#housepoor

[mysmartcousin]

How to Improve Your Financial Health When You're House Poor

​​Being house poor is a common situation where individuals or families find themselves spending a significant portion of their income on homeownership costs, leaving little room for other expenses. This can lead to financial stress and limit the ability to save for the future. If you're in this situation, don't worry—there are steps you can take to improve your financial health when you're house poor.

Assess Your Financial Situation

The first step in improving your financial health when you're house poor is to take a detailed look at your finances.

Track Your Income and Expenses

Create a budget that tracks all your income and expenses. This will help you see where your money is going and identify areas where you can cut back. Include all household expenses, mortgage payments, utilities, groceries, transportation, and other regular costs.

Evaluate Your Debt

Assess your debt, including your mortgage, credit cards, and any other loans. Understanding the full scope of your financial obligations will help you create a more effective plan for improving your financial health when you're house poor.

Reduce Monthly Expenses

Once you have a clear picture of your finances, look for ways to reduce your monthly expenses. This can free up money to help you achieve better financial health when you're house poor.

Cut Unnecessary Spending

Review your budget and identify non-essential expenses that can be eliminated or reduced. This might include dining out, subscription services, or entertainment costs. Redirecting this money towards more critical financial goals can make a significant difference.

Negotiate Lower Bills

Contact your service providers to negotiate lower rates on utilities, insurance, and other recurring bills. Often, companies are willing to work with you to keep your business, and you can save a substantial amount each month.

Refinance Your Mortgage

If interest rates have dropped since you purchased your home, consider refinancing your mortgage. A lower interest rate can significantly reduce your monthly payments, improving your financial health when you're house poor.

Increase Your Income

Boosting your income is another effective way to improve your financial health when you're house poor. Here are some strategies to consider:

Find a Side Hustle

Consider taking on a part-time job or freelance work to increase your income. This additional income can be used to pay down debt, build an emergency fund, or save for future goals.

Rent Out a Room

If you have extra space in your home, consider renting out a room to generate additional income. This can help offset the costs of homeownership and improve your financial situation.

Sell Unused Items

Declutter your home and sell items you no longer need. Online marketplaces and garage sales can help you turn unused belongings into cash, which can be used to boost your financial health when you're house poor.

Build an Emergency Fund

An emergency fund is essential for improving your financial health when you're house poor. It provides a safety net for unexpected expenses and helps prevent further financial strain.

Set a Savings Goal

Determine how much you need to save in your emergency fund. A good rule of thumb is to have three to six months' worth of living expenses set aside. Start small if necessary and gradually increase your savings over time.

Automate Savings

Set up automatic transfers from your checking account to your savings account. This ensures that you're consistently contributing to your emergency fund and making progress towards your savings goal.

Seek Professional Advice

If you're struggling to improve your financial health when you're house poor, consider seeking professional advice. Financial advisors can provide personalized guidance and help you create a plan to achieve your financial goals.

Financial Planning

A financial planner can help you develop a comprehensive financial plan that addresses your unique situation. They can assist with budgeting, debt management, investment strategies, and more.

Credit Counseling

Credit counseling services can help you manage your debt and improve your credit score. They can also provide education on financial management and assist with creating a debt repayment plan.

Conclusion

Improving your financial health when you're house poor requires careful planning, disciplined spending, and proactive strategies to increase your income. By assessing your financial situation, reducing expenses, increasing income, building an emergency fund, and seeking professional advice, you can regain control of your finances and reduce the stress of being house poor. Remember, taking small steps can lead to significant improvements over time.

For more tips and guidance on achieving financial wellness, visit mysmartcousin and explore our resources on improving your financial health when you're house poor.

[usnewsper-business]

First-Time Homebuyers: Avoid Costly Mistakes and Find Your Dream Home #appraisals #budget #closingcosts #commonmistakes #creditscore #FHAloans #firsttimehomebuyers #homeinspection #housepoor #inspections #insurance #InterestRates #lackofknowledge #localamenities #location #longtermcommitment #maintenance #mortgage #neighborhood #preapproval #propertytaxes #proximitytowork #repairs #researchprograms #schooldistrict #statespecificprograms #unexpectedexpenses #USDAloans #VAloans

[budgetwidsom]

6 Signs You're House Poor And How to Deal With It

[isa-ah]

hanging out at ur housepoor friends place for movie night and he won’t stop making out w ur buddy

[mymetric360]

What is the definition of being "house poor"? What does "house poor" mean? Can someone explain this term? #housepoor #definition #understanding Have you ever heard of the term "house poor" but aren't quite sure what it means? Let's dive into this concept together to gain a better understanding. Definition of "House Poor" "Hous poor" refers to a situation where a person or family spends a significant portion of their income on housing expe... Read more: https://mymetric360.com/question/what-is-the-definition-of-being-house-poor/?feed_id=59591

[tradedmiami]

SALE IMAGE: Michelle Thomson & Laura Andrassy DATE: 12/07/2023 ADDRESS: 167 Dunbar Road MARKET: Palm Beach ASSET TYPE: Single Family BUYER: HousePoor LLC SELLER: Laura Andrassy BROKERS: Michelle Thomson (@MichelleThomson) - Coldwell Banker (@CBRealtyForida); Morgan Dillavou - Florida Living Realty (@FloridaLivingRealty_HobeSound) SALE PRICE: $24,290,000 SF: 7,514 ~ PPSF: $3,233 NOTE: Laura Andrassy, ex-wife of golfer Greg Norman, has sold her custom-built Palm Beach home at 167 Dunbar Road for $24.29 million to HousePoor LLC. The West Indies-style residence, purchased in 2010 for $3.25 million, features five bedrooms and a bar-and-lounge, and was listed at $28 million, ultimately selling for $1.7 million less than the recorded deed price. #Miami #RealEstate #tradedmia #MIA #GregNorman #PalmBeach #SingleFamily #MorganDillavou #FloridaLivingRealty #MichelleThomson #ColdwellBanker #LauraAndrassy

[mikebolger1]

How much of a mortgage can you afford? If you don't know then I recommend that you check out my latest blog. People who can afford their mortgage payments but cannot afford anything else are called House Poor. Buying a home that you can't afford will place significant restraints on your financial life. Here are some tips that can prepare you to find a house that you can realistically afford. Click the link for all the details. If you are looking for a KW realtor to help you with finding a home within your budget, contact Mike Bolger. I can also help connect you with a mortgage professional to get you a mortgage that works for you. Call Mike Bolger at (519) 616-2656. http://j.mp/2DPfL8y

[starrwulfe]

Meet the newly #housepoor Gatewoods!! #achievementunlocked🔓 #firsttimehomebuyer (at Weissman Real Estate) https://www.instagram.com/starrwulfe/p/CXUiPhmr6Vg/?utm_medium=tumblr

[hahaitzskippy]

Coming soon!!!! Just signed the contract for our new home. OMG!!! Another milestone in life. __________________________ #homeowner #milestone #IrvinePacific #Irvine #PortolaSprings #HousePoor #JnJFunTimes #FiftyShadesofGreysonTran #AdventuresofSawyerTran (at Portola Springs, Irvine) https://www.instagram.com/p/B2IRjOhBuYP/?igshid=do9yyd0umh8e

[1stchoicebhl]

Tips to keep you from becoming "house poor"

www.1stChoiceBHL.com

[usnewsper-business]

First-Time Homebuyers: Avoid Costly Mistakes and Find Your Dream Home #appraisals #budget #closingcosts #commonmistakes #creditscore #FHAloans #firsttimehomebuyers #homeinspection #housepoor #inspections #insurance #InterestRates #lackofknowledge #localamenities #location #longtermcommitment #maintenance #mortgage #neighborhood #preapproval #propertytaxes #proximitytowork #repairs #researchprograms #schooldistrict #statespecificprograms #unexpectedexpenses #USDAloans #VAloans

[millielandis]

Still in-progress (will be for a while!), but things are finding their places AND WE'RE COOKING AGAIN. #hungry #housepoor #diy #makingprogress #missedmystuff

[littlemahmah]

12 years ago today I became the proud owner of a 15 year debt called a mortgage. When I walked into this little condo after two years of searching, I just knew that this would be my nest! It’s had some renovations and seen lots of different neighbours, and don’t even get me started about my conflicts with my Strata, but there isn’t a day where I regret paying her mortgage. Happy Mortgage anniversary Chateau Mah Mah!! #notjustbricksandmortar #home #ilivehere #mortgage #housepoor #nest #thankful #almostatthefinishline #ijustknew (at Fairfield)

[traciedemars]

Pre-approvals....what you need to know,   Upcoming Free (& non-promotional) Home Buyer Classes: Saturday, September 22nd, from 12pm-3pm (ish)        Vancouver YMCA, conference room        11324 NE 51st Circle, Vancouver WA (corner of SR500 & Gher Road/112th Ave) Saturday, October 6th , from 9am-12pm (ish)       Marshall Community Center, conference room       1009 E. McLoughlin Blvd, Vancouver WA (kitty corner from Clark College) Saturday, October 20th, from 5pm-8pm (ish)      Marshall Community Center, conference room      1009 E. McLoughlin Blvd, Vancouver WA (kitty corner from Clark College) If these class dates and/or times don't work for you, please let us know.  We understand that you have lives, and families, and work.  We will work something out that works better with your schedule.  Just let us know....                                                                                  ....we also have home seller classes available too...link on left on website                  Remember...with reservation...we will throw in lunch, or dinner!  :-D ~~~~~~~~~Happy ...well, whatever day it is!   What a month!  Yesterday, my youngest child started 3rd grade. I think I have started and stopped this email about 4 times in the last couple of weeks, but what with everything going on...  it kind of went on the back burner.   It's a different world from when I went to school... when I was at school, teachers had the last word on everything.  If a teacher called home, you were in trouble....if a teacher needed something...  it happened.  When my older kids were young, teachers still got what they needed …  now, I am not going to lie to you... I did have it out with my older daughters high school principal a few times!  Teachers though...  teachers I have the utmost respect for them.  When I was young, I wanted to be a teacher... I wanted to teach high school history and English. Yep, that was my goal when I was young... not a singer or a movie star... a teacher!  Of course, I am not a teacher... I am a Realtor, but I still teach....and I still help.    So, here we are...  another school year started, and all of the sudden we are in the last trimester of the year.  So here's to 'Happy Hallowthankmas' period time.     So this week let's talk about the what the steps are to buying a home?  This is where it gets crazy because most of us just don't know....you just kind of 'fall into it'...  You meet up with someone, and like a whirlwind romance, next thing you know you are in a 30 year commitment called a mortgage loan!     So....if you are thinking about buying a home, what are your steps?  What do you need to know before you start?     Well, that is what the Free Home Buyer Education Classes are for!  ....that, and this weekly blog anyhow!  :-D   The first step to buying a home is the home buyer education classes.     Did you know that more people will get education when buying a car than when buying a home? The classes are non-promotional, free, and meant to give home buyers a head start on the information they need to buying a home, and taking advantage of the state loan programs that are out there to HELP people buy a home!    Real Estate & Lending is all about 'verbiage' as we are 'taught' scripts to make things sound good for you, when in actuality...it may not be that great at all.  We do go over all of that, and try to make everything as clear as possible considering it starts off as mud.  :-)  As instructors of the classes we are volunteers, so while we HOPE that you will call us to help  you with your homebuying adventure, by no means do you have to.  :-)Buying a home, especially your first home, is such a big thing that sometimes it is hard to wait when we get the bug.  Buying a home is still the American dream, and gives us roots in a community.  It is the place where we raise our children, plant our gardens, paint our rooms, and show our personality.  A house isn't just a place of four walls and a door, but a home....and a place of dreams.  Knowing all of this as we do, when it comes to buying a home, patience isn't always our biggest virtue!    :-D     The second step in the home buying process is talking with a lender to  help you get pre-approved for a loan.     The reason why we say that talking to a lender is your second step is because while you don't go grocery shopping without knowing how much is in your bank account, you should never go looking at homes without knowing how much you can afford.  A lenders job is to pre-approve you for as much as they can, but that doesn't always mean that you can, or that you should, spend that much on purchasing a home.  We all have lives, and you don't want to be housepoor.  Make sure that you know your budget, and what is a comfortable amount for you to spend monthly on a mortgage.  Remember to make sure that you have enough for small things like eating out (ok....if you have my family it isn't a 'small' thing at all to eat out!), going to the movies, maybe going on a family trip....and let's not forget buying groceries and gas!  Also...as a homeowner, now you have other additional expenses and potential repairs to put aside for.  I always tell all my clients to put aside some money from every check into a 'special' account at a banking institution that you don't regularly frequent.  Maybe it is a credit union across town that is only open for 4 hours a day, but make sure you don't have a checkbook or a debit card for it.  It doesn't have to be a lot of money....maybe only $10-$20 per check, but this is your 'rainy day' fund...or really, the funds for any home repairs that will, eventually, come up.  Being a home owner does mean being prepared for home repairs that always happen at the worst possible time!  Home Warranties really are your best friend when buying a home...and yes, this is different than Homeowners Insurance (aka Hazard Insurance).  That will be a topic for another week. :-)     The rule of thumb though is to make sure that when you are looking for homes, after you get pre-approved, to make sure you are looking at homes with your buyers agent that you can afford, and not max out your budget!     Remember that not all lenders can access the downpayment assistance loans, so make sure that you are going through someone who can.  If you have any questions about that, please feel free to call, or email, Chris Berg @ Pinnacle Mortgage...503-320-0925 (he is local), and cberg@pcmloan.com .       When getting pre-approved, make sure to ask your lender if your pre-approval has already gone through the manual underwriters.  We are seeing more, and more people lately who, thinking they are pre-approved, go out and find a home, only to find out days before signing, that the manual underwriters are declining their loan!  This is terrible as this means that this family who have already packed up, given notice, and are ready to move....now have no loan, and therefore, no home!  I don't want that to happen to any of my clients, so as a buyers agent, when I am speaking with a lender, I always ask their lender if the buyers loan approval was sent to the manual underwriter, or if it is just a computer approval.  Having your pre-approval go through the manual underwriters, instead of just a computer approval, does take some more time, usually up to a week more, but in the end it is always better to be safe rather than sorry!     Please remember that your pre-approval is only good for 90 days, and yes, you will have to update it at the end of the process...usually when your file goes to underwriting for the final documents to sign.  Please continue to pay your bills (on time), please do not change work hours, please do not go out and buy appliances, do not get a personal loan for 'stuff for the house', do not go buy a car/truck/boat/etc.  If you have any questions, please talk with your lender first as all of these things can cause your loan to be declined...at the final step....which is awful for everyone.  Your pre-approval is NOT set in stone....  A pre-approval is a snap-shot of your 'current' financial situation, and if that changes...so can your pre-approval.  Your financial situation will be looked at by a myriad of different people, and scrutinized about 2-3 times by the underwriters...which are actually the people with the power.  Please remember to talk with your lender and real estate agent...we are here to help!  :-)     A pre-approval is good for a monthly mortgage payment amount...not a purchase price.  Your interest rate can not be locked in until about 30-45 days from closing/keys.  What this means is that the interest rate you are quoted at the time of pre-approval is merely a 'guesstimate'.  This part is always a bit strange, but your lender can't even start your actual loan process until you have a signed around contract on a home...signed (and agreed to) by the person with the legal authority to sell that home.  If interest rates go up in the process of buying your home, and your rate is not locked in, then your monthly mortgage payment will change...and so can your pre-approval.     Your buyers agent, and your lender should work together, and communicate with each other to help you through this process!  I know I say this all the time, but we work for YOU!  By working together we help you achieve your goal of your own home where you can kick your shoes off, turn on some football (ok, maybe that is just my house!), and relax!  A buyers agent and a lender should work together as a team, communicating with each other, and with you, every step of the way....that is what we are here for!  :-)   I also asked Chris Berg for some information on this email...There are three forms of approvals that you will see when you purchase a home. Prequalification, preapproval, and approval. A prequalification is not worth the paper it's printed on and most if not all sellers will not except a prequalification when you make an offer on a home. The reason for this is that a prequalification is basically just checking your credit but not verifying income or down payment or any of the other thousand things that can go wrong during the transaction. A preapproval covers all the things they seller needs to see. Not only does it verify your credit but also verifies your income, tax returns, W-2s, down payment, employment and address history, and rent payments. A preapproval is what you need in order to make an offer on a home. An approval is generally not achieved until you were under contract on a home. It verifies all the items in a preapproval but also includes the appraisal and preliminary title report on all borrowers and sellers. In order to get a preapproval you need to bring your lender your last two years tax returns, W-2s, last 30 days pay stubs, ID, and two months bank statements if you have a down payment. If you are seriously considering buying a home a preapproval, with most lenders, will not cost you any money and will allow you to deal with any issues well before you spend the money to make an offer on a home. No animals were harmed during the writing of this email. Thank you,  Chris BergMortgage Advisor with Pinnacle Capital MortgageMLO-198082503-320-0925 cellCberg@pcmloan.com Information is power,  and as always...May the odds be ever in your favor out there....  If you are looking for a real estate agent, I would love to be able to help you.  If you have any questions, or comments please get a hold of me anytime.  You can call, text, email, or even facebook me.  Please remember that while I mean these emails/blogs to be helpful, and educational, I am still hoping that you will call, or email me as I would be honored to help you with your home buying, or home selling adventure!  :-)    As always....this is just a quick overview.... again...and I can't say this enough...please remember that your agent is NOT a salesperson, and should not be acting like one.  Real Estate is not really about houses, it is about relationships.  Your agent, and your lender work for YOU.  You drive the bus...we are merely GPS to help you get to your goals.  Like the classes, this weekly blog email is to help you with your home adventure.  The goal is to be informative and non-promotional.  :-)  We are, however, hoping you will call and want us to help with your adventure.   Thank you again for your business and your referrals!!  ...and thank you for referring these classes to your friends, family, and co-workers.   ....disclaimer...if you have already purchased a home, or would no longer like to receive these emails, please let me know and I will be happy to remove you from any further mailings...   Upcoming Topics: What do I need to buy a home, Hiring a Realtor...questions to ask, What if I don't have a Down Payment? .....  &....What does an Agent do for me? Debt to Income Ratios....What is this? Last Week:  Why take a home buyers (or sellers) class? Have a great day, and I will talk to you soon,   ;-D   Tracie DeMars   Real Estate broker   Re/Max - Van Mall   360/ 903-3504 cell   360/ 882-3600 fax   www.traciedemars.com   traciedemars@aol.com       “Interested in free and non promotional home education classes?  Go to www.freehomebuyerclasses.com for local upcoming home buyer and home SELLER classes, or facebook: Tracie DeMars Real Estate for my home buyer education blog.” "Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be."       - Shel Silverstein, American poet, cartoonist and composer, (1930 - 1999

[thisfamilylifewelive]

Can you #afford your #home?⁣ ⁣ I saw a post on here recently asking for #adviceandtips because they we're #building their #firsthouse. The #firstthought that popped into my head is "Can they afford their home?". ⁣ ⁣ I think that's the #bestadvice I can give any aspiring #newhomeowner - Don't be #housepoor. Afterall, #whatatters is NOT how #bigthehouse is, it's how #happy the #home is. #whoneedsacastleanyway 😏⁣ ⁣ 📸 taken inside @minieuropeofficial - the details on this #miniaturecastle is amazing! ⁣ ⁣ #YYCFamily #YYCMoms #YYCDads #YYCFamilyBlog #YYCFamilyTravels #YYCFamilyAdventures #WhereWeRoam #PartOfYourOwlrd #FinanceFriday #FamilyAdventures #FamilyTravels #FamilyFinance #OrganizedFamily #BusyFamily — view on Instagram https://ift.tt/35kfMx5

[localsadghoul]

vent post

This is full of abuse and drug triggers. I’ve tagged them all, but I really want to put that warning up first just in case. This is a really long, bleak, and overly complicated post. If you stick with me, thanks. If not, I understand. I just need to put this out on paper. I’ve been gaslit about my abuse my entire life, and if I don’t start putting it in words, eventually my abusers’ will win and these terrible memories will be erased and I will never feel valid in my suffering because of it. That’s somehow worse than the suffering itself.

I had a panic attack at school today. Nevermind this is my first semester back after five years, nevermind this brand new city i’m still adjusting to, nevermind my 50+ hour weeks at my new job; the point is I set expectations for myself that I wasn’t meeting, and it was killing me, and I had to leave before a mandatory attendance class. Often, when people post about their mental illnesses, specifically anxiety and depression, someone will comment on their thread “call your mother!” Call your mother. One of those go-to, “drink water” “exercise” “feel the sunshine” type pieces of advice to self-medicate. I know these are legitimate to some and that’s awesome. But to people like me, it’s bullshit.

And not because I’m some expert or elitist when it comes with medicating mental illnesses. I’m self-diagnosed, uninsured, and self-medicating. But, I do know my brain is not well, serotonin is missing, and my chemical balances would probably resemble the layout to a winning rollercoaster attraction if you mapped it out. Anyway, the reason is why it’s bullshit is because I can’t call my mother. Not because she’s dead, not because she doesn’t love me, but because I have to choose to not have a relationship with my mother.

There’s an entire history of emotional, mental, and on rare occasions physical abuse I could go into to describe what my mom, and her branch of family, has put me through. For a long time, I excused it. I really did. She was also not mentally well, dozens of doctors and series of medications had proved that to me. She’d spend days in her bedroom with all the lights off some weeks, others her abuse would intensify and it somehow always fell on me (or at least that’s how it felt). I was the youngest, which means as her mental illness progressed, I was the one receiving the worst of it.

A short background to my family; I have no full blooded brothers or sisters. I was raised in a nice, new house with five brothers and sisters from a few different combinations of parents. Despite us all coming from broken households, we had the recipe for a happy childhood. We were “housepoor”, and I later in life learned a lot of christmases happened thanks to various loan companies, but we were still happy. We all benefited from appearing middle class, white privilege, and regardless of blood, we had two parents. Kind of. My step dad is one of the greatest people on the planet. I call him Jerry and he’s just as much my dad as my biological dad is. So, further on, I won’t refer to him as my step dad, only as Jerry, because that’s who he is.

So, anyway, times passes, my siblings get older and start moving in and out of the house, my mom’s mental illnesses are winning as a result of her changing her medications, or doctors when hers wouldn’t prescribe the drugs she really wanted, or when she’d start a job and decide she didn’t like it and had a mental breakdown that would put her out of work or on disability or whatever; this caused inevitable unemployment and Jerry’s salary as a GM of a restaurant to support all six kids, my mother’s lifestyle, my siblings’ various unplanned babies, stints in rehab, evictions, divorces, incarcerations, etc. We were losing the house. Our house. I was the only kid left, and the only home my memory could remember was disappearing before my eyes. My aunt’s boyfriend was a realtor and by the time I was 13, my house was on the market and we were looking for two or three bedroom houses for rent for my mom, Jerry, and me.

At 13, I had been removed from all gifted programs as a result of my ADHD (which, to a 13 year old with no understanding of mental illnesses translated into me being too stupid to continue these programs I had loved and held pride in since I was 7, my only real accomplishment in my life at this point), I recently had come back to a trip from my home state, where my late father got arrested for a DUI, forcing my step mom to make the seven hour drive to get her kids’ (but because I was not biologically hers she felt no need to include me; i had to be transported to the Columbus airport to fly on a plane for the first time alone back home to Tennessee), and I was also losing my home; something I didn’t even really understand at the time was a monumental thing. 

At this point our house had been on the market for months, which caused a lot of conflict between Jerry and my mom and my aunt and her boyfriend, all of which put my grandparents, the only members of our family with any “money” (mostly just credit card debt) in a weird position. (Again, later in life I learned that a lot of my mother’s mental illnesses and abuse was passed down from her parents, my grandmother who is also addicted to all sorts of fun pills and my grandfather, who I never really learned much about but I think it has been alluded that he was a serial cheater and abusive towards my grandmother. Just a big cycle of poverty and abuse that stemmed from rural Ohio). My grandparents were at the house, everyone was really stressed out and tensions were high, and I was mad. I can’t remember why. At the time, and consistently my entire life into adulthood, I couldn’t keep a clean room. Ever. It’s a pretty common symptom of attention deficit disorders, but it infuriated my mother who was a very appearance based person. While we had store brand everything, she had a beautiful wardrobe, hundreds of dollars worth of makeup, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d assume she was the wife of a wealthy man and her only job in life was to look approachably beautiful. So, if I had to guess why I was mad at them and they were mad at me, it’s probably because while we were trying to stage the house in order to sell it, my room was probably a mess and they wouldn’t let me leave the house until it looked as nice as we pretended our family was. 

Jerry wasn’t home at the time. I think my sister, Devin, was, because she recalled some of this. Anyway, we got into a fight, I was a mad 13 year old who was dealing with hormones, feeling stupid, with the thought process that my beloved father was a deadbeat alcoholic, etc rinse repeat, right? I stormed upstairs to my room, but God, did I know better than to slam my door. I closed it behind me (also knowing better than to lock it behind me), but I was mad, and I felt it in my fingertips, and I wanted to slam that door but it was already closed and impulsive thoughts took over and I did the only thing my brain wanted me to do; which was simply to grunt and push my door with enough force to make a small thud sound. Imagine throwing a shoe at a closed door; enough to rattle it against the frame, but not enough to cause any actual damage to the structure itself. I was mad and my body wouldn’t hold it. I wanted to respect my mom and grandparents enough to not let the anger slip from my body but it did and it came out as a 120 pound teenager pushing her hands against a door.

But, a part of me knew better. Before the sounds of their feet racing up the stairs to my room even began, I curled into a defensive position on the floor. I knew what was going to happen. I challenged their egos, in whatever small way I did, I challenged them and they were going to win. A family of narcissists, and I dared demonstrate any amount of teenage angst. Within a matter of seconds, my bedroom door flung open, and before their swinging hands and legs (all three of them, my grandfather, grandmother, and mother) made contact with my body, I was already yelping and screaming for them to stop.

I don’t remember if the occurrence lasted five seconds or five minutes. I don’t remember if any of it left bruises. I don’t remember what was yelled at me, I think a combination of “don’t you ever disrespect us again” or something along those lines. I don’t remember what happened afterwards. Probably apologies, but whatever happened, it was enough for me to still love, adore, and look up to these people, my family, for almost another decade. 

Of course it didn’t stop there, and the older I got and the wider sense I had revealed a lot of my mother and her parents’ manipulation, drug addictions (including pill trading with my oldest sister and second oldest brother, who were both addicts as well). My mother threatened me with suicide, her self inflictions were rubbed into my face because it was “my fault”. Her relationship with Jerry declined and by the time I was seventeen, they were separated, and I was signing a lease on an apartment with no experience or knowledge of how to support myself.

Still, I tried. My mom got worse. She started dating men she met on the internet, including an ex-boyfriend of my oldest sister. She moved back to Ohio for a bit, back in with my grandparents. Social media was alive and well in my family, so anytime I would show signs of resentment towards my mom, I would get an instant message from my grandmother calling me a selfish, ungrateful brat, or sometimes she’d approach it with more kindness than that, more of a “it would really help your mom if you would just call her and tell her you love her.” My grandmother is not a cruel woman. Yeah, it occasionally reared its head out, but she saw herself as a provider, and wanted to mother us when our own mom couldn’t do it. Or that’s what I told myself at the time. She also threatened to shoot Jerry with a shotgun she claimed she was going to buy just for the occasion, but still I had to believe my grandmother at least was good. (She did profusely apologize for her threats, which doesn’t excuse it).

 God, if you looked at my family, you would never guess any of this. We look like a normal, middle class, diverse family. (Just a random observation, not really important to any of this.)

Between the ages of 17-21, it was a cycle of trying to love my mother, trying to grow our relationship, her disappointing me, me trying to care for myself and remove her from my life, and my grandparents forcing me back in. They’d occasionally send me $20 here and there for groceries, so out of survival I’d almost always did what they’d tell me.

It wasn’t until my dad died and my mother selfishly made it about her that I finally, FINALLY, drew the line. (Laughing at myself that it was protecting my dead dad, not caring for myself, that finally cut the cord.) In a rage, I finally typed out the longest, most brutal message I could really laying out all the damage she had done to me, including pleads to never contact me again, and hit send. Of course, what did we learn when I got my ass beat at thirteen for pushing a closed door? You never challenge narcissists. This is when the gaslighting really comes into play. She claimed all of the abuse never happened, my grandmother and grandfather start messaging me with “how dare you”s etc. Except, I wasn’t a dependent teenager anymore, I was a twenty two year old woman with a job, a purpose, and my own doors to slam and my own house to scream and yell in. The only thing I had to do to silence them was block all of them. And I did.

And it’s been nearly two years. Sure, they try and contact me occasionally, still gaslighting me that I was never actually abused, but also with apologies for having to experience /some/ level of unpleasantry because of the way they handled their mental illnesses. My life since then has been all about self-preservation in the biggest way. Of course, I am not free of their tendancies or behaviors, but I am conscious of them and I have a level of self control and education to stop myself before it causes the amount of pain they caused me and my siblings (I’m not the only one who faced the abuse, I’m just the only one willing to admit it because I don’t get my drugs from my mom or I choose to remain willfully ignorant with evil my family is capable of). But I’m struggling. I’m struggling through gen eds at a community college. I’m struggling to be a good partner, a good fried, a good ally. I’m struggling to exist with myself. I know mental illness is hereditary, but I also can’t stop myself from wondering nearly daily if I could be the kind of person I want to be without ever experiencing their fucked up version of “love”. Isn’t that what every kid of abuse ponders? Would I even hold myself up to the often unreachable standards that I do had I not endured them? 

I don’t know. All I know is, I’m an anxious, manic depressive “spaz” (as my family referred to me for years), and I won’t call my mother. It won’t make me feel better. The only love I need to learn to receive is self-love, because I’ve spent a lifetime neglecting it.

And if you can’t call your mom, if you can’t call your dad, if you can’t call a single family member because of their abuse; it’s not because you failed as a child. They failed you. I’ve got to remember that. We all do.