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[the-dyslexic-blogger]

Am i a joke to you 8/12/20

hey sorry tumblr i forgot about you ahah but here is another blog after mouths of waiting sorry

Okay so hello I'm back sorry it's been so long thanks to university work drowning me in computers and paper and a waterfall of assignments but I'm back now this one isn’t a walk in the park so there is a trigger warning for the following Self-harm, suicide, Depression, Anxiety, Eating disorders, abuse so do you hear that choo choo TRAUMA TRAIN TIME  enjoy (can I say enjoy?)Rant

When you can’t go out because you feel like a danger to yourself, you feel like if you are on your own you will do damage. Why is it so hard to find counselling in the year  2020? Why is depression and anxiety still you can go to hospital and get help for a broken leg but a fucked up mind with scars everywhere and a raging mind. I believe I’m lonely I believe I will never get over the sexual abuse no one cares no therapist takes me seriously.

Each night it’s like a tightrope walking across it the thoughts and suicide is the rope each night thousands of people fall I’ve lost count of the times I’ve fallen and tried to kill myself suicide is not a joke NO mental illness is a joke life sucks it really does.

My life is a mess my brain is a mess no one will help me every time I try to get help shit goes down. The thing that I think I relate to the most is this spoken poetry ‘to this day’ I’ll link it in the bottom. I never belonged in school I lost my friend at the age of 13 I was bullied and abused my whole life I was sexually abused numerous times by mums friends son I was abused in college and then again in uni my brain is a mess of suicide self harm eating disorders and everyone refuses to help the broken kid who never opened up because of trust issues and the one time I decide hey it’s time to open up I wait 4 months to be told I can’t have therapy even though the assessment was done and all said to be good.

I am told and I do say I tell others ‘it gets better’ or ‘its worth living for’ but I usually shrug it off and don’t believe it all I want is the sweet relief of death and a blade that sooths the pain I feel within.

Just because it’s mental doesn’t mean it’s not real mental health is as real as a broken leg or a cut wrist mental illness most likely turns out to have physical consequences. You know why because you get so fed up of your own brain being locked up with it and the demons screaming in your ears that there is only one way to get away from the pain and that’s to inflict it on yourself

I go out when I can drag myself out of my bed which is the hardest thing at times putting the smile on and pretending everything is fine when inside my head is like a war people win the little battles of depression and not the war the war is so much bigger than people say it is the war against your own head your own voices and just admitting you are not okay is embarrassing at times it doesn’t help I hate my whole body I’m a trans man and seeing my body makes my depression a lot worse at the moment I am not ok I was turned down from therapy after 4 months of waiting so no I’m not okay I’m far from it.

With university work trauma self harm eating disorders trust issues galore I hate every day I wake up and realise I’m alive is horrible each night I go to sleep hoping I die in my sleep I am just not happy with my life and the way the mental health system works it IS FUCKED in the age of 2020 you’d think there would be flying cars but nope we are currently in lockdown stuck inside because of a virus this year has been a shit show but take this year times it by 10,000 and then you have what having depression is that’s what it is like each waking moment of having depression. Sleeping is easy but sometimes I don’t feel safe because dreams and sleep paralysis gets me and then the moment where I’m meant to be safe isn’t I don’t feel safe in my dreams my trauma doesn’t leave me alone every moment is hell.

Feeling so anxious you can't go out feeling as though you're going to go through rape all over again I think our system needs to change. People like me who have been through hell should be a priority people who feel as though the only way out of their problems is the sweet relief of the knife slicing their arm up the sweet relief of the noose as it takes your life as the chair falls on the floor you pull that trigger on the gun BANG your dead.

Depression anxiety and other mental disorders may be invisible to others BUT not to the people who are in constant agony of life the constant burden that life puts on you the constant shots that are fired as you are called the names ‘ugly’ ‘fat’ and people wonder why we are all depressed I wonder why

Anyway sorry its been a while but I love you all

Stay strong

Love Dino xx

As per usual some helplines and also the video I referenced ..

Nhs depression-  https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

Mind-  https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/useful-contacts/

To this day = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltun92DfnPY

i am aware its dated as the 8th but ti was uploaded on the 9th its nealy 3am and i worte it on the 8 th lol messed sleeping patten .... fun anyways hope you enjoyed 

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

So hello sorry its been so long ive been trying to sort things out and mental health problems so this is closely related to the blog under the name of ‘broken trust’ Trigger warnings suicide,SELF harm,Abortion,rape There is apart of the story I missed out and youlll understand why in a sec. So after the rape off of Aiden (rapes #3 and #4) I knew something wasn’t right. In January I did a test and found out I was pregnant as a result of the rape I went through. It was a horrible thing to see bit I already kinda knew. My friend had to hold me to stop me from killing myself because I was very close I wanted to die so badlly… My world fell apart but my mate stayed by me he kept me safe and we made a appointment at the abortion clinic I still hate myself for it but I could not have a child living in an abustve home and if my parents knew I'd be kicked out even if they also knew it was from a rape. My mental health was poor and im a university student I couldn’t deal with it. You can say ‘why didn’t you put it up for adption?’ because I would probably end up killing the baby before it came to it with my eating disorders and my achol problems ive had oh and the overdoses… But yeah so the night before we went to the clinic in Mansfield we quickly went to my accomodation at 12am snuck in to my flat and had to be awake at 6am for the train. All night I led there thinking of how much I wanted to cut myself so deep just so I could slide the blade across my wrist feel the warm blood drip down my arm before I pass out and die its all I wanted the sweet relief of death. But I kept going. It was rough, I dragged myself out of bed well my friend did and we got the train I was so anxious and felt sick and tired but couldn’t nap I felt shit and on the edge of a panic attack then we arrived into Mansfield and we started making our way to the place I kept stopping cuz of my anxiety I felt so anxious all day I was like a second off having a full on panic attack. We started to get closer and I slowed down I was panicking most the time we first couldn’t find the place then I was so anxious I couldnt talk so my friend talked for me we found it and I filled out some forms. We sat in the waiting room the radio was playing and all I wanted to do was to burst into tears all I wanted was to cry and die. My friend went to the bathroom and I was called through. The lady was lovey as fuck, she made me feel comfortable and not so shit about my decision I knew I couldn’t look my rapist's child in the face I couldn’t care for it. She asked a lot of questions about me and my reasons why I didn’t have to but they were very patient with me and let me take my time.The ladies in the reception thingy were so lovely I think they could tell I was anxious. What made me feel slightly better is there were 3 or 4 other people in there so made me feel less alone with what I was doing. We had to wait a bit and because my anxiety was through the roof I listened to some music and hugged my friend a bit. I was at this point shaking a bit. The next time I was called in was about 30 minutes later for a scan. That was the hardtest part of the whole thing with being weighed and finding out how many weeks, but then that was all said and done and we waited a bit longer. Then we went into a room with my friend and we spoke and she asked me ‘are you sure you want to do this’ I said yes then took the pill to kill it, I don’t regret it and if you have a issue with this please BLOCK me I was RAPED AND ITS MY BODY MY CHOICE! And I was given some more pills to make it come out like a mini labour we are not gonna talk about where they went……. But we headed back to my flat to grab our stuff I think we stayed there that night I don't 100% remember but yeah then we headed to the other flat I.... took the pills..... up my..... yeah.... you know.... yeahh..... My friend had a lecture and I kinda encouraged them to go but this was the most painful experience of my life this is gonna be grapic but im not going into much detail. But I was led in bed and my stomch felt like it had been sta

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

YASS QWEEN IT'S THE GAYS.

YASS QWEEN IT’S THE GAYS.

So you’ll be happy to know no trauma train *no choo choo :(*

This is going to be one of my more positive blog about how I figured out I a pansexual bean.

So I always knew from a young age I was a little bit different I think I’ve always been this way but only started showing it in school unsure what year exactly. But I had a girlfriend at the time. At this time I was also questioning my gender I thought hey I might be transgender I started to make changes. 

Sexuality and gender is a very hard thing to figure out I don’t think I have found myself my sexuality is definitely Pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity. Just in case as I know it’s not that common a lot of people may not know what it is so there) and my gender up until a few days ago was Non-binary (Non-binary, or genderqueer, is a spectrum of gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine‍) But I have started questioning whether I am demiboy (A demiguy, also called a demiboy, demiman or demimale person, is a gender identity describing someone who partially, but not wholly, identifies as a man, boy or otherwise masculine, regardless of their assigned gender at birth.) But oh well I’ll figure it out I have my whole life to .

In all of my relationships I have loved the person for who they are and their personality as I said I got distracted again but I started off thinking hey I’m gay I think I like the same gender only then I got into a relationship with a person the opposite gender  and realised hey I like this as well aaaaaaa. Then I realised after a while of meeting some lgbtq+ people that I am pansexual (no I don’t have sex with pans…usually) but yeah since the age of 14 I have identified with being pansexual and guess what I’m proud fuck anyone else who disagrees I am me. 

I’m very glad that in today’s society that it’s okay to be gay and pan and anything else it makes me feel happy I only started really accepting myself as this at the age of 18 I am pansexual and proud.Until this point I was painfully closed about who I was and it caused my mental health to decline with everything else going on.

You out there you lgbtq person without hope and no love because your family doesn’t love you for being gay it’s okay the whole lgbtq community loves and accepts you let us be your family it’s okay to love whoever you want. Being gay is okay and if you’re struggling with your sexuality as normal Dino got you with links below

Gender is another struggle I’m having a crisis with my gender at the moment I’ve been out as non-binary for about a year and now I’m like hey I might be more I think I’ve said this but I think I’m demiboy. Gender is a spectrum it isn’t that easy for some I mean some people it can be easy but others are left  confused and alone with their gender but you’re not alone so many people struggle with their identity.Gender has always been a issue foe me I was always a tomboy grew up around guys so  I was always around guys I just had them I grew up playing wrestling and take down bulldogs it was fun.But it wasn’t here ive had a right fight with my gender.Firstly in 2016 I thought I was transgender and my gf at the point was supportive then I relaised after being out as trans to her I wasn’t I was non binary and since the age of 17 ive been non binary I only told people I tustesd I evan got a flag when I came here but in the past year or so ive been like im non binary but inside I just am thinking are you gere have that feelng masculine.So here I am tonight at 12.17 and ive just decided I identify as demiboy  so my gender associates with non binary and male I only switch between male and nin binary.So this blog is more positive im nit going into the negatives of my jernoy to fins myself and my ex who outted me that’s another story foe another day yay enjouy.Anwyaw just for any lgbtq beans out there to feel less alone below is what one of my friends says about their sexuality..

Something from a queer friend of mine:

“I realised I wasn’t straight in year 8 (around age 12) when I realised I had a crush on my best friend at the time (we were both guys) At first I thought I was bi, and then as my mental health took a plunge I became numb and just decided to say I was asexual as a way of cutting people off. When I finally started to recover I realised I was getting turned on in the kitchen a lot (that’s a joke. I realised I was pan.) I was pretty comfortable with my pansexuality when I started experiencing dysphoria and questioning my gender, eventually coming across the character of Alex Fierro in the Magnus Chase books by Rick Riordan (if you want gay icons by the way, go check his books out! He is NOT just about Greek myths anymore. He’s about the gays too!). So, anyway, Alex Fierro is genderfluid, and honestly I can’t actually even remember what their biological sex is anymore. The character really resonated with me. I didn’t think I was trans because I didn’t get dysphoria all the time, and I didn’t think I was a guy either because I did get it sometimes. I went to an all-boy school and it was a very toxic, sexist, homophobic atmosphere, so I didn’t feel safe telling people about this stuff or trying to work it out. When I came across Alex Fierro I finally understood I was genderfluid and I felt like I belonged somewhere at last. I guess my point is… you be yourself. If you don’t like labels, then I’m happy you can feel safe in yourself without them. If you do like labels but don’t know which ones you belong to yet, that’s ok. Just because you’ve never heard of the label doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, and when you do find it, it’ll be like finding out you’re not the only person left in the world.”

 So basically lgbtq straight we don’t care as long as your happy with who you are and comfatible with who you are there is a lot of hate in the world but the world is slowily learning to love and accept evyone within the wold we are all different and we are AMAZING the way we are who cares if your gay pan bi trans attack helicopter lets  just love each other and no more hate no one desuves it. Never bully someone because of their gender sexuality race they are unique and human just like you !

 Stay strong and stay you beans!

 Helplines if you need it love you beans.

 Switch bored-https://switchboard.lgbt/

 The Trevor project- https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

Broken trust

Hello again welcome back to Dino’s blogs can I just say thank you all of you for supporting my blogs I appreciate it I try to lighten up the moment including the most dark moments I try to lighten up the moment. So the fun part trigger warnings there is suicide attempts, Self-harm and a MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING for sexual assault  I will warn you again before the mentions I just don't want anyone to get triggered I AM NOT HOLDING BACK on details as I'm tired of keeping this a secret.

Here we go this blog is probably the hardest one I've written to be honest it's taken a lot of courage it's a big thing to say 'I am a victim of sexual assault on several occasions', but here we go: 

 So I don't trust many people I didn't know how to for a while. I didn't know what love was until recently I didn't know what it was to be cared for until university. So why don't I trust people you ask… oh, you hear that *Choo Choo* oh look it's the trauma train gotta love the trauma train chugging throughout my head.

So yeah I have been sexually assaulted on four occasions by two guys one was at school and the first year at college and the second was two times in the first year on the university.

So this isn’t sexual assault or rape but in this there’s mentions of rape and bullying.

But I also had an encounter with this guy online who pretended to be a girl who was 14 and from my school and followed me on Instagram it was normal until I was revising looked at my phone and they had commented ‘I’m going to rape you and your family’ and ‘I will burn your house down with you in it’ so there you goooo *distant choo choo*. So I mentioned it to my classmates they mentioned it to my childcare teacher we will call her Brown she reported it to the police they came in and talked to me Brown said she’d come with me so she did she was lovely I miss her. I showed them the screenshots that I took before he deleted his account and his comments they said they will keep me updated later on that month they were coming in again as he’d been targeting other students this time Brown couldn’t make it so the school nurse came with me she’d been helping me a lot with my problems and we spoke again about it they tracked him back to India but they never pressed any charges they had to wait for Instagram to get back to press charges but they never did (FUNNNNN YAYYYY more trauma) so yeee that’s the time I was threatened.

Just another warning going to be talking more about sexual assault and rape here.

School as you know already was hard, but it wasn't until GCSEs in year 11 like a week before I sat my first  exam I had a friend at the time we will call him ‘Oliver’ he was my friend since year nine he waited until I was at the age of consent so 16 here (He was 17, so it's not like he was 40, but he was held back a year). So he invited me around his house to game and revise, so I took him up on it, of course, he was my friend at the time the day came around I was excited to be able to go to his and chill for a bit instead of being at home.

I got on the bus I was wearing jeans and a hoodie and of course a shirt (I told you this detail to show you clothing is NOTHING to do with what a rapist wants.) But yeah listened to music. He met me at the bus stop, and we went back to his (WE WAS NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP). I had been there for a few hours, and he closed the door and locked it he looked at me weirdly as he grabbed the remote out my hand I laughed "what you doing" he said nothing and just started kissing me I pulled away, but he just picked me up and put me on his bed he kept kissing me I told him to stop (his parents had gone out by the way).

He continued to until he forced my jeans off and took his pants and stuff off and continued to rape me I laid there I gave up trying to fight this off I stared at the ceiling trying to focus on other things besides what was happening. I remember watching a spider crawling around the ceiling wishing I was the spider (preferably being squished) and not the person being raped.

After he was done with me, he got up smiled at me and said 'I love you' I didn't respond. I had no emotion I felt numb in fact.

He looked at me and said 'If you ever tell anyone I will make your life hell' after this he opened his door and let me out I left the house shaking and got around the corner where he couldn't see me looked around no one was there I sat on the floor and cried and had a massive panic attack. I got the bus and went home.

Trigger warning for suicide attempts and self-harm

I sat on my bed with my plate of hot food steaming away, of course, I didn't eat it. I stared at it, thinking about the events of the day. I threw the food away said good night to my family came back in my room. I sat on the bed and cried I took a blade out and cut my wrists pretty badly I found some tablets and took an overdose as well as kept cutting to make the cuts deeper and worse in hope I’d bleed out and die a lot of the cuts scarred, and I can still see today. I fell asleep on the bed holding the blade, and I woke up and cried at the fact that I didn't die in my sleep. Looking back now I’m glad I didn’t die in my sleep cuz this way I got to feel love and trust and be cared for and all that.

The next day I acted like nothing happened went into school. No one noticed anything was wrong. I didn't ever tell anyone about this until I met people I trusted in university. After this incident, I stopped talking to him. He still continued to follow me around the school then I started spending time down learning support where teachers used to be.

So there school was said and done in a few months I didn't see this shithead for a few months (yes a few months... fun)

So I did exams, and that was fun then the joy of the first year of college happened. Oliver was also in the college I was in and I didn't know until I spotted him and unfortunately, he spotted me after that he decided he wanted to follow me around the college so when I could I’d stay in the classroom or the bathroom.

So another fun joyful trigger warning here…

It was the morning I was walking to college, and I didn't realise he’d spotted me while he was on the bus it drove past me, and he got off in town, and by this point, he had realised I wasn't interested but guess what that didn't stop him...yay (to be honest I don't think anything will stop a rapist who knows exactly what they are doing. They don't give a shit about you will fuck anything that moves...sorry).

He proceeded to follow me, so I tried to lose him it didn't work he caught up when I thought I’d lost him I was in the woods (hey I thought I’d lose him in the woods it was stupid I know) he pushed me to the ground and raped me again this time I focused on the birds they trigger me even today I tried to fight it off, but every time I tried to do something he would say 'shhh' or smack me around the face, so I gave up and again focused on something else like the sound of the birds.

After he was done he kissed me and said exactly the same thing he had said the first time about hurting me if I told anyone so I didn’t I was scared shitless. I went into college again felt numb I went to the bathroom and had a backup blade on me in case urges got back and I cut myself again wasn’t an attempt to kill myself yet (that fun will come later) I went into my lesson didn’t concentrate much I had tutoring maths she noticed something was wrong I just told her I was tired (indeed tired of living…and the trauma over my shoulder) I got through the day and stayed in the classroom until like 5pm I finished at 3pm but I was scared shitless. I walked home in constant fear of being raped again I got home sat on my bed and cried a lot tried to kill myself again this time was overdose then went to a multi-storey where I was gonna jump but people on a server I was on on discord talked me out of it I went home got shouted at for going out fun.

So those nightmares and traumas and flashbacks never stopped I still have them now thankfully I moved college after this met some good people but I never knew how to trust people with stuff as the one person I trusted in school raped me it’s like when he raped me the rest of the happiness that was left over from me was sucked out of me and I was left a shadow of myself a shadow of darkness and depression and suicidal thoughts and cutting my pain away.

So in 3rd year of college there was this stalker I spoke about in the anxiety blog but what I didn’t mention is the time he tried to sexually assault me he pulled me into a driveway and started trying to rape me and brushed his hand on my crotch I walked away and went into a supermarket and hid for a while when I got courage I went home. Thankfully he didn’t go too far as I didn’t give him chance to.

So yeah college I got semi better and started to gain trust of a small handful of people when I came to university I realised people can be good so I started to trust people again and realise what friendship really was. I began coming out of my shell a bit more talking to people I managed to make friends not many but I was happy with what I had.

I trusted people for once in my life since the first rape but this wasn’t for long *choo choo* yes you’re right trauma time yay. So I met this guy ‘Aiden’ he was weird at the start. He kept pressuring to come over to mine I gave in my flatmate said she’d stay with me with her mate but she left me after a while with her mate I begged her not to leave but she did left me with him the monster who took my trust again. (We also now refer to that “friend” as Rebitcha instead of Rebecca).

I was in the common room of accommodation we was sitting on the sofa chatting and I went to the bathroom it was a disabled one both doors locked and I forgot to lock the other one. I locked one but I went to the bathroom and washed my hands (cuz I’m not a detty pig sex ed reference) and unlocked the door to see him stood there waiting for me he then said he had feelings for me I said I don’t feel the same about you sorry. He said ‘I don’t care’ grabbed me by the chest on my jumper pushed me against the wall and kissed me I told him to stop please. He continued to rip my trousers off and rape me in the bathroom I had nothing to focus on this time so I closed my eyes and wished it would end wished Rebitcha never left me here with the monster who had no remorse he had no feeling afterwards he got up dragged me off the ground said get changed threw me back into the other part of the bathroom and closed the door and he then left the common room I came out crying and shaking. I saw he had gone (the fact that he got an uber to get here means this rapist took effort to get to me cuz he knew I was weak and not that strong physically so couldn’t fight him off).

A lot of the details here are missing and fuzzy because my protector alter Cody took over and we sort of shared this carriage of the trauma train so neither of us really remembers all of exactly what happened.

After this came the creepy messages on snapchat where he’d say things like “maths then fuck” he would try so so hard to get me out of the classroom alone so he could do it again. He was addicted to being a dickhead. He wouldn’t stop then in winter once I was walking home from uni I spotted him and got faster back then I didn’t  have anyone to walk with back in winter in the uk it gets dark at like 4pm so my lesson finished at 5 he was there and decided ‘Hey here have another fuck ton of trauma’ *choo choooooo* and he basically did the same but outdoors near the university in a hidden area so no one could see he had his hand over my  mouth so my screams were just muffled moans and you know he’s a fucked up creep cuz he enjoyed it in fact that probably made him horny I dislike this guy.

At this point I was tired of the trauma of keeping it all inside I told my friend he was there for me I was terrified to talk about it as he wasn’t in my university we both thought it would be a good idea to tell this person we will call her Alex the Snake (you’ll see why later) so we did she was “supportive” but was pushy for me to go to the police she’d constantly bother my mates and me and come over just so she can force me to go my flatmate knew it all it was Rebitcha again who had abandoned me in the common room with him. One night I remember this a lot they came over to force me to tell the police I was suicidal that night and they all left me and went to sit in Rebitcha’s room while I was alone YOU KNOW WHAT THEY FUCKING DID they stabbed me in the back saying how I probably made it up and shit meanwhile I was in my room talking to my friend on a call he was trying to talk me out of suicide we was on call when I fell asleep as I was a danger to myself I put their bags and shit outside the door and locked it I was done with them. I fell asleep and woke up it was 2am and they had just gone you know where they went yeah the fucking police station AFTER I HAD SAID I DON’T WANT TO GO they went on their own. I messaged the group chat and asked they LIED AGAIN and said they’d gone to McDonalds.

After this night I didn’t trust anyone really I didn’t know how to trust them anymore they had broken my trust so much it was like a mirror had been smashed on the floor and the bits all over the floor.

This snake continued to go behind my back with my flatmate go out together all just to bitch about me the snake only wanted to get gossip about me from my flatmate and she did was a bitch about me I went to these people who helped I had some help from them. The university did fuck all only one of my flatmates was supportive she’s my best mate now she’s been there I never really talked to her about this I am still very very traumatised by this and still don’t trust people very well.

The snake stopped me going to the thing I enjoyed the most the thing that took my mind off of the rape I stopped going to musical theatre in fear she’d come up to me and talk about it even though I’d asked her thousands of times not to bring it up I will never EVER forgive her for what she did in a way she fucked me up almost as much as the rapist did. It sucks being raped I can’t explain how it feels you feel like it is your fault the guilt consumes you so much it’s like a vulture waiting for the animal to die but stalking it until it dies the trauma being the vulture. The Snake continued to torment me with trauma asking about it all the time like how it happened she didn’t believe me.

You the reader here can believe me when I say all of this or don’t. Simple. It happened and I’m the only person who knows 100% it happened because I was on the receiving end of the sexual assault other people were not. But I don’t care what others say I know what happened I was the one person there like I just said the trauma train spent a lot of time at the sexual assault stop. But being sexually assaulted makes me who I am today I wish it didn’t happen because I still am severely traumatised and have nightmares but I’m getting there slowly I find talking really helps me this helps it’s been so hard to write for me taken 2 times longer than another blog but it’s a very hard thing to talk about.

But being sexually assaulted isn’t that rare sadly it happens to a lot of people.

Whatever race sex sexuality whether you’re wearing a space suit or just a swimsuit you can be a victim of sexual assault please please don't keep it to yourself please talk to someone because this is such a stigma. Yes sexual assault is still a stigma you know fuck it men can BE RAPED TOO it’s not just woman okay men speak out its okay to not be okay you can cry. You know boys DO cry. Even with women its hard speak up you feel like no one will believe you feel like a failure because it happened to you but it isn’t your fault nothing is your fault you can’t help that some people can’t keep their dick in their pants or their tits in their shirt. SO DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF if you are a victim of rape or abuser physical, mental, sexual, financial and medical abuse (Gypsy rose who.)

None of it is your fault it’s the abuser they need serious help if you abuse someone and abuse them in any way do me a favour fuck off unfriend me and block me please. I don’t want abusers in my life. But if you’re a victim I have put some helplines alongside my email please email me if you need me it WILL stay between us unless I think you’re going to kill yourself because I care about you please don’t kill yourself I care and don’t want anyone dead except maybe rapists hmm... *sharpens knife*

Being raped really messes with your mental health and the way you feel like you can’t turn to anyone being abused is like you’re thrown to the beast and it tears you apart into pieces and enjoys every moment then it moves on to its next victim in the distance *choo choo* The trauma train following closely behind.

I have put some links below that might help you I have also put my email below please don’t hesitate to message me anytime you need to talk I’ll keep it private and between us and us only anyways I’ve said that #ADHD. But I’m recovering still from this trauma one day I will get through it I now know how to trust people again.

And you will too.

Stay strong my blogger beans.

Love Dino the Dyslexic Blogger xx

 My email: dinothedyslexicblogger@gmail.com

 This morning-https://www.itv.com/thismorning/articles/rape-helplines

 Rape crisis-https://rapecrisis.org.uk/

 Mind-https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/sexual-abuse/

 Nhs-https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

 Supportline-https://www.supportline.org.uk/problems/rape-and-sexual-assault/

 Metroplitaion police they have some helpful rescources-https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/rsa/rape-and-sexual-assault/support-for-victims-of-rape-and-sexual-assault/

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

Do you hear that *Choo choo"* ITS THE TRUMA train read my blogs to get the reference.

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

My new pfp :D hope you like it.

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

Me Myself and i....Oh and the rest. 13/06/20

There are multiple of me. 

So the title might confuse some no one still really knows about this condition but I have DID or Dissociative identity disorder I have four alternative personalities which all represent a part of my life its hard having DID especially when one of your alters is a two-year-old.

There are some trigger warnings towards self-harm suicidal mentions eating disorder mentions, with a side of abuse mentions ooh and also sprinkle of sexual assault. WOOHOO, that sounds like a fun one a walk in the park.. .ohh there might be ducks...ill get some bread...

Having DID is weird when you can zone out, and one of your alters can take control over everything you do and say you can zone out in the kitchen and zone back in and you could have destroyed a whole city and blew the world up and be butt naked in front of thousands of people (that was a good afternoon).

I am joking for disclaimer usage.

But there you go I said it I have DID. I haven't wanted to admit it, but I have currently four alternative personalities so five people in me head 

I will talk about the alters and what they represent I will talk about them and use images that my friend drew of them he is the only one that knows.

I have Stripe, Blue, Cody and Eliza they all live in my head and like… (SENTENCE BEGAN DRUNK, MAYBE FINISH LATER?)

Stripe

He represents my depression and suicidal thoughts. He will very often take over and cut me. It's horrible I can be doing a normal thing and then boom he takes over he is a lot like me, but he looks like a demon his red glowing eyes are staring at me right now I wish he'd fuck off. He and Eliza are both bad alters that try to hurt and kill me multiple times. Stripe has taken over and gone on walkies and self-harmed he talks to me most the day lingering over my shoulder telling me I'm better off dead and he is the reason for all of my impulses. It's hard having DID I've said that thousands of times now but it is, okay? I hate it. I wish I never had it. He makes a good impression of me. He's a demon who can fly.

One time he took overtook one of my knives and cut my arm, my friend walked in and stopped it, he tried to walk away from it like nothing had happened. Still, he didn't get away with it as my friend took it away and hugged me until I retook control he's been a part of me for years now I don't remember exactly when I developed my DID, but I think it must have been since I was about 16 so there you go. Four years.

A lot of the time his high pitched squeal penetrates my ears with his whispers of 'you're not good enough' and 'your friends hate you' his claws dig deeper onto my shoulder and grips me harder every time I don't listen to him, and all I'm left with is the shadow of the sheer guilt taking over my whole life.

He looks like a demon he has a stripe all down the middle of his body, and his eyes sometimes glow in the night he says a lot of stuff things he knows will hurt me. He has horns on his head and is constantly trying to get me to cut myself and convince me that I need to feel the relief and pain while the blade kisses my skin and slices my wrists up. He stops me doing things I enjoy like, for example, musical theatre there was this person there who was a snake. He always said she's going to do it again you're going to be sexually assaulted again if you go outside.

I asked what the person that knows about this and what they said it is like when Stripe takes over:

"When Stripe takes over, it's very creepy. I can look in the eyes of my best friend, someone I love, and it's not them in that head. It's someone… something else. Stripe usually tries to pretend to be Dino, but he never expresses any emotion except hate, which is how I know its not my Dino in there. He never says stuff like "love you" or even "I'm alright". He's a dickhead basically."

Eliza

She's a lot like Stripe, but she represents my eating disorders she also doesn't like it when I'm happy she's around a lot when my eating disorders are present she's a skinny demon her ribs are present like she wants me to be she dislikes people who like me and she doesn't think I deserve my friends or my food she's not a good alter and she works with Stripe they work closely together and try to take me down, so I drown in a massive wave of depression and suicide unable to breathe under the weight of living and the weight of my shitty past. So again, all I want to feel is the sweet relief of the pain that they make me think I deserve.

Eliza only recently came back as taking over, so the person does not know anything about her really has never experienced her first hand.

I realized at this point of the blog that I can't add pictures to blogger or tumbler so funnn I'll add my YouTube channel where I will post pictures of them there.

Another update as I'm editing I will upload it when I have a chance.

Cody

He is the protector of my alters he comes out to protect me he's kind caring he took over when terrible events happened in my life he represents my creative side he is also my anxiety the part of me that feels anxious. He doesn't do what Stripe does and make me anxious, but he is forced to feel anxious. He takes over a lot when I'm doing coding or feel very anxious that it's overwhelming. He's friendly and looks after my other alter a lot Blue who is two.

He has only recently come back he was a part of my life in college but when Stripe came in Stripe killed a lot of my alters, and he was the only one left hence why I fell into a deep depression at that point, and Cody went.

Cody enjoys coding drawing music I gave up drawing as I believed I was shit I still do but oh well when Cody takes over that doesn't matter so drawing it is then. He takes over when he feels I'm in pain mentally, or in danger from myself, he cares a lot about me and others.

Cody is again a demon but a nice one, of course, he always is listening to music or drawing or wrestling a two year old oops. Still, he has made friends with a lot of my friends without them knowing his voice is slightly different to mine. He is anxious but very chill at the same time he has never hurt me or anyone he took over when the most traumatizing events have happened to me to save the wrath of the trauma train crashing as there was an overwhelming amount of trauma. Hence, he took some of the wrath for me to save destruction. So in a way, me and Cody share the same trauma, and we can relate even though he's in my head.

It's quite funny sometimes I forget people cannot see them so ill say to my friend 'hey look over there at one of my alters, and they have to remind me that he's not really well to them but are in my head they feel so real.

Here is what my friend said about Cody…….

"Cody is a really cool friend. When we are texting, he usually lets me know if it's him, and in-person he has a slightly different, more chilled-out voice than Dino, even when he is anxious. He also has a cool necklace on a leather cord that Dino never wears, but Cody likes to put on when he takes over. He always calls me "bro" and he's just a really nice wholesome guy, a lot like Dino to be fair, but they're very clearly different people."

                              Blue

Okay so here we go blue is a two year a lot alter shes hyperactive and energetic she is called blue because when she first started to emerge, I used to just laugh and be unable to talk or anything so being a computer nerd, I named her blue after the Blue screen of death every ICT students nightmare…*shivers*

So yeah that's how she got her name, and oh yea did I mention she can set things on fire… well yeah, she can she sets Stripe on fire a lot shes scared of him, but sometimes she gets the courage and will not hesitate to set him on fire…and her attention span oh looks a tree where was  I forgot? Oh yeah, attention span she doesn't have one. I think she's incapable of having one she is very close to my friend and also Cody my other alter I talked about him above unless you lazy bugger have skipped down to this bit then you don't know but find out read above.

But yeah that's blue.

Here is what my friend said about Blue….

"Blue is ADHD as in she is the personification of ADHD. She's a really cute little two-year-old, but she doesn't have any concept of consequences for her actions, and no impulse control so she can be tricky to manage, especially when she's excited. We recently got her a pacifier to suck on and she always tries to get it as soon as she's in control. She's also obsessed with balls, so we got her a big, yellow bouncy ball too. Me and Dino spent hours building a fort once, which Blue managed to completely demolish in about five seconds. Her response was to say "oops" laugh her ass off, and then giggle "bye-bye" with a massive, very proud grin, and collapse, leaving Dino to wake up and be very, very confused about what the fuck was going on. As difficult as she can be to manage (she's a two-year-old with the strength of a twenty-year-old, it's a fight to keep her from tearing the building apart) she is a really, wholesome, and adorable little kid. I love Blue very, very much, and she actually calls me "Dada" which is pretty cute."

So there you go my alters. Welcome to my brain there are five people in my head including me it gets crowded sometimes and annoying when you're trying to rest, and all you can hear is a two year a lot screaming ball every 5 seconds, but they are apart of me, and I would not change them for the world well maybe stipe and Eliza but at the same time they make me who I am today they are me in my head they are my personality.

DID is a strange mental illness to have its strange to have five people in my head anytime another could emerge I used to have more but Stripe killed them I had Rosie and mae. Rosie was like blue and mae was like Cody, but they aren't there anymore who knows they might be hiding like Cody did I kind of hope so I miss mae she was based off of a character out of a night in the woods I do miss her but oh well.

So there you go another blog of reasons I should be institutionalized  because I am a danger to myself and could kill myself at any given moment.

Disclaimer that's a kinda joke…… mostly ……90%......... Nah……….99%... #Mentally unstable...fun.

Stay strong you bootiful bean.

Love you 

Dino the Dyslexic Blogger xxx

 Some helpline as usual for DID

Nhs https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dissociative-disorders/

This morning (I know I know but it looks helpful… don’t judge me) https://www.itv.com/thismorning/dissociative-disorders-helplines

Mind- https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/dissociative-disorders/

Survivors network https://survivorsnetwork.org.uk/resource/dissociative-identity-disorder-d-i-d/

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

who I copd wif dislexiya.

So I know the title is spelt wrong some of my awful humour hehe. But here you go my experience with having learning difficulties and how it affected me, My mental health and my work.

 So as you know I am dyslexic, it took me a lot of courage to make some blogs due to anxiety over spelling. I have an official diagnosis of dyslexia dyspraxia and Dyscalculia. Isn't it funny how all of those are spelt strangely hard for a dyslexic to wright and spell right? Haha yes, it sucks. In fact, I am probably only getting this right because of autocorrect love it. But fun fact I was never officially diagnosed in January of 2020 so all 20 years if my life no one has really supported me in this I knew I struggled with it a lot. No one at my school helped me with it whatsoever. I remember always being told to 'try harder' or 'you're not trying'. I always thought I was lazy or stupid back in primary school my handwriting was awful that was a big problem in my home life my parents and grandparents always told me off for this I a a lot of shit for it I couldn't help it my dyspraxia meant it took me longer to write less like a doctor I still do wright as bad as a doctor probably worse I don't know if a doctor could even read it, I can't half the time. One of the earliest memory's with writing, and handwritten stuff is in year 2 I had homework and my mum and dad kept making me re wright stuff over and over and over again until I got it right it really had a massive effect on my self-esteem and confidence I cried a lot I got it right in the end, But my family I didn't understand I am very surprised that my primary School never picked up on my dyslexic and other issues they didn't help me the only thing they ever did was move me down to year 4 when I was in year 6 for maths cuz I was shit Secondary wasn't much better they only gave me a year or two of English support which did help but not much I was told by them I might be dyslexic but wasn't diagnosed with it which is another very stupid thing. They should have how they didn't pick up on my dyspraxia and Dyscalculia I don't know probably cuz my school was shit and didn't actually care about the students within it well the learning support I got for a few years was amazing she was the most lovely tutor I had it was sad when she left, and I had no further assistance this had a massive effect on me being in the bottom set for every lesson I hated it I was with all the kids who bullied me all the kids who rather sit there take the piss out of anyone who was different and bully them rather than learning. Being dyslexic I needed to concentrate on things, and I only ever wanted to do well in school of course because I wanted to learn this was wrong and that's why I got bullied so much the whole bottom set used to make me feel like shit my mate at the time was in the top set and would go on and on about the grades (because I'm a dinosaur I used a,b and c grading, in fact, one of the last years to use the normal system) and id be getting shit grades, I wasn't getting help for my learning problems. Also I asked her for help with the bullying, and she said she didn't want to get involved not even to talk to her about it, that was an excellent friend so glad we don't talk anymore(Bitch.)

 I had little confidence in myself at this point in the year I wasn't smart like my friends, it took me longer to do stuff, so I'm stupid that's what I I always assumed my parents were constantly having a go at me for not doing well in anything I wasn't doing well in sports or academically due to my difficulties, it was tough for me to fit in no one understood.

 You know what I used to and still kinda annoys me I feel shit for admitting it when people moan about getting like A's and Cs because I could never get up to that standard and people would complain if they got a c, it would hurt me because I couldn't do it. Once I was sat with my friends, they as on about maths saying how there annoyed they got a high c grade. There was I sat there still with no math GCSE with in fact a shitty f thinking oh wow lucky you got a c.

 But that sucked anyways got off-topic so back on topic now sorry about that I don't even remember what I was talking about. #dyslexic moment or it could be my dementia is kicking in. (This part was written by a drunk dino, but I'm keeping it in because why the fuck not.)

 The first year of college wasn't too bad it was games design on the computer so didn't actually I have to do much with words. The college didn't know about my disability probably thought I was stupid like I did I still do believe this. Yet, afte the proper diagnosis of my disability, it was better I accept it a lot more than before. Nevertheless, the college was rough until the end where they were like" oh yeah by the way you will never get far without your maths there is no point you being on this course, So we decided to be shitheads and waste a year, oh. Here you go have more trauma and depression byeeeee" so long story short (you've heard this many many times sorry.)

 I moved and did software engineering in another college(For 2 years) they also didn't realise I was dyslexic. This was still having a massive effect on my mental state, I was 18 and id be told all my life I was lazy and wasn't trying hard enough, so it would make me feel bad. I realised I mentioned my Dyslexia a lot and mot my other ones but oh well.

 Towards the end of my college this tutor, I had come up to me. I said he'd read my assignment it was good. Still, he asked in the most delightful way possible if I was dyslexic as his daughter has it. My written work was much like hers. He got me some help. Sadly this was around the time my mental state got unbearable to attend anymore, so I do still thank that

guy.

 Coming to university is something I never thought id do I I always thought my maths work was too shit. I wasn't very confident in getting into uni, but oh well that was me being all negative and having a fuck ton of shit wrong with me. Once I got into this university, I was happy first thing I did in the week was getting a full-on diagnostic of my learning difficulties. As I was fed up of living under the shadows of your not good enough or stuff like this and you're not trying. Also fun fact I have a mental health mentor for my depression and she used to claim that I was lazy and wasn't dyslexic so that was a lot of fun yay... So September I got a appoint for January the wait then I had that and was fully diagnosed with Dyslexia dyspraxia and Dyscalculia. Also doing musical theatre really helped me with my dyspraxia. I never told anyone I was there, but it helped me a lot with my coordination.

 For those who don't know what these are you probably know dyslexia but the other two maybe I'm assuming okay (digs hole deeper) imma shut and explain before I dig more of a hole.

 Anyways for Dyslexia the definition is "Dyslexia is a learning disorder that involves difficulty reading due to problems identifying speech sounds and learning how they relate to letters and words (decoding). Also called reading disability, Dyslexia affects areas of the brain that process language."

 Dyscuaulia on google is explained as "Dyscalculia is a math learning disability that impairs an individual's ability to represent and process numerical magnitude in a typical way. Dyscalculia is sometimes called "number dyslexia" or "math dyslexia." Dyspraxoca is on google is explained as" Developmental coordination disorder (DCD), also known as dyspraxia, is a condition affecting physical coordination. It causes a child to perform less well than expected in daily activities for their age, and appear to move clumsily.

    Of course, this is only what google says each person is different and with different symptoms and mild or bad. For example, the guy who interviewed (is it an interview probably not but oh well ) said he was very surprised that no one had picked up on it as my Dyslexia was very bad so was the rest he was very annoyed at all of my schools and colleges so am I if they would have picked upon it I wouldn't have struggled so much and wouldn't be so hard on myself with the fact that I can't write or read. It was a rough upbringing with my parents are always putting pressure on me to achieve when I simply can't do it.

 I can't read well or write well it was a very very rough system I still haven't fully accept myself I still don't ask anyone to read my blogs proofread because I don't feel comfortable to do so, I would like to, but they have more important things to do rather than read through

my shitty ass writing.

 So there you go another blog that's way longer than it should be. Still, these blogs take a lot of effort it goes from word to grammer.ly to word so it can read it to me then back into Grammarly its a long process but here is the blog about me. There are a lot of famous people with these difficulties a lot more than you realise google it it's interesting and made me feel less alone it's more common than you think my therapist is dyslexic its awesome meeting fellow dyslexics or Dyscalculia or dyspraxias.

 I also added some links below for helpful resources for dyslexia dyscalculia and dyspraxia.

 Dyslexia

 https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dyslexia/living-with/

 https://www.nessy.com/uk/teachers/essential-teaching-tips-dyslexia/

dyspraxia

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/developmental-coordination-disorder-dyspraxia-in-adults/

 https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/dyspraxia-adults/

 dyscalculia

https://www.readandspell.com/dyscalculia-in-adults

 https://safespot.org.uk/safespotopedia/dyslexia-dyscalculia/

 Love Dino the Dyslexic

Blogger xx

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

Fear 06/06/20

So I've talked about many things in my recent bogs bit have not spoken about the limitations that come with having anxiety. This, as per usual had a trigger warning for self-harm anxiety, sexual assault and also suicide mentions, oh and stalking if that's a trigger (funnnn yayyyy).

In the past, I have let my anxiety take over my life in certain parts as a child I was timid. I hated talking to others and struggled to ask for help in class. I was mostly alone and hated most the attention on me so, therefore, I didn't like my birthday because this was always all on me.

My anxiety started to get really bad in year 7 when I started the shithole school I was at, it tore my mental health apart and threw the bits in the air as they celebrated the victory of taking my life over. I thought being shy was just me being nervous. I enjoyed drama a lot I used to do productions outside of school. As soon as it hit GCSE, I did take drama I never regretted it my teacher was very helpful when it came to anxiety and stuff so she would let me do my performances in front of her. One of my friends would do the lighting and encourage me. It helped to have that connection with her that she'd look out for me.

Once college started, I gave up participating in performances. My Anxiety and panic attacks took over me. It was like a wave had suddenly hit me. I was stuck under a stream of anxiety, panic attacks and other mental illnesses. I could barely breathe its what anxiety felt like my panic attacks were very regular id have at least 5 a day just thinking about going outside because people will look at me and judge me it didn't help alongside this I had a lot of stuff to deal with my home life, My self harm my depression and other lovely wonderful traumas.

So after school, I gave up the thing I loved the most drama I used to love being able to be someone else for that hour and forget the problems I used to love the feeling of thinking of a drama piece and being able to script it and performed I loved it.

As soon as college, my anxiety as I have said already got very bad unbearable it began to be bad at the end of school. Still, I continued in drama my panic attacks were bad though before any drama lesson id go into the bathroom have a panic attack self-harm and go in with a smile like nothing had just happed my friend at the time also got anxious about performing wed help each other out with it.

Throughout college, I lost this interest in drama the thought of performing made me feel sick even going to college was enough to trigger a panic attack and Id have multiple in the daytime college first year wasn't a pleasant experience in college was the 2nd time id been sexually assaulted by the same person the college never helped it was traumatising it was on one of the days I had math tutoring my tutor was lovely. She was worried about me this whole experience knocked my anxiety far back and took the person I used to be I was a shadow of myself I still am working on getting that light again,And getting who I used to be back. I'm not going into the assault, but I will do in another blog.

 I will say as much as I hated the job sometimes it helped me a bit with my anxiety as I serve people ice cream, so I have to socialise this did help me massively.

Second-year came around the first day I went to induction was hard as by my previous college I was told id never get far. I wouldn't be able to achieve, so they offered me to do my GCSEs again. I had passed English, and the way that college treated me made me feel was awful. So I moved the morning of induction day I felt sick as frick. It wasn't pleasant. I   had few panic attacks in the quiet corner of the bus and went in it turned to out to be a good day.

I had applied for a course in level 2., but the guy I talked to said I had enough grades to get into level 3 so it was good.

I  got into level three, My anxiety was still terrible. I barely spoke to anyone in the first week or so.

I would wait until the tutor let us go and id practically run out the classroom to either the library or home depending on whether it was hometime or not I was too anxious to socialise with anyone I was like this all the time.

I never asked for help when I needed it having my learning difficulties really affected this as well, I struggled with my written work and maths but was too anxious to ask for help, and I was dyspraxic as fuck.

The third year in college was very hard as all of my friends had moved on and moved off of college or different courses. I struggled with my anxiety massively. After all of my issues, I was back in therapy and finally diagnosed with  Major depression, social anxiety disorder and generalised anxiety disorder which I was given medication for. Still, they ended up triggering a lot of panic attacks at the start but began to help after a while.

 I hid away a lot when I wasn't at college, in fact, my anxiety got so bad that in march of 2019 I gave college up didn't go to college whatsoever my anxiety had got me into a vicious circle of not going in and then getting too anxious to go back into college. So I gave up luckily, my college was still able to give me a qualification they took into account my awful mental state.

My mum has never been the nicest to me, so she didn't know when I was at college I was actually at my mate's house I couldn't face telling them I had a bad panic attack every time I thought about it so they would meet me every morning and id go to their house for the day then come back home after and act like it was college.

Around this time was the time I had an issue with a stalker he was on the bus one day and asked where a particular stop was so I being a good bean I told him, it happened to be the same one as me. That was that reasonable right? Yes, but it wasn't after some time he'd wait for me at the bus stop and 'walk with me' aka stalk me home I was clever though and went to a completely different area and said that was my house and waited till he fucked off. Then id go back I would get into shit for being late home my parents were assholes about it I didn't tell them about all of this.

This went on for about a month, and then I told my friend he encouraged me to call the police. So I did he was there for it he helped me through it. They gave me a lot of support throughout all of this, which set my anxiety off very severely, but they understood my situation.

One evening I was in my room heard a knock at the door my dad got it and called me I came down the stairs and my heart sunk it was the police, I felt so sick in my throat. And I sheepishly walked down the stairs and into the front room. They came to have a chat about all of this, and they were lovely police officers and was very understanding. I think they could see how anxious I was.

After this, I went back upstairs after trying to fight off a panic attack for the whole meeting thingy if you can call it that in the living room. I got upstairs, and my mum shouted for me. I got yelled at for having a stalker, yes I got punished because some dude decided 'hey imma stalk you now give you lifelong trauma' it's not like I was like 'HEY STALK ME' It was rough I went back into my room cut and had a panic attack and cried myself to sleep. You know that feeling when you're in your room trying not to cry too loud holding your hand on your mouth trying not to let anyone hear you well that was what it was like that night. I fell asleep with a blade in my hand crying wishing i wasn't born.

Ever since that I haven't gotten off at the stop in the centre, I always get off early I'm too scared to do otherwise and get off in the usual place.

Summer was hard for my anxiety especially with university coming closer and closer, and I didn't know what was going on with it this was making me more and more anxious my home situation wasn't too great either.

 I wanted to get out of my home. Still, I didn't know what was happening with it once I found out where I was going I didn't have time to think about it as that week I had to apply for accommodation then that weekend I was moving in the next day freshers week began. I was anxious and too scared to trust people being in a flat was hard. Still, I met some pretty amazing people in this I would not change this for anything if the other university asked me  I would turn it down anyway because I'm happy with where I am.

I feel like university has changed me yes I was very very anxious at the start and have had ups and downs with it with my mental health the trauma train making a lot of stops in my head. With the downs, I have met many amazing people. I have even gotten back into drama with doing musical theatre yes I did stop it for a bit, but that was when shit hit the fan again. My medication started up again. I loved musical theatre it helped me with my anxiety a lot. I met lots and lots of lovely human beings there. They are like a family even though I wasn't noticed much I was always quiet and to myself so I don't think I really made an impact on anyone there. Still, oh well they helped me a lot.

 But there you go another blog of Dino chats shit gets distracted goes off-topic went back onto topic and written over one thousand words. Fun.

But thank you all for reading my shitty blogs more about me complaining about how rough life can be and how shit things are. Still, they do get better I promise you this is probably the shittest blog I've done as I've kinda slightly rushed it I wanted to get it up for yall as I've been saying for ages ill upload (Not that anyone actually follows my blogs oof)But I did it anyway 

But as i usually do anxiety affects, everyone, even if you're not professionally diagnosed with it everyone gets anxiety and its okay to feel anxious don't beat yourself up for it or even hate yourself for being anxious it's alright I'm here if anyone needs me you can message me anytime love ya.

As I usually do  Here are some helplines if you are struggling with anxiety and panic or/and anxiety attacks thank you all again stay strong my human beans thanks for reading another shitty blog that is longer than it should be as I said I'm always here. If you need me inbox me (on Tumblr) or message me on anything I'm here still will be I care about you, YES YOU the person who read all of my blogs or skipped to the end if so I don't blame you, but I care, love, ya.

Here you go :

NHS Anxiety:https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/understanding-panic/

NHS mental health support: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/

Young minds on anxiety: https://youngminds.org.uk/find-help/conditions/anxiety/

Love

Dino the dyslexic blogger xx

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

Update I will upload my next blog shortly just taking a break for my mental health

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

Thinner

Firstly wow just wow 2 blogs in 1 week that's an achievement(don't get used to it ill actually crack on with university stuff soon oops) thank you guys for all of the support I appreciate it. 

Anyways this one trigger warnings for eating disorders. Just be aware of this. 

    So this blog is going to be based off of my experience with my eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) I've struggled with my body shape since I was about 8 when I was bullied by a kid in my street he used to call me an elephant he was my friend growing up, but he just woke up one day decided "hey actually I hate you and I'm going to torment you now add to your home life struggles so there you go, Enjoy the trauma!". I've always believed it that I was fat then anorexia came into my life to torment me from then on.( I wish I could have  told it to fuck off its an unwanted guest begone beast).  

  In the last blog, I mentioned about the bullying at school that also took effect on the way I looked at myself. 

I've never liked my body shape many times I look into the mirror see my ugly fat body and think of how disgusting I am and how I am overweight. I also think about how my friends are all thinner and look better than me and how beautiful all of them are then there is me with my fat and scarred body. 

  Every time I sit at the table and have an internal battle with myself. Anorexia looks over my me its boney fingers grip my solder. It growls in my ear "Your fat you don't deserve to eat have you seen yourself?" and" your friends are so much thinner than you do you really feel hungry? You can just not eat" and other stuff related to this you get the picture. The worst thing about all of this is I believe every word most the time. 

    Eating disorders are fucking horrific, and I've never had any professional help for it (was trying before lockdown with first steps but oh well going to try when the university is back into the swing again hopefully .)  

     I feel like I don't deserve to say I have eating disorders as I'm not skinny really so how can I?  

I say to myself a lot of the time that I'm too fat to have one because you can't see my ribs or anything, but this is not the case anyone with any body shape can have an eating disorder it doesn't have a name it doesn't choose its victims like 'oh that one's overweight let's not torment them for the rest of their lives. But on the other hand that one looks like they would have an eating disorder lets do it!'  

  The problem is the media makes the models on display like an object they always look sickly thin (some of them probably are minutes away from a hospital bed). It makes everyone feel shit about their body I mean, why do we need to fit in with individual lifestyles with thin bodies.  

  You can't be perfect in society these days no one can be it impossible in society's eyes anyway. There is a quote about perfection in the description of a song I like 'You are beautiful because your eyes are different sizes and your lisp gets in between your tongue and teeth every time you try to say "something". You are beautiful because the scar under your chin looks like a spider and because you have a massive fear of heights. You are beautiful because there has never been, nor will there ever be anyone else on this Earth like you. Because your flaws are like fingerprints and should be embraced just like the free will that resides inside. You are not beautiful because of the symmetry in the little squares on your telephone, you are beautiful because "you" are the only "you" this place will ever know.' 

This quote hit close to home its a lovely song called am I pretty by the Maine. 

  Anyways I got sidetracked(oops I do this a lot ) so continued, My eating disorder took over my whole life I was addicted to the feel of being hungry it felt good for a long while. I felt like if I got through a day with no food, it was a good day I would celebrate to myself I could quickly get away with it as my family. I never sat together to eat . I would be in my room, and I had a bin, so id throw it in that bin and take it out the next day. In the day I could get away with it as I was at school/college all day and could get away without eating no one in my friendship group noticed I wasn't having food. 

   I remember being so happy when I could do this, feeling so hungry felt painful as fuck. Still, my brain used to tell me its good to feel this way, And that I deserve it I deserve to feel hunger an all sorts of pain and I don't deserve to eat as I'm not worth that I felt so shit all the time. 

 I was losing weight, but the eating disorder didn't let me see this; it made me think that I was gaining it weight on I had no scales at home. Hence, I had no clue, At my grans house she had some, so I used to use them to see  I was pleased with the numbers slowly decreasing(I say if I loosing  what I mean is  if anorexia was.)I became anorexia at this point. I had no personality I was addicted to losing weight. 

    I always listened to the eating disorder which had its claws gripped around me breathing down my neck alongside the other demons in my head telling me to not eat as food is bad food=calories and calories would not help the weight loss. 

    When people forced me to eat like back at school/college, I'd just go to the nearest bathroom and throw it up to get rid of the numbers that would make me fat. It was all about controlling something in my life as my life felt like a train that had gone off the rails and was only heading to one destination, disaster. And food was the only thing I could control. 

  When you in the hole of mental health and eating disorders you cannot see what you're doing to others around you in college I hurt my friends a lot when I became the self-destructive monster I still am today. 

   I hurt them; I couldn't see how much I was hurting them in the darkness. I could not see any light in the hole, To be fair the only time I'd ever really had friends were back in the 2nd year of college, so I wasn't used to people caring about me.it was rough. 

There was one way to put it a YouTuber I know Emma blackery says "depression is like if you were to fall down a well and break your legs, you can either try climb out yourself or scream out for help" (off-topic sorry I keep doing that today ). 

   It's hard to talk about anorexia mostly as I'm not exactly what a typical anorexic looks like. I sometimes feel like people won't believe me. I can't get help for it because I'm not thin enough like the self-harm it becomes addiction. An addiction you can't stop it becomes apart of you and a part of you life and drags you down a dark hole only one escape death, but that isn't the only escape there are options other than this. 

 I can't say I've recovered from this like the self harm its still a struggle I hide it a lot.I don't talk about this issue much to people as like I have said I feel like I am not thin enough to have an eating disorder. I struggle a lot to eat I always feel so guilty after I eat a meal as I've added to my weight I really hate my body a lot, but I'm learning to love myself slowly. 

     The problem with anorexia is that even if you get to your goal weight, it still will not be thin enough to please the beast anorexia it will always crave attention you could be a skull. It would look at you say you're still not good enough for anyone you will never be loved your horrible body makes you very unlovable. 

  Even, now I'm sat in shorts and a short-sleeved shirt I'm looking at my legs thinking how I wish they were thinner I wish people in my life didn't make me eat so I could lose weight. Still, I know that is the anorexia talking to me. 

  Anorexia like the self-harm was the only things there for me in rough times. If I was coping with one, the other would be the problem I am faced with. So say I was 1 week clean from self-harming chances are ill be struggling with my eating it's a very rough vicious circle. Either way, I'm being self-destructive. It hurts me, and others but I can't just stop years and years of torturing myself In a day. 

I always felt so alone with this, I've never been able to open up about my eating disorders. I find it hard to talk about it. I just feel like not many people will understand me. 

Like I said before I think  Its about control, but mostly it's about damaging myself as I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I need to punish myself for the mistakes I've made in the past and how helpless I feel when I am trying to help people. I always feel so useless I blame myself when my friends hurt themselves, so I go and do it to myself as I wasn't good enough to help them I have a very very low option of myself. I will never forgive myself for what happened to my friend who passed away. 

  The way we look does not matter; it's hard to hear this, but it's going to be okay your body and how much you weigh does not define you as a person. Your personality  is what really matters I never judge people based on the way they look only on what's inside  

thanks for reading another looong blog thanks to all my supporters out there. 

  love ya Dino(The dyslexic blogger) xxx 

  p.s  

Here is BEAT there an eating disorders charity they help people with it thought id add a link to reach out to those who may need it stay strong your stronger than your eating disorder you can beat it: https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/helplines 

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

so this is where it begins

So, Hi I'm Dino (obviously not my real name but I wish it were haha). There is a trigger warning to self-harm, mention of suicide and depression.

I'm 20 and attending university a few of my friends have done some blogs, so I decided this is where I'm going to start.

As a reader, I thought you'd better known I have dyslexia. Hence, it is a big step to write a blog as, usually, I'm not too fond of it (the dreaded writing spelling and grammar NOOO), But here we go.

In my lifetime, I've been through a lot of crap to get to be who I am today( I will probably talk about some of this in other blogs.) Of course, the aftermath of having a lot of crap happen to you is a lot of issues in the future and a lot of trauma.

There is a daily struggle with mental health. Everything is a battle most days I have to drag myself out of bed which is so very hard to do many little tasks that are easier for other like showering I find is a massive task (thanks depression love you too). Most nights I'm up to the early hours of the morning fighting the demons in my head screaming at me to give in and will not shut up until I give in to the blade and feel the sweet relief of pain as I cut myself. The blood flows out of wherever I've cut it from, Even after this it's not the end of the battle, I get a big hit off of the guilt about doing it, so I don't sleep whatsoever so am tired all the time. In the daytime dark thoughts still spinning around my head, monsters breathing down my neck. Throughout the day, they are lingering over me, waiting for me to mess up somehow and then reminding me of this mistake all day.

The night time is when they are the loudest when everyone I could turn to is asleep. Still, I don't want to bother my friends with my shitty problems 'they don't care. "They don't like you' the demons whisper in my ear when I pick up the phone to text someone, To scream out and get help for my head trying to kill me, haunting me dark thoughts taking over my mind full of darkness and nightmares no light left I'm alone with my thoughts so, I give in and let the demons take over like a bring me the horizon quote 'it comes in waves, I close my eyes Hold my breath and let it bury me I'm not okay, and it's not all right '. I'd say night time is like a tight rope your battling to staying it while monsters are trying to push you off watch you fall to your death some people make it, but some fall off. I always cant get the thought of they (The demons) have been there when no one else was. They have never left me like everyone does.....

Its been about eight years since I started cutting I've been self-harming for a while I can't remember exactly when I began, it began as hitting myself hard. , it only developed into cutting in year seven. I was bullied a lot, so this triggered me to start cutting myself. I felt worthless and like I deserved it everyone hated me so I may as well hate myself too. It began to get worse when my best friend I'd known since I was in primary school killed herself. The guilt consumed me whole, and I became a shadow of who I used to be I was no longer that sweet innocent child who had no care in the world. I was a self-destructive monster who wanted nothing less than to hurt me and wanted nothing more than have me dead. (I'm not going into the suicidal thoughts in this one yet maybe in a future blog.) Yet no one knew. I wouldn't show any emotions expect happy I was 'hyper ', but it was all an act to stop the evil thoughts consuming me and not to let anyone worry about me I didn't deserve that. I'd tell myself daily that I deserve the pain that I cause myself.

I tried to get help for the bullying at school, but my school made it worse so from then forward I shut down completely refused to talk to anyone about my depression. I didn't have a pleasant childhood my parents were abusive (again not going into that in this one). I didn't have many friends, so I never felt good about myself. This was all a massive kick at my self-esteem. It was only until year 11 when my games teacher noticed me as always wearing long sleeves in the blistering heat when we were playing rounders.

It was a childcare lesson she took me aside and took me to the school nurse then I'll never forget how my heart dropped when she said "roll your sleeves up" I first refused. She suggested that she'd go outside the room and to show the school nurse to make sure they wasn't infected or anything so I agreed to this. After this miss brown was the most supportive and she'd been. School became a bit easier from then. We started talking more and more each lesson I enjoyed her company.

One of my bullies who I am very close to now, and we talk a lot came up to me and apologized for what she has said to me in the past. I forgave her, and we sat and chatted about things I let her open up, and she had been through a lot of shit as well, and I felt terrible and told her she could talk to me. After this we became friends, and we talk now and then.

At this point, I was still self-harming and being bullied even cyberbullied to the point the police was involved. Another traumatizing event happened during this time I put my trust into the wrong person and regretted it. I still regret it today and hate myself. But we will cover that in another blog.

I did my GCSEs did pretty well, and life was okay even though I was still at home my self-harming was still a thing, That summer my sister found out about it she asked I told her not to tell mum. Guess what she did TOLD MY FUCKING Mum. My mum was in a lousy mood came to me shouted at me to take my jumper off, so I did she saw the cuts and had a go at me took my phone off me and grounded me and more which I'm not going to go into yet. It was horrible of course I cut again and again and felt suicidal she made me feel so worthless and alone.

Starting college for the first time was stressful and made my anxiety so bad. The first year of college was when I began therapy Tamsin was my therapist. She was lovely, helped me a lot. My self-harming didn't stop but reduced a bit whereas before the sweet relief of the blade and saw how much id bleed was most nights. It was like it was part of my routine. Go to school/college get home to wait till everyone is asleep then cut my night away.

Then lie in bed and stare at the ceiling thinking of how worthless I was and how I want to be dead how I wish I could cut deeper and made it worse for myself. This reduced a bit it wasn't every night, but most nights it was rough and never thought it would consume my life as much as it did never thought id still be here struggling with it.

I've cut myself a few times where I think I probably should have gone to the hospital, but I didn't. One of these times was in my next college it was rough as my original college had told me I wasn't good enough, And that I Wouldn't make it, so I moved to a new college. One of the first weeks there I remember cutting very deep and panicking it was a hot day I was at work and had got home and felt stressed over things and cut my arm badly. I wrapped a sock on it was all I had and texted my girlfriend she told me to find my mate I walked into town found my mate we went to the shop got some supplies sat on a bench and patched it up. I knew a paramedic, so I texted them asking them what I should do they told me to put alcohol on it, Once I got in I put some rum into a small glass went upstairs and told my dad I was going for a bath I ran the water got a wet flannel and bit it. At the same time, I cleaned it I screamed into the flannel in pain I put the water on so my parents couldn't hear me I led on the floor after this and cried to myself silently until I was done then I came out so my dad wouldn't think anything of it went back into my room and cried myself to sleep.

The second year of college wasn't too bad. I had a shit therapist who would tell me things that triggered my eating disorder and would make me feel suicidal. I remember going into her appointments feeling okay and come out feeling suicidal. I had good best mates in my life it was okay (I was still cutting through) thankfully. I am always thankful to this day my friends stopped me from going to this therapist as she made things worse I stopped seeing her for a few months if I didn't stop seeing her id be 6 feet under the ground with nothing to me but a skull.

I wasn't in therapy for a few months as I needed a break from it all until my cutting and suicidal feelings got worse, so I decided to get back into therapy with the help of my friend I had this lovely therapist called Sharon she stuck by me and suggested I go to the doctors, so I did. I was put in meds and probably diagnosed with my issues. However, id had them since I was at least eight or nine at least had some of them like anxiety. Things calmed down meds helped me but also affected me badly I got all of the side effects,( so that wasn't fun.) Still, things went pretty smoothly until university applications I was accepted into a good uni on a conditional offer. This all went wrong this was in 3rd year by the way my college fucked up and put me into The inappropriate exams I couldn't do the GCSE due to my mental health my therapist suggested I do not take it I was suicidal and cutting.

So I didn't get into the university I tried to get into another one they rejected me as I was about to give up hope my friend introduced me to clearing, and that's how I got into the university I'm in now.

Self-harm and suicidal thoughts still attack me, and I still struggle with simple things like just staying alive and not cutting. Each year I wonder am I going to make it to the next year or will I kill myself before the year ends its an achievement getting through the year and surviving it.

I have excellent people in my life now. I feel happy with where I am for the first time in my whole life. I've never felt pleased with the way things are going things usually fuck up. I'm pretty sure life will throw another obstacle my way eventually, but I'm sure one day it will get better. Self-harm will be in the past one day, not right now I'm not ready to stop altogether I can't physically do that (sorry). One day my mental illnesses will be manageable without the pain that comes with them now. Years down the line, I can say I WAS a self-harmer instead of I AM a self-harmer. That will be a while I still need to heal my emotional scars and finally be free from the monster that is depression. Depression is a war you either win or you die trying it's the worst beast of them all the strongest beast, but even the biggest worst beast can be beaten. I believe in all of you out there struggling with your depression. Suicidal thoughts depression can be beaten, look at those who have got through it google it many celebrities have depression and won the war in their head. People like Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Ellen DeGeneres and many more.

Depression is the silent killer it waits till your alone( i mean not alone physically; you could be in a room full of people and still feel alone. )

Then it strikes with false things about no one caring about you. But you are so much stronger than you think if you need support, there are people out there who care about you. You may feel alone but don't tell me in the world of billions, and billions of people, not one cares because that's not true I care.

It's okay not to be okay. I look back and see things do get better from the point I am now to the point I was six years ago things have changed, things may not work out to start with, but it will be okay. Still, they will work out one day this darkness your in will be light you won't have to struggle with the beats in your head the silent monsters that grip you with their claws and consume you alive.

So there you go that some of my battle with self-harm I will go into things a bit more in future. I hope you liked it is not the happiest (sorrrryyyyyyyyyyy ). Still, I hope I can inspire you and give you hope that it does get better and things will work out.

You probably have been told this thousand of but here is the Samaritans number they good and living is good once you get past the darkness of depression. You will get through this your strong enough!

Stay strong fighter!

love

Dino xx

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