#however. he is on every hrt now. some we don’t even know about. bc i say so

[apollos-boyfriend]

day eighteen: aliens

purpled’s telling her about how much of a killing machine dogchamp is. it’s hard to believe him when said dog has been nothing but a sweetheart to you since day one

[rittz]

thoughts about being trans, idk where else to put them so here u go

it’s not like i don’t have trans guy friends to talk to about this, it’s just usually in the form of jokes or passing comments rather than an actually serious conversation. also, the transmasc people that i’m closest to identify more with the label “nonbinary” than i do-- it’s not like they couldn’t understand or relate to things i’m saying, but i’m just assuming that they probably don’t feel the exact same way i do

anyway, as a trans person we get often asked “so why do you feel like a [gender]?”, and the answer is usually some variation of “i just feel like it”. this is the most accurate but also vaguest possible answer, so i kinda wanted to break down my personal answer to that question?

basically, i identify as a man because i identify with men. in a general and also personal sense. gender stereotypes are something that trans people by necessity both embrace and reject. i relate to gender stereotypes about men more than those of women-- i’m less outwardly emotional, i like being handy, i don’t like kids, i have questionable personal hygiene, etc-- but obviously these things alone don’t make someone a man. however... you can’t deny that there is some general truth about behavioral differences between men and women (bc of society, not biology). men and women both experience different problems in the world, and each have trouble understanding the experiences and problems of the other. generally, i can relate to the experiences and problems of men more than those of women, even if it seems like i shouldn’t (for example, i am not afraid of walking alone at night, even though i am very tiny).

i, from a young age, have had a constant yearning for more male friends. i would occasionally choose to play video games as a male character. i was upset that i couldn’t be in boy scouts. i have been jealous of my younger brothers being treated by my parents the ways i wished i was treated. when i imagined myself older, i pictured myself less like my mom and more like my dad. when i’m around men, i want them to treat me like one of them. i want to be seen as a man.

and i think that’s what being trans really boils down to. wanting to be seen as someone other than how everyone sees you. wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside. this obviously extends to nonbinary individuals, who face their own struggle when it comes to presentation. but at the end of the day, i think that presentation is equally important to gender identity as internal feelings. i mean, i think we’re all familiar with the research proving that transitioning makes trans people happier. surgery is an invasive, expensive, painful process that i DON’T think is necessary for every trans person, and HRT isn’t always easy to get. but changing a name, getting a new haircut, dressing differently, binding, etc. counts as transitioning. you don’t have to hate your body to be trans, but wanting to alter it in order to better connect your internal identity with your presentation, i think is necessary in order to consider yourself to be trans. 

i will admit i am confused by “GNC trans men” i see on tumblr and insta, who use he/him pronouns but exclusively present femininely. i’m not talking about trans guys who don’t yet pass, i mean trans guys who don’t want to. i don’t harbor any ill will, i’m just confused. if i understand being trans to mean “wanting what you see on the outside to match how you feel on the inside”, you can see how. doesn’t that make you feel dysphoric? don’t you want people who see you to read you as male? how is your life different from when you didn’t identify as male but presented the same way? this isn’t me trying to gatekeep on who’s “trans enough”, and especially when it comes to nonbinary identities it’s arbitrary to harp on presentation like this. but like, what’s going on here?

taking a turn here that will come back around, an extremely key component to why i identify as and with men is my sexuality. i have always idolized, envied, and evoked various queer icons from media and real life. the hunky, grunting, macho, hetero version of “man” never appealed to me the way that the fashionable, artsy, flirty, homo version of “man” did. drag queens, my mom’s hairdresser, glam rock stars, i could go on. associating my more feminine qualities with GAY stereotypes instead of FEMALE stereotypes suddenly made more sense, and made me feel less dysphoric. it’s also something that took me a long time to realize, because i had surrounded myself with queers who were mostly attracted to women. transmascs and butch lesbians historically have a lot in common, but personally, i didn’t relate as much to lesbians as i did to drag queens. in dating and loving men, i developed my understanding of them. but my attraction to men was why it had taken me so long to realize i felt more like a man-- i thought i was just some weird straight girl.

now, am i calling these “GNC gay trans men” with long pink hair and poofy skirts and conventionally attractive bisexual boyfriends “weird straight girls”? ...well, not to their faces. but i have to admit that i’m thinking it. these people would never go to a predominantly-male gay bar, these people would never be harassed on the street. i’m not saying i know someone’s identity better than they do, but i don’t agree with the liberal utopian ideal of “let everyone do whatever they want as long as they aren’t hurting anyone” when taken to mean that we can’t question other people’s choices. “why do you feel like a man?” is a question that, coming from another trans person, isn’t inherently transphobic. it’s not “forcing” someone to “prove” their “transness”, no one “owes” me an explanation of their identity. i’m just confused. i don’t disapprove of the way these people live their lives, i just want to know why.

a straight girl being feminine is different from a gay man being feminine, because it has less to do with personality and more to do with society’s historic view of gay men as closer to female than male because of the loving and fucking men aspect. an AMAB gay man wearing makeup and a crop top probably just wants to look good, but he is also signaling to other men that he’s gay via gender non-conformance. by being AFAB and female-passing, wearing makeup and a crop top is not GNC. in fact it’s pretty GC, and gay men will not recognize you as a gay man.

it’s easy to say “gender is fake so do whatever you want”, but like, we have to acknowledge reality. time is a social construct too, but we still use days of the week when talking to each other. strangers will treat you differently depending on what gender they interpret you as. different people will be willing to date you or not. you have to choose which public bathroom to go in. if being misgendered doesn’t bother these people, then who cares? but if it DOES, which it usually does, wouldn’t you want to take steps to prevent being misgendered in the future? if your desire to present femininely is stronger then your desire to be seen as male, then like... why call yourself a male at all? ultimately nothing these people do will really affect me in any way. it just makes me wonder if these people will eventually go on to present as male, or if they will later ID as nonbinary or even cis. i encourage people trying out different labels and exploring their identity, so it’s not like i think these people SHOULDN’T identify as trans guys. it’s more like, i wish they were able to articulate WHY they identify as trans more than “because i said so”. not wanting to be a woman doesn’t automatically make you a man, it just makes you not a woman.

maybe i’m particularly cynical because of the MULTIPLE times that people with larger online followings who identify and present this way have later turned out to be lying, manipulative people. hopefully it goes without saying that i do NOT think that everyone who identifies and presents this way is a toxic liar. the reason i bring it up is because some people genuinely can’t understand the possibility or purpose of misleadingly claiming a marginalized identity, but it can and does happen. an analogy could be made here about white people claiming indigenous heritage. we all WANT to believe what people say about themselves, and asking for “proof” is a social no-no. but we shouldn’t just... automatically trust everything someone says about themselves, right? and as bad as i WANT to live in a world where gender doesn’t matter and everyone default uses neutral pronouns and there are no divisions in clothing stores and bathrooms, we don’t live in that world (yet). when you are AFAB, /extremely/ femininely presenting, and have little to no plans of transitioning, saying “i am a man” will not make other people see you as one. and if you don’t want to be seen as a man, then maybe you aren’t one.

[rantingsurvivor]

tw: details of abuse, description of past suicide attempts.

My name is Sean Evans, I am an autistic transmasc (ey/em or he/him) who lives in Abbotsford, BC, and from 2018 until June 2020, I was emotionally and sexually abused by Monica Phillips (aka "joyousmonica" or "supruler" on various sites, and an official "Pokemon Professor" who runs Pokemon TCG League events at House of Cards Abbotsford when they aren't cancelled cuz of the 'rona).

I started dating Monica in 2011, and she moved in to my house in early 2012.

In 2018, she cheated on me; when I confronted her, she told me that if I cared about her happiness, I would accept her relationship with the person she cheated with, Beru Bell (aka "spectacularbear"). At this point, Beru (also autistic & non-binary; uses they/them) began sleeping over numerous times a week, using my workspace as a bedroom. At this time, I was trying to prepare for vending at local Pride events, & was using the common area of our suite as my workspace overnight, particularly on nights when Monica was sleeping with the metamour she HAD told me about before starting a relationship (Liz; I'll talk about her eventually). My warning that Beru was going to sleep over for the night was that they changed into their pyjamas & started setting up for bed in my workspace.

I was accused of being "unwelcoming" for asking Beru to let me know when they were sleeping over before setting up for the night. Actually, I wasn't allowed to

Beru and I have another thing in common: we both have gut issues. In their case, onions were a trigger. When I eventually asked Monica to let me know when Beru was coming home from work with her so I could make sure there were some options they could eat without taking over our only bathroom for hours, Beru interrupted our conversation from across the room to shut down my boundaries. I later got in trouble for a tweet expressing my frustration at the incident, because it made Beru upset. I was accused of not accommodating their autism... because I asked for the ability to schedule my evening & the ability to access our single bathroom that was now being shared by FOUR people, and said that I needed to be able to set boundaries.

Beru Bell did not respect a single boundary I set until the point I insisted on going completely non-contact with them.

It's worth mentioning, throughout this whole thing, Beru had an apartment where they lived alone. Until *I* suggested it (after several months of attempting to be polite), the two of them did not spend any significant amount of time there. Beru DID spend a large amount of time at Monica's work & was just as "bad with boundaries" there as they were elsewhere, to the point where multiple people expressed concern that Monica would be fired from her job at House of Cards in downtown Abbotsford over it.

For a while after I went non-contact with Beru, I thought that Monica might have actually understood why I couldn't be around a person who constantly violated my boundaries, including one memorable occasion where I was lying in my bed half naked with the door shut & talking to Monica, & Beru walked in without knocking or so much as a single word with me & climbed into the bed to cuddle Monica.

During this period, Monica made a new friend, Claire. Monica was very concerned about Claire liking her... and Beru. She was not so concerned with Claire liking me, however. Claire has since accused me of lying about Monica, because Monica told Claire (as well as a bunch of other people, including people that I've never met) that I had no reason to actually dislike Beru & was... idk, jealous?

Monica's story became "Sean consented to me dating Beru & then changed his mind," which is also what she tried to tell the couples counselor we visited.

Not long after this whole mess began, Monica & I both started HRT. Yes, she'll probably accuse me of outing her, no, I don't give a shit- it's relevant to how she abused me. You see, Monica didn't like condoms, and since HRT had prooobably made us both at least temporarily infertile, she didn't see why she should wear one for PIV with me. I was not comfortable with this, but after she started arguing with my objections, I gave up fighting; I was afraid of "picking a fight" by explaining just how uncomfortable I was, not just from the pregnancy-risk induced dysphoria, but because she wanted to have unprotected sex after cheating on me. This happened twice before I basically started ignoring her requests for PIV & exclusively going down on her instead.

Of course, she had to ruin that, too. One day in either late September or early October 2019 (I am Extremely Bad At Dates, but I can narrow it down to like a 10-day window based on the light from outside & other details I remember a lot better than specific dates) Monica came home from Beru's earlier than usual & begged me to go down on her. I can't remember if she actually said the words "right now" when she asked, but she hadn't even finished taking off her shoes when she yelled "Seaaan, I really want you to go down on me" across the house. I remember thinking a couple of things in particular:

"I guess this must be an effect of progesterone that took a few months to kick in?" and

"Liz isn't just at work, she's on a trip, so there's no chance we'll be interrupted by her getting home early."

When I actually started, though, I was kinda confused at first. She tasted strange, and the texture of the fluids was off. Again, I thought it must be the changes to her body chemistry... until I'd consumed enough of the vaginal fluid coating her dick to actually taste HER and realize that what I was tasting before probably came from Beru.

The worst part is, I felt like I was obligated to get her off before I confronted her to confirm what I tasted. So I did. And then I confronted her about whether she'd had bareback PIV with Beru before getting me to go down on her, & she confirmed it. And I felt bad about upsetting her by confronting her, & blamed myself.

& this continued. Every 3rd night, she spent the night at Beru's. It became impossible to schedule around her on those days- when she was leaving, when she'd be back. I'd spend hours on the days she was coming home caught in a limbo because of my inability to actually set a schedule. Monica became even crueler & more distant.

It finally came to a head when I tried to kill myself twice in 4 days in June, at which point she was switching meds and cycling through (equally cruel) manic and depressive states. Both of my suicide attempts this year were motivated entirely by my desire to avoid or cease inconveniencing Monica and Beru. The first attempt was opportunistic & unplanned- around 3 am I realized I was bleeding internally, thought it was a potentially fatal rupture... and decided to try to go to sleep instead of contacting Monica for help. I finally gave in and sent her a message saying I needed to go to the hospital around 6pm the next day.

The second time, I wrote a pseudo-will, calculated dosages, & decided to gamble on whether Liz would brave the awkwardness of actually saying something to me when she got home or just hide in her room & ignore the world. Fortunately for me, she acknowledged me when she got home, so I asked her to hide the painkillers.

That's the night I dumped Monica. Since I broke up with her, she played games for like 2 months about getting her stuff from my garage, continued accused me of sending her to the psych ward (she was on her way there well before my attempts- burning thru half an oz of weed a week & dabbling in shit like GHB while underplaying the fact that her new meds didn't play well with weed was her call, & she made it pretty clear that my concerns weren't really worth paying attention to), and sent the cops to my home on a false "wellness check" in retaliation for rescinding a 5 star review of her workplace & pointing out that using the place where you work *with kids* to meet up with the person you're cheating with isn't cool.

Now, I end up seeing her every time I let my guard down traveling thru downtown Abbotsford, which is a problem, because guess what part of town my house is in? 🙃

TL;DR: Monica Phillips of Abbotsford BC is a rapist who emotionally and sexually abused an autistic trans person over the course of two years. Her partner Beru Bell initiated & participated in parts of the abuse, and repeatedly used their autism dx as an excuse to violate other people's boundaries.

[ladyloveandjustice]

The Great Ace Attorney Replay: Dual Destinies, Case 3, Part 3

Okay, so as we all know this case has a bad case of the genders

BUT I’ve sort of found a way to headcanon Robin as a trans girl, since it makes EVERYTHING said about her actually make fucking sense. like “I was raised as a boy to become a prosecutor but I didn’t want to be” who would actually do that to a cis girl in this day and age? They’d just tell her to become a prosecutor! It only makes sense if she’s saying she was dmab. It makes everything- her shame surrounding her attraction to girls close, her very performative masculinity- make more sense.

(and look, I’m aware the cultural context is different in Japan, but this has been localized, so I feel fine applying my American viewpoint to it)

SO HERE’S MY INTERP- Robin was DMAB, but she always knew she was a girl,. obvs. However, she was very afraid of rebelling against her parents so never really expressed this. When she went off into boarding school, she managed to get top surgery in secret and started taking HRT. However, to hide this from her parents, she used the weird brace thing, faked a deeper voice and said it was a masculine training brace to further please them.

Then Athena heard her inner voice etc and she felt comfortable finally revealing this in court. 

THERE, FIXED. Well, not entirely fixed bc there’s still a lot of gender stereotyping going on w/ how exaggerated Robin is and Athena outing her in court obvs isn’t good- but it would be more okay on Athena’s part if Athena was under the impression she was cis, which she seemed to be- and fortunately it all worked out. Robin was already planning to “reveal herself” even before this, as we find out later on.

ANYWAY MOVING ON

Athena: The court will notice this is different from the selective hearing men are so good at! Apollo: I think you’re right, but what was that last part? Athena: Never mind. Anyway- 

I adore her. I also love how Apollo kind of immediately proves her right.

Blackquill: The person you’d like to save more than anyone in the world? I’m willing to bet your defense isn’t what they desire.

Athena: B-B-But! I became a lawyer so I could-!

oooh foreshadowiiiiiing

Athena: If he thinks I’m going to give up now, he has another thing coming!

you tell him bb

anyway we end the trial with EVERYONE CONFESSING will the REAL SLIM SHADY PLEASE STAND UP

so it’s off to the next investigation day and Junie wants to switch lawyers since she wants to clear her friends names too. Prof. Means tries to intimidate Athena but my bb’s all:

Athena: HOLD IT! Junie...and Prof Means! I have a proposal!

Apollo: Wait this isn’t another one of your crazy-

Athena: BY SUNDOWN TODAY-

Junie: Yes?

Athena: I, ATHENA CYKES, ALONG WITH APOLLO JUSTICE-

Apollo: W-wait a second, don’t drag my name into-

Athena: WE’RE GOING TO DISCOVER THE TRUTH BEHIND THIS MURDER MYSTERY!

Junie: What?

Athena: AND WE’RE GOING TO BRING YOU SOLID EVIDENCE SHOWING JUST WHAT THE TRUTH IS!

Means: I see, it’s come to this, has it?

Athena: IF WE SUCCEED IN DOING THAT...I want you to accept the truth, Junie, no matter how hard it is to hear. Then you shouldn’t need anyone else to defend you except me! Have we got a deal?

WE DUEL AT SUNSET! I love her so much guys.

Athena: THERE’S NO LEAD IN THESE LEGS! I’VE BEEN TRAINING FOR A DAY LIKE THIS! OKAY ON MY MARK! READY, SET!

Apollo: No running for me. I’m done trying to keep up with you.

good choices, Apollo.

We’re talkin’ to Klav now. 

Klavier: The prosecution’s bench has taught me much about human emotions, passion and fight.

Athena: I can picture it now- you with your silvery singing voice and Apollo sweating bullets!

That’s actually fairly accurate to every single one of their trials, actually

Athena: I never knew Prof. Courte...but seeing her reduced to a white outline leave me cold inside.

Apollo: But in a way, she still lives on in the messages she left behind-

Ah Apollo, that’s swee-

Apollo: Like the strange way her body was posed and the signs of her wrists being bound.

....what the fuck Apollo

like that’s not a message SHE left behind, that’s a message her killer left behind when he killed her. it’s not like she bound her own wrists. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY SOMETHING TOUCHING ABOUT HER LEGACY AS A TEACHER.

I think defense attorney’s are required to be obsessed with their hair. Athena’s mentioned hers three times so far, which is about the average amount of times Apollo and Phoenix mention their’s during a case too, upon reflection.

Athena successfully repairs the GODDESS OF LAW statue. Judge Courtney would be proud. 

Athena: An unflappable banner? Hey I like that! I goes perfectly with unflappable lawyers and unflappable rockers! It was like it was made for this very stage!

Apollo: Look at this. The bottom part is all knotted up. Lemme try and unravel it.

Athena: Geez,did you really have to? You don’t come across an unflappable banner every day!

Apollo: Athena, there are some things that have to yield to forces beyond themselves.

Athena: What a cruel world we live in.

God you are both such goddamn nerds. I adore you.

Apollo keeps calling Athena “tiger” and I wonder if he thinks he’s Mary Jane Watson or something. 

Athena called Myriam a “failure of a reporter” back in court and now she’s depressed.

Myriam: I’ve been cast aside to waste away into a big pile of mushy paper mache!

Athena: (I kind of feel responsible for this but...)

Apollo: “Now’s our chance to prod her for information while she’s vulnerable!” I bet that’s what you were thinking.

Athena: What kind of person do you think I am?! (He read me like a book)

I love my ruthless, vicious darling.

She manages to both cajole Myriam into fixing her emotional problems, comfort her and blackmail her...AT THE SAME TIME.

Apollo: You scare me sometimes, Athena. You’re like good cop, bad cop, all rolled into one.

AND DON’T YOU JUST ADORE THAT ABOUT HER.

Myriam: See you around, Scary Lawyer Lady!

See, for me, that would be an affectionate nickname. 

AND SO WE UNCOVER JUNIE’S SECRET. Poor thing is really going through a lot. But Athena promises as her “VERY GOOD FRIEND” to get to the bottom of this.

AND SO IT’S TRIAL TIME.

I missed investigating as Athena. It felt good to do it again.