#I have lived here for 25 years
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Fuck this cesspit country. I want to go home.
#auspol#kerytalk#I have lived here for 25 years#i have a citizenship#but this country has done jack shit for me#all its done is given me ptsd and a genuine fear for my safety if liberal gets back in#I left New Zealand when I was five but I've never been so homesick in my life#btw the racist vote won so haha my faith in humanity for Australia at least is FUCKED#I'm never going outside again what's the point#when you know the majority of the people out there are either racist or too stupid to develop critical thinking skills#I'm just ... done#really hard to not let the su*cidal thoughts eat me when shit like this happens - do not report me I am not a risk to myself#I've been living with them for over 10 years and I'm still kicking#but fuck ... man ...
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totals ur drama
#shut up. dont say a word. total drama lives in my SOUL but that wasnt how this started.#so i talk abt it privately a bit but im currently Drowning in ideas. ive never had this happen before. i have a backlog of ~25 drawings#and then i thought 'oh maybe it WOULD be fun to build a silver rig! a simple one! like the chihiro DR rig i built!'#and then i SCREAMED INTO THE VOID because i do not have TIME!!!! even a SIMPLE RIG IS MINIMUM A FULL DAYS WORK#but does reason ever stop me??? NO. so i fuckign. DREW THIS AFTER TODAY'S BG SERIES WORK. YKNOW. JUST IN CASE#im smashing my head with ROCKS i am DERANGED. i am CURSED. i do not have TIME FOR THJIS. HES SO CYUTE#twst#twisted wonderland#twst silver#suntails#oh yea but also im obsessed with total drama and always have been and always will be and have watched the reboot seasons#multiple times each and i have them downloaded just in case and i read the tumblr webcomic total trauma and have for years and and and#gripping ur shoulders. leave. get out of here before i keep yapping
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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Kinda gets me when people age them down in AUs and stuff because to me those characters wouldn't be half as interesting if Chilchuck, Senshi and Mithrun were the tallman equivalent of in their twenties
#just something about having a lot of history you know#like. chills is divorced or thereabouts. senshi spent like 30 years living in dungeon wilderness. mithrun knows kabru's mom#none of this would be possible if they were 20-somethings#dungeon meshi spoilers#dungeon meshi manga spoilers#somewhat i guess#like. yeah kabru and laios and falin (and marci for an elf) are really young BUT have a lot of life exp#but like. the fact that so much happened to them while they are so young is TRAUMA. its BAD#meanwhile chilchuck had like. a pretty average life for a halffoot his age. maybe even successful from a professional standpoint#senshi didnt have an average life but had the time to accumulate an amount of knowledge no 20something could have#and of course mithruns whole life story is like. slowed down because hes an elf#but even then i think its really important to show that it might take several years to start recuperating from a traumatic event#like its what makes his character such an interesting commentary on disability and depression#when you're 25 bouncing back is easier. when you're 40? 50? showing that theres hope#even when you've lost your whole youth to your pain... thats a whole other thing#sorry i started writing serious commentary in the tags#chills#captain mithrun#senshi#even in senshis character up to a point. he spent more years out of society than in it#and YET! even he manages to find a place. somewhat#like. they are all here to show that life goes on even after horrible or simply sad shit happens to you#they are survivors!!!! thats important
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barnes and noble has been raising the prices of everything and further pushing for their premium membership option (which they raised the price of by 60 percent this year!) and then when they have big sales events, they're less than what they used to be.
last year at this time you could get one of their leather-bound book annex tomes for $12.50 (without a member discount) because of the 50 percent off all hardcover sales. but they raised the price of those tomes from 25 bucks to 30, and they decreased the sale from 50 percent off all hardcovers to 1/3rd off. so that same book that was $12.50 at last year's end-of-year sale is now 20 bucks. and that's supposed to be savings enough to induce me to walk into one of their stores this week?
i'm sorry but b&n has just gotten so greedy, even though their business has only been doing better and better in previous years. they do not have to be raising prices like they have been, and they can damn well afford to have the same savings events they used to. if you went to one of those hardcover sales a year or two ago, even if you lived in a less populated area like i do, you had never seen a b&n so busy in your life. things were flying off the shelves. they WERE making bank.
and as a company they've only been growing and growing (as much as the publishing industry has been, in recent years). but there are so many other ways to buy books. CHEAPER ways to buy books. MORE SUSTAINABLE ways to buy books. and since books and booksellers are doing really well right now, i don't see why barnes and noble is getting so greedy when they don't have to be. i dont like new shiny books that much. people buy books for the content, ultimately. sometimes we as consumers might make the choice that a new shiny book is worth paying a bit more for, but not that much. barnes and noble has just been demanding more and more of their customers' money for less and less benefit.
#kaily and i shared a membership account for several years but she cancelled it over the summer#bc of them raising it from 25 dollars per year to 40. i'm sorry but we just were not spending enough to make that worth it#the benefits for a member used to be 10 percent off everything in-store and free shipping online.#now it's 10 percent off everything in-store AND online with free shipping. which sounds good enough#but not for a 60 percent pricehike. and a bunch of other supposed benefits no one would ask for#like a free tote (geez. thanks. yeah i really need a free tote every year) and like. a free treat at a cafe on your kids' birthday?#i dont have a kid.#between the two of us. we were not buying 400 dollars worth of stuff at b&n every year#oh and it's also 10 percent off the in-store starbucks. but im pretty sure that USED to be a benefit they had#years ago?? like i SWEAR ive gotten money off at the b&n starbucks so i guess they got RID of that at some point#and gave it BACK when they HIKED UP THE PRICE TO 40 BUCKS A YEAR#text post#barnes and noble#it's a shame bc where i live. barnes and noble is the only like fancy bookstore#and i live in an area that my barnes and noble... is like. what a boston barnes and noble eats for breakfast.#it's two floors. there are plenty of books that it doesn't have. plenty of sections that are very small#like the poetry section is just pathetic. i look at it every time i go and it just makes me sad.#i guess a lot of the book annex stuff contains poetry but still that's not really enough to entertain a rich interest in the genre for long#i outgrew the limited selection at my own local b&n poetry section by the time i was twenty. i was like i already know everything here.#which isn't to say i'm an expert in poetry. it's to say that the poetry section is barely bigger than a shelf#in fact ive never thought about it before but I OWN more poetry books than you'll find in the poetry section#at my local b&n. lol#i have a lot of nostalgia for b&n even though it is a big company that does not love me. i have very few books i bought new#that are not from barnes and noble. i got so many books that changed my life from them#i guess it's like a childhood/teenage attachment at this point bc ive had more mixed feelings abt the direction theyve been taking#for several years at this point.#and no i dont mean that theyve been expanding to selling more toys/games etc. theyve literally always done that in my lifetime. who cares.#they still have books#as an adult ive been more capable of seeing how limited their book selection is and how i have so many problems w that.#and it ultimately comes down to them being a big greedy company
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🫎
#this place drives me crazy....#i notice it esp bc when im outside and feel a tiny bit better#(unfortunately this city is a nightmare for a hypervigilant like me to live bc theres crazyyy much noise 24/7)#but my home has for the first 23yrs of my life been a noise wise calm place to wind down and be safe and relax#but a couple of years ago there was like a shift and everyone who moves in here are crazy#my neighbors are constantly stomping banging and thumping. constantly.......#people outside are always screaming and yelling and slamming doors and everything u can do#they let their kids run around and scream like demons and throw rocks on cats and piss on the walls#and they go around with metal pipes or sticks and hit everything#like.... im sorry if u wanna call me a childhater for saying thats fucked up then go ahead#that's not sane behavior and the parents dont raise their kids anymore#constant yelling.... anyway#we have a clan of ppl who do lots of illegal things which is above all NOISYYYYYY#they make shit in the apartment above me and then live in another and then large moving trucks come and pick it up#?????? if u wanna call me a stuck up karen for thinking thats not ok to do to your neighbors go ahead!!!!!! im a bitter bitch#i dont think it's ok to cause such disturbance to your neighbors they cant sleep or exist in peace but thats just me ig!!!!!#these ppl living here are batshit insane bc i've been here for 25 and it's never been like this#and i mean it's MY problem for being noise sensitive ofc#but i feel like my brain is CONSTANTLY always being overstimulated and i can barely function anymore#i like legit wanna kms just to escape all this noise#i dont get any quiet moment ever#not even in the middle of the night there is always some human making noise and causing a disturbance#a few years ago it could be dead quiet in the middle of the day#what has happened im losing my miiiiiiind i wanna dieeeeeeeee#what happens when i reach a point where my brain just overcooks and i explode?#what will i do? what will i do when i lose control sksksk that shit scares me i dont wanna see#i cant live like this but im stuck and i dont know how to get out#and my mom was in a smaller city the other day and she said it was a crazy amount of noise yhere to#what do i do? whrre do i go???? i might jusy have to go deaf or smth i cant do this
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another appearance by asia kate dillon as LOS via the 7th moon girl's lab short, "coding" =']
#LOS in the LES on the LAN (party)#''as the kids say'' they are SO cherished#with the frequent kick up in pitch / tight voice of Excitement like hand to forehead. what a dear & delightful character#thanks to dreams inspiring ''let me just check their imdb again'' like a series of Shorts well i hope that's on youtube (yes)#& here we are :) love to Feature them again like yes recur even more. Why Not b/c they're a) a delight & b) a flexible role lol#they can just Exposit & Do Whatever as exhibited thusly. scan complete some asshole detected#LOS-307#asia kate dillon#our good dear friend the adorable nonbinary autistic repurposed (b/c they felt like it) chess supercomputer guidance counselor bestie#was also <_< abt like hmm released in '24 might not get that Voice On T change but that would rule (not majorly enough to tell imo)#looking up s3 lore yields months old ''Maybe'' & one [idk what if any source] In Production Expected To Air Feb '25#& i'll take the average of that as ''if it's in production; or going to be; yes akd's voice will be audibly lowered'' It Would Be Great#like really a gem to just happen to have a trans VA's voice change present in recordings over a several year range here#but ofc already a gem what a fun role. i was just thinking about what a cute as hell delightful gift they are#and about ''yeah akd can do Intense Standout Even While Quiet Presence but give them more rambunctious playful lively ones too''#glad we Do have some more of those already. more LOS more ''give us another closer passing look at their apparent partner'' more concerts.#they're amped!! as the kids say!!! mmmwah i am kissing them#also why does akd's imdb page not credit them as narrator for one [visible: out on television] episode & featured on another. c'mon
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my very sexy curse of liking the most radioactive ships in a fandom
#i wish there was a way to tell tumblr to automatically block accounts who block one of your sideblogs!#i am glad people are just flat-out blocking me instead of interacting! still sucks though!#its not even a “YOU don't like ME???” kind of thing#like im cool w ppl just not liking me because they just don't like me! whatever! we don't have to be friends!#but it's a constant reminder of just how CONSERVATIVE queer fandom has gotten in the last decade???#20+ year age gaps were just de rigueur and now people are like#“UHMM...A 32 Y/O CAN'T DATE A 25 Y/O WHATS WRONG WITH YOU THAT'S LITERALLY ABUSE???”#vita.txt#i hate it here and i wish BSD wasn't what the idiot autistic goblin who lives in my brain wanted!#is this going to be why i finally learn japanese? maybe#at least they aren't sending death threats over ship drama from what I can tell (:#to have your main interest in life (fandom) suddenly be full of people who aren't shy to say they want you dead is like...super fun!
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so it turns out it was actually never that serious
#the exam literally went fine what the fuck just happened i feel like i just hallucinated that#like im not one of those people that go 'omg i did soooo badly :(' just to come out with top grades if i say it's going to shit#then it's becuase i genuinely wholeheartedly believe it#and my headspace before this exam was the worst it's been in MONTHS like i havent felt that bad for an exam since first year#and i sat down opened the paper and. remembered everything. like i literally just Knew the answers#im not saying ive passed bc am i fuck about to jinx it and i was still riding mainly blind bc i have NO idea where that knowledge came from#but at the very least there was a 35 marker that i KNOW i aced like i could picture the exact lecture slides it wanted me to discuss#and i had all of them memorised so at the very least ive got like. 30 marks. which is enough for me to pass the module#bc this exam is only weighted 75% and with my marks from the other 25% i only needed like 20 marks to pass this exam#which... makes it even more embarrassing that i failed it the first time but whatever!!!!#oh my god im so glad that's done im so happy IM FREE#just been in the kitchen dancing around to my little tunes and texting my friends <3#im meeting up with one of them when she gets off work at 5 and we're going for drinks#so ive got until then to nap and chill and then ill go to the shop and get us some food and wine#and she's gonna come here for a bit & then we'll go. like actually look at me. im having people over at MY HOUSE im going out to buy us WIN#im literally a functioning adult living independently who IS she a misty memory#alas i do only have £23 in my account so this is gonna be such a slay seeing how i make that stretch for a night out#i acc could budget for england when it comes to alcohol i think like the way i manage to have a good funky time with MINIMAL funds#is downright impressive. it's a skill idc what you say#hella goes to uni
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u know what i've been thinking about. how the economy expects you to be, right now, at a job you've been at and consistently getting raises in for like, ten years. it's almost like the implication is "well yeah, you'll be able to live off this job in three, five, ten years if you stick with it and grow in the company" which is all fine and dandy, but i kind of need to live right now
#the queen of trash has spoken#rewrote this post six times and it turned into an essay both times and i don't really need it to lol#also thinking about the graphic i saw this morning that said the average spending power of $100 here is $41 compared to the national averag#which i guess? min wage is just over $16 here. but uhhhhhhhh i think my city is one of the most expensive in the state as far as cost of#living goes (not hard since we're the second largest city in a state of three decent sized cities and mostly large towns)#and its just crazy bc i look at my coworkers some of whom haven't been there much longer than me#who have kids and a house and stuff#and i realize oh. their husbands are engineers or lawyers. plus they're probably making more than me because they're team leads or managers#or have been there longer. meanwhile my 25 year old ass is making $20 an hour and my boyfriend is making $18 an hour#both doing highly-specialized work#and like. the idea that in ten years if i last that long both in the company and in this mortal coil#THEN i'll be making a living wage (in today's money)#is like. so wack! considering the fact that people really aren't staying in jobs for very long for various reasons#and for some positions the only way to get a raise is to move to a whole new company#it's just crazy! the fact that a 25 year old with a bachelor's degree can't even afford a fucking APARTMENT.#like everyone should be able to have housing obvs and the obvious solution to this is a universal basic income#but the fact that my experiencce in the economy is so different from my brothers (who is seven years older than me) and COMPLETELY#unrecognizable to that of my parents when they were my age. like i know billionaires are totally disconnected from reality#but in what universe is this a successful economy? /rq i know the answer i promise
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it’s so funny to me that the uk doesn’t even have chequebooks anymore but here i am … the american paying my credit card by putting a cheque in an envelope w a stamp 😭😭😭
#stream#ok like deadass do any of yall under like 30 even know how to write a cheque#DO YALL HAVE A CHEQUEBOOK 😭😭😭#here i am at 25 … living like 85#also it’s 90° in spain so i feel like my family having to sleep w/o ac in the HEAT bc houston got WRECKED by berta or whatever this#hurricane was 😭😭#LIKE CENTERPOINT SAYING ‘WE WERE PREPARED FOR IKE …’ LIKE BRO ?????? HARVEY WAS LIKE JUST 6 YEARS AGO & IKE I WAS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL FOR 😭#if ppl don’t start killing centerpoint energy idk what yall gon do#like ALSKALSKALSKLAKSLAKSLAJSLA#REMEMBER THE FREEZE LIKE 2 YEARS AGO EVEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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i really want to be more active...pretty much everywhere and in many ways but the heat is making me feel really weak
#and here i was wanting a job while i feel dizzy over 20°C and faint over 25°C#probably wouldve been fired early on for being that sensitive to heat#i cant even take art comissions to at least have a little more than what i have in cash but my pc overheats and#shuts off in 30 minutes so thats not an option either#although what hurts the most is that i can barely get myself to do anything#i cant do my hobbies i cant do any chores i cant do any little tasks i cant do anything#i guess thats what i get for living in a 50 year old house where my room is positioned for the sun to shine directly in and for no wind to#blow thru and get the stale air out#i guess i just have to wait until october to live#if i even make it there that is
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abortion has officially been banned in my state. i don't know what to do now. this place just gets worse every day and im totally crushed
#i fear im gonna have to flee the state if shit gets any worse#i was hoping to maybe get another year or two here at least but i have a sinking feeling i won't be able to stay that long#just. they've already banned abortion and they've ramped up their aggression towards queer folks (esp trans folks) and they keep fucking -#- with the education system and they seem to wanna make the lives of anyone who isn't a white cishet male over the age of 25 a living hell#i genuinely enjoy this place and i have so many friends and family members here#but im so fucking scared to stay#everything just keeps getting worse and worse no matter how much we fight
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thinking about the future . . . .
#after scad then what ..?#hm#tarsier studios in sweden. ans also my wife#ive been thinking about tarsier for a while Because like last year i saw they were lioking for employees#and i learned thst apparently the video game industry is big over there#dream life finish studies in US get experience marry my wife find job and live joyously ^^#it cluld take a while But id be willing😤😤😤😤what is 6 years even#ill only be like 25 in 6 years#the time will pass anyways#woah u can get a residence permit 4 cohabitation over there#fhats so cool#id have 2 do sooo much research#thinking ou loud here dont mind me.^_^.#who lnows whats ganna happen
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ok so I get the schools football team is great and you can afford to spend thousands of dollars on signs that glow when they play and shit but can you go back to not charging kids for pads. or at least stocking the dispensers that do
#rant in tags sorry lol i hate it here#anyways#I don't generally take change with me when i go to the bathroom mid class#believe it or not#and half the time the dispensers are empty or broken anyway#“but then kids will just take them all” 1) how would anybody casually walk out of the restroom with 50 tampons#2) i think youd live#use that money you're always bragging on for something thats NOT showy sports gear or a fucking ten thousand dollar chandelier#hate rich schools because they have so much money they dont even bother spend it right#dont even get me started on the band#i like band !!! band is cool !!!! however my former high school had a great band#and they didn't BEG THEIR MEMBERS to sponsor THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS EACH FOR#on top of what they already have#AND THEY HAVE A LOT.#tbh ive never met more spoiled kids than the band ones at my school in my life#“we didn't get to have 5 field trips to amusement parks this year. just four. of COURSE im upset; they dont fund band enough”#that kid got jumped on by three art kids and a teacher when that came out 😭😭😭#they just expect this shit#do they notice what its taking from everyone else#i have a teacher whos worked with this school for like 25 years. which is remarkable as this school isnt very old. or this town#compared to my other schools at least#and every day she goes on about How Much She Hates what theyre doing#but she wont leave because she likes to teach#shes watched the school slowly transfer more and more of its budget to showy extra things#and give less and less to necessities#more money does not help.#not only is there nothing more they can take from some families without driving us out‚ but they'll just keep wasting it.#theyre spoiled fucking rotten and you can't give them anything because itll never go where you want#out of tags but yeah i hate them and something needs to be done about the district#school problems
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I'm so tired of my mom.
So my dad made gumbo tonight because my sister is home and she LOVES it. which I also LOVE, and he puts big chunks of green peppers and onions in it, which I don't. I'm not a big vegetable person in general, but most I'll eat. I don't like green pepper, so I just pick it out. And I like onion but I don't like the big pieces so if they're too big I'll pick them out. And when I went to go out my dishes away she side eyes my pile of peppers and goes "this is ridiculous" in the most passive aggressive condescending tone and I just????? I'm sorry I've told you I don't like them?? I don't care that they "don't have a taste", I can taste them and it's also a texture thing?? Like??? I eat everything else in the gumbo, including the diced tomatoes, why the fuck does it matter leave me the fuck alone.
#personal#it's just little things like this that she does that remind me she has no use for me#and she keeos acting like im actively choosing to live here with her#bitch i hate it here!! im here because i dont have another option!! id rather live out of my fucking car than live here but I have no car!!#i would take not having anywhere to live over dealing with this!! but i dont have an option#so here i fucking am!!#i don't know what you want from me!! im fucking TRYING to get out of gere because I can't STAND living here!!#i hate it!!#i know this is a small thing i know that but its just. this and the not being allowed to have any opinion that contradicts hers and the#having her “generosity” touted in my face and the not being treated like an adult despite veing almost 25 but reminded im “gonna be 25 and#need to start acting like an adult“ and her just outright ignoring everything i say or do and the fact that i know no matter what i do itll#never be enough to please her and hearing about how sges so miserable all the time but does nothing to change it#and every other fucking thing about living with her that ive hated for the last 24 years#toxic parents#toxic mom#toxic mother
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