#i am anxious abt things | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hazardsoflove · 1 year

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truly if we’re mutuals i hope u know i cherish u with my entire being even if we’ve never/barely spoken and became mutuals like a day ago or we talk all the time and have been mutuals for years. i love u

#i would love to talk to more of yall but i am so so anxious JSJJSJSKS #i also appreciate yall for sticking around when i start doing weird shit (reblogging so many images of band guys)#i literally will never unfollow a mutual unless they do/say smthn abhorrent #i just blacklist if its smthn idc abt and move on my mutuals are treasured #since following more band blogs i see things and its like. okay my mutuals are allowed JDNJSJSJSHS #as soon as i become mutuals w someone they can do no wrong in my eyes unless its smthn like. awful u kno #anyway mwah love u all peace and love on planet earth #r.txt

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caligvlasaqvarivm · 4 months

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Okay challenge mode. You are a therapist and Eridan Ampora from Homestuck has just walked right out of his intro page into your office. How do you fix him?

put him and karkat in a room with a pile of stuff and tell them they can't leave until they've jumped into it and talked about their feelings

#realtalk therapy doesnt work unless the person getting the therapy puts in the effort to make it work #eridan starts the comic in complete and utter denial that he's in need of help #so there's really nothing i nor any stranger could do about that #HOWEVER he does talk to karkat often about his feelings (and vice versa) and #the reason they didnt hang out during the game seems to be #1) they were on separate teams and didnt realize the teams were the same team until later on #2) by then it was too late and eridan had aggro'd all his angels #3) gamzee was deliberately keeping eridan away from karkat and vice versa (likely bc gamzee had a palecrush on kk)#4) karkat was too busy falling victim to his own insecurities abt being a leader to pay attention to his actual friendships #4a) eg. it shouldve been the time player doing the frog hunt with kanaya & not the blood player #like im not saying moirallegiance with karkat would have fixed all of eridans problems but i am saying #what eridan really needed was a friend who took his problems seriously and could see past his bullshitting #and karkat already WAS that friend - they just never hung out #so by the time the meteor rolls around eridan has spent WEEKS feeling abandoned anxious and alone on his death planet #and karkat has gotten used to not thinking about eridan too much #so karkat - who is basically eridans only actual friend at that point - isnt able to get through to him & eridan snaps #like the thing about sburb/homestuck is that it really stresses the importance of friendship and working together #letting each other help with each others' problems #thats why the smallest viable game is still two people by necessity #so when we see things like gamzee snapping or eridan snapping or vriska snapping #as much as these are the 'fault' of the person snapping they also need to be viewed as comprehensive team failures #the people who should have spent the game together didnt and the people who shouldnt have spent the game together did #vriska was allowed to bully tf outta tavros and nobody intervened #eridan was left all alone and nobody tried to help him #and everybody was mean to gamzee and nobody tried to connect with him #and you know whose job it is to make sure the right people are hanging out together? the blood player #and unfortunately our blood player was so insecure that he was doing jobs that werent his to do #im not saying pale erikar would fix homestuck but i am saying pale erikar is a symptom of things being fixed in homestuck

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bunnihearted · 14 days

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being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me

#irl mostly. but even online. i cannot connect or find communities or support systems the way most of u can #even if i do have found great connections and one connection in particular im more than grateful for #but i have had so much of my humanness torn off for so long that i am awkward and useless in handling it #but yeah idk :/ im just so profoundly jealous of how everyone can just fit into a slot #even online when ppl talk abt being anxious and stuff they still have ppl to talk to #or ppl irl to hang out with and im like.. wow... i cant even do that :/#it is just so lonely in general. and it has made me confused and incapable of knowing how to be a human #and fully realise and actualize the one connection i do have #if i had gotten to learn and now know how to be a human and a person i would've... been a person #but now i feel so removed and far away from that idek how...#like im at a point where i cant even have simple and shallow conversations online bc im like so useless #maybe only other ppl with avpd and who have been socially rejected and isolated and alienated can fully understand what i mean #it is so scary and weird and i feel such deep envy for how people can just like... talk to eo. irl and online. i dont get it #and like the connection i do have that i mention bc it is so important to me.. that does all of those things #but it is like im so not used to anyone even keep wanting to have a connection with me #that i feel like bambi on ice 💀 for lack of a better metaphor #and inside of me idk how to dare to open up to it bc i've been numb and shut off i just dont know #i dont know. but i want to but idk how.#ahhhhhh wanna scream bc just trying to describe it so i can make sense of it is frustrating!!!!#it also sucks bc other ppl really dont seem to get how fkn weird and scary it is to feel so removed from humanness #and not even be able to do most basic human people things most ppl who are mentally ill or anxious do.. i cant even do that idk #talking and communicating is the main thing like ppl do not understand how fkn hard it is for me to even have a simple convo #and i cant explain it bc theres no way someone who doesnt feel the same and have avpd could get it...#but idk. i just hate all of this and i wish i had a normal functioning brain. i just wanna be like everyone else #even ppl w social anxiety are capable of having friends. and im terrified of losing the only connection i've somehow been lucky to get #in my hands??? im so scared of losing that but idk HOW to be a person and idk!!! idk!!#other ppl dont even think abt these things im so fkn jealous lmao #anyway whatever 😔

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swinging-stars-from-satellites · 6 months

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sigh. pray for me once more I've slipped up in dealing with my sinful thought processes and temptations

#why do I just Not Care if I sin as long as I don't feel guilty #like I Know in my head I should do one thing but it isn't strong enough to actually motivate me to unless I feel guilty and anxious abt it?#I don't get it. I think I just let my Feelings control me too much which is. a major issue in all aspects of my life #anyway. here I am again. confessing and repenting. hopefully I'll do better :/#prayer request

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iraprince · 7 months

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Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow

hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.

like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.

anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better

#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control #as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem #but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine #i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR #i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be #-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that #ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind

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aibouart · 3 months

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admittedly, i am afraid to talk about this, but have wanted to for a long while. i don't see a lot of people discuss this kind of thing, but i decided to do so for the me who was struggling and didn't know. also i have no idea where i am going with this and it's very late for me rn so here's a whole ass ramble on vent art. and also a bit more on how it's impacting how i view my art, now. i am terribly sorry if it's not very cohesive, my thoughts on it aren't yet cohesive either WOOPS

i wanted to talk a bit about how vent art really impacted my mental health, and how the idea that art needs some kind of meaning to have meaning really has been weighing on me lately (i know this is a concept i am assigning to my work and is not actually the norm/standard expectation of others consuming art. but it IS a sentiment i have seen enough that does impact me).

i want to specify, obviously i am not saying vent art is bad.

nor that doing vent pieces, or vent blogs, will ultimately result in what i went through for a number of years. rather, that this did happen to me, and there is a near impossible chance i am a unique case in any experience i will ever have. if you do vent art and it helps you, that's good! im not judging anyone for anything here. if your experience does not match my own, that's what it's like to be human~. i am not invalidating anyone on purpose by sharing my own experience. sorry for the insane disclaimer but it will eat me alive if i go to sleep thinking "what if they think x cuz i didn't say y and think im a terrible person"

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i used to do vent art frequently (you won't find much on here as it was uploaded to a personal at the time). anytime i felt down or had a line of dialogue in my head making me feel bad in a way, i would draw for it. but the way i had interacted with it was really unhealthy. it became a terrible feedback loop where i'd feel bad, draw how i felt bad, look at the art, and ruminate even more on how i felt bad, until it spiralled so out of control i would lose touch with reality and get lost entirely in feeling like garbage.

i would just get so lost in the cycle with vent art that it would make my mental space worse and worse, and i would use the vent art as a negative confirmation bias. the words that hurt me i wrote down and anytime i looked again, they would hurt me again. but i would keep looking, and i would keep drawing.

i have always used art as an outlet, but for some reason the way vent art impacted me was unhealthy. it wasn't a good outlet. and it took me years to cut ties with it. i relied on vent art for a long time, but it took a lot of introspection and thinking to realise it wasn't the release i thought it was. and it was hard to let go, too.

i haven't touched the blog in a few months, now. i haven't done much vent art at all since then and genuinely, i've been doing SOOO much better. i no longer ruminate nearly as much as i had done so, i no longer get caught in a feedback loop that lasts for days to weeks. i still feel like garbage like people tend to do, but i don't put myself in a cycle over it anymore. i have gone back to it a few times in moments of desperation, but what used to be every week/every few weeks is now once a month maybe. and not to the extent at all (i would oftentimes post ~20 images in one night, before).

but i keep thinking about how, while the way i had done vent art was bad for my mental health, i keep feeling that just because i do sparkly cute and happy drawings, now, or drawings with no real meaning, that my art has nothing beyond face value... i do like a lot of my vent art. i think their compositions, or hidden messages and meanings, or colour use, was interesting.

but it wasn't worth the price for me.

so i am a bit caught in an in-between, here. my favourite form of art is the expression of love-you liked something so much, you dedicated time to draw it. and yet i cannot ascribe that to my own work very often. i think that man i wish i could make art with some kind of deeper meaning, that speaks to people, that's more than just pretty colours or shiny shading or a character everyone likes, or a character i like. but i just... don't know if it's for me.

ultimately, i could develop a healthy relationship with expressing and exploring negative emotions or experiences through art, but... do i want to? do i have to? do i need to? is it not enough to just draw something because... i like it..?

of course, the answer is yes, draw what you want, draw how you want, it's your art. but i am still trying to come to terms with that idea. i dont want to be seen as some shallow artist who just draws what's cute and pretty because they can and it's all they can think of, but like what if that's just what i like to draw??

in the end, that alone is good enough, drawing because you like to, because it's fun, because you like the thing you're dedicating time to creating for. it's just hard to grapple with after discarding a type of art that i felt was the only way i drew "for real".

anyways i am sorry this is soooo fucking long, and for all the clarifications (IM STILL NOT SAYING VENT ART BAD AND EVERYONE WILL DO WHAT I DID!! Dx) and the fact i had no real point here (probably)

anyways i will continue to draw what i want because i like to, as i have always been.

#text #my art #doodle #sketch #sona #prince #cyclops #long post #HOLY SHIT THIS IS MUCH LONGER THAN I ANTICIPATED #sorry for the fucking rambling essay at 12am #tomorrow im doing cute commission art because its cute and i like that #i might one day share some of my fav vent pieces but for now its a bit weird #its also weird being open on any platform of mine not dedicated to being my personal blog #so im also very anxious abt that #but i wanted to try being more open and active on here too... so...#i hope this is ok #this isnt a vent either btw just me going on a ramble #i have been thinking abt it a lot the past year #also sorry for the many disclaimers #i am internetpilled and working on it #its funny cuz i dont even use twitter or tiktok which is commonly associated w the whole uh #people irl: hey whats up #kind of thing #i am very scared to share but i have a draft of this topic saved already like i do want to talk abt it #idk what i am afraid of so whatevs #also dont expect this much so anyone whos afraid ill be doing posts like this often #uh dont worry BSBDFBSD

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seventh-district · 4 months

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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go

(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)

#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill #well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst #like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made #bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you #but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings #and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste #there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc #so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything #if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is #which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose #anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages #or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing #i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know #it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess #as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence #the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education #i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype #sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen #there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions #like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity #like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem #but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.

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jrueships · 10 months

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sometimes i'll think abt a Fandom and wish it were bigger, and sometimes i'll read something from a fandom.. and wish it were smaller

#ppl seeing a confident black man : FINALLY! A PERFECT ANTAGONIST FOR OUR STORY!#THE CORRUPTOR!! THE ASSHOLE! MR KNOWS ALL!#i want to be bigger into football. i rlly do #but . omg. sometimes seeing just So Much . side eye shit is . like imagine my exhaustion #and this isnt me trying to be the behavior police like let ppl write but sometimes seeing such. Fun. patterns can be like #idk man it's sad like damn thats rlly how the world is and obvs i KNOW how it can be but it's real wack #real wack being reminded even in ur supposed happy place ur supposed lighthearted little break from the world #it's still not . idk. it's just not #oh the poor pale blond qb just a little anxious baby oh and his evil zany teammates trying to corrupt him oh theyre so terrible for my angel #:/#.. that is. a Grown. Man .#it's like replaying my 2nd grade teacher ******** me bcs i was a troublesome kid and it made her feel young and alive and bad again #like wtf am i corrupting you with maam? skibbity toliet ? leave me alone !!#listen. if it were smthing like 'x rlly likes tomatoes' when he actually likes idk carrots? i would not give a fuck. infact i prefer carrots #but bad patterns have smthing more to say bcs patterns in general have a story #it's more than 'he would not fucking say that' it's 'WHY tf are YOU making HIM say THAT of ALL people & THINGS???'#like i love having asshole characters in my stories too. and they can be poc ! NO ONE is a saint!#but having one just to fuel the only one u actually care abt? having their problems solely be for plot?? & making that one #a SPECIFIC kind of person ?? is kinda giving me 'u dont view x as a human which could mean you dont view x race as humans'#WHICH IS !! IT SUCKS ! THAT SUCKS!#i know i need to just suck it up and ignore it but thats like the life quote of being poc isnt it #ugh #it sucks

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zukkacore · 2 months

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Being. Sincere. I am genuinely. A little stressed bc. Of this stupid panopticon hellscape that is the modern internet and I do want to publish original fiction someday but I do not think I have the wherewithal to keep up with the pace and maintain the business aspect of being an indie publisher. Like. I know tradpub authors who get shit all the time for having used to write fanfiction but also. The shit I write would not make anyone in the shitty booktok boyfriend sphere blink and eye but also that’s not really my speed. Idk. May acting like my ambitions are loftier than that is stupid bc I am a genre fiction girlie at heart. But I also hate being pidgeonholed and writing to market the way indie authors are often forced to. I want to be able to make what I wanna make. And that’s. Assuming I could even get an audience as either a tradpub writer or indie writer in the first place

#I don’t regret anything but the idea of some asshole on Twitter in like 5 years #singling out a future book of mine as irredeemable media bc I wrote abt toxic old man yaoi then. I will be sick #shut up janelle #for a time being published felt like the only thing I wanted in the world #so idk #it doesn’t feel as important anymore #but I also am just. anxious abt having to be a more public figure #I miss when authors could be hermits

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coldswarkids · 2 months

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i only wrote 194 words today, but that is 194 words more than i have written in the past 3 weeks so i am telling myself that is good enough so that i can go to bed on time. 😭

#i have a very big project due at work VERY soon #it's extremely high pri and idk why they gave it to meeee it's so complex and is taking me forever #i stayed at work later than i should have #unpaid overtime to try and unsnaggle this problem #i am sooo stressed i had to rip myself away from my computer.#then i wwas like well i will just stay up later then #as revenge bedtime #but that will also be a bad idea #but i wanted to write because im also sad again abt my book being rejected so many times #and anxious about the manuscript submissions i did that havent been answered yet #i have to create things or i will be so upset and i will die.#that is what ive learned from periods of time where im not creative enough

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izzy-b-hands · 3 months

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Checked my old med records re: transition dates bc today's Pl/Pa appt is probably going to be a fucking doozy where I anticipate being quizzed on my transition thus far and future goals for it

And double checked the year to find out A. my memory is shit and I was off a year but also B:

Next year will be my 5 year anniversary on T!!

#text post #getting ready ahead of time for the appt rn and am just a bit stoned to make sure the anxiety doesn't annihilate me lmao #I'm so glad Housemate is coming with to help me out as needed during the appt #like. if they drop me as a patient after this at least I'll have a witness to how they've been acting/the results of it #bc I've never once been believed at the start abt issues I have w/medical providers #only after it's gotten worse #and I'll have someone to help me navigate both hitting the grocery store after the appt w/out breaking down & also in plans #to call the new office and explain what happened (if it does tho i'm hoping they'll just wait it out w/me until Oct for my new clinic appt)#and hope they can help keep me on T and my lamotrigine until my first visit w/them (tho I'm already on their waitlist too)#I still have so much admiration for PlPa but my god. this has been a fucking nightmare in the end for me #and has heightened parts of my dysphoria and made me more anxious and frustrated at being misgendered #which still happens unfortunately often but like. no one is gonna apologise so I just roll with it #and I really didn't need that on top of adjusting to a move across the country #but it's whatever bc i'll get thru this appt see the new doc eventually and things will be more stable w/my care #and in the meantime I can think abt anniversary celebration ideas for next year

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bddybby666 · 5 months

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