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#i dont talk abt them as often as i should
marcmorrigan · 6 months
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finally delivering on the princess tutu headshots i promised... love these dysfunctional teens 🩰💖💕
LOTS of notes about headcanons/design choices under the cut! like. a lot. dont say i didnt warn you
starting with my specialest guy fakir:
i had a suuuper clear vision for fakir, and i couldnt be happier with how he turned out, he looks exactly how i imagine him! trying to translate his Bird-Shaped Hair into my style gave me SERIOUS homestuck flashbacks. my affinity for knights with Problems knows no bounds...
adding the hyperpigmentation around his eyes and his acne scars is what really solidified this for me-- i put those in and was like oh!!! there you are!!! my boy!!! and you can tell because i gave him acne scars + thick eyebrows that he IS my boy... there are very clear trends among my headcanons for my faves lol. big noses, thick eyebrows, skin imperfections, heavy eyebags, long dark hair... and fakir truly has it all 😤 he is so Ideal Character Design to me
i think fakir is actually pretty self-conscious about his appearance tho! we see characters like pike and lilie say hes handsome to ahiru, but i dont know how often he actually hears that? and im sure its hard not to compare himself to mytho, who is straight out of a fairy tale; being a regular teenager dealing with regular teen body stuff is hard enough without your roommate being a magically beautiful eternally youthful storybook hero. i think he probably internalises more that people see him as scary and angry, and that the girls who do have crushes on him always frame it in contrast to mytho, who is Good and Kind and Handsome, implying (or sometimes outright stating!) that fakir is Bad and Mean and... Well...
fakir is very sensitive but quiet about it, so i think its a very private point of self-consciousness. i think he puts a lot of semi-secret effort into his appearance; canonically he has a lot of very funny and clearly customised clothing, and he chooses to keep his hair long and in a very particular style (i have a whole breakdown in my mind of how he achieves that style and it involves a surprising amount of pins and an unsurprising fuckton of teasing. i think his hair is a little fried from heat damage!), and i think that probably extends to other things, too, like manicuring his eyebrows and doing a lot of very Teenage Skincare that doesnt actually help his acne much lol. i think he probably has a lot of self-injurious habits and BFRBs like skin picking and chewing, mostly at his acne and around his nails (both of which he hates, because he knows he shouldnt but does it anyway). i think if he does it enough that theres noticeable evidence it feels, like, world-ending for him, ESPECIALLY if anyone asks what happened lol. do not perceive him except in the very specific ways and contexts he approves of THANKS
on to the narratives favorite princess, mytho:
again, i had a pretty clear idea of the vibe i wanted mytho to have going into this-- i want him to have, like, extreme prince charming vibes, very Classically Handsome without necessarily being 'conventional.' i thought a lot about 'the happy prince' story while i was working on this, and really wanted him to look like a cross between how the prince statue looks in my head and a porcelain doll. and also a cross between jonny brown and brigitte bardot? lots of very direct influences for him lol. so! lots of gold tones, gemmy eye color, cute little tooth gap, quivering wide-eyed thousand-yard-stare doe eyes and big ol dolly anime lashes, which were the very last thing i added because i was NERVOUS about pulling those off lol. they turned out cute tho! ive only done a handful of pieces for this series and i can already tell princess tutu is gonna make me up my lash drawing game considerably, these kids all look like they blink and cause a hurricane from the gale force wind of their falsies
also wait i lied the very last thing i did was add his freckles/beauty marks because he needed that little extra oomph and those were It. i think he probably has some on his hands/wrists too 💕
i was a little unsure if my idea for his hair would translate with this flat-color approach but im pretty happy with it! its supposed to be afrotextured hair (somewhere between 3b and 4c i think? wide range of potential i knowww but im still kind of hammering out my headcanons okay, this is exploratory lol) thats been rolled and finger-styled into his little feather shapes. i think loose, chunky twists would be another fun way to interpret his hair and twists are one of my fave styles to draw do i might draw him like that at some point too...
i guess fakir is the one who styles his hair for him before mytho gets his heart back? i imagine fakir is pretty meticulous about maintaining mythos health and appearance, even at the worst stages of their relationship. i think itd be hard for fakir to frame the way he treats mytho as For Mythos Sake if he wasnt doing some level of actually beneficial care for him, so being really fastidious about things like mythos diet and sleep hygiene and hair care and such gives fakir an outlet for his 'you just have to do what i tell you' thing that helps him convince himself it really is helping, no really, hes doing this for mythos benefit and he just has to be strict with him because mytho doesnt UNDERSTAND he needs PROTECTING and fakir is the ONLY ONE who can do it so mytho HAS to let him because if he doesnt then why does fakir even EXIST, if he cant manage this then what is he good for, and--
yknow. the usual complexes. and their relationship is so complex!!! but also so simple, but like. in a good way. fakirs behavior is complicated but his motivation regarding mytho is SO straightforward which makes that downward spiral into harm really easy to map out... i wont go much into that in this post since this is about visual/appearance-related headcanons but just. augh. i love this show and i love these characters!!! and i hope its apparent in my work that i do love them so <3
im hoping to do a set of these for the girls next!!! i have some other stuff to finish first but hopefully... Soon... Some Birds...
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natsmagi · 10 months
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I want to cry your fem koga looks so good
THANK YOUUUU I LOVE HER!!!!
ive had this vision for her for a while now but i only draw like. 2 charas. So i never got around to properly visualizing her BUT! she had been on my mind for a while and i thought fuck it, i need the world to see how i envision her
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justablah56 · 1 year
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hmm . thinking abt glark again y'all .
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ban-joey · 11 months
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sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school
#i dont im having a lot of fun (genuinely) but it is often pretty stressful#did find out there are a few folks adjacent to my program doing zoonoses & climate change research so im very excited to chat w them next w#possibly directing my thesis towards one health. social epi gradually becoming less interesting#plus i think my strengths do lie in applying epi to biological concepts so. one health works there#my brain continually trying to get back to lyme disease :( sometimes i really do miss the east coast tbh!#not lying actually i think the number one thing i miss is the amt of vector borne disease research LMFAO#i do unfortunately kind of have a crush on a classmate so that's fine but whatever. grad school. men are nice to me and i lose my mind ig#need to go make out w a hot trans person i think that would solve my problems rn#but also it's nice to be so excited about someone deciding to sit next to me in every class :)#like wow how isolated have i been the last 3 years to be so delighted by like. active signs i have Officially Made Friends.#even if he does live like a block away from my dad and jokes every goddamn day like 'so i saw your dad yesterday' no you DIDNT shut UP#idk yesterday he sat right next to me in a class he usually sits w other people in and it sort of sent my brain off the edge and now im jus#yeah. sitting with this one. it's fine like it's normal. but wowie i do think it's my first time having a Big Ol Crush since (redacted)#a little scary for my animal brain i think but it's okay!#im 25 in like 3 ish weeks and i still get embarrassed about this stuff somehow? stupid.#he's just really nice and always really fun to talk to! i think i had to officially Sit With Myself today bc epi is doing a holiday party#and there's a baking contest and we were talking abt it in class and i was indecisive abt whether i want to participate#and he like fully cut me off and was like oh you should bake something so i can have some :)#and. well fuck now i have to lmao. IM SO EASY IT'S SO EMBARRASSING#good evening everyone. guess this is my journal now. anyway ken rice you owe me twenty dollars and i aim to COLLECT
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virtual-minotaur · 7 months
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autism is so awesome whenever im really fixated on something and dont want to draw i just make a mtg commander deck or pokemon team for it.
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faaun · 2 years
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they r soooo. anyway
#lol um anyway . i kissed them for the first time yesterday but it literally feels like a yr ago but it also feels like today#on a bridge at night against a cityscape. river looked like a painting...etc it was nice . and then. yh theres a lot to talk abt#so i dont wanna say it all rn bc im tired but yeah. they r . sooo. pretty cool etc etc. whatever im fine im just . angry that i dont get to#see them that often bc they live in a diff city etc. also took them to a spot which usually is like . relatively busy bc london is busy all#the time but it was cold and it was at night so there were like 0 people there. the view was so good but other things were better#also kissing smn w a vertical labret is actually just >>>#lol en ee way i miss them#im soo overwhelmed w life rn and theyre not rly helping but like. in a good way#i told my friend to lmk if he notices that im becomjng too engaged w romance to the point where im neglecting academics#and he immidiately said it. like according to him im thinking abt her too much when i should be thinkint abt philosophy too much#which is like. idk if that's true bc ik he has a rly skewed perspective bf he kind of swore off datint#etc but at the same time . wbat if hes right. omg. but also let me have this Moment#that was last week when i was forcefully taken to manchester by a university society . like we hadnt even kissed yet#i fell asleep bc ive been so exhausted and when i woke up i realised they briefly appeared in a dream i had#and then i started tearing up out of Fear bc like . whenever ive lost smn i loved the dreams were the worst#like . good dreams. were horrible. and now its like what if this turns out horrible ? but i dont wanna self sabotage bc i rly rly rly like#them . i gave them a rose and on the train home i could stop staring at their hands holding the rose#and i know theyve liked me for months and i know theyve been waiting for months but somehow its still like#what if it just fades. whatever happens happens ig. i took them a leaf compressed in a poetry book from#a book shop we found on our second date tgth. they gave me a necklace w a small vial and a tiny flower inside#its so pretty. thinking abt the way they put it on me + when they wrapped their arms around me when i was cooking for them etc etc#im FINE its FINE its OKAY . whatever !!!!!#[chroma blue]
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lttleghost · 2 years
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me: I do think it's especially not great that transmasc Jesse overshadows egg Jesse since transmasc Jesse is not as canon compatible-
some dumbasses: OH DO YOU THINK TRANS MEN CAN'T HAVE COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIPS WITH MASCULINITY? DO YOU NOT THINK TOXIC MASCULINITY HARMS TRANSMASCS? DO YOU JUST HATE TRANSMASC PPL?
me: not what I fucking said
#i care about the issue that underlies this outside of Jesse he is the obly thing i feel qualified to talk abt tho#like saying a headcanon isnt as compatible with canon shouldn't be a threat#the automatic assumption kills me#especially cause its often from people who are like... they just dont want anyone to see their tboy swag icon as anything but transmasc#as if ur like... hurting them for this instead of pointing out shitty trends in fandom#oh the reasons are that any headcanon that requires Jesse to already be transitioned#brings up questions abt some characters who woulve known him before and would DEFINITELY be transphobic#also without scene alterations or added things like where does Jesse reclaim manhood/masculinity in any significant way?#this might be me personally but like#i only see him seperating from it and it hurting him#WHERES THE TRANS JOY?#and also therfore how would it be an active part of his character instead of like... something you added on#AGAIN only for a direct reading of the text#cause while i propsed added scenes in my egg Jesse reading theyre not needed really#cause it parallels his existing struggles#but I cant see where without something added that has Jesse actually like.... reclaim masculinity#transmasc Jesse isnt just an accessory#again i do not think the headcanon should be erased b/c while the fandom has made me hate it it still has value#espec if you like change canon to adress the conflicts brought up#but like... its not gonna hurt you to admit egg Jesse is a more accurate reading#you dont have to even like it more but like... dont bend over backward to deny it#meat.txt#this is my girlfriend dont touch him
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horrible-oracle · 1 year
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hhhhhhhh i just need to kinda rant or vent ignore this
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arolesbianism · 4 months
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Just wanted to drop in and say thank you for finding and posting the ONI logs that you do! As someone who loves the story of the game but absolutely would not have the energy to find all of the logs that aren’t on the wiki legitimately its nice to be able to see some of them. The one w/ nails in it is especially interesting! Nails was already one of my favorite dupes but that log made me like them even more tbh. Everyone say thank you to Human Nails™️ for making dupes like actually cognizant.
Also, saw your ONI stuff on artfight! I am absolutely not plotting and scheming anything at all i swear :]
Oghhhh tysm :')!!!! I've been feeling a bit self conscious abt my oni obsession lately so this means a lot! I still need to get around to making my oni story catalogue actually readable, I started a while back but ran out of steam after the like 50th incident with said one with Nails in it lol. And I actually recognized you from artfight! Saw your oni guys a few days ago and I'm honestly obsessed with them, it would be a shame if I had my hand forced and had to draw them :3c
#rat rambles#oni posting#I hope Ill have the energy to draw multiple of them tbh Im bad at chosing what characters to draw#but yeah it is rough to be an oni lore enjoyer in this world where all out of game sources are horribly outdated#and even the stuff thats not outdated on the wiki is often just. straight up wrong.#I believe I went and fixed some of the worst stuff at one point but I mostly only fixed the easier stuff to fix if Im remembering correctly#as in incorrect names and job descriptions and stuff#I should go check if the jackie thrratening to burn nikola's work thing is still there because as far as I know thats just not true#I think that was probably a misremembering of a seed is planted where nails talks abt jackie burning some of their work#because outside of that I dont think jackie burning stuff was ever explicitly brought up?#or maybe I just dont remember it or smth it has been a lil bit since I've reread everything#Ive been rereading some stuff every now and then but I havent sat down and binged it all again yet#well hey Ill have plenty of time to comb over everything once I get back to cleaning up my log doc eventually#and then maybe after that Ill. sigh. go update the wiki. sighhhhhhhh#I rly dont want to but at the same timr Someone needs to for ppl like you aka most of them who arent going to manually hunt it all down#cause trust me it feels like loosing your mind to try to find all the logs in game even while actively cheating#you know its bad when I had an easier time learning how to read the code and finding the logs there then actually finding them all in game#plus as far as I know a decent amount of them are dlc exclusive which makes it even more hard to get into#well maybe not harder but more money yknow#but yeah Im glad I had the experience of hunting lore stuff down manually but I would not wish it upon others lol
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dandyshucks · 7 months
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ehehehe i was brave and wore my crochet toque out today and i did have some guy try to be funny w his friends and decide to fake sneeze on me right as i walked past them (the guy seemed to be aiming to squish me against the wall of the building as we passed each other but luckily i am very small under my poofed out coat so i squeezed through fjdksl) bc i wear a mask, but other than that it went super okay!!
i even had a new guy at the group compliment my hat along w the two group leaders :3 !!! and the bus drivers always say "take care" when i let myself be perceived as fem so it was fun to hear that today hehe
#sometimes i like dressing cutesy fhfkdl sometimes i just wanna be a lil guy who makes ppl smile w my silly little hat and scarf :3#it makes me laugh a little bc they'll say take care! and I'll go thank youuu !!! ^-^ and meanwhile I'm carrying two knives DBDJSKL#(i keep a swiss army pocket knife on my keychain bc theyre useful and i have-#-another knife i found in. um. a graveyard... that I carry for paranoia + safety reasons LMAO)#(i dont think i would be any good at self defense in reality but it keeps my paranoia manageable fhdkdl)#ANYWAYS YAY im so happy i wore my hat out in public finally and it went super well!!#i think that guy probably would've been a wise guy even if I'd been dressed in my usual gear so fjfkdl im not too bothered#im just :3 !!!! abt getting unprompted compliments from ppl !!! exciting !!!#and i thought maybe i wasnt doing a good job conversing and making them comfortable but !! both new guys seemed relaxed by the end!#or at least the one guy who gave me the compliment did fjfkdl idk abt the other guy but he was harder to read#it is NAWT my job to make ppl comfortable lmao im just an attendee but fhsksl i feel like i should try just bc im there most often#i got them talking abt anime this time fjfkdl last week i had the other two new ppl talking abt b.ill and t.ed LMAO#i am tuckered out now though so !! i will eat lunch and decompress and then take a scroll thru the dash and catch up on blogs and rb stuff!#im excited to see everyones art and writing and everythingヽ(*´ω`*)ノ !!!#dandy.cmd
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pastadoughie · 7 months
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many people were confused about some of my previous posts, so for the sake of clarity i am condensing everything! tumblr has extremely transphobic moderation practices, often flagging completely innocent posts as explicit, solely for containing trans women in them or mentioning transgenderism. while letting untagged porn in sfw tags (ive literally seen porn tagged as "sfw agere") and blatent hatespeech, especially twards trans people (just look at the "gender critical" tag) go completely unchecked recently the CEO of tumblr had a big public hissyfit about people (rightfully) calling him transmysogenistic, going into random trans womens dms to harrass them, and saying that predstrogen saying she "hopes he explodes with hammers and then explodes again and hammers fly everywhere" is a death threat and saying he is calling the FBI on her (repeatedly misgendering her and calling her "it") and many bloggers, apon speaking out about it or even making harmless jokes (one trans woman posted a picture of a car and a hammer with the caption "reblog to scare matt" and got nuked for it) and many are very very angry (rightfully) about this whole affair and tumblr in general. if you would like to look into it i reccomend scrolling the "predstrogen" tag as she is the case most people are talking about at the moment. So, what can we do? this is clearly an ongoing issue, and, dispite having lost a lawsuit about their transphobic moderation in the past (see : https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/21274288-tumblr-nycchr-settlement) its clearly not gonna stop with just user complaints, as staff members are perfectly content to just go scorched earth on users who even so much as lightly poke fun at them well if you want to help you should contact the human rights commision (i will give clear details further down) ! you dont have to be in the US, nor be an adult to file, and it only takes a few minutes. this is the best and most effective method to fix this, because it hits tumblr where it hurts. human rights acencies have a lot of legal and financial power and tumblr CAN NOT just ignore them, and given that this will be the seccond time this is happening, the commisions shouldnt be playing nice anymore eaither. its really important that AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE FILE, and with different examples! while maybe your case might not be enough to prop up a lawsuit on its own, we need to prove a general trend. so every little bit counts! to respond to another question abt this ive gotten, as for what exactly to report, you should a) write about an act of discrimination youve recieved on tumblr that was eaither administered by a staff member OR that staff refused to give adequate moderation action in for example : a terf posted some blatent hatespeech targeted twards you, and you reported them, and staff looked at the issue and refused to persecute it. example 2 : you were unfairly flagged, deleted, or otherwise punished by a staff member and you are queer ( AND the post they banned you for has some kind of tie to your gender, ex : a sfw transition progress photo ) OR b) if you have not personally recieved something like that, please look for other peoples stories (THEY SHOULDNT BE HARD TO FIND, within the last couple of hours trans people have been being banned LEFT AND RIGHT for trying to speak on this. i would reccomend checking some of the tags related to what happened with predstrogen) and you should describe that incident as best as possible (be sure to disclose that you are speaking for someone else, ideally you should tell the story of someone you know, if possible.) you can also mention any reports you have made twards people posting blatent hatespeech that, opon reveiwing tumblr refused to prosecute dispite it being very obviously against terms of service. just so nobody gets confused about the filing process, im laying it out in more plain languadge!!
first you should email the SF HRC (san francisco human rights commision), at [email protected] and say something along these lines :
Hello, I am [full name] from [country or state] and I am filing a complaint against Tumblr, witch is owned by the parent company Automattic Inc. located at 60 29th St, San Francisco, CA 94110.
Tumblr has had previous issues with the NYC DHR for their moderation being unfairly biased against trans women (see : https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/21274288-tumblr-nycchr-settlement).
Despite a legally binding agreement with the NYC DHR, staff members still regularly harrass users based on their gender or sexual orientations. For example : on [date of most recent infraction] [describe incident] (if you are describing an incident that did not happen to you specifically, say something like) This incident involves the user [username] who I am not affiliated with (or/) who I am filing on behalf of.
I can be reached for further inquiries about this incident at [email you want to talk over] or [phone number you want to talk over]. (if you would like to be anonymous) However, In the event of legal prosecution against Automattic I would refer to be kept anonymous, where possible, in court proceedings. alternatively, you can also call the SF HRC at : 415-252-2500, you can use the above text as a starting point for this as well, next you want to fill out the form for the NYC DHR (new york city department of human rights) here : https://www.nyc.gov/site/cchr/about/report-discrimination.page for company you wanna put : Automattic and/or Tumblr for address you wanna put : 770 Broadway, New York, NY 10003 for phone number you wanna put : (646) 513-4321 and for category of discrimination you can put : Discriminatory harassment and basis of discrimination you can put : Gender; Gender identity you can then use a similar script on the written section of the form. when describing a specific incident, you should attach as many screenshots and links as possible! (for links, include both a live link and an archival link, so take a capture with the internet archive and have that as an alternative, incase a staff member gets petty.) this should only take a few minutes at most, and it helps alot! you can fill this out if you are a minor, and you dont have to be a us resident, please please take the time!!! and, just to clarify because there are many posts going around that are confused about this tumblr moved offices to san francisco recently, so their main HQ is at : 60 29th St, San Francisco, CA 94110 they DO still have an office in new york city, and thats where their PREVIOUS HQ was, the address is : 770 Broadway, New York, NY 10003
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sodapopsgt · 8 months
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everyone should play undertale yellow right now i think actually
its totally free and also 100% worth it like. genuinely
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The thing is that writing transfem first date advice is not that hard. Like. I feel like there are a couple of things to watch out for because of our condition as a social group but its not that deep.
Like, really, it comes down to three or four things.
First: Take initiative because she will often feel pressured to/uncomfortable with being the one to do it. We're pressured since we're young into that role and it can feel suffocating, plus with the ever-growing paranoia abt every trans women being a predator, there's a fear of crossing a line (especially when it's the first time meeting someone)
Second: Transfems are usually pretty socially isolated, either in past or present, so there will be niche hobbies and interests. Listen to what she has to say abt it and gauge if it matches to your tastes, because if you want this to not be just a hook up the topic will come up again and its not gonna go great when on date number 3 you forget completely what she told you abt her favorite show. These things are important for many of us because its what allowed us to survive isolatiom at times.
Third: be assertive. Way too many ppl I went out with thought I was nice and cool and interesting but were so scared to touch me, so scared to take a pass at me, that it just feels. Awkward and like your body is this weird alien thing. This is a date like every other right? So touch her. Really do it. Make sure to let them know that you are going to put your hands on them On Purpose.
Like apart from that? Genuinely? Use common sense. None of that "dont touch her tits/touch her tits" like. Talk to her how she feels abt her body if it feels like that question would come up (maybe shes early transition, maybe shes anxious, maybe shes inexperienced), but if you're going out with a girl 8 years into transition its unlikely shes going to have the same level of hangups as someone who just got started in this "being trans" thing. But you are unfortunstely gonna have to be the judge on that because everybody has a diff body.
Its not that hard man. Like yes i feel like there is a place for a well-meaning "hey how do you date trans women" but unfortunately men keep fucking it up so its up to a lesbian to try and explain how you dorks should talk to women
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zemnarihah · 2 years
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i mentioned this on here before but i have a friend who is abt to get married and like i just realized thats probably the death knell for our friendship
#we've been drifting apart for a while and i feel like. i mean maybe i dont reach out to her as often as i should like its not like im#texting her everyday or anything but everytime that group does smth#she seems to have some excuse not to come or to leave early and like it only got worse w the boyfriend and now theyre getting married#and like. they JUST got engaged and the date is set for may 20th#and like i could sit here and kid myself and be like well we can still be friends! but i just know she is going to have no time for me when#shes actually married if she already has so little time for me now#we're not best friends rn obviously but there was a couple years in high school where like. she was the one in our group that i was closest#to like i think we spent some very important years as eachothers first confidant or whatever and we used to like. laugh so hard together#idk#like i think ive laughed the hardest in my life w her yk. and maybe i should have accepted it earlier bc it has been like this for a while#where she just doesnt seem to care to make any time for me but man. this moment its just rlly getting me.#i actually saw her today for the first time since my birthday which was in december. which is what cemented it. i found out abt the date.#i met him. i saw the ring. and then she left early. with him. after not seeing me for months and seeing him every day. idk#i maybe kinda guilted her as she left or like idk just told her i thought she should stay since we havent seen eachother in so long and she#told me oh its ok well hang out soon! its spring break next week we can totally hang out! and i just told her straight up well ok you text#me because im always the one trying. and i think idk maybe its not fair ik at a certain point if ppl dont want to be in your life you cant#force them. but its just like. idk i miss her. like thats it literally i miss her. i feel like a little kid i just want her back i want to#laugh and talk and tell her abt every dumb little thing going on in my life i want her back! what the fuck!#anyway well see if she texts me over spring break. i dont have my hopes up#im gonna like. go to her bridal shower and bachelorette party and the wedding and everything obviously but after that. idk i dont have my#hopes set too high. well i kind of do. like in the back of my head i keep being like maybe! im moving a little closer so maybe! we wont be#as busy over summer break so maybe! im trying to see more of our mutual friends so maybe!#but. i dont think i can keep reaching out it makes me sad every time. i hope she does reach out to me and all i can do is keep a place in m#life open for her if she wants it but. if she doesn't theres nothing i can do#thats what i have to accept. its so hard though. im just really sad like thats it. i miss her and im sad. it really feels like grieving not#to be dramatic like obviously shes not dead but grieving the friend i had. i guess thats a thing. but i um. hate it.#ok. well.#gn now actually i was supposed to go to bed and then i realized that and then i cried and then i had to scream it into the void. idk if#i feel better but. i do feel tired. goodnight#zem diary
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mrfutureboy · 2 years
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skfkdkksksk
#original entry#cw vent#i am just...so frustrated all the time#not like constantly or 24/7 but every week or every other week(end) i just get refrustrated over the same thing#im in my head abt it rn bc my 1yr anniversary with my partner is coming up but our future just looks so...far away. unclear.#weve talked for a while abt moving in together. nothing happened. i put my foot down like 'lets actually work towards this' and we looked#at places and tried to schedule tours tho unfortunately were never able to bc most placed never got back to us (one place was straight up#and said they werent able to do tours rn which yanno fine)#this was really stressing me out but ultimately out of my control#after that they said they wanted to wait until they got a better job which is fine but its been several months and im not sure when they#even last applied anywhere#on one hand i know that its stressful job hunting and so i want to be patient#but on the other hand sometimes i feel like all i do is wait around for them and im fucking tired of waiting#ive lived at home since march 2020 and am now in a place financially where i could move out but i feel like im being held back#i do want to have a life w my partner but they dont always act like they want to despite saying they do#im fucking sick of spending weekends at their parents house (bc they r in a similar situation like me) and driving back and forth all the#time. i hate leaving bc i feel like i shouldnt have to leave bc we should just be living together#but then sometimes im not sure i do wanna live together#im so conflicted and stressed and i hate that i have to be frustrated over this so often bc i shouldnt have to fucking tell them over and#over i should just be listened to and acknowledged#i want the fucking truth i want their actions to reflect their words i want to actually feel like we can be adults and live together and#work towards a future but they cant even pick out fucking cereal to eat in the morning
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birchghost · 2 years
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i have. thoughts
#naming experiences/ways of being vs making us and them categories#diagnosis vs self diagnosis vs tiktok#doctorssssssssssssss.....................................#pain pain pain unending pain!#what we are allowed to ask of others#the concept of accessibility#honesty vs exposure#love#brain structures#i feel like the way i perceive things is so regimented and structured which sucks bc i do NOT fall easily into the categories ive made#but also i need to define things and find their meaning and reasoning or else i go off the deep end#and my therapist can talk abt black and white categories until he's blue in the face but that does not.. help#which parts of me need to be defined and pinned down and which dont? which do i think are one thing but arent? which are actually something#but no one can successfully find it????????#what metric should i measure normal functioning against?#how do i deviate from the norm and which of those deviations are allowed to mean something vs which arent?#how can i talk to people who are convinced that they are the only ones who experience deviations or struggles lol. vs who am i talking over#'neurotypical/abled people may struggle with these things once in a while but neurodivergent/disabled people struggle with these things#more often than not' what does that even mean???? who is deciding once in a while vs more often than not#thinking about categories that are so broad as to be useless vs categories that are broad to be helpful...#i think i may just be cynical honestly. im struggling but im not allowed to because im normal thanks :)!#am i struggling based on something that's actually wrong and unnamed or am i just. poorly constructed#like is it just me symptoms.#can anything help my me symptoms.#anyway.
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