronouns

Assumed age is unknown as data from observations fluctuates between Hosts age to half of Hosts age

Form is round. That’s kinda it

Outfit primarily consists of an asymmetrical, brightly colored clown-styled performing costume, striped birthday hat, and full face mask which serves as a pseudo face. It’s literally just the awesome face. Its uniform is very ruffley and light.

Headscarf is shorter and looser, not fully covering her front hair [which can be seen without the face mask]. It also lacks a pseudo-tail

Interests include comedy, puns, dark humor, sarcasm, internet memes, theatre, technology, literature, poetry, and lying for no reason spreading misinformation,

Exposed nerve is looped and when pulled, will cause it to cackle obnoxiously loud

Has a variety of laughs for all sorts of situations. There’s a lot. And they’re all annoying.

Krass is a bothersome, noisy, flat out idiotic clown, and they’re pretty proud about it! It’s the self awareness I think, that keeps em doing their job to the very fullest. On the outside, this fella seems very optimistic and happy-go-lucky, full of whimsy and joy, but it’s really just a mask for some insecurities that run deep. He uses humor as a coping mechanism, and actually has very low self-esteem, often making himself the butt of the joke. She has a crass sense of humor. Obviously. It can be kind of offensive and suggestive and lame. But she doesn’t do anything to intentionally hurt anyone. He’s also pretty clumsy, so.. slapstick comedy!

Nerium/Krass relations: Krass thinks Nerium needs to lighten up and be more physically active, Nerium finds Krass to be too noisy and energetic for their tastes but endearing in a way.

Typewriter/Krass relations: HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE-

“ BAHSJSKEN WHY did you BLOCK me on discord ALL I said was that I was gonna TOUCH YOU??!!! ”

Faith 🌑 [Also known as Fate, Slash NEG in-code]

One of two PN representatives of D2

Only active during the Hosts episodes, gaining sentience during the Hosts tween years and becoming more active as the years progressed. Exists as a shadow in back of the Host’s mind

She/It pronouns, very rarely He/Him

Assumed age is unknown. Fluctuates during activity and may regress/progress rapidly

Form is lankier, skinnier, appearing frail and weak and broken. Flesh is a patchwork of scars and is lighter in tone than the Host.

[Detailed appearance should be included in updated files]

Outfit primarily consists of a black tank-top and shorts. No glasses or hijab. No pseudo-ears

Interests include silence, attention, and poetry

Exposed nerve is crooked and bent and when pulled, will cause it to become violently sick

Fate is the manifestation of everything the Hosts hates about itself. It is a hideous monstrosity, an amalgamation of every negative trait there is to loathe. She is only ever used in a vent setting. She is never fully dormant even when its other half is active. She is most active during depressive, manic episodes. She is an intrusive thought. She is religious trauma. She is obscene and offensive. …HEY, somethings not right,, THIS is going too far!! WHO wrote this script??

Nerium/Faith relations: Faith wants to be acknowledged but Nerium refuses to look her in the eyes.

Typewriter/Faith relations: Faith wants to be recognized but Typewriter tells her to stay in her district and to shut up.

Krass/Faith relations: Together they are… the Dark Humor Squad!

“ …it doesn’t MATTER.. i don’t matter enough to earn your SYMPATHY… ”

Fazio 🌕 [Also known as Eff, Slash POS in-code]

One of two PN representatives of D2

A lingering presence in the back of the Host’s mind, however is less active than its negative counterpart

He/It pronouns, rarely She/Her

Assumed age is unknown, likely around the same as the Host

Form is chubbier and darker in tan compared to its negative counterpart

Outfit is inconsistent and always changing. Primary wardrobe includes a long white abaya overlayed with a suit-jacket [probably makes more sense when you actually see it. kinda hard to describe]

Headscarf reaches up to the chest, pseudo-ears and tail resemble more of a wild/big cat

Interests include music, dance, art, journaling, literature, the company of friends, and philosophy

Exposed nerve is curled forward with something like a bulb at the end, and when pulled, will cause it glow

Eff is the manifestation of everything the Host wants to love about itself. He is a shining ray of positivity! It is incredibly upbeat and happy-go-lucky, with a lot of love to give. While only ever used in a vent setting, its focus is on healing. He is the resident “caretaker” of its other half. Some may seem him as even more annoying than Krass, but he can’t be bothered to hold a grudge! Sometimes they unintentionally come off as passive aggressive due to their overwhelming positivity. His nickname is pronounced like [the letter] F, not “Eef”. Please stop messing it up.

Nerium/Fazio relations: Nerium is codependent on Eff to keep the host running without issue, which he reasonably points out is very unhealthy. However, they both have a lot of love to give and greatly appreciate the other.

Typewriter/Fazio relations: Typewriter is very grateful for the work Eff does within the host, but wishes he could tone down the energy.

Krass/Fazio relations: JOY TO THE WORLD!!

Faith/Fazio relations: “I can fix her” ass mf

“ YOU just have to trust me!! I can make it better again,, LET me fix it!! ”

Kidd ���� [Also known as Kibby or Squish, Slash LH in-code]

Resident wild animal of D1

One of the more… unexplainable parts of the Host and is not very recognized within PN society

Any/All pronouns -including and especially Neos

Assumed age is half that of the Hosts, but tends to fluctuate lower

Form is short, round, and bright. Can’t be explained better than a big fat cat

Outfit consists of long, oversized color block sweaters in bright oversaturated tones, that rainbow propellor hat thing because it’s funny as hell, shorts and cat paw socks. Maybe even a comically large lollipop for good measure

Headscarf is one of those one-piece children’s hijabs with two folded pseudo-ears

Interests include animals, dinosaurs, drawing and coloring, playing with touys and bideo games, singing and dancing, sleeping a lot, and eating an unhealthy amount of sugars

Exposed nerve is actually connected to the propeller on the hat, not its headscarf. When pulled it will cause it to start flying a few inches off the ground. LMAO

Kidd is basically the… kid who still believes they’re an animal and goes around the playground larping Warrior Cats. Because that’s what I used to do as a kid… save for the biting people. Kidd is both physically and mentally a child, and is thought to be the personification of age-regression / lost childhood innocence. Their appearance and behavior resemble a mix of a dog and cat, leaning heavily on the cat part like a kittydog which, if you know then ya know. But they act like a big baby with childhood innocence and whimsy. It also tries to be cute which can either come off as endearing or forced and grossly annoying. This is not to be mixed up with age-play by the way. Vocal stims include frequently meowing, barking, and going awawawa. Because they are so young, it requires a caretaker or guardian to mange them during dormancy. It goes solo when active, which is rarely. “Child support” is split up between Neri, Eff, and two other PNs revealed later.

Nerium/Kidd relations: Neri begrudgingly babysits Kidd and monitors them during activity. He thinks Kidd is kind of weird and dumb but so is everyone in this story so whaddaheck. Kidd smiles at them goofy

Typewriter/Kidd relations: Type doesn’t like them around when they work but occasionally lets them play with their typewriter. Kidd smiles at them goofy

Krass/Kidd relations: They used cause trouble and play video games together, but Krass lost “custody” of them a long time ago. They share a similar mentality. Kidd smiles at them goofy

Faith/Kidd relations: Kidd frowns at them goofy

Fazio/Kidd relations: Fazio acts as the primary caretaker of Kidd, and his nurturing nature helps Kidd grow slowly each day. Kidd smiles at them goofy

“ :33 i lovee playing with my touys. and drawingg and i like orange juicee ”

DERIVATIVE Nene 🌷 [Also known as Lili or Gardener]

A derivative of Nerium and one of two chairpersons in D4, resident botanist within the Mind Escape

One of the hosts alternative identities

They/It/She pronouns

Assumed age is slightly older than the host, form is the same

Outfit consists of a floral-pattern shirt dress, large sun hat adorned with a variety of flower species, gold jewelry, and a canvas apron. Headscarf is short and set back, though it isn’t worn often in preference of tying its hair back

Interests include biology, botany, entomology, zoology, anthropology, mythology, photography, literature, and painting

Exposed nerve is a little flower on a short stem and when pulled, will cause it to spit up flowers

Nene is the world’s biggest sweetheart! Though a little shy, they tend to yap a ton about their interests. They love their friends a bajillion, and have a ton of Polaroid pictures of company and scenery hung up at their place. Their place is also full plants hanging from the ceiling and pots around here and there… so be careful. They frequent the Living Library to research botany and other living sciences. Nene is also another one of Kidd’s guardians. They seem to prioritize aesthetics above all and LOVE to decorate things, especially with stickers. They do go outside a ton to tend to the garden and are kinda dirty and scratched up because of it sometimes, as well as have very sun tanned skin.

Nerium/Nene relations: As a derivative, Nene and its origin are very close and tend to work off each other.

Typewriter/Nene relations: They respect each other but Nene still has a lot to learn on work ethic which Typewriter lectures them over.

Krass/Nene relations: While somewhat annoying, Nene only sees Krass as background noise and not much else. They’re on okay terms, but Krass’ obnoxious self can be a cause for lots of anxiety.

Faith/Nene relations: Nene sometimes forgets she exists, and then gets hit by the whiplash of Faith going active

Fazio/Nene relations: Absolute joy. Joy for the whole world. They are very much alike. Sometimes Nene is intimidated by him tho.

Kidd/Nene relations: Nene is very good with children, so Kidd hangs out them often and is uncharacteristically careful with their belongings. Kidd smiles at them goofy.

“ *These trees are for bearing fruit, not hanging, dear sir. *Please put that away, I want my mangoes. ”

DERIVATIVE Osman 🎖️ [Also known as Suleiman or Captain]

A derivative of Nerium and one of two chairpersons in D4, commander of the Mind Escape and resident narcissist

One of the hosts alternative identities

It/They/He pronouns

Assumed age is slightly older than the host, form is slightly more muscular

Outfit consists of… well it’s hard to explain but think of Type’s military style uniform and make it fancier / flashier. Because I do not have words to describe the kinda shit this guy wears but it’s pirate inspired. All I’ll say. Headscarf is wrapped up turban style with pointy, lynx-like ears.

Interests include philosophy, art, music, theology, geography, history, traveling, photography, cool crystals and gems, and bossing people around being absolutely based

Exposed nerve is just a long string that drags down and curls inward and when pulled, will cause it to swing its arms rapidly

Osman is a charming, easygoing egoist you can’t help but adore. His words, not mine. Despite being rather self-centered, it doesn’t mean it lacks empathy. Or does it? It seems it’s always up to help its friends… for a price of course. Like Typewriter, Osman is authoritative and commanding, a born leader ever since they came into sentience. The only thing that separates them is how seriously they take work. To which Osman doesn’t. Until it’s a minute past the deadline. They LOVE sparkly shiny things, and often resists the urge to act like a kleptomaniac. It can really harbor grudges when it assumes it’s been.. disrespected. It does not take well to criticism because obviously, he can’t do anything wrong! And when it has to face the truth? It starts to cry!

Nerium/Osman relations: As a derivative, Nerium treats Osman with a little more leniency for their eccentric behavior. While they usually work off each other, the Captain seems to take charge.

Typewriter/Osman relations: They have a small, petty rivalry based on their differences, but ultimately come together like some messed up militia.

Krass/Osman relations: Osman assures Krass they’re very funny, which is a lie because he’s much funnier.

Faith/Osman relations: He’s one of the few that will acknowledge her existence, but tries the hardest to tune her out.

Fazio/Osman relations: Despite both seeming to be a little alike, Fazio actually manages to piss Osman off a lot.

Kidd/Osman relations: Osman is another one of Kidd’s guardians, and they act very competitive towards each other

Nene/Osman relations: they kiss with tongue trust me vro

“ LOSERS! Breathe if you like !me, and die if you’re mediocre …Why are you all turning purple? ”

Derivative Null 🩸 [Also known as Teri or Suiciduo!Neri]

A derivative of Nerium, head of Operation “Kill-Switch” and resident hyper-suicidal maniac number one opp

Probably shouldn’t be allowed to go active but it kinda does sometimes we don’t know

Who/Whom? pronouns… nah I’m playing It/Its

Assumed age and form is the same as the host, just slightly bulkier. It’s also got sharp canine teeth that resemble vampire fangs… they are retractable.

Outfit consists of a black turtleneck, windbreaker jacket, boots, and a lotta belts and chains. Sometimes wears a face mask and collar. It has a tongue piercing that looks like a gun bullet. No headscarf it’s just a hoodie with pseudo-ears and a belt for the pseudo-tail. Underneath the hoodie is some sort of fungal plant growth.

Interests include fuck all. We think

Exposed nerve curls around resembling a halo and when pulled, will cause it to detonate like a BOMB. Only to recover once again.

Null stands for nothing. Seriously! It has no value! Well okay, there is ONE thing it wants.

Operation Kill-Switch. When the going gets tough, go for self destruction! Null really is an anomaly, seemingly gaining sentience for no reason and even without Nerium’s knowledge! It doesn’t inhabit any one district, instead wandering aimlessly like a nomad. There’s something so strange about that one. Mysteriously, it sits and watches, sometimes barging in to become active and leaving without a word. It’s hard to tell for sure, but it does seem to enjoy history, technology, explosives, and masochism.

How can one kill if one cannot die?_Interesting…

Nerium/Null relations: _Well aren’t you a doll?_Isn’t that right darling?

Typewriter/Null relations: Do you cower?_

Krass/Null relations: Get out of my head*get out of my head

Faith/Null relations: THEY ARE NOT TO BE STATIONED ANYWHERE NEAR EACH OTHER. IT IS PROHIBITED FROM BEING IN HER VICINITY. DO NOT LET BOTH GO ACTIVE, BAD THINGS HAPPEN!!

Fazio/Null relations: _I should definitely kill you first

Kidd/Null relations: _What the fuck?..

Nene/Null relations: When the angel’s trumpet blows_will you stay for them?

Osman/Null relations: _That’s right boss_I could play this game forever…

Polaris/Null relations: Two halves of a Suiciduo

“ _Dying this way*I’m bored of it all_God*Have I disappointed you yet?_Just like that then…You good for nothing animals_! ”

…

I think that’s it. That’s… most of them at least…

I’M FINALLY FREE?!

…Yep, that’s the bulk of it at least! There are some more minor characters, including the “Non-PN” but I really don’t wanna test Tumblr’s text limit on that. Besides, they aren’t all THAT important. And whew, this was an exhausting post to write. I figured I could be quick and get it out in a day but there was WAYYYY to much I had to get done, damnit. Oh, my kids! My beloved children of my brain!! I spent all this time for you! How long has it been? I’ve been writing this post in between school hours.

Here’s some PN trivia, I guess: Every character, with the exception of Kidd, goes by a nickname that happens to be one of the many aliases I used online. And I have a ton of em. I am a man of many names you know… Anyways. Because I treat the PN like original characters rather than extensions of me [with the exception of Nerium because they’re my persona and self insert basically], they are very shippable. As in, you can pair em up and make em kiss. Hell yeah. I’m personally fan of TextFlower [Neri/Type], PerfectParty [Type/Krass], BruisedEgo [Neri/Null], Osman/Nene, Fazio/Faith, and Type/Osman. Sorry. I’m going crazy. Speak of pairings though, the PN are not only separated by district but by seating groups. Essentially the classic highschool friend group cliche. Nerium, Typewriter, and Krass form the Head Front. Fazio, Faith, and Kidd form the Mind Back. Osman, Nene, and Null play Middle Ground. Why is this relevant? Because it plays into each characters relationships and the entire Host/PN system dynamic. More about that in the future.

Did you know Typewriter has an unhealthy attraction to vintage objects? No, because I just told you. They own one of those manual, portable kind of typewriters in wood brown and they treat it like a living being. They even named it Printcess. Like Princess + Print? Get it? I am very funny I know. Nene adores bugs and insects and usually picks up a few she stumbles upon when gardening. Osman is terrified to death of bugs. They’re also super scared of deep bodies of water, so there goes the pirate dream I guess. Null seems to have a thing for chains and cuffs. Which is like. Okay I guess. Freak. Activity during working/school hours is almost always copilot, meaning primarily Neri and Type are active during the day. The PN CAN get tired of being active, and usually have the option of stepping down and giving control to any other character, but sometimes when the body is locked in they’re kinda forced to work their ass off. This is almost always the case with Typewriter. Sorry bro.

[Scratches head] I don’t have any other trivia sorry. I’m tired. I will update when I remember more. Anyways. Thank you for reading your patience is so appreciated I’m giving you all a little kiss on the forehead. Thank you. These characters mean a lot to me as someone who struggles with their mental health. And while I wouldn’t compare it to any identity disorders like DID or OSDD [which I am not diagnosed with], I can definitely understand how my story might read that way and if it helps anyone who does have it, then that’s great! They really are a journey to create and build from the ground up.

As for Blood Magic-Verse… I’m making a separate post addressing what happened to them, don’t worry. Even if it takes a bajillion years to write. I love all my children equally trust I don’t pick favorites. Again, thank you for reading I have NO idea how to end this but it’s..been fun I think. Okay! Bye!

[solcheeky]

our secret

summary: fratboy!donghyuck turns paperboy! when he needs some extra money for college stuff like textbooks. he thinks delivering way outside of campus will save face from being a measly paperboy, but little does he know, the front yard light he hits (and breaks) belongs to his significantly well off classmate... (3k)

warnings: strong language here and there genre: enemies to ..friends? a/n: I’ve merged these two requests together! meaning I have and haven’t included aspects of each, hope that’s okay! (2021 edit: hi I found this in my drafts from last year and idk why I never posted it so yeah, here we go)

“You’re late.” Your professor calls out as Donghyuck fails to sneak into lecture hall unnoticed

You sigh, you’d think he’d at least look ashamed to step foot into class at such a late time

You suppose with Lee Donghyuck, things were always different

The boy winces comically, inhaling between his teeth brazenly, and students stifle their laughter

Then with a simple raise of his hand, he gestures a flimsy ‘my bad’ and a ‘continue, continue’ before charmingly wiping the sweat off his brow and sitting in the empty seat saved by his friends

The professor frowns, “you’re late.” He repeats as if to encourage the young rebel to at least say something

“I’m Haechan,” the rebel says under his breath, flopping his backpack onto the desk, “not ‘late’” a sarcastic smile stretching his lips as his friends snicker at his dumb joke

You roll your eyes, he was unbelievable.

“Alright, alright, that’s enough.” The professor claps his hands. “And Mr. Late,” he emphasizes, “don’t think you’re getting away with anything.”

So he drops it on him like a bomb: “For the rest of this week, meet me in the office an hour before classes start.”

The grin on Donghyuck’s face immediately wipes off his face and his heart drops to his stomach

“Prof!” He whines back

Karma, you think. That’s what he gets for being so up his own ass

It wouldn’t kill him to wake up a little bit earlier. He relied so much on his ‘so loveable’ personality and popularity, you couldn’t stand it

If you even attempted to do half the things he got away with, you’d be expelled by now

You drop your pen and lean back into your seat with a sigh, you had no choice but to sit back and watch him waste valuable lesson time over this insolence

“You can’t do that!” Seriously, Donghyuck would do anything else other than doing extra hours in the morning

“And you can’t be late to my lectures all the time. What are you not getting here Mr. Late?”

“But I can’t.” Donghyuck immediately regrets saying that out loud like that; the vulnerability in his voice a little too close to home

“And, why not?” Your professor bounces back thankfully brushing past the genuine desperation in his students voice

The reason why not was something ‘Lee Haechan’ couldn’t say out loud. If he did, he’d lose everything

So instead, he sticks with his usual tongue-in-cheek mannerism, “because I don’t want to.”—A sneaky beat around the bush on his part because, little did everyone know, Lee Haechan, the star player and everyone’s favorite goofball, was a measly paperboy

Why?

Because he was dumb broke.

It was a job that required him waking up extra early to race around neighborhoods on his bike, something he had to do regardless rain or sun just tossing as many papers onto people's front porches,

Something he already was finding so much of a difficulty doing: racing to class and acting as if his muscles weren’t burning or the fabric under is backpack wasn’t drenched in sweat

But now this ‘meet me in the office an hour earlier than classes start’ bullshit

That would mean he’d have to wake up even earlier than he already did!

“Doesn’t matter if you don’t want to, you’re going to.” Is the last thing your professor says on that topic before swiftly moving on.

Oh to be born with a silver spoon in his mouth, is what he always thinks as he cycles his rounds in the wealthy neighborhood

If there was one thing he didn’t have, it was this. 

He looks at the blaringly affluent homes that surrounded him and heaves another sigh, the same road he rides every morning (and now this extra early morning) effortlessly reminding him of how absolutely poor his ass was

Grumbling under his breath in a tantrum about his professor in his head, he angrily hurls newspapers onto doorsteps

It was the fact that he had to deal with this at ungodly hours in the morning—as if this job wasn’t already enough

Donghyuck frustratedly hurls another newspaper, but this time around, it shoots straight into someone's front garden post light, knocking it over and completely disrupting the perfect order in which the other trail of foot lights were set in

What the heck?

Immediately, he hits the breaks, his tires screeching loudly in the quietness of the early morning

Profanities frantically leave his lips as he hurriedly drops his bike onto the sidewalk in a clatter, and runs ahead to see the damage he’s made

The lamp was perfectly struck to its side.

Well, that’s just great—he can’t afford college textbooks let alone the broken path lamp on some rich persons lawn

So, his first thoughts are to pull it back into the place, completely irrational, but it’s the only thing that runs through his mind when he’s on a time crunch to get off private property

Except, the damn thing is stuck; literally cemented into this lopsided tilt

Man, Donghyuck swears he could tug all day and it wouldn’t get back into place

It was like the universe was having fun being against him

You, on the other hand, were watching this boy struggle to fix your light back into place from the comfort of your window.

He looked ridiculously cute trying to tug that lamp back into place, curled almost into a ball in the middle of your lawn, his eyebrows sewn into a line of frustration and lips pursed

You knew he was your paperboy from the start of his laborious cycling trips, but did Donghyuck know he was delivering papers to his very own classmate every morning?

You guess not.

...Until now

You knock three times from behind the glass, successfully capturing the boy's attention before mouthing, “what are you doing?”

The agitation on his features drops and immediately his eyes widen at your familiar face

Except, he isn’t given much time to reply before the lamp between his fingers gives in to his weight and recoils back smacking him right in the nose

“Holy shit!” You forget you’re only in socks when you open your front door and race towards him

Donghyuck automatically drops the (now broken) piece of your lawn to cup his bruising face

“Ah- Fucking shit- Ow!” He bends forwards on his knees into the grass, forehead pressing into your lawn before he rocks back up again to scrunch a deep frown up towards the sky. “Jesus-”

“Are you okay?!” Dropping to your knees, you place a cautious hand to his back

“Yes.” He groans into his palms, rocking back down towards the grass again

He definitely wasn’t.

But he needed to get out of there quick; there’s no way he’d let you recognize him

Yeah, you weren’t that stupid.

“Let me see,” you carefully bring him up by his shoulders, your head leaning down towards his to see the damage

“No- Ow! Crap-”

“You’re bleeding!” You try to pry at his wrists but he rips away from your hands

That’s when Donghyuck finally looks up to scowl at you; a frown stitched hard into into his forehead, eyes watering, hair all ruffled, but most alarmingly—a scarlet ribbon of blood running down his wrists

“I’m okay.” He muffles into his hands.

And wow did he look like an idiot.

“Sorry about your-” 

“Jesus Hyuck, you’re not fooling anyone.”

The boy visibly stiffens at your choice of his name

“Haechan.” You quickly correct yourself

He gulps

You glance away

“Let’s just put an ice-pack on that.” Then you’re dragging him into your house

“Quit moving!” You dab a wet cloth across the cut above Donghyuck’s lip

“Well, it hurts.” He tries to complain without moving his mouth too much

You purse your lips and Donghyuck attempts to adjust the ice pack on his nose despite your warning

With a sigh, you take his wrist and bring his arm down to his lap, “Hyuck, if you keep-” you feel him stiffen under your touch. “Haechan.” You keep doing that. “Sorry.”

He just diverts his eyes elsewhere and mumbles, “It’s whatever.” under his breath

So, you bring your attention back to cleaning his cut, your cheeks heating up at the thought of how much of a creep you probably were by calling him by his old name

“I’m-”

“Y/n.” His voice was a little clearer this time, a soft frown on his face, “I remember.”

He kind of wished you didn’t though. This was so embarrassing.

You pull the cloth away from his reddening cheeks, that annoyed flustered look on his face pulling at the nostalgia in you

It was only natural to call him ‘Hyuck’ because you had been going to the same school as him for years

Ever since you were kids, through highschool and now somehow, still impossibly in college, you’ve been with him

You almost had every class with the loud idiot back when he was still ‘Donghyuck’

For as long as you could remember, he had always been the center of gravity in every class, his punchy personality and almost too friendly way of speaking easily giving him the ‘popular’ tag 

It made you have a bit of a crush on him when you were younger, but who didn’t? 

Now, you found him irritating. 

The only thought you had about him consisted of wishing he’d stop using his status to his advantage and just come to class right instead of wasting your lesson time

“Can I ask you something?” He dodges your hand for a second, eyes looking down as if to hide away his embarrassment 

“Sure,” you naturally reach forward again to dab his cut, but he stops you at the wrist

“Can you,” you lift your focus away from his lip to the slight grimace on his face, “not tell anyone about this?”

You blink at him, and a muscle works in his jaw

“Seriously, people can’t know about this.” 

But you simply pull your wrist out of his grip and go back to tending to his wound

You hadn’t told anyone since you’d found he was your paperboy, and that was weeks ago. So why was he so worked up?

Hadn’t the situation already called for it anyway? Who in their right mind would tell anyone after this? For you, it was obviously common courtesy

But before you can reply, he tilts his face into your line of vision. “Are you listening to me?” The frown on his face deepens and he instantly brings the ice pack in this hand over his face at the sudden pain through his nose

That attitude of his easily drove you crazy.

“That was a stupid question.” You give up on cleaning the blood on his lip and push the ice-pack deeper into his face, “if you used that stupid, egotistical brain of yours-”

“Ah! Ow- Ooow-”

“Maybe you’d realize I’ve never told anyone about your paper rounds before.”

“Ow!” He wrenches away from your frustrated grip, the look on his face just as annoyed as you. “You’re going to break my nose!” 

“You broke my yard lamp!”

He looks at you with a huff; a slight puff to his reddened cheeks, furrowed brows and tears ever so slightly brimming his eyes

If that lamp didn’t cost about five times the price of his bike he’d say something back.

You easily read that off his expression

“You don’t have to pay for it.” You start to pack up the first-aid kit you’d opened up on your coffee table just to not look at him in the eyes when you say that

As much as he irritated you, you weren’t that petty

“Really?” The genuine doubt in his face relaxing the annoyance in you a little

“Yeah.” Money wasn’t a problem for you, it was his attitude

But the casualness Donghyuck catches in your tone reminds him of the starkly different worlds you live in

So he musters it up within himself to at least show some kind of gratitude, “...Thanks.” 

And it’s almost inaudible when he says it under his breath like that

But you catch it as you pull a bandaid out of the box before you close it

“On one condition.” You turn to look at him dead in the eyes.

One of his brows slightly quirk up in interest

“Hand.”

He opens his palm to you and you purposely slap the bandaid into it.

“Stop coming late to class, you’re wasting everyone's time.”

Instantly, his jaw goes slack. 

Unable to say anything he stares as you rise from your seat in content, first aid kit in hand, before walking behind the sofa towards the kitchen

You didn’t have to say it like that.

He swings an elbow over the back of the couch, “Sorry for bringing you the paper every morning!” Maybe he was a little offended

You turn on your heels to face him, noticing the bandaid now crushed in the fist of the hand he had over the couch and ice-pack abandoned on the coffee table (the full glory of his bruising nose and cut lip on show)

“I said ‘don’t be late’ not ‘don’t bring me the paper’.” Then you disappear into the kitchen.

Donghyuck has to close his eyes for a second, exhaling a frustrated sigh before standing up in a huff and following your footsteps.

How could you say something so insensitive? Yeah, maybe he broke your lamp or whatever, but he tried to fix it!

And sure, he was sort of bleeding over your couch and used your ice pack, but he totally said thanks

“That’s just- You’re so,” He’s standing at the doorway by the time you’re done, bandaid still stuck in the frustrated grip of his hand

“So what, Hyuck?”

Seeing the all star, team favorite class clown crumble at the simple play of his old nickname made something in your stirr

“Insufferable.” 

You? Your lips turn up in amusement. He was the insufferable one, you almost scoff

“You and your big house, fancy first aid kit, stupid lamps on your lawn,” he takes a bold step forward at every reason until he’s one step to being chest to chest, “I’m just trying to do my job, and go to class.”

You look at him straight in the eyes. “Well, you’re hardly succeeding at either of those.”  

You...

Donghyuck runs his tongue across his inner cheek before biting down on his bottom lip in a brazen attempt to act unfazed by that fatal side comment

A coppery, metal taste pricks his tongue, and he realizes he’s reopened up the cut on his lip again

But that was the least of his worries. You had no idea what it was like being broke. If there was anything he didn’t have, it was everything you did. You probably couldn’t even fathom the type of shit he’s had to go through and even more so: hide.

The way you acted as if his biggest problem in life was as easy as brushing the dust of his shoulder just pissed him off.

“Have you ever thought of waking up earlier?” 

Ah, there it was again, Donghyuck wants to roll his eyes

“I sleep late.” He says dryly.

“Then sleep earlier.”

“I have other shit to do, like study.” 

“Then, manage your time better.” If he really wanted to ‘do his job’ and ‘get to class’, he could’ve done it by now.

He was always messing about with friends and organizing parties, stories spread around like wildfire on campus about the things he occupied himself with other than ‘having shit to do like studying’, you weren’t stupid

It was by the end of high school, when you began to see him as a person who valued himself with the amount of friends knew or the amount of partying he did

And at first you were mad that he had the things you never did, but seeing him easily get washed up by it all made you think maybe you didn’t need what he had

Now you figure his ego was so far up his ass he couldn’t even sit right—that’s probably why he couldn’t cycle to class on time

“And don’t use your bike, you’re clearly slow on it.” You tack on.

“I don’t even have a car!” He snaps back

He made you want to pull out your own hair. “Jeez, first this, then that, god Hyuck, you keep-”

“You say that as if it were so easy,” his words overlapping yours as you continue

“-making up so much bullshit because the only thing you really put effort into is your image,” Your words running over his too.

“-if I could get a car, don’t you think I’d have one already?”

“Then I’ll just take you!” That puts both of you to a stop.

“So, quit giving me stupid excuses to ruin my lectures every day.” If the things money could buy were what he needed, you had it

You snatch the bandaid out of his fist, rip it open and harshly stick it across his bottom lip. It was annoying to see him ignore it like that.

“You usually finish an hour before class right?” You frown up at him

Donghyuck opens his mouth then closes it again.

“Because if you reroute and make me the last house, I’ll take you with me by car.”

“What?” He manages to say. What the hell just happened?

a/n: okay so there was a lot more to the story and character development but it ran too long I had to cut it off bc I cba to edit lmao 

also I seemed to have gone way out of the request lines near the end my bad my bad, but I at least hope you’ve enjoyed it! thoughts???? a part 2?

[geekgemsspooksandtoons]

Atlas Quotes

This is a story set within my Bioshock Rebirth AU. A reimaging/reboot of the Bioshock franchise. https://geekgemsspookyblog.tumblr.com/post/626141727587270656/bioshock-rebirth-timeline-this-is-a-timeline-of-an Just as a heads up if anyone is wondering about the context. I’ve had some stories in my drafts for a long time now and I’m finally publicly sharing them.

This is one that isn’t necessarily a story but some quotes I wanted to make.

“You really trust the lady do you? After everything I told you. Listen Arch I’m gonna be honest with you. I appreciate you wanting to save those children instead of putting them out of their misery. If you really believe Tenenbaum is trying to change....then I’ll trust you. The only reason I am doubting trusting her is she may stab you in the back. It’s fine if you don’t wanna tell me where she’s at. Besides I think Daisy and some others would rather hurt Tenenbaum on sight. But I’m gonna trust your judge of character. I’m just looking out for you kid okay. You don’t know what she wants with those girls or Elizabeth. So stay alert alright mate?”

“Augustus Sinclair huh? Another one of Rapture’s so called businessmen. He’s in charge of Sinclair Solutions. Sure he may act like a friend or so. But he’s the same as everybody else. The bastard rented out inmates as test subjects for Plasmid testing at Fontaine Futuristics, and then Ryan Industries. Along with some other crap he’s done. Don’t be swayed by the son of a bitch. He never liked me, and I never liked him”

“Frank Fontaine....I’ve heard stories about him. He’s a crook. But he died years ago. The stories I’ve heard about him. He was a genuine monster. Someone that somebody should of killed many years ago. I could only imagine how worse things would be if he didn’t die. But the important thing is he’s gone. You have nothing to worry about. The bastard got what he deserved”

“Holy crap! Jesus Christ!......was that her? She was able to do that? She was able to make ammo pop out of a nowhere, make old turrets reappear, and other things. Oh my God.....no wonder Ryan kept her existence so secret. I could only imagine if she was found out earlier. Everyone in Rapture would of lost their minds. Ryan was literally gonna use this young woman as a weapon if anyone was gonna take him down. I’m horrified to think of what would happened if you didn’t rescue her earlier. Luckily she’s safe with you Arch and that’s what’s matters”

“You two make a good team! A soldier and his magician. Now that’s a dynamic duo! I’m just grateful that power of hers is being put to good use. No one like Ryan or anyone else is gonna abuse that power and hurt that girl. Luckily she’s got you right boyo?”

“You know there’s one man I want to tell you about Arch. Someone I feel who is important to mention. His name was Johnny Topside. Knew him for only a year. Yet from my experience. He was possibly one of the greatest men I met. Way back the man was looking through the ocean and found Rapture by mistake. Thank God Ryan felt some sort of kindness and let the man live in Rapture. But Johnny couldn’t leave. There was no way Ryan would of let him leave.

A deep sea diver who was investigating the disappearances of submarines and ships. The man was surprisingly a tough but gentle soul. One of the kindest lads I’ve ever met. But in 1998 something happened.

I think with everything happening in Rapture. He saw some things he shouldn’t of saw. The man couldn’t take it anymore. The Little Sisters, the testing on inmates, and he might of found out about Elizabeth somehow. The man decided to try to tell the world about Rapture. But as you can guess...he didn’t succeed. 

Andrew Ryan and Frank Fontaine got him. Even if Johnny was able to take 10 men at once. He couldn’t keep fighting. Johnny was faded out of existence after that. What I heard and the horrifying possibility. That he was turned into a Big Daddy.... what a horrible fate that would be for anybody. I wouldn’t want my worst enemies to suffer through that.

What’s more sad he was younger than me. So I didn’t just lost my best friend. But I also lost my younger brother.....I think what he tried to do inspired me to fight back. The seeds of this rebellion started with Topside. 

It’s people like Andrew Ryan, Frank Fontaine, Sofia Lamb, and other so called, “The greatest minds of the world” who would do something like that to good men like Johnny Topside. The lad didn’t want people to suffer and that’s what he got....if he was still alive I bet he would be the one leading this rebellion, trying to save Elizabeth, and trying to expose all of Rapture to the world. While I probably would of been his 2nd in command. But I wouldn’t mind that at all. The man was more brave than I could ever be.

If he was still here today. The man would of loved to meet you Arch. He’d might call you the finest soldier he’d ever met. You honestly remind me so much of him....sorry boyo that I got emotional. It still hurts me thinking about it. Johnny Topside was the best damn man I ever met and I won’t forget that”.

“”Sofia Lamb was some psychologist for Rapture. But to me she’s simply crazy. Even if she may want to do the right thing. But she’s a damn collectivist. No wonder Ryan had her put away. I just feel sorry for the fact she has a young girl. Who I heard became a Little Sister sadly. It be one Helluva fight if she was making her own army to take over Rapture. But she isn’t a problem right now”.

“After everything Ryan has done....you're still thinking of just wanting to take him in and not kill him. Or even try to talk to him? Arch....I will admit you’re crazy. But I strangely admire that bravery. Not wanting to kill more people. You have more restraint in a person than I ever seen. I really admire that.

Gonna be honest....you’re one of the bravest men I’ve ever met. Just like Johnny Topside. You’ve endured so much yet you kept pressing on. I think your parents would be very proud of you. 

Really...we’re like ONE IN THE SAME....but I think you’re more like Johnny Topside but still.....if you were my son. I’d be the proudest father in the world.

Now go get Ryan mate. After you bring him in. We’ll all be able to go home. The US government or whoever will handle Rapture, Ryan and whoever else will be locked away.

You’ll be a hero Archie. Maybe even after this you’ll get to go to Paris with Elizabeth. You two deserve that. But right now, you have to get to Ryan and finish this. This journey is almost over. Good luck boyo”

[makeroomforthejolyghost]

ok well i originally drafted this while thinking about this post, but it’s relevant to what i wanted to say about (my tags on) this one too so i’ll just post it now, how ‘bout that.

i mean, Getting Used to It (and thus expanding your definition of “i’m fine”) isn’t always as dramatic as your brain completely turning off its pain response to an event, so that you don’t realize you’ve injured yourself until some other clue tips you off. that’s certainly happened to me? (and w/ smaller injuries it happens to healthy people too, as when you cut yourself on paper without noticing, and it doesn’t start to hurt until you see it bleed.) but the more everyday/pedestrian forms of this phenomenon are, like. that the level of pain i rated as an 8 in 2016 now reads to me as, like, 5. and that when you’re depressed (or at least when i am), pain goes up but interest in that pain goes down, because of depression’s tendency to normalize negative stimuli.

i think these are two manifestations of the same thing: your brain removes fear from the equation, and since fear makes pain more intense, most pain experienced in fear’s absence seems like no big deal. and that goes double for painful stimuli you once associated with fear but no longer do? in a sorta feedback-loopy way. or at least it does for me. less fear-->less pain-->even less fear the next time something similar happens.

if i sit in nearly any given position too long, one or more of the joints in my legs will sometimes... well, i think subluxate is technically the right word?* but it’s not like a sudden pop: it’s like, as the muscles around them relax my joints slowly slide out of place. as you can imagine (given the low bar required to achieve it), this happens A Lot; i don’t keep track, but probably once a day on average? i know it’s not every day, but also that some days it happens many times, and that both these latter and the days when it doesn’t happen at all often strike me as a change from the norm. so, yeah, probably a mean of once per day. but until sometime in 2019, it used to freak me out—a lot—every time.

it’s often one of those above-mentioned doesn’t hurt until you notice for other reasons scenarios, too, like the paper cut. so i’d be like innocently sitting there, then look down or attempt to adjust position and suddenly OH GOD MY LEG(S). and every time it happened i’d think, “oh god, is this the time i really and truly get stuck and have to be scooped out of this position on a stretcher. fuck, please, no, that would be so humiliating, there’s no way the paramedics would believe me, strangers must not see me like this,” &c., and the more determined i got to prove to myself that i could move, that i wasn’t stuck, that i could get myself out of this, the more horrifically painful these attempts became—partly because fear of pain leads to greater pain, and partly because when you’re panicky you don’t tend to move with much patience or care.

but, of course, every time i would eventually get out of it. it’s hard to say how long it took, because, again, i never timed it, and also because time does weird shit when you’re freaking out. (plus i have adhd, so my estimates of how long things take aren’t the greatest to begin with.) i want to say though that the longest i ever took unpretzeling myself in this way was an hour and a half—and i usually took way less time than that. (it’s hard also to estimate because these days exceeding ten minutes marks an especially long battle of this kind.) iirc, the ~90-minute incident was like, my right hip already felt not quite right, and someone on the internet recommended W-sitting as a way to reduce a subluxed hip, and i tried it because i either didn’t know at that time or had forgotten that when i W-sit for more than a few seconds i often misplace several toes, up to two joints per knee, maybe an ankle, and/or at least one hip. some of these will reduce themselves automatically as soon as i move; others i can only move passively until after i’ve reduced them. so like, that endeavor was a fucking jigsaw puzzle, and good luck figuring those out when a. every wrong move doubles the pain and panic you’re in, but b. leaving the puzzle unfinished is also agonizing. most of the time it was not that bad.

…what was my point? oh yeah: this sat-wrong-now-my-leg’s-stuck business still happens a lot, and it’s n o t like sitting on a pen, where your brain eventually gives up on signaling your discomfort.** nor like when you’re running on adrenaline and your brain doesn’t bother to tell you you’re hungry. nor like what tumblr user bibliosphere described, where her brain evidently just… prioritized other tasks over the “hey please fix this leg” alarm that pain would have signified. but incidents like this do, literally, hurt less the tenth time they happen than they do the first time, and it’s not because your body Toughens Up or whatever either (that only works w/ exercise-related muscle pain); it’s because your brain learns that this event does not pose imminent danger. a subluxation you know how to reduce will hurt less than one you don’t.

that’s what the “i’m always subluxing” version of the hulk meme means. most chronically ill people describe this whole phenomenon as more like the argument from “shot in the knee theory.” as like, you stop screaming because you learn screaming doesn’t help. and i mean… yeah? but ime it’s more that you stop screaming*** when you learn what does help. the OP in that post asks rhetorically,

Are you going to scream and cry the entire time, or are you going to come to grips with reality and accept the fact that freaking out isn’t going to make the ambulance come any faster?

and jesus christ, OP, are you kidding? in real life? definitely the first one! if you literally got shot in the knee, you wouldn’t just scream because it hurt—you would scream also because holy shit, am i gonna die of blood loss? why did they shoot me? are they going to shoot me again??? and pain you’ve had for years, or an injury you’ve sustained many times before, is nothing like that. if it scares you at all, the content of your fear is more like, oh, crap. what’s this gonna feel like tomorrow. will i have to cancel my plans again?

*n.b. i’ve never had this confirmed by a doctor. i just assume that’s what’s happening because 1. the sensations’ non-pain components are very similar to what the subluxations i have had confirmed feel like; 2. if it’s a joint i can see from my position (e.g., the ankle pressed against the floor when criss-cross-applesauced), it usually looks a little fucked up; and 3. it behaves quite differently from regular stiffness, joints in this scenario feeling not so much too tight to move properly as like i keep aiming for and missing the lever that moves them. (and each failed attempt HURTS like my soft tissues are pumpkin guts and my bones are knives trying to scoop them out.)

**i’ve never actually tried this experiment, though, and i’ve heard it doesn’t work on some autistic people. hopefully this goes without saying lmao but my sensory perceptions are Weird in General, so, any hypotheses i build upon them should be salted liberally

***well, whimpering, anyway. for me at least, if i literally scream at an injury it’s not from the pain, it’s from the surprise. i’m more likely to scream when i stub my toe than when i try to bite and my jaw crunches sideways, because the latter is a possibility i sign up for every time i put food in my mouth, whereas like. ob…viously you wouldn’t have stubbed your toe if you’d already known the object you accidentally kicked was there. (except i guess in movies when people kick objects to express rage, forgetting that this will hurt them. in that case i suppose they scream partly from surprise and partly because negative stimuli encountered in “fight” mode reinforce preexisting anger. wow i digress lmao sorry.) but reactions like whimpering, clenching your teeth, &c. only partly come from surprise; they’re also stims, i think, tho clearly not ones unique to ND people. the woman who pierced my ears when i was a kid told me to focus on tapping first one foot and then the other, so i wouldn’t shrink away. i think it’s kinda like that: it releases nervous energy, gives you a competing stimulus to focus on.

[writersrealmbts]

Protect Them-Hybrid AU: Part 10/Finale

Description: Safe with Me Sequel! You work two days a week teaching kids the joys of learning and reading, your favorites being the triplets. When the triplet’s adopted older brother is the one that starts picking them up, you’re not sure what life just handed you but you’re pretty sure it’s just another little slice of heaven. Hoseok x Reader.

Warnings: I don’t even know, if you do, let me know and I’ll change the warnings.

Posted: 02/27/2019

Tags: Hybrid!au, hybrid!Hoseok, Safe With Me Sequel

Angst with fluffs: 2,016 words

A/N: We’re here. The end of this particular arc of the series. I still have a holiday request to fulfill (I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, but I didn’t know how the story was going to go and it would have messed up my ability to finish the story) for Hobi and reader, but that might be a while. I’m also working on finishing up a story I’ve had in my drafts for a while that didn’t go quite like I planned, but it should be fun. I’ve been pretty focused on editing and posting Army Medics on Ao3, so I haven’t done much in the way of some of my WIPs. Also, we got three feet of snow this past weekend, so there’s even more snow than before. My car was buried. Anywho: Thank you everyone who has read it and given me feedback, thanks for the likes, the comments, everything. I’m sorry it took so long for me to finish this series (I posted the prologue on Oct. 5th and the first part on Nov. 14th), but thanks for sticking with me for the journey! I love you all.

“Are you sure?” “Yeah. I’m sure. I mean, it’s a nice place and it’s actually not far from here. There’s a bus I can take to get to work, which will give me time to read.” You smiled down at the baby in your arms. “They’re adorable, Emma.” “I know.” She grinned down at her son, Jaehyun. “Is Aimi asleep?” “Yeah, she is,” You replied, setting her into the cradle before looking at Emma. “I should get going.” She set Jaehyun next to Ami, smiling as they curled into each other with soft, puppy-like sounds. You made a soft sound. “That’s adorable.” “Isn’t it? I missed when the triplets used to do this,” She lightly brushed their heads, then sat back and looked at you. “Have you talked to Hobi?” You shook your head. “No.” She nodded a little, tucking your hair behind your ear. “Are you going to?” You looked at your hands in your lap. “I…I don’t know.” She didn’t say anything more, simply rubbing your arm in a comforting manner. You looked up as Jungkook knocked lightly on the doorframe. “Hey, your bag is in Hobi’s car because he’s insisting on driving you.” You took in a deep breath, then nodded. “Okay, thank you.” He nodded, hesitating in the doorway before disappearing into the hallway. You got up and stretched. “Oh, time for another few hours of torture.” She laughed softly. “Don’t be so melodramatic. This give you the chance to talk to him. If it doesn’t go well, call me. Okay?” You nodded and hugged her. “Thank you for everything, Emma.” She hugged you tightly, then released. “I’m so glad you’re better.” “Well, as much as I can get better, yeah.” You sighed, smiling. The doctors said it was likely that now that they had started, you would continue to have seizures, probably for the rest of your life, and your vision in your left eye still fluctuated between blurry and blind, but your leg was fully functioning now. You were still not allowed to run and it still got tired long before your other did and would get sore, especially at night, but you could put weight on it and move. The triplets all nuzzled into your neck at once when you went to hug Nari goodbye first, causing you to laugh softly. “Why are you leaving?” Minsu asked, rubbing his cheek against your shoulder since Kaemon was blocking your neck. “Because I have to go back to living in my own place now that I’m all better,” You told him, pressing a kiss to his cheek, which prompted the other two to whine for kisses as well. Adorable. “But I like you being here,” Nari said. “Everything is good! I have a baby sister, and I have you and Hobi, and Eomma and Appa!” “And a baby brother,” You added. “I already had brothers, now I have a sister!” She said dramatically. “Be excited about both. Just think about it, one more kid to play with. You love your brothers.” She grinned at them. “I do.” Minsu giggled and playfully tackled her to the ground, rubbing his nose against hers. “You better.” Kaemon flopped on top of both, earning groans and giggly protests. Jin chuckled, watching them carefully from a distance. “Lunch is ready, pups.” “Food!” Minsu cheered. “Get off me! There’s food!” “He’s asleep. Again!” Nari let out a dramatic groan of disbelief. You laughed at their antics, standing and receiving the hugs from Jungkook, Jimin, and Jin. “I’ll see you on Monday,” Jin said, patting your shoulder. “It really was a pleasure having you with us. Don’t be a stranger.” “I’ll try not to be,” You answered, smiling and walking toward the door. Hoseok waved to his family, then followed you out. You two were almost to the summer house, your sister having left everything to you, when you finally broke the heavy silence. “I could’ve taken a taxi,” You started. He shook his head. “I won’t feel comfortable unless I know you’re okay.” “Right, because you feel responsible for me after seeing me get hurt,” You murmured, looking out the window. Anywhere but him. It was quiet again. “Wha…whe…” He made a couple more sounds like he wanted to ask a question before falling silent after a quiet and meaningful, “Oh.” You wouldn’t even look at him after he had parked in front of the house. He just sat in the drivers seat as you got out and went to the trunk to get your bag. You knocked on the trunk and he seemed to flinch before moving and popping the trunk, quickly getting out of the car. You carried the bag inside, even though you could sort of tell that he wanted to carry it for you. But you weren’t hurt anymore. He followed you inside. You set the bag on the couch and gestured around. “There. Happy? I’m safe.” He looked at you with surprise. “Y/n…can I talk to you? Sit with me?” “We sat in silence the whole ride, and you want to talk now?” He nodded, coming over and taking your hand, guiding you to sit beside him. “In the car, you said something about me feeling responsible for you after seeing you get hurt.” “I was just—” “Repeating what I said, that day in the bathroom back when you first got hurt. The day you were sick. I told you that.” He nodded. He seemed nervous. “I told you that my instincts went crazy after seeing you get hurt, and having your blood on me from carrying you to the hospital. But there was more to it. Sure, that’s enough to make a hybrid protective and attached…but when that happens and it’s someone that you like…really, really like…as in…romantically…well, it’s about ten times worse.” “Why are you—” “Not yet. Just, listen. Please. Hybrids can generally tell from a few interactions if someone they’re interested in could be a potential mate. We fall in love quickly. Easily. I’m not an exception. And seeing you that first day, with the kids? And then every time I saw you again…I got there early that day because I was hoping I could talk to you before your shift ended. Then the tornado, and the way you protect the kids. Risking yourself, getting hurt and then rubbing yourself on me so that hte kids wouldn’t notice my fear scent as much…” He was smiling warmly. “How could I not love someone as kind and caring as you?” Holy. Crap. You stared at him, unable to think of a proper response. “Then you got hurt. The guilt I felt…the anger…I couldn’t protect you, or keep you safe, because we were both trying to protect the kids and that led to you getting hurt and it killed me. Because I had to choose and I wanted to choose you, but it was too late and I knew that I would never be able to forgive myself if the kids…and you were so alone…” He was starting to get a little fragmented. “I know you think caring for you was burdensome and unflattering, but honestly, I’ve never really been happier because I got to be close to you and try and help you get better. And you did. And while there were times when you were discouraged you always put up a cheerful front for the pups and…taking care of them with you that week that all that crazy stuff happened was honestly the best week of my life because I got to pretend that we were really together, that they were our kids and we were in love and I had to tell you that I love you because if I don’t I think I might go crazy.” You blinked rapidly at him. “I love you. I love your stubbornness and compassion, and the way you sleep is adorable.” He was holding both of your hands. You weren’t even sure if you were blinking anymore. “Please tell me you aren’t having a seizure while I’m explaining all of this because I might cry if you are.” “I’m not,” You said softly, finally dragging your gaze from him to try and process everything. “That punk.” “What?” “Jungkook. He couldn’t have just said that I was being stupid and that you liked me too. I’ve been driving myself crazy, over something I could have had months ago because of you and your stupid explanations about hybrids and their sense of duty,” You hit him with a couch pillow. “Are you kidding me?! Do you realize, I’ve been tearing myself apart inside thinking that you, the most amazing man I have ever known, saw me as nothing more than your patient and that I would never stand a chance with you. I stopped almost every fantasy, I shunned every niggling idea of something more because…” You let out a shout of frustration. “I love you too, idiot.” He grinned and pulled you to him, lips pressed to yours in a kiss that you wouldn’t forget anytime soon. He had to be a god. “So much better than I thought it would be,” He murmured, kissing you several more times afterward. “Shh,” You scolded, locking onto his lips again. His lips parted from yours, kissing the scar on your face. “I’m moving in. You shouldn’t live alone when you could have a seizure at any time.” “Ok.” “I have to be at Emma and Jin’s before Jin goes to the Sanctuary, so you can ride with me to the house and then with Jin to the Sanctuary.” He tucked his head into your neck. “Mmmm,” You responded semi-coherently. “You’re stuck with me forever.” “However will I manage?” Your response was half-heartedly sarcastic and rhetorical, earning a chuckle from him. He kissed you again. “I’m mating you tonight.” You smiled up at him. The man that had driven you crazy for the past four months. “Fine, but you only have three years before I insist on having kids.” He grinned. “Sounds perfect.” He kissed you again, soft and sweet, then pressed his forehead to yours. “I love you.” “I love you too. More than you could ever imagine.” Maybe life wasn’t perfect and you had lost a lot, but you had Hoseok. “What did you say that night?” “What night?” “The night Emma and Jin went to the hospital to have the twins. I said they’ve got good genes, and you said something else, but I was half-asleep.” He pulled you into his arms completely, laying down with you after kicking your suitcase off of the couch. He was mostly on top of you, forehead pressed against your temple. “I said that ours would be cuter.” Nevermind. Everything bad was worth this perfect moment with him. “So…did you actually want to wait three years, or was that just in case I wanted to wait a few years? Cause, I’ve sort of had to deal with watching and imagining you as the mom to my pups so…” “Oh, that was totally for you, I’ve had baby fever ever since you said ‘our kids’ when I told you to tell people that the triplets were your kids.” “I don’t need the years.” “Then we’ll discard the years.” “Do you need time to adjust to the idea of us being in a relationship?” “Now that I look back on it, aside from the whole sex, sleeping together, and romance we were basically a married couple so not much really changes except I can stop torturing myself.” You nodded. “Huh. I guess you’re right.” “Yeah.” He pressed a kiss to your cheek. “This is really comfortable.” “It is,” You agreed, yawning. “Nap time?” “Totally nap time.” He wiggled a little, getting more comfortable, fluffy tail covering your legs as well as his. “Goodnight, y/n. Love you.” “Goodnight, Hobi.” His hold on you tightened and he grinned. You pressed a chaste little kiss to his lips. “I love you.”

Masterlist.  ~  Part 9.  ~  Masterpost. ~ Specials: Next

Tagged: @jiminslye @musicandmusing @it-is-dana @kimmie113080 @bluebirdphantom

[may-shepard]

the fine art of positive beta-ing

(This post was inspired by the incredible writers at the 2018 Fic Writers’ Retreat, which has just wrapped, and especially by @shamelessmash and @nautilicious. I love you awesome nerds!)

I have a confession to make: for a long time, I thought I was a writer who could not receive feedback. In an effort to hone my craft, I attended workshops and took classes where critique circles were part of the deal, hoping that some insight that my crit partners offered would help me get better, and better. This, I thought, was what I needed: another flail, in addition to the ones I applied to my work myself.

You know this kind of workshop, and this kind of attitude. Maybe you are holding onto it yourself: good writers are forged in Hell Places where All Mistakes Must Be Pointed Out and Eliminated and If You Can’t Take the Heat Get Out of the Kitchen. I was told that my use of commas was annoying. I was told that my choice of subgenre was untimely. I was red penned into a stupor. 

Despite the fact that I was able to edit myself to the point where I got a few pieces accepted for publication, crit never, ever worked for me. I emerged from these experiences both pissed off and self-flagellating. I couldn’t see through the multiple and often contradictory corrections offered by my fellow critters, or the instructor, when I was taking a course. 

Any piece I exposed to someone else’s crit, I always trunked, totally convinced that the problems with it were intractable, and that there was no point in trying to fix it. Worse yet, I felt like somehow I’d failed as a writer: I couldn’t take the heat. Perhaps it was time for me to exit the kitchen.

After a few failed attempts to find a crit circumstance that worked for me, and a really long bout of writer’s block, I managed to recover myself enough that I could write, by convincing myself that maybe I was just not a crit sort of a writer. I limited myself to troubleshooting my plots with my partner, who is great at reworking plots. As for making my craft better, I decided to go it alone.

Then I met @shamelessmash​, and everything changed, because she changed the way I look at the act of beta reading, and the way I do it.  

Way back when (uh, at 2017’s Fic Writer’s Retreat?), Mash and I were both working on longish projects, and, in part because I had a hand in helping her develop the idea for her lovely Sherlock fic A Case of Identity--The Musical, we agreed to trade beta. 

(I can admit now that I hoped that she would accept beta from me and then like, forget that she’d offered to beta my fic in return.)

When she first asked me to read a chapter of ACOI, she specified that she wanted squee only: just positive feedback on what was working so far. I’d never had anyone ask that before, so I had no idea what was going to happen next. (Spoiler: really great things.) 

At first, I thought, no problem! The fic was in the early stages of development, and we all want a little bit of encouragement along the way. As I read, and I thought, oh, there’s a comma here, a verb that could verb in a verbier way over there, I was tempted to mention it, but then I remembered her request and I refrained. I try, when I can, not to be a shitty friend. I also try not to be a shitty beta, which, hey you guys, means respecting the writer’s right to ask for the kind of feedback they want, and trying your best to offer it. 

At the same time, the part of me that wants to be useful was squirming. How could 100% positive feedback possibly help someone hone their work into something better? 

Boy was I about to find out. You will too, under the cut.

Receiving positive feedback makes you want to keep going. 

Mash, super smart awesome writer that she is, knew that she wanted motivation to carry on forward. She was trying to get as much of the draft done as possible, before she started to post. There is nothing wrong with needing positive feedback in order to keep going. It’s really, really clever to ask for it. Knowing that the premise was working and that what she’d written so far was charming (and it was, so so so charming, holy crap) gave her a boost, and who the fuck doesn’t need that?

Asking for positive feedback only is a good idea, you guys. Try it the next time you ask for help with an early draft of a thing.

The other lessons came when it was time for me to share my stuff with her. See above re: reasons why I really hesitate to let people crit my stuff, but, given who Mash is, I was pretty sure it would be okay.

It was okay. It was more than okay. It was brilliant, amazing, incredible.

If you’ve never had the pleasure of receiving beta from a writer who is really really good at knowing what works in a story, and is willing to yell at you about what’s working in yours, let me tell you, it is a treat and so, so helpful. As I watched Mash go through my google doc on the first couple of chapters of my Sherlock fic The Burning Heart, leaving trails of keysmash and screaming as she went, I not only felt like a goddamn writing genius, but I also was taking substantial notes about where she was doing it. 

Knowing what is working in a story is even more important for a writer than knowing what is not working.

If you know what works, you can play that up, and do more of it. That’s one reason, one very good reason, why telling a writer what you like in their story is a good idea, but there’s an even more important one. 

Telling a writer what works helps them understand their own magic.   

We all know, even if we’ve never been told, that what makes a writer great is not whether or not they can follow the rules for good writing, but rather, whatever it is that is uniquely theirs, that they bring to a story. Good craft, which you can learn, will always, always help you make your story more clear to whoever is reading it. Good story, good magic, the unique ineffable sense of play that makes you want to tell this story in this way at this point in time, that’s what makes people think, whoa wow whoa, this is amazing. It flourishes when it’s praised. When your magic is ignored, like it is when you receive crit that’s 100% focused on your mistakes, it lies down on the floor and refuses to get up again.

This is one major source of writer’s block. Even if you think offering positive feedback is kind of bullshit, I think it’s good, from a writerly karma pov, to avoid doing things that block other writers, especially the ones who’ve asked you for feedback. 

But wait there’s more!

Mash did a lot more than keysmash and scream: she also asked questions when she was particularly excited. 

The questions you, as a reader, are dying to have answered are invaluable writer feedback.

Hey is x going to do y next? (Insert inevitable joke about x being y’s love interest.)

Oh my god what did he mean by that?

How long is it going to be before we find out the answer to the question you laid out in Chapter Three?

These questions let me know where the breadcrumb trail I was trying to leave was effective. Under some circumstances, they let me know when I was waiting too long for a reveal. This alone helped me hone my plot. 

Radio silence helps you see where what you wanted to achieve isn’t coming through.

We all have those places in our writing where we think we’ve really nailed it. When you’re dealing with a beta whose primary mode is positive, and they skim past the moment that you hoped was Big and Significant and Came off Well, you know you have more work to do. As writers we have ideas of what we’re trying to achieve, and we’re all trying to bridge that gap between what’s in our heads (which is potentially AMAZING) and what’s on the page (which inevitably NEEDS WORK). We know that what we’ve done will benefit from polishing. A lukewarm response to a big deal moment is a great indicator that we need to hit it harder or make it more clear. 

The Role of What We Usually Think of When We Think of Crit

What do I think about comments that point out errors or ask thornier questions about what isn’t working? I think they have a place. I think that place is probably less important than most of us think.

It is still definitely helpful, and useful, to let a writer know if you think they’ve made a mistake, or if you think that something could be more clear. If they have an excessive attachment to a particular word or sentence structure, or whatever it may be, it’s fine and helpful and good to note that. 

There are gentler ways of doing this that will be more helpful to most writers. 

Instead of citing a “writing rule,” consider pointing out what the writer has done. 

Never use adverbs they are the devil is easier to take and more useful if you stick to observing what’s on the page: you’ve used twelve adverbs in the last three paragraphs. 

Show don’t tell could become instead of saying he’s sad, what about one sentence describing his internal reaction to finding his former partner’s scarf in the glove box?

If you’re offering crit in order to show off your knowledge of “the rules” and to talk about how you would never break those rules but the writer you’re critting has, your ego has taken over, and you’re probably not going to be super helpful in this moment. 

Teach, don’t overcorrect.

Where a writer makes the same grammar mistake over and over, this is not the time to judge them and point out every single instance of it, unless they’ve asked you for a SPAG edit. It’s the time to recognise that they probably don’t understand semi-colons and link them to a post that explains them, point out one or maybe two wrong uses of semi-colons as you do your crit, and leave it up to the writer to correct it themselves (or not!). 

Believe it or not, people generally like it better when you leave it up to them to take responsibility for their own work, and allow them to decide how much they want to take on board at any given time. If that writer doesn’t want to learn about semi-colons in this exact moment, then that is cool. If you’re not cool with it, perhaps it’s time to examine your excessive attachment to semi-colon evangelism. 

Consider the level of the writer and emphasize the positive anyway

If you’re dealing with a beginner writer who is just figuring shit out, for the love of all that’s sweet and tender, just pick one or two mistakes to work on. Tackle verb tenses or POV this time--leave run on sentences for some future moment, and let them know, in no uncertain terms, what you like about what they’ve done. You could be the difference between shutting a writer down or ensuring that they keep going.

If you’re dealing with an advanced writer, please, please don’t assume that they don’t need positive feedback. Mighty oaks need the sun just as much as seedlings do. I’m by no means super adept at my craft, but I’m not a beginner either, and I always, always learn so fucking much when I see what people respond to in my work, when I understand what resonates with them. 

A note on the proportion of positive to negative comments

There’s an old saw, that I’ve always found to be a bit cynical, about saying something positive before offering something negative in crit. This is a great idea, in theory. In practice, sometimes people following this rule offer comments like this:

This paragraph has some nice description in it, but 

*deep, sucking inhale*

eight sentences follow that go into intimate detail about how many times the writer has used the word feel and how that is not a great idea for these thirteen reasons and also there’s a mistake in the research with reference to the specific century the armor the main character is wearing was most likely to be manufactured and and and and

Okay, I’m hoping you can see why, if this is the only form of positive feedback offered, it might come off as insincere. 

On the other hand, in the context of a crit that lavishes praise on everything good, a genuine observation that a particular paragraph has issues or a particular aspect of the timeline is self-contradictory or the writer flips wantonly between first person and third person, is so much easier to take, and so much more likely to be seen as genuinely helpful. 

When I go into a crit, I usually try to get my energy up and my mindset into a positive space before I do. I try to remember that on the other end of this work of fiction is a human person who, in the act of offering their work up for feedback, is making themselves vulnerable. If I catch myself dryly pointing out errors without saying much positive, I know that it’s either not a good time for me to be offering crit, or I need to slow down a little and enjoy what I’m reading. (In rare cases, it means I’m not the right person to be beta-ing that particular story.) I try to read like a reader, not like a writer. I try to avoid reading like I do when I’m combing my own stuff for infelicitous turns of phrase or bad logic, unless that’s what the writer has requested.

If you yourself are from the Hell Place and believe that You Work Best When You’re Being Punched In the Face and So Should Everyone Else, first, uh, you probably need a hug, but also, try offering positive crit the next time you beta for someone, and see what a difference it makes. If you’ve never received a crit that’s largely positive, consider asking for one, the next time you go to a trusted beta. Ask them to tell you whatever it is that they think is working. (If they refuse, find someone else who is not from the Hell Place.) 

Even if you’re not from the Hell Place, give positive crit a try. We certainly have enough misery in this world. There are many, many reasons to spread some joy, especially where that joy is functional, helpful, and potentially life-changing.

I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. 

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Torey Krug and David Pastrnak – The spin is nice, but don't sleep on the synchronized stopping.

Hey, speaking of Bruins pairing off in interesting ways…

The second star: Brad Marchand and Leo Komarov – Look, the heart wants what it wants.

(Here's Komarov's response.)

The first star: Tomas Tatar – The clip is from a few months ago, but Tatar only posted it publicly this week. It's of his first time on the ice at the Red Wings new arena. Literally. He takes on step, and he's on the ice.

Yep, it's the old "forget to take off my skate guards" mistake. We've all been there, Tomas. Good to know if happens to the pros too.

The NHL Actually Got Something Right...Maybe...Depending on Your Perspective

One of the biggest stories of the week was a line brawl that broke out late in a game between the Flames and Red Wings on Wednesday night. The situation began with a fight between Luke Witkowski and Brett Kulak, and it escalated when Calgary pest Matthew Tkachuk tapped Witkowski on the leg on his way to the locker room, causing the Red Wing to return to the ice. That helped lead to another fight that spilled into the tunnel thanks to an open bench door, plus several other scrums and some players getting involved from the benches. At one point it looked like it might include a goalie fight.

Witkowski will probably get ten games for coming back after leaving the playing surface, Tkachuk somehow got a spearing major for that tap, and we can expect plenty of fines and maybe even an additional suspension or two. You can watch the whole thing here.

The brawl has been variously described as "chaotic," "crazy," "out of control," and "an old-fashioned dust-up." References to old-time hockey were plentiful.

So since everyone's talking about the Flames and Red Wings, let's take this as an opportunity for a reminder: Holy crap, has the NHL ever come a long way when it comes to getting fights and brawls out of the game.

I mean, the Wings and Flames thing was bad, there's no doubt, especially when it briefly spilled into the tunnel. Somebody could have got hurt there, and it's fortunate that the officials were able to get things under control before things erupted even further.

But the fact this is headline news in the hockey world right now just shows how much the game has changed. It's easy to forget now—or not to even know, if you're a relatively new fan—but stuff like this used to happen all the time. A line brawl or two used to be standard issue for a night's worth of NHL action. And it wasn't rare to see things get far more out of control.

An old-fashioned dust-up? I'm not so sure it was. I mean, this is what a brawl looked like in the 1960s, featuring a player attacking a linesman and fans throwing punches from the stands.

Here's one from the 1980s, which spans an intermission and includes a career-ending sucker punch.

Heck, here's Dave Manson taking the same 10-game suspension Witkowski will probably get. It's from a brawl that's best remembered for two of the players not fighting. We thought this was funny back then, even though it features a dangerous cheap shot, a linesman getting crushed from behind, two players pummeling one defenseless opponent at the same time, and only stops short of becoming a full bench-clearer because John Kordic of all people pulls Wendel Clark back to the bench.

And of course, I don't have to remind Red Wings fans about this:

Look, I don't want to go all cane-waving grandpa on you kids, but there's a very good chance that if this week's Flames/Wings brawl had happened in, like, 1991, it wouldn't even have made the highlights. You'd have watched your nightly sportscast without ever hearing about it, until it got mentioned in passing when the Wings came to town and they had to explain why Witkowski wasn't playing.

And yes, I realize that your view of whether all of this a good thing or not will vary based on your perspective. Some of you will see this as a clear sign of progress, of a league getting the silly and often dangerous sideshows out of the sport and letting the actual game take center stage for a change. Others will mumble about how the league was better back when this stuff happened from time to time, even though you're well aware that you're not supposed to say that out loud these days.

And maybe others are like me, stuck in the middle between being glad that we've got a far safer and saner league today while also vaguely missing a time when we could enjoy the sideshow stuff without realizing how dangerous it could be.

But whichever group you fall into, it's worthwhile to take a moment every now and then to understand and/or appreciate how much the game has changed, because we've come a million miles on this stuff. The Wings and Flames gave us that chance this week.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

This week's obscure player is Hannu Virta, for reasons we'll get to in a bit.

Virta was a Finnish defenseman who was drafted by the Sabres in the second round of the 1981 draft after coach and GM Scotty Bowman had snuck over to see him play overseas. He was viewed as a bit of a steal at the time, although that was before we realized that the blue-liner the Canadiens grabbed two picks later would turn out to be slightly better. Virta came over to North America and debuted for Buffalo later that season, playing three games before settling into regular NHL duty in 1982-83. That first full season was his best, as he scored 13 goals and had 37 points as a rookie. He'd play three more seasons in Buffalo before heading back home to Finland at the age of 23 to complete his military service. He stayed, and quickly became a star in the Finnish Elite League. He'd earn top defenseman honors four times, and also became a regular on the national team. After retiring, he became a head coach in the league.

But despite all of that, the unquestioned highlight of Virta's hockey career came in 1991. And we'll get to it in the Classic YouTube section. Here's a hint: It involves ice hockey.

New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary

Goal DNA – A neat historical project that I'm guessing readers of this column might appreciate, especially as the league's celebration of its own history kicks into overdrive this weekend. Goal DNA is the work of Twitter's @suicidepass, based on a similar idea used in baseball by Jesse Spector, and has been unfolding over the last month or so.

It works like this: Take any player from any point in league history, and figure out who he scored his very first NHL goal against. Then you take that goaltender, and figure out who he gave up his first goal to. Then you keep going, alternating back and forth between goalies and players, and see how far back into history you can reach.

Sometimes, it's not all that far—if a player and goalie had their first goal against each other, for example, then that kills the thread. And sometimes you can run into problems with the historical record, which isn't always clear about who was in net for a specific goal.

But sometimes you get something really cool. For example, here's Erik Karlsson, who's Goal DNA stretches all the way back to the first game played by the original Ottawa Senators 100 years ago.

Or here's Auston Matthews, whose chain links to Maple Leaf legends Terry Sawchuk and Syl Apps, by way of Hall-of-Fame forwards Paul Kariya, Mike Bossy and Marcel Dionne.

Here's the Sedin twins, who sadly don't turn out to have identical Goal DNA but do converge in the 1960s thanks to Cesare Maniago. (For reasons that aren't completely clear, Cesare Maniago shows up in a lot of these.)

So far, efforts to find a Goal DNA that traces all the way back to the NHL's very first goal—scored by Montreal's Dave Ritchie against Sammy Hebert one minute into the first ever game—have come up empty, but it's out there somewhere. You can follow the fun on Twitter with the #GoalDNA hashtag.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Teemu Selanne was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame on Monday, and everyone has spent the week saying nice things about him. And rightfully so – he's one of the most talented and popular players of the modern era. But it's not like the guy is perfect. So today, let's head back to 1991 as we remind ourselves that even the greats occasionally do things they'll regret.

(A huge thanks to reader Niklas for sending in the clip. Remember, if you have a clip you think I need to be aware or, email me.)

So it's 1991 and Team Finland is preparing for the World Hockey Championships. They're the host country for this year's tournament, and are seeking what would be the country's first ever medal at the event. The team features plenty of talent, including a certain winger who's about to head to the NHL, and they're feeling confident. But how best to show that to the world?

Yes, by now regular readers know the answer: With a terrible song. Here we go.

As best I can tell, the three wacky characters at the start of the clip are from Kummeli, a Finnish comedy crew. I'd make some sort of crack about the humor being lost in translation, but my country is responsible for The Love Guru, so I can't throw stones.

Last chance to hit mute if you don't want a Finnish hockey song stuck in your head for the next week. You've been warned.

We see some mysterious hands working a sound mixer, and the music begins. We're quickly introduced to our singers: five guys in Team Finland jerseys and a guy I'll just refer to as "Way Too Enthusiastic Dude." The hockey players include national team members Esa Keskinen, Pasi Huura and Sakari Lindfors, plus our old pal form the obscure player section, Hannu Virta.

The final player looks vaguely familiar, in the sense that it's Teemu Selanne and he looks exactly the same as he did at Monday night's induction ceremony. Seriously, he and Paul Kariya were best friends, teammates in Anaheim, followed each other to Colorado when they were free agents, went into the Hall of Fame on the same night and also neither one of them has aged a day since the early 90s. If everyone else wants to just pretend this is OK then I'm fine with that, but don't act surprised when this all turns out to be the plot of some weird Stephen King novel.

As per terrible hockey music video bylaws, shots of our singers are interspersed with clips from one and only one game. In this case, it's a matchup with Finland's top rival, Team Sweden. It's a real mixed bag, featuring genuinely cool highlights of a Swedish player being checked into the bench and a nice Finnish goal, as well as shots of guys winning faceoffs or just falling down. Look, it was 1991—if you wanted highlights of Team Finland in international tournaments, you took what you could get.

We also meet the star of the video: Whoever did the "ICE HOCKEY" text animations. I think that guy burned through all 16 fonts we had back in 1991.

My very favorite moment in the video comes about a minute in, when you can pinpoint the exact moment Selanne realizes this is a bad idea:

Here's my best attempt at transcribing the lyrics:

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

D'oh! That's hockey.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

And teriyaki.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

Gopher hockey.

Senior homes taste yucky.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's bang on, no need to google this any further.

I've got to be honest, they reeled me in a little with the dramatic bridge. They even feature a clip of Finland scoring a goal, which would be inspiring it they hadn't already used that same goal a minute earlier. Had…had Finland only ever scored one goal against Sweden? I think they may have.

Don't go getting cocky, Team Sweden, this isn't any worse than your song from 1989.

We close out with a few more closeups of our smiling singers and their, let's just say it, absolutely impeccable Finnish hockey hair. We also see a few more shots of those hands working the sound board, but never find out who they belong to. I was so sure the camera was going to pan up at the end and reveal that it was Neil Sheehy all along. Or, as he'd be known in Finland, Neeiil Sheeeehy.

We get one more Kummeli appearance, and we're all done. Finland would go on to fail to medal at the 1991 tournament. But they'd get their first medal the next year, and win gold in 1995, so this song may well have been the turning point.

As for Selanne, he stayed in Finland for one more year and then signed his first NHL contract with…Calgary? Yeah, it was a weird time. He wound up with Winnipeg, and soon he was scoring 76 goals as a rookie to kick off a career that spanned two decades. Now he's in the Hall of Fame. And he still isn't getting any older.

(That's probably a good thing, actually. I'm told that senior homes taste yucky.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com or find him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[amtushinfosolutionspage]

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne’s Singing Debut

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Torey Krug and David Pastrnak – The spin is nice, but don’t sleep on the synchronized stopping.

Hey, speaking of Bruins pairing off in interesting ways…

The second star: Brad Marchand and Leo Komarov – Look, the heart wants what it wants.

(Here’s Komarov’s response.)

The first star: Tomas Tatar – The clip is from a few months ago, but Tatar only posted it publicly this week. It’s of his first time on the ice at the Red Wings new arena. Literally. He takes on step, and he’s on the ice.

Yep, it’s the old “forget to take off my skate guards” mistake. We’ve all been there, Tomas. Good to know if happens to the pros too.

The NHL Actually Got Something Right…Maybe…Depending on Your Perspective

One of the biggest stories of the week was a line brawl that broke out late in a game between the Flames and Red Wings on Wednesday night. The situation began with a fight between Luke Witkowski and Brett Kulak, and it escalated when Calgary pest Matthew Tkachuk tapped Witkowski on the leg on his way to the locker room, causing the Red Wing to return to the ice. That helped lead to another fight that spilled into the tunnel thanks to an open bench door, plus several other scrums and some players getting involved from the benches. At one point it looked like it might include a goalie fight.

Witkowski will probably get ten games for coming back after leaving the playing surface, Tkachuk somehow got a spearing major for that tap, and we can expect plenty of fines and maybe even an additional suspension or two. You can watch the whole thing here.

The brawl has been variously described as “chaotic,” “crazy,” “out of control,” and “an old-fashioned dust-up.” References to old-time hockey were plentiful.

So since everyone’s talking about the Flames and Red Wings, let’s take this as an opportunity for a reminder: Holy crap, has the NHL ever come a long way when it comes to getting fights and brawls out of the game.

I mean, the Wings and Flames thing was bad, there’s no doubt, especially when it briefly spilled into the tunnel. Somebody could have got hurt there, and it’s fortunate that the officials were able to get things under control before things erupted even further.

But the fact this is headline news in the hockey world right now just shows how much the game has changed. It’s easy to forget now—or not to even know, if you’re a relatively new fan—but stuff like this used to happen all the time. A line brawl or two used to be standard issue for a night’s worth of NHL action. And it wasn’t rare to see things get far more out of control.

An old-fashioned dust-up? I’m not so sure it was. I mean, this is what a brawl looked like in the 1960s, featuring a player attacking a linesman and fans throwing punches from the stands.

Here’s one from the 1980s, which spans an intermission and includes a career-ending sucker punch.

Heck, here’s Dave Manson taking the same 10-game suspension Witkowski will probably get. It’s from a brawl that’s best remembered for two of the players not fighting. We thought this was funny back then, even though it features a dangerous cheap shot, a linesman getting crushed from behind, two players pummeling one defenseless opponent at the same time, and only stops short of becoming a full bench-clearer because John Kordic of all people pulls Wendel Clark back to the bench.

And of course, I don’t have to remind Red Wings fans about this:

Look, I don’t want to go all cane-waving grandpa on you kids, but there’s a very good chance that if this week’s Flames/Wings brawl had happened in, like, 1991, it wouldn’t even have made the highlights. You’d have watched your nightly sportscast without ever hearing about it, until it got mentioned in passing when the Wings came to town and they had to explain why Witkowski wasn’t playing.

And yes, I realize that your view of whether all of this a good thing or not will vary based on your perspective. Some of you will see this as a clear sign of progress, of a league getting the silly and often dangerous sideshows out of the sport and letting the actual game take center stage for a change. Others will mumble about how the league was better back when this stuff happened from time to time, even though you’re well aware that you’re not supposed to say that out loud these days.

And maybe others are like me, stuck in the middle between being glad that we’ve got a far safer and saner league today while also vaguely missing a time when we could enjoy the sideshow stuff without realizing how dangerous it could be.

But whichever group you fall into, it’s worthwhile to take a moment every now and then to understand and/or appreciate how much the game has changed, because we’ve come a million miles on this stuff. The Wings and Flames gave us that chance this week.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

This week’s obscure player is Hannu Virta, for reasons we’ll get to in a bit.

Virta was a Finnish defenseman who was drafted by the Sabres in the second round of the 1981 draft after coach and GM Scotty Bowman had snuck over to see him play overseas. He was viewed as a bit of a steal at the time, although that was before we realized that the blue-liner the Canadiens grabbed two picks later would turn out to be slightly better. Virta came over to North America and debuted for Buffalo later that season, playing three games before settling into regular NHL duty in 1982-83. That first full season was his best, as he scored 13 goals and had 37 points as a rookie. He’d play three more seasons in Buffalo before heading back home to Finland at the age of 23 to complete his military service. He stayed, and quickly became a star in the Finnish Elite League. He’d earn top defenseman honors four times, and also became a regular on the national team. After retiring, he became a head coach in the league.

But despite all of that, the unquestioned highlight of Virta’s hockey career came in 1991. And we’ll get to it in the Classic YouTube section. Here’s a hint: It involves ice hockey.

New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary

Goal DNA – A neat historical project that I’m guessing readers of this column might appreciate, especially as the league’s celebration of its own history kicks into overdrive this weekend. Goal DNA is the work of Twitter’s @suicidepass, based on a similar idea used in baseball by Jesse Spector, and has been unfolding over the last month or so.

It works like this: Take any player from any point in league history, and figure out who he scored his very first NHL goal against. Then you take that goaltender, and figure out who he gave up his first goal to. Then you keep going, alternating back and forth between goalies and players, and see how far back into history you can reach.

Sometimes, it’s not all that far—if a player and goalie had their first goal against each other, for example, then that kills the thread. And sometimes you can run into problems with the historical record, which isn’t always clear about who was in net for a specific goal.

But sometimes you get something really cool. For example, here’s Erik Karlsson, who’s Goal DNA stretches all the way back to the first game played by the original Ottawa Senators 100 years ago.

Or here’s Auston Matthews, whose chain links to Maple Leaf legends Terry Sawchuk and Syl Apps, by way of Hall-of-Fame forwards Paul Kariya, Mike Bossy and Marcel Dionne.

Here’s the Sedin twins, who sadly don’t turn out to have identical Goal DNA but do converge in the 1960s thanks to Cesare Maniago. (For reasons that aren’t completely clear, Cesare Maniago shows up in a lot of these.)

So far, efforts to find a Goal DNA that traces all the way back to the NHL’s very first goal—scored by Montreal’s Dave Ritchie against Sammy Hebert one minute into the first ever game—have come up empty, but it’s out there somewhere. You can follow the fun on Twitter with the #GoalDNA hashtag.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Teemu Selanne was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame on Monday, and everyone has spent the week saying nice things about him. And rightfully so – he’s one of the most talented and popular players of the modern era. But it’s not like the guy is perfect. So today, let’s head back to 1991 as we remind ourselves that even the greats occasionally do things they’ll regret.

(A huge thanks to reader Niklas for sending in the clip. Remember, if you have a clip you think I need to be aware or, email me.)

So it’s 1991 and Team Finland is preparing for the World Hockey Championships. They’re the host country for this year’s tournament, and are seeking what would be the country’s first ever medal at the event. The team features plenty of talent, including a certain winger who’s about to head to the NHL, and they’re feeling confident. But how best to show that to the world?

Yes, by now regular readers know the answer: With a terrible song. Here we go.

As best I can tell, the three wacky characters at the start of the clip are from Kummeli, a Finnish comedy crew. I’d make some sort of crack about the humor being lost in translation, but my country is responsible for The Love Guru, so I can’t throw stones.

Last chance to hit mute if you don’t want a Finnish hockey song stuck in your head for the next week. You’ve been warned.

We see some mysterious hands working a sound mixer, and the music begins. We’re quickly introduced to our singers: five guys in Team Finland jerseys and a guy I’ll just refer to as “Way Too Enthusiastic Dude.” The hockey players include national team members Esa Keskinen, Pasi Huura and Sakari Lindfors, plus our old pal form the obscure player section, Hannu Virta.

The final player looks vaguely familiar, in the sense that it’s Teemu Selanne and he looks exactly the same as he did at Monday night’s induction ceremony. Seriously, he and Paul Kariya were best friends, teammates in Anaheim, followed each other to Colorado when they were free agents, went into the Hall of Fame on the same night and also neither one of them has aged a day since the early 90s. If everyone else wants to just pretend this is OK then I’m fine with that, but don’t act surprised when this all turns out to be the plot of some weird Stephen King novel.

As per terrible hockey music video bylaws, shots of our singers are interspersed with clips from one and only one game. In this case, it’s a matchup with Finland’s top rival, Team Sweden. It’s a real mixed bag, featuring genuinely cool highlights of a Swedish player being checked into the bench and a nice Finnish goal, as well as shots of guys winning faceoffs or just falling down. Look, it was 1991—if you wanted highlights of Team Finland in international tournaments, you took what you could get.

We also meet the star of the video: Whoever did the “ICE HOCKEY” text animations. I think that guy burned through all 16 fonts we had back in 1991.

My very favorite moment in the video comes about a minute in, when you can pinpoint the exact moment Selanne realizes this is a bad idea:

Here’s my best attempt at transcribing the lyrics:

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

D’oh! That’s hockey.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

And teriyaki.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

Gopher hockey.

Senior homes taste yucky.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s bang on, no need to google this any further.

I’ve got to be honest, they reeled me in a little with the dramatic bridge. They even feature a clip of Finland scoring a goal, which would be inspiring it they hadn’t already used that same goal a minute earlier. Had…had Finland only ever scored one goal against Sweden? I think they may have.

Don’t go getting cocky, Team Sweden, this isn’t any worse than your song from 1989.

We close out with a few more closeups of our smiling singers and their, let’s just say it, absolutely impeccable Finnish hockey hair. We also see a few more shots of those hands working the sound board, but never find out who they belong to. I was so sure the camera was going to pan up at the end and reveal that it was Neil Sheehy all along. Or, as he’d be known in Finland, Neeiil Sheeeehy.

We get one more Kummeli appearance, and we’re all done. Finland would go on to fail to medal at the 1991 tournament. But they’d get their first medal the next year, and win gold in 1995, so this song may well have been the turning point.

As for Selanne, he stayed in Finland for one more year and then signed his first NHL contract with…Calgary? Yeah, it was a weird time. He wound up with Winnipeg, and soon he was scoring 76 goals as a rookie to kick off a career that spanned two decades. Now he’s in the Hall of Fame. And he still isn’t getting any older.

(That’s probably a good thing, actually. I’m told that senior homes taste yucky.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you’d like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com or find him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne’s Singing Debut syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Torey Krug and David Pastrnak – The spin is nice, but don't sleep on the synchronized stopping.

Hey, speaking of Bruins pairing off in interesting ways…

The second star: Brad Marchand and Leo Komarov – Look, the heart wants what it wants.

(Here's Komarov's response.)

The first star: Tomas Tatar – The clip is from a few months ago, but Tatar only posted it publicly this week. It's of his first time on the ice at the Red Wings new arena. Literally. He takes on step, and he's on the ice.

Yep, it's the old "forget to take off my skate guards" mistake. We've all been there, Tomas. Good to know if happens to the pros too.

The NHL Actually Got Something Right...Maybe...Depending on Your Perspective

One of the biggest stories of the week was a line brawl that broke out late in a game between the Flames and Red Wings on Wednesday night. The situation began with a fight between Luke Witkowski and Brett Kulak, and it escalated when Calgary pest Matthew Tkachuk tapped Witkowski on the leg on his way to the locker room, causing the Red Wing to return to the ice. That helped lead to another fight that spilled into the tunnel thanks to an open bench door, plus several other scrums and some players getting involved from the benches. At one point it looked like it might include a goalie fight.

Witkowski will probably get ten games for coming back after leaving the playing surface, Tkachuk somehow got a spearing major for that tap, and we can expect plenty of fines and maybe even an additional suspension or two. You can watch the whole thing here.

The brawl has been variously described as "chaotic," "crazy," "out of control," and "an old-fashioned dust-up." References to old-time hockey were plentiful.

So since everyone's talking about the Flames and Red Wings, let's take this as an opportunity for a reminder: Holy crap, has the NHL ever come a long way when it comes to getting fights and brawls out of the game.

I mean, the Wings and Flames thing was bad, there's no doubt, especially when it briefly spilled into the tunnel. Somebody could have got hurt there, and it's fortunate that the officials were able to get things under control before things erupted even further.

But the fact this is headline news in the hockey world right now just shows how much the game has changed. It's easy to forget now—or not to even know, if you're a relatively new fan—but stuff like this used to happen all the time. A line brawl or two used to be standard issue for a night's worth of NHL action. And it wasn't rare to see things get far more out of control.

An old-fashioned dust-up? I'm not so sure it was. I mean, this is what a brawl looked like in the 1960s, featuring a player attacking a linesman and fans throwing punches from the stands.

Here's one from the 1980s, which spans an intermission and includes a career-ending sucker punch.

Heck, here's Dave Manson taking the same 10-game suspension Witkowski will probably get. It's from a brawl that's best remembered for two of the players not fighting. We thought this was funny back then, even though it features a dangerous cheap shot, a linesman getting crushed from behind, two players pummeling one defenseless opponent at the same time, and only stops short of becoming a full bench-clearer because John Kordic of all people pulls Wendel Clark back to the bench.

And of course, I don't have to remind Red Wings fans about this:

Look, I don't want to go all cane-waving grandpa on you kids, but there's a very good chance that if this week's Flames/Wings brawl had happened in, like, 1991, it wouldn't even have made the highlights. You'd have watched your nightly sportscast without ever hearing about it, until it got mentioned in passing when the Wings came to town and they had to explain why Witkowski wasn't playing.

And yes, I realize that your view of whether all of this a good thing or not will vary based on your perspective. Some of you will see this as a clear sign of progress, of a league getting the silly and often dangerous sideshows out of the sport and letting the actual game take center stage for a change. Others will mumble about how the league was better back when this stuff happened from time to time, even though you're well aware that you're not supposed to say that out loud these days.

And maybe others are like me, stuck in the middle between being glad that we've got a far safer and saner league today while also vaguely missing a time when we could enjoy the sideshow stuff without realizing how dangerous it could be.

But whichever group you fall into, it's worthwhile to take a moment every now and then to understand and/or appreciate how much the game has changed, because we've come a million miles on this stuff. The Wings and Flames gave us that chance this week.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

This week's obscure player is Hannu Virta, for reasons we'll get to in a bit.

Virta was a Finnish defenseman who was drafted by the Sabres in the second round of the 1981 draft after coach and GM Scotty Bowman had snuck over to see him play overseas. He was viewed as a bit of a steal at the time, although that was before we realized that the blue-liner the Canadiens grabbed two picks later would turn out to be slightly better. Virta came over to North America and debuted for Buffalo later that season, playing three games before settling into regular NHL duty in 1982-83. That first full season was his best, as he scored 13 goals and had 37 points as a rookie. He'd play three more seasons in Buffalo before heading back home to Finland at the age of 23 to complete his military service. He stayed, and quickly became a star in the Finnish Elite League. He'd earn top defenseman honors four times, and also became a regular on the national team. After retiring, he became a head coach in the league.

But despite all of that, the unquestioned highlight of Virta's hockey career came in 1991. And we'll get to it in the Classic YouTube section. Here's a hint: It involves ice hockey.

New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary

Goal DNA – A neat historical project that I'm guessing readers of this column might appreciate, especially as the league's celebration of its own history kicks into overdrive this weekend. Goal DNA is the work of Twitter's @suicidepass, based on a similar idea used in baseball by Jesse Spector, and has been unfolding over the last month or so.

It works like this: Take any player from any point in league history, and figure out who he scored his very first NHL goal against. Then you take that goaltender, and figure out who he gave up his first goal to. Then you keep going, alternating back and forth between goalies and players, and see how far back into history you can reach.

Sometimes, it's not all that far—if a player and goalie had their first goal against each other, for example, then that kills the thread. And sometimes you can run into problems with the historical record, which isn't always clear about who was in net for a specific goal.

But sometimes you get something really cool. For example, here's Erik Karlsson, who's Goal DNA stretches all the way back to the first game played by the original Ottawa Senators 100 years ago.

Or here's Auston Matthews, whose chain links to Maple Leaf legends Terry Sawchuk and Syl Apps, by way of Hall-of-Fame forwards Paul Kariya, Mike Bossy and Marcel Dionne.

Here's the Sedin twins, who sadly don't turn out to have identical Goal DNA but do converge in the 1960s thanks to Cesare Maniago. (For reasons that aren't completely clear, Cesare Maniago shows up in a lot of these.)

So far, efforts to find a Goal DNA that traces all the way back to the NHL's very first goal—scored by Montreal's Dave Ritchie against Sammy Hebert one minute into the first ever game—have come up empty, but it's out there somewhere. You can follow the fun on Twitter with the #GoalDNA hashtag.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Teemu Selanne was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame on Monday, and everyone has spent the week saying nice things about him. And rightfully so – he's one of the most talented and popular players of the modern era. But it's not like the guy is perfect. So today, let's head back to 1991 as we remind ourselves that even the greats occasionally do things they'll regret.

(A huge thanks to reader Niklas for sending in the clip. Remember, if you have a clip you think I need to be aware or, email me.)

So it's 1991 and Team Finland is preparing for the World Hockey Championships. They're the host country for this year's tournament, and are seeking what would be the country's first ever medal at the event. The team features plenty of talent, including a certain winger who's about to head to the NHL, and they're feeling confident. But how best to show that to the world?

Yes, by now regular readers know the answer: With a terrible song. Here we go.

As best I can tell, the three wacky characters at the start of the clip are from Kummeli, a Finnish comedy crew. I'd make some sort of crack about the humor being lost in translation, but my country is responsible for The Love Guru, so I can't throw stones.

Last chance to hit mute if you don't want a Finnish hockey song stuck in your head for the next week. You've been warned.

We see some mysterious hands working a sound mixer, and the music begins. We're quickly introduced to our singers: five guys in Team Finland jerseys and a guy I'll just refer to as "Way Too Enthusiastic Dude." The hockey players include national team members Esa Keskinen, Pasi Huura and Sakari Lindfors, plus our old pal form the obscure player section, Hannu Virta.

The final player looks vaguely familiar, in the sense that it's Teemu Selanne and he looks exactly the same as he did at Monday night's induction ceremony. Seriously, he and Paul Kariya were best friends, teammates in Anaheim, followed each other to Colorado when they were free agents, went into the Hall of Fame on the same night and also neither one of them has aged a day since the early 90s. If everyone else wants to just pretend this is OK then I'm fine with that, but don't act surprised when this all turns out to be the plot of some weird Stephen King novel.

As per terrible hockey music video bylaws, shots of our singers are interspersed with clips from one and only one game. In this case, it's a matchup with Finland's top rival, Team Sweden. It's a real mixed bag, featuring genuinely cool highlights of a Swedish player being checked into the bench and a nice Finnish goal, as well as shots of guys winning faceoffs or just falling down. Look, it was 1991—if you wanted highlights of Team Finland in international tournaments, you took what you could get.

We also meet the star of the video: Whoever did the "ICE HOCKEY" text animations. I think that guy burned through all 16 fonts we had back in 1991.

My very favorite moment in the video comes about a minute in, when you can pinpoint the exact moment Selanne realizes this is a bad idea:

Here's my best attempt at transcribing the lyrics:

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

D'oh! That's hockey.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

And teriyaki.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

Gopher hockey.

Senior homes taste yucky.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's bang on, no need to google this any further.

I've got to be honest, they reeled me in a little with the dramatic bridge. They even feature a clip of Finland scoring a goal, which would be inspiring it they hadn't already used that same goal a minute earlier. Had…had Finland only ever scored one goal against Sweden? I think they may have.

Don't go getting cocky, Team Sweden, this isn't any worse than your song from 1989.

We close out with a few more closeups of our smiling singers and their, let's just say it, absolutely impeccable Finnish hockey hair. We also see a few more shots of those hands working the sound board, but never find out who they belong to. I was so sure the camera was going to pan up at the end and reveal that it was Neil Sheehy all along. Or, as he'd be known in Finland, Neeiil Sheeeehy.

We get one more Kummeli appearance, and we're all done. Finland would go on to fail to medal at the 1991 tournament. But they'd get their first medal the next year, and win gold in 1995, so this song may well have been the turning point.

As for Selanne, he stayed in Finland for one more year and then signed his first NHL contract with…Calgary? Yeah, it was a weird time. He wound up with Winnipeg, and soon he was scoring 76 goals as a rookie to kick off a career that spanned two decades. Now he's in the Hall of Fame. And he still isn't getting any older.

(That's probably a good thing, actually. I'm told that senior homes taste yucky.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com or find him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Torey Krug and David Pastrnak – The spin is nice, but don't sleep on the synchronized stopping.

Hey, speaking of Bruins pairing off in interesting ways…

The second star: Brad Marchand and Leo Komarov – Look, the heart wants what it wants.

(Here's Komarov's response.)

The first star: Tomas Tatar – The clip is from a few months ago, but Tatar only posted it publicly this week. It's of his first time on the ice at the Red Wings new arena. Literally. He takes on step, and he's on the ice.

Yep, it's the old "forget to take off my skate guards" mistake. We've all been there, Tomas. Good to know if happens to the pros too.

The NHL Actually Got Something Right...Maybe...Depending on Your Perspective

One of the biggest stories of the week was a line brawl that broke out late in a game between the Flames and Red Wings on Wednesday night. The situation began with a fight between Luke Witkowski and Brett Kulak, and it escalated when Calgary pest Matthew Tkachuk tapped Witkowski on the leg on his way to the locker room, causing the Red Wing to return to the ice. That helped lead to another fight that spilled into the tunnel thanks to an open bench door, plus several other scrums and some players getting involved from the benches. At one point it looked like it might include a goalie fight.

Witkowski will probably get ten games for coming back after leaving the playing surface, Tkachuk somehow got a spearing major for that tap, and we can expect plenty of fines and maybe even an additional suspension or two. You can watch the whole thing here.

The brawl has been variously described as "chaotic," "crazy," "out of control," and "an old-fashioned dust-up." References to old-time hockey were plentiful.

So since everyone's talking about the Flames and Red Wings, let's take this as an opportunity for a reminder: Holy crap, has the NHL ever come a long way when it comes to getting fights and brawls out of the game.

I mean, the Wings and Flames thing was bad, there's no doubt, especially when it briefly spilled into the tunnel. Somebody could have got hurt there, and it's fortunate that the officials were able to get things under control before things erupted even further.

But the fact this is headline news in the hockey world right now just shows how much the game has changed. It's easy to forget now—or not to even know, if you're a relatively new fan—but stuff like this used to happen all the time. A line brawl or two used to be standard issue for a night's worth of NHL action. And it wasn't rare to see things get far more out of control.

An old-fashioned dust-up? I'm not so sure it was. I mean, this is what a brawl looked like in the 1960s, featuring a player attacking a linesman and fans throwing punches from the stands.

Here's one from the 1980s, which spans an intermission and includes a career-ending sucker punch.

Heck, here's Dave Manson taking the same 10-game suspension Witkowski will probably get. It's from a brawl that's best remembered for two of the players not fighting. We thought this was funny back then, even though it features a dangerous cheap shot, a linesman getting crushed from behind, two players pummeling one defenseless opponent at the same time, and only stops short of becoming a full bench-clearer because John Kordic of all people pulls Wendel Clark back to the bench.

And of course, I don't have to remind Red Wings fans about this:

Look, I don't want to go all cane-waving grandpa on you kids, but there's a very good chance that if this week's Flames/Wings brawl had happened in, like, 1991, it wouldn't even have made the highlights. You'd have watched your nightly sportscast without ever hearing about it, until it got mentioned in passing when the Wings came to town and they had to explain why Witkowski wasn't playing.

And yes, I realize that your view of whether all of this a good thing or not will vary based on your perspective. Some of you will see this as a clear sign of progress, of a league getting the silly and often dangerous sideshows out of the sport and letting the actual game take center stage for a change. Others will mumble about how the league was better back when this stuff happened from time to time, even though you're well aware that you're not supposed to say that out loud these days.

And maybe others are like me, stuck in the middle between being glad that we've got a far safer and saner league today while also vaguely missing a time when we could enjoy the sideshow stuff without realizing how dangerous it could be.

But whichever group you fall into, it's worthwhile to take a moment every now and then to understand and/or appreciate how much the game has changed, because we've come a million miles on this stuff. The Wings and Flames gave us that chance this week.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

This week's obscure player is Hannu Virta, for reasons we'll get to in a bit.

Virta was a Finnish defenseman who was drafted by the Sabres in the second round of the 1981 draft after coach and GM Scotty Bowman had snuck over to see him play overseas. He was viewed as a bit of a steal at the time, although that was before we realized that the blue-liner the Canadiens grabbed two picks later would turn out to be slightly better. Virta came over to North America and debuted for Buffalo later that season, playing three games before settling into regular NHL duty in 1982-83. That first full season was his best, as he scored 13 goals and had 37 points as a rookie. He'd play three more seasons in Buffalo before heading back home to Finland at the age of 23 to complete his military service. He stayed, and quickly became a star in the Finnish Elite League. He'd earn top defenseman honors four times, and also became a regular on the national team. After retiring, he became a head coach in the league.

But despite all of that, the unquestioned highlight of Virta's hockey career came in 1991. And we'll get to it in the Classic YouTube section. Here's a hint: It involves ice hockey.

New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary

Goal DNA – A neat historical project that I'm guessing readers of this column might appreciate, especially as the league's celebration of its own history kicks into overdrive this weekend. Goal DNA is the work of Twitter's @suicidepass, based on a similar idea used in baseball by Jesse Spector, and has been unfolding over the last month or so.

It works like this: Take any player from any point in league history, and figure out who he scored his very first NHL goal against. Then you take that goaltender, and figure out who he gave up his first goal to. Then you keep going, alternating back and forth between goalies and players, and see how far back into history you can reach.

Sometimes, it's not all that far—if a player and goalie had their first goal against each other, for example, then that kills the thread. And sometimes you can run into problems with the historical record, which isn't always clear about who was in net for a specific goal.

But sometimes you get something really cool. For example, here's Erik Karlsson, who's Goal DNA stretches all the way back to the first game played by the original Ottawa Senators 100 years ago.

Or here's Auston Matthews, whose chain links to Maple Leaf legends Terry Sawchuk and Syl Apps, by way of Hall-of-Fame forwards Paul Kariya, Mike Bossy and Marcel Dionne.

Here's the Sedin twins, who sadly don't turn out to have identical Goal DNA but do converge in the 1960s thanks to Cesare Maniago. (For reasons that aren't completely clear, Cesare Maniago shows up in a lot of these.)

So far, efforts to find a Goal DNA that traces all the way back to the NHL's very first goal—scored by Montreal's Dave Ritchie against Sammy Hebert one minute into the first ever game—have come up empty, but it's out there somewhere. You can follow the fun on Twitter with the #GoalDNA hashtag.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Teemu Selanne was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame on Monday, and everyone has spent the week saying nice things about him. And rightfully so – he's one of the most talented and popular players of the modern era. But it's not like the guy is perfect. So today, let's head back to 1991 as we remind ourselves that even the greats occasionally do things they'll regret.

(A huge thanks to reader Niklas for sending in the clip. Remember, if you have a clip you think I need to be aware or, email me.)

So it's 1991 and Team Finland is preparing for the World Hockey Championships. They're the host country for this year's tournament, and are seeking what would be the country's first ever medal at the event. The team features plenty of talent, including a certain winger who's about to head to the NHL, and they're feeling confident. But how best to show that to the world?

Yes, by now regular readers know the answer: With a terrible song. Here we go.

As best I can tell, the three wacky characters at the start of the clip are from Kummeli, a Finnish comedy crew. I'd make some sort of crack about the humor being lost in translation, but my country is responsible for The Love Guru, so I can't throw stones.

Last chance to hit mute if you don't want a Finnish hockey song stuck in your head for the next week. You've been warned.

We see some mysterious hands working a sound mixer, and the music begins. We're quickly introduced to our singers: five guys in Team Finland jerseys and a guy I'll just refer to as "Way Too Enthusiastic Dude." The hockey players include national team members Esa Keskinen, Pasi Huura and Sakari Lindfors, plus our old pal form the obscure player section, Hannu Virta.

The final player looks vaguely familiar, in the sense that it's Teemu Selanne and he looks exactly the same as he did at Monday night's induction ceremony. Seriously, he and Paul Kariya were best friends, teammates in Anaheim, followed each other to Colorado when they were free agents, went into the Hall of Fame on the same night and also neither one of them has aged a day since the early 90s. If everyone else wants to just pretend this is OK then I'm fine with that, but don't act surprised when this all turns out to be the plot of some weird Stephen King novel.

As per terrible hockey music video bylaws, shots of our singers are interspersed with clips from one and only one game. In this case, it's a matchup with Finland's top rival, Team Sweden. It's a real mixed bag, featuring genuinely cool highlights of a Swedish player being checked into the bench and a nice Finnish goal, as well as shots of guys winning faceoffs or just falling down. Look, it was 1991—if you wanted highlights of Team Finland in international tournaments, you took what you could get.

We also meet the star of the video: Whoever did the "ICE HOCKEY" text animations. I think that guy burned through all 16 fonts we had back in 1991.

My very favorite moment in the video comes about a minute in, when you can pinpoint the exact moment Selanne realizes this is a bad idea:

Here's my best attempt at transcribing the lyrics:

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

D'oh! That's hockey.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

And teriyaki.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

Gopher hockey.

Senior homes taste yucky.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's bang on, no need to google this any further.

I've got to be honest, they reeled me in a little with the dramatic bridge. They even feature a clip of Finland scoring a goal, which would be inspiring it they hadn't already used that same goal a minute earlier. Had…had Finland only ever scored one goal against Sweden? I think they may have.

Don't go getting cocky, Team Sweden, this isn't any worse than your song from 1989.

We close out with a few more closeups of our smiling singers and their, let's just say it, absolutely impeccable Finnish hockey hair. We also see a few more shots of those hands working the sound board, but never find out who they belong to. I was so sure the camera was going to pan up at the end and reveal that it was Neil Sheehy all along. Or, as he'd be known in Finland, Neeiil Sheeeehy.

We get one more Kummeli appearance, and we're all done. Finland would go on to fail to medal at the 1991 tournament. But they'd get their first medal the next year, and win gold in 1995, so this song may well have been the turning point.

As for Selanne, he stayed in Finland for one more year and then signed his first NHL contract with…Calgary? Yeah, it was a weird time. He wound up with Winnipeg, and soon he was scoring 76 goals as a rookie to kick off a career that spanned two decades. Now he's in the Hall of Fame. And he still isn't getting any older.

(That's probably a good thing, actually. I'm told that senior homes taste yucky.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com or find him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Torey Krug and David Pastrnak – The spin is nice, but don't sleep on the synchronized stopping.

Hey, speaking of Bruins pairing off in interesting ways…

The second star: Brad Marchand and Leo Komarov – Look, the heart wants what it wants.

(Here's Komarov's response.)

The first star: Tomas Tatar – The clip is from a few months ago, but Tatar only posted it publicly this week. It's of his first time on the ice at the Red Wings new arena. Literally. He takes on step, and he's on the ice.

Yep, it's the old "forget to take off my skate guards" mistake. We've all been there, Tomas. Good to know if happens to the pros too.

The NHL Actually Got Something Right...Maybe...Depending on Your Perspective

One of the biggest stories of the week was a line brawl that broke out late in a game between the Flames and Red Wings on Wednesday night. The situation began with a fight between Luke Witkowski and Brett Kulak, and it escalated when Calgary pest Matthew Tkachuk tapped Witkowski on the leg on his way to the locker room, causing the Red Wing to return to the ice. That helped lead to another fight that spilled into the tunnel thanks to an open bench door, plus several other scrums and some players getting involved from the benches. At one point it looked like it might include a goalie fight.

Witkowski will probably get ten games for coming back after leaving the playing surface, Tkachuk somehow got a spearing major for that tap, and we can expect plenty of fines and maybe even an additional suspension or two. You can watch the whole thing here.

The brawl has been variously described as "chaotic," "crazy," "out of control," and "an old-fashioned dust-up." References to old-time hockey were plentiful.

So since everyone's talking about the Flames and Red Wings, let's take this as an opportunity for a reminder: Holy crap, has the NHL ever come a long way when it comes to getting fights and brawls out of the game.

I mean, the Wings and Flames thing was bad, there's no doubt, especially when it briefly spilled into the tunnel. Somebody could have got hurt there, and it's fortunate that the officials were able to get things under control before things erupted even further.

But the fact this is headline news in the hockey world right now just shows how much the game has changed. It's easy to forget now—or not to even know, if you're a relatively new fan—but stuff like this used to happen all the time. A line brawl or two used to be standard issue for a night's worth of NHL action. And it wasn't rare to see things get far more out of control.

An old-fashioned dust-up? I'm not so sure it was. I mean, this is what a brawl looked like in the 1960s, featuring a player attacking a linesman and fans throwing punches from the stands.

Here's one from the 1980s, which spans an intermission and includes a career-ending sucker punch.

Heck, here's Dave Manson taking the same 10-game suspension Witkowski will probably get. It's from a brawl that's best remembered for two of the players not fighting. We thought this was funny back then, even though it features a dangerous cheap shot, a linesman getting crushed from behind, two players pummeling one defenseless opponent at the same time, and only stops short of becoming a full bench-clearer because John Kordic of all people pulls Wendel Clark back to the bench.

And of course, I don't have to remind Red Wings fans about this:

Look, I don't want to go all cane-waving grandpa on you kids, but there's a very good chance that if this week's Flames/Wings brawl had happened in, like, 1991, it wouldn't even have made the highlights. You'd have watched your nightly sportscast without ever hearing about it, until it got mentioned in passing when the Wings came to town and they had to explain why Witkowski wasn't playing.

And yes, I realize that your view of whether all of this a good thing or not will vary based on your perspective. Some of you will see this as a clear sign of progress, of a league getting the silly and often dangerous sideshows out of the sport and letting the actual game take center stage for a change. Others will mumble about how the league was better back when this stuff happened from time to time, even though you're well aware that you're not supposed to say that out loud these days.

And maybe others are like me, stuck in the middle between being glad that we've got a far safer and saner league today while also vaguely missing a time when we could enjoy the sideshow stuff without realizing how dangerous it could be.

But whichever group you fall into, it's worthwhile to take a moment every now and then to understand and/or appreciate how much the game has changed, because we've come a million miles on this stuff. The Wings and Flames gave us that chance this week.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

This week's obscure player is Hannu Virta, for reasons we'll get to in a bit.

Virta was a Finnish defenseman who was drafted by the Sabres in the second round of the 1981 draft after coach and GM Scotty Bowman had snuck over to see him play overseas. He was viewed as a bit of a steal at the time, although that was before we realized that the blue-liner the Canadiens grabbed two picks later would turn out to be slightly better. Virta came over to North America and debuted for Buffalo later that season, playing three games before settling into regular NHL duty in 1982-83. That first full season was his best, as he scored 13 goals and had 37 points as a rookie. He'd play three more seasons in Buffalo before heading back home to Finland at the age of 23 to complete his military service. He stayed, and quickly became a star in the Finnish Elite League. He'd earn top defenseman honors four times, and also became a regular on the national team. After retiring, he became a head coach in the league.

But despite all of that, the unquestioned highlight of Virta's hockey career came in 1991. And we'll get to it in the Classic YouTube section. Here's a hint: It involves ice hockey.

New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary

Goal DNA – A neat historical project that I'm guessing readers of this column might appreciate, especially as the league's celebration of its own history kicks into overdrive this weekend. Goal DNA is the work of Twitter's @suicidepass, based on a similar idea used in baseball by Jesse Spector, and has been unfolding over the last month or so.

It works like this: Take any player from any point in league history, and figure out who he scored his very first NHL goal against. Then you take that goaltender, and figure out who he gave up his first goal to. Then you keep going, alternating back and forth between goalies and players, and see how far back into history you can reach.

Sometimes, it's not all that far—if a player and goalie had their first goal against each other, for example, then that kills the thread. And sometimes you can run into problems with the historical record, which isn't always clear about who was in net for a specific goal.

But sometimes you get something really cool. For example, here's Erik Karlsson, who's Goal DNA stretches all the way back to the first game played by the original Ottawa Senators 100 years ago.

Or here's Auston Matthews, whose chain links to Maple Leaf legends Terry Sawchuk and Syl Apps, by way of Hall-of-Fame forwards Paul Kariya, Mike Bossy and Marcel Dionne.

Here's the Sedin twins, who sadly don't turn out to have identical Goal DNA but do converge in the 1960s thanks to Cesare Maniago. (For reasons that aren't completely clear, Cesare Maniago shows up in a lot of these.)

So far, efforts to find a Goal DNA that traces all the way back to the NHL's very first goal—scored by Montreal's Dave Ritchie against Sammy Hebert one minute into the first ever game—have come up empty, but it's out there somewhere. You can follow the fun on Twitter with the #GoalDNA hashtag.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Teemu Selanne was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame on Monday, and everyone has spent the week saying nice things about him. And rightfully so – he's one of the most talented and popular players of the modern era. But it's not like the guy is perfect. So today, let's head back to 1991 as we remind ourselves that even the greats occasionally do things they'll regret.

(A huge thanks to reader Niklas for sending in the clip. Remember, if you have a clip you think I need to be aware or, email me.)

So it's 1991 and Team Finland is preparing for the World Hockey Championships. They're the host country for this year's tournament, and are seeking what would be the country's first ever medal at the event. The team features plenty of talent, including a certain winger who's about to head to the NHL, and they're feeling confident. But how best to show that to the world?

Yes, by now regular readers know the answer: With a terrible song. Here we go.

As best I can tell, the three wacky characters at the start of the clip are from Kummeli, a Finnish comedy crew. I'd make some sort of crack about the humor being lost in translation, but my country is responsible for The Love Guru, so I can't throw stones.

Last chance to hit mute if you don't want a Finnish hockey song stuck in your head for the next week. You've been warned.

We see some mysterious hands working a sound mixer, and the music begins. We're quickly introduced to our singers: five guys in Team Finland jerseys and a guy I'll just refer to as "Way Too Enthusiastic Dude." The hockey players include national team members Esa Keskinen, Pasi Huura and Sakari Lindfors, plus our old pal form the obscure player section, Hannu Virta.

The final player looks vaguely familiar, in the sense that it's Teemu Selanne and he looks exactly the same as he did at Monday night's induction ceremony. Seriously, he and Paul Kariya were best friends, teammates in Anaheim, followed each other to Colorado when they were free agents, went into the Hall of Fame on the same night and also neither one of them has aged a day since the early 90s. If everyone else wants to just pretend this is OK then I'm fine with that, but don't act surprised when this all turns out to be the plot of some weird Stephen King novel.

As per terrible hockey music video bylaws, shots of our singers are interspersed with clips from one and only one game. In this case, it's a matchup with Finland's top rival, Team Sweden. It's a real mixed bag, featuring genuinely cool highlights of a Swedish player being checked into the bench and a nice Finnish goal, as well as shots of guys winning faceoffs or just falling down. Look, it was 1991—if you wanted highlights of Team Finland in international tournaments, you took what you could get.

We also meet the star of the video: Whoever did the "ICE HOCKEY" text animations. I think that guy burned through all 16 fonts we had back in 1991.

My very favorite moment in the video comes about a minute in, when you can pinpoint the exact moment Selanne realizes this is a bad idea:

Here's my best attempt at transcribing the lyrics:

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

D'oh! That's hockey.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

And teriyaki.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

Gopher hockey.

Senior homes taste yucky.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's bang on, no need to google this any further.

I've got to be honest, they reeled me in a little with the dramatic bridge. They even feature a clip of Finland scoring a goal, which would be inspiring it they hadn't already used that same goal a minute earlier. Had…had Finland only ever scored one goal against Sweden? I think they may have.

Don't go getting cocky, Team Sweden, this isn't any worse than your song from 1989.

We close out with a few more closeups of our smiling singers and their, let's just say it, absolutely impeccable Finnish hockey hair. We also see a few more shots of those hands working the sound board, but never find out who they belong to. I was so sure the camera was going to pan up at the end and reveal that it was Neil Sheehy all along. Or, as he'd be known in Finland, Neeiil Sheeeehy.

We get one more Kummeli appearance, and we're all done. Finland would go on to fail to medal at the 1991 tournament. But they'd get their first medal the next year, and win gold in 1995, so this song may well have been the turning point.

As for Selanne, he stayed in Finland for one more year and then signed his first NHL contract with…Calgary? Yeah, it was a weird time. He wound up with Winnipeg, and soon he was scoring 76 goals as a rookie to kick off a career that spanned two decades. Now he's in the Hall of Fame. And he still isn't getting any older.

(That's probably a good thing, actually. I'm told that senior homes taste yucky.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com or find him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Torey Krug and David Pastrnak – The spin is nice, but don't sleep on the synchronized stopping.

Hey, speaking of Bruins pairing off in interesting ways…

The second star: Brad Marchand and Leo Komarov – Look, the heart wants what it wants.

(Here's Komarov's response.)

The first star: Tomas Tatar – The clip is from a few months ago, but Tatar only posted it publicly this week. It's of his first time on the ice at the Red Wings new arena. Literally. He takes on step, and he's on the ice.

Yep, it's the old "forget to take off my skate guards" mistake. We've all been there, Tomas. Good to know if happens to the pros too.

The NHL Actually Got Something Right...Maybe...Depending on Your Perspective

One of the biggest stories of the week was a line brawl that broke out late in a game between the Flames and Red Wings on Wednesday night. The situation began with a fight between Luke Witkowski and Brett Kulak, and it escalated when Calgary pest Matthew Tkachuk tapped Witkowski on the leg on his way to the locker room, causing the Red Wing to return to the ice. That helped lead to another fight that spilled into the tunnel thanks to an open bench door, plus several other scrums and some players getting involved from the benches. At one point it looked like it might include a goalie fight.

Witkowski will probably get ten games for coming back after leaving the playing surface, Tkachuk somehow got a spearing major for that tap, and we can expect plenty of fines and maybe even an additional suspension or two. You can watch the whole thing here.

The brawl has been variously described as "chaotic," "crazy," "out of control," and "an old-fashioned dust-up." References to old-time hockey were plentiful.

So since everyone's talking about the Flames and Red Wings, let's take this as an opportunity for a reminder: Holy crap, has the NHL ever come a long way when it comes to getting fights and brawls out of the game.

I mean, the Wings and Flames thing was bad, there's no doubt, especially when it briefly spilled into the tunnel. Somebody could have got hurt there, and it's fortunate that the officials were able to get things under control before things erupted even further.

But the fact this is headline news in the hockey world right now just shows how much the game has changed. It's easy to forget now—or not to even know, if you're a relatively new fan—but stuff like this used to happen all the time. A line brawl or two used to be standard issue for a night's worth of NHL action. And it wasn't rare to see things get far more out of control.

An old-fashioned dust-up? I'm not so sure it was. I mean, this is what a brawl looked like in the 1960s, featuring a player attacking a linesman and fans throwing punches from the stands.

Here's one from the 1980s, which spans an intermission and includes a career-ending sucker punch.

Heck, here's Dave Manson taking the same 10-game suspension Witkowski will probably get. It's from a brawl that's best remembered for two of the players not fighting. We thought this was funny back then, even though it features a dangerous cheap shot, a linesman getting crushed from behind, two players pummeling one defenseless opponent at the same time, and only stops short of becoming a full bench-clearer because John Kordic of all people pulls Wendel Clark back to the bench.

And of course, I don't have to remind Red Wings fans about this:

Look, I don't want to go all cane-waving grandpa on you kids, but there's a very good chance that if this week's Flames/Wings brawl had happened in, like, 1991, it wouldn't even have made the highlights. You'd have watched your nightly sportscast without ever hearing about it, until it got mentioned in passing when the Wings came to town and they had to explain why Witkowski wasn't playing.

And yes, I realize that your view of whether all of this a good thing or not will vary based on your perspective. Some of you will see this as a clear sign of progress, of a league getting the silly and often dangerous sideshows out of the sport and letting the actual game take center stage for a change. Others will mumble about how the league was better back when this stuff happened from time to time, even though you're well aware that you're not supposed to say that out loud these days.

And maybe others are like me, stuck in the middle between being glad that we've got a far safer and saner league today while also vaguely missing a time when we could enjoy the sideshow stuff without realizing how dangerous it could be.

But whichever group you fall into, it's worthwhile to take a moment every now and then to understand and/or appreciate how much the game has changed, because we've come a million miles on this stuff. The Wings and Flames gave us that chance this week.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

This week's obscure player is Hannu Virta, for reasons we'll get to in a bit.

Virta was a Finnish defenseman who was drafted by the Sabres in the second round of the 1981 draft after coach and GM Scotty Bowman had snuck over to see him play overseas. He was viewed as a bit of a steal at the time, although that was before we realized that the blue-liner the Canadiens grabbed two picks later would turn out to be slightly better. Virta came over to North America and debuted for Buffalo later that season, playing three games before settling into regular NHL duty in 1982-83. That first full season was his best, as he scored 13 goals and had 37 points as a rookie. He'd play three more seasons in Buffalo before heading back home to Finland at the age of 23 to complete his military service. He stayed, and quickly became a star in the Finnish Elite League. He'd earn top defenseman honors four times, and also became a regular on the national team. After retiring, he became a head coach in the league.

But despite all of that, the unquestioned highlight of Virta's hockey career came in 1991. And we'll get to it in the Classic YouTube section. Here's a hint: It involves ice hockey.

New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary

Goal DNA – A neat historical project that I'm guessing readers of this column might appreciate, especially as the league's celebration of its own history kicks into overdrive this weekend. Goal DNA is the work of Twitter's @suicidepass, based on a similar idea used in baseball by Jesse Spector, and has been unfolding over the last month or so.

It works like this: Take any player from any point in league history, and figure out who he scored his very first NHL goal against. Then you take that goaltender, and figure out who he gave up his first goal to. Then you keep going, alternating back and forth between goalies and players, and see how far back into history you can reach.

Sometimes, it's not all that far—if a player and goalie had their first goal against each other, for example, then that kills the thread. And sometimes you can run into problems with the historical record, which isn't always clear about who was in net for a specific goal.

But sometimes you get something really cool. For example, here's Erik Karlsson, who's Goal DNA stretches all the way back to the first game played by the original Ottawa Senators 100 years ago.

Or here's Auston Matthews, whose chain links to Maple Leaf legends Terry Sawchuk and Syl Apps, by way of Hall-of-Fame forwards Paul Kariya, Mike Bossy and Marcel Dionne.

Here's the Sedin twins, who sadly don't turn out to have identical Goal DNA but do converge in the 1960s thanks to Cesare Maniago. (For reasons that aren't completely clear, Cesare Maniago shows up in a lot of these.)

So far, efforts to find a Goal DNA that traces all the way back to the NHL's very first goal—scored by Montreal's Dave Ritchie against Sammy Hebert one minute into the first ever game—have come up empty, but it's out there somewhere. You can follow the fun on Twitter with the #GoalDNA hashtag.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Teemu Selanne was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame on Monday, and everyone has spent the week saying nice things about him. And rightfully so – he's one of the most talented and popular players of the modern era. But it's not like the guy is perfect. So today, let's head back to 1991 as we remind ourselves that even the greats occasionally do things they'll regret.

(A huge thanks to reader Niklas for sending in the clip. Remember, if you have a clip you think I need to be aware or, email me.)

So it's 1991 and Team Finland is preparing for the World Hockey Championships. They're the host country for this year's tournament, and are seeking what would be the country's first ever medal at the event. The team features plenty of talent, including a certain winger who's about to head to the NHL, and they're feeling confident. But how best to show that to the world?

Yes, by now regular readers know the answer: With a terrible song. Here we go.

As best I can tell, the three wacky characters at the start of the clip are from Kummeli, a Finnish comedy crew. I'd make some sort of crack about the humor being lost in translation, but my country is responsible for The Love Guru, so I can't throw stones.

Last chance to hit mute if you don't want a Finnish hockey song stuck in your head for the next week. You've been warned.

We see some mysterious hands working a sound mixer, and the music begins. We're quickly introduced to our singers: five guys in Team Finland jerseys and a guy I'll just refer to as "Way Too Enthusiastic Dude." The hockey players include national team members Esa Keskinen, Pasi Huura and Sakari Lindfors, plus our old pal form the obscure player section, Hannu Virta.

The final player looks vaguely familiar, in the sense that it's Teemu Selanne and he looks exactly the same as he did at Monday night's induction ceremony. Seriously, he and Paul Kariya were best friends, teammates in Anaheim, followed each other to Colorado when they were free agents, went into the Hall of Fame on the same night and also neither one of them has aged a day since the early 90s. If everyone else wants to just pretend this is OK then I'm fine with that, but don't act surprised when this all turns out to be the plot of some weird Stephen King novel.

As per terrible hockey music video bylaws, shots of our singers are interspersed with clips from one and only one game. In this case, it's a matchup with Finland's top rival, Team Sweden. It's a real mixed bag, featuring genuinely cool highlights of a Swedish player being checked into the bench and a nice Finnish goal, as well as shots of guys winning faceoffs or just falling down. Look, it was 1991—if you wanted highlights of Team Finland in international tournaments, you took what you could get.

We also meet the star of the video: Whoever did the "ICE HOCKEY" text animations. I think that guy burned through all 16 fonts we had back in 1991.

My very favorite moment in the video comes about a minute in, when you can pinpoint the exact moment Selanne realizes this is a bad idea:

Here's my best attempt at transcribing the lyrics:

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

D'oh! That's hockey.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

And teriyaki.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

Gopher hockey.

Senior homes taste yucky.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's bang on, no need to google this any further.

I've got to be honest, they reeled me in a little with the dramatic bridge. They even feature a clip of Finland scoring a goal, which would be inspiring it they hadn't already used that same goal a minute earlier. Had…had Finland only ever scored one goal against Sweden? I think they may have.

Don't go getting cocky, Team Sweden, this isn't any worse than your song from 1989.

We close out with a few more closeups of our smiling singers and their, let's just say it, absolutely impeccable Finnish hockey hair. We also see a few more shots of those hands working the sound board, but never find out who they belong to. I was so sure the camera was going to pan up at the end and reveal that it was Neil Sheehy all along. Or, as he'd be known in Finland, Neeiil Sheeeehy.

We get one more Kummeli appearance, and we're all done. Finland would go on to fail to medal at the 1991 tournament. But they'd get their first medal the next year, and win gold in 1995, so this song may well have been the turning point.

As for Selanne, he stayed in Finland for one more year and then signed his first NHL contract with…Calgary? Yeah, it was a weird time. He wound up with Winnipeg, and soon he was scoring 76 goals as a rookie to kick off a career that spanned two decades. Now he's in the Hall of Fame. And he still isn't getting any older.

(That's probably a good thing, actually. I'm told that senior homes taste yucky.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com or find him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Torey Krug and David Pastrnak – The spin is nice, but don't sleep on the synchronized stopping.

Hey, speaking of Bruins pairing off in interesting ways…

The second star: Brad Marchand and Leo Komarov – Look, the heart wants what it wants.

(Here's Komarov's response.)

The first star: Tomas Tatar – The clip is from a few months ago, but Tatar only posted it publicly this week. It's of his first time on the ice at the Red Wings new arena. Literally. He takes on step, and he's on the ice.

Yep, it's the old "forget to take off my skate guards" mistake. We've all been there, Tomas. Good to know if happens to the pros too.

The NHL Actually Got Something Right...Maybe...Depending on Your Perspective

One of the biggest stories of the week was a line brawl that broke out late in a game between the Flames and Red Wings on Wednesday night. The situation began with a fight between Luke Witkowski and Brett Kulak, and it escalated when Calgary pest Matthew Tkachuk tapped Witkowski on the leg on his way to the locker room, causing the Red Wing to return to the ice. That helped lead to another fight that spilled into the tunnel thanks to an open bench door, plus several other scrums and some players getting involved from the benches. At one point it looked like it might include a goalie fight.

Witkowski will probably get ten games for coming back after leaving the playing surface, Tkachuk somehow got a spearing major for that tap, and we can expect plenty of fines and maybe even an additional suspension or two. You can watch the whole thing here.

The brawl has been variously described as "chaotic," "crazy," "out of control," and "an old-fashioned dust-up." References to old-time hockey were plentiful.

So since everyone's talking about the Flames and Red Wings, let's take this as an opportunity for a reminder: Holy crap, has the NHL ever come a long way when it comes to getting fights and brawls out of the game.

I mean, the Wings and Flames thing was bad, there's no doubt, especially when it briefly spilled into the tunnel. Somebody could have got hurt there, and it's fortunate that the officials were able to get things under control before things erupted even further.

But the fact this is headline news in the hockey world right now just shows how much the game has changed. It's easy to forget now—or not to even know, if you're a relatively new fan—but stuff like this used to happen all the time. A line brawl or two used to be standard issue for a night's worth of NHL action. And it wasn't rare to see things get far more out of control.

An old-fashioned dust-up? I'm not so sure it was. I mean, this is what a brawl looked like in the 1960s, featuring a player attacking a linesman and fans throwing punches from the stands.

Here's one from the 1980s, which spans an intermission and includes a career-ending sucker punch.

Heck, here's Dave Manson taking the same 10-game suspension Witkowski will probably get. It's from a brawl that's best remembered for two of the players not fighting. We thought this was funny back then, even though it features a dangerous cheap shot, a linesman getting crushed from behind, two players pummeling one defenseless opponent at the same time, and only stops short of becoming a full bench-clearer because John Kordic of all people pulls Wendel Clark back to the bench.

And of course, I don't have to remind Red Wings fans about this:

Look, I don't want to go all cane-waving grandpa on you kids, but there's a very good chance that if this week's Flames/Wings brawl had happened in, like, 1991, it wouldn't even have made the highlights. You'd have watched your nightly sportscast without ever hearing about it, until it got mentioned in passing when the Wings came to town and they had to explain why Witkowski wasn't playing.

And yes, I realize that your view of whether all of this a good thing or not will vary based on your perspective. Some of you will see this as a clear sign of progress, of a league getting the silly and often dangerous sideshows out of the sport and letting the actual game take center stage for a change. Others will mumble about how the league was better back when this stuff happened from time to time, even though you're well aware that you're not supposed to say that out loud these days.

And maybe others are like me, stuck in the middle between being glad that we've got a far safer and saner league today while also vaguely missing a time when we could enjoy the sideshow stuff without realizing how dangerous it could be.

But whichever group you fall into, it's worthwhile to take a moment every now and then to understand and/or appreciate how much the game has changed, because we've come a million miles on this stuff. The Wings and Flames gave us that chance this week.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

This week's obscure player is Hannu Virta, for reasons we'll get to in a bit.

Virta was a Finnish defenseman who was drafted by the Sabres in the second round of the 1981 draft after coach and GM Scotty Bowman had snuck over to see him play overseas. He was viewed as a bit of a steal at the time, although that was before we realized that the blue-liner the Canadiens grabbed two picks later would turn out to be slightly better. Virta came over to North America and debuted for Buffalo later that season, playing three games before settling into regular NHL duty in 1982-83. That first full season was his best, as he scored 13 goals and had 37 points as a rookie. He'd play three more seasons in Buffalo before heading back home to Finland at the age of 23 to complete his military service. He stayed, and quickly became a star in the Finnish Elite League. He'd earn top defenseman honors four times, and also became a regular on the national team. After retiring, he became a head coach in the league.

But despite all of that, the unquestioned highlight of Virta's hockey career came in 1991. And we'll get to it in the Classic YouTube section. Here's a hint: It involves ice hockey.

New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary

Goal DNA – A neat historical project that I'm guessing readers of this column might appreciate, especially as the league's celebration of its own history kicks into overdrive this weekend. Goal DNA is the work of Twitter's @suicidepass, based on a similar idea used in baseball by Jesse Spector, and has been unfolding over the last month or so.

It works like this: Take any player from any point in league history, and figure out who he scored his very first NHL goal against. Then you take that goaltender, and figure out who he gave up his first goal to. Then you keep going, alternating back and forth between goalies and players, and see how far back into history you can reach.

Sometimes, it's not all that far—if a player and goalie had their first goal against each other, for example, then that kills the thread. And sometimes you can run into problems with the historical record, which isn't always clear about who was in net for a specific goal.

But sometimes you get something really cool. For example, here's Erik Karlsson, who's Goal DNA stretches all the way back to the first game played by the original Ottawa Senators 100 years ago.

Or here's Auston Matthews, whose chain links to Maple Leaf legends Terry Sawchuk and Syl Apps, by way of Hall-of-Fame forwards Paul Kariya, Mike Bossy and Marcel Dionne.

Here's the Sedin twins, who sadly don't turn out to have identical Goal DNA but do converge in the 1960s thanks to Cesare Maniago. (For reasons that aren't completely clear, Cesare Maniago shows up in a lot of these.)

So far, efforts to find a Goal DNA that traces all the way back to the NHL's very first goal—scored by Montreal's Dave Ritchie against Sammy Hebert one minute into the first ever game—have come up empty, but it's out there somewhere. You can follow the fun on Twitter with the #GoalDNA hashtag.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Teemu Selanne was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame on Monday, and everyone has spent the week saying nice things about him. And rightfully so – he's one of the most talented and popular players of the modern era. But it's not like the guy is perfect. So today, let's head back to 1991 as we remind ourselves that even the greats occasionally do things they'll regret.

(A huge thanks to reader Niklas for sending in the clip. Remember, if you have a clip you think I need to be aware or, email me.)

So it's 1991 and Team Finland is preparing for the World Hockey Championships. They're the host country for this year's tournament, and are seeking what would be the country's first ever medal at the event. The team features plenty of talent, including a certain winger who's about to head to the NHL, and they're feeling confident. But how best to show that to the world?

Yes, by now regular readers know the answer: With a terrible song. Here we go.

As best I can tell, the three wacky characters at the start of the clip are from Kummeli, a Finnish comedy crew. I'd make some sort of crack about the humor being lost in translation, but my country is responsible for The Love Guru, so I can't throw stones.

Last chance to hit mute if you don't want a Finnish hockey song stuck in your head for the next week. You've been warned.

We see some mysterious hands working a sound mixer, and the music begins. We're quickly introduced to our singers: five guys in Team Finland jerseys and a guy I'll just refer to as "Way Too Enthusiastic Dude." The hockey players include national team members Esa Keskinen, Pasi Huura and Sakari Lindfors, plus our old pal form the obscure player section, Hannu Virta.

The final player looks vaguely familiar, in the sense that it's Teemu Selanne and he looks exactly the same as he did at Monday night's induction ceremony. Seriously, he and Paul Kariya were best friends, teammates in Anaheim, followed each other to Colorado when they were free agents, went into the Hall of Fame on the same night and also neither one of them has aged a day since the early 90s. If everyone else wants to just pretend this is OK then I'm fine with that, but don't act surprised when this all turns out to be the plot of some weird Stephen King novel.

As per terrible hockey music video bylaws, shots of our singers are interspersed with clips from one and only one game. In this case, it's a matchup with Finland's top rival, Team Sweden. It's a real mixed bag, featuring genuinely cool highlights of a Swedish player being checked into the bench and a nice Finnish goal, as well as shots of guys winning faceoffs or just falling down. Look, it was 1991—if you wanted highlights of Team Finland in international tournaments, you took what you could get.

We also meet the star of the video: Whoever did the "ICE HOCKEY" text animations. I think that guy burned through all 16 fonts we had back in 1991.

My very favorite moment in the video comes about a minute in, when you can pinpoint the exact moment Selanne realizes this is a bad idea:

Here's my best attempt at transcribing the lyrics:

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

D'oh! That's hockey.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

And teriyaki.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

Gopher hockey.

Senior homes taste yucky.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's bang on, no need to google this any further.

I've got to be honest, they reeled me in a little with the dramatic bridge. They even feature a clip of Finland scoring a goal, which would be inspiring it they hadn't already used that same goal a minute earlier. Had…had Finland only ever scored one goal against Sweden? I think they may have.

Don't go getting cocky, Team Sweden, this isn't any worse than your song from 1989.

We close out with a few more closeups of our smiling singers and their, let's just say it, absolutely impeccable Finnish hockey hair. We also see a few more shots of those hands working the sound board, but never find out who they belong to. I was so sure the camera was going to pan up at the end and reveal that it was Neil Sheehy all along. Or, as he'd be known in Finland, Neeiil Sheeeehy.

We get one more Kummeli appearance, and we're all done. Finland would go on to fail to medal at the 1991 tournament. But they'd get their first medal the next year, and win gold in 1995, so this song may well have been the turning point.

As for Selanne, he stayed in Finland for one more year and then signed his first NHL contract with…Calgary? Yeah, it was a weird time. He wound up with Winnipeg, and soon he was scoring 76 goals as a rookie to kick off a career that spanned two decades. Now he's in the Hall of Fame. And he still isn't getting any older.

(That's probably a good thing, actually. I'm told that senior homes taste yucky.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com or find him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut

Three stars of comedy

The third star: Torey Krug and David Pastrnak – The spin is nice, but don't sleep on the synchronized stopping.

Hey, speaking of Bruins pairing off in interesting ways…

The second star: Brad Marchand and Leo Komarov – Look, the heart wants what it wants.

(Here's Komarov's response.)

The first star: Tomas Tatar – The clip is from a few months ago, but Tatar only posted it publicly this week. It's of his first time on the ice at the Red Wings new arena. Literally. He takes on step, and he's on the ice.

Yep, it's the old "forget to take off my skate guards" mistake. We've all been there, Tomas. Good to know if happens to the pros too.

The NHL Actually Got Something Right...Maybe...Depending on Your Perspective

One of the biggest stories of the week was a line brawl that broke out late in a game between the Flames and Red Wings on Wednesday night. The situation began with a fight between Luke Witkowski and Brett Kulak, and it escalated when Calgary pest Matthew Tkachuk tapped Witkowski on the leg on his way to the locker room, causing the Red Wing to return to the ice. That helped lead to another fight that spilled into the tunnel thanks to an open bench door, plus several other scrums and some players getting involved from the benches. At one point it looked like it might include a goalie fight.

Witkowski will probably get ten games for coming back after leaving the playing surface, Tkachuk somehow got a spearing major for that tap, and we can expect plenty of fines and maybe even an additional suspension or two. You can watch the whole thing here.

The brawl has been variously described as "chaotic," "crazy," "out of control," and "an old-fashioned dust-up." References to old-time hockey were plentiful.

So since everyone's talking about the Flames and Red Wings, let's take this as an opportunity for a reminder: Holy crap, has the NHL ever come a long way when it comes to getting fights and brawls out of the game.

I mean, the Wings and Flames thing was bad, there's no doubt, especially when it briefly spilled into the tunnel. Somebody could have got hurt there, and it's fortunate that the officials were able to get things under control before things erupted even further.

But the fact this is headline news in the hockey world right now just shows how much the game has changed. It's easy to forget now—or not to even know, if you're a relatively new fan—but stuff like this used to happen all the time. A line brawl or two used to be standard issue for a night's worth of NHL action. And it wasn't rare to see things get far more out of control.

An old-fashioned dust-up? I'm not so sure it was. I mean, this is what a brawl looked like in the 1960s, featuring a player attacking a linesman and fans throwing punches from the stands.

Here's one from the 1980s, which spans an intermission and includes a career-ending sucker punch.

Heck, here's Dave Manson taking the same 10-game suspension Witkowski will probably get. It's from a brawl that's best remembered for two of the players not fighting. We thought this was funny back then, even though it features a dangerous cheap shot, a linesman getting crushed from behind, two players pummeling one defenseless opponent at the same time, and only stops short of becoming a full bench-clearer because John Kordic of all people pulls Wendel Clark back to the bench.

And of course, I don't have to remind Red Wings fans about this:

Look, I don't want to go all cane-waving grandpa on you kids, but there's a very good chance that if this week's Flames/Wings brawl had happened in, like, 1991, it wouldn't even have made the highlights. You'd have watched your nightly sportscast without ever hearing about it, until it got mentioned in passing when the Wings came to town and they had to explain why Witkowski wasn't playing.

And yes, I realize that your view of whether all of this a good thing or not will vary based on your perspective. Some of you will see this as a clear sign of progress, of a league getting the silly and often dangerous sideshows out of the sport and letting the actual game take center stage for a change. Others will mumble about how the league was better back when this stuff happened from time to time, even though you're well aware that you're not supposed to say that out loud these days.

And maybe others are like me, stuck in the middle between being glad that we've got a far safer and saner league today while also vaguely missing a time when we could enjoy the sideshow stuff without realizing how dangerous it could be.

But whichever group you fall into, it's worthwhile to take a moment every now and then to understand and/or appreciate how much the game has changed, because we've come a million miles on this stuff. The Wings and Flames gave us that chance this week.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

This week's obscure player is Hannu Virta, for reasons we'll get to in a bit.

Virta was a Finnish defenseman who was drafted by the Sabres in the second round of the 1981 draft after coach and GM Scotty Bowman had snuck over to see him play overseas. He was viewed as a bit of a steal at the time, although that was before we realized that the blue-liner the Canadiens grabbed two picks later would turn out to be slightly better. Virta came over to North America and debuted for Buffalo later that season, playing three games before settling into regular NHL duty in 1982-83. That first full season was his best, as he scored 13 goals and had 37 points as a rookie. He'd play three more seasons in Buffalo before heading back home to Finland at the age of 23 to complete his military service. He stayed, and quickly became a star in the Finnish Elite League. He'd earn top defenseman honors four times, and also became a regular on the national team. After retiring, he became a head coach in the league.

But despite all of that, the unquestioned highlight of Virta's hockey career came in 1991. And we'll get to it in the Classic YouTube section. Here's a hint: It involves ice hockey.

New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary

Goal DNA – A neat historical project that I'm guessing readers of this column might appreciate, especially as the league's celebration of its own history kicks into overdrive this weekend. Goal DNA is the work of Twitter's @suicidepass, based on a similar idea used in baseball by Jesse Spector, and has been unfolding over the last month or so.

It works like this: Take any player from any point in league history, and figure out who he scored his very first NHL goal against. Then you take that goaltender, and figure out who he gave up his first goal to. Then you keep going, alternating back and forth between goalies and players, and see how far back into history you can reach.

Sometimes, it's not all that far—if a player and goalie had their first goal against each other, for example, then that kills the thread. And sometimes you can run into problems with the historical record, which isn't always clear about who was in net for a specific goal.

But sometimes you get something really cool. For example, here's Erik Karlsson, who's Goal DNA stretches all the way back to the first game played by the original Ottawa Senators 100 years ago.

Or here's Auston Matthews, whose chain links to Maple Leaf legends Terry Sawchuk and Syl Apps, by way of Hall-of-Fame forwards Paul Kariya, Mike Bossy and Marcel Dionne.

Here's the Sedin twins, who sadly don't turn out to have identical Goal DNA but do converge in the 1960s thanks to Cesare Maniago. (For reasons that aren't completely clear, Cesare Maniago shows up in a lot of these.)

So far, efforts to find a Goal DNA that traces all the way back to the NHL's very first goal—scored by Montreal's Dave Ritchie against Sammy Hebert one minute into the first ever game—have come up empty, but it's out there somewhere. You can follow the fun on Twitter with the #GoalDNA hashtag.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Teemu Selanne was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame on Monday, and everyone has spent the week saying nice things about him. And rightfully so – he's one of the most talented and popular players of the modern era. But it's not like the guy is perfect. So today, let's head back to 1991 as we remind ourselves that even the greats occasionally do things they'll regret.

(A huge thanks to reader Niklas for sending in the clip. Remember, if you have a clip you think I need to be aware or, email me.)

So it's 1991 and Team Finland is preparing for the World Hockey Championships. They're the host country for this year's tournament, and are seeking what would be the country's first ever medal at the event. The team features plenty of talent, including a certain winger who's about to head to the NHL, and they're feeling confident. But how best to show that to the world?

Yes, by now regular readers know the answer: With a terrible song. Here we go.

As best I can tell, the three wacky characters at the start of the clip are from Kummeli, a Finnish comedy crew. I'd make some sort of crack about the humor being lost in translation, but my country is responsible for The Love Guru, so I can't throw stones.

Last chance to hit mute if you don't want a Finnish hockey song stuck in your head for the next week. You've been warned.

We see some mysterious hands working a sound mixer, and the music begins. We're quickly introduced to our singers: five guys in Team Finland jerseys and a guy I'll just refer to as "Way Too Enthusiastic Dude." The hockey players include national team members Esa Keskinen, Pasi Huura and Sakari Lindfors, plus our old pal form the obscure player section, Hannu Virta.

The final player looks vaguely familiar, in the sense that it's Teemu Selanne and he looks exactly the same as he did at Monday night's induction ceremony. Seriously, he and Paul Kariya were best friends, teammates in Anaheim, followed each other to Colorado when they were free agents, went into the Hall of Fame on the same night and also neither one of them has aged a day since the early 90s. If everyone else wants to just pretend this is OK then I'm fine with that, but don't act surprised when this all turns out to be the plot of some weird Stephen King novel.

As per terrible hockey music video bylaws, shots of our singers are interspersed with clips from one and only one game. In this case, it's a matchup with Finland's top rival, Team Sweden. It's a real mixed bag, featuring genuinely cool highlights of a Swedish player being checked into the bench and a nice Finnish goal, as well as shots of guys winning faceoffs or just falling down. Look, it was 1991—if you wanted highlights of Team Finland in international tournaments, you took what you could get.

We also meet the star of the video: Whoever did the "ICE HOCKEY" text animations. I think that guy burned through all 16 fonts we had back in 1991.

My very favorite moment in the video comes about a minute in, when you can pinpoint the exact moment Selanne realizes this is a bad idea:

Here's my best attempt at transcribing the lyrics:

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

D'oh! That's hockey.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

And teriyaki.

Ice hockey, ice hockey!

Gopher hockey.

Senior homes taste yucky.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's bang on, no need to google this any further.

I've got to be honest, they reeled me in a little with the dramatic bridge. They even feature a clip of Finland scoring a goal, which would be inspiring it they hadn't already used that same goal a minute earlier. Had…had Finland only ever scored one goal against Sweden? I think they may have.

Don't go getting cocky, Team Sweden, this isn't any worse than your song from 1989.

We close out with a few more closeups of our smiling singers and their, let's just say it, absolutely impeccable Finnish hockey hair. We also see a few more shots of those hands working the sound board, but never find out who they belong to. I was so sure the camera was going to pan up at the end and reveal that it was Neil Sheehy all along. Or, as he'd be known in Finland, Neeiil Sheeeehy.

We get one more Kummeli appearance, and we're all done. Finland would go on to fail to medal at the 1991 tournament. But they'd get their first medal the next year, and win gold in 1995, so this song may well have been the turning point.

As for Selanne, he stayed in Finland for one more year and then signed his first NHL contract with…Calgary? Yeah, it was a weird time. He wound up with Winnipeg, and soon he was scoring 76 goals as a rookie to kick off a career that spanned two decades. Now he's in the Hall of Fame. And he still isn't getting any older.

(That's probably a good thing, actually. I'm told that senior homes taste yucky.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com or find him on Twitter @DownGoesBrown.

DGB Grab Bag: Line Brawls, Goal DNA, and Teemu Selanne's Singing Debut published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv