#hoping the quality will be better than on ig ugh

[spookeart]

Posting this here too~

Look at them being all romantic and running under the rain for what?

[futurewriter2000]

Breaking Him

A/N: I’m going to be honest with you here. This turned out SO MUCH BETTER than I thought it would and I am seriously considering making this a series, which would be my fist for Draco Malfoy. I don’t know, you have to tell me but I DON’T KNOW! Maybe....maybe not....Maybe a sad ending isn’t bad. I’ll see. 

REQUEST: Hey girl! I was wondering if you could write a Draco x reader where she's also a pureblood Slytherin and super confident & flirty, and he really wants to date her but she kinda ignores him/isn't intrested and he doesn't know why. You can totally choose the ending, I'm sorry if it's too long!! thank you 

XX

Could you believe that from all the boys that wanted to be with you, he was the one who was most determined to make that come true? 

The first time he realized it was in Third year of Hogwarts when the two of you were partnered up in Astrology and you being you just kept flirting the guy because that’s what makes the time pass faster. 

You never meant for him to fall for you. You never meant to do any harm with flirtng but you didn’t think this through. When you flrit with someone, you make them belive you are interested. 

But you weren’t. You flirted because it was amusing, fun and because you were bored. 

“Hey there, Lovely.” his arm wrapped itself on your shoulder and you tensed up. 

“Hey, Malfoy.” you said, shaking your shoulder out of his hold. “I am actually really running late to McGonagall, so I have to go.” you turned around to him and started walking faster. 

“See you at lunch then?” 

“Uhm, I have a study date with some friends.” you kept surfing through your drawer of excuses. 

“Dinner then?”

“Big exam tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” he said really quietly and disappointed when you disappeared around the corner. 

You were avoiding him. For years he has been trying to get your attention and you still avoided him. Why? 

If you gave him a chance, he would show you how to love. He isn’t as his reputation holds him to be. He is not some heartless snake. He has a heart and his heart is always filled just because of you. 

For him you were the one. You were confident, you had the alpha energy that drove him insane and challanged his own. You were loyal, down to earth, witty, selfless, brave, intelligent and all the good qualities that could make you sound like a queen and each night he thought of you... of both of you. And sometimes those thoughts wandered far off, into mornings after a heated night or a scene where you wore a stunning white gown and he’d be the one standing on the aile, putting a ring on your finger. 

Yes, he was indeed messed up when it came to you because you gave him feelings and thoughts he never thought could manifest. You’d be perfect. His parents would adore you because he knew you would make sure of it. You weren’t afraid, you weren’t shy or quiet, you were the one who could enter a room and cause the attention fall on you without saying a single word. 

You, him?- It was meant to be. 

And when he struggled with his sheets, his sleeping position, his insomnia, he knew it was because of you because how perfectly your hands would hold each other’s and how dreamily your lips would lock, his arms would hold you tight, his eyes observe your curves...

“Ugh!” he grumbled into the pillow and squeezed his eyes shut. 

Why are you so stubborn?! Why won’t you agree on a date with him?! Why don’t you give him a chance to prove himself to you?! 

He would love you! He would love you for the queen that you are meant to be! 

Maybe if he thought of something else? Maybe that oaf who guards the creatures in the woods- Oh how you would purse your lips and narrow your eyes at him if you heard him say that. It’s just adorable teasing you. 

He laid on his back and smiled at the ceiling before realizing what he is doing and turning back to the side with wide eyes. 

No. He said he won’t think of you.

Then why the fuck are you still in his head?!! 

‘Get out! Of! My! HEAD!’ he screamed in his mind.

But not really... he wanted to think about you all the time but the point was, he was tired and he wanted to fall asleep and think about you tomorrow but right now when he’s thinking of you, you’re just so pretty and your smile has such a nice curve in the corners, your laugh is all so girly but all so loud as well- Are you a Saggitarious? Those go well with Geminis...He’s a Gemini. Those are compatible with fire signs, aren’t they? 

‘OH MY GOD! STOP!’ - he covered his ears but that seemed stupid to him since it was his brain that needed to shut up and his brains doesn’t have ears. 

Hope she’s not a Virgo since Virgos and Geminis are like the most contrast to eachother and toxic. 

‘I’m losing my mind over her.’ - he told himself. 

She smells good, don’t you think? How does she always smell so good? It’s always one of the four perfumes and let’s be honest, the mandarine covered in chocolate perfume, as odd combination as it sounds it really makes his thoughts go wild. 

Like now.

‘I hate my mind.’- he says because now he could even smell that perfume and it just makes him a bit oozy as he thinks of you and him together in bed but before he could think any further, he finally falls asleep. 

---

He wakes up, exhausted, knowing exactly what happened last night before he went to sleep. Glaring at the ceiling, he grunts. “So you shut down just before it get’s interesting?”

Well, yes. That’s how Gemini brain works. Complicated. 

“Ugh.” he swings on the ground and ruffles his blonde hair, running his hands down his face. 

“Slept well?” his roomate said, showing him a teasing grin. 

“Fabulous.” he grunted again. 

“I’d say.” he continues to tease. “Someone particulate on your mind last night?” he sat on the chair and nibbled on some peanuts. “You know...keeping you awake?” 

“Hey Nott? You’re a Virgo, right?”

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

“Figured. I hate Virgos. They annoy me.” he said and put his clothes on. 

Theodore snorted and spun on his chair. “I see, my love for astrology spread on you. “

“I hate it.”

“Liar. You’re a Gemini. One part of you likes it, which can be enough for you to be curious what she is.”

“I don’t care what her Zodiac is!” Draco snapped at him. “It’s dumb and totally for for odd sods like you!”

“This odd sod notices a lot of things and knows a lot of things.” he stood up and walked up to him. “And this odd sod can be lethal to two-faced arseholes like you, Malfoy. Don’t think that I am afraid of you because you don’t scare me.”

“Whatever.” Draco brushed him off, grabbing his bag and walking through the door. 

He was furious. He was and he knew that even though Theo and he fight a lot, they’re still quite close and he cares about him... but that doesn’t make him any less annoying. 

“Nott and his stupid astrology.” he mumbled under his hot breath, knocking some students out of his way. “Move!” he snarled, smirking back at the group who were picking up their books. “Filthy mudbloods.” and he walked forward. 

---

He walked in his favorite class and saw an empty sit beside you- you who were practically burrying your whole face in the book. So without any hesitation, he walked and sat himself next to you. 

You jumped out of the book and looked at him. “This seat is taken.”

“I know, by me.” he started pulling out his school supplies. 

“No, I mean-”

“Why are you ignoring me?” he turned to you with all his body and kept a serious expression.

This time you were caught off guard, not knowing exactly what to say, so you stuttered. “I...I’m not ig...ignoring you.” 

“Liar.” he said. “I just want to know because-”

“Can we not do this here?” you pleaded with your eyes and they had a powerful effect on him and as much he would subdue to your effect, he couldn’t.

“Why? So you could ignore me again?” 

“Merlin, Malfoy!” you grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the class. 

You were furious. Furious that he was so persistant and pushy to make you do this and most of all, you were fuming because you have to deal with this. 

“Go on now!” you threw his hand from your hand and that only caused him to grow redder from his rage. “What do you want to know? Why I am not interested in you?!”

“Why you treat me the way you do!? Why don’t you just give me the chance to-”

“Because you are a heartless bastard!” you shouted at him and his heart dropped into his stomach. “I’m not interested into dating, let alone caring for someone who loves violance and finds satisfaction from other people’s suffering! This morning you knocked a bunch of First years! Calling them filthy mudbloods!” you continued to shout, pointing your finger at him, completely blind to the tears that were coming up to the surface. “You’re cruel and evil little roach, who does nothing but bully other people and kiss ass to every professor! You’re whiny and a coward! And for you to believe that I would ever date a person like you- YOU?!” you scoffed, laughing. “In your dreams, Malfoy boy. And since you always talk about others not being in your league, maybe someone as pathethic and feeble like Pansy Parkinson will be just perfect for you.” you finished, crossing your arms over your chest and wanting to leave but his words stopped you. 

“You’re right.” 

He said and you stopped. Not to what he said but how he said it. His voice felt...hurt and as much as you were aiming for that, you didn’t want to hear it. Turning around you finally noticed the one thing that you were so oblivious due to your rage. The wound your roughness caused. 

“You’re right. I am cruel and mean, evil, pathetic- honestly, I don’t know how many insults you exactly used but I am surprised you know so many of them. You call me heartless and all of that but you don’t even know me. Yes, I hurt other people but that’s what’s expected of me but you? I wouldn’t expect for you to sink as low as me.”

“I didn’t. I just called you out on the things you don’t see.” you said.

“No. I already knew all those stuff but you wouldn’t know that because you never gave me the chance to show you that besides all of those flaws, I might have a good side too. I was willing to look out the fact that you chose the popularity over the nice, kind and shy girl who welcomed you so warmly to your house. Margo, if I’m correct?”

You stood there in silence, your heart thumping in your chest. “How do you know about that?”

“Because believe it or not, Margo is a family friend who I never much associated with but had to due to the family connection. I know she’s fragile, I know she’s shy and socially-awkward and I know that you were the one who broke her.” he said meanwhile.

“I didn’t-”

“You broke her, (y/n). Admit it. You knew she was always getting you into embarrassing situations and always clinging to you like a puppy, which you hated. So you started spreading gossip around, just so you could get rid of her.”

“They stopped two days after, it was innocent.” you defended. You weren’t proud of that. You were a completely different person back then. You grew up since then.

“They stopped because I made them stop.” he growled, walking closer to you. “Like I said, Margo and I didn’t associate but had to. We were friends but she knew me better than you and better than anybody that I am a flawed man, who has to act the way I do because of my family. Never in all my Hogwarts years we exchanged words but the day she came running to me, bawling her eyes out from all the bullying you started! You don’t even know what people did to her when you spread stories about her the way you did! And you broke her! She’s not in school, she’s not anywhere to be found and that’s beccause YOU drove her away!” 

You were quiet, ashamed but you still felt your pride get in the way of showing that. So you just made the situation worse. “You sound like you care.”

“I do. Back then I didn’t know who started the rumors but through years I found out and I didn’t know what to do because I fancied you and I denied you could ever do this but now? Now you proved you’re just as horrible as I am. Yes, I bully other people, yes, I boast, YES, I called them filthy mudbloods today but don’t for a moment think that you know me?! Don’t for a moment call me those names and insults when you don’t know where I’m coming from or how I’m treated! You don’t know anything about me! Nothing! And thanks to now, you just showed me why I should never care about you too because caring for a hypocrite like you... that would be just a waste of my time.” he started backing away but you weren’t going to let this slide away so easy. 

“YOU CALL ME A HYPOCRITE! You don’t know me! You keep talking about how I don’t know you and keep calling you names when you do the same! YOU DO EXACTLY THE SAME!”

He laughed in the distance, turning around and walking slowly back to you and for a moment. For a small, short moment you saw how his body moved elegantly and relaxed, dragging his feet and swaying his hips. His shoulders were broad, his uniform was sharp, hair a bit messed up- a blonde strand falling in front of his forehead and his eyes... his eyes were blazing yours. 

You felt yourself sweat from his energy; your palms got sweaty, your muscles stiffed up and you were frozen like a rock.

“I know exactly who you are. I know what you like, I know how you feel about certain things, I know who your dad is, since he works with mine and has been at my mansion for one, two-” he started counting on his long fingers, before dropping his hand, backing you against the wall and pressing his hands on it, so you and him? The two of you were just an inch away. “- too many times. He talked about you quite a lot. He’s proud but boasting a bit too much, meaning he’s not as proud as he pretends to be.  So, I’d say I do know you more than you know because I put effort in getting to know people I fancy meanwhile you don’t even give a chance a person. “

“ I don’t give chances to people like you.” you growled, getting closer to him as his thin lips curve into a smile. He bit on his lower lip and looked down on yours, sending an unfamiliar wave of heat down your body. You didn’t know if he’s going to kiss you, which you hated to admit that you wanted him to, or... or...well that’s it. 

“People like me?” he tilted his head to the side, grinning.

“Two-faced.” you spat out.

“Oh, honey, look in the mirror.” he laughed. “All friendly, all flirty, all nice and kind but in reality you break people just like you did with Margo.” 

“Can you stop mentioning her?!” you start to grow irritated, staring at his piercing grey eyes but feeling a sudden urge to pull him closer. Yet you restrain yourself because it’s confusing and unclear....unfamilliar. 

“Feeling guilty?” 

“I don’t feel anything.”

“So, you’re the heartless one?” he kept teasing but you kept growing more and more frustrating. 

“What? No! I-” you kept trying to find words but he was closing the space between the two of you and you were backed agains the wall, pressed on his chest and breathing heavily. The air was hot, you were sweating and feeling your breath come out uneven. Draco caught that into his attention and enlarged the amount of mischief in his eyes. 

You couldn’t speak- hell, you barely even breathed. Then as you stared into his eyes his eyes changed, not in colour nor the shape. It was something inside that changed that made him back away and lower his head. 

“I really thought you were worth it.” he looked up at you, your red stained cheeks and your parted lips, grabbing for an air. You kept looking at him, seeing a simper that didn’t reach his eyes and knowing you messed up. 

But how could you mess up, knowing he deserved what you said? 

“Guess, you’re just like the others.” he started backing away, giving you one last glance before disappearing into the distance.

You wanted to say something. You wanted to speak but your throat was dry and unable to provide any kind of sound. You took a hold of it, staring where he disappeared and knowing, deep inside, you knew. You broke him.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

after i posted that reblog & was washing dishes it was like, oh no, there was what now feels like an obvious neon point to make that i sure did not, so here i go also just giving it its own post

basically just that, in the context of this “do other people think winston is Smart, do they think he is ‘smart’ in a way that is considered an intinsic positive quality attributed to that person rather than like, well this external result i guess indicates the mechanics of your brain are good enough to produce this but it’s hardly a positive for you as a person, b/c you’re probably worse at being a person for the fact all your stats go into running endless arithmatic in there, on that note do they think he is definitively Not smart outside the [external results] of math aptitude, has winston internalized anything from this assessment & according treatment by others” that point of winston so often being right about things outside of stuff to do with math / otherwise directly quant related matters sure seems to indicate he’s not Just Good / Smart At Math, but having to compile a post about instances he’s had these valuable / accurate contributions to make was sure motivated in part by these instances not necessarily being obvious, b/c in the show when he says “off topic” things / isn’t just sticking to the quant stuff people are mostly just trying to get him to shut up / even as he’s saying this Correct, Useful stuff people are just like, revving up the disdain b/c he’s talking / acting wrong & annoying. the Extrinsic quality of his social approach making the inferred Intrinsic quality that winston’s clueless/useless or whatever & thus so’s whatever he’s actually saying, it’s wrong & it would’ve been better if he hadn’t said anything at all

plus it only kind of backs things up that i don’t think like, for viewers it’s meant to be completely obvious that winston is out here like, being insightful & perceptive & generally paying attention to everything on his own & keeping up with all of it & being attentive to / right about social elements of goings on, w/his ideas about what other people are like & what their feelings & motivations might be & how that might be playing into / relevant to various situations....a particularly clear & relevant example being his 4x11 admonishlogue, which was naturally a subjective spontaneous spiel while he’s worked up & irritated rather than like, yes this is the objective 1000% accurate rundown of the situation, but it was right enough for taylor to have listened & then we get their 4x12 conscious course correction / them acknowledging They Were Wrong & Are Sorry, & if you’re not a billions viewer failing to realize axe & taylor have these parallel plot threads in 4x11 & that taylor’s speech in 4x12 wasn’t out of nowhere, about & inspired by nothing, with no context, the implication is that taylor recognized winston made some points / was influenced thusly......but also, [all the billions viewers who didn’t get that at all] is kind of relevant here b/c you Can just suppose that automatically everything winston says is wrong & useless, & furthermore the 4x11 scene “resolves” with mafee jumping in & saying as much & just taking the Pwning A Nerd route to shout someone down into dropping the point, as always mafee doesn’t really argue with any of the actual things winston was saying, but if you’re operating with the understanding that the Axe Cap Approach of bullying less epic winner guys into shutting up is the extrinsic behavior that indicates any & all intrinsic positive qualities, aka they’re just Always Right b/c they’re the cool guys, & annoying insecure math nerds like winston are always wrong, well then

which is then also relevant to how winston of course wouldn’t / couldn’t fit in at axe cap but Can work for taylor.......thinking of how, you know, there’s these characters who are regarded as Extra Smart who also have to be perceived by other characters & viewers as having these extrinsic qualities that Intuitively indicate / prove their intrinsic smartness, i.e. / e.g. how, say, taylor has to “seem” smart pretty much immediately, to a character like axe (who can also have these moments of, without external successful results that would “prove” anything, will just be “evidently” smart in what he does/says in an exchange & how he does it), because their other extrinsic qualities would seem “wrong,” & thus what people might infer about their intrinsic qualities based on that would be negative, but axe can recognize their smartness & prioritize it over them being The Tough Guy / having successfully bullied their coworkers (or co interns) until they had some superior position because of that or the other stuff that’s supposedly the Right way to do things that proves you’re a Winner in any / every way....but, while at axe cap / dealing with now coworkers (or now subordinates) or other people in the business, taylor still had to navigate those situations even with axe’s conferred protection / approval / blessing, requiring having to consciously adopt certain extrinsic / external approaches b/c they know it’s the only way to get people to listen or take them seriously (on top of how already the approach they had re: interpersonal / social exchanges & presenting themself was titrated in the hopes of people taking them seriously / inferring helpful/positive things about them)

and then when it comes to tmc / taylor for real having the final word / ultimate authority on everything, they don’t want their employees to Have to put on the same kinds of performances they sometimes did, and they sure don’t want their employees to have to act like what was the norm at axe cap re: cool tough guy winners being terrible to everyone as a way to prove your worth, and they sure are not going to Make or even encourage anyone to do any of that. and even if any intrinsic smartness(tm) of winston’s doesn’t extrinsically manifest in the way axe cappers, or even mase cappers, think that it could/would/should, taylor’s more concerned with his intrinsic talent than extrinsic demeanor, and even if they’re suggesting these are at odds, they aren’t quite 100% directly connecting them, i.e. they’re not saying “well, your demeanor means you’re a dumbass but you’re still smart somehow,” the issue is just that he was too grating & rude to them in 3x03 (& beyond that is still Not sweet / “being a dick”) which is now, in some notable contrast with what they said in 3x03, being considered as this separate matter rather than “of course you can’t work for me b/c you hate yourself too much to Really be effective,” now it’s like, well yeah you were annoying but also you’re still skilled enough to consider....and by kompenso they obviously think he’s actually worth hiring, b/c there he is, hired, & kept on, & brought to tmc at axe cap, & still here (with him only Apparently being on thin ice when taylor has given enough control of mase carb to wendy that they no longer exactly have the final word / ultimate authority (and even if they kinda do, they don’t just wanna immediately / completely take advantage of that))

but naturally what really counts even beyond this is that, besides being the person who of course hired winston in the first place / wants him around b/c he’s good at math, taylor also just actually also always listens to & genuinely considers what winston says and, as seen in 4x11 to 4x12 for one, can actually change their mind / reevaluate a situation / decide they might’ve been wrong because of what he’s said, on top of instances like 5x03 where they’re also listening to him like, yeah he’s talking about math, but he’s Also contributing some personal, qualitative leaning insight, thanks to admitting that, you know, This’ll Be The First Live Test, he’s not saying “well yeah the numbers totally back us up” but he’s still saying that he himself thinks they can do it, and they do it.......so yeah the point is taylor must of course think he’s Smart At Math but they must also consider / (realize) that he’s also smart at other shit / just in general and, even if other characters / viewers might think that the way winston behaves / seems he must Not be smart, taylor is always listening to him & is definitely not instantly writing it off / interpreting it as outright Wrong / simply experiencing radio static ft. “ugh hate that this guy has to be so annoying” as soon as he speaks....so shoutout to taylor for that, and maybe there’s a parallel in how, their first time around at axe cap, taylor could sort of avoid axe cappers giving them as much shit as they might’ve b/c they had some protection from axe, the top shit giver, and here’s winston able to be treated as smart & valuable despite the fact other people wouldn’t see him that way b/c taylor, the smart value detector,  wants him here

but you know, Not shoutout to the fact that taylor’s kind of the exception in reliably listening to Everything winston might have to say / taking him seriously & realizing that he has good contributions besides Just strictly in the quant realm, and that for the most part characters (and viewers) are kind of just automatically like boooo everything winston says is dumb and wrong and we hate him.....while, you know, the whole time he’s so often “secretly” Right about plenty of things, as long as there’s anyone actually listening and not just automatically writing him off as The Guy Who’s Wrong About Everything But Numbers

(feels relevant enough to put in the text as a postscript here: Of Note the way that axe cappers react to winston in s5, the weird contradictory 5x01 quantphobia like “they’re smarter than us and better at us. at math ig, but i guess also in general. and this is an own i guess” and “also they’re not better than us at math even or whatever,” and then dollar bill’s apparently assuming some quant would just guaranteed be able to make him money, but he’s also stomping in with no real leverage and so you’ve just got him pitting his usual bluster and bravado “this means i’m intrinsically a winner” approach against winston, whose social approach means he’s a dumb wrong nerd, but also please do your good math for me, and you know, it doesn’t really work out for bill and was just a waste of everyone’s time, kind of a failure of bill’s not only to convert his Winner Axe Cap Behavior directly into making money / succeeding but trying to do so by actually getting the math guy to do the valuable shit for him....and then they kind of all forget he exists which is very fine by me b/c you know, winston can’t really just exist in the general axe cap scape and ideally taylor should always be in the group he’s in, although it also helps if rian’s someone who just listens to him normally / hadn’t immediately judged his extrinsic / intrinsic qualities negatively (she is))

[heleneplays]

another week over and october by the crane wives continues to be my top song on spotify. here are some songs for the weekend! a bouncy song to jam to- anywhere by passenger. a song that'll leave you feeling bittersweet- windmills by toad the wet sprocket. a friendship song- army by boy. (also i'm sorry if this ask sends more than once, tumblr keeps giving me 'bad request')

it's prolly on the internet connection, but also god big mood! don't worry tho, this ONE did come thru!!! also october is SO good, i'm gonna bet your spotify wrapped will look so cool 😆♡♡♡

on another note mine's repeating tongues & teeth AND icarus aside curses... they're just so iconic UGH👉🏻👈🏻 and i'm thinking of getting their actual albums but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ yea

I really do have to thank u abt recommending them once again tho,,, they saved my ass from post-test stress, I've been laid down on the floor while playing pokemon (oop sorry wips, my beloved,,,) just letting their vibes wash me out for hours now <3

ANYWAYS

I see passenger in ur recs and as a years-old fan i'm doing the eyyyyyyyy! same hat thing rn <3

once again, business as usual now!

Song 1: Anywhere by Passenger

My thoughts: Nostalgia trip to my Grade 10 days where I was neck deep into dissociating for a better time....... not that i do it still these days (if in smaller doses) but OOP-- GOD this song is so old YET so beautiful still *pleading face*,,, I've always associated this with just. about being. about finding life with someone/s special, and living well. Passenger really just has that special place in my heart where it can tug on a range of strings from bittersweet to something hopeful and vibrant ♡

10/10, thank u for reminding me of this gem and!!! added it to the M.C.R. AU gang playlist 💖💖💖

---

Song 2: Windmills by Toad the wet sprocket

My thoughts: OH THE VIBES FROM THE START. I LOVE 'EM! and oop I think its being evident im a slut for slow vocals but let's not talk abt that--

The SONG THO, ugh. you say this is bittersweet? i'm actually fully vibing-- maybe it's a lil sad, but it's not... in that level of range for me,,,, maybe being influenced majorly by the instrumental bkg, but UGH. The feeling is more. something suited to a light hurt/comfort fic or a small stone quickly skipping through the water, if that makes sense?

UGH 9/10 tho I am in LOVE with the vibes and the lyrics too ig but makes me. quite seepy 😔👉🏻👈🏻

---

Song 3: Army by Boy

My Thoughts: I COME IN AND IMMEDIATELY!!! THE GUITAR AND THE VOCALS HAS ME GOING😏😳!!!!! it's definitely a friendship/squad song and I'M VIBING aaaaaaaaaaaa I LOVE IT???? a lot,,,,

ugh my heart is really out here just suddenly feeling sad i can't pop by my besties' homes so i can get some quality snuggle hours >:0

anyways THE LYRICS ARE LIT!!! can relate majorly to

They're taller than giants // They outshine all the stars // They are the love above love // They're my army of fortune // They win every war // They are the love above love

AND SERIOUSLY!!! 11/10 & once again added to M.C.R. AU gang playlist!

---

Vibes for this weekend is missing bestie squads huh? *continues to lie down on the floor, imagining i was touching water in a pool with infinite tenderness* i think i will miss my friends on purpose ♡

ANYWAYS I hope you're doing okay though and I wish u a super cool weekend as well! Personally i'm just gonna wait for news in regards to my one class that's on Saturdays (i'm gay and aggrieved :( ), finish my Pokemon HeartGold playthrough & work on art ONCE done :3c

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST!!!

*bonk* take care bestie, ily <3

[one-shoulder]

(WARNING : YOU WILL BE READING THE WORD “BIODEGRADE” SO MUCH, EVEN I AM JUST NAUSEOUS TYPING IT. JUST READ ON, THANK YOU)

I guess we are due for a check-in since it is now half the year in. Earlier in January, I have stated (in IG stories) a few year-goals I’d like to achieve.

23rd JANUARY 2019

I cannot say that I have been true to what I’d like to accomplish. However, I do believe that I have done the very best and to me, this is very important. I say this because besides putting unrealistic goals for ourselves, we are too hard on ourselves when we don’t achieve it. Resulting in just throwing out the goal out the window. Worst, way too early in the year.

So here, is my half year check in.

My first waste-less swap was : BABY DIAPERS

You would think, how?? Cloth diapers, people. Cloth diapers. As you know, most named brand diapers are NOT biodegradable. As google said it, 500 years to biodegrade in its restricted conditions. Yea so we will never ever get to see any of our generations’ worth of babies’ diapers fully biodegrade. Basically, an average baby uses 10 diapers a day, I know it gets lesser as they get older. Just calculate it. How disgusting the numbers are going to be (cough*7000*cough). So I took a step to change that. Yes, “a step”, not “a leap”. We made our transition from normal diapers to cloth diapers with our son and that was the best decision ever. Not only was it cost efficient, I felt so darn good after a few months into it. Another blog post as to how we are fairing with it. All I can say is, right now, we are alternating cloth diapers with disposable diapers that are ECO-FRIENDLY.

That’s right friends. So if you feel like you cannot commit to cloth diapers fully, do not ever feel guilty to still continue using disposable diapers. Alternating by using cloth diapers sometimes and disposables sometimes will in fact, still reduce waste. Even 2 cloth diapers a day, still reduced 2 disposables out of the equation. Here is another good news, as times are changing, there are indeed a higher demand and availability of disposable diapers that are more gentle to the earth.

Although those greener diapers are still only 25-75% of it able to biodegrade, a little guide to a better choice to choosing your diaper, to name a few would be;

-Chlorine-free

-Fragrance/Perfume free

-Dye-free

-Latex-free

-made out of sustainable materials

I admit, you will be spending more, but trust me, 7000 diapers per baby that are not decomposing well on earth? ugh! So all in all, tough transition but DOABLE and ACHIEVABLE. Better yet, be fully accustomed to cloth diapers! If you wanna know what was my motivation besides the eco factor? THE CUTE PRINTS! Here are some that I own

My second waste-less swap is : PLASTIC BAGS

All my friends would know it is one of my most outstanding habits that I will have shopping bag on me at all times. I sometimes even carry 2 just in case my friends don’t have one while we are out shopping. And yes, I will give a stare down (at my own friends) when they accept a plastic bag when they have a handbag large enough to contain the purchase or they already have another shopping bag that can hold the new purchase. SERIOUSLY, you know who you are. I think I started this way back in 2007 when Fairprice will discount 10cents off your bill if you brought your own bag. It just stuck to me since then! I take pride with my LOQI bags. I will ask for it back like its money. Lose it and I might unfriend you. Don’t try me. I had to give up a few bags and I remember them even it was $2 bags. My husband knows that I will always ask him if he has a shopping bag before he leaves for work. He too, has a few of his own and I’m so proud of him.

So just refuse plastic bags and use your own bags! I don’t care if they have packed it, I will remove it and return to the cashier. I have had a salesperson told me, “its okay! its just a bag, take it”. My face just blanked out on her. After she realized I’m really not joking about not wanting the bag, she nonchalantly said to me, “oh you want to save the earth is it?? okay..”. Guess who is not patronizing her little shop anymore? Yes one little bag COUNTS. ok guys? if you walk pass me, yes prod your reusable shopping bag into my face and I would go YEAAAAHHH!!!!! (just kidding, please don’t attack me like that)

My third waste-less swap : PAPER PRODUCTS

I would like to add that I am in transitioning to be waste-less in a few other areas. Including feminine products, (some options you can try are menstrual cups, reusable menstrual pads and eco-friendly pads. Something I do not have good knowledge of yet due to low frequency in period)

facial cotton pads, (These are all homemade by us at ONEshoulder. You may purchase them in 6s at www.oneshoulder.store)

bath products, (try opting for bar soaps. Since we own a bath product company, I haven’t purchased shampoos and bath soaps in about 2 years now. If we are not using our own products, why do we sell them right? duh)

side note : ONEshoulder.sg is working towards a no-plastic movement soon. We are phasing out all plastic and its one of the toughest decisions we made. Mainly due to how well it ships and quality. We are in the works for a very long and what you shop now are no longer new plastics we bought. Instead, they are all re-used from what we receive from our supplier or already have. eg: bubble wrap, plastic mailing bags, plastic bottles. We also try to recycle used paper to have our notes and messages for customers printed at the back. I hope all our customers are patient with our change and appreciate this step we are making in order to have a more greener Earth!

and like I said, basically everything in general. I made myself washable kitchen towels too, swapped my normal tissues to bamboo tissues from Cloversoft(for guests) and when I’m out, my tissue choice is a cotton handkerchief. Wow so old school right? Something that I have a habit of for more than a few years now. Yes, besides the grocery shopping bags.

    My guilty plastic-use that I hope to improve include:

BUBBLE TEA– guilty guilty guilty. Plus the straws, although I do have a thick stainless steel straw, it tastes funny. Am I the only one who feels this way?

BOTTLED MINERAL WATER – Although most times I have my own water bottle, I just couldn’t find a water dispenser when I need water immediately. Or sometimes meals comes with drinks and they do not have a non-plastic option. When I shop now, I try to buy glass bottled drinks or tin cans.

So that concludes what I wish to let you know. A check-in with our progress. If you have any suggestions on other clever hacks I should try, do sound off at the comment box! I really wish to hear from you guys. Will you try something new to help reduce plastic waste? Let me know!!

  Love,

Mama M.

CHECK-IN. What change did we make? (WARNING : YOU WILL BE READING THE WORD "BIODEGRADE" SO MUCH, EVEN I AM JUST NAUSEOUS TYPING IT.

[j4nn4s]

rules:

always repost the rules

answer the questions given to you by the one who tagged you!

give 11 questions

tag 11 people

i was tagged by @isakvdhflorenzi, ty miss lorena <3 1. Is the social media presence of the characters important to how you view the quality of the remake/show?

hm well skam nl is my favorite and their social media game is trash LMAOOO so generally No but i do feel like remakes who DO have such a good presence kind of elevate the show and i think it’s pretty heartwarmin to see some remakes go sm farther than skam with social media and puttin out educational and IN CHARA resources like skames does this so well and i feel like in that way, the team is really really spreadin skam’s spirit via these resources (like joana’s billion bpd awareness ig accounts and lucas rubio’s yt channel)

2. Least favourite clip of the show? Why?

tbh there are definitely some duds but probably one of the clips with sana gettin herself into a hole in s4 just bc some were hard to watch cus cringey or yikes .... idk i cant think of others LMAO

3. Which character did you feel the most connected to and why?

ijeoiqjiwoij even tho even is my all time fave skam chara, i have to say isak for all of these reasons 

4. Your least favourite part of every season?

season 1 - tbh even though i really enjoyed this season, it does take a while for it to build up like i rmr at first not being that interested until ep6 maybe ?? which is hard when you’re trying to get your friends to watch but they have to wait until ep6 before shit starts RLLY buildin up and gettin wild

season 2 - hm ig noora chasin after william ??

season 3 - bro NOTHINGGG call me a purist but its such a refined masterpiece like the pacing is good the characterization is so good ugh i deadass cant think of anythin

season 4 - i always felt a little ??? w noora being sana’s bff ig bc from s1-s3 it didn’t Feel like they were that close like even in noora’s pov, sana wasn’t really a part of it that much ?? like eva was more of noora’s bff ?? so i feel like it would have made more sense if maybe sana spoke more with chris or vilde bc sana and vilde eventually seemed to get closer esp with kosegruppa and chris has always been by sana’s side ?? idk that always confused me

5. What is your opinion on the cast’s participation on social media? Do you prefer it when the cast aren’t that involved like the Skam cast, or do you like a lot of content like the Fr cast do?

tbh i don’t care much abt the casts LMAOOO if anythin it kind of brings more harm as seen with the harassment axel and maxence get and also can bring more controversy like with irene (which honestly is p sad considerin how much i love skames bc now i feel super :/ watchin it like she shouldve just had private accts at this point)

6. Favourite song you found from Skam or the remakes?

OMFGGG love this question .... def doorman by slowthai and mura masa bc its one of my fave songs now and i got it from skam nl <3 ugh taste

7. If you could decide which characters from Skam got a season, who would you choose?

OOOHHH ugh torn bc i like isak’s pov but also i want even’s so might have to forfeit isak season for even season ....... hm so probs vilde, sana, even, noora (maybe not w william tho) and honestly maybe jonas too ??

8. Are there any moments that you liked in the show that everyone else seems to hate?

IJXDWQOIJJ yes .... remakes-wise, people hate skam nl s2’s last half but i enjoyed it for the most part ... i think the pacing was off for the last ep but personally, clip 50 made up for it and is p god tier imo ..... and also don’t think the first half of ep10 is enough to discredit the entire season bc i rlly loved seeing liv’s pov and have sm fave moments from the season 

but skam wise, omg might get a lil controversial w this one IM SORRY !!! im bein honest and its Just my opinion ok 

personally s2 got me more invested than s1 and i don’t think its a super bad season like i didnt really say many problems wrong with it until i got on tumblr wiejioqjoiqjq i was sort of interested in the questions that the noora/william dynamic brought up which is, as expressed in william’s war speech to noora, that nothing is ever black/white which i feel was a huge message and feeds into the ‘you never know what ppl are going through’ theme of the season ... like i like the idea of someone like noora, who can have a black/white mentality (as seen in the first clip of s2 when she tells vilde that they can’t have the tannin company as their sponsor bc they objectify women or smth but misses the context and what it could mean for the bus monetarily bc shes caught up in bein ‘woke’) having to break out of that and see more than one side ... and i think remakes like skam austin expanded on this idea well like when zoya was like ‘must be so nice being right all the time’ which i Do feel like is an important for youth to know today .... bc i think its so easy to get caught up in the idea of being so objectively right and morally superior that people lose sight of the more nuanced characteristics to life ... (omg long ramble BUT)

also LMAOOOOO this one might be more controversial as it pertains to bench scene s4 ok oops again doNT GOTTA AGREE !! ........ but i feel like the scene had a lot of good intentions ... i was def kind of cringing a bit tho bc i understand the subject’s sensitivity and how these topics are hard to talk about but i genuinely feel like they both made Some points and should listen to each other .... like as Hard and as maybe ‘unwoke’ it is to admit, unfortunately you sort of do have to answer the tough questions bc that way we learn from each other .... and i perfectly understand why some ppl wouldn’t want to do this and i certainly am tired abt havin to answer shit abt my sexuality or stupid male questions abt women but if u dont answer them, people do go lookin for answers still and the internet is such a shitty place that its pretty easy (esp with youtube’s algorithm) to lead you to ignorant ppl and perhaps radicalization .... questions help us to better understand our community and sometimes they can have good intentions too but we have to ask and answer them or else people will make up answers (which ive literally seen and its honestly worse to see fake as shit and UNINFORMED answers bc ppl did not want to ask you or ppl of ur identity, esp when they’re already startin from a place of hate .... but i rather have ppl ask me patronizing questions than have them spread false info bc that can do much more harm in the long run) however i DO think that isak should also consider sana’s side and i sort of wish we saw him conceding more bc they both have smth to learn from one another, like sana shouldn’t just be learnin from isak, isak needs to learn from sana too

PHEW SORRY QWIOJQWIO girl i just got opinions on some things this is when my desc rlly comes in handy .... oqjdwqioj

9. What did you learn from the show?

omg honestly too much to write here tbh ..... but if it says anythin im (very slowly) in the works of a three part skam essay about basically how skam teaches us to be better humans and how to better treat the people we care about diowjqioj essentially the three biggest themes of the show: you never know what someone is going through so always be kind, always communicate with your friends, and no person is ever alone and i feel like these are definitely rlly good messages to live by (also livet er nå BITCH !!!)

10. What is your favourite headcanon about your favourite characters?

omg tbh i could not tell u at all how the skam charas are doing except i hope even is okay thats all im thinkin of ok .... OIWXIOJX omg remakes wise tho ..... honestly im so bad at this girl IDK !!!!! LMAO i have to really think i have a bit of vdh and dutch even but thats bc we know like Zero abt them so its easier oijwiojqio idk liv and noah bein cute as shit ..... OH WAIT personally i feel like janna got a bunch of pansexual energy so my BIGGG hc is that she’s pan also bc she’s one of my all time fave charas and my fkn url so itd be dope if she was pan ok boom

11. What is your opinion on fanfiction in the fandom?

tbh i don’t read skam fanfiction but i don’t mind reading some from the remakes (tho still its rare) ... eiojeioqw i just don’t trust anyone but julie to write skam charas bc i think that’s how precious the show is to me LMAO like idk everything ive seen of skam fanfiction and ficlets and one shots, i could never get into bc the tone is just so out of character or there will be lines that just take me out of the fic bc im like this !!!! is not !!! how the chara acts !!!! so yeah idk not rlly a fan bc of my purist ass but i dont mind others reading it

Questions:

1. Favorite quote of the show?

2. Which country would you like to see have the next remake? Do you have any headcanons?

3. Which season would you rewrite and how would you rewrite it?

4. What clips do you personally like or don’t mind, but others hate?

5. Which songs do you think SKAM or the remakes should have included? For which moments?

6. Who would you give SKAM season five to and what topics and themes would it cover?

7. What moment spoke to you or touched you from SKAM the most?

8. How did you find SKAM? How did you feel about it right after watching?

9. Have you shared SKAM with any friends in real life? What did they think of it?

10. Of the remakes, which characters are your favorite of their SKAM counterparts? (Ex. who is the best Vilde remake? Eva? etc.)

11. How do you feel about the SKAM (and remakes) tumblr fandom?

I tag: @smileykeijser @whatadaze @queenofpurgatoryx @itlukey @skamyeets @shaykeijser @megeliz01 @isakcijser @wackpainterkid @axelauriantblot @kar-d-momme

(omg ik some of yall have been tagged so just ignore if u dont want to do it ok im srry it was in the RULES!)

[d0yenne-archived]

Muse Dating Headcanons

Kira Black

-Major tsundere SOMETIMES. If her boyfriend is a smooth and romantic dude that flirts with her a lot, she’ll blush and call him an idiot, even though she loves the attention. If her boyfriend is more awkward and cute, she’ll be the more romantic one in the sense of sweet cheek kisses and lowkey hand holding.

-If she’s with a more cute guy, she’ll be cute and sweet too—it jus rubs off on her. If she’s with more of a flirty—Or even seductive (COUGHCOUGHSEBASTIAN)—she’ll act that way too, on occasion. When she wants to.

-You gotta be patient with her. She doesn’t warm up to people or trust people easily AT ALL. That’s because of her terrible past.

-If you want her to trust you, kind of suck up to her with affection. Works every time. (Subject to change lmao)

-DO NOT BE EXTRA ABOUT YOUR AFFECTION TO HER. Like, no public proposals. She will absolutely run off in embarrassment. You want to take her somewhere nice or propose to her right? Do something quiet and sweet, just the two of you. Going to a restaurant could even work, just do not under any circumstances bring attention to both of you.

-“Ugh, this is stupid..!! How do humans cook like this?? Whatever, I’ll just use my magic....so ridiculous....”

-Her ideal date is to a library, park, quiet coffee shop, and especially a picnic in the woods. If the latter, preferably at night. Then she’ll give you a beautiful light show with her magic, expressing without words how much you mean to her.

-If she trusts you, she will never leave you and will be the best partner you could ever ask for. But break her heart once, and her trust—and faith in people—is ruined.

-She’s against having children, until she meets the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Then, it doesn’t seem like such a problem.

Grell Sutcliff

-Literally all she wants in a boyfriend/girlfriend is someone who accepts her for who she is and loves her anyway.

-That And maybe someone who will buy her expensive dresses and jewelry. That’ll work too if your personality sucks. (COUGHCOUGHCIEL)

-She’s all talk. She seems like someone who has slept with tons of people, but actually, that isn’t the case. She had sex only once—Madam Red—and then killed her only lover.

-Don’t you with her heart. It’s easy to, but when she finds out, she’ll kill you like she did with Madam Red.

-She doesn’t at all care who she kills or the consequences of her actions. You’ll be bailing her out of tons of stupid shit.

-She’s super affectionate. If she had her way, she’d be with her lover every minute of the day with tons of love to give them.

-Tell her you love her a lot. Every day. She won’t forget, but it makes her feel so happy to hear it said.

-Expect more than one child. And unless you can somehow use some magical ability to make a male (or transgender, depending on the thread) reaper pregnant, adoption. But Grell won’t attach easily to kids who aren’t hers. Every kid is a brat—except her own.

Lia Michaelis

-I hope you like no displays of affection. And no sex. Because there will be a lot of that in a relationship with her.

-Some day beauty is within. Inside Lia is a dark hole with little to no emotion. Just a warning.

-She IS capable of warming up to people and caring for people. You just have to force a friendship onto her in some way to make her even really see her.

-NO parties, NO public dates, NOTHING around other people. She’ll want to stay inside her house with her lover and spend quiet, quality time with them.

-The most love you’ll get from her is her leaning against you.

-Want her to really kiss you and have her show affection? Just hope she doesn’t take her “bipolar medicine”. Then she’ll have more emotion—for better or for worse, I cannot say.

-“Children are disgusting and annoying.”

Anne Phantomhive

-Honestly, depends on the verse and timeline.

-As a reaper, she’s set on her goal of being the best from reaper possible. But she may get distracted along the way and fall for some girl.

-As an “adult”, queen of the underworld...?? Her brother is married to the girl she’s in love with. So I guess try to make her see you...??

-As “Earl Of Phantomhive” (verse where she never dies and becomes a reaper) she’s literally the female and red headed version of Ciel Phantomhive. But around someone she can relate to and care for, she becomes more and more like she was as a child—carefree, happy, funny, and caring.

-A female love ig another female is against the law in this time period. So? She’ll kill anyone who even suspects she’s homosexual.

-She has anger issues. But never towards her waifu.

-Her lover is the most important person to her. She’ll die protecting them.

-She’s ALWAYS warm?? And she’s not at all opposed to snuggles, so cold, winter nights? Just snuggle with Anne. She’ll be your fire.

-Daddy issues, so don’t expect him to be pleased at all with her in love with a girl. But you know what? He doesn’t have to know.

-Still is lowkey in love with Lia, but it’ll fade with time with Anne’s new lover.

-The masculine one in the relationship, absolutely. She hates dresses. Only ever wears suits—whether that be a reaper suit or a Earl Of Phantomhive suit.

-Will no doubt set aside work to spend time with or even dance with her wife/girlfriend.

[t0ngue-tech]

Layover

“You’re still blurry.” You pout.

“It’s okay. I’m a high quality man, this low quality doesn’t stand a chance.”

↠fluffy nonsense if you will↞

word count: 778

↠dribble drabble↞

a/n: HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO OUR WORLDWIDE HANDSOME MAN. goddddd i looove seokjin so much. this was inspired by my ig post (which by the way you should totes follow me on ig if u like snapchat/text posts lol @/sugvr.less) i’m also working on another story rn, so hopefully i can upload it soon ^-^ i hope you all enjoy this short seokjin crack~

“Wait, the connection isn’t good here—just kidding. There we go.”

You were cramped up in the dim lighting of your room. Finals were slowly approaching and you had been studying your brains out from the moment you got out of bed in the morning. While it was already early evening where you were, it was still morning where Seokjin was. You had a lot more content to go, but you decided to reward yourself with a facetime call with your boyfriend for working diligently.

“You’re still blurry.” You pout.

“It’s okay. I’m a high quality man, this low quality doesn’t stand a chance.”

You shake your head as his squeaky laugh escapes his lips. Typical Seokjin banter.

“Well our manager just said we’re delayed for two hours and what better way to spend two hours than arguing with these kids.”

“Hey, is that y/n noona?”

The camera lags for a couple of seconds and Seokjin’s blurry face becomes Jungkook and Taehyung.

“Noona!”

“Seokjin hyung is being mean.”

You smile at the two and laugh. It’s never a facetime call with your boyfriend without the other members stealing his phone away from him.

Seokjin’s close relationship with the members was endearing and they always made you feel like you were apart of the family. Yoongi would always call you sister-in-law whilst Hoseok nagged at Seokjin asking him when was the wedding. In attempt to feel closer, Jungkook would forget to call you noona on purpose, but this resulted in a soft slap to the back of his neck.

“Look at hyung.” Taehyung snickered at switched the camera to point at Seokjin who was sitting across of them with his hand out. It was soft but you could hear him asking for his phone back.

“How are you, noona? When are you going to visit again?” Jungkook snatched the phone away from Taehyung and switched to the front facing camera.

“I’m doing fine, Kookie. I plan on visiting during my winter break when finals are over.” You sigh and balanced your phone against your jar of pens. “I have five exams I need to study for for the next three days.” Jungkook makes a disgusted face as you lifted up your papers to show him how much notes you took.

“Jeon Jungkook! Unhand my phone!”

The younger almost chokes on his laughter whilst trying to gain dominance over Seokjin’s phone. You watch as the screen lags, shakes, and loses connection for a couple of seconds. After a brief moment, your boyfriend finally has his phone back in his clutches.

“Goodness.” Seokjin scoffs and ruffles his brown bangs to the side. “Taking care of these children is hard work.”

He quickly flashed the camera towards the other members before they noticed; the last thing he wanted was for another member to have control of your facetime date.

“Seokjin hyung whines too much for his age y/n noona!” The deep bass of the voice made it clear that it was Taehyung who insulted Seokjin.

“Taehyung-ah!” He switched the camera to point directly at Taehyung who was lounging comfortably across of Seokjin. Taehyung formed a V with his fingers and placed them beneath his eyes and smiled at you.

“Be nice, Tae.” You giggle, failing to focus on your note taking. Watching Taehyung and Seokjin and bicker seemed more important at the moment.

“This kid spends way too much time in Gucci stores..” Seokjin kept the focus on Taehyung who continued to pose for the camera. “See babe? Look at him. It’s like I’m flying with a Gucci ambassador.”

You observe Taehyung’s entire outfit—everything from head to toe looked extremely high end; even his travel bag was Gucci branded. In a way, you weren’t fully surprised because you’ve seen previous airport photos of the boys and Taehyung was always spotted with some form of Gucci item.

“Hm, wow,” was all you could reply with.

Seokjin snorted and faced the camera back to his face. “What do you mean ‘wow’? It is me who is your boyfriend.”

You laughed a lot louder than you anticipated because that wasn’t the answer you were expecting.

“No, babe. I mean, wow, as in wow he’s practically dripping in Gucci.” Seokjin’s expression seemed relieved and his next choice of words was strangely nothing out of the ordinary.

“But I’m dripping in 100% natural handsomeness and perfection, so who’s the real winner here?”

Typical.

You playfully scoff and shake your head.

“Ugh. Hyung, please.” Taehyung spoke off camera.

Despite having to clock in more hours of studying, watching the blurry image of Seokjin play fighting with his younger brothers seemed to outweigh the motivation to do work.

♡ rae jagi

[zinezoned]

FSociety

I’m a fan of Mr. Robot and I don’t mean to disrespect what their fsociety means. But for the sake of my argument today, FSociety means the fuck boys and the fuck girls of this world. I never really cared about them. I know a lot of them, some were my friends but I never gave any fuck about what their preferences are when it comes to situationships or whatever the fuck they want to call it… until last night.

For some people, I might seem like a decent girl who has high standards when it comes to men. For some that know me better than the average people, I’m an idealistic and misanthropic weird bitch with a heart and knows what she deserves and won’t settle for less. But to me, I’m just a normal human being who wants to find even just one person that I can truly connect with from the shallowness of my quirks, to the deepest of my darkness. In current situation of our modern life, finding that one person is like finding an island to own: it can be possible but requires a hell lot of money, resources, and most importantly, power.

Let us proceed to the subject of our topic today. Let’s call this guy Trooper. I met Trooper back in 2015, but I never really got to know him very well until last year. If you disregard the narcissistic dumb asshole who I briefly went out with about a couple of months ago, he’s the only guy I have dated after my last relationship. Initially, I refused to call them dates, but to him, they were and so let’s just call it that way. The first date we had was exactly 3 months after I broke up with my ex. It was nothing, he was actually late for about 3 hours and I just really wanted to have someone to go out with me to a photography event. He was cool and something about him resonated with my weird self. So we dated a few more times. We also kept chatting, mostly on a daily basis. I know that I like him. Maybe a lot more than I had initially intended to. But I know I can’t fall further for him because of some qualities I find in him that doesn’t really align with what I want. But nevertheless, I like him a lot. I find myself looking forward to checking my Facebook, even though I hate that site, because he might have sent me a message or tag or a comment. He gets me more than anyone I know at this point of my life. He knows when I’m being sarcastic and when I’m being a tad melodramatic. He’s very funny and mind-blowing at the same time. And that’s exactly what I yearn for: a guy that can give me mind-blowing conversations before I let him give me mind-blowing orgasms. Our conversations are usually an even rhythm of punchline after punchline.. until last night.

Last night, I had a plan. Let’s insert this guy we’ll call AF, as in Athletic Fuccboi. I met AF I think beginning of February. We have common friends and I met him when we went on a trip to their hometown. After that, we’ve been chatting on FB for a month and then he just stopped replying to me. Zero fucks were given about it since I was never really attracted to him to begin with. I was just playing nice and keeping him in my so-called “roster” for practice’s sake. Anyway, he started to chat me up again about a week ago. I thought, well, this guy’s quite persistent. He kept asking me out and such so I finally gave in. He setup a ramen date for us next month when he comes back in the city. I was thinking, if he has to remain in my roster of practice guys, I have to up my interest enough so remains on his seat. I was never really interested in him, so I had to pretend. Maybe he wasn’t so bad, maybe it’s good to give him a chance. I even hinted on our common friend that I had developed quite an interest in him. But all the while, all of it was because of Trooper. You see, a few months ago, Trooper told me he’s going out with other girls, too. Any girl actually, whether they are single or not. Of course, I got upset although I didn’t show it, because I wanted him to see me as someone different, too, but to him I was only just another girl he dates. So my weak side thought, well, if he’s going out with other girls, there’s no way I should let him be the only guy I go out with. So I entertain other guys whenever there’s a chance. But last night, my plan was to let him know about AF and his dick plans of bringing me to some far off place just the two of us, and how he kept calling me babe which was an annoyingly lame ass term by the way, actually worse than bae! Ugh! Anyway, I wanted to see how he’d react. I was hoping he’d get a bit jealous, but no. He was on fire. He went on and on with his perspective and his experience with girls that I was so mind-fucked I could barely respond. I should have known he has the fuccboi logic no matter how much he claims he’s not hurting anyone because he’s the one being used as opposed to him using other girls. But he still used those girls to immediately satisfy what he wants. Propagating the vicious cycle of people using/hurting other people for immediate gratification, self-validation, and making the term “hustle” sound like such a lame ass word. And here I thought he was different, that he’s idealistic, maybe authentic. But he was just as corrupted as everyone else. He said he has the I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, but I wanted to tell him we don’t need to fuck just about anyone just to prove it. I wanted to tell him I had so much hope for him. If a good guy like him, kind, funny, witty, smart, weird and interesting could be corrupted by the hook up way of modern society, what hope is there left for the rest of the guys out there? At that moment, a small part of me felt like it died. For once I wanted to play his game, but I still ended up losing. I was powerless against his own truths. All this time I was so busy being so fucking distracted by all the superficials and the mediocrities of this world only to be awakened that I was the only one holding on to this particular idea that I had all along. The idea that he’s different.

So I decided to drop AF asap. At first I thought I’d just block him from Messenger but realized that’s such a wimp thing to do. If I want to remove someone, I remove them all the way. So I did, both in FB and IG. I did the same thing to the other fuccboi I met before AF. I don’t have to type a word to send a cold hard message. As for Trooper, I don’t have to kill his presence. After all, we’re good friends. All I have to kill is this weird attachment and idealization I have of him. I woke up earlier with this hollow feeling that things aren’t the same anymore and I have no other choice but to live with it. Tomorrow, I’ll wake up, I’ll carry on and try again. I don’t have to swim where I don’t belong. But I hope that somehow, one of these days, I’ll find a genuinely good man no matter how fucked up the world has been. And I hope he won’t give up, too, just like what I’m doing now.

[mbrl]

a giant update!

 posted first here bc yolo

roadmap-

the stuff i bought from forever 21 today c:

other stuff i did today!

closing the chapter to january (the worst month i’ve had to deal with for awhile?)

things i look forward to in the future: march, april, may, summer.

oh my god i got really cute things from forever 21!! finally ordered a white/light grey windbreaker with swordfish pattern all over it for $20. also got white dolphin shorts (like dolphin style, not literal dolphins) with rainbow stripes on the side. and a dark-ish pink/blush off the shoulder dress with ties on the arm.. it’s kind of weird but was on sale for valentines day & idk how off the shoulder styles look on me... we’ll see ig! it’s really cute and flowy. and another dress, but maroon and long sleeve and floral, kind of in a baby doll fit. it’s lowkey mockneck so the reviews are like help i can’t fit my head through but .. hopefully it fits! there’s some really small lace parts on the sleeve :). and a white flowy vneck top with a bunch of pink flowers on it and a tie in the front. bell-ish sleeves with lace on the upper shoulders and parts of the back! oo and a light weight grey hoodie with kinda cheesy but still cool cool-toned floral embroidery on the hood. it’s p unique but the quality probably sucks and isn’t soft. lastly a peach mid-maxi skirt that has some sheer parts for the bottom half!! it’s like those ballet rehearsal skirts style. 

okay clearly i really like dresses and i think i’m going to start wearing more pink/color because i’m totally over winter in general and how drab that season is. honestly just light warm colors that kind of are reminiscent of furniture fabric/granny aesthetic is totally my vibe. like i want to look like i don’t give a fuck, but not in an emo way but more in a.... idk. i actually don’t know how to explicate my vibe but its like laid back and californian and whatever. hypebeast/grandma/passionate napper/hiker/couch appearance :) also i’m really happy to just sorta word dump and get my thoughts out again because they’re finally good vibes and i feel super excited to share it with my ... laptop screen & whoever’s reading! like getting outta funks is so nice and lowkey reminiscent of a few months ago when i finally got over this stupid boy

anyway okay. today i woke up at 9-10ish because i slept at 3am yesterday :( i felt really weird (ig you can describe as anxious) because of something i did, and i tried to do that thing where i imagined trump spouting all the self hate/angsty vibes i was telling myself, but i didn’t really purge the angst all that much. also i had taken a nap after school + drank boba the day before... (and 2 days before then i slept at 2 bc i had half a cup of green tea in the evening...) also i got angry at myself that i couldn’t sleep because it’s just annoying. it’s 12 am right now and i didn’t take any naps today but i’ll definitely be content & ready to sleep after i right this. so after i woke up, i spent like a few hours cleaning out my room-- i fixed the organization of my desk drawers so it could be more efficient and less cluttered. also the night before when i couldn’t sleep, i hung up all my clothes so that was nice. then in the early afternoon, i finished math hw (literally had 2 problems left, one of which i didn’t know how to do....) and did some japan bowl studying! i also started chatting hella people to ask for interest regarding a possible speaker event that intersections (my social justice club) is hosting... it’s about asian american health disparities, so i got 9 total clubs interested??? now i gotta email the presenter to update them but i’ll do that tomorrow. then from 3-5pm i had a really fun japan bowl meeting that was super untoxic and just productive. this year we have less frequent meetings, but i think we spend the biweekly meetings with... healthier vibes. it’s a lot more fun, and honestly no amount of shame expedites self-studying better than just having a safe and nice environment. we did some practice rounds & i knew the answers to some questions!!! it was fun. i’ll definitely be studying more ahahah this week’s meeting was kind of a throw away but it was good bonding? we also did reading practice.

then i went on tumblr/online shopped/youtubed for 2 hours or smtg..then finished bio hw (3 sections of notes!!!!) while watching gaming streams after eating dinner. then chilled and took a shower, went on tumblr some more, and here i am now! i feel like i didn’t do much but whatever. it’s okay to be leisurely and like.. i just have a worksheet for aplac and a few emails to write tmrw, and i guess that’s it? chill weekend.

okay queue the giant cbt paragraphs:

january was a giant mess mainly because of tasp application... it’s hard for me to take the experiences that i know are invaluable in building my character, and trying to relay that in a effective, understandable way. it made me feel secure because it was almost like i was selling myself/commodifying my experiences, but i was doing it in the course of a 3-4 weeks. it was annoying when i got the diction and syntax just how i wanted it, only for my editor to be like no this is weird. it’s weird to have someone who doesn’t know you try to word your experiences and push you into a template. thank god said editor actually got fired and isn’t my college counselor-- now i have this really tall and goofy friendly white guy (who majored in sociology so you can imagine he’s not the typical yt).

another thing was just friend stuff, but not in a way that points a finger specifically to anyone, it’s just... junior year will literally suck the life out of people and push them to extremes. for me, when i needed support from my friends, it’s not like i could receive it-- partly this is just normal though because normally i don’t confide in them anyway because my life is pretty easy anyway. most of the time/100% of the time i’m initiating the how-are-you type thing and listening to rants and giving advice or playing devil’s advocate or trying to empathize and validate. and when i needed someone to do that for me, i didn’t know how to ask for it? and my friends wouldn’t have the capacity to care for me bc i don’t think they actually know the background of my problems that well. i mean only i really know that and that’s fine bc it’s not really practical for other people to take the time to (1) understand and, (2) care... also it’s not worth it to me to expend the emotional labor explaining to someone. so this really isn’t to sound self sacrificing, it’s just that i consciously don’t expect my friends to be my therapist, but since i have amateur skills & pretty decent emotional intelligence, i’m glad to take that role for my friends. this just blows up in my face every once in awhile when my own problems resurface or smtg and i just turn inward and whatever. thank god it’s over!!! that was basically my january.

someone i kinda know also had something really egregious happen to them. and i can’t talk about it bc i’m making this post public bc i want a record of this on my studyblr blog. anyway i was alone in helping this person with the egregious thing because it’s not the kind of thing i can share (it’s not my story) and also sharing the information can force people to do things that ... wouldn’t be favorable. the stress from that time made me really upset for a few days and i was so angry that the egregious thing even happened, and i’m definitely not the person to get angry.

also had to get my physical for track from this gross pervert of a doctor who uses a stethoscope to touch breasts :\ and i felt really disgusting and gross and it happened and just yuck so cringe ijaijsf don’t wnat to talk about it

ugh okay another thing that i recently came to realize is that fat is really underrated in attractiveness because flab plausibly makes for super comfortable cuddling? basically other than in the context of a fatphobic society (and this isn’t to thin shame), there’s nothing definitively more beautiful about sharp angles or hard muscles compared to soft curves? someone i sit next to in a class wears hoodies and sweatpants almost everyday and they just look like a pillow/perfect big spoon. okay but at the same time food angst and body image stuff is lowkey resurfacing, but in a really lowkey way against myself :(. part of the reason why i got angry last night at myself was because i didn’t like how i drank boba at such a late time, and how i was basically on a sugar high at 2am. so i’m trying to limit my processed food intake as a means of control. i’m pretty safe from relapsing into fullblown AN but a lot of shame associated with certain foods is still there. also i still dislike my thighs and back flab and i didn’t run hard enough to be ready for track and i feel really out of shape :(

a few days ago i went volunteering and was utterly exhausted and not in the mood of being understanding. i don’t think i was being impatient, but i was being more curt than usual when working with somebody. i was really annoyed and dwelling on my irritation and letting it consume me. on the car ride home, i was thinking through all the reasons why i could be so pissy, so i had to think through all this angst and grossness in january. i was always hoping that i was just pmsing when i was feeling especially down during that month, but i think the stress made me skip that month :\ so idk where my period or pms went but goddamn ig i was just especially moody that month if hormones can’t explain it lol

during january, intersections was passed and that was such a big victory. but i didn’t really care about it. i honestly didn’t even want to do anything for it or hope that i’d go well. part of insecurity for me is that i doubt myself so much (sUBCONSCIOUSLY, which is especially annoying bc idk what i actually feel half the time) that i get frustrated easily.

but the stress of the summer app and distancing myself from the stressful things has allowed me to recover, and i’m really happy and my normal self (which i’m really happy about!!!) i’ve literally been writing for 40 min so i’m going to start doing lists for the remaining stuff i said i’d write about

things i look forward to!

feb: planning for intersections, week of break = cramming for jbowl, light school work load

march: starting my club, leadership conference i’m part of, almost time for jbowl

april: jbowl!, spring break, api healthcare disparities presentation?

may: giant speaker event with an alumnus possibly?

summer: lead a free program for low income students around where i live? there’s a lotta red tape and logistics that come with this one though... will be thinking about it for a long time.

okay i’m sleepy bye