#part of me wishes i would just shut up

[physicsfox7]

Okay. Same rules as always apply: you can interact if you want to, or ignore this if you don't. As always, I know I'm a lot to handle.

I've had good mental health for over a week. Things were going great, I felt good, was sleeping, kind of eating (still struggling there, but usually 1+ meal a day, even if the + was an uncrustie), didn't have any intrusive thoughts. Then last night I could feel the spiral coming on, and for the dumbest trigger imaginable. For a totally irrational and juvenile and stupid reason. Which makes it even worse really.

It doesn't help that I may be getting sick, or I may already be sick. Not sure, and not sure where that might be going, but I know its not helping.

I mentioned recently that my friends are everything, my heart and soul. But probably 3 or 4 times a week I think to myself: "Wouldnt it be easier, safer, less hurtful if you just...didn't? Let your friends go, they were probably at least as happy when you weren't around. You can drift away from them, let the distance get wider, and you dont have to hurt anymore."

I dont mean friends like we talk once every few weeks or exchange letters or whatever. I mean the friends I can barely go a day without talking to them, the ones that I seek out to say hello to. If I leave, they wont notice for long, and I wont lay awake at night wondering if I said something wrong, if they havent said hi because they're mad at me, if this is all a colossal fuck up and they're screwing with me. Because it has happened. To me. Multiple times.

I guess I didn't realize just how much I let certain people in. Which is stupid, right? Because how can someone be so out of touch they didnt see the 6 foot layer of bullshit come down?

So, what if I didn't? What if I went back to just me and my partner, and my thoughts? How long before I crack in half? How long before I decide I cant handle it, I cant be that alone. I was able to do it once, when I was so much stronger. But I lay awake at night, after the first wave has passed, in a cold sweat. And my mind says you could stop the anxiety if you just get cold again.

I spent 10 years working. I know, I know. Everyone has had a job, has dedicated themselves to it. It was nearly all I had. In my family, you get up and you do your chores, then you go to work. When you get home, you make sure nobody else needs help with their stuff. If you're lucky, after exhausting yourself in manual labor for 12 or 14 hours a day, you can watch tv until your eyelids feel like iron. I cant tell you how many nights I fell asleep on the couch. The last time I went on "vacation", I had to help put a new roof on my parents house. When I was a teen and wed go visit family in NY, there were always chores. Mow the lawn, repaint the fence, redrywall your aunts house, put new decking down. Work was all I knew. Much to my surprise, people didnt do all of this all the time. They had downtime, they had reasonable hours, they had the ability to say no.

Thats another one. Saying no. Seems easy, right? I can type it to myself all day long. If I told my parents no about work, or side work, or any chore that fell into my lap because my sister said she didnt want to, I was punished. In a backwards and manipulative way. Suddenly none of my favorite foods were in the house, my room was never clean enough, I had to do all the dishes from dinner because it just didnt make sense to run the dishwasher.

So when I say I could just flip the switch and become cold again, my whole body goes into panic mode. My heart is racing right now because somewhere, someone is going to read this and know what is going on inside my head.

The only thing more terrifying to me than making an ass out of myself in front of my friends, more terrifying than them getting mad at me; is not having them. I honestly think it might kill me.

I let them in too far, and now what if they leave?

I guess I can't let them go after all. I hope that they don't want to be let go of.

This was only slightly more convoluted than usual. If you're insane enough to read this, I'm sorry to subject you to what is essentially word vomit. I need to get this out, or it will eat me alive. Never really understood what people meant by that until now, that holding certain things in can kill you, can devour you.

I'm afraid of getting hurt, and I'm too afraid to be alone. I just need to not push people away, even though that is my immediate response. Just take a step back for a day or two, its no big deal. Then suddenly four months have gone by, and they're either tired of trying or didn't care enough to in the first place. Hard to say which of those is worse.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place, except everything is lined with razor blades to make it more interesting.

[faaun]

idk how to live so im going to talk to myself out loud until i do

[derpinette]

sometimes i will get bored & go through someone's entire blog since its creation

[puppy-dough]

part of me kind of hates that getting fatter is making me like my body more...

[iindigoeyed]

it's so unfair that i want to do nothing but make art right now and here i am dealing with my disability / illness at the absolute worst it's ever been. like i want to create. i really do. i have so many ideas and so many wips. but my hands are weak, i can't breathe properly, i have 24/7 migraines and i'm too scared of whatever is wrong with me that i can't focus on my art. and it sucks. this was my only outlet, i don't have anything else. I'm running out of ways to cope.

[shopcat]

a clone is not a sci-fi miracle that's inherently evil or amoral just because there's (probably) no human cloning at this moment in history oh my god... we have made clones we've been making clones for years annoying rich people clone their pets all the time. you're just making a test tube baby from the dna of one person only instead of two it's not a moral failing you're not Barely Human you're a normal human being that was cloned. they'd probably even just squirt the cloning gunk into a surrogate bc the hardest part would be growing the baby i assume. if you found out you were secretly a ROBOT you would all run into the sea I know you're just lying for real... if you're a clone you just look like some other person which happens anyway. you just have an identical twin sibling who is older than you. and anyway you can just take hrt and then you won't look like them if it really is that horrible. unless you want to be a robot because it's cool i guess but otherwise you're all so dramatic 😑 i think being a clone would be cooler anyway

[cimicherrychanga]

i wonder if psychic alien vampires enjoy my mental character analysis essays

[cherry-shipping]

buckle up everyone skenp is about to have a daydreaming session like a fucking idiot again

[pizzapizzadickz]

.

[magentagalaxies]

idk why my brain decided folding laundry while listening to rollercoaster by bleachers at 11:26pm was the perfect conditions to finally process the fact that other girls is going to be finished in less than three weeks but im genuinely gonna lay motionless on the floor letting all these feelings wash over me rn????

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know what i hate about being the Forever Single Friend™️/ Stubbornly Single Friend/Can’t Ever Be Fucked To Date Friend while everyone else is in serious long term relationships and/or getting engaged and married….. is that all i seem to get is a “hope you’re going well” and no actual other conversations around “hey how was your day” because everyone is just too caught up with their partners and life etc.

so i never have shit to say at work about “hey what did you do this weekend?” bc i have no one to do shit with. and this is besides the point that nearly all of my friends have moved away to either sydney or another part of nsw or another state. so it’s like where the fuck are my friends and why don’t they check up on me more often than my birthday every year or every few months???

like i don’t even get facetime calls from some of them who facetime each other. not that i really want to be FT’ed often. but still. like. why don’t they even text me and tell me their numbers??? it’s so fucking weird being forever single™️ in your 20s while all your friends are almost obsessed with their partners to the point that they forget that you exist.

like it’s no wonder that so many single people feel so lonely when all their friends are so involved with their significant others… that they then feel like they have to treat dating like a chore and a burden; just to throw themselves at anyone at all, just so they can feel any semblance of being seen and being talked to regularly. but then again, i do love being the forever single etc friend bc it means i’m NOT wasting time being treated like shit by the late 20s dudes that are left on the market; who always want to “take things casually” or whatever the fuck….. so that you’re never a priority and always have to fight not to be treated as some type of plaything for them to use and fuck and then dump when they get bored.

but yeah. my point is that it sucks being that friend when everyone is in relationships bc you’re just completely forgotten about in lieu of everyone’s partners and all the effort they put into them so that you become second or deadset last in being talked to.

[morndas]

need to go to therapy to explore why i feel like i have to take care of everyone all the time in order to be loved, or to make up for the fact that i feel so behind in life

[katamarigender]

WHYYYY does my brain do this I'll get up in the middle of the night to check on our cat because shes making sad sounds and in my head for no reason I'll be like "bro watch out the monster that goes after people who worry about their cats might come and get you." COMPLETELY SERIOUS for just a moment long enough to be mildly concerned when I go back to my room but then I lie down and realize that I was just freaking out for no reason. Again.

[detective-piplup]

okay but like I joke about how much I like fireknight and how it consumes so many of my waking thoughts but it actually does . it does so much to me. a lot of it was built through fanon and clinging onto scraps from the games bc i doubt devsis will ever let them interact again but they are like insane to me.

fire spirit’s weird relationship with affection and love is also part of why I like them so much yes that was the source of the divine visions earlier .

nobody look at the tags of this post.

[chickencowcow]

AAAGHAGAGAJHA I HATE being too much for people

[bereft-reeling]

Vent post