#i dont think im wrong. i dont there was any sort of explanation or reason or anything like that

[iangallagherisadeadman]

Don't you guys think it's fucked up when Fiona starts dating and sleeping out of the house, leaving Debbie, Carl and Liam kind of for themselves?

Once she started dating Mike she would sleep at his place sometimes which I think it's okay, she was paying the bills and would leave dinner ready and communicate Debs and she was still looking out for them, they had health care and she took them to the clinic and all that. She needs to take care of her, live a life, sleep at her boyfriend sometimes, that's fine and healthy. But then she marry Gus and is often out of there, get together with Sean and doesn't even know what's going on with them anymore (aka "why there's nothing to eat in the fridge" "cause no one is doing the shopping" dialogue with Debbie, not knowing when it's their first day at school, letting Sammy move in and run things after her trailer got fucked by Frank), and then she gets her apartment and moves out completely and like, okay, Ian was a EMT, Lip is a mechanic already I think, she did said she wasn't going to support Debbie after her pregnancy (fucked me thinks), Carl's at military school, but Liam is still a kid! And Debs and Carl are still underage! And they are her responsibility.

It just doesn't sit right with me that Liam didn't at least moved with her.

Specifically Fiona defenders, I would love to hear more about it.

[renzieluvsvt]

fall in you

pairing: bsf!joshua x reader

genre: angst, fluff

word count: 1K

summary: you have been falling for your childhood best friend!joshua. you are sure that your feelings wont be reciprocated so what turns will it take when you decide to completely avoid and forget him?

warnings: reader losing pet dog, kissing (is that even a warning? lol)

a/n: tysm anon for this request!! i enjoyed coming up with the plot for this;)) but so sorry as it took me so much time to post it.

anw, hope yall enjoy this one too!! will keep on posting as much as i can :))

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

"will you still not talk to me?", joshua asked you aka his best friend with whom he hadn't spoken to for several months because of some reason he wasn't aware of. the two of you had been friends since childhood, grew up knowing each other's secrets, grew up together even during the lowest points of lives but as of now, the both of you were standing in the living room of your dorm. you hadn't spoken to him for six months already. during the first month, he excused you by thinking that you were probably tired with the classes. during the second month, he was hurt that you didn't agree to meet him anywhere else whenever he tried to clear things out. it was the third month where you finally refused to even look at him in the uni. it hurt him to see you avoiding him.

whenever he tried approaching you, you always changed your path. it suprised him how his "best friend" started leaving him on delivered or sometimes on seen in the fourth month. his phone calls were totally ignored by you in the fifth month. and finally, in the sixth month you started treating him as a pure stranger.

he couldn't take this shit anymore. even if he spent hours in a day to reflect and look for some reasons that could have possibly got you upset— he still couldnt find one. that was when he eventually decided to go to your dorm and confront you. he had been refraining himself from visiting your dorm so that he wouldn't get in trouble for getting into a girl's dormitory but he was left with no choice afterall.

"can you fucking look at me atleast?", he said in anger as you tested his patience. you still continued folding your dried laundry. your actions hurt him. alot. being avoided by his bestfriend was already hurting him but the reason that hurt him the most was he couldn't have any sort of explanation about it.

"joshua, im asking you for the last time, can you please leave right now?", you spatted out with not much any emotions but one could surely hear the crack in your voice. you wanted to sink ten feet under the ground as you realised how your voice cracked. you wished that he didn't figure that out but you were wrong. he heard you and knew you were on the verge of breaking down. "please tell me y/n and i'll work on myself to not disappoint you anymore", he pulled you by your arms so that you could turn to his direction but you swatted away your arm from his grip. with anger.

as you finally faced him, he looked deeply into your eyes as if to find the answers you were hiding but all he could see was your tears welling up your eyes. he stared at you worriedly as a tear rolled down your face.

"why do you want me back in your life? just so you can hurt me again by telling me about your new flings?", you spoke out finally. yes, he heard that right. yes, he was understanding it right too. you saw him more than a friend. you wanted your relationship with him to be more than best friends. "yes! i go crazy everytime i hear you blabber about your crushes and dates", you said with tears in your eyes. you simply couldn't bottle it up today. "joshua, i fell for you even before i could know", you continued. "i dont know when it j-just happened. was it when you caressed my hair while appreciating me when i felt insecure about myself after i was cheated on by my boyfriend or was it when you didn't leave me alone when i was left heartbroken after i lost my dog? or was it when you spoke words you probably never meant with the eyes that seemed to be in love with me?", you managed to pour out your feelings in words finally.

"l-listen to m-me y/n....", joshua stuttered. he was speechless. not because of your sudden confession but because he finally knew that his feelings were reciprocated! "josh, im sorry but i cant stay friends with you. it hur-", before you could even complete your sentence he pulled you in for a kiss.

he cupped your cheeks and deepened the kiss with his eyes shut. you couldn't process what had just happened but when he bit your lower lip for a response, you gave in. it felt like heaven to kiss your best friend crush. he parted away from the kiss just to have you chase his lips. he chuckled. but soon he took a look at you as his big hands still kept your cheeks cupped.

"you have no idea how much i've loved you", you stare at him in disbelief. "y/n, i had already fallen for you since our middle school but never had the courage. i always ended up worrying about losing you if i ever got you as my lover. i was worried about not having you in my life if anything would go wrong", he continued. "you dont know how crazy you got me for yourself which had me to date a few times just to move on from you. but here you were, getting jealous of them", he said. "i wasn't jealous",you said as you hit him on his shoulders lightly in protest. the both of you laughed.

"y/n?", he called your name out with his sweet voice. "hmm", you responded while meeting his eyes. "will you be my girlfriend?", he asked you with your cheeks still cupped in his hands. as you heard those words, another tear rolled down your face but this time you had a smile on your face. "sure josh", you said with a smile and another tear rolling down your face in the same time. you were overjoyed.

he kissed you deeply to express the love that he had been hiding from you which had caused you so much pain. "i love you josh", you managed to say in between the kiss. "i love you more", he said while he pulled you closer to him by waist without breaking the kiss. the past six months were hard on you but all you could say was that it led to the best thing that could ever happen to you.

you felt lucky and so did joshua to have realise that you would always be by his side. forever. he promised to never let you go.

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

[wttcsms]

Hihi i saw ur request box was open & i just couldnt resist! A big confession to make here, uhh ive been such a big fan of u and yr writings and also u were the v first fanfic blog i came across a couple years ago so yea, u literally open my third eye to a whole new world of fics👉👈 🥺

i feel like you havent written angst in a while–and bc i miss ur angsty haikyuu fics– sooo could i request post-breakup college!au with atsumu or iwai (honestly anyone who'd best fit the scenario cuz i trust ur characterization👌) abt the aftermath of the breakup, them seeing us on campus and unconsciously following us with their eyes, reschin to help out on instinct only to realize theyre no longer together, thinking about what could've been just reminisce reminisce

ahhhh im sry honestly dont know how to expand more on the idea

thank you for stealing my ficvirginity😃

pairing atsumu miya x f!reader word count 2.1k content contains exes still in love, college!au, mutual pining author's notes hi <3 i remember you (eycee, right?). don't be a stranger! you can always dm me and say hello :) thank you for the constant support. not sure if this fic is angsty enough, but i wanted yours to be the first req i do <3

“Hi, welcome in! Let me know if— Oh.”

Your voice falters, recognition and maybe even something similar to embarrassment flits across your face, and a split second later, you go back to smiling like nothing’s wrong. Like the two of you haven’t spent the better half of this month actively avoiding each other at all costs, even though the sprawling acres of the University of Tokyo suddenly feels too small. The entirety of Japan has felt too small ever since it became his mission to never cross paths with you ever again. 

This mission of his started just a little over two weeks ago, on the very same day you decide to use his heart as your own punching bag. The worst part of it all, though, is the fact that he doesn’t even hold any type of contempt for you. It’s a cruel sort of joke; sometimes, Atsumu Miya feels like everything bad that happens to him is just some sort of sick punchline in a sitcom instead of real life. 

Usually, when girlfriends find out their high school sweetheart is going to be a wildly successful (and rich) professional athlete, they’ll do anything in their power to hang onto him.

You decided to snip the invisible string tying the two of you together, and you did it so effortlessly, so quickly, that Atsumu had to make sure that he hadn’t been imagining the last four years of your relationship. 

He’s got his hands shoved in his pockets, and he’s torn between staring at you like a total creep or looking at everything in the campus bookstore but you. He settles for the former, scared that this will be his last opportunity to really look at you. 

Neither of you is saying anything. It’s a Saturday and so no one else is even in the bookstore this morning, and Atsumu wants to say something, anything, but he’s never been that great at carefully picking his words, and he’s scared out of his mind that he’ll say something stupid and prove once and for all that you had been right to break up with him. Better yet, he wants you to say something. He wants you to give him a better explanation instead of the bullshit you told him in his apartment. 

We just want different things.

What does that even mean? He thinks he would have shouted out that question, if only your little break up speech hadn’t caught him so off guard. Different things? The two of you wanted different things? Sure, Atsumu likes to sleep in a freezing cold apartment, and you need the room to actually be at a reasonable temperature. And maybe Atsumu has a penchant for overly fried, greasy foods when all you want (and deserve) is a fancy dinner. Maybe Atsumu wants to be at a sports store instead of browsing aisle after aisle in Sephora, but he doubts these different wants have accumulated so much that you felt you had no choice but to break his heart. 

“Hey, Miya.” You say it softly, dropping the perky customer service voice you greeted him with before you turned around and realized who he was. And he flinches. He fucking visibly cringes at the way you speak to him, walking on eggshells and going back to formalities like he’s barely above a stranger to you.

Miya.

(Did you know that he wanted to make that your last name?

Do you know that he still does, even now?)

“Hey,” he replies back, curling his fingers into fists inside his pocket. He thinks his voice comes out all scratchy, like how it always sounds when you don’t use your voice nearly enough. He clears his throat awkwardly. Everything feels awkward; everything feels wrong. He says “hey”, but what he really means to say is please don’t call me Miya; you know the color of my toothbrush, you don’t have to call me Miya. 

“Were you looking for something?” 

You.

Subconsciously, Atsumu finds himself seeking you out. He walks by another girl on campus and almost breaks his neck with the speed he turns around to catch a whiff of the perfume wafting from her body because he swears it’s the same fragrance you favor. He walks by the building that houses all the classrooms for your specific major, even though it’s located on the opposite side of his own classes because he secretly hopes against all hope that he’ll run into you, and you’ll see him and fall in love with him again. He goes to the same restaurants the two of you frequently ate at together, and he orders your usual because you can never finish your entire meal and always have him finish off the leftovers for you (and the food is always good, but somehow it doesn’t taste the same when your utensils haven’t touched it first). And he doesn’t even need to be here, doesn’t even care enough about his stupid class to go out of his way to buy the study guide, but he knows you’ve started picking up the weekend shifts at the campus bookstore, and suddenly, he cares enough about passing to get the damn study guide. 

He shrugs. “Just some stupid workbook to study for an upcoming exam, but it’s not that serious.” 

“Oh. Is Dr. Furata giving you a hard time again?” 

“How do you do that?” Atsumu blurts out, wanting to kick himself for giving too much of himself away. You already own every centimeter of his heart and maybe his soul. You don’t need anything else from him; he’s almost certain there’s nothing left for him to give you, but he can’t help but impulsively ask the damn question that’s been running through his mind ever since you left him behind. 

Did you know that when you’re confused, your brows furrow together, and you get this adorable, endearing crinkle in between them? Do you know that he still finds that same expression as cute as he did when you still called yourself his girlfriend? 

“What are you talking about?” 

How can you just stand there and act like you never crushed his heart? How do you wake up in the morning and not feel like your life is missing something important, like you’ll never feel whole again? How can you keep him wrapped around your finger, and then have the audacity to not even realize it? How did you let him go so quickly? 

Practicing caution, he swallows hard before clarifying, “How do you know everything?” Because if you can act like he’s just a polite acquaintance, like he’s nothing more than another fellow classmate, he can try to play pretend too. He can act like there’s not enough history between the two of you to fill up every damn textbook in this stupid store. “Yeah, Dr. Furata’s been on everyone’s ass. Somethin’ about midterm grades being worth a quarter of our overall grade.” 

“Believe me, you’re not the first victim of Dr. Furata’s to come wandering in the store. I think I have a few more of the workbooks he suggested in stock. Let me go check.” 

It’s instinct at this point for Atsumu to just follow you. If he uses his imagination, it’s almost like he’s back to browsing in a makeup store, walking aimlessly in every aisle, following you loyally because he’s happy to have you lead the way and he doesn’t care where he ends up, so long as you’re there with him. 

But this isn’t an afternoon date with you. This is him following a bookstore employee. After you find that study guide, which is really nothing more than his flimsy excuse for seeking you out, you’re going to ask him “card or cash?”, ring him up at the register, and he’s going to walk out that door and have to act like he’s still not in love with you. All the while, you’re doing fine. You’re fine right now, and you’re going to be fine when he leaves, and you’re probably going to be fine, five years down the line, when you’re happy with someone else and Atsumu is alone because in this little hypothetical, he still hasn’t gotten over you.

He is trailing behind you in this bookstore, and your back is facing him, and he’s panicking because he doesn’t think he’s capable of not loving you. 

Just two weeks ago, you knew him better than anyone else in the world, maybe even better than Osamu, perhaps even better than he knows himself. Now, you just give him a polite smile as you grab the small stool to reach the books located at the very top of the shelf. 

“God, I hate the way we organize everything in the store.” You say, lightheartedly complaining. He knows you do. He knows because he’s known you for nearly a decade. The two of you have grown up together. You made this same complaint sprawled out on the couch in his apartment. 

When he doesn’t reply, you look down to see if something’s the matter, only to do it too quickly that you find yourself losing your balance. Before you can come crashing to the floor, Atsumu is quick to catch you, and you pretend that his protective embrace isn’t comforting. You pretend not to notice that he’s wearing the cologne you bought him for Christmas last year, and you continue to pretend that you don’t miss him at all, that you don’t still love him. 

And for a second, the two of you both pretend that you’re still with each other. That it’s perfectly okay to savor this intimate moment, that his arms wrapped around your body right now isn’t awkward in the slightest. He’s staring at you with a sort of starstruck, boylike wonder, and it’s so familiar, so sweet, because it’s the way he always used to look at you. His lips part slightly, like he’s about to say something, and—

The loud ring! interrupts whatever moment the two of you are sharing, and you nearly jump out of his arms. You hear the distinct footsteps of another student, and you adjust your shirt before remembering where the two of you are — what the two of you are. Not a couple. Barely even friends. Just a bookstore employee and a student that needs a book. That’s all the two of you are allowed to be.

“I should probably go check up front and make sure they don’t need any help.” You tell him, biting down on your lip. “Anyway, did you need anything else, or would you like me to check you out right now?” 

He blinks a few times, as if still in a daze. “Uh, yeah, sure.” The tips of his ears are flushed a light pink. “Y-yeah, I’m done here.” 

The two of you practically race each other to the front of the store, and you step behind the counter to scan his workbook. He drums his fingers, looking around the store. When he’s nervous, he likes to be moving. You know this. 

Just looking for an excuse to use his hands, Atsumu mindlessly picks a pack of gum off a nearby rack and slides it towards you so you can also scan it. You know you shouldn’t say it. You know it’s supposed to be a clean break. Instead, you tell him, 

“Actually, if you want, I have the fruit variety flavor.” 

“Huh?” This catches his attention. 

You reach into one of the boxes that have just been shipped to the store, rummaging through a tiny one before revealing a shiny, new package of gum, this one advertising all the flavors based on tropical fruits. “Would you rather have this one?” 

“Oh, yeah!” As if truly forgetting what the two of you actually are (exes, strangers with too much history, two people still pretending like they’re not in love), his eyes light up. “How did you kno—” He doesn’t finish the question. He knows the answer to the question. 

You’re quick to finish ringing him up, the “polite strangers” illusion being completely shattered. It’s obvious, really, that there are always going to be parts of Atsumu that still live deep inside of you. You can only hope that this isn’t the case for him. 

You hand him the bag, and when he grabs it from you, your fingers just barely graze each other’s. Atsumu is scared — scared that this might be the last time he ever feels your touch. 

And because you’re a glutton for punishment, you find yourself telling him,

“Don’t be a stranger.”

You can’t tell who’s more devastated: you or him.

[nerdygaymormon]

hello! o/ im a queer teenager from canada! i lead my highschool's gsa and am very active in the queer community around us. we raised $800 for the Trevor Project last year, raised $500 towards a chest binder breakroom at our school and are officially putting on the school's first all-age queer prom this may!

however, im very confused at the moment. i grew up in an atheist household and have never really found myself believing in God or anything religious. while i still dont think i believe ALL of it, lately ive been doing a lot of thinking after finding an old pocket bible that belonged to my great grandmother (she practically raised me but i never knew she was religious, she never mentioned it at all) and flipping through it and reading her flagged scriptures (i believe thats what theyre called, forgive me if im wrong), etc.

i then resorted to the internet and have been doing a bit of research and am now very conflicted about my feelings and beliefs. i now have moments where i genuinely believe there is something/someone divine out there. i find myself... almost talking to it, sometimes? i dont really know how to describe it. i even tried praying the other day for the first time in my life. (i probably didnt do it right if theres a proper way, but the point is i did it and i surprised myself.)

even though i have these moments, i still have times where i doubt it all. aside from the occasional joke, ive always done my best to be respectful of people's faith, but never saw myself believing until now. and when i say believe, like i said before, it isnt all of it. (like the creation of the world, etc)

i feel sort of fake in a way i dont know how to describe because of my conflicted feelings and how i dont believe everything. there are a lot of things i want to say about it but i really cant pull words from the emotions and i keep trying to. i also dont really have anyone in my life who i can talk to about this stuff. my family will not take me seriously and none of my friends and teachers are religious.

i dont know if you take asks like this, and its totally fine if you dont, but if you have any kind of advice it would be greatly appreciated.

sorry for the long ask, but thanks so much! hope youre having a wonderful day my friend 🤍

Congratulations for all you accomplish for queer students at your school! That's amazing!!!

That you find some aspects with religion resonates with you shouldn't be surprising or upsetting. Humans have been creating and practicing religions since before there was recorded history. There seems to be a need that is satisfied by religion.

In a broad sense, religion does 3 thing:

1. It provides an explanation for natural phenomena. Why is the ground shaking? Why did the sun go dark temporarily? Why is there a drought? Why is dad sick? Why did a hurricane pummel New Orleans?

2. Religions provide meaning to life. Religion provides answers for what is the purpose of life and what happens when we die. Religions are a vehicle for passing along the wisdom from past generations from hundreds and thousands of years ago.

3. Religion helps humans build community and encourages cooperation among those who believe. Religious belief also helps people develop self-discipline. Unfortunately, religions also have been used to define who is in a community and who is not, and this has led to a lot of harm and even wars

Beyond all these macro reasons, religion is experienced at the individual level. An individual prays and receive comfort and answers and feels a larger entity cares about them. Their faith gives them a purpose. They have a community that is meaningful in their lives. This is part of the truth of their lived experience and can't be easily quantified. It's what makes religion still relevant in the lives of many people today

[rpfisfine]

do you hate miles?🤨

i was wondering when someone would send me an ask like this yeah i dont like him to be honest. i know ppl on here have largely moved on from the fateful 2016 interview and it has been discussed to death and yeah he immediately said he was joking etc etc but i dont think its weird to think you shouldnt have to feel pressured to like completely forgive and forget and absolve the sins of a male musician saying something that made a female reporter feel unsafe or objectified or 'caught in an increasingly distressing situation' or act like its some sort of unheard of and unimaginable offense that has never happened before in the history of music interviews and one someone’s favorite musician who can do no wrong in their eyes could definitely never get caught up in (esp given how gross in general the music industry is towards women). OR even go so far to say the reporter did it all for attention i cant believe this is even a discussion that has ever been had in any form ever like genuinely nothing makes me angrier than ppl who literally turn into blatant sexists whenever their favorite white guy's reputation is even mildly put at risk ive literally seen one person on here say the whole interview was made up and exaggerated and that she just wanted to 'join the me too movement' which is like Okay man i think you might just not have any respect for women in real life maybe. even watered down and not as extreme its a take thats more prevalent on am tumblr than i thought or previously imagined and i hate how bad it makes the fandom look like i trust that everyone on here is a reasonably intelligent and empathetic human being who has at least a basic tumblr education on the fact that victim blaming is bad so we dont rly need to turn around and immediately go 'she just misunderstood what he was saying' or 'she just didnt get his sense of humor' like Alright

i hope im articulating all this reasonably well like i think its literally fine that ppl have accepted his apology and moved on and are able to enjoy him as an artist and/or as a person too thats awesome and im happy for the ppl that i follow that have this kind of relationship with him. even if it wasnt for the interview thing he stil wouldnt be for me i used to be a pretty big fan of his music when i was younger but nowadays since ive found different music i dont rly pay any attention to him. im glad he was able to spark alex creatively but thats as far as my enjoyment goes of him to be yonest

also ive just realized now that all this makes me look kind of contrived given the fact that ive written milex before and i dont rly have like an impenetrable explanation i literally started writing for jamex around the time the car album came out bc i found out all my fav jamex fics had gotten deleted by their author so i wanted to fill the void and then one day i was like wait am i good enough yet to write a functional milex fic (plus i was hoping to get more ppl to notice my writing and milex offers a pretty easy way to do that) so then i wrote 2 and i was like ok i am cool. i dont intend to write another fic for them

hope this makes sense i probably forgor to say like 10 other things i wanted to say but thats okay

[corvidcall]

the way people act like the people youre sexually attracted to is some sort of praxis is really annoying for a lot of reasons! because like, yeah, when people say that a whole marginalized group isnt hot, its usually informed by some sort of bigotry, either implicit or explicit. are black women not hot, or have you just decided that every black woman looks and acts the same, and that anything outside of eurocentric beauty standards is "ugly"? would you actually hate dating a fat man, or have you just made a lot of assumptions about what kind of person they must be because of their body, and decided that was at odds with your own interests? you say you wouldnt date a trans woman because you "dont like men" and you're "not interested in penises", but youre just assuming that every trans woman is just a cis man in a dress, which is absolutely not true! OBVIOUSLY prejudice influences peoples attraction

but also like... you cant frame it as a direct expression of someones morals. some parts of what you're attracted to will change throughout your life, but a lot of it is baked in and cant really be changed, even if you might want it to! i mean, thats why conversion therapy demonstrably doesnt work. if youre a person who is really into. idk. vore or bdsm or redheads. even if you decide that actually thats immoral to be into, you're not really gonna be able to stop being attracted to it because sexual attraction isn't really something you get to sit down and CHOOSE. if youre not into anthro animals, theres no amount of sitting down and working on yourself that will convince you to start getting a boner at furry porn.

and then theres the obvious other problem, that being attracted to certain qualities or traits or demographics doesnt even mean that you actually have their best intetests at heart? racists date POC. fatphobes date fat people. misogynists date women all the fucking time!!!!!

i think your tastes are heavily influenced by your environment and your values, obviously, but you cant act like its a pure expression of your values. personally, as a fat person, i dont like people saying that not being attracted to my body is solely because of prejudice you need to unlearn. being attracted to my body isn't homework! it's not vegetables! it's not a thing you need to start doing because its Good For You whether or not you enjoy it! if you dont like my body, thats fine. the thing thats fatphobic is if you TELL ME that you think all fat people are unattractive, even though nobody asked what you thought, and we were talking about me specifically and not all fat people en masse. you can find me unattractive without being a fatphobe. the problem lies in using your lack of attraction to me as an explanation for why youre a fatphobe, or using it as a criticism of me personally. like you not being attracted to me is something i need to change about myself

anyway the actual point i wanted to make was that the worst part of this kind of rhetoric is that it makes it really hard to hornypost without people acting like im advocating for specific actions people MUST take about their own bodies :/ I'll be like "i think transfems with deep voices and who dont really pass well are incredibly sexy" and people will crawl out of the woodwork to be like "oh you think its WRONG for transfems to pass?? you think it's IMMORAL for them to do voice training? you think none of them should EVER get FFS or laser hair removal?????" like... no! i never said any of that shit! just because i think something is hot doesnt mean i think its wrong and bad to not do it. not everyone should make all their decisions based on what i think is hot. no one should, in fact. just because i think its cute when people have crooked teeth doesn't mean i want to criminalize braces. doesnt even mean that i dont think people who have straight teeth are hot. please just let me be horny in peace 😭😭😭

[finalmoment]

i'm the anon who sent the befriending ask.... i am very very curious about more of your thoughts on the complexities of csa. i was thinking about this the other day because i was reading far from the tree and

[The perpetrators in the Horace Mann scandal] were wounded, confused people trying to figure out how to function in a world that taught them their homosexual desire was sick […] someone whose core being is deemed a sickness may struggle to parse the distinction between that and a greater crime

i'm not sure i agree with the line of reasoning in this paragraph (i think often perpetrators are not "confused" so much as "desperate") but i do think incidences of csa, especially as relating to homosexuality, do often occur due to the way society has treated gayness (in a way that makes it "safer" to experiment across a large power differential)

hello!

discussion of csa and homosexuality and criminalization

one of the things i was thinking of as i wrote that post that i didnt include because this thought process isnt fully...processed...is that many of these crimes are contingent on certain ideas we have now about crime and the effects of actions. a lot of the causality we take for granted now did, at some point in the past, have to be learned... an understanding of it did not come intuitively to the people causing or experiencing it. i find the language of "excuses" sort of unhelpful and limiting, so i don't want to put too fine a point on whether something is Wrong even if the person doesn't Know They're Doing Wrong or have An Intent To Hurt. these things are fuzzy and not the topic of conversation to me... what matters is that like, articulations of why something wrong change from period to period as knowledge grows. so like, now we would say that child abuse is bad because you're causing indelible harm to an immature psyche at a stage when this harm will form the basis of their interactions with the world. but at a certain point in the past the explanation was more along the lines of "you shouldn't have sex with a teenager because sex before marriage is wrong and bad and you cant get married to a teenager" [well, you could also do that, and many people did].

so with that out of the way, i also have to wonder how much of a role... homosociality and the kinds of relations it favored and enabled played a part in the tendency towards relationships with a wide age gap. there's the reason in the quote you mentioned and which i went over in my post, that an ethical-but-illegal act gets conflated with an unethical-and-illegal one due to their shared illegality. that's one thing. but also i wonder if it was...accepted practice in some fashion to clock younger gay men, effeminate teenagers and noticeably limp-wristed dandies, and fold them into a circle of homosexual activity (i make it sound very depraved nkdjfskf) via seduction or whatever. like there's a difference to me between making out with someone much younger than you because otherwise they might try to kiss their classmate and get hatecrimed and...grooming with the intent to isolate and abuse. i'm not saying it was always innocent or that there weren't predatory gay men but there's a noticeable discrepancy between isolating abuse and drawing someone into a circle of relative safety and normalcy from a young age.

i don't know much about this topic and i am basically just applying my reasoning and imagination to it. which is also what i did in my original post so im pleasantly surprised to find corroboration, and it's a very interesting quote for sure - i agree that it's desperation in general, and the confusion is more likely to arise from (for example) having had similar experiences in their own past and reproducing them due to a lack of framework.

thank you for the ask! im sorry if it stops making sense at any point im very sleepy and we just watched perfect blue so my brain is pretty fried. if you dont want me to have answered this ask publicly let me know and ill make it private!

[laithraihan]

I'm the anon who sent you the long message that apparently came off "pompous & infantilizing" and more to your followers.

I find it interesting that that message sparked such a flood of defenders, when I did not send it in bad faith at all. From your answer it seems I'm lacking context so sorry if I took some of your statements the wrong way, but nonetheless I just found the parental love addition strange and reacted to that, that was all there was to it. I clearly stated (three times) I'm not taking any issue with your headcanons.

By saying they are far removed from canon I did not mean to say they are "too unrealistic" or something is wrong with that, I literally said the opposite. I meant just that, that factually, this will not be a common interpretation for someone who is familiar with the source material but not your blog. This is not a statement that I made with any judgemental value and I thought I made that very clear but apparently not.

So I'm sorry for the additional ask.

Have a nice day.

Thank you for the response.

I was fully aware you said there was no issue with what I drew, but the way you wrote everything else sort of negated that statement. At least that's how me and many other people saw it.

If someone finds what I drew strange or confusing then they could always just... block me or ask me about it (and btw I expected people to be confused, otherwise I wouldnt have labeled it "non-coupling" as soon I posted it lol)

Someone did ask me about it, and you seem to have already seen that response, yet you still felt the need to send another message basically implying that an explanation wasn't enough (turns out it actually wasnt enough because people said I was lying and in denial) and that my explanation was weird too? Which is whatever I already ended up clarifying that, English is not my first language and I type things with the help of a translator (I wish people could actually keep this in mind. I only type in English because it'll reach a wider audience and it's the language most of my followers know. Often I have to google words people tell me online, or I ask my friends fluent in English to explain things for me)

You can say "that's not what I intended" but that's how it came across... you wrote a lot of nice words while also saying it was understandable that people were ganging up on me over a drawing, it seemed patronizing.

That's why me and others took offense to it, but I think it's difficult to tell tone through text so I don't want to keep nitpicking this any further. If you say you had no ill intent then I believe you.

The following will just be me adding more context and not necessarily aimed at you: Again I understand the lack of context of my account can make people confused about my art, Ive made that clear many times.

The art I made where I said "if your parents didnt love you then it's obvious" was a direct response to people who were mocking me specifically for tagging the art as "non-coupling" because they didnt believe me. They got the context and decided I was trying to hide a fetish because a kiss on the cheek was "obviously shippy". They proceeded to compare this to drawing NSFW of Mob and Reigen by labelling it "non-ship" as if it was comparable to tucking a child into bed, that's what upset me. I did absolutely nothing to these people, I dont know them, if they said this privately I wouldnt care but it was public, and they also targeted another friend of mine for no reason.

All Im gonna say is that my drawing shouldnt have caused this much controversy in the first place. I labeled it "non-coupling" as soon as I posted it, which should've been enough honestly. It's not like I posted porn or anything like that, I got the idea from something Ive experienced in my family as a teenager and I could easily google stock images of the exact same scenario to use as reference, like I really didnt think it was that bad.

Anyways I think I've explained myself many times already. Im not gonna be hostile and say to people "roh t9awed dont ever send me anything else related to this" but just.. check if Ive already answered your question so that it doesnt end up being repetitive. If you have a question about this that I havent answered yet, then feel free to ask.

[omohole]

What do you think gay men are attracted to in men that they can’t be attracted to in women?

It can’t be anything about femininity or masculinity obviously. That’s both sexist, and cultural so can’t be what drives men-only attraction.

It can’t be anything about stated identity because someone could lie just as easily as they could tell the truth in such a statement, and it makes no sense because homosexuality and heterosexuality exists in other species with no stated identities. It’s not like other animals without gender are all pan.

Saying idk it’s the vibes or some indescribable trait men have that women can’t but “I can’t explain” is a nonanswer.

Soooooooo what is it? Or do you think any sexuality but bi/pan is just cultural performance or an identity rather than an inborn orientation?

- [ ]

this feels like bait but damn you sure are making a lot of assumptions about incredibly large groups of people with any number of unique experiences here.

"it cant be anything about feminity or masculinity"/"it cant be anything about stated identity" yes it can. because different people are going to have different reasons and explanations for why they are attracted to who they are. some people ARE attracted based on how feminine/masculine someone is. some people ARE attracted based on stated identity. by saying that it cant be these things youre making a huge generalization. just because You Personally do or dont experience these factors doesnt mean that its the same for every other individual.

youre absolutely right that attraction based on masculinity/feminity is culture based! so are many many other factors of romantic and sexual attraction (cultural expectations, societal opinions, views on monogamy vs polygamy, cultures where arranged marriages are standard, etc.) that might influence someones attraction to a potential partner. so i dont know why youre acknowledging that there is a cultural difference in some cases and then writing off any possible case of attraction to gender presentation (conformity or non-conformity) as impossible. not to mention that it isnt necessarily sexist to have those preferences at all. i for one, am a butch lesbian who is (primarily) attracted to other butches. that isnt me saying that a partner needs to act and perform in one particular way or another on the basis of discrimination, thats just me saying what i find attractive personally. just like i can say i prefer orange juice over apple juice. i dont think its Wrong to like apple juice, and i dont think people who do prefer to drink it are wrong or bad, i just dont like it personally. there have been subgroups in the queer community for literal decades that came together over attraction to very specific gender presentations (butches, femmes, twinks, bears, etc.). not to mention, when it comes to meeting a potential partner (at least in person) visual appearance tends to be one of- if not the first- things you notice about them. of course thats going to have some sort of influence on how you view them.

sure, people absolutely can lie about their stated identity. theres plenty of cases where people will attest that someone lied about their gender to get into their pants (and that sucks when it happens!). but that doesnt mean that its always true that someone will lie nor does it make it common to do so. fun fact, but if your partner is attracted to something that you Know You Arent, it tends to be a pretty unfulfilling relationship and lies like that are difficult to keep up.

and for some people, it literally is just Based On Vibes! some people do not have the words to describe what they find attractive, some people just know that theyre attracted to men and not women, and absolutely No One is obligated to explain it to a stranger (and much less an anonymous one). im putting in the time to type this all out because some of the things you said bothered me, but you dropping this on a random stranger is fuckin weird yknow?

the way you worded this last part is weird. no, i dont think that. its the same as any other attraction to one gender. do you think that being straight is just an identity or cultural performance? and if youre trying to say that it isnt the same on account of biological compatibility when it comes to having children, what about straight couples where one partner is trans? or straight couples where one is infertile? youre coming at this from the angle that being gay is the only form of single-gender attraction.

and alllll of that put aside to say that i dont know why you sent me this. im literally just a random person on the internet, i am not an expert in attraction in any manner. i can only speak as far as my own experiences and observations.

not to mention

i am not a gay man

[tricorops]

#1 - *insert some sort of pretentious title *

welcome in ! here’s where everything starts…

i probably should have thought a bit more before starting this entry but alas. here we are ! i guess ill go chronologically so the story makes sense,, if i miss anythinging im positive futrure me will fill in the gaps, but my memory is pretty shit tbh.

Before we ~officially~ start i guess ill introduce myself. i have a name (as does everyone fucking duh) but ive recently realized i dont feel like my name is mine. cant really explan it exaclty right now but in the last couple of months, ive gotten really angry that people call me by name,, whose to know whyy /s. realistically it’s probably due to the fact that im not a woman and haven’t been for many years now. i think im just scared to really admit it ? like i really dont like who i am, i dont fit in, and im so fucking sad all the time but im scared to start exploring my gender identity for who knows what reason. if anyone knows, please enlighten me. im 25, single and have never had a parter, been on one failed date (yikes), and haven’t come out to my parents. big. oof yall. i have a job that is what i thought i wanted to do, but im second guessing it rn since there is so much im not able to address or even attempt to fix. FUN /s

cool intro down i guess. now to the beginning ish ?

my earliest memory is my mom feeling me smashed avocado, but apparently that never happened. im an only child who’s always wated a sibling. my childhood was very lonely. my parents essentially removed themselves from their families, so i didn’t grow up hanging out with cousins, grandparents, aunts/uncles, literally no one besides my 2 parents. the memories i have of my first house are fuzzy, but i feel like there were a lot of rooms for only 3 people. i lived on a quiet street with lots of families with children of different ages, but i dont have any memories of playing with kids on my street or going to anyone’s house for playdates and what not. not sure why.

i remember when i was really little (maybe like 4 or 5 ish??) we went on a trip to disneyland. i think we flew there instead of driving. one of the days my mom was putting my shoes on— they were brown winnie the pooh sandals with buckles at the ankle and i had this weird feeling. it felt like i was in a dream like i was maybe lucid dreamis sort of? and i had this weird oedipus complex for my mom. like i saw how much my dad loved her and i wanted that,, its odd nw that im reflecting on it and i know many people go through this stage of development but like why did 4 year old me think i could love and care for my mom the same way my dad did ?? fucking kid lol. anyway perhaps this is graphic but whatever. i remember i was on the edge of the bed and she was sitting on a chair she pulled up across from me. my foot was between he legs so she could buckle the strap on my shoe and my brain just told me to push my foot closer to her? idk idk. but i push my foot closer to her and like tapped it and i remeber feeling hmm like giddy ? like i was so happy i had done that and then i went to do it again and my mom had like thrown my foot off the chair and started yelling at me. rightfully so like totally not ok for a 4 year old to try and arouse their parent. but in that moment i went from being so fucking giddy and happy and almost proud to feeling so fucking ashamed and unloved. and as she was yelling at me i just cried and cried and i remember just not even wanting to go to disneyland anymore because i didnt want to be around my mom. wild. everything in my little world felt so fucking big that my parent telling me not to do somthing inappropriate made me not want to do the fucking disneyland run anymore.

i dont know what came out of the rest of the day but we Must have gone to disney or soemthing. now, you maay be thinking “oh getting yelled at for doing something made you not do it again” right? wrong. my dumb fucking pea brain wanted to chase that feeling agian so the next fucking day when my shoes were getting put on i tried to do it again. there wasnt any yelling that time though. i just remember my leg getting pushed again, my name being said sharply, and my mom telling me to put my shoes on by myself or to not wear shoes at all. and what do you think little me felt? disppointment, guilt, ashamed. all to be expected but it hit my world hard (again 4 years old. every little thing feels like the world is crashing).

how does this relate to the present? i dont fucking know but i might figure it out along the line. anywho theres other things i remember from this age of my life but they don’t really fit the theme im trying to follow so i wont bore yall with the extra details. didnt think this one would be so long but here we are. i cant wait for the highschool installments bc those are FOR SURE going to make me cry hahahahahahahahaha strap in.

on the dockett for next time: elementary school. probaly around 2nd or 3rd grade. little preview— the first time i was called a lesbian (derogatory) and, upon reflection, my first crush phew 😮‍💨

ps. i know there are probably spelling mistakes and im not following any grammar rules. stream of consciousness yall. cant really blame me plus its uhhh 3 am here so yall are already know whats up.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Hi again

I'm back here way sooner than I expected honestly. I'll start off with uh the week did NOT go to plan whatsoever but I'm trying to not end of the world mode off any and all deviation from my original plan sooo I am mostly okay with that. Ish. For one, I came to my senses and decided against the mini origami as filling. It woulda been cute yeah but she is a massive hoarder when it comes to any sort of sentimental shit so was just imagining her tryna store all 80 trillion of em and I was just like... nah...... lets not. I just told her the truth in the small aggressive take-the-damn-gift note I left. Plus I didn't sit there and try to rush like I thought I would. I actually accidentally did my own thing day one then shit just kept happening and... I boohooed and slept most of the week ngl 💀💀💀

THO one thing that happened that was slightly out of my control was my aunt invite/dragging me out to this event thingy. I believe I told yall I went to pride with her earlier this year and had a good time and apparently I didn't ruin it for them! Tho it's kinda bittersweet cause of a lot just.. family shit I wish I was young enough to stay ignorant to still. It was easy to play dumb growing up but now that I am a lot more emotionally intelligent annnnd now hang around with her alot its putting me in this corner that I have no clue how I'm going to get out of.

Anyway that was not the introduction to something as it probably sounded assss I have not slept in two days and while I am weirdly alert for whatever reason I am sure ASFFF not finna stay up tryna write. I alwayssss do it oml until I feel satistfied I'll go on and on. Basically tho, I was saying the 14th as R's brithday is on the 18th and I wanted to make sure that it'd be nearly guaranteed to be there in time so the plan was sending it 4 days early so it'd more than likely be there the day before and I could just tell her not to open (ah tho.. Im honestly just hype to see her reaction I dont think I'd bother to make her wait). Tho the concoction my aunt had me on... had other plans. I lost another day of my work week on Saturday to go with her and oh my god.. Sunday was out the question too. I wasn't so much gone gone it was just a LOT. I already crying the night before so I took like 900 or so tryna force myself to sleep before only to find out calcium can effect that stuff...? I don't know I could not sleep for the life of me even when I laid there chilling for at least an hour and a half. So no sleep + nearly a gram and most of it still floating around asss I took it not too long before all this + FOR ONCE NOT WATERED DOWN ALCOHOL (ish it was this big ass can of black cherry something) so I actually felt something fr + walking around and lowkey sweating.. + her possessed weed had me like. DONE. DONE DONE. I wanted to go to bed the entiiiiiree time I was there as I was shleepy plus I'm guessing since I don't smoke too often but I have a really hard time processing whats going on when Im off her weed so even with it mostly cooled off by the time I went home I died on the spot. Then I woke up, ate.. then promptly died for another 6.

Sooooo I sent it today. Lowkey in a panic as atp nothing was going to plan and I literally hadn't sent anything in the mail in so long I was scared I'd do it all wrong. I knew I could ask but. I am a ball of anxiety. Didn't even think of it til I was tryna calm down on the way back.

Tho explain to me how even with me getting just plain ass priority mail as the box I had on deck was bootleg and me previously calculating this shit out on the website and having everything seeming fine and dandy.

Only to look at the receipt and see that it's gonna come the day before more than likely

Like.. how on earth.

2 days?? AND I DIDNT HAVE TO PAY EXTRA????

I hope it's right! That'd be so convenient dude now I know whenever I'm sending her shit I only gotta time it for two days before

Annnd I know I still said I owed an explanation for my absence and shit and I am still holding myself accountable on that. Cause I mean.. what's the point in going back on my word on that you know?

This was just a little mini something to make it clear I did not die or anything. Plus the draft I was writing before was so fucking bad. SO bad. I was goneee tryna write while I was crying and the tears made me already shitty spelling so bad.. But the little tangent I went on was kinda sweet honestly. I neveer really get to joke about my grades in school so it was nice that me just talking shit about an old situation got me out my funk for a little. I think you'd be able to tell kinda. Or maybe only I can since I can see specifics on it that others wouldn't notice. I dunno. But yeah 2 stories about my notable bad grades in highschool. Its a more personal one so I would not be offended if this is where you'll stop reading. Just wanted to say I'm alr.

My dumb stories about my grades

I used to be on a robotics team

No.. not battlebots.. 🥲

Twas a FRC robotics team. Which means nothing to anyone outside the community but for people that've done it know all the hassle with that shit. My team was particularly bad with that. I was on a relatively historic team, one of last original teams that were still active, a triple digit team (very rare now as team numbers are given numerically and I think frc has like 8-10k teams now) annnd we had a few duties on top of just building a robot. Was a very involved rookie, mostly there for scholarship opportunities but I made a few friends there that made me stick around and in turn made me pretty reliable.

Which.. ah. I wish I could go back honestly. One of the worst times of my life. It was fun here and there, but for the most part it was just a lot to constantly stress on. First off, one of the only black people on the team and I was one of the few girls ("girls" sob sob) on the team

Im now fluid and while it doesnt bother me that people have and still mostly perceive me as a woman, having my womanhood highlighted for some buzz word shit/girlboss nonsense is a giant pet peeve of mine. One of the main reasons I moved onto fluidness. It's hard to explain honestly. I feel like I am a woman in some aspects but I'd rather it not be acknowledged. The fluidness would be in like how little I want that piece of me acknowledged. Somedays I'm completely chill and you can call me ma'am and use she/her without me even noticing it really. But other days that shit. Stings. I'll go out my way to look more neutral and I hope that even for a second people question what to call me. She/her is still pretty whateverish but fem terms piss me off to an extreme. These days I try to stay Isolated for the most part cause it's so bad I'd be on the verge of tears/in a blind rage over someone simply calling me young lady. I fully acknowledge that part of it ain't cool so I'm trying to better about making preferred terms clear during that stuff and even with that I try to avoid talking so I don't even have the opportunity to be misgendered

But with that all being said... my womanhood being tokenized WITH my blackness?? Hell. Hellllllllll.

I at the time didn't recognize my fluidness but having those non woman days back then and still having to be the bubbly girl rookie for a good I think 20-25ish hours a week was a lot. I was a tryna be the bubbly girl everyone expected me to be while also being shoved into a leadership position because of that previously mentioned tokenization. Which was hard as is. I wish I could go back then and just show my dumbass what I am now. I'm sure I woulda quit on the spot annnd came to my spicy basics style that I am now :)

Ah but slight tangent. Anyway uh that all was going on but I actually had more there going on. Our team was also had a lot of cattiniess and fakeness going on. A longtime family of the team had previous issues with them shoving their kids to the center of attention with EVERYTHINGGG. It was extremely frustrating as they'd want them to be the leader of anything worth a damn. On one hand, made sense. They were very talented and they were experienced in a lot of the shit we were doing. However, it ain't exactly a great look to have the team be essentially these two and everyone else just being the help. Plus, one was a junior and we had a strict rule about no one coming back to be a mentor for at least 2 years after you graduated hs (cause of previous events/drama before my time there, lowkey think it's a massive mistake as most alumni build enough of a life outside of the team in the time to the point that they can't/won't come back 95% of the time) so once he left it'd leave a huge skill gap if we allowed it. That and, I won't lie, the boys were dicks when they got down to business (a weirdly common trait with future engineering/computer science majors for whatever reason). While even in the short time I knew them I could see it mostly being due to their parents treatment of them, it was not a common thing apparently.

I tried to stick up for them where I could and talk and scold them when I could see they were out of line. I'm not usually all that bold but. At that point I was there more than I was home so I got a lot more comfortable airing my opinions there. Welp. Sort of. Me doing that somehow someway turned me into the fucking teams therapist. It was okay at first when I was handling a pair of privileged but well meaning and confused boys and it was all of my own will. But that shit turned into EVERYONE coming to me for shit like that. I've heard damn near everyone's dirty secrets at that point

Shoot. Mentors going through divorce and fantasizing/crushing on other mentors, them same grown ass mentors coming to me to whine and ask about the boys, this one team member with a weird savior complex that led him to whine and throw tantrum after tantrum since he wasn't getting his way, meeting my ex best friend and dealing with her abusive mother and her various now very obvious bpd related relationship issues, met my ex through that and promptly got groomed...

That was on top of the already complicated duties of just being on the damn team anyway. We were there damn near everyday for at least 3 hours at a time, including over 12 hour days on Saturdays. I was being pulled in every direction. Every two seconds I was tending one issue or another. Either dealing with the two faced team that would talk all partnership and fairness at large meetings and gatherings but regularly talk shit about any and everyone on the team, running to the rescue of my ex best friend whether that was wiping her tears because of something her mom said or did or helping her get with whatever dude she was interested in at the time or listening to my ex's whining about whatever he was stressing on which was usually my ex best friend that he played being over but like 2 mo after he fucked me over claimed he was always in love with. Just a lot for a 15-16 y/o to be dealing with. Especially with me going from not having friends close enough to have issues like that to having EVERYONE seeing me as they damn bestie

Which led to me to severely neglect myself. I wasn't showering the way I should, I was constantly picking at my skin (mostly my face ngl) and I started cutting around this time. I was extremely suicidal as well but I knew if I killed myself at that time it'd be a massive inconvenience for everyone since they were all depending on me. I started talking to my ex all night and sleeping every other day to accommodate. I started to completely forget about school entirely.

My grades tanked by my standards. I usually keep mostly high A's with a few B's in classes that were less lenient with my forgetfulness when it came to homework. But I started going from that to mostly b's and a few a's. I was just exhausted. I was ripping and running almost everyday and it wasn't even at its peak

The second semester was a lot more hectic with robotics, we had competitions left and right which started making me behind in a few classes. We at first would just miss a friday here and there but then it started to be Thursdays and fridays. THEN a week for world champs which was AWFUL to catch up from. Most of the teachers did not care that we were dipping and just gave us the work and we were to have it done by like... either the day we came back or a few days after. It varied ofc and i cant remember specifics specifics but i know it wasnt that that lenient.

Plus heightened tensions with the team as it was build/comp season, it was bad. Constant drama. Constant. I couldn't escape it. Shit tankkkkkked my GPA. Even as the comps and shit slowed down it was still so much extra and around this time I was in the "talking stage" with my ex and I was sometimes going days and days not sleeping tryna talk with him, with a quick nap for the like hour and a half I was home before robotics..

I semi fixed it by the end of the year. Mostly anyway. My ex best friend had an incident that landed her in mental institutes a few diff times so I had one less client to worry about for a little while. Once she came back I think me and my ex started dating like 2 weeks before the seniors graduated and left which was like a month before the rest of us got out. All that going on made me semi relax and get my shit together

It was as fixed as it could be lmao. I think I had a single A and all the rest were B's with an exception of economics....

Most teachers just ain't say nothing when I'd set an old assignment somewhere. They'd grade jt and boom. That's that. The teachers that would notice notice I didn't even bother trying and I'd instead do the last few assignments to the best of my ability and make sure I'd ace or damn near ace every test and that month with me dating my ex but not seeing him at school made things a lot easier. I didn't think I really needed to like FIGHT to keep his attention as much so I was sleeping more often. Plus, drama teamwise got a lot better as most of the team graduated and we went back to the non comp season schedule so wayyyyyyy less meetings and shorter ones too. Overall more sleep and less stress so more focus on school

Man.. and side note why the first week I was with my ex my skin damm near completely cleared?? That shit makes me want to kms looking back that is NOT fair 😭

Anyway. Everything got a lot better and having an entire month to pretty much exclusively focus on school was great. It was bout 30ish of the workload so long as I wasn't doing absolutes nothing through the year I could get a decentish grade. Plus, my issue was never that I wasn't understanding or remember what they were teaching. I would wear an earbud and listen to music during class and the switching focus between that helped me remember stuff better as I wasn't daydreaming or thinking as much.

Sooo for most I was all good. The tests were good, sleep was good, some old assignments were put in and all my new ones were pretty much 85-100 everytime, and most tests were a breeze. The assignments definitely helped ofc but for most classes me having consistently great test scores kept me at a mid-high grade anyway so the assignments just leveled shit out.

ECONOMICS HOWEVER. Holy God bruh. THE SHIT WAS ASSSS. The teacher I got was notorious for her horrible teaching, to the point multiple seniors warned me to switch out of her class if I got her. But, my dumbass not understanding how to do that mess, I was too honest on why I wanted to switch classes and got sat down and denied. They told me they couldn't switch me for shit like that and they said she had a whole other teacher with her now so it should be better anyway

Wrong.

Horrible bruh. HORRIBLE. 99% of the tests were just shit from her PowerPoints which was only vaguely related to the textbook. The extra teacher did us a favor and pointed out to focus on the PowerPoints and that helped a TON on tests. I would for the most part get near perfect/perfect scores as I literally didn't even have to attempt to read or anything. It was usually line for line from the PowerPoint

But there was two issues with that model

One: the little workbook/packet we were supposed to be working through with each chapter were mostly textbook based. Which was kinds hard as you were teaching yourself for the most part with that mess as the PowerPoints explained everything completely differently from the textbook and had their own examples. I usually didn't even bother cause I'd either be lost at what I was doing or it'd be some shit like oh make a poem about this or draw this and I'm like what? Fuck that wth

But two is what did it. The seemingly standard of tests being worth more than assignments was the opposite in her class. So I could sit there and clearly show that I was paying attention and I understand the concepts she was teaching and still fail the course since I didn't do the petty activities she'd copy and paste from the textbooks

I tried to argue my point as I literally only got the d because of my nearly perfect test score on the final which SHOULD BE THE IMPORTANT THING as that shows I learned wth I needed to. But a combination of an already stubborn teacher, her weird beef with me that was ongoing that entire semester (didn't believe I was in robotics fr and also got confirmed as a racist a little while into my senior year which made a few more things click as well.. 💀💀💀) and her doubt that I even actually understood the material as if I cheated... when I was usually one of the first done with the damn test just led me to drop it and deal with it

I ended up retaking the class my senior year as our school had a grade replacement policy and a special class I took had me ahead with credits anyway. Oddly enough got the same teacher again which was odd... but got it in the same hour with my youngest sister (that I live with anyway). She didn't get the extra teacher this year as dude quit last year but it didn't end up mattering cause of the pandemic. Waaaaayyy less focus on textbooks period as they ain't wanna figure out how they were gonna deal with sanitizing em so she changed her assignments accordingly. She acted stupid and acted like she didn't remember me... while ofc remembering to mispronounce my name everytime she said it 🙃

It was soo petty lmfao. I didn't even realize she was doing it until my sister corrected her a few different times. The way she was saying it was pretty common so i usually don't bother to correct people if they use that name instead as I've grown so used to it its basically a second name atp. But my sister ofc ain't used to it so she'd correct her everytime she said it. To give her credit, pandemic made it where we were completely online on semester and the next we were in 2 days a week, but at the same point... cmon now. It ain't even that deep 😭

I think like a month into us being back semi in person she called somebody a nigger bruh.. not in our class or anything but nonetheless it happened. I didn't hear too much of the context but it happened in her 4th hour class annnd she babied them the entire year to keep em from getting her fired. Like deadass buying pizza for these mfs, skipping assignments, taking em outside and turning a blind eye to a few seniors dipping when they was out. The whooooole shebang bro. That shit instantly made so much small shit she was doing in my sophomore year make total sense. I shoulda aggravated her and got her exposed earlier bruh....

Now gym???

Dude can kiss my dick bruh man was out here tryna tell my big ass to run mostly 85-100 degree weather when I not only TOOK THAT SHIT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL SPECIFICALLY SO I WPULDNT NEED TO IN HIGH SCHOOL but it ain't count cause of differences in the districts/states requirements but also had that mess as a third hour class, which meant a whole nother hour of sitting there sweaty af in another class until lunch. If I woulda had it as a 4th hour class I woulda been chill on that as lunch meant I wasn't rushing to anywhere and I could prolly whole ass lunch period to wash up if I wanted to.

But 3rd???

Got me fucked bruh

I'm not gon sit there sweaty and gross and only get 15 mins to change and get to a class across the campus (open campus thing.. no hallways just a big ass field with buildings and stairs around for the actual classrooms. Semi makes sense but still the most backwards shit I've ever seen) ANNND sit there still sweaty and half dead in a whole diff class

Semester before I barely got a B cause it started cool down to junk like 60-75 which is wayyyyy more my speed and I could do more without sweating too bad. Tho I was one of the only ones that ain't run. I wouldn't do any more than like.. 20 sec bursts with a looooooong ass recovery time. So warmup running shit was 95% walking for me and the mile ain't even attempt. I got a cool 21 mins on that shir 💀💀💀

The semester after is where it came to a head. By April I abandoned even them few seconds of running as by that point we were LUCKY to get anything under 95 and I was done just being out there. Going from MI's prolly 75-80ish spring/early summr and it not even mattering as we'd be indoor with ac all day to whole fucking sports and shit outside.. hell nah

We FINALLY start coming inside to play instead like 2-3 weeks before we dipped for summer break cause it was consistently 100 degree weather and even mfs that lived in AZ all they lives was going through it. Sooo we did our thing, I still ain't run out of habit ofc ofc but I did semi well at volleyball and badminton so that wasn't too notable. Gave me a bit of a boost so I went from like.. lowish c to a mid c which was cool

Then. Oh my god. Bro. So I got a like. Prolly 60 on the mile. Got it on some technicality that I didn't know about so I was pretty shocked on that. Second semester tho it was like over 100 and he'd be out his mind asking ANYONE to run out there. So instead of letting everyone else run while I leisurely waik and call it a day, we instead did the pacer teat

Dude explained it all to us. Basically was like every one pacer thingy is one percent. So, you'd have to run 100 of em to get a perfect score. There were ofc, the few dudes acting like this was some alpha male contest and kept going past that to show out, plus get extra credit, only to be told that was never part of the plan and they did that for no reason 😵‍💫

Ah but rewind mb mb. Uh dude explained and I was like... oh shit. Yeah I'm failing tf out this. The highest I've EVER gotten was a 26 in like.. elementary school. Shit was like 3rd-4th grade and I had since gotten A. Lot older and less active and B. Fatter. I've been overweight but not morbidly so my entire life. I think I'm now barely plus size. Kinda varying on where I'm getting the shit I'm either on the very end of normal sizing or the very very beginning of plus sizing, 0x. Uh which is oddly hard to find

Ah tangent tangent anyway yeah. I'm sitting there like fuck yeah I'm failing th out this final. At my peak I would be getting a 25% and I knew damn sure I wasn't at my peak. So I start calculating it all out.... I'd have to get like 50-60ish laps to pass the class. I'm already coming to terms with it, thinking about taking a summer class for it and keeping it moving, when dude stopped me at the end of class and STRESSED that I ran. Which lowkey pisaed me off ngl... uh but I knew why he did so I tried to not be spiteful the day of

I was tryna be a good little student. Got a matcha latte (soy. Tastes better + I'm lactose intolerant 😮‍💨) before and everything, thinking the little bit of caffeine would help

Only to damn near puke when I was running....

I could literally feel the shit sloshing around as I was going and I was like okay. I might gon head and do it so I can get out this shit early. But then I was sitting there like. Damn. Sweaty. Puke covered. And my mom works as I'm at school so I'd have to either hope that she come get me or the more likely option is they gon send me to the nurse, have me change back to my normal shit, then go back to it. Which was like ???? Nah what fuck that

I got a fucking 7 on my final bruh

😭😭😭

Dude came up to me like bro wth. You can do more. And the combo of me already being annoyed of him steady going out his way to point me out and me genuinely feeling like shit, I was just kinda bluntly like, I feel sick and I'm not chancing having to call my out of work for me to shower. He argued a bit I kinda just blinked and repeated myself lmao

Ig he felt bad or he was done with my bs but he last second made it a thing that you could continue walking laps around for partial credit. Which me and a few other people did. Which took my shit to like. I think a 50. Not amazing but no summer school so I was content. I had a high d+ but our school for whatever reason did not do the -/+ system at all for final grades. So whether you got a 90 or 100, you got a 4.0 A. Which was cool on one hand as you had a tooooon of wiggle room with grades but it was horribleeee when it came to cases like mine

Deadass was like... .2% from a 2.0. Which was like. Bruh. If I woulda got a 1.7, prolly still woulda asked for the extra .2 but at the end of the day it wouldn'tve been that big of a deal if they said no. BUT A WHOLE GRADE POINT AVERAGE LOWER? No.

So I asked. I didn't make it a big deal at first as I've never had to ask that sort of thing and I thought my argument was pretty sensible as is. And to my shock he ain't even say nothing back. Dude just did the shit and kept it moving. I'm sure he was tired of my bum ass steady working his nerves but I was not complaining. Wrote him a whole thank you email and kept it moving B)

Mb bruh massive tangent I never get to talk about that stuff anymore and it was like I was reliving it all in my head for a second 😭

[sunookkii]

hey i know request are closed but this idea just got stuck in my mind and i wanted you to write sum about it if you like it 😭 so basically its an enha reaction/scenario ? where they forget your birthday, (maybe not in a bad way but i dont mind if its angst) hope ur good btw !! <3

a/n : OMG WAIT SRY TO ALL THE OTHER REQUESTS BUT THIS ONE FOR SUM REASON REALLY STUCK OUT TO ME i hope you enjoyyy ;) also I wrote so much I’m so sorry- [not really read proof~]

Also i am well ty for asking >.<

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.enhypen imagine ˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚ₓ

Enhypen forgetting your bday~

Genre : angsty ish

Warnings : mentions of food, crying, one swear word??

Requested : yes ty beautiful person ;)

Heeseung :

Okay okay so its your birthdayyy and you were really excited for what to happen because you wanted to see what kind of surprise your boyfriend did for your birthday

But to your luck he forgot :(

So you spent all day giving him hints like ‘what day is it’ and at one point you gave up and started pouting really hard

And your face was just overall sad everyone else had remembered your birthday including the members, but for your boyfriend to forget it lowkey hurt

Almost half the day passed and he still didn’t remember

So you ended up going into the room by yourself and started to cry

Your whimpers got louder and louder even though you were trying your best to stay quiet so he doesn’t hear

A few minutes past by and heeseung started looking for you because he sensed something was wrong.

He looked on the calendar really really carefully and FINALLY he came to his realization that it was your birthday but it was kinda too late cuz you hid yourself in your room to cry.

He came into your room to wish you a happy birthday but he sees you curled up into a ball crying to yourself

He felt so bad after this happened, “IM SO SORRY IM SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME I WONT EVER GORGET AGAIN!”

He hugs you so tight as if your life depended on it, won’t leave you out of his sight for the rest of the day. You’ll be hearing a lot of hbds and ilys for the rest of the day~

^ so yeah 🤕

Jay :

I feel like it’s rare that he forgets these type of dates buut for the sake of tumblr lets pretend he completely forgot 😧

You woke up in a great mood because it was your birthday of course

You were expecting to be receive a hbd wish from your boyfriend, but nope nothing all morning.

You received a bunch of hbd wishes on Instagram and other platforms mentioning you, but none of them were from jay :(

You quickly got frustrated and because it was your birthday and your bf the person you love most didn’t remember really hurt

So gradually your face became wet from heated silent tears. But unlike heeseung he would super quickly notice because he’s on his phone a lot and he dates things like ‘y/ns bday’ (idk but I imagine him dating things on his phone)

He’d then be like OH SHIT ITS YN’s BD

Runs to you soooooo quick just to see your face red and a bit wet.

Once your eyes connected your tears started to come out quicker

He literally runs up to you to hug you HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IM SO SORRY I FORGOT

After he said that he ran away from you leaving you alone, which made your heart drop thinking that he didn’t care.

But once you finally came out of your room you were greeted with a homemade delicious cake your boyfriend made for you that looked like this

You could tell he felt really bad bc usually he always had a smile on his face while cooking but this time it was a ‘I’m sorry’ face

“I’m really really sorry please forgive me”

All was forgiven bc the cake tasted so mf ing good

Jake :

It was your birthday today, a day that only came once a year so like any other human being it’s a special day for you

You were super excited to see what Jake did for you, because every birthday you had with him was always such a surprise

But today was sort of… different? :(

You saw jake in the living room on the tv and went straight up to him with a smiley face. “GOOODMORNINGGG” 😁

After cuddling for a while on the couch you lifted up your head and asked him If he knew what day it was, he just replyed with a simple Wednesday? With a confused face

I’m pretty sure that one word was enough to make you pretty upset 😅🥲

You started to pout and went back into his chest with a disappointed face.

“Ahh what what, what day is it tell me?” He said playfully, not realizing it was your birthday.

You stayed silent as he checked his phone, ‘y/n’s birthday don’t forget’

When i tell you he gasped he GASPED.

You were already in the verge of tears “IM SO SORRY HBD BABY”

You were still a bit upset at him so you replied with ‘did you really need your phone to tell me what day it was’ 😕

He hugs you tighter while mumbling ‘hbd hbd hbd’

Suddenly let you go of his arms and said he had an errand. Without any explanation he got his car keys to go somewhere leaving you and your thoughts by yourself.

‘Does he not love me anymore that he doesn’t even want to spend time with me on my birthday? ☹️😭”

A while later he comes back and you’re luckily still on the couch where he left you

^^this dude came back with three beautiful cakes from your local cake stores. “I’m bacccckkkk!! please forgive meeeee you know i love you with all my heart 🥺” (okay i hate to use this emoji but there isn’t any other way to describe it TT)

You obviously forgave him because you know it was never his intention to forget,,, “you owe me hugs and kisses for the rest of the day :(“ kindly accepts your request because that is something he’d never complain about #freecuddlesfromyn

Sunghoon :

Okay but like hear me out he’s the type of boyfriend that would ‘pretend’ he forgot your birthday but he actually didn’t

So when he ACTUALLY forgot you just thought he was joking until…

“Hooonieeee, stop joking around I’m seriouss”

“I’m serious too i seriously don’t know what day it is”

“What…”

You leave him for a bit alone with his thoughts, not even gna lie if he did end up forgetting your bday it would take him a while to remember it

But once he remembers he feels so bad 😭

Tackles you with so many hugs and bday kisses and showers you with I’m sorrys and hbd wishes

genuinely ask himself how he forgot the lohls birthday (love of his life’s) literally beats himself for it

And you have to tell him that it’s fine and that you forgive him~

Brings out the birthday cake and sings you a happy birthday song while clapping and laughing.

Puts cake on your nose

Sunoo :

Idk if he’s the type to forget but like jay I don’t think he’d forget

I feel like to him birthdays are the MOST special thing/ date for a person

Like obviously the rest of the members think that but especially sunoo really like sticks to this

So if he had forgotten your birthday you were sooo hurt you ignored him the whole day keeping your distance until he finally remembered

Once he remembered he went to go find you ASAP where you were hiding int he corner of the bedroom moping

He showers you with hugs cuddles kisses pecks, you name it he does it

He feels so bad that he could forget smtg like this, literally asks himself how he could forget such an important date

If the convenience store was still open he’d run to the nearest store and surprise you with a birthday cake. But not just any cake it’d be a cake that was decorated by the one and only Kim Sunoo

Would prepare it so nicely and even have a lit up candle so you can wish on it.

the type to surprise you with it even though he forgot. Brings it to your room while singing the hbd song.

Puts cake frosting on your nose #2, takes lots and lots of pictures to post on insta later

caption : “happy birthday sunshine~”

Jungwon :

he was on the couch as per usual just scrolling through his phone to keep himself occupied but also updated

Not knowing what day it was,,,,,,,

you come outside of your bedroom excitedly to expect a wishful happy birthday wish from the person you love most

But for some reason it oddly seemed like a normal day

“Wonnniiieee my loveeee, guess what day it is!” You said with a sheepish smile

“Hmm wednesday?” He said looking up at you with a calm face

Your happy smile soon became a little pout

“You really don’t know?”

“Isn’t it just a regular Wednesday? Why is there something special?”

oh my- he broke your heart right then and there

You run back into your room because you feel heated tears about to fall, even though it was something small the thought of him not remembering your birthday the day of your birth hurt. A little.

Jungwon was actually super clueless he genuinely didn’t know what day it is but something about you seemed off and the way you ran to your room was quite odd to him so he went and followed you

Before he opened the door he already heard small whimpers from the corner of the bed, and that immediately triggered him and he was about to beat up anyone that made you feel sad 😠 little did he know it was him who made you feel that way

“Baby what’s wrong? Why are you crying”

He holds your chin and turns it to get a better look

wiping your tears with his thumb, you were being a dramatic his giggles make you feel a bit better even though you were mad at him for forgetting

“You forgot my birthday.” You said to him while crying

You can literally see the gears in his brain start to turn when his face went from 😄 -> 😳

“IM SO SORRY IM SO SORRY” hugs you so tight that you literally can’t breathe

Doesn’t know what to do to make you feel better, “I’m really sorry for forgetting your birthday, I don’t really know what got into me, please forgive me.”< cue the cutest kitty puppy eyes

He kept on rambling on abt how he was sorry and deserves your forgiveness you literally had to shut him up, he was sorry please forgive him >~<

Cuddles you for the rest of the day

Niki :

He was playing video games normally on his phone, until you excitedly stormed into his room “hiiiii babbbbyyyy”

“Well someone is happy today :)”

“Well of course bc u know what day it isss ;)”

“Wednesday?”

😧😦 < that’s what you looked like when he didn’t know, “you really don’t remember?”

“hmm I’m not too sure” he said before going back to his game

you slowly became disappointed and just ‘celebrated’ your birthday by yourself in the kitchen. :,((

he didn’t notice that you were sad at first bc he was busy playing on his phone, around an hour later he went to the kitchen to get a snack when he sees you in the kitchen staring into space rested your chin on you arm.

‘Are you okay? You seemed fine earlier’

You decided to play the silent game and just avoided him... so he tried to get you to talk to him but after a while it didn’t work so he sort of gave up and went to ask his hyungs what’s wrong with you.

“Niki,,, it’s y/n’s birthday omg did you forget??????” Jake said texting niki

and that’s when the lightbulb in his brain turned on

He rushed to the kitchen and back hugged you so tight and gave you so many cheekie kissies to try and make up for ‘forgetting’

But to his luck you were still mad at him

Soooo he came up with the idea of going to the convenience store really quick to get you a bunch of flowers and a nice cake to surprise you~

You ended up forgiving him because he was tickling you threatening you to forgive him

N knowing Niki he’s not a person you can be mad at for long <3

[virtual-luvr]

Thank me later

Pairing: Kaoru x Reader, Hikaru x Reader (platonic)

Pronouns: he/him

Content: cheating but not actual cheating (just a misunderstanding), angst to fluff

Description: while it was only a misunderstanding, Hikaru tried to comfort you as best as possible.

Note: cheating isn't really my thing buT this was lowkey fun to write. Request on wattpad :D

------------------

There you sat, under a large tree, a few tears slipping down your face.

Reason for your tears was your boyfriend Kaoru.

Even thinking about him made your stomach turn. The only thing coming to mind is the sight of the girl oh so close to Kaoru and them kissing as if you werent there.

Why? You ask yourself, just why?

Maybe you were being delusional, maybe it was a misunderstanding.

But it sure broke your heart to see your boyfriend so close to her when he usually didn't like you being that close.

He said it was because if you both talked about your relationship, bad things could happen to the clubs business. While Kaoru didnt really care as much, Kyoya didn't like the idea.

So you just went on in your day without visiting the club as much, even though you had been invited as a host many times it wasn't your type of thing.

Sometimes you wish you had joined just to make sure things like what you just saw, werent something regular.

While you tried not to get pissed off in the school courtyard a hand was placed on your shoulder.

As you look up you see Hikaru, Kaoru's twin, smiling at you.

Just as the smile set on his face, he suddenly frowned.

Seeing the small tears welling up in your eyes and permanent frown set on your face.

"Whats wrong?" He says while sitting beside you, hand nearing your face to place a lock of your hair behind your ear.

"Kaoru...he-" you try to say but it gets hard to let out any noise.

Hikaru's facial expression turned sour, eyebrows furrowed and eyes glaring. He had known about your guys relationship and he loved you dearly, he was very happy you guys got together but he didn't like how Kaoru immediatly tried to keep it a secret.

"What did he do?"

"A girl, I saw a girl kiss him. At the host club"

At your words Hikaru got even more tense then you thought possible.

"Im so sorry...thats not something very common at the club but sometimes some of them like to do that. I'll talk to him okay? I know he loves you very much, he just doesn't express it well and I know thats hard for you as well"

"But- what if he liked it, what if he wants to be with her instead?" You question, it was something that you knew wouldnt happen but your anxiety got the best of you.

Hikaru gave you a big hug and a warm embrace. He sighs before he starts talking again, "Kaoru loves you, ive never seen him love like this but, its very noticeable that he cares for you so much. I dont know why he wants to keep it a secret any more at this point"

You let out a small sob at his words, you know Hikarus words were true but it still hurt so much that he seemed to prioritize the club over you. You wished he could put both on the same level.

"Come with me okay? We'll talk about it together, I dont want to leave you here alone"

And so after that he helped you up and you both walked over to the clubs location. You taking smaller steps to delay the inevitable while Hikaru took big steps, striding almost.

As you walk up to the doors you see Kaoru frantically looking around.

"Thank me later" Hikaru says and Kaoru looks up.

And thats when you see the tears building up in Karous own eyes.

He yells out your name and runs up to you.

You fall back, almost hitting the ground, but Karou holds onto you.

He immediatly starts babbling, you were only able to understand a few words out of the million that he says in just a few seconds.

Saying stuff like 'im sorry' repeating it over and over again.

As you look for Hikaru for some sort of explanation, he isnt even there.

Suddenly Kaoru grabs your face softly, making you have steady eye contact with him.

As he sees the tear tracks on your face he starts sobbing a bit.

"Im so sorry, please forgive me, ill even leave the club. Please, I didnt want her to kiss me, I pushed her away as soon as I could. I love you so much"

"Wait, you pushed her away?"

He looks at you as if you were crazy, "of course I pushed her away! Tamaki even told her to leave right after. I tried looking for you but I didn't see you anywhere, all I know was that I saw you enter right before she decided to kiss me"

So...it was all a big misunderstanding-

You stood there shocked, you really thought he had almost cheated on you.

Now that you look back, why were you even crying, Kaoru loved you so much. Even Hikaru said so himself.

Gods you were a bit of an idiot-

You smile sheepishly at him as you let out a nervous chuckle, and he looks at you confused.

"I thought, you had cheated on me-"

"Baby, I love you so much. You're my boyfriend, and I am your boyfriend. Nothing is going to change that, and you know what I'm going to talk to Kyoya. He either lets me tell everyone about our relationship or im leaving the club"

"Are you sure? You don't....have to do that"

That was a bit of a lie, he should.

"Im doing it, nothing can stop me"

Kaoru leans in to give you a kiss but you stop him by putting a hand on his mouth.

"You are not kissing me when that bitch kissed you like twenty minutes ago"

He deadpans at your words, sad that he isnt able to kiss his boyfriend and be able to finally make up with you.

Kaoru quickly swipes his lips with the back of his hand, aggressively trying to wake away any lipstick left from her mouth.

As he finishes he dips in for a kiss, not letting you hold a hand to his mouth this time. Letting out a small noise of happiness since he finally gets to kiss you again.

"You're gunna have to thank your brother later" you say in-between kisses.

[1119 words; feb/9/21]

[extravalgant]

the seven main schools (+ astral & shadow) as flowers

NOTE: i did not dive too deep into researching for this and most of the information i got for this post i got from this site . please dont come after me if i get a meaning wrong IM TRYING MY BEST!!! moving on

this is going to be a LONG POST so sit tight

myth - clematis (also known as traveller’s joy, old man’s beard)

i chose clematis mainly for its meaning: representing artifice, ingenuity and mental beauty. i think part of being a conjurer means that the world is only as big as you make it, and part of it is utilizing your imagination to its fullest extent. mental beauty and ingenuity go hand in hand with being creative, but artifice, in this flower symbolism, means to be cunning or be deceitful. i also think this comes from cyrus drake also being your teacher, which means he would teach in a style that would want you to exploit the weaknesses of the creatures that you summon (that being, calling their true name) in order for them to do your bidding. 

“Myth dwells between Fire and Ice, for that is where the shadows lie, and Myths are the shadowy forms of thought made real.”

storm - gladiolus (also known as a sword lily)

urgh.... storm was such a hard school to choose a flower for @_@ according to the wizard101 site storm is also based on creativity, but since we already had that sort of meaning attached to myth, i decided to go with the next best thing which is that gladiolus represents strength, strong character, honor and moral integrity. i feel like it’s pretty well known fact that storm is a hitting school, and a pretty well known one at that - their reputation as a power school is pervasive through all wizarding circles. i feel like this is also where a diviner’s sense of pride comes from - being able to one-hit ko enemies and brandish your power proudly. 

amazingly enough, the wizard101 site also addresses this, saying that, “the Storm School will train its student wizards to do a lot of damage. Storm Wizards have the ability to unleash high amounts of damage from an early level, which is good, but they place too much emphasis on power, and therefore suffer in terms of accuracy.”

placing too much emphasis on power... very interesting indeed

death - papaver (poppy)

death was ALSO a super hard school to pick a flower for. i debated between the dracula, the poppy, and the spider lily before deciding to settle with the poppy. I chose poppies in particular because “Poppies have long been used as a symbol of sleep, peace, and death: Sleep because the opium extracted from them is a sedative, and death because of the common blood-red color of the red poppy in particular.” source 

I FEEL AS IF THE SPIDER LILY WOULD HAVE BEEN TOO EASY OF A CHOICE but i wanted to encompass all the meanings that death has and has been associated with. some people associate death with peace (at being in a “”better place””), and some people sometimes to describe it as “sleeping” to a younger audience with no death awareness. also heres a nice little excerpt from the w101 site: “Death is about ending and closure. All things pass eventually, and time cannot be held back forever. Wizards devoted to Death Magic, known as Necromancers, understand this fact about everything around them and strive to face it without fear.”

ice - magnolia 

as soon as i saw this flower and its description it was PERFECT for ice. magnolias represent longevity and perseverance, due to the fact that magnolias are believed to have existed even at the beginning of time. the ice schools main theme is about persistance - which is to say, that if you’re patient and determined, you will collect the fruits of your labor in the end. 

the school page even says this, noting that “The Ice School will train its student wizards to take high amounts of damage and survive.” To thaumaturges, it is simply about surviving to see the end of the battle, and that’s what their play style involves. both magnolias and thaumaturges have that in common : persist and survive.

fire - ixora (also known as jungle flame, flame of the woods)

it was also hard choosing a plant for fire, seeing as so many plants can be described as “passionate” in a symbolic sense. it was between this and orange tulips, but i felt that both the names “jungle flame” and “flame of the woods” both fit fire’s theme. that being said, ixora’s represent passion - the core of fire’s development and description. it is the “bright, burning flame of raw emotion sweeping over everything.” (w101)

fire wizards mainly utilize damage over time spells, which reminds me that a frog boiling in a pot will leap immediately out of the water if its too hot, but will stay until it dies if the water’s temperature reaches steadily. while fire’s general message are that it may consume everything it touches, and how pyromancers are quick to anger and tempestuous, fire plays the longer game by slow roasting their enemies until it is too late for them.

balance - cosmos

when i saw this flower and its meanings there was literally no chance any other flower could compare omg

balance is described as finding the equality of everything and harmony. they are described as broad-minded, taught to be considerate of all things, as well as their own place in the world they live in. cosmos, in this case, represent order, peace, modesty and harmony -- all things which are important to a balance wizard. balance thrives in the company of others, simply because it was made in mind to help others in the heat of battle. “The Balance School will train its student wizards to be effective in group play.” (w101)

however as a result, they may appear as stand-offish and impassive, unable to choose a side or make a choice. such is life when you’re raised to consider all factors of every choice you make - every decision feels heavy.

life - achillea (also known as yarrow)

named after the greek hero achilles, legends would say that his soldiers would treat their wounds with this. source 

i chose achillea for life simply for the fact that it represents healing and protection, as well as it being used it being a versatile plant used to treat a variety of maladies or sicknesses - it’s been used as a medicinal plant for a long time across the world. 

life embodies “the spirit, the force of awareness and existence. It is about constant growth and movement.” (w101). theurgists are described as having simple pleasures in life, in revelling in the idea of the living, breathing, planet around you. it utilizes the song of creation, using it to weave life where there was none previously. it definitely has powerful roots in the canon storyline - i just wish it was utilized more through its play style. 

(astral) star - aster (also known as starwort, frost flower)

ok i dont have a deep meaning for this im sorry . i mainly chose aster simply because “aster” is derived from the Greek word “astron”, which means “star”, and because of the shape of its flowers. pretty simple reason but ill try my best to do it justice

however, aster is represented by patience and elegance -- star magic may be a lesser form of sun magic, simply because it is meant to power yourself rather than your spells. i think theres something inherently elegant about an aura wrapping itself around your figure, bending to the whim of your spells, as it both enhances your health or your spells. 

(astral) sun - datura (also known as devil’s trumpet)

Datura symbolizes power and caution. It is a powerful and deadly plant, but also a major religious and cultural symbol.

i chose datura’s for sun because sun is all about power -- datura is highly poisonous and very dangerous to be around. the main deal of the sun school is that they use spells to make their own stronger - it has the “power to endure, power to persevere, and power to change”. we don’t get much of a canon explanation for how sun magic works outside of battles, but i imagine that you have to be careful with sun magic, because as we know - absolute power corrupts absolutely. aint that neat

(astral) moon - protea

protea’s represent ingenuity, diversity, transformation and courage. a big part of moon magic is that it is all about change. changing your spells, your body, your thoughts -- it is symbolized by the moon because it goes through many changes (the tides, the phases of the moon, etc).

i feel as if moon magic might be one of the harder magics to master out of all the astral schools - the transformation into something else may not come as easy as star auras, or that it simply may be too hard on the caster in question, having to change their physical appearances and battle tactics to fit into a new one.

shadow - rhododendron

rhododendron’s represent temptation, caution and danger. 

despite how pretty it looks, the stems, leaves, and flowers can be poisonous to humans and pets if ingested. i feel as if that describes shadow perfectly -- the pleasant sight of these pretty flowers is enough to entice a person (wizard) forward, but you must be careful with how you handle this plant, or else you will end up facing dire consequences. (backlash)

shadow magic as a whole can be very tempting to those who seek it -- offering power that scales above others. but it is an advanced magic, and those who seek to play with it often end up paying the price with their lives (in this case, morganthe was crushed underneath the weight of power that shadow gave her). shadow can give you an upper hand, however, if used right -- and the wizard, for the most part, is using it right. 

shadow is mainly a cautionary tale of not playing with higher, advanced, magics with the wrong intentions.

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

I’d disagree with the anon that Paul was “incapable” of love, but I do agree he was very distanced, and pretty cruel (to women) when he was younger. (It was unfortunate they bought into the love at first sight myth, but he was also a charmer, and dropped affection and got colder after fucking them.)

But I just can’t see romantic interest on Paul’s end. I’m sure he loved John, but a lot of the “sexual/Romantic evidence” really can just be as construed as platonic love. I feel there may be some confirmation bias looking for “clues”. (Not an attack on anyone, but some of the analysises seem to try too hard, really).

He does make references, with the whole “calling him babe during concerts”, and “in bed” but that could just mean he’s not uncomfortable with coming off “gay”. He has a quote about it somewhere I think. He’s supportive of the community at any rate.

This is kind of my own bias, but at times I think he…plays it up a little during the present day? Again, I’m positive he did love John a lot, but with how he is, a charmer, good at manipulating his image, he knows there is a benefit to building up the “magical” Lennon McCartney dynamic. John’s dead, and the old conflicts have faded, so he has no reason not to. I don’t think he’s anti-social, or a psycho or anything, but he certainly does put a lot of thought into his image, especially now, with how he wants to leave his legacy.

I’m less knowledgeable about John, and the speculation about his mental illnesses, but on his end, I can certainly see it. Maybe he’s just blind, but the looks are very much…yeah. He does seem to rely Paul a lot, and hold him in very high regard (REGARDLESS of what those old male biographers might make of him). You just know he was suffering over Paul, poor bastard.

Not sure if anything happened. I think Paul knew though, and either ignored it, or was kind, knowing John wouldn’t act on it. OR he didn’t notice! With the whole “we shared beds A LOT. you would think he’d make a pass at me, darling~”

I guess that’s how I see it. I don’t really have strong feelings on the nature of their relationship, or want them to be “confirmed”, so I try to be as objective as possible! Not a shipper, but not a male biographer. In fact, I was very put off learning the ship was a thing at first! With every fan base “having to” ship the main male leads, that’s what I thought this was. But after three years, reading actual books, primary stuff, I’ve began to change my mind on its legitimacy, and this was my conclusion. But new information can always change!

(Sorry for the long long analysis, god! I just took my adderall and I should go eat! Feel free to block me for spam/harassment.)

Yeah, this is basically my big mclennon dilemma: did Paul love John?

Of course he loved him, but I mean did he harbour any homosexual feelings towards John - and I just go back and fourth on that a lot.

In my last response to an anon I wasn’t necessarily trying to argue that Paul was romantically/sexually attached to John, because all in all, I don’t believe he did - but it probably came off that way because I didn’t particularly like the way the anon had phrased some stuff (like calling him “a master manipulator” and “incapable of love”) and so I just sort of wanted to show that the relationship was more nuanced then just “john was simping for paul”. My overall point with that response was more so that whilst I think Paul struggles in showing real affection and emotions, I don’t think he was incapable of love prior to Linda. I think he did really love John (in whichever form of love you want to take it: romantically, platonically etc.)

And so my point I guess wasnt so much that Paul was always capable of love (because I think he did at least love his family, his close-friends, probably Jane etc.), but maybe more so that he was always capable of intimacy with another person, though he struggled with it.

But yeah, he was quite cruel to a lot of the girls he slept with in the 60s, but I wouldn’t say that suggests he was incapable of love (i know thats not what you’re saying but other people might interpret it through that lens) I would just say he was young, dumb, ridiculously rich and famous and not emotionally mature enough yet to really empathise with most of those girls. Not trying to completely excuse him, but like, i dunno, i always just try to view people from the most human perspective. Everyones an twat sometimes yknow

I also really struggle to see romance on Pauls behalf towards John - the only times I think “wait but maybe he did fancy john back” is when I read some of his lyrics (like in ‘Coming Up’, ‘Yvonne’s The One’, and to some extent ‘Here Today’ - though I think interpreting Here Today as strictly platonic love is still a valid interpretation). I mentioned this in a different post though, that analysing his lyrics just isnt particularly convincing for me, because it feels more like speculation - and also as someone who does write songs, I know that a lot of lyrics just arent as deep as we wish they were. It is really difficult to be truly introspective and honest in a song, without exaggerating or hyperbolising or fictionalising any autobiographical aspects.

I do see your point with Paul possibly playing up the “Lennon/McCartney m a g i c” - im not entirely sure how much I agree, but I do agree to some extent. I think he’s always been very image conscious, and being in what is probably the all-time most famous pop band definitely wouldve heightened that. Even as a teenager I think he’s always just had this natural charm about him, and that tends to stem I guess from a need to be liked; I think you can see it in every interview he’s ever done to be honest. Its not necessarily a bad thing, (because id take a charmer over a rude knobhead any day) but I guess it sort of just shows that Paul is flawed like everybody else. Also, just read @mothernatures-sons tags and I agree with her - Paul just knows when to be a nice person! Nothing wrong with that! It isnt manipulative like the last anon suggested, its just how most people are: polite :) Ive heard a lot of anecdotes from people who have worked with or met Paul and the majority of them say he was a just a nice guy. Not saying he was never an arsehole (cause yeah he was pretty cruel to those girls in the 60s) but I think overall, hes a pretty good guy 👍

On the other hand though, you could also say that superficial journalists are looking for superficial answers - and Paul knows what the people want to hear. But occasionally ill hear an interview that does seem more intimate then most - I havent listened to it in awhile, but the interview he did with Sean I remember felt more honest to me then most. And when he said he’d like to spend the day “in bed” with John, to me that felt like a genuine and fitting response. Because, whilst it has sexual connotations, it also just feels like he’s saying he’d just like to sit around, chat, dont chat, just whatever with John for a day. Like he would just like another moment of intimacy with him.

I think we are pretty much in agreement on most of this though! At first I was also like “nah, mclennon isnt real, teenage girls just love shipping guys!” (I am a teenaged girl and I can confirm this lol) but then it just sort of became apparent to me through reading more and more about their relationship that there probably was something more on Johns behalf. If John wasnt in love with Paul, then it feels as though a lot of things he said and did just dont add up (the big one for me is him marrying Yoko so soon after Paul married Linda - like I really cannot come up with a heterosexual explanation for that!)

But when it comes to Paul, though ill have moments of doubt, I dont think he was in love with John (homosexually) and I do think a lot of the evidence on Pauls behalf seems like a stretch (but like you, im not having a go at anyone, because I understand that it is easy to carried away, plus its fun - but realistically, most of Pauls evidence just is not convincing to me). He’s comfortable with his sexuality, and I really do try to respect that and not force a gay interpretation of quotes or songs from him, unless it is genuinely making me question his sexuality and mclennon.

PS dont worry, I didn’t take this is spam at all!! And also, I would never block someone just for disagreeing with me! I enjoy discussion and I think its good to engage with people who disagree with you! To be honest, id only block someone if they were purposely being a real arsehole <3

[garrothromeave]

the hell is mystreet season 6??

(warning, long post ahead)

ok so before i start this

1) ive never posted shiiiit on tumblr before so watch me suffer, im just here to talk about stuff that my friends who dont know anything about aphmau have to listen to me rant about for hours on end

2) i havent seen mystreet in like years (except season 3, i watch that frequently since im laurance and shadow knight deprived) so please bear with me because i might be completely wrong on this lol. it’s just like, pointing out things i remember

3) im sure someones already talked about this but who cares

4) im gonna do this stupid thing where i just explain myself a bit at first, if you dont want to read that just skip to the part where you see “the actual thingy:” in bold and italics 

5) mild disclaimer; i am completely aware that jessica is not a professional writer. i know that she did her best to appeal to her fans, and honestly, respect for that. while this post will come off as aggressive and probably look like hate, that’s not my intention in the slightest. it’s just... intense criticism. im sure y’all probably already know that, but yeah, just stating that anyways. i do believe that jess is doing her best, and in no way do i want to dismiss any hard work she’s done. that being said; prepare for a very strongly opinionated post.

haha watch there be 10000+ typos in this making me look like a complete dumbass

ok here we go 

one of the main reasons i stopped watching aphmau back in 2017 was the mess that was season 4. like, in the first few episodes of the emerald secret, i thought “woah!! this is kinda cool, im a sucker for mystery!” because of course i was, it was something new and something exciting. the only problem i had with it at the time was kim, but that’s just because i always found her annoying and out of place. i just didn’t understand why garroth dragged her along and honestly i still don’t to this day BUT, moving on.

anyways, as the season progressed, 13 year old me was of course just “:0!!” the entire time--that is, up until the reveal of the main villain. i remember watching the episode, seeing the reveal of ein, and then stopping. like, just for a quick break, but i was still just overwhelmingly disappointed. like, and this was the time when pdh was airing and ein just got made alpha (i think?) and i had really really liked eins character in pdh. either way, that really sucked and actually opened my eyes to a lot of things.

one of the main things bein’ the fact that this was supposed to be a slice of life kinda series that decided to take a turn to a more edgy kinda approach. which, i guess i regularly wouldnt mind? but seeing as mcd was kinda bein neglected at the time it just didnt sit right with me. BUT WHATEVER, point is i stopped watching mystreet all together at the end of season 4.

like, a whole year later my brother tells me that shit’s getting intense in season 5 + 6 of mystreet, and my brilliant self decided to give it a shot--but i refused to watch all of season 5, so i only stepped in when ein made an appearance. so whenever that was, that’s where i picked up because i didnt care enough to see 

and y’know--i honestly didn’t hate it at first. in fact, i found it oddly cool. it wasn’t enough to get me into aphmau again, but it was enough to where i was intrigued. i dont know why, but i never watched the finale, so i didnt see the ending until just a few weeks ago--but back then, i thought it was neat. looking back on it however... im just so confused. 

side note: only got back into aphmau this time around because of mcd. mainly because like, i adore the first season and the first half of the second season. and being nearly 18 now, im a lot more appreciative of plot and well-written characters n junk. 

the actual thingy:

ok back on track. imma stop spilling out my story of how i got back into aphmau, and lets just skip to what rewatching mcd made me realize of season 6′s plot and shit:

-emmalyn. how the fuck does ghost even remotely exist? if she’s emmalyn as claimed, then why have we already seen emmalyn in the mystreet universe alive? look i get that creators can do whatever they want with their stories but at the same time please provide some sort of explanation good god. and maybe they did and i just havent seen it, so if there is one--let me know. but until that day imma just sit here confused as fuck

-ok so imma just be real, the whole ‘ultima’ thing is just... not great. in my opinion, anyways. like... i saw someone mention this in another post, but if this ultima stuff was like, a really big deal, why isnt it mentioned in mcd? though i suppose since its a curse of sorts, it could be later on past the time period in which mcd takes place--but even then, how did it manage to make its way into aaron’s family bloodline? 

-WHY IS EVERYONE AT STARLIGHT ITS JUST SO CONVINIENT like what happened to this place being the most expensive shit on the planet or whatever, and how the gang happens to run into like, the werewolf trio and blaze and kai and guy and nate all of these people like god damn life doesnt WORK LIKE THAT 

-im sorry but turning people into relics? thats... thats the best you could come up with? plus, like, how does that even work? in mcd it’s established that relics are separate entitles that choose their wielder, based on a ‘personal’ connection (being a descendent of a previous wielder) or if they’re a good match personality and (i think?) moral wise. so the whole turning-people-into-relics doesnt make much sense to be honest. 

-irene really over here using her god powers to only keep her friends alive like god damn not a great god if you ask me 

-can i talk about how incredibly predictable aphmaus death was? like i just kinda sat there waiting for it to happen and when it did i literally went “haha! wonder when she’ll be revived” because god forbid we actually kill off characters 

-when aphmau + demon warlock fought in the irene dimension there was no passage of time whatsoever in the real world whiiiiiiiiich really bothers me because they fought in there for at least a few minutes

-speaking of aphmau and the demon warlocks fight does it bother anyone else that it had to be aaron who took over the fight?? like we get it hes the big protector blah blah blah but god damn it wouldve been cooler if aphmau had fought this battle as her. aaron fighting this battle was so underwhelming

-...love. like, thats the only thing thats needed to break out of a forever potion? love? LIKE YEAH, GOOD GUYS GOTTA WIN SOMEHOW, but its just so cliche and overdoneeee

-oh yeah and also when travis went bonkers and became the demon warlock or whatever, why’d he only take over katelyn and garroth?? like, zane had been influenced by the potions in the past as well? DONT GET ME WRONG--i do love some good brother edge, but uh, the demon warlock was just bein kinda a dumbass by not possessing zane too just sayin’

-can aaron please go to fucking jail for mass murder now like holy shit, he just got sent home on a fuckin boat. also why did blaze forgive him for killing him thats not even remotely realistic. then again, nothing in mystreet has ever been realistic when it comes to characters and motives and personalities, (cough katelyn being actually abusive and travis being an actual pervert) but yknow whatever

-katelyn and kawaii chan literally added nothing to the plot whatsoever. like lets be real, katelyn lost her personality the moment season 5 started and kawaii chan just kinda sits there :I

-ok im sorry this was bound to come up but cmon guys imagine laurances potential if he was in season 6 like god damn this is beyond maddening. AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A REALLY REALLY COOL PARRALLEL?? IF IT WAS LAURANCE WHO SNAPPED GARROTH OUT OF HIS MIND CONTROL THING, because it would mimic laurance’s speech to get garroth to snap out of his rage in season 1, episode 100 of minecraft diaries. like how fuckin rad would that have been? missed opportunity 

-also?? why does kim/ghost know magicks?? like, if i remember correctly, emmalyn is a scholar--not someone who knew magicks. i mean, i guess research? study?? but its been established that knowing how magicks works =/= being able to use magicks. i dunno, just doesnt seem right i guess. maybe its explained, i wouldnt know (yes i know that makes me look like a dick leave me alone)

-melissa should have stayed dead. LIKE, NO, ITS NOT AS SIMPLE AS “haha it takes more than a few bullets to kill me”??? look ive got nothing wrong with melissa (cough lie cough) but yknow it would have just been cool a character... stay dead? for once? its just too fuckin cliche that shes alive god damn

-can i also just say the only good thing that came out of season 6 was travis’ dads sacrifice like damn that made me actually sad

-howww was lucinda turned into a relic. or yknow, anyone else? like im sure they explain it better in the actual show i just dont remember, but its just that easy? turning anyone into a relic? granted, a normal person wouldnt be able to produce a good relic, but idk man. IM JUST SAYING; that the only really powerful relics that aphmau should have been able to wield is the one that aaron + zane produced because shad relic and esmund relic moment. lucinda isnt even like, connected to a divine warrior. ALSO, another point, if its seriously that powerful of a relic getting one from just a magic user like lucinda, why go through the trouble? i mean i guess ofc youd want the “all powerful” one that the ultima produces but i mean damn whats the point

-ok this is just going to bother me but in one of the episodes (i think might have been in season 5 actually) where that like, guardian dude was chasing aphmau and zane and at one point they split up and the dude just chuckles at zane diverting paths and goes under his breath “youre not the important one here”, suggesting that aphmau somehow is? first of all, id argue that any ro’meave is significantly more important than aphmau was, especially not knowing much about her other than that shes with aaron. i might be missing some bits an pieces, but if i was that dude id forget about aphmau and go after zane 

-killing off derek for shock factor sucked, and i know the moment was supposed to be really sad because like “oh :( aarons dad is sacrificing himself for his son” but lets be real dereks still was a shitty father and i dont think his reasons for doing what he did was very good at all

-less about plot or more like: why the absolute fuck did the gang bring kim along instead of, oh i dont know, a life-long friend? like, laurance or dante maybe?? im sure its explained, i never saw aphmaus year or most of season 5, but god DAMN id hate to be apart of this friend group AND GOD LIKE, imagine reconnecting with an old friend who ends up getting closer to your best friends and taking priority in their lives over you (cough laurance) like god damn lol

-im just going to preface this one with: i dont remember everything that’s happened, so if im wrong i apologize in advance--but (you actually can correct me if im wrong and please do) didnt like, irene reincarnate her friends in order to give them better lives? I DONT KNOW IF THIS IS TRUE, ITS JUST WHAT I REMEMBER--however, if im correct, then:

a. why the hell would she bring back someone like zane, or gene, or ivy, etc.

b. why the hell do they all have the same exact names? first and last? again, im aware that the whole mystreet+mcd tie wasn’t originally supposed to be there, but i dont think that means such a coincidence can be excused? its just a bit much if you ask me.

c. why the hell is the fact that (as much as i literally hate this) aaron is a decedent of shad being ignored? like, you’d think that something like this would be something thats actually important, or something the demon warlock couldve taken advantage of. or are we completely erasing every other connections to divine warriors besides aphmau + irene? because even if irene did reincarnate them or do whatever it is she did, does she even have the power to sever the connections between them and their ancestors? my guess is, no.

d. speaking of irene why on earth was aphmau able to talk to/see irene, they’re literally the same person are they not? did she like, fuckin reincarnate herself without actually doing it?? BUT--i will give it to them, the demon warlock did refer to aphmau as something along the lines of being “one of the 3 parts of her broken soul” or something like that. however, my point still remains. also what are the other two did i miss that or is it never explained

now; if irene in fact did not ‘reincarnate’ her friends then please ignore that little bit right there :)

but yes, those are a few of the problems i have with season 6 off the top of my head. i would go into like, season 4 and 5 more as well, but i honestly didnt feel like it. at some point i might go into other things, like how important laurance could have been to the plot of these later seasons, or HELL, even dante. i might also go into what could have made season 4, 5, and 6 actually good--maybe... a rewrite? perhaps? but im getting too far ahead of myself, so i just leave you with this for now.

and i know that as soon as i post this 15 more things are just going to pop into my head BUT im going to try and not edit this post because why stress myself with that even more

anyways thank you for coming to my tedtalk