#i don't mean knowledge i mean just life. so much experiences ahead ? i keep forgetting this

[plubbo]

Waltzing (Tech x Reader)

Word count: 1810

Warnings: Some spice? (lots of kissing) I don't think there's anything else worth noting.

HEAVY spoilers for the s2 finale ahead!

I am.. in anguish, to say the least. I have never, in my entire life, loved a character how I loved Tech. So, I’m just gonna leave this here for all of those in mourning ahfjfnkrmf.

It was another one of those late nights; the ones that you spent in Tech’s room, learning about all kinds of new things and making memories with your favorite squadmate. 

Everyone else on the ship was asleep, which was the usual. The two of you were enveloped in silence with only the soft humming of the dim lighting to accompany both of you.

Luckily, Tech let you borrow his datapad to satiate your idleness while he tinkered with one of his unfinished projects.

As someone who was always intrigued by dancing, but never got the chance to actually learn how to do it, you decided to look at an article about various dances. One of the dances that piqued your interest was the box-step waltz. 

A wave of curiosity washed over you, and you quietly blurted out, “Do you know how to waltz?” You looked up from the datapad and at Tech with wildly inquisitive eyes. Tech turned his head away from his project to look back at you. He had done research on the topic before and even tried doing it, though it was decently difficult since he had to do it by his lonesome.

After finding the right words, he replied, “I have knowledge of the rudiments of it. If you are interested, I could assist you in learning how to–”

“That would be amazing, please do,” you exclaimed softly, in marvel that the man before you knew anything about the topic.

At your words, Tech immediately stood from his chair and took your hand in his, helping you get up from your place on the edge of his bed. With fingers still interlocked, he instructed, “Keep this arm up and place your other hand on my shoulder.” As he waited for you, he pulled you in closer by placing his other hand on your shoulder blade.

“Now, I will step forward. You must step backwards simultaneously.” You nodded your head to his instructions and did as you were told.

“Good. I will now slide to my right side. You need to do the same, but to your left side.” Again, his direction was followed correctly.

“Excellent. Then, I will step backward as you move forward.” You followed his instruction, except you stepped forward a little too far. Your face flushed slightly from the closeness, and you could feel the warmth of his breath on your ski–

“You are stepping on my foot.”

Quickly, you moved back and frowned slightly.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to..!”

“It is fine. You are doing well for someone who has no experience.”

The smile you wore on your face from before came back, and he continued, “Where were we..? Oh, yes. I will slide to my left side while you slide to the right. After doing so, I will step forward with you following suit, and we will return to our original position.” You nodded your head and followed his directions to the letter.

“Did I… Did I do a good job..?”

“I would say so.”

“Can we try it one more time so I don’t forget?”

“Of course. Though I would like to try something different this time, if that is alright with you.”

Prior to your small nod of the head, Tech gently moved his hand down from your shoulder blade to rest at your waist.

“Is this fine? If you are uncomfortable with something, you may tell me, and I will refrain from doing it.”

“O–Okay,” you squeaked as your face was tinted with a deep rosy color.

You repeated the steps of the dance a couple times over. Eventually, you got more comfortable with the motions and decided to close the gap between you and Tech. You placed your head against his chest, which then resulted in him freezing up. You moved your head back to where it previously was with a worried expression plastered onto it.

“I’m sorry, was that.. too much? I won’t do it again.”

“No, no, it only caught me off guard. It is alright, you may continue if that is your preference.” You nodded your head and placed your head back down against him. 

As the both of you resumed your dance, you could hear the beat of his heart. It was fast, faster than you expected it to be. You glanced up to check on him, and you saw that his face was as red as yours.

“Tech?”

“Yes?”

“Can I… Can I confess something?”

“That is fine. What would you like to say?”

“Um, I think I… I think I’m in love.”

Tech’s eyes widened in response and he stopped the movements of the dance. You began to worry that you had taken things too far, but your thoughts were interrupted by his voice.

“Is that the reason you wanted to learn this?”

A puzzled look grew on your face. Did he not know that you meant you were in love with him? You let out a quiet chuckle and replied to his inquiry, deciding to mess with him a little bit.

“Um, yeah, I’m grateful that you’re helping me out. I plan to take my special-someone  somewhere far away, and when a full moon rises, I’ll waltz with him. It’ll be really romantic.”

Hearing this plan–for someone who Tech assumed wasn’t him–made him furrow his brows slightly and look down at the metal flooring. There was another feeling, too. It was almost nauseating. He didn’t quite understand why he felt this way; he would have to run a few tests on himself later to see if he had contracted any illness–

Your hand reached up to cup one of Tech’s cheeks, interrupting his train of thought. He tilted his head upwards slightly to face you with a confused look upon his face. His amber colored eyes seemed to pierce straight through your soul. You let out a small laugh as you brought his face closer, closer, closer, and…

Your lips pressed against his. The kiss was tender; slow, gentle, and laced with nervousness. His eyes widened in surprise and shock, but he eventually melted into the kiss. Though this only lasted for a moment, as he soon pulled himself away from you, words frantically spilling out as soon as he could speak.

“If you claim to be in love with somebody that isn’t me, then why must you–?”

You interrupted him by colliding yourself with him again. This time was more passionate than the last, and you brought your other hand to rest at the back of his neck, playing with strands of his hair softly.

He pulled away from you to catch his breath, only to immediately want more. But, he couldn’t. He wouldn’t! He desperately needed you to answer his question.

“You stated you were in love with someone, so why are you indulging yourself with me?”

“Maker, Tech! Come on, you’re smart enough to figure this out!”

In a fit of confused frustration, he raised his voice, “Figure out what?” When he realized that he spoke too loudly, he worried that he had woken someone up.

“I… One moment, I need to check on–”

“No..! Tech, just wait a minute. Please.”

Your pleading eyes always got him to listen to you. He let out a quiet huff before hesitantly speaking, “Alright then. Tell me what you need me to figure out.”

“I… I need.. I need you to figure out that it’s you! That you are my special-someone! That I’m in love with you!”

You buried your face in your hands and you let out a whine. Your body felt like it was on fire as it heated up with embarrassment.

“Really..?”

You moved your reddened face away from your hands as you ardently nodded your head.

“Why would I lie to you about this?”

“I’m… not sure. I never thought that you would say this to me.”

“Why wouldn't I? You’re everything to me, and you should know that.”

Tech stared at you, taking a few moments to process your confession and to savor the moment. “Kiss me again,” he wished to say. But, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. His throat had gone dry and every part of him felt strangely.. weak. Another thing he would need to note for later. But, were all of these things symptoms of ‘love’? No, it couldn’t be. Love was supposed to be a wondrous thing, not a nerve-wracking ordeal! Right..?

It was almost like you read his mind, because your lips eventually crashed back onto his, dragging him out of his thoughts once again.

Three kisses had soon turned into many more. 

Tech managed to mutter, “I encourage us to keep going, but I am afraid that this will get repetitive for you.” His voice trembled with uneasiness in the slightest way, but you reassured him by placing your hands on either side of his face. A curious ‘hm?’ sound escaped him before you pulled him into you again.

This kiss was the most passionate out of all of them. You even snaked your tongue into his mouth, just to see what would happen. Tech let out a quiet groan when he did the same as you.

After what seemed like an eternity, you both pulled away, panting lightly.

“That… That was.. sensational.”

“Mhm,” you grinned. As soon as you finished your noise of accordance, Tech grabbed your waist to pull you into him. The kiss was quick, but you could feel the electricity behind it.

Tech hesitantly spoke up again, “I have one question.”

“Go ahead.”

“Were you sincere when you said that you planned to take me somewhere? Somewhere far away?”

“Only if you want me to be.”

“Please do,” he pecked your forehead gently.

A giddy smile ran across your face as you looked up at him.

Soon, your lips pressed against each other one more time. Tech’s goggles pushed against your face, but you were used to it by now.

Your eyes fluttered open and your lips lingered a little bit on his before fully pulling away.

“Oh, wait. What time is it?”

“It is nearly 0100 hours.”

“Then we’ve got some time.”

“Time for what?”

As a reply, you only looked at Tech with a rambunctious grin.

“Try to figure this one out too,” you said libidinously.

It took a moment for Tech to understand what you meant, but when he did, his face flushed.

“Oh. Oh.” 

“Do you want to, ner kotep verd?”

When he heard you speak the language that he taught to you, it sent shivers running down his spine. He immediately nodded his head.

“Yes, please.” ___________________________________________ part 2

[tiffanytheswiftie]

So every year on my birthday I kind of like to recap my year, and since I'm turning 29, I decided to model this year's after the Elle article Taylor Swift did at 29 entitled "30 Things I Learned Before Turning 30."

@taylorswift @taylornation

1. It's okay if people don't get my interests.

Over the years, I sometimes tried to hide my interests because I was worried people would think they were weird or wouldn’t understand them. It always seemed like a lot of my interests fell out of the “ordinary” interests of those around me. But I’ve learned that’s okay, and it’s okay if people don’t get it. If I enjoy it, that’s all that matters. Like the song says, if it makes me happy, it can’t be that bad.

2. I can love my body while also wanting to make it healthier/look better.

I have struggled with body image and my weight for the majority of my life, and I have always believed the biggest struggle was the mental aspect of it all. I thought I could only appreciate my body once it got to how I wanted it to look (which, it never has). I hated it. However, I realize now that the best way to improve it, is to love it, and appreciate it for what it does for me already.

3. It's not malicious to cut out toxic people.

Cutting out toxic people is hard, but necessary. I’m not calling someone up and saying, “I’m never talking to you again,” or completely ghosting them, however I no longer involve them in most aspects of my life. It’s freeing and better for my mental health.

4. Traveling is so important.

It’s no secret that I love traveling. I want to visit every continent (minus Antarctica), experience different cultures, see history, and experience new things. It’s important to open up my mind and broaden my horizons, and something I recommend everyone to do. It’s good to meet people from all over the world who live different lives and come from different lifestyles and philosophies. Plus, traveling is just so fun! Like Donna says in Mamma Mia 2, “life is short, and the world is wide, I want to make some memories.”

5. My path can and will change often.

When I first started trying to decide on a major for college, I seriously thought about at least 12 different career paths. And what I chose wasn’t even included in those at the time. Point is, my path will change often. My dreams will change often. And that’s okay! It doesn’t mean I failed, it just means my path has shifted onto something different. My initial dream may have just been setting me up to go down a certain path.

6. My life isn't on a timeline.

Honestly this is probably the hardest lesson I had to learn. Everyone, myself included, seems to put life on a timeline. I thought by a certain age I had to have a degree, I had to be married, I had to have kids, I had to have traveled to a certain amount of places, etc. and if I didn’t then it just wouldn’t happen. I hear people talk about other people and where they are in life. But no one’s life is on a timeline, and everyone’s big moments will happen differently. The only time it’s ever really “too late” is when I’m dead. And I’m not dead. I’m very much alive.

7. I need to be able to look forward to things.

Sometimes life can seem monotonous. Every day looks the same, and it can really wear me down. I always try to make sure I have something to look forward to. It could be something big, like a trip or Christmas, or something small, like watching a new movie. Either way, I keep a countdown app in my phone, and I look at it on days I feel like my life is doing nothing. I always make sure there’s something I can look forward to.

8. It's possible to be both brave and terrified.

My mantra in life has always been “Fearless.” I got it from a Taylor Swift quote when I was about 17 years old that says, “Fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.” While I’ve always loved that quote and have used that word to overcome fears, it took me awhile to actually be able to fully embrace the idea of being fearless.

9. Water is good for the soul.

Drink water. It’s not only good for the soul, it’s good for staying alive. Hydrate before you die-drate. There’s nothing more satisfying then getting a big gulp of cool water.

10. I shouldn't care what people think of me.

This is something we’re preached our entire lives, yet often we still worry about the people who judge us. And that’s crazy. I only get one life and going through it worried about what someone thinks of me is a stupid way to live.

I think I can best sum this lesson up with the words from Sebastian Stan in Houston, “Don’t care about what other people say about you, just really don’t give a damn…you have to ultimately go ‘I’m doing this’ and people aren’t going to like that. Not everyone’s going to like what I do. So…who gives a f***? You know, if it feels good to you, and you’re helping somebody, or you’re not harming anybody, you’re being kind, you’re being considerate, then that’s it. That’s all you need.”

11. If someone judges me for my appearance, they are the ones with a problem.

One thing that has hindered me through the years is my fear of someone judging my appearance. I’ve let it affect every aspect of my life. For so long, I wouldn’t go to certain events, talk to certain people, participate in certain activities, travel certain places, date, go to restaurants, do fun things like dancing or swimming, etc. (and some I still don’t) because of being afraid people would judge how much fat is on my body. And I recognize that’s not a good way to go through life, and if someone judges me for that, they are the ones with the issue, not me. In the words of Brianna Wiest, “Focus on what your body does more than what it looks like doing it.” And I’ve been trying to live those words.

12. I need to live in the present, not the future.

I tend to freak myself out by thinking either too far ahead or about things that haven’t (and might not) even happen. I think about what age I’ll be in 10, 20, 30 years. I’ll think about what might go wrong with something at some point. It’s not healthy, I will drive myself crazy overthinking about this. One of the biggest things I’ve learned is to live in the now. It’s good to have future plans or be prepared for the future, but never forget to live in the present. Focus on the now. Live now.

13. It's good to try different things to figure out if I'm interested or not.

It’s so good to try different things out to discover if it’s something I enjoy or not, something I want to pursue or not, etc. It’s so easy to sign up for a class, look up a tutorial, or just get out and try. I have tried a lot of things in my life that ended up not being what I decided to put all of my energy into, but that’s a good thing. I don’t have to ask myself “what if?” and some of it I still enjoy doing as a hobby.

14. Writing is good for my mental health.

If you follow me on any social media, or are reading this right now, then you probably know that I tend to write things out often. I enjoy writing. It’s one of the ways I express myself, and it’s good for me. It’s therapeutic. I write when I’m excited, happy, or sad. I write out poetry or songs or just short little essays. I enjoy it, a lot, and I’m glad I’ve embraced it.

15. Read as much as possible.

Reading is good for so many reasons. It makes me smarter, it makes my brain more active, and it takes me into different worlds. It also lets me experience things or understand things I might not have otherwise. It helps to stop my mind to slow down and focus on one thing. Reading is important for everyone. It can be a novel, a short story, a magazine, whatever. Just read.

16. A good night's sleep can make a huge difference.

Trying to get a good night’s sleep just makes the next day better and is good for my mental and physical health overall. I’ve had crazy sleep schedules, sometimes from work hours but mostly because I’m an anxious night owl who pushed myself to stay awake and watch movies rather than going to sleep. I honestly feel better now that I’ve got myself on a better sleep schedule.

17. I should push myself out of my comfort zone but also know my limits.

I would have missed out on a lot if I hadn’t pushed myself out of my comfort zone, and I hope to do it even more in this next decade. It’s good to run towards some of the things that terrify but fascinate me. However, it’s also good to know that everyone has limits. It’s good if I can recognize situations or places that always make me feel uncomfortable and to try and keep myself out of that environment.

18. Music and concerts are therapeutic.

Music has been a part of so many aspects of my life (as it is for many). It’s played on road trips, at parties, at big life events, in my room, in the movies I love watching, and the list goes on. It’s no surprise that music is therapeutic and something so many people can relate to and love. One of my favorite parts about music is getting to go to concerts. Taylor Swift, Julia Michaels, Aly & AJ, Miranda Lambert, Britney Spears, Demi Lovato, and Selena Gomez are just some of the artists I’ve been lucky enough to see in my life, and whose concerts let me really let loose, and just be in the moment and feel all the feelings. And that’s great, and something I hope I get to experience quite often in the next decade and beyond.

19. It's important to be knowledgeable about the world.

This can be looked at in two different ways.

On one hand, learning about other cultures and places is interesting and important on opening up the mind and broadening horizons (kind of like what I stated about traveling). It’s cool to see how people live, talk, what customs they have, etc. and to recognize that while we’re all different, we also all have a lot of things in common.

On the other hand, it’s important to be knowledgeable of the issues in the world. It’s good to know what big concerns there are and learning about them so I can see where I stand on it as well as knowing what I can do to help people. For example, with refugee crisis, knowing what is going on in their country and what they are facing so I can look into what I can do to help provide assistance (such as donating, raising awareness, praying, etc. We can all do something). It’s important.

20. Be active in politics and be respectful with politics.

Being active in politics is vital to helping shape the present and future. Being educated about issues, empathizing with people, being aware, opening up my world to be bigger, and having an open mind is all important when approaching politics. It’s also imperative that I make sure I am always respectful when doing this. If I disagree with someone, I don’t attack them. If someone attacks me, I ignore them. If you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. Don’t play stupid games.

21. Dog videos and cat videos will always make me feel better.

There’s not much to say about this except it’ll always make me happy and dogs and cats are so cute and deserve all the best things in the world. Also please send any and all dog and cat videos my way.

22. It’s so good to get to meet people from different backgrounds, lifestyles, cultures, etc.

Through traveling and living several different places, I’ve been lucky enough to meet people from all over the world. This has opened up my mind and has helped me to be able to recognize the different issues people face. It has helped me see so many lifestyles and values and I have learned a lot about the world through these people. I am thankful for them.

23. Being open about mental health is so important.

I have social anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder, AKA anxiety and depression. I’ve talked about this a lot in the past few years, however it took me awhile to get to that point. I was first diagnosed at 17 and it wasn’t until I was about 25 that I finally was able to be open about it and talk about it (and I have to thank Jared Padalecki for being a huge reason I was able to do that through his words and Always Keep Fighting campaign).

Mental health isn’t just about diagnosable disorders, though. Everyone has mental health, just as everyone has physical health. Mental health is just as important as physical health and should be treated as so. It’s okay if a couple days need to be taken to feel better. It’s okay to not be okay, as cliché as that sounds. The more open people are about mental health, the more awareness there will be, and that will lead to healthier minds.

24. Encouraging friends is something that should be done daily.

Let me repeat that, ENCOURAGING FRIENDS IS SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE DONE DAILY. Everyone needs encouragement. Uplifting others is the easiest thing a person can do that can make such a big impact. Uplift them, encourage them. I am genuinely so proud of so many of my friends, and I try to tell them that often.

25. Watching movies will always be my joy and therapy.

I watch a lot of movies. A lot. And it’s because I genuinely love them. I find so much joy and entertainment being able to escape into different worlds and lives and situations for a couple hours. I also turn to them when I am sad or dealing with anxiety and depression and need something to help me. They are therapeutic. They are fun. I am thankful they exist, and I don’t care if that sounds weird to someone (see #1). I also love learning about them and knowing different aspects of them, such as how a scene was filmed or how an actor approached the character. Random challenge: when watching one of your favorite movies, take yourself out of the story for a minute and just watch the characters on screen as actors. It’ll blow your mind on how talented they are.

26. Creativity can be expressed in a lot of ways.

I’m a relatively creative person and sometimes it feels like I can’t find a way to express that, which makes me go crazy. I used to think I had to have a specific and grand outlet in order to express creativity, but that’s not true. I can express my creativity in the clothes I wear, the things I write, in painting or making bracelets, in photography and videography, or even in every day conversation. There are so many ways to express it, and none of them are wrong or not enough. I’ll do me and you do you.

27. It's good to have people who inspire me, but I shouldn't put them on a pedestal.

A lot of different people inspire me. Some are family, some are friends, some are musical artists, some are actors, some are YouTube creators, some are activists, some are just random people on Instagram or Twitter or wherever, and the list goes on. And it’s great to be inspired by other people. It’s nice to have people to look up to or who inspire me to be myself or express myself. However, it’s always important not to put them on a pedestal. Nobody is perfect. We’re all people.

28. Be kind, be empathetic, be patient, but stand up for myself.

Kindness, empathy, and patience are all things we should strive to have. I always try my hardest to be kind to everyone (sometimes I fail, like everyone, but I try). I have realized I have a lot of empathy, which is great and I’m thankful that I have that. I’m working on patience with myself, but I do try to be patient with other people. However, I also need to know when to stand up for myself. Sometimes people mistake kindness for weakness and try to push me down; I shouldn’t let them do that. I can still be kind while standing firm.

29. I may never understand a struggle someone's going through but that doesn't mean it's not real.

Often times when people talk about their struggles, I see others say, “well I have never experienced that or have seen that so it must not be true.” And that’s a poor way of thinking.

For example, as a white person, I’ll never fully understand the struggles and obstacles that racial minorities face. But it’s so, so important I still recognize that those struggles and obstacles exist and do my part in trying to help improve them. Another example is that a man will never fully understand the struggles and obstacles I face as a woman, but they should still recognize that those things are real.

30. I know that age is just a number and turning 30 next year just gives me a new decade to look forward to.

And last but not least, turning 29 shouldn’t be a scary thing. Age shouldn’t make anyone sad or feel like they have failed at life or something for not reaching a certain point (see #6). People put too much emphasis on age sometimes and it’s ridiculous. I’m 29. I’ll be 30 next year. It doesn’t mean anything except that I’m given a new slate to start a new decade of my life, and that should excite me, not scare me. So here’s to 29, I hope my last year in my 20s is great…but I have a feeling my 30s will be even greater.

[radiqueer]

I'm sorry if this is an intrusive question, but in your knowledge, how does ednos manifest? Both for you and people you might know. I know for a fact that my relationship with food is not fucking normal, but I don't exactly know what to make of it and...wth...

ednos stands for “eating disorder not otherwise specified” which means it reps ALL eating disorders not covered under other diagnostic criteria. most, something like 70% of eating disorders fall in this category.

MY ednos looks something like this: i have an avoidant and distressed response to food and being told to eat. i tend to delay eating for as long as possible. i’m underweight and too thin for my age+weight, but i don’t have body image issues other than a generalized gender dysphoria that can’t be solved by transition. often, i delay eating for as long as possible. often this results in headaches and chronic exhaustion, shaking hands, nausea, loss of ability to focus (compounded by adhd). for example, right now I’ve eaten food equal to one slice of toast and one cup of tea since i woke up at 9am - it’s 2:20pm as i write this. 

it’s hard for me to push myself to eat because i have adhd; executive dysfunction makes completing the steps of acquiring food difficult. i have autism and texture issues due to that which make eating a lot of food difficult. the food that i can stand, i often still need to be pushed into eating. i hate when people tell me i need to eat or gain weight and sometimes refuse to do the latter out of misery and spite. depression adds a layer of weight on top of all of this. 

fundamentally, my eating disorder is about my desire to avoid eating because i feel like it’s unnecessary, distressing, and repetitive. there’s no solution for this that i can envision.

a friend was kind enough to share their experience with me also:

my eating has definitely been disordered at times and I’ve only just now, in my thirties, gotten a handle on it

so, I grew up in a house where my mother (whom I love) was always insecure about her weight and always dieting. so the language she always used - and still uses - about food is very morality-based. some foods are ‘bad’, others are ‘good’. if you have a bad food, you’re being wicked, and even if she says it with a sort of humorous thrill, as a kid you still internalise the guilt

it was also a house where, for various reasons, we never really had any chips or chocolate or candy or snacks like that around, only basic ice cream sometimes and never soda

so the combination of this meant that, when I did encounter junk food, I’d go buckwild and compulsively stuff my face, because if it was my only opportunity to eat it, then I had to eat AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE

the added result was that, if I ended up with a surplus of junk food, like from easter or christmas, I had to eat it all IMMEDIATELY, because if I ate it all at once (in my mind) then I was only being bad once, and that was therefore better than eating a little each day and being bad each day

plus, I couldn’t control myself

which was one thing when I lived at home and didn’t control the shopping, but as an adult I’d never learned self-control or how to stop eating junk when

I was full, because I’d developed a compulsion around itthe fact that I can now have a tub of ice cream in the house and not eat three bowls the day I buy it, or have chocolate and not eat it all at once, or anything like that, is a development that’s really only been true for like… a year? if that?

like, I was making progress towards this state of affairs for a while, but the fact that there are uneaten lindt balls in my cupboard right now would’ve been impossible a year and a bit ago

plus the whole 'food is my only comfort while pregnant’ thing probably set me back a bit

but I’ve really worked at being mentally calm around it and reminding myself the food will still be there tomorrow and that’s okay, that looking forward to it for tomorrow is nicer than stuffing myself now when I’m already full

so that’s another way it can manifest. and here’s yet another:

I grew up in a household that is, uh, increasingly fucked up about food - - it's worse now than when I lived there - - but I dealt with most of it (along with the rest of the emotionally shitty aspects of living there) by just... mentally withdrawing from anything that wasn't safe. We ate meals together when I was little, so maybe food tied into that, idk.

I'm also autistic and not super in touch with my body at the best of times. So... it was pretty easy to just... forget to eat.

I found some risk criteria for developing an eating disorder sometime in high school, and accurately recognized myself in the parts that were focusing on "perfectionist" and "very focused on self control," so I made a very deliberate effort to Not Diet pretty early on. I was the only non athletic family member (still am--everyone else will run marathons or 5ks together on family gatherings) in part because I couldn't breathe when I ran, and I'm also the fattest person in my immediate family.

I tend to stop eating and think of food as actively unsafe and hostile when I get stressed out, and my willingness to eat tends to be one of the first things to deteriorate when my mental health does. I tend to eat high sugar things when that happens, trying to get calories into me, and that sometimes crashes my blood sugar and makes everything worse.

As an adult, I've also been broke for most of my adult life and very conscious of my finances. If I haven't planned ahead and brought food with me, I often find it hard to convince myself that it's worth it to spend the money on a snack or meal for myself - - which means I skip a lot of meals and then wind up wondering why I'm in a brain fog.

I avoid diet talk very rigidly, in part because I am really worried about what might happen if I picked it up. It's really tempting sometimes to just not eat anything at all, maybe have a Real Problem someone might care about, get that positive validation about my body even though said body doesn't work so great in terms of breathing no matter what.

if any of these experiences, or aspects of these experiences resonate, consider that you may have an eating disorder.

here is one description of what a healthy relationship to food looks like. because we live in a diet culture, it’s often really hard to tell what’s normalized dysfunction, what’s a diagnosable eating disorder, and what is healthy and normal - and sometimes, healthy and normal aren’t the same thing. people with healthy relationships to food will

eat when they want to

eat as much as they feel like eating

eat what they feel like eating

not hold their habits and needs against themselves

give their body as much energy as required to sustain AND thrive

have compassion with themselves for shifting needs - more food on one day is as valid as less food on another.

do not weight- or body-shame themselves or others

respect their bodies capacities, limits, and needs

(one thing you hear when looking for recovery tips for eating disorders is to “respect and honour your hunger” and “to make peace with food” but if your ED is anything like mine, you can see how difficult this is. my problem isn’t a lack of peace with food, it’s that eating is inherently distressing for me and everything else just keeps making it harder and worse.

but you know what would help my ED? eating foods one-course meals (which I do already) and eating things which don’t require assembly or complexity. foods like pasta, pizza, sandwiches, curd-rice, are all easier for me to eat than anything else. i try to snack on chocolate and chips and fruit, because they’re easily accessed and provide energy. my goals for myself are small: eat, as much as you are able to, do not unduly distress yourself.)

don’t punish yourself for having to figure out your access needs around food from scratch. don’t hurt yourself for what you need to eat and what you find easy.you can have an ednos at any weight. remember that more weight is better than less weight - more IS healthier. take care of yourself

recovering from an ednos looks different for everyone because ednos ARE different for everyone. it’s up to you to figure out your balance, but of course there is help and resources available. check out blogs like @heavyweightheart. try to cultivate a body positive and disability positive environment around yourself, because that helps no matter what you have going on. best of luck! 

[rosettecapito]

Winter storms, bringing new beginnings

I have never been very good at savoring moments, but the ones that stick with me are usually when I learn the more profound lessons. More often, it's usually a culmination of moments that lead me to some sort of understanding and thankfully, growth.

Today, was one of those days. It wasn't a perfect Hallmark movie moment, far from it really, but it was perfectly real and honest.

I was able to let go today and understand acceptance in its purest form. I'm writing this down now so I don't forget it later when I may fall into a spiral of loneliness - although I'm working hard to have less of those moments this year. This year is not about what I don't have in my life. This year the focus is about what I can create in my life.

Chris will always be an important part of my journey, and I can only hope to grow in our friendship as the years go on. Our paths are quite different, but I'm grateful for the moments they cross from time to time. He helped wake me up to my life and helped me see that I needed to make a change. And now, it's my turn to take the lead and continue on the path ahead of me.

In order to do that, I had to let go of the fantasy I was clinging onto. I realized I was hanging onto what I wanted Chris to be and wasn't truly accepting him for who he is, and what he is going through. He has a lot of healing that needs to be done, and I pray he is able to work his way through it. I will always be a friend he can turn to in the darkest of times and will walk beside him as he makes his way through.

The honest conversations I've been able to have with him these past few days have been eye opening and healing for me. Realizing the fears I had of letting go were unnecessary and would not change our friendship or what we mean to each other. We don't know what the future holds for either of us, but regardless of that, I hope we continue to help each other grow and become better versions of ourselves every day.

My vision forward is my focus and the pity party is over. In my lonely moments, I will give myself more love and do the things that help fulfill me and bring me joy again. I need to keep building my life so that I stop thinking about what I want to do and actually do things. I will be more open to love and experience without being afraid of what I am leaving behind. Like they always say, the things meant to be in my life will always stay, the ones that leave were only meant to be along for part of the journey.

I think what drew me to the loneliness and despair, was that I was feeling like everyone else was doing so much more with their lives and mine felt stagnant. But I know there is still a lot going on, and sometimes there needs to be stillness and rest in order to build up and prepare for the next adventures ahead. The ebb and flow of life.

This year, I will learn more about me and my needs so that when someone comes along and steps up to the plate, I know how to express myself clearly and healthily without clinging to validation or letting lingering insecurities get the best of me. I will step into my power and continue to learn and grow. More importantly, I will apply the knowledge I've gained through the experiences I will have. So that all my relationships flourish and love grows within me constantly. I will give without expectation or resentment, but I will understand and create my boundaries. I will try to understand and respect the boundaries of others as well.

The new year holds all the opportunities and possibilities - I just need to open my eyes and seek them out. Hope will never die, anticipate but don't expect.

Time to really bring the magic.