#i dont care i just really do not care abt it anymore
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currently thinking abt the time i posted smth along the lines of "we should do 9/11 again. just keep doing it until nyc is gone" like i cant remember the exact wording but ykwim and this guy i used to be friends with who was i guess trying to find anything wrong with me he could at the time dmed me with a screenshot of the post and was like "are you for real..." like yeah man. yeah i'm going to crash a plane into every building in new york
#IT WAS SO FUNNY LMFAOOOO#this happened a long time ago and i never wanted to say anything bc him and another old friend were like stalking my tumblr for a while#after they dropped me LOL and i didnt want to say anything but. i dont think they are anymore bc 1. got banned twice 2. that would be really#pathetic its been over a year#and also i really dont care abt what they think of me anymore. they were doing some downright evil shit to a friend of a friend recently#also theyre both like skinny 5'3 twinks and im 5'10 fat and a trained boxer. they can come at me if they want 😁#anyways that was just so funny i think abt it every once in a while. like lmfao#rambles
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It turns out teaching is a lot more fun when you're not violently depressed
#thank u lamicta1 🖤#good news: i can be enthusiastic abt science and teaching again#bad news: i fucking suck at drawing and maybe dont actually want to do my phd project anymore#like there r so many other cool things out there aside from chl f. like i dont really care that much abt it. i just wanna do eps stuff :-/#also. still cant read. but ya kno#will i still b here by the end of the semester? fucking who knows#now im like. FUCK. i wanna go back to the desert where there r miles of cyanobacteria dominanted soil#but i dont wanna live in las vegas :-(#unrelated
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whoa guys did you see the new cards i really want alto's full art!!
made with this site! art without the text under the cut :D
#pokemon#pokemon oc#pokemon ranger#pokemon tcg#clai's ocs#oc: alto#clai's art#the thought process during this piece was literally ''NOOO I DONT WANT TO RENDER NOOOOO rendering is fine actually. i dont care anymore''#i tried to come up with a cool card effect? someone more well versed in the tcg please tell me if this is viable or op or sucks ass entirely#i will genuinely change the post if the effect is bad i want my beloved to have ONLY the best#other ideas i considered was smth like. finding a pokemon to play straight away to reference ranger capturing#or an effect that only benefit colorless type pokemon so that alto would pair with flying types that get assigned colorless#but since i wanted the card's name to be alto's Justice it felt more appropriate for the player to gain smth after being damaged#like maybe it depended on the opponents prize cards and how many they'd taken already#the prior effects like the colorless benefit would probably go on a standard ''Alto'' card that doesnt have the extra word appeneded yknow#i put plenty of thought into it haha i was browsing through the bulbapedia articles trying to figure out what a good card effect was#only played like. less than ten matches of tcg i'm still figuring stuff out JDJBFJF#the clouds also!! originally i was drawing generic fluffy clouds#but then it hit me. i named alto after specific clouds. why am i doing generic ones instead of the ones named Alto-Something#so these are meant to be altostratus! i can bearly draw generic clouds though idk how well i pulled off smth more specific HJEHFKF#had a lot to say abt this one i just really liked the idea of an alto card so i made sure it was as perfect as i could get it
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i cant fully control my emotions during a breakdown and then i come out of it and im like oh fuck........ ._.
#bpd#like i dont mean to hurt anyone else with having my breakdown on my vent blog on tumblr...#like the stuff i say isnt aimed at anyone in particular#and it's abt MY feelings which are so confusing i get a headache#my thoughts is my enemy and im such a broken and confused little girl inside fr T-T#but like yeah im sorry for upsetting ppl???#but really i feel so suffocated bc im constantly terrified of saying smth that will upset this or that person#or reblogging the wrong thing and making someone im attached to hate me#like idk.... genuinely my blog is supposed to be a vessel? a tool? smth for me to be able to put my emotions and thoughts down#and try to make sense of them. even when i cant. it really only concerns me. i dont mean to attack or hurt anyone else :/#but i mean i really shouldnt and i shouldve learned this lesson so long ago....#being confused and broken and mentally ill and not knowing or understanding things and being messy and#saying the wrong things or phrasing it incorrectly or anything like that#or like sometimes i have one thought tied to a certain emotion but it's only there in that moment#like when i feel so lonely i could die.. yes i do have kidnapping fantasies. bc i dont.: whatever i dont owe anyone a psychoanalys of mysel#but that doesnt mean i want want to be kidnapped by a stranger who doesnt care abt me... i know that would be awful and traumatizing and no#what i *want*. bc what i desire is love#but like i feel so much pain and just venting abt it or reblogging a post helps me solidify my overwhelming emotions#idk what to say like..... ☹️☹️☹️☹️#i cant even fucking blog or do tumblr right im worthless. and yeah i know i have a victim complex.. sorry 🥲#hmmm. yeah idk what to say like when i have breakdowns i have to get myself thru them without any support#and i dont mean that to attack anyone else.: we're all alone i know.#but idk how to deal w it so i just type it out. its not to attack anyone else its to try to make sense of my emptions i dont understand ☹️#anyway.. maybe i should just accept that im too fucked up and too contradictory for anyone to actually like me#there will always be smth that will make everyone not like me anymore. thats that.#thank u for the time u do give me tho i always appreciate thay#and im sorry i really truly dont want to hurt anyone else#i just dont have .. idk it doesnt matter im sorry for what its worth and if anyone even reads this#i hope not bc i dont want anyone to perceive me and stuff like i dont wanna exist to anyone#and im not on tumblr or post stuff for attention. im just in pain and have nowehrre to put it. im sorry if im lashinf out and hurting other
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redownloaded an old art program
#specifically its tayasui memopad…#sketches was like borderline unusable last i redownloaded it#which was like.. oct last year#maybe its gotten better but i dont feel like bothering with it anymore haha#memopad i never used much aside from little scribble doodles (id make a scribble and try to turn it into something)#but its changed a lot since i last used it.. which was like four years ago so i cant be too surprised i guess XD#its still pretty jank but in a more manageable way . i missed rhe sketches brushes theyre very lovely#sorry for all the rambling haha#ive been feeling really shitty lately and have barely been able to draw it feels like#a lot of what i have made ive had to really.. force myself to get out. and i havent been as satisfied with it as id like to br#this is kind of janky still but i like it and i had fun making it#everytime i draw these two its exactly the same cuz i have to remind myself what their designs even were everytime >_<‘’#hopefully i do some more stuff today. its already getting late but im feeling a little better#getting back into the swing of things or whatever#i thought someone on af was ghosting me or whatever but turns out they were just . busy. ( <- figures i need to stop assuming haha) and#they also made this amazing revenge im absolutely in love with its so cute#really made my day =)#scribbles#furry tag#good god i write way too much in these#sorry#anyways#queueing this to post again (its the 14th as im writing this) i feel like that worked alright for me last time#im kinda making this post impulsively i am. constantly going back nd forth on whether i even like posting my art nowadays#oh well#yeah queue i wanna know#mother series#<- i forgot to tag that . for blog organization mostly these r just#nothing burger npcs barely anyone cares abt (nintens sisters lol)
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do i really want to make individual drinks again
#reaching back into the file cabinets of my mind to remember how i made certain drinks when i worked at the cafe#in preparation for the possibility of this new job#it would certainly mean far less goofing off time than i have at my current job. and i value my goofing off time dearly#but the people here are so fucking annoying lmao. i hate them soooo much#not that the people at this new job would be any better. we're still dealing with investment bankers#godddddd. what i really would want (which would be impossible)#would be to go back to working at the cafe but like. still have paid time off and insurance lmao#but the cafe was a small business and he was not offering paid time off and insurance. and the pay was way less#but i did get to play whatever music i wanted. unfortunately you cant live on that#like i can always say no to this new job if its offered to me. but is my goofing off time worth:#2 dollars less in pay and a half hour to an hour's more commute. well i dont know#a shorter commute would mean i could sleep more. and have more time at home .#i mean i probably don't Need all this goofing off time. but its nice#i dont knowwwwwww#like even though im a bit nervous abt doing it again i know that i would easily fall back into the routine of making drinks#which i was fairly good at. my one drawback is that i cant do latte art but i dont know that theyd really care here#and (because i found the menu of where id work) theres not a ton of drink options?? just the standard stuff#its being called a starbucks cafe but 1) its not managed by them and 2) it does not have their 5 billion drink options#so thats good. less to worry about#doesnt look like i even have to make anything foodwise which i had to at the cafe#here it looks like people can just buy a pastry and thats it#the hours are like. the same i work now. also good#sorry im like using this post to think through my thoughts.#uhhhh oh i looked up the manager who looks like a weenie so im not keen on the prospect of interviewing with him#but i probably would have thought that about my current manager if id seen a pic of him prior to interviewing. i guess???#and with these kind of catering units it seems you dont often deal directly with the manager that much anyway#i just gotta see if i get good vibes#rn i have unsure vibes. but i need a sign to see if this could be good for me#oh id also save money on transportation. and taxes! bc i wouldnt be working in ny anymore#lol oops tag limit. well i hope you enjoyed my job thoughts you probably didnt i know i didnt
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coupla idiots
#sketch#digital art#ocs#oc:romsir#oc:nytaios#they are. so stupid together. yall have no idea how they behave in my head. theyre so fucking dumb#also ive never drawn romsir's fully back scars or them w/o their prostheses so i felt like it was time to just. do it lol#btw ive decided i dont care abt tagging artistic nudity anymore really. unless someone asks me too im just. idc sorry#im a studio artist the human body is just normal to me now. its value neutral
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Wait shit people might actually care about me
#sorryyy for the personal posts lmao just not having a great time lately . ill go back to posting abt fandom stuff soon dw#hopefully the self loathing phase is over now cuz i really didnt enjoy that!#mf got me thinking thay everyone secretly hates me n itd be better if i was dead ahahaha#but like. my friends talk to me daily. my mutuals love me. i didnt go to school for like 3 days and my classmate who im kindaaa friends wit#texted me saying. and i quote “Hi [name]. I know its late but i hope your doing well. Hope to cya tmr.” (the full stops symbolize each text#cuz she sent three seperate texts)#and i was just. so flabbergasted at that#i didnt rlly think anyone would really notice if i was gone#i didnt think anyone cared me enough for that#i thought theyd just be indifferent to it#also i sound pathetic rn but i reread that girl's text over n over again when she sent rhat. was literally on the brink of tears#and i just. wow.#people might actually care for me. they might actuallynotice when im gone. they might actually miss me#ive been so inside my head n thinking allat bad stuff about myself that i. didnt think that people might see me differently than the way#i saw myself#really and truly i love you guys so much#even if we've never talked to each pther before or interact very little. i appreciate all of you. you guys rock#anyways aha i should stop rambling now loll. as for now i think im doing a bit better#life still sucks but hey at least i have my friends. at least i dont hate myself anymore now#at least now i dont believe that everyone was being friends with me out of pity#thank you all for everything :')#man i need a hug rn lmao#tw vent#tw sui implied#tw sui ideation#tw self loathing#tw self destructive behavior#<- dw about the tags i dont feel/do those anymore#if you wanna talk to me abt this or just talk in general hit me up!! i love talking to ppl i dont like being alone xd#love youu <33
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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congradulations assholes
u all finally got that stupid ass victory that u ppl so lovingly beg for absolutely no reason other than just to find more petty excuses to boost ur ego and outright splat any other ppl from different teams on site as if any of u dont know how to play like fair for once in ur pathetic fucking life and admittingly i do feel bad for shiver too since she actually had smth that i could agree with for once (vanilla aside) and that u assholes pretty much decided to be absolute jerks throughout the whole damn thing all cuz im on her team as if splatfests and final/seasonalfests in general were never meant to be taken srsly in the first place and overall to any stupid ass stans/spawn campers out there i wish u all a very happy go fuck urself for basically never giving me a fair fucking chance for once whatsoever and for honestly being the worst fucking idol f**base to ever exist in general so yeah
#lunas rambles and shit :3#splatoon 3#yeah of fucking couse im adding this tag just so those assholes can know wtf im taking abt for once since all they ever do nowdays#is bitch and whine over the most ridicuous shit imaginable all cuz other teams want to win too and that ur stupid ass fav idol or some shit#doesnt have to win every damn time since u already won before but apparently u assholes decided that wasnt enough for some reason and#basically went as far as to blame handshake for winning fair and square as if u cant do anything beyond counting stacks instead of the#actual numbers and also proceed to splat any member of any opposing team u come across without even having the decency to let them have fun#and do their thing for once which is overall the main fucking reason why i really#fucking despise frye stans so fucking much to the point where i sinseraly hope u idiots lose the finalfest too since its basically what u#pieces of fucking shits deserve for having so called “”“”good sportship“”“” towards shiver and big man teams and#not even being fucking bothered to actually have a good time for once regardless if u win or not since u all missed the whole point#of splatfests in general and piss me off sm to the point where i just fucking hope u all lose every other splatfest from here on out and#continously bitch and whine over the most minor thing possible while ur fucking at it since its all u really care abt anymore atp instead#of actually having fun like a normal human person for once#and even tho that scene after the results was admittingly wholesome too i still feel bad for shiver anyways since i dont really care abt the#latter options all that much and that this is just a fun silly what if scenario anyways so yeah#im gonna start posting this now and dw ill be sure to block any stupid ass annoying frye stans on site anyways since theyre basically just#the absolute worst f**base of pretty much any splatoon idol in general if u ask me
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shoutout gothcleats shippers o7
#rambling#idk i feel like as a dndads blog im legally obligated to make A post abt it#but idk! it was fun#sad about normal but glad everyone else got a happy ending#(warning i get like. pointlessly negative/personal beyond this point)#but idk. ive been so checked out of s2 that i feel like. detached?#like makes me feel shitty to admit this but i just dont really care#idk if that has to do with my disinterest with the season. or just not being fixated anymore#or just my own mental state as of recent#it just makes me really sad that i feel this way about a series i adore#i dunno. i'd like to do a relisten of s2 so i can really pinpoint what about it frustrates/bores me#but rn i just cant be bothered#dont get me wrong i love this season!!! i feel the need to clarify any time i get negative about it#i love the characters and most of the plot and there were things i found really really compelling#and god its SOOO FUCKING FUNNY#my venting comes from a place of love yknow#but yeah tldr i have like literally no strong thoughts on the finale atm. it was fine#but im excited for the future#dndads s2 spoilers
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i think working in emergency management would be so fitting for me and my interests. i used to be obsessed as a kid w the cold war and civil defense programs. but i couldn’t articulate what i wanted to know. i wanted to know why they were the way they were, why they made the choices they did and what they’re doing now in the same way. covid fascinated me bc of that. i worked for ups at the time and i loved reading the internal information system stuff about it bc it seemed they already had some plan and i wanted to be the people that did that.
#i love systems!! i love processes! i love how they go wrong and how they go right and developing ways to make them more resilient!!#also i care about people and i know there’s trust in institutions to continue functioning and like i want to be part of that.#so like emergency management or social work.#but thinking abt going back to school hurts bc i’ve already fucked up my financial aid bc i wasn’t really ready yet#oh well. my own fault. no one made me do that.#it hurts to think about what i could do bc it feels like those opportunities aren’t there for me anymore.#im only 23 but i still have nothing to show for it. i should have gotten a degree by now.#and ive tried but i couldn’t swing community college.#but also like. i didnt know then what i know now. but what if it doesn’t matter.#what if i really am just averse to doing anything.#i dont think i am but evidence seems to point to me being uh. pointless.
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just had a really odd nightmare where I was in a town haunted by an angry spirit that had magic similar to bill cypher’s and my parents picked me as the sacrifice (convinced me they’d come back and pick me up)
#this is so corny but it felt really real in the dream that a bunch of frjends n family members were just like#‘you have to be the one to get tortured for a few thousand years sorryyy you have the highest chance of surviving :0( we’ll miss you#now ots 03:17 and my head hurts waw#ADDING TAGS BC IM PONDERING#i think it was specifically about how i dont feel like a human anymore#cuz ive been doing so little lately it frels like if i had to spend a few years in HellVille tm nothing would change abt me#i wohld still return paralyzed and helpless and quiet n my parents woulr still need to take care of me
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anyway i think the staph infection did something to my brain bc i stopped caring abt dr//agon ag///e
#medical#illness#not really abt the infection anymore but tagging for blacklist purposes just in case!!!!#ANYWAY im mostly joking lol but like hear me out... i had a revelation.......#this is so silly honestly but i've been so stressed abt finishing all 3 da games before veil//guard comes out#and figuring out the perfect worldstate and perfect trio of heroes etc etc#but then i just had this sudden thought like. damn do i really care though......#like what if i just don't care abt this series as a whole that much anymore. that's okay too right.#i can be an origins lover and occasional da2 enjoyer... i dont need to force myself to play dai if it doesnt spark joy...#like. im not subtle abt how much i dislike that game. why would i play a game i dislike lol#origins is the only game in this series i truly love! i dont have to care abt a game series as a whole! i can simply like the games i like!#and like who knows maybe i'll give vg a try one day but im not gonna be like. agonizing over it lmao#anyway im really in a kotor mood rn. gonna play lots of kotor once i get home#i hope u will all think of me as ur kotor mutual from now on 🫶#el.txt
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opened up minecraft on my computer for the first time in like over a year i think nd got so so fucking scared cuz it was saying i didnt own it anymore (turns out i just logged into my bedrock account on accident) and then we had to deal with trying to figure out how to even log into my java account and we almost thought we completely lost it or smthn
#i dont really care abt my worlds being lost thats happened. so many times over the years i dont rllycare anymore#plus i barely spend much time in single player worlds anymore so im not as attached to them as i used to be#but oh my god i havent even logged onto lgl in like a year??? two years???????? i dont remember anymore but like if i lost all my stuff and#had to walk ALL THE WAY BACK if i ever logged on again id cry#<- this sounds so stupid typing jt out but like#i dont care that much its just… soooooo much and id feel rlly bad for gizmo especially cuz itd be such a setback#im already a huge liability when it comes to playing on there im ass at this game and constantly lose stuff#inquisitivewaltz.txt#oh yah ‘we’ is me nd my dad cuz i donttttttt know the login info for my account#well. i didnt. i do now cuz we had to reset the password#<- he made my account for me way back in. uh i dont remember when we got java but like it was all jsut set up for me when he got it it was#like a surprise thing for doing good a state testing or something#whenever ive had to log back onto the launcher or whatever over the years ive asked him for the password and it was one of the autogenerate#ones so i never remmebered it#rlly stupid of me looking back but oh well its in the past now#seriously thougj that was so needlesly difficult#mostly my dads fault he had like fifty million different login information combinations saved for the same thing
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📓🦇
#honestlyyyu#life without him is so boring....#idk... just imagining my life without him makes me feel bored lol#i want to be with him i think ...#but it is difficult bc we live on two different continents#and relationships between nations are difficult bc you're not allowed to just move anywhere lol#idk how it could work#plus ... also he's 20+ years older than me.. to me it isnt an issue more than#1) he wont live as long as me (if we both die of old age that is lol)#2) everyone are very judgemental and even if both of us mainly want to just have us and not any social circles#it will be hard.. and how am i supposed to tell my mom....?#the thing with that is hard because of my avpd.. im not normal#i never will be. even if i like met a guy my age now in school and we started dating i wouldnt want to tell me my mom#i cant explain how i feel to normal ppl but yeah... im just someone who wants to live isolated to myself#i dont want to be like yeah hi mom heres my bf who i fuck and love and now lets go for family dinner woooop#idk ... i could never. i just cannot do that normal life.#so then its like.. it isnt purely bc im 'ashamed' of him and the age gap#im just someone who feels shame about everything.... so i wouldnt wanna tell my mom anyway#but then it feels like im 'betraying' her. if i move away to another country to be happy on my own#and she wont even ever get to meet my bf or hear abt him... i'll get married (bc of convenience) and she wont know#that feels bad.. like im hurting her. but i know in my heart that even if i met a bf my own age here#i would NEVER want a wedding. my avpd.. im not a normal functioning person.. i'd want just me and the other person there. not infront of my#family... idk i just cant do normal life things..#maybe sometimes i dream abt having a few friends and being cared for. but that is a DREAM#theres no way of knowing if i'd ever find ppl like that. im also very different and cant connect to basically anyone i meet fkn EVER!!!!!#he's the only one i've ever met that im this compatible with.. and he is real. and i know him. should i let go of him just for ppl i havent#even met? who i might never even meet? bc yeah the thing is that with him we wouldnt have a conventional life. it'd be just us#and thats not really a bad thing. its just that w my avpd i never know what i really want bc i want smth but when it gets real#and i can actually have it suddenly i dont anymore. and i want the other thing i didnt want before...#so i have sm fears.. what if i choose him but then will never get that comfortable job in a cozy school and my own apartment
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