#i did mushrooms yesterday and then i just spent the whole trip talking with my mom

[nonbinarymissdude]

the way my mom is bisexual and nonbinary but won't let herself acknowledge it. everytime i come out shes like "ah yes i used to feel that way and when i get around the right people i still do but you grow out of it" like literally today i was talking about me being genderfluid and she was "yeah when i get around certain people i will feel male" and im like the genda is fluid

[mcsmmafia]

MC:SM Mafia - Round VI 🧠

THE 6TH ROUND OF MAFIA

On a chilling, but not yet snowy december day, a bus drived through the thickness of the swamp to transport eight patients to a asylum to which they have been relocated.

It was a confusing swamp… trees and vines everywhere, no proper roads… but the occupants felt confident that this was no problem for the driver. He was experienced… probably. I mean, he was responsible for the safe arrival of mentally ill patients, of course they wouldn't assign an intern with such an important task, right?

Anyway, the trip lasted the whole night, but just as the sun was rising, you finally arrived at the new asylum! … Which turned out to be a surprisingly old and bedraggled looking mansion? Geesh, talking about healthcare inequality.

Anyway, even though it was not snowing, the trees had frost on their leafs and the wind blew really cold, so you made your way inside without thinking about it too much. And thank goodness, it was actually warm inside! Ah, and there stood the receptionist, a girl with long red hair and a grey, comfortable looking beanie. You went on to line up - but suddenly, the girl turned around and activated a lever on the wall behind her. Huh? What was that all abou-

AND THEN IT WAS DARK AND YOU COULDN'T SEE AND OH MY GOSH I THINK I'M SEEING PUMPKIN FACES AND THERE WERE VOICES TOO, WE'RE ALL HEARING VOICES-

Oh, wait, that might actually be just your own voice… ahh, wait, you got a pumpkin stuck on your head! Well, how did that happen?? You sure didn't know!

… wait WHY ARE WE ALL WEARING PUMPKINS, WHAT IS GOING ON, WE CAN'T GET RID OF THEM, AHHHHH!!!!!

Meanwhile, it seemed like the red haired girl was trying desperately to announce something, but nobody would listen to her. She gave us a very annoyed glance and, in the next second, she put herself in a pumpkin too. And it didn't took a second for everyone to forget where the stranger was.

Dear patients, it is time.

To freak out.

AND-

GET REALITY AND HALLUCINATIONS MIXED UP AND BE EXTRA PARANOID AND PANIC!!!! A LOT!!!!

Oh, and also maybe you should watch out for stranger-danger.

☀ Results of Day 1:

After the patients were done freaking out, they played a nice little introducing game of saying hello to each other, but became bored quickly afterwards, so they split up to explore their new home on their own - I mean, they don't remember which one of them was the receptionist, so there was no other option really.

(Just for fun, I thought about why the MC:SM characters were in psychatric treatment in the first place for a bit: Stella has overwhelming seperation fear, Warden is not really mentally ill but a stalker, Nell has chronic fatigue syndrome, Harper has schizophrenia, Radar is not a patient but the bus driver XD, Ellegaard has bipolar affective disorder, Cassie is still a murderer, and Lukas has depression. (Sorry, Lukas, I couldn't think of any other interesting disorders 😂)

🌑 Results of Night 1:

Lluna wanted to stay in the entrance hall to monitor the front door. When Ellegaard and Lukas joined, Lluna noticed only an iron weapon in the room, so Stella knew she could trust her roommates and told them that she has the Flint & Steel. When she learned that Ellegaard has the iron sword, she asked for protection and stayed in the entrance hall to groom Lluna all night.

Warden ran after Winslow to pet him, and ended up in the attic, where he finally could give that good lil' boy Winslow a pet and happily fall asleep soon after professionally dabbing to his roommates.

Nell didn't have the energy to explore more than the surroundings of the living room, but when she spotted Radar entering, she decided the attic was probably a better place and used all her remaining energy to climb up there and hit the hay.

Harper desperately tried to outrun the creepy pumpkin faces she saw in all windows, and ended up in the attic, where there were no windows. Finally feeling safe, she was able to sink into a deep slumber.

After quickly peeking into every room to make sure nobody else was living in this mansion, Radar went back to the living room to sit down on the comfortable couch and spent the whole night trying to figure this blasted roadmap out…

Ellegaard did her best to protect Stella from stranger-danger.

CASSIE grinned when everybody decided to split up, so she wanted to make the best out of it and followed Warden and ordered Winslow to follow PAMA - but they all ended up in the attic together. Well, crud. With the night wasted, CASSIE decided to just grab her kitty and go to sleep.

Lukas didn't say anything to Stella's revelation, but didn't flee either; he just sat in a corner, silent all night.

☀ Results of Day 2:

The patients argued all day about who should cook breakfast. Before they knew, the sun was already setting, so everyone just grabbed whatever they saw first in the kitchen and scattered to find a good place to sleep. Very productively spent day.

Lukas has been suspended from the round due to inactivity.

🌒 Results of Night 2:

After Lluna reassured herself last night that the front door was indeed very safe and effective against the night monsters outside, she pushed Stella to go to an extra safe place to catch up on some sleep tonight, so she followed her to the attic. She was surprised to only see Radar there, but took the chance to ask for his identity. However, he did not respond… Stella eventually gave up asking and snuggled up to Lluna to visit the land of dreams.

Warden went to grab a snack like the others, but was disappointed by the insufficient selection… a few potatoes, some mushrooms… blergh! Where's the good stuff?? THEY DEMAND THEIR BREAKFAST CAKE! EVEN IF IT MEANS SEARCHING ALL NIGHT FOR IT!! 🍰 …However, they eventually got bored and fled to the gallery in hopes for more danger. (Little did they know that danger was coming right their way, had they only stayed!)

Oh great, Nell was already always tired, and now she's also gonna be hungry because nobody volunteered to cook the stupid breakfast! So, to conserve brain energy, she just went back to where she was last night and enjoyed her sleep in sweet solitude.

Harper couldn't shake the feeling of being closely watched by someone or something… she tried her best to hide her worries, but when night came, she skedaddled to the most isolated room she could find! …And, of course, that ended up being the gallery, because nobody cares for art, sigh. …But the feeling of being stalked remained - but now at last she realized where it was coming from: This weird calico cat in the corner over there with it's evil green eyes was watching her! What a creeper! 😼 She placed PAMA directly in front of Winslow to try and cover his glance, but this darned cat just walked around it. Welp, there was no way she would sleep with him around!

Oh gosh, everything is chaos… it's Radar's fault the patients are not safe in an asylum, and don't have regular meals, and now they can't stop arguing!! This is the absolute worst… and he was still really exhausted… maybe he should just go to sleep for a night. Perhaps, in the morning, things are gonna be better. So he chose a safe place to sleep, which of course only really can be the attic, and rested for a bit, after doing their best to ignore Stella's questions.

Oh my, Ellegaard was in full flow today! Was it the lack of sleep, or is she on her way to go hyper? Wherever this energy is coming from, it sure made her heat up the argument about breakfast today. Well, at least she snatched the only mushroom stew she found premade in the kitchen. Success! After being so harsh to everyone, however, she realized that she probably should try to calm down somewhere alone, so she went to the bed chamber. A big, nice pillow helps for meditation, you know? In fact, the pillows were so comfortable, ellegaard fell asleep almost immeditaly. That's how meditation works, right? 💤

CASSIE really had to contain herself to not burst out in laughter under her pumpkin mask when hearing the argument today. They're all distracting themselves, and CASSIE didn't even really have to do anything! Anyway, while the discussion was nicely heated, she had things to do. She needed to make sure that the next night would not be wasted! So she kept an eye on Warden to see where he would go this time. …And, as it turns out, he didn't go anywhere. He just stayed right here in the kitchen, searching for better food, CASSIE figured. So she ordered Winslow to patrol the hallway between gallery and bed-chamber and snuck up on Warden to cat-nap him… and was surprised when her hands could only grasp air! With the night wasted - again - she could only sleep her frustration away.

☀ Results of Day 3:

A new day dawned, and before anyone had the chance to address any hard feelings left over from yesterday, Harper spoke up to tell the patients that Winslow was following her everywhere she went. She also mentioned who else was in the room with her the past nights, skipping PAMA.

Stella then stated that she wanted to be locked up, and asked Harper to vote for herself too. Warden was quick to offer guarding them. Nobody else voted.

Warden also warned the group that he dabbed threateningly, and then tried to catch Winslow to throw him into the closet too, but he was fast to jump onto some high-laying shelf where Warden couldn't get him. 😼

🌓 Results of Night 3:

Stella had a hard time to going apart, but Lluna accomponied her all the way to the closet, and assured her with a bleat that she will reliably return in the morning to pick her up again. And she kept her word, to Stella’s great relief.

Warden regretted it a little to have volunteered as a guard, since he would rather do some detective word, but in the end he did not retreat from his duty and made sure to poke the prisoners the whole night through, even though he didn't really suspect them to be Cassie.

Nell just went to the living room again and slept like normal. She is really not afraid of traps.  

Harper was just glad to be safe from Winslow for one night, at least.

Radar took the chance and went to the entrance hall to see if there were any pets around. He could spot Lluna and PAMA, but also CASSIE - so he waited for a bit to see wheter CASSIE would leave and if one pet would go with her. As it turns out - Lluna and PAMA must belong to someone in the closet!

Ellegaard went back to the bed chamber, but when she saw that Winslow seemed to now be targeting her, she toyed with the idea of trying to figure out if she could activate a trap on Winslow - but of course, that grown kitty would be too smart to fall for his owner's traps. 😼 So Ellegaard dropped that plan and just climbed up to the attic instead.

CASSIE followed Radar - but of course he wouldn't go anywhere. CASSIE sighed in her streak of bad luck and sneaked away to the bed chamber to sleep.

☀ Results of Day 4:

Stella started the day by immediately confronting Warden about the sleeplessness-ordinance which he put her and Harper through, to which Warden apologized, stating that he didn't really suspected them to be Cassie.

Stella then went on to state that she suspects either Nell or CASSIE to be Cassie, since they are the only ones who haven't been checked by her best friend and pillow Lluna. Ellegaard vouched for this claim, only stating that she knew a thing.

Nell was about to vote Stella for the closet, but promptly retreated. Warden then voted to throw Nell out, stating that he is about 65% sure that Nell is Cassie, and 35% that it's CASSIE, which he subsequently voted into the closet.

Nell tried desperately to convince the others of her innocence, but had nobody who could vouch for her.

Stella voted for Nell to get thrown out too, but then retreated, saying that she wanted to lock her up first. CASSIE, Ellegaard and Harper agreed that there was not enough evidence yet. Harper then voted for the same thing.

(Oh my gosh, no offence to the person playing CASSIE, but I could hardly stop laughing about how they kept referring to Cassie and how nervous they were about her - and everybody just talked over that! I was so sure their cover would blow 😂😂😂)

🌔 Results of Night 4:

Stella realized that she has TWO arms, with which she was able to poke both Nell AND CASSIE at the same time! So she did that because IF STELLA COULDN'T SLEEP, THEY CAN'T EITHER! Also, it helped to distract her mind from Lluna and how she's doing.

Warden thought about sneaking to the closet and spawn-killing Nell… but realizing he had no weapon to do this anyway, he just went up to the attic and let the dream be a real dream.

Nell was really mad about being locked into a closet, and sang a song in order to try and annoy the guard so much that she would let her free - but was exhausted quickly and ended up just enduring the acupuncture. Stella really was NOT a great masseur.

Harper was paranoid when going to the gallery, but couldn't find a kitty anywhere - has he actually stopped following her? Harper was still a bit nervous, so she inspected some dusty, pixelated art about seven people with white pumpkins on their head before realizing how boring the pictures really were… but they freaked her out anyway, so she started counting all the pixels until she fell asleep.

Radar could barely follow the discussion that was going on… he was just too tired. He longed for the sun to set, and when it finally did, he concentrated all his strength to climb up to the attic before basically fainting on the floor face down.

Ellegaard was a little freaked out by seeing Winslow with her in the library, of all places. But she went to sleep anyway.

CASSIE very imperceptibly wishpered Winslow to patrol the hallway between dining room and library before she discontentedly followed Stella into the closet and endured being poked all night.

☀ Results of Day 5:

CASSIE started the day by complaining about being poked the whole night, which Stella interrupted saying that she didn't have Lluna with her in the closet, which was a problem. She also stated that Nell was singing "something about tissues", and that that was a crime because they were a Duck.

Note: The person playing Stella has a username referring to ducks.

After that, they realized that they (and it was totally not my fault) had overlooked a list that revealed that Warden and Radar were having a slumber party in the attic last night!

But that was quickly forgotten again when Warden decided to yell out loud that he wanted to throw Nell out. But when a voice from above told them to vote then, they retreated.

Stella went on to vote CASSIE into the closet, instead - but immediately rectified themself to Nell. Freudian slip? Warden voted for the same and asked Radar to guard, but Harper volunteered right after. They agreed to let Radar do it (even though Radar didn't use @Game Master ARRRGH but let's overlook that… this time.)

The patients then talked about cat-crazy people and the fact that PAMA was with them, but nobody claimed to own it, although Stella and CASSIE claimed to know who Harper is.

However, Radar revealed to have written the note last night. And then continued to ask if he could pet Lluna, because passing out is very exhausting. And thus, Lluna was promoted to stress therapy pet!

Warden also tried to vote to lock up the voice in his head. It wasn't very successful - Oh… nevermind. They put Alexa into the closet.

Radar also tried to order McMurder Fries. (Oh god, now he's losing his mind too…)

Nell brought them back on topic by loudly concluding that Cassie must be one of the people who have been locked up in the toilet, and that she's suspecting CASSIE.

Radar and Stella overheard everything but toilet and were so inspired that they wrote a survival guideline on how to survive murder and get rich. 🚽💰

Nell ignored them and voted to throw CASSIE out, to which Stella heavily disagreed.

Most patients were confused by Nell's use of the word "toilet" for the closet, but Warden approved the use of "toilet" for "closet" by saying how cruel society was for not letting him do his business in closets.

Stella brought up how she wanted to feed the zombies the flint & steel, and how a smooch would cure them… she was in her own world, for sure. She wondered if she could eat the zombies, and CASSIE too pondered how'd they taste.

Finally, the voice from above had enough and sent them all to bed. SERIOUSLY. This was long, but I had so much fun - doing this round in an asylum was the best idea ever. 😂

The Last Night 🌕

All Cassie ever wanted was to live a happy life with her 372,026,931 calico cats… but nooo, society had to declare that that was not "normal" and a sign of "mental illness" and that she should be put in an asylum for therapy. It was really their fault, not hers - the other patients constantly got on her nerves, and the staff wasn't much better as they treated everyone the same, no matter if they were sane, like her, or really crazy. So Cassie might have put up a few traps that killed a patient or two and maybe also the whole population of the house. It happens! She could impossibly have stood another second in this madhouse! Why does nobody ever seem to understand…?

Anyway, so she went outside - only to realize that she was stuck in this whole swamp dimension that was just created so that patients could never escape on their own. But the staff had to be able to get out somehow, right? She went back to the asylum, but it seemed like all their drops had disappeared already. Crud, she should've rushed to get them as soon as these people were dead!

She certainly wouldn't ever make that mistake again - but for now, she had no way to return to her home… luckily, however, her most beloved cat Winslow came to help. He risked being stuck in this mad-dimension with her for eternity! He was such a good cat. And he brought friends! 😼 😼😼😼😼😼😼😼😼

Although that really cheered Cassie up, she still didn't want to accept her fate of living here forever. Maybe some day new patients would be admitted, then someone would have to bring them there and get out again afterwards…

And, look at that, they indeed came. Five more patients and one quite young looking bus driver.

Cassie spent days thinking and plotting how she could effectively eliminate them without being noticed… because even though this is an asylum we're talking about, the patients were not yet crazy enough to just let her do her thing. So she tried to cat-nap them, but it didn't quite ever work out.

As the days passed, the patients managed to narrow down who could be responsible for not cooking them breakfast and dinner - and they almost unanimously agreed that it's either Nell or CASSIE. And in night 5, Lluna followed CASSIE to the living room - she knew that was practically her death sentence, since everyone so far seemed to unquestionedly believe Stella everything she said.

So Cassie took her chance, and finally went to the secret passage ways to activate a trap on Stella, Warden and Ellegaard - all or nothing!

And, look at that… when Cassie went to collect their drops, she found the FLINT & STEEL where Stella was. That was… easy.

Well. Cassie wasn't complaining.

Finally. Finally she can get out of this dimension and back to her other 372,026,922 cats who surely are still patiently waiting for her to return home! (And feed them.) 😼😼😼😼😼😼😼😼😼

Oh, and also, she may or may not have lit the mansion on her way out just for celebration. What, now that's making her a pyromaniac? OH SHUT UP, SOCIETY! SHE JUST WANTS TO MAKE SURE THE PATIENTS ARE WARM INSIDE!!! 🔥🔥🔥

Cassie has won the game! 🧠

[feyrhycien]

A Change in the Game - Part 23

Fic Masterlist

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 “Fuck!”

Feyre tripped over a pair of heels that had been half hidden beneath her couch and almost face-planted into her hardwood floor. She barely managed to catch herself with one arm. Rubbing her stinging palm on her leg, she sat down on her couch to calm down.

She was nervous as hell, because her sisters were coming over to her place tonight, and her apartment was⸺in lack of a better word⸺a pigsty.

Since she basically slept over at the guys’ place almost every night of the week now, she rarely spent more time in her own apartment than was necessary to grab a change of clothes or something else she needed. Consequently, her apartment looked like a clothes bomb had exploded all over the place. Laundry was strewn all over the place, letters, magazines and documents stacked high on whatever surface available.

Most nights, Feyre simply came home, dropped whatever laundry she had been carrying around in her giant shopper bag for days, and exchanged it for fresh clothes, given she had done laundry and there was actually clean clothing available. More often than not, there wasn't, so she had gotten into the habit of simply buying new clothes. The pile of discarded shopping bags and tags was currently leading the race for the biggest dump pile, with Feyre's underwear hot on its heels.

She really needed to clean up. And preferably not when her sisters had announced their immediate arrival.

Feyre hadn't been able to reach Nesta by phone this morning. When Nesta had called her back during the day, Feyre hadn't been able to pick up the phone. They kept trying to reach each other back and forth, missing the other every time. At some point, Nesta had simply declared she'd drop by Feyre's place tonight, bringing Elain with her. And now Feyre was frantically trying to make her place at least a bit more presentable by grabbing everything within her reach and dumping it into her bedroom.

Exhaling with a sigh, Feyre tried to relax. Her stomach was in knots and her hands were shaking, that’s how nervous she was about her sisters coming over. The whole day, she had been pondering over how to break to her sister that she had not one, but two boyfriends, who also happened to be a couple.

Whenever she had been going over the conversation in her head, it had sounded utterly ridiculous. It also always ended in Feyre imagining Nesta wordlessly leaving her apartment and Feyre reading about the assassination of successful business owner Rhysand Nash and his boyfriend in the news tomorrow.

Her sister was a stellar lawyer, if someone would get away with double-homicide, it was her.

Resigned, Feyre rose from her couch and resumed cleaning. There was no way, she could prepare for this, so she’d simply wing it, she decided. She was just throwing the last pair of heels into her bedroom and shutting the door, when the doorbell rang. With a last steadying breath and her shoulders straightened, Feyre marched into battle.

~~~

“Hm. Maybe Chinese? What do you think, Nesta?” Elain shuffled through the stack of takeaway menus, deep in thought. Meanwhile, Nesta kept her gaze into where it had been the last 20 minutes: firmly fixed on Feyre, a predator observing its prey. Feyre swallowed.

Ever since her sisters had arrived, Nesta had been silent, waiting for Feyre's explanation. So far, she had been able to avoid the elephant in the room by engaging in some small talk with Elain and raising the question of dinner, but Nesta’s relentless glare told her, her eldest sister was running out of patience.

Sighing, Feyre put down her wine glass and plucked the pamphlets from Elain's fingers. “Let me just order pizza for us. And while we wait, we can maybe start talking?”

“Okay. Mushroom for me!” Elain said, a big fake smile firmly plastered to her lips.

People often thought Elain simple, because she was easy to be around and smiled a lot, but her sister was frighteningly smart. Maybe even more that Nesta and herself, because contrary to them, Elain knew how to hide her feelings behind a bright, happy facade.

“Nesta, what pizza do you want?”

Nesta merely continued staring at her, a little crease appearing between her brows.

“Okay, Diablo for you!” Feyre decided. After all, her sister could sometimes be the devil incarnate.

Feyre excused herself for a second, ordering their dinner from her favorite pizza place and then braced herself for the long overdue sister talk. Running her hands over her face and hair, Feyre took a couple of breaths and returned to the living room, to find her sisters talking softly between them. When they saw her approaching, they fell immediately silent.

“Okay, let's do this,” Feyre began.

Nesta pounced immediately.

“You introduced the guy I saw you with yesterday as Rhysand.”

There was a slight accusatory lilt to her voice. Feyre felt guilty by default. That’s the effect her sister had on her.

“Yes. That's his name. Rhysand Nash,” Feyre confirmed.

“But Cassian told me, he saw you with a redhead named Lucien two weeks ago. Your former colleague. Cassian claims you’re dating.”

“Yes.”

“Yes what?”

Nesta’s steel gaze was getting uncomfortable. Meeting her eyes felt like being pierced. Not for the first time Feyre wondered, if Cassian has a masochistic streak. And then she remembered her eyes were the same color and shape and her boyfriends claimed they got turned by her glaring at them, so she guessed, they were masochists too? Or it was just a guy thing to go for women, whose stares could kill?

“Cassian says, you're dating that Lucien. That same Lucien, you claimed to hate just a few months back. But then I see you with another man and you tell me your dating him. Whom are you dating, Feyre. Or are you two-timing? Do they know each other?”

Feyre took another deep breath. This was it. All or nothing. “Both. I'm dating both. But I'm not two-timing.”

“I'm sorry, I don't understand,” Elain interjected. “If you're dating them both, how are you not two-timing. And who is this Rhysand? Where did you meet?”

Feyre nervously wetted her lips with her tongue, preparing herself for the hell that was about to break loose.

“Rhysand is Lucien's boyfriend. And also my boyfriend. We three are in a polyamorous relationship.”

Feyre's sisters just stared at her mutely, Elain's jaw practically on the floor. Feyre gave them a faint smile.

“Maybe, I should start from the beginning?”

 ~~~

“So Lucien is the guy who left you those jealousy flowers?” Elain asked. Her lovely, round face was radiating excited curiosity.

Feyre was completely caught off-guard by her middle-sister’s reaction. Elain was more eager to learn about the dynamic of a polyamorous relationship and her boyfriends than to be appropriately shocked about the fact that Feyre was in a polyamorous relationship to begin with.

“Yeah. He didn't like me and Rhys going on that date we had.”

Feyre's eyes flitted nervously over to Nesta, but her other sister was alarmingly quiet. Feyre was dreading the moment, she'd erupt. It was bound to happen any second now, she was sure of it. As open-minded Elain seemed to be about the whole affair, Feyre was ready to sell her firstborn over Nesta flipping her shit very soon.

She had told her sisters everything, starting from the months of open flirt-fighting with Lucien, how she met Rhys after finally sleeping with Lucien, their dodgy little mess that came after and that had just only been resolved yesterday.

“And you guys really did it in a conference room at work?” Elain pressed on.

“Elain!” Nests sharply interrupted.

Elain turned to her with a pout. “What? Don't tell me, you and Cassian never got it on on your desk.”

“That's beside the point!” Nesta's voice was sharp as a knife. And then she turned to Feyre. “You told me yesterday, this Rhysand isn't your boyfriend.” Apparently, they were back to accusations.

“I told you, it was a misunderstanding. I thought, I wasn't their girlfriend. Rhys and I fought afterwards because of that. He was really pissed at me.”

From the way the corners of Nesta's mouth twitched and the depth of the crease between her brows, her sister was really pissed too. Feyre’s stomach twisted nervously.

“Look, I didn't mean to keep this from you two,” she intercepted any outburst from Nesta, holding up her hands placatingly. ”I didn't tell you two about this, because I was still figuring things out myself. I didn't know what to call this relationship and whether or not it was serious or just a fling.” Feyre avoided looking at them and shrugged helplessly, wringing her hands in her lap. “I was afraid to run around, telling everyone I was in a relationship and then it turned out, it was just a passing infatuation on their part,” she admitted in a small voice.

“So this is serious then?” Nesta’s voice was eerily calm. Feyre nodded in confirmation.

“Do you love them?” Elain asked not unkindly.

Feyre met her gaze. “Yes. Very much.” Turning to Nesta she added, “And they told me, they love me too. They thought of me as their girlfriend from the beginning.”

Elain scooted closer to Feyre and pulled her into an embrace. “I don’t really understand how you can love two people equally at the same time and be in a relationship with them. I’d be so jealous all the time! But I guess as long as you’re happy, that’s fine.”

Feyre let out a relieved laugh that quickly turned into a sob, and before she knew it, she was bawling. Startled, Elain held her closer. “Feyre? What’s wrong?” she asked timidly.

“S-sorry,” Feyre stuttered through tears, wiping away at them. But more followed. Burrowing her face in her hands, she let them fall. Trying to hold them back was futile anyways. “I’m sorry! I meant to tell you! I j-just… I was so afraid of what you’d say!”

“Shhhh!” Elain made, stroking over her hair. She threw a helpless look at Nesta, who stiffly got up from the armchair she had been holding court in and joined them on the couch, awkwardly patting at Feyre’s back. It only caused Feyre to cry harder.

“We love you!” Elain said helplessly. “We don’t love you any less for who you date! Or how many!”

Feyre sniffled and looked to Nesta for confirmation of Elain’s words, but her eldest sister’s face was guarded and unexpressive as usual. Almost absentmindedly, she reached out and brushed away Feyre’s tears.

“Are they treating you right?” she asked.

“They are spoiling me rotten,” Feyre said, smiling through her tears.

Nesta’s nose crinkled in faint disdain and she produced a little snort. “Why are you crying then?”

Strangely, this calmed Feyre down more than Elain’s reassurances had. “Because I’m afraid you’ll march over to their flat and kill them outright.”

Nesta snorted again, this time slightly amused. “Might still happen!”

Feyre and Elain laughed and Feyre snuggled closer in Elain’s arms. “So, you are okay with me having two boyfriends?”

Nesta raised her chin and threw her a haughty look. “Don’t be ridiculous! Of course I’m not okay with that.”

Feyre sighed and, to her surprise, Elain did too.

“Nesta, give her a break. She’s happy!” she chided softly. Nesta ignored her.

“I’ll be the judge of that! And right now, she’s crying her eyes out, because she’s stressing over her relationship. Feyre doesn’t look very happy to me!”

Resigned, Elain shook her head and Feyre’s stomach lurched dangerously. She was starting to feel nauseous. “Nesta, please don’t⸺”

“I want to meet them!” Nesta demanded. “This weekend! No skiving!”

“I have to ask them first, if they have time,” Feyre hedged.

“Spare me your excuses. If you’re as important to them as you claim you are, they’ll make time.” Nesta’s tone was resolute. There would be no way out of this.

“Okay. I’ll ask them.”

They would make time, if she asked. They always did. But for once, Feyre wished, they didn’t.

“Good.”

Satisfied, Nesta took up her wine glass and reclined on the couch, content for the moment. Looking for moral support, Feyre turned to Elain, who handed Feyre her own glass.

“Now Feyre,” her sister said, with a sweet smile, “One thing I’m really curious about: who’s better in bed?”

Level 3 of the girlfriend game: Objective stays the same. Defeat endboss Nesta!

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2018 Year In Review

Previous Posts: (2017) (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011) 

2018 has not been a banner year for self care. It has not been a banner year for much of anything, to be honest. This year in review will be much less colourful and exciting than they traditionally tend to be. It has been a year of hard work, stress, and feeling the pressure of the less-fun parts of adulthood creeping up on me. It has been really hard, to be totally honest. I have spent the majority of the year in a deep state of exhaustion and distress. There are positives within it all, though. Big positives, such as: 

I went on my longest trip ever away from home. 

I have developed so much in the professional sense and have fallen so deeply in love with social work and my future career path. 

I have made new friends who reflect these changing influences in my life, and the enduring friendships that have survived all of these years continue to strengthen and deepen as time goes on. 

January: 

Tell me - why does January always suck? 2018 began with an opening double shift on New Year’s Day, which I feel is strongly symbolic of the year as a whole because you have an exhausted Megan struggling to responsibly balance my professional responsibilities, self-care, and partying. On January 3rd, Alex and I booked our flights to Asia and in doing so, solidified that we were going through with a plan made drunkenly over the table last summer at a karaoke bar. 

I did get to spend an awesome ski weekend with Alesta, Sydney x 2, and Shelby. It was especially nice because this particular group of people had never spent time all together - we were just united by being a group of girls who love to ski. We hit Lake Louise on Saturday, stayed overnight at a hostel in Banff, and Alesta and I hit Sunshine on Sunday. In Banff, we got a free jug of sangria because we are cute girls. We went to High Rollers and Sydney was drinking IPAs and porters like a pro. I went alone (like... what? Who am I? How drunk was I?) to Dancing Sasquatch after and made friends with some Nova Scotians in line. One of them paid for my cover and bought me not one but two of those infamous Time Machine drinks and extra bonus - Alesta and I got FREE lift passes at Sunshine. 

At the end of the month, my mental health took a sharp nosedive into oblivion and I don’t even really know why. I started experiencing a violent resurgence of something I haven’t felt since the end of the 12th grade, having what I now recognize as panic attacks. The first one came when I was studying on a Sunday at Higher Ground and I had no idea what the fuck was happening, I’d been there for several hours when I suddenly felt the urge to throw up. I packed up all my shit and burst out the door literally gasping for air but ended up being fine. Just shaky and confused. They started happening more frequently after this, with no predictable trigger, and I started to feel the physical manifestations of stress. That was new and it freaked me out. This lent itself to a lot of strange patterns around eating (since I was constantly feeling nauseous, or I thought I was, I didn’t want to have a full stomach. I also thought I had a food intolerance, and because I’m me was 100% convinced I was pregnant because the stress caused me to miss my period). 

February 

Things started to get so bad in February that I had to plead my manager at Famoso for less hours. He was an idiot in general but also did not seem to grasp the severity of what I told him. He would frequently schedule me for these long swing swifts all weekend long, leaving no time or energy for the mountains of homework I had to do. It did not help. 

February was especially busy with school. That’ll be a recurring theme throughout this year. It could honestly be a summary of this entire year - so I’ll spare you the details. But five courses at the University of Calgary is no joke. 

I never needed reading week so badly in my entire life. I was beyond happy to just be able to take a long weekend and not be at Famoso. Shelby arranged for a giant group of her friends to spend the weekend at her friend Sawyer’s massive, absolutely beautiful cabin in Invermere. I got to spend some quality time with two of my favourite people on the planet - Emma and Sydney. From the minute we got into Emma’s car together, to having ciders at the Emerald Lake Lodge on the way, to eating A&W and sharing a bed and “she gon’ fuck the fridge.” Sydney and I spent one afternoon on homework while everyone else went skiing and I was with her when she got the news that she’d won this massive grant and we celebrated by sitting in this magical massage chair and just loving life. We played Drink, Talk, Learn! And I gave a drunken presentation on the history and etiology of pugs. Emma and I went skating on Lake Windermere to cure our hangovers on Sunday. A keg and a bonfire were involved. It was so Canadian, honestly LOL. And so perfect. 

March 

Although I was still struggling with this weird panic-nausea cycle, it lessened through March as more and more assignments were completed. I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to use a cliche. I gave three presentations in a week, I remember that being particularly awful. 

I attempted Mellow March for the second time and once again failed. Mildly concerning. I caved on a Wednesday wing night with the Famoso friends. It was 27 days in. So close, so close. 2019 will be my year! 

I started getting really into podcasts at this time because I started commuting using public transit. I got really into Guys We Fucked (which I still love), and This Is Actually Happening. TIAH is kind of fucked up though, and after a while it started to fuck me up. I would have weird dreams about the content and I started becoming paranoid that there was something wrong/extraordinary about me. So I stopped. I guess that is something I have learned about myself this year, is that even when it’s not overt, I am really deeply effected by some of the things I learn. Typically, people of this nature do not excel in the field of social work so allow me to flag this as a place for improvement in the future.

I ran the 5km at the St. Patrick’s Day road race, which was awesome and I won the draw that everyone was entered in and got a FREE pair of these super nice, hot pink New Balance running shoes that I now cherish with my life. 

I had my first round of practicum interviews, which only ended up being one interview because I was offered the placement at CommunityWise before I could interview anywhere else. This is one of the best things to happen the whole year :) 

And a special moment for me as well was on March 31, I got to see Alvvays live. 

April 

In April, I finished hell semester and immediately jetted off to Thailand.

From the get go, the trip was a bit of a shit show. This was my second time to Asia, and my first experience with really planning a trip including flights, hostels, and transportation from place to place without the aid of a tour guide or travel company. We had a time even getting to Bangkok due to an untimely snow storm the day of our departure that forced our flight to Vancouver to be late and causing us to miss our connecting flight to China. After two hours in line at the Air Canada desk, an agent produced a new itinerary for us. Calgary to Los Angeles to Hong Kong to Bangkok. He printed the sheets out and when I looked at the times on the paper, the mental math wasn’t adding up. With me, the mental math never really adds up but this time it seemed impossible that we could leave so much later than planned for our trip and arrive in Bangkok only three hours later than we were supposed to. I brought this up with him and he assured me it was fine. I wasn’t satisfied though, and asked a bunch of other airport personnel the same question. They all said we were fine but lo and behold, we land in Hong Kong and are waiting for the Thai Airlines desk to open so we can retrieve the tickets for the last leg of the journey when the agent there tells us, “They put you on the flight that left yesterday.” Anger and distress ensues. I call Air Canada from the airport in Hong Kong and the call drops. I’m straight up crying on the floor at this point. But in the end – we fucking made it.

In Bangkok, I was welcomed back to the stifling heat and humidity of Asia. We met American doctors-to-be who were at the end of their trip and were totally sick of one another and were very happy to have company. We ate massaman curry for every meal, partied on Khao San Road (those nitrous balloons!!! God, they’re so fun!!), and spent a lot of money on a single cocktail just for a photo op at the top of a skyscraper but the sunset was perfect and it was totally worth it.

In Chiang Mai we drank Sangsom and Coca-Cola by the pool and ate street food out of Styrofoam containers. We met these Americans who were teaching English in Chiang Mai and they took us to a night club on the back of their motorbikes. I did a drug I said I’ve never do in one of the bathrooms at this night club and ended up going home with one of the aforementioned teachers. It was funny to me because at about 3:00pm, Alex and I went back to our hostel to change and get ready for the evening and at that point I said, “I think I’m going to end up hooking up with Cory.” I fucking knew. I KNEW.

In Pai, I had the DIRTIEST hostel experience of my life. I was showering… just fully naked and vulnerable in this nasty ass shower when I saw a bug I did not recognize from my sheltered upbringing crawl out of a hole in the wall. I have never felt more small. It was also 43 degrees and we were staying in a tiny hut with a plug-in fan that only worked half the time and somehow had the effect of making the room hotter? Pai was also the first time we rented motorbikes. It’s honestly so dangerous… like, what the fuck, Thailand. We experienced our first flash rainstorm. We went to a place called Sunset Bar and took mushroom shakes and holy shit I’ve never experienced more potent mushrooms in my entire life. We met our Irish friends who we’d later see in Koh Pha Ngan, and I slept with an Israeli soldier on our second-to-last night and I’m almost 100% certain I took his virginity.

Koh Pha Ngan was alllll thunderstorms. We also decided to splurge a bit on food on this island and gorged ourselves with seafood and lavender Moscow mules at this nice restaurant down the road from our hostel. We partied so hard. We went to the pre-parties for the Full Moon – they have the Waterfall party two nights before, and the Jungle party the night before. I had sex with a total stranger at the Waterfall party up against a rock (when I recounted this story to Steven upon returning home he put on a redneck accent and said, “C’mon baby let me take you down to the fuck rock” and now that’s all I hear when I think about this experience in my head). The Full Moon Party was fun but not AS fun as the pre parties. It wasn’t as wild and the beach is so big but everyone concentrates in one little area. I took some kind of mystery pill (as you can see, I was very safe in Thailand) and had yet another sexual experience with a casual partner. I also witnessed a fight in the taxi back because one girl called another girl a stripper. It was bad.

May 

Continuing on with our Asia trip.

We landed in Krabi and intended fully to chill out a little bit after the wildness of Koh Pha Ngan. The first night was chill, we were staying in the Muslim quarter of the Krabi area so there weren’t a ton of nightclubs to go to and the hostel had some kind of run-in with police and weren’t able to take us out on the pub crawl we signed up for (lame). We had a roommate from Vancouver on the second day who bought a bunch of Xanax from a Thai pharmacy and gave me one. I can never do it again because it was so. good. But of course, I took one pill and stopped drinking just in case. This bitch continued drinking and took six or seven Xanax throughout the night. I honestly don’t know how she lived. We went rock climbing and drank beers on a boat tour one day and it was soooo great. We had the hottest tour guide. I did a hike by my lonesome that I nearly died on.

On the ferry ride from Krabi to Koh Phi Phi is where I got the sunburn that will likely give me skin cancer in later life and kill me. 90 minutes on the outside deck of a ferry (because I felt nauseous as fuck and didn’t want to vom in the cabin) absolutely fucked. me. up. We stayed at another pretty fucking gross hostel in Koh Phi Phi, and my roommates were all male which was a new experience for me. I went on a solo booze cruise cause Alex was sick. We took mushrooms again with our Canadian friend Kelsey and god, I was laughing so hard I was crying and I could not stop. I was like rolling around in the sand laughing so fucking hard about Fisherman’s Friends candy. It was so blissful. So pure.

And then… the sickness. This is going to be TMI but… fuck it. A bit of indigestion and stomach trouble is expected whenever a white person enters Asia. Different microbes etc. etc. But this… this was on a new fucking level. I knew something was up because on the morning that we woke up to take our ferry from Koh Phi Phi to Phuket, I vomited. And I never vomit, and I wasn’t that hungover (especially in relation to much of the rest of the trip). I felt okay afterwards though so we soldiered on. Three hour ferry ride, totally fine. We board our bus that will take us from the ferry port in Phuket to our hotel and about halfway through this bus ride, I feel it. I am wearing overalls. My heart starts beating loudly in my chest, sweat begins to bead on my forehead. Holy fuck, I am going to shit my pants. I clench until we get to the hostel – which is, of course, the last stop. It’s like a solid 45 minutes of pain. My stomach is ROILING. I have never felt anything like it.

I honestly know nothing about Phuket because I spent the entire 72 hours we were there running from my bunk bed to the bathroom. I would go so far as to say every ten minutes. At one point, I just brought my laptop into the washroom with me and watched Netflix for a few hours. A roommate who was with us switched rooms (understandably… I’m sorry, Helen). I didn’t eat for four days, literally not a fucking thing. Just Gatorade and water so that I didn’t die of dehydration. Because we had an airplane to catch and I needed to not be shitting the contents of my body out, I saw a doctor. He prescribed me like five different medications and told me just to take like eight of these pills and to expect stomach pain but it would at least get me through the flight to Seoul and hopefully home.

It worked, and we spent the last few days of our trip in Seoul. What an absolutely fascinating and beautiful part of the world. With Kieun as our guide, we got to see the best parts of Seoul. People took photos with us and gave us free shit. I had the absolute best meal of my life (it was the first thing I’d eaten in like four days… I really risked it all with the Korean barbecue honestly…). All-you-can-eat thick fatty slices of pork belly, grilled in front of us and dipped in sesame oil and salt with garlic and spices. Spicy chicken feet on the side, corn with cheese. It was wild. I cannot believe I stomached it.

And on May 12th, we returned home back to our lives and school and work and all of that boring ass shit. I remained ill for a solid six weeks upon returning home. To a lesser degree, I still have not fully recovered. At this point, I am unsure if I ever will. I truly think that second-round Asia gave me skin cancer and permanently altered my gastrointestinal functioning. Worth it? Unsure. But it happened nonetheless.

June 

My brother graduated from university and won a very prestigious award and it was very nice to watch him cross the stage and hear a nice speech about his accomplishments (he won so many scholarships that he basically had a free ride to school – I think it’s clear who inherited the brains).

I finished up my spring courses. Can I just say - spring courses are the worst? The two I picked were especially bad. The one about human sexuality was basically Sex Ed 101 which made for an easy A but I was hoping to investigate deeper on a number of topics. And the second one was way too hard for my tiny brain to accommodate and I got the lowest mark I’ve ever gotten on my paper and it brought me down.

I had a very random unexpected night where I slept with a really close friend of mine (like, friends for over a decade) who I used to have a little bit of a crush on in high school. We were very drunk and it was kind of a curiosity-satisfying move that has actually not resulted in a very big change to our relationship at all but I think it’s worth mentioning because younger me would have been stoked. This one’s for you, younger me!

We went to the High River Rodeo and Cabaret – another unexpected move but oh my god it was so fun. Matt, Steven, Amanda and I. You could buy as many beers as you wanted at a time and they were cheap because fuck the AGLC apparently. The rodeo was actually super fun. The cabaret was redneck af and I happened to see my roommate from the hostel in Koh Phi Phi and his buddies there? Although it was not a friendly reunion because I had unknowingly exposed him for cheating on his girlfriend when he was in Phi Phi (which he did. I shared a room with him, and the girl he loudly banged every night until 4am). Two-stepping ensued and I passed out in the car ride home. I have a great photo of Steven from this night next to a bottle of hot sauce. I do not recall why. I will include it below. 

July 

Okay, I am just going to preface this by saying July was a hot mess. 

Myself, Madison, Maeghan, and Cayley were all single and messing around on dating apps so we decided to create Tinder bingo. It’s exactly what it sounds like. The rules were that you could only cross off two things per date (so that you had to go on a minimum of three to win), you got bonus points for going on a Tinder date with the same person someone else had gone out with, and the first to win got their drinks paid for on a night out. So, I went on exactly one Tinder date. Which is something I said I’ve never do and never really saw myself doing but I went for it on this occasion because I think that in this day and age, a Tinder date is an experience everyone should have. So I bit the bullet, and went for a drink with this guy James at the Oak Tree Tavern. And oh... my god? What a terrible experience? LAUGHABLY terrible. His only desired topic of conversation were the nationalities of people I had slept with and in what circumstances. At one point he asked me, “when was the last time you had sex? Was it good?” He also talked at maximum volume and I guarantee you everyone else at that bar overheard our conversation. Midway through the date, he asked for a review of how he was doing and I told him he seemed a bit nervous. This angered him. He said, “I’M NOT NERVOUS” and I was like, “you asked, buddy.” He asked me if I would pay for him. Cayley literally had to come rescue me and I ran out of his car where he had unbuttoned his pants and had his dick out and was literally on the verge of tears begging me to touch it so hard. I literally bolted out of his car and he yelled out the window, “CALL ME!” He still hits me up on instagram sometimes. I hope his life gets better. 

I also moved again. This is my favourite living situation I’ve ever had. Great roommates who are almost never home. Cute house. Good location. A+ choice by me. 

I got really obsessed with the Thai cave rescue. It was just such a compelling and unique STORY and I would literally come home from work and refresh the BBC live update feed for hours until I fell asleep, then I’d wake up and refresh hoping for good news. I cannot wait for the movie. I will go opening day. #Obsessions 

Stampede!!! Oh my god, what a wonderful Stampede. The most memorable thing is that Steven and I went to the standing rodeo one afternoon and got absolutely. fucking. hammered. Whilst there, we met and befriended two Australian retirees named Lyn and Ken. They are rich and are obsessed with horseriding and rodeo stuff. They purchased many drinks for us and we convinced them to come to Nashville North with us, where they purchased MORE drinks for us and Steven attempted to show them how to two-step. They later invited me to go horseback riding in Banff and I accepted. They literally picked me up, drove me to Banff, we crushed two bottles of wine at the Park gin distillery, went on a three-hour horseback ride through the mountains, they drove me home and I paid for NONE OF IT. It was........ a day. I sat on my bed later and thought to myself, “that was fucking weird.” But now, if I ever go to Melbourne, I will hit them up. 

It was Ali’s birthday and we went camping in Waiparous. We took mushrooms on Saturday and just as they were beginning to fully kick in, the RCMP rolled in and kicked us out of our campsite. What a wild time to be faced with an interaction with the cops. Also - no one could drive except for two people who had stayed sober and they had to shuttle us to a new campsite. Have you ever tried setting up a tent on mushrooms? Do you know how difficult and hilarious it is? 

And lastly at the end of July, I went to Folk Fest. I saw Alvvays again. Front row! Like, against the barrier front row. It was awesome. It was folk fest that inspired me to cut my hair and get bangs again. No regrets. I love my bangs. I also experienced a level of street harassment that I didn’t know was possible from some random, innocent-seeming guy. It was terrifying. I called the police. No bueno. 

August 

In August, I got promoted at my job and basically became a baby manager. It was better in theory than in practice because my shifts got longer, I made less in tips (but more hourly), and the cash out for a restaurant is a long and frustrating process that depends on a lot of small pieces working together correctly in a big ass spreadsheet and I suck at math.

In happier news – August was also the establishment of podcast club. Podcast club is one of the best and dorkiest things I have ever been involved with. We pick a podcast each week to listen to, and get together on Sunday mornings at 10:00am to discuss the contents of the podcast. It was initially open to whomever wanted to come but has since whittled down to a core group and at this point, we’re all so close that it would almost be weird to introduce a new person into the mix. There is Kendal, who I go to school with and who started the whole club. Her boyfriend, Mitch. Lachlan and Maddy who are siblings. Matt, a YouTuber who was kind of a wildcard. Chad, also kind of a wildcard but who works as a youth counsellor – and me! Podcast club has made my life infinitely better and is probably the best thing to come out of 2018, in all honesty.

I also got obsessed with Harry Potter and read like almost the whole series and my new at the time roommates thought I was such a loser because I would literally post up on the couch in the living room with a HP book and they would come back five hours later and I hadn’t moved and all I wanted to talk about was Harry Potter. 

September / October / November 

I am lumping these three months together in this review because truly, they are lumped together in my mind and heart. 

On September 11, I started my first practicum at CommunityWise. I really had no idea what to expect when I started there but looking back, I cannot believe how hard I lucked out. The U of C is VERY clinically-based when it comes to how it educates and describes the practice of social work. CW was the opposite of it all and day-to-day so much happens there that it is honestly impossible not to get dragged in at such a deep level that it literally forces you to care. When I was in practicum, I did a lot of reading and I came across this concept of a “disorienting dilemma” which is “an experience within which a current understanding is found to be insufficient or incorrect and the learner struggles with the resulting conflict of views. Such experiences often are those to which learners point as the beginning of the process of questioning their understanding and views and entering the transformative learning process” (Source). Truly, being in that space over the course of 300 hours created this for me. I was forced to confront a lot of racist and otherwise problematic shit that I have been brought up with and that comes up in small ways for me that I try and quash down for the sake of saving face. Poverty, addiction, mental health issues showed up LITERALLY on the doorstep and I was thrown into it all. The experience was a disorienting dilemma and it shook me out of my bubble and I have never fallen so deeply in love with social work. My supervisor and I formed a VERY close relationship that probably broke some ethical and professional boundaries and she was there for me to discuss social issues and experiences I was having in an honest way that really deconstructed things. I had my debit card stolen by a client on one occasion, had to call the DOAP team because I witnessed people in overdose more times than I can count, had to talk many a person down from suicide, befriended a very mentally ill person who suffers from delusions that they are an alien in a human body sent here to observe earth and report back to their master. We had to kick someone out of a workshop for being racist. It was a wild ride, honestly. There were many many positive things to come out of practicum. I built my professional network in ways I never would have been able to, I was able to move out of the “student” realm and step into the role of a social worker and advocate and professional. I did a lot of public speaking! I was out in the community talking to a million different people. I made videos and posters. And the best part of all is that even when my practicum ended, my connection to CW did not. They have hired me on as a digital storytelling intern (paid!) for the new year. Which is a major confidence boost and I just love CW and everyone there so much. I will literally be forever grateful to them for taking me under their collective wing and showing me I have the skills and abilities to be an effective social worker :) 

Ahem. Now on to some not-so-good things... 

The end of October was kind of difficult because I was attempting to manage practicum responsibilities, actual class projects and homework, second-round practicum interviews, and Famoso. I was very stressed out and it was not good, especially because I got a rejection from one interview and didn’t even get an interview at my top choice. I was feeling very sorry for myself and may or may not have cried at my desk at practicum. It all worked out in the end though, and actually I was offered a placement at the first place I interviewed – they just took a while to get back to me. She called me to let me know this while I was on a run and being idiot me, I picked up… panting and gasping for air in Nose Hill Park. She was like, “We’d like to offer you the place… wait, are you okay?”

I would also like to just slide it in here that I slept with my ex in October. Which wasn’t a particularly momentous occasion and was actually kind of funny because it felt so much like a one night stand. I am mostly putting this in here because I don’t think many people know that and I want to see who reads this far.

Along similarish lines – I PUT MYSELF OUT THERE AND ASKED SOMEONE ON A STRAIGHT UP DATE AND GOT REJECTED AND IT WAS HONESTLY SO EMBARASSING AND BRUTAL and it’s okay now but oh… my god. This also happened around the same time as the rejections from practicum placements and I had such a bad night where I got drunk on my couch alone and Cayley brought me burnt ends from her new job at a brewery because she was #concerned for me and I didn’t want to be alone. That’s a true friend right there.

December 

December is only halfway done - but I feel I can summarize it accurately. It has been a nice, tidy wrap up to the year. A month of podcasts, cleaning my house and my car and my life up, a mysterious knee injury that is really fucking me up, working a lot at Famoso, finishing my practicum and school semester. One thing I am dreading is that my brother’s girlfriend who our family is not particularly fond of will be joining us in Saskatoon this year. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

In General 

2018 has been very stressful for me. But despite the stress, and sometimes out of it, have come some very nice, beautiful things. I said last year in my post that I wanted to become more deeply involved in my community and in activism and social work and in that way I think I have excelled. I’m in it now, you guys. I feel capable. I feel motivated. I feel CONFIDENT. And I’m fucking excited to see what comes in the future. 

I nearly doubled the amount of people I’ve slept with so that’s... a notable thing that happened this year. 

It has been nice to feel a return to a sense of belonging with my old high school group of friends. In a way, I feel more united with them than ever. I guess not having a partner that they all hate helps. But also, I think I’ve just been feeling more and more like myself. But to Connor, Steven, Matt, Adam and the assortment of new(er) members that come and go - I am very grateful for you all. It has also been good for my heart and soul to become so close with people from podcast club. It’s actually like... really hard to make new friends. Podcast club made it easy. And I found myself on a Friday night in Maddy and Ben’s apartment, watching cooking shows and teaching them how to play card games, laughing until I cried and drinking wine. And it’s like... who else gets together on EVERY Sunday morning to discuss podcasts? For fun? I know relationships change and dissolve and grow from each year to the next but I just have a deep feeling that some of these friendships are the real deal. And I’m really lucky. It sounds so ~fake deep~ and lame but honestly podcast club is making me a better, happier, less anxious person. 

2019: 

I think 2019 is going to have to be the year that I really, truly grow the fuck up. I’m not mad about this. I look forward to crushing through 400 more hours of practicum, graduating and getting my degree. Hopefully entering the work force for real (this prospect is honestly so exciting to me... I creep the job boards every day daydreaming about what I might eventually do when I leave the world of waitressing) and making some adult money. 

I also like... totally got fat in 2018 so 2019 will involve some activities to counterbalance this. AND I have a ticket to Big Valley Jamboree. Which is hilarious because I think if you asked 2015 Megan what she’d never do, it would be “go to BVJ” but here I am, ticket in hand, excitement mounting by the day. Boots on, bitches. 

Some of my goals or things I’d like to work on in 2019 are to become less attached to social media and more invested in the actual moment/doing of things rather than recording them (ironic as I type this MASSIVE year in review post, yes), to get into a healthy and sustainable pattern of exercise where I don’t just like become obsessed with it for a little while and then slowly taper off and then do none of it for like six months... and honestly? I want to download a bunch of those dating apps again and just go for it. I think you can learn so much about yourself through dating and I’ve been such a recluse this year for the most part because I have been sort-of-but-not seeing someone since literally JULY but we’re not actually together and I don’t know what’s going on. I just need to get over my own insecurities and anxiety and just jump in with both feet. It’ll be fun. It’ll be crazy. I’m excited. 

The rest of it, as always, is an open book. Who knows where I will be, what I will be doing, or who I will be doing it with by this time next year? Not I. 

[tommyoboe]

PARIS - PART ONE.

I have spent the last five minutes just reading the title over and over again.

Yes, I am in the French capital for five months of absolute chaos; beautiful adventures and hopefully to get better at the oboe. I don't even know where to start, but I suppose the beginning is as good a place as any.

The Eurostar is coming to a stop at the Gare du Nord on a Saturday evening; I am coming to terms with my new surroundings after spending the majority of the journey gazing at the open French countryside. I step off with my monstrously heavy suitcase awaiting a taxi driver to meet me, arranged by the lady I am staying with. I am waiting for over twenty minutes and then receive a call from the driver, in mostly French, with lots of information I do not understand.

After lots of shouting down the phone to me and some workings out on my end, I finally go outside to meet the driver, after being told they would be in the station holding up a banner with my name.

On arrival I am told I am to pay twenty euros, after being promised the ride would be free. That was a dent in my first memories of Paris.

This all sounds very spoilt and petty, I know, but the principal of trust is an important one to me. To be told one thing and then something completely different happens when you arrive, it's a bit of a slap in the face.

So day 1 was complete, face slapped, and as day 2 commenced I decided what better way to start the proceedings with a croissant and an espresso in the September sun? Unfortunately things were downhill from there.

I asked the lady I am staying with for supermarket recommendations, and after giving a couple I took the name of one and made my way into the bustling streets of Paris. I was instantly overwhelmed with the selection in this strange department store type place that was a supermarket but was also selling handbags? 74 euros later I decided this was not the place for me, annoyed that somewhere cheaper was not recommended.

The afternoon came and I was figuring out the kitchen. The plug sockets were tightly tucked away beside the fridge in a corner, where only a mouse could reach them. There I was, contorting my body into various shapes, trying to feed the plug of a kettle down the back of the kitchen counter to find one of these sockets, with obviously no luck. I gave up, realising after all that effort there was a plug socket at the other end of the counter. Coming back to the fridge a few hours later, the light was off. I had disconnected the fridge, and the worst part was that my 4 euro mushrooms had gone completely off.

I mean, maybe they were already off, but still, this was not a happy moment. I was being shouted at by the host and at this point I just wanted to bang my head against the wall.

It was a welcome relief to be out of the flat on the first Monday, at my new Conservatoire for the semester with other exchange students. All were welcoming and interesting to talk to, but hindering thoughts of the bad experiences so far and my honest desire to go home immediately clouded the whole day. I took much comfort in being able to curl up and watch my Monday night quiz shows that evening.

However, this came after an absolutely bizarre conversation where I found out boxes could not be delivered here; instead, everything had to fit into a tiny postbox with a key only my host has, not even the postman.

Like, WHAT?! WHY WOULD MY HOST NOT TELL ME THIS? CRAZY F****** S***.

Apparently, boxes cannot be sent here in France because of terrorism.

WHAT KIND OF HORSE S*** IS THAT?!

Sorry. That was what I wanted to say when I found out the news. I was visibly stressed but reassuring myself in my actual response, saying I will find a way to sort it.

I have sorted it. I found out from a friend who lives just outside of Paris that in fact, we are not living in Eritrea and boxes can be sent from overseas, so they have kindly let me send the box there for me to pick up.

I was so done that night.

And who would have thought a documentary on Osama Bin Laden the following night was the most comforting part of my day?

Things were not especially smooth in terms of enrolling at the Conservatoire. Rather, it was like a jigsaw with all the pieces dispersed across the whole building. I had to enrol separately with a separate person for each subject I wanted to take. Some of those people would not always be available when I needed them to be - one individual I had to go to three times before finding success.

Then there was my trip to the pharmacy where I spoke terrible French and had to have a customer translate my need to sign up to a doctor to the lady at the counter. I then headed to the doctor to see if I could register there in person. With no reception I knocked on the doctor's door to no response. After ringing the phone number on the door I reached a receptionist, with which in half English and half French I booked an appointment. Since then my prescriptions have been sorted. I am still waiting to hear back from my insurance company but the hardest part is certainly over.

My first clean out was a delightful one, throwing away some gone off jam and marmalade left by my host. Long story short, she has left and I am now with someone else. It is a dodgy situation that I did not know the full extent of before signing up to this, because apparently I was supposed to presume and it would have been rude to ask.

Er, sorry?

I promise not all has been bad. I enjoyed some wonderful sushi and chat with the other exchange students during the first week, bonding with others over dodgy neighbourhoods, Brexit and our desires to get on with the performing!

That Friday a couple of other students and I ventured to the Pompidou Centre for Contemporary Art to gaze upon some masterpieces from the last one hundred years. The collection was enormous, so we only completed half of it, but there were some real highlights, including works by Kandinsky, Miró and Picasso amongst many others.

Mackerel, croissant shaped biscuits and shit cider made up that evening for one. It was almost as sad as me watching the Last Night of the Proms alone from my apartment, with Land of Hope and Glory and Jerusalem blurring from my speaker. Anyone who knows me well knows I hate overt patriotism, especially in the forms of those pieces of music, but on this occasion the situation made me chuckle.

The last week, although still challenging, has been a smoother ride, with routine being established and lots achieved. I chatted to various musicians about coming together for projects, including with a contemporary tutor; a guitar student where we even tried out some music together, and a pianist who was not fluent in English. That was another interesting conversation, which somehow still led to positive results, with us booking in a rehearsal for this coming week and finding lots of repertoire!

Other highlights have been meeting the other oboists at the college over some drinks and crêpes in a cute café; going to the Arc de Triomphe and Eiffel Tower with some friends yesterday via the Seine and today gorging on the most amazing religieuse from an actual French patisserie. Iconic.

So yeah, I'm surviving. I'm here. I'm doing it. So much hilarity has ensued already, who knows what's yet to come?

Paris, I am in you.

[leggigoesabroad]

do you remember when we got lost in the city?

Lyric from Steve Moakler’s “Cleveland” that’s been stuck in my head this entire trip on repeat.  I had full intentions of wandering around Prague and getting lost, but I’ve made a friend so it didn’t work out that way and I’m still thrilled!! I’ve been hanging out with Lizzy, the friend I mentioned in the last post who lives here in Prague and will be ER’s new local host for our Prague apartment this summer.  She’s one of my friend Mckenzie’s best friends from Denver and is here for school with her husband.  We went out to our last group dinner last night (MORE ON THAT COMING) and then she and I went to a wine bar afterwards and met up with her husband, who I also fully love, and then hung at their apartment a little bit.  Their penthouse place in Prague looks directly over ER’s apartment!  Small fuckin’ world.  Right now it’s 11:30 am on Wednesday, May 1st, and Lizzy and I are at a cafe across the river doing “work” (she actually is, I’m writing this blog and researching my trip to Paris.)  It is incomparably amazing to have an American friend here who knows the city but is also from Denver and gets everything about that life too.  Basically I adore her.

So!  Yesterday my two colleagues and I went on another private guided city tour, of course this time in Prague.  Our young male guide was nowhere near as enchanting as Ilse and I found myself pining for her and her quick wit and humor and princess-like red hair.  This guy wasn’t great at reading the room and said a lot of facts that were too detailed and I zoned out during.  HOWEVER, I did still learn a lot of cool facts about Prague! For example, 80% of the country are athiests!!  Back in the day, all sorts of folks and crusaders tried to bring Catholicism here and they protested, saying church and state should forever be separate and that religion should be a private relationship, etc., and one of their kings/emperors whatever was burned at the stake dying for the right to be religiously free.  (Facts are shoddy but you’re getting the gist.)  Then the religious folk thought the problem was squashed, but actually his public death just ignited their flame even more (no pun intended) and they all said FUCK THIS! and became athiests!  There’s this gorgeous memorial that says “ZAPRAVDU” that is built such that you can only see it on sunny days for a few hours a day (which I got to see) and it means “For the Truth” and it’s built to remember this martyr.  Pretty baller shit.   Idk what I’m willing to be burned alive for... maybe Taylor’s honor? JK but really?  Or one of my nieces?! 

We also lucked out having another dope-ass gorgeous weather day, which really adds to the whole vibe.  I was very sleepy when we got home and Gina decided to bail on dinner because she’s pregnant, fair, and I was dreading it.  It was just going to be me, Lizzy, Marlena (colleague I’ve been with the whole time who let’s just say... I’ve had enough meals with), and Yiri, our other local host who is Czech.  I was so tired and couldn’t fathom making conversation over pretending to like fancy food and being embarrassed.  Side note, Yiri is cool as shit - he’s quiet and Czech, but married to a Chinese woman who he met in Prague when she was working here as a Chinese/Czech translator.  They have three GORGEOUS boys (obviously) and are incredibly into hockey, so we obviously bonded.  I showed him my phone background of Ovi hoisting the Cup and he says, “Do you know Jakub Vrana?”  Um, DUH!  Jake the Snake!  I get overly excited and he tells me Vrana is from Prague (should have realized) and brought the Cup here this summer and paraded through the streets.  His son also plays on the same junior team Vrana played on in Prague and Jakey is basically a celebrity here.  Hockey: the universal language.

So we get to dinner, and turns out it’s a Michelin star restaurant.  Double fuck.  I read the menu and it all looks literally repulsive.  I try to be classy and just order the least gross-looking things... here are the words of my appetizer and entre: “raviola with beef cheek and saurkraut sauce,” and “veal fillet with green peas, seasonal mushrooms, and Perigourdine sauce.”  I was like “.............”  It was either this or rabbit?!  JFC. 

I vowed to myself I’d try not to be embarrassing and I’d taste everything. Luckily these dumb fancy restaurants give small portions so I knew it wasn’t much to get through if it sucked.  They start with an amuse bouche that’s some cold-ass pink beet soup.  Pass.  Then they brought lots and lots of bread and I had All Of It.  Safe way to guarantee being full if everything sucked.  Then I actually really enjoyed both the starter and the entre!!!!!! I was extremely, EXTREMELY proud of myself.  It was also paired with a very light Sauvignon Blanc and I can honestly say it was the first time I’ve ever seen the point in a “pairing.”  Yes, it’s a happy coincidence that I chose the appetizer that paired with my favorite wine, but it also actually tasted really nice with it!! God, who am I.  Then we ordered dessert and I got a gorgeous selection of sorbets that I’ll post a picture of after this.  And it was entirely paid for by Marlena’s company, and free food does taste better.  Afterwards, Lizzy asked if I was up for wine by the river with her husband, and we stopped at this awesome wine bar and sat in window seats with cushions and a palette for a coffee table and had three glasses each.  Everything is so cheap here - I secretly paid the waitress at the end and they were so floored by the generosity.  But I haven’t spent a dime since I’ve been here since Gina is expensing everything, and I am so grateful to have American friends I’d pay any dollar amount for their kindness!

Went back to their apartment after and played with their dogs and smoked a little from their vape pen - ahh, feels like home.  Which, by the way, update: no more insane sleepless detox nights since that other one I talked about in my last post!  Could be because I had a Unisom, half a Xanax, and a sleep gummy before bed... but hey, whatever works.  I doubt I’ll have any more #weed while I’m on this Europe trip and I think I’m all out at home, so I might ride this train and see how long I can take it.  Look into that “clear head” feeling all the people talk about.

I booked an Airbnb right near Lizzy, and I’m storing my bag at her house for the day until I check in later.  We’re going to keep walking along the river and then see the Prague Castle in the afternoon, and then get some dinner and meet up with her husband again.  I’m researching options for tomorrow.  Originally I was going to head straight to Paris, but I realized I don’t really need five nights in Paris when I’ve already been.  I might take a train to Nuremberg for the night because it’s along the route, and then stay in an Airbnb and take another train to Paris on Friday morning and spend the weekend there with Angie.  All TBD but it’s kind of fun.  “Penniless, she’s flying by the seat of her pants...” 

Pictures to come!  Prague is dope.  (Hot travel takes from Leggi.) 

[wanderlustwonderlots]

Day 7 – Caves and Countryside

I’m writing this as I’m in the car on the way to Austria, to upload later, which tells how busy we are. I’m still committed to writing about everything though!  This is going to be a long post because we did multiple fun things!  Some photos are included in the post below, because there are lots!

Caves

Yesterday, we had our day off.  We still got up bright and early though!  We left the house at 7:30 to drive to the Postojna caves! Back before we came to Slovenia, during some meetings in Toronto, we talked about what kind of things we could do on a day off.  All of us voted for the caves, over the Mediterranean Sea or Bled.  Both of these would also have been great but I’ve never seen anything like the caves before and after looking up pictures I was determined to go. It was so incredible!

After arriving at the caves, we got a quick coffee and snacks before the tour started.  There has been no lack of coffee on this trip which I’m very thankful for.  Then we got on a little train that took 10 minutes to get to the start of the cave tour. We went through lots of cavernous areas, but also a few smaller tunnels that made me feel like I needed to duck. I couldn’t think too hard about how much rock and earth was above us because it sort of freaked me out.  I used to be pretty claustrophobic so even though it was spacious, feelings of that came back simply because we were underneath the earth.  If I just ignored that though it was okay!  The train was fun too!

I wish the caves had been set up in a way that we could just wander through it at our own pace, because the tour guide seemed impatient and wanting to get through it.  It was about an hour and a half in total, but I could have happily spent longer there. It was all so fascinating!  The tallest stalagmite in the cave system we were in is 60 metres tall and 500,000 years old.  I can barely even comprehend that kind of age!  But they only grow about 1cm every 10 years so it does make sense.  The entire system was just stalagmites and stalactites in reds, whites, and gray-browns.  I really felt like I was in Gringotts, or Middle Earth, or in the Underdark of Faerûn. I was transported into books I’d read as a kid!  Water was dripping on us from the stalactites, it was chilly enough to warrant a sweater (about 8 degrees Celsius), and it was dimly lit at points to highlight the structures.  I was especially fascinated by the tunnels I could see leading up and down, as well as pools of water every now and then.  

At one point we had to cross a bridge and I almost wish it had more space underneath it!  It would have been cool to be over top of a drop into a deep part of the cave. It was only a small drop though, and we actually passed under the bridge later as the path twisted around to get us back to the train eventually.  The path winded around a fair amount, and there were inclines and declines throughout it, with railings along the way because the ground was damp.  The whole place was damp, and I quite liked it compared to the heat of the outdoors!  Peter kept worrying I would be cold in shorts and just a light sweater but I was fine, I enjoyed being a little chilly.  I wish we had seen bats!  It was too noisy with the group walking through though, and maybe even too light. We did get to learn about the Proteus anguinus, or olm, and see some in an aquarium.  They’re salamanders that can survive for like 80 years, sometimes without eating for 7 years at a time, and they’re blind and nearly translucent.  They looked almost like a mix between a newt and an axolotl. They were pretty cute!    

The whole walk through the caves was so beautiful. At the end of it, before the train back, there was a huge cavern they called the concert hall, because they actually used to hold classical music concerts in it!  It’s 40 metres tall and an echo lasts 6 seconds.  There were lots of kids yelling random things to test the echo, but I wish it was quieter so I could sing something to hear the acoustics.  It was a fun end to the tour.  One of the best parts was right at the very very end after the train had taken us back!  It was not where we entered from but was just a little bit to the side of that. There was a river in the cave!!! It was so exciting!  It was hot and a little steamy because the exit with the warm air was just outside.  The river was so cool! I had been wanting to see one for the whole time we were in the caves! Peter told me it was lower than he had ever seen it, but I knew nothing else of course so still liked it.

It really was an amazing experience and I’m so glad we were able to go on our day off.  Peter was a bit cheesed about having to get up early even on a Sunday but we were all adamant about doing it.  We had plans in the afternoon too that made it a busy day.

Countryside

After the caves, we drove to meet up with Erika, Peter’s former professor and current colleague/friend.  We had met her at the conference on the first day here, so it was nice to see her again!  I want to say it was near Moravče, but it’s honestly hard to remember place names if I don’t write them down…  in any case, it was lovely.  We had to leave our big van in the town and take smaller cars up to her country home because it was too tight and winding!  Luka was also there, a Master’s student who presented at the conference as well.  He was also a participant for Wenxuan’s study, and he’s super nice so I’m glad he could come! We had some coffee and fruit out on the porch, overlooking an incredible view, as it always seems to be.  Do people ever get used to the mountain views?  I don’t think I would.  As someone who grew up in southern Ontario, they’re so fascinating to me.

After that we walked about 5 minutes to a restaurant perched on a hill, around 1000 metres above sea level.  It was so cute!  A fairly large place, with lots of seating indoors and outdoors.  We sat inside as it was probably around 35 degrees outside.  I was feeling a little ill from the heat, especially by the end of the meal, but I tried to enjoy myself as best I could!  The food was delicious – mushroom soup first, then a plate full of various Slovenian food.  I got what’s in the photo below, but those who ate meat got a platter to share filled with other food!  It was really tasty, although the vegetables could have done with some seasoning.  The roll-thing on the left was I believe cheese and maybe potato or dough, the pastry-thing was made with spinach and squash, and there was a large piece of breaded and baked cheese that was gooey inside.  A super refreshing water was served too, made with elderflower and citrus with a hint of mint.  I’ve never had it before but it’s all I want to drink now.

I was so incredibly full after lunch, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to walk down the hill back to Erika’s.  I walked slowly with Rachel, and we picked wildflowers as we walked back.  It was so peaceful!  When we got back we laid some blankets out on the ground and just sat on them and chatted.  It was very necessary after stuffing ourselves!  Erika also brought out some homemade tiramisu, which of course I couldn’t refuse.  It was a wonderful day off and I’m glad we could see Erika and Luka again.   

It was an early night for most of us because we have to get up early nearly every day.  For a day off, we still did a lot!  But it was so satisfying! Even though this is a research trip and we’re focusing on the projects and our fieldwork and analysis, it’s important to still have time to relax and have fun. I just needed one day out of this trip to be like that!

Tomorrow I’ll post about my day in Austria.  That will be a shorter post, but I’ll have a lot of analysis to do tonight!  Make sure to check out my photos in the post below~

[opepin]

june: week two

05: i wasn’t too tired when i woke up. i felt good. i wasn’t 100% when it came to doing cardio kickboxing but i got through it. i think the workouts yesterday made me sore too? LOL. i wasn’t expecting that. then i showered, ate my healthy banana and peanut butter whole grain english muffin, packed my lunch, and put the doughnuts in a plastic bag to cover them from the rain. i said goodbye to kevin and then went on my way to work. i dozed off during the ride and then walked over to the office. i wore my rothy’s today to test them again and they seem fine. i’m a bit closer to keeping them ahha. i wished cole a happy birthday with one of the doughnuts (he chose the one i thought he would choose haha). then i worked the rest of the morning and it felt good being productive. i walked to subways with the devs and then had lunch with them. i don’t think i’ve had lunch with them in a while. then i went back to work and did some internet errands until stand up. i finished working on video stuff and then hopped right into working on axure. mathew helped me get acclimated with layers and then i brainstormed on paper until the end of the day. i was surprised that all the doughnuts were gone by the end of the day :P they were good doughnuts. i waited for cole to finish his call and then we walked to the train station together. apparently, he read ready player one and loved it! huhuhuhu.

the train was packed and my neck was sandwiched between two people’s arms -__-” it didn’t last long so it was a meh train ride. then i snacked a bit and went right into exercise. then i watched the season finale of jane the virgin and the ending is wut. i don’t like where this is going. x__x; anyway, i showered when kevin got back and then i watched videos until kevin finished cooking dinner. it was a really late dinner LOL. we ate at like 10:15 pm? i stayed up digesting and reading my book of the month, ‘chemistry.’ i don’t think i like the short sentences...but i kept reading until 12 am and then i brushed my teeth and slept at like 12:30 am. zzz. i need to fix my sleep schedule.

06: my alarm didn’t ring...so i woke up at 7:45 am on my own and if i wanted to get my morning routine in, i would get into the office late so i wfh today even though i did want to go in. it was raining the entire day and we don’t have any umbrellas (the northwestern one got demolished by the wind last week) so i guess it was for the best? i exercised, showered, ate breakfast with kevin, and then read a bit before starting my work day. ‘chemistry’ is an interesting book. i do wish i got the other one for the month though. the writing is very choppy but the book is really insightful. anyway, i did some work, ate during all-hands, and then hopped on to stand up after. i did a bit of work but i felt so tired and unmotivated. i legit fell asleep at some point without realizing it. x__x it was so bad. then kevin got home early and we spent some time cuddling :3 we both ended up napping because this time, traveling kicked our asses. i think last week, i averaged 4-5 hours of sleep. we woke up, kevin started making dinner, i did my back workouts and some cardio, i showered, and then we ate dinner. kevin cleaned up and showered while i did some planning for his birthday. i was supposed to do more work because i didn’t do much today but i got super sidetracked and i was on a roll. i got to plan everything though! i hope it works out :) i let him know a bit but i’m excited for the rest of it, hehe. i did this until 11:30 pm, brushed my teeth, and then went to sleep.

07: i woke up feeling really sad and unmotivated. my vo2 max score on my fitbit dropped down by 1 :/ i haven’t been feeling really good ever since my trip back to chicago. sigh. i made it through my workout and then showered and left to go to work. it was gloomy in the morning but it got sunny during the day. i was really productive today at work though. i just put on some jack johnson and did a ton of design work. we had a quick meeting with frank and then i went back to wireframing and i also managed to talk my mid-day walk. i got a text from kevin saying that he has a fever and he took a sick day. so i left work at around 3 pm and got us dinner from hale & hearty. i got him chicken and rice soup and i got a spicy miso salad ;D i got back at around 3:45 pm and then made him eat the soup and drink ginger tea. kevin managed to pick up the rotofugi package -- i am in love with the shrine artwork we got. we are planning to order another one~ then i went back to work (because i left early) and then kevin napped. i finished working (was super productive) and then exercised. kevin slept through the entire day. i finished my salad for dinner and then i snacked on the asian snacks and felt terrible after. i got on the phone with hillary for the rest of the night while drawing poorly on the ipad LOL. i went to sleep at around 11:45 pm after washing the dishes, putting away the clean dishes, and then brushing my teeth and stuff.

08: lol kevin woke me up at 6 am because he wasn’t tired anymore and he wanted to make himself congee. i got up at my regular time after and did my workout, showered, and hopped on the train to work. i met with mathew and dave to talk about my project and then went to baja taco truck to get fish tacos with the dev team for lunch. after eating, i let dave and mathew know kevin got the stomach flu and i had to head back home to get him some food. i walked to the roche bros in downtown crossing and got bananas and apple sauce. did you know that they sell apple sauce in large containers now? haha. then i took the train home, got on stand up, and then got on a meeting with phil about moving me to a different project for now, which irked me for a bit. then i did some internet errands. kevin and i also purchased another piece of artwork from rotofugi’s current show :) i got myself back into the work grind and worked until 6:30 pm? then i snacked on life cereal with kevin. we chilled on the couch. i watched youtube videos while he read fanfic. then we ate congee and a bit after that, i did my leg workout. it was pretty intense and i loved it. kevin fell asleep at some point while i was working out and then i showered. he woke up and then went to bed to sleep at like 9 pm. i stayed up, watched the newest episode of reign, washed the dishes, and then brushed up and went to sleep at 11:30 pm. YES, SLEEP! :)

09: mmm it was nice getting 8 hours of sleep today. kevin woke up earlier than me and made himself congee. i did a new exercise video in the morning, showered, and then had some breakfast. then i went straight to work and was really productive for the day :) i’m so proud of myself. i was in a total slump in the beginning of the week :/ i got on stand up and then i stopped working for a bit to bake chicken with lemon pepper and garlic salt mmm.  i also put in some red peppers to bake at the halfway mark and washed the dishes. then i ate a late lunch at around 2:30 pm. kevin and i headed to roche bros at some point during the day to get kevin some bread to soak up all that stomach juice LOL. we got a multigrain baguette. mmm. we got rained on coming back home but it got sunny again when we got back...wth... i finished up my work day after coming back and doing another project. then i cleaned up a bit, watched youtube videos, ate dinner with kevin, and then i worked out. i washed up and we relaxed for the rest of the evening. lol i think kevin ticked me off at night for taking so long in the bathroom so i went to sleep kinda angry but forgave him when he got into bed.

10: i woke up at around 8:30 am and then did my 60 minute cardio kickboxing workout at 9 am. my feet started hurting a lot so i had to take it easy. x_x; then i showered, ate breakfast, and i had kind of a melt down. idk, i just feel so unhappy sometimes ever since my trip to chicago. i feel so unfulfilled in a way but i don’t know what way exactly. :/ kevin comforted me and then we got ready to go to our massage at 1 pm. the massage was definitely relaxing and what we both needed after the crazy amount of family time we had in these past few weeks. after our massage, we ate at kkatie’s burgers because it would be kevin’s first real meal other than bland foods LOL. he got a horseradish mushroom ... jalapeno? burger with truffle fries and i got the veggie black bean burger with curly fries. omg, their fries are so good. we also got their deep fried potstickers and those were nice too. my burger was delicious. i should get black bean patties more often! i finished half of my burger and all of my fries <3

we drove back home and then kevin gamed while i started reading ‘into the water.’ i’ve been holding it off but now i feel like i have to finish this book and also let’s not forget bravely default. kevin made dan dan noodles for dinner and they tasted odd at first bite but omg, they’re sooo good. the noodles we got are delicious and chewy. we both read for the rest of the evening. my feet were in pain at this point. my joints were swollen :/ so i didn’t walk much except when i really wanted to. i fell asleep reading in bed at about 12 am and kevin fell asleep at around 2 am?

11: i woke up at 9 am and then brushed and got back in bed to finish reading ‘into the water.’ kevin eventually woke up in that time and i ate breakfast and finished the book. he read fanfic and then i watched some videos while he got ready to go. we meal planned and then headed out to the mall so i could get my free sephora birthday gift -- i got he caudalie one. then kevin went to get us auntie anne’s pretzels and i went to dsw and tried on some dr. scholl’s shoes and happened upon a pair of adidas on sale?! lol i went in there initially to use my $5 birthday coupon for arch insoles. i took a good amount of time to think about whether or not to get them but i did anyway! with my coupon, they were only $47. they also didn’t have the arch support insoles i wanted so.. haha. we went to target and then we got butter, milk, yogurt, and some buns. then we went grocery shopping and ate lunch when we got back at like 2 pm. well, i ate lunch. kevin ate the new noosa yogurt flavors he got. i went straight to cleaning the kitchen and bathroom after that. man, acrylic tubs are so hard to maintain @_@; 

there was a fire evacuation thingy! we thought kevin set off the fire alarm but then we opened the door and realized it was ringing through the entire apartment complex. so we went out and then waited and walked to lowes and then walked back and everything was fine. then kevin and i ate dan dan noodles for dinner while watching ‘lucid dreams.’ it’s a korean thriller on netflix. then kevin cooked for the rest of the night (literally) and i tried getting in 30 minutes of walking on my painful feet. i think i overdid it because my calves were burning by the time i was done walking. i brushed up, kevin showered, and then we made the bed and i ko’d at like 11:45 pm.

[rueur]

Morning Pages #22 (30.01.2017)

Monday 30th Jan - 12:33 p.m.

Okay, so it’s not the morning, I know. I just missed the morning. And I also haven’t written for the past two days, I KNOW. Saturday was just too busy to do anything, honestly, it was one of the most busiest days I have ever had in my life. And Sunday was just a sleepy mess. I spent most of the morning being totally disoriented back in Mill Park, and the rest of the day trying to muscle up the energy to get to Ikaros’ house beforehand so I could see the apple baby (a baby apple tree) that he’s been taking care of so very lovingly (he calls himself an ‘apply daddy’ - like ‘apple-y’ not like ‘apply yourself’), and then take the train into the city together later that night for Gong De Lin!

Because there’s a lot to say about Friday, Saturday and Sunday, I will just go through it point by point and make sure I’ve mentioned everything before I go into more detail. First of all, our shows went very well. They were very well received, and we had a pretty decent crowd for all three shows. We also had a private fourth show (or ‘first show’) on Friday afternoon, at around 3. We had a full dress and tech run that some council workers decided to sit in on because they wouldn’t be able to make it to the actual shows. There were about three or four women, and one man in that audience, which was large enough for me to deem that Friday run a private show, rather than a rehearsal. I had nobody in the audience Friday night, but my entire family, and Malithi and Malith, came to see the show on Saturday afternoon, and Ikaros came to see it on Saturday night. Saturday afternoon was by far our best run, because Paul and Mahony gave us a fantastic warning regarding ‘second show syndrome’, but Saturday night was our worst run for that same reason: everybody lost sight of the fact that the Saturday night run was also susceptible to second show syndrome because, although it was our final show and our closing night, it was also our second show of that day. And everyone was insanely tired by 7 o’clock on that Saturday night. People tripped over their lines, forgot the order of scenes, lost their places and had essentially the lowest stage energy I’d seen them have. I almost coughed during my monologue, but I didn’t. There was, however, a very audible frog in my throat.

I biked home on Saturday night after saying goodbye to Ikaros at the station. He caught the 901 to Greensborough and then the train home. Jasper was also on the 901, because he lives out in South Morang, I think somewhere off of Gorge Road. He broke two guitar strings on Saturday, because he rocked so hard onstage. And Will broke the bin that he throws. He broke it during our FINAL show, it was fantastic. But yes, I biked home. The entire family (sans seeya thatha) was at Anthony’s house for some Eid dinner, so I was home alone. It was my first time back in my house that late at night and it would be my first time sleeping back in my own bed. I was exhausted though, so I didn’t go upstairs until 1 in the morning. I stayed downstairs from 9 till 1 watching Mad Men on Netflix, and playing Bejeweled. Jasper was sitting on the chair above me, my cat Jasper. Not the singer/songwriter who’s in my drama group, the guy who broke two guitar strings. Not that Jasper. Anyway, it was a lovely quiet Saturday night and I really felt I’d deserved it. The past month, living in Northcote, has been wonderful but it’s also been quite taxing, and being home after all of it has just been really refreshing. It’s been weird too, undeniably so. Sitting here on my bed right now, staring at my bookshelf, my own library, and the whole mess of clothes and bags that has been the result of my homecoming, is really odd. I have to get this sorted out, I know, in order for my room to start feeling more like home to me. This is my home, though. There’s nothing like returning home from a long vacation to make you feel like you know where you belong. I feel like I belong here, which is saying something because I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I belong here. Even when I was living at Rachael’s and I came back here on the weekends, I never felt like I belonged in this home in Mill Park. But my family’s here, and I guess I belong with them, so I made do. Now, I just feel at ease here.

I woke up at half past ten both yesterday and today. I slept for like nine or ten hours these past few nights, and have woken up totally out of it. My dad picked me up from South Morang station last night, at around a quarter past eleven. I fell asleep watching Mad Men downstairs, dragged myself upstairs at around 2 in the morning and just collapsed in the dress I’d worn to dinner. OH DINNER. Gong De Lin, with Ikaros. I’ll tell you about Sunday afternoon first, though. I decided to wear my brown dress with the red and yellow feathery pattern on it. That dress, I’ve always said, matches my skin tone to a tee, so much so that it feels like that dress has just been painted onto my body and I love it for that reason. It was nice finally wearing it out. I biked to the station, caught the 901 to Greensborough and then waited on Platform 1 for 14 minutes in the searing heat. There were line works going on on the Hurstbridge side (platform two) and I embarrassed myself twice with two different line workers, because I’d walked past them singing whilst listening to my iPod. I’m using these earphones that came with my phone right now, until I can properly replace the ones I broke with Ikaros last week, because the ones that came with my phone are crazy awful. They do this weird thing where if I twist the cord in a particular way, the song freezes or Siri is called up onto the screen, or the song FAST FORWARDS which I didn’t even know was possible. Anyway, I did try and listen to music on the way to Ikaros’ as a means of ignoring the heat. It was incredibly hot and sunny yesterday. I didn’t check the weather before I left, but I was very glad to not be wearing stockings and to also be wearing a very light dress. I also found another pair of sunnies on the train to replace the ones that broke a week or so ago now, so my eyes were well-protected yesterday. I left the sunnies at Ikaros’ house though, so I don’t know what I’m going to do until I see him again, hopefully on Tuesday right before I see Rhiannon at Lentils (she’s got a gig).

Ikaros’ dad is back with Anna so I saw her again, which was weird. Ikaros’ dad asked me how my show went too. I said it was all good. Then I got into an involuntary ‘argument’ (it was a very one-sided discussion if anything) with Connor, that lasted far too long for both my and Ikaros’ comfort. When I finally managed to edge my way past Connor, Ikaros and I sat in his cool, dark bedroom for a while before we gave in and had REALLY REALLY GREAT SEX. I’d literally just typed that and Ikaros texted me that he loves me. Fuck, I wish we were perfect for each other. We aren’t. Like we couldn’t ever work out. I know that. But I wish we could, I really do. I came twice yesterday, and he recognised my first orgasm as it was happening. I told him what to look out for, and he recognised when I came. It was kind of touching. Like he finally knew what to pay attention for and he didn’t stop until he found it. Then we had penetrative sex and it was so hot and we just got so so into it, I came again. And he came too, naturally. Then we had a shower together, which I also realised I had really missed. After we’d finished, we heard his family talking about us outside in the kitchen/living room. Connor said we were having a shower together, and Paul was like ‘great, they’re saving water’, but then Connor asserted that we’d been in there for twenty minutes (which was not true). Then Connor started criticising Paul for taking ages in the shower in the morning, and Paul was trying to stand up for himself, and for us too. And we were on the other side of the door trying not to laugh. Once we’d gotten back to his room though, we just let loose. We couldn’t help it.

We got dressed very quickly and then headed into the city. We were eating around quarter past eight, at which point we were quite starving. But Gong De Lin does not disappoint! We got more lemon chicken, pumpkin soup, fried shiitake mushrooms in sweet and sour sauce, spicy noodles with pork and beef, these vegetable bao dumpling things and ‘chicken’ nuggets. Gong De Lin is a completely vegetarian Asian-style restaurant right on Swanston Street near the corner of Lonsdale and Swanston Streets, very close to Melbourne Central Station. It’s a little pricey (last night cost us $76.60, but Ikaros paid for everything because last time we went it was my treat) but the food is of top quality, honestly. I’ve eaten there twice now, both times with Ikaros, and both times were up there with the best meals I’ve ever had. I could not recommend this place more highly. It is, however, an egregious indulgence and I don’t see myself going back there more than once or twice in a year. We ate really well, and then we walked around the city. We went to Crown and checked out this glorious display they had on for Lunar New Year (which was on Saturday the 28th of January, and the reason why I’m not seeing Evan again until this weekend), and read our horoscopes for 2017. Ikaros was born in the year of the pig, and I’m an ox. The horoscopes warned us both about relationship troubles in 2017, which we expected. The ox horoscope said that I place too much power in words, and that can damage relationships (which is painfully true), and the pig horoscope said that Ikaros (if he’s single, which he kind of is) will meet someone special in the last half of this year. Pigs will have wealth in this year, and Oxen will have average financial success, but good professional opportunities. Hopefully that means I’ll be able to land some kind of internship with a council, or at a publishing firm.

Anyway, last night was really wonderful, and it felt like we were just happy and together again. I know that’s not the case though. I love Ikaros with all my heart. And I was very comfortable with him last night. It was like being out with my best friend. I’m going to make myself sad if I keep talking about this, I know. I feel myself getting sad right now. But I shouldn’t, I know I shouldn’t. Because it’s just been amazing knowing him. I love him so much, and whatever happens will happen. As long as we’re still in each other’s lives. As long as we still love each other. We have plenty of time for everything else.