#i am so unbelievably tired of wearing a bowl around my waist.

[brucespringsteendotcom]

they should invent shorts that fit people who have bodies

[jazzyhazzy]

Girls Like You - Chapter Twenty One - Christmas

Christmas Eve Eve

Staring upwards, my vision is flooded with twinkling lights, soft, warm sparkles fading in and out all in synchronised rhythm. I just had to take a moment, a breather, I needed to feel to cool wooden floor under me, so I shimmied my face under the skirt of the Christmas tree and lay there, staring up through the branches of woody pine at the lights, and the sparkle of the decorations, losing myself in the smell of the needles, the sound of Wham! ‘Last Christmas’ quietly humming throughout the entire house.

This is my first Christmas in the house.

Our first time hosting our families.

The first time we’re having to pull out the stops for Christmas, and believe me, I thought it would be a lot simpler than this. I failed to take into account how many guests we were going to be having, as well as how big the house is - decorating it has required a lot of help from Sav and Harry was required on many occasions to reach all of the high places we couldn’t quite get to.

He has fussed over me relentlessly since the transplant, and while it was bearable at first, it has quickly become tiring. I’ve thrown myself into Christmas, not only because it’s the most wonderful time of the year - duh - but also because it keeps me busy, but as I lay here under the tree having an internal meltdown, I feel I may have bitten off more than I can chew.

Nonetheless, I am determined to pull it all together, even if it means I have to stay up all night. I am going to be the Queen of Christmas. I’m going to put even my Mum to shame.

Frankie and Edgar’s noses sniff at me under the tree and try to shimmy under as well to see what I’m up to under here. They hate to miss out on anything, especially if it involves me, they truly are my babies, and Harry has had to get used to them sprawling out on the bed with us every night. “They’re going to get much bigger you know” I reminds me every time, as I scratch their noses while they sleep at the foot of our bed, not taking up much space.

I exhale, the needles of the tree blowing with the sudden exasperated gust.

“Alright under there?” Harry crouches down and peeks under the tree at me. He’s put his Christmas jumper on and has decorations hanging off his ears. I smile at him, but it doesn't last long as I remember the amount of food I still have to prepare, and it’s not even Christmas day till the day after tomorrow.

“There’s so much to do.” I groan, turning back to look up the lights, wishing I could just stay right here until some fairy godmother comes along and finishes everything up for me. I focus on the lights again, letting the sweet croons of George Michael fill my ears.

Harry grabs my ankles and pulls me out from underneath the tree. He towers above me with his hands on his hips, and he looks fucking adorable in his red jumper with reindeers jumping all over it. He’s still wearing the baubles on his ears and they’re jumping about frantically as he shakes his head. I giggle at his stern face “Uhh... ‘scuse me? Are you forgetting that my first job was a baker love?” he tells me, matter-of-factly.

“You worked in a bakery, you weren't actually the baker” I point out, squealing as he growled and picked me up, trying to be scary but I knew better, he still acts like I’m made of glass, even though I’ve almost fully recovered now. “You take that back! You know I’m good!” he protests, he holds me upside down like I weigh nothing to him, but my hands frantically grapple at his legs, trying to hold on for dear life.

Frankie and Edgar are going crazy, barking at him and nipping at his ankles, telling him to put their Mummy down. “AHHH Eddie OWWWW!” he yelps, dropping me gently down on the couch and picking Edgar up instead, growling at him and then showering his muzzle with kisses while Frankie jumps up on me and licks my face, they know he’s only playing.

We’re both in fits of giggles at the pups, and I smile up at him, cradling Edgar in his arms. He won't be able to do that for much longer, they’re going to get so much bigger, but for right now, I can still squeeze them into some gorgeous puppy christmas sweaters. As unbelievably tacky as they are, they’re also hilarious, so I obviously couldn't refuse.

“There’s no way we’re not getting a family pic of us and the dogs in front of the tree tomorrow night” Harry tells me, “With our matching sweaters” I add, lifting my chin so he can bend over, resting his hands on the back of the couch and leaning his head down to kiss me, once, twice, three times. It’s become so normal for us that we barely ever just kiss once anymore.

“We need to get our butts back into the kitchen woman, we have mothers coming tomorrow that we need to impress!” he reminds me, and I groan, sinking into the couch and cuddling Frankie close, kissing the top of her head as she wriggles in my grip, fighting for freedom.

Reluctantly, I let him pull me back to my feet and we both pad back into the kitchen, donning our aprons and getting our hands dirty again to make mince pies, pavlova’s and all other good things. Our Christmas music continues to blare over the speakers, our hips bumping every now and again to the beats as we laugh and sing to one another. I cut out gingerbread men while he whips up pastry for the mince pies. Our pups curled up together in their bed by their bowls, never far from us.

In this precise moment, I think back to when I was a heartbroken young girl who’s parents had just divorced, all those years ago I had adamantly wished upon a star one Christmas eve for a perfect boyfriend and a perfect Christmas and a perfect house and a perfect everything. If only I could go back and let younger Blair know that for once, her wish came true.

While it’s not perfect everything, it’s pretty damn close, I think, as I grab a small fistful of flour and blow it all over Harry’s face, cackling uncontrollably at his shock. This is all the perfect I need for now.

*** Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve came in the blink of an eye, and by some miracle, I managed to get everything in order before everyone arrived. My Mum and Andy were staying with us in the guest bedroom I had recently renovated - much to my mothers delight, she had always loved my way of decorating the house. We were also hosting Anne and Robin and Gemma had a prized spot on the fold out couch. Mine and Savanna’s Dads were staying with her, as well as her Mum, who thankfully didn't find it too awkward that she was staying under the same roof as her ex-husband turned gay for the father of her daughters best friend. To say we have an interesting family is an understatement, but it sure does keep us on our toes.

Love Actually plays on the television in the background, but my mum is far too busy chatting away to Anne - no doubt planning a wedding for Harry and I, Harry and Gemma are sprawled out on the rug in front of the fire, fighting over the puppies, and Robin and Andy are getting to know each other over a glass of duty free Whiskey. It’s almost the perfect family picture, just missing one little thing.

I try not to think about how desperately I want to fill this home with the sounds of childish laughter, and focus on having the best Christmas imaginable. I sit down by the tree and cross my legs, just able to put my hot chocolate on a side table before Edgar forgets all about Harry and bounds over to me, jumping up to lick my face and curl up in my lap.

“No fair” Harry grumbles, sitting up and moving to take Frankie off of Gemma. “Harry play nice” Anne scolds him, watching him reach for the dog. He just can’t seem to get his own way. Instead he settles on cuddling up to me instead of a dog, pulling me up onto his lap next to the Christmas tree and wrapping his arms around me, Edgar trying to get in on the cuddles, feeling left out.

Our Mums squawk in delight and try to get their phones our fast enough to take a picture of the moment. “You two make me sick” Gemma gags, retreating to squeeze on the end of the couch next to Anne. “Hush Gem, they’re in love”

“You’re just jealous” Harry pulls a face at her and she scowls, because her boyfriend has flown to France to be with his family for Christmas and after the past month we’ve had, it has really put into perspective how important family time is.

It’s nice to finally be able to relax after the hectic few days I’ve had running around trying to get everything ready for tomorrow, trying to think about cooking and serving and having enough room to seat so many people is kinda overwhelming. Thanks to Harry I’ve managed to pull through, it was a bit of team effort after all.

We sit curled up together on the floor watching the last of the movie, one by one our guests take themselves off to bed, Gemma the last to go, kissing us goodnight and retreating to the spare lounge to phone her boyfriend.

White Christmas plays over the speakers in the lounge, quietly, so not to wake anyone else up. I feel myself start to nod off against Harry’s shoulder, but he wakes me, pulling me up to my feet in front of him and he moves my hands to rest on his shoulders and he wraps his arms loosely around my waist, dancing slowly back and forth to the music.

Outside, it’s been snowing all night and it gathers in little piles in the corners of our windows. I smile at the sight, always wanting more than anything to have a white Christmas. It’s one of the things I love most about living here, is that it’s actually a possibility. Harry distracts me by nudging his nose against my forehead to get my attention, and once he has it he bends down to kiss me, pulling me closer against his chest.

It’s not so much heated, it’s just in the moment, something you do when you love someone in a perfect moment, is complete it with a kiss. “Mmm, it’s all come together alright huh?” he murmurs against my lips, continuing to move around the room slowly to the carols. I nod, somehow we managed to make it work. All of it, not just Christmas.

“Can I give you a present?” he asks timidly, searching my eyes. I bite my lip, watching him frown at the action as it always turns him on when I do that, but this time it’s not on purpose. “I don't know, Haz, it’s not Christmas morning” I protest, wanting everything to go to plan, if he gives me an early present than that means I’ll have to give him one now as well.

“Shh, its not really a physical present, more of a promise...” he trails off, uncertainly. I shrug my shoulders, “I guess I can allow a promise” I permit, seeing as its not really a present as such.

He takes a deep breath, meeting my eyes at once, and I try to figure out whats going on behind those emeralds. “I promise...” he begins, hesitating, I lock my arms around his neck and kiss him on the nose, signalling for him to go on.

“I promise... we can... try” he forces the last word out.

“Try?” I question, a little lost. Try what exactly?

“We can try again... y’know...”

“For a... baby?” I finish for him, it’s the first thing that comes to my mind, what else could we try for?

Harry nods slowly, holding my eyes so I know he’s serious about it. I choke up and bury my head in his shoulder, unable to help the tears springing to my tear ducts and spilling out over the edges.

“Are you sure?” I whisper, pulling back.

“I can’t... we can’t be afraid forever Bee.” he replies, tucking a stray hair behind my ear and kissing me again.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to, because I want to...”

“I’m nervous... but we can start by seeing a specialist and... and we’ll get it right.”

He knows how much this means to me, and although we haven’t spoken about it since before I went into the transplant surgery, I can tell he has been thinking about it since then.

I don’t expect it to be an easy thing for him to come around to, when we lost our little girl it was beyond traumatic, it was a heavy experience and we were both crushed under the weight of it. It scares me more than anything to try again, but I know that if we don't, I will always regret it. There will always be a part of me that is missing.

“Thank you” I whisper, reaching up to kiss him once, twice, three times. We stay like that for a while, swaying around the lounge, watching the snow come down outside, listening to Christmas carols. Our hearts full, and our minds open to the future. We revel in this perfect moment, and I wish that I could capture it forever, make it into a snow globe or something like that. I want to freeze this moment in time, and play it on repeat in my head. The two of us, Christmas eve, snow, love, laughter, family.

“Let’s jump in bed, Santa’s coming” he teases, I poke his cheek and let him lead the way upstairs, Frankie and Edgar padding their huge paws up the stairs behind us, following us wherever we go. We tip toe past all of the other bedrooms and shut our door behind us. Discovering some matching Christmas PJ’s folded at the end of our bed, I know exactly who the culprit is too.

“Mum” Harry groans, but he smiles nonetheless, never too old for his Christmas PJ’s. It means so much more to him this year, that he can have this time with her, that she is alive and healthy again. She will be around for many more Christmases to come. Ours have red and white striped pants and a red long sleeve t-shirt with a big red reindeer on them. “Bit girly” harry grumbles, pulling the pants on over his briefs.

We don’t often sleep together in PJ’s but it is Christmas after all, and traditions must be upheld. Grinning at each other as we brush our teeth and wash our faces off with flannels, we jump into bed and pull the covers up to our chins, we have each other, and the dogs curl up around our feet.

“Perfect little hot water bottles” I chuckle, resting my head against his chest, my eyes heavy, I’ll be asleep in moments. Harry’s arms rest around me, and he kisses me goodnight, thrice on the lips and peppering kisses just about everywhere else on my face.

“Merry Christmas Baby” he whispers.

“Merry Christmas” I manage to get the words out before my eyes shut and the next thing I know I’m dreaming of ice-skating and babies and chocolate pudding and Christmas ham.

Christmas Day

“Blair”

“Blair”

Sleep slips away with the sound of Harry’s loud whispering right in my ear. Like inside my ear.

“Blair” he calls to me again. I can’t pretend to be asleep much longer. I reluctantly open my eyes a tiny crack to see his face hovering directly above mine, his knees either side of my hips.

“Meeeeeeeerry Christmas!!!” he announces, his dimples sinking deep into his cheeks and his teeth on full display in his excitement. I shake my head and smile at him, “Alright, alright”

Victorious, he, rolls us overs so I’m not on top of him and he’s lying beneath me, his arms wrapping around my waist. “Kiss me” he demands, pouting his lips up at me, and I accept, leaning down to press my lips against him, his grip tightens around me and he deepens the kiss, tracing his tongue along my bottom lip. I go to reciprocate but he pulls away.

“I love you, but its Christmas morning, all I can think about is presents!” Harry bubbles, practically quivering with excitement beneath me.

I sigh, feeling a little disheartened, but still excited. “What time is it?” I complain, rolling away from him, rejected. On Christmas.

“It’s 7:30... where do you think you’re going?” he demands, grabbing my hip and turning me back to him. “It’s nothing, baby. I’m gonna let the dogs out.” I brush it off, wriggling free and throwing the covers back, locating my slippers at the end of the bed, heading for the door.

“Blair- stop it, jeez. I’m sorry!” he insists, grabbing my wrist and pulling me back to the bed to sit on his knee, like he’s Santa Claus in a mall. “Nothing is wrong! Just thought if you were going to wake me up like that you’d give me a little more time before pushing me away!” I sulk, trying my hardest not to pout like a child.

“I’m sorry! I get too excited, I wasn't thinking baby.” he apologises, kissing my shoulder and squeezing the air out of me like a teddy he just got on Christmas morning. Too bad I haven’t gotten him a teddy.

“Okay! Okay! I need to let the dogs out though or they’re going to shit on the floor and thats not how I want to start Christmas Day” I cry, Edgar pacing back and forth in front of the door.

Harry permits me freedom but chooses to accompany me downstairs, so he can peek at the presents his mum has put under the tree in the middle of the night - no doubt my mum took part too. Although we’re all grown up now, they still like to think we’re still their little babies.

“God they’ve even done stockings too” Harry almost screams in excitement, darting into the second lounge to jump on Gemma, waking her up. I presumed she would be shitty at the abrupt awakening, but she only shares his excitement - if anything, it’s magnified, they’re like a tornado of Christmas excitement.

I shake my head, needing a few more minutes in my adult state to wake up and get thrilled about the whole Christmas morning ordeal. I let the puppies outside and retreat to the kitchen, filling the kettle and boiling it, getting prepared for the copious amounts of tea and coffee I’m going to have to make.

Movement stirs throughout the house as parents wake upstairs, no doubt jumped on by Harry and Gemma - my mum will be so excited. She’s missed the last couple of Christmases with me, but now that we’ve settled into our new home Harry insisted that they let him fly them over to be with us.

I lean against the bench as I wait for the jug to boil, my mind wandering to places where it shouldn’t on a morning like this, but sometimes it can’t be helped. My eyes stare absently at the floor, my mind drifting, wondering how different this morning would have been if our daughter had made it.

“Morning my darling” my mum enters the kitchen, thankfully alone, and catches me, tears escaping my eyes.

“Wh... Whats the matter?” she fusses, rushing to my side and wrapping her arms around me, pulling me into her side and rubbing circles into my back. “It would’ve been her first Christmas, Mum” I choke, trying my best to stop the sobs from taking over and ruining Christmas morning for everyone else. The thought probably hadn’t even crossed any of their minds.

Mum just holds me tight and soothes me, for once, not really knowing what to say to make it all go away.

“It happens, more than you’d think. It happened to me twice before I finally got you” she confesses, and I stop blubbering. "Wh-Why didn’t you tell me?” I whisper, letting her wipe away my tears with her sleeve. “It wasn't about me, I had to be there for my baby” she tells me, her voice strong.

It was agony enough having to go through it once, but twice?

And she tried again, she kept trying until she got me. I’m the one that survived. “Just promise me, you won't let this discourage you, try again, and again. Because you’ll get there, you were worth the pain and the heartache, Blair Hazel Waters. The other two will always hold a special place in my heart, but you... you made it so our suffering wasn't for nothing.”

My throat is tight as I bite back the lump forming.

My mother amazes me, I swear mothers are just the most incredible creatures that were ever put on this universe. She knows exactly what to say to make everything better, to make the pain feel like it is going to be worth it in the end.

“Thank you” I murmur, hugging her tight and burying my face into her shoulder, inhaling her scent that encompasses me in a feeling of complete comfort and safety that one can only feel from the embrace of their mother. “You’re a fighter, Blair, you’ll come back from this. Don’t forget your little girl, but don’t let it stop you from trying again.”

I want to tell her everything, I want to tell her about the promise Harry made me last night, the pact we made to try again, to get it right this time. But I can’t get her hopes up, I’m too afraid of getting my own hopes up yet, we need to take it step by step.

She stays with me, chatting away about mindless things until my sadness subsides, and I crack a smile for her that isn't forced. We make cups of tea and special hot chocolates, with cream and marshmallows piled on top.

We join the rest of the family in the lounge, Harry perched on Anne’s lap and Gemma’s back resting against Robin’s knees. Harry jumps up and moves to sit beside Anne, patting his knee for me to sit there, he pulls me down and I rest against his chest, sniffing the last of my sadness away, determined to make this a happy day, and not a sad one.

***

Once everyone is seated at the table with a drink in front of them, and all the food served in the middle, Harry stands at the head of the table, to my side, he taps his knife gently against his champagne flute, gaining attention from everyone at the table.

We’ve got a full house, and as man of the house Harry takes it upon himself to make the toast.

“Well er... We’re really happy everyone could be here, we’ve made it through the year - bit of a rollercoaster if I’m honest - but we’ve come out alright I reckon!” Everyone smiles at him, he’s doing a great job, I grab his hand and squeeze it in encouragement. We’re a team.

“None of this would have been possible - and I mean that, I’m useless at decorating and all that - without Blair. She’s... well she’s made this place our home and honestly don’t know what I would do without her, she’s saved my ass, she's saved me Mum’s ass, she’s definitely saved Sav’s ass on more than one occasion-”

“Harry Edward you say ass one more time and I’ll-” Anne interrupts, but she herself is interrupted by Clarice.

“Assss”

Niall drops his fork on his empty plate, staring at awe at his daughter in her high chair between him and Sav.

“Assss” she repeats, and Sav glares at Harry “I’m teaching your kid to say fuck” she vows, not realising the error in her words as Clarice repeats that word back to her too, causing Harry to burst out laughing at the sound coming from our goddaughters mouth.

“Stop fucking swearing you lot” Niall’s mum slaps her hand on the table, laying down the law.

Harry clears his throat once everyone is quiet again, and finishes his toast.

“Where was I...”

“Ah, ass, yes. Blair saving everyones anuses. Yes, well I think we can all agree I’m far too good for her-”

“Harold! Get on with it” Gemma yells, impatient.

“Alright! Christ. I love Blair, I love you all, thank you all for being here - tuck in... Grace?” he finishes, confused. Plonking back down into his seat and looking to me for approval, I raise an eyebrow at him. His speech resulted in our Goddaughter learning two new naughty words.

Niall stands up abruptly, his chair scraping against the wooden floors, making an unpleasant sound, but his eyes look wild.

“WE’RE HAVIN’ ANOTHER BABY” he shouts, “NIALL!!!!” Savanna screams at him, clearly not ready to tell everyone.

Harry spits his mouthful of wine all over the peas and Niall’s mum just about falls out of her chair.

“Niall Horan you tell me the truth right now” his mum demands, pointing her knife at him threateningly.

Savanna grumbles and holds up her champagne glass “It’s sparkling grape juice, he put another damn baby in me” she confesses, met by the scraping of chairs and cheering.

“No don’t cheer him on my tits are going to be ruined” she cries, as everyone floods to her to kiss and hug them in congratulations.

Harry’s hand finds mine under the table and squeezes it, offering me a knowing look. We could never take away from their happy moment, but God, how we wish it were us.

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas! Thank you for reading, see you in the new year xxx