#i am fucking reeling from this discovery

[bluemoonfantasiesiii]

I have no words

[isaac-roc]

So, here are my thoughts on my little meow meows from the dlc (yes, I'm talking about the owls):

The first word that comes to my mind is ''victims''. These people are victims of the Eye, and of the game itself; the first one is easily explained by that one slide reel, which really broke my heart, in which one of those owls scans the Eye and then falls to the ground in horror after getting a nightmarish vision of what's to come. Just the expression on their face, man. I know I'm still pretty early in the dlc, but so far they present as people who just wanted to protect themselves, or take (very understandable) revenge. I'd say the former.

The second point sounds a bit strange, but it's the best way I can put it: they are "victims" of the game (this is not me saying the game did a bad thing, I think it's brilliant actually), in the sense that everything is made to give them a bad rep. The game itself warns you about being scary, and it's obvious that they're the ones you should fear, gigantic deer-owls with glowing eyes, intruding in our solar system with an eerie invisible ship filled with some dark and frightening mysteries.

But I find them sympathetic in every possible way. First, let's look at their stuff. Second only to Timber Hearth, the Stranger is the most welcoming place in the game. The only danger comes from the structures breaking; as a place itself, it's harmless (unless you're dumb enough to swim in rapids). It's way more friendly than Brittle Hollow and its horrifying annoying black hole, or the Ember Twin, which has the worst death in the game. Now, I'm not blaming this on the Nomai, they did what they could with what they had. But the owl people put a lot of effort into making their spaceship a perfect replica of nature, and they're the only ones to do that in the game. As for the contents and structures of the ship, you'll see a lot of personality - and art - there. Decorated houses, rugs and carpets with pretty geometrical patterns, custom furniture, and gorgeous paintings, not to mention the little stylized stuff, like the sun-shaped rotating plates on the doors. Then there's the decorations in the houses, and now we get to look at the owls as people. Their houses have individual and family portraits in them, which shows that they treasure family bonds, and in the slide reels, you can see that they are a pretty tight-knit community (barring that one portrait which is vandalized, which I'm sure will be relevant soon). You see them working together, sharing discoveries, and in that one very sad scene, comforting each other. To me, they are like the Nomai; an alien species of engineers/artists, who have a penchant for discovery, families, bonds, and an interest in the Eye. Oh, and a bunch of corpses lying around too.

But, unlike the nomai, they are presented as scary. Which definitely works, I am personally playing with a heart rate of 500 bpms, but they are only scary according to our horror clichés (and fear of the dark), and if you forget what they are: owls. Of course their eyes glow in the dark, they're owls. Of course it's dark as hell in their world, they're owls, nocturnal people. (I won't comment on the corpse-rooms yet because I'm not that far in the game.) And yeah, green fire is eerie, but all of their light-based tech is green. And having finally gotten the first jumpscare, I'll say... they're chill. Sure, it was terrifying, and for a second there I thought that bird was getting some slow-mo momentum to go for my fucking throat carnivorous style, but all they did was take a huge breath to... blow out my light. That's it. They just kicked me out of there.

So most of the things we find scary about them can just be explained by "they just live in the dark, man". They're just chill birds, who got betrayed by the one thing they worshipped, and are doing... something about it, not sure what yet. Sure, they're stupid huge and their eyes glow, but that's no reason to assume the worst in them. Or even fear them.

I'll wait till the sun comes back up to play though.

[impish-knight]

I've never felt like this before.

Pain had always been a companion of mine. It calms the demons, quiets the voice of descent, ceases the turmoil. Peace becomes obtainable in the chaos of war within my mind.

Something new has awoken in me - but it's already gone.

I moaned as you cut into my skin and drew blood from me to paint with. Panted as your knife dragged over my chest and lit my brain up with the knowledge of every kill zone it crossed. All you had to do was stop and plunge in and up to end my life in a slow and agonizing way.

Toes curled as I felt a sensation I've never experienced before in my life. I'd never know what it was if it wasn't for the copious amounts of dark smut I read out of sheer fascination. All those words now make sense, becoming a reality I never expected to experience. I'm struggling to reconcile my own self as you cut into me again, a sharp sting that travels deeper, lower, into my body that creates another involuntary moan.

"I'm having horrible thoughts at the moment," you say softly as you stare at my blood. I kant my head to look at you, chuckling under my breath with curiosity.

"Oh, yeah? Do share."

"I bet I'm making you moan more than he does. And unlike him, you'll feel every inch of me," your response comes out with a crooked smile, but your eyes show a sense of bewilderment and uncertainty.

I can't help but start laughing harder than I should, because you're not wrong. Any sexual experience I've shared has been with false moans and a will for it to be over much sooner than later. I have no sexual drive, never have, and I've made peace with that a very long time ago. I no longer shy away with explaining to people that not only am I non-binary, but I'm also asexual. You'll never have me lusting after you.

As laughter clears the air, there's a strained silence as I try to work through what's going on. Making eye contact feels like a weird idea, but I have to do it. What if I was wrong and I'm not actually ace?

"I probably shouldn't say this but... I'm really starting to doubt my own sexuality right now," I state gruffly and will myself to look at you, our eyes making contact. You hold it for a beat and pieces start falling into place. There's no drive to fuck you. No desire to climb ontop of you and find a release I've never wanted before. All I see is another person, my person whom I trust and care for, but no lust or desire to change what we're doing. I don't want you to touch me. No want for your lips on mine. None of these things I've read about that comes with this feeling explained in my books.

It doesn't change the fact that everytime you cut deeper than a mere scratch, the type I can feel my skin splitting apart, it zips lower to a place that has never reacted before. Now I have to do more research, though I already know that asexual still can have bodily reactions to stimuli and not a person. Out of all the dark, depraved, fucked-up violence delved onto my body, not once have I had this reaction. What the actual fuck?

Then my mind churns with the worry this will change knife play for us. I don't want it to, but you can't ignore an elephant in the room forever. Sooner or later it starts to stink and feel crowded. We've grown so much together and we've found another speed bump. I agree with me trying with someone else, see if I have the same reaction - but there are only two others I'd trust to do this with and they're not in our location. Guess we'll be traveling for science.

Even the next day my mind is reeling. The sensation stopped as soon as our scene was over. Sooner, really, if I think harder about it. It only came about as you were actively cutting me open and ceased when you switched to sensation play with the knife. I feel no different this morning than I did the start of yesterday. Though your question of if you could make me nut from cutting me makes me chuckle still.

The woes of self-discovery.

[youngpettyqueen]

some thoughts as I near the send of Discovery s1

so far I'm really enjoying this series. the story's been really cool, the cast is strong, and its been very enjoyable to watch. Michael is just. fucking fantastic. shes a strong lead, with layers and layers, with complexity, and shes a treat to watch. such a compelling and mesmerizing character. and also, I love the mirror universe tie-in. fantastic. especially Gabriel- holy shit that reveal had me reeling. I havent been that blown away by a plot twist in a long time

that all said. I am having a hard time viewing this series as a prequel. sure, we're in the middle of the war with the Klingons, and its been made very clear that this is a prequel, but still. theres a big risk in doing any prequel series long after the original, and this is especially the case in Star Trek, which not only has TOS, but also several series set long after TOS. the technology in Discovery simply looks far better and more advanced than most of the things we see in anything from TOS to Voyager

I want to be clear- I dont mean the special effects. because Enterprise had special effects that were leagues better than TOS, but the tech wasn't at the levels that TOS' was, in every aspect. translators, communicators, medical supplies and tech, the transporters, I could go on. even the ship itself, with its cramped quarters and dining halls. despite having much better effects and visuals, Enterprise feels old by TOS standards. Discovery doesnt have that. Discovery, even with old-style communicators and holograms, feels brand new. everything from Discovery's never-before-seen warp core to the uniforms feels new. that old feeling isnt there, so yeah. its really hard to view this series as a prequel

I'm still enjoying myself! I'm hoping I continue to enjoy myself. I just wish modern (live action) Star Trek content would focus less on prequels and focus more on what happens after, say DS9 and Voyager. and I dont mean that as a shot to animated Trek- I love Lower Decks, and I'm super excited to watch Prodigy- but if we're gonna have these live action shows with these AMAZING visuals and writing as strong as this first season has been, I'd love to see it applied to something that isnt yet another prequel

[wizardguy1993]

Retrospective on being thirty. Heavy content ahead.

I don’t particularly like turning thirty not because it’s cringe to be getting older or anything but bc my teenage years and childhood was spent training to be a evangelical Christian with an art career. I was a model of everything they wanted me to be. Annoying little narc perfect behavior kind helpful helpful helpful.

My twenties were spent reeling in extreme depression that comes from failing to do what I was trained for my entire life and my entire worldview changing.

And greatly disappointing my family making my mother cry bc I won’t let her call me her daughter anymore.

My father tells me this is my fault for rejecting Jesus, being a socialist, and appropriating manhood.

Plus the ADHD that never got treated till I was 23 bc my parents thought meds would be bad for me. So it only got worse.

Maybe I should be grateful they didn’t or I wouldn’t have flunked college and had those discoveries.

Geeze. Anyways.

And now I’m thirty.

And im “happy”to be here i guess?

And im glad I rejected Christianity bullshit and figured out I was guy. But I’m still depressed bc when you’ve been depressed for an over a decade that’s how your brain gets stuck.

I’ll be honest I was planning to be dead by any means necessary before this, but didn’t have the guts and now I don’t know what to do. Like, Hey. I wasn’t supposed to make it. Why the fuck am I still here.

And now My life still hasn’t started bc I never got training wheels for this kind of bike. I’m raw doggin a two wheeler and my balance would make the Wii Fit lady cry.

I guess I can stay just to see if I can make it to 40 or 50. I want to see the end of all the stories I’m following. I wanna see my friend graduate with those degrees. Change my name so they can’t put the dead one on a stone just in case. Maybe even get the tits chopped.

Plus if I don’t try to stay I’ll make my friends cry and I can’t stand the thought.

Sorry if you read through that and it was depressing. I’m going through it. It’s birthday. I hope I get to eat sushi and Chinese food and cake.

[ofstoriesandstardust]

one of the first fanfics i read in the TGM fandom was same mistakes on A03 and it never ever left my brain - one of my all time faves even still.

flash forward a few months and i read flight risk (also on A03) - another all time fave. even after all this time i get so excited when i see an update.

now to today! i’m just casually scrolling tumblr (i’ve only been on the app maybe a month and a half) and i come across your page - i fully did not realize that two of my all time favorite fics were from the same author🤯 and then, as my mind is just reeling from this discovery, i realize that you are planning a prequel series to one of my first and favorite universes?! i’m fully deceased.

bitch you are SO TALENTED. i cannot wait to see what else you put out and i never mind the wait between because i know when you update it’s always perfection. i’m always willing to wait for quality. anywhooooo sorry for the lengthy ask i just wanted to let you know that i love your page and master list and i feel very fortunate that you happen to write for one of my hyperfixations/comfort movies.

(also, p.s, “about you” by the 1975 reminds me of same mistakes before rooster and rebel ((mom and dad)) make up)

I AM IN LITERAL FUCKING TEARS HELLO???

the fact that you love both flight risk and same mistakes is astounding to me, both Rebel and Sunshine are so completely different in their own rights (and reflect completely different parts of me but we don't need to talk about that) that the fact that someone can love them both so much?? WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT ME FOR CREATING THESE CHARACTERS? I'M FUCKING YELLING GOODBYE

but real talk, I never expected Sunshine or Rebel to take on such lives of their own and they have both fully grown up in my mind and I love them dearly and I'm always so so happy to hear that everyone loves them so much?? they deserve the whole fucking world fr

speaking of me prequel series (yes, i know I wrote me, it's for the vibes) I literally just finished the first part (I say first but it was really just the first fic that wouldn't let me leave it alone until I was done) when I got this ask! imma post it in just a minute while I wait for my chipotle

about you feels so them, i love it!! i don't really listen to The 1975, but this song is one of my best friend's favorites so I knew it was gonna be a goodie

oh, this just made my whole week I'm going to need a month to process this

[tsuntsunfangirl]

my current state of mind nowadays

fuck why am i awake

10 more minutes

*wakes up an hour later*

i need to file that fucking work permit for the new studio in the new condo

fucking work permit why dont they approve it

why did i open my work laptop now i gotta check emails

FUCKING CLIENTS--

*opens up instagram* OH WAIT THE NEW LOWER DECKS EP IS OUT???

*responds to a friend who sent a reel about a sad-looking kitty*

why am i out of rice--

*murmurs angrily while writing up a graphics request*

*groggy voice during meeting* “hellogoodafternoon”

“yes i will send you that report from the last fiscal year”

*opens up tumblr as she listens to her client warble to another co-worker*

is that a moving gifset of cullen bohannon

*snaps out of it* shit i need to schedule this set of posts--

why is [co-worker] on leave?????????

noooooooooooooooo i neeed her to approve somethiiiing

*ends work-related nervous breakdown and grabs a cookie*

*goes back to tumblr and checks notifs* HAVEN TAGGED ME IN WHAT CHRISTOPHER PIKE POST NOW--

*stares into space thinking about a kpop song*

*gets into another meeting*

fuck i need to pack for moving day

I HATE MY LIFE

*shifts ends* fine im watching that lower decks episode--

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVEN’T FINISHED DISCOVERY S2 YET--

*more groaning*

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I’M OUT OF SNACKABLES????

[cloudpudding]

Review on... me

To be quite honest, I made so many friends on Facebook and Instagram, I havent looked at my Tumblr. I'm not as social as I seem, but I find people across the seas to be interesting. But I deactivated these social platforms cause it can waste time. But in doing so, I've flocked to my ghostly Tumblr that I once had my heart placed unto.

Here I sit in the dark, Christmas lights aglow, twinkling in little clusters to provide ambience to this big home I moved into not-so-long-ago. I toyed with Youtube music in order to have some music, I settled with a meager Final Fantasy sleep music --I am however not impressed.

I missed having late night me times that I once dutifully preformed when I was younger. I felt in tune with myself, what was all-at-once waves of inspiration, epiphanies, and discoveries. These days I sought to distract my mere existence with Reels from Instagram --I refuse to get TikTok perhaps due to my old age.

I'm getting old, Tumblr, what the fuck. I've changed so much. Where am I even going with this life? I still don't feel grown up. I am so sleepy, but even writing this has made me reflect more on myself, and that is a good thing. I am still --somewhat-- proud of who I am. Even if I dont know what the fuck i'm doing.

[televinita]

It’s time to play...

The fandom survey that dollsome-does-tumblr so courteously brings over from LJ! a.k.a. the true reason I posted that list of shows and also fave movies earlier. I’ve wussed out on most of the most interesting questions (#11 specifically), but still had a blast writing an unwieldy pile of words.

1. Favorite fictional characters this year

Danny, Lexi, Father Chuck and Aiden Shaw (Blood & Treasure)

Literally the entire original cast of Abbott Elementary, although Jacob is on thin fucking ice with that undercut in season 2, with a special shout-out to the delightful bonkers-ness that is Principal Ava

Both versions of Mark (Severance)

Brad (as played by Danny Pudi) on Mythic Quest

Ghosts Hetty & Pete (CBS Ghosts)

Al & Lizzie (United States of Al)

Alex (and her flippin’ adorable 3-year-old) in Maid

Anyone else listed in question 2

2. Favorite ships this year

DANNY/LEXI (Blood & Treasure)

CLAIRE/OWEN (Jurassic World)

Alan/Ellie (Jurassic World)

Robert/Giselle (Enchanted)

Janine/Gregory (Abbott Elememtary)

Mark/Helly (Severance)

Erik/Helen (Sweet Magnolias)

Jay/Daisy ("Barefoot")

Fell down the rabbit hole of revisiting Daniel/Irene and Johnny/Joyce during the Siberia rewatch

And Densi always, in the background (NCIS: LA)

3. Favorite TV shows to watch this year

Blood & Treasure!, The Amazing Race, The Chase, Maid, Ghosts, Abbott Elementary, The Exes, and an apparently infinite ability to rewatch random eps of Community & Seinfeld

4. Favorite books read this year

(not necessarily in this order)

5. Favorite song, album, or artist to listen to this year

Taylor Swift ended up my most-played artist on Spotify due to me scheduling 3 of her albums for me-release (a.k.a. I hear them for the first time as if they are new releases: the Taylor’s Versions and folklore).

Tied with Josh Groban, whose music basically comprised all of my listening from April through June, most of which was not via Spotify.

6. Favorite movies of the year

Done :)

7. Favorite TV show episodes of the year

See, this is the kind of thing that’s easier to answer when you watch shows as they air...ugh! All right. I can try this, at least w/ shows that aired this year.

Blood & Treasure: 2x04, 2x06 and 2x08 (Into the Forbidden Zone; Mystery at Poison Island; The Lost City of Sana)

The Amazing Race: season 33 finale

Abbot Elementary: 1x11 (Desking); 2x06 (Candy Zombies); 2x10 (Holiday Hookah), probably more tbh

8. First fandom of the year

It’s a tie between “holy crap I love The Amazing Race” and revisiting Blood & Treasure season 1, which occurred near simultaneously with my random love for the original video game series Uncharted.

(Honestly, watching husband play Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End for most of January, while I sat next to him alternating between reading and paying attention, was one of the coziest times in my life.)

9. Best new fandom discovery of the year

Oh, for sure Abbott; it is not often that a comedy can make me care about the characters and think about them beyond the weekly episode.

Unless we count the fact that this is the first time I actually dove into the fandom aspect of Jurassic World, in which case: that by a mile.

10. Biggest fandom disappointment of the year

A) I honestly can’t think of any bummers except the Blood & Treasure S2 DVD being expensive as hell and having no extras beyond a 2-minute gag reel (that they released online anyway). Which, considering it was locked up on a streaming service while airing, I AM grateful it’s on DVD at all + I do love a gag reel, but...season 1 had deleted scenes on every episode and I really wanted more of those, ideally plus some BTS stuff about filming since this is one of the few shows where I care about every little aspect of the production.

A-2) If I’m being really picky, I am disappointed that the one shippy thing I didn’t get in season 2 was any sort of pillow talk or other snuggling in bed. I got everything else under the sun I could possibly want, sure, but not my favorite.

B) and I am of course generally disappointed in HBO Max for being a little bitch and disappearing so much of its content. None of it was relevant to me and this is the last streaming service I would ever pay for, but that sets a scary precedent.

C) I just learned that DCC: Making the Team has officially been canceled after 16 seasons, the last one covering the 2021 season. Aww. Guess I only have 1.5 left unseen. (supposedly the organization is “in the process of negotiating a new partnership and [looks] forward to continuing to feature the DCC on a new platform,” whatever that means, but that was in April.)

11. Biggest squee moments of the year

I should honestly make a new post about this, because my brain is mostly a  blur of ideas re: --

* The nine thousand seven hundred and forty-four squee-worthy Claire/Owen and general found-family bits in Dominion

* every episode of Blood & Treasure S2 (I really do need to make a new post to count all the shippy bits up -- kisses and I-thought-you-were-dead moments and two other near-death experiences and reunion hugs and, and, !!!)

* THE KISS (Severance)

* Valor giving me exactly what I came for in terms of intense makeout sessions and two gunshot wounds

* too many family and/or shippy bits to count (still) in Disenchanted -- here are some of them -- and also a very unexpected yet soul-fulfilling “I used to be good at things :( “

(sidebar, I am still a MESS OF FEELINGS about the lyric I thought I’d found a place where I could makes things better / but all I did was change where I would fail. GISELLE!!)

* post-danger bed snuggles (NCIS: LA) and adoption joy!

...huh, that is actually more squee than I remember, good to know.

12. Favorite main character of the year (see #1) 13. Favorite villain of the year

"The Great Khan” on Blood & Treasure :)

14. Favorite m/f ship of the year

Danny/Lexi. Not even Claire & Owen took me to the stars like them.

15. Favorite f/f ship of the year

Normally I got nothin’ here but I would endorse the idea of Violet / Lexi in their younger days

16. Favorite m/m ship of the year

I got nothin’. The Klaine Stands Alone.

17. Your fictional true love of the year

Guess. (although, honestly, there were some fantastic dudes in books who could compete in this category too. In fact, here are my four favorites --

A. Joshua Avery (Before I Called You Mine) B. Everett St. James (Very Sincerely Yours) C. Adam Bradford (Lake Season) D. Jack forgot-his-last-name (Lease on Love)

18. Fandom that you never expected to get into

Honestly I’m still pretty stunned I found anything to enjoy about Severance and Mythic Quest at all.

Also, Hit the Floor is definitely not something I’d have been able to stand before I fell in love w/ the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders show. The fact that it is continuing to hold my interest despite having zero ships to root for and a maximum of two arguably handsome men is truly something.

19. Fandom that made an unexpected comeback

SIBERIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (plz watch it) (it’s on Tubi plz plz watch it)

20. Last fandom of the year

Valor or Hit the Floor

21. Overall favorite fandoms of the year (see #22) 22. Your main fandoms throughout the year

2022 will forever be the year of The Amazing Race, Jurassic World and Blood & Treasure* (*part II)

23. The most missed of your old fandoms

I do miss when there was an official @nbcsiberia​ Tumblr that interacted with us all

24. Fandom resolutions for next year

Find/watch more shows with shippy kicks! Finally watch the shows on my watchlist* instead of whatever low-emotional-impact nonsense I can find on a streaming service! #MyGoalsAreVerySpecific.

(*maybe this should also be its own post; I really need to make A Plan)

On a serious note, maybe finish posting my semi-to-entirely complete fics over on AO3. I thought finally making an account was the only obstacle to my inertia and everything would be fine once I posted my first fic, but nope! Still a monumental effort to convince myself to put anything out in the world.

25. Fandom predictions for next year

????????????

(I’ve been thinking for a week but I have nothing)

[synchlora]

so long story short i watched frankenweenie as a child back in 2012 and heard frank iero sing once and that's why im fucked up

[buffysummerslay]

I have watched Lucifer series finale yesterday and I am still reeling from feelings, feelings I need to work through to be able to move on.

Unfortunately, I am late to the party and I have started watching Lucifer (despite the show being on my radar for a few years already) when season 6 came out, and this turned avoiding spoilers about the ending as well as the show itself into an extremely hard task. I have, of course, seen some reactions to the ending and it was obvious that the viewers were divided between "the ending was amazing, they really did the story and the characters justice" and "what the fuck was that". I always take these reactions, especially when they come instantly after the episode has ended, with a grain of salt because, realistically, I haven't been fully satisfied with the way a tv show has ended - any tv show - since, like, 2010. However, I also know that there is a difference between "okay, the ending was anticlimactic/disappointing/etc, however, it is the journey that matters and I am still pretty happy with the show" and HIMYM type of ending where you are like "I want this show wiped from my memory because the final hour has ruined the entire experience for me". So, I took some time to reflect on the events that took place, gather my thoughts, and make my peace with the ending. After doing that, I can comfortably say that I am not fully satisfied with the ending because of one very simple reason - I can make sense of the choices taken by the character at the very end of the show only if I use "Lucifer gave Rory his word" rationale, and not because I believe in the theory they provided or the choices they make. So here are some of my thoughts about the ending of this beloved show, including both the things I liked and disliked. Be warned, there are spoilers ahead so if you haven't seen the show, the final season or the series finale, please stop reading because you don't want to manifest spoilery energy into your life!

The main thing I have a problem with is the time loop. I will begin by saying that I really dislike time travel in general - I think that it is an overly used plot divice that more than often creates holes in the story instead of driving the narrative where it needs to go, unless the concept of time travel is integral to the show, like for example in Timeless and Fringe. However, in this case, I dislike that the major characters have made a major decision (a serious, impactful, life-altering decision) based on a flimsy theory. And since they have told us exactly what will happen in the end, we simply didn't know why and how, I have expected a more bulletproof reasoning instead of a rushed conversation wrapped up in five minutes and sealed by a promise. Lucifer leaves Chloe and Rory and goes back to hell, Rory grows up resenting him and she becomes so angry she travels through time to confront him only to end up being the reason for his departure, therefore creating an unbreakable time loop. She makes her parents give her their word that they won't change a thing in order to make sure that Lucifer discovers his true calling, which is helping souls in Hell break their hell loops and ascend to Heaven. And the reason I am so hesitant to accept this is because of two reasons:

1. Lucifer has made amazing progress through the show when it comes to his character development, finding his worth and making peace with his identity, and yet you are trying to tell me that this is the only way he would discover his true calling, especially now when he has a higher level of understanding himself than ever before? And especially since these thoughts and doubts have already been in his mind aka him postponing to become God long before Rory's arrival into their timeline!

2. The consequences of our actions are the results of the choices we make, not the other way around. And sometimes, different choices can lead to different outcomes and sometimes the array of choices we make lead to the same outcome. It is absolutely possible that if they broke the time loop and made different choices, that their actions would lead them to the same outcome aka Lucifer finding his calling while remaining in their lives. I think that it is fully possible for them to make a timeline B (the timeline that would have been created if they broke the time loop) based on the discoveries from the timeline A (their current timeline). There's no reason for me to believe otherwise.

Apart from the discovery of Lucifer's calling, the only thing that came out of the time loop was pain, suffering and probably a lot of loneliness. Even the good things that came out of the time loop (like Lucifer and Rory bonding) are a consequence of the pain that it caused. Of course, if they broke a time loop and created a completely new timeline, choices they would make there could theoretically end up having worse consequences on their lives. They could also be better, or they could be completely the same. The thing is, we don't know, we can only speculate and that is exactly what bothers me. The main characters made a major decision based on a speculation. I don't necessarily have a problem with the things that have happened, but rather with how they happened and how they were explained. Or better to say, how they weren't. I think that they should have completely dedicated the season to exploring this and reassuring us that this is the right choice to make and the right way to go.

Also, the concept of free will and making one's own choices has been pretty integral to the show. We have watched Lucifer struggle with the concept since the beginning of the show because he was convinced he is only a puppet in his father's grand plans. There were many events in the show reinforcing that belief, like Chloe being the gift from God. It took him seasons to accept that he chose to stay in her life, to be close to her, to be her partner in work as well as in life and in that acceptance he finally found the strength to tell her that he loves her. He chose her and she chose him. And while one can argue that leaving them and going back to hell was Lucifer's choice (since, technically, he could have chosen to break his word to his daughter and change things), it is one he didn't want to make. In the final episode he says that he desires to watch his daughter grow up and before he leaves for Hell he tells Chloe he doesn't want to leave her (she even responds that she doesn't want him to leave either, but that this is the choice that they are making for Rory's sake), making me feel like he is making this choice out of duty, out of fear and not because he wants to. He finally accepted that the choices he makes are his and his only, and the final choice in the show was made for him instead by him - I really don't think that the character deserved this. Lucifer gave Rory his word and we know he always goes by his word - they have turned one of the most essential qualities of his character into a plot device and an instrument that caused pain. Additionally, since Rory asked him not to change anything, it was implied that Lucifer can't come back to Earth in order not to risk changing anything even though it is completely possible for him to balance his work hours in Hell and his family time on Earth, like Amenadiel did. I also found this completely unfair and it felt like Lucifer was "banished" to Hell, not only missing out on being with Chloe and watching Rory grow up, but also staying away from his friends and the life he had built for himself. However, on the brighter side, Lucifer doing this - something he doesn't completely understand, something he doesn't want to do - is incredibly selfless of him and only shows how much he has grown. A character who has been described as selfish and self-serving from the very beginning does something so ultimately selfless, something that doesn't serve him in any way - quite the opposite, it pains him. As I said, I don't necessarily mind how things played out, I mind the lack of guarantee that they had to be this way. The only thing we don't know is if Lucifer and Chloe were in contact over the years since Chloe could have kept in touch with him behind Rory's back - maybe she sent him pictures of Rory, and maybe they exchanged letters. I am very doubtful because this would probably make the whole situation harder on them nor do I think that they would risk it because they wouldn't be able to know if their actions are breaking the time loop or if they are a part of the original timeline but hey, this is the stuff that fan fictions are made of!

And finally, I very much disliked the parallel between Lucifer and God - Lucifer abandoning his child for the sake of doing his job and that child growing up resenting him - if it was their intention to draw such a parallel. I think that God somewhat "redeemed" himself in Lucifer's eyes and that through accepting himself Lucifer also learned how to stop resenting his father for the things that transpired between them, and I don't necessarily believe that Lucifer had to walk in his father's shoes to understand him. So, in my opinion, this was completely unnecessary. Something I did like was Lucifer's calling - I think that it shows nicely the full circle he has made and that the souls he thought he is supposed to torture he is now helping heal. In a way, Hell is also the reflection of who Lucifer is - when he saw himself as broken, as evil, as unworthy and undeserving, Hell was also a place of torture - it was a reflection of him. And now that he accepted himself and that others have accepted him for who he is as well, it is a place of healing. In the end, Hell is his kingdom and he can choose to rule it the way he wants to. He broke his own hell loop and he truly became a lightbringer.

And, of course, Lucifer and Chloe (they are so soft and I am so soft for them). Taking into consideration my very bad OTP track reckord, I kinda expected a much, much worse ending for them - I mean, the Devil falling in love with a human, what could possibly go wrong, right? I knew from the very beginning that they aren't getting a pure, wholeseome, family-like ending. In order for that to happen, she would either have to become immortal (leaving Trixie, losing her detective identity), or he would have to become mortal - both of these scenarios feel cheap and I never would have wanted this for them or the show. Another option was to give them their happy life on Earth but then they would either have to leave a somewhat open ending or deal with the fact that ultimately, as a mortal, Chloe will die. And if they were given their happy ending on Earth, who knows if they would end up together in afterlife. Even if they did, it definitely wouldn't feel as emotional and as gratifying as it does now. The thing is, it is easy to give in to the pain of their separation when we measure it by the pivotal moments of happiness and loss that drive the lives of humans - him not being there when Rory was born or when she grew wings or when she started school - and it is even harder when you know how much she needed him and how much he wanted to be there for her. It is even more painful when you think about Chloe spending her entire lifetime without him, carrying all that pain inside of her, and him spending what had to be centuries alone in Hell. However, this is a fantasy show and many of our characters are immortal, celestial beings who have a different understanding of time, so maybe the idea of what a happy ending is and the rules for measuring happiness aren't the same as they would have been under other circumstances. Chloe became lieutenant and tried to make a difference, and she got to raise her daughters and see them grow up, and Lucifer helped so many souls heal, doing so much good. And now they get to spend the eternity together, solving crimes and kicking ass in the afterlife! Many of their friends and family are immortal, celestial beings too and (I am pretty sure) they can pay a visit to their human friends in Heaven... or see them in Hell, but let's hope not! In the end, what is one lifetime compared to eternity? Of course, none of this makes for the time they have lost, the momories they didn't get to make and the moments he wasn't there for, but now there are so many new memories they will get to make and so many moments to catch up on. It is bittersweet, but I think that's how it was supposed to be - in the end, pain is part of life.

I also have a few (dis)honourable mentions:

1. I am really sad and disappointed Lucifer didn't get to say goodbye to Trixie. She was gone for the majority of the season, but she was also a very important person in his life and he loved her. And we know how much she loved him.

2. I can't get over Rory travelling through time to kill her father because she is angry at him... sis, you kill him before he makes you, you wipe yourself out of existence.

3. I can't believe that they were surprised that Chloe got pregnant after having loads of superhuman sex (without any protection, apparently) after another human already got pregnant with an angel not that long ago.

4. Lucifer saying goodbye to Maze will forever remain one of the most beautiful scenes in the show.

5. The final major scene between Chloe and Lucifer, where they say goodbye before he leaves for hell, lives in my head rent free. I was choking on tears watching that scene, I literally had to pause and rewind three times. Such a beautiful(ly painful) scene. Also, when you have a ship and a person A says to the person B "close your eyes", pain is coming. I swear I travelled back to 1999 when Buffy said the same thing to Angel before sending him to a hell dimension.

6. When Chloe dies and goes to Heaven and Amenadiel greets her and asks her if she's ready to go home and then takes her to Lucifer was so pure. Her Heaven is being in Hell with Lucifer and there's something deeply poetic about that.

7. Hearing hello detective for the last time cleared my skin.

I have really and truly enjoyed the show, and the minor inconsistencies I see in its ending can't change that. I loved the show because it told stories about people and it allowed them to drive the narrative, and I can't say many shows these days do that.

[evansyhelp]

✧ ASK MEMES   —   BLACK SAILS 4.06-4.10. Content Warnings: piracy, war, death, murder, violence. Change pronouns/titles to fit!

“They respect you, so they’ll listen to you.”

“You were older. You were beautiful. I revered you.”

“We have no choice but to defend ourselves!”

“The one thing he's never done is force me to choose between him and you. That, you did.”

“We’re at war... and you’re an asset.”

“Despite what’s gone on, you are my friend.”

“You chose. Live with it.”

“You’re welcome to stay if you like.”

“You were a pirate once.”

“It is a new day. But one that demands we all unite behind a common cause.”

“Amongst pirates, loyalty changes quickly, it seems.”

“If we fight them together, there's a good chance we live, hold our ground, maybe even fight them off.”

“I loved you. And I betrayed you. But I cannot apologize for it.”

“If I apologize, you will know it is a lie. And I do not wish to lie to you ever again.”

“I am going to stay with you. I want to take care of you.”

“One can be happy that way, can't they? A life of isolation and uncertainty as long as it is lived with someone you love... and who loves you back. It is possible, isn't it?”

“‘If we’re lucky’ is not a notion that’s worked well for us recently.”

“I tried to save her.”

“I’ll not leave anyone behind.”

“Seems a fair amount of resentment towards you these days. I just want you to know... that I remember what you did for me.”

“How can we all have sacrificed so much and none of us has anything to show for it?”

“I want him to pay for all of it dearly. Do you want to help me or not?”

“I need you to know...that I did everything I could to keep her safe. I... I don't expect that to mean anything.”

“It wasn’t... your fault. It wasn’t your fault.”

“This war is going to begin. This camp is going to fight it, with or without you.”

“They may call you a king, but only in the kingdom that is no more.”

“You'll have plenty of time to murder her another day. Right now, you need to rest.”

“No one changes the world. Not like this. Not all at once. The world is too strong for that.”

“I can't let this be for nothing. I just can't. It has to mean... something.”

“You have to trust my judgment for a little while while yours is reeling.”

“You’re one of them. You’re a pirate. You are!”

“Why would I even consider taking on a pirate as a partner like this?”

“When you and I are of the same mind... there is nothing we have not yet been able to do.”

“She died fighting. As will I.”

“She wants him dead and she wants me to do it.”

“I do it for us. That’s how it started. That’s how it’s going to end.”

“What if the result of this war isn't beyond the horror? What if it is the horror itself?”

“I think that you are the best of us.”

“Why are you doing this? Talking about us like it's a thing? I don't know who broke it first. But it broke. And there ain't no putting it back together again.”

“Privacy always comes with a price, dear.”

“Do not ask me to choose between a war and a wife. I do not think you’re going to like the answer.”

“I do not expect your understanding, but I demand your support. As my partner. As my friend. Do I have it?”

“You killed my friend. I wanted you to know that.”

“To rise from where you began... to where you now stand, I cannot imagine the road you've travelled.”

“The crown does not divide. It cannot be shared.”

“Hear me very clearly. There is no hidden message and no equivocation. You will make no move against him.”

“Fuck you doing out here? It’s a fucking mess out here. Come inside.”

“I refuse to situate a man in a position where he might interfere one day with my ability to repair things with you.”

“You are the bravest person I have ever known. The truest person I have ever known.”

“I betrayed you and it sickens me. I am so sorry for working so hard to protect the wrong things. For failing to see that there is nothing important that does not include you.”

“There is nothing important that does not include you.”

“I know you know how to fight. I want to teach you how to fight and not die.”

“For pride to be an issue between you and I... well, I think we're playing past that by now. Don't you?”

“Am I not what I am at this point?”

“You are, for now, a necessary evil here. Do not test my patience.”

“You're still watching my eyes, which is a good way of getting yourself killed.“

“Jesus Christ, don’t do that. If you want to ask where I come from, just ask.”

“You have no idea the restraint this takes. How urgent the instinct towards violence.”

“You know of me all I can bear to be known. All that is relevant to be known. That is to say, you know my genuine friendship... and loyalty. Can that be enough and there still be trust between us?”

“Don’t wait for me! Go!”

“You cannot honestly believe that placating me is going to repair what's been broken here.”

“You think killing me means defeat for them? You will have given them a martyr to unite them.”

“What are you doing down here? Are you a fucking coward?”

“Pain is an exceptional tutor.”

“How much ransom can be afforded for the cause? How many casualties can be tolerated for the cause? How much loss?”

“This isn’t a war. That is a fucking nightmare.”

“In the dark, there is discovery, there is possibility. There is freedom in the dark once someone has illuminated it.”

“ All this will be for nothing. We will have been for nothing.”

“I will stand here with you... for an hour, a day, a year...”

“I lost you once. I would not do it again.”

“He trusted you. He was your friend. And you killed him.”

“You may think what you want of me. I will draw comfort in the knowledge that you're alive to think it. But I’m not the villain you fear I am.”

“A story is true. A story is untrue. As time extends, it matters less and less. The stories we want to believe... those are the ones that survive.”

[magnoliasinbloom]

Lie To Me - 9

AO3 :: Previously

Claire blinks, visibly baffled. For a moment, she doesn’t even know what to say, processing what Jamie’s revelation means for their own relationship. She shakes her head to clear it. “You say that having children is one way for your uncles to take the land. How do you manage to not… you know?” Claire blushes.

“Och, Sassenach, I’ve told them that the burns may have made me… unable to sire children. Nerve damage and such.” Jamie matches her reddening cheeks. They both know he is perfectly capable of performing.

“The other way they win is if you—you die. Does this mean that they’ve tried that?”

“Not yet. I agreed to marry as well because Jenny has bairns of her own, including boys. They can inherit too, but I dinna wish my uncles to harm them in their pursuit of wealth and power.” Jamie’s voice is hard. “There was the fire, but that was merely a happy accident that didna turn out as well as they would have hoped.”

“The fire? Your scars?” Claire asks, and Jamie and Murtagh exchange glances.

“Start at the beginning, a bhalaich. Dinna confuse the puir lassie.” Murtagh pours them another tumblerful. Claire is still nursing the first drink, her mind reeling with the information regarding Jamie’s marriage.

“A few years ago, I was working late at night at the Leoch office building. I was still inexperienced, tryin’ to prove meself at the job. I had a colleague; his name was Alexander McGregor.” Jamie’s eyes are full of shame, but his voice is steady. “He had stayed that night too. When I was finally leaving, I noticed he was in a private conference room, with the blinds drawn. That was smart, for Alex knew there were cameras in there. I thought it might be something serious, for their talk grew so heated I could hear the argument coming from the room. I thought I’d knock and defuse the situation.” Jamie paused to take a deep draught. Claire is tempted to reach for his hand and comfort him, but senses this is a story he has to tell for himself.

“Before I could turn the doorknob, I heard a muffled gunshot and I broke into the room. I could only see Alex for a second, slumped in a chair, blood pouring from a hole in his stomach. The man struck me in the heid wi’ the gun, and I dropped like a stone.” Claire gasps softly.

Jamie plows ahead resolutely. “I woke up a few minutes later when I smelled the smoke, the gun in my own hand, and it was already too late. Alex was dead, and the room was up in flames. The man had rigged the wiring on the overhead lights when he left and caused the fire, disabling the sprinklers too. Wi’ the closed door, it was an inferno. My back was seared and blistered, the skin peeling off as I tried to get Alex’s body out. Or so the doctors told me.  ‘Twas a miracle I survived at all.”

Murtagh clears his throat. “He was in the hospital for a month. Jenny and I were terribly worried, thinking he might not pull through.”

“But why?” Claire bursts out, bewildered. “Why kill Alex?”

“Alex discovered internal documents that implicated men in power, links to bank accounts of several police officers, judges, and politicians on Leoch Holdings’ payroll. My uncles were—are—trading money for favors, overturning convictions, and legislating in the company’s interests.”

“During the investigations, we found no trace of any document in the room, most everything had burned up,” Murtagh says. “There was also no CCTV footage available. Someone had tampered with the video.” With this, the old man stood up, and unlocked a metal filing cabinet next to his desk. Claire watched in fascination as he manipulated a false bottom and extracted a fat manila envelope. “But then we got these.”

“Murtagh took care of my dingy flat while I was in hospital. Alex had messengered over copies of the documents in secret—wise of him, to leave no digital trace. There was a letter explaining what it all meant, and who the man was—Stephen Bonnet, he’s a commander in the force. Murtagh saw it, and could verify that my name was not on the records. Therefore, I was unlikely to be involved in my uncles’ dirty business.”

“Why did he not tell you from the start?” Dread was settling into Claire’s very bones, as she grasped the magnitude of the situation.

“He didna trust me, I imagine. Upon his discovery, he assumed I was in cahoots with my uncles, bein’ family and all. But I made certain comments to him that probably convinced him I was unaware of their dealings.”

“What did you tell him?”

“At the time, when I started at Leoch, my uncles were pressuring me to date and marry Laoghaire. I told Alex this, and said that it was wrong and I plain didna want to, and if they fired me for it, they could go fuck themselves and I’d work bagging groceries at Tesco before I’d let them bully me like that.” Claire almost smiles at this vehement outburst. “I lost on that account.”

“And Bonnet?”

“He was listed under an assumed name on the documents. That’s why Alex, poor lad, didna think he might be involved either. Bonnet fixed it so Alex’s body was not autopsied, so no one could ken of the gunshot wound that killed him. The McGregors were told there were no real remains, and they had only ashes to mourn. My uncles—”

“Threatened your life if you exposed them and forced you to marry,” Claire finishes for him. “But there is no proof of you doing any wrong!”

Murtagh sighed. “We thought so as weel. But Colum and Dougal’s reach is much longer than ye ken.”

“They had tech experts alter images and deep fake a video that pin Alexander’s death on me,” Jamie says. Claire shakes her head.

“But surely anyone—”

“’Tis my word against theirs. With their endless resources and contacts in law enforcement and the courts, who would believe me?” Jamie’s tone is final and resigned.

Silence weighs heavy in the air; Murtagh collects their empty glasses and sets them on his desk. “I’ve used my position in the force to continue to gather evidence, more papers, whatever I can use to help bring Colum and Dougal MacKenzie to justice, and absolve Jamie from any blame. I’ve involved Chief John Grey from the SCD, Specialist Crime Division, who works with organized crime, and it’s taken us years to be able to discern who to trust and who is in Leoch’s pockets.”

Claire is stunned at this turn of events. She had expected a godfather who at best, might cajole her into believing that Jamie’s marriage was a lie, an economic convenience of sorts, and that had been true after a fashion. But she had not predicted that this was an issue involving crime, illegal activities, and the death of an innocent man. Jamie appears to read her thoughts.

“That is the truth, Sassenach, and I trust ye enough that I ken well ye willna expose the ongoing investigation, or speak to anyone about what happens at Leoch. I’ve endangered yer very life by making ye privy to my story, and for that I am truly sorry.”

“Jamie, I—” Claire’s voice breaks. She casts about for what she wants to say. “Thank you for trusting me. I won’t say anything, not even to Geillis,”—at this she remembers G is still waiting in the lobby— “and… and I want you to understand, we are what we make ourselves, we use what we have, and we decide what we are. You, James Fraser, are an honorable man.”

X-x-X

Jamie remains behind to spend time going over new evidence with Murtagh. Claire assures him Geillis and she will head straight to their flat, and he asks if she would call him tomorrow. He doesn’t want to assume, he doesn’t want to lie anymore; he will give her time to think, to decide if this is something she also wants, if she feels as he does, their short acquaintance be damned. Can Claire risk her heart?

There is an unbearable weight of sorrow pressing upon Claire’s spirit; as she rides the elevator, descending numbers flashing in the display, she racks her brain trying to figure out if there is anything, anything at all she can do to ease his burden.

When she spots Geillis waiting for her, she realizes how lucky she is to have a friend like her—unconditional, constant, a forever kind of friend. G had been there for her in her darkest times, even when…

Suddenly it hits Claire. Without a word, Geillis follows her out into the rainy Glasgow night.

“What’s happened? Are ye convinced? Was he telling the truth?”

“Oh, G. I can’t even tell you. He’s for real, and he’s just been so unlucky in life… I have to help him.”

“What do you mean? Help him how?”

“I’m going to call Frank.”

[scarabbai]

Adeptus Fragile! Handle with Care.

Rating: T

Relationships: Ganyu & Xiao | Alatus, Xiao | Alatus & Zhongli, Ganyu & Zhongli, etc.

Fic Summary:

Centuries have passed since the age of the Traveler and their companions, and the immortals of Teyvat—or what’s left of them—have moved on, living modern lives in modern times. The adepti of Liyue are no exception.

But when something rather unexpected happens, their modern life begins to get a little... too modern. One sunny morning, the great Conqueror of Demons, an accomplished senior in the ranks of the Adepti, wakes up and looks at the world with innocent eyes.

“Who am I?”

Archons, someone give poor Ganyu a break...

-

Chapter 1:

In which Xiao wakes up

AO3 Link

The first thought that comes to him when he wakes up is: Fuck, my head hurts.

The second one comes after, when he pulls the sheets tighter around himself and buries his face in his pillow with a groan: I don’t want to get up.

The third slams into him just as he’s about to fall back asleep: Wait, where am I?

He bolts upright in bed, shaking the sleep out of his eyes like a wet dog shaking out its fur. He regrets it when it only makes his headache worse, but the fact that he doesn’t recognize any of his surroundings when his eyes do a quick sweep of the room overshadows that.

Alright, this is fine. Everything is fine. Remain calm. Remain calm, uh...

The realization crashes down on him like a wave, leaving him cold and shivering.

He doesn’t even know his own name.

Okay. Okay, you know what? He can do this. He can work with this. First things first: get situated.

He makes a move to get out of bed, but with his legs tangled in the sheets, it ends with him taking a rather ungraceful tumble instead. His face burns with embarrassment when he lands on the floor with a thud, reduced to nothing more than a balled up heap of limbs. Frustrated, he kicks and struggles blindly, but it only gets him more jumbled up. He’s like a cat trying and failing to escape a blanket cocoon.

He huffs. Mortals and their needlessly irritating fabrics...

Wait, what? Where did that come from? He scrunches up his face in confusion, puzzled by his own thoughts.

Thankfully, he doesn’t need to think much more about it when he hears a knock at the door.

“Xiao,” calls a voice from outside the room, and his head snaps toward the sound. Shit, someone’s here. “Xiao, are you alright in there? I heard a loud noise.”

He doesn’t respond, not trusting his own ability to speak. What should he say? What should he do? And why is that voice, of all things, so familiar? It’s comforting, despite having no idea who it belongs to.

The knocking comes again, more insistent this time. “Xiao,” the voice repeats, firmer but concerned. “If you don’t say anything, I’m coming in!”

He struggles harder in response, but his awkward flailing gets him nowhere. He slumps in defeat. Apparently, this is his life. Whoever he is, bested by a very long and very tangled roll of cloth.

When the door opens, he freezes. A girl with light blue hair steps into the room. She has a gentle and earnest look to her despite the worry written all over her face, and...

Are those horns on her head?

There must be some kind of next level pathetic expression on his face because when she glances over and sees him looking the way he does on the floor, her first reaction isn’t laughter. Instead, she gasps in horror and rushes over, kneeling down and fretting over him in a way that makes him tense up and abandon the idea of wriggling free. He shrinks away and hides his face from her big, purple-pink-whatever colored eyes—they make him feel guilty, somehow.

“Xiao, what’s going on? What happened?” She reaches out but seems to rethink her decision, pulling her hand back before it can touch him. Is he poisonous or something? “It must be the karmic debt again... I’ll call Zhongli, he’ll know what to do.”

She’s back on her feet almost instantly, but before she can turn and leave, some unknown impulse—fear? Loneliness? Just the need for an explanation?—has him reaching out.

“Wait,” he pleads, and the sound of his own voice surprises him somehow. “Don’t go...”

The words stop her in her tracks. He can’t identify the emotion in her eyes when she slowly leans down again to take in his teary-eyed expression, but he thinks it might be uncertainty. Or suspicion? Maybe it’s just intense focus. He’s not sure what that something is, but he’s pretty sure now that he’s bad at reading people.

With that same look of scrutiny on her face, she cautiously reaches out and places a hand on his forehead. Her skin is cold to the touch, and he fights the urge to flinch away. He’s learning very quickly that he’s unused to physical contact.

Despite this, something inside him relaxes as the coolness spreads from his head to the rest of his body. She’s trustworthy, he decides. He may not know who she is or why her presence is so soothing, but he knows this.

Is she family? She feels like family. He does have a family, right?

A thoughtful—and somewhat displeased—hum breaks him out of his thoughts. Expression blank but eyes curious, he blinks up at her while she puts her hand to her chin and frowns at him. She seems troubled.

“Xiao–” She cuts herself off, worrying her lower lip in uncertainty. Dimly, he realizes she’s been referring to him by that the whole time—Xiao might be his name. “You’re... acting a bit strange this morning. And you came stumbling home last night, and you went to sleep when you never do, and...”

She sighs. Heavily. She sounds so distressed it makes him feel a bit sick in solidarity.

“I don’t mean to pry or overstep, but...” She pauses, unsure, and that inexplicable feeling of guilt returns to him in her brief silence. “Are you alright? I think there might be something wrong...” A look of alarm crosses her face, and she quickly backpedals. “Not with you, of course! I’m just saying...” She fidgets a little, but when she meets his eyes this time, her resolve seems stronger. “I’m just saying if you’ve gotten into any trouble, you can tell me. I’ll do my best to help, wherever I can. It’s the least I could do.”

He stares at her in response. She stares back, wilting a little.

Definitely family, he concludes. A doting older sister, perhaps.

Awkwardly, he realizes her silence means he should answer her somehow, but instead of replying with something intelligent or actually explaining himself, all his stupid mouth blurts is, “Good morning. Are you my big sister?”

He immediately wants to bury himself.

While she balks, caught off guard by his clearly uncharacteristic statement, he panics. More foolish nonsense spills out of his mouth, and between her confused spluttering and his inability to form proper words, their attempted conversation dissolves into an unrecognizable mess of half-formed sounds. It’s as if he isn’t used to speaking or hasn’t spoken in a long time, and this failed speech of his is making up for it.

In the end, none of what they attempted to say was actually comprehensible. He takes one look at the pure confusion—and maybe even a little horror, but he has a hard time telling—written all over her face and knows he has to try again. It appears he’s bad with words as well. Shame and frustration settle in his chest at this discovery.

The first thing he manages to come up with is, “Sorry.” He buries his face in the fabric wrapped around him, feeling small. “I don’t... know what’s happening,” he admits, and he hopes the note of fear in his voice is muffled. “I don’t remember anything. I don’t know who you are.” His eyes sting with tears. Suddenly, he feels pathetic. “I don’t even know who I am...”

Saying it out loud breaks something inside him—it all feels so much more real now, and he‘s so confused, so lost. What is he supposed to do? Who was he? Why did this happen? Frantic thoughts swell like rising water within him, and he sobs, drowning. He doesn’t know. He just doesn’t know.

The question that says it all falls from his lips like tears:

“Who am I?”

- - -

Oh, this is bad. This is really, really bad.

She doesn’t know what she expected from this morning, but it certainly wasn’t this. It certainly wasn’t waking up to find Xiao—whom she greatly respects—in... whatever state it is he’s in.

He had called her big sister. Her! The big sister! The sheer disbelief she felt at those words—if anything, Xiao is the senior. His rank in adeptal affairs is higher than hers despite their ages, and their interactions have always reflected this. And if that wasn’t jarring enough, what he revealed next sent her reeling.

No memories. None at all. Can you believe that? The Conqueror of Demons with sudden amnesia? What is this? What has her life come to?

She realizes, belatedly, that Xiao is crying. He’s crying right now in front of her when he had never once showed an ounce of vulnerability before her in the past, and the sight is shocking.

Well, no time to lose. She has to do something, even if she’s not sure what exactly it is she should do.

Swallowing down her nerves, she tries to sound as gentle and reassuring as possible when she shushes him and murmurs, soothingly, “It’ll be alright, Xiao, it’ll be alright... You’ll be okay.”

As she says this, she awkwardly reaches down and—the act kills her a little inside—pats Xiao lightly on the head. Despite his sobbing, he calms slightly. That alone is enough to make her nerves fade just a little, and she takes the opportunity to help him out of the blanket bundle he’s gotten himself into. With careful hands, she unwraps the sheets tangled around his body, peeling away layer after layer until he goes from sad spring roll to just Xiao.

As she pulls back to assess her handiwork, it really strikes her how... small Xiao is.

He hasn’t gotten any shorter or thinner, his facial features are unchanged, and overall he looks the same as he did yesterday, but the way he holds himself now makes all the difference. His emotions are out in the open as he wipes at his tears, his heart unburdened by memory, his eyes innocent. Without the millenniums of suffering and coldness that defined him, he feels so young.

He’s just a boy, she thinks as she pulls him into a hug. He resists at first but settles into the embrace soon after, resting his chin on her shoulder. Mindful of the way he shakes with quieting sniffles, she rubs little circles into his back. The action seems to soothe him.

Ganyu considers the situation. This is okay, actually. This is alright. Zhongli-dàrén will help her figure out what has happened to Xiao when they go to him, but she can handle this for now. She can manage this.

Responsibility is a self assigned fate that has always fit her like a glove, and this is just another to add to her list of duties. Surely it won’t be that hard to look after her new little brother?

“Your name is Xiao,” she begins, voice soft. “I’m Ganyu.”

She feels rather than sees the nod Xiao gives in response. It makes her smile as she pets his hair.

“And you’re right, Xiao-dìdì. I’m your big sister, and I’ll take care of you.”

[greyhavensking]

100 Followers Celebration!

God, I’m late with this, but I finally passed the 100 follower milestone and I wanted to do something for it to show my appreciation. That something turned out to be almost 3000 words of emotional hurt/comfort and dumb boys in love, so I hope someone enjoys it.

I can’t even express how grateful I am to have (over!!!) 100 people think I’m worthy of following when mostly I just reblog other people’s posts and scream in the tags, but this is me trying to get the point across. Thank you, thank you, thank you to the people who continue to tolerate my bullshit and occasionally encourage my sad stucky edits and my angsty fluff fanfics. You’re all amazing and wonderful people!

Also cross-posted on Ao3 here.

you left your mark on me like footprints in the snow

“Buck, you awake?”

It’s sort of a moot point, seeing as Bucky — light sleeper that he is — would have woken up the second Steve stepped across the threshold of the living room, but he feels compelled to ask nonetheless. His ma was a stickler for courtesy, especially when it didn’t cost anyone a dime, and while he can’t quite manage to defer to politeness when it comes to aggravating superiors, it comes easy as breathing with most everyone else.

Bucky isn’t everyone else, and half the time Steve doesn’t bother filtering himself around him, but tonight—

Tonight’s a bad night.

But it’s not Bucky’s night for a change.

As Steve pauses at the back of the couch, arms crossed and head ducked, he sees Bucky smoothly push himself up into a sitting position from where he was stretched across the cushions, rolling his shoulders back as he scrubs his flesh and blood hand over his face. He was awake, judging by the dog-eared book he lets slide to the floor; Steve can’t make out the cover from this angle, but he’d bet anything it’s one of those YA novels Sam recommended to him that he refuses to thank Sam for. Something about Greek gods and terribly unlucky teenagers. Steve doesn’t go for fantasy often, but he knows Bucky’s been plowing through the series for the last few weeks.

“I’m always awake,” Bucky says once he’s gotten a good look at Steve, despite Steve’s best efforts to tuck all the visible hurt away behind an admittedly shaky smile. He’s joking, mostly — when Bucky first came home, he rarely got more than an hour or two of sleep before some imagined threat had him prowling the confines of the apartment, checking and rechecking the locks and the security system. Nowadays his sleepless nights are still disturbingly frequent, but not every night, and he can usually pass them by reading or watching whatever he finds most interesting on TV. 

Bucky quirks a brow when Steve remains silent, tilting his head. Assessing. “You, though,” he continues as if he hadn’t paused at all, “you should be dead to the world, Rogers. Sawing logs, or whatever it is they say when you snore louder than a damn foghorn.”

“I don’t — I don’t snore,” Steve bites out, reflexive, which just gets Bucky’s other brow jumping up to join the first.

“So it’s one of those nights, huh.” Bucky nods to himself, twisting around on the couch to lean back against the armrest, legs spread invitingly. He pats the space between his thighs. “Good thing I’m a certified Steve Rogers expert and know exactly what you need.”

Steve considers refuting that claim, but he can’t bring himself to bother with it. A flare of indignation does pulse under his skin (he hates the idea that he needs to be managed), though it peters out just as quickly as it came, taking with it the last shred of warmth Steve’s been clinging to since he slipped out from beneath his bed covers. Bucky’s right, anyway; this is what Steve needs, something they’ve pieced together in the months after Bucky felt safe enough to put himself back into Steve’s orbit.

Rubbing briskly at his upper arms, more for something to do with his hands than any hope of warming himself up, Steve hesitates another moment before he sighs and climbs over the back of the couch to crawl in between Bucky’s legs. Bucky wraps his arms around Steve’s waist instantly, tugging him until his back is flush with Bucky’s chest. He noses at the nape of Steve’s neck, presses a kiss there that has a delightful shiver rippling down Steve’s spine, then wedges his chin into the space between neck and shoulder.

“What’s the threat level with this one?” Bucky asks quietly. Threat level is their established short-hand for how bad a nightmare was, what kind of toll it took on them. It’s easier getting that out than something like I woke up crying reaching for you can’t get my heart to calm down can’t breathe woke up alone and had to bite back a scream, and Steve can admit that Bucky’s nothing short of a goddamn genius for giving Steve a way to explain without explaining. 

“‘Bout a seven,” Steve says, which means it’s closer to a nine than he’d like. He can still feel the phantom chill of wind and snow on his face, the ice-clogged water in his lungs, arms outstretched but grasping at nothing nothing nothing. Bucky’s face, frozen over and glassy-eyed. No air, no breath, no life in either of them — but Steve, undead, trapped below the ice, forced to watch it all play out on repeat—

“Uh-huh. Seven. Sure, I’ll go with that for now.” Bucky’s voice is right against his ear, his breath warm, the solid weight of him so very real that Steve shudders again, leaning into him even though there’s hardly space left between them to close. “You need me to do anything extra special?”

Steve shakes his head, then pauses, reconsiders. “Keep talking?” 

His nightmares are — strange. They’re quiet, mostly, unless they involve the train, and then it’s the clack-clack-clack of the tracks, the high-pitched whistling of the wind, his own desperate screams. But when it’s the ice… it’s almost silent. Like an old film, the reels spinning on soundlessly around him. Colors are muted, too, shades of gray and blue and the occasional vibrant streak of red that could be blood, could be his suit, could be the afterimage of staring too long into a bright light. 

Bucky huffs a laugh and tightens his arms around Steve, and in return Steve shifts to lay his hands over Bucky’s skin, one sliding along his forearm, the other reaching down to slip under the hem of Bucky’s shorts. He’d grab the metal arm (it doesn’t bother him, and it’s body temperature from being tucked under Bucky on the couch) but he needs skin right now, and he knows Bucky doesn’t begrudge him it.

“Talking,” Bucky murmurs. “You gotta pick the one thing I’m no good at anymore, don’t ya. No, no, don’t start,” he says, reading the tensing of Steve’s body all too well, and Steve slumps back into his hold, caught out. “I’m not sayin’ I won’t do it, and I’m not gettin’ all self-deprecating on you, either. Words are hard, sweetheart, you know that.”

“Sorry, Buck. We can just put the TV on, or—”

“I said it’s fine, Rogers. Relax. I’m not in the habit of doing things I don’t want to these days, even for you, which is a goddamn miracle considering all the shit I put up with for your benefit when we were kids. Christ.”

Steve rolls his eyes, which he knows is the exact reaction Bucky was going for. “Alright, I’ll bite. What’d I talk you into that was so bad?”

“God, Steve, Snow White? How many times d’we see that in theaters?”

“What? You loved that movie!”

“No, you loved that movie, despite being fuckin’ colorblind. I went because I’m a goddamn sap and I couldn’t get enough of the wide-eyed baby deer act you pulled every time you got to see all that animation in action. You sparkled, Steve, it was addicting.”

“What?”

“Whaddya mean, what? Can’t a guy get all sentimental over how cute his best guy looked staring adoringly at a cartoon?”

“No, I mean— you went for me? We weren’t even…”

“First of all, jackass, I don’t gotta be in love with someone to wanna see them happy. Second, I honestly can’t tell you if I realized that I was in love with you back then. It’s all mixed up with how I definitely felt during the war, and then with everything that came with thawing out here.”

Hold on— 

“Bucky. Bucky. The war?”

Steve’s half-twisted around in Bucky’s arms now, staring at him, slack-jawed, because they’ve never had this conversation before. Nothing even close to this has ever come up between them. When they got together this century, they only acknowledged that they’d never considered doing so back in the thirties, that their feelings only really surfaced now because they finally had a moment to rest without the fear of discovery hanging over their heads. Bucky has never breathed a word of loving Steve at any point before that.

But Bucky doesn’t seem to understand what’s running through Steve’s head, because his brows furrow as he stares right back at Steve. “Why are you acting so surprised? You think I curled up with you every night just ‘cause I was cold?” He pauses. “I mean, alright, yes, I was freezing and you were a goddamn furnace all of a sudden, but—”

“You have never said shit about this, Barnes, what the fuck?”

And there’s Bucky rising to the challenge in Steve’s voice, lifting his chin and narrowing his eyes. Refusing to let go of Steve, though, for which he’s grateful; he needs the grounding weight of him all the more in this moment.

“I ain’t exactly proud of it, Steve. You and Carter? Fuck, you made my blood boil with her.”

Steve blinks. Blinks again, shakes his head like that’ll make Bucky’s words fall into a neat little line he can actually understand. He feels Bucky’s chest expand as he breathes in deep, feels it deflate as he lets it out in a heavy sigh. His eyes are nearly silver in this light, and so sheepish that Steve just wants to set this aside and kiss on him until he’s smiling again. But — he wants to know, fuck, he doesn’t like secrets between them anymore, and he knows Bucky’s the same way. It’s not the best time to get into this, but really, in the grand scheme of things… it’s as good a time as they’ll get.

“God, alright. I was jealous, okay? Whether or not I knew what you were to me while we were still in Brooklyn, I sure as hell knew it then when I was watching you two dance around each other for months. The way you’d stare after her, the way she tucked herself right into your side whenever you were in the same room… I was sick with it, hatin’ her and hatin’ myself for feeling that way when I didn’t have a fuckin’ claim to you. When you were happy with her and I couldn’t make myself be happy for you. You think I like admitting I couldn’t put my best friend’s happiness above my own bruised ego?”

“Buck…”

“Aw, don’t look like that, sweetheart. Was my own fault for never saying anything. And, well, for all I knew back then you were straight as an arrow. You thought you were pretty straight, as I recall. Maybe it woulda just driven a wedge between us if I’d said something.”

“Fuck that.” The words are whispered, but they get Steve’s point across just fine — it’s Bucky’s turn to blink, leaning away from Steve slightly like he needs a better look at him to process what he’s just heard. Steve just follows him, getting his knees under him so he can cup Bucky’s face in both palms, holding him close. “Fuck that. I always loved you, Bucky Barnes. Platonic, romantic, doesn’t fucking matter. If you think for one second I woulda left you over something like that—”

Bucky laughs again, a quick, sharp little thing that barely interrupts Steve’s vehement protests, but the kiss Bucky plants on his lips does the job of getting his attention.

“What a stubborn asshole you are, sweetheart.”

Scowling, Steve kisses Bucky again, harder this time but still achingly sweet. “You think I’m lyin’?”

“Do I look like an idiot? No, I don’t think you’re lying, but that’s what you’re saying now, with the glorious gift of hindsight. You can’t say for sure that’s how you would have reacted, and I wouldn’t have blamed you for it.”

“One more time, Barnes, ‘cause I do think you’re a little slow on the uptake tonight. Fuck that. You got my ass through every fuckin’ illness that so much as looked at our borough, got me through ma’s death… you think you catchin’ feelings was gonna scare me away? I was afraid of you leaving, god, I woulda clung to you forever if you let me, even if you got married, had kids, whatever. I probably wouldn’t have believed you could like me, but I wouldn’t have been mad at you over it.”

It’s quiet between them once Steve’s gotten it all out of his system, save for his heart thudding in his chest and their quickened breathing, the tick-tick-tick of the ceiling fan above them. Steve refuses to look away from Bucky’s searching gaze, and god, yes, he’s a stubborn asshole, but he’s also right! He’s right and he’s going to prove that to Bucky, one way or another, because this is too important to let go. He doesn’t want Bucky thinking even for a second that there is a scenario where Steve would throw him over for someone else. Anyone Steve loved — anyone who loved Steve — would have had to accept that Bucky came first, always.

In hindsight, Steve maybe should’ve figured out his own damn feelings long before he reached the 21st century, but that wasn’t exactly his point right now. 

Steve doesn’t know how long they sit there like that, holding one another without saying a word, but he doesn’t tear his eyes away from Bucky’s for a single moment of it, willing him to understand that he’s always been Steve’s anchor, his touchstone — that absolutely nothing short of death could ever come between them, and fuck, even that didn’t stick. And he thinks Bucky might be getting there, the way a slow, tremulous smile spreads across his face, a flush high on his cheeks that does things to Steve’s heart. 

“I love you.”

Steve’s eyes crinkle as he smiles, automatic, ducking his head down to press into Bucky’s neck, the fabric of his worn t-shirt soft against Steve’s cheek. It’s far from the first time either of them have said it, but Steve still gets so giddy over it, knowing he gets to have this, have Bucky, to hold and kiss and adore this man in his arms for as long as they’re both alive… it’s heady, and something Steve doesn’t want to take for granted, not even for a second. The road they took to get here was too brutal for Steve not to be damn grateful for every moment they have together. 

Which means he doesn’t mind the teasing they get from the rest of the team, the not-so-sly remarks and gratuitous eye rolls that Sam and Natasha are so fond of, the downright lewd shit that gets thrown right back in Tony’s face when Bucky reminds them all that neither of them are innocent grandpas. 

It’s all part of getting to love Bucky the way he deserves, the way he’s always and will always deserve, and if there’s one thing about the future that Steve unequivocally loves, it’s that he can be as open as he wants about just how much he loves Bucky. And, if people do have a problem with it, Steve can kick their asses — mostly over Twitter, but still. He’s a fan.

“Love you too, Buck.”

Bucky hums, content, and readjusts so that Steve is mostly laying flat on top of him, the both of them stretched out across the couch. He snags the blanket from where it’s half-spilled onto the floor, draping it over Steve enough that it covers the majority of their bodies. Steve snuggles in, wrapping his arms around Bucky’s back, giving him a gentle squeeze to show his appreciation. 

He’s all but forgotten the phantom cold that drove him out here in the first place.

“Wanna try going back to sleep?” Bucky murmurs, rubbing circles into Steve’s back.

“Nah. You’re still gonna be here, don’t wanna sleep alone.”

“Mm, fair point. You just gonna lay here, then?”

He could, Bucky won’t protest his weight or the company. “Yeah. Right where I wanna be. You could read to me, though?”

“I’m in the middle of the book, Rogers, you won’t have any clue what’s going on.”

“Just like the sound of your voice, Buck. It’s soothing,” Steve argues, and he’s slurring his words a little, he knows, but he doesn’t care and Bucky doesn’t call him out on it. “Read to me?”

He feels the rumble of Bucky’s laughter in his own chest, pressed right up against him, then the shift of the couch as Bucky grabs his book from the floor and braces it against the dip in Steve’s spine so he can read.

And yeah, Bucky’s right — Steve couldn’t tell you a thing about what’s happening in the book right now (there are gods and monsters and quippy teenagers, but none of it settles quite right in his brain, none of it takes any recognizable shape) but he couldn’t be happier regardless.

Turns out it’s not so bad of a night after all. 

[1llusionmachine]

I got tagged by the lovely @rock-n-roll-fantasy to list 5 albums I cant live without! This was so hard 😭

1. Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino - Arctic Monkeys - What can I say about this album that myself or everyone else hasn't already said? It's a bloody masterpiece, so much so that I have it tattooed on me - the vibes are immaculate and of course I love all the Monkey's stuff but this is just something else. I'm also giving a consolation space to HUMBUG here because damn that is 10 tracks of perfection❤️ Fave Tracks: Batphone, TBHC, Four out of Five but Star Treatment takes the cake as my all time fave am song.

2. Everything You've Come To Expect - The Last Shadow Puppets - Tbh I haven't listened to this for a little while but that's just because I know when I go back to it it'll hit me all over again. I love the boys' first album but EYCTE just has it all. Not to mention it came out at a really good time in my life and I just love Al and Mi together so much, god. The Element of Surprise and Dracula Teeth are faves but all are amazing🤌🏻

3. Plastic Beach/Demon Days - Gorillaz - I was gonna just put Plastic Beach but then I remembered just how good Demon Days is too. I love them both equally, as well as the debut album. I saw Gorillaz last week and I'm still fucking reeling because the moment they played DARE and Dirty Harry I literally reached spiritual enlightenment (even if Shaun Ryder was putting in 1% effort lmao it was funny tho) genuinely dont have room for my top tracks here bc Damon Albarn is just a genius and I love him your honour

4. Origin Of Symmetry - Muse - I haven't listened to Muse in quite a while either and I love all of their albums (apart from most of Simulation Theory but we don't have time to unpack that!) but I think it's easy to tell I'm a fan of their earlier stuff - New Born, Bliss and Citizen Erased are my faves on OOS but every song is so beautifully crafted and its a great capsule of just quintessential MUSE - always a classic.

5. Tourist History - Two Door Cinema Club - This is just pure nostalgia and euphoria for me, if you want to party with your mates this is the album you put on, it reminds me of great times at my local nightclub just dancing all night (I hope to be there again soon) - truly an album of my generation, just gorgeous.

Honorable mentions go to Superfood - Don't Say That, Daft Punk - Discovery and MCR - The Black Parade as well as many more. It's weird cause theres lots of artists that I love and know many songs of but not specific albums, such as Bowie, Kate Bush, Blur and lots of 80's artists like the Human League, Depeche Mode and Duran Duran. I find it very hard to really be pulled in to an album as a whole so when it happens for me, it REALLY happens! ✨