lils-ki

[yukinyaminyato]

wish i could either rinse my brain with cold water & give it a massage or stab it w/ a knife bc i bet even that would be more pleasant than this headache i have

[fairycosmos]

chloe do you have any tips on 'forcing' oneself to shower? at the moment it's extremely hard for me not only bc of my depression but my foot is also in a cast bc it's broken which makes showering even more physically taxing.... just i need to shower but can't bring myself to do it 😭

hey honestly ive been thereeeeee and am often still there it's a fucking nightmare and im so sorry you're going through it as well - i know there's a lot of weird stigma and shame around these lesser discussed aspects of depression, but it is truly a massive part of the illness and not smth to internalise or shame yourself for. i've used a few different approaches when i haven't had the motivation to shower in the past - the 1st is just breaking it down into smaller chunks. wash my face, brush my teeth the first day. then slowly build up to either stepping in the shower and letting the water stream over you for 5 minutes, or even giving yourself a sponge bath/washing ur hair over the sink so you dont have to get fully undressed and exert a ton of effort and feel overwhelmed. i think this might be the best option for u with ur foot the way it is. a little is always better than nothing. i live by that TBH. sitting down in the shower also helps me massively, makes it a quite a bit less draining TBH. i also do this thing where i set an alarm for 10 minutes and just tell myself im going to clean myself as much as possible in that time, and that i can manage it because it's only 10 minutes and then i can lay back down and breathe, and that it's not this big deal my brain is building it up to be, and even if it is and even if i cry or panic or feel like shit, it's just 10 minutes. it's also super important to have the self awareness to realise this cycle you're in where neglecting your needs makes you depressed and you're depressed because you neglect your needs (at least that's part of the reason), and learning how to stop that perpetuating by doing one small task for yourself per day is one of the only ways to break out of it. i have to say every time i shower after being in a depression pit i don't regret it, and i know it's very hard to conceptualise that right now, but it's true. another thing i often try is just counting to ten and then forcing my body to move, i literally scream at myself in my own head to ignore my thoughts and just keep moving and just get the fuck in and out of the shower without making it more than what it is, i try to focus purely on my body and being in it and not on my mind - i understand that prob wont work for everyone lol. incentivising yourself is also always a good idea - tell yourself if i manage to take a shower i can watch a show i like or go to sleep or have a nice snack or practice a hobby you enjoy or whatever you like to do. i think training ur brain to see self care as a positive / neutral thing is a vital part of trying to move beyond this. anyway sorry to ramble i think that's a summary of what i usually do but if you ever want to chat more ab this or if you need a friend just give me a message! i hope you feel better soon x

[twosroos]

All Grown Up [ch. 9]

roos says ! i edited this chapter like seven times bc i hated each plot i was giving it— its better now, hope it was worth the wait—!pleaseeee leave feedback i love reading what people think >:)! (pls someone find me more bob gifs i feel bad having to use rhett-- and a soft reminder that reblogs mean more than likes!)

desc: Bob drops by for a late night conversation, and the next morning he follows you. The Rodeo also begins.

notable characters: robert "bob" floyd

TWs: drunkenness

ao3 link ! last chapter ! next chapter !

You'd only really had time to wash your face and brush your teeth before there were knocks on the door to your house. Carole had opened it, graciously, inviting a very tired Bob in from the dark. By the time you'd made it downstairs, Bob was telling Carole in a soft voice that she was fine while Carole insisted on something else. Using your phone's flashlight you made your way down the ladder that led to your loft and turned to the two.

"What's goin' on?" You asked, trying not to sway on your feet from the amount of liquor in your system.

"I forgot to give myself a place to sleep." Bob flushes, "The basement isn't cleaned out yet, so I can't sleep there. I was gonna steal your couch but the Bradshaw's are usin' it."

"I can move to that little chair, hon!" Carole messes with the little half-finished crochet bunny in her hands, trying to hook her crocheting needle on something, "I'm small enough."

"No, it's fine Carole. I'll bring Bob up to my room. We grew up sleepin' in the same bed, it won't be weird or anything." You laugh softly, and Carole nods. She bids a soft goodnight to the two of you before she walks over to sit on your plush couch as you grab Bob's arm and bring him over to the ladder.

"You climb this all the time?" Bob laments, and you snort, pushing him.

"Aren't you in the Navy? Come on, or is it too hard for you?" You tease as you grip the ladder and hoist yourself up. It's a bit hard considering you feel tipsy and giggly. You eventually make it up and plop down on the little overhang.

"No, I'm just surprised you don't have stairs!" Bob defends himself in a whispered shout, and you roll your eyes as he takes his turn to climb up too.

"Haven't had time to map them out yet. Which is why, when you go into my room, watch your left side. I've got boxes stacked with knick-knacks and stuff." You explain as he comes up next to you, so you pop back up onto your feet and wave him over to you. There's a small sliding door you open and walk Bob into your hayloft-turned-bedroom loft as you explain your plan to have stairs that also act like shelves for all your pictures, knick-knacks, and such. Bob listens to you ramble as you fall back on your bed, hands lifting to point around your room at various posters, plants, and pictures.

"It's nice up here." He murmurs, and you laugh, curling up in the various blankets tucked up on your bed, the fan blowing on you with the addition of the already cold air conditioning.

"It took a lot of hard work, but it's home." You mumble as you tuck into the blankets, kicking a leg out so a stuffed animal flicks off your bed and hits him. He pauses, laughing softly, before tugging off the Navy sweater he wore. An idea popped into your head with the thought of the spare sweater he'd given you a few days ago. You shoved it aside for now.

You roll onto your stomach, watching as Bob carefully tucks himself into the blankets and pulls off his glasses to set them on the windowsill above his head. You murmur in a low voice, "Where did everyone end up? I know the Kazansky's are in Asher's old room."

"Payback and Fanboy took your bed, with Coyote and Hangman on air mattresses on the floor. Don't ask me how we squeezed them in, I'm still surprised. Amelia, Halo, and Phoenix took Avalon's room since it was the bigger of the twin's rooms. Mav and Penny took Gisele's. Your siblings went with my mom and Tom home, my mom's gonna put the girls in Molly's room, and Avalon and Gisele in my room. No clue where Asher and Robyn will be," He explains, yawning halfway through. 

"That's a lot of people to keep watch of," you say, and he nods with a soft laugh as his eyes bore into yours. The two of you lay there and stare at each other for a few moments before he opens his lips.

"What's on your mind?" He whispers against the chill of the fan running across your skin, "You've been kinda fidgety and spacey."

You sigh heavily and roll through the blankets to be so close to him that you can feel his body heat as his leg brushes against yours under the covers. You pretend to not notice how his face flushes.

"My siblings kinda thought I still was mad at you because the last time I talked about you to them was almost right after you left. They kinda just assumed we weren't on speaking terms anymore." You sigh, "And with Mike being back and my whole meltdown the other day... I've had a lot on my mind that I just kinda don't think of on the regular."

"Mike's not gonna do anything to you," Bob murmurs, his pupils dilating when the two of you make eye contact, "I promise."

"Between you and Jake I don't think he has a chance." You admit, giggling against the soft pillows by your head, "But it still worries me, you know, what he could do if he gets there. Or if he fights back... but, I know I'll be safe. There's a lot more than just Mike I'm thinking of."

"What else is on your mind then?" Bob asks and you smile softly. With exaggerated movement you begin to ramble about your rodeo tomorrow and how it can make you eligible for the NBHA Open. So, you felt like you were competing to go to what you considered the Olympics of Barrel Racing. You told him mostly about your three students competing tomorrow, Elane who was competing for the first time at nine years old, Talya who was just coming back from an injury, and Harper who was also trying to make it into the Open like you were. You told him,

"It's so dumb to be so stressed and terrified of something I could do with my eyes closed! It almost feels irrational, like being afraid of dating again."

Then, Bob confessed something to you.

"I'm terrified of dating again."

It makes you pause, and you cock your head at him. He flushes and waves his hands around.

"Hear me out!" He laughs, turning so he's almost flush against you, and you can smell the faint whiskey on his breath as he sighs, the breath filtering across the bare skin of your chest from where your lowcut tanktop sits.

"I'm hearing." You tease, and he sighs.

"Dating someone in the Navy, or vice versa is a huge commitment. It's worse if you marry them too. You have to give this person all of your trust. You just have to sit there at night knowing they're probably praying that you don’t end up dead somewhere, or that you don’t cheat overseas. You're also praying the same for them, you want to be able to go and help them and hold them but you can't because you're so far away. I've seen so many relationships that would usually thrive, break off and die in the Navy and it's so upsetting. I just can’t imagine having to leave someone behind. Even with my few exes since I left for boot camp, that was always the hardest part."

"Leaving?" You whisper and he nods, and you try to bite back the bitter comment of 'it wasn't hard for you the first time we kissed' that fights its way up. You don't have a real desire to be bitter anymore. When Bob hums back a yes, you sigh softly and almost try to burrow into your pillows a bit more. Your hand comes up to rest by your pillow, and you accidentally, or mostly accidentally, ghost it up his chest, barely touching his skin. He shudders but keeps his eyes locked on yours. 

You're not sure if you had made a mistake, or if your subconscious was asking for more. Your eyes sparkle with the dotted fairy lights hidden in the various decorative objects on your walls as you whisper, "Would you ever do it?"

"As soon as I can get the girl I’m after to trust me, yes. A hundred times over, even if it ends in flames." He flips onto his back slightly, one arm keeping him raised. In the dim light, you can see the scar on his shoulder in the difference in the way his skin looks against the twinkle of lights. You want to kiss him, to pull him down to you and pray that you're the girl he's referring to but bile builds in your throat at the realization that you're probably not that girl. He probably met some sun-kissed bleach blonde babe in Cali. Your heart pounds for a second before you begin to roll over as you spit out,

"I have to be up in a few hours. Night."

And though Bob also says goodnight, you can feel the bitter tone in his voice.

--

You wake up around four, your alarm beeping in your ear, and you quickly slap it to shut it off. After laying in silence and mentally contemplating if you needed to wake up this early, you felt a weight near you. Oh, right, Bob. You shifted to look over, the sun's rays just starting to make the sky a slightly lighter hue and thus making it a bit easier to see. Once the dark focused in your sight, you watched Bob as he tightened his grip on your waist. His lips parted in deep, slow breaths as he laid next to you and hogged most of the blankets. He looked more peaceful than you had ever seen him, not a wrinkle of worry on his face, and you smiled to yourself. 

Once you'd wiggled out of his grasp, you made your way to your closet and grabbed two outfits, the one you'd wear around the carnival and the farm, and another for your ride later tonight. Then, across the room, you found your bathroom door in the dark after almost rolling your ankle on a spare shoe you'd forgotten to tuck away. Slipping into the room, locking the door, and then flicking on the lights, you blinked harshly against the new florescence in your eyes as they adjusted. Leaning down, you grabbed a box labeled 'Rhinestone Cowgirl' in a beautiful calligraphic font and set it on the counter with a huff. 

As your mother would say, "It's time to get dolled up, cowgirl." 

This was a tradition you'd started with your mother when she'd gotten you into riding in college. When you'd gone to your first event, you had a job interview only a few hours later at another barn. Despite your mother's warning, you'd gone with your hair and makeup done, won, and instantly made a name for yourself as 'Rhinestone Cowgirl.' The nickname was because of you wearing a diamond-studded necklace during the event (even though you weren't supposed to.) So, from then on, you'd made it into a tradition to wear makeup and do your hair for rides, which slowly became a sort of selling point for your career. You became a sort of... niche micro-celebrity within the world of barrel racing. 

So, it was time to get dolled up.

When you emerged from the bathroom, Bob was still asleep. Uncharacteristically quiet,you quietly grabbed the tote you'd put all your stuff into the night before and threw it over your shoulder before descending back down the ladder to the main area of your barn-turned-house. Trying your hardest to keep quiet, you slipped into the kitchen and grabbed a little prepacked smoothie out of the fridge. You quietly thanked your past self for making these in advance and popped it open to take a large gulp, before slowly exiting through the side door in the kitchen instead of the one in the living room. You didn't wanna wake anyone up, since there was no specific time to be awake by. The walk to your Mom’s house is as calm as it usually is on an early morning like this, the birds idly whistle as they wake up and you can see a bit more of the sun starting to lighten up the sky’s ink-black color. There’s a slight blue gradient over the trees, and it makes you huff under your breath with a realization that the day has officially begun.

The back door squeaks a small bit as you open it, your mother pausing her humming to look over at you. A pot in her hand is full of eggs, and the pan in her other hand has what you think are the vegetarian patties from the night before. She sets the pot down as she gives you a warm smile.

“Morning Hon.” she says, “need more to eat?”

“I think I’ll survive on my smoothie today, I’m pretty sure one of the moms said she was gonna bring me food as a thank you. Like she does every other rodeo.” you smile softly, thinking of your students as you plop your head between your mom's shoulder blades as she clicks on the stove and you hear the sizzle of the pots as they resume heating up.

“Don’t stop overthinking your show now, darling.” She warns and you groan, stepping back and popping the top off your smoothie to take a large gulp hoping it will calm the nerves you feel gathering in your gut.

“Too late.” You sigh, "I'm just grabbing my truck keys and the barn keys so I can load up the trailer and such."

"Alright." Your mother says, before turning back before you can even take a step towards the door, "Be safe today, okay?"

"I always am, Momma," You snort and she rolls her eyes softly, leaning onto the counter with one hand, the other being placed perfectly on her hip as you lean up to grab the keys beside the door.

"You know I have to say that." She teases, and you laugh, letting her pull you over for a tight hug before she's waving you out to the path. Captain and Lieu both decide to come with, and you trek across the property to the small barn where you know you'll find your horse. You let Fuego out to run around and get herself to wake up, and in the meantime, you grab stuff to wash her off, and some equipment you need for the show. You manage to get Fuego washed and in the trailer before the sun rises, and the sound of second set of boots caused you to look over from where you’re standing.

“Mornin’ Bob.” You call over to him, smiling softly. He walks over slowly, downing the rest of a coffee. 

“What’s the plan for today?” he says and you shrug, turning to him and watching him stop dead in his tracks. He whistles low, and you laugh, brushing your hair back out of your face. His cheeks are red as he walks up to you, a small smile on his face, "Well, damn."

"What? You all bothered?" You smile, setting down the bucket with a slightly overdramatic bend. Just because. It gets the effect you want, Bob's eyes become dinner plates.

"No. I just... you look beautiful." He says bashfully and you flush, stepping forward to adjust his collar.

"I only get dolled up for rodeos, so this is a limited-time view." You smile at him and his hand slowly wraps around your waist. Your hand comes to fall at his chest and a loopy smile appears on his lips as your other hand adjusts your stetson as you whisper, "you look at me like I'm the only girl in the world."

"You are to me," He whispers and your face probably looks like a whole cherry tomato as you cough to try and hide it. He smiles, adjusting his stetson.

"Come on then!" You shout, whistling for Fuego, "Let's see if you can get a barrel mare to take a simple little bath."

"Something about your smile tells me this won't be as easy as you're pretending it is." He gives you an odd look as you hand him the bucket of supplies you'd curated from around the barn. So if he ends up looking way more attractive than he should with suds all down his white shirt… you are happily enjoying the show.

--

"Naomi! Can you help Olivia with her horse, please?" You sigh, looking over at your eldest student. She quickly nods and rushes across the small barn area to one of your youngest as she helps her finish tacking her horse. You look around the temporary stables, absentmindedly shoving a bit more hay towards Fuego until you put away the rake and sigh.

"Miss L/n." a voice calls, and you turn to see Shannon grinning at you.

"Hey!" you smile, rushing over to give her a tight hug, "I hope you're here to give me some good news?"

"Mike shouldn't be at the party, he's got a job on the 5th in Georgia, so he probably won't make it," Shannon says, and though ideally, you would feel a weight lift on your shoulders, it stays in your heart.

"Are you sure?" You ask, and she sighs, running a hand through her dark hair.

"Well... almost. I don't know fully, but there's no way he'd risk his job over a party." She admits, and you huff. Inside, you feel knots making your stomach twist and sick. Bringing a hand to your hat, you readjust it and bite your lip as you look away.

"So he could-"

"Hey! Rhinestone Cowgirl! Come help us with this!" A voice calls from behind you, and you look over to see one of the event organizers waving at you with a sense of urgency.

"I don't have time for this, Shannon. Let me know if he's coming or not. I'm over the dance around." You snap before sharply turning on your heel and slipping into the crowd of workers, rodeo competitors, horses, and other animals. Shannon watches you go with an anxious look but doesn't say anything as she flips a small black box in her hand as your figure gets smaller and smaller as you meet up with some staff members.

[hoodie-bboi]

reminder to myself but also other people who are going through a depressive episode currently

take a shower. your hair is greasy and you're starting to smell. don't have the motivation to shower? that's ok. use some dry shampoo and a damp washcloth and some extra deodorant.

brush your teeth or at least swish around some mouthwash

comb your hair or run your fingers through it a little bit

drink a glass of water. blacking out a little when you stand up isn't a good sign.

eat something if you typically under eat. it doesn't have to be an entire meal. just anything. a bowl of cereal, a pop tart, some chips, just eat something

i always under eat so please rb or comment things about overeating bc i don't know anything helpful in that area

get up and stretch. you've been sitting on your computer all day in bed. your muscles need some kind of movement.

clean your face. wash it or use some makeup remover. pimples won't make you feel better.

clip your nails if you haven't in a while

put on some chapstick

take some of those dishes to the kitchen so your room doesn't feel so cluttered. it doesn't have to be all at once, just at least one thing.

take some slow deep breaths

change your clothes. maybe not your entire outfit, maybe just your socks or shirt. maybe change out your pants and underwear so you don't get an infection or anything down there

been crying a lot and your eyes hurt? that's ok. me too. get a washcloth and run it under some cool water. let it sit on your closed eyes for a little bit. it'll reduce redness and help them get remoistened

been sitting in an uncomfortable position and you're starting to hurt? shift around a little bit. don't ignore it until your back hurts so bad you can't sleep

can't sleep anyway? can't quiet down your mind? turn on some music on the lowest volume. iphones have a setting for the timer and the bottom of the sound options menu to have it stop playing after the timer goes off. i usually set it for 1-2 hours depending on how rough of a time i'm having. it'll help distract you and drown out any other noises

take your meds if you haven't already. set a reminder on your phone if you need to. keep them by your bed or where you typically stay during an episode so they're easily accessible.

remember that you've made it this far. you can get through this. please get help if you're feeling suicidal or want to self harm. reaching out is not a sign of weakness. it's a sign of strength because you are brave enough to talk to someone.

this won't last forever. things do get better. i promise.

if you are feeling suicidal, want to self harm, or are just really having a rough time, contact the Trevor Project

they have a 24 hour text line that has personally helped me a lot before. if you have anxiety about phone calls this is a great option

they also of course have a phone line

they'll ask you what your name is, what town you live in, if you feel suicidal, etc. to make sure you're safe as you talk to them

lgbt+ friendly! so if you need to talk about that kinda stuff they can help with that too

people care about you. you may not know me and i may not know you. you may have just randomly found this post on your dash and never seen my blog before. i don't care. i care about you. you have to survive. i have to survive. we're going through this together even if we're complete strangers because if we don't support each other then survival is impossible. i want you to recover and get healthy and live a long and happy life. if you're not doing it for yourself or anyone else, do it for me.

please remember that things get better, and if you can't take care of yourself like a neurotypical person would, do the bare minimum instead, because bare minimum survival is still survival.