#i SIMPLY. really want my long ass blogging achievement for this fucking thing i did.... I WAAANNNT IT

[istherewifiinhell]

After all this time i think ive found a format that allows me to be as honest as i feel about them all in the tf master post.... aka. Bitch Hater about this sites beloved (just having made it unsearchable seemed like quitter shit. i put in the fuckng work didnt i. the HOURS.) so. we shall see if i can get that out at some point......

[isthisthingeven0n]

not an ultimatum : d.d

REQUESTS ARE CLOSED UNTIL SEPTEMBER. Please do not send one in right now, as I can’t get to it sorry guys. (also double sorry for extending the delay in requests - i’ve been away and had an accident and had to get some things checked out) 

brief summary: everyone knows you as an actress alongside david’s girlfriend. but what they don’t know is that you’re pregnant, and neither does david .. 

word count: 1.5k requested: yess by the SWEETEST anon ily angel! warnings: mentions of abortions, angst (but fluffy ending!) 

* masterlistin’ / masterlistin’ 2.0

(everything on my blog is my own writing. if it is shared on another page or website know it hasn’t been approved me unless specified. all rights reserved. - i have to start doing this as I had some shit on my other blog with plagiarism)

DO NOT STEAL MY WORK - IT IS ALL MY OWN WRITING

“Fuck.” You can’t help but stare down at the stick in your fingertips as your phone begins to ring, yet you let it ring out. 

Dropping the stick, you bury your head in your hands as you stifle a cry. This can’t be happening, you were more careful than this, right? 

Obviously, you weren’t. One drunken evening after dinner on your anniversary, things got sloppy. A small groan escapes your lips as you begin to recall the events that took place, along with the words you muttered to David. ‘we don’t need it tonight, baby.’ 

Well, clearly you did. Congrats. 

Looking over to your phone, you watch as it lights up once more, another missed call from David and a text from your assistant. 

‘when are you coming out? they’re filming in twenty.’ 

A long sigh leaves your lips as you force yourself to your feet, throwing the stick into the trash as you exit the toilet in your trailer. As you walk over to grab your things, your hand instinctively rests on your stomach, on the non-existent baby bump. 

“There you are!” A small scoff sounds from Katy, your assistant as she leans against the door to your trailer. “Y/n, are you okay?” Her voice softens as you turn around to face her, paler than usual as you blink slowly. 

“I’m, I’ll be fine.” You stumble over your words as you try to walk past her, but Katy holds your upper arm lightly. “I’ll be fine, Kitty Kat.” You tease with a forced smile, one Katy doesn’t buy but allows it to slide. 

“Break a leg!” She calls out, something she’s done since she first began to assist you. 

Throwing her a thumbs up, you carry on towards the set for this afternoon. 

Today was the scene you were dreading; it was your fight scene. You insisted on doing your own stunts as a challenge to yourself. There was always your stunt double on stand by, but ninety percent of the time, it was you. 

“Okay, Y/n!” Mark, the director calls as you wave to him, taking your position on set as your hair and makeup is touched up. “So, scene twenty-seven, take five. And, action!” He yells, and suddenly you’re back into the world of the movie. 

“Listen, we can take this the easy way, or the bitch ass way.” You smirk to your costar, Jacob, who scoffs playfully. 

Besides you, the camera pans in on the sudden drop in your expression as you lunge yourself forward, tacking your costar to the ground as the coordinated fight between you fully commences. 

After the first few fake punches, things are going smoothly. “Okay, and cut there!” Mark calls out and you straighten up as your costar pats you on the shoulder. 

“Hey, Y/n, you feeling alright?” Jacob asks, his face beginning to blur into three as you fall backwards. “Can we get a medic on set?” You faintly hear as you lie on the ground, seeing faces surrounding you before you fully black out. 

*

Groaning lightly, you slowly open your eyes.  

“There she is,” Katy smiles brightly as you try to sit upright, only to have her hand lightly rest on your shoulder, guiding you back down on your couch. “I’d take it steady, medic instructed me to ensure you drink this and stay seated.” 

Accepting the bottle of water, you take a long sip whilst Katy keeps her eyes focused on you. “What is it, Kitty Kat?” You raise an eyebrow to your assistant. 

“I don’t wanna pry, Y/n,” She starts, quickly trailing off. “but, the medic asked me if anything was different about you, and I know you’ve been sick a lot lately, and, and you’ve been having these mood swings.” She explains, focusing on the floor instead of looking you in the eye. 

“Katy, it’s okay.” You force a small smile as you reach your hand out, snapping her from her own thoughts. “Does anyone else know this or just the medic?” You ask her quietly, glancing over to check the door to your trailer is closed. 

“Just the medic.” She ensures as you sigh in relief, taking another sip from the bottle that’s close to empty now. “Have you told David?” Katy questions hesitantly and watches as you shake your head. 

Tears build up in your eyes within seconds, and a small sob escapes your lips. “I don’t know what to do,” You blubber, wiping your eyes as Katy passes you some tissues. “I, I’m in the middle of shooting a movie! David’s career is skyrocketing, I,” You sigh in exhaustion as you collapse back down into your sofa whilst Katy daps your eyes lightly with more tissues. 

“I guess you won’t know until you talk to him, Y/n/n.” Katy forces a smile as your trailer door opens, and your co-star appears. 

“Oh, sorry,” Jacob nervously laughs. “I just came to check you’re alright as Mark wants to carry on shooting the stunt, but we can use your double?” 

Sniffing, you sit upright as Katy holds her arms out cautiously. “Tell Mark to carry on with the double, sorry ‘bout this Jacob.” You apologise to your co-star who shrugs it off and exits the trailer, leaving you alone with your assistant once more. “I’m going to have to tell David,” You bury your head in your hands as Katy rubs your back supportively. 

“It’ll be okay, Y/n.” Katy tells you, wondering deep down whether this is going to be a good thing or not. 

*

“Y/n?!” David yells as the front door closes, and he rushes from editing to the hallway, seeing you stood there with a tired smile on your face. “Katy texted me, you feeling any better?” 

Immediately you’re enveloped into a tight hug, one filled with so much love and concern, and you just break down. 

“I’m sorry,” You cry, pulling away from your boyfriend who furrows his eyebrows as you wipe your eyes forcefully. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” David hushes as he helps you toward the couch and sits beside you, lifting his hand up to wipe your tears away. “are you feeling any better? How was filming?” 

You simply shake your head as you fixate on the awards displayed from both your careers. So many achievements in a few years, how could you take potential opportunities away from him now? 

“I, it wasn’t so bad.” You shrug your shoulder. “But, there’s something I need to tell you,” Shifting on the couch, you face David and take his hands in yours. 

“Okay, what’s so serious?” He chortles but quickly cuts himself off as your lips turn down into a frown, and sadness coats your gaze. 

“You know I’ve been feeling kinda sick lately?” You slowly start, and David nods along. “Well, today I felt even worse, and I thought it might be my period, but it’s late.” You explain, looking up as David tenses up. 

“How late is late?” David questions quickly, holding your hands tightly as you hold back another cry. 

“Late enough to know it’s not coming, because I’m pregnant.” You quietly state, hearing it aloud for the first time as silence looms over both of you. “And I know, the timing couldn’t be any worse, but I did some research on my way home and there’s a clinic like a half-hour away, and-”

“Wait,” David cuts you off abruptly. “you, you don’t want it?” His voice softens to a whisper. 

“I, I don’t know.” You mutter, feeling David’s hands slip out of yours. “Are we even ready for a child, Dave?” You ask as he stands up and begins to pace around the living room. 

“We could be, but from the sounds of it you’ve made up your mind.” He scoffs, rubbing his eyes as you lean back, taking a cushion and covering your stomach. 

“I’ve not made my mind up, David.” You shoot back. “I’m just thinking of both of us here, what it’ll mean for our careers.” 

David pauses and sighs. “But we could make it work, others have!” He exclaims, but you shake your head. “Are you not ready for this? For a family?” David kneels down in front of you with those big doe eyes. 

“I’m scared, Dave.” You whimper, clutching the cushion closer to you. “You really think we could raise a kid in all of this,” You motion to the world around you, your world that you’re both consumed in. 

A small smile tugs at David’s lips as he pulls the cushion away from you, focusing on your stomach. “I think we can do this, but only if you’re ready to, Y/n.” David comforts you before sitting down beside you as you lean against him, resting your head on his shoulder. 

“Whatever I decide, you’ll be there for me?” You quietly ask, biting your lip as you glance up at David. 

“I’ll always be there for you, Y/n.” David kisses the top of your head as you snuggle closer into him. “Whatever you decide, I’m not going anywhere.” 

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 143

Chapter Summary - Danielle and Tom go to Black Panther on the opening weekend and get into a discussion regarding the characters before discussing a work email Danielle got during the film, which leads, once more to them discussion them as a couple.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

Copyright for the photo is the owners, not mine. All image rights belong to their owners

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @wolfsmom1 @black-ninja-blade

Tom looked at Danielle curiously. ‘So T’challa is not your favourite?’

‘Fuck no, he’s irritating. He’s not thinking of what is best for Wakanda, he is thinking of what is best to have Nakia pay attention to him.’

‘I suppose you support Killmonger too while we’re at it?’ he chuckled.

‘Yes.’ That caused him to pause. ‘Not killing anyone not the same skin colour, that goes without saying, but Wakanda did nothing while the world was in turmoil. The Rwandan genocide, Nazi Germany, the slave trade in the US, they sat on their butts with their advanced civilisation thanks to the happenstance of Vibranium landing there and did nothing to assist others, being an insular is seldom seen as a good thing. Killmonger grew up in injustice, he was raised, educated to the wrongs to African peoples and he wants vengeance on his family for killing his father and I cannot fault him that particular reasoning. I just don’t agree with killing others who do not disagree with him, but are simply a different skin colour to him, that’s just wrong.’

‘You are really reading into the socio-political side of this.’

‘It’s fun to do it.’ She shrugged with a smile. ‘Is that not half the point of this particular movie, to have you question? I love M’Baku though. He’s fun.’

‘Of course, you would go for the sarcastic one. And Shuri?’

‘Great. But Okoye is my favourite.’

‘She was willing to serve Killmonger?’ Tom looked at her shocked.

‘Yes, as a General, not as a friend. She believes in the Dora Milaje and their role in protecting Wakanda and its throne. I respect someone who will fight for what they believe in, even if I do not agree with it and especially when I know they are conflicted but still do what they think is right by their code.’

‘And Nakia?’ Tom asked as they got into the car.

‘She was the voice of reason, she said the same as Killmonger, that Wakanda should do more internationally, but no genocides, but she said in wearing a dress, so naturally, no one listened.’

Tom chuckled. ‘You really invest yourself in characters.’

‘I do, go big or go home, really. Why call yourself a Marvel fan and not at least try to invest in it emotionally.’

‘But you dislike Ant-Man and Guardians of the Galaxy.’

‘I don’t dislike the Guardians, I just think Quill is an ass. I love Drax and Gamora is kick-ass.’

‘And Ant-Man?’

‘Yeah, was not a fan of that one.’

Tom chuckled again as they drove the route home.

‘What about you?’

‘I really enjoyed it.’

‘Can I ask, you were never a comic fan, yet you ensure you see everything now, is there a reason for that?’

‘Well, one, I want to support the other films on their opening weekend, my ticket counts towards their records, and two, I work at this, I want to at least know what people are on about when we all do panels.’

‘Are you on the panel with anyone from it?’

‘I will be, for the Infinity War junket, yes.’

‘Ah, that will be handy.’

‘Yes, so I just want to know what I am in the middle of. Could you imagine if they asked a big question of Black Panther and I was standing there looking utterly perplexed, it does not look well.’

‘I suppose not.’ She agreed.

'Plus, you know me, I love movies in general.' He smiled.

*

The pair said little more on their way home from the movie. It was a while later when Danielle was looking at an email that was sent to her phone during the film but which she ignored until then that they spoke more again. ‘Hmm.’

‘Dare I ask?’ In truth, Tom did not want to know what was going on with Safeguard. He did not trust Lucas on his statement that they were trying to make things easier for Danielle. His concern was her, if tomorrow, Safeguard crumbled, he did not care, even if Danielle was left penniless workwise, he could look after them until she got a new job, he would not care about the company, all he was concerned for was Danielle.

‘Apparently, we are getting a huge contract soon.’

‘Right? What does that entail for you?’

‘They are asking if I want a part in it.’

‘Do you?’

‘No.’ She stated firmly.

‘How much are they offering?’

‘Thirty thousand for one month’s work.’

‘And the reason you are declining?’

‘I don’t want it.’

‘Where is it?’

‘New York.’

‘You really don’t like New York.’

‘I really don’t like the idea of being in charge of the European Office and being dragged to the US, I want stuff here, in Europe.’

‘Fair enough. Thirty thousand is a lot of money, though.’

‘Have we a thirty thousand pound bill I don’t know of?’ She asked.

‘We do not.’

‘Then I don’t need to take it. Would you do something that you would think would have no positive or even fun addition to your career just for thirty grand?’

‘Honestly, I don’t think I would. Not if it meant being away from home for a month in a place I am not overly fond of, no.’

‘That is my feelings on it.’

‘What will they do if you decline?’

‘Offer it elsewhere. What can they say, I am a partner, they cannot force me into it.’ She smiled. ‘Besides, I have something coming up that month in Germany for three days for a shoot that I actually want to do.’

‘Where?’

‘Berlin.’

‘Nice.’

‘If you are free those dates, you could come, but I dare say I will be boring for most of it, it is all night work so I will have daytime to look around.’

‘We will have to see. I liked Berlin.’ He chuckled. ‘It’s odd, even after a year and a half of this, I am still getting used to being the one left behind.’

‘Well, I get longer stints of you being gone. I tend to only do smaller stuff so I am not as long at it.’

‘What about Game of Thrones?’

‘I was one of a few working on that, so it was not as bad, they also tend to film a lot of scenes together, so it was balls to the wall for about a month straight, then done and onto the next location, which was not my concern.’ Tom chuckled at her words. ‘Does it worry you?’

‘What?’

‘My going away with work?’

‘No.’ He looked at her. ‘Honestly, I miss you terribly, the dogs miss you terribly, but seeing you achieve what you want, seeing you do well at everything, it makes me happy for you.’ She smiled happily at him. ‘And I know I don’t need to worry about other things, as I hope you know you don’t have to worry with me.’

‘The fact you even are saying that worries me. I don’t ever think such things. If a person wants to cheat, there is nothing you can do that will stop that, I only hope that you remember what we said regarding being honest if you ever feel so inclined.’ Danielle stated, looking Tom in the eye. ‘I could never consider such a thing, I am too happy with you to fuck it up for well...nothing really. We enjoy each other’s company, we love spending time together, we like a lot of the same things, we are comfortable together, the sex is really good, I can’t see the allure of wanting anyone else for anything.’

‘“Really good”?’ Tom asked with a smirk.

‘Do you not think so?’

‘I know so, but it’s always good to get a compliment.’ He licked his teeth as he grinned. ‘How can I make it excellent?’

‘I wanted to talk to you about that actually, how do you feel about dog collars and strap-ons?’ She asked casually. Tom stared at her in horror causing Danielle to be unable to keep her straight face any longer and she snorted loudly before erupting in laughter.

Seeing that she was joking, Tom tried to get annoyed for a moment before chuckling to himself. ‘For fuck sake. I am not talking to you now.’

‘Worth. It.’ Danielle forced out between fits of laughter.

‘I am here, trying to be a good partner, trying to make our relationship and our sex-life better and you are being childish.’ He chastised. Danielle looked at him for a moment as though itching to say something. ‘If you utter one word about punishments or other such things…’

‘I said nothing, you did.’ She started laughing again as Tom looked at her, unimpressed before chuckling too. ‘What are you like?’

‘You can’t blame me for your perverted brain.’

‘You are the one that mentioned spanking.’

Tom laughed at her and shook his head. ‘But you are happy?’

‘With us, yes. Every aspect of us.’ She ensured to make clear. ‘I love you and I love everything you do for us.’ She smiled, kissing his hand. ‘And the sex is really, really good, no crazy leather contraptions required. I am happy with what we are doing.’

‘Damn, I was about to order us a full leather bodysuit.’ Danielle snorted in laughter at the image as Tom found himself laughing also.

[konvenient-pop]

Okay, so, here comes an annoying post about me being annoyed

With the topic of Jenny and Kai

To start this off right, I want to begin with by saying this is not a hate post at all. In actuality I am an EXO-L, and particularly a huge fan of Kai/Nini despite this blog not representing that. I have a lot of respect for him as a person first and foremost, as well as in his career as an idol. Although my respect isn't reflected with Jennie personally, as I deliberately refused to hop on the Blackpink bandwagon for the sake of preserving an original opinion after a few years of watching over their comebacks to make the decision of draining my life energy for another group, I still have respect for her as an idol. No matter what I will have at least a basic respect for the people choosing to enter this career, since we all know what that means longterm. Or at least most of us who have made the mistake(?) of spiraling into the darker side of this industry.

But at the risk of sounding pretentious or scaring people for no reason, returning to my original point, I don't know jack shit about Jennie. Well, beside basic surface level information or personality overviews from Weekly Idol or what have you. Again, all surface level. For now I am fine with that, she seems cool and honestly like a genuinely straightforward person in terms of setting up her goals. Or at least that's the picture I've crafted in my head after having listened to her on old G-Draon's tracks, as she was probably offered the oppertunity and had enough sense/drive to take it. So, okay, cool. She's cool, Jongin is Jongin and as a couple they are whatever.

Whatever being cool, cool being something I can go 'Oh?' at with raised eyebrows and move on with my damn life. Or as I failed to name it, basically sonething of minimal interest. Now, let's pause. So, I have no problem with this couple, so why the hell am I even bothering with this post? Well, that's because it's goddamn annoying to see all the 'I came here for JenKai' or otherwise judgmental comments on YouTube. To vent, why the hell can't people just be indifferent to things they have no knowledge over? Like, sure, you know one of the two and can say 'Well he/she is such and such trait, but I don't know about him/her', but why badmouth? This is my problem. This is what annoys me.

As far as I'm concerned at this point there's no point in judging these couples anymore, because again for the nth fucking time we do not actually know these people we dedicate our lives to. Sure, you can claim otherwise since we get years of interviews and yeaes of reality shows and years of behind the scenes videos and what the fuck ever, but let's be serious here. We aren't their friends, we aren't their family. What we get is what they chose to show. Of course most idols tend be genuine in terms of trying to show their honest personality or giving factual information, but at the end of the day it's just a video. One video, one clip, one moment in time that does not dictate their entire personality, struggle, interests, or life. That's something I often see people in this fandom forgetting and honestly at this stage of stanning cancel my subscription if we can't be logical about relationship reveals.

That's not to say most fans haven't been. In fact so far I've seen quite the opposite with mostly support, which is cool and something that I'm not use to but thank the gods for it. But there are still some you know what's here and there. They're really not that bothersome in terms of overall big picture whatever, since they are just words on my computer or phone I can click off of and will likely drown in a sea of support. Still, I just want to vent and ramble and maybe point out something that we all already knew for the sake of a friendly(-ish?) reminder. And for that to happen, I too will attempt honesty.

Being real, my first reaction was mostly worry and (negitively concentrated) confusion. Worry for fan reaction over actual puppy Nini. Confusion because how the hell did that happen and why would they get together? It took about half the day, but then I finally used my good sense to reroute my thoughts back to that very important fact. I don't know them. As people, or as a couple. I don't know their everday lives. I, nor you reading, have any right to judge if they are good for one another or not. No matter if opposites actually attract or similar people enter similar love, it is not up to me to decide for them based off what I think I know even if I do want them to be together. I have no right, nor actual authority to do so especially being just a fan. All in all, I am not in this relationship. Neither are you and this applies to you and every other fan out there.

So, basically that's just to say people enter relationships at their own will, as their own people most of the time with knowledge of who their partner is as a person, and it's never any of our business beyond the basic level of having an objevtive opinion that shouldn't affect them (*COUGH COUGH* sending hate messages or death threats *COUGH COUGH*) because we are lucky they even decide to share any of this shit with us. Does that make any sense? Don't know, don't care, I refuse to go reread and edit this just to sound nice. Why? Because I'm probably deleting this, as long as I don't forget. Why? Because I honestly just wanted to talk about how annoying it's going to be reading those 'Jennie get your man'/'Jennie's boyfriend this'/'Kai and Jenny that' and etc type comments over the next few months, but this ended up turning into a whole thing.

But yeah, I find that shit annoying. Mostly because it almost belittles idols, degrading them to only face value in a way because they are 'only' recognized for who they date. It is annoying with them and it was annoying with Bora and Feeldog. And I love these people too much to watch that. Though, of course, I know it is not done in offense. People just like couples and are excited love still exists in the world for their precious idols, I know. I get it. I just hate having to look at an idol and think of their current or past significant other. Feels like I'm doing them a disservice, espscially when they started out as just their original selves that I spent YEARS getting to know but suddently I don't feel like I know them anymore as just that. Their pure, individual selves.

I don't know. My bitch ass is dramatic like this and usually I would never speak on this because I want K-pop to just be good fun despite its dark secrets, questionable concepts, and unfavorable features, but sometimes certain shit just gets annoying. And then I feel the need to rant for months before ranting to non K-pop friends or making a whole post no one asked for. In any case, since we're enjoying a rare rant post specifically centered around couples in the industry, might as well give my opinion on the few funny thing that came out of this.

With the outing of Kai's newest relationship, I can finally say seeing my idols date doesn't feel weird anymore. Usually I would get weeks of a weird mourning type feeling, despite knowing and accepting I won't be with my idols romantically. Which, by the way, I actually prefer since I am gross thank you very much. But like, its just a feeling I usually have. Kind of mourning what can't be, kind of fearing how someone knows a part of them I don't. Yeah, I know it is gross and weird, but again to remibd you I spent years draining life energy just to feel like I 'know' and to feel 'close' to these people so logically its the emotional connection (and lowkey emotional dependence), which is why I always feel I can understand when fans say they get sad or cry once idols start marrying or whatever. But, thank the gods, lately said feelings have been coming and going quicker. I assume its due to most of my idols getting older now and my actually wanting them to find love and create their happy ever afters if possible, especially with most of them wanting to get married and actually wanting kids unlike myself.

Like recently, recently for me being years ago sorry, with both UKISS's Dongwo and Eli having to marry in secret and revealing their sons to the world helped really set those new type of support feels in place for me. Going back and knowing who wants what, I now want themselve to achieve these things. Be it love, a family, or simply something new and/or outside of their idol career (quick cringey magical support hwaiting to my not actual husband Bang Yongguk), I want for them to want these things and to continue wanting normal things. Why? Because they are, hopefully you guessed it, normal human beings. Outside of all the glits and glamour of being an idol, representing their home, and trying too damn hard for fans, they are just people.

As it always goes and as cheesy as it probably sounds by now, just people like you and me. People who want things and feel they need to achieve or have certain things to live a fulfilled life or feel accomplished in life before they die. So, yeah, there ya go. My support got some type of Pokemon upgrade ('Idol's Dreams' I chose you?) and I am annoyed because I can't stop my brain from being reminded of other people in the face of my idols. Rip individuality I guess, until that dies down. Anyway, back to your scrolling. I don't know why this ended being so long.

P.S.: As for the rest of those few funny things (1) I am still salty over the treatment and reaction of Baekhyun/Taehyeon and Kai/Krystal by fans (also dramatic and emotionally leave Krystal alone), (2) Hyuna/E'Dawn, despite being great and hopefully a love revolution that will be real I do think they also handled that situation poorly as far as business goes but I do love and support both in case anyone cared, (3) quick claps for the recent emotional growth of K-pop fans tbh as far as relstionships so far, and (4) for whatevet reason I wasn't expecting people to drag my girl Krystal into this. Usually I'm on top of my game with guessing and predicting, but bless her for the next few (hopefully just) weeks. Being the ex is always annoying as fuck.

[justmysicklypride]

P-P-P-Play that shit: ptv analysis - Part 2

 Hi what’s up everyone and welcome to this week’s pew news. This is a continuation of my last post where I pretty much summed up Pierce The Veil’s career from the beginning to present and gave an overview of their rise and downfall. You can check it out here, but if you already know about everything or have read it already then feel free to ignore it. In any case, I was originally gonna make these two posts as one but ran out of room bc who the hell would read that much text in a blog post (me) so here you go - part two of this fucking conspiracy theory because I didn’t even get to share any of my thoughts in the last one. (I also forgot to put headers with each new topic smh apologies to the English language)

Edit: it’s been fucking eons since I wrote the last one/started writing this one like legit I even changed my user. The reason why this has been put off for so long will be explained later but yh smh

Gigantic obligatory disclaimer: Everything that I will discuss whether it be in this post or my last, or any future posts that relate to this subject IS NOT going to touch on the subject of the “sexual relations with a minor” incident in itself. I will not go into detail about my own views on this specific matter as there is literally no way to win because whatever I say could be taken out of context by literally anyone. That being said, I do not condone pedophilia, I do not condone sexual harassment or rape, and I do not undermine the importance of consent. I respect the laws of different states, as I know they vary with time and place, and I understand that everyone has their own opinions and I do not wish to impose my own onto others.

In regards to this, however, I do have to acknowledge that I, first and foremost, do not think that Mike Fuentes is innocent, and I strongly believe that how the band handled this situation was just plain terrible, but I do also have to acknowledge the fact that this situation is to stay between the accuser and the victim, as well as their respective legal teams and that I should not go nosedive headfirst into anything like this when it does not directly affect or require my judgement as a necessity, lest I face any legalities or blacklash as a result. Furthermore, everything that I will be talking about are conspiracies only and I do not in any way assume or imply that any of this is true.

In other words, I don’t mean to offend anyone but if you end up getting offended then that’s on you, not me. Let’s begin.

Introduction 

The points that I am trying to highlight in this essay post is, in simple words, that Pierce The Veil’s... well, everything, comes off as kind of a conspiracy, almost, to me. I have had these thoughts for a long-ish time, and so this post is basically me finally making a post that covers all things that I have been thinking of in the past. Unlike my previous post, this one is a lot less fact-based and a lot more opinionated, so if you’re not into that, then that’s fair. Otherwise, I will be discussing the following things (in this order): the topic of kellic, Misadventures, and the accusation + response.

When Life Gives You Lemons, You Ship Them Together And Call It Lemonade

I refer to my last post and assume that everyone understands how “kellic” came to be and what it means. To summarise to the bare minimum best of my abilities, it’s the ship name of Vic Fuentes and Kellin Quinn, aka what people call it when someone wants or is keen on the idea of these two frontmen having an affair with each other in a (typically) fictional setting. It happens all the time, especially in this day and age where you can easily just find someone with the same obsession as you with a click of a button. That’s why King For A Day, and inadvertently Collide With The Sky, became such a huge success. It appealed to the right demographic of teenagers and tweens who were ecstatic at the prospect of shipping, and went on to achieve even more impressive feats following that. How you ask? Well, by going on a tour around the world of course. Together. Playing shows every night that ends with one of them literally carrying the other off the stage. Gotta give the people what they want, hey?

I have a strong belief that the key to success is through beating the system at its own game. In this case, the game is simple - get fans, get money. Unfortunately, as we all know, getting fame isn’t as easy as simply earning it through grit and determination. To achieve fame, one must find a way to do something at the right time in the right way so that people will notice. If one person does, and your fire doesn’t die out right away, then you’ve got yourself a forest fire. Then later on, all you gotta do is keep this forrest fire going, but assuming that there isn’t someone standing on the other side with the whole fire department’s resources in tow, then the only thing stopping this fire is itself, because with all things in life, fire dies out, and fame stops accumulating after a while if nothing is done about it. Humans need entertainment. If something starts to fail to pique their interests, then they move on. That’s why YouTubers are required to change up their content every now and again in order to try and relight that spark they once had, and even then there’s a good chance that they won’t. 

I was originally going to write another blog essay about this whole YouTube analogy thing but quickly realised that for one, I don’t have time bc I’m getting my ass fucked by university on a daily basis; and that for another, there’s most likely a billion other videos or essays about this topic as is, so I’ll just link one or two of them here. I haven’t watched them all yet or I don’t remember much of them, but all they do is pretty much summarise up stuff like how YouTubers become successful and their downfalls and all that, and even though they kinda focus on a specific person or group of people, I feel like it could be generalised.

Even without the YouTube metaphor, we know shipping works. It is evident in multiple works across various media that giving the fans what they want is often what gives these people their continued success, such as Dan Howell and Phil Lester, who have all but stopped trying to create their own individual branding (save for their separate merch stores that are probably there just to get more people to buy their overpriced clothing), and who at this point have become such an overused example that I actually hesitated writing that. Why do you think movies and shows and cartoons mostly have a romantic subplot? Romance is an essential trope in literature and easily one of the most popular genre out there for various reasons. According to a Bustle article written in 2016, romance often gives the readers a sense of hope or gives them a way to live out their fantasies in the easiest way possible, and while this may not apply to everyone, (personally I’m not a romance fan much at all but I can appreciate good literature), it’s hard to deny the phrase “sex sells”.

Given that, you’d think that any company with half a brain would learn to exploit it, but for some reason this wasn’t the case in Pierce The Veil’s management, and no matter how I look at it, I can’t really see the reason why. It’s not like the band members are uncomfortable with the ship - Jaime Preciado has been seen kissing Vic Fuentes on stage (not on the lips guys chill) (I had forgotten how fucking difficult it takes to find this one specific clip so here’s a couple different fuenciado pictures instead to make up for it smfh), and Vic Fuentes has mentioned kellic in a live stream once jokingly - and Kellin Quinn is notoriously known for being completely okay with it (so long as he doesn’t have to look at it), so just what is the reason?

This Ain’t A Hiatus, It’s A Goddamned Arms Race

I’d be lying if I didn’t miss all the memes that all stemmed from the Pierce The Veil boys not being able to release an album when they’d promised, before postponing said album yet again and disappearing off of the face of the earth digitally for another year or two, giving them a total of four years as their unofficial, unannounced hiatus. For this, I have several questions.

We all know Vic Fuentes loves taking his sweet ass time releasing music - he’s admitted to remaking his first album a second time before releasing it, as stated an interview a couple years back - but you can’t honestly tell me their management just let them get away with it. Sure, through this time they’ve been pushing out new merch to no end, but something tells me that this giant gap they’ve wedged between the new album and Collide With The Sky isn’t gonna be good publicity, despite all the memes that’ve sprouted from it. There’s been fans who stopped taking interest in this band because of it, as well as fans who have just gotten fed up with having to wait so long. They scrapped a whole completed album in the process of creating Misadventures too, and while it’s not uncommon for bands to throw away near-completed ideas at whim, it’s also not unlikely for there to be some external factors or reasoning behind why they did it. Could it be that the album they threw away stayed too close to their roots and management or some other person told the band to start again, so that they can create something more appealing to this day and age? Or could it be something else that is hard to see at face-value?

You’ll Never Get Ahold Of Me Now

Finally, I’m gonna address the overdue elephant in the room. If you want to read the full thing, here it is because I’m tired of having to reiterate what happened. Mike Fuentes received a sexual allegation by some girl(s) and the band released a shitty statement that has since gotten deleted - that’s the general gist of it. 

Like I said, it’s been literal months (or weeks idk my perception of time is severely fucked) since I actually started making this post so literally no one cares anymore, but regardless of what past me has promised or written down, I’m not going to be discussing the allegation in itself, but rather what and/or how the band and their subsequent management has handled it, in that they handled it so bad that I honestly can’t believe they did it like that. 

Edit: I wasn’t gonna bother finding another copy of the statement bc no one’s gonna give a shit but then I’d be doing some baseless shit and I honestly can’t stand people who half ass these things, despite my growing urge to do the same thing, so here’s the statement. 

For starters, who the hell waits one whole month before releasing a statement? From what I can remember, their excuse was allegedly that pretty much management forbade them to talk or make a statement about it earlier for... reasons? (Just realised I don’t actually have the source for this so idk take it with a grain of salt I guess because I was sure I had read this somewhere but I can’t back it up.) 

That’s not even the worst part, either. The statement itself gave zero closure to literally everything. Yes, they acknowledged the allegation, but that’s just about as far as they went. The whole point of a statement is to clear things up, whether the accuser was right or wrong, and what steps will be taken from there, whether an apology is to be issued or not. No shit you know about the incident, who in the fandom wouldn’t? Instead pointing out the straight up obvious, what they should’ve done was 1) not waited an entire fucking month before talking about it, most likely hoping the whole thing to blow over by then and 2) actually talked about the incident in their statement instead of tiptoeing around the subject like some sort of time bomb ready to go off. There is no right or wrong answer, because literally all they had to do was tell the truth - as in write down a statement from Mike (not the whole fucking band mind you) about his take on the whole thing or get him to say what had happened from his point of view. Then resolve it privately with your legal team and whatnot if they really feel the need. Hell, all he needed to do was apologise. Whether something like that classifies as assault or rape or whatever is up to you but the fact of the matter is that she’s underaged at that point in time. Even if she was fully aware of the risks and whatnot and gave legitimate consent, under the eyes of the law and pretty much 80% of the people reacting to this incident, it will be deemed illegal and inappropriate behaviour. All these people had to do was literally just be open and honest about it regardless of whatever the hell happened, because this is all happening on a public platform where everyone can see/read it to their hearts’ content. Viewers can’t judge or make a decision to support or not support you if you don’t tell them your side of the story, so for the love of god, why the hell didn’t they?

The statement was filled with bullshit about how they love the fans and all that shit, and honestly my thoughts can be accurately summed up in this video right here. So much backlash could have potentially been avoided had they just told it as it is, because now all we have is a vague ass response that gives no closure and tell us nothing as to whether Mike actually did it or not, because in the statement he manage to spout some bullshit about how he’s “never intentionally manipulated or abused anyone in [his] life” and that he’s just a ball of empathy which at first glance could suggest he at least thinks he’s innocent, but then they go on to say how Mike’s taking a temporary leave from the band for, you guessed it, absolutely no reason. At least, no reason that they’ve given us (what else is new) (I’m becoming more petty as the night drags on it’s literally 1am). Honestly, .@piercetheveil, please tell me why the honest to god fuck did you have him leave just after suggesting that he might be innocent? I know the world isn’t black and white but when you’re making a stance and defending yourself or admitting to something, it really is - black and white that is. Either you’re innocent or believe that you’re innocent and stand your ground by not leaving the band, or you admit that you are guilty, in which case your leaving of the band would actually feel justified, because now it’s like you’re gonna come back as well, so what does that even mean? Mike isn’t gone indefinitely, he hasn’t pleaded guilty or innocent, and now the band is telling us they love us? Fuck out of here with that bullshit.

Yes, I support the band’s decision to pull out of the All Time Low tour and to not have Mike out there in case fans feel threatened or unsafe or whatnot, but if you’re pleading innocent, then honestly the whole band should’ve just said “hey we’re gonna go on hiatus for a while until our legal team’s finished with taking care of everything”, and not just said hey guys we’re gonna kick him out because he may or may not have done something that we’re not gonna tell you because we’re shady fuckers like that. I know they are on hiatus right now, but at the “start”, they only said that Mike would be withdrawing temporarily or whatever so it’s kind of like, okay? Sure? It’s a right mess I assure you. Honestly, throughout this whole incident, it was this statement part that made me really fed up with this band. My interest in them had died down significantly from since I hit fifteen all those three years ago, and right now when I dug up an old iPod shuffle to bring with me to university to save my phone battery throughout the day, I can honestly say that I won’t be adding any Pierce The Veil songs onto it anytime soon unless I get peer pressured to. Personally, I feel like that’s kind of the mentality of a lot of had-been Pierce The Veil fans, too.

That’s Great And All But What’s Your Point?

Pierce The Veil’s management sucks ass.

There’s no easy, lawsuit-prone way for me to say it but, and this is just a conspiracy theory I swear to god if I get the fucking ASIS kicking down my door in the middle of the night you better read the fucking disclaimer, there’s obviously some shady shit going on in there no matter what way you slice it. Either they’re sabotaging Pierce The Veil’s success or whether it’s all some big confusion or misunderstanding, or if they’re just plain dumb, we can all agree that this whole thing - the kellic fan service, album making, allegations and subsequent statements - should’ve and could’ve been handled a hell of a lot more gracefully and professionally. Believe it or not, waiting until things blow over is frankly just childish and solves literally nothing, so either they can pull their act together quickly with this next “special secret” album to redeem what little quality/dignity they have left, or they can just fade away into irrelevancy and become a band that no one cares about anymore. 

History repeats itself. This band is quickly becoming just another Leafyishere, and as ominous as that sounds, it’s honestly not unlikely at this point. I am intrigued as to where they go from here, because if they manage to breakthrough again, then I would be very surprised given their current situation. I want to know how they choose to handle this - whether it’ll be the same or not, we’ll just have to wait and see.

Thank you so much if you read through this honestly like I am beyond happy that this is fucking over because I have a bunch of non-band related post essays I’ve been meaning to post but this one’s been nagging at the back of my mind for the past few months or however long it’s been. I’ve clocked in at around past 3k words for this one, and none of this is edited because I’m honestly so done with this you don’t understand. Like I said before, this took ages because I was gonna make another post talking about other shit that relates to this before realising that there’s way too many people that’ve addressed the whole YouTube thing so me doing it would literally be pointless, and even though no one really reads this shit, as big of a nerd as I am, I do enjoy writing bullshit because maybe then I’ll stop ranting to my friends and family about topics they don’t care about.

Regardless, that’s it for this two parter thing, and until next time or whatever.

Catch’ya x

[occupyvenus]

i REALLY don't understand the kind of audience who don't realize jon is a hostage right now. they took his boat and his weapons, but d/ny said he wasn't a prisoner so i guess he could just swim to shore and walk unarmed back to the north if he wanted to no big! and then there's the folks who think kneeling is the same thing as making an alliance like literally i don't understand how the big speech about perpetuity could have gone so far over their head like the stakes are high dudes

This will kinda cover a huge portion of my up-coming “Targ!Bowl vs Targ!Cest” - post, but who cares since you asked and I wanna talk about.

Though I absolutely understand you and your frustration I kinda do understand why some parts of the audience don’t realize all that, or at least not the severity of it. 

I’m not even talking exclusively about the shippers who, to like anything from 50 -99%, don’t care what happens as long as their ships becomes canon, or the stans who will find a way to sugarcoat and excuse absolutely anything, anything I tell you, before admitting their fav has done some seriously terrible things or, dear god, “problematic” traits and storylines. 

It also seems plausible to me that some parts of the more general, non-obsessive, “I don’t read the books” or “have a blog about it” kind of audience, have trouble to really grasp these issues. You wanna know why? D&D are half-assing it. Right now they are half-assing two narratives, instead of whole-assing one.

I propose the following theory: 

Right now D&D are setting the stage for dark!Dany, while simultaneously selling her as Jon’s love-interest this season. Those two narratives are pretty much forced to hold the other one back, because Jon can’t fall for “ the villain”, while Dany can’t break bad out of the blue.  

Leaving us with this incoherent mess, slightly ooc characters and actions that don’t influence the story in a “logical” way or even contradict each other.

Dany’s “transformation”, if you will, has to be properly foreshadowed, it has to be sufficiently hinted at from the moment she touches westerosi soil. The audience has to be able to look back and think “Oohh… I guess what she said there wasn’t alright. Should have seen that”. But she also has to appear loveable enough to warrant any kind of affection Jon displays towards her. The audience’s reaction once dany does break bad should be “But why did Jon!? Well, I guess I didn’t think she was that bad back then neither.”

There you have it. That’s why her behaviour seems so appaling to some people, while others are still strong advocates for good!Dany and everyone in between doesn’t know what the fuck to think. That’s why you can make a strong case for both, or more precisely for neither.

This is apparent when you look at the fact that every “negative” characteristic she portrays is counter-attacked with one of two things: 

Someone else making a comment, implying the exact opposite.

The narrative conveniently jumping to a new plot point, reducing the immediate emotional impact of what we just saw.

Here are some examples:

Varys interrupting their dispute at it’s climax | Their first meeting didn’t go particularly smooth. They did not see eye to eye, they were not moving towards an understanding. Quite on the contrary, their interaction become more antagonist with every line of dialogue. It’s starts with both of them playing nice (in their own way), moves to Dany saying that Jon is breaking faith, Jon telling her that he doesn’t give a fuck about her birthright and ends with Dany outright accusing Jon of being in open rebellion (!!!). Where do you think that conversation was heading at? An intimate conversation about dead brothers? Dany has made her stance on Northern Independence clear, she see’s it as treason, I swear to all the gods, if Varys hadn’t walked in right then and there she would have explained what exactly the punishment for treason and oath breaking is. Try making a romance out of that. But conveniently enough Varys did come in at the perfect moment, dissolving all the tension into nothing, ending the scene on a half-baked Jon is her prisoner-but-not-really note.

Tyrion telling Jon about Slaver’s Bay | I don’t know if you had noticed, but Dany left her undeniably good accomplishment of abolishing slavery out of her little speech. She exclusively focused on awful things that have happened to her and the two big achievements that make her so god-darn special: Bringing dragons back into this world and making the Dothraki cross the Narrow Sea. All her statements were about her, not about the good she has or could do in this world. I strongly believe this is to imply that her conquest is deep down rooted in selfish desires. Contrasting Jon, who embraces his role as king to protect and save his people. So of course, we need another character to swoop in and remind us of the good things she has done. Too make it more clear: Dany says that “faith in herself kept her going”, Tyrion reminds Jon that “she protects people from monsters”. 

Jon is a prisoner, but hey, he gets dragonglass | Jon was a “prisoner” prisoner for exactly five seconds, when he - rightfully - complained about it to Tyrion. It is establish that Jon wants to leave, but simply can’t, because Dany took his ship, thus making him her prisoner. If D&D had some balls they could have pursued this narrative, but instead wooossshhhhh we are jumping ahead to Jon being allowed to mine dragonglass. Now it doesn’t matter whether Jon is staying on dragonstone by his own free will or not. He needs that dragonglass, so of course he will stay to mine it. The audience was forced to contemplate Danys decision to lock him up for like a minute, before rendering the conflict obsolete. Begging the question why it was necessary to begin with, if not to show Dany doing some un-nice things to one of our protagonists.

Varys and the whole “burn someone alive” issue | This isn’t limited to her interactions with Jon. I am going to talk about Dany threatening to burn Varys alive, very much, very soon. Right now, all I want to say is that it is not a good omen. It’s one of the clearest indication so far that Dany will embrace her “inner dragon” and cause some serious destruction when doing so. Dragons plant no trees. But all the not-so-great undertones of her interaction with Varys are forgotten in the next scene when she embraces Melisandre with open arms saying “we decided to pardon all those who served the wrong king.” Sucking all the dark implications of threatening someone to BURN HIM ALIVE right out of the audience’s mind. Emphasizing that part where she pardons former “traitors”. If that scene would have cut away from Dany right after “her promise”, without reminding ous of her “forgiving” side, that little comment would have left a way more bitter taste in your mouth than it did. 

I don’t wanna spoil anything from episode 4, (next paragraph contains very minor spoilers!)let’s just say that Dany demanding that Jon bends the knee, is met with another character stating that “Dany was chosen by her people”. Supposedly trying to establish a parallel that doesn’t hold any water in her current situation in westeros, anyway. But again, it is taking the sentiment expressed by Danys actions and words (a chosen king should kneel to her, whom his people didn’t choose) and twists it to paint Dany in a better light (she too was chosen by her people). It doesn’t make any sense when you think about it, but it fabricates enough emotional connections, for the audience to soften their view on Danys opinion on northern independence. 

Do you see what I mean? I have a couple other examples, but some of them are from episode 4 and I’m going to go into this in my upcoming post anyway. The unobservant and/or biased show watcher simply has no time to properly process all this in one go. I’ve watched each episodes several times, am pretty obsessed with this whole thing and even I took some time before noticing a pattern. 

Most people will just stick to that component of the narrative which is coherent with what they already know: that Dany is one of the good guys, a hero of this story. All her questionable actions are either dismissed or boiled down to “well, it turned out okay in the end”. As sloppy as the individual narratives seem to be (neither dark!Dany, nor, let’s call her hero!Dany are well developed, they overlap, contradict each other, etc.), they did a fantastic job at keeping the audience in the dark about it. Why? 

Because for one reason or another she has to fuck Jon. Why that is, can only really be judged once we seen the whole of season 7, probably season 8, but I do have a couple of ideas why:

It happens in the books and D&D shouldn’t have cut the episode count. Maybe Jon and Dany hook up and/or develop feelings for each other before she breaks bad in the books as well. But since we only have 10 episodes where that could happen and dark!Dany and targ!bowl also has to happen at one point, those two storylines overlap. It isn’t too far-fetched that something will happen in the books as well, since Jon unknowingly committing “incest”, while being tormented about falsely-assumed incest is just too … fucked up, not to have crossed grrm’s mind.

It’s a red herring to throw the audience of Targ!bowl and Jonsa. Yes, I do belong to the people who are pretty very much certain that Jonsa will be endgame. I also belong to the people who are pretty very much certain that targ!bowl will happen one way or another. Believe me or not, I believed that Jon and Dany would rather fight than fuck once she comes to westeros, way before I ever thought about Jon and Sansa being a thing. So it’s not because I’m a salty shipper. So what else do I have to say? It’s a red herring, they are throwing us off the rails, to make Jonsa and Targ!Bowl extra-super-duper-surprising in season 8. And probably a bit rushed as well. Great. Just what I wanted. At least Jonsa was properly set up in season 6 and they mention each other every episode. Coincidence?

They want to have a sex-scene with Kit and Emilia. D&D are trash. They have sexualized countless other encounters on the show, single-handedly coined the term “sexposition”, I do believe they could write in a Jon x Dany sex-story just because. You can call that fanservice if you like. I’m not going to stop you. 

Maybe they thought Jon and Dany having “a history” would make targ!bowl more engaging. Could be.

Either way, I personally feel a bit exhausted by this decision. Not because it “threatens” my ship, it doesn’t imo and not because I’m so opposed to the idea of Jon and Dany hooking up or even having a love-affair. It’s because the screenwriting is sloppy. It’s because they are messing up Danys characterization and maybe Jon’s as well. It’s because both Dany and Jon contradict themselves and the development of their relationship simply suffers by Dany being set on the path to the dark side, without any character on screen noticing it (at least yet. I have this feeling that Tyrion will seriously start to doubt all this very soon.) 

I know this got way too long again, but giving unwanted, unnecessarily long answers is my forte after all. 

I’m still holding my fingers crossed for Jonny playing Dany, all I can do is wait and pray. Let’s see how the rest of the season / series progresses, but for now I’m going to leave you with some wisdom from Ron Swanson, D&D should have taken to heart IMO:

[liquid-pride]

5 Things

I was tagged by @mattchewpicchu to do this lmao But I’m pretty much the most boring person ever. Oh well, I was tagged, so I guess I’ll do it 🤷🏼‍♂️

5 Things You’ll Find on My Blog:

1.) Jokes/ Memes. That used to be what I primarily reblogged. I still do reblog a lot of jokes or memes, but I’ve toned it down. 2.) Artsy Shit. Whether it’s my art work or not (usually not) I reblog and post some artsy stuff everyone now and then. 3.) Video Games. I am a huge video gamer and will reblog almost anything I see on my feed related to games I’ve played. 4.) Anime. Like video games I will reblog almost anything related to any anime I’ve watched as long as it is either funny, related to something memorable in the show, or artsy. 5.) Cute Guys. I’m a gay guy, I love guys; thus, I will reblog any guys I find cute.

5 Things You’d Find in My Room:

1.) My Big Teddy Bear. He’s a giant teddy bear, I love him, what else needs to be said? 2.) My Computer. An easy thing to list off, I spend most of my free time on my computer playing games or watching videos. 3.) A Collection of 3DS Games and My 3DS. I’m a slut for nintendo and will always be a fan of their products. 4.) Various Other Stuffed Animals. Yes, I still have some of my old stuffed animals. Certain ones I have such an emotional connection to that I would probably cry if anything happened to them. 5.) A Plethora of Sketchbooks. As someone who has been drawing for 6+ years, I have plenty of sketchbooks. At some point I will burn them to prevent anyone from seeing the monstrosities in them.

5 Things I’ve Always Wanted To Do:

There isn’t much I want to do, so most of these will be simple. 1.) Do Drag. I wanna go full out. Lace front wig, a stunting outfit, fake breasts, and my face beat for the gods. I don’t see this happening anytime soon because if anyone comes near me with make up I will attack them for trying to make me break out. 2.) Adopt Kids. This obviously isn’t happening anytime soon, but I want kids. If whoever I’m dating doesn’t really want kids they either have to change their mind or leave. I’d be fine with one at the very least, so it’s not that crazy. 3.) Be Flexible. I’m like the most inflexible person, but I love the flexibility that circus performers have and would love to one day be as flexible as them. This would take a tremendous amount of work, and while I can see myself getting more flexible, I will probably never achieve circus-performer-level of flexibility. 4.) Own Any Animal That Isn’t a Cat or Dog. I love my cats and the dogs I’ve had, but it would also be cool to have another pet, like a rabbit or bird. Right now isn’t a good time though lmao. 5.) Not Be Stressed The Fuck Out 24/7. While this isn’t a joke, it’s not like I constantly have pull-my-hair-out levels of stress. I simply constantly feel like I need to be doing something even when there’s nothing that needs to be done and it wears me done. It would be nice to be able to fully relax sometime.

5 Things on My To Do List:

1.) Get Ready For College. Simple, exactly what I said, I move in on the 25th, and start classes on the 28th and I constantly feel like I have to get ready and be prepared, but there’s nothing for me to really do at the moment. (Thank you, anxiety, you’re really making my life easy). 2.) Join The Theatre Program at My College. I like to act, and so I want to join the theatre program at my college, I hope it’ll be as fun or more fun than it was in high school. 3.) Stretch Everyday. This is totally a fucking freebie and is stupid as hell, but I want to be flexible so everyday I have to stretch and my list is so damn boring I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the final straw for whoever even reads this to just stop lmao. 4.) Work on My Art Skills. It’s not everyday where I feel like drawing, but I want to improve and hone on my art style. Drawing is always easier with a reference, but I’m often too afraid to ask people for pictures of them posing; I’ve only asked like one person lmao It just seems too awkward. 5.) Perform Well at College. Sorry so much of my shit has to do with my college, but this is my biggest concern. I had flawless and then nearly flawless grades my last two years of high school, and I really want to continue that in college that way I can go to the graduate school that I’ve been dreaming of: Columbia University.

5 Things You Might Not Know About Me:

1.) I Am Incredibly Sarcastic. Not to the point where you get sick of it, but I do have times where everything I say can sound like it’s dripping with sarcasm. This is more so in person than online though. 2.) I Am Diagnosed With Depression and Anxiety. I can’t remember what specific branch of anxiety, but it’s along the lines of social anxiety. While some may think this is embarrassing, I wasn’t even comfortable buying things from stores until a year or so ago. Before that I would get tremendous anxiety simply from having any interaction with anyone I didn’t know. Often even interactions with people I do know causes me a great amount of anxiety. The depression part is just that, it’s not too severe any more, although I do have nights where an onslaught of thoughts causes me to cry myself to sleep, but I’m used to it now. 3.) I Knew I Was Gay At Four Years Old. If this doesn’t convince people you’re born the way you are then I don’t know what will. Before I even understood what it meant to like someone, I had a crush on my kindergarten teacher’s high-school aged son who would often visit the class. I then proceeded to have a crush on someone I had class with in Kindergarten. And while it was difficult understanding this at such a young age, I think it has shaped me into who I am which I am proud of. 4.) I Am a Quarter Japanese and Have Been to Japan Twice. I can guarantee no one will see this coming, but my father’s mother is fully Japanese. We have visited Japan twice because while my grandmother lives in Texas, her siblings, for the most part, live in Japan. With their increasing old age, they wanted to visit my grandmother’s siblings in 2012 and then one last time this past summer. It was a fun and interesting trip and it was exciting to see everything over there. 5.) For Several Years of My Life I Considered Transitioning. This is something even many of my real life friends don’t know, but from about age 11 to about 16, I often thought about transitioning to female. It seems like something an 11 year old wouldn’t think about, but I did. I thought about it and thought about it. My desire to change my gender used to consume my thoughts. But for me, I think I simply wanted to not feel wrong. Everywhere I looked there was straight couples, all over TV and online. I felt awful. I felt like someone would never love me, and I thought I had to be a girl for a guy to ever think of me as beautiful or lovable. But that’s a load of shit. I’m glad I didn’t transition because unlike those who do, who truly feel like they belong as the other gender, I just wanted to be loved. And I realize now that I don’t need that to be loved. If people don’t like me or love me the way I am now then they can stick my foot up their ass. I love myself, even if I constantly have to tell myself that then I will.

Sorry this post is so long, I mean I only have like 10 followers because this is a recently made account since my other one got fucked up, so it’s not like this will be bothering a whole lot of people. I know I’m supposed to tag people, but that’s gonna make me feel weird due to my social anxiety which you just read about. So I’m just not gonna do that, I’d rather annoy like the one person who’d actually get upset about that then figure out which 5 people I’ll tag and be stressed out about whether they’ll be annoyed that I tagged them or not. So anyway, uh, thanks for reading this I guess. 💝

[archivesdiveronarpg]

Congratulations, ERICA! You’ve been accepted for the role of NICK BOTTOM. Admin Bree: We had two fantastic applications for our Nikolai, but Erica, it was your interview and small details that ultimately tipped the scales. You captured his personality beautifully in his dialogue, as well as his little nuances such as his fidgeting, his complaint about his ass hurting, and his red car and motorcycle. I especially loved, “Cars screeched to a halt to admire his work. People screamed in awe at how fabulous the craftsmanship was. And best of all, he wasn’t dead” - you presented his eccentricity perfectly in three succinct lines. Congrats Erica - we can’t wait to have Nikolai on our dash! Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

                                                                             WELCOME TO THE MOB.

Out of Character

Alias | Erica

Age | 24

Preferred Pronouns | she/her

Activity Level | You guys pretty much know my activity. I work Monday-Friday and have weekends off, and my goal is normally to get at least one reply out through the week, even if I can’t always do that, then try to play catch up on the weekend.

Timezone | EST

Permission | Yup!

In Character

Character | NICK BOTTOM, Nikolai Borisov

What drew you to this character? | Beyond Sebastian Stan, the whole arsonist career was a big reason. It’s so different from what anyone else does, and I would be delighted to have the chance to be as creative with it as I’m sure Nikolai is. Another thing is he seems like he’d be so much fun to play, and I absolutely need someone like that to mess around with, to bring something upbeat to the table rather than someone so serious. He seems like quite an explosion on our saddened Verona and I’d love to strike the match.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? | One of the great things that I feel like I got from his bio is that he doesn’t seem to have a master plan he’s trying to achieve, beyond setting the city aflame, basically, and perfecting his craft as best he can. He isn’t trying to take over an empire, nor is he trying to save one, so I feel like a lot of his development, good or bad, will be strictly to mess with him specifically. Some ideas that aren’t set in stone at the moment are:

LOONEY TUNES | You will never be able to convince me that Pavel isn’t the roadrunner to Nikolai’s coyote, meep meeping his ass into the sunset while Nikolai gets burned with his Acme products. I just want to see how his relationship with Pavel progresses, or anyone else who has the rare opportunity to get on his bad side (seeing as I don’t think he really has one normally.) It definitely sounds like it could be a good time and I insist there be lots of these two in particular, but just lots of shenanigans in general, to be honest.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN A WARZONE, RIGHT? | As was demonstrated by the colosseum upset, all three sides could have a use for Nik’s particular talents, even though he doesn’t really have much interest in any of them. But with his streak of falling in with the wrong crowd, it’s hard to tell which way he might be pulled toward, who might sway him or appreciate his work the most. I’d like to see how he fares in this feud that just keeps getting bigger.

DUDE, WHERE DID YOU EVEN COME FROM? | I don’t think Nikolai thinks about his past much, and I don’t think he’d know how to answer anyone if they asked about it. How did he get this way? Was he born from hellfire, spreading across the world like a plague/cure, depending on whom you asked? I want to dive deeper into this son of a blacksmith and lady of the night, and how that affects who he is now.

In Depth

The following THREE questions must be answered in-character, and in para form (quotations, actions written out if applicable, etc). There is no minimum or maximum limit for your response - simply answer as you would were you playing the character.

What is your favorite place in Verona?

Nik’s leg bounced up and down with a jittery energy as he thought. “The streets,” he said, nodding as he considered it more. “Yeah, definitely the streets. Where you feel like you can go anywhere you want? Go as far as you want for as long as you want? You’ve got the wind against your helmet as your motorcycle flies past the people stuck at home. Yeah…good times.” He slapped out a beat on his thighs that was surprisingly not a mess, despite the quickness of his hands and the distant look on his face. It was hard to tell if he was even paying attention anymore until he spoke again. “Is that the only question?”

What does your typical day look like?

Nikolai smiled, his fingers flicking a lighter on and off. The flame was dangerously close to his jacket, but he didn’t seem to notice. “I don’t know. It always changes.” He probably went through three different sitting positions before he answered again, his lighter gone and back in his pocket. It was hard to tell where it went with the way his hands moved everywhere at once. “I get up, I go out…I stay out.” Nikolai opened his mouth, closed it with a thoughtful expression. Then a light bulb seemed to go off and it was open again, words spilling out in a rush. “You know what I like to do? I like to drive. Have you seen my car over there?” he asked, pointing to a bright red sports car. “That thing flies. I go between it and the bike, drive them around and see what there is to get into.” He rubbed the back of his neck, tapping out another beat, this time with his heel. “Now we’ve gotta be done with questions, right?” His brows furrowed at the accusation of being in a hurry to get somewhere. “No, my ass just hurts from sitting so long. Doesn’t yours?”

What are your thoughts on the war between the Capulets and the Montagues?

It was the first time Nikolai laughed during the interview, and hopefully it was the last. The startling sound came from nowhere, and died just as abruptly, leaving a smile behind as he shook his head. “It’s fucking entertaining is what it is. I mean, you’re telling me these guys are still uptight over something that happened eons ago?” He paused, seemed to think it over. He frowned. “I guess I can see why they’d hold a grudge. Sometimes someone just gets under your skin and…” he stopped, squeezed his hand into a fist like the annoyance was there to feel his grip. Eventually he released his hold on the phantom and waved his hand as if to say never mind. “But that’s besides the point. The point is: I don’t really give a shit.” Nikolai shrugged. “We all know—“ He stopped, laughed that unsettling laugh like he had a secret no one else could know. “We all know they’re gonna turn the city to shit, but it’ll rise. Like a phoenix from the ashes, it’ll rise, and goddamn, it’ll be beautiful.”

In-Character Para Sample:

It’s a bit chilly out. Why don’t we heat things up?

No, no, scratch that.

Wait until his chestnuts roast on an open fire.

What the shit, it’s not even fucking Christmas.

Nikolai groaned, connecting the last wire so that his detonator would actually fucking work this time (last time’s attempt resulted in him almost getting a new haircut.) The faint sound of Buster Poindexter’s Hot, Hot, Hot played through his earbuds, his iPod snug in his pant’s pocket while he meticulously worked on his latest creation. If all went as planned – and it damn well better – the rigging would set the whole ten story building crackling in under a minute.

How, you might ask, Nik thought as he gathered his materials and made sure not to leave any evidence behind. Why, that’s simple. Because I’m a fucking genius, that’s how.

Sucking down his third juice box, he strolled through the building’s basement like it was just another day. Well, mostly, it was just another day. This was his fourth outing in St. Petersburg this month, and a lot more fun than the first three that consisted of burning an empty grocery store, making sure some poor sucker couldn’t drive anywhere, and lighting up a church full of poorly dressed sinners. But this time…he thought he might’ve outdone himself. A ten-story building that belonged to some curmudgeon he could’ve cared less about? It was the perfect testing ground for such experiments, for such masterpieces.

He only went as far as he had to, the bare minimum to keep from getting blasted (the explosion should mostly be internal, if he didn’t account for shattered glass, and go up, not outward, which would hopefully allow for him to be closer.) That was the plan, of course, but this shit always had a way of backfiring.

Ha.

Nik pushed the sunglasses down from the top of his head so that everything was covered in a partial darkness. Just a couple more minutes, and he’d be able to smell the smoke, feel the wave of heat that came barreling toward him. It was quiet except for the sound of cars honking and driving down the street. The flap of birds’ wings as they flew away, sensed a storm coming. The slurp of Nik’s juice box as he sucked up the last of his drink.

5…4…3…2…

1.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.

Like a down-on-their-luck musician, it started from the bottom and rose to the top, glass glittering down like rain as the explosives went off, one after the other. Cars screeched to a halt to admire his work. People screamed in awe at how fabulous the craftsmanship was. And best of all, he wasn’t dead.

Taking a deep breath, and one last moment to appreciate his latest success, he nodded and turned to leave.

Nik made his way through hidden alleyways and abandoned streets to get back to his car, parked far from the crime scene after his last close call with the police. It was tough to drive fancy cars and be a fireman. It made it all too easy to find him sometimes.

A fact he remembered quickly when he saw someone standing by his car.

But they weren’t dressed in the normal uniform he was expecting to run from. No, she was dressed in expensive furs to keep the chill away, hair done up all fancy like she was going to a ball. She stood at attention as Nik walked to his car, a bag full of questionable items in his hand. She hardly paid attention, bright green eyes glued to him, nervous as she tugged her coat tighter.

“Borisov?”

“Maybe,” he said, eyeing her since he had the cover of sunglasses to cover his scrutiny. “Who wants to know?”

Who wanted to know? Well, in that moment, with that very transaction, Nikolai Borisov’s first paying client exploded onto the scene.

And that’s how you do that.

Extras: I have a mock blog for him at totallynotajackass, where I’ve put some graphics and reblogged some things. As for further headcanons:

Cars/Motorcycle – I definitely see him with a motorcycle that he likes to drive everywhere, and I absolutely see him as someone who enjoys the thrill of street racing. Nice cars that go really, really fast? That have engines where it sounds like they roar to life and screech against the street? Nikolai is definitely into death defying stunts, and what better way to get his heart pumping than speeding down Verona’s streets at night against some of the fastest drivers out there?

Drums – probably not a surprise, but he was never taught to play anything like the piano, and he sure as hell never bothered learning. But the drums gave him an outlet for his constantly moving hands and feet. Turned out he wasn’t horrible at keeping a rhythm either.

Burns/Scars – also not a surprise but I see him with burns everywhere. A lot on his back where he’s tried to get away from ones that went astray and didn’t get to walk away like a cool action movie star. Who needs tattoos when your body is littered with striking remembrances of your creations?

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 108

Chapter Summary -  Danielle laughs at people's ideas as to how she was in LA and Britain at once and as she settles back in to London, she gets a visitor.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

All image rights belong to their owners

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller @fairlightswiftly @salempoe @wolfsmom1

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

As expected, there were a plethora of comments regarding Danielle’s apparent ability to be in two different parts of the world at once. Reading through the comments online, she found herself in stitches at some of them. That she had a sister, that she had hired a private jet to get from one place to the other, that she set up the other girl as a decoy to allow her to spend the afternoon unnoticed in Suffolk. She was unperturbed by it all, all she cared about was enjoying the good weather and spending time with Diana, something she did not get to do as often with her and Tom working or spending time in London.

‘So, back to London on Thursday?’ Diana smiled after Danielle had regaled her of the stories going on online with regards her location.

‘Yes, I have to meet with a solicitor there.’ she explained, less than pleased at going back, she loved spending time in Suffolk again, London was great, but a few days away was what she needed.

‘So he is a friend of Tom’s?’

‘No, he is a solicitor in contract law.’

‘So what was it about a friend of Tom’s?’

‘One of the men that works on the Avengers, he does house renovations as a side business, so he offered Tom to have my business offer looked at by his business partner in that,apparently that is something he is good with, accountancy or some other such field, which they did, got me the best offer I could ask for and I did that, now Lucas is sending the new, amended contract for me to get signed legally and from there, I will be the head of the company here, in Europe.’ She smiled.

‘That is a considerable job.’ Diana looked at her in concern.

‘Yes, but let’s face it, better to get a quarter part now and learn everything before I set up my own and have no idea what I am doing.’ she smiled.

‘You always were so determined.’ Diana smiled fondly at her before frowning. ‘A quarter? I thought you said they offered you twenty percent.’

‘They did, I asked for a quarter and they gave it.’ Danielle smirked, ‘If I am working hard, I want more of the profits.’

‘Good girl.’ Diana squeezed her hand. ‘Why let anyone else have it?’

*

Danielle sighed as she entered Tom’s house in Belsize. Even after months living there, it was still Tom’s in her mind. She liked it, but were she the one who had been looking for a house in London, she would not have gotten it, it never really felt right. Too modern in a sense she could not articulate. She liked older style houses, but nonetheless, as much as it was Tom’s house, she saw it as a home.

Mac sniffed his food bowl as though expected to find some food there, disappointed to find none, he trotted over to his bed as Danielle sorted herself.

Tom was due back the middle of the following week, so considering her own work she needed to do, she simply got what was needed for the next few days for herself and Mac and took out the now fully signed and official contract, along with the titled paperwork for Danielle Hughes, Partner and European Co-ordinator. Looking at it, seeing her name embossed in such a way, made her excited for the work she was about to begin. Having scoured the company for concerns such as credit and money issues, she was given a suggestion to go for her venture by the man that Renner worked with and thus, her plans were brought to fruition as she had envisioned, years ahead of schedule.

After an afternoon of cleaning and organising the house, she made a simple dinner before relaxing on the couch, not paying much attention to the TV as she worked on more work needed for Branagh’s movie. She dozed off during the ten o’clock news on the couch, Mac laying on the floor under her feet.

*

Tom was exhausted, the flight was delayed twice and he had done early hour filming before he was able to get home, but when they offered him an earlier jet back to Britain, or wait a few more days, there was no discussion, he was ready in half an hour. He knew from his conversation with his mother earlier in the day, that Danielle had returned to London, so he hoped to surprise her, bringing a large bouquet of flowers he had Luke order be readied for him on his arrival as well as a gift from the US. He noticed the lights on when the cab arrived outside the house, so he paid the driver and got out, getting his suitcase and other belongings with him and making his way to the door, he knocked and stayed quiet, not wanting to reveal who was on the other side of the door. There was no response so he knocked again. That time, there was a few barks from Mac to alert Danielle to the door. He grinned as he heard the dog on the other side.

‘Who on Earth would be here at this hour?’ he heard Danielle’s voice on the other side of the door, clearly, he had woken her up.

Feeling guilty, he put the bouquet where she would see them and waited for her to unlock the door. The door opened only slightly at first, the safety chain still on as she looked out. ‘Good evening Ma’am, is is true Danielle Hughes, a partner of Safeguard Limited lives here?’

‘Tom!’ she closed the door for a moment to open it wide and let him in. ‘You’re home early.’

‘Yes, they apparently like to not even tell us when and where we are off to keep things quiet, Hello Darling.’ he put down everything and wrapped his hands around her, kissing her as he did so. ‘I missed you.’

‘Mm missd ou.’

Tom chuckled as she continued to kiss him and speak, pulling back to hand her the flowers, ‘These are for you, and no, you don’t need to be suspicious.’

‘I feel like that is something someone suspicious would say.’ She smiled, taking them. ‘What’s the occasion?’

‘I missed you and I wanted to get you something I thought looked nice to celebrate your incredible achievement with something nice, starting with some flowers.’

‘Starting?’ She asked, her concern apparent.

‘Yes,’ he grinned wickedly. Mac rushed between his legs looking for attention. ‘Hey buddy, I missed you.’ he rubbed the dog, who licked his chin with excitement. ‘I need to get these things upstairs, and after that, I need to spend time with you, five weeks apart is hell.’ he kissed her again.

‘You have dog drool on you.’ Danielle laughed as she wiped her chin after he rubbed his chin against hers.

‘Sorry.’

‘Come on, I’ll take your hand luggage, you take the other bag.’ she smiled, lifting the smaller back and heading for the stairs. Tom followed suit with the other bag. When he went into their room, he smiled, it was clear she had organised things again, a fresh batch of books brought from her own house, Tom gave her a raised brow. ‘I don’t apologise,’ She smiled, causing him to chuckle. ‘Do you need something to eat?’

‘I am starving.’

‘We’ll get you something…’ she stopped what she was saying as she looked down at Tom’s hand, which was on her wrist. ‘Tom?’

He grinned and pulled her to him, kissing her again as he did, his hands making their way to her ass. ‘I’m not starving for food.’ He leant down and kissed her neck where he knew she liked it. ‘I have not had you in over a month, Elle.’ He kissed up her neck. ‘I have dreamt of you and your incredible body at night, you have no idea how many times I wish I was home with you.’ He pressed her into the wall and began untying her sweatpants, his hands frantic as he tried to get them off her.

‘Tom, do you not want to wait until later and go slowly?’ Danielle asked as she undid his belt.

‘Oh, you seem to be under the impression you are leaving the bed tomorrow before noon, you are sorely mistaken. But I need to have you, right now.’

‘Did you have a pill or something before you came that you cannot wa...Oh God, Tom.’ He hoisted her against the wall and pushed into her at the same time, her body, much to his relief, she was already prepared somewhat for him. ‘Fuck me.’

‘What a coincidence, I am doing that right now.’ he grinned as he began to move his hips, biting his lip as he concentrated on their pleasure.

For her part, Danielle used dresser next to her to take some of her weight as she used her strength to help bounce herself on him, gasping as her body seemed to realise what she had deprived it of in his absence and reacted by moaning as he ensured to hit the points in her he knew she loved. ‘Tom, fuck. I’m gonna…’

‘Yes, good girl.’ she bit his bottom lip, moaning as he continued to press himself against the most pleasurable parts of her, bringing her closer to the edge. ‘Elle, God.’ he moaned as he felt her body tightening around him. ‘God, yes.’

Danielle came as he pressed into her again, using the angle he knew she adored as he did so. She pressed her head back as she clenched her teeth, a strangled moan of absolute pleasure escaping her as she felt her body grip onto his length, using it to lose itself in pleasure.

As she went limp from her satisfying release, Tom continued to chase his own. Her orgasm had made her even wetter, the lewd sound of his entering her again and again only adding to the sensation. After another minute, he finally got his release, something that had been eluded him since he had left, craving Danielle’s body against his. He was slightly louder than he usually tended to be, but without her for so long, it felt more intense than he was used to. ‘Fuck.’ he gasped as he tried to catch his breath.

‘Good?’ She smiled as her breathing had regulated once more.

‘Fucking incredible.’ His lips made their way to her neck again before snaking them up her throat to her jaw, littering open-mouthed kisses as he did so. ‘I love you.’

She smiled adoringly back. ‘I love you too, you silly, sweet and incredible man. I am so glad you are home.’

[carbonsequestrian]

man i dont even know if i should share this because it’s super weird/ poorly written/ doesn’t make any sense but i feel like i keep too much too myself so here is a block of text i wrote and didn’t edit and if you read it, i love you.

Well, id like to kick off my music blogging career with a piece about a song that has continued to inspire me since the moment I heard it about 5 years ago. Something about the song awakens this dragon in me… or rather, something about the song awakens a knight that is about to go and slay a dragon, and that feeling crashes into every fiber of my being resulting in me feeling fucking powerful. Idk what the secret is. I wish I had found this sound when  I did a song analysis project for my freshman writing seminar back in college. (I chose Sublime’s Santeria for that project… and it was a shit show. Believe it or not, trying to write 10 pages about a song that doesn’t inspire every fiber of your being is insanely difficult. Lesson – if you have to write a lot, write about something you fucking love and admire.)

 The song is Don’t Waste Time Doing Things You Hate by And So I Watch You From Afar of their self titled 2009 release. I think it’s their debut album. Anyway, the band makes instrumental rock music. Stuff that superheroes and supervillains alike would use as a theme song. I discovered them from Worldhaspostrock on youtube, so check them out.

 Of course, now that im sitting down to write about the song I cannot think of any words to say about it. Lovely how that happens. Especially after bragging about how easy it is to write about something you love. HA>

If you’ve ever done something you hate, you sure know how that feels. Part of you feels trapped -momma didn’t raise no quitter – and another part of you is too busy daydreaming about what you’d rather be doing to formulate a plot to get you there. Feeling stuck doing something you hate is exactly how I felt when I discovered this song. I chose my major at college based on what a guy who I’d met over the internet was studying, he called me pretty and would send me ‘good morning’/ ‘sweet dreams’ texts, so we were obviously super serious. And I was going to study the same thing as him and we would conquer the world together, duh. Lo and behold, I hated my major. And because I hated my major, I didn’t really fit in with any of the people I met through my major. There was one chick who I liked because she hated it too, but we were very different people. I did sports in college instead of joining a music group (being in an acapella group was a last minute goal of mine) because A. everyone in my family was super sporty B. no one in my family thought very highly of music and C. I was fucking terrified of it. Every bit of it sends anxiety chills down my spine and up my toes. Singing in front of people in a room? Singing with people? Having people rely on you to do your thing correctly in order to achieve a desired result? Fuck that’s anxiety inducing. And let me make this clear, I don’t have stage fright. But I do have Perfectionist Block (a totally real issue, created by me, ill discuss it further in another post) which makes me extremely hard on myself.

 So anyway, to paint the picture – 20 year old me is in the library for the 50th hour that week (no kidding, I went to Cornell, and seriously spent 6-10 hours a day in the library studying during regular term. Finals/ testing weeks, it’d double) looking for upbeat instrumental music that could make me feel like a bad ass and I find this band. The first song I found by them was The Voiceless, off the same album. That song fucking slaps. I must’ve listened to it 30 times before saying “hey, why don’t I check out their other stuff?” and thus gave this album a listen. I was so stressed that week, so tired, felt so lost and alone. I hated every fucking minute of my life but I was pushing through it because I wanted to make my mom proud. Every morning I would angrily get ready for class, pissed off that elitism and this desperate urge to prove oneself through menial shit such as ‘ivy league’ degrees would push someone to find the line of their breaking point and balance on it. All for what? If I died tomorrow, who could speak of who I am? At cornell, I was a cornell student. That was it. By being there, I wasn’t anything of myself anymore. I wasn’t strong, I wasn’t funny, I wasn’t good with animals, I wasn’t a hard-worker, I wasn’t smart – though, those last traits were implied – I simply became a product of an institution. One that I loved, don’t get me wrong. I had been looking for reassurance/ acceptance/ approval my entire life, and that letter that I got from a world renowned school was it – so I thought. But then I got there and my imposter syndrome went wild. I wasn’t truly smart, or good at learning. In fact, high school had been so easy for me that I was able to scrape by with great grades without ever working on schoolwork outside of school (I’d do my work during lunch, when I would eat in the chorus room/ my English teacher’s room since I had no friends.) at school, I thought I’d made friends, but they ditched me when I needed them most. In retrospect, I should’ve been more forgiving – no one’s perfect -  but ill blame my poor socialization through high school here. I saw kids who worked their asses off day and night. A 16 year old math prodigy lived in my hall. And I had nothing to show for my intelligence outside of the fact I was able to take enough HS classes in middle school that I’d manage to have 4 hours of school my senior year (typically, that time would be so that kids could take extra APs. But I said fuck that.)

 Truth is,  I was so insecure and unsure of myself that being thrown into the lava pit that is college – any college, not just an ivy league – was emotionally and mentally overwhelming. I found myself getting drunk to the point of almost dying most nights. Every time with strangers. I’d often go to the bridges, where so many had leapt to their deaths before, and ponder if that’s where I belonged. Crashing amongst the rocks and water in the gorges. Man, I was fucking depressed. And a ball of anxiety. I had no real identity, you’d ask me what I liked or what I wanted from my life and I’d have no real answer. My answer would vary based on what youtube videos I had been watching that week. I was so scared of being judged.

 Point is, I found nothing that I felt a connection to. Not my major. Not my peers. Occasionally my surroundings, but typically only in the morbid, I’d like to throw myself off this sort of way. Life is so much more complex than those things, and truth is, ill never really be able to explain away all of the different shit in my life that was bringing me down. Making me feel worthless. Dumb. Like I didn’t belong. And the first thing that I felt like understood this, was this song. Even writing that out I feel like it confirms my worst fears, that I am worthless/ delusional/ crazy/ not even a real person. How does one go through 20 years of life and can only feel connected to a pile of noises that a stranger has made and recorded? Wavelengths generated by someone else’s finger tips never felt so good. They resonated through my brain and spoke to my soul. It was like I was being sucked into a black hole and obliterated to nothing. And that was what I needed, because I was able to look at who I was and take a chance to rebuild. To change.

 With no one to talk to, no one who understood me, and no real goals or aspirations in my life/ being too crippled by fear to even take a chance to achieve my goals/ aspirations in life, I darted in the complete opposite direction. Left that ‘dream school’ for a state school 2000 miles away. I still waste plenty of time doing things I hate, but every day I try to do my best to find the things I love. It’s been a long hard road, and I am so unsure of myself. I realize I’ll never have the validation I seek, at least not externally. Still, going to cornell is my greatest achievement and those close to me hold a grudge that I left without fulfilling my diploma. And looking back, I could’ve done it. Taken some time off, sought a therapist outside of the free service offered, opened up to some of the people I had met. Hindsight is 2020. And im here now.

 This song means the world to me. The suspense of the guitar plucking in the intro is an emotion I was swallowed in. the anger and noise of the guitars from 1:11-1:30 was how I felt every morning when I looked at the day ahead. The desperation of the guitars at 2min how I looked at the people around me, who appeared to have their shit all together. Their heads above the water. Looking at me drowning below the surface. But I had a smile on my face, so I must have been fine. Then the clarity that comes at 3mins. The music starts to feel like it’s getting itself together. 3:35-4:15, when big changes happen. And the la la lalalalalas. That’s how I was, just “la de da-ing” my way through life, not really thinking about what I was going to take from this world and my short time getting to experience it. The song gets progressively happier, and calmer, as I hope my own life will be, though I’m still in my 3min phase when it feels like it’s starting to get itself together.

 Ill always hold onto the hard times I went through at school. And ill wish everyday for a time machine, so I could go back in time and tell 18 year old me to just chill and ‘discover yourself, man’ before going to a place that has so much potential. Because the truth is, I was too insecure to be successful at such an institution. I still think I’m too insecure. But at least now I know, and I’m not living under this idea that because I got into a good school I am a good person and good things will come to me.

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

who I copd wif dislexiya.

So I know the title is spelt wrong some of my awful humour hehe. But here you go my experience with having learning difficulties and how it affected me, My mental health and my work.

 So as you know I am dyslexic, it took me a lot of courage to make some blogs due to anxiety over spelling. I have an official diagnosis of dyslexia dyspraxia and Dyscalculia. Isn't it funny how all of those are spelt strangely hard for a dyslexic to wright and spell right? Haha yes, it sucks. In fact, I am probably only getting this right because of autocorrect love it. But fun fact I was never officially diagnosed in January of 2020 so all 20 years if my life no one has really supported me in this I knew I struggled with it a lot. No one at my school helped me with it whatsoever. I remember always being told to 'try harder' or 'you're not trying'. I always thought I was lazy or stupid back in primary school my handwriting was awful that was a big problem in my home life my parents and grandparents always told me off for this I a a lot of shit for it I couldn't help it my dyspraxia meant it took me longer to write less like a doctor I still do wright as bad as a doctor probably worse I don't know if a doctor could even read it, I can't half the time. One of the earliest memory's with writing, and handwritten stuff is in year 2 I had homework and my mum and dad kept making me re wright stuff over and over and over again until I got it right it really had a massive effect on my self-esteem and confidence I cried a lot I got it right in the end, But my family I didn't understand I am very surprised that my primary School never picked up on my dyslexic and other issues they didn't help me the only thing they ever did was move me down to year 4 when I was in year 6 for maths cuz I was shit Secondary wasn't much better they only gave me a year or two of English support which did help but not much I was told by them I might be dyslexic but wasn't diagnosed with it which is another very stupid thing. They should have how they didn't pick up on my dyspraxia and Dyscalculia I don't know probably cuz my school was shit and didn't actually care about the students within it well the learning support I got for a few years was amazing she was the most lovely tutor I had it was sad when she left, and I had no further assistance this had a massive effect on me being in the bottom set for every lesson I hated it I was with all the kids who bullied me all the kids who rather sit there take the piss out of anyone who was different and bully them rather than learning. Being dyslexic I needed to concentrate on things, and I only ever wanted to do well in school of course because I wanted to learn this was wrong and that's why I got bullied so much the whole bottom set used to make me feel like shit my mate at the time was in the top set and would go on and on about the grades (because I'm a dinosaur I used a,b and c grading, in fact, one of the last years to use the normal system) and id be getting shit grades, I wasn't getting help for my learning problems. Also I asked her for help with the bullying, and she said she didn't want to get involved not even to talk to her about it, that was an excellent friend so glad we don't talk anymore(Bitch.)

 I had little confidence in myself at this point in the year I wasn't smart like my friends, it took me longer to do stuff, so I'm stupid that's what I I always assumed my parents were constantly having a go at me for not doing well in anything I wasn't doing well in sports or academically due to my difficulties, it was tough for me to fit in no one understood.

 You know what I used to and still kinda annoys me I feel shit for admitting it when people moan about getting like A's and Cs because I could never get up to that standard and people would complain if they got a c, it would hurt me because I couldn't do it. Once I was sat with my friends, they as on about maths saying how there annoyed they got a high c grade. There was I sat there still with no math GCSE with in fact a shitty f thinking oh wow lucky you got a c.

 But that sucked anyways got off-topic so back on topic now sorry about that I don't even remember what I was talking about. #dyslexic moment or it could be my dementia is kicking in. (This part was written by a drunk dino, but I'm keeping it in because why the fuck not.)

 The first year of college wasn't too bad it was games design on the computer so didn't actually I have to do much with words. The college didn't know about my disability probably thought I was stupid like I did I still do believe this. Yet, afte the proper diagnosis of my disability, it was better I accept it a lot more than before. Nevertheless, the college was rough until the end where they were like" oh yeah by the way you will never get far without your maths there is no point you being on this course, So we decided to be shitheads and waste a year, oh. Here you go have more trauma and depression byeeeee" so long story short (you've heard this many many times sorry.)

 I moved and did software engineering in another college(For 2 years) they also didn't realise I was dyslexic. This was still having a massive effect on my mental state, I was 18 and id be told all my life I was lazy and wasn't trying hard enough, so it would make me feel bad. I realised I mentioned my Dyslexia a lot and mot my other ones but oh well.

 Towards the end of my college this tutor, I had come up to me. I said he'd read my assignment it was good. Still, he asked in the most delightful way possible if I was dyslexic as his daughter has it. My written work was much like hers. He got me some help. Sadly this was around the time my mental state got unbearable to attend anymore, so I do still thank that

guy.

 Coming to university is something I never thought id do I I always thought my maths work was too shit. I wasn't very confident in getting into uni, but oh well that was me being all negative and having a fuck ton of shit wrong with me. Once I got into this university, I was happy first thing I did in the week was getting a full-on diagnostic of my learning difficulties. As I was fed up of living under the shadows of your not good enough or stuff like this and you're not trying. Also fun fact I have a mental health mentor for my depression and she used to claim that I was lazy and wasn't dyslexic so that was a lot of fun yay... So September I got a appoint for January the wait then I had that and was fully diagnosed with Dyslexia dyspraxia and Dyscalculia. Also doing musical theatre really helped me with my dyspraxia. I never told anyone I was there, but it helped me a lot with my coordination.

 For those who don't know what these are you probably know dyslexia but the other two maybe I'm assuming okay (digs hole deeper) imma shut and explain before I dig more of a hole.

 Anyways for Dyslexia the definition is "Dyslexia is a learning disorder that involves difficulty reading due to problems identifying speech sounds and learning how they relate to letters and words (decoding). Also called reading disability, Dyslexia affects areas of the brain that process language."

 Dyscuaulia on google is explained as "Dyscalculia is a math learning disability that impairs an individual's ability to represent and process numerical magnitude in a typical way. Dyscalculia is sometimes called "number dyslexia" or "math dyslexia." Dyspraxoca is on google is explained as" Developmental coordination disorder (DCD), also known as dyspraxia, is a condition affecting physical coordination. It causes a child to perform less well than expected in daily activities for their age, and appear to move clumsily.

    Of course, this is only what google says each person is different and with different symptoms and mild or bad. For example, the guy who interviewed (is it an interview probably not but oh well ) said he was very surprised that no one had picked up on it as my Dyslexia was very bad so was the rest he was very annoyed at all of my schools and colleges so am I if they would have picked upon it I wouldn't have struggled so much and wouldn't be so hard on myself with the fact that I can't write or read. It was a rough upbringing with my parents are always putting pressure on me to achieve when I simply can't do it.

 I can't read well or write well it was a very very rough system I still haven't fully accept myself I still don't ask anyone to read my blogs proofread because I don't feel comfortable to do so, I would like to, but they have more important things to do rather than read through

my shitty ass writing.

 So there you go another blog that's way longer than it should be. Still, these blogs take a lot of effort it goes from word to grammer.ly to word so it can read it to me then back into Grammarly its a long process but here is the blog about me. There are a lot of famous people with these difficulties a lot more than you realise google it it's interesting and made me feel less alone it's more common than you think my therapist is dyslexic its awesome meeting fellow dyslexics or Dyscalculia or dyspraxias.

 I also added some links below for helpful resources for dyslexia dyscalculia and dyspraxia.

 Dyslexia

 https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dyslexia/living-with/

 https://www.nessy.com/uk/teachers/essential-teaching-tips-dyslexia/

dyspraxia

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/developmental-coordination-disorder-dyspraxia-in-adults/

 https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-adults/

 dyscalculia

https://www.readandspell.com/dyscalculia-in-adults

 https://safespot.org.uk/safespotopedia/dyslexia-dyscalculia/

 Love Dino the Dyslexic

Blogger xx

[archivesdiveronarpg]

Congratulations, ALLIE! You’ve been accepted for the role of GERTRUDE. This application was truly a joy to read, Allie! We’ve been waiting for someone to come along and bring our complex mother (and captain, and lover, and adulteress) to life, so it’s safe to say that simply seeing an application for her in the inbox was a treat in itself, but your understanding of her and your attention to detail absolutely blew me away! I adored the way you depicted her as deliberate, if not a bit two-faced, in the wake of her husband’s death, and your mention of her avoidance of alcohol as a result of his excessive drinking was something even I hadn’t considered but loved so, so much. Thank you so much for applying! Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within twenty-four hours.

                                                                           WELCOME TO THE MOB.

Alias | Allie

Age | 21

Preferred Pronouns | she/her

Activity Level | Very active! All my friends leave me when they go back to school, so I’m usually on daily.

Timezone | EST

In Character

Character |  Giya Godrej (Gertrude)

What drew you to this character? Every time I’d read or watch a version of Hamlet in class I would just yearn to get into Gertrude’s head! This would be the perfect chance to do so, don’t you think? Since I’m so fascinated with her I do think that I have a good grasp on her, but she’s one of those characters that can never fully be put in a box. You can’t completely condemn her or justify her as a character, and there’s so much fun gray area to play in. I can’t say enough good things about her bio and how you made her such a strong flushed out character.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? I think that Giya has such a crazy juxtaposition of denial and self awareness in her life that she’s just bound to combust eventually, or if she can overcome her guilt she’ll be able to rise to the top. (Obviously all of this will be discussed and plotted out with the other characters)

1) Giya has obviously found it hard to be around her son lately because of the guilt and how much he reminds her of his father and what she did to their family. The three musketeers. She really fucked that one up. Still, the guilt she feels is leading her to want her to be a better mother to him and make sure he turns out to be the amazing man she knows he is. There’s the possibility of her growing more and more worried and concerned by his antics, and she’ll go to any length to help the one thing in her she loves more than herself. There’s no part of her that wants to come clean about Clark right now, and she justifies keeping the secret because the truth would only hurt him. But, there’s also the possibility of him finding out about her relationship with Clark.

3) I could definitely see Giya becoming a leader/mother figure to all the younger female Montagues because she’s all about empowering women. In all honesty, I see her growing closer to all of the younger Montagues during this war and there might even be more maternal instincts that she never even knew she had kicking in. She’s already has that kind of dynamic with Odessa which I can’t wait to see developed. Giya comes off as humble, but she’s pretty freaking impressed by herself and all that she’d managed to achieve in life and there’s no way she’s not excited to bestow those lessons and tactics on someone as deserving as Odessa. She was very surprised at the interest that Odessa took in her job at first, but the younger woman is slowly proving herself to Giya.

4) I can see Giya going to Roman and/or Hector and looking for help or advice on her relationship with Hiran. Or maybe she’ll try to convince herself they’re the bad influences on him? Either way, there’s a lot of potential for her having some plot lines with these two.

5) I know that currently Gia is recovering from what happened at the Masquerade (I read the event summary and I’m assuming that’s still applicable) the attack is something that is going to set a fire under her ass and it’s not something she’s going to take sitting down. Orion better watch out.

6) Giya’s relationship with Clark could either be strengthened at this time, or turn very tumultuous. Although she’s a strong woman who doesn’t need protecting, she’d going to expect that he provides a sense of security for her and Hiran. I think a lot of their relationship is going to depend on how he handles the war. Also, there could always be a sneaking suspicion that Clark knows more about his brother’s death that he’s letting on. That would definitely lead to an existential crisis for Giya.

In Depth

What is your favorite place in Verona?

Full lips turning up in a small smile, with only the most tasteful hint of sadness, Giya let out a small, contemplative, hum. “Well I always loved being home with my two boys. It’s been hard, after everything. But I can’t stay cooped up forever. Haref would have never wanted that for me, and I have to be strong for my son.” What was she supposed to say, Clark’s apartment? A place where they could both momentarily escape the paranoia of what they were doing? In all honesty, if it wasn’t for the memory of her husband, the great man he was, and her son Giya would have no qualms about that answer. She never felt the need to explain herself to those who didn’t know her, as if they had any moral high ground to judge her from. Unfortunately, that would never be the case, of which Hiran was a constant reminder.

What does your typical day look like?

Giya was aware that she was still constantly evoking sympathy among her peers, but some quality closest to pride stopped the widow from playing into that more than she needed to. The brunette could have effortlessly turned her answer into a tearjerker, waxing poetic about her deceased husband and how much her life had changed since his passing. But why lie more than she needed to? Instead, she narrowed her piercing eyes for a few seconds to create the illusion she was thinking thoroughly before she spoke. “I’ve been spending a significant amount of time with Odessa Vernon.” Beat. The poor thing. The words Giya would never verbalize silently trailed behind her sentence. If anyone knew what it felt like being treated like a human porcelain doll with feelings more delicate than her frame, it was Odessa. “She’s turning out to be quite the impressive little spitfire, and at the risk of sounding like an old lady- she reminds me of myself at her age.”

What are your thoughts on the war between the Capulets and the Montagues?

Giya made a conscious effort not to light up at the question, for this was one she could answer with complete honesty. Not as grieving widow. A worried mother. A guilty adulterer. But a Montague. “You’d think they’d know better than to throw rocks and hide their hands. Then again, intelligence has never been a Capulet’s strong suit.” The triumphant smirk that didn’t grace Giya’s full lips was heavy in her voice however, she just couldn’t help herself. “It shouldn’t last long, I have great confidence in the Montagues.”

In-Character Para Sample:

Cabernet Sauvignon. Her old wine of choice. The mixture of dark fruit and even darker pepper wafted through the air and sent Giya to a time she’d never thought she’d be trying so hard to forget.

The night she drank more red wine than she thought humanly possible. Back when her precious Hiran was just a young boy, before she realized that at least one parent should set a good example and she and swore off alcohol. She was also still very much in love with Haresh. He was charismatic, magnetic, and everyone knew it. They’d taken the day to shop for sport supplies, and the two boys spent a full hour testing basketballs.  Leaning against a nearby shelf, feet sore and back cramping, Giya had made the mistake of suggesting they just pick one already. Hiran was hurt by her tone, and stormed off; inconsolable. Harsesh looked at her as if she had just told their son Santa Claus killed his favorite puppy.

When they got home that night, Giya was at the end of her rope, and that scared her. Maybe she wasn’t cut out for this whole parenting thing. It came so natural to Haresh. Everything always did. He was father of the year and she was … what? Mommie Dearest. Joan Crawford. Norma Bates.

“Mom. I was annoyed by him.” She sobbed over the phone, mascara sliding down to her wine stained lips. “I was annoyed by my baby.” What that she heard on the other line? Static? A fucking laugh? The woman who she hardly spoke so candidly to actually had the nerve to. A quick reminder why she hardly ever called home. Giya thought she was broken as a mother, and this was funny to her? “That’s going to happen sweetie, it doesn’t mean you love him any less.” She was right about her daughter’s love for her grandson, and Giya would never stop striving to put his happiness before hers. Maybe it wasn’t something that came naturally, but she never stopped hoping it would be. Unfortunately the same couldn’t be said for Haresh.

Something inside Giya clenched at the thought, rendering her speechless for a moment. “It smells lovely, dear. But I’ll just have a water with lemon.” Her smile might have been tighter than it needed to be. Still, the novice bartender took the sample glass out from underneath her nose and granted her the peace and quiet she desired. No longer feeling obligated to sniff the new house wine, Giya turned her attention back to her phone. She resented not being able to work with Damiano in person, but she was still considered to be too fragile for anything but the occasional catch up email. She itched to be back at her head boss’s side, and was growing weary of chasing away all the questions she had regarding appropriate mourning procedures. Then again, she had nothing to prove to herself. She mourned the loss of her husband, but knew that he’d want her to carry on as the strong asset she was to the Montagues.

Extras: www.giyasinspo.tumblr.com

1) Giya was able to shed most everything from her life pre-riches, except for the fact that she popped out of her mother’s womb cursing like a sailor. Poise wasn’t exactly the first lesson taught in her household, it was something she realized she had to teach herself. Usually skilled at catching herself in front of other people, she acts properly mortified and apologetic when a curse slips once a blue moon. It’s the one thing about her that hints at her not so pristine upbringing, and she hates it but can’t shake the habit.

2) She’s a Virgo, and has always been very competitive when it came to the odd board game here and there. Still, she doesn’t even like to show that side of her, she keeps her emotions close to her chest.

3) Deciding that her husband was doing enough drinking for the both of them, she only has the odd glass of white wine here and there. Mostly when she’s with Clark, but lately his drinking has been irking her more than usual.