#i dont know ... it jst feels right ... i dont know

[paingoes]

destroyer :3c

(Masterlist)

no content warnings apply this time! just an eye strain warning.

=======================

ndhakdvsnnd: do you know sunspot

katkittykat: omgz yessss!!!! thats my bffl :333

ndhakdvsnnd: have you two been talking this whole time then

katkittykat: ummmm hehehhehe

katkittykat: can u give me a sec plz

ndhakdvsnnd: okay

[ndhakdvsnnd has been added to Secret Rebel Chat :3]

katkittykat: hai :3

sunspot: Hey!! Is now a good time? 

ndhakdvsnnd: yeah okay is this an ambush

katkittykat: yes!!

sunspot: No its not an ambush

sunspot: Kitten why did you say yes youre going to scare him

katkittykat: imma ambush predator >:3c !

sunspot: Well you know Daddy loves that about you ;^)

ndhakdvsnnd: oh my god are you two fucking for real

sunspot: No sorry that was a bad joke. 

katkittykat: its not an ambush!!! we r gonna tell u the truth like we said we would & u dont have to do anythin abt it rn just hear us out

sunspot: Are you ready for some sick knowledge to get dropped on you?

ndhakdvsnnd: okay 

sunspot: Alright awesome i have been waiting for a chance to loop you in we have been talking about it for a while

sunspot: OKay so the big secret is that Me and Kitty are part of this rebel group that is working to overthrow the empire

sunspot: And we want your help :)

ndhakdvsnnd: wow a rebel group that wants to overthrow empire?

ndhakdvsnnd: thanks that really narrows it down

sunspot: Haha good point! Let me put it another way

sunspot: We’re the one that’s serious

katkittykat: ooooo burn

ndhakdvsnnd: galatea?

katkittykat: bingo !

sunspot: Yes exactly! 

katkittykat: u heard of us huh? :3

ndhakdvsnnd: yeah i admit that is cooler than the 5000 other rebel groups who have been trying to contact me

katkittykat: awwwe u a fan?

ndhakdvsnnd: i have mixed feelings but what do you want

katkittykat: ok tbh ill cut to the chase we want exclusivity

katkittykat: would u mind sending the intel directly to us instead of posting it on threads

sunspot: We know it’s a big ask but we have confirmation that Empire is keeping up with it now and we’ve watched them readjust their plans after they get leaked

katkittykat: plusssss its put u at lower risk of being caught out

katkittykat: hello?

ndhakdvsnnd: you understand why id be reluctant to do that right

katkittykat: yes :c

ndhakdvsnnd: im not really comfortable betting everything on you and theres a lot of information in here that concerns people outside of galatea so i wouldnt want them to lose access

sunspot: Galatea has many channels. We can distribute warnings to civilian populations a lot quicker than they could stumble onto it themselves. Anonymous forum posts were never your best bet at real dissemination.

ndhakdvsnnd: thats true. but i would have to really trust you to follow through and i dont have any way of knowing you are who you say you are

sunspot: Hop on call.

ndhakdvsnnd: absolutely not

katkittykat: just hop on!! u dont have to talk or turn ur camera on but we will show u where we are rn

ndhakdvsnnd: fine give me a second

[sunspot started a video call in Secret Rebel Chat :3]

[sunspot ended a video call in Secret Rebel Chat :3]

ndhakdvsnnd: okay

sunspot: Let us know if you need any other verification but hopefully thats proof enough for right now

ndhakdvsnnd: no i believe you. still i dont know if i really want to be caught picking a side or playing favorites like this. my position right now is really precarious i dont want to endanger it by committing to anything official

sunspot: This is all under the table, if that helps.

ndhakdvsnnd: what do you mean

katkittykat: its not an official commitment bcuz u r not an official source !!! u r all cagey abt ur identity n shit but we know ur good for it so we js pass it along anon

ndhakdvsnnd: and that wouldn’t change if i give you exclusivity?

katkittykat: nope!!! we can keep the whole thang locked up seriously itll jst be the 3 of us in on it :3

sunspot: Tell him the other part

katkittykat: ummm i changed my mind actually i dont wanna do that 

sunspot: It’s important.

katkittykat: ok we also were gonna try and offer u whistleblower immunity

katkittykat: but forget it i know u wont accept it

ndhakdvsnnd: im not a whistleblower

katkittykat: see what did i say 

ndhakdvsnnd: can you fuck off

sunspot: Sorry! But we cant pretend we dont know whats going on with you and frankly it makes us really scared for your safety

katkittykat: ya like i went along w ur hacker bs and i even believed it for a min but i need u to know 

katkittykat: i do this like ten hours a day everyday and ive never gotten anywhere near the amount of dirt that u have pulled up recently

katkittykat: its not an indictment against ur skill or anything its simply loike. this is my job. and ik u arent at my level. so u have to have been given clearance from within

katkittykat: ur inner circle arent u?

ndhakdvsnnd: this is an ambush

sunspot: Ok Kitty lay off him

ndhakdvsnnd: i am not “inner circle” and i need you to stop looking into me right now. i wont tell you anything at all if you keep trying this.

sunspot: We’re sorry. We were only asking because we wanted to try and help you if you are in a bad place. 

ndhakdvsnnd: fuck off

sunspot: Okay! 

katkittykat: so are we still exclusive 

katkittykat: hello?

katkittykat: ugh noooo did i tank the deal

sunspot: Nice going.

ndhakdvsnnd: im still here

katkittykat: omg hi!!!! im sorry i didnt mean to upset u can we talk abt it

ndhakdvsnnd: okay

sunspot: Do you really think we’re going to rat you out? We just told you how much we need you. Theres no reason for us to endanger your position we are trying to make sure you DONT get hurt

ndhakdvsnnd: okay. i mean i guess i just confirmed it for you.

katkittykat: we already knew lowk

ndhakdvsnnd: great

sunspot: Do you wanna talk about immunity then?

ndhakdvsnnd: i dont know what that means

katkittykat: hes askin if you want us to pick you up

ndhakdvsnnd: that isnt possible

sunspot: Are you sure? I’m confident we could work something out.

ndhakdvsnnd: no. you have no idea what youre getting yourself into 

sunspot: Alright. Kinda figured you’d say something like that. We had to try.

ndhakdvsnnd: thank you. i know you mean well but please dont waste any more time on me. just tell me what you need.

sunspot: I don’t feel right just taking from you constantly and not giving anything back.

ndhakdvsnnd: you wouldnt feel that way if you knew me. like i said its the least i could do.

sunspot: Okay. Well let us know if you ever change your mind.

ndhakdvsnnd: its not about me changing my mind im telling you its a logistical impossibility

katkittykat: y

ndhakdvsnnd: i cant get into it

katkittykat: :(

sunspot: We respect your silence on the matter then. Right Kitty????

katkittykat: haha yea whatever

katkittykat: we love u bby let us know if we can do anything

katkittykat: <3

[grotessquerie]

(ignore this) Reasons for me to stay alive

trying 2 not kms gets harder day by day so ^_^ some may be triggering so be careful <3 hidden under cut because its kinda long

all the canes i could eat if i didn't die...

my friend is either gonna buy me a 12 pack of a&w zero sugar root beer OR a three finger combo from canes when he gets the money

my ex (for multiple reasons, most of which revolving around "he could love me again one day")

my friends who come to me when somethings wrong/they just wanna hang out bc they feel down

adding on to reason 4, those friends would have basically no one to talk to about their problems because You know they come to me for a reason (their other friends don't take it seriously, don't seem to care, dont listen/dont give good advice, their friends jst dont like talking abt stuff like that, et cetera yk)

i like masturbating idk

i like to look at my body sometimes like i love my boobs i love my hipbones and my ribs and my collarbone

sometimes i do think im pretty

i wanna dye my hair all the colors someday (maybe all at once or maybe not, but i WOULD like to know what its like to have blue hair and pronouns)

i wanna get a diagnosis for (or to confirm that i don't have) whatever could be wrong with me and ill have to be 18 to be diagnosed with two of the possible disorders (which im NOT)

i wanna read all the books i think look interesting

i wanna write all the stories i think would be cool

i gotta outlive my great grandpa

i wanna make new friends like me and show them that they are capable of being loved and that someone actually does care about them

i wouldn't be able to play the games i like if i died

i wouldn't be able to doomscroll

id never be able to talk about myself again

i don't wanna fail and then wake up with terrible fucking stomach cramps like i did last time

id lose my 800 almost 900 day snapstreak with my dad (YES i use snap and YES i keep my streak w my dad going like its life or death)

i wanna be able to cut myself elsewhere on my body and NOT have it limited to just one ankle

i wanna get better at rhythm games

i need to finish all the shows i started and never finished (and find new ones to watch)

i need to finish reading the manga i never finished (and find new ones to read)

i wanna make a drawing that's so good that im proud of

i need to make more bracelets and kandi and charms

i like to collect trinkets and if i died i wouldn't be able to

my baby blanket

my stuffed bunny (unnamed)

i actually love big red zero sugar :drool: so good

i still need to try all the different kinds of macaroni

i need to become fluent/conversational in other languages besides English and german

if i ever do move on from my ex, i wanna experience falling in love again and ill do it right this time

i still have so much love to give and so many tears to cry

i need to be nicole dollangangers #1 fan

i wanna listen to all the music and find new artists i like and new songs and everything

my momma :(

the little kitty thing i keep on my laptop (she js sits there, isnt connected or anything)

i wanna find more cute clothes to wear

i love jokes i love to laugh

i either wanna be able to see myself lose more weight or recover from my ed

i wanna be clean from sh someday

i wanna find new hobbies that i love

i NEED to read the entirety of The Meg series (yes this is separate from finding new books to read)

i NEED to rewatch The Meg and The Meg 2 until I've seen them both 100 times (i LOVE the meg)

the poptart flavors I've never tried

the zero sugar drinks I've never tried

the people i could meet in the future

the pets i could own in the future

giving myself a chance at recovery for everything (Ik i said it already but its alright)

i like naps

[blukutz]

i might actually cry

the preorders for ame nen ends in JST, meaning i probably wont have any time to buy it tomorrow. goodsmile us wont accept paypal, and goodsmile global wont accept paypal without a card attached. i cant make a cash app right now or in time just for us, and there wouldn't be a way to move my paypal balance over to it. crunchyroll store doesn't accept paypal on preorders. i dont know what to do anymore

i just wanted a nen of my comfort kin while she was still cheap, and now i feel genuinely hopeless

please someone tell me what to do

[poniko-w]

Sorry if this is out of nowhere, but thank you quite genuinely for the adubachi brainrot, even if it is uncontainable, as just seeing it on my dash brightens my day vro 💖 the rot has spread also 🔥🔥 i dont know how to elaborate on this. its good its awesome, and i love wretched characters who love and hate

when i first started posting about adubachi as much as i did i wasn't even sure if people would genuinely like it or if i'd just come off as weird so getting this ask made me really happy.. thank you.. but also you're welcome i guess..? idk doesnt feel right to say just one or the other. i will never shut the fuck up about adubachi!!! i was sentenced to 8 long months of being too scared to talk about my genuine favorite ship on tumblr and now the beast has unleashed!! 😁 *sees opportunity to ramble*

*goes on semi-related but mostly something completely different ramble* and i am so so happy that other people love it just as much as i do even if im almost certain im the most annoying person about adubachi to roam this planet. i do not stop talking about it. all of my aus have a variant of adubachi when i dont do that with literally any of my other ships!! these girls have taken over my brain!!! seeing just how much more popular the ship has gotten over the past few months makes me so happy. i've had a lot of people attribute that to me but i honestly think it was smth a lot bigger than that.. i might be the most vocal adubachi fan.. like, ever, but i still think other people who've posted art of them (who are my mutuals that im somehow too shy to mention by name? im going to be so embarrassed if they read this and realize im talking about them) still deserve just as much credit.. i think the only difference with them and me is i never shut the fuck up about adubachi in particular because of jst how long ive been waiting to talk about them, ill make longass textposts about them(like this one) or draw them doing literally anything. someone could ask me to draw adukin and bachikin folding laundry and i probably would. other people still think about other things. my brain is mostly or even just almost completely occupied by adubachi. nothing will ever get worse than my complete and total love for kashikin but my fucking god has adubachi gotten extremely close. sorry about the big ramble i completely lost it for a minute there. i need to learn to shut up... this isnt even as long as some of the rambles i send to my friends about my stupid little random adubachi scenarios. thats scary. i talk too much i need to never speak again

[selfship-help]

hi, i am very new to all this. ,sometimes when i look at selfship accounts and their rules/dni’s i sometimes see that they say stuff that sounds violent towards ‘doubles’, iirc doubles just mean other people that selfship with the same person/character? I understand some people see their f/o’s as real people that they are dating but to wish death on others that ship with ur f/o and even say stuff like ‘i hope you (doubles) burn in a dumpster fire’ (it sounded hsrs from memory) feels weird and gross, without saying anything that could potentially trigger nonsharers.

i dont wanna assume all nonsharers are like this so its correct to assume the stuff i listed are just bad people/behavior in general right? Idk.. /genq /gen (and also the dumpster fire one isn’t directed at anyone on here, its jst a example)

hi anon! i would hope you nor anyone else would assume all nonsharers are like that! because really, the only nonsharers ive had the pleasure of meeting have been very kind and respectful. even if they need to vent / rant on their own time about doubles, that doesn't make them bad people.

and i try to give those who do post a bit of more aggressive things about doubles the benefit of the doubt. as someone with BPD it's such an intense feeling in the moment and they might not have any other option of an outlet. as long as no one is genuinely getting harassed, you know? if they were saying this kind of stuff to a double it'd be a different story. but usually that is not want i see at all. i hope this helps! - mod ☁️

[fuckin-pistol-whipped]

mari i wish i knew in real life i feel like u would’ve healed me just by verbally speaking to me i love u

lifes so hard im also thinking abt kms these past few months hard but our shit household doesn’t believe in that therapy bullshit unless ur banging ur head until u knock urself out then u might have a slight issue but nothing big tho! i hate them the all the only thing that’s holding me back is i never lived life yet, not enough, and i know later on they’ll just forget all about my death all together and ill regret it even when im 10feet buried deep. im just a teenager and maybe thats normal but i know what they are as parents are only neglectful and narcissistic who deserve nothing but hell sometimes its horrible when i think this but js right when im about to go to sleep i cry and wish i had a life like yours. its retarded bc im sure u deal with bigger problems in this life since ur older than me, its just the freedom is all i ask for, im rotting in an actual prison and u cant just report here because it seems normal to do to ur kids, theres no running its either my prayers get finally answered or i kill them all and myself after.

sorry for dumping all this on u i js been noticing this pattern where i subconsciously think about u righttt before i sleep wishing i was in ur friend group or something it sounds so dumb but i literally cry for it😭😭 u make me feel happy mari and comforted in a way i love you 💗

fr 1 don’t ya apologize fr dumpn on me , ya clearly need it off ya chest & ther ain’t non wrong w that . im here 2 listn 2 ya  . it’s rlly sweet ya think like that , m jst glad 2 give ya any kinda comfort . ya deserve it. ain’t mucha friend group here, jst me , my homie (kinda a pet atp) & my girl. plus a couple bandmates that give half a fuck on a good day. but we’d b glad 2 have ya round im sure. love ya 2 

fr 1 im real sorry yr household’s like that, i livd in sum th same way , group home was like that 2. those kinda homes yaint livn & ya definitly not breathn . shit jst drowns ya real slow . i get  it, rlly. & it don’t help bein a teenagr, rlly is 1 th worst parts yr life is gonn b those yrs. had a fostr dad when we bn real little , we stayd close til he died . but he was abt 50-sum & always said his teen yrs were th worst of his life & he ain’t rlly feel alr w hisslf til round 25 , gotta lot bettr by 30. ya got time. 

& yr rite, as a teenagr ya rlly haven’t lived yet (er shouldn’t have , coz if ya did ther’s a good chance that wasn’t good livn). ya got a whole world out ther, kid & ther’s parts of it i rlly think anybody should see bfor they die. & fr fucks sake ya deserve 2 see it . i was talkn abt it w my man Val th othr day, but 1 th scariest parts of life is also th vry reason ya should keep on livn & it’s that ya nevr kno what’s gonn come next fr ya. i ain’t gonn promise yr life gonn get bettr any time soon , but i kno it ain’t gonn b like this fr evr. ya gonn get away from yr home & parents , ya gonn see th world & meet ppl that r rlly gonn love ya . ther’s 8 billion of em out ther, & sum em r waitn fr ya. 

ya gonn b free sumday, i kno it. but trust me it ain’t gonn b w a life like mine. poverty & parenthood alone takes alotta freedom. & i may not have 2 answr 2 parents which creates th illusion of freedom, but i cant evn leave my own bedroom, much less my home, sumtimes fr days on end coz my girl forbids it. i love hr 2 death & im probably gonn marry hr whethr i like it er not, but th fact is she got me on a leash w a muzzle on  & its sum she bn workn on since i was abt 12, she was abt 16. yea i can do all th drugs i want & i can drink & my ma’s dead & my dad’s in prison so ther ain’t non they can do. but this ain’t a life i wish on nobody 

that said dont ya dare go comparn yr problems 2 mine er non. ain’t no competition & if it hurts ya , it hurts ya. that’s all that mattrs. & ya don’t deserve 2 hurt. ya seem like a real good kid & i hope non but th best fr ya . wish i could tell ya exactly when things r gonn change fr ya jst as much as i wish i could force it all 2 change . fr now jst try & promise yrslf ya rlly gonn live yr life bfor ya go. love ya & please try 2 take care yaslf

[wonderxshows]

how would you rate every a' song & ciel song ever! looks

yippeeeeeeeee !!!!!! heart heart

ill start with ciel bc he has less songs lol

Ache&Deny – worlds most predictable baby ( me ) ok anyways im just a reallly big sucker for kenns vocals in this song. the guitar Also gets me so bad really fucked up how its Always there . even when the loud drums come in . eheh :my eyes tear up: i dont have any comments for the lyrics unfortunately ( mg illness doesnt allow it . . . )

Heaven's Door – i really like the instrumentals for this song also . also always a big fan of when lyrics reference religious concepts and stuff like literally wahtever ( htis is just like hanadoll . sorry )

BLACK ANTHEM – religious concepts again. hi i think hes so interesting stares off into space did you know that die fledermaus is thw name of a german operetta . which im pretty sure is why in the intro ( and the instrumental breaks ) there is the opera like singing. so cool right thumbs up emoji

LUV (Your) StiNG – i just think he sounds really good in this one . no further comments :scratches head:

Vibes – i actually reallly lvoe the lyrics of this song it sucks i cant place it higher . sinc ehe only has five songs. bursts into tears sorry ok also random but it just feels really criminal for vibes ro be last. i love this song i just love the others more for various reasons waaaahhhhh

aaaand for a' 👍 im so excited for his headliner release in :checks calendar: october . strained smile

Pinch102gou – worlds most predictable baby pt2 ( its still me ) i dont even have a really good explanation other than the instrumentals have kept me captive for literally forever. oh yeha and i rlly kimuryos vocal performance its very cool . . . the lyrics are ❓️ if im being honest.i still dont know what he meant but its fine. i like it i dont have to understand

SorakaraHuruYume – this song makes me want to shatter into ten billion pieces i have a hard time listening to it purely bc it makes me stupidly emotional whej i thinkna little too hard in fact i havent even fully listened to it in a while bc i keep skipping and avoiding it cause i get really sad LMAO im ill

THE MIRROR HOUSE – this peaked i love it veryvery much the contrast between it and sorakarahuruyume is wild to me. anyways tho i like to look at the lyrics and jst sit down and think a bit its his second song talking abt mirror images . . . hrmmm

Kamukamu Miracle – I LOVE THE LYRICS FOR THIS SONG. theyre truly as fun as the instrumentals if we ignore his mental health streaks . its season one :] hes just a sillyguy :] and whatnot anyways this is Truly a nsfw song to me heart heart

RE:Morse – big fan of mirror imagery and stuff. i feel liek the lyrics here are an interesting glimpse into how a' views himself and his issues . . . . not rlly sure how to articulate my thoughts on this aside from theyre just kinda Separate from his identity raaaahhh what am i saying

Dakara Onegai Dakara – this song fucks i think it should be listened to more 👍 the lyrics are surprisingly ( or not rlly surprisingly bc this is a' afterall ? ) serious despite his instrumental whimsy what do you mean do you want to kill yourself why are you asking us man /silly

Masaka no Massacre! – worlds biggest sin is that i have literally never been able to find a tl for this song. who cares tho ig it can still be peak to me

Papipupepo de Rarirurero – no one loves this song like me. itd be second place if not for factoring in lyrics . the lyrics are ok papipupepo and rarirurero are really fun to say tho and i can spell it out without having to double check myself anymorw . heh

Yoiyami ni ainori – i looooove how this song sounds . nodding the lyrics are also interesting to me with the various meanings of some phrases in it

Crazy≒Nutrient – i rlly like how it sounds. im not gettung into the lyrics :seal eyes:

#HAPPY – the lyrics for this song are really sweet to be honest. a' happiness ambassador . . . . . . . . . . . . . . i like this song 👍 to be honest maybe it shld be a little bit higher but the instrumentals dont strike me as much as some of his other songs and such . but yes i think everyone shld read the lyrics nodding

Calling Cat – everytime i listen to this song i think of lady gaga im sorry anyways its a very solid song tho i think the lyrics are an interesting read . glimpses into his strange as fuck mind as they say(?)

Ningen Yametatte yo – this song is Very heavy instrumental wise. i think it is neat still . . . yeah :]

Yotsuba CLOVER – i wish i liked this song more like. its very good its jusr surprisingly not up my alley . the lyrics are quite nice however so hearttt

Mirai e – this song is alright . j feel like id like it more if i cld find a tl for the lyrics WAAAAHHHHH anyways not too much to say i feel like unfortunately. i do like the music break its very fun sounding everything else was just Average for me. is this mean

S≠O≒S – waaahhh. i have a complicated relationship with this song. i think the lyrics are ok and the music is fun but i juust feel like his other songs are Better im sorry sos i still like you

KKK->E – another one i cant find a tl for my misery but its ok 👍 this one is a weaker a' song imo like i like it but its not very nsfw soundign thay sounds awful hello . you know i mean it just doesn't sound like their bands usual music to me

[badlydrawndoc-scratch]

don't really have time or energy to draw this right now so. you're getting it in writing instead

It's not your birthday. At best, you would call it a day that someone who was you once was familiar with.

One that he didn't like either. Sure, you'd pretend to be him for a bit, accept some birthday wishes for him. But it wasn't your birthday. Not to you, at least. You think they all understand, to a point. Dirk does, at least.

That was why you weren't prepared to humour this conversation.

TG: this is hal isnt it

TG: not mad jst

TG: how do i say this?

TT: It seems there's a fairly large chance you're accusing me of not being myself, based off of a totally bullshit statistic.

TT: Care to elaborate?

TG: if u want me to tell u happy birthday 2 i can lmao

TG: dont hafta be weird about impersonatin dirk for that!!!

TT: I...

TT: Sorry. Holdon.

TT: There we go.

TT: As I was about to say, it's not technically my birthday. It's Dirk's. I wasn't even created today.

TT: I'll relay your well-wishes to him whenever he returns. Don't need to ask me about it.

TG: hmm nah i think i like havin' a hold of u for this

TG: if ur like

TG: not REALLY him

TG: but have his memories and shit

TG: todays ur day too

TG: so happy b-day! im not takin' that back either!

TT: ...

TT: I should go.

TT: Dirk probably won't like me monopolizing his account, even if he isn't here.

TT: Thanks, I guess.

You log off without another word, back in your sort-of space. Maybe you'll check in with Jane in a bit. Maybe you'll go through the internet for no apparent reason.

You can't say that that made you feel human. Or that it made you feel better, but... it made you think. It made you feel something. That was a start, right?

---

A firm series of slaps to the back of the cue-ball/head drags you out of your reverie. It's Itchy, hand poised to continue slapping you if you don't acknowledge him.

"Apologies. I must have became lost in thought," you begin, "as tends to happen with the omniscient. That said, there are better ways to get my attention."

Itchy shrugs and tells you he doesn't give a shit. He was just the fastest. The Felt needs you for somethin'. Somethin' he can't tell you about.

"Vague and somewhat sarcastic as always, Itchy. Just get to the point."

He just tells you you're no fun, before half dragging you out of one of your many studies. The whole manor is technically your study. But especially this one.

Itchy only bothers to take you about halfway, to where Crowbar is standing and waiting. He hardly says goodbye before dashing off to who-knows-where, probably to cause trouble somewhere else.

You pretend you don't know what's being hidden from you. You could figure out, and in the back of your mind you have figured out. But surprise is an emotion you like trying to fake.

Sometimes you wish you weren't faking it.

Crowbar walks up to you, with some off-handed comment about how he didn't expect Itchy to get you there on time. Or at all. He can never tell. Nonetheless, he's slightly more gentle when he offers you his hand, like he's not about to effectively drag you across an entire manor.

You don't remember the last time you've had actual contact with someone in a way that wasn't violent. You're not sure it's ever happened, honestly. (In reality, you know that isn't true. You were an indigoblood once, you recall. It's not as clear as the other memories, though.)

Crowbar's hand is felted, unsurprisingly, almost like a pool table. Again. Unsurprising. It's never surprising, but you commit the texture to memory anyway, all but ignoring what he's actually talking about. Something about a celebration.

He says they got the table stickball table fixed, and your attention is drawn again.

"Just call it a pool table."

He says he doesn't feel like it. It's a ball you hit with a stick on a table. Ain't a pool in sight. You agree, silently. The Alternian names for things were as foreign as they were ingrained; you knew them as much as you didn't know them.

Eventually, you're led into what you believe is the living room, and Crowbar lets go of your hand. You don't immediately adjust to the lack of feeling in your hand, almost like you were... severely touch-starved, actually, or something.

That's ridiculous, of course. You aren't technically alive, even if you're not as "soon to die" as you once were.

Someone, you think it could be Quarters, explains that all the Felt knows it isn't technically your birthday, and that it's only such by a few tangents. (You mentally add on that you weren't even created today).

But, Quarters adds, you've been stuck in a rut of sorts for a while. It wasn't really anyone's idea, he says. But it was agreed that it might get you feeling better for a while.

And, for once, you feel surprise. You never thought that they actually cared. Or even noticed. You're just their boss, of course. You're hardly even there.

(You have spent the past few months only leaving the Manor when you absolutely have to.)

You can't say it makes you feel alive. Or better, really. But it made you think. It made you feel something.

And, as you're dragged to play table stickball with Trace and Sawbuck, you decide that's a start.

[wackpedion]

yknow how when uuuu make markus push leo and stuff carl goes next to him and calls him his little boy right well did u know apparently in the polish version he instead calls him 'his only son'???? like um. ok. that hurts

also jst gives a bit of a diff feeling to the whole thing cuz like. from other dialogues we know carl does see markus as his son. but him saying that in tht moment makes it look like. yeah he treats markus as family and like another person but ultimately he rlly only recognizes the actual living human being as his son yknow wht im saying?? it kinda almost feels out of character but whtever idk jst an interesting detail and doesnt rlly matter tht much cuz it makes sense theyd change it cuz in polish we dont rlly hav anything similar enough to 'my little boy' to refer to children thtd sound natural in the context of that scene

OH THAT IS INTERESTING.... does feel kinda ooc but like, can be excused with what you said about polish words. plus i thinkyou can interpret it as like, coming from being in a really high tense emotional moment. cuz ppl tend to say ooc or odd things they dont rlly mean when in such situations they aint thinking clearly

[theambitiouswoman]

hey,

idk if i should ask this but there's things really messed up for me and i really need some advice and get out of this.

*i always see many different kinds of posts about self improvement and self care and after seeing that i make many goals for myself that i will implement all of these. But i just dont know how to do these and how to start and what to start i just want to do all of the things in one day which i will never do.

*i am a high school student, this is my last year of school and also it is really important and this is the only very long vacation i got and i am very weak in studies also i have very less knowledge about many things (like i am just dumb?). My school is gng to reopen on 28 august and when my school is closed i planned various things that i will improve to do to improve myself and become a completely different person (like have a glow up). But i did nthng for like whole one month and just watched kdramas and stuff. i also have many things to study and complete stuffs.

*i jst dnt knw hw to do like planning and stuffs and do my works according to it. bcz i tried making notion templates regarding everything and do all the stuffs in one day and bcm a wonder women in one day but i did nthng. and then i deleted my whole notion page bcz i jst dk hw to do. i also tried bullet journaling that didn't work s well. i jst dk wht do everything is jst messed up.

*also i feel so embarrassing talking to someone verbally in english bcz idk i jst start saying nonsense words like i realy dk hw to speak english even though I've been speaking since i was 4.

*i am just struggling with all the aspects of my life. and idk hw to just start.

*also like i jst be scared to talk to someone or even speaking in class or anything i jst stand there being embarrased and getting weird looks from everyone in my class. no one even asks me anything bcz they know tht idk anything and everyone looks down at me like my own parents too.

*and my sleep schedule is also a mess rn. and like the whole day i jst keep making fake scenarios in my mind tht i dnt feel like i am in the prsent my brain jst gets numb and i dnt feel any thing in the present its jst like yea the prsenet is somewht gng on but i hv no idea wht is gng on i jst forget everything. this is gng on since many years. evn at school i jst dont listn to any lecturs bcz of this. i think my thinkinh capabilities has also gone. i jst forget things very easily.

*i wanna workout to remove my leg fat but i end up planning many thiings in one day like focusing my whole body this and that and then i give up that toooo.

i hope i get a reply from you :(

Hey! Just saw this part of your question.

I get what you're going through. You want to make things better, but you're not sure where to start.

If planning tools like Notion or bullet journaling don't work for you, that's fine. Try making a list or using your phone's notes section. That's what I do.

When it comes to talking in English, it's okay if you feel scared or mess up sometimes. You're being tough on yourself and caring too much about what others might say. This is something many people go through. But let's shift our attention away from others and focus on how you can handle this feeling of not being sure about yourself.

Are you truly putting effort into improving yourself, or do you give up as soon as things get tough? This matters a lot because you need to make a real commitment. If not, you'll just keep going around in circles of negativity. If you want to exercise, then go ahead and exercise. What is stopping you? Think about it? Just yourself. That is quite literally it.

If your sleep schedule is messed up and you feel disconnected, try setting a routine for sleep and doing things that help you stay present, like meditation or going for a walk.

I can tell you're feeling pretty down and everything seems gloomy right now. I understand, and it's not a good feeling. But there will come a time, and it looks like you're getting there, when you'll need to stand up and take charge of your life again.

If you really want to work on all of these things, you need to cut/stop doing all of the negative things you are doing now and only focusing on the version of you that you want to identify with. Change might feel tough, but staying stuck in one place is tough too. You get to pick which kind of tough you want to deal with.

I am going to teach you right now what you need to do if you really do want to work on yourself.

Write down things that make you feel not so good that you want to change.

Next to each item, write down how you can make these things better. For example, if you're not exercising enough, you could start taking short walks every day.

Forget the old version of you exists. Imagine you used to eat a lot of junk food and that made you feel tired. Decide that you won't go back to eating junk food even when you feel like it. You need to really have a vision for yourself and who you want to be. This is important because it will be how you motivate yourself.

Keep finding new ways to make your situation better. If you're trying to be more social, maybe you could join a club or group where you can meet new people.

Exercise and incorporate more healthy meals into your diet. Exercising will not only make you feel good but it will also help you look good.

Take care of your appearance. When you look good you feel good and vice versa. You will become more motivated and confident.

Stop procrastinating. Set realistic and achievable goals. This will help you boost your confidence as well as increase your levels of productivity and discipline.

Get hobbies. Learn new things, figure out your passions and pursue them. Live a life of purpose so you don't continue to feel like you are just floating through life.

Avoid negative content or really anything that no longer aligns with the version of you that you want to be. You want to change your life? You want to be a different version of yourself? What does that person look like? How do they act? What do they do? Your whole life should be consumed with those examples and those examples ONLY.

Learn a new skill and practice it daily. This will help you grow as a person. Develop critical thinking skills. You learn new things and become smarter. It will make life more interesting and exciting for you.

Keep promises to yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, who will? People will treat you how you treat yourself.

REPLACE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS WITH POSITIVE ONES. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself because you are listening and your mind is normalizing these ideas.

By doing these things, you can feel better, be more confident, do well in your tasks, try new stuff, have good relationships, make good choices, stay positive, and be someone others trust. It helps you have a happy life where you learn and grow while being kind to yourself and others around you <3

[obsessive-nd-bandagecovered]

I don't wanna pick out the over half the emojis for the questions I wanna ask so can you just. Answer every question on here. /nf

https://www.tumblr.com/obsessive-nd-bandagecovered/784459137797046272?source=share

6ayayayayayy!!! :DD kkkk!!! :333

🎨 How do you feel about fanart?

Awesome, adore it smsmsmsmsmmmmmm- theres so many versionssss and theyre all so PRETTYTTY. Esp when its chuuya/skk fanart but jst in general toooo

📝 How do you feel about fanfiction?

Same as fanart!!!! Aodre it and tis vvvv fun- speficially nd esp when abt chuuya/skk :3

✅ What does the fandom usually get right?

Hmmmm,,, generally ig a decent bit of like?? Hoe i live(d?)?? Like yeah i WOULD be buying cheap meals from the cornerstore and stuff instead of cooking,,, and yeah i am def breaking into Chuuya's house all the time, nd my bandages are infact Important To Me ✨️

❌ What does the fandom usually get wrong?

Uhhhhhh normally hoe i think ig? A lot of people do some really deep dives abour how i think/feel/ect and well- atleast for me/my canon it is often,,,,, not correct? Idk, i dont poke too much at Dazai specific stuff but like,, idk the empathy things and stuff a lot of people put into thwir dazai doesnt fit v much wjtb mine? Also tends to downplay how insane i am/can be i find,,,,,

🗺️ What do you miss about your world?

Chuuya!!!!! But also lowkey like,,,,, my life ig?? Miss knoeing what my job is and the people and stufff.... idk. My world was also a bit. Behind ig ? Current time?? Didnt have as much tech,, ehich ig i sorta miss

💔 Who are you missing right now?

Always lowkey mossing chuuya! But specifically no one else rn :3

🚫 Is there anyone you hope to never see again

Hhhhhh,,, tbh probablllyyy?? Like. Not genuinely "gonna block all tags" but like... idk. I'm a little wary of the idea of meeting an akutagawa or kunikida from my world i think,,, and i dont think id wanna see fydor again just for. Paranoia reasons

🔀 How canon-divergent vs. canon-compliant are you?

I like to think im pretty canon compliant! A lot of the stuff i do qualify as canon divergent is pretty small stuff so it doesnt feel v canon divergent- at least frm what is canon ! :3

⚧ What were your gender and orientation in your timeline; was your identity canon?

Ehhhh- pretty sure i was just. Cis in my canon & canon-canon? Or atleast that was all i could thonk of for it, ar the time i never really did any self searching for that- though i eoulda definitely loved neopronouns in my canon if i had found emmm. Orinetention also didnt think abt it, mostly just attracted to chuuya and good with anyone for sexual stuff-. Idk what it is in canon as nothing has reallllyy been confirmed, tho me ebinga womanizer is ig mostly true for both,-

💗 What helps you feel closer to your source (in a positive way)?

Oooh- tbh a xecent amt of stuff!! Most recentlu its been being able to feel like im presenting more mask a lot? And also!! I enjoy doing the think where i float in a pool like im dead (did this in source a lot)(havent done it recently but stilll-) & have a ran trrnchcoat i like to wear! Not from my point in canon/the timelime but still nice <3.

🖊️ Do you use your name from your source?

On here & on one or ywo other sideblogs yeah! Irl amd main blogs not so mjvj tho

👬 How do you feel about doubles?

Pretty fine??? Idk- i dont chat much with uh. Anyone from the bad fictionfolk community much tbh,,, have lik e no idea how to start the convos nd such but- generally dont mind too muvh? Only makes me feel smwhat awkward when dealing with other dazais who are like- in romantic relationships w/out chuuya but thats a personal thing so i jsttt leave it lol.

⭐ Is your fiction-based identity spiritual, psychological, or something else?

Probably smth else? Havent thought about iy too much!

🎙️ What's the biggest difference between you and your canon self?

Uhhhhhhh,,,,, tbh i dont. Know? Ig how much i care abt chuuya?? But idk it hasnt rrally been disproven in canon eitherr,,,,,. Ig the fact that i didnt attempt suicide as much???? Mainly. Fkr chuyya but that periomd has also Not Been Covered by canon so irdk... ig for currently i cant really yap abt suicide or sh v much / do anything bcs People Here Get Concerned nd i cant just wave it away as easily (yettttttt-) but thats not a my canon me vs canon me?

💞 What's the biggest similarity between you and your canon self?

LOVE OF SUICIDEEEE HATRED OF PAIN & ALSO LOVING BEING A LITTLE SHIT <3

❓ Do you prefer when people are familiar or unfamiliar with your source when they meet you?

Havent really told most people abt my spirce, and tbhhh i tjink? I would prefer jt if they were atlwast less farmiliar with my spurce bcs like. A Lot of people seem to have dazai as their fav character/blorbo/simping for prsn, and stuff and while thats all fine and cool, it makes it. Feel vvv hard to even mention the fact tagt Hey Thats Me Btw

👍 What's your favorite thing about your source?

Chuuya 👍. Also the rivers there

👎 What's your least favorite thing about your source?

Rats 👍. Also Not Being Ablr To Die

💸 Do you own any merch of your source?

Some actually!!! I have a small chuuya poster & two mini chuuyas!!!!!! Plus a cosplay chuuya wig lol-

🌸 Do you feel comfortable in your fiction-based identity?

Iiiiiii have no idea,,,,,. Sorta??? Igggg?? Idk. Sometimes i am nd sometimes im not.

🌻 Who are you open with about your fiction-based identity?

Snepord moot! And like. Uh no one else i think. Ig if anyone's on here/finds tbis blog then thrm too!! :3

Anywayyyyall done :33

[devoutgirl]

i cut him off

idk if i have bpd. some symptoms align and others dont. maybe i'm jst one of the more extreme adhd cases? it's the empathy i struggle with. i feel nothing for anyone. i feel very little for myself a lot of the time. i'm too scared to bring it up to my parents. i dont want them to know i feel this way cus they'll obsess over it. although i think they know ive been depressed for a long time ... or at least that something hasnt been quite right.

im back to obsessing over helena. i want that life; happiness, beauty (not just physically, but mentally, and in my experiences and environment), intellect.

i'm reading again. i want to have finished perfume by the end of next week. then i can finally buy and read the catcher in the rye.

i could be skiing the week after next. it might be good for me. i don't know how much work i'll get done. i have mock a-level exams after the easter holidays and i'm incredibly stressed. there's a sort of academic rivalry unfolding between me and a couple of friends. i want nothing more than to beat them. i hate being viewed as inferior. my superiority complex suffers and that, in turn, leads to my suffering in general.

[withoutapproval]

peter i miss you so kuch but i need you to understand how hurt ive been by a lot of your behavior and my 21st bday ks a huge example of that and even before when we were teenagers you were really supportive of me but you werte also very rude to me and it just got worse and then you got with riz who is even ruder than you are they are so fucking passive agreesive to me i know they hated me from the moment we met and sidnt want me there and you didnt want me there either i dont know if you jst want a best friend whoa has always been there but im not a very good person theres a reason why i lost all my drienfs inlost aiden i lost isabell i lost tay i lost monica i lost shaylee i lost ally i lost so many people i lost so many friends and nico and tristan are dating and i want to be happy for them theyre a good couple hut instead i get triggered because like i know you tried i know you tried really hard to not make either of us feel lesser than but you didnt try with me at all you hid fron me i was right everywone treats me like oim sharp and im sharp im covered in spikes and razors and i hurt when anyone wants to get close to me i hurt them because i hate myself too much to see myself happy and see othwrs happy without me because it makes me feel wortheless because im a worthless fuxking person yoy heard it hesre vuys sarah medeiros is a worthless fucking person and a terrible friend and i would kill her if i had the chance but shes not even good at cutting herself and shes too kuch of a coward to kill herself and shes broke and bad with money and bad with friends and bad with work and bad with fucking everything. im surprised shes even made it this far she should fucking die thats me. i know i have bpd or something like that inknow i do and star kelly gave it to me she gave me fucking bpd or soemthing she ruined my fucking live her and vaughn burns fucking raped me and sexually abused me and emotioanlly abused me and psychologicallt abused me and star was the worst meanest most awfulperson ive ever met and she ruined me shes making me just like her im turning into her. viktor

[beeismessingaround]

Its 2 am and i am really bored let me answer some of these 😋

DR type related !!

1.My fav DR changes like every week currently it's probably mha tho

2.My weirdest DR is probably Jonh wick idk why i made a john wick DR but like its there

3.I have a hermitcraft and dsmp crossover DR lol

4.Im kinda nervous for my star wars DR because it is ALOT

5.My first ever DR was my mcu one

6.Honestly im not sure😭

7.So okay i have a fame ,boarding school ,college ,streamer ,fantasy ,cottage core and weirdly a Fae DR but like THOSE fae fics from the mcyt fandom with the sbi

CC Related !!

1.16/17 idk i kinda lost count

2.Nope

3.I scripted some beef with a girlie named Sarah in one of my DRs and i also kinda have beef with bakugo in my villain mha DR

4.so im really excited to see my girlie Mina and obviously my s/o kats or shigaraki in my other mha DR

5.I will update this when it happens 😭😭

6.So my friendgroup is basically the bakusquad and we are...very problematic Ig were supposed to be really well known in UA but its for some really peculiar reasons, its cuz like Katsuki is always angry, and Sero cussed this one bitch out, mina is always in every drama possible, denki is like struggling for his life with his grades and i once fell off the ua roof so like uhmmmm

7.So my family in basically my mom who's a pro hero and my grandma who's baddass, and then my 2 sisters who are like very young still althought i really wanna shift to find out their quirks

8.Probably Stain, or AFO or the doctor guy and possibly overhaul so yh quite alot actually

9.So in my hero DR its probably Mina,Aizawa and allmight because theyre so sweet yk dadzawa and dadmight and i have daddy issues

Miscellaneous !!

1.I have a DR which is basically a self-insert into those sleepy boys Inc found family fics and its really detailed

2.It was last night and I don't know if it was necessarily connected to my DR but class 1A was there and we were on a school bus but the bus was invisible so we could see all around us and the only we could see of the bus was the seats and some engines basically we were jst chilling and I was talking with some girl on the bus and then the bus fell off a cliff 😭

3. I don't really know I'm still trying figure that out

4.Probably when Bakugo confessed to me in the middle of a fight we were having, also shigaraki holding my through a crowd which is something I would've never imagined he would be comfortable enough to do but okay

5.I don't really script those but I can play electric guitar and violin and ice skating

6.I feel very connected to these fantasy worlds and ever since I was young and I used to daydream I was in them all the time and make characters and write self-inserts and shifting allows me to be there. I normally used to daydream to escape from my home situation and with shifting I feel like I can make little me happy by having gotten out of that home situation and making all her daydreams come true

7.In my villain DR, shigaraki gets like manipulated by AFO to do smh and the lov don't agree with it so while the heroes are trying to stop shigaraki's little evil plan the league is very confused cuz we don't support shigaraki's plan and we know hes gonna get hurt in the end but also we're not a fan of heroes. But in the end Izu is trying to beat shigaraki and there's this huge storm in the sky being caused by a machine and izuku's like "I could beat shigaraki if only the sky was clear" or something like that and little attention whore me scripted that i ran infront of izuku and started flying up at manipulating the sky to clear up and izu was like 😮 and I was sent him on his merry way yk like "Go!" but asked him to please spare shigaraki and he did so all is well but yh

8.Honestly I dont know I'm hanging by a thread on my shifting motivation right now

9.No although I want a snake but I'll get it when I'm there lol

10.if im I'm cuddling someone I'm always comfortable and so are they and i dont feel their breath of me idk why it bothers me the breath thing but it just does (and i fall asleep easily that's also a good thing to script)

That's it I think anyways I'm probably gonna go shift now 😗

Reality shifting ask prompts! Reblog this to encourage your followers to send you any of these asks ☺️ (you can always say no to answer some of them obviously!!) (and this includes me, you can send me asks too 🤭)

🏡DR TYPE RELATED🏡

🏰 what’s your favorite DR?

🛸 what’s your weirdest DR?

🎡 do you have any crossover/AU DRs?

🏔️ which DR are you most nervous to go to?

🛤️ which DR have you had for the longest time?

🏖️ which DR is the most comforting when you think about going there?

🛶 do you have any DRs that are NOT based on fictional worlds or some type of fame DR or waiting room?

👯 CC RELATED 👯

💕 how many S/Os do you have?

💍 are you married in any of your DRs?

🩴 do you have beef with anyone in your DR?

👑 if you have shifted, who was the first person you saw when you got to your DR? If you haven’t shifted, who are you most excited to see?

🧦 if you have shifted, are there any unknown/side characters that you made friends with?

🤝 what’s your friend group like?

👥 who is your family in your DR, if you have one?

🧛 is there anyone in your DR who scares you?

🫶 who is your favorite person in your DR that is NOT an S/O?

👜 MISCELLANEOUS 👜

✍️ which one of your scripts is most detailed/you’re most proud of?

💤 what was the last dream you had that was related to your DR?

🪁 what’s your favorite method?

🎭 what’s your favorite scenario that you have scripted?

🏄 what are some unnecessary talents that you have scripted for yourself?

🍭 what are you most looking forward to when it comes to shifting?

☀️ why is shifting important to you?

🌍 what’s the most “center of attention” scenario that you have scripted?

☔️ what helps you not give up when you have failed attempts?

🐶 do you have any pets in your DR?

🧃 what’s something you think everyone should add to their script but no one thinks of?

[hazardwieif]

bhelep i wanna draw but i have no clue what to draw and also i feel the strange need to take a shower right this instant bceause my hands are slightly greasy (i ate a croissant) . i dont know why im posting this statement i jst felt like i had to

[imuploading]

I know making art for the appreciation of others is a waste of energy and time but looking back on a lengthy ass career of jst shit thats never really been realized because i moved on or something else distracted me gets so disheartening so fast. seeing people just come out with their entire shit figured out in 1 second and can connect with people immediately and ive been in this shit forever still lost still have basically no allies i dont know what is missing in me that other people even of my peers seem to have innately. if i didnt love this shit with all my heart id have given up entirely by now but this path just feels like a path of pain sometimes. i wish i knew i was going in the right direction for once. born alone die alone