#how he wakes up still missing 3% of his memory further emphasizing that part of him never did wake up and leave the pod

[daylighteclipsed]

Thinking again about the end of CoM as a metaphor for repressing trauma vs facing it to heal and grow as a person and I really just

It really does feel intentional that what Sora goes through in CoM — losing his memories and almost losing himself — is a lot like what Sora describes being a heartless was like: “I was lost in the darkness. I couldn’t find my way. As I stumbled through the dark, I started forgetting things — my friends, who I was… The darkness almost swallowed me.”

Both halves of CoM are visual representations of what Sora and Riku each went through when they fell/almost fell to darkness in KH1. Riku’s memories are devoid of people because he cast them from his heart. Sora’s memories are full of people he forgets because he sacrificed his heart. And if we are supposed to see CoM as a near-death journey/an exploration of the unconscious, it is pretty on point for Marluxia to have a grim reaper aesthetic. Sora’s battling death.

Anyway, that’s why Data Sora’s decision to accept the loss of the memories of his friends and face that pain in Coded, live with it, is so significant.

Because that’s what the real Sora failed to do in the real Castle Oblivion. He never should’ve forgotten what happened there. He should’ve accepted those losses — and the pain attached to them — knowing that even if he can’t remember his friends, they remember him. Even if he doesn’t know them, he remembers caring about them. And even if he can’t recall specific memories, they’re not gone. He’ll remember them, some day. And in the meantime, the people he loves will help him shoulder the burden.

In a figurative sense, Sora has never left Castle Oblivion because he’s never accepted this pain. He has never moved on past this point, unlike Riku who decides to face Ansem, the representation of his trauma, and leave the castle, leave the darkness, to begin walking the road to dawn — the road to recovery. Sora’s still there, still under that dark night sky.

And now, after sacrificing himself again, there’s a very real chance he’s forgetting things and losing himself again, and surprise, surprise — look where he is.

Tied to a new character whose name means “night sky” to boot… Trauma has a way of biting us in the butt when we don’t deal with it properly. The past has a way of chaining us when we don’t move forward… Sora’s gonna have to do it right this time. He’s gonna have to face his pain and accept it if he wants to step forward into the light and exist again.

[uwua3]

#3. bus ride confessions

♡ settsu banri + happy ending ♡

for ☆: sunnii (thank you so much!!!)

notes ♡: i loved writing this !!! taking a more considerate, gentle approach to banri’s usual fiesty side was such a gamble but i loved how it turned out! banri having a soft spot for his childhood crush is TT i #Love Him ,,, please enjoy~

game concept: forgotten childhood friends, new friendships, rekindling, school

music ♪: windows down – big time rush

Bus rides had only become bearable because of your unofficial seatmate.

By no means did you know the kid’s name, although it laid on the tip of your tongue whenever you accidentally made eye contact with him. Regardless, from the start of the school year to the nearing end of autumn, you took the bus with the same schoolboy every day without fail. Call it a coincidence, maybe even fate if you’re brave, but you had an unsaid pact to always sit besides each other.

It all started when you ran down the street just to see the bus doors closing shut with a hiss. Sprinting faster, your school uniform flapped backwards as you furiously tried to keep a piece of bread in your mouth. Sleeping past your alarm on the first day of school was not on your agenda, yet here you were, missing your bus despite running. You were about to slow down and have a moment of frustration before you noticed... a backpack fall out of the window? Huh?

The bus stopped, although hesitantly to let a tall boy with long hair shadowing his face step off and grab his now dusty expensive bag. You stood shocked from your turn of luck, before he glanced at you with an unimpressed scoff. He turned to enter the double doors, but seemed to slow his pace when you were still frozen. It didn’t take much to wear his patience thin before he sighed, speed walking back to grab your hand and tug you towards the bus.

“You’re lucky I noticed. Only one seat left, and it’s beside me.” He commented, and you thought his raspy and “no bullshit” type of voice matched his scowl perfectly. You couldn’t find yourself to be irritated by the boy’s arrogant behavior, suddenly in debt to the boy who saved you a seat. The bus driver didn’t say anything but her look pierced like a thousand swords as both of you hurried into seats. He let you take the window side without another word, and that’s how you fell into the routine of sitting besides an unknown stranger every day.

“Hey. Hey! You good?”

You snapped out of the flashback as you located the boy’s hand waving in front of your face. Your eyes adjusted to the light and noticed everyone was streaming out of the bus, huddled and departing with ease. You became flustered for being so unattentive, managing to force out an apology to which he shrugged. He was standing up with one hand around his bag strap, his uniform tie loose around his neck already.

“S–Sorry.” You murmured, hurriedly following after him. The boy casually thanked the driver who barely acknowledged him as he cooly walked off. Damn, how did someone just exude so much confidence? You couldn’t help but stare after him with amazement, wondering why his back looked so familiar to you. It wasn’t until you heard your friends call out for you that you went back to reality, spinning on your heel in the opposite direction to wave. More and more, it seemed like the boy on the bus was taking all your attention and you didn’t know why.

You didn’t take the bus home, so you didn’t know if your seatmate did the same. You often had extracurriculars, tutoring, or getting a ride from your friends. Therefore, the boy with a uniform you didn’t know the name of was only a morning distraction, someone who slowly became an essential part to waking up.

One day, with the fall leaves beneath your dress shoes and orange hue of the sunrise above the trees, you were at the bus stop earlier than usual. A subconscious attempt to make up for the fact you missed school yesterday. It didn’t take long before your infamous seatmate strolled up, until he noticed your frame and quickened his steps. Skidding to a stop beside you, he frowned and loomed over you with a strand of his hair escaping the back of his ear.

“Where were you yesterday?” He insisted, glancing over your body to see if you were hurt. You were at a lost of words, not used to interacting with him so much. Before you could respond, the bus was already here with its doors open. Both of you knew the unwritten rule: get on the bus as quickly as possible or else be left behind. You two went on like clockwork, you taking the window seat and him sitting closest to the aisle. You suddenly noticed the effort this time to avoid bumping legs in the close proximity. You never picked up on it before.

“I was sick.” You replied, although much later than expected in a normal conversation. He didn’t look at you, just took a notebook out to scribble something on a scrap piece of paper. You tried not to look, but glanced at the glint of his many piercings upon his ear. Did his school allow that? Though, it didn’t seem like he followed the rules too often.

“Here.” He held out a folded piece of paper to you, finally turning to catch your eye and you gulped. There was something striking about his purple eyes that narrowed ever so slightly that made you snatch the sheet quickly. Without another word, he just faced forward again with his earbuds in. You were about to look out the window before he cleared his throat, rolling his eyes to emphasize his point.

“It’s Settsu Banri, by the way.”

You blinked and for a moment, you could hear the song from the loud volume of his earbuds. You used to love that song from a long time ago, but didn’t think too much of it. You were too overwhelmed finally knowing your seatmate’s true name, but something about it was heavy on your mind.

When you both followed the usual routine and split ways at the bus stop, you slowed down to unfold the piece of paper only to see Banri’s slanted and harsh writing.

“Call me when you won’t be here, don’t just leave a guy worried like that.”

Below was his number and while you were punching it in, you suddenly stopped. You double checked with a furrow of your eyebrows.

That was your name on the paper. How did Banri know your name? Why did he write it down? Did he already know you?

Before you could contemplate it further, your friends found you and you were whisked away into a separate life, away from the mysterious boy named Settsu Banri on your bus.

From then on, the boy sitting next to you suddenly had a name. Banri was a perceptive boy with a sharp tongue. You didn’t expect him to notice you were sick that one day, but it propelled both of you into a proper friendship to learn each other’s names. Though, it was a friendship you couldn’t put into words. Two strangers who met by coincidence (fate) who now crossed paths for good.

Yet, the only thing that was strange to this day was you and Banri barely spoke. It seemed like he recognized most things he said were either flat out rude or could be misinterpreted, so you both settled on a silent agreement to exchange notes instead. Pages of Banri’s spare notebook he didn’t even use in class became full of both you and Banri’s handwriting. Banri seemed to think more when he put his ink to paper, even letting out a sharp inhale through his nose when you doodled something funny for him to react to.

(You never asked how Banri knew you from before. Maybe, you respected what you already had and didn’t want to change it.)

Weeks passed as you and Banri used the short rides in the mornings to get to know each other. Learning of Banri’s name meant you picked up on his aggressive reputation even amongst your own student body, believe it or not. The rumors seemed to paint him out to be some bad wolf, but as you admired how he bit the end of his pencil when he thought too hard on a response or made an attempt to let you out first unlike before, you almost didn’t buy it. How can the boy who thoroughly enjoyed your messy sketches of a chibi him with angry expressions be some big bad wolf?

Maybe, you should’ve avoided him back then when you learned the rumors. Because, it would’ve avoided this confession.

“I like you?”

You stared at his handwriting, your own pen suddenly hot to the touch. Banri fidgeted with his necktie, was he blushing? He slouched further back in his seat, looking out the other window with an admirable attempt to look like he didn’t care. How can this be a confession if he wasn’t even sure? What could you say in response to this?

It seemed familar, too familar. Like everything that came along with Settsu Banri. Until, you traced the words again and again with an alarming repressed memory coming back to the surface. A younger, much bigger jerk also named Banri who drew in the sand the same words without a question mark, his smirk already in place. Yet, like then and now, he was just as nervous even if he would never admit it. Everything suddenly clicked into place.

Your seatmate, Settsu Banri, was your first childhood love back in that autumn playground. Then, switching schools became a reality and you nearly forgot all about the cocky boy who did anything to impress you. Until, you started taking the bus.

It all made sense. Banri was too perceptive for his own good, he recognized you in a heartbeat. The music, the nostalgia that came with being beside him, you connected the dots. Before Banri could wave his hand in front of your face with a forced chuckle, you reached out and took his hand in yours. It was something you wish you did back all those years ago. Banri was speechless for the first time, his hand tensing before relaxing to hold yours.

Your joined hands hung between you two, the silence loud. You breathed out, strangely relieved. When did you have these feelings for Banri? It didn’t matter. What mattered was the now.

“I like you, too.”

When you and Banri left the bus and headed your split ways to go to school, you felt your phone buzz in your blazer pocket. You pulled it out to see Banri’s name and a single text.

“Can I see you again?”

You turned around to see Banri was waiting for an answer, his notebook clutched in his hand. Banri had a look on his face that could only mean he was about to say something dumb. You were the one who quickened your steps this time, only to place a gentle kiss at the corner of his lips. That was a way to shut him up.

“Pick me up tonight, okay?” You whispered, pulling away only to meet his lips this time. You didn’t realize it, but he wanted to do that for a long, long time.

Mornings with Banri became afternoons, to nights, to any time in between. Banri became more than your seatmate, securing the title of boyfriend after years of lost contact. In his life, everything came easy to Settsu Banri... except morning bus rides, confessions, and you.

[padfootagain]

Starry Nights

Part 1 : Dreams

@drinix requested this series AGES ago, and I'm so terribly sorry that I made you wait for so long my friend. But the truth is, I struggled a bit with it, and I've had to rewrite some parts several times, reorganize the whole thing... So it took me quite a while. I'm sorry for the long wait. I hope you like it!

The request was to write about Caspian falling in love (right after VotDT) with a young star (friend of Liliandil's) that he had seen long ago in a dream, when Edmund may have some things in his mind about this young lady as well before he would leave Narnia... Hope you're not disappointed, @drinix.

Part 2 coming soon (because yes, that's a new series for Caspian, that should be 3 or 4 parts long).

Gif's not mine.

Caspian was asleep. He was lying there, in the grass, lost in the middle of the forest. Next to him, the fire had since long died out, and only some dark smoke was coming out of the logs now. In his dream he was back in the Castle, and Miraz was just bad memory.

Although, in reality, Miraz was everything but a memory, his men looking for the Prince throughout the Kingdom. And there was no wonder at what would happen to the young Prince if his uncle's men found him here, surrounded by talking animals and centaurs and minotaurs and dwarves...

It was strange to think that he was literally living inside an old tale.

He had fought against sleep for a long while, too scarred of being discovered in this clearing. But he was exhausted, and eventually, he hadn't been able to keep his eyes open and had surrendered to a peaceful slumber.

But then something very soft brushed against his cheek, like some fresh breeze, or a piece of velvet... it was as light as a feather but he felt it, and the tickling sensation that ran across his face was enough to tear him away from his dreams. Slowly, he lifted up his eyelids, blinking to chase away tiredness from his eyes. The trees around him took shape, he recognized the dead fire, and he could hear a minotaur snoring loudly next to him. But something moved, and he caught some kind of light at the corner of his eyes. Slowly, he turned around... and remained frozen.

A young woman was standing there, all draped in a long white dress. He drank in the sight of you as you stood there, barefoot, looking at him, apparently waiting for him to fully wake up. Caspian stood up in a hurry, staggering, before he would finally find his balance and stand before you, his dark eyes still slightly round in awe.

He had never seen anyone as beautiful in his entire life...

And there was this shy light that seemed to ooze from you, chasing away the night around you. There was this wild glint in your eyes, and this softness painted on your graceful face...

He could barely breathe.

"Who are you?" he asked after what seemed like forever.

"My name is not important," you answered elusively.

"To me it is," he breathed.

"You must go," you said, ignoring his remark, and there was fear now in your eyes. "You must wake up and guide your friends out of the clearing."

"What do you mean? Why?"

"The soldiers your uncle sent to chase you down are approaching. They are heading your way. You have little time before they find you. You must go, and hide further in the forest while you still have time."

"Who are you?"

You gave him a small smile.

"Someone who still has hope for a free Narnia."

You looked on your right, as if you had caught some strange noise coming from this direction, and when you looked back at the Prince, you seemed horrified.

"They're closing on you, you must go," you urged him.

"Will I ever see you again?"

"I don't know..."

You took a step closer to him, your eyes begging now.

"Please, they can't find you here. You must wake up. Wake up now."

Caspian felt himself growing weaker and weaker, until he fell to the floor...

The next second, he jolted upright, finally waking up in a hurry. He heard the distant sound of a shout...

He looked around him, staring at the place where you had stood just seconds before. But there was no light there anymore, only a dark void instead of your graceful shape. He shook himself, remembering your words of warning.

He woke up the Narnians around him quickly, ordering them to remain silent, and they hid further away, using the cover of great rocks to shelter themselves from the sight of any enemy coming their way.

And indeed, just a few minutes later, Telmarines were walking through the clearing. But they passed without seeing Caspian and his troops, and the Prince heaved a sigh of relief when the soldiers were finally out of sight.

You had saved his life, without a doubt...

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 After the war against Miraz, after Caspian was crowned King, after peace was restored throughout Narnia, Caspian had still not forgotten this dream of his you had walked into. Often at night, he dreamt about you. He could see your face glimmering shyly, surrounded by shadows, a small smile on your lips. But he couldn't talk to you, nor touch you. You were like a picture, motionless and distant. You were just a memory he kept close to his heart.

But even if time passed and slipped between his fingers like mere sand, he never forgot you.

He didn't know your name, he didn't know who you were, he had no way to find you. After a while, he even started to doubt that you were real at all. Perhaps you were just coming from his imagination.

But you didn't feel like a dream. You felt like a memory. A memory that he longed to run to every night, but that hurt him as well, haunting him. And sometimes, he wish he could forget you.

Because he saw your face in every crowd, and in the stars through the inky sky, and everywhere he walked you kept following him.

His advisors were pressing him to choose a wife and have an heir, such ensuring the future of the crown. But he couldn't. Every time he met a princess or a lady, he thought of you. He remembered how beautiful you were, how wild you seemed to be. You reminded him of the sea. You seemed free and untamable, strong and yet fragile all at once. He longed to hear your laugh, and see how bright your smiles were.

How could any woman compete with you? You never left his mind.

For three years he tried to forget you, for three years he failed every single time.

And at night you were walking in his dreams again and again. Always the same scene playing in repeat, always the same urging voice, always the same small smile, always the same fear painted in your eyes.

When he left on the Dawn Trader, looking for his father's friends, he also hoped that spending some time away at sea would help him to clear his mind. He hoped that the sea would make him forget you.

By then, he had lost all hope of ever seeing you again. He had tried to look after you, he had searched through his entire kingdom. But he couldn't find you anywhere but in his mind, and now he was just desperate to forget your face. The pain was too much to bear now, despite how sweet his dreams of you were.

Then Lucy and Edmund had arrived, along with their cousin Eustace, and Caspian's travel to the Lone Islands turned into this chase after swords and long forgotten lands.

After a few weeks, Caspian and his men finally reached Ramandu's Island. But one sword was still missing.

He looked in awe when their guide fell from the sky, taking the shape of a young and beautiful woman, that seemed to shine with a shy blue light.

And then...

Then you appeared next to Liliandil, walking out of nowhere...

And Caspian remained speechless.

When he saw you standing there he thought he was lost into a dream again. Perhaps the months spent at sea had won, and he had lost his mind. Perhaps he was having hallucinations. Perhaps you weren't real, and it was just one more trap set onto his path. Because you couldn't possibly be real...

It seemed to him that you were shining, just like he remembered from his dream. A shy, almost invisible light that emanated from your frame, burning the shadows of the night around you. You were beautiful, a beauty that shone, that seemed too bright for this world. You didn't seem to be real...

Caspian started when Liliandil spoke again.

"This is Y/N," she said, resting her hand on your shoulder. "She's a very good friend of mine."

"Are you a star too?" Edmund asked, his voice a bit hoarse.

"I am," you nodded.

The sound of your voice sent shivers throughout Caspian's entire body.

"You will have to be careful," you said, looking at the three Kings and Queen. "Evil will be hard to defeat. It will take shapes your mind dread most of all."

Your eyes lingered on Caspian. He was motionless, like transfixed, intensely staring at you.

"You must be strong," Liliandil nodded. "You must bring the last sword and put it down on Aslan's table."

"It's the only way," you added, emphasizing your words.

The King's dark eyes were fixed on yours, and you found yourself trapped in these two orbs. For some reason, you felt a very strange sensation in your chest, your heart beating a bit faster...

"You must hurry, there is very little time left," Liliandil urged the travelers.

Caspian jumped again when Lucy rested her hand on his shoulder.

"We should go then," she said.

But Caspian hadn't spoken a word yet. He had been too mesmerized by you when he wanted so much to tell you something, anything...

"I hope we meet again," he breathed, his voice hoarse.

He was staring at you, and you knew he was speaking to you, and only to you.

"I hope we do meet again," you nodded. "If you have reached this island, it means that you are capable of great courage. I am sure you can defeat this evil."

He nodded slowly, very slowly, as if he was lost between reality and a far away land built in his own mind...

Next to him, Edmund cleared his throat.

"You are very beautiful, Lady Y/N," he said.

"Thank you," you breathed, blushing hard.

"I hope that if we come back, we will be able to know each other better."

Caspian turned his attention to the young King next to him, frowning hard.

"You will have to complete your mission first," you answered elusively.

Caspian looked at you again, and you could read some fear in his eyes. As if... Edmund's words had scared him.

"Come on, we must go now," Lucy insisted.

She pulled on Caspian's arm, and he turned around to follow her, Edmund walking with the two of them as well.

But before he would walk away from Aslan's table, Caspian turned around one last time.

And it was upon you that his eyes landed and lingered until he was devoured by the shadows of the night and fell out of your sight.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Edmund watch Caspian for a while. The King was attaching his armour, getting ready for the fight that awaited them. He had remained mostly silent since they had left Ramandu's Island, as if he was troubled, but not by this enemy they had to fight.

"Caspian?" he called his friend softly.

"Yes, Ed?"

"What troubles you so much?" the King of old asked bluntly.

But Caspian clenched his jaw and looked down at his feet, remaining silent.

"You've barely spoken a word since we left this island, and I know it's not because of where we are heading," Edmund insisted. "What's wrong with you?"

"It's nothing, Ed. I was just... thinking about old memories of mine. It's not important."

"It seems to trouble you a lot."

"I'm fine, Ed. But thank you for your concern."

Edmund nodded, deciding that it was better to drop the subject.

"I hope Liliandil and Y/N will still be on the island when we come back," Edmund said.

Caspian looked up at him again.

"Why?" he asked softly, his tone cautious.

"Have you seen them?" Edmund asked back, smiling. "I mean... Y/N seems..."

He let out a chuckle, but Caspian was not laughing at all.

"You'll soon be gone, Ed."

The younger King narrowed his eyes.

"You want us to leave?" he asked, his tone more bitter than he intended.

"Don't be ridiculous," Caspian shook his head. "Of course I don't want you to leave. But I don't think that Aslan will make you stay, do you?"

Edmund merely shrugged.

"Perhaps I won't have to leave right after the battle."

"But if you leave then what happens?"

"It's none of your concern anyway, Caspian."

The King clenched his jaw, fastening the leather maintaining his armour against his chest.

"I saw Y/N before," Caspian said slowly. "In a dream."

"What?" Ed asked, chuckling.

"It was a long time ago," Caspian went on. "When I was hiding from my uncle. She kind of... walked into my dream, to warn me that some soldiers were walking towards me and my troops. That I had to wake up and hide."

"And?" Edmund encouraged the King to go on.

"And we didn't die that night, we hid before Miraz's men arrived."

"I don't see what this has to do with anything."

"I don't want you to hurt her."

Edmund looked carefully at his friend.

"You like her," Edmund said slowly, reading through the King, even if he didn't find the truth yet about Caspian's feelings for you.

"I don't like her," Caspian mumbled, attaching his hair to make sure his long dark locks would not fall onto his face as he fought.

"I guess we'll be two on the chase then," Edmund said slowly.

The two Kings stared at each other for a long moment.

"You can't be serious, have you listened to anything I said?" Caspian asked, frowning hard.

"I think we should let her choose."

"Edmund, it's ridiculous."

"What now... are you afraid of me?"

"It's stupid. You'll hurt her in the end."

"You're overreacting."

"No, you're the one who is not taking this situation seriously."

"We'll see which of us she chooses in the end."

"What makes you think she would choose any of us at all?" Caspian replied. "We are mortal men, and she's a star... she could have much better, don't you think."

"I can be persuasive. But if you don't want to enter the game, then it's fine."

"Ed..."

"You're taking this too seriously, Caspian."

"You can't do this."

Caspian's voice was cold now, firm, the kind of voice he used when he gave orders as a King, not when he gave advices as a friend.

And Edmund didn't like this tone at all.

"I'm not one of your subject," Edmund reminded the King before him.

Caspian merely clenched his jaw a bit more tightly.

"I am a King too, remember?" the boy went on. "And you can't give me orders."

Again, Caspian didn't say a word.

"If you choose not to try anything with Y/N, then it's your decision, and I respect it," Edmund went on. "But you can't force me to act the same."

"She deserves better than anything any of us could ever give her," Caspian said slowly, his voice still made of steel. "What will happen to her once you're gone?"

"Perhaps I won't leave."

"But what if you do?"

"Or perhaps you don't care much about her well-being, and you just don't want any rival."

"Don't be ridiculous..."

"It's far from being stupid..."

"Ed, stop."

Caspian heaved a sigh, rubbing his eyes.

"We can't think like that now. We can't fight each other, not when we are about to face the kind of enemy we are about to fight," he said, his voice soothing now. "I don't want us to fight, Ed. You're like a brother to me."

"You're like a brother to me as well, Caspian," Ed nodded.

"Let's not talk about this anymore. We'll see about that when everything is over. What do you think?"

Edmund nodded slowly.

"You're right. You're right of course."

But something was telling Caspian that this discussion was far from over...

[etc-greys]

Season 14 Episode 4: Ain’t That a Kick in the Head

Songs of the Episode:

Fun, Fun, Fun by The Beach Boys

Leave the Light On by Overcoats

Silence by Grace Carter

Got The Feeling by Juliet & The X’s

Synopsis:

This week’s episode opens with Amelia shaving a part of her head for her brain surgery with both her sisters (Maggie & Mer) by her side. Mer is told not to tell Amelia’s mother because she felt that if her mom can’t show up to her wedding, why should she come to her surgery?

At Bailey and Warren’s home, Bailey is caught off guard when she wakes up to an empty bed. He’s been secretly working out (in case you missed it, he’s been casted in the new Grey’s Anatomy Spinoff about firefighters in Seattle, so while the audience knows he’s training to be somehow involved in the firefighting/EMS world, his wife doesn’t. But rest at ease Ben fans, he’s still slated to be a series regular).

Amelia’s mentor and surgeon (you know, the really arrogant one?) tells Bailey, Webber, Alex, Maggie, Mer, Amelia, and Owen his surgical plan. He answers all of their questions and concerns. Amelia gets real with her family and gives them all instructions: Deluca is supposed to question the surgeon to keep him focused, Mer is only to call Amelia’s mom if she dies, Maggie should take her room, Owen should move on if she dies or if she’s in need of around-the-clock care, and names April her power of attorney because she’s both sweet and smart to hold out some hope, but not too emotionally attached to let her go. After closing up some loose ends, she tells them how much she loves them. Once in the OR, this beautiful moment happens where the entire surgical team joins Amelia in standing in the superwoman pose. The pose is not only symbolic, there are studies that show that it increases your confidence and helps you perform better. The voice over emphasizes the fears associated with surgery. While you worry about not waking up from a normal surgery, when it comes to brain surgery you fear waking up and no longer being yourself, physically, mentally, or emotionally.

Bailey and Webber interview interns, and while some were amazing, the others were just straight up comical.

Mer goes to check in on Megan and unfortunately she has a fever. Mer then goes to watch Amelia’s surgery, in which the surgeon is playing the Beach Boys. Deluca tries to respect Amelia’s wishes and badgers Todd with questions. In the gallery, Mer vents to Maggie and Alex about Riggs, who left unexpectedly. Mer’s mad that he left Megan behind and Alex chimes in saying that he never liked him. Mer then puts his dating history into question and he says that his judgement has improved with age. <3 (Awwww!) Suddenly Todd stops singing along to the Beach Boys, garnering all of their attention, he’s forced to cut a vital line in the brain, which could either do nothing or be extremely detrimental...the screen goes dark.

She opens her eyes and begins answering all of their questions but... they can’t hear her. We then see that she’s still connected to a ventilator and can’t make any movements. NOOOOO! The only good thing is that her intellect remains intact. They’re all concerned that she’s not recovering properly.

Post Op Day 1: There’s no change, but wait.... she’s breathing over the intubation tube, they extubate her!

Catherine and Jackson return from Harper Avery’s service, and we find out that Todd goes way back with Catherine...possibly romantically. This doesn’t sit well with Webber. Maggie is a bit flirty with Jackson, who looks damnnnnn fine in his suit! I mean can you blame her for complimenting him? I don’t... but anyway, Mer then asks Jackson if she can take his name off of Megan’s innovative surgery because she wants to be considered for a Harper Avery. While he’s disappointed, he understands and gives her the go ahead.

Deluca was in the middle of fulfilling another promise he made to Amelia (perform her post surgery protocol, to get neuro patients up and moving post op as soon as possible) when Todd walks in and reprimands him. Deluca doesn’t back down and reminds him that Amelia has a higher recovery rate. Throughout all of this we can hear Amelia’s pleading thoughts, she’s in so much pain that she doesn’t want to continue doing her protocol, but since she’s a prisoner to her own body, she’s forced to do it anyway.  

Mer and Megan talk about Riggs, both of which told him to go back to the other (Mer told him firmly get back together with Megan and Megan told him to stay with Meredith). These mixed signals lead Megan to believe that they broke his brain. Unfortunately, she needs 3 days of antibiotics given her fever and low white blood cell count. When she tells Jo about the possible infection, Jo worries it could affect the study, and slyly asks if she’s mentioned in the article that could be considered for a Harper Avery. Mer reassures her that her name is going to in the article! Yay.. but Mer needs photos... and Jo’s a bit nervous (her husband is a doctor and this article could put her in danger).

Webber visits Amelia and brings up the possibility of giving her opioid painkillers to help with her recovery, but she shakes her head in tears.

Post Op Day 2: Arizona, Maggie, Alex, and Mer all joke about how they never noticed her tumor. They go even further and wish they had a scapegoat such as a tumor to blame their mistakes on. April is sickened by their jokes, but they explain that in situations this scary and unknown, they’ve got to have some comic relief. Then AMELIA STARTS SPEAKING!!! Well... she starts speaking in French. But hey I’ll take it! It’s progress! Thank goodness Maggie knows French and the two of them chat. Mer then recalls that all of the Shepherd's went to French preschools.

Across the hospital, Megan freaks out when she finds out that Farouk is sick. In an attempt to calm her down, Mer tells her about the time she kidnapped her own daughter in a rash decision and that it made things a lot worse. She also reminds her that she can’t help him if she dies.

April is struggling to adjust to her new normal of joint custody. Thank goodness for friends like Arizona, who comfort her by relating to her own experience and how it’s a hard adjustment, but it eventually gets easier. But April doesn’t want a new normal, and Arizona stays by her side.

Owen goes to check in on Amelia, and.... SHE STARTS SPEAKING ENGLISH AGAIN! AND SHE REMEMBERS THINGS!  ...but she forgets Derek died. What could this mean?

Post Op Day 3: She remembers he’s dead, but she’s scared because her thoughts and memories are scattered. She’s fearful this means that she won’t be able to be a surgeon again. Interestly enough, the arrogant mentor Todd was actually nice and proves to her that she will recover and that her confusion is only temporary.

Mer, who has been avoiding Riggs’s calls for days, finally picks up the phone. It turns out he went to Baghdad to get Farouk and he needs her help. He’s trying to get him to the U.S. and needs her to prove that her new trial and treatment plan are essential and that Farouk qualifies for her treatment. She rushes to look up facts in order to give all of the right answers, but she won’t know if they approved him until 3:00pm the next day (he has a flight to Seattle that lands at 3:00pm and if they approve him, they will both be in Seattle by that time the next day).

Webber brings Maggie to his and Catherine’s house for a family dinner with Jackson and Catherine... which by the way their house is GORGEOUS. Catherine lays him out because she thought it would be a family dinner and Webber is insulted since Maggie is his family.. but turns out the real reason she wanted for it just to be the 3 of them is because she was going to tell Jackson about his inheritance... his 250 million dollar inheritance. Yup you read that right 250 MILLION DOLLARS, but NBD. Meanwhile Jackson and Maggie have awkward small talk in the other room, but they overhear them their parents arguing, and that my friends is how he finds out about his life changing inheritance. Yup through his mother angrily yelling it to his stepfather. During their awkward dinner, Jackson tells his mother that he doesn’t want the money, but would rather have a chance at winning the prestigious Harper Avery Award. Catherine yells at him for complaining about having too much money and tells him to consider what it would be like to not have enough. Maggie defends Jackson by acknowledging the problems and complexity of having so much, maybe even too much.

Post Op Day 4: Amelia is cleared to go home!! But she’s still looking for something and asks to see her scans for herself.

Jo tells Meredith to take her name of the article. When Meredith asks why, she reminds her of her husband. Mer feels awful, but agrees to take her name off of it. Ben overhears and is appalled that she would take her name off of something that could change her life, since it’s such an incredible opportunity. He asks her why she would do such a thing and she tells him honestly. She explains that her husband might find her and try to kill her and that she’s been in hiding. He laughs at first until he realizes that she’s not kidding. He was shocked (just like the rest of us were when we first found out!) but she asks him to tell her a secret since she feels so exposed and vulnerable. He tells her that he’s been training for something and that his wife doesn’t know and that she’s not going to be very happy about it.

Amelia continues to search for something even after seeing her clear scans and even asks for more scans with better imaging. Mer finally gets the text from Riggs to pick him up from the airport! YAY! But when she arrives at the airport they give her a really hard time. So Meredith schools the guard like a boss! She questions his medical abilities, given that it’s not his area of expertise and warns that this child will die if she doesn’t see and treat him right away. He then lets her right through.

WARNING: This next scene will probably make you cry tears of joy. Mer and Riggs surprise Megan back at the hospital when Farouk walks through the door. Their embrace is just beautiful and truly makes you wanna hugs your parents. She introduces him to his Uncle Owen (I mean how cute!) and Owen thanks him for taking care of his sister all of these years... please excuse me while I ball a little.

Deluca comforts Amelia by bringing her literal tumor in a jar to her and shows her that the something she’s been looking for is right there and that it’s gone. He explains to her that something was wrong for a very long time, but now she’s safe. The other shoe is not going to drop. There is nothing wrong anymore. While he feels he might’ve overstepped, she proves that false when she gives him a huge hug and starts crying.

Jackson goes to talk to Maggie and apologizes for the dinner being so uncomfortable. As a moment begins to happen between the two of them where you think something might take place, it’s quickly squashed by Catherine who compares their relationship to a brother-sister relationship. (I know every Japril fan is rejoicing right now!!!)

Owen goes to see Amelia as she’s packing to go home and asks that she come home! She tells him that she’s gonna go with Mer and that he was right to want to leave, and admits to being awful to him. She admits that she doesn’t even know who she is anymore. So she sets him free, but instead of running, he finally fights for her.

At home Bailey confronts Ben on his new found need for running, and he avoids going into too much detail by distracting her.... ;) Arizona’s daughter calls her while she’s with Carina and she tells her she wants to come back home! YAY!  

A very somber moment back at the loft when Jo can’t sleep. Honestly I don’t know how to describe what she’s feeling, but I think her words speak volumes. Here she tells Alex how much she hates her husband for still having power over her and continuing to take things away from her. Alex tries to comfort her, but there is only so much he can truly do.

Megan’s temperature is going down! WOO HOO! She tells Mer that Riggs is still in love with her, but Mer explains that he’s trying and that she’s gotta give him a moment to readjust.

Amelia goes home with Owen! (YES OMELIA FANS!!)

A Few Additional Thoughts:

AMELIA IS ALIVE AND WELL! I’m so happy that she is recovering well and that she’s on the road to finding herself. I’m excited to see where her relationship with Owen goes for sure, but I’m way more excited to get to know the real Amelia. I mean it was really mature and took a lot of courage to let him go. She wanted him to be happy and wanted to set him free. But I’m happy he’s finally fighting for her. What does this mean though for him and Teddy? Will they stay friends? Regardless, I can’t wait to see Amelia’s journey of rediscovering herself and I just hope she can finally be happy (even if it’s without Owen). (Omelia fans don’t hate me..)

Megan and Farouk’s reunion was so beautiful. And bravo to Riggs for reuniting them. I really hope they try to work things out and that she gives him a chance!

WHAT IS JACKSON GONNA DO WITH ALL THAT MONEY? It’s going to be really interesting to see what he will do. I have faith that he’s going to do something extremely generous with it. Like maybe he’s live off of that money and do pro bono surgeries for the rest of his life. Maybe he’ll start a new foundation. Maybe he’ll just donate it all. Who knows. But I truly feel he’s gonna do something that’s spectacular and worthwhile.

And finally, it literally broke my heart when Jo had to give up receiving recognition for her role in the innovative and groundbreaking surgery. While I’m happy that in some ways she’s healing, given that she opened up to Warren, I’m so heartbroken by the things she’s forced to give up. She shouldn’t have to hide her success or limit her opportunities because of someone else, no one should and it devastates me. This season they are supposed to bring back her husband in some way, I just hope that she gets some resolution and feels safe again. While this is a scary and utterly sad story to tell, it’s an important one.

[humaneyre]

Reconsidering Mary is Moran Theory

One of the most appalling aspects of s4 is the OOC development of Mary. She was villain!Mary in s3. Now she’s hero!Mary in s4. Are we really supposed to buy this? I chalked it up to bad writing initially. But unfortunately for work and everything else I should be doing right now, I’ve been sucked back in by The Lost Special and, also, just really having a hard time believing that Moftiss really could possibly have written something so terrible. I could believe that it wasn’t going to be Johnlock, but I could not believe TFP, which was just terrible on all levels. Now I’m convinced that it’s been purposely orchestrated to cause a media stir, outrage the fandom, etc. etc. because that is in fact a very Sherlockian thing to do. See this post for further explication.

So, now that I’m convinced that The Lost Special is coming, it’s back to theorizing. I personally buy into TFP being John’s TAB as the most plausible theory. TLS will flesh all that out when we see John waking up in hospital and highly romantic satisfying ending between the two. But we still need to tie up the Mary loose ends, most glaringly, the bizarre character shift. @finalproblem provides a convincing explanation of how Mary faked her death. I have posted showing the connection between the Mary DVD and the ivory box in ACD’s “The Dying Detective,” the former being toxic and meant to either kill or “burn the heart out of” John and Sherlock while the latter contained a literal toxic pathogen. 

Mary is Moran would explain the following, currently unexplained facts about T6T that are not okay, IMO, if she is really meant to be saint!Mary. 

1 - Mary continues to undermine John, sending both the explicit and the implicit message that she is more competent than he is and more needed by Sherlock. 

2 - She is super amazing brilliant spy lady but has no idea that John is not happy in the marriage? Which leads to the next point:

3 - The timing of the texts from Sherlock to John and Mary: They are received simultaneously. Meet at the London Aquarium. Right as John is about to confess to Mary that he’s been texting this other woman. Obviously, for Mary’s death to have maximum impact fucking up John, then he’s got to experience maximum guilt. She needs him not to confess, to die with that little *secret* on his conscience. Yet she well knows that he’s been cheating on her because she’s MORAN, Moriarty’s right-hand man, and we’ve already seen that Moriarty is in league with E. E of course is part of the plan to fuck up John, undermine any sense of himself as a decent human being. Mary knows exactly what John was about to say and gets him to stop so that she can fake die before he says it. 

4 - Really, would Moftiss leave Moran out of BBC Sherlock? No way. They’ve included all the prime villains of ACD Canon.

5 - Is it plausible that our amazing brilliant spy lady would leave a tracker device on her memory stick? No. The disappearing act “for you and Rosie” was a setup, again increasing John’s guilt and emotional dissonance because he has to chase his wife all around the world with Sherlock Holmes to keep “the vow” when he doesn’t even want to be with her. Yet he can’t very well say that can he, when Sherlock is being so chivalrous about protecting the *three* of them. So John’s forced to go along with it, pretend that that’s what he wants and that that’s who he is. The happily married man, Sherlock Holmes’s “right-hand man,” except now he’s not even that because Mary has eclipsed him as Sherlock Holmes’s *better* right-hand man. 

6 - Rosamond: would saint!Mary really name their child after her spy identity? Alex, Gabrielle, Rosamond, and AJ: the AGRA assassin unit. AND, the way that she does it, the show has made this point twice now. John had no say in the naming (HLV) and then, worse, they had agreed on Katherine but Mary unilaterally says no AT THE CHRISTENING, it’s Rosamond. She just completely undercuts John. On re-watch of this scene, the name is also repeated both by Sherlock and Molly, and Molly further emphasizes it, telling us what it means: “Rose of the World.” The only other person we’ve been told what their name means is Euros “East Wind.” I’m of course not implying that the child has any connection to Euros, only that the name is emphasized. We are not supposed to just skip over it. And, stepping back for a moment, Mary’s whole story about wanting to disappear into a normal life, John Watson was her world, her one love, yadayada: Naming your daughter Rosamond so that your spy identity can constantly be brought back to you is not what this saint!Mary, devoted to domesticity, wanting to leave all of that behind, would do. 

I’m sure there’s more that I’m missing. Bottom line: Moftiss are psychologically astute and hopeless romantics. That I believe. I cannot accept that they would write this horrible relationship between John and Mary, everything about it undermining John, and then really want us to believe that Mary is a saint. No. Mary is a villain, which in the universe of this show means that she is *anti* true love. And, BTW, that is also what it means in ACD Canon. Mary will be back in The Lost Special and her crimes revealed. Sherlock got his super-villain-killer-of-Victor that allowed him to understand his own “sociopathy” and move beyond it. John needs his super-villain-Mary to allow him to understand why he never could love her and move beyond it. 

[datingadviceonreddit]

EASIER SAID THAN DONE. Ugh, I feel like shit. I feel like I cried out my eyes enough to finally go back to my stone cold don't care persona but it's not the case at all. My heart hurts. It's been years since I really liked someone & it's pretty rare for me to since for the most part I am an emotionally detached person. I'm still outgoing, friendly & shit but as a defense mechanism I suppress negative feelings or block any type of attachment. The rare time I do it's with someone that doesn't want the same as me SMH.TL DR (why are these put at the end? It makes more sense to put it on the top lol): Say fuck it & communicate what's on your mind if it concerns you. Even if you're too scared you'll scare them off, just communicate. Learn how to let go & not care if they'll stop talking to you, end it, etc. You'll save yourself a whole lot of pain from caught feelings, doubt & confusion in the long run. I know this is sounds like common sense but sometimes we put ourselves in denial or are too scared to. I just want to remind people, sometimes we just need that constant reminder/support/encouragement/affirmation. Shout out to Pm_Me_Your_Fave_Joke for his very useful advice. Read their post, it's good.​​Warning: this is going to be a long post.I only told one of my friends about what's going on. Not too much into detail since it's hard for me to be vulnerable. Which is exactly the reason I'm typing this post & getting too much into detail but trying not to at the same time since dude told me he installed Reddit recently. I doubt he would follow this subreddit & he doesn't go on his phone that much so I'm kinda sure I'm in the clear lol.I found writing/typing is a good outlet for me since it gives me time to reflect on situations, how I could've improved, what I could've done better, etc. It's been years since I wrote in a journal due to a breach of trust with an ex. I'll start writing in a journal again so I can put literally every detail (for the most part I got hella good memory, it's curse & not at the same time) & reflect on it. Useful ones I might post here but heads up my grammar sucks & I suck at writing.​I have this friend that I developed feelings for but never expressed them because he told me wanted casual dating. I was in denial thinking maybe over time he'll change his mind & want a serious relationship. In his defense I developed a crush on him before he told me he wanted casual dating. When we hung out the first time I thought we did as friends, as we were talking I developed a crush on him. I would like to emphasized cuz I feel it's important & makes a big difference; not a crush on looks (he's not even my type but physical attraction did come afterwards), a crush on his personality, opinions, demeanor, etc. I didn't & wasn't planning on telling him at all, at the end of us hanging out he kissed me & I fucking fell head over heels. ANYWAYS, we continued to date/talk. His texting sucks, mine does too but since I started liking him I prioritized his messages. We started dating during the holiday season so it was hard to see each other a lot. We have great chemistry, our personalities are almost the same. It's so easy to talk to him, there's never an awkward silence, we can talk about anything.He's a very affectionate person & I'm only affectionate with people I like so there was that imbalance that was really fucking with my head. I spent the months in silence trying to pull back my emotions/feelings while trying to figure out if he even likes me. His phone communication is spotty so it was fucking with me too. Add sex, cuddling & holding hands & you got a cocktail of confusion, doubt & total bliss. When I brought up the communication to his attention he agreed (he's been told in the past & it added to his past break ups) & we started talking on the phone more but it still wasn't consistent or enough. I was in a 6 year relationship, we had a kid together & lived together but a little before or after the first year my feelings went away. I stayed due to our son, family pressure (both sides) & financial reasons. The point I'm getting at is that I'm needy. I'm used to having that companionship & constant communication even though I had no feelings (I told him I loved him when I didn't. It's a long story. I was a shitty manipulative person in that relationship). It's not right for me to expect the same from him or anyone unless if we're living together. I need to get used to not having that constant communication & company.A few weeks ago his life started getting more hectic so he wasn't responding or go days without communication. We had four opportunities to see each other that didn't pan out. One was intentional on my part cuz I'm stupid & followed advice from online articles (not Reddit). What's sad is that after I intentionally didn't go, later that night I caved in & asked if he was still available. He said no so I quickly ended that conversation to avoid any further embarrassment, god I disappoint myself sometimes 😖 2/3 of the other times it's up in the air, he says shit but who knows.The past few weeks I've been really caught in my feelings. I've been smoking an unhealthy amount of cigarettes & drinking too much. It's been close to everyday drinking. I fucking drank from 10:30AM on Friday to 2AM Saturday & practically smoked a whole pack, #notGoals. I was really shocked I didn't wake up with a hangover for school the following morning considering I went to sleep at 4AM to wake up at 8.A few days ago I couldn't take it anymore & called him to discuss it. Fuuuuck it was so nerve racking, it is so hard for me to talk about my issues. Luckily he's very good at verbal communication & is sensitive so it helped me a lot with attempting. Even after we talked it out I still don't know if he fully understood everything I was telling him. There was a few times where he kept misinterpreting what I was telling him or he was missing my point. This is why I like doing these things in person instead of over the phone. I feel like with over the phone shit could be misinterpreted, getting distracted, body language & facial expressions missed & I feel like the brain kinda isn't fully paying attention since the other person isn't directly in front of you. I don't want to talk it out again so fuck it, I'll deal with it & I kinda already forgot what parts really confused me (exactly my point).After stumbling over my words for what felt like an eternity, I practically blurted out hella fast something along the lines of 'I really like you a lot as a friend and more but it doesn't seem like you're interested do you want to back peddle into being friends?". I told him that his lack of communication & us not seeing each other for a while was bothering me but since we're not in a relationship & only dating I didn't know how to approach that. This is where I felt like he wasn't understanding what I was getting at. I kept asking him how he feels about me but he kept referring to liking me as a person & personality wise. On top of that, the way he was wording it or the way I was receiving it, I felt like he viewed us as friends while I thought we were dating... But it's like I'm pretty positive we were dating?! I don't date but I have an idea of what it is based off what friends tell me. Plus, he was the one that mentioned casual dating in the first place!! I wanted to know if he ever liked me more than a friend. One time when we were hanging out at his place talking, he was cleaning dishes & I was chillin on his couch, out of nowhere, not even close to what we were even talking about, he literally said "you know I really like you a lot right?" I was literally stuck like a deer in headlights & said "oh, I wasn't sure if you did or not" *double face palm* Anyways, we were on the phone so I can't hear crystal clear but I heard him say 'commit to the relationship' but he can't cuz of all the shit that's going on in his life & he doesn't know how long it'll take. Idk why I didn't ask for clarification, this is one of my issues is that I don't speak up. Idk if he said he doesn't want to commit or if he does want to commit. At the same time he said no so IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER (WTF BRAIN!).He explained that his work & shit that happened within the last year's been holding him up & he's hella busy cuz of it. He also felt the need to tell me what he's been up to for the past few weeks we haven't seen each other. Not to get into details but what he told me makes sense based off our previous hang out & our talks. He even told me about his female friend that stayed with him for a few days & how she's a 'gold star' in the lesbian world. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (liiiike okaaay..?) Last/2 week(s) ago we were on the phone & he mentioned her sleeping over at his for a couple of days. When he told me I didn't push it, question or get upset. It's normal for people to have straight friends of the opposite gender & not have sex (even if they were to sleep in the same bed). After we were done with that, we caught up, talked about bs. At the end of the call he asked if I got all the answers I wanted. I guess I did...?!? I mean yes, he did answer my questions but for whatever reason I still feel confused. Idk maybe it's just my feelings clouding my brain, it'll go away over time. Not part of phone convo: After everything, it's like yeah I understand his reasonings but it's like I don't care, I can help, I can try to help him manager his time better, help him grow. I want to help him, I like him. Wasn't meant to be. *sigh*We agreed to just be friends & 'continue to see each other'. He was the one that asked if we'll still continue to see each other, I automatically assumed yes in my head since that's what friends do? It's not like we're 'Facebook friends', I would assume we would hang out occasionally since we're only like 30 miles away from each other (we live in a metro area) & I already go to his city once a week for career stuff. For him, idk if he meant as FWD or as friends only. I'm constantly not voicing my thoughts. I seriously need to get my shit together. I'll find out if/when we hang out again.​So yeah, this is where I'm at. Fellow Redditors, do yourself a favor & learn from me. Voice your concerns. It sucks to put yourself in denial, constantly doubting yourself, constantly confused trying to read in between the lines, hold it in & be let down (lack of a better phrase). It is not his fault at all. I need to be better with communication & learn how to voice my thoughts even though I know it probably won't be in my favor. The beat goes on. It really fucking hurts right now but it'll get better with time. Smile now cry later type of shit. (if you got it, I fucking love you)I'm not sure whether or not I'll continue to date. I haven't dated for 1 1/2 years due to not being interested & working on myself. This happened on accident, I originally thought we were just going to be friends. I have exchanged numbers with most guys that approached me in person for the past few weeks. I thought talking to other guys would take my mind off dude but it wasn't the case at all. If anything it got me even more irritated since these men text back so much faster than him & myself. None of them interest me so meh. Idk if I want to get on a dating app, I refuse to use apps. I don't even have any type of social media other than Reddit, which kinda doesn't count since most of us are anonymous.Current mood: "In the rain" by The Dramatics (love me some oldies aaaand it's Sunday!). It's been raining here lately & it kinda sucks it hasn't rained yet today.If you made it this far you deserve a cookie. I'm using the post as an outlet since it's hard for communicate my feelings irl.Yall have a good Sunday & good luck with dating! Bieeee! via /r/dating_advice