#i cant get myself to not get mad at the layers

[mira0000000-blog]

*goes to unfinished shit jail*

Miitopia Black Doom was created by @samethstarr !

[un-pearable]

bad hotel wifi means i can’t do my first GIS assignment properly and now i’m just sitting here like this woefully waiting 3-5 mins btwn inputting the answer to each question i got from a friend so it looks legit

[tgcg]

this is my element (+ album)

asking me to pick my fave album is like asking an orphan matron to pick her favorite baby boy

thats some weird and cruel circumstances to put upon me i feel like it changes every damn week like a rota

i mean what if my beats misbehave and i gotta put 'em in time out i cant play permanent on that theyre too cute

but yknow what i can show you one thing thats been on my mind lately

===

so when i was a kid we had this skateboard vid by "element skateboards" on DVD

they were this skateboard kit slash apparel company that was all about progressivism and shit and they did these much lauded comp tapes of dudes riding around on their boards and doing the dopest of macho tricks on the shit

flipping it turnways

putting the rock in the house like a big man

we had some of their merch actually

===

so anyways the one we had back then was This Is My Element

released 2007

mostly clips from cali i think and i mean the camerawork is fucking insane on some of those shots

this is gonna sound lame as fuck but i prob spent so many cumulative hours just peelin through the footage and ogling the shit outta it

that framing was tight

===

so you may be asking yourself or me

dave you genuine dicksucker i asked about your fav album not your favorite sordid ass display of smooth dudes hardcore riding and grinding them boards in public dude you have a problem

ok well that wasnt a question first of all so jot that down

but anyways to THAT i say

listen to the music

the whole thing has an original soundtrack of ambient beats

got some abstract hip hop jams, got some more indie stuff, lots of acoustic sampling

HELLA underground

and basically every track minus one is done by sampler beast david p. madson AKA "odd nosdam"

dude is my hero seriously

he is the master of the beat machine i shit you not hes always been kinda my idol on this stuff

aside from bro obviously

===

obviously.

===

anyways he had an E-mu SP-1200 which is a really oldschool sampler invented by dave rossum in the late 80s

revolutionary to the hip hop scene

nosdam had this mega distinct sound to his music that i always wanted to replicate on my own beats

still do

i dont know for sure if he used it on T.I.M.E. but he uses some of the same samples from "vol. 9" which was exclusively SP-1200 so im gonna get a lil j’accuzi on that

it couldve been a boss dr sampler SP-202 though idk

he had one of those

===

so aside from beating the shit out of the pause/resume button to flip my whole cranium at the cinematography or whatever i would also kinda play it on loop to listen to the soundtrack and space out at 2am

the lonely broner seemed to free his mind at night

ok shit broner is good but i didnt mean it like that

that was goofy lets just keep movin

it was the only way i had to listen to it back then but i mean the video is 50 mins long so its basically just an odd nosdam album with accompanying ambient skater sounds and random expletives and whatever

random car sequence

yknow what i dont think people respect enough?

the dude who catches all the "mad stunts yo" on camera

i swear to god at least half the time hes ALSO on a board and that shit is bananas to me

bros gotta be on some whole other level of zen to skate good AND catch all them glamor shots of his fellow skater

thats like an express ticket to the ER imo

the ambulance is already on the scene watching you like an eager crow watches a half dead dog

===

ok gonna go ahead and lay it out flat

not great on a board myself

kinda dogshit at it actually

so maybe im not exactly an arbitrator of skateboard heinousness

but i always kinda liked watching THEM do it i mean who doesnt?

whats an even crazier layer to stack on the "dave" cake is

and dirk told me this because unfortunately it kinda happened post-2009

he would do all these collabs with one of my childhood favorite underground rappers david cohn aka serengeti

surrounded by daves left and right dude even before all the time travel horseshit

thats like

serendipitous as fuck i think!

===

if sburb was just a revolving door of artists called dave that i could bump fists with

instead of other mes in various states of aliveness tending toward extremely dead

i wouldve probably given it something higher than 2 stars on my TGN review

===

so yeah you ask me my favorite album its T.I.M.E. by odd nosdam i guess

bump that shit on a walk your mind will go places unknown to man

[electrificata]

here are my house observations, im in season 3

some of the shit house says to foreman is genuinely unforgivable

foreman as a character i generally like. omar epps is giving a good performance of an even-keeled-but-not-without-effort kind of guy, i do like the plotline of a guy who came to learn from an expert whos the worst guy in the world and trying to figure out how to do the same thing without being the worst guy in the world. i also think they way they keep him out of hospital love triangles is racist, foreman is not currently hot but could be with 15% more attention from the writers room.

really sexist as a general rule. i have not encountered the idea of "jailbait" this much in literal years.

hipster racism. its the 2000s. funny to talk abt this because "hipsters" were younger at this point and the character of house is, im assuming, in his mid 40s at the start of the show, but thats the general logic that seems to be on display. "well you know that he's a good guy so its ironic and funny that he's threatening to use the n word as a joke."

a) stupid logic to begin with, doing something ironically is also just doing it, b) doesnt even work on its own terms here because house is widely acknowledged to be an awful person in the context. the entire show is built around the question "how much deliberately annoying, dangerous bullshit will we endure from this dickhead to maintain access to his unique skillset"

i still dont "get" house/wilson. like i do see it, like i can see that theyre a little obsessed with each other and they have a fun mutually manipulative dynamic, and they make sense as foils (guy who's self-consciously awful and often ends up doing noble things accidentally/guy who's self-consciously noble and often deliberately does awful things). but i cannot feel myself going insane about it. if anything i like him better with cuddy

cuddy really really hot. really really really hot. cuddy.

so like yeah i see house/wilson im just not going insane about it the way i thought i might. altho tbh it took a global pandemic and a extended, byzantine renaissance of tumblrina supernatural scholarship to make me have a destiel spiral. i need infrastructure for these things.

cameron's character is such an old school token girl character. i hate how they treat her "niceness" almost as much as i hate how they treat her crush on house.

a better show (written by me) would have some more cuddy and foreman "managing" house plotlines (foreman being a protege allows focus on the legacy of house's medicine, how to replicate it, how to contain damage), probably give him some of the cuddy and wilson time. the three of them together would be good i could do that.

cuddy/foreman. hm. in the remake.

like, i do get how this happened. house is troubled in a durable, interesting way. the writing is good enough to support his layers, the way his snap-judgement psychoanalysis of everyone he meets curls back around to shine a light on his own issues. good balance of competence and patheticness. laurie is giving a masterclass in the niche field of "british comedian comes to us tv drama, grows some stubble, becomes a sex symbol." i read an old review that referred to his "sourpuss charisma" i really like that turn of phrase.

(i was also into josh on the west wing when i watched that last year, i have a type i love antagonism. no im not dating anyone right now, who wants to take me for a candlelit dinner and tell me i smell good and my voice is sexy) (you cant just compliment me, ill be bored or uncomfortable, you have to bury it in a disagreement and make it clear youre kind of mad that youre into me)

that said i think the show kind of misunderstands house's sex appeal. it feels very written-by-men. women characters throw themselves at house in a porny kind of take-me-now way. in my observations guys who are arent traditionally hot but attractive in this antagonistic, talky was dont really get that kind of treatment, but they do get the main cast wilson/cuddy/cameron "i hate this guy but im obsessed with him and i will never make a move or i will and itll go badly" kind of stuff. my phantom house reboot does have cameron and house hook up and its a really mean and destructive fwb thing with like 4 false endings. does this make sense.

right now im in the middle of the plotline where leighton meester plays a 17 yr old girl stalking house because shes so in love. like thats not the vibe. at least from what ive seen. im not omniscient.

lol it turns out she has a spore makign her hypersexual lolllll i literally have this on in the background rn ok i take some of this back.

whenever i mention to someone im watching house theyll recount to me the plot of the one episode they can remember and it always sounds insane and its never made up.

"the one with the intersex teen model who fucks her dad to manipulate him and has testicular cancer" like yeah. yeah thats real. if you talked to me 3 weeks ago thatd be the one i recounted to you.

yes house does leer at her in that episode and its treated as logical and normal for a 45 year old man.

i hate chase, he's awful but boring.

im curious how long im gonna keep watching this, i know the later seasons get kind of soapy plotwise and i dont know if thats what i want out of this

[robotsafari]

ppl talk about how annoying as a chipp fan it is to see the same drug or colonizer joke 500 times (and i agree. it fucking sucks.) but NO ONE talks about how annoying it is to see the same fucking robo-ky sexual harassment joke. and i get it. thats what it did in the accent core plus story I FUCKING GET IT. (srry im so mad rn) i played the story. that shit is literally like one of the first thigns i saw of it.

i think there are also layers to the way it interacts with characters that makes it less just harr harr sexual harassment and just that it doesnt know how to socialize WOW i see myself in this silly robot. (nnnot saying that i harrassed ppl wow i cant believe i feel i need to clarify this.)

anyway idk what else to say im just!!!!! pissed. dont fucking make a dumb robo-ky joke at me again.

ofc nobody makes dumb daddy issues jokes (THANK GOD.) with robo-ky because! no one knows who crow is!! dont let twitter know who crow is!!!

[youngster-monster]

i wish i could show you the erm the Category dedicated to my uh. 22 discord wips. but unfortunately i cant send images thru anon and also then you get to see what each individual channel is named and a. none of the titles make sense and b. the titles of some of them make them sound WAY WEIRDER than they actually are because no one save for me and one other person were ever supposed to see the working titles and i dont have any ideas on how to change them so ALAS

im like a zoo animal you get to read off all my facts and i get to stare straight into your soul while not a single thought passes through my brain. i need the world to know about my bad discord wip organization

writing is actually about the full year spent turning into a pile of dust,

all worldbuilding!!!! my oc who started as a kleptomaniac prettyboy is now a god with layers upon layers of lore and i dont know what i did but now hes really way worse than he started and i take great pleasure in describing his antics to friends who werent around to see it happen in actual rp. i shudder to think what would happen if i turned that world into a ttrpg he'd be a freak (TEMPTING THOUGH)

there are and i cannot stress this enough TWENTY-TWO INDIVIDUAL CHANNELS and one of them is the OLD snippets channel - yes, i have two, no i cant explain myself - and everytime i think about sifting through it for writing ideas in moments of desperation i feel as though it will grow hands with which to strangle me with and so i dont touch them. they will rot but its better them than me

i may have to pick up those niche ships again because i imagine it feels VERY rewarding and also then you and the other three (3) people who like that ship can sing kumbayah in a circle or whatever

glad the beastly noises comment was a hit! now if youll excuse me i need to sit down at my computer and listen to monkey noises 10 hours while doing bad animal impressions and brainstorming a wip i wont ever complete ,

Weird titles are one of the joys of writing. I wish I could be one of these writers that give wacky names to their wips but unfortunately in this I am terminally boring lmao if it's not descriptive I am Never finding it again

Grabbing you like Steve Irwin showing off a baby alligator to zoo goers. And here is where the Bad Organization Practice goes :) isn't it neat 😌

Give in to the siren's call of ttrpg-ization.....

With rarepairs you either create bonds of steel with the two other miserable fuckers writing with you or a rivalry that gets imprinted into your bloodline. "He would Not fucking say that" but it's the only interpretation you get that isn't your (obviously more correct) own

(statistically I am this for at least one other kaellidan fan. Probably more. I often joke that whoever dislikes my writing is gonna be really mad about how much of me there is in that tag lmao)

[prettiestcowgirl]

i spent last night by myself as i cleaned up after my first dinner party. my childhood best friend and i made handmade gluten-free pizza, herbed french fries, and a garlic-olive oil aioli. i also bought some sparkling mineral water and local-craft made sodas for everyone. i had my best friend go to the garden out front of my house and make a bouquet for the dinner table; we have daisies and white hydrangeas. we played the evangelion cover of fly me to the moon while guest showed up. they brought wine and housewarming dishes.

later on, after a few hours of talking, everyone went home. i spent the night washing dishes while listening to a crime documentary. life comes at you fast. i started the year terrified to leave my bed and now im hosting dinner parties in my new dining room.

there is still residual suffering; i realized i have a lot more trauma than i previously thought. my roommates will slam a door accidentally or move their personal items to a private place or walk loudly throughout the house and i panic because i assume theyre mad at me. every slammed door makes me shake. im so used to my mother's volatile emotions that i cant comprehend people doing things accidentally or non-threateningly.

the quiet has also been hard. now that there isn't screaming and abuse, the silence is unnerving; it gives me too much time to think. ive been thinking of my dad a lot lately. ive been thinking of my grandmother. i am no longer surviving, so i am just thinking, and it hurts so badly. i was warned that once i left that house id start shedding layer by layer.

the first week i could hardly move. i laid in bed after work and slept until the next day. the second week i hardly showered and considered the woods behind my corporate office as a good resting place if i did the unthinkable. i woke up this week and i was somehow better. i stopped smoking. the nights spent crying were minimal. the sleeping improved. i had things i aspired towards. its slow getting to the surface, but it's so close, i can feel it.

i have wonderful health insurance due to my job and i decided to prioritize my mental and physical health now that im free to nurse myself back into a human being. i got a new psychiatrist and im being assessed for transcranial magnetic stimulation. it's for people who have OCD and major depressive disorder and don't respond to medication. sounds like rebranded shock therapy. im willing to try anything at this point.

ive also decided to try things for my physical stress symptoms, the pain, the shaking, the migraines, the dizziness, the nausea, etc. i am looking for an acupuncturist in the city as im only two train stops away from 30th street station. ive contacted a holistic doctor and a nutritionist. i meditate. i do breathing exercises. i surround myself with as much calm as possible.

ive lived in this body addled with stress since i was small. im scared ive put too much strain on myself already. last night at my dinner party, we discussed our hypothesis that stressed killed my father. he suffered a widowmaker, and we always assumed that it was due to his negligent lifestyle, but my roommate and i talked about her uncle recently passing due to one as well, and he was healthy. he had a primary doctor, he was fit, he ran, he ate well; harrowing that death comes for anyone regardless of their choices.

i slowly worked through the idea that maybe he was stressed. maybe my father was stressed. maybe stress and cortisol and adrenaline wreak havoc on these soft bodies we live inside. i was tested for cortisol at seventeen and was misdiagnosed with pcos due to my high levels. years later, after getting an ultrasound to finally address the constant pain i experience during sex and urination, they revealed that i didnt have any cysts on my ovaries. this meant that i didnt have pcos just very high cortisol floating through my body. it kind of clicked for me. i have abundant health issues and a terrible mental state and its slowly grinding my body to sawdust.

i think im finally in the place to start healing. i think i can do it. i want to see the other side. i want to replace this body and start fresh.

[lettersformiah]

9:12am, 20 june

hi bubba! in english atm. ive had a morning and a half. late to school hehe. had to sign in at the office bc i saw maia with the little attendance slip that relievers have. signed in and rocked up. the reliever is nice, he is chill. nice enough yk? youre at your first placement rn! so shit you had to wake up so early for it. n you have to do it the next two days as well. like eek. but youre amazing so i trust youll be fine. or even better than fine. i believe in you. just shit that i cant text you hehe. but its okay cause i have the letters and music and fifty internals to focus on. did i tell you french was also spoken? im terrible at french pronunciation. what can you do i guess. my kiwi mouth cant get around the fact that french is just gurgling. hopefully ill be fine.

wearing your hoodie at school ^-^ its nice and big and warm. i love it so much. im wearing so many layers bc its so cold. or not even that cold. so windy. and wind makes everything cold. got my stockings on, your hoodie, the big fleece jacket, and socks >:) which i dont think you are meant to wear with stockings, but fuck it, im cold and my shoes are thin. the wind is fucking up my hair too. so dog of mother nature fr.

what else? oh! friday is matariki. or maybe its not? i dont know. friday is the public holiday for matariki, so thats good enough for me. thursday is a half day bc they are doing the celebration at school from 1-5. (however it means p3 on thursday is like a full school assembly) i think im meant to go to the celebration? i think i will from like 3-5 maybe. if you dont miss me too much. but youd probably be asleep knowing you. will see i guess heh. i just know my friends were interested in going. i still have dance though, so maybe i go and then leave at like 4:40? thats when the bus is and itll take me straight to dance. just gotta be sneakily wearing my dance clothes or take a bag. we will see! sounds like a good plan though, if i do say so myself.

i really can keep writing forever hehe! apparently always having something to say translates well into letters too! id be so good with a diary. but i think one entry would be like 40 pages long. so maybe its for the best this is online. saves me some hand cramps.

i love you! and im excited for drama! having our war piece kinda finished is good. but getting the guys to work its kinda very hard when they arent feeling it. but we definitely need to perform soon. the original plan was to have it be done at the end of term 1. its almost been like 3 months since that? thats some shit timing. but tbf im glad we have the time to work on it, i want it to look good. but i dont mind not getting an excellence, but i know leo wants it. which is fair. hoping all goes well and the boys focus up. ill let you know.

it was nice waking up to you this morning :*] wish it could be like that irl and every day yk? i dont think i was very good at conversation, i barely remember it but i remember definitely slurring my words a teeny bit. sleepy maddi things.

ive been writing this letter for like thirty minutes. crazy how the time flies when i just talk. tbf whenever i talk just about my day it takes about 3 hours to get through! and i didnt even get to tell you about yesterday and the full on day i had! and havent even mentioned watching the end of the summer i turned pretty with rem and hos and jazz or playing dnd! gosh theres so much to talk about i could go on forever. im happy you love that about me. im very lucky. youre a great listener which is perfect because im a great talker. love you bubba.

i should go i think. got other posts to make and some english to pretend i did. i love you, hope the placement is going okay and you havent fallen asleep injecting someone yet.

talk soon,

-mads<3

[girlvsghost]

just a small blurb vent

okay, im sorry but im drunk typing and im over my head but seirously im so mad at myself for saying no to when he asked to take me on an offical date. i want him, i want him bad. i want to hangout with him and get close and touch him and feel him under my hands. to look into his eyes and communicate without words. to feel his warmth bleed into me. fuck i want him. i want him. i miss his hands on me, maniuplating the tissues carefly laid under each layer of my skin. till i cant focus on anything but him, as if everyone else in the room disspaearwed and every second lasted hours. okay thats all before i cry love u <3

[gaygayaurel]

What happens to the mf when he listens to DT videos in BG

I truly hope that player is a shitheel deltarune thing isnt really really the end theme because as interesting as it is the best solution is to not play the game at all and personally i would very much like if the gane told me how to co-live with it (undertale) rather than wholesale condemn my presence while ironically demanding me to play it to exist. Now it does make an interesting question of how nuch do you pay for experience how much are you willing to hurt to get out most of the game etc. Was it right of yourself to impose your will on Frisk even if it lead to the "correct conclusion?" It would make sense and there would be a lot of definitely cool questions - it would be like Pathological which is player hostile to drive home the point of the misery oof the situation.

Somethinf about Deltarune and its One Ending thing also makes me think about uh i dunno what is the proper name, but walking simulators. You dont do anything but go on and try to piece together pieces of story which is tide enviromentally to yo. Now of course, DT is classic RPG through and through but the while one ending (but it matters what you discover and experience) would shed a lot of light on the situation. Why do we play games that give us no agency, where we cant change anything (and to tie to my earlier paragraph, why do we insist on our presence muddling the story that plays out to the same conclusion?) Is weird route our struggle against fate and doing monstrous things to break out and prepare (in vain)?

It reminds me of discussions around the game where you drop a bomb and people are really mad you did it because well the game didnt give you a choice otherwise. But to me it made perfect sense. It is common in visual novels to block r or force a choice on certain routes. Now I never played the soldier game so I cant tell how effectively it does choices. But to me forcing a soldier to fire a bomv is poignant - what else could he do? Agaib i dont know the details, maybe it was done in a shoddy way and other places in the game had choices or people felt like it wad heavyhanded. Would it have been better if you chose not to fire but got shot for it like instantly? I think abt it because like if the best is to not drop the bomb then the best thing is to not play the game. Just like in Deltarune.

Did I seriously talk myself out of. My first gut position? Yea because I am a pussy and I dont want to hurt anyone even if that someone is a story and I dont eant to be judged as bad person by a narrative. I am sort of a person who meticilously plan out their Mass Effect 2 or Witcher 3 run to get exactly what I want. Games like DT are freeing but also terrifying in a way. And deltarune world is so nice and detailed and full of life and interesting facts and its just so nice to talk to people and go on adventure and wait a fuckimg minute

Deltarune is just like a Dark world in a sense. We dip in we get to control a cooler avatar we get a ton of cool characters we want to meet or see their lives deleted. We try and figure out the best course for it and we try to find all the secrets. The dark world represents escapism but also noteable gamification FOR the beloved Lightners but their world is already GAMIFIED TO US. Theres almost game inside the game feel to it all.

Of course noone in the gane takes over Established People's Life so the point could be moot. They remain themselves. And its interesting they dont have the choice to kill or anything, unless YOU the outside influenfce intervene in gamebreaking way. Someone who sees both layers as a game forces the thought in (weird route). But they still have larger influence and disrupt the gane world they enter just like you do, and yet are limited to seemingly one path just luke you are.

Or something. I am just excited to see what Toby does, I love his games so far they are very charming this is very half hearted rambling.

[physicsfox7]

Okay. Same rules as always apply: you can interact if you want to, or ignore this if you don't. As always, I know I'm a lot to handle.

I've had good mental health for over a week. Things were going great, I felt good, was sleeping, kind of eating (still struggling there, but usually 1+ meal a day, even if the + was an uncrustie), didn't have any intrusive thoughts. Then last night I could feel the spiral coming on, and for the dumbest trigger imaginable. For a totally irrational and juvenile and stupid reason. Which makes it even worse really.

It doesn't help that I may be getting sick, or I may already be sick. Not sure, and not sure where that might be going, but I know its not helping.

I mentioned recently that my friends are everything, my heart and soul. But probably 3 or 4 times a week I think to myself: "Wouldnt it be easier, safer, less hurtful if you just...didn't? Let your friends go, they were probably at least as happy when you weren't around. You can drift away from them, let the distance get wider, and you dont have to hurt anymore."

I dont mean friends like we talk once every few weeks or exchange letters or whatever. I mean the friends I can barely go a day without talking to them, the ones that I seek out to say hello to. If I leave, they wont notice for long, and I wont lay awake at night wondering if I said something wrong, if they havent said hi because they're mad at me, if this is all a colossal fuck up and they're screwing with me. Because it has happened. To me. Multiple times.

I guess I didn't realize just how much I let certain people in. Which is stupid, right? Because how can someone be so out of touch they didnt see the 6 foot layer of bullshit come down?

So, what if I didn't? What if I went back to just me and my partner, and my thoughts? How long before I crack in half? How long before I decide I cant handle it, I cant be that alone. I was able to do it once, when I was so much stronger. But I lay awake at night, after the first wave has passed, in a cold sweat. And my mind says you could stop the anxiety if you just get cold again.

I spent 10 years working. I know, I know. Everyone has had a job, has dedicated themselves to it. It was nearly all I had. In my family, you get up and you do your chores, then you go to work. When you get home, you make sure nobody else needs help with their stuff. If you're lucky, after exhausting yourself in manual labor for 12 or 14 hours a day, you can watch tv until your eyelids feel like iron. I cant tell you how many nights I fell asleep on the couch. The last time I went on "vacation", I had to help put a new roof on my parents house. When I was a teen and wed go visit family in NY, there were always chores. Mow the lawn, repaint the fence, redrywall your aunts house, put new decking down. Work was all I knew. Much to my surprise, people didnt do all of this all the time. They had downtime, they had reasonable hours, they had the ability to say no.

Thats another one. Saying no. Seems easy, right? I can type it to myself all day long. If I told my parents no about work, or side work, or any chore that fell into my lap because my sister said she didnt want to, I was punished. In a backwards and manipulative way. Suddenly none of my favorite foods were in the house, my room was never clean enough, I had to do all the dishes from dinner because it just didnt make sense to run the dishwasher.

So when I say I could just flip the switch and become cold again, my whole body goes into panic mode. My heart is racing right now because somewhere, someone is going to read this and know what is going on inside my head.

The only thing more terrifying to me than making an ass out of myself in front of my friends, more terrifying than them getting mad at me; is not having them. I honestly think it might kill me.

I let them in too far, and now what if they leave?

I guess I can't let them go after all. I hope that they don't want to be let go of.

This was only slightly more convoluted than usual. If you're insane enough to read this, I'm sorry to subject you to what is essentially word vomit. I need to get this out, or it will eat me alive. Never really understood what people meant by that until now, that holding certain things in can kill you, can devour you.

I'm afraid of getting hurt, and I'm too afraid to be alone. I just need to not push people away, even though that is my immediate response. Just take a step back for a day or two, its no big deal. Then suddenly four months have gone by, and they're either tired of trying or didn't care enough to in the first place. Hard to say which of those is worse.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, except everything is lined with razor blades to make it more interesting.

[unposted-comments]

"I am human, nothing human is foreign to me" goes hard as fuck. its infuriating how easily it communicates something that has sometimes taken me hours of stammering and contradicting myself to completely fail to explain (sorry drunk, annoying, people pleasing while also conceited voice and grammar -- also sorry for assuming you would judge me for that -- also sorry for assuming you would put up with that -- this is where i would delete because im low IQ and can't handle any more recursion -- this is where i get mad at the idea that to be smart i would have to suffer endless layers of recursive self-hatred and insecurity -- 'endless' implies i would be infinitely smart if i didnt hate myself, an extremely comforting thought to have -- all of this is a lie, i dont actually think like this but i was experimenting with the idea that maybe if i DID think like this, i would be interesting and cool =even tho i would hate someone like this= -- maybe the reason i suffer is that i would never extend the patience to others that i myself need to love myself -- yeah i thought of that the first time i watched naruto and it has been inscribed in my fuckin brain ever since, god bless kishimoto for committing to the shonen dream of radical empathy -- i will not doubt default item arrangements (i guess lmaooooooooooooooooooooooo).

anyway bruv i am painfully average, so i cant afford to put forward an AU [fanfiction] pantomime or substitute [pokemon move] and expect it to be at Full Power (its like running a virtual machine; a fraction of the resources, not my full personality, emotional landscape and intellect; the quantity i offer is not all i can give {}[];];{on top of being a lie{}[]{}[;}--;)];););););););) -- ... ... . ;) ... )

Human is foreign to me. I am human.

I don't understand how autistic people describe a feeling of brutal authenticity, when a belief in one's own authenticity is indistinguishable from zealotry to me. I'm scared and alone and so alienated from myself that my self is alien.

#and if you don't think i love this state of affairs#you're wrong#existence should be scary#scary means unknown#and not knowing means i have an excuse for not doing it correctly

uniform in ways im not picking up on. trapped in a form that better people have grown out of, too stubborn to listen to them. i will die a child

[washthebug]

i cried this morning because i was thinking about how one day im gonna move out and not be as close (distance wise) to my mom anymore.

and then i had to take my grandma and her dogs home, and her dogs never get baths and shed like crazy. them being in that car left dog hair EVRRYWHERE and the big one breathes on me and pants by my ear and when you touch them it feels like a thick layer of dirt covers you. they just give me sensory issues okay it freaks me out.

so i come home and im downstairs and like fine then my parents said they were leaving to go out and eat with some friends and i freaked out and i dont know why??? like i got emotional so i ran upstairs and i laid in bed and cried because what else is a wash meant to do.

and then i started thinking about how far behind i am on life and how i dont know what i want to do job wise and wow im crying again.

but yeah, that had be sobbing and then my mom came in like 'are you okay' then immedietly told me 'oh my god ill vaccum the car, youre over reacting. i hate to say it but youre a spoiled brat' then left, then came back and gave me 25 dollars to get me and my brother food or whatever and then left.

and i calmed down after a while whatever hut ive been off every since.

i ended up getting my brother ice cream since he already ate pizza, then a soda, and i got myself peanut butter crackers and a like 6 pack of oreos because they were cheap, left the rest of the money on the table bc i didnt spend much.

and i was okay but then she came home and didnt come say hi to me or goodnight and it hurts really really bad and i cant sleep and i just love my mom but shes mad at me and i dont know what to do.

[thotfrnk]

ive been thinking thoughts once again (i know) but this wont leave me and I need to ramble or I will die.

before i go into my meandering thoughts, I always ask myself this: at what point in any canon did lawnji 100% decided to give up his life for w2x (the 33 elders do not count, I'll explain further), and in turn, at what point in canon did w2x give up his life for lawnji?

let me touch on the 33 whips for 33 elders thing first: when lawnji harmed those 33 elders, it was already too late, w2x had already gone mad with the resentful energy and he had reached the point of no return, no amount of "come back to gusu" woulda save w2x. and the discipline whip lashes? happened well AFTER w2x's dead, and it was something lawnji brought upon himself, he still had a strong golden core to help him heal along w his SECT LEADER brother and shufu... so there is not real sacrifice lawnji didn't risk his clan, he got out easy bc of his status as lan-er-gongzi, that's not a sacrifice, I'm sorry!

so anyways the main point of this is well, is our main couple so incredibly weak that w2x's interactions with other men (jc, really) had to be cut out or changed in order to make sure our cp stands strong? are they so weak in the canon that other adaptations had to diverge or purposely leave out instances in the source material?

the donghua added in a scene where they met as kids when w2x was still on the streets, which never happened in the novel. the entirety of cql..... lol. and the manhua, ohhhh boy. the manhua which left out the w2x&jc hug after they reunited when w2x was missing (post-back alley noncon-surgery), replacing it with a "no homo!" shoulder bump. and one of the biggest reveals was CUT OUT entirely, jc's sacrifice, all because what? to make jc look bad? or were the creators and fans so insecure of their canon couple that any little thing could rattle their supposed unshakeable foundations? i find it so interesting.

at no point in the novel, we see w2x make a huge sacrifice for lawnji, but he agreed to a 50/50 surgery, agreed to mutilate himself, cut out what is essentially a vital organ, all for his shidi. hm. and how did shidi even lose such a thing? (ntm wc bragging w2x abt how much jc screamed when his core was being melted...)

jc who saw those wen soldiers getting nearer to w2x, jc who had lost everything, who was shackled to filial duty to rebuild and get revenge, used himself as bait, to protect - uh, who was it again? oh yeah - w2x. and don't even tell me jc wouldn't have done it if it meant him losing his golden core, jc KNEW wzl aka the "core melting hand" was at lotus pier, he knew that wzl melted his parents core and killed them, jc isn't stupid. he was fully prepared to die, not just simply lose his core, but to die.

i just find it sooooooooooo interesting our main couple doesn't have anything on this scale? idk man they're supposed to be our cp (canon pairing) like cant they get some more flavour . i just find it so interesting that jc's and w2x's relationship is so intertwined, with so many layers of trust, betrayal, promises upon promises, and yet different adaptations like to pretend they simply don't exist or downplay it.... reeks of insecurity methinks.

[caringtoncomplex]

SESSION 01

> ... > ENTER PASSWORD > [*****] > ... > BEGIN DATA SEQUENCE > ... > .. . > … > REBOOT CYCLE COMPLETE. > FIRST PLAYER INITIALIZED > TEST [START] 01: oh jeez thats me. > INSERT PROMPT 01: [UNKNOWN PLAYER ID] IM NOT SMART

01: That is not a promtp

01: can i give myself a name > ENTER NAME 01: [REDACTED]

01: :) > PLAYER ID ESTABLISHED

> [REDACTED]

> BEGIN.

> You wake up. You are lying on cold, concrete floor. Fluorescent lights buzz overhead, the only sound besides your labored breathing. Your chest feels tight.

> A monitor attached to the wall blinks to life.

01: > get up and look at the monitor. stupid

01: > (mad dogs myself) > You get up to look at the monitor. As you stand, you realize that you are very tired. You do not know why.

> The room is small. 15 x 15 x 10. Concrete floor, concrete walls. Grey, lit by the harsh white light above.

> There are posters on the walls. A toilet sits in the corner. A radio drones, laid on its side, static.

> You look at the monitor.

> It is a view of the room you are in from an upper corner.

> It's you! 01: > wave into the camera like a loser

01: > look at the posters? > You do not see any cameras.

> You look at the poster. There is a depiction of a minimalist human holding hands with others, just out of view.

> "REMEMBER! COLLABORATION IS KEY HERE AT [CTC.]"

> The posters seem to be motivational, encouraging team-work and self-care.

> "FEELING STRESSED? TAKE A MOMENT TO BREATHE! WEEKLY WELLNESS MEETINGS EVERY WEDNESDAY IN R-164."

> "DON'T FORGET: IF YOU'RE EVER IN TROUBLE, JUST CONTACT [D-CRT]!"

> "IF YOU'RE FEELING OVERWHELMED, LIE DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND WAIT FOR SOMEBODY TO HELP! HERE AT [CTC], WE CARE ABOUT YOU!"

> There's several more. 01: > what about the radio? > The radio seems to be battery-operated, as it's not plugged into anything. Currently, it is playing soft static.

> It is not a model you recognize.

> In fact, you don't recognize anything in this room.

> You do not remember how you got here.

01: > ): no musics for me.

> ADMINISTRATOR PROMPT: [TURN THE DIAL?]

01: > OH. TURN THE DIAL

01: > SO SIMPLE

> The radio cuts in and out as you switch between stations. Finally, it settles on one.

> Music begins to play. A man- who's accent you somehow recognize to be British- sings. It is a lofty voice, full of passion, on top of layered instrumentals.

> "DON'T... STOP ME... NOW..!"

> "CAUSE I'M HAVIN' A GOOD TIME, HAVIN A GOOD TIME-"

01: > THIS RULES

01: > does it have antennas

> Yes. It has one. It is long and makes a funny noise when it wobbles side to side. Tktktktktk.

01: > mess with that antenna bay bee

> You play with the antennae. It continues to make the funny odd wobble-click sound. The music fades in and out when it's jostled.

> There is something written on the bottom.

01: > what does it say?

> “PROPERTY OF [CTC-FM]. 99.9 [MHz.] “

01: > move around the room with it just in case???????????????????/

01: > does it say anything else anywhere

01: > rotate that bad boy

> The radio does not, but CTC seems to be a reoccurring name. It stands for something familiar, but you do not remember.

> When you rotate it, the signal comes in and out. When you stand in the corner, the radio seems to pick up another station.

> It's hard to make out unless you listen closely, but there's someone speaking.

01: > oh god what are they saying .

01: > put my ear up to the radio and turn the volume up

> A male voice speaks through the radio. His voice is calm, and vaguely midwestern.

> "...emergency protocols.... all L-1 employees evacu... remain at your stations... the Administration thanks y... contact D-CR..."

> It's hard to make out the rest.

01: > :tails~1:

01: > IS THERE A FUCKING DOOR IN HERE.

> No.

> Just kidding. 03: help

01: > hey man you never know.

03: watching this like a letsplay rn

> There is a door. It's grey like the walls and made of metal. There's an observation window.

01: > so i cant see out the window. right.

01: > .......... :hesass:

> You can!

> You see a hallway. It is difficult to see down it due to the limited view. You see several doors, some with doors that are less heavy-duty than your own. 01: > WHAT DID I FUCKING DO.

01: > ..........................................................

01: > bang on the window

01: > this will definitely help my case btw

> You don't know. You don't have any recollection of what happened before you got here. Maybe there's something on your person that could help.

> You bang on the window. It's a loud, startling noise compared to the quiet of your cell.

> ...

> Nobody comes.

> The radio drones on, but it rattled oddly when you banged on the door, like loose change.

01: > check my pockets?

> You dig around in the pockets of your jumpsuit. You have several, so it takes a while.

> You find a polaroid, an odd clicker-like object with a bright blue button, and a wristband.

01:> check wristband

> It's a white wristband, not like one you would get at the hospital, but it's sturdy and can snap on. It has writing on it.

> "SUBJECT ID - [178]"

> "CLASS - [A]

> "NAME - [...]"

> ADMINISTRATOR PROMPT: [ENTER NAME.] 01: > [REDACTED[

01: > [REDACTED] sounds so bad sorry man.

01: > cyan e. jones. hows that > [UNKNOWN PLAYER INTERFERENCE]

01: > HEY MAN

> REGISTERING NAME...

> NAME REGISTERED.

> You check your wristband.

> "NAME - [JONES, CYAN E.]"

> That is your name on the wristband. You are subject 178.

01: > :cyantbh:

01: > okay check the polaroid

01: > gorgeous! thats an image of. something

> It is an image of something.

> You see a woman. She is tall, and wearing a white coat, like a scientist in the cartoons. You see yourself, but not wearing what you are currently wearing. You see another person. They look exactly like you.

> You do not know who these people are.

01: > OH GOD

01: > DUDE.

01: > YOUACNT DO THAT.

01: > okay now its time to press the button on the clicker i guess > You press the button on the clicker. It makes a very satisfying 'clck!' sound.

> A second passes.

> ...another...

> ...

> Suddenly, you hear a loud, ear-splitting noise roar from the monitor.

> "D-CRT CONTACT INITIATED - PLEASE STAND BY!"

01: > :why~4:

01: > I AM GOINGTO FUCKING DIE.

01: > .... go hang out with my beloved radio and wait for contact . i guess

> Not yet.

> There is a loading circle spinning away on the monitor. There is a logo in the center of a minimalist cat.

> The radio is comforting. The radio is your friend. It murmurs softly, white noise.

03: backseat gaming voice cyan put the song on again

01: > put the song on again yeah.

03: :ceeso:

> UNIDENTIFIED PLAYER INPUT.

> TROUBLESHOOTING...

> PROCEED.

> You put the song back on. The station is playing a different song, now, sung by a different man- also British. His voice is softer and hard to make out.

> "Good times, for a change..."

01: > wait. actually. look at the back of the polaroid while i wait also pease :)

> You look at the back of the polaroid.

> "5/07/2002 - first day"

> The monitor flares to life. You hear a feminine robotic voice, accompanied by text and a pixelated avatar of a blue cat.

> "HELLO, CTC EMPLOYEE! I am Delphi-COGNITIVE RESONANCE TRIAL- D-CRT, your ON-SITE assistant!"

> ...

> "YOU ARE NOT AN EMPLOYEE!"

> The little cat makes an angry face.

01: > :o

01: > "can you still help me?"

> "Of course! I am your ON-SITE testing assistant. I am always here to help! :)"

> It says the smile out loud.

> "Running subject identification..."

> "..."

> "Subject identified - S-178. JONES. Oh, that's weird."

01: > HM??????

01: > "why do you say that?"

> "Hehe! There's two of you in the database. Also, I can't access your records. How weird!"

> "Anyway, I see that you are in a locked room without a staff member present. I am designed to act in their stead."

> "Let's find the key! :D"

01: > god help me

01: > walk over to toilet? maybe the key is somewhere. over there i guess

> You walk over to the toilet. It's clean, but... you get the impression that somebody, somewhere, might have used it before...

> There's something metallic inside.

> [LOOK CLOSER?]

01: > look closer. unfortunately.

> There is a small screwdriver inside. The cat on the monitor watches you with something akin to eagerness.

01: > .............................................

01: > "do i have to be the one that grabs that."

> D-CRT makes a strange sound, like simulated laughing.

> "I don't have hands, silly! :3"

01: > :squarnt: grab the screwdriver

01: > STRUGGLING. but i survive. #girl

> You grab the screwdriver.

> The screwdriver has been added to your INVENTORY.

> INVENTORY:

> Polaroid

> Screwdriver

> Wristband

> Radio

> D-CRT seems pleased. The cat avatar spins around happily.

01: > walk back over to the door now. can i use it??

> You walk back over to the door.

> The screwdriver may be small, but it cannot fit in the lock.

> The radio has screws on the back matching the same head as the screwdriver.

01: > ................................... IM SO DUMB

01: > use the screwdriver on the radio. im sorry my friend ):

> The radio forgives you for digging around inside it.

> You unscrew a panel on the back of the radio. Out falls a key. It pings against the floor unceremoniously.

> Good news - the radio is perfectly intact, and now you have a key!

01: > USE THAT KEY ON THE DOOR BAY BEEEEE

> The door opens. D-CRT speaks up.

> "I cannot speak to you out there without a monitor. Good luck, 178!"

> The hallway is long and lined with various doors to offices and cells similar to your own. It veers to the right at the end.

> Most of the lights are off in the offices, save for one.

01: > oh go straight to the office with the light on. immediately

01: > BEFORE I DO.

01: > wait nevermind no im good. i was just gonna say thank you to the cat.

> The cat on the monitor smiles.

> “Remember - always be on the lookout for suspicious workplace behavior!”

> The monitor blinks back to the camera feed, through cameras you cannot see.

> [ENTER OFFICE?]

01: > ......... tentatively enter office

01: > WITH SCREWDRIVER IN HAND. just in case.

> There’s no one inside. There are filing cabinets lining the walls, and a desk with a computer on it. The computer is on, and opened to a desktop full of files and applications.

> There is a calendar on the wall featuring an orange cat. You know his name to be Garfield.

01: > put garfield calendar in inventory. this may not be important to you but it is very important to me.

01: > go and check out the desktop. whats all this then

> You try to put the Garfield Calendar in your inventory. The only way is to roll it up and put it in the pockets of your jumpsuit, as you are already holding the Radio.

> The desktop has various files and applications. You can only really recognize a few of them as the rest have strange formatting.

> "Subject Documents" "Employee Records" "MP3s" "PERSONAL FILES"

> The desktop also contains a copy of Portal 2.

01: > okay first of all check out mp3s. whats this guys music taste and how 01: hard am i going to have to judge it.

> You see several songs. You see bands such as "The Smiths", "The Killers", "Gorillaz", "Queen", and "Blur". The only link between them is that they're all British bands.

01: > ................. so ive gotta be in britain

01: > or something. right. is the thing.

01: > his music taste is pretty mid. anyways look at subject documents

> ADMINISTRATOR'S NOTE: The voice on the radio was American.

> You open Subject Documents.

> You see several files, names you don't recognize.

> But you do see a JONES. Two, in fact.

01: > ... open the first jones file

> You open the first JONES file.

> "NAME: JONES, CYAN E."

> Hey, it's you!

> "SUBJECT ID: S-178"

> "CLASS: A:

> "DOB: ???"

> "STATUS: IN STASIS - AWAITING ACTIVATION"

> "RESEARCHER ID: Smith, Connor A."

> "RESEARCHER'S NOTES: This one is weird. Why don't we have more records on them? It might be a clearance thing. I don't know how they expect us to work without access to full medical records. If they're the kind of subject that freaks out in confined spaces, maybe I should know about it before I'm the one who gets in trouble."

> "RESEARCHER'S NOTES: Subject acted oddly while in stasis. Lots of REM cycles, which isn't normal at ALL. I swear they blinked at me. Bloody terrifying. Did respond positively to music, and seemed to calm down after that."

> "RESEARCHER'S NOTES: Why did they give me this assignment? I wanted to work in robotics, not behavioral science. They're breathing down my neck for this one."

01: > so this guy SPECIFICALLY is british.

01: > oh wow im kind of like a little creature arent i

> This researcher known as Connor Smith appears to be, specifically, British. Unfortunate.

01: > sucks for him #fail

01: > check out the second jones file?

> You open the second JONES file.

> ...

> It's blank. 01: > awesome. thats normal.

01: > go into employee records. who is this connor guy

> You open Employee Records and search for Connor Smith.

> He is a Level 2 research assistant working in Behavioral Science and Machine Learning. He is from Bristol, and he's 37. He also works in the radio station on-site as a technician. The facility you are in has a radio station, apparently.

> You are assigned to him, but he doesn't appear to be here.

01: > why DID they assign him to me.... if he wanted to work in robotics.......

01: > much to think about. i guess

01: > look in his personal files also

> Most of it are funny cat.pngs, something you can appreciate.

> There are also photos of a man at a concert, the same man wearing a labcoat in front of others, and pictures of people you don't recognize. The man featured in most of them looks familiar, as if you've seen him in a dream.

> He's tall, pale, and prematurely greying. Kind of looks like if a stork was turned into a human man.

> This must be Connor.

> Looking further, you also find personal notes and entries. They're dated, spanning 3/25/2012 to 7/10/2012. They stop after 7/10.

01: > oh.

01: > look at personal notes?

> You open the personal notes.

> Much of it seems to be Connor talking about his day at work and his new research assignment, as if it were a personal journal. He talks about the conditions of the facility and his feelings of being watched, as he notes there are cameras literally everywhere. The name Dr. Moore comes up a lot, with mostly Connor complaining about how much he doesn't like him, because he comes off as "one of those people that went to college only because they had the money for it" and not because they actually care about science, something he is clearly passionate about.

> [READ AN ENTRY?] 01: > yeah read an entry

> LOADING...

> 4/03/2012.

> "It's kind of hard working down here. The elevator takes forever, and it's a long walk to the broadcast station aboveground. I've never had to walk so much, this facility is huge. And there's no windows, which is more than a little annoying. I wish they'd put some potted plants around here, but apparently that creates a 'behavioral disturbance' in the staff. I swear that the whitecoats 2 and up are trying to make this place as boring as possible."

> "I still don't know why I was given this assignment. I went to college for robotic engineering, now I'm stuck monitoring a test subject. We're supposed to be running behavioral and learning experiments later, but something feels weird about this. J, as I've been calling them, seems like they both appeared out of thin air and that everybody knows them. No records on where they're from or how the whitecoats found them. I asked Dr. Moore about why I don't have access to their records and he just smiled at me like I was an idiot for not knowing. I'm trying to do my damn job, if they have like, asthma or something I can't just wait for them to have an asthma attack mid-test."

> "Not only that but they told me to stop asking about it. I tried telling Emily but she said she got in trouble for talking about her own projects with other departments. It's in my contract for some reason. Apparently some employees aren't supposed to know about the stasis cycles, which, by the way, never fail to freak me out. I wonder if they dream in there. J seems like they do- they move around a lot."

> "It must be scary. Being asleep like that, unaware that you're being studied. They told me they volunteered. I just hope Dr. Moore isn't lying to me."

> The entry ends here, but there's more.

> [READ "7/03/2012"?]

01: > :tails~1:

01: > :evilcat~1:

01: > OKAY.

01: > MAN

01: > Dude.

01: > yeah read 7/03.

> Dude indeed.

> LOADING… 05: hang on what the fuck is going on in here > [UNKNOWN PLAYER INPUT]

01: [REDACTED] put me in the chamber

05: oh shit

01: hope this helps

05: (sits)

> "[REDACTED] :)" is being put in the chamber.

03: [REDACTED] escape

01: ^ im being put in the chamber

03: HELP

03: 1 persons forever hours too many doors

> Back to the game.

> 07/03/2012.

> "I can't shake this feeling like we're building up to something, but I don't know what it is. They're pressuring us to work overtime. They can't legally force us to, but HR loves to send guilt-trippy emails about 'good work ethic' and 'teamwork' and the rest. If I don't stay in the lab, Alice will get on my ass about me not being productive enough. I'm sure there's some ethics violations going on, but I live on-site, so I'd rather not get fired anytime soon. I moved to America for this job and I don't want to lose it."

> "I haven't seen Dr. Moore in a while. I've asked around but people say he's busy working on a project. IM-something. It must be important, because everyone is so secretive about it. Can't get a word out of anyone- this place is making me paranoid. That, and no one will talk about the weird noises coming from the digital interface department. I think they're using animal subjects, but some of the sounds just don't sound right. Scares me worse than when J looks at me like they can actually see me."

> "I just feel like we're either close to some kind of breakthrough where I can slap my name on the credits of a research paper and finally get my name out there, or that everything is going to go horribly wrong. I just don't think I can trust anyone anymore."

> There's one more entry after this.

01: > open the next entry :tbhBruh:

> 07/10/2012.

> "J didn't wake up when they were supposed to. We ceased the stasis cycle, but something went wrong. They didn't wake up. I'm typing this while hiding in my office. The others don't know yet. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to call. They aren't waking up."

> "They aren't waking up and I'm sc"

> It ends there.

01: > look. at. the bottom right corner. on the computer screen :verynormal:

> You look at the bottom right corner, on the computer screen.

> Today's date is 07/12/2012. It is 1:35 AM.

> Two days later from when Connor last wrote an entry about you not waking up.

> [HOW DID YOU GET HERE?]

01: > OKAY. WELL. COULDVE BEEN WORSE.

01: > oh is that a message on the computer. To me? to little old me.

> [IT’S FROM ME.]

01: > oh hi :)

01: > how did i get here like in the facility?

> You have no recollection. The last place you remember being, for sure, is New Mexico.

> But we don’t have time to ask questions. Something is happening.

01: > good heavens

> Alarms blare suddenly.

> “EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN PROTOCOL - STAY WHERE YOU ARE - WAIT FOR FURTHER INSTttttttttt-“

> The power cuts off, plunging you into the dark.

> …

> END PLAYER SESSION.

[lusciakoushiro]

December

With the year coming to a close I knew I wasn't going to get everything I wanted to finish or even try done, but I still had things I could do of course.

Drawing is the easiest as I can do that anywhere. Both of the ones I did this month took from 15-20hrs start to finish. But something was going to get in my way...

At the beginning of the month I was hit by a car on my walk home from work. I managed to walk home and at the insistence of my husband went to the ER to make sure nothing was broken. Thankfully nothing was, but healing is and will take time. That said I couldn't craft because sitting normally at the table hurt my knee a lot. Even sitting at my desk at the office killed me.

Thanks to a coworker who found a step stool I could elevate my leg with a little bit, I was able at least return to drawing some.

After doing the redo of Luscia in the lake (inspired from a screenshot from LUNAR 2 Eternal Blue) I wanted to reimagine it slightly.

And this is what I came up with. Lus had just stepped into the water before turning her gaze to the moon and this is what Dem sees. I am very proud of this one, especially the scales. That took A LOT of patience.

I have been resting my leg since the accident and I finally deemed it well enough to try and sit at the table for some crafts. I will say sitting with my knee bent for two hours isn't ideal as it became very sore and super stiff. So, if I was gonna craft, I was gonna need to take breaks and the squishy I started was the best way to force breaks since I needed to wait for the paint to dry between layers.

If you guessed I was making Keith's wolf, Kosmo, than you wete correct! I have mad respect for those who do these on the regular, this was not easy. But, for my first try ever I think he came out great and super cute!

And as the year got closer to the end I wanted to draw at least one more pic.

I made a glamour inspired by Bayonetta and just had to draw it. Originally I hated it, things just looked weird, but then I doodled a chibi version (no pic to post. I haven't scanned it) and went back to it and I actually really like it now. I might change a couple shadows, but yeah, I love it.

And as of 11:30pm est, I finished my friend's FFXIV figurine I started a year ago with Nerdecrafter's Not Another Crap Kit.

I had the whole idea of making it look like he was in the middle of the lotus from Scortch. The petals are a little skewed, but I made it work with what I had. The method I had watched didn't work as the tape that the wire was attached to completely cured with the resin instead of being able to be peeled off. When it didn't work after three attempts I decided to freehand a mold and that worked more or less, I still cant quite get them to hold the bendy shape, but for my first attempt I think I did okay.

I'm so proud of myself for actually completing my New Year's resolution. It was fun and I learned a lot. Just because I don't finish something right then on the day I started doesn't mean I never will. Sometimes things just won't work and require more research or an alternative to see it through.

Here's to more art in 2023, whether it be a big project or small, stay creative! 🖤❤