#i added a 'read more' bc it got pretty lengthy

[agaypanic]

Grumpy Malcolm With a Sunshine Reader Headcanons

Masterlist

Request Something!

A/N: holy shit i finally posted a fic. i posted this separately bc the ask was a bit lengthy and i didn’t want the whole post to feel bulky or anything

***

It was so weird for everyone when you first got together

You’re always so positive and energetic

Meanwhile, Malcolm hates everything and thinks the world sucks

Before you get together, it’s kinda like him and Cynthia where he likes you and stuff, but is slightly put off by your energy

“Hey, Malcolm!” The boy jolted, not expecting such an energetic greeting at seven in the morning. You plopped down into the seat next to him and took out a notebook.

“Hey, Y/n,” Malcolm responded, much more toned down compared to you.

You tossed your bundle of glitter gel pens onto the desk, letting them scatter around as you looked at your friend. “So, what did you do this weekend?”

Malcolm sighed. Francis and Piama had come to visit, which usually excited him. But those two days were filled with passive aggressiveness and backhanded comments between the couple and his mom. “Watched TV.” Malcolm usually liked complaining about his crazy family, but he figured he’d spare you from it because he didn’t want to take you out of your giddy mood. “What about you? What did you do?”

You were lucky that class wouldn’t start for a few more minutes, because you immediately went into an excited ramble about what you did over the weekend. To Malcolm, your energy made things as mundane as doing the dishes sound interesting.

Malcolm puts off you meeting his family as long as possible

Which isn’t long, considering his mom would find out pretty quick that you two are dating

He’s so worried that his family is gonna embarrass him and scare you off

But by the end of the night, he doesn’t know if he should be happy or scared that you actually like his family

You and Malcolm hadn’t even reached the front door yet, and you could already hear yelling and glass breaking. Malcolm cringed at the noises, putting a hesitant hand on the doorknob before looking at you. “Are you sure you wanna meet my family? I don’t know if you could tell, but we aren’t exactly… normal.”

“Malcolm, I don’t care if your family’s crazy.” You said comfortingly, giving him a peck on the lips. “I wanna meet them. Besides, I bet it’ll be fun!”

Your boyfriend didn’t really share your thoughts, but they gave him the push he needed to open the door and welcome you into the house. 

As soon as you stepped out of the front family room and into the kitchen, you and Malcolm were met with chaos. Lois was trying to cook, but kept getting distracted and yelling at Reese and Dewey, who kept shouting and fighting each other. Malcolm’s youngest brother, Jamie, wandered around the house, dropping toys without looking back at them. They would either make people yelp from accidentally stepping on them or be thrown at the two fighting brothers. The whole place seemed to be a complete mess. The only person who seemed unaffected by the environment was Hal, who was sitting at the dinner table drinking coffee and reading a newspaper.

You nudged Malcolm, your bright smile contrasting his horrified look. “See? This looks fun!”

Sometimes, your energy can be a little much for Malcolm

Not that he would ever tell you that

It’s just that he’s so used to people around him drawing attention for one reason or another

And sometimes, he just wants to lay low

But if anyone ever tells you to calm down or to “stop being so weird,” he’s gonna fight them

Sitting at lunch with your friends, you were talking your boyfriend’s ear off. Everyone except Malcolm seemed to tune out you talking about some artist’s new album you had been listening to. Although Malcolm was a bit tired from his classes, he nodded along and added comments whenever he felt necessary.

But for the most part, he just listened to you talk. “And now she’s going on tour, and she’s gonna be playing at a place that’s only like an hour away from us. We totally have to go, Mal!”

“Maybe,” Malcolm responded, thinking about how many extra shifts he’d probably have to pick up at the Lucky Aide to afford the tickets. “But remember, Y/n, it’s not guaranteed we’ll be able to get tickets.”

“I have hope.” You shrugged. “But before we go, you gotta listen to the album first. I think you’d like it, Mal. Oh my gosh, there’s this one song that I think could totally be our song, you know what I mean? It’s called-”

“Oh my God.” Reese appeared behind you and Malcolm, staring at you with some displeasure. “Y/n, do you ever. Shut. Up?”

All you did was blink at Reese, wondering how or if you should respond.

But Malcolm came to your defense immediately. “How about you shut up, Reese?”

“Oh, come on, Malcolm,” Reese said, rolling his eyes. “You have to admit that it gets annoying with her talking all the time.”

Instead of replying, Malcolm jumped out of his seat and pounced on his brother, taking him to the floor. Part of you wanted to try to break up the fight. But despite all the violence, you thought it was sweet of Malcolm to defend you with such urgency.

And as much as Malcolm wanted to distance himself from it, he would probably always attract attention and bring chaos. But as long as you liked it, he supposed he didn’t mind it as much.

***

Malcolm in the Middle Taglist: @rattilol

[torawro]

I've had this in my mind for a while and I need to let out💀

[Reader is an Arrancar that's dating Grimmjow and she likes to fuck around and flirt with the others (except for Nnoitra cuz that mf ain't entertaining that shit no way😭).]

[One day, he catches her flirting and being all touchy with Ulquiorra who's looking at her like she lost her mind, but he doesn't push her away because one, he lowkey checks her out when no one's watching, and two, I like to think that he enjoys pissing Grimm off sometimes. So ofc, Grimmjow gets pissed and storms to them and possessively pulls Reader towards him, shouting at the higher-ranked Espada to stay away from her.]

[Like the unbothered bitch that he is, Ulquiorra simply stares at him and says sum shit like, "What are you getting angry with me for? She approached me and touched me in an intimate manner so you should scold her for thinking I'm more suited to handling her unresolved sexual frustration." Once again, the pantera gets angry before a mischievous smirk forms on his face. Reader is fucking terrified bc she knows that smirk means he's about to do some crazy shit. Grimmjow looks down at her and winks before looking at Ulquiorra. "Hmmm....so you think you can please her better than I can? Well, how about we let her be the judge of that."]

[So fast forward a few hours later to both Espadas fucking the life out of Reader in her and Grimmjow's shared bedroom. Grimm's fucking her mouth while Ulquiorra takes her from behind. Ulquiorra may be a dedicated, full-time stoic King but the way Reader's pussy keeps greedily sucking him in and milking his cock for everything he's got has him furrowing his eyebrows and gripping her ass more tightly. Grimmjow smirks and laughs at him, amused by the fact that even someone like Ulquiorra can get pussy whipped as well. "Pretty little pussy she has, don't ya think? Greedy little kitty will drain you for all that you're worth. A shame she belongs to me though."]

I'm so sorry this is long but my brain was going a thousand miles an hour with this one😭🙈

😳😳😳😳😳😳😳 grey i—

this is literally me against the wall bc ??????????? what????? you wrote THIS OFF THE DOME??????? THERES NO WAAAAAAYYYYY OMFG? TAG TEAM BETWEEN MY TWO FAVORITE ESPADA? INSANE OH GOSH THE WAY IF I WAS PALE ID BE AS RED AS A TOMATO AFTER READING!?? especially the last couple sentences OH MY GOODNESS. UR BRAIN IS JUST HUGGGEEEEEE . i think one of the things that’s especially hot to me is that not only are we being used like a damn fleshlight, but ulquiorra falling apart behind us bc of how good our pussy is😩😩😩😩😩 STOIC MEN GETTING HEART EYES OVER US IS MY FAVORITE THIS EVVVEERERRRR and i love mr cifer so much mhmhmhmhm i DOOOOOOOOOO !!!! OH MY GSISJSJA FUCK I CANT EVEN PROCESS THIS PLS🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️🏃🏽‍♀️ also do NOT apologize pls don’t ever. bc honestly i love when people drop long pieces like this in my inbox ( people rarely do tho; most of the time it’s me that’s dropping long drabbles like this like it’s nothing 😭 ) but this was such a treat to read omg.

im thinking of how reader feels ulquiorra’s hands on her ass, letting his primal urges he didn’t know he has take control of his movements. he subconsciously spreads our ass cheeks apart so he can see the tight ring of muscles pucker in and out slightly as our cunt makes his lengthy cock disappear and reappear over and over and my baby is mesmerized like you literally can’t make him tear his gaze away from where our extremities meet. we arch our lower back a little more so his dick can hit that spot and we moan lewdly around grimmjow, which results to both men letting out animalistic growls: grimmy grips our hair little tighter than before, the dull pain of his nails digging nearly into our scalp adding onto the pleasure and make our fluttering hole drip even more honey around ulquiorra’s girth. the clenching sensation he feels is damn near euphoric, he’s never experienced this kind of satisfaction and pleasure before and the action made him let out low curse while bringing a rough palm down on the globe of our ass. it feels good because it makes us squeeze around his tighter, but the lingering feeling of his hand still stings.

we make some type of garbled, mumbling noise, as if we’re trying to say something, but ulquiorra doesn’t register what we say ( he doesn’t really care ) because he’s busy trying to process the feeling of your tight cunt and this intimacy he’s currently engaging in. grimmjow on the other hand begins to fuck your throat to shut you up, blatantly disregarding our plea. “oh shut up, this is what you wanted is isn’t it princess? you wanna flirt around so bad? well, now your mouth can flirt with this dick. better be appreciative that i didn’t punish you baby.”

his azul irises shift and trained on ulquiorra’s pale-white countenance; he could clearly see the sweat dripping down his muscular, lean frame and causing the black tendrils of his hair to stick to his neck and forehead. “hey ulquiorra. two more minutes and we’re switching. you’ve had your fun, now i wanna feel my pussy wrap around me.”

[dragynkeep]

so i saw your post about how blake was outed as a faunus to team jnpr, and how you used a screencap to say that she had no idea that her team told them. now, i havent rewatched that scene for a while so i could be wrong about this, but i just thought blake made that face because jaune almost slipped up in saying she was a faunus. i could totally have misinterpreted that though.

and while i agree that nobody should be outed without their consent, the same could be said about sun blurting out that blake’s a faunus to neptune. i know the question was directed towards why yang and ruby were racist (and i dont disagree with your points at all) but i think it’d probably still be important to note that sun did an actual on-screen outing. i know that people argue you cant be racist to your own race or whatever (not counting any, like, internalized racism) and since sun is a faunus, he isnt really racist to blake. but idk, as someone who was outed to my family, i wouldnt take that mistake very lightly.

i also have another general question. so a lot of people in the fndm say blake’s ears are cute. would you say that’s fetishization or just like, an equivalent of saying someone’s jawline is nice? im not trying to discredit what you were answering, it’s a genuine question bc i’ve said blake’s ears were cute without really a second thought. and idk if it’s different in that circumstance?

sorry for the lengthy ask! im not much of a critic, or a rwby-anti in general, but i do like seeing other people’s thoughts on things. as a bi, brown, and genderfluid person whose been in an emotionally abusive relationship (which are all issues you’ve covered i think), i don’t exactly look to rwby for amazing rep, but i also still really enjoy it. i was actually surprised at how much detail people go into when analyzing it lmao. so bc of that, your blog really intrigued me and i was just curious on your thoughts to this.

Oh yeah, I absolutely do not come with RWBY expecting great rep, and from what we’ve got currently, I’m right in doing so lmao.

As to Blake’s reaction to Jaune, it can be both because he almost blurted it out and because she didn’t tell them. Jaune didn’t say Blake told them she was a Faunus, he said Weiss told them Blake was a Faunus, and adding her reaction to that revelation just adds onto the reading that she was not happy at them knowing. 

There was no one near that could overhear Jaune, especially when Ruby and Yang were screaming about their fake Yugioh game before, and if they wanted to show that it was because he almost blurted it out, they should’ve had it that Blake told them offscreen instead it being Weiss.  

The whole problem with Sun saying that Blake is a Faunus versus Weiss saying that Blake is a Faunus is that these two situations are actually pretty different in context. 

Sun was talking to Neptune about Blake in the scene, and actually started off listing her accomplishments and skills to show how much he likes her and actually admires Blake for who she is, not what she is. Blake being a Faunus came last with Sun accidentally blurting it out, immediately realising his mistake, and telling Neptune not to tell anyone because he knows that it was not his secret to tell.

Even going as far as emphasising it by not even telling their own teammates. When Neptune promises, Sun drops it. This could also just be because they don’t have any lines at all in V2, but neither Scarlet nor Sage show that Neptune ignored Sun and went to tell them anyway. So this instance was a member of Blake’s own species making a mistake due to being excited over making friends with someone of his own race, likely since he is the only Faunus on a team of humans, and from an Academy in a kingdom that is notoriously racist towards his people.

And when he realises this mistake, he’s quick to rectify it, and given that Neptune never mentions it even when in the library with Blake, we can reasonably guess that he keeps his promise and doesn’t tell anyone. 

Now with Weiss. Not only is Weiss a human, but a member of the family that is systematically oppressing the Faunus, and spent the climax of the last volume being openly racist towards the Faunus, and Sun specifically. It would be bad with just a human doing it, but it’s even worse when it’s Weiss specifically.

We don’t see how Weiss told them, but given who Weiss is and the fact that Jaune framed it as her willingly telling them, to the point where he didn’t think of not saying it out loud like Sun drilled into Neptune not to do, we can reasonably assume that this was done intentionally. This wasn’t done in the heat of the moment, and more importantly, Weiss isn’t apologetic for telling Jaune when Blake is clearly upset about him knowing.

JNPR aren’t Blake’s team. She didn’t go to them specifically and tell them her secret, Weiss did that. Compare to how Sun, while still wrong to say it, didn’t do it intentionally and immediately tried to fix his mistake by making sure Neptune didn’t say a word to anyone, not even their own team, on top of just being excited to finally have a close friendship with another minority. Weiss had no reason to tell Jaune or his team who Blake was.

[rainbowsky]

More on the Fan Fic issue

I have a few more asks about the issue raised the other day, some of which are long and go into detail on the 'wars' that have been happening on Twitter and AO3.

Sorry for grouping these but I wanted to put it all under a cut because these are long, and also in case people don't want to dig into these issues (which would be understandable).

Anonymous 1 asked:

"I am very strongly of the opinion that the BJYX term is still a fandom umbrella term" I agree. Mainly because Bjyx is the most popular. Many antis always say bjyx, and have no idea the others. So sometimes it's easier just to say bjyx instead of explaining all three. I myself more like "who cares as long as they happy." So I enjoy Yizhan in all contexts. Many bxgs I know also like that, mostly ibxgs. I think deep down all bxgs (no matter which position they prefer) just want Yizhan to be happy

Not sure we can be so certain about that last part, Anon (I think for a lot of people GG and DD are just characters in a smutty story they have in their heads), but I agree about the term being popular regardless of the type of fans people are.

From what I can see the BJYX term seems to be used 80-90% umbrella, 10-20% dynamic in both international and c-social media (for every 10 times you see the term used, only one or two of those usages - probably less - are referring to a dynamic). This is my totally unscientific estimation, but I think even 10-20% dynamic is being generous. The number of people who are fixated on a sexual dynamic aren't nearly as large as they'd like to believe.

Anonymous 2 asked:

about the promptfests - i’ve been on twitter since early 2020 and what i’ve noticed is that this influx bjyx-only promptfests started gaining speed once lots of rational voices started leaving the fandom recently either because a) new interests have caught their attention or b) the toxicity of the popular bxg circles on twitter have become too much to handle.

gdgdbaby was usually the organizer of dynamic-inclusive events, and she’s received lots, and lots, and lots of backlash by bxg, sometimes even by accounts with thousands followers, for using bjyx as a catch-all term. and as her interest in yizhan has since waned—hopefully for reasons unrelated to fandom toxicity—many of the people who were attracted to the welcoming environment she created distanced themselves as well.

zsww/lsfy fans have become an outnumbered circle who try their best to create exclusive events to avoid the “is bjyx a catch-all term” discourse, but never seem to gain as much traction as gdgdbaby (who has a sizeable following) or those who host bjyx-only events (who also have sizeable followings).

meanwhile the dynamic war has only become more and more hostile and bjyx is clearly the more populated group… ao3 is simply a battlegrounds, if i may dramatize the situation a little for the sake of humor, and the promptfests are a reaction to this irritating t/b discourse that has made bxg twitter completely inhospitable for me…and lots of other fans too.

(i’ve also noticed a huge reinforcement as of recently where ppl will call gg laopo, a milf, an omega, etc even outside of rpf (i.e. posting pictures of him at events and saying he looks pregnant or he’s going into heat) and it’s just… uncomfortable.)

(also please note i have a biased account of all of this drama bc many of my friends were harassed over it, and anyone who disagrees with my take may feel free to interject.)

I took the liberty of adding paragraph breaks because they are pretty important for some readers, particularly ND readers like me.

It's sad to hear how fucked up everything has become, but I'm not even remotely surprised. Toxicity leads to toxicity, and the whole idea of dividing up a RP fandom by sex position was misguided from the outset - no matter why it was done or how good the intentions might have been.

And yes, like I said, these people aren't just framing things this way for fan fic. This is how they talk about IRL GGDD.

I had written a lengthy essay here about homophobia in the fandom but deleted it all. Perhaps I'll post it separately at some later point. Suffice it to say that this stuff creates a climate that's often hostile for queer people. So much of it is deeply homophobic, whether people are aware of it or not.

It's really sad to hear about gdgdbaby being mistreated in any way. Anyone who steps up and sticks their neck out to help organize and coordinate activities that benefit a broader group of people should be celebrated and supported, not run out of town by an angry mob.

I've read some of her stories and even have one or two on my rec list. And here's someone who is not only writing good works, but also supporting others to write more good works. Such a shame.

Anonymous 3 asked:

Hello Mr. RBS! I think I can chime in a bit about the fanfic topic as I’ve watched this all unravel on twitter (where a majority of authors/readers are). I apologize if this gets long but it’s been something that’s also been on my mind.

I want to preface this by saying that I’m not a fan of the distinctions of dynamics as, like you said, the supposed line between real life and fanfic is long gone, so I’m not trying to be biased against one group over another.

Short answer to the question of, “is this retaliation?” : I do believe it is. (From here onwards I’ll be using bjyx as the dynamic term just for the ease of simplicity.) To understand why, I’ll have to explain with a bit of background info. On twitter, I’d say that there’s a quite large divide between bjyx and zsww/lsfy. That itself isn’t really a problem because people are free to like what they like and associate with whoever.

However there is a big problem where bjyx people are not just bjyx but also anti-zsww/lsfy. To the point where I’ve seen people say that they feel physically ill when they accidentally read zsww. I don’t think this type of behavior should exist in any dynamic bc in the end GGDD are real people with a real relationship behind this content and it’s just a gross fetishization at that point.

With all this happening, zsww/lsfy people have gotten more outspoken on how GG is often portrayed in those types of scenarios, mainly the over-feminization of him, bc it’s not just done in the context of fanfic but regular discussion of GGDD at this point. This tension between the dynamics kind of boiled over when the pregnant xz fest was announced, as you can take a guess at how that went over with zsww/lsfy people. lol.

But around that same time, another zsww/lsfy event was announced (I’m not sure if it’s the one anon was talking about) but the creator of the event suddenly got a ton of backlash for excluding bjyx, with the reasoning that bjyx is technically a part of lsfy. But the event was done to highlight zsww/lsfy (as all specific events are) bc the community and content for these dynamics are much less than bjyx.

Which is how we come back to the starting point of, is all this recent bjyx stuff retaliatory. I believe so bc the events (preg fest, dark event) are very specific prompts that target exactly what zsww/lsfy people have been outspoken against.

As to the point anon made about trying to drown out the tags, keep in mind that zsww/lsfy content is very minimal compared to bjyx and has only just recently started to gain more traction. I think most people would love to just peacefully exist in their own circles but I don’t see this problem between dynamics disappearing anytime soon.

Like I said with the above Anon, I've added paragraph breaks for ND readers.

What a mess.

I have absolutely nothing useful to say here about the fandom on AO3 and how it's managed by community members, but I do think it's unfortunate that people choose to be war-like rather than make space for diverse voices, and I think it's a real shame that some people have been essentially run out of the fandom because of this garbage.

Thanks for giving some context for how/why the major shift in tone of fan fic lately. I had no idea any of this was going on.

I urge people to work hard to give space for all voices and perspectives, and not just the ones they favor. I'd also urge people to reflect on how their thoughts, behavior and actions in the fandom might affect queer people in the fandom.

As always, we have no control over what other people do, say or think. All we have any control over is how we respond to what other people do, say or think. Hopefully we'll chose the path of peace and try to avoid fan wars or fights that only ruin the experience for everyone.

I guess one thing I'd ask any of the Anons who have written me about this issue - or anyone who has thoughts about it - is, what can we as readers/fans who care about diversity of voices and perspectives do to support that here and on AO3, without getting involved in any kind of war?

[dannyphantom-rewrite]

Character redesign references: Danny, Sam and Tucker .

(Art by the wonderful @gally-hin-phantom / @gally-hin ) click/tap image for higher resolution.

This is way overdue!! Sorry for the delay!

Danny

Full name: Daniel A.Jax Fenton

-Yes his middle name is A.jax and it's entirely bc of this post and this post .

-Danny is Trans, (note the cute bracelet!) having officially transitioned over the summer between middle school and his freshman year.

-Danny is still fourteen, and is the youngest, as well as the shortest out of the trio.

-12 ounces of whoop ass, snark and anxiety. Also puns. Dear God, the puns....

-hobbies include: Astronomy, astrology, D.O.O.M and horror movies.

-Astronmy is more of a hyperfixation tbh.

-Proficient in gymnastics, having taken classes from ages 6-12, and participated in jr. cheer-leading throughout some of middle school as a flyer. Actually used to be friends with dash and paulina.

-Favorite classes involve Science and Mathematics, he’s good at understanding difficult concepts when he can pay attention. Absolutely awful at reading comprehension.

-His style hasn't changed all that much; he absolutely lives in graphic tees, jeans and sneakers. He usually wears the hoodie to cover up the litchenburg figure scars he received from the accident.

-The Accident occurred roughly a week or so before the start of his freshman year at Casper High. 

-Much of how Danny got ghost powers remains in line with the established canon, with Sam urging him to investigate the ghost zone portal, and his getting caught and electrocuted within the frame after accidentally turning it on. 

-Sam didn't have to do very much convincing though, Danny's definitely a lot more interested in his parents work that in cannon, even if they can be super embarrassing about it a lot of the time.

-And this is the point where I break off from that canon: but I'm going to make a seperate post for detailing Danny's ghost half / Phantom.

Sam

Full name: Samantha Nicole Manson

-Sam isn't an Amity park native, she moves into town over the summer after getting expelled from a fancy private school and finishing the year out online/ at home.

-At 15 years old, She's the oldest out of the three of them- having gotten held back a school year at some point for "behavioral issues"

-Sam's personality is still very much in line with her cannon counter part, although while she may still be stubborn to a fault, she knows when to admit she's wrong.

-Her revised style is really more punk, than goth.

-Sam's family is still pretty well off, as her father is the Owner of "Manson refrigerators" which has had a long-standing partnership with Dairy-King Co.

-She doesn't have a great relationship with either of her parents- they view her as out of control while she feels that they're too controling. Her grandmother is a constant mediator between the three of them.

-she's a vegetarian, she won't eat meat, but ethically sourced eggs and dairy is fair game.

-Pan-romantic Asexual.

-hobbies include: Cooking, Gardening, urban exploration, social activism, Anime, horror films and novels, and D.O.OM.

-She meets Danny over the summer at the movie theater during a horror flick marathon. After talking with him for a while, she's intrigued when Danny explains what it is his parents do. Being equally shocked that she doesn't immediately dismiss their work and call him a freak, he invites her over to see the portal...

Tucker

Full name: Tucker Foley

-Meet Danny in kindergarten, and the two of them have been pretty much inseparable ever since. He's only older than Danny by about a month.

-Was the first person that Danny came out to.

-Bisexual

-Dated Danny VERY briefly (like, a week) in middle school, which, unfortunately leads to a lot of people assuming they're still a "thing" (it's annoying but I has absolutely gotten them out of a few sticky situations *cough* fake out make out *cough*

-Not really a fan of sam at first. Tuck Actually feels somewhat threatened by her in the beginning beacuse for the longest time it's been JUST him and Danny, the dynamic duo. He gets worried that Danny'll stop hanging out with him because Sam is just SO much cooler. (These worries are completely unfounded, of course.)

-Still a tech wiz, same as in cannon. Even though I've decided I'm going to set the rewrite in the early 2000's, there's gonna be more "modern" technology. (bc I love the fact that Jack, Vlad and Maddie were in college in the 80's and also don't feel like doing math to adjust the timeline) Tucker probably still has at least one PDA somewhere cause hey, vintage shits kinda cool! But it's definitely not gonna be his go to device anymore.

-Tucker has an issue with iron deficiency...hence, an increase of red meat in his diet. The "meat vs veggies" debate is absolutely a heated issue between him and sam, although after a while it settles into friendly banter rather than lengthy arguments that have Danny pulling out his hair at the lunch table.

-Tucker hates the horror genre, cause he's a freaking wuss, lmao. But he lets Sam and Danny drag him out to see movies anyway.

-Tucker's hobbies include tinkering, computer games, (including but not limited to D.O.O.M) coding and yarn crafts.

-His grandmother taught him to crochet when he would visit her in the hospital, Tucker Actually made his beanie himself.

-Danny's the only one who knows about that though because he doesn't want to be teased for liking something "girly"

-He still has a phobia of hospitals. Watching has grandma slowly deteriorating in one is what caused it.

I think I've covered everything, but odds are I'll be adding onto this at some point.

Next post will probably cover Danny's ghost half in depth!

(on a final side note, if anyone is interested in drawing character refs for this project, dm me! I can compensate with a fic based on prompt of your choice, or if you have set commission rates, $$$)

[unstoppableforcce]

a fragile alliance

no request- just something i had, poe with a first order ! reader.

Poe Dameron x reader !

this is something I wrote a very long time ago, so no TROS spoilers but def more to come if y’all want. it’s angst. it’s pure angst. bc I excell at that.

“Black leader, you see that?” A voice came over on the crackling radio in his ear. And he did. How could he miss it?

The small black single rider plane that every resistance member was told to watch out for, the one containing one of the most feared members of the First Order, you, plummeting to the surface of the small jungle planet. If they could take you out, it would be the biggest leg up on the first order they’d have in while. A sense of pride even surged within the Commander, you had a lengthy history with the First Order, leaving a trail of bodies in your wake. But the voice in his ear said differently.

“Commander Dameron, you are to take a unit to the surface of Bluscant, search for the remains of that ship, take any survivors into custody for interrogation.” The orders were orders, but he despised them. 

They deserved to be left to suffer. He shot you down, he thought you deserved to stay there. 

“Yes, sir,” Dameron responded before ordering his men to the surface with him.

They parked outside the jungle, watching as the smoke from the crash raised higher into the sky. Poe order two men to stay at the ship and another two to follow him, all the way until they reached the crash site.

It was a short hike to get there from the clearing where they parked, but soon they saw the crashed plane. The whole thing was on fire and he hoped you were inside. He didn’t normally see such red but he couldn’t escape it now. 

He wasn’t that lucky, however. While the ship burned plumes of smoke, he spotted a stormtrooper body laying just outside the wreck. 

You were laying up against the side of the crater, hand gripping your side to keep your insides where they belonged given the significant wound that sliced you. Another gash about your forehead, spilling blood down your face. Yet you managed to keep a strong grip on your blaster with your free hand, unconscious but holding tight. 

All of the movement around was all it took to wake you, barely shaking you from your blurry consciousness, but enough for you to feebly attempt to lift your blaster in defense. You barely got it a centimeter off the ground before groaning, a violent stream of pain shooting through you. He kicked it from your hand before you had the opportunity to try again. 

“Base wants us to bring back survivors.” His Lieutenant quickly reminded him. And he very clearly needed him to remember. Because all Poe wanted to do was leave you stranded to die.

“Yeah. Patch her up, and cuff her.” He ordered while rubbing over his face.

“Are cuffs really necessary?” The other man questioned as he kneeled next to you, pressing two fingers to your throat for a pulse, faint but there. 

“She’s got a kill count in the thousands. I wouldn’t take my chances.” Poe argued, crossing his arms over his chest. It may have been an overstatement, but it certainly didn’t feel like it.

The number of reports he had read with her name on the cover. 

“283-3” You muttered out groggily, catching his attention briefly. 

“What?” He questioned, stepping closer but not getting in the way of his two counterparts who were patching you up for the trip home.

“Is he dead?” You finally murmured with enough strength to be heard. Poe could only assume you were referring to your stormtrooper, the one nearest the crash. The dead one. 

“Yeah.” 

Your eyes clenched with pain through the entire procedure, but something in your disposition changed as you hear the news. Slightly more distressed, and he couldn't figure out why.

“I tried- I” The lieutenant administered the sedative, trying to avoid the shock of pain killing you before they could get you back. But he knew what you were trying for. You were trying to say that you tried to save him. He couldn't decide whether it was notable or not given the record she had. The pain in his heart ultimately told him it wasn’t.

“Will she make it back to base?” Poe questioned, kneeling next to them as they pressed the bacta patch to your stomach and wiped the blood from your face.

“If she’s lucky.” One responded and Poe had to hold back a staunch laugh in response.

“We should just kill her,” He shook his head and pulled away, leaving them to carry her back. There wasn’t much in the way of bloody vengeance in his soul, just enough for you.

When they landed back on base, you were taken to the med bay much to Poe’s dismay. He knew who you were. A commander, like himself. Specialized in hand to hand combat, a spy, but not lost around a tie fighter. You surely ordered the deaths of thousands of men and probably killed hundreds with your own hands, or at least that was what it felt like from where he was standing. And Poe was ordered to rescue you so they could gain any intelligence from you. It was probably useless, no way you would give anything up but they’d try, keep you alive for months longer than you deserved.

He left his debrief and headed straight to the medical center, knowing you would be in there, and if you were awake, he needed to talk to you, he needed closure. 

Even if Leia ordered him to get some rest, that she’d send someone to interrogate her in a little bit.

The nurse pointed him to your room without him even having to ask, they all knew.

And when he walked into the room, he was prepared to get what he needed and then kill you, no matter the consequences. Leia could demote him, hell, she could kick him out of the resistance, but if he got this closure, it would all be worth it.

It had to be.

Yet you laid there so innocently. The nurses had cleaned the dirt and grime from your face and hair, the cut above your eye had been healed, and you even looked comfortable under the plush blanket. Even if your hands were cuffed to the bed.

His fingers twitched at his side, aching to grab his blaster and just end it all now but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He needed you to admit to it. He wasn’t a killer, but he would do what’s just, it’s what you deserve. So he called a nurse back in and ordered her to wake you up, and without any objections, she did. They all knew, and not a single one disagreed. 

Minutes later, your eyes fluttered open so peacefully and he couldn’t stand to watch it, he had to turn away briefly to compose himself. Until you began groaning. Your breath was caught in your throat, preventing a scream in pain. Hands clenched into tight fists, nails digging into your palms, the pain overtaking you all at once. It seemed like the doctors were just as bitter as he was.

But then something in your disposition shifted, you began to laugh instead of scream, and your hands released. Heavy breathing took over now as your eyes quickly scanned the room, frantic almost, and as they landed on him, you finally began to understand.

“Long time, Captain.” You squeezed out. The chuckle was rough as it escaped your lips, eyes squeezing shut as your head leaned back against the pillow.  

“Its Commander now.” He choked out, hands clenching, heart pounding.

His blaster was right there.

“Congrats.” It was almost a genuine smile, but it distorted to a smirk as you locked your eyes back with his. 

“Don’t congratulate me, I should kill you.” He added, taking a few steps towards closer until his thighs hit the foot of the bed.

“Do it. You won’t.” You scoffed, “you wouldn’t dare disobey an order, and I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be here.”

“After everything you’ve done-“

“I deserve to suffer. I deserve to be tortured. I deserve your worst. I don’t deserve to die and you know that, the resistance wouldn’t let me off that easy.” You argued back easily, even if your chest was still heaving with every breath. He couldn't deny that he was watching it, a part of him hoping it would stop.

Tears brimmed at his eyes no matter how hard he fought to keep them down. “I don’t care about the resistance.” 

“Then what are you here for?”

“You killed Finn.” He choked out, not in control of his emotions any longer. He rounded the bed, took two more steps forward, and began pointing in your face as he seethed, “You killed him.”

But your face didn’t twist to that of a proud First Order Commander who would relish in a successful kill. It twisted into confusion, pure confusion. Brows furrowing and head quirking slightly to the side, only serving to raise the heat in his chest. 

“FN- 2187?” You asked, trying to sit up despite the pain flooding your body and warning you against it. 

“You killed him, I watched it.”

“I didn’t kill him.” It was a plead, genuine concern in your eyes that he couldn't understand. You were fighting against the restraints, leaning into his now shaking finger of accusation. 

“I saw you do it, the whole galaxy saw it.”

“I didn’t kill him. Dameron, I have killed a lot of people, I didn’t kill him.” You shouted back with the same volume he used, defensive, truly defensive. 

“The first order broadcasted his execution across the whole galaxy, do you think I’m an idiot, I watched you kill him.” He shouted but pulled back when he watched you flinch. 

You couldn’t form a sentence fast enough, not by the time the curtains behind him ripped open and two soldiers grabbed him by the arm and pulled him fighting from the room. He needed closure, he needed an answer. He would fight but they only pulled him farther back. 

“He’s alive.” The words left your lips just as the curtains fell shut between the two of you. He wanted to hear more, to see more-

And soon he was tossed to the ground on his knees in front of Leia herself. 

“I told you to go get rest, that I’d send an interrogator in.” She said but he wasn’t there. His body was physically on the floor but his mind was elsewhere, he was replaying Finn’s death over and over again in his head.

He saw the alert go out that the first order had a special broadcast, and when the image flashed up in the command center, he just about collapsed on the floor. Finn, on his knees, surrounded by stormtroopers and officers. In front of him stood Kylo Ren, General Hux and You. Dressed in all black, not completely covered like Ren and Hux were, but somehow just as intimidating. Your hair pulled back so he could see your face painfully clear. An image that haunted him at night.

And then Hux said, “No traitor shall go unpunished...” and continued on into a vehement hate-speech about the First Order’s dominance in the galaxy. But Poe only stared at Finn. He was forced on his knees, hands behind his back, still wearing the jacket he gave him. He tried to stay strong, to not let them win, but he was scared, Poe could see it. And as soon as his speech ended, she was ordered to execute the “bloody traitor.”

Stepping forward, you pulled a large electrically surging sword from your holster, and within seconds, you spun and his head hit the ground.

Poe screamed, a raw, guttural scream as he saw it happen, and none of the officers around him cared because they saw the pain, they felt the pain. And Finn, who they all regarded as a hero, was brutally murdered by you, a nightmare-like extension of the first order.

And now you were saying you didn’t kill him when he saw you do it. And now you were saying he was alive when he saw his head off his body.

“... Poe. She’s messing with you. She knows that she can target your emotions and you’re just giving her power over you.” Leia soothed but Poe hardly heard it. What did you mean he was still alive.

“What if he’s alive?”

“He’s not Poe, we watched it happen.”

“She said he’s alive.”

“She’s a First Order member, she is trained to deceive you, to mess with you, she is the enemy Poe, she just wants to get you off your game,” Leia explained but Poe couldn’t pay attention to her, too lost in his own thoughts.

“If he’s alive, I need to find him.”

“He’s not alive Poe, we both know that,” Leia finalized as he finally rose to his feet. “She’s lying to get a rise out of you.”

“She seemed genuine.”

“She’s a spy.”

“If he’s alive-“

“He can’t be Poe,” Leia said exhaustedly before ordering Poe to be sent to his room, he was too out of it to protest at this point and just complied.

But if it was true, how could he ignore it.

Leia couldn’t keep him away.

Over the next two weeks, you began to heal up and Leia began to send in interrogators but you merely mocked them. They didn’t need to torture you, Leia knew it wouldn’t work, you weren’t going to break like that, so she just tried getting information from you in regular conversation. Still, no avail. 

You wouldn’t give up anything useful, besides who did Hux’s laundry.

A stormtrooper, called AT- 8745. He read it in a report.

Poe knew you weren’t going to give anything useful.

But you had been willing to talk about Finn last time he tried. And no matter what the general said, he needed to try again.

He got a few looks as he snuck into the holding cells but people thought he was meant to be there, so they never said anything about it.

He typed in the code with shaking hands, not nervous but surging with the adrenaline that knowing he was going against orders that the General gave him. The door was heavy but he pushed it open quickly, too eager to hesitate.

You laid out on the bed, well not a bed but a metallic slab with no blanket or pillow, across the room from the door. One knee bent up and both hands beneath your head, staring at the ceiling, you almost looked dead given how you barely moved. A single chair sat in the middle of the room, too close, he thought, to your bed for the council to have allowed Leia to interrogate you from.

But he spotted the glimmer of the forcefield in between the two halves of the room, keeping them separate.

You didn’t look up upon hearing him enter, not moving besides adjusting briefly to lay a hand over your stomach defensively.

“I expected you eventually, figured that Leia had finally run out of options.” You noted from the bed, knowing it was him without seeing him. He didn’t waste any time being impressed. 

“She doesn’t know I’m here.”

That got your attention. You turned towards where he stood by the wall, no different than the last time you saw him, if anything, he only looked more exhausted. 

You groaned, pain rushing through you as you sat up on the bed but he made no move to sit down, he just hovered by the door.

“Why are you here?”

“You know why.��

“He is alive, I have no reason to lie to you about that.” You argued, walking towards the barrier, but stopping right in front of it. He wondered how many times you walked into it before realizing it was there, he could tell it was at least once given the hesitancy you took towards it. 

“Explain why.”

“He could be reprogrammed and valuable, but in order to get you to stop investigating, Hux needed you to think him dead.” It wasn’t curiosity or even a fascination, but you lifted one hand to the barrier and played along the light blue glow that radiated as you got close. It almost felt like boredom, and it pissed him off. “Drop the barrier and I’ll tell you more.”

He considered it for a second longer than he should have. It should have been a quick no but it wasn’t. But it also wasn’t a yes, he just backed away from the panel and to the barrier so that he could stand face to face with you. 

“Where is he now?”

“Drop the barrier.”

“If I do, you’ll escape, and won’t tell me what I need to know.”

“I also won’t tell you what you need to know with it up.”

He walked back over to the control panel on the wall and opened the door, pulling his blaster from the holster and dropping it outside. Then he locked the door shut, using his handprint to secure it. Only after all of that, did he make a move to lower the barrier.

Everything within him told him not to, but he needed to know. You were injured and manipulative and he needed to know. 

You didn’t charge at him like he expected. He didn’t have any weapons on him anymore so he wasn’t too worried about being overtaken and immediately killed, but he couldn’t trust you, not for a second.

“He’s in the reprogramming plant on Plutarch.”

“Plutarch?”

“A moon in the Ghevner circuit. Kylo Ren took control of it for the first order several years ago. Since then, it’s become a brainwashing stormtrooper factory.” You explained, now walking towards him, hesitantly as you passed where the barrier had been, but faster once you cleared it. 

“How do I know you’re not lying to me?”

“Armitage. He made me into a liar when he broadcasted that clip. I’m not a liar.” There was almost a playfulness to your voice, it set him on edge in a way he wasn’t sure he had ever felt before. 

“Just a murderer?” He tipped his chin, but you didn’t seem all that offended. 

“No one’s perfect.” The joke came out deadpan as you stopped just in front of him, your serious face never changing now that it was on. “Look, from what I’ve heard, he’s been resisting reprogramming, if you could get to him, you’d have a good chance of getting him back.”

He didn’t understand, he felt a tug on his heartstring and he didn’t understand. 

“Why are you telling me all this?”

You scoffed, the sensation crackling through your body as you shrugged. “You think so little of me.”

“You’ve given me reasons.”

“They pay me better than you guys would. That’s all it is. I do dirty work, sure, but if you paid more, I’d do that dirty work for you. It’s not about morality for me, sorry.” You sighed, hands folding in front of you. 

“So you’re a murderer in it for the money but a good person?”

“I think the question you should be asking is why would I want the barrier down if I planned to tell you everything anyway?” You added. It was just ominous to push him over the edge, but you were faster. 

One elbow, straight to the face and he was on the ground in a second. Not unconscious, head stinging with pain, but still barely conscious against the cold concrete. 

“Now you’re going to get me out of here.”

[moldy-mold]

Diary Post: My Thoughts and Processes on Making “Silent Strength” It’s lengthy, taking place over long period of time. Mainly written for my future-self to remember what I went through, but also for anyone who is curious. Now that the project is over, I can post without reservations. There are certain things I need to keep secret though, so if I’m vague I do so intentionally!

Basically, a lot of number-crunching, physical labor, and psychological labor.

It started off as kind of a joke tweet I made. I had enough content to make a Tales Of art book and people were receptive to it. So… I thought maybe I could go somewhere with this. A few weeks later, I suddenly had a lot of Kratos art. Like. 80% of all my Tales art was Kratos. It didn’t make sense to make a broad Tales Of book when really most of it was Kratos.

I hadn’t made a book since I was in college despite it being one of my favorite things to do. They were never art books, just some editorial design projects that totally didn’t count. This book… would be my first-ever art book.

Several times, I came close to having enough art to print a book - the last time was my large collection of Yusuke Kitagawa, but the quality wasn’t where I wanted.  At that time, I was still experimenting with my iPad Pro and figuring out Procreate, so that was what I used him for.

NGL, I was pretty afraid of looking like a clown. After doing all this work, what if no one actually buys it? I was talking to some friends and they said they would buy it. It was enough for me. In the end, I’m creating something that I love. - The first thing I really wanted to work on was the cover. It needed to be epic but also mysterious (lol)… It was a good time to practice lighting and backgrounds. The cover had to be freaking Fantastic. I spent 3 days drawing nonstop. I was on vacation so I could spend full days just drawing. It was really intense. I would stop in the evenings to go for a run or else my legs would never get circulation again.

The hardest part was keeping it secret. I wanted to share it with the world right away bc I was so proud of it. Well, all I could do was show it to my parents and some close friends. They didn’t know who Kratos is, but it was obvious I was crazy about him.

Initially, I was doing some hand-lettering for the zine title instead of using a typeface. Tbh, I was so sure I was naming this zine “Blame Your Fate!” bc that is such an iconic line. But it just didn’t work with my cover, which looked… a little too serene for that. So… Silent Strength or Divine Strength? I asked around and got my answer.

But what size? All of my art has been on letter canvases. I wanted it to be large so you could see the details in the art. I’ll just start with that. - Luckily, I had all my Kratos-related art in one place. I started my InDesign file and threw everything in there just to see what it looked like. Man, I draw a lot of boxes… But I didn’t want them all next to each other. I also wanted to kinda organize it by the people Kratos hangs out with. There’s a Yuan section LOL… and a Lloyd section… and an Anna section. Idk, I tried to get some kind of order in there with a sprinkling of full spreads here and there to keep it fresh and interesting for the eyes.

I hadn’t worked with InDesign on such an intense level since college. I forgot all of the tips and tricks we learned in class. Spent some time reading on how to do things again… like adding page numbers. - I started drafting my pre-order form. It’s my first time making a google form like this. It’s kind of fun? I spent a long time on it, despite how simple it was. This was going to be my “Store” so it had to look and sound good. - My friend introduced me to charm-making. It seemed easy enough, and I wanted to give my zine more oomph. Besides, I’ve always wanted to make a charm.

I remember someone saying they’d buy a book of just the 4 Seraphim if it existed. I like them too and they lack art imo. In the end, I decided to do a polaroid charm. It’s not really that unique but I wanted Kratos to have actual friends to hang out with for once LOL.

She was going to do a group order to try to reduce the costs. I thought maybe 4 weeks would give me enough time. In the end she said I only have 2. I work well under pressure, so needless to say, I did make that deadline. I actually sketched the whole thing on the plane headed home. - After playing the game the second time, watching the OVA again, and reading “Offerings to a Star,” I have gained a real soft spot for Yuan.  My friend once said, “If you weren’t stolen away by Kratos, you would be in love with Yuan.” Lol. I’ve been in a “Kratos and Yuan hanging out” mood lately, so of course I needed something good for the zine. They’re so cute together! Now… what is the bro-est thing I can draw?

I was currently in Florida for my friend’s wedding. I was friends with the groom and his best man since high school, so that makes it 10 years now. Seeing how they’re still friends after all this time, despite living in opposite sides of the country, was really moving to me. Of course, me being me, I could see Kratos and Yuan’s long friendship being similar to this, if they had gone to school together. I just had to draw it. - When I got back from vacation, I did some research on zine sizes. Mine was HUGE compared to others. I just didn’t quite realize it until I held a magazine in my hands. It really is huge…

I settled for a medium size. 7x9. I really liked how it looked. Petite but not too petite. Unfortunately resizing my book had messed up my artwork placement so I spent hours rearranging all the text and resizing my images. I found out afterwards that there’s a way to retain the format while changing the document size. Gee, that would have been helpful 4 hours ago.

Sadly, choosing a custom size booklet makes printing more expensive. But I wanted it badly enough that I’d be willing to pay for it. Letter size is just too large… - I decided to stop dragging my feet and post a promo. I just really needed a deadline for myself to get this all done before July ended. I’m happy it was well-received. A lot of people like Kratos huh…

Anyway, the pre-order is due in a week and I still don’t know what all the costs are yet. I need a physical proof ASAP to weigh at the post office! - Something possessed me one day to do another drawing. I don’t usually do painterly style (mainly because it’s really difficult and takes 10x longer) but I just REALLY wanted to push myself on this Final Piece to the zine. I wanted it to be… radiant. Almost religious. I worked on it obsessively. From breakfast to sundown. The only time I would stop was at 7pm to go running or else my legs would give out on me.

Call me crazy, but I would save my progress on my phone so I could examine it for errors during my warmup. I also spend an hour examining it for errors before going to bed. It’s a miracle I hadn’t dreamt of the painting. - I sent my files in on Sunday in hopes that they start working on it first thing on Monday…. and it HAPPENED! They finished before I even woke up. I think they start work at like 6am…

Of course, I drove over there as soon as I heard so I can get a look. “Please… please let the colors be okay,” I prayed as I was driving. I barely remember driving there, I was so lost in thought. It would be another long ordeal if I had to fix all the colors.

Thank the stars. The press proof looked BEAUTIFUL!! I was screaming to the client coordinator how much I loved it. I mean, I worried for a looooong time that everything would turn out too dark (it usually does) but it was PERFECT. I was especially worried about the cover, which contained a lot of yellow and I def did not want it to come out mustardy… But it was great in the end!

The press operator is a quiet man. He’s got a scary face and never smiles but I think he’s secretly nice. He has done a lot of favors for me in the past without my asking. He was the one to print, bind, and trim the book for me. Obviously he had to have seen what I was drawing. I wonder what he thought of it…? He walked away before I could express how happy and thankful was. He didn’t need to hear it. It was like he already knew. So cool…

I immediately took it to the post office to weigh it. I needed as much info as I could get and plus, I was dying to know for myself. This is the week I was supposed to open pre-orders and there was still a lot I needed to do. Take pictures, create mockups, pricing, etc.

NGL, all of these costs were building up fast. It was so darn expensive to make a zine while also keeping prices down. But I wanted so much more for my baby. Extra glossy cover, perfect binding!! I knew by the end of this, I probably wouldn’t make much money. It hurt a little, but I tried to think that it was for the greater good. Learning experience and all that. And creating something beautiful. Especially something beautiful of Kratos. - Pricing was really the hardest part. I pretty much threw profit out the window. However, I definitely did not want to be losing money. My dad and I had worked together to create a spreadsheet of expenses to make sure my head was above water. I followed it… loosely.

My friend came to talk to me at the right moment. I was sort of panicking at the prices. She made me realize I was thinking way too hard about it and gave me some tips based on her own experience. It really put my mind at ease talking to someone who understands my woes.

The truth of the matter is, the book is wonderfully made and has a lot of pages - countless hours of drawing. There is only so much I can do about pricing. It is what it is… I just needed to come to terms with my own worth. - Boy, what am I going to do once the zine is done? My friend says that I’ll be so over Kratos that I’ll stop drawing him (but the love remains). It’s like… all of the intense planning, working, struggling nonstop will just suddenly… stop. TBH, I’m running out of ideas. I spent it all on the zine. - Photoshoot today. I had to paint my nails purple for this occasion. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the look I wanted in the apartment. It’s just so naked without props. I think I’ll take it to a cafe for some nicer backgrounds. I talked it over with my friend and decided to do a quick flip-through of the zine as a promotional video. I used the most professional video program I had on hand… Snapchat. It actually turned out pretty legit and of course I slapped stickers on there because it’s Snapchat.

I had to tape/hide some of the pages for the video because I wasn’t actually done with the drawings. I had the printers print it anyway so I could examine it for color accuracy.

I’m really stressed about pricing now. It turns out I had a lot more international fans than I anticipated. I wish I took notes on interest earlier in the game to cater to them. I had a list of “possible buyers” and I only just now decided to check where they live? Foolish.

I did another cost analysis on paper to figure out what my goal was to make up for the charms. Right now they’ve cost me a fortune for something that was supposed to be giveaway. Other things that rack up are packaging costs, PayPal fees, and some other supplies I needed for this project.

Maybe I shouldn’t have made it 40 pages. It is an impressive number, but no one is really paying for quantity. I think 25 is a better number lol. If I had done that, I could have had my super-gloss cover like I wanted. :’(

There is hope though. And I’ve placed it in the hands of my followers to come through for me. I think I’ll open pre-orders on Saturday or Sunday, depending on what I finish. - “Losing your cool will only lead to poor decisions.” 
Thanks, Kratos twitter bot. You always know what to say.

I read this post today on what makes people buy zines. Very interesting!
 https://twitter.com/andythelemon_/status/1141469048653398019 - Photoshoot part 2 today. My friend and I went to a cafe nearby that had some nice atmosphere in hopes of finding the right shots. I brought all of my Kratos merch just in case. I’m glad I did though, since the tables were pretty sparse and it was difficult to capture the backgrounds without getting a bunch of random people in it too.

I would have been the photographer, but I definitely wanted my hands in the shots. In a way, it was meaningful - to show that this was made by my own two hands. Plus, I wanted to depict natural interaction with the product. It made it feel real.

The photos were cute! I feared it would look a little amateurish with all the merch in there, but I think fun was what I was really going for, not “professional.” And plus the flip-through was a Snap anyway LOL. As long as the photos have good lighting and tasteful composition, you really can’t go wrong with “fun.”

Now that I’ve finished editing my photos, there really isn’t anything holding me back from opening pre-orders. I’ve pretty much come to terms with my pricing. If I fail to break even, I’ll just have to open commissions to try to make up for it. I was telling my friend on the way home, “I gave this zine EVERYTHING I had to give. So at the very least, I won’t be disappointed in myself.” No stone left unturned, no detail left unchecked. It was perfect according to my standards. I really love my zine okay?!

I thought I was crazy for not only choosing a small fandom, I narrowed it down even further by picking ONE GUY to make this zine about. She replied, “Even if it’s small, those people who love him now must be EXTREMELY LOYAL to still be in love with a character from a 15-year-old game. All of them will want your zine.” - I went to bed that night with the intention of making the pre-order post live in the morning. I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep. I was wide awake until at least 5 or 6 am. Luckily, I was able to doze off for a an hour or two before I would shake myself awake again. It was a mixture of anxiety and excitement. It was the moment of truth - to see if all my effort made a difference. Was it going to sell? - The pre-order post looked really freaking good. I’ll give it that. I even made a YT account just to post that darn preview video on tumblr lol. It was definitely fun seeing everyone’s excitement and we all just freaked out together.

I broke even! That’s what really matters. Honestly at this point, I couldn’t care less if I made profit or not. I now know how much people really like the zine and that alone made me so happy I could die.

I was particularly fascinated at Google Form’s ability to transfer all the data collected into a spreadsheet. That is extremely helpful. I spent hours organizing the data. It was really fun…?! Now I can tell who gets invoiced and who paid and separate them into categories. IT’S FANTASTIC!

Stayed up late researching how much adding tracking could be. I had a slight panic attack thinking “what if my books got lost in transit?” It would really hurt me to have to reprint books and ship them again. And then I realized I will need to fill out customs forms for all international orders. Yikes, I’m gonna be living at the post office lol. You can print them out at home if you fill out the form online but there are still some things I’m uncertain about. I may visit the post office later this week to ask all my questions. - This morning I sent out everyone’s invoices. I gave the international people the option to purchase tracking. It’s expensive… but I need to provide that option just in case.

I received a nice message from someone who offered to advertise for me on Instagram. Of course, I gave them the OK! I’m really so shocked they would do that… They said the liked the zine so much it deserved more exposure. My dude… I love you… T_T

I thought about advertising on insta myself earlier in the week. For some reason I felt it was going to be fruitless since I don’t have an art account on there with a following. So, I gave up on the idea. Hey it worked out in the end.

I’ve never been so organized in my entire life. I want this zine experience to be perfect. The people have placed their trust in me, so I cannot mess up. - Edited some pages in the zine. The typography must be perfect… It made me think back to undergrad days in graphic design school. Man, if only I can present this as a project - photos, videos, matching accessories and all. I’d probably get an A lol. - Orders slow down after the first day. The rest is just about getting new people to see the post and giving other people more time to decide.

I finished my Kratos stationery today. It’s going to be so cute. My friend said people would want to buy it but I don’t have it in me to do more products at this time. Plus, I want it to be a surprise.

Why make stationery? Well my real job (no, I don’t draw Kratos all day for a living) is a stationery designer! It would feel really wrong not to put into practice what etiquette I’ve learned in this business. Plus, I felt that it was necessary to properly thank all those who ordered. And it’s fun?

I started designing the shipping labels for the domestic orders since I don’t need to fill out a customs form for those. I wish I had sticker labels but… it’s okay. It will still look good in the end. - Every so often, I would get nervous at the amount of money I’m responsible for. Perhaps, if I had a store with existing products I wouldn’t feel this way, but the fact that the books haven’t been printed yet made me scared. I know, I need this money to even print the books in the first place, but I’m just baffled at my customers’ trust in almost a total stranger. I felt pressured that I could not let them down and lose that trust. It probably didn’t help that I watched a documentary on Elizabeth Holmes (Theranos) that day.

So, I prayed every single day that nothing would go wrong. I’d check my spreadsheet constantly for any mistakes. It was a little obsessive, but I would rather be that than overlook something.

I began collecting cardboard boxes. My plan was to cut them up to protect the books during transit. I would have preferred hard envelopes but they were a bit pricey. If I have to do more work myself, so be it.

I’ve been getting nice DMs from some buyers. I think my invoice due date scared them… I really did not intend to be strict, but I wanted people to pay now if they can rather than forget about it. This happens at work all the time, so the best thing to do is have it due immediately. It would not look good to have to wait on stragglers when I close pre-orders, so I’ll probably reach out when there is one week left. - My Kratos stationery arrived! Aww it is SO CUTE!!! My babies… I have a lot of notes to write so I got started right away. It’s going to be a lot of work trying to come up with creative ways to say “thank you,” but I don’t mind. I said I was going to put my all into the zine experience so I will.

At long last, the charm order has been put in motion. My friend said it could take a while… I hope it won’t be longer than 3 weeks. I really do not want to keep everyone waiting. I may ship out the ones who did not win a charm first. I mean, there is no reason to make those guys wait. I should ask the charm winners if they still want to wait and see if anyone wants to give it up for someone else who is more patient. Hm. - I finally stopped by the post office today to collect customs forms. I have my work cut out for me since I’m filling all of them in by hand. D:

I’m not used to international addresses so I think I’ll ask for help in checking them for spelling errors and typos. Heaven forbid I mess up on the very last part of the zine experience.

In my nervousness, I decided to reach out about invoices early on. If someone wanted to cancel, I would rather find out sooner rather than later. Everyone was really nice about paying and thank goodness they’re still excited.

Feeling kind of overwhelmed by all the things I need to do, but it’s a good thing. If I don’t know what to do, I can either: cut cardboard, write letters, type shipping labels, draw more Kratos for a… possible volume 2? Someone I talked to today already said they’ll pre-order a second book if I make one. Omg I think I’ll die. But we’ll see. It’s just a joke right now haha… - Preorders end today. I had another nightmare last night that the books could not be printed properly and there was nothing I could do. Why do I keep getting nightmares about the zine! I had one a few days before about people canceling their orders when I asked them about the invoices. I’ll take these dreams with a grain of salt. I’m probably just stressed/worried but everything is going to be okay. When I open my eyes, nothing is on fire.

I received my final proof a few days ago. With all of the artwork completed and changes applied. The book looks good, no doubt about it. There was only one thing I was nit-picky about but it can be fixed. The press operator offered to print another book for me to inspect. I’ll go see it on Monday and then submit the rest of the orders. I also asked to to have a meeting with the press operator so we are on the same page. It would be beneficial to have an understanding of how my book is made so that I may be more helpful to him.

I spent the day preparing shipping labels. I hate to admit, I am not too familiar with the format international addresses so I had an address validator open as I was typing them in. For the most part, everyone was helpful in already formatting their addresses in the preorder form! - My parents called me the day after preorders were closed. They wanted to say congratulations on my success. No one thought it would do this well. I couldn’t be offended by that since I was also guilty of it. I’m happy though. It feels like my love spread across the world and was contagious.

I tried to think of what advice I would give to others. Obviously, genuine love for the subject and hard work were a necessity. But it would be good to consider value. If I were selling it at this price, I had to make sure my pieces and presentation looked the part. I ask myself, if someone else sold it, would I buy it?

I sent out messages to all the charm winners in the morning. I wanted to apologize profusely at the ridiculous amount of time it has taken to get them made. But no, I’ve got to stop apologizing. I stated the facts and left it at that. Everyone was really kind and patient⁠—to which I was thankful for. I don’t usually get that when I’m working customer service. - All the books were done printing in one day. Wow! I went to pick it up immediately of course. I can’t believe all of this is coming to an end. I finished preparing the mailers. All that was left was to stuff and seal the domestic orders. They were the easiest to do so I’m going to ship those first. The rest will need customs forms, which I haven’t filled out just yet. It’s going to be a while for those…

The mailers were quite sturdy with the cardboard cutouts I slipped in them. I have nothing to worry about. I’m sure my babies will be okay! - I took a whole box of domestic orders to the post office today. Wasn’t sure what to expect. But my clerk had to input every single address one at a time while I checked for errors. Omg, why are the post office shipping labels SO HUGE. I thought it was going to be half the size. And they’re ruining my designer labels! Slight panic but oh well…

I had a long long line behind me. I’m so sorry, people. Luckily there were two clerks or I would be really sweating. Despite my intimidating box of zines, the clerk and I had Synergy and we managed to ship all of these in about 15 minutes. I received a very long receipt and quite the bill lol. - Shipped the international orders today. I was kind of a mess since I had no idea what to do. I keep wondering if I can help speed up the process in any way but I don’t think I have the option to ship first-class at home.

When shipping international, keep the post office copy of the customs forms together with the package since they use that to type the address info into the system. Also, we get free tracking, which I did not know about. The other clerk told me that we did not get tracking for international first-class but I guess he was misinformed. It’s good to know for next time. - The charms finally arrived!! And THEY’RE HOLOGRAPHIC?! It was pretty awesome, but it makes picture-taking kind of difficult!! Anyway, I was a tiny bit disgruntled that they got my order incorrect, and I even asked for a reprint. But they said no, so I left it at that. Besides, it seems the holographic effect was well-received.

I like this size that I made. It’s really cute! Larger than your normal charm but not too huge. It’s almost like an Instax photo! - There was one customer who I found lives near me! I asked her if she wanted me to hand-deliver it to her in a public setting and she agreed (to my amazement). We finally met a few days ago and talked for hours and hours lol! I’m glad to have finally made a new friend here in this town but of course she’s moving away in two weeks. <:’3

We’re going to meet again to make the most of her time left. - I shipped the rest of the orders on the following Monday. I HAD to get these out. The poor guys have been waiting over a month! I think I picked a bad time to go because I had a huge line behind me and only one guy working. People in line were getting antsy or mad. The clerk at the other post office was super fast but not this guy…

For some reason shipping to the UK and Japan nearly doubled in price since the last time I checked. RIP. T_T - Omg I finally made a mistake. I wrote a letter to the wrong person. And the contents of that letter are too personalized!!! I am dying of embarrassment!!!!! Screams!! Had to apologize to both customers too!!! Luckily they were good sports about it but I’m seriously kicking myself AAAAAAAA!!!! - The most rewarding part after sending all my babies away is seeing the commentary on my project. It is so so nice to receive positive feedback. People are happy! Happy with something I created out of thin air. Everything was worth it 1000 times over. I can die happy!

I’m especially thankful to those who show understanding for how much effort went into it. It definitely wasn’t easy and I poured way too many hours into it… not that I regret that.

I don’t want to jump the gun but I would really love to make a volume 2. Because I know I can do better than last time. New and improved art and comics! But we’ll see if I make enough pieces for another book. I was against printing 40 pages before but now I kind of like it. It feels more worth it than a 25-page zine. If i’m going though so much effort, might as well bring in the entire package.

I’ll be printing more of this volume for Aselia Con 2020. Now I know people will appreciate it.

[spirit-shroud]

Fanfix ask: I N K Q V Z

hewwo! ♥ from this ask

I: How many fandoms have you written in?  Do you have a favorite? technically, i’ve written fanfic for d gay man, h*mestuck, toontown, w*zard101, world of wardumb, undered tale, deltaed runes, hyperlifter, bard game, moonlighter, oneshot, dust: AET, Portal, no.6, and more recently, pokemon. i only have ut/os/swsh up on my ao3 tho because most other stuff is Very Old or just generally incomplete/not the general vibe of the fandom lol

undert*le was fun to write for just because of how rapidly my hits/kudos/comments went up but tbh i really only wrote for it because of the attention my fics got even tho they werent like.... remotely good. half of that is  looking back on my past work and cringing just bc it’s my past work but like. idk. im really hoping that writing swsh stuff will be a similar high but it’s something i feel a lot better taking my time and putting actual effort into my writing for 

N: Any fic ideas brewing that you’d care to share? oh always, heres some upcoming chapters of legendsfor the ones im actively working on/have been adding to lately: Tangled in Glimwood - the usual two end up dangerously lost in the glimwood tangle and have to set up camp for the night, armed with like, half a steel move and a trusty cast iron frying pan between them to make sure they’re safe from all the rude ass fairies. includes fun friendly banter such as ‘hop i swear to god you CANNOT eat the glowing mushrooms they are DEFINITELY SUPER POISONOUS’ and ‘this is why nobody in your family has any taste buds left’ and ‘do you think phantumps remember being alive? do they have any of their memories? if we both became phantumps, do you think we’d recognize each other and keep being friends? is that weird to think about?”  Hopscotch - hop has always been there for reader, so when his spirit gets crushed by bede, you step in and offer emotional support and it’s mushy as all hell. this fic entirely is being written bc i’m pissed there’s no option to hug hop during the game. i cant summarize it either its just ‘hop feels bad so you do something about it like a good friend instead of a Silent Protagonist Bastard Fool’ 

Striped Pajamas - a semi-sequel-but-not-really? a sequel if you squint? to sea vents where marnie, hop, and reader hang out again and have a sleep over and like. play video games together and it’s NICE they have FUN and my girl SMILES FOR REAL BC ITS WHAT SHE DESERVES 

Homecoming - reader + leon have been together for awhile and he’s bringing them home to meet his mom+little bro. it’s mostly uneventful and even awkward, as i’d imagine that kind of thing would be, so reader spends most of their time hanging out w this neglected nine year old child who really wants to show them his craftmine builds and amaze his future sibling-in-law with his intensive knowledge of Weird Science Facts

Pink and Blue - y’kno who’s nice? piers. optimal bro material. a lot of exhausted gay energy in this dude. this one is like. post-championship cup reader + hop just adopt this poor washed up man since they’re sad kids seeking guidance and he’s a sadder adult with too much time on his hands now that he isn’t a gym leader. sort of like, a ‘mentor who’s life is falling apart needs a new son’ sort of trope bc that’s pretty optimal. 

this got kinda lengthy but i do have more bc i have WIP Disease ™

K:  Do you have a guilty pleasures in fic (reading or writing)? idk how to actually define ‘guilty pleasure’ tbh. like. i like what i like and that’s all there is to it. x reader fanfic is a circus and i’m the ringmaster, bitch

Q: Do you like getting prompts from your readers? yes!! always!! i need to update my writing request page on my blog n maybe people will like. send me some dkfjhsgkjdhfg

V: Are there certain comments you’ve received on your stories that have stuck with you? its not a specific comment but ive been thinkin like. daily abt that guy who lovingly commented on 15/17 of my und*rtale fic collection despite it being very clearly abandoned for years. like. i still need to come up w a new chapter to thank em but i just dont have any un*ertale juice in my system rn 

Z: Is there a story you’ve written that doesn’t seem to get much love? not really tbh, like, i think out of the 5 fics i have on ao3 rn (fragmented, speechless, bad dialogue, my burden is light, day to day legends) they all have the expected amount of hits/kudos per their audiences. id really like some comments on ch1 of d2dl before i got ch2 posted but it doesn’t really bother me too much that there isnt any yet. its 1 chapter and it’s been only a week lol 

i also wish mbil had more comments but also the one hot fandom isn’t very large, the x reader one hot community is even smaller, and i havent updated that in like. a year dkfgjdhfg

[virgook]

welp...

 @taemptation-blr ...look…. i don’t know how this happens…. my thoughts sound a lot smaller in my head, but my fingers can’t seem to agree. lol 

~ jin’s reading ~

so with jin, and you’ve mentioned it before but he definitely has what i call “class clown syndrome.” which is sad to see bc how many times has the trope of the person who makes everyone else laugh is actually the saddest. 

i think jimin’s view on him was really nice. his full acceptance of jin is sweet and i wonder if jimin hopes to be able to love his brokenness and find beauty in it, the same way he can do for jin. 🤔😔

with jungkook (and i getting ahead of myself bc i’m adding a hint of jimin’s reading in this but….) i always perceived jimin and jin to be the closest or at least his favourite hyungs. but in your readings you mention in both that jungkook doesn’t seem to know how authentic each of them are. like he’s always trying to pinpoint who the real jin/jimin are and i was actually surprised by that. but otherwise jk’s thoughts on jin were really sweet and i think is really showcased in their dynamic. 

i also thought in your commentary where you said hobi sort of sees himself in jin as sooo accurate. of all the members i find those two the hardest (especially hobi) to decipher. especially bc they project their energetic, happy sides so often and seem pretty controlled in hiding their other sides that it’s hard to make any judgement. 

i (shocker) enjoyed it. i like seeing the different outlooks on jin since he is one of the more ~~mysterious~~ members i feel. plus, it’s a refreshing take compared to the countless jin = dad jokes + cooking + pink catch all descriptions i’ve seen before. so thank youuu for your efforts! 😻

~jimin’s reading~

as for jimin’s reading a blend namjoon, tae and jungkook’s (lol earth sign line) cards pretty much sum up how i see jimin most times. 

i remember watching a vlive he did maybe 3 years ago?? and just leaving it super annoyed bc i felt like i just wasted my time watching him fake his way through for maybe 95% of the live. the live was almost an hour long and from my memory (so i could be exaggerating) but he spent the majority of the live just staring at the camera and giving different looks and angles that he obviously knows will spark a positive (and thirsty) response. or he spent it repeatedly and worryingly saying he didn’t know what to say or do. and my ass is like… “you have a billion questions scrolling through your phone at this very moment. surely one of them is decent enough to answer and fill time with.” idk the ONLY time where i felt like he dropped his facade for a little bit was when he was trying to defend himself when someone brought up that hobi called him messy. and it sucks bc it was actually really nice seeing up loosen up for a moment before he went back to fake jimin. 

to me i just see him as someone who does a lot to project that he’s so close to fans when he really isn’t. sure at that time he posted the most on twitter and such but in the moment when he can’t edit or practice before hand what he gives fans is so hollow and superficial… 

lol i have a friend who is jimin biased and i told her jokingly that i think jimin is fake and she was a little defensive (although i don’t know if she realized it) but gave me the “he’s an idol of course he’s being a little fake” and i tried to explain that the vibes he can sometimes give off isn’t your typical idol fantasy/fan service thing… it’s deeper than that. lmaooo i even joked with her saying he’s made up of all air and scorpio how do you expect him to be genuine?? 

i’m rambling but yea, jimin isn’t the most authentic? i think he’s better than he was before but it can pop up sometimes. and his need for validation i think would annoy me if i knew him irl. (but lowkey i like external validation, i’m just not as forward about wanting it like jimin, which i honestly respect.) otherwise i do think he’s a good person and probably very nurturing once you’ve passed all his tests. 

and honestly i feel really bad for him bc i feel like is identity gets pulled so many directions from bighit, fans, and other sources we probably don’t know that it must really hard to find that centred and true self. i feel like so many people love when he’s one thing or the other, his duality between two ends (i.e angel/fairy jimin to demon/sexy jimin). there’s so much validation and positive reinforcement in being one or switching between the two ends that when he’s in that gray area it’s probably uncomfortable bc it doesn’t attract the same wave of positive reaction. i don’t know if that made sense but i hope he gets closer to finding his truth and living it authentically.

i feel like i veered off of this being about your reading but it clearly got me amped…. i’m going to chill out… take your time responding to this, it’s much more lengthy than i ever imagined… 😓😳

ok byeeeee for now ✨💖💫💖✨💖💫💖

[universal-kitty]

.: NatsuShio: The OC/Canon Ship That Ruined My Life :.

(In the Best Way)

@supernatural-cat98, get buckled in.

   Let’s start with how I started. An Okami OC.

   Her name is Shiori, but her full name is Shiorigami, a brush kami OC for the game Okami. Once an adoptable from DeviantArt, I made her into a fully-fleshed out character fit for the game. Sure, she’s an usual hybrid (nekotori; cat body, but with tail feathers like a small peacock), but she’s the kami of Poems and Literature. She’s got social anxiety and a thinly veiled reference to autism, as she is stunted to everyone, including her extensive family...but writing is where she blooms.

   Fiction, biographies, history, poems of all kinds... If it’s writing, she’s happy. It protects her and makes her happy, even when she fears she isn’t a good enough brush kami. Even if her powers are an inky echo of her mother’s.

   She once had short hair. She once loved a Lunarian named Kazuki... A scholar of the Moon Tribe, during a period of tension and war between his people and the Celestials... Shiori’s people. Despite it all, they truly did love each other, despite never admitting it out loud. He was gifted a scroll of poems he inspired her to write. He gave her a golden necklace- almost collar-like- with the symbol of the Moon Tribe engraved on the back.

   ...He would end up dying in a slaughter done by the evil the Moon Tribe had summoned. Those who fled to the mortal world to escape the war becoming the only survivors. Kazuki was gone...and left Shiori not only with a deep depression, but also with a fear to care for anyone who was mortal.

   Who could die and be ripped from her grasp, just like Kazuki had.

   Her hair grew out over the years (faceclaim: Suiren Shibazeki from Hibi Chouchou), protected by her mother to ease her pain of the death of the one she loved most...and in the years after the events of Okami, would stay either in her room on the Celestial Plain or occasionally live on the mortal world, in a small house to herself among a forest not too far from Ryoshima Coast.

   And so. It would be this starting point for a fateful meeting...

   Natsu Dragneel. Specifically, burningheartdragneel, my roleplay partner. (To my Shio, @goddessof-poems.) He met Amaterasu first, having somehow...gotten himself a little universe-lost. Befriending her was easy; both liking to fight, both loving to eat... It was easy for them.

   Yet he poses an interesting challenge for sweet, quiet Shiori. Little bookworm, easily forgets to eat at all, and isn’t much one for the adventuring scene, like her mother or Natsu.

   ...However, it’s because of her Natsu learns the joys of reading; specifically, an adventurous story of fiction Shiori had written some time before. He makes a small, but decent meal for the forgetful Shiori, ensuring she eats...and even motivates her to get out of her home, taking him to show off Ryoshima Coast and her own Water Tablet that Amaterasu gifted her.

   It’s our current roleplay and a still on-going one, but we came up with so much more as we talked over Discord. They will slow burn their way, but us? We know how the path goes....and we ended up falling in love with a pairing of our own creation.

ExoticGeneral: Ah gods I love this! Especially since Shiori isn't the kind to stop her work to eat or anything Natsu would at some point bring snacks with him and probably feed her (and he hardly likes sharing either) because somebodies is gonna have to be watching over her. But if he woke up with her all beside him, he'd be pretty flustered about it. Plus as an added bonus he always oddly warm, which makes for good cuddling in the winter/chilly days. :3c Yeah, he'd probably be more careful with her because even if she is a brush good she's just so fragile. He'd probably bond with her relatively easy though since he's always been a cat kinda guy? But yeah, demon hunting would be a big no-no while she was around. No need to try and scare her away. But I thought about that heat headcanon thing would be funny cause I can't see either making the first move ever! xD

Aki: Oh gosh, yeah. Shiori's the type for "skinny love" situations, where it's almost painfully obvious she loves the person, but if nobody acts on it, then it's this firm stalemate. Tbh, she'd likely only "confess" if he got really hurt and she was scared for him....but even then, it's confusing for the oblivious bc-?? Was that a confession? What if it wasn't????

ExoticGeneral: But god a confession like that would be hilarious cause it might just go over his head! He'd probably just grin like an idiot, being all like 'Thanks that means a lot' and playing it off as completely platonic possibly. He may be bold in everything else, but love is something he's actually insecure about considering his first girlfriend died, his mom, like three of his dads and his brother wants to murder him.

Aki: Ommmmggggg. She'd probably laugh a little and keep trying to tell herself it's better this way, bc like...... (And this is what kills me) She'd rather have a friend in him than nothing at all bc of rejection so she'd start spiraling down and try to keep upbeat even though she keeps thinking about it and getting guilty bc what if he only wants them to be friends???? What if he didn't like romance at all?? She doesn't want to push him away from her..... She'd rather suffer years of not having him love her back then lose him. (And re-reading this..... Ouch on the death of the first girlfriend. Shiori knows that pain.... Except slightly more painful that she also never confessed to the guy and lost him to the slaughter of the Moon Tribe.)

ExoticGeneral: AKI DONT They'd both end up suffering because they're shy potatoes who can't convey their feelings properly for the life of them! It wouldn't even get better cause she'd only start going down hill after a while and he'd more than likely notice but not realize he's the problem in a way and FUUUUUUCCCKKKK

Aki: HAHAHAHAHAA, YOU'RE TOO LATE; MY POWERS HAVE BEEN REALIZED She'd actually manage pretty well for awhile, being oblivious, but then the feelings would start and that very emotion would be her downfall. Because then what are you supposed to do when you want to hug your "friend" for no apparent reason and just...stay there? That you wouldn't mind if he stayed over all the time and got to sleep with him, because that's when the nightmares kept away from her? (And even if they did show up, he was there to comfort her...) She's an absolutely wreck after awhile and keeps spacing out and begins to screw up and she's like a black hole collapsing in on itself and it hurts so bad to watch

ExoticGeneral: STAHP YOURE HURTING MY SHIPPER HEART BEFORE THE SHIP ACTUALLY EXISTS That blackhole though, like how do you even fix that??? Because the closer you get to her the more it's probably hurting her and you could confess but getting closer is what caused it to progress. HOW DO YOU PROTECT YOUR SHIT WHEN YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!?!? Your making me emotional and it's only like 8 in the morning, I don't want to start my day sad already!

Aki: Shiori finally breaking down in front of Natsu though. Like, it was a little trip over a tree root or something and she says, "O-oh, n-no, I'm fine...." But Natsu's just-??? No you're not, you're crying. Why are you crying? What hurts?? And from there she starts bawling and Natsu is awkward but tries his best. He also has little to no idea what she's saying pass those sobs of hers, but oUCH PAIN EVERYWHERE. Then- awhoop- right out of that sobbing mess comes a pretty clear confession, whoo boy--

ExoticGeneral: But HOLY SHIT when a confession happens he'd get flustered. To the point of constant figgeting and just a permanent blush would cover his face. He'd probably end up staying silent, then just start crying and fuck me up. The first confession of his life??? hE WAS NOT READY FOR THIS BUT IS TOTALLY ACCEPTING OF THIS! She'd get to see an entirely new spectrum of him though when he gets all soft-hearted and actually reveals his romantic side???

Aki: Shiori's equally as flustered and waiting to please just collapse in on herself and cease existance....and then once she realized she didn't fuck things up, she's crying with him and so much affection????? Oh no, the cutes. Cutes everywhere. Also Shiori is a huge sap and she's going to love that. But now he has to deal with his cute new goddess gf blushing whenever he smooches even just her cheek. Or holds her hand. Or snuggles up to her..... When he breathes LMAO, Jk...~

ExoticGeneral: THem crying together. THat thought just gives me life cause they're just two mushy emotional destroyed people atm. Just I don't even know who would actually recover first at that point, maybe Natsu, and just give her the longest most affectionate hug he's got in him. This relationship ain't gonna last long, give it like a week and he'll probably die from a cute overload. He'd try to pamper her a bit (though he wouldn't know how really) and just take her out to star gaze and do some silly things. But holding hands??? Like that's really lewd ya know.

Aki: Yeeeaaaahhh, he probably would. Shiori's trying to calm down, but those silly tears won't stop~ But she'll still snuggle close when he hugs her and hug him back. AH. AAAAAAHHHHHH. Natsu coming back to her place after that little event and suddenly, her new greeting is, "Welcome home," with a bright smile. Natsu kneels tf over bc cHRIST DID HE JUST HAVE A HEARTATTACK?!?!?!??

   Oh yes. We had a LENGTHY talk about their confession... But is that all? Of course not!! We’ve also had conversations about...

   Sleeping habits:

Aki: Oh man, and if she woke up to that racing heart of his.... All sleepy and concerned and it's right out of a romance novel and someone help Natsu bc death is rapidly approaching

ExoticGeneral: And the thing is that's one of his quirks. Like his way of saying 'I think I like you' IS sleeping at there house a lot more often. TO the point where it's just an everyday exerpeince and it's only weird if he DOESN'T show up one night.

Aki: !!!! Natsu being late one night and he's surprised bc it's late as fuck but there's Shiori, obviously tired and ready for bed, but unable to sleep because she'd gotten used to sleeping with Natsu and his warmth. (He has to pull confidence and fake cheer before he's allowed to start dying in the darkness of her room; that was so fuckin' cute and she was holding onto that little cat plush and she looked so lonely jfc whAT THE FUCK that level of cute is illegal in all the states and all of the worlds and timelines, bYE)

ExoticGeneral: But I can totally see that! He just kinda pushes open her door and it's like 2 in the fucking morning. The conflicted feelings he must have though knowing that when he walks in there he's gonna suffer for a few hours or more but is like 'fuck ing worth it.'  (She needs to tone it down because if the guy who lives to fight wants to SNUGGLE then there's a problem. No one man, goddess or not, should be allowed to have so much power!)

Aki: She's just more than happy to see him bc dang it, she couldn't sleep without him...and the second she's comfy and curled up against him? Boop. Out like a light. (Plot twist: her real power is being cute as hell. Her cuteness so strong, who needs weaponry?? Flutter those lashes, tilt her head... If she has the ears and feather tails out? B y e. You're dead now. Sorry, don't make the rules.)

ExoticGeneral: JEEz THOUGH! Not being able to sleep without him! Now all of a sudden he becomes like a necessity for a proper nights sleep, or any at all really. (But that's one way to competely get to him. Sexy? Pfffft, he can ignore that most of the time. Cute, fucking slay him okay? Just 'Here lies Natsu, rest in pieces' and fuck she's a cutie!)

Aki: I mean.... He could be a mean little one and let her pass out once it becomes too much, but there's also the huge implication that Natsu actually sorta gets her on a sleep schedule?? Something she usually doesn't have at all???? When Natsu's getting snuggled up in the futon, it basically becomes a sign of, "Oh, time to stop for today and sleep." Reverse alarm clock, Natsu is. Getting a certain poetry goddess to bed rather than waking her up (or keeping her up, as is). (Shiori perfected the cute ability. Cute traits that'd be passed down for generations. Flirting-but-not-flirting, the ultimate technique. How will poor Natsu ever survive?!?)

   Dinners with Mom Amaterasu:

Aki: Meet the parents? More like, "Forget that formal stuff! Let's go out and eat dessert before dinner!!!!" Because Ammy doesn't really do formal anymore and why not just....use the time for the better?? Like eating???? Not to mention, then she can embarrass the two like, "Now you gotta feed each other. Do it, do it, do it~!!" Ammy is a gr8 mom, as you can tell

ExoticGeneral: Well I don't think it could happen. I think Ammy and natsu met because he tried pelting her with water ballons. There is no need to be formal after that! But I can see Ammy rigging everything somehow. Just like ordering milkshakes for all three but 'accidentally' forgets one so she gets a whole one while Natsu and shiori share. with coincidentally two staws.

Aki: "Hmmmm, would you look at that.... Strange." Casually drinks at her own like NBD--  And that's true!!! No formality exists here; there's only the two dorks and the shy poet, who's more than happy to be the little side-line cheerleader for their antics. (Unless they're questionable. Then she's worried and trying to get them off of the idea. Probably crit. hits Natsu by being cute.)

  The time I almost wrote in our RP that Shiori was gonna kiss his cheek....and they’re not even CLOSE to dating, oh boy:

Aki: .....It suddenly occurs to me that I want an aesthetic made of NatsuShio.............

ExoticGeneral: I'm laughing. This isn't a pairing (Yet) and you're like grabby hands

Aki: Hey. Hey. Compare this to the time I almost wrote in Shio kissing Natsu's cheek waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too early, and a little aesthetic ain't that bad~

ExoticGeneral: You know if you had wrote that slip up I would have went along with it too. It would have been a hilarious mess.

Aki: LMAO. Even Shiori would be confused like, "......I have never before in my LIFE ever done that.... Why did I do that now?!?" This is the Sims and I am the tru god and their lives are my pLAYTHINGS

ExoticGeneral: He would have stopped everything for a solid 5 minutes then continue like it didn't happen. If you don't react it's like it never happened, right? I mean that's how we do it anyways. We make them suffer cause it's fun

Aki: Plot twist, though...... Isn't even freezing considered a reaction?! So by freezing he thinks he didn't react, but the act of freezing up is a reaction in itself......!! YOU'VE BEEN PLAYED, NATSU!!! They aren't suffering yet, buuuuut..... All in due time

   Memes, of course:

ExoticGeneral: Ammy: So do you and Shio call each other pet names? Natsu: Pfffft! No! Of course not! Ammy: What do bees make then? Natsu:....Honey? Shio, from the other room: Yeah, sweetie? Ammy: Don't you ever lie to my face again.

Aki: tHIS WOULD HAPPEN, F U CK-- I AM LOSING IT

   And the moment we acknowledged how we know this ship was The One; our OTP forever and always: (featuring the best rant I’ve ever written for this ship)

ExoticGeneral: It's literally freaking insane how you just start having ten billions of ideas running through you're head! Like okay time to put then through some angst hell, then recovery fluff, little slice of life, smooches and some bonding/ development??? Like Im getting way too far ahead of myself here??? But the ideas/drabbles keep on rolling anyway. This is how you know this is the one.

Aki: Yes!!! And like.... Honestly, I pride myself on doing "realistic" stuff? Having my characters contradict themselves sometimes, do something that would hurt....cause humans are like that. Hell, it's why I also brazenly went for Shiori's emotional breakdown when she heard the news that all Lunarians had died..... Including her dear Kazuki.  Being able to imagine and know how that breakdown went in my head, where nothing she tried worked, until she went crawling back to her mother to grant her wish to not exist...take the pain away......  Boi. B o i. When it comes to big time storywriting, I get hELLA AMPED. I'm ready to show them every corner of the world, good or bad. Perfection or deep flaws. Give me that angst where they will realize that it hurts, but having someone to hurt with makes the pain ease a little. It doesn't fix everything, but having those assuring words and someone who cares deeply makes it harder to be upset. Let them have those slice of life days where Shiori wakes up in bed for once, stomach not aching or feeling like a void, and ready to start a new day. Have him drag her out to explore and shake up her old, rigid life. Let them, in the future, kiss and hug and wonder why....but know that if waiting so long meant finding love and getting it this right, then it was worth the wait. Let them develop so much, that we look back to where we started and cackle with joy, cause they friggen made it. Wow, a sappy rant from me, yEEHAW

ExoticGeneral: Damn right sister! Preach it! Like sometimes I just sit there with some bsckground music on and its so fitting that you just throw out 20 paragraphs like no problem. I just need those days with them where they argue over something little and it gets so blown out of proprtion and convoluted that they just forget what is was about? Just random nights of stargazing then falling asleep? Or literally doing nothing and either of them thinks of their s/o and gets super flustered for no reason? The day they actually become a couple but still trains his tush off and shio doesnt ask how he got strong, but why he did cause heckie is that gonna be one wild ride of a story. But the simple, final answer is to  protect her. Not because she's the daughter of Ammy, but because he failed to do so with his dad and elder brother and doesn't want to lose her too. Like I want weakness that comes with trust? Fear that comes with love? But also the fulfilling satisfaction of contentness. That you wouldn't trade this for anything else, its a unique feeling that only they can deliver. Ya feel?

Aki: Right??? Good heavens, mention music and now I need to go look up Shio's number one mood music........ Can't think Shio romance (especially where it's "skinny love") without remembering the song, sO-- Right?? Well, more likely her trying to fight back but she angry cries and just gets frustrated and shuts down. Won't talk. Won't feed the flames anymore with replies, but doesn't seek peace, either. It's a night where it alternates between dead silence in the home once more or quiet, strained sobs of someone who's already used to being hurt; she's just finding it harder to keep that pain quiet.    But it's..... It's home. More than it's ever been. From a family she couldn't quite connect with some days, to her own home all to herself... A place her own and where her life fit.    Last thing she would've ever expected is to find- in many ways- her opposite....and yet someone she'd find herself falling for all the same. Where it's funny to imagine her home used to be quiet and peaceful. Now there's some training dummies outside and even if he strays from home, she can hear him making noises out not too far away. There's footsteps of another person in her home now. This home....it's his home, too.    Something they're both happy to have. Company, understanding, and just.... An imbalance that makes it a balance by not being perfect.    She slows him down. He speeds her up.    They learn something from each other.    It hurts sometimes. His life will likely be long....but to what length? Will it end? Does she want to know? Should she ask?    And understanding what her mother saw in mortals from that.... Just because they cannot match in eternal age, doesn't make it all any less. The memories shared? Still memories made. Love was still had and wasn't it sweet? To love someone so completely, to have fought and made up, loved and lost...    It's scarier when it's you who can be hurt; this isn't watching someone's life play out like a movie. This is her life now and his and theirs together and it breaks her heart to know she could potentially lose him, but..... He's going to teach her so much. And she would understand what her mother does.    He'll be loved all the more for it.

ExoticGeneral: I literally have absolutely no words for this. I cant believe you would make me cry like this at midnight. This was the most hurtful, true, heartfelt yet heartbreaking thing I've read. I freaking forgot you did poetry is you spare time like holy.

   ...They just. Work together. It’s the perfect “opposites attract” relationship while still maintaining a balance between who they are alone and what their relationship is. The bolster of inspiration and motivation that they get from each other... He motivates her to leave the house more (often with him on a little adventure) and gives her that experience. As said, she slows him down and gets him to read more. Even try writing for himself, writing Shiori a small poem that he [slams down onto her desk and runs off in a hurry] gives her.

   Broadening their horizons with each other. The support and pure affection and how they do their best in their own ways to support each other... It’s perfect. Made a home in our hearts. And we sure wouldn’t want it any other way.

   As a final note... Have one more silly little meme we came up with:

Aki: So I'm re-reading our chat [again] and I just thought of this...... Natsu: I live to fight, so Imma take you down!!! Shiori, in her sleepy-whiny voice: Natsuuuu...... I wanna cuddle.... Natsu, already leaving: .......Someone else lives to fight and will take you down!!!

ExoticGeneral: You know that old saying goes, he who runs away lives to fight another day I'm glad I'm the only who just goes back and re-reads this entire message board of gross romance and heartbreak

   So yes, ship NatsuShio. Your heart will thank you...after it dies for 2 hours because of the angst that tails this ship in bittersweet flavors.

[starkerforlife6969]

REPLYING TO ANON MESSAGES 

This is another lengthy reply to all those lovely messages so I don’t spam you! Once again, no prompts filled here- they would be separate posts, so if you’re waiting on a fill, i promise it’ll come through eventually XD All you need to know is there will be a part 4 to the Mafia AU with Starker, Winterspider, Spidershield and Strange x Peter. It’ll be about two weeks but it is happening and I’ll let you all know! Keep sending me amazing ideas and being as gorgeous and wonderful as always. 

1) So um I was the person that randomly confessed to you the other day and I sent another ask to confirm that it was indeed you who I was massively crushing on and you were thinking it might be another blog,no it’s 100% you.Idk what tumblr did to that ask I feel like it disappeared but I just wanted to make sure that you know it was you bc how can you even doubt someone could be crushing on you I literally feel like Peter in every starker fic ever when he sees Tony whenever I see your username im-

Hello, gorgeous! Yes, I did get your other message but i’m so sorry I didn’t reply! It’s been so hectic and I’ve been travelling :(( but i am so flattered. I don’t know why because i am certain you could have anyone with how kind you are. You are the sweetest thing ever and you are such a darling I cannot even deal with it. You can message me whenever you like, or stay anonymous if you feel more comfortable <3, but there’s no need to be nervous, honeybee! IM NERVOUS because i can never ever live up to your adorableness hahaha. Stay as beautiful as I know you are! xxx 

2) @thebadthingshappen: I just wanted to say that your writing is really amazing and a great inspiration as someone who wants to start writing starker. I always look forward to your updates and appreciate the time and effort you put into everything. If you ever need someone to talk to or bounce ideas off of I’m here and my inbox is always open. :D

First, um, I love your username so hard. I read it entirely in Peter’s voice. Second, this is the sweetest thing ever oh my gosh. I ALWAYS WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO so I’d love to message you!!!! The next time I’m stuck for ideas i’ll come and spam you! Or you can message me whenever ;) x

3) ConstructionWorkerTony-anon here. Just... Thank you! 💕💕💕 that was great :)

NO THANK YOU. I’m so happy you liked it, because I know I added a bunch of kinks you didn’t ask for and I got worried but -yay!!!! 

4) @hunka-munka OMG I JUST FINISHED READING YOUR MAFIA STARKER FIC AND I AM IN LOOOOOOOVEEEEE omg omg I'm going through so many emotions 🙈first off I adooooooore how you wrote bucky I squealed in every scene he was in lol that ending for the 3rd part slaayyyyyed me are you planning on doing a 4th part??? I absolutely love the different dynamics between Peter and the rest of the characters it's so much fun to read about. Sorry for the long ask aaaaahhh i just needed to scream about it!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS MADE MY WHOLE DAY. Ahhhhhh, you are so sweet!!! I am planning a fourth part! It’s pretty much planned (and you will have more bucky, you precious bean) but it’s going to take a while to write cuz my classes start back up again :(( I’ll let you know when it’s out though! (should be about 2 weeks!) 

5) @hoe4parker I JUST READ THE THIRD PART OF THE MAFIA FIC W BUCKY AND STEVE AND TONY AS PETER’S DADDIES AND IT WAS SO SO SO GOOD

Yeah, I don’t deserve you, let’s be real. You guys are all so frickin kind I can’t even deal with it. 

6) Oh my god!!!!!! Mild social anxiety anon here to tell you that part 3 is amazing!!!!

*sobs with appreciation* honey!!!!! I can get mild social anxiety sometimes too, and you are so amazing and AHHHH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, this put a huge smile on my face!!!! 

7) Ahhhh.... Part 3 was excellent!... I kind of wish Steve and Bucky had a thing and at some point they kiss (just a loving kiss... or fuck you know, whatever) and Peter see's it and gets sad or maybe he had a bad day and Tony's somewhere and he just wanted to get home and fuck or cuddle one of them and then he see's that and he's jealous. That'd be fun. I'm such a sucker for angst and conflict... and hate-fucking. Great stuff xd Seriously, I love this series though... -🦊

Honey, I’m sorry I’m answering this in this section because that means it won’t get filled :(( but that’s only because I’ll ship peter with everyone, and even though i think steve and bucky is the cutest thing ever, I just don’t write them very well :(( IM SORRY HONEY that being said, i love angst and conflict too, so maybe there’ll be some more of that sometime!!!! thank you so much foxy, for your lovely comments seriously, they made me so happy. 

8) The Mafia Boss Tony Part 3 was stunning and for some reason the very end was funny to me... I think it's cause I have PTSD and still get panic attacks and occasionally pass out from them but they're acting like he died. And my head is just like 'Guys. Calm the fuck down. Put some actual clothing on the kid so he's warm enough. Lie him down. Yes, have someone in there to check his breathing. He's gonna be a little disoriented... but he's not dead guys... calm the hell down'. It's brilliant XD

Dude, I died laughing XD I get panic attacks sometimes (very mild and no ptsd, but you do and ahhhh I was so scared you were gonna say I messed it up but you didn’t and you’re so sweet!!! And honey, I’m sorry you have them :( but i know you’re strong and amazing <3) and they do overreact so much but it’s like my god awful attempt at drama hahaha, thank you so much for this comment, it honestly made me so happy. 

9) Is there going to be a fourth mafia au? I’m in love with the ones have posted ❤️❤️ 

YES THERE WILL BE BECAUSE LOVELY PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE SO ENCOURAGING 

10) MAFIA PART 3 OH MY GOD im :(( abt peter like i want my babey safe and feelin good awh ((also i love your writing sm ur so good))

seriously. I don’t deserve you. you guys are all gonna get such good karma with all the positivity you put out into the world. I’m so happy you enjoyed it! x PS, Peter will be feeling good, hahaha, he’s gonna get spoilt rotten by everyone. 

10)  @aggressively-precious AYE part two of your mafia AU is a goddamn GIFT you're my hero xo

YOU are a gift, seriously. thank you for existing and bringing joy into my life. 

11) this fandom is full of talented and sweet people, I'm so thankful for having y'all really. have a nice day love ❤

*sobs* it really is! thank YOOUUUU 

[labyrinthus-magici]

🔥!!!

Was looking at my muse list to think of something that stood out but since I couldn’t pick one I’ll just go w something that affects a lot of them but anyway like 

As an autistic person I personally thing the large majority of the magi/snb cast is autistic coded! The fandom as a whole (although it’s not just the magi fandom tbf it’s kind of all of them I’ve been in) ignores that a lot! 

I have seen autistic Judar before which is VALID but it’s really frustrating when Judar and Morgiana are the only two you see (and Mor as an afterthought) bc they’re the ones with the more “stereotypical” traits (i.e Judar being antisocial/struggling with empathy which is probably due to trauma and not even his autism considering that. studies show that it’s allistic people who lack empathy for autistic people usually and not the other way around but I digress!) and I’ve been told that other characters who are autistic coded can’t be bc they’re like idk??? competant lmfao??? I don’t get when allistic people say a character can’t be autistic bc im like lmao good to know you know every autistic experience and trait! Maybe you can educate me on my own disorder that you don’t have bc you clearly know so much about it that you couldn’t possibly be overlooking something! 

Anyway my muses that I intentionally play as autistic and some of their main traits are bellow the cut bc it’s lengthy (The others I’m probably going to accidentally autistic code bc I. am autistic and it affects my writing but ahiodfhg)

Morgiana: Mor is a pretty obvious one, although I do love her autistic coding! So like most of these characters but with Mor esp you have to keep in mind that she canonly has c-ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder but when it’s not a single traumatic event but living long term in a traumatic environment such as an abusive home or any other variation) so that affects how many of her autistic traits present themselves. I do think that she’s become very good at masking (i.e hiding autistic traits) due to them being punished and because of that she is exhausted because masking is very taxing. I think that she started to unlearn this considerably once she joined the caravan with Leila’s encouragement but it was subtle bc while she did become close with Leila and Sahsa she didn’t open up entirely. 

Once she gets to Sindria though and starts opening up I think that she’ll relax a lot because she can see others with the same traits who don’t have to hide them. Masrur especially points out that it’s important for her to stim and because she’s not the only one who deos this, everyone is understanding and accommodating at times when she’s non verbal/not able to speak.  

One thing that really stood out to me about Mor is her hyperempathy. Because she doesn’t talk much, it’s hard for some people to pick up on, but Morgiana often has strong feelings of empathy for others. At first this is something that she struggles with, because it’s something that others have taken advantage of and used to hurt her, and because she’s afraid of her emotions as a whole. Later though, she learns that this can be her strength. Morgiana’s most powerful moments (in my opinion) like when she rescued Nadja, when she confronts Alibaba about the consequences of what the fog troupe is doing, and many other instances, are very emotionally charged. She’s also the first to empathize with the pirates that Madaura has brainwashed, and is able to get the others to empathize with them too. 

Morgiana was my first favorite magi character (the reason I even got into magi in the first place tbh) bc it was so empowering to see someone with many of my traits in an empowering role of a hero because of those traits and not just with them as an afterthought! 

Masrur: I’m going to focus on snb just because that’s what I’m more familiar with as I haven’t read the parts of magi that Masrur is spotlighted in in a long time although honestly all of this stuff applies to Masrur later but it presents itself differently because whilst autistic people never grow out of their traits, just like anything in a person, it changes and becomes more nuanced as a person gets older and gets more experience. 

But Masrur is another autistic coded character! A lot of his traits can technically be explained away by canon/plot details however in this house we don’t  think that because there’s technically an argument against autistic headcanons that it’s at all valid so ANYWAY 

To start we have the way he sees himself as different from others, the way he goes to sit by himself because he feels like he can’t fit in with everyone, how he’s not like them, how he’s just a monster with a single purpose that’s already been fulfilled. Normally, I wouldn’t count this exactly as an autistic trait however Hinahoho is the one that comes to talk to him because he can relate to this experience which is autistic coded so! One thing that’s a common experience in autistic people is feeling quite literally inhuman, usually in the form of an alien, fairy, or fictional character (as it was in my case). This is becuase of the isolation that we normally face in childhood. For Masrur, he feels different from the others, like who he is isn’t someone that would be wanted and that’s something that I can relate to quite strongly. It’s not until he comes to the Sindria trading company, a place full of Neurodivergent coded characters (the ones that aren’t autistic coded are coded as other disorders as well such as ADHD and BPD among others I don’t think there’s actually one person  there who’s neurotypical considering that. The entire theme of the Sindria trading company is that they take in people who are outcasts and in need of help and usually those people tend to be ND.) that he comes to realize that he does belong and that he is valued. 

In addition to that we do see him stimming or doing stim like behaviors at times, he sometimes is talkative and others seems mostly or entirely non verbal, he tends to misunderstand social queues, struggles with subjects that he’s not interested in, etc. 

I think it’s super important to take into account Masrur’s autistic coding because Masrur gets to be HAPPY. Like, yes, he does experience a lot of traumatizing things, but by the end of Magi he still has his family, he’s happilly married and a good father. These are things that people think autistic people can’t have or don’t deserve, and we never get to experience this things in character’s that are canonly autistic. So for me seeing an autistic coded character with such a positive development was something really positive, it’s the same way for a lot of these characters, seeing so many autistic coded characters getting the development that the deserved was what drew me to magi inittially if I’m perfectly honest. I didn’t know it at the time bc I had no idea I was autistic until last year (coincidentally from autistic friends also from this fandom!) but it really was what drew me in. 

Hinahoho: Oh God where do I even START with autistic icon Hinahoho? I think, out of any snb characters Hinahoho is the most heavily autistic coded. Like there is literally no other explanation for his character I can think of whenever I see him I get so happy bc I’m like!!! Yes!!!! Autistic dad!!! I love him!!!  

His backstory first and foremost focuses on his separation from the rest of the people in his tribe because he has unconventional interests (art!!) and that he isn’t able to pass the test and become and adult at the proper time. To start, being a “late bloomer” in things (or alternatively doing things too soon in some cases) is a common autistic experience. A lot of us due to many reasons (mostly due to ableism and lack of accommodations) we aren’t able to do the things that our peers do at the same times like drive, attend college, or move out of the house etc. This isn’t a lack of competence just that we aren’t able to go about things in a way that we are able to thrive in, and this is exactly what Hinahoho’s development highlights! He never does pass the warrior’s test in the way that is most traditional, instead Sinbad (whose an Adhd ND icon if you ask me but I haven’t added him to my muse list yet so aidofhg more on him and the other adhd icons in this series later ahidofhg) mentions how there’s multiple ways to be strong, how he doesn’t have to do things the same way as everyone else to be worth something. 

There’s also the ableism that he faces from others in his tribe. In addition to judging him for not having become a warrior yet, he is bullied by others and treated like a child when he shouldn’t be. The others are so unkind to him for being “different” and “weird” and having “a personality like a fish left to dry” (WHATEVER THAT’S EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN LMAO I STILL DONT GET IT) that in his introduction he starts sobbing bc Sinbad said thank you to him like. Like God can I relate to this, honestly his experiences though not exactly the same as my own deeply resemble how I was before I found out that I’m autistic. 

Then, after he learns to love and accept himself and marries Rurumu (Oh!! That’s another thing, people acted like he was unlovable but Rurumu always loved him. He never had to change who he was or mask his autistic traits and that’s SO important because honestly I can’t even imagine someone who isn’t also autistic wanting me romantically especially when I see shit about people taking autistic people to homecoming and calling it “inspiring” and “selfless” and a “learning experience”) he then turns around and teaches others to do the same. I noticed that he becomes very close to both Drakon and Masrur who are both autistic coded and he helps teach them to love themselves like??? LIKE???? and with Masrur he literally points out that he can empathize so points for hyperempathy again. I’m loving how many magi characters have hyperempathy that is ultimately good. Bc it’s usually a weakness in character’s that have it. 

Drakon: Honestly once again idek where to start when his entire development is deeply autistic coded but we’ll start with his backstory. So to start there’s the power imbalance between him and his (neurotypical) siblings. Whilst he is the youngest, I think that the reason that he’s unfavored in the family and is the one always catching shit is because he’s autistic. This is something that happens so often is that when an autistic child has allistic siblings the allistic one is favored or if not favored they definetely get treated better because autistic children are particularly vulnerable and easy to manipulate. With Drakon’s childhood, although again the circumstances in my case aren’t exactly the same, I really am seeing my past self. 

He was from a young age branded as a prodigy, told he was already basically an adult even though he was still a child, and this is so common with autistic children who show a semblance of talent in something. However, he isn’t praised for this in a healthy encouraging way, instead he’s given the responsibilities and expectations of an adult already. In addition to that, he is conditioned to mask his autistic traits, in addition to being taught to devote his entire self to his cause. The fact that he internalized everything so deeply that he had a breakdown when he realized that he wasn’t wanting to die for his cause, that he thought he had to follow everything to the letter all the way down to his deepest feelings, is in my opinion an autistic trait as I showed exactly the same traits for other matters, internalizing things at the same intensity. He social scripts quite a bit, meaning that he has a strong sense of “this is how things SHOULD be so if they AREN’T this way then everything is in RUINS and we have to fix it IMMEDIATELY” he has the roles he’s been given and he strongly believes that everyone else has a role. This does become far more healthy once he’s unlearned the toxic things that he was taught but he still does it, but in a healthy way. Everyone has a role to fulfill, and he’s strict about this, when people aren’t doing what they’re supposed to be becomes irritable and struggles to keep functioning as normal. 

Then there’s the fact that his entire development is learning as a teenager that he’s become a monster, literally in this case, learning that he is hated so much that he resolves to leave his humanity behind, only to gain love and acceptance and learn to love himself in the form that he takes. While I don’t think every monster is autistic coded (as that would be problematic for obvious reasons) developments like this resemble our experiences so well? It’s a perfect metaphor for what it’s like, honestly. 

One reason I think that it’s important for me personally to acknowledge Drakon’s autistic coding is because he’s a strong leader and people think that autistic people cannot be leaders, that we’re incompetent. So to see a character with my traits be someone noble, to become king even, and to thrive is something super positive for me because again it’s something that people think we cannot do that we cannot have but we really can. 

Leila, Sahsa, & Nadja: With these three it’s mostly projecting just because we don’t see enough of them for them to really be that autistic coded HOWEVER tis my blog and you get to hear all my hcs asdfgh. I like to hc these three as autistic 1. bc Leila and Sahsa’s relationship is beautiful, and to contextualize that as a romance between two autistic women is really nice for me who as I mentioned before struggles to ever see myself having a love like that. 2. Leila and Sahsa take to Morgiana and encourage growth in her and I like the idea of them helping her to relax a little on hiding her autistic traits. 3. Because as an autistic person it’s difficult for me to interpret characters as not autistic (where not autistic is other’s defaults for me autistic is the default, so it would be more accurate for me to say I have some allistic headcanons rather than autistic ones lmao) I actually started headcanoning Leila as autistic by accident because I wrote a fic where she had a shutdown (which is when there’s too much stimulants i.e sound or sights etc. and we have to go lay down and rest and shut out the stimulants that are bothering giving us sensory overload.) and was like oh!! Time to make both her and Sahsa autistic bc who’s gonna stop me lmao. 

Also one headcanon I have for Nadja (in addition to her joining Leila and Sahsa’s caravan with her family) is that after Morgiana rescued her she developed a special interest in adventure and heroism which is really cute on one hand bc she always wants to learn stories of heroes from the locals of the places they visit and her parents are like aw she’s talkative sometimes! She’s making friends!!! But on the other hand she tags along on Leila and Sahsa’s “oops lmao just fought an entire band of thieves again” adventures and is that “Let me see what you have!” “A KNIFE!!” “NO!!!” vine so ahidfohg be careful u fuckin superb lil baby. 

Myron: Hers is a bit shorter since we don’t have a whole lot of her in canon, but her strict following of perceived social standards and social scripting makes me headcanon her as autistic. I also like the idea of her being autistic because so often people think that we can’t be proper or socially conscious but more often than not we overcompensate, the deal is that we struggle to understand neurotypical social cues not that we hate socializing. 

Titus: Oh man I shouldn’t have put him so far down on my muse list bc this one is going to be lengthy. There’s a reason whenever I info dump about my son to people that I always call him Autistic Gay Icon Titus Alexius.  

I’ll start with the fact that he struggles in social settings, i.e Sphintus thinking he’s so fuckin awkward at first. (Even tho I hc Sphintus as autistic too but like I said autistic is the default for me ahidfg) He has a special interest in magic, evidently, and is very info dumpy about it as times (though not as much as notable autistic icons Yamuraiha and Ugo). Also his best friends are Sphintus and autistic adhd icon Aladdin so like. Convenient. that the three most autistic coded kids at school becomes besties. asdfgh. Also none of the 4 magi are allistic tbh. 

ANYWAY that aside and glossing over the whole separation he feels from the others (which I could go into length but it’s similar to Drakon and Masrur’s and Hinahoho’s deal and this is getting so long already oof) can we just talk about how fucking POSITIVE his Hyper-Empathy is for his character and the story? 

Okay so like. Let’s start with the 5th district, how after just a little while there he immediately jumped into action with LMAO TIME TO BLOW A HOLE IN THE SKY IM BUSTING EVERYONE OUT LADS. Like. Was it dumb? Yes. Was it noble and valid? YES! And he STILL SHOWED UP TO CLASS READY TO FIGHT THE NEXT DAY. He also tried to call out Mogamett how many times? And still stood his ground with the 5th district, even when Mogamett tried to manipulate him by saying he only cared out of his selfish desire to befriend Marga, he immediately analyzed himself critically and came to the conclusion that no, he really just wanted everyone there to be safe and happy. 

Then, when he goes to Reim and Just. Hhhhhh HE’S SO GOOD. AND HE HAS SO MUCH EMPATHY. The fact that he immediately begins changing things, is firm in that, but his main motivation is that he so desperately wants everyone to be safe and to live happily, the fact that his people’s problems are by extension his own because he feels real pain when others feel it. That’s hyper empathy and though it’s something that can be manipulated he doesn’t let that happen, he uses it for good! 

When he gives his speech about why they need to abolish slavery in Reim asap, he begins to cry and exclaims that any one of them could die tomorrow, that they need to priooritize the people that are in the now who are suffering that they have the power to help their people and to liberate their country and appeals to everyone’s emotions that way and breaks through. Also the other changes he makes?? Like making the Colosseum into a LARPing spot? That’s so fucking good? What a nerd? I love him???? 

I can go into more detail with Titus but for time reasons I won’t but. We stan Autistic Gay Icon Titus Alexius here. 

If you read all of this I love you sm thank you for reading this rambly mess. ahdiogfg 

[alwaysfirst]

'Crazy Rich Asians' star Constance Wu reveals she attempted suicide after 2019 social media backlash

Jul 15, 2022 04:25 IST Washington , July 15 (AF): Constance Wu, best known for her role in 'Crazy Rich Asians', has revealed that she attempted suicide after facing social media backlash a few years ago. On Thursday, Constance took to Twitter and penned a lengthy letter to fans revealing she almost lost her life in 2019, Page Six reported. "Hi everybody. I haven't been on social media in almost 3 years. Tbh, I'm a little scared, but I'm dipping my toe back in to say I'm here and while I was gone I wrote a book called 'Making a Scene'. This next part is hard to talk about...but I was afraid of coming back on social media because I almost lost my life from it: 3 years ago, when I made careless tweets about the renewal of my TV show, it ignited outrage and internet shaming that got pretty severe," she posted. "I felt awful about what l'd said, and when a few DMs from a fellow Asian actress told me l'd become a blight on the Asian American community, I started feeling like I didn't even deserve to live anymore. That I was a disgrace to AsAms , and they'd be better off without me. Looking back, it's surreal that a few DMs convinced me to end my own life, but that's what happened," she added. Constance said that a friend stepped in to save her. "Luckily, a friend found me and rushed me to the ER. It was a scary moment that made me reassess a lot in my life. For the next few years, I put my career aside to focus on my mental health. AsAms don't talk about mental health enough," the "Hustlers" star explained. "While we're quick to celebrate representation wins, there's a lot of avoidance around the more uncomfortable issues within our community. Even my tweets became a subject so touchy that most of my AsAm colleagues decided that was the time to avoid me or ice me out," she added.In 2019, Wu reacted in frustration to ABC's renewal of the sitcom Fresh Off the Boat, in which she starred. She tweeted: "So upset right now that I'm literally crying. Ugh. F**k" and "F**king hell." When another user congratulated her, calling the renewal "great news", Wu replied, "No it's not." She later explained that her response was not a reflection of her attitude toward the sitcom, but rather disappointment because its renewal meant she had to pass on a play she'd hoped to do. "I was temporarily upset yesterday not bc I hate the show but bc its renewal meant I had to give up another project that I was really passionate about," she wrote on Twitter. "So my dismayed social media were more about that other project and not about FOTB." (AF) Read the full article

[barbariansatthegates]

Reading Recs

I’m always slowly working through another book, and have gotten through some so far in my personal quest to understand my favorite barbarians. Here’s a list and my opinions on them (below the cut to preserve your dashboard). Also, feel free to reblog, or tag this with relevant books you’ve read yourself!

The Fall of the Roman Empire: A New History of Rome and the Barbarians by Peter Heather

TL;DR: this is right up your alley if you love complexity and foreign relations, but be prepared to nod off sometimes. 

This book is a little lengthy, but delivers exactly what it promises. If you’re already interested in Roman history, this book is a great jumping-off point for going into the world of barbarians (in this case, the Germanics and the Huns). It’s chock-full of important events, people, and insight into the relationship between the Romans and their barbarian neighbors on both a military and a cultural level. The book also comes with plenty of maps to help visualize these events. My one criticism of it is that, while Heather is unquestionably intelligent, his passion (for me) is kind of lost in the midst of his facts and reasoning. It can make getting through the book a bit of a chore sometimes. 

The End of Empire: Attila the Hun and the Fall of Rome by Christopher Kelly

TL;DR: if you like Attila the Hun and the Romans you will love this book. 

About half the size of the above book, this one is much easier to get through. Yet it still offers just about everything you would want to know about the Huns, not only through the perspective of the Romans, but through the evidence they left behind. Where Heather lacks archaeology Kelly uses it in bounds, accompanied by images and diagrams. With a more focused direction, Kelly is able to flesh everything out. Passion for me is important in a history book, and I got a better impression of this from Kelly than from any other author on this list that I’ve read so far. 

Chronicles of the Barbarians by David Willis McCullough

TL;DR: it’s fun to read the voices of ancient authors and this will be a good history accessory. 

Assigning the book to a single author is misleading. While McCullough does the grunt work, and lays out helpful introduction to each segment as well as a very useful timeline, the bulk of the book is actually a compilation of firsthand (as the full title suggests) accounts from various classical authors pertaining to each group of barbarians. The discussed groups are predominantly European with the major exception being the Mongols. This book amounts to being a great reference to have for all of these authors (Herodotus, Tacitus, Julius Caesar, etc.) in one place with just the sections that pertain to barbarians. I highly recommend it to have in your collection, with the caveat that it isn’t your main source of information. 

Germania by Tacitus

TL;DR: hear it from the horse’s (Roman’s) mouth. 

A segment of Germania is included in the above book, but if you only care about the Germanics, here it is. It surprised me by being a lot shorter than I thought it would be. Nevertheless it’s helpful in terms of being a brief glimpse at the Germanics from the Roman perspective around 100 AD/CE. Tacitus levies an arguably measured opinion, compared to other commentators of his era.

The Peoples of Europe: The Huns by E. A. Thompson 

TL;DR: get this book if you want a lot of info and insight about the Huns. 

Part of a series, The Huns is a well-thought-out book with a fantastic table of contents to reference (some books fail hugely at this, which always makes reading them that much harder) that goes all the way from theories about their origins to the dissolution of Attila’s empire. To its credit, the book focuses the most out of any other I’ve seen about the Huns to try and talk about them before Attila, and also their daily lives under Attila. A major boon in this book is its first chapter, “Sources”, where the author critically examines the few places we get our information on the Huns from. It’s refreshing to see someone take the time to really scrutinize how we know what we know and what problems there may be. 

The Germanic People: Their Origins, Expansion, and Culture by Francis Owen

TL;DR this book is stressful and outdated; but read it for the last half of the book, which is about their culture.

I got it on a whim from a vintage bookstore, and the fact that it’s from the 1960s really shows (especially in the first few chapters, where he tries his hand at whitewashing and ethnocentrism). It’s sorely disorganized and very confusing, and when it comes to Germanic history, he never really answers the questions you hope he will. That being said, I found this book useful on the topic of Germanic culture once I’d conquered the ugly half. Owen relies a lot on the Germanic epics (Beowulf, Edda, etc) and also on middle age Icelandic culture for what the Germanics of Europe must have been like before they partially Romanized and settled in kingdoms, but this reliance makes sense in light of the explanation he gives. 

Men-at-Arms: The Scythians (700-300 BC) by Dr. E. V. Cernenko and The Sarmatians (600 BC - 450 AD) by R. Brzezinski & M. Mielczarek

TL;DR: get these if you like military and pretty drawings of warriors (which I, for one, do).

The Men-at-Arms series are a collection of short booklets that summarize the military (while mentioning a bit about culture and some important military events) of each given people. I grouped these two books together because they essentially do the same thing. They’re very to-the-point, which is helpful if you’re just trying to learn something quickly. Within each book is a series of about 5-6 colored artistic renderings of their warriors (along with the occasional cameo of other peoples’ warriors) at different time periods, which are very useful if you’re an artist too or if you just like visuals. Each book also contains a lot of relevant artifacts (not in color). 

Thus ends my list of books, though of course you can always supplement by reading articles online (which I do too!) I’ve decided to also attach a list of my upcoming reads, for the helluvit: 

The Peoples of Europe: The Goths by Peter Heather

The Peoples of Europe: The Early Germans by Malcolm Todd

The Roman Empire and its Germanic Peoples: Herwig Wolfram 

History of the Goths by Herwig Wolfram 

Real Scythians by Momir Nikic 

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

↬ i hope this autumn breeze scatters our memories away.

date: august 2019.

location: ash’s apartment + a studio at bc.

word count: 1,881 words.

summary: ash said (sorta) fuck love... my impact...

notes: creative claims verification. please blame any part of this that doesn’t make sense on the medicine i’ve been on the whole time i was writing it.

mid-august 2019.

ash sat down at the piano bench and set his phone down next to it, voice memo app set to record. he hadn’t done this in a while. back in the days before he’d become so busy with solo schedules and proven himself as a creative enough for songwriting to be a real part of his job, he used to do this all the time. he’d have too many feelings not to let out in some way (he’d been less practiced at keeping it all in then) and the piano was a loyal friend who always listened. it had been his closest confidant since he’d been four years old. it didn’t matter that he’d been to so many different instruments to confide his troubles. in the end, they all represented the same thing, and that’s what drew him to even the most foreign piano.

a piano was the one thing that had been by his side in his life the longest. friends and partners had come and gone, but the relationship between ash and the nearest piano had never grown stale, even when schedules had kept him away for extended periods of time and caused neglect of their bond. no matter how short his time with the black and white keys was, he never forgot how to connect with them, and that’s more than he could say for so many of the people who had passed through his life — and for so many of the people who had once been his entire life. 

it’d only been a few months that he’d had a piano to call his own. moving out into his own place, a used baby grand was one of the first items he’d invested in for his new home’s interior. more than privacy or peace and quiet, he had a piano to call his own placed in front of the expansive set of windows that fronted his living room. he hadn’t had many opportunities to sit down at it and make music, but, as naturally as if he’d been doing it every night for the past half a year, he let his fingers spread out over the keys and start their push and pull, practiced endlessly until it had become nothing more than sheer instinct. like gentle waves crashing upon sand, taking and delivering in equal measure, his hands slowly traced out experimental notes and chords as he attempted to recreate the composition that had been forming itself in his head for the past few hours, itching to come out and be brought to life.

a piano was so different from the keyboard in his studio. the keys had lived a life of their own and they pushed back against the press of his fingers in a battle happening on the microscopic level, but it was a battle of passion, not wrath. there had been times he’d set to work at the keys with anger, but never toward the instrument itself. simmering anger was better for composing than the explosive type. art laid in the intricacies of a dynamic range, something more straight-on emotions didn’t lend themselves as simply to.

ash wasn’t able to put a name to all of the feelings he felt in the moment. there were too many and they’d interwoven with another until they became unrecognizable, only able to be expressed in the wave of his fingers.

it was a simple set of chords. it wouldn’t be anything notable for its complexity, but it was remorseful and unrelenting. there was a reluctance to follow the beat, and ash replayed sections as he figured them out multiple times to make sure the feeling was conveyed into the recording he’d be transposing over into his computer later by ear. 

it only took about an hour for him to have one final recorded memo of the composition that he was pleased with.

lyrics had come in bits and pieces as he composed, as tied to the music as the piano notes themselves. the words that came to him told a story that wasn’t his own. not now, at least. they were a story he’d lived time and time again in the past, but had never let come out in such bitter words.

love. it’d been the thing ash had sought out ever since he’d been a little boy with only the way his parents looked at each other and the way they sneaked kisses as they made dinner to idealize. he’d written more love songs than he could ever hope to release about every person who’d taken a piece of his heart since he was a teenager. even before then, ash remembered the elementary poetry he’d written about the butterflies he got from the boy who was so good at soccer at recess and the lengthy love letter he’d composed to his fifth grade “girlfriend”. love songs had filled most every playlist he listened to. even when he had gone through heartbreak, he’d listen to them to remind himself love was still out there.

now, he didn’t want to remind himself of that. where had love songs gotten him? they hadn’t ever made anyone stay, or kept insecurities from bringing love to a fizzling end, or made a relationship with his career and his own mind to contend with any easier. the mirage revealed its truth eventually every time, so why was it so hard to let go of the ideal he’d painted for himself that he clearly wasn’t meant to have?

if he could shatter his stupid heart on the floor of his living room like glass, he would.

late august 2019.

“are you sure you wrote this?”

ash snapped his eyes from his computer screen to the woman standing next to him at her question. of course he’d written it. he wasn’t about to start plagiarizing and claiming someone else’s work as his own. and if he ever did finally abandon all of his morals, it wasn’t going to be for a proposed last minute addition to a track list that was supposed to already be finished. it’d definitely be because he had finally snapped and decided to end his own career because bc wouldn’t end his suffering for him.

“yes?” he answered incredulously and the first response he got in return was a laugh. it wasn’t a malicious laugh, but ash remained tense nonetheless, unable to catch on to what she was implying in his own fatigue-ridden mind and they way her tone was much more humorous than his. 

“sorry,” she apologized, seeming to catch on that his mind wasn’t working at a fast enough speed to read her tone. “it doesn’t sound like you. well, it does. i’ve heard your heartbreak songs. but this is so cynical. you wrote ‘some’ and those songs you wrote on knight’s albums. they’re cute. i don’t know. i expected something more like that.”

ash’s tensed shoulders relaxed, but not completely. the singles he’d promoted from i’m young and daydream had both been songs about heartbreak. he’d written more songs about heartbreak than happiness in a relationship or the butterflies of having a crush if he considered everything he’d ever written. negative feelings were easier for him to write about than positive ones most of the time. they were easier to lose himself in and they were more plentiful in his life for the past few years. why was it hard to believe he’d written this? not to mention cute had been off the table the minute bc had decided he had some sort of marketable sex appeal that they’d been neglecting.

“it’s not that out of left field. and there’s already songs with a similar feeling on the album. that’s why i was going to suggest adding it. the whole back half of the track list is about disillusionment with love, so it should fit,” ash countered, trying not to sound as defensive as he felt. “i geared all of the production to fit in with the sound of the album.” had he failed?

“wasn’t it supposed to be about the sad feelings after a break up? ‘disillusionment with love’ is taking that pretty far.”

ash wanted to argue back, but he didn’t have the energy and she wasn’t wrong. those exact words had never been raised when discussing the concept of the album, and he hadn’t envisioned it in such pessimistic terms when the album had been in its early stages either. it was only when he’d begun writing this song that disillusionment became such a defining term for him. he knew why. his own mindset had changed in the months since the album had begun and he himself had become disillusioned. “but does it work? for the album? do you think it’d be worth pitching?” he asked, more interested in getting an answer to the reason he’d asked her to listen in the first place than dwell on his own roller coaster of emotions recently. or the continuing roller coaster ride of emotions he’d been stuck on for the last four years, seemingly either unable to get off or purposefully torturing himself by refusing to.

“yeah, give it a go. it’s a good fit sonically. you’ve just got to convince them to take such a late addition,” the woman said with a shrug. “but clean up the percussion a little bit. it gets lost in itself.” ash assumed their conversation would end there before she quirked her head at him, one hand on her hip in a stance that prepared ash to be questioned. he wasn’t prepared for what that question was going to be, though. “i don’t want to be nosy, but did someone break your heart recently? you’re pretty easy to see through.”

ash was too exhausted to keep his expression from revealing the surprise at her inquiry. that really wasn’t any of her business and he didn’t consider them close enough to discuss that. they weren’t anything more than work colleagues and ash wasn’t even one for discussing his love life with his closest friends, but he wasn’t blunt enough to say that. she had good intentions, he was sure, but anyone who had sat in on writing sessions with him more than once or heard drafts of his songs should know he didn’t like discussing the details of his private life beyond what he willingly laid out in his songs. it wasn’t how he worked. too many people were under the impression they knew his life already for him to want to voluntarily share the truth with anyone not involved.

“nope.” he forced a smile and a nonchalant shrug similar to her own. he got a dubious look in return and ash swiveled in his chair to face the computer screen again. “really, no. but thanks for listening. and the percussion, i’ll fix that. thanks for the tip. i’ll send it over to some people and hopefully there’s still time to add it.”

he wasn’t lying to her. no one else had done the breaking. he couldn’t blame anyone else for something he’d done himself.

he’d thought his heart had broken so many times, but it was still there, beating and hoping in the background, even when he was the one doing his damnedest to fracture it beyond repair.

[goldbasar]

Archombadin/Lebrassoir, Onyx/Thancred and- Foulques/Nephilyr. Yes, good.

ofc YOU’D DO THIS TO ME. adding two of my top ships. iluread more because this is gonna get lengthy, obviously

archombadin/lebrassoir

I consider this ship’s feelings: Mutual | Mixed | Strange | Awkward | Platonic | Sibling-like | One-sided | They don’t really like each other |I could also bold one-sided for archombadin and dislike for lebrassoir but mixed/strange/awkward pretty much covers all of this as I think that their feelings are, in a very complicated way, still mutual (i wrote a whole essay about this to my soulmate @rinarcher she knows how deep in I am)

I’d consider the relationship: Healthy Awkward (post!scholasticate QL jam…that slow burn redemption with a chance for a healthy relationship…one day. sob.) | Abusive (goes without saying, before the QL finale, obviously…) | Doesn’t work properly | They’d never get together 

General Opinion: THEY!ARE!MY!OTP! they completely caught me off guard in the finale and burned themselves into my weak little heart ever since. I LIVE for that twist and what it does to Archombadin’s character, I live for the complex and complicated implications of what Lebrassoir is like, what his feelings are like. I adore how much their relationship adds to Ishgard’s storytelling from a society/ master+servant pov and how they mixed it up with an actual amazing development for Archombadin as a result. I LOVE THAT HE’S SO SHAKEN BY HURTING LEBRASSOIR AND NOT SEEING IT ALL THIS TIME. basically lebrassoir made him change and he wants to atone for everything he stood for, he’s not once blaming Lebrassoir for what he was trying to do to the Dzemaels, TO HIM, because he’s too hurt by HURTING THE PERSON CLOSEST TO HIM, and that in itself means a whole damn lot for a character like archombadin who previously would’ve changed at nothing to preach his narrow-minded ways- that in itself shows how much lebrassoir means to him. also. that post!QL outlook of him going to visit Lebrassoir and them having that amazing slow burn hurt/comfort/redemption relationship is so up my alley…I cry… the fact that they were inseperable - despite Lebrassoir’s innermost feelings - is a bonus. lebrassoir got his second key instead of father saturnois. lebrassoir manages ALL his funds. It’s sad in retrospect but it’s still all there. they spent their years 24/7 together (so everytime I imagine how strange and…empty they must feel without the other around post!QL, I cry) bury me in feelings about the confession scene in the headmistresses’ office. Archombadin’s speech and Lebrassoir not being able to look at him kills me.and last but not least: archombadin damn well needs to work for this, I want him to try his hardest and still failing at first. HE DESERVES THAT. (still want them to eventually make it tho, I want it so much)

thancred/onyx

I consider this ship’s feelings: Mutual | Mixed | Strange | Awkward | Platonic | Sibling-like | One-sided | They don’t really like each other |

I’d consider the relationship: Healthy | Awkward | Abusive | Doesn’t work properly | They’d never get together |

General Opinion:okay so like…let it be said that this was my first actual ship in the game (ul’dah starter life) and skyrocketed once the Ifrit Arc rolled around because Thancred kept blaming himself so much; 2.0′s character writing in the MSQ wasn’t actually TOO fledged out so I was amazed by Thancred being more than what he would have us believe. The 2.0 finale, the wol saving thancred, all of that made me cry. fasting forward to Heavensward, there’s a lot of subtle complications I felt from the way he came across as distant; changed, and almost hurtful after learning the wol wasn’t able to save Minfilia and instead forged this bond with Ishgard, but he comes around. Everything I can say about these two would be diving into headcanon territory but I just. imagine her having a crush on him since forever and not knowing what to do with that, to cherishing him honestly for giving her a place with the Scions, her family. I consider them never making it because it’s not in neither of their nature and would disrupt the balance of their personal - and as scion’s -relationship (her being the ~hope of eorzea and him having self-doubts anyway).

foulques/nephillyr

I consider this ship’s feelings: Mutual | Mixed | Strange | Awkward | Platonic | Sibling-like | One-sided | They don’t really like each other |

I’d consider the relationship: Healthy | Awkward | Abusive | Doesn’t work properly | They’d never get together |

General Opinion:while arch/leb is my npcxnpc otp; THIS IS MY ALL-TIME-FAVORITE, idec if it’s pcxnpc, it made me feel too much. so okay listen;  Where do I even start with these two. Foulques is someone who only experienced unfairness in his life to the point where he loses himself in his insane mindset; ultimately he is someone who trusts no one. Someone who only hates. However: This man wants her to understand his views - his way of thinking of courage - the only things that define him in his head anymore bc weakness = worthlessness/death. He wants her to understand him. He wants her to leave the people who hurt him to the core and she’s unfortunately associated with; not because of how much he hates them, but because he sees so much in her. In his mind, Hating makes him strong and trusting in comradeship makes him weak after it served to make a scapegoat out of him, following imprisonment. Yet!! he trusts in her potential and wants her to come with him. It’s extremely poignant to his character. now, in LNC 20, she sets her life on the line to protect his life, which has constantly been branded as worthless or corrupt by everyone around him. She tries to save him. And even though she ultimately fails, she was the only one who ever cared enough about him to put herself between him and the beast. He hates everyone else. He hates himself and constantly struggles to prove his existence. But he is infatuated with her.Even by the end of the story, when his sanity is gone for good and they fight a battle that decides over superiority - life and death - he still acknowledges her to be the only person worthy and that is so very tragic to me because she obviously does not want to fight him. she runs after him as he falls. he reaches out because he’s far gone, but he’s so afraid of dying. And she has to live with that. Even when the Guild she’s part of antagonizes him and writes him off as “duskwight rogue”, there’s something between them that you can’t describe in just one word. frustration and obsession, yes, but also. attraction, empathy. sympathy. valuing each other’s life.Neph->Foulques is headcanon territory again but let it just be said, it SCARRED HER, what happened to him, what happened within the guild, in Gridania.  I know a huge aspect in their interaction is how Foulques is creepy and obsessive af…my ships are questionable but very, very feelsy for me. I think about them a lot