#hyper ass april

[coffee-drinker935]

Breaking Point

Commission for Gold Dragon! Winter finally loses it! She's tired of Weiss never taking lab safety seriously (And more so at it being at her expense) and all that anger seems to do her some good.  (Does this count for hyper ass April)

[thaddeusmcboosh]

SOUND ON

Animation done for Hyper Ass April starring the delightful @empressreina.

Probably the most ambitious animation I’ve done so far. Had a lot of fun. Am also very tired.

[dotthings]

The latest episode of the SPN Then and Now podcast gave us some insight into process during the early days of the Dean and Cas era. I transcribed a few bits to share.

First I really appreciate Rich's appreciation of Dean and Cas: "I love the origin of the Dean and Castiel relationship, I thought it was so engaging to have those two start building that rapport, that yes, maybe you said Misha had said maybe it was a bridge too far, I didn’t see that as a viewer, I just thoroughly enjoyed it, and I felt their connection sort of solidifying in a fun way that felt real and not hyper-dramatic." (This is extra neat considering Rich "I am the prophet of Destiel" Speight Jr directed ep 15.18).

Then there's the commentary from SPN director J. Miller Tobin, which gives us insights into the early development of the Dean and Cas relationship, Jensen and Misha's friendship, and their growing rapport and development as screen partners.

Rich: …to me, this was the first episode where I saw what the Dean Castiel relationship then looked like for the rest of the year.

J. Miller Tobin: It’s funny, then I watched it again this morning, and I kind of had the same feeling. This is sort of old Castiel, and he’s sort of starts to move into where he is for the rest of the series. There’s that shift into sort of the comedic tone in his relationship with Dean, it’s the Dean and Castiel show.

Rich: It really is. This didn’t exist before. It was a tonal shift.

J. Miller Tobin: Right.

Rich: Now I obviously know that some of that some of that must have been in the script. Was any of that something…like the personal space bit, was that scripted? Or was that you guys on the day?

J. Miller Tobin: I don’t remember. I don’t remember.

Rich: It felt like an improv because of the way it was blocked and he turns and there’s that scene…

J. Miller Tobin: That long beat, and again, Jensen is just a master at it, he barely moves a muscle and you’re laughing your ass off already…the truth is you just let those two guys start riffing. They’d known each other long enough now that they were very well aware this was kind of a shift in tone and they had a chance to start to play with it a little bit, and as good actors do it was subtle, and it was easy.

Rich: I just think it’s cool that you got to be the guy to sort of set that framework. Obviously the actors are doing a ton of that work too. But again, bless your hands…

J. Miller Tobin: I just like to get out of the way and let them do what they do best.

-Supernatural Then and Now podcast, April 8, 2024

[jadeylovesmarvelxo]

Just a lil fluffy fic 🌸💕

Eddie has a massive crush on you, in fact, more often than not you made him nervous.

That butterflies in your stomach feeling, heart racing? He felt it all.

Not that he would admit it out loud, shit he had a reputation to protect. Mean, Scary, unpredictable Eddie Munson as many in Hawkins High liked to call him.

There's a reason Jason Carver never had the balls to say anything to him unless he was surrounded by The Dark Side.

Dustin had noticed a few times how sweet Eddie was on you. For example except for Hellfire, Nancy and Robin, the fact was that Eddie disliked much of the school.

Oh, and Chrissy was pretty cool but she was a sweetheart to everyone.

It didn't matter that you were on the dark side too ( a cheerleader) Eddie lit up when he saw you.

He didn't think you would like him back but you can imagine his surprise when you would return his longing looks with some of your own.

You would smile at him and offer to be his partner in Bio, sitting so close to him it felt like every inch of him was hyper aware of how close you were.

Sometimes he slipped up and would come across as a giant butthead when he would attempt to flirt with you.

He had always considered himself a bit of a ladie's man when he wasn't being "mean and scary' however that illusion was broken by Mike (the little shit) who told him that he was deluded.

That combined with the fact he had just made an ass of himself in front of you ( his attempt to be cool and nonchalant when he caught you looking at him, ended when he tripped over his own feet and nearly fell down the stairs.

So Eddie wasn't in a particularly good mood after that, especially after he heard your friends laughing. Were you laughing at him?

The thought that you could be completely soured his mood.

What he didn't know is that you had told your friends to shut up. That you thought he was the cutest guy you'd ever seen.

You had been working up the courage to ask him out (gently encouraged by Chrissy who knew how much you liked him before you even realised it)

As confident as you were on the cheer team that's also where the confidence you had ended.

Being near Eddie and especially when he was looking at you with those big brown eyes rendered you dumbstruck. He was just so hot and had you under his spell.

If you asked Chrissy or Gareth they would both call the two of you hopeless (would you ever just get on with it and ask each other out)

🌸

The time came on a rainy April morning, Eddie was deep in a magazine, reading excerpts of it to the rest of Hellfire.

It was about the dangers of Satanic games like DnD. A lot of mindless panic and bullshit if you asked him.

It was much like the one he read a few weeks ago.

He was so focused on mocking the offending article that he didn't notice you come up to the table.

He was just about to speak again when two things happened simultaneously, Jeff nudged him hard in the ribs and he caught a whiff of your dreamy perfume.

And there you were looking at him with a hopeful expression.

"Hi, Eddie" he kinda spaces out for a second because you look so beautiful and did you do something different with your hair?

He's aware of the no doubt dopey expression on his face and schools it into a more neutral look.

"Princess" the name just slips out but it fits you so well that he likes it and it appears you do too judging by the smile on your face.

"There's a double feature showing at the cinema tonight. Would you like to go?" his brain short circuits at this point and he comes to quickly when he notices your face fall at his silence.

"Yes, fuck yes I would love to go with you" Shit, he's been dreaming about this.

You beam. "Kay, it's a date" he nods dazed and you reach down to kiss his cheek.

When you walk away he's this close to doing some goofy happy dance but controls himself. He had a date with you!

Eddie was going to be brave tonight and he was going to show you how much he liked you too.

Eddie the Banished would be Eddie the Brave Knight and perhaps he could steal a kiss from the sweet princess.

🌸

[a-dumb-sarcastic-bisexual]

Even more ROTTMNT headcanons

When Mikey was 5 years old he got super hyper-fixated on roller coasters 

Splinter found a book about roller coasters and brought it home for Donnie 

He finished the book in a day and gave it to his brothers because he wasn’t that interested

Mikey read the whole book and fell in love with roller coasters

He constantly asked Splinter to take them to an amusement park so they could ride one 

And once he found out that he couldn't ride one and Donnie couldn’t make one (give the kid a break he’s 6) he broke down

So the boys came up with an idea 

Mikey would go into his shell and the boys would toss him around

Obviously, this wasn’t safe and it sounds a lot funnier than it actually was 

But those were some of Mikey’s favorite memories because his brothers taught him how to make the best out of a shit situation 

Donnie used to be the biggest crybaby when he was younger 

He could be happy, sad, or hurt and the tears would follow 

But his brothers never made fun of him (most of the time)

If anything they encouraged him to cry

Leo used to say “crying is like coughing. You cough to get all the bad stuff out. And you cry for the same reason” (this is something my nephew told me and I thought it was the cutest thing)

Donnie called him stupid after he said that but crying didn’t feel bad after that 

But as he got older the tears became less frequent

The only time when he cries now is when he gets frustrated, angry, or sad

Leo got the nickname butterfly chaser when he was younger 

It wasn’t uncommon for his head to be in the clouds

And it was tough to tell if he was actually listening to you or not because he always has a spacy look on his face 

The only time he was truly focused is when he was doing something physical ie sports or training 

His intensity used to scare his brothers

Which is why he stopped training after a while 

He hated how focused his brain was 

And he hated how his brain would pick apart his brothers and show him their weaknesses 

He didn’t like that he was progressing faster than his siblings 

It didn’t matter that he was the one moving ahead because he felt left behind 

So he stopped training and put all his focus on comic books instead

Because he can’t hurt his siblings with comic books and movies 

When Leo gets embarrassed he will hold onto his siblings 

He’ll grab their hands or their arms and tell them to “shut up and go away” while laughing his ass off

Raph thinks it absolutely adorable because it reminds him of when Leo was little

Raph used to carry the boys around everywhere 

They would be sitting and relaxing and Raph would pick them up and walk around 

They were like sentient little teddy bears 

Leo had a nasty habit of biting his brother when he was younger 

And it isn’t even because red-eared sliders are cannibals he just liked to bite things

And after his brothers bitched to their dad about Leo biting them Splinter “bought” him teething toys 

The boys didn’t make fun of him because if they did he would just bite them again

Donnie hates stickers 

Absolutely despises them

He hates the feeling of the sticky side and the nonsticky side

He hates the marks that they leave behind

Anytime a part of a sticker touches him he loses his shit 

And Mikey loves stickers 

And when he’s pissed off at Donnie he’ll leave stickers on his tools 

So Donnie has to do his least favorite things 1. Apologize and 2. Ask for help

Leo Donnie and April are the biggest shit talkers in the group

They have a group chat dedicated to talking trash

They taught April Japanese so they could talk shit in public 

And there are times when they don’t even have to say anything they can just look at each other and lose their shit 

And Raph hates talking shit 

Any time he complains about someone he feels guilty immediately and apologized afterward

 Doctor Delicate touch will occasionally show up in their group chat to join the shit-talking sesh (no one knows how he does it and they’re too afraid to ask)

[melodymelancholyart]

We’ve reached 100 followers, and of course here’s your reward lol

The Smosh Pony Celebration Post!🎉

I’m going to supply the Smosh pony art I made in middle school , more art of the “Smosh in Equin” mock au, and Smosh pony designs based on Ian and Anthony’s current appearances! My two hyper fixations merged into an abomination of god!💕 This post is a long one so I hope you all enjoy!

I’ve noticed that some of you guys aren’t familiar with Mlp lore I don’t blame you I’ll supply some terminology and definitions so we’re all on the same page. I’ll be focusing on the lore of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic which I’ll be shortening to MLPFIM for simplicity sake. I’ll only go over really basic lore so you don’t need to watch the show to understand this post.

Cutie Mark - that weird symbol on a pony’s ass. They signify that pony’s ‘special talent’ or a symbol that represents their identity. These special talents are usually an activity that comes natural to its owners. Some can get rather abstract in meaning and design while others might be obvious. For example, a pony good at drawing might have a pencil and paper as a cutie mark. This gets very existential the more you think about it

Equestria - the central setting of MLPFIM ruled by two princesses. It’s home to ponies, dragons, and a multitude of fantasy creatures.

Pony - Ponies exist as three main types; Earth Ponies (normal horse), Pegasus (horse with wings), and Unicorns (wizard horse).

Pegasus (lore) - Pegasi can fly and move/stand on clouds. They usually work in controlling the weather. The weather is weirdly manual in the MLPFIM universe I’m not getting into it

Unicorns - Horses with a horn that allow them to use magic! Mostly telekinesis unless the pony is has raw magical talent (ie. Twilight Sparkle).

Earth Ponies - Normal horses but agricultural makes bank so they aren’t complaining.

Alicorns - All three horse types in one er a Pegasus with a horn.

(Made in 2012)

I originally made a cringey Smosh pony ‘series’ in middle school. All your favorite characters are here! Looking back, this entire concept was just really self indulgent. I shipped myself with Anthony (gurl wtf you’re 12??? Of course she’s an alicorn too lol) and some of these characters. As embarrassing as this is, I remember getting my friends involved, and we all would bounce ideas off each other about plot and lore. Just a bunch of preteen artists meshing what they love in one big project.

That being said if my preteen horse sona did meet Ian and Anthony it would probably be like this:

Cynicism aside I decided to draw the old designs of Ian and Anthony for old times sake.

I have no clue why they’re wearing hoodies like an eddsworld character or why Anthony has the Smosh symbol as a cutie mark but Ian doesn’t.

Fast forward to fuckin last year I got the idea for the April Fools Smosh horse thing and my brain just ran with it. This entire 'au' is one big satire of my middle school concept.

Terms like ‘cutie mark’ and ‘Equestria’ are replaced with ‘soul brand’ and ‘Equin’ since it doesn’t actually take place in the MLP universe.

Minor spoilers: Sketch ver. Ian and Anthony fuckin die and are reincarnated as horses forgetting their past lives. They grew up and live as social outcasts unable to use magic/fly properly because they literally don’t belong there and the universe is actively rejecting them. They fight forces that look like biblically accurate angels because they’re celestial bodies trying to remove them from the universe (Ian and Anthony are only fighting them because they think the big wheels with eyes are keeping them there but it’s actually something else).

With that being said, art time!

That got me thinking about what Ian and Anthony would look like if they were in the mlp universe. Of course my brain took this concept and ran with it. I’d like to share what I came up with!

Stellar Prism (Anthony) and Golden Horizon (Ian)

• They got their cutie marks together at the same time as kids.

• Gold’s talent is radiating sun energy that makes everyone in a 10ft radius happy. He literally glows when he’s happy.

• Prism can focus on someone’s talent and magnify the magic energy from them. I used Anthony’s quote of being a magnifying glass as a jumping off point.

• They preform comedy shows together akin to a manzai routine where Prism is the straight man and Gold is the funny man. They’d travel Equestria preforming together.

• Just like real life, Prism split from Gold because he felt like he didn’t know who he was without Gold. His talent is showing other people’s potential but he wanted to discover his own. While split, Prism studied more “unpopular” forms of magic to rediscover himself. He basically went through the abyss but came out on the other side self content. His ‘tattoos’ are side effects from these magic experiments.

• During the split, Gold met other aspiring comedians (other Smosh members) and they all formed into a comedy troupe.

• When Gold reunited with Prism, he was so happy that he accidentally flashbanged Prism.

• Prism calls Gold “Duck” because he looks like a rubber duck.

• Gold is a pretty fast flyer. He can out-fly most members of the troupe.

That's all from me! Thank you guys again for 100 followers! I've never really used Tumblr and I'm very late to the game. I'm still thankful for all the support I received! <3

Don't come cryin to me if this post got you to draw horses lol

[nerves-nebula]

Going from living in the southern US to moving to the northern US for work is insane bc like. White people seem to think the racism is all down in alabama and kentucky and shit and like. Yeah its there. Theres sundown towns and klan shit and my daddy got his ass beat for looking at a white woman too long.

But up north, man....People are just MEANER about it, idk what it is. Its like theyre more snide. They talk behind their hands and shit. They do the more like...quiet, insideous. They still have klan meetings, theyre just quiet about it. They quietly poison you. They ask me if I like henny or if I'm more of a lean girl and act shocked when I say I dont drink. They stare at a homeless white man and say "oh man he was a veteran, thats awful" but flip and say "ahhh that black dude over theres just a druggie its fine, pass him by."

White folks walk up to me and start like, bitching about the arabs and the indians thinking that because im not one of Them that I'll be on their side and say its okay.

Idk. Its very bittering. I wanted to move up here because I hoped i would escape it. But. Well.

But well indeed!!! I admit I’m not the best at being able to tell when racism is happening to me due to neither of my parents really being able to help me in that regard

(white mom who insists racism doesn’t happen anymore + African dad who is always away and is hyper vigilant about racism but doesn’t exactly understand the intricacies of antiblackness in America. They are both racist against black Americans and I never left the house growing up. also i might be autistic so picking up on when i'm being discriminated against is a bit of a battle too.)

But I do know that when I moved out to the east coast (california to be specific) for art boarding school I wasn’t invited back the next year because there were "concerns about my ability to keep up with the hygienic requirements" AKA: I was too dirty.

The dean of students (who later resigned because we all hated him) said I was dirty to my FACE and blamed me for bedbugs when there was literally no logical way they could have been my fault, and we had a ton of foreign students who could've gotten them while traveling, and they were also in dorms I’d never so much as stepped foot in. I was one of very few black students on that campus and I'd never been called fucking DIRTY to my FACE by a group of white people who acted as if that was a totally reasonable thing to say- and been blamed for something i could not possibly have done- by a member of my schools faculty before.

edit: got this on april 10th and saved it as a draft, then forgot to publish it.. sorry king !!

[3m0n3rd]

my ass finally finished a Wip *applause* anyway here’s angle

(Click image for better quality)

lil bit abt her

She/her, angle is 7 years old. She is related siblings to Casey, making her angle Jones. Angle is 4’11”, and looks up to Arrow and Casey. She’s also Mexican and Asian. She also has autism and sensory issues,

info dump under cut

Okay so when angle was 4, both of her parents died, and since Casey was 18 at the time he was able to take care of angle, so that she don’t have to go to a orphanage. While she doesn’t remember her parents Casey does and sees a lot of his mother her. She got her autism from her mothers as well as loving fantasy creatures such as fairy’s, unicorns, monsters, even though she isn’t afraid of them. Angle was the first person (besides April) to met the turtles. The turtles didn’t know what to do with her because they thought she was cared but she wasn’t because of her obsession with fantasy. So she would visit them when Casey was at work and when her nanny put her down for her nap. She would sneak out to the nearest manhole and climb down to hang with the turtles.

Arrow is not very good with children but Angle loves them most (besides Casey who is always her number 1) at first Arrow was obvious uncomfortable and didn’t want to feel any emotions so that she wouldn’t mutate. But when they got too overstimulated and mutate this only made Angle love them more. So Arrow was actually happy for once and was happy to be their mutated self more but only around Angle.

but one day she told Casey about the turtles and he obviously thought she was joking. But angle BROUGHT the turtles to their house, telling the, that no one was home and they could play dress up there (since the turtles didn’t have any 7 year old clothes like any normal mutant would) but she knew that the turtles wouldn’t come if there was someone they didn’t know so she surprised both parties with Casey and Casey the turtles. (Smartass little kid)

so that really start things off for Casey knowing the turtles. Anyway. Angle struggles with their autism, making it hard to verbally communicate and interact with others. When she first met the turtles Arrow was able to communicate easier than the other because they have autism as well and verbal struggles. Which only made angle like them more. Angle does not have many friends due to her struggles with speech, which is very lonely for her so it started her hyper fixation with fantasy

anywuyz that’s it’s for know ig

[gardengobbo]

April 9th 2024

It's so much better!! Oh my god, it genuinely was making me feel awful seeing the janky ass hack job I did previously which made it hard to get hyped about gardening things again. I've still not moved the peony, I know, I probably shouldn't at all at this point. But it's one of those ADHD hyper fixations I have now that I just can't let go. I just need to be careful digging it out.

I haven't slept yet, but I'm hoping today is the day it gets moved. I do also need to make banana bread, which I have been putting off for like 3 days now. To be fair a lot of things are getting put off because my mental health is still pretty tanked.

Enough of that, more garden talk! Well kind of, more like I'm still being an old disgruntled millennial trying to figure out how to make interesting short form videos so uh, here's one of a few I recorded yesterday. I'm going to post them in their own posts later 😂

[plaindangan]

How are the resident bottom heavy students of Hope’s Peak Academy celebrating Hyper Ass April?

Disclaimer: R18 material! If not to your liking then please do not view!

Chihiro was less 'celebrating' and more so just ended up being roped into whatever scheme of the week Celeste wanted to do with him and his mega buns. Perhaps it was dressing up in a bunny onesie that ended up ripping and exposing his doughy boy butt - something that was mooning Celes' camera with his big 'Easter Eggs' (which she ended up getting Angie to paint on to cover it up...but not before taking tasty pictures to sell for massive cash~)

Hiyoko is throwing her weight about...literally. She's pretty much enjoying walking around, knocking over nerds with her heavyweight ass and getting people to fork over their money or do her homework for her pulling up that kimono of hers and letting her victims get a nice face full of her marsmallow ass~ For the 'lucky' person she happens to think a bit more than usual, she has them give her piggyback rides. In exchange, said person gets one full minute of enjoying Hiyoko's ass for themselves. Oftentimes giving the brat's booty a good smack or two or even just passing out ontop of it after a long day of getting bullied.

For Kirumi, well, its something she tends to put up with. She's usually too busy to really care about such proceedings, but winds up getting dragged into the thick of it thanks to Kokichi. Someone's whose request typically winds up with her wearing a drastically shortened skirt, a rather thin dark green thong, and writing on both of her cheeks that read (from left to right) in an obnoxious purple: 'Seat Queen'. To add annoyance to embarrassment, Kokichi often applied permanent marker to her booty, which makes trying to get it removed a true hassle everyday. She reasoned that, after the fifth day of such things happening, its best to just let things run its course until the month is over. Though, for a few students, some have wondered if Kirumi really minded her thicc, clapping, ass being shown off constantly - heck, she seemed to carry herself with even more pride than before? Well, regardless, doesn't seem like she'll reveal the truth...that easily~

[coquettebelly]

Details.

I didn’t plan on showing my ass on the internet. Or my feet. Or turning out to be a full time giantess.

And I definitely didn’t expect to enjoy it.

But we’re a month in now, which is absolutely nothing for the seasoned veterans, but it feels like a lifetime to me.

March to April was a fantastic whirlwind of hyper obsessive research, newfound confidence, a few tears, and more than a few “ what the fuck am I doing ? “ moments.

I can’t wait to see what April to May has in store.

[thewitchescreatures]

Get to know Dr. Calix "Cal" Ren! (Werefox)

What’s their name?

Calix Ren. Sometimes he goes by Cal, but he really prefers not to

What’s their age?

Calix is 29 years old

When is their birthday?

April 15th. Which makes him an Aries!

What do they look like?

In his human form Calix stands at 5’7 (170cm), has shaggy short black hair which he usually keeps neatly gelled and slicked back, pale porcelain skin, and jade green eyes.

In fox form he is a small black fox.

What’s their species?

Werefox

What’s their ethnicity and nationality?

Calix is half Japanese, half Irish. He was born in Japan, but currently resides in America.

What’s their personality like?

Calix is intelligent, curious, and overall a very passionate man.

What are some fun facts about them?

Calix is a scientist! Specifically in the field of microbiology

Calix is oftentimes viewed as shy or antisocial by his peers. However, this is simply not the case. The reality is Calix is actually quite social, and even enjoys going to the bar or other social events with his friends or brother Ronan. But due to his tendency to hyper fixate on his work, he ends up forgetting to actually like… Talk to coworkers outside of the occasional “Mhm” when he’s in the labs.

Calix’s parents' names are Akio Ren and Orla Ren. His father Akio is a kitsune and his mother Orla is a werewolf. Hence why he and his brother are werefoxes!

Calix is the youngest of two boys.

Calix is not one for casual hook-ups or one night stands. In fact he’s openly against it and doesn’t like the idea of casually throwing something as intimate as sex around. He views himself as a gentleman and he wants to properly whoo or court his partner before getting into bed with them.

When Calix does finally get into bed with a partner, he’s very tender and gentle… At first. Once he’s comfortable and knows what his partner likes he will kick it up a notch and get really into the roles you two will have set upon.

Calix is a submissive guy in the bedroom. Regardless of his partner's gender he much prefers his partner to be in control. Whether this means his partner is riding him or he is the one doing the riding. The man will let you tie him up and fuck his ass!

Calix doesn’t have one favorite position per-say. But he’s very fond of doggy style and cowgirl!

He whimpers and begs A LOT if you tease him. Calix has a love hate relationship with teasing.

He LOVES to wear a butt plug while fucking his partner.

[griefbuilt]

𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑺𝑯𝑬𝑬𝑻

𝐛𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

FULL NAME.  oliver  deacon  gauthreaux

NICKNAME.  ollie  ,  o

GENDER.  cismale  

HEIGHT.  5′10

AGE.  25  (  april  9th  )

ZODIAC.  aries

SPOKEN LANGUAGES.   english  ,  some  french

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 !

HAIR COLOR.  black

EYE COLOR.   dark  brown

SKIN TONE.  medium

BODY TYPE.   athletic  ;  mesomorph

VOICE.  rough

DOMINANT HAND.  right

SCARS.  large  scar  on  back  where  crescent  mark  was  gouged  out  ,  rope  /  vervain  scars  on  wrists and neck  ,  cigarette  burns  on  arms  and  hands  , scar on hair line ,  smaller  scars  from  fighting  with  jackson  /  isaac  /  aiden  

TATTOOS.  n / a

PIERCINGS.  n / a

BIRTHMARKS.   small  birthmark  under  right  eye  ,  a  few  scattering  his  arms  ,  chest   and  back

MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S).   accent  ,  smile  

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 !

HOMETOWN. houma  ,  louisiana  (  ?  )  

SIBLINGS.  isaac  steele  ,  corinna  ricci  

PARENTS. jasper  steele  &  beatrice  ‘  birdie ‘  gauthreaux

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 !

OCCUPATION.  public  nuisance  /  mikael’s  boytoy

CURRENT RESIDENCE.  mckinley,  virginia  

CLOSE FRIENDS.  jackson  kenner  ,  aiden  lebeau  ,  nick  lebeau   (  recently  strained  )  ,  scarlett  rivers  ,  mikael  

RELATIONSHIP STATUS.   taken  (  ?  )  by  mikael  

FINANCIAL STATUS.  poor  

DRIVER’S LICENSE.  do  not  let  this  man  drive  your  car

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 !

SEXUAL ORIENTATION.  biromantic  bisexual  (  sex  favorable  and  romance  favorable  )  

PREFERRED EMOTIONAL ROLE.  demands  equal  input  in  relationships  (  or  cuts  them  off  )  

PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE.  switch  ;  tends  to  be  demanding  

RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES.  relationships  tend  to  be  fast  and  loose  ,  drawn  towards  figures  of  authority  /  power  ,  craves  stability  ,  tends  to  date  older  ,  likes  to  feel  protected  /  taken  care  of  ,  incredibly  adoring  /  affectionate  with  words  and  gestures  ,  will  try  to  smooth  things  over  with  sex  ,  demands  the  adoration  of  long-term  partners  ,  jealous  ,  needs  some  level  of  playfulness  to  thrive  .  has  some  difficulty  recognizing  when  relationships  becomes  physically  abusive  ,  remains  flirty  but  his  hyper-devoted  to  partner  (  and  expects  the  same  )  ,  non-judgmental  ,  thinks  rough-housing  is  a  love  language

LIBIDO.  high  

TURN ON’S. confidence  ,  aggression  ,   authority  ,  power  ,  strength  (  physical  and  emotional  )  ,  protectiveness  ,  roughhousing  that  turns  into  sex  

TURN OFF’S. naivety  ,  pacifism  ,  meekness  ,  detachment  ,  badmouthing  isaac  /  jackson  ,  innocence  ,  pretentiousness  ,  docility  ,  correcting him when he speaks

LOVE LANGUAGE.  gives  words  of  affirmation  and   physical  touch.  likes  receiving (  all  of  them  )  words  of  affirmation.  physical  touch,  and  quality  time.  

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 !

CHARACTER’S THEME SONGS.  alligator  blood  by  nicole  dollanger  ,  family  tree  (  intro  )  by  ethel  cain  , in  my  father’s  house by  mirel  wagner  ,   sun  bleached  flies  by  ethel  cain  ,  haunted  houses  by  emma  ruth  rundle  , no  one  is  ever  going  to  want  me by  giles  corey  , cry  for  judas  by  the  mountain  goats  , family by  noah  gunderson  ,  reminders by radical  face  ,  werewolf by  cocorosie  ,  why  didn’t  you  stop  me  ?  by  mitski ,  exile  by  taylor  swift  &  bon  iver  ,  adam  (  reformatory  )  by  nicole  dollanger

HOBBIES TO PASS TIME.  playing  cards  .  flirting  ,  fighting  ,  darts  ,  hunting  ,  puzzles  ,  rewatching  episodes  of  i  love  lucy  and  gunsmoke  with  great  uncle  cj  ,  country  music  ,  hustling  pool  ,  getting  his  ass  handed  to  him  by  mary  ,  finding  tacky  decorations  for  the  holidays  ,  feeding  stray  dogs  /  cats  ,  praying  ,  sex  ,  jackson’s  full-time  guard  dog  

MENTAL ILLNESSES.   anger  management  issues  ,  adhd , ptsd

PHYSICAL ILLNESSES. n  /  a  

SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL.  was high in most aspects.  has  recently  become increasingly insecure / wary.  

[shuichi-iguchi-enjoyer]

My OC! I was gonna write a blurb on the side but I have more to say than I had room for so I’m just gonna type the info here. This is a long post, I’m very long-winded. Oh also have you ever made an OC as a joke but then you just kept adding like backstory and personality traits until they accidentally turned into a character you actually like? Yeah that’s what this is. Oh! And I forgot to say but left is one of her casual outfits and right is her villain costume

(TW: mentions of abuse, weapons, murder, I mean this is a LOV OC so yeah)

Name: Chloe (no last name)

Villain Name: Puppy Love

Quirk: Dog (Chihuahua). Grants her the abilities to smell anything within a 12 mile radius (including being able to know a lot about people from just their scent), fast reflexes, good running speed (only when running on all fours though), heightened hearing, as well as dog ears, a tail, big eyes, and sharp teeth. Basically, “she can do everything a dog can do”

Age: 20

Height: 4’8 (143 cm)

Birthday: April 28

Personality: hyper, bubbly, easily excited, naive, obedient, loyal, easily distracted, talkative, ditzy, probably annoyingly overly friendly

Place Of Birth: Los Angeles

Reason For Joining LOV: I’m not going to completely delve into her whole backstory, I’ll do that another time esp since I’m still working some things out, but she was a victim of an abusive pageant company (the pageants were sort of a front for something more sinister) that bought girls with “desirable quirks” and trained them to participate in pageants and then to eventually produce more girls with that quirk. She escaped that system when she accidentally murdered one of the leaders and was forced out of America for her own safety and went overseas and happened to find solace in the LOV, especially since there were heros that were involved in her mistreatment.

Weapon(s) Of Choice: gun because American lol, a long leash she uses as a lasso (mostly to retrieve items and on weak enemies as some enemies could definitely break it)

Likes: meat, hygiene/beauty products, dancing, singing, fashion, everything Y2k, celebrity culture, interesting-smelling things, physical affection, chewing on things (gum, food, toys, people, you name it)

Dislikes: loud noises, I’m trying so hard not to say cats rn it would just be funny, having “no purpose” (like not receiving orders to do something, she has a sort of complex about not having “a purpose” in life), running out of hygiene products especially hair products

What’s In Her Juicy Couture Bag?: her rhinestone-encrusted phone, makeup, comb, Victoria’s Secret body spray, pink bone squeaky toy, gum, beef jerky, dental floss (to get the beef jerky out of her teeth), a rhinestone-encrusted weed pen, an actual pen (one of the ones with a fluffy bit at the end) and small notebook (don’t try to read it, her handwriting is atrocious and if she catches you she’ll probably bite your hand off), cash, and a fake ID

Other Info: I sort of “ship” her with Spinner but like I also don’t think she’d be romantically interested in Spinner at first. For some reason I need her to have a hopeless crush on Dabi for a while while Spinner pines for her lmao. She’d be besties with Spinner, though, and would insist on cuddling with him and stuff which I think would drive him crazy (in a… good way? I think). Eventually she’ll realize that Dabi is an asshole and hates her (although I think she’d be able to sense it all along but just not care for a while) and that the high level of friendship she feels for Spinner has slowly turned into loving him. Idk why my aromantic ass comes up with these cheesy scenarios but yeah lol. Also she gives Toga and Magne Y2k makeovers and they have like girl nights sometimes. I imagine she’s so naive and friendly that the rest of the LOV have to specifically order her NOT to go up to their enemies all like “HI I’M CHLOE WHAT’S YOUR NAME?!?! :3” and she definitely said that exact line to every single one of them at some point while getting up in their face. Most of the LOV have likely never had someone willingly get so close to them (especially Spinner and Shigaraki omg though Shigaraki probably wants to turn her to dust while Spinner’s just a blushing mess)

Ok this post is already way too long so I’m gonna cut it off there bye lol

[liugeaux]

Repost Vol. 59: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - A Movie Review

Oh boy, a new TMNT movie is coming out next week! To celebrate, let’s take a look at my review from the last time Paramount launched a TMNT movie series. Time hasn’t been kind to this film, and I’m happy to say its sequel was higher quality, but I’m even happier to say this iteration died very quickly. Here’s to hoping Mutant Mayhem is a better reboot.  

Cheers!

Originally shared via realitybreached.com on August 8, 2014.

For better or worse there’s a new Ninja Turtles movie in theaters. Its the first release since 2007 and the first live action release since 1993. The Turtles have a VERY mixed history when it comes to films. The first movie gets universal praise, but everything after it is hit or miss. I really dug 2007’s “TMNT”, but that’s not the movie we are talking about here. Sigh, let’s just get this review out of the way, so we can move onto bigger better things.

No movie this year went through as much scrutiny as the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Even I, the self-proclaimed biggest TMNT fan in the known universe, was hyper-critical of the entire film making process. Not only did I dedicate an entire post on my personal blog to the production of the movie, but an entire episode of the Reality Breached podcast was dedicated to destroying the film…pre-release.

Needless to say, I wasn’t expecting much. I went in cautiously optimistic, but in the end there’s alot of stuff wrong with that movie…too much. Let’s start with the good, why not? One thing the turtles have always been good at is humor, and this film hits that nail hard. Hands down some of the funniest stuff ever seen in the series comes directly out of Michelangelo mouth here. Pair that with well placed “Raph is angry jokes”, Will Arnett being Will Arnett, and an absolutely hilarious elevator sequence, if you don’t laugh you might actually have a broken soul. Also, for the most part the cast was good, Arnett was a highlight and Fichtner played bad-guy really well despite having a half-assed script from which to work. The biggest casting surprise was Megan Fox. Sure she played April a bit too ditsy, and her constantly pouty lips were out of place most of the time, but Fox didn’t under or over play her part. In fact, she almost fit the role. She was enough eye candy to make you not hate that she was on screen, and she wasn’t too damsel in distressy. Amazingly, of all the things that broke this movie, Megan Fox was not one of them.

The action was also pretty decent, there’s an exciting Splinter/Shredder fight, and the turtles get really physical with the foot clan. The much shown downhill snow fight is the highlight of all of the visuals, though. Its as ludicrous as it is flashy, but in a movie starring 4 talking mutant turtles it works well. This is gonna get a bit spoilery, but the fears of many fans were quickly put to rest as the characters got introduced. Despite being marketed as “the Shredder” Fichtner is quickly revealed to be a new character (Eric Sachs) and the Shredder is seen very early being Asian and very classicly Shreddery. I’ll need to watch the movie again, but that could be something was added or changed at the last minute during the infamous reshoots. Nevertheless, the changes made to the origin are much more similar to the changes seen in the current IDW comic series than any other version of the story. While not ideal, the origin didn’t offend me until giant inconsistencies popped up mid-story, but again, of all the things that broke this movie, the origin was not one of them.

Fun is to be had while watching the movie, and if you can COMPLETELY detach yourself from both your brain, your concept of proper story structure, and wear huge plothole blinders, you may really in enjoy it. And by enjoy it, I mean the way you enjoy terrible B movies starring retired wrestlers that come on the USA network. With all these good not terrible things in the movie, all the writers had to do was glue everything together with a consistent and coherent story. That’s the part that Liebesman and company get tragically wrong, the part where the movie has to actually be a movie.

I’ve spoken at length about how much I dislike the designs of the turtles in this film. That has not changed. Obviously the production design team decided that since zero script time would be spent developing the turtles as characters that they needed to communicate their individual characteristics through the gaudy nonsensical clothing each turtle was wearing. You tell me where on earth would you find a pair of sunglasses that would perfectly fit a head the size of a watermelon, like, a BIG watermelon. To communicate Donny is the smart one they loaded him down with the biggest stereotypically techy back-pack they could animate and even went as far as giving him coke bottle eye glasses. Donatello’s portrayal of smart or nerdy people in this film is almost as bad a The Big Bang Theory. The only two turtles with significant screen time and lines of dialog are Raphael and Michelangelo. Leo and Donny are just window dressing on the movie’s concept of Mutant Turtles. Dumb!

The Foot Clan’s motivations for their actions simply don’t make sense. Again, spoilers, but the idea is for Eric Sachs, to release a flesh eating disease on the city of New York and blame it on the Foot Clan. He would then sell the antidote to this disease to the city and make billions of dollars. Let’s not deconstruct the fact that Sachs is already an extremely wealthy man that owns multiple companies and has enough money to do whatever he wants. Instead let’s look at the deal the Foot have in place with Sachs. While Sachs gets money from the con, the Foot supposedly get power. Releasing the disease, and selling the cure doesn’t give the foot clan power it just kills people. Once the antidote is spread, things return to normal, and the foot clan have an even bigger target on their head. That’s not a deal, that’s being a scapegoat. Dumb!

15 years ago, Splinter and the turtles were created in a lab by Sachs with mutagen containing a cell regenerating agent that could make him tons of money. This means that Splinter, a normal rat, was never exposed to the art of Ninjutsu, something so crucial to the framework of the origin story, that Ninja is in the name of the characters. Splinter being trained in or even being exposed to Ninjutsu was not-so cleverly replaced with Splinter conveniently finding a book in the sewer that explains exactly what Ninjutsu is, with detailed pictures. Splinter is now a self-taught Ninja master, that within 15 years, learned the art, and trained his sons to use it. That screams of a writers room stuck trying to figure out a way to write themselves out of a hole. “Screw it, let’s just say he found a book, ninjas can teach themselves right?” Dumb!

Every scene in the movie is seemingly held together with thinly veiled plot devices duct tape. How does Sachs find the turtles? The business card he gave April just so happens to be a tracking device. How do the turtles get from Sachs home to the tower they need to protect? The snow hill scene, just so happens to be a short cut directly to it. Oh no 3, of the Turtles are captured, and their blood is being drained. How are Raph, April and Vernon going to save them? The tanks they are in just so happen to also have a massive amount of adrenaline on tap to inject directly into the captive turtles. It sure was convenient there was so much adrenaline available because they sure did need it in the fight scene immediately following the injection. Let’s just discard the idea that 3 of the turtles just had what seemed like gallons of blood drained from them. I’m sure they were good to fight a giant robot ninja master. Dumb!

Unexplained explosions, physics defying iron girders, slow-moving gravity, bullet-proof soft underbellies, virtually unguarded captured mutant turtles, a paper-thin plot, Tony Shalhoub as Splinter, this movie has so…many…problems. Its unfocused, poorly executed, badly written, and painfully predictable. Everything bad about this movie can be summed up in one quote from the movie itself. “Drain them of all their blood, even if it kills them!” Yes folks, that’s what we are dealing with here, a primary villain, who also happens to be a scientist, that is unsure of what will happen if you drain a reptile of “all their blood”. Dumb!

With all of that said, I’m not going to say don’t go see it. Its fun, it clearly doesn’t take itself too seriously and like the Transformers movies, it will have you smiling really big at several parts. The classic turtles references are few and far between, but they hit pretty hard and one thing they got right was the four turtles sense of family. That sense is only present for like 20-30 seconds of the movie but its there and kinda touching. TMNT’s flashy visuals and non-stop action will keep your attention, but beneath the shiny veneer is a cobbled together shell of a movie (pun intended). The worst part is that if it ends up making bunches of movie, which it will, these god-awful turtles designs will start to appear in the other forms of the characters. The Nick show might get all brooding and the TMNT will start to wear dumb-ass clothes, or the comics will abandon actual art and just let the 12 year olds that designed these giant hunks of disgusting start drawing the panels. On second thought, don’t go see this movie, only bad things could come of it.

Verdict: Don’t just don’t, I can’t even being to…no, just stop…wait…yeah, just go watch Guardians of the Galaxy.

[demonfox38]

Completed - Star Fox Zero

Before we can get into a proper conversation about "Star Fox Zero", you have to understand three things about my particular brain and biases:

I don't like claiming that I am good at anything. (Mostly, because I am not definitively the best at anything. All I can guarantee is base competency.)

I am good at "Star Fox 64."

I am a proficient bassoon player.

1 and 2 relate in a comedic way, sure. What's up with 3, though?

Well, I bring up the whole bassoon background because the bassoon is one of the more mainstream weird-ass musical instruments. It's a double-reed bass instrument that requires proper breathing control, responsive embouchure, memorization of proper fingering techniques (ha ha, yes, I know), and the ability to read in bass clef (and tenor, if you're dealing with some real dickhead composers.) A music ed teacher does not just hand a child a bassoon and tell them, "Good luck!" It requires musical competency and practicing. Just absolute shittons of hours of practicing so you don't sound like a dying duck. But, if you get good at it, you'll always have a seat in a band or orchestra. It's weird, sure, but it adds warmth and speed to bass lines. There's value in its weirdness, which I hope is something we know and appreciate, being denizens of this so-called hellsite.

What's the point of me bringing up playing the bassoon in a "Star Fox Zero" review? Because I am used to practicing weird shit, and that's 100% going to color my perspective in this game.

Also, I might like this series.

Just a teeny bit. (Hell, I even forgot a few things...)

"Star Fox Zero" is a 2016 rail shooter / driving game for the Nintendo Wii U. It is best classified as a soft reboot of both SNES' "Star Fox" and the Nintendo 64's "Star Fox 64", although it is far more comfortable hanging in the pockets of the latter. The beats should be fairly familiar to most "Star Fox" fans. Doctor Andross is being a scientific asshole; he's got the Lylat System curb-stomped; General Pepper hits up mercenary team Star Fox for help; lasers get jammed up nasal cavities. Ya know. Standard "Star Wars" meets "Bambi" plot, if you have the mind for it. (Or, if we want to be hyper specific, Shinto iconography meeting "Thunderbirds". The former comparison may be a bit more parsable, though.)

There's a veil of pity and tragedy around this game, which caused me to stay my hand in playing it until 2023. First of all, it's one of the last projects associated with former Nintendo president Satoru Iwata, who effectively died in the saddle. Like, what can I say about that situation but "Damn" and "RIP." Secondly, a lot of people were bitching about the controls. A lot. Lastly, I didn't even own a Nintendo Wii U until April of this year. I wasn't going to buy a console for one goddamn game, alright? That's not what a reasonable person does. Besides, so many Wii U games were being ported to the Switch. I was willing to wait a little while just to see if "Star Fox Zero" got to jump ship as well.

It's 2023. The Switch ship has sailed. Nintendo's eShop has closed. Wii U consoles are succumbing to memory loss. It's not now or never, but…c'mon. I know how the Nintendo used game market works. This is about the lowest price point before nostalgia and console degradation jack prices back up. And hey—the Wii U I bought did come with "Super Mario Maker." So I didn't buy a console for just one Wii U game. Ha! Ha…

Whaddya say? Want to start with ripping a bandage off first? Has to hurt more with fur, I'd imagine…

About those dreaded controls, then. Honestly? I didn't find them that unintuitive. I do think there's a problem that happens when a "Star Fox 64" brain maps onto them, though. Considering how outrageously popular that game is in comparison with its sibling titles, that's a fairly big hurdle to leap.

For the sake of this conversation, I'm going to show you my controller grips between "Star Fox 64" and "Star Fox Zero."

Here's "Star Fox 64":

(Manual image sourced from: https://m1.nintendo.net/docvc/NUS/USA/NFXE/NFXE_E.pdf)

Here's "Star Fox Zero":

Obviously, we're working with wildly different control sets. The initial brain shock comes from moving primary functionality from face buttons to controller triggers. Like, when it's been memetically drilled into your head to tap the Z or R buttons twice to…well, you know the line. You're going to try that with the Wii U controller as well. Then, you're going to be very surprised to find bombs and lasers going off instead.

Basically, in "Star Fox 64", your left thumb is navigation, your pointer fingers are used for defensive actions/threading, and your right thumb is used for offense and specialty actions (evasive maneuvers, going into different perspectives, and hailing calls.) In "Star Fox Zero", your thumbs are handling navigation and evasive maneuvers while your pointers handle offense. For three out of your four play-responsible fingers, that's an inverse of operational duties. A bit tricky!

Having said that, I picked up on the thumb stick shortcuts within two practice sessions. Once I understood how to somersault with the sticks (left down, right up), I thought, "Well, can I U-Turn by left and right down?" And by God, that was correct! Didn't need anyone to tell my ass how to barrel roll. Figured that out, too!

Weapon targeting is a particularly contentious subject in this game. The game wants you to improve your accuracy by using both the cockpit (first person) view and the gyroscope controls in the Wii U gamepad to pick up your targets. While it can't be completely turned off, you can set the controls to only take gyroscopic input into account when you are charging lasers. And you know what? 100% do that. No need to have that always slipping around. There's exactly one boss I've encountered where having them on all the time helped, and that one was optional. And a dick. But, I suppose that's to be expected of a boss…

The last major controller issue has to do with the split of external ship and cockpit views being simultaneously displayed on your TV screen and your Wii U gamepad. Now, which view is where can be toggled by hitting the minus button, so you don't necessarily have to crane your neck down every time you need to consult something in one view or another. However, this dual screen setup is wholly a bad design choice. "Star Fox 64" was able to have the same functionality with a single screen and a dedicated button for flipping back and forth between views if you really had to do that. Which, honestly, was pretty rare to begin with. If something really needed to be put on the lower screen, that should have been a radar/map. Even, then. Lower-right corner of the TV screen. That's where "Star Fox 64" had it. Dead horse, beat.

It could've been fun to have a set of "Call Teammates" buttons down on the Wii U gamepad. Ya know. Just to harass Falco in the middle of a firefight. "Hey, girl. How's it going?" "NO TALKING WHILE THIS LIZARD IS TRYING TO EAT ME!" That kind of vibe.

And if for some reason you thought of something dirty involving Leon Powalski, that's between you and your morality-affiliated consultant of choice, my dude.

So, alright. You get your Arwing controls down. Congrats! You've got four more machines to learn! The main ship variants this time around are the Walker (think like "Star Wars"'s AT-ST, but made out of Arwing parts), the Landmaster (a tank with its own aerial form now because why not?), and the Gyrowing (a helicopter used for stealth and hacking missions.) The fourth, the Roadmaster, gets tossed in after you finish the game, so you don't have to sweat learning that one too much. It's like a hostile RV toy.

Of these, I took the most issue with the Gyrowing. It is easily outclassed and thrown away the first opportunity the game gets. Honestly, I know the Blue Marine gets shit-talked, but that submarine was at least solid at offense and chugging along. Gyrowings, oof. Not so much. Even the baby toy machine can outperform that thing. Absolutely ridiculous.

If I may speak positively, for just a moment—I actually liked the Landmaster design scheme better in this game than "Star Fox 64." Heresy, I know! I just didn't feel weighed down using it like I did in the past. And, granted, that may have been because the Titania level in "Star Fox 64" could really chunk up its framerate. But, here? It was smooth and responsive to what I needed it to do. Gotta award points where they are due.

Although, if you want to see some chunky framerates, go fight the Aquarosa boss. Or don't. (It's the pain-in-the-ass optional boss that I was ragging on earlier.) It's just one of those things where if you commit to fighting it, you've got to do it twice to get into two bonus stages. And, I mean, hell. Even Hercules did good enough fighting the Hydra once…

If I may give more credit, I also found the aesthetics of this game to be strong. I could have used better camera positioning for what I saw, sure. But, I genuinely liked what I saw. In particular, I really thought that the Titania level for this game was oddly beautiful, with pieces of debris from a nearby fight raining through the storm-swept desert atmosphere. The music for this game is on point, too. While some themes are recycled from "Star Fox 64", there is quite a bit of new music diversity. It's all composed gorgeously as well (if a bit excessively for Andross' theme.) If you want some samples, try out the following links:

Boss A

Inside the Colony

Planet Fortuna (and child track Dangerous Skies)

Return to Corneria (My favorite track!)

Stage Selection

Training (Part 2) (There's actually five parts to this!)

In additional audio perks, there's a lot of returning voice actors from "Star Fox 64." I mean, not everybody. (Rick May's a notable exception, but the guy was having awful health towards the end.) Whoever couldn't get picked up got pulled from the 3DS remake as well. Considering how much the English version of "Star Fox 64" thrived on its hammy performance and cheesy dialogue, this is definitely a point in "Zero"'s favor. Frankly, I think some of the voice actors have even gotten better over time. Lyssa Browne particularly has come leaps and bounds in her performance as Slippy Toad, if you'll forgive the pun.

Appreciation of late 90s English video game dubbing is wholly a subjective matter. But, I do find something charming about its raw authenticity and goofiness. We might still have meme culture without one or two titles. But, man. "Star Fox 64," "Castlevania: Symphony of the Night," Metal Gear Solid," all of those "Resident Evil" games…The Internet would be a duller place without the vocal work from those games.

Speaking of all these credits—what credits is "Star Fox Zero" going to give you? Outside of general plot advancement, you can get medals for excellent performance. These are usually granted for kill counts, sequence breaks, collecting certain items, finishing a fight under a certain time limit, or general competency. Granted, earning these doesn't seem to reward the player with much. You do get access to bonus missions, but the greatest rewards are model swaps of your Arwing, a model viewer, and a sound test. Completely pointless—especially if you have access to the OST on YouTube or a couple of Amiibos laying around the house.

Beating the game will also open up an arcade mode where you can shoot through the entire game again in one run. That's a bit more tempting, but honestly, quite overwhelming even to someone like me. I mean, I can handle "Star Fox 64" because it's a quick hour. Going through a "Star Fox Zero" run could take several hours. That's a pretty big gamble, man. It feels like going back a step as well. Like, you know how much more polished I could be at "Star Fox 64" if I could just re-run specific levels on demand? I mean, I guess there's always save state abuse, but I'm trying to discuss playing these games through legal means, here.

I don't think the plot here is enough for a casual player to cling onto, either. Especially, again, if they've played "Star Fox 64" before. It's mostly just rehashing that script, but with Andross dicking around more with space portals than bioweapons. The whole experience comes off as less thought-out and/or mature than "Star Fox 64," even if that's a weird detail to bang on about. Like, I shouldn't complain about seeing clowns in a circus, should I? Trust me, I love the goofy goober banter everyone has. I just wish a little extra polish went into it. Especially for the intro. Like, God. I'm pretty sure that some Cornerian Minister of Propaganda wrote that thing.

Although, General Pepper is a huge asshole this time around. Like, holy shit. It would have literally been more ethical if he put two rounds in the back of Andross' head. You can't toss a mad scientist into another dimension and not expect him to come back and kick your ass Krang style. Not to mention how quick he was to ditch Peppy when the latter was in distress. Like, geez, dude. Isn't he your friend?

I did end up liking the Star Wolf beats better here. Mostly, because they weren't just chumps for the easy pickings, this time around. Also, the implications of whatever James McCloud is in this universe is significantly more horrifying than it was in the past…

In some ways, the problems with "Star Fox Zero" are the problems that have been with the "Star Fox" series since Game One. These games are siblings to titles like "Devil May Cry" and "Parasite Eve" in that all three were accidentally successful betas. ("Star Fox 64" and "Devil May Cry 3" may be even closer related in the "Oops! We succeeded even harder!" department.) If you don't anticipate something being successful, how much thought are you going to put into its future? Perhaps the only reason fans and executives sweat over this detail is in relationship to Fox, Falco, and Wolf's "Super Smash Bros." related popularity. Although, I pity anyone who would fret over lore for Ice Climbers or Mr. Game & Watch like some do for "Star Fox" characters…

Harder still is trying to keep gameplay fresh and relevant to modern audiences. I mean, let's be real. "Star Fox" games are essentially souped-up "Space Harrier" titles. They're concentrated, arcade-difficult challenges meant to test your memory and reflexes. In a world that values a game's breadth of content over mastery of skill or difficulty (minus FromSoftware titles), that's always going to chop off the tails of these kinds of games.

And, hell. I've heard the "controls suck" complaint before, too. It was just for "Star Fox Assault" instead.

My personal problem with "Star Fox Zero" lies more with my thoughts about stagnation versus radicality. Plotwise, this game takes its events way too conservatively. Control-wise, well…we know about how that ruffles feathers, don't we? If there was an inversion with these two details—having a wild, engaging plot with a standard control scheme—this could have been the revival Nintendo wanted for the series. At least, that would have made for a sweet struggle.

Developers and players want "Star Fox 64" again. But, what does that look like in a modern era? Hell, what's even the silver title to that game's gold? I mean, I'd accept several different answers, depending on what a player got out of each title. The only wrong answer would be "Star Fox Command." That melodramatic, noncommittal garbage got us into this mess.

Personally? If I had to make another "Star Fox" game?

The "Star Fox" series appeals to me in not only its learnable difficulty, but its comradery. Fox McCloud would not be the sort of character that I would want to play if he begrudged his teammates. (Eyes on you, Slippy haters.) He's trying to do the right thing, not only for his father's honor, but for their sakes as well. I would want to construct a game that puts more emphasis on teamwork, even in a single player setting. Now, what that looks like could be tricky. "Star Fox 2" and "Command" fell into traps trying to do that. But, I'd have to try to do something, even if it's banal as stat boosts or motivational dialogue via radio communications. (Although, resource scouting/sharing might be an interesting twist. Does your partner trust you enough to attempt shield repairs in a firefight? Hell, would you for them?)

Even if a single confrontation is all it takes to knock Andross out of a timeline, it's harder for another villain to get out of his shadow. (It doesn't help that every other Nintendo character gets dedicated villains as well. It's all patterns fixing patterns.) Maybe, we don't need to. Hell, I could easily see scenarios where investigating some forgotten lab of his unleashes some horrific bio-techno monstrosity that lays waste to a handful of planets. It's not the most intelligent solution, but hell, neither were Aparoids. Didn't mean they weren't a legit threat.

I mean, if we really want to get messed up, the Lylat System is very poachable, if you get my drift. Particularly, if the wrong set of hunters were to come across it…

The simple answer would be just to make "Mass Effect" or "Halo," but for furries. But, personally? I'd want to toss "Star Fox 64," "Star Fox Assault," "Sin and Punishment: Star Successor," "Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin," and "Resident Evil 4"into a blender and chug what comes out. I know. Absolute madman shit, especially considering how I kept getting sick from "Resident Evil 4"-related adrenaline rushes. I know what I want out of a "Star Fox" game, and that's to go fast, kill some messed-up stuff, and vibe with my teammates. If I do it with my head in a bucket, then it'll at least be authentic to what it'd actually be like if I had to dogfight.

The flesh is weak, but the brain is sharp. And man, does it crave high-speed violence.

"Star Fox Zero" brought a lot of emotions out of me. Satisfaction, for having finally experienced it. Frustration, for letting the opinions of others cloud my interest with it. Sadness, for how the series has languished. But, it's all in perspective. Yes, this came out a decade after a predecessor that I found distasteful. Yes, it's been seven years without another game. (Well, hell, not even that, if you want to toss in "Starlink: Battle for Atlas" or "Super Smash Bros. Ultimate.") The past is written. The future is unknown. I have what I have now, and I can find value in it. And, hell. As rough as that might feel, it's still not as raw as "F-Zero" fans have got it. Or even harder, "StarTropics" fans.

If you're looking for anything like a course of action from this evaluation, then I must recommend that you play "Star Fox 64" first. OBVIOUSLY. If that whets your appetite, fantastic! I can recommend you harder and/or weirder shit after that. Hell, maybe even this game, if you want to roll up your sleeves. As an introduction to the "Star Fox" series, it's about as appealing as a haunted house. But, if you are desirous of that kind of nail-biting shock, this is a solid game to play.

I wouldn't say that you have to be like me and pick up a Wii U for just this game. But, if you've got the console and ten bucks to spare, this game is cheap enough to pick up. And if you hate it like saner people do? Then, all you'll be out is a cheeseburger. Benefits of being a late adopter to a Nintendo game, for once! How often does that happen?

Do yourself a favor; dodge "Star Fox Command." Do an indie developer a favor; pick up "Ex-Zodiac." Do Rick May a favor; get your COVID-19 vaccinations and boosters. And, obviously…the last order writes itself, doesn't it?