#i cant even get an appointment for my actual diagnosed mental health disorders right now

[youarealwaysenough]

What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck how do entire days just completely disappear on me how do I keep doing this to myself

[goddess-ofthe-underworld]

This post has nothing to do with what I normally post, however is why I haven't been posting. You dont have to read it. This is just my place to vent and the closest I can get to screaming into oblivion I suppose..

My husband and I moved all the way from mid Wisconsin to the bottom of Texas and are staying with my in laws, husbands mother and step father. Since we have been here, my FIL has shown that he is very much the 'if you odnt do things my way, its wrong', 'well I have ms and can do this so you can to or you aren't trying', 'holier than thou' type.

Now for background incase anyone is actually reading this, I have been diagnosed with depression, major anxiety, ADHD, borderline personality disorder, and am going to be tested to see if I am on the autism spectrum. I have suffered horribly over the years with all of these disorders, been in therapy for 8 years, and on the correct/best so far med combination for about 8months which now has been messed wit again because I cant afford my adhd prescription. So my daily life is fucking hard. I have worked very hard to deal with my anger, to be able to pull logic up faster than I have in the past, to be able to push my emotions to the side and to think about things logically and not just with my emotions or in black and white. I have spent years working on taming the rage in me.

My father in law destroyed all of that progress in 30 minutes.

Our car became unsafe so we had to get a new one. My MIL helped us with that and we thanked her very much for that! She set us up with the dealership, she got us a deal on it and we have thanked her multiple times for that. Now, just after simply talking to the man, not even signing papers, my father in law stayed behind and made the man doubt that we could afford it to the point where the man had asked us no less than ten times if we really could afford it or not because of my FIL. When he got back from making the salesman doubt us, he began to raise his voice at us saying how we needed to be straight forward with him about our finances, how we need to do this and that and I started to shut down. I knew what was coming. He turned to me and started going on about how i could work for my new aunt, when i had told him no five times already,my MIL told him she will not let me do that because my new aunt is a mess and she doesn't want me in that position. Now mind you before we moved here, we made it known to them that I havent worked or drove in four years due to all of my mental illness and a bad car accident I got into. They knew that the only way we'd come is if they were ok with that and could be understanding and not judging of it. So I said to him no I will not work for her. I've told you no already no means no. She he smiles and glares at me and said oh yeah? Why not? Yet again I start explaining my mental health, and he cuts me off and ✨yells✨ at me that if it's so bad I need to get on disability for it or get a fucking job already. I was shaking with anger, I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw things at him, I wanted to choke him. I was in a rage. I was able to control myself enough to where all I did was yell at him that I had an appointment in a few days to talk to my doctor about just that, but that it's none of his business and I walked away. My MIL yelled at him, it was a mess.

Since then, our car salesman had told us to take them to dinner and hed count it as a downpayment payment so we did. I had one drink and my FIL told me I shouldn't drink with all of the medications I take. I take two at the moment because I cant afford the rest and I took them 7+ hours previous to this one drink I was having that i have done multiple times and i know it is safe for me to do so.

Again I stayed quiet, I pulled myself together and said, well that us why if I'm going to drink I make sure that I take my medication plenty early so that it wont interact. He rolled his eyes and said well as long as you dont get sloppy and start issues. Didnt know you drank.

Now I have had one single drink at dinner in front of him and my MIL multiple times now, so why he said that I have no idea.

The way this man has been acting has been explained to me that he words things wrong, he tries to joke and it comes out wrong. Excuses are constantly made for his behavior towards me. Now I happened to know that he was upset at an aunt of mine for getting wasted and talking poorly about him and he was taking his anger out on me. And again, that was the excuse made, oh it wasnt directed at you.

The other night, my husband and I sat down and had long conversation and decided we would go back to Wisconsin. We sat down with his mother and mid conversation my FIL came out and said he hoped it was going good and when we wanted hed say his piece, and my MIL said well no it's going good apparently. And he looked at me and said well we aren't forcing you to stay here.

That's when I first felt things coming undone inside of me. This had been brewing for about a month now. I was twisting and pulling on my fingers to try to keep myself grounded as I raised my voice and said, no I know, that's why we are leaving because of you. He smiled an evil smile and frowned at the time and told me not to blame him for my short comings in life, and began to go off. He said the person who does the least should say the least.

My husband put his arm in front of me and I felt more things inside me come undone and I snapped. I told him to shut up before I beat his ass. My MIL told me not to and told him to go away and let us talk. He continued to look at me with that twisted look on his face and continued to talk shit. I honest to Gods can't tell you what he said after that because I saw red. The room was spinning and I lunged for him and my husband had to hold me back. I screamed at him that he was a piece of shit and to shut up, that I was going to kick his ass. Everything I knew on how to control myself and my rage went out the window in less than 30 minutes. My MIL was yelling at him to leave as he backed away from me while my husband held me back. I continued screaming until he left the room and then i sobbed angry tears. I could not believe that my wonderful mother in law was married to a man like that.

I apologized to her and I told her that I meant what I said to him, but I am sorry to her for how I acted. She said she understood and wasnt mad at me. My husband and I left the house until my FIL left and now I am heading back to wisconsin by myself because my husband has things here in texas to take care of before he can come with me.

Aside from that, my father in law has said that we dont pay bills here when we pay 500 a month for rent, 80 to help with food which we had spent over this month already, and we help buy toiletries. But he says we dont pay bills, we dont help with food.

He has also lied to my mother in law and said he didnt know I have an issue with multiple noises because I will hyper focus to the point of getting a headache when I have told him once myself, my husband has told him once verbally, and most recently about a week ago maybe through text. But my father in law told my mother in law that he had no idea and my mother in law even read the texts my husband sent and believes my father in law is telling the truth.

We have no money to do this, we have a car payment coming up, I have no idea how we are going to make it, I feel like my marriage is going to suffer, I'm worried about what will be said while I am gone. My MIL thinks things can be fixed, and I dont know maybe in time but right now I dont see it, and I know my limits with my mental illness and I know what will happen if I stay.

I dont know how to find peace anymore. I dont know how to find happiness. My husband believes that that isnt how he meant for things to be, but I've had a new aunt of mine tell me she has had feelings very similar to this with my FIL and that that is why she stays away.

I dont know what to do.

If you've made it this far, please send blessings of positivity my way, please pray, whatever your thing is.

I am tired.

[wlwdjh]

hi. i think i might have some early fibromyalgia but the internet isn't helping me too much. how did you get a diagnosis? how did it feel for you in the beggining? please i need some help i have been struggling with health for a few years but lately its gotten worse and neither my mum (undergraduate in medicine) nor any doctors ive been to know whats going on. Ive been on antidepressants for a while but stopped them. i cant say they helped. do you have any experience you can share?

Hi hun. First I want to preface this by saying I am in no way a medical professional so all I can do is share my experience. I also am located in the United States and have health insurance, which is going to make my experience different than a lot of others. I’m gonna put the rest under a cut just in case anyone has trouble reading about medical issues.

Fibromyalgia is a weird diagnosis, in that it’s a diagnosis by elimination. Before I was diagnosed by a Rheumatologist (a doctor who specializes in diseases of the connective tissue like arthritis) I spent years working with my doctor to figure out the source of my chronic pain. At 19 I was in a car accident and my doctor checked me over and took x-rays, all of which came out completely normal. Slowly over the course of the next few years though my health started to deteriorate.

At first I thought it was only mental. I was having major anxiety, to the point where I couldn’t go to school, and depression severe enough that I couldn’t get out of bed. I was sent to a psychiatrist, who listened to my symptoms for 15 minutes, diagnosed me with a panic disorder, and prescribed me Fluoxetine (Prozac) and sent me on my way.

Here’s the thing with meds - they work, but it’s often a struggle to find the right one. A lesser known symptom of Fibromyalgia is medication sensitivity. While Prozac works wonders for millions of people, it was way to strong for me, and left me feeling like a zombie. So after a few months of this drug, I went back to the same doctor. He maintained his previous diagnosis but switched me to Buspirone, a medication that is used just for the treatment of anxiety. I definitely think that it helped, but it didn’t do anything for my depression or any of my other symptoms.

While I was trying to figure out my mental health I started having more severe chronic pain. I was a dancer from twelve to twenty, and was in the best shape of my life when I started having severe joint and muscle pain. I thought I was just pushing myself too hard honestly, and just tried to slow down on my classes. I went from dancing 8-12 hours a week to not at all.

I also was having issues with memory - I was losing gaps in the day and couldn’t focus on things I used to love like reading. I was also exhausted 24/7.

It’s around this time that I dropped my psychiatrist and went without medical intervention for about a year. I realized at 21 that my depression was getting worse and worse - that summer I spent an entire week in bed, and my best friend had to come and make sure I was eating. I started seeing an MFT, and going through my own journey to mental health.

When I finally (through tons of incredibly hard work) pulled myself out of that hole I stopped being emotionally stoic and started noticing hey, my body is getting worse. My IBS symptoms started around the age of 23, and I lost quite a bit of weight just by not being able to eat anything. I also, through the encouragement of my therapist, started going back to my primary care physician, and he started trying to puzzle it out with me. First we thought the symptoms were depression related, so he put me on Welbutrin (which I still take to this day). It was unlike the other drugs in that taking it actually gave me energy and cleared my mind, rather than fogging it up further. Then he sent me to Physical Therapy. The PT was horrified at the state of my back at this point and put me through 8 weeks of grueling therapy. I would leave in incredible pain every day and then have to go home and do more exercises. While it wasn’t pleasant I can say that it gave me some of the knowledge that I use now in trying to treat my Fibro.

I also went through an elimination diet to try to find my trigger food for my IBS. I had never before in my life shown signs of dairy intolerance and then here at the age of 23 I was developing a rash on my arm any time I tried to eat mac and cheese lol. Cutting that out of my diet made a big difference in my gut health.

This whole time I was doing lots and lots of internet research on my own. I remember coming across an article about Fibromyalgia and its symptoms and how my heart stopped when I read it. I took it with me to my next doctor’s appointment and he admitted that he didn’t know much about the disease but that he could refer me to the doctor who did. In the meantime he put me on Gabapentin for my pain (which just made me feel drunk and dizzy half the time, not my fav).

The first appointment with my Rheumatologist was terrifying. I kept thinking that all my symptoms were just caused by my depression, that I was faking, that here I was about to be laughed out of another doctor’s office as a liar and attention seeker. Instead my doctor sat me down, asked me about my mental illness, my family history, my lifestyle, my diet, how bad my pain was, where it was located, and never once suggested that any of my symptoms were in my head. I went home and cried that night - I had never felt more validated in my life.

Before I could get my diagnosis we had to run some tests. My Rheumatologist had access to all of my results from previous x-rays and tests but had to run some blood tests to rule out anything else. I also underwent a physical test where she checked for trigger points - they’re basically small points on your body that cause intense pain when pressed. Almost all of the points hurt me haha. After a few weeks, at 24, five years after my initial onset of symptoms I had my diagnosis. I was prescribed Cymbalta and told to stop eating gluten, start exercising more, and to take care of myself. That’s the hardest part of this condition for me - the only way to treat it is by living a healthy lifestyle, which is incredibly difficult to do on my own due to my mental health issues.

It’s been a journey for me, and I’m sorry to say that everyone I’ve talked to with Fibro has had a journey as well. It’s just not a condition that doctors are quick to diagnose patients with. I know it can be hard but self advocacy is going to be your best bet towards getting a diagnosis. Remember that even without one your pain is still real.

[lyrieux-blog]

Tuesday, 28th March

Time: 16:36

        -╳-           Sorry for the delay in posting any more things. Mostly sorry to myself for not doing so because now I gotta try and remember everything that happened just to keep track of things… It has been a really stressful time, lately… and to top it all off, I’m ill with the Flu and it is literally sapping whatever modicum of motivation and energy I had left behind, anyway. What a fucking nightmare. I suppose the biggest issue lately is my mental health and the supposed help I was getting; in a nutshell, I am on the waiting list for counselling, and have been put forward to potentially be put on the waiting list for ACT-Therapy.  [Acceptance and Comitment therapy] Which is grand, right? Therapy? Yeah, I thought it was great until I read up on what would be covered - helping people understand and accept their diagnosis, to begin to put a framework in place to help begin to re-wire one’s mind…   h a n g   o n . I haven’t been diagnosed. Remember when I had to go to the place away from home, to meet a guy and supposedly get a full assessment after being referred for the second time? And I ended up seeing a social worker instead? Well… nothing came of that. The guy I was seeing once a month just to keep an eye on me actually couldn’t/can’t help me… because he actually just deals, mostly, with coping mechanisms for people with depression and anxiety - and while I have both of those, it did not approach the bigger picture or actually get to the root of the issue. So in essence, going in, chatting for an hour about what bothers me and coming home just… didn’t help. It was basically useless. I’ve been denied a second referral to a psychiatrist, even though I didn’t see one the first time. Anyway, the guy I was seeing at Gateway is now leaving to take on a position with the crisis team and I have to, supposedly, start all over again with a new guy… just to stay under the mental health umbrella. It’s a nightmare - like being back at square one. Anyway, in the email I received from the guy, after having to cancel an appointment because he got the day mixed up and I felt way too off balance and not built up enough to go… said there was no more appointments left with him, since he was leaving - so we spoke over email for a while. And it was the most we’d ever got across after like, four hour long sessions with him.  I discussed with him that I felt like I was getting nowhere, that I had to do my own research on what might have been wrong even though that alone stressed me out. [I’ve talked about that issue before.] And then went on to compare myself to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder; largely, he agreed with what he was reading and talked about things like ‘usually psychiatric medication doesn’t help personality disorders’ and ‘DBT would be a great therapy for you but it’t not available in your area’ and all this shit. And then at the end of it all… said he obviously couldn’t diagnose but when I asked if there was a possibility I  could get diagnosed by the relevant professional… he didn’t reply. So what he’s basically said is that there is no help out there for me, I;m fucked and there’s no hope in getting better unless I do it all myself. He actually sent me an email holding some self help sheets to do with DBT things - I’m sure that would suit someone a little more stable, but my head changes that often that I just cant mentally cope with the commitment… if my head suddenly decides that its useless, I won’t do it. Back to square one. And honestly, there’s no talking me out of shit like that, that’s half of the issue I’m having. I have over 30 different mood changes a day, for fuck sake - and he thinks I can teach myself DBT? No chance. And then to make it all  w o r s e, I have the job center on my back about the benefits I receive for not working, and apparently my sick notes from the doctor aren’t enough… so I now have to go through a 16 page questionnaire talking about my issues and why I cant work… and then go to a face-to-face assessment.  Which, the thought of is already sending me down a right pissed off, unstable mood road thing. I’m already chronically worrying about it because  mom needs the money and she’s quick to keep telling me that. Again and again and again. But there’s a section within the questionnaire, that needs contact to the doctor or medical professional that has the most knowledge of my condition - but my guy now doesn’t count because he;s leaving. So I basically have to go back to a doctor, start from square one and ask him to help with it all… before the deadline for the questionnaire to be back in in like… two weeks time. Which is barely anything when it comes to my local doctors and trying to get a fucking appointment or even acknowledged.  So I am absolutely panicking on the inside, my sister is constantly bitching about all the school work she has and causing issues and conflicts at home, mom is constantly shouting at her or the cats or nothing, or throwing a fit over something. I’ve started opening up to Mike about all this shit but he just kinda… nods his head, lets it go in one ear and out of the other, or look at me as if I am totally insane. Anyway. I gotta write a letter to my doctor. Because there is no way I am going to be able to speak about it all over again in ten minutes, if I even manage to get an appointment. So it would actually be easier for me to write a four page essay on how fucked up and unbearable my life is… so he or she can read it in their own time… and get somewhere from there. Hopefully. It’s literally my last chance to get anywhere with it all or I’m just going to end up going down and even darker and terrible road.   

[lyrieux-archive]

Tuesday, 28th March

Time: 16:36

        -╳-           Sorry for the delay in posting any more things. Mostly sorry to myself for not doing so because now I gotta try and remember everything that happened just to keep track of things... It has been a really stressful time, lately... and to top it all off, I’m ill with the Flu and it is literally sapping whatever modicum of motivation and energy I had left behind, anyway. What a fucking nightmare. I suppose the biggest issue lately is my mental health and the supposed help I was getting; in a nutshell, I am on the waiting list for counselling, and have been put forward to potentially be put on the waiting list for ACT-Therapy.  [Acceptance and Comitment therapy] Which is grand, right? Therapy? Yeah, I thought it was great until I read up on what would be covered - helping people understand and accept their diagnosis, to begin to put a framework in place to help begin to re-wire one’s mind...   h a n g   o n . I haven’t been diagnosed. Remember when I had to go to the place away from home, to meet a guy and supposedly get a full assessment after being referred for the second time? And I ended up seeing a social worker instead? Well... nothing came of that. The guy I was seeing once a month just to keep an eye on me actually couldn’t/can’t help me... because he actually just deals, mostly, with coping mechanisms for people with depression and anxiety - and while I have both of those, it did not approach the bigger picture or actually get to the root of the issue. So in essence, going in, chatting for an hour about what bothers me and coming home just... didn’t help. It was basically useless. I’ve been denied a second referral to a psychiatrist, even though I didn’t see one the first time. Anyway, the guy I was seeing at Gateway is now leaving to take on a position with the crisis team and I have to, supposedly, start all over again with a new guy... just to stay under the mental health umbrella. It’s a nightmare - like being back at square one. Anyway, in the email I received from the guy, after having to cancel an appointment because he got the day mixed up and I felt way too off balance and not built up enough to go... said there was no more appointments left with him, since he was leaving - so we spoke over email for a while. And it was the most we’d ever got across after like, four hour long sessions with him. I discussed with him that I felt like I was getting nowhere, that I had to do my own research on what might have been wrong even though that alone stressed me out. [I’ve talked about that issue before.] And then went on to compare myself to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder; largely, he agreed with what he was reading and talked about things like ‘usually psychiatric medication doesn’t help personality disorders’ and ‘DBT would be a great therapy for you but it’t not available in your area’ and all this shit. And then at the end of it all... said he obviously couldn’t diagnose but when I asked if there was a possibility I  could get diagnosed by the relevant professional... he didn’t reply. So what he’s basically said is that there is no help out there for me, I;m fucked and there’s no hope in getting better unless I do it all myself. He actually sent me an email holding some self help sheets to do with DBT things - I’m sure that would suit someone a little more stable, but my head changes that often that I just cant mentally cope with the commitment... if my head suddenly decides that its useless, I won’t do it. Back to square one. And honestly, there’s no talking me out of shit like that, that’s half of the issue I’m having. I have over 30 different mood changes a day, for fuck sake - and he thinks I can teach myself DBT? No chance. And then to make it all  w o r s e, I have the job center on my back about the benefits I receive for not working, and apparently my sick notes from the doctor aren’t enough... so I now have to go through a 16 page questionnaire talking about my issues and why I cant work... and then go to a face-to-face assessment.  Which, the thought of is already sending me down a right pissed off, unstable mood road thing. I’m already chronically worrying about it because  mom needs the money and she’s quick to keep telling me that. Again and again and again. But there’s a section within the questionnaire, that needs contact to the doctor or medical professional that has the most knowledge of my condition - but my guy now doesn’t count because he;s leaving. So I basically have to go back to a doctor, start from square one and ask him to help with it all... before the deadline for the questionnaire to be back in in like... two weeks time. Which is barely anything when it comes to my local doctors and trying to get a fucking appointment or even acknowledged. So I am absolutely panicking on the inside, my sister is constantly bitching about all the school work she has and causing issues and conflicts at home, mom is constantly shouting at her or the cats or nothing, or throwing a fit over something. I’ve started opening up to Mike about all this shit but he just kinda... nods his head, lets it go in one ear and out of the other, or look at me as if I am totally insane. Anyway. I gotta write a letter to my doctor. Because there is no way I am going to be able to speak about it all over again in ten minutes, if I even manage to get an appointment. So it would actually be easier for me to write a four page essay on how fucked up and unbearable my life is... so he or she can read it in their own time... and get somewhere from there. Hopefully. It’s literally my last chance to get anywhere with it all or I’m just going to end up going down and even darker and terrible road.