#i AM a lil trauma cry baby but that’s beside the point

[androidboy]

gf has been in a bad mood lately and she’s coming over tonight and ngl i’m a lil anxious about it. i’m a sensitive boy rn i need to be treated real niceys

[toukenramblings]

Nightmares: Yagen Toushirou, Fudou Yukimitsu, Taikogane Sadamune

This is actually very interesting, digging into Sada-chan’s mind like this.

Warnings: Suicide, burns, blood, bodily harm, trauma because Yagen and Fudou have so much. Sada-chan being a sad baby pls hug all of the tantous.

Yagen Toushirou

Yagen’s dreams are full of fire. They’re not of him burning like Honebami’s, but more so of the burning of people he cares for, the people he tries to protect the most. Ichigo, brothers, friends, you his master. Watching them waste away in a fire and there is nothing he can do to save them.

Oh but the ones that hurt Yagen the most are when he can feel himself cutting open the stomach of someone he is meant to protect, organs and blood spilling out on to the ground below. Nobunaga had done so with him once. Gods forbid himself from hurting another like that.

Honnouji haunts him yes, of course it would. The fires, the screams, the pain, the sorrow, the lives he had to end. He awakens with a silent scream whenever that happens, tears budding at the corner of his eyes. He would like to wake up his brother but he is asleep, he won’t want to disturb him.

Then there are the nightmares that center around you, his master. If you and Yagen are particularly close during this time, he imagines himself driving his own blade into your form. His hands against yours, almost leading you into doing the dastardly deed. It is when he is waking up from that nightmare does he come to visit you, making sure that you are alive and breathing. He doesn’t mean to wake you if it happens, but when you do, Yagen will hesitate for a moment.

“Can...I come in?” he would question, and when you do, you two sit in silence for a moment. Yagen doesn’t know what to say, his lips tightened into a straight line, fangs chewing on his lower lip. You can see the bags under his eyes and when you ask what is wrong, it takes a moment for him to answer. “Nightmare.” his words are soft and simple. He won’t ask for much comfort, but your presence is good enough. Maybe he’ll hold your hand and feel your pulse, to confirm that you’re alive. Maybe he doesn’t need words to tell you what is going on through is mind, perhaps a touch is enough.

Maybe in the morning and in the following days, he’ll hesitate to touch you. Maybe he’ll keep an eye out for you, almost terrified whenever something sharp was in your line or vision. Yagen will watch you like a hawk but he wouldn’t want to overstep his boundaries. You know that he is doing this because of his nightmare and when you two talk it out, it’ll be fine in the end. He’ll worry but he knows you can take care of yourself.

Alternatively, Yagen will take a walk to clear his mind. Sometimes he will talk with Ichi-nii, telling him of his worries and his fears. Of his hands against the hilt of his own blade, dragging it oh so slow across the skin of his family, as they scream in horror and terror. 

His shoulders will shake, tears held back, Ichi-nii or one of his other brothers will hold him close, running a hand through is hair and telling him it’s okay to cry.

His sobs are soft as he is, quiet as the morning dew. Shoulders shaking, his heart stopping for a moment. He lets out his cries, his shudders, his fears, hoping that they will be lighter.

Yagen will be fine in the end, sure the nightmares are just that. Nightmares. They won’t hurt him, they are not physical beings that could rend him apart. But it does not change the fact even he fears them.

Fudou Yukimitsu

Fudou doesn’t know if the alcohol he drinks helps bring on the damn things or makes them go away or whatever the hell. He just knows that whenever those damn nightmares come, he wakes up with the most horrendous of screams in his solo room, the scent of alcohol replacing the scent of burning flesh and wood. He’ll immediately reach for the bottle again, hoping to drown out his worries and sorrows.

It’s a cycle. Drinking to forget the nightmares and day-mares that haunt him, of the failure that he is. Those screams and the patronizing chide of Hasebe or other swords, it eats away at him.

If you and Fudou are close, he will wander his way into your room or office, reeking of alcohol but for once not at all super drunk? His head is pounding as you look him in the eyes, red and puffy from crying. Fudou doesn’t know why the hell he’s here, but he just wanted someone to...talk to?

He collapses in front of you, tears fully falling down his face now. It’s heart wrenching to say the least. It’s ugly sobbing, loud and snot everywhere. He clings on to you, to the point fabric may rip. THe only thing you can do right now is to hug his shaking body, rub circles into his back and shush him, comfort him as best as you can. He doesn’t know where to go, who to turn to. Sure Odagumi are an idea but if you two are close, the first person he thinks of is you. 

Fudou would begin to apologize once he had calmed down, apologizing for being so weak, so useless of a sword to you. He would say those through his tears, laughing at himself and his shortcomings. You have to gently wipe them away, assuring him that those are not true. Fudou is Fudou, he is not and will never be useless.

If Fudou does not go to you, the first thing that comes to his mind is the rest of the Odagumi. He’ll stumble into one of their rooms (most likely Hasebe as he has a solo room and he doesn’t wanna disturb the rest of the Toushirous and Samonjis) and will wake him up, sobbing all the while. Hasebe will freeze for a moment, before bringing Fudou into a strange sideways hug. 

Fudou doesn’t know how long he can keep this up. These nightmares of a fire, or of failing the people around him. He wants to be stronger because of this, it hurts him so much that he wants to shrivel up and die like Nobunaga had. A part of him wants to join them, to throw himself into a fire and be with the master he loves - unable to ever return the favor.

The next morning, Fudou is a lot more quiet than normal. If you two are close, Fudou will be almost rivaling Hasebe in staying by your side. Yes Fudou will still be drinking to chase away the nightmares but it’s not as much as he normally drinks. HAsebe will find it odd that Fudou is hovering around you, silently yes, and somewhat still at a distance but Fudou is watching out for you more and he cannot complain.

Fudou will talk about his nightmares to you, or Hasebe, or whomever, but they’re jumbled through is sobs and cries. Give him a minute to compose himself, he’ll be alright in the end but patience is key.

When Fudou has had enough of these damn nightmares, the first thing he will do is barge into your office, a confident yet terrified sort of look on his face, courage in his eyes. “Uh.... Well... You'see, there's something....” pls cherish him im so proud of my baby boi

Taikogane Sadamune

Sada-chan’s nightmares don’t come as often as like Yagen or Fudou. While those two will have them much more frequently, and they are beyond violent, Sada-chan’s creep up on him. They start off fine and then creep into unsettling and terrifying. Yes Sada-chan does wake up with a start and sometimes a scream, with tears streaming down his eyes, but he won’t hesitate to seek someone out.

Like Yagen, he will try not to disturb the rest of the Dategumi sleeping in his room. If you and Taikogane are close during this time, he won’t hesitate to see you out, running into your room or office where you are, knocking on the door - quiet and reserved, different from the norm. When he does enter the room, there is a forced smile to his lips, big and proud - yet not reaching his eyes.

He will plop himself down beside you, silent for a moment, unable to look you in the eye before leaning against you. He will begin shaking lightly during this time, trying to keep his tears in, it won’t look cool if he starts to cry! “Master...am I annoying?”

One of Taikogane’s biggest fears (other than to be forgotten like Micchan) is more or less being a burden to everyone. He is hyper-active, a showstopper, proud of himself, but sometimes he wonder if that’s too much for the people around him. Yes he fears the rest of the Dategumi dying or hurt but Gods forbid the dreams where he thinks everyone hates him. Perhaps it’s a childish fear, but he cannot help but worry about it.

Hug him during this time, gently assure him that you love him dearly (platonic or familial) soothe his worries as much as you can dear Saniwa.

If Sada-chan does end up waking the Dategumi from his screams, they jolt awake immediately. It is Micchan is is awake first then Tsurumaru with Ookurikara very close behind. They will ask what is wrong and though Taikogane will try to play it off, smiling all the while - it is Tsurumaru who brings Sada-chan into his arms first. In a way, they all take turns hugging the boy, calming him down. Kara-chan will give him soft sideways hugs, no teasing for Kuri today, Taikogane more importante. 

Those dreams where everyone leaves him, tells him to his face that he should not be here, or snide comments, they hurt Sada-chan’s pride. He can only bounce back so much after all. His energy is finite despite how boundlessly adorably bouncing he is. He worries that he may be forgotten like Micchan one day, but he worries the most about if he’s annoying or not.

Those are the nights when each of the Dategumi will also take turns cuddling him, rocking him to sleep. Most of the time the duty falls on to Micchan and Tsurumaru, sometimes Ookurikara will do so in his own way - taking Sada-chan out for a walk to clear his eyes and give him some choice words about his worries.

In the morning after and maybe a couple of days after that, Taikogane will be much more subdued. He will be a lil bit more quiet than normal, preferring to stay near you or the Dategumi instead of interacting with everyone else.

But slowly does Sada-chan come outta his shell, the boundless energy he’s known for coming back. He’s doing his best because of the people he loves and the people that love him back!

[ageofevermore]

as this year comes to an end, and we all hope for a better experience in this next trip around the sun, i’m entirely grateful for those of you who have made this year more then just tolerable. if you haven’t already figured this out, i adore each and every one of you and will take any opportunity to declare my appreciation for your existence. 

@harryforvogue → although im unimpressed with how often you make me cry, i will never not reread masterpiece, sugar kisses, 40 weeks, fine line, lotus & falcon and walkin’ in a winter wonderland at three am. i am completely enthralled with your talent, your characters and baby fucking laila! just like i completely adore you, you fucking scorpio queen. 

@killingbxys → i love you to the fucking moon! if starbucks ever fucking has a normal schedule again, i look forward to our lil dates. until then, i will continue to cry about flowers, beat you at imessage games, and send you voice messages when i’m too angry to type to 7000 thoughts per second. 

@deionswannabegirl → isabella, i love you. we’re trauma sisters now, and emotionally bonded together by our tattoos. one day we’ll get to have a conversation about tinkerbell, but until then, i will gladly message you through anger and encourage bad bitch bella bc she’s my favorite. 

@stiles-o-dylan24 → the many nicknames you’ve accumulated throughout this year is impressive, and quite possibly the length of a novel. the way i adore you is unmatched! you’re so talented and ugh, yeah, that’s my ted talks for tonight 

@teen--marvel → it’s the way i get shook every time i remember you have a southern accent, like that’s what i think of 75% of the time when i see you on my dash. that and the fact that your hair kinda reminds me of ariel, but that’s completely besides the point. i love you, even when you yell at me to waste my time doing things like homework. 

@geminiparkers → i adore your dry humor! you are a fucking badass gemini queen and i am completely immersed by your presence on this site! 

@jellyfishbeansontoast → i love you, you blind bitch. do you hear me? i. love. you! we don’t talk very often, but when you come stand in my ask box and then tell me about the random things you’re doing at ungodly hours it makes me night! but, please, for the love of god fix your sleep schedule! 

@dmonchld → raesin. i’m glad you’re back bud, my dash was very dry without you, and i didn’t realize just how much i loved seeing your url on my dash until you said bon voyage! 

@pink-meringues → im lighting a candle for you and waiting with a g&t. my best bitch whose as dumb as me! i love you! and im going to miss you so so much when you break ties with this literal hellsite. but, im so glad you’re doing what's best for you, especially because it means you can break away from some people and go get engaged to will hehe. 

to everyone who i don’t talk to as much: you all have made my year amazing, and i fucking would get unadopted by one direction for each and every single one of you. so, if we’ve talked at all this year, happy fucking new year and may 2021 be worth the fucking wait.

@duskholland @themaddies-obx @x-lulu @demxters @mischiefandi @https-luna @fallinfortom @rafej-cambanks @chloesapogue @alexa-playafricabytoto @lettersofwrittencollective

alright, i promise i won’t declare my undying love for the lot of you again until valentines day, then nobody’s fucking safe 

[dazaithefirst]

AtsuLucy & AtsuKyou

Disclaimer:

I do not hate any of the characters, except Fukuchi Ochi, and I respect every ship BSD has. If I could marry every single one of 'em, I would. This is a post of my opinions about AtsuLucy and AtsuKyou. Also, there are manga spoilers here so I hope you wouldn't mind. I hope I won't get canceled here like how I got in Facebook because I ship AtsuLucy and not AtsuKyou/Shin Soukoku. As I've said earlier, I respect all the goddamn ships and I just want somebody to here my opinions or I just want to simply say it here. If I've said a wrong thing, please notify me. Thank you and take your time reading it!

I am a big AtsuLucy shipper. To be honest, I like how they look out for each other. Here are some of my insights and why do I ship them:

They experienced the same type of abuse (not that I wanted to be abused lol) so there might be times that only the two of them can know what's this and that (okay, is head canons alrighty? I hope so);

Atsushi is a good guy. In fact, he is a cute adorable fluffy little angel but we all know that he doesn't like his enemies like the Port Mafia and The Guild. But when they defeated Lucy's Anne of Abyssal Red, he felt sorry and said that he understands what she feels;

The way Atsushi sympathizes with her despite knowing just a part of her past, I love it. I need more of it. It makes my heart flutter;

Also, the way he approached Lucy after losing to him, is so cute, awkward and soft all in one. Imagine your enemy asking if they can do anything for you, damn Lucy is one lucky girl;

Manga Spoiler, when the ADA was accused of being the nation's terrorist, Lucy made a rallied outside the government just to say that "Atsushi is not evil" and "The Detective Agency is innocent", oh how I wished she worked in the ADA even as a part time (it was Ango who spilled that Lucy did it and maybe the latter didn't expect that);

Atsushi was certain that he saw Lucy after the Three Way War and said that he hopes Lucy isn't teaming up with the criminal organizations (Port Mafia's one of the organizations I guess) to take revenge on them. And please, notice how Atsushi was straight looking at the paper he was holding and then BAM! he saw Lucy, I mean if it's the tiger's ability then otay, I'm not gonna be delulu anymore *sniffs*;

Lucy gave Atsushi the parachute she was saving for her own escape. She let him escape Moby Dick through her ability and Atsushi was worried about her safety for she's gonna be trapped there. He even promised to save her there and he was going to went he infiltrated Moby Dick but sadly, Shin Soukoku suddenly sailed so even I have forgotten that Atsushi promised that he was going to save Lucy. It was funny for me when they got a chance to have a little casual talk when they've retrieved Kyouka's parents' documents;

Manga Spoiler, lastly, Lucy was a great asset when AtsuKyou are heading next to the Sky Casino, where Sigma is. After some events happened in the Sky Casino, Sigma fell on the sky and Atsushi jumps out of the Sky Casino and catches him but he eventually let go of Atsushi. Nathaniel's ability hits Atsushi's tail, which is his support, and he was knocked out. Then my girl Lucy saw it and jumps off the Sky Casino too (like it wouldn't cost her life), she reached out for Atsushi's hand and then voila! Welcome to Anne's room;

Another one is Lucy calls Atsushi by the name "Toraneko" which means tabby cat like how Akutagaw calls Atsushi "jinko." And then I just realized that Kyouka never called Atsushi's name or maybe it's just me?

Anyways, I am itching for Bungou Stray Dogs Season 4 ackk!!

Yes. I did shipped AtsuKyou at the beginning of the series. Okay, lemme just share some of my insights about this ship:

I shipped them when I literally thought she was 16 but it turned out that she's 14. It's the first red flag for me. I know that Atsushi is a baby but Kyouka is literally a minor.

At first I thought it's was fine 'cause they only have 4 years of gap;

But had anyone never thought that Kyouka's behavior towards Atsushi is like Akutagawa's behavior towards Dazai;

Remember that one scene in season 2 where Atsushi was finally caught by The Guild and Kyouka just stood there crying and just said, "Why? Why did you show me the light? Why did you give me hope? Goodbye. Please don't give me anymore light."

Okay, I admit. That was very pathetic. But as I think about it, she had trauma and was literally abused for three years or so, so I really can't blame her. Kyouka was told that she is more suited in the dark and all she knew that time is that she killed her parents with her ability. What a sad life, bub;

When I've read the manga, I've read it after season 2 'cause I was growing impatient for season 3, there were so many changes to the anime like the second picture of AtsuKyou up there. Atsushi was supposed to land on Kyouka's shoulders and not in her lap;

The scene where Atsushi asked Kyouka how's the bathwater was so cute. They looked like a couple to me and it just reminded me that I'm gonna be single forever;

And when Kyouka passed the entrance exam, I was so happy (of course who wouldn't). I dunno why but I saw a platonic relationship in my laptop's screen. (Their "Welcome home", "I'm home" of them looks like they're a married couple tho). But when Kunikida scolded the both of them, I saw siblings. ISTG THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY EYES!

To be straight to the point, I think she's either unhealthy attached to Atsushi because he showed her light or she's just overprotective of him (seriously, a 14 y.o girl protecting a 18 y.o baby? otay).

Kyouka is one the characters with a great character development. Some say her character is boring and I can't blame y'all 'cause she have a lil bit of Sasuke's aura, like that one quiet kid sitting beside the window with the face saying that her clan was murded (Kurapika is now drowning in an indescribable emptiness) but Kyouka has a visible soft side so she cute, otay? Tho I wonder where did she learn to drove that car on Dead Apple at the age of 14 'cause my 14 y.o ass can't even step on the gas and brake without shaking in fear. Long story short, despite everything happening on BSD, I'm still a AtsuLucy shipper. I'm still rooting for Shin Soukoku, but AtsuLucy is my heaven.

[plzfuckinendme]

I really think I’ll be dead before the end of the summer. I want to have fun and go to the beach and drink and smoke weed and just be reckless and act my age for the summer. I just want a chance to live a little bit before I die. I don’t know if I’ll even make it the whole summer, but I’ll try. I know that I’m at a point now where everybody will be okay. My mom and biological dad don’t seem to care that much anyways they haven’t in years, I know they’ll be fine. Matt might be a little hurt but he has Lilly and Sam he’ll be okay. Jess is going back to college after the summer so she wouldn’t have been seeing me anyways, she’ll be good. Danielle will have a lil baby to take care of within a month and then she’ll have all the happiness she’s always wanted, she’ll be so occupied with that that she’ll barely notice my absence. My sisters will be fine I don’t see them much anyways. Most of my family doesn’t really talk to me besides the people I listed. I don’t have any other friends besides Danielle and Jess. Shawn doesn’t really love me that much anymore anyways. He decided that months ago. I’m clinging to a relationship that is so broken because I love him so much and I just wish he loved me like he used to. I wish he didn’t decide to cheat when it got tough. I wish I wasn’t so naive the whole time. I wish he didn’t say everything he said about me. I wish it was all different, maybe I wouldn’t be so fucking hopeless. Maybe he’d be sad for a little bit but I really don’t think it will take very long for him to move on. Hell, he moved on while I was still alive and only changed his mind because he got caught, he’ll be just fine. He already told everybody how much of a bitch I am and how much he hates me so he’ll be great. It kinda sucks to know everyone would be just fine if I wasn’t here anymore, but at the same time it’s relieving. Everybody will have a good life, maybe even be happier without me here worrying and crying and hurting all the time. I most certainly won’t go all 13 Reasons Why on them and leave anything blaming them for it. Sure people have hurt me plenty in this life, but this is all on me. This is my decision. Maybe I won’t even leave a note. They all know how broken I am: the depression, the anxiety, the trauma from everything I’ve been through. That all is enough of an explanation. I’ve made little hints at people over the past few weeks, I don’t think anybody believes I actually have the balls to do it. Hey, maybe I don’t, but at this point everything just kinda seems hopeless.

I can’t even get myself to concentrate enough to read a book. I don’t want to go hunting or fishing. I don’t have it in me to love the things that I have always loved. I don’t have anymore fight in me. I don’t have the energy to sit around and pray that it gets better and try to push through it anymore. I’ve been trying so hard for years. I just put myself through Hell with work and school and basically worked myself to death trying to give my life meaning, but for what? What do I have? Nothing. I can’t afford a new car or a place to live on my own. I don’t have any hobbies now. I’ve always loved my work, I’ve always loved helping people and touching lives, but no matter how many lives I touch, how many people I help, it will never fix me. Helping save other peoples lives apparently will not save mine, even though I always hoped it would. My anxiety has only been getting worse lately, I’ve started disassociating a lot again which is my least favorite thing ever. It just kinda feels like everything is getting worse, like my body is telling me it’s over. It’s saying “okay you’ve put up a good fight but you’re done now.” I guess that’s okay. I’ve lived plenty of life. I’ve experienced as much crap in my 18 years as most people have in a lot longer. I’ve gotten to help people. I’ve loved, I’ve lost, I’ve been betrayed and broken and lied to, but I got to be happy- in little periods of time even if they never lasted very long. I think I’ve done all the living that I have in me. I hope my mom takes good care of my kitties, I hope she doesn’t get rid of them. I don’t want anything to happen to them I love them most out of everything in this world. I’ve been a really bad mom to them lately and I feel terrible about it. I know it’s hurting them and they probably think that they did something wrong. I really hope they get plenty of love when I’m gone. I really hope my parents get it together and can live happily and comfortably and not have to stress so much. I hope Danielle’s a good mom. I hope Jess finds happiness. I hope Shawn figures out what he wants to do in life and he gets to be happy. I hope my little sisters get better. I hope every person that I love has a long and happy life. I hope they all understand. I hope they know how much I love them.

[honorthymunn]

Enough is Enough...when I have  no sensitivity and rarely around me...

Enough is fucking enough when I have to try to remove my own sutures, when I have to stop and breathe almost passing out just to get up the hill to the hospital which has no bus route.

When Doctors upon Doctors need an emergency contact and a support person and I just leave it blank...looking down as I whisper there is no one.

When I cannot even know the littlest yet to me most precious bits and pieces of Chloe as my oldest always states “Not Right Now Mom”...the right now never comes & my soul survives for the thought of her.

Elle, I am at her mercy for she has the info that could save me...My No Matter What promise to Chloe has loosened that noose on the tree when even hanging failed me.

I feel forsaken expected to laugh through the losses, walk hills faster with cancer, not worry, be scared, complain, reach out...anything cuz it interrupts her happiness. 

So as Ive mastered suffocating in silence, in there again...at the mercy of the key-holder to what little left can ease the lack of breath shall it be a time she uses that key when nothing is going on in life if she has a minute.

The silent rage, sufferings, sacrifices and even simple needs will be here suffocating within me as a slowly fade. 

My mother tortured me for almost a lifetime and still I honored her.  My name was on her doctors list, I made time for her appointments, took care of her, bathing her, even the sacred act of tending her feet. 

Although broken...her fears were eased as I digested her regrets and anger with little acknowledge until days before the end.Then I rendered my greatest gift ensuring she was not to die alone.

I took my own soul breathing it into her for what seemed like hours.  Not even a thought crossed me as i am on ground zero with EMT courageous n selflessly giving her all the beautiful heartfelt words of worthiness so she got to feel that love, that honor...instilling her worth.

I divinely carried her soul through the realms of her passing.  All this...to give her everything she refused me...her soul set a free.

Me accepting silent suffocation with little to no chance of ever relief...

All the while being assaulted on a soul level by an ungrateful younger brother who’s memory obviously vacated; attacking the one soul who threw herself in front of gunfire, violence, trauma

...even putting myself between him & one of Daddy’s Druggies who was like a beast sliding a knife up my 3yr old brothers neck just glaring as if I would scare and run.

Instead I boldly came face to face with Wild Bill his knife blade set to shred my baby brother’s head as he so innocently lied asleep.

That mutherfucker said “Someone’s head is being cut off here & now...Who’s It Gonna Be?” i swear the devil leaped out of his eyes testing my honor, my will and my love for my dear brother. 

Swift as a wolf I raised my head up to him as I pushed my neck up high silently declaring...Then take me. Raising his Rambo style knife to my throat I never shifted my gaze...letting that bitch know you’ll have to behead me taking my life while you look into my fearless eyes.

Suddenly as if a ghost appeared his eyes where scared and he startled pulling back that blade before he jumped out Lil Frankie’s bedroom window onto the back storage & off into the night.

Hearing my mother screaming down the stairs rocking back n forth with ambulatory aid. I confronted her in disgust stating “What are you so freaked out & scared?  Mom...”He pulled a gun on me”...again her needs

... so trying to inform her; he not only put a gun to my head in the hallway that night ...he almost killed my brother Frankie yielding a knife against his throat which was about the size of his 3yr old head...was as futile as expecting her to be a mom.  

Springwood would force me to be fearless, protecting my Lil brother’s sheltering their pain by always throwing myself into danger to be the shield. 

My dad was always huddled in some corner all scary like with a spoon that I guess held his drugs, lighting it over a glass of water.  I was so scared & frantic that by chance if I didn’t watch over my brothers. my dad’s drug uses, and missed a cup of that water it could kill one of my brothers. 

Well over a year I got up at 5am going through everything rinsing out all glasses of water also hiding residue. Fearing my Lil bros, unaware of the danger could expose themselves to it or worse drink one of Dad’s drug glasses of water. 

No one knew of this besides my therapist, until confronting my mom prior her passing and now...in this random therapeutic rant.

One morning i awoke just a few minutes later than usual...knowing my bros were up early too I ran down the stairs into the kitchen.

Hence my worst fear...my cute Lil bro Marvin wearing my purple polo shit, with his cute cheeks, freckles and red poofy hair...was already in the kitchen taking an almost full drink from one of dad’s cups...

I panicked and instantly reacted by slapping him in the face with my right hand so hard the blow forced the water to spurt out his mouth.  I barely saved him, ashamed I didn’t get to that glass...this moment created a trauma so deep it haunts me even now. 

It was Not ..doing whatever I could to care & protect my bros not caring of my expense, as I’m the big sister if I didn’t take this job on they’d be scared, unable to protect themselves from the violence and trauma I so vigilantly & desperately tried to shield them from.

It was the look on Lil Marvin’s face...in sheer shock...traumatized by his big sister...and why she slapped him so suddenly when he did nothing wrong...that look  of despair  left me broken silently screaming what the fuck is wrong with my parents?”

...I couldn’t explain to Marvin or Frankie why I did that, They were too young to understand plus keeping them from seeing/knowing all the bad things going on was my job. 

Trauma allows little memory of my plight, never telling them I often wondered if they thought I was a bad big sister...My Mom’s death last Dec. 2016 swiftly assaults me with that answer.

My whole childhood seemed in vain; as Frank verbally shattered the few patched up pieces of my existence. Especially him, I was devoted...

my parents left my brothers with this weird couple to watch them a few hours - lack of care - me not there - lead to a huge physical trauma to my Frankie.

One full leg was shattered, his pelvis broken and the upper other leg broken as well.  He was in a near full body-cast for almost a year, only 4, mom & dad couldn’t keep him safe...so big sissy was determined to keep him cared for. 

We lived in the projects and since mom barely made meals and we had little food most times. I would take Lil bros over to the rec center for free lunch every day. 

There was this tight left/right/then left fenced entrance...no other way could we get in.  So bis Sissy proudly smiled as she patiently and strongly carried her Frankie, in full body-cast which also had a bar connecting the legs to keep the core in place

...all the way from their apartment which was very far (in kid glasses) to that rec center for his daily lunch.  Sometimes they’d run out and I gave up mine so my Lil bros would feel good & strong. 

Relentlessly, for months, every day 1x or more severely struggled successfully getting Lil frank through that damn gate. He’d be hot(it was summer) in that cast and frustrated so I’d tell him don't worry little brother were gonna get through this gate and every time the struggle was worth it.

The trauma not only physically stunted him as he would have to re-learn everything, yet psychologically as well...he couldn’t talk saying words trying to get his point across.  Sissy put on her teacher hat and sure a shit Frankie was talking again. 

I also saw him as my savior...due to many violent scary experiences all occurring at night where I put on my Momma Bear hat giving myself in hopes I could spare them of the suffering and pain.

I was terrified of darkness w/out light. Laying in my bed paralyzed, too afraid to move as I could not see my surroundings...

I would cry “Frankie...Frankie...Frankie”; and that adorable red headed stunner at 2/3/4 yrs of age...would run into my room turn on my light...so I felt safe.  We would fall asleep laughing and telling stories.

I prayed every night silently making my plea to God, that if he could put any pain or struggles my Lil bros may face on me to weather.  I also prayed that if I have kids please please please help me save them from ever experiencing my type of sufferings.

I, being a child naively tried to make a pact with God.  I would take all this pain, all this suffering, all the severe scary abuse and be brave always in exchange for giving my Lil bros a fighting chance at life.

I insisted he gave me any experience that would scare or hurt my Lil bros,  as my scars to bear. Always reminding God my future family will be everything our family was not and my kids would never be abused in ways that I did.

Thinking back my thought process could only be unconditional love & hope for my Lil bros to not see what I saw, felt what I felt, experience what I experienced as I was already damaged goods but the boys...we can save the boys...right God?

Later in life i struggled with God...as Marvin was into gangs and angry at the world...then Frankie was just used as another player in this world’s sick selfish games

...everyone & everything to this day is shadowed by Frankie’s acts, being still a child 11/12, was acting out his abuse.  I didn’t blink and protected Frankie from the backlash, injustices and judgements these acts would bring. 

Even risking my own children defending his honor... This was important to me as I saw things bad scary things mom n dad even with friends used to make him do.

These struggles my brothers endured in my eyes were supposed to be on my shoulders, and as Big Sissy I personally blamed myself for their sufferings...believing i failed somewhere along the line

...and God had failed on 1 of only 2 prayers I prayed for nightly since I could remember...I hated him...Crossing his name out of every spiritual book I would buy...eventually learning many paths all led me back to Him.

For years I have suffered immensely feeling my failings to take better care of him earlier in life was why...now...in my greatest tragedy...i’m nothing but a piece of trash left on some dark lonely road in Ocosta.

..My son Sage, losing everything for an imminent noble plight, my breakdown suffocating silently as no hand reached my way.  I was in this alone and with every missing of the mark; Frank would judge me, looking down at me, denying such; yet he either was blind to his own behaviors or this infliction of shame upon me is intentional.

The moral to the story, better stated stories’... on most levels is still up in the air.

My mom’s death... compounded with Frank’s, almost demonic in nature, verbal and non verbal abuse is long-suffering.  Perhaps the Devil has been sneaking upon him years now...

Instantaneously when mom died, so did any goodness in Frank.  Possessed, creating chaos on sacred ground, refusing Moms children, grandchildren, family and friends any sort of closure...In respect for impending legal actions I won’t prevail any further details...

In a short time span; I lost my only real longtime girlfriend and coworker to a tragic death, soon after my Kelly who glitters died in her sleep...then my mom died - devastatingly so did my brother frank...

Another child taken (via brotherly love)  ~ My Sissy...my heart just cries out for her daily...constantly looking, searching, praying God will at least... bring My Sissy back.

My soul decided any hope of some family besides personally was dead. My safe place gone...

I always felt content knowing that If; Life May Again Rip Me 2 Shreds...I had Momma’s Compound, with the Satanic Scary Ritual Grounds & old creepy mossy forests

In Frank’s eyes; its a garbage dump hoarders compound...and by golly...against all consciousness, Mom’s rights, her will, the beneficiaries, that property, and all her items would be pillaged, dishonored, and by legal standards;  straight up fuckin irrevocably damaged