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#i am 25 let me live!
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God sometimes I hate being disabled.
Let me wander around Joanns without feeling like I’m gonna pass out.
Let me look at the crafting things without feeling like I just ran the mile.
FUCK.
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moonkhao · 1 month
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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alluralater · 4 months
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i was out with my little sister picking up snacks for a movie night and on the walk back we stopped into a local restaurant that i wanted to show her and bought her one of their best (not that i would know cause i’m allergic to shellfish but i’ve HEARD great things) sushi burritos. while we were waiting for it we just chatted for a bit about random things. when they gave us our order we made to stand up (the table we were at for to-go orders is right next to the door) and in walk all these kids from prom. i was like AWWW how adorable! most of them had colored hair and were gnc expressing (some had lgbt pins on as well) but listen okay. one of them stopped at the door upon walking in and at this point my sister and i were standing and this kid goes “your hair is gorgeous” and im sorry but i felt my face go from aww to EUGH. like it was so visceral because the tone of voice was so gross and sexual and then MORE of them were jumping in but the looks on their faces had my stomach turning— TURNING I TELL YOU. i was like ushering my sister out the door in front of me and literally had to shake off how gross it let to get hit on by children. i don’t give a fuck if some of them were lEgaL age okay, that shit was GROSS and those are BABIES. my sister was like “i think you were the gay awakening for some of them” and i told her definitely not, those kids know they’re not straight AND they must know that im a full ass adult. like okay i remember being their age and thinking pretty adult women were hot too but jesus christ. and THEN my little sister starts telling me i have a baby face and that she looks older than me and i legitimately stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and was like “NO I DO NOT IT’S JUST MY CHIPMUNK CHEEKS. I DONT LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THEM!! AND I’M TALL SO I LOOK OLDER ANYWAYS” and she’s laughing at me as if this isn’t the biggest knife to the back. AND my girl told me early on that i have a baby face and she ALWAYS makes jokes about it which i find endearing if not a bit wild (i scrunch my nose when she says that and she said it makes me look even younger so now i just furrow my brows at her) and what the fuck!! i never actually thought i had a babyface, just that i had really full cute cheeks and now im being confused for what?? a CHILD?? I AM A WHOLE ADULT WOMAN OF 25 AND I AM FIVE FOOT EIGHT!!! I WILL NOT ENTERTAIN THE GAY PANIC OF CHILDREN. GET OUT OF MY SIGHT YOU BABIES. god i cannot wait for my wrinkles to come in and i can be such a sexy woman in my thirties and no one will mistake me for any other age than the one i am!! my girl was like “i hope you get carded at every bar forever” one time and now im thinking that i DO get carded because i look like a baby and not because they’re doing their due diligence. the fuck kind of bullshit is this?! and i know i can’t be like mad at kids for this but it was SO gross you guys. the smile left my face so fast when i realized what was happening. they were like a swarm of little gay bees and i was trapped between this table and the rest of them flooding in through the door all because i wanted my sister to try an awesome food place. I’M SICK OF THE DISRESPECT!! I DO NOT HAVE A BABYFACE!!! next time i will not hold back my nausea and i will throw up
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yanderespamton78 · 5 months
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the current state of the arg
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sorry guys the art isnt arting D:
(btw if youre confused on why i drew turnip like that i was referencing the picrew he did ages ago bc idk it looked fun to draw anddd i dont like taking reference off real life images)
#i felt like just a lillll bit of a creep relistening to voice messages over and over to find a good quote but. yk what. it was worth it#i totally didnt take reference from the really cool face i used in that animation because im still really proud of it#idk if emi or TD have a sona but if they do im not aware of it and i didnt feel like asking so i just drew both of them as blank characters#im too stressed to scheme lol#maybe#just maybe#i need to stop drinking tea because the caffiene makes me anxious#...#naaaaahhhh#i dont really know what to do with myself atm because i dont want to work on the animation unless turnon is ok out of pure spite#this morning i was absolutely radiating stress#i have a friend who shows up so we can walk together to school and she could tell smth was off lol#i literally could not hide it at all even if i wanted too#i kept pulling my hat over my face thats the main way you can tell that im stressed#not that it really matters that you know that bc none of you are ever gonna witness that but. fun fact abt me ig#ugh#if turnon dies i am gonna cry so hard <333#and i wont finish the animation <333333333#(at this point just trying anything to get turnon back)#im gonna make a word doc#i make word docs when im stressed /hj#quick question turnip : is there a way to get turnon out of the situation he is in or is he just gonna die and theres nothing we can do#about it /gen#because i have a sneaky suspicion that we cant actually do anything about this#i swear to god#LETS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE!!#A DEFRAG MIGHT COME OUT TMR!!#its been 21 days and a defrag takes on average 20-25 days#ough#turnip and addon im gonna find where you live and i will burn your respective houses down
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sexynetra · 4 months
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Pre-Birthday blues please send me photos of your favorite queens and/or photos of cute animals 😭
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Here is my Jaida tax to get this post on your dash <333
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another appearance by asia kate dillon as LOS via the 7th moon girl's lab short, "coding" =']
#LOS in the LES on the LAN (party)#''as the kids say'' they are SO cherished#with the frequent kick up in pitch / tight voice of Excitement like hand to forehead. what a dear & delightful character#thanks to dreams inspiring ''let me just check their imdb again'' like a series of Shorts well i hope that's on youtube (yes)#& here we are :) love to Feature them again like yes recur even more. Why Not b/c they're a) a delight & b) a flexible role lol#they can just Exposit & Do Whatever as exhibited thusly. scan complete some asshole detected#LOS-307#asia kate dillon#our good dear friend the adorable nonbinary autistic repurposed (b/c they felt like it) chess supercomputer guidance counselor bestie#was also <_< abt like hmm released in '24 might not get that Voice On T change but that would rule (not majorly enough to tell imo)#looking up s3 lore yields months old ''Maybe'' & one [idk what if any source] In Production Expected To Air Feb '25#& i'll take the average of that as ''if it's in production; or going to be; yes akd's voice will be audibly lowered'' It Would Be Great#like really a gem to just happen to have a trans VA's voice change present in recordings over a several year range here#but ofc already a gem what a fun role. i was just thinking about what a cute as hell delightful gift they are#and about ''yeah akd can do Intense Standout Even While Quiet Presence but give them more rambunctious playful lively ones too''#glad we Do have some more of those already. more LOS more ''give us another closer passing look at their apparent partner'' more concerts.#they're amped!! as the kids say!!! mmmwah i am kissing them#also why does akd's imdb page not credit them as narrator for one [visible: out on television] episode & featured on another. c'mon
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vanyafresita · 10 months
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turning 26 this sunday..... it feels certantly Like Something
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chipped-chimera · 11 months
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Fuck this cesspit country. I want to go home.
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indigodawns · 2 years
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.
#whew you know when you've been Going for a while and then you get a break and you're still tired but you're also so so jittery#S WHERE IM AT OHHH MY GOD#luxury problem and it's totally fine but i am crawling up the walls my friends#also update time ig!! took my family to the autism group meeting thing on tuesday bc it was a meeting esp for that#and they kept throwing me glances throughout the info part like lol it's you JDFHJDFH it was v interesting#bc throughout it all it's like... here i have info about autism and here i have my 25 years lived experience without thinking i had autism#and since i wasn't diagnosed as a kid i wasn't as ~obvious about it and i find it hard to reconcile examples with myself if they#don't fit 100% (it's . the autism) so anyways it was v helpful!!!#and my mum was like ah yeah i always had moments where i thought so?? but then it didn't fit the cold white boy stereotype bc i#am empathetic and i have humour etc so she never mentioned it to me bc it's a big thing etc and tbf i wasn't ~ready pre-this year#but now it's like... ah yes i was always upset on holidays and they never got why (the change in Everything)... i was picky with food#and with new shoes and i HATED shopping and it overwhelmed me so much (still does)#i would ask my mum what tf i was feeling and why i was crying and i would analyse social interactions#and i'd have obsessions with media and horses etc. was big know-it-all. was so slow with some subjects at school#like yknow when you had to copy letters 80 times? that'd take me ages and i'd get a fail bc i was being so precise#anyways. enough signs methinks dfjhdjh so now im just trying to see where stimming & eyecontact come in?#i never noticed a problem with eyecontact but im trying to let myself not do it and it's kinda nice?? but idk#and stimming idk i used to suck my thumb for a long time but?? i wanna try things but whew internalised ableism etc#so see then im like so ARE YOU ACTUALLY-- but anyways it seems i am#and my mum made me realise that'd. explain why i suddenly developed depression around age 11 and never got out of it again#so lots of Thinking!!! and wanting to shelve things like ok great figured it out NOW WHAT but noooo#also stupid to do this on tumblr and not rly talk about it with irl friends but what do you say like#hello im autistic? yeah it surprised me too. no i can't really explain how it works for me. no that's not how the spectrum works#so here we are yes#<3
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euphor1a · 2 years
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..... so i’ll be taking 8467747846 business days to recover from this
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becca-alexa · 2 years
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i really do appreciate my friends trying to set me up on dates but where in the world had they gotten the idea that i, at 25, would be interested in dating a 41 year-old ??
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You know you're fucked up when something as simple as your computer screwing up can send you into a downward spiral
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marigoldcanaries · 14 days
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Words cannot express how utterly disappointed I am when it comes to helping Sudan. People are hesitant to show their support. They would even dismiss it. No, I am not making this shit up. I have been talking to people about Sudan and their reaction is lacklustre!
I know anti-blackness plays a significant role, along with the lack of media coverage (which is, again, due to anti-blackness), but this is unacceptable. Many people are dying. The country going through a flooding. Homes are destroyed. Families are displaced. Famine is claiming more lives than the RSF (Rapid Support Forces) and SAF (Sudanese Armed Forces) combined.
They need our help!
There is one way you can show your support! Kindly have a look at this fundraiser. It belongs to Eman Abdelrahman (@emooz-8). She is a 25 year old Sudanese and she is raising funds to evacuate. She has been campaigning since January of this year, but she struggles to receive donations to this day! The last one was made 2 DAYS AGO!
Let's pick up the pace and aim for a doable goal once again - 30K in 3 days! As of writing this (Sept 9th), 29,517 CHF has been raised! There is only 483 CHF left to go! Please check your currency exchange. It is in Swiss Franc! ($10 USD = 8 CHF)
There is also a fundraiser for her extended family. Please keep in mind that it is in Singaporean Dollars, so double check with your currency exchange! ($10 USD = $13 SGD)
You can even match me! I've given 5 CHF and $5 SGD!
Verification (#213).
Thank you!
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crimisonpetrichor · 19 days
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Thinking about if I am attractive enough to do OF as a side hustle while this job swotch kicks in lol. Dog sitting is not cutting it.....
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g0thsoojin · 2 months
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🕷️🕸️
#basically he is all i've dreamed of and he is REAL#which hurts so much more to be forced to let go of him and us#for 25 yrs i've never met anyone who lives up to all the dreams i have in my head#but he does...... he is all of that and more and he exists#:(((((( i love and want him more than anything#also he is like.. one of the things that idk will ever happen again#is that he's someone who i would be safe exploring my darker sides with#like there are many things i think of and stuff that i wouldnt condone irl to unwilling ppl#but i think my deep profound fear of some dark and depraved things make my brain#.. hmm... idk how to explain actually#but like i would wanna have a photoshoot where i get tied up and have duct tape over my mouth etc etc#but it is 'staged' and i can only do that if i feel safe during it#and he is the only one i've thought abt this stuff w for real#bc i trust him and i know he is a lot like me in regards to mind pov#he is drawn to the darkness and macabre stuff#but he isnt an empty cruel person who gets off on actual innocent ppl being hurt (the way a looooot of ppl who are into 'dark stuff' do)#he is in the perfect middle space where he is drawn to it but itsnt actually an awful person#he understands what it is like to be drawn to it and want to explore certain aspects without actual real harm or being traumatized etc etc#he understands and wants himself a safe loving comfortable space#so i dont know i dont know how i could ever even trust anyone else with these stuff#i never have thought i could. i always kept it in my imagination#daydreaming abt fictional characters and stuff like that#then i met him and i thought that omg.. he is real. this is real. i could have it fr#but now he is gone....#like just the thing of... i AM fucked up i am broken#i punch and hit myself in the face. i might not want to but i do. and nobody cares lmao#i have brought it up with therapists but they dont care lmao :p#so i do. but i wanted him to do that to me. and be in a safe loving space where he hurts me (not too bad) bc i trust him and want him#and ache for him and live for him. those deep profound feelings make me come alive#but now i will never have that ..... :(((
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