#i dont know how else to explain things
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hand over the confession then queen
safe space
IM BROKE SO I MADE A PATREON THERE I SAID IT
this is my own personal crisis, i mean I said everything i make will always be free, so what changed????
basically im unemployed. and i have been relying on my partner for,,,,everything. I cant hold down a job because when i try to work a 9-5 I absolutely lose my mind and enter a really bad place. so instead of that, i need to find ways to be self employed
this is me trying to do that. and listen, i feel awful about it but i cant sit here and let my partner take care of me when I cant do the same for him, he got laid off in january and I have been unemployed since i moved in with him LAST YEAR.
so yeah, im apologizing for opening patreon again when i was so against it for years, i had reasons why i didnt want to open it but those arent important anymore, i need to be an equal to my partner, he is not my caregiver
plus, i did dream of getting into animation, maybe this can help
#i literally hate monetizing my content#but commissions isnt enough to survive y know?#i cried over this ngl#but i feel terrible about saying that everything will always be free and then......switching up#sorry for the rant#i dont know how else to explain things#im not good at being professional like that#asks
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"it must be the caffiene."
"...? we didn't have anything caffinated?"
//
CHILAIOS WEEK DAY 2 : Changeling
HI THIS IS SUPER LATE BUT ART HAS BEEN. HARD. AND YES I SKIPPED ONE DAY THAT ONE IS GONNA GO LAST BECAUSE ITS TAKING SO LONG TO MAKE.... ill get to the others when i find the time.
Bonus :
#its been soooo long since ive made a finished artwork... or at least it FEELS like so long#i just keep starting new things and dropping them that i cant remember the last time i did something finished even if its recent#anyways. deadlines always make me stressed so i had to give myself/get 5093839 peptalks to finish this#ANYWAYS ANYWAYS.#look at these disasters#the 'half-foots can hear heartbeats' headcanon is one of my favourites of all time#i think about it alot....#also by the way. yes they imagine themselves here as normal but with the other's clothes.#i dont know how to explain my thoughts on it so just take it as you will#GRRGHHKKK IM OBSSESSED WITH THEM#chilaios week#chilaios#chilchuck#chilchuck tims#laios#laios touden#aaaand im not tagging anything else out of embarassment
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wont have time to work on anything for a few days probably, so uh, since i love reading comments/tags of people sharing their experiences- as part of the preparation for the totk rant script i got another question to ask :3
if you dont like tears of the kingdom, was there a moment that "broke" you, as in, the moment you knew this game is worse than you thought/hoped, and if so what was it?
personally, while i was suspicious after seeing its last trailer, i told myself its just me again and i kept up my hopes for a long time into my playthrough- its hard to point to a specific point since it was a growing feeling of something being off, things didnt make sense and i ever so more wondered how they would pull this all together (they didnt)- i do think the moment i stopped being in denial about it was when i found the shrine of life, the beginning of botw, and found .. nothing, a dingy cave practically licked clean of any traces of the shiekah tech like it never existed, instead of the medical bed a pathetic puddle of water that healed you, no one caring at all, like it actually never happened- i felt like the game pointed and laughed at me for caring about botw, pretty sure i was struggeling to keep it together on stream bc it forced me to realize this game truly is everything i hoped it wouldnt be, even if that sounds a little weird, at that time zelda and especially botw was so much more important to me, a passion for the franchise this game really did end up killing.
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#totk critical#i probably wont be gettign as much response as back when it was newer and the rage was fresh (lol)#but you know#its interesting to know that#to be fair the game was filled with disappointments but i think that part was what really broke me#in the sense of .... well as i explained#okay this is bad ... is it gonna get worse (it will)#idk it was so devasting to stand in that stupid cave and all there was was what .. one dumbass construct with a yiga thing?#in a “secret” extra cave#and i think there was a big sea of healing water beneath it in the undergroudn as well#which felt like even more of a FUCK YOU to me bc oh .. so the sonau/zonai discovered that first like everything apparently#and also i guess it wasnt shiekah tech that made it possible no no its just dumbass healing water shuuuuut up#i hate how totk basically undermines everythign the shiekah achieved by saying - well the sonau were there first and did it better#on top of kinda .. stealing their symbols too in a way#anyway- other than in skitties video and for them that moment being the labyrinths which ... yeah#i think i went there later so i was already in >:( mood#i dont remember anyone elses but that might be my memory- either way im gonna keep this posts link so i can go back if need to
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#i also have a hunch bsd hasnt really changed some peoples lives in the way asagiri initially intended but who knows //// could you elaborate on this? im curious as to what you mean by that
iirc this was about how people find atsushi/the new chapters boring. Either way my response is the same really
There's a difference between anticipating something from a story, be it a theme to be discussed or a character, and believing the author intends to cater to your tastes specifically. A loud majority of readers tend to completely ignore what is ordinary progression of the manga and dismiss it as "boring" which baffles me, because it's anything but.
Asagiri made this story for those who are bad at living, and the recent chapters have made it explicitly clear yet it is not only not appreciated, but considered bad writing which?? Atsushi's need to believe in himself isn't a trope, it's something my own therapist insists on working on. It's a natural step towards progress and healing but a lot of fans (not all ofc) don't see that. Which makes me think it's not that they don't understand ordinary human progress but rather don't understand the message bsd is trying to send in the first place.
I reiterate: it's not a cardinal sin to read the manga for a fav character or literally anything else, but throwing aside the true aims for your own whims and entertainment then getting upset you didn't get that is absurd. Everything has a designated role within a story, and it's for the author to call, not the reader.
Tl;dr: to me it feels like some readers don't really connect with bsd's themes and whatever asagiri is trying to say and so focus on whatever flashy elements they're into, then get upset that's not what they're getting (and be particularly loud about it)
#crazy rant but i dont know how else to explain this#the whole point of bsd being tossed aside by unfulfilled fans will never not drive me up a wall#sorry you got a rant instead of a direct answer but i dont thing there is a direct answer to this#asks
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comparison!! yuu as I drew him in 2024, february 5th; and this panel from my latest post that just so happened to be drawn in february 5th 2025...
it has been a full year since i started to draw re:kinder like crazy www when drawing yuu i'd always reference one of my own drawings of him for consistency, yet even the way i draw him changed quite a lot www
but im very happy with it😊😊 thought id share this since im amused by the evolution of it
#my art#re:kinder#yuuichi mizuoka#that also happened to be the starting point where i started to draw rekinder like crazy#not the first time i drew it#but it was when my mind had finally set on. “yo...this...this is so peak i need to draw it really bad i have so many visions”#god bless you rekinder and thank you mr parun#imma be so real i have. GENUINELY no idea what i would be drawing if i hadnt played rekinder#what i was into drawing a lot beforehand was Earthbound but. unfortunate events happened that. kind off have soured it for me#even now im still shaken up by thay so . i dont think i would have really gone back to drawing it as intensely imma be real#so with that YEAH i have no idea what id be doing?? drawing my ocs maybe idk but what would i be doing with my brain#rekinder has become such a big comfort and part of my life now that its hard to imagine howd it be if i didnt play it#like indulging in something that comforts me in that way really helped me cope with my illness so. i genuinely dont know what id been doin#anyway fun fact i think its very apparent but the only thin that has stayed the exactly th3 same is the color scheme#which may sound strange but whenever i draw a new character im not one to color pick much rather i pick colors out for myself#in some cases its for value adjustments where id see it fit but mostly i think picking my colors making them my own is part of my style www#dunt know how to explain it but point is the colors have stayed exactly the same www#ITS FUNNT BECAUSE I STILL FOLLOW THE SAME METHODOLOGY I DID WHEN DRAWIN YUU LAST YEAR#i know visually they look different but i see my art with my hands#like. im not good at all remembering things visually and the way i make things stick is via hands and the way ive drawn yuu is the same#hand memory disc.... i think a good chunk of my long term memory is registered through my hands#i think if my hands were to be chopped off i would forget how to speak#but does that imply that if my hands were to be consumed or sewed onto someone elses arms they would gain the knowledge i save there#or is my elbow or full arm is needed to achieve that connection... like what if the rest of the arm if like. the torso to the brain of the h
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im having the worst body day in a good while in terms of pain but i refuse to lay down. for there lies the road to the devil (mental health spiraling with nothing to distract from it). i SHOULD cook. but im not sure ill be able to with the pain. especially since the pain is because it feels like literally nothing is sticking together, like im much more bendy and hypermobile and useless than normal, which severely affects both motor skills and body strength. not to mention that this is causing a bad jaw day where so chewing is pain cause i already cant keep it in place and keep my mouth properly closed. i keep complaining but like, holy fuck i want off this illness ride
#i wanna paint my nails also but i dont need to i just feel like it and also thatd cause worse pain but also hhrhgghh#glitter................. sparkles.....#but also i wanna shower cause im cold but i wont be able to stand up right now AND handle potentially passing out#id like to not slip and injure myself if i can at all help it if thats not too much to ask...#man im typing and causing myself pain from it but like what else am i supposed to fucking DOOOOOO#GGRRREAAAAAAAAA#im struggling to comprehend how its NOT the norm to be like this#like what do you MEAN this isnt the default human experience. what do you mean there are people who are free from this#at first i didnt understand i was fucked up because everyone told me im overreacting and everyone has it#only to find out that no they fucking dont and ive been damaged beyond repair trying to reach other peoples ability level#like how do you NOT feel angry and bitter about that? i dont WANT to be but abled people sell you a fucking lie#and then punish you for noticing signs that somethings amiss. and then YOURE the one whos demanding for being burnt out beyond repair#and unable to pretend youre fine and just like them for their comforts sake. god im sorry im just so#i cannot explain this as anything else but an ongoing process of grief and trauma and mourning#and i want to believe in reincarnation solely so that i could have another chance at life#where im not sick and forced to continue giving up the only things that made this pain at all bearable in the first place#im sorry ill be fine or rather i HAVE to be fine because otherwise i dont know what to do with myself and thats crushing me from within#silvi talks#i need a tag for my stupid annoying whining about my fucked up flesh lmao
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theres just so many interesting things you could do if you staged chimes of midnight tbh....
#two actors for edith (older and younger) and having the older sing behind other dialogue#separate actor for edward grove so when he possesses shaughnessy the two actors speak at the same time#to be honest you could have two actors for just about everyone except maybe the doctor#and probably not shaugnessy since he doesnt die. but whenever the others die have understudies either play the corpse or stand around in the#background outside the lights. so theyre just visible but clearly shelved#as the mystery gradually becomes clear slowly have the older edith shadowing the staff as they say things that were said to her#the screams when the older edith is explaining - just have younger edith and mary and mrs baddeley and whoever else offstage and scream with#with their mics off - then you get a surround sound effect too - esp if you have them offstage behind or to the side of the audience#YOU COULD HAVE A DOLLHOUSE IN THE PARLOR WHEN THE DOCTOR'S CALLED UPSTAIRS TOO#itd be even more effective if you showed it at the beginning#maybe as the audience is filtering in you just have the lights up on that set so they SEE it yk?#then once everyones seated have the lights go off suddenly (maybe even play the theme song)#idk how youd do the jam jar im not a theater person. maybe red fabric for the jam that can 'spill' all over charley in a concerning looking#way (that can look like how edith looks when she kills herself) but that doesnt necessitate a costume change or any sort of cleanup for the#stage itself. BUT. the problem is the jar. i wouldnt want to use breakaway glass bc 1) cleanup 2) id want to have something you could put#back together quickly that would be indicative of the time loop#but again im not a theater person so i dont know stuff maybe that would be easy and you COULD use breakaway glass. or whatever im NOT a#person who knows really much at all about theater#ari opinion hour
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been a while since ive had a spell of anxiety bad enough i genuinely can't tell how much im overreacting
#like AM i overreacting? almost certainly. are the REASONS for being anxious valid? might be tbh!! but then again maybe not#i really really hate this. i hate not being able to judge what is Reasonable what is Rational. most of the time although i cant dispel#the anxiety i can still on another level know that it is irrational and that tempers the effects. not this timeeeee#meeting with my mentor tomorrow im going to try to get things as clear as i can to move forward i just dont know if ill be able to make#myself explain how ive been feeling because im genuinely afraid ive been wasting both of our time by not taking enough initiative#like i think he thinks im much busier than i actually am but i have no idea what he thinks im Doing because he hasnt given me all that much#to do#(unless im missing something major which is very unlikely and not really worth worrying about i dont think)#but regardless i spend a Lot of my time just sort of whiling it away looking at literature that isnt really relevant scrolling thru shit i#dont care about on linkedin staring into space etc#and now the big meeting for the program is coming up and we still havent done the experiment we originally set out to do#and i really honestly think i couldve made more progress by now if id just decided to take things more into my own hands#but for some reason that didnt really occur to me until fairly recently and now it feels like too little too late#idk idk tbf im pretty sure most of the other people in this program have said they feel like they arent prepared for the meeting either#but like im unprepared for REAL for real and i know i couldve taken steps before now to avoid that#and yeah it comes down to feeling like ive wasted time and resources that couldve been used better by someone else#because they SHOULD be used i dont hate my job i dont hate the project or the program i think theyre all worth while#but somehow im just not transferring that into my day to day#BLEH. maybe hopefully i can get on a clearer track for the next month or so at least with this meeting tomorrow#personal tag
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i love being autistic cause sometimes i get a glimpse into how regular people perceive things and its like. what the fuck. what the fuck is that? you live like this? and its normal?? i think YOURE the weird one actually. im fine. thanks though.
#THERES SO MANY WEIRD RULES#LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE WALKS LIKE HUH????? WHY????????????#can someone fucking explain the dude head nod thing to me why do we do that. whats that about. ive never seen anyone do that irl before#is that an american thing or do i just hang around too many afab people#i am learning the intricacies of cis people gender rules and i am. what fucking planet have i been on the last 17 years like what is this#was there some like. rulebook they handed out at somepoint they forgot to give to me or something#“best way to learn is to observe the men around you” OBSERVE WHAT. YOU PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT????#bruh i can barely make eye contact w people...#my ass has never intentionally copied someones mannerisms ever.#i do it subconsciously. but doing it actively feels weird and wrong and like im breaking someones boundaries#“men dont smile at people.” well they should.#ive decided cishet men are the most boring people on the planet#“dont move with your hands” YOURE BREAKING MY POOR THEATER KID HEART#i need to meet more gay men irl to absorb the vibe of cause i only know like two. not counting myself#i want people to look at me and go. ah yes. fruit.#at this point im just going to accept being misgendered for the rest of eternity. id rather die than be boring in the way cishet men are#my flavor of being trans is so influenced by my autism cause my perception of genders is completely off from what everyone else is doing#im like. yeah i want to be a man. and then i look at what the majority of men are actually like and its like. wait no. not like that#shoutout to flamboyant gay men where would i be without them#i think the thing that bothers me the most is that like#in my mind peoples genders are just. the way they express themselves.#its not like. this super big complex deal like how everyone else treats it. if that makes sense? like.#regular people have so many rules for what counts as a man or what counts as a woman or what counts as neither and its like???#you can do what you want???? why do we care????#and ive been doing this since i was little. on account of the autism#i just. dont get why its such a big deal to people.#i cant wrap my head around it at all#not nonbinary not a girl not aegender not a man but a secret fourth thing#(man but i do it my way instead of everyone elses way)#unfortunately doing it my way just. leads to the misgendering dimension. for some reason
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happy pride month everyone!!!
i've been looking at microlabels because i was feeling kind of inspired and i have been HORRIFIED to realize that one of MY microlabels has the most GOD AWFUL FLAG ive ever seen... i'm going to put it under a Read More because it's so ugly and because this post ISNT ABOUT HER, but i redid the flag myself, using some flower knowledge!
so behold!!!
the NEW AND IMPROVED.... SAPIO FLAG!!!
people who are sapio will start to feel a connection based on their partners' smarts and intellect! whether it's their verbocity, their quick-thinking, their mastery of their skill or interests, their certainty and astuteness will amaze and befuddle their sapio partner (which, in this case, would be me!!!)
inspired by the noble and beautiful IRIS, an orchid which is associated with intelligence, connection, partnership, and equality (purple irises in particular are associated with passion, the mind, and justice)! I literally just color-picked and adjusted it to be easy on the eye
so if you're like me and you've been wanting to rock a sapio flag that doesn't look like dogshit, this one's for you! go forth and use it to signal your appreciation/love/attraction to your clever-as-hell partner(s)!!!
original sapio flag under the cut... and no, i'm not joking...
THIS is the original flag. and brother... this is a face that only a mother could love 😔✊💔💔💔
#citrus rambles#happy pride 🌈#ive got a couple other microlabels i found that fit me - but all of them actually have very nice looking flags#no one knows who made the original sapio flag - but i was forced to do a little research when looking into it...#... and apparently the original was made by someone on reddit who color picked from pepe the frog???? of course - that's anecdotal...#...it entirely possible that whoever made it had a specific reason for the colors and never posted to reddit but i...#...coudln't find another story for it so!!! hell naw!!!#also apparently BEING SAPIO itself was apparently considered classist and people tried to change the name of it...#...but to be honest i think that's whack as hell. im not going to change MY LABEL because of connotations that someone else...#... made up because they wanted to be mad???? it seemed like most people who were against the term in the first place were...#... mad because quote unquote ALMOST EVERYONE WANTS AN INTELLECTUAL EQUAL...#...which - imo - isn't really what being sapio is about. don't get me wrong - i think i AM equal with all of my partners - but they...#...possess a singular knowledge or wisdom about things that i can't grasp - and it's inspiring and interesting to listen to them talk...#...and i think THAT is more about what sapio is. plus - i DO greatly value intelligence and maturity in my partners!!!#I dont think it should be CONTROVERSIAL to not want to date/deal with someone who's an idiot. im not interested in...#... spending valuable time and energy and affection on an adult toddler who can't listen to reason and who treats debates like...#... a domestic world war III - i shouldn't have to explain to a partner that the world is round; slavery is bad; and literacy is...#... important because its easier to turn ignorant people into impovershed people than it is to turn...#...learned people into impovershed people!!! i got better things to do with my time!!!!#also. please dont piss on the poor on my post. i know this is a robot blog but i wanted to have a little fun today asdkljaskd#also also. if you dont believe me about the original flag. literally just image search it with the term sapio. its so horrible.#i know that another flag exists for it already - but i think its also connected to the quote unquote NEW NAME for the label so...#...im not interested in using it.#also also also. sorry if i seem frustrated - i had no idea how much baggage was sitting on sapios until i started doing research...#...i dont doubt that there are classist and elitist sapios out there that are sigma/alpha-ing the hell out of the term...#... but thats not what most people who identify as sapio believe in - and throwing all of us under the umbrella of being...#... snobish assholes who hate poor people feels like it's in bad taste - considering all the ways that society in general throws queer...#...people under harmful umbrellas these days :/#plus. me and just about all my partners came from poverty - and i believe that they're smart as FUCK. being poor doesn't equal...#... being stupid. it just means you have to work harder to get to the same places that your wealthy peers get to go...
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i wanna post my skip to loafer art but i cant do it knowing ppl are gonna put it on tiktok and pinterest bc itd be like. bringing an invasive species ykwim
#my meds just kicked in so im feeling talkative but truly idk how to explain it#its like. with anything else id be more than happy to introduce it to ppl like monkie kid and mp100. witch hat maybe but its personal to me#but skip to loafer is special to me. and i feel bad for saying this bc other ppl do deserve to watch smth they will enjoy#hell the reason i got into it was bc my friend was kind enough to lend me her copy and i got hooked#its so ironic im saying this esp given how insecure i am abt depicting characters wrong. but i really dont want to look thru the tags#and see them on a 'can i copy your homework' tier list. or ppl getting mad abt why egashira mitsumi and shima cant just be a throuple#its just!! i wont stop you if thats how you like to engage with the show or how you interpret it bc ill just ignore it and leave u alone!!#and theres no objective wrong way of doing it!! and i know that interacting with the work is what forms a community after all!!#but keeping it tight knit is just easier for me bc nobody has to worry abt making each other laugh and we can enjoy it for what it is#fully aware im saying this as someone whos drawn monkie kid art with text post memes and owl house draw the squad templates#but at the same time i just. dont want to explain myself or give ppl reasons why shima and mitsumi are ace coded just bc it 'feels right'#fandom is a communal thing and it feels so hypocritical thinking this. too many conflictng thoughts that idk what to act on#yapping
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hey guys so I just started reading Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott and OMG AHSBNSBSBSNSNBSHZHSHDBFHGGHFHGRJ2KSHSBSNSK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THINKING ABOUT THE RELATIVITY BETWEEN DIMENSIONS!!!!!!
#probably the nerdiest thing i will ever read in my entire life but I AM SO HAPPY#Its the unabridged and corrected 1992 republication btw. if you wanna get specific#the only book in which i have actually decided to read the introductory notes and i do NOT regret it because the editor's one IMMEDIATELY#brought up the “oh but surely the second dimension has thickness how else would flatlanders see anything” AND GAVE A REALLY GOOD ANSWER.#which i cannot tell you here. bc it is several paragraphs long and idk how i would shorten it. i would hit tag limit. if thats a thing.#anyways. I'm only a little bit into the first part which basically explains how Flatland works as a society so i haven't even gotten to the#sphere yet but OH MAN I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED ABOUT A ROUND OBJECT IN MY LIFE#IM LOSING IT OVER THIS BOOK AAAA :D#me: im so glad i dont have a math class during my senior year! now i dont have to learn anything math-related!#also me: but what if i started studying a complex and almost entirely theoretical part of geometry#bc YEAH i didn't just buy this book bc of gravity falls. I BOUGHT IT BC IVE BEEN RESEARCHING THE 4TH DIMENSION WOOOOOOO!!!!!#one thing i will say i dont like. introductory note suggests the the 4th dimension might be time. this is ok tho bc its followed up with#also saying that time is not a spatial dimension and exist across the 0 1st 2nd and 3rd dimensions which. that epuld mean we live in 4d#already. so. i was worried for a second but THANK YOU THANK YOU OH MY GOD PEOPLE TRYING TO SAY “OH THE 4TH DIMENSION IS TIME” I HATE THAT SO#MUCH AAAAGGHHHH AT LEAST RECOGNIZE ITS NOT SPATIAL!!! TIME IS NOT A SPATIAL DIMENSION!!!!!!! IF IT WAS THEN 4D TRAVEL AND TIME TRAVEL WPULD#BE FHE SAME THING AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MUCH COOLER POSSIBILITIES WPULD BE THROWN AWAY IF THAT WAS THAT CASE!!!!! AND. AND. IF THE 4TH#DIMENSION IS TIME. THEN WHATS THE 5TH?? 6TH?? YPU CANT KEEP GOINF ON FOREVER LIKE THAT. YPURE JUST MAKEING MORE 3D WORLSS WITH STUFF IN#ADDITION TO TIME. INTERESTING BUT THAY IS NOT ABOHT HIGHRER DIEMSBSJSNSBAKAJSHDHDHHDHDHDJ#sorry for the rant. jsut. agh i want a spatial 4th dimension. i dont think tesseracts exist through time that would just be an aged cube#anyways yeahhh i love the 4th dimension. new hyperfixation or new special interest? ill have to wait and see. anyways i have done it i have#an oc whos 4 dimensional now and she is the coolest ever i love her#but yeah this book is sosososo good i am literally gonna bring it to school to read instead of draw bc i would lose it if i didn't#10/10 would recommend to anyone who wants to Think
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Cuz why tf do i have to do literally everything on my own without an ounce of any freaking help
#being independent is all fun n games#until you realize how freaking exhausting it is#explain to me how i as a college student#am supposed to come up with money#for a new car#& to move out#while also paying for my bills#putting gas in my death trap of a vehicle#as well as other things#WITH NO HELP#like fucc dude can i get a break#or like idk 2% of help#like what am i supposed to do here#i ask for help & nobody seems to freaking care#& i know the worlds not gonna stop spinning jus bc i want it to#but i rly dont think im asking for a lot here#like do i have to get into a rly bad accident#for anyone to take my car shit seriously?#i wanna ask for help but why ask when ive asked#a million other times#and it feels like ive received nothing#i know my feelings are not always the true reality#& i know people care#but fucc dude.#how many times do i have to complain about the same fucking thing before anything changes#why must i do EVERYTHING on my freaking own#& everyone else has parents or some form of fucking help.
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Annual review
The good: My chair has given me permission to devote one day a week to writing all summer.
The bad: My chair told me to dedicate one day a week to writing all summer and I dont know how to explain ADHD to her?
The Obvious: I need to publish more.
The ugly: "Publish more" probably means 3 papers in the next year, not including the ones that are currently in press or close to it. Gl get there, I asked for support from the free copy editors they offer if you have tenure. And she was like, no one judges you.
Uhh... Ma'am. Doctor ma'am. I have been judged my whole life against the standards of you non-dyslexic folks. Especially when my vocabulary outstripped my spelling. I paid money I didnt have for a copy editor on my disseration and it still had mistakes that my committee told me were "careless".
#pigeon the trainwreck#pigeon the postdoc#theres this thing about learning disabilities and education where eventually you fly too close to the sun#and the sotness of your wax varies but its never as good as everyone elses#and maybe you manage to stay low enough for a while and then just sort of droop#but you know the cold water is waiting#and the closer you fly the further you have to fall#but the water will take you#and like I dont know how to explain to my colleagues that I am appraoching my professional zenith#and by my colleagues measure I am a moderate failure#and by the measure of most people with my level of learning disability I am a bizarre success#although that doesnt get me the papers I need for promotion next year
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i really dont know how to say "even when i thought i was a girl i didnt feel like i was a girl" without it sounding like Common Trans Experience bc like. while i am trans, i dont mean it in a trans way. i mean it in an intersex way
#its a different feeling but i dont know how to explain it#& it wasnt even Drastic it wasnt like. immediately noticeable to anyone else. but there was just like. always this feeling of being#Inherently Different. like something that was Supposed To Be a girl but came out slightly wrong#(disclaimer i am not saying that is actually the case thats just what it FELT LIKE growing up)#anyway it probably did contribute to my being trans. but its like. idk its weird!!#i still feel a little weird claiming that label bc i know there is still some dispute over whether things like pcos count as intersex but it#seems like at this point the general consensus is that they do. and like i cant exactly say i had a Standard Experience as either a girl or#a transmasc person lmao so. yeah maybe its not as extreme as for some people but god damn if that doesnt sum things up u know#anyway. yeah. took me a while to figure out why saying that never felt like a Trans Thing to me. & why it never felt like i meant it the#same way other trans ppl meant it. didnt find out until i was in like my early-mid 20s idr exactly#despite having known i was trans since i was like 16.
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Hywel is inspired by a mix of my issues with stories with nonhuman protagonist/about nonhumans becoming human AND vet posts ive seen warning people about the dangers of anthropomorphisizing animals. Its fine to joke about your pets doing things out of spite or other human emotions, it does put you at risk of not being able to read their body language correctly. Cats dont cry out of sadness, a cat crying, with actual tears streaming down its face, is a sign of a medical issue. A dog smiling isn't doing it bc its happy, it means its nervous. Not being able to spot these is bad, and sometimes even dangerous, for you and the animal.
If you never get past Hywel's human appearance and treat him like one its like getting a reactive dog, doing zero research or training, and then taking it to a dog park. If Hywel mauls someone in town then its on you.
#hywel struggles a lot with good vs bad things specifically#he makes decisions based on what makes him feel good or bad (like most people) but#if you explain something being bad to him using emotional reasons (it makes you a bad person‚ its an awful thing to do‚ its gross)#he genuinely will not get it#he'll try to stop! just bc he was told to stop! but he doesn't know how to apply it to other situations#murder for example#he's immortal death doesnt have the same meaning to him#and he doesn't particularly care about people outside of arisen#they're entertaining he finds them fun. they're critters to him#but he's not bothered by them dying#arisen dying is bad bc it means he failed his charge. he cant die. regular people dying? eh whatever#so he doesn't really get why murder is bad#if ur in vernsworth and tell him no then he'll be like i dont understand but ok!!#its only bad in vernsworth bc thats where you said no at!! everywhere else is fine !#he's not trying to find loopholes!!! he genuinely doesn't get it and is doing his best to work with what he's given!!!#his way of thinking is p straightforward and logical though#so you have to explain stuff by how it effects him and how the cons of doing it outweigh the benefits#hywel u cant murder people you dont like bc if we allowed that people would kill merchants and then you couldn't buy stuff#anyway bonus scifi au stuff while im here#hywel would remember the time loops and would do whatever it takes to keep the crew safe#but the thing is. cosmic horror hywel doesn't really understand time or how the loops are fucking people up#he knows the false dawn losing its crew was bad. he doesn't understand WHY its bad‚ but he knows it is#and he loves this crew! theyre funny and some of them are fun to chew on. enrichment.#he's gonna do whateve it takes to keep this crew safe and together. on the ship. y'know‚‚‚ bc the other ship losing its crew was bad#restarting a loop means nothing to him. yeah he's gotta start over with his friendships but thats fun! enrichment!#hes a creature time means nothing to him#beginning of the loop all his friends are here :^) he's completely unaware of how its negatively effecting people#anyway i cannot stress enough he isn't doing this to be malicious he's just doing his best#someone would absolutely realize he was doing this early on and if you tell him to stop he will#but yeah better hope you can explain why he cant do that well enough or hywels gonna unintentionally find every loophole
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