#i dont wven know anymore im just so fucking tired

[nightgarla]

// vent :/ about my current state of mind bc its bothering me so much and i keep monologuing about it instead of sleeping

ik i never talk to anyone on here so no ones rly gonna care that much but i just need to communicate what im thinking to anyone so i can sleep

but yea im currently in a crazy possibly covid worsened episode which is why all my art is old stuff i already scheduled, and i fucking HATE IT HERE !!!!!!!

i havent talked to my one (1) friend in days and from the stray notifications i catch hes getting frustrated and i hate it bc i feel rly bad and i wanna talk to him but i just CANT !!!!!!! like i literally dont have the energy for any form of socialization and its not like i just dont wanna talk to him its literally i csnt talk to anyone rn or i will cry and or pass out it sucks

and whats worse is i cant wven like justify or explain being gone bc when i have episodes like this my brain is just in a constant i hate talking i hate all people i hate having friends i hate my friends state which is NOT TRUE i love people i love having friends but i just get so tired and i dont know why bc no one else seems to struggle like that and idk how to like communicate that to someone without upsetting them :(

and it sucks cuz i don even have a therapist anymore bc NOT A SINGLE ONE gave me like a piece of paper or something so i could talk and the last we heard from bup was they "put me in the queue" for a neuropsych eval, all i have now is the bald commune man that brings us french bread everh other week but hes more a driver and occasional infodump bin than anything (no offense ily torbjörn <3)

i also got artblock again so i cant even make myself feel better by drawing little guys :((((

[crowsareverytired]

everyone is so bad at comforting, my mom just said "block them" like i didnt just get told to kill myself and my friend just got mad, like my guy i was literally crying freaking out and you werent wven comforting me, fuck them both, thats not how you deal with this shit, i fucking hate everyone, im tired i dont wanna do this shot anymore, what did i even do to deserve this, i dont even know them

[wilbur-sloot]

•eret x reader•

requested: no im simping for her currently :3 (eret gos by all pronouns btw)

pronouns used: he/him (trans)

tw//ed

status: lovers 💕

y/n pov

i was having a wonderful nap when i hear a nosie coming from my phone. somwonw was calling me

"helllo?" i say

"hi baby" eret said

"oh hi love" i say still tired

"im gonna be home in 15 minutes did you eat? do you want me to bring somthing home for us to eat?" she asked

"no thank you hun. i already ate" i say

"oh yeah? what did u eat" they asked

"uh- ramen i are ramen" i say

"ok love i will be home soon but im driving so goodbye" she says

"ok bye bye" i say

he hangs up the phone, so i go back to sleep.

~15 mins later~

"y/n! y/n wake up love" i hear a voice. i look up seeing my partner looking at me.

"hey eret" i say my voice more raspy then normal

"hey wanna watch heartstopper together?" she asks me

"ofc babe. i always have time for tori spring" i say

"ok get up" she says

"carry me." i say doing grabby hands which she dose. she carrys me to the living room and puts me on the couch. then he sits down bye me and i put my head on her lap. then i hear the door bell ring.

"baby can u get the door?" i ask too comfy to get up

"ofc darling" eret says getting up and putting a pillow under my head. it's probably the mail man. but when i look up i see eret with a bag. it looked like food. shit.

"who is it love?" i ask

"well i got you food" he says.oh no.

"im not hungy i alredy ate" i say sitting up.

"and what did you have" she asks me

"i told you ramen noodles" i said

"we do t have ramen" eret says

"wha-" i started but eret cut me off

"love you need to eat something wven if its just a noodle u need food or else you will starve yourself"

"thats the point eret" i say

"how will i live eithout you pretty boy?" he asks me

"i dont know there are so many diffrent people out there you can find someone" i say blankly

"please for me love?" she asks looking at me

"but ill get fat and then you wont like me anymore" i said staring down at my feet

"darling what you cant get fat from just one meal hun puls do you think that would matter?" he asks

"how are you so skinny?" i ask

"OH btw idc if hr skinny or not ill still love you!" i say

"see" she says looking at me i still dont make eye contact with them.

"but look at me!" i say tightening my cloths which show how cubby i am and my boobs that keep ni matter what i do working out just makes then bigger.

"and?" he starts "what do you think i see"

i look down then run off to the bed room crying. dose she really not like me? i thought they loved me :( god im so stupid. i took a blanket and a pillow and went into the closet and cried myself to sleep.

~time skip 2 hours eret pov~

"y/n?" i say my voice shaky from crying i fucked up. i fucked up big time. i think that he thought i was saying that he was cubby when hes not he is perfect and amazing. i love him with all my heart and i cant loose him. if i do i dont know what i would do. he is the best thing that has ever happend to me :(

"y/n are you in here" i ask going over to the closet m. i open it and see him asleep on the ground. hi s head on a pillow and a blanket over him to keep him warm. i scoop him up and bring him to bed and i lay next to him cuddling up to him. that woke him up when he noticed he was in bed he was fine but then when he saw that i was clinging on to him, he wiggled out of my grasp got ip and walked out then i heard the door open and the car start.

did he not like me anymore. was he trying to avoid me. where is he even going. dose he have a place to stay? i really hope hes safe. i felt my eye lids get tired and i drofted off into my dreams.

~time skip 6:00 am~

i woke up and went down stairs and i saw our car outside! that must mean y/ns home. i go and look around but i cant find him. where is he. oh wait he has to work today. but how did he get to work if his car is here. whatever.

•y/n pov•

"have a nice day!" i said smiling at the costumer that was walking off with there drink. then someone came in

"hi welcome to the star lake café how can i help you?" i ask looking up to benny

"oh my gosh is benny im my café?" i say

"nah the whole sandlot crew is" he says as evreyone walks out.

"omg hey i havent seen you guys in sooo long" i say walking around the counter hugging them all

"when do you get done with work?" ham asked me

"um i think 7:00pm today i took an extra shift" i say

"aww" all the boys said

"why cant you just take off today?" smalls asked

"i cant no one else is op-" i started but then one of my co-worker came in

"hey do you want me to take ur shift you look a little busy" my co-worker said

"yes thank you so much" i whisper back to them

we walk out of the coffee shop and i spot erets car. shit. eh whatever he's probably just hungry or something

"so how has the big leages been treating you benny boy" i ask looking at him as he swings an arm around me and smalls

"pretty good i mean when you have this one as the announcer you know its pretty good!" he says as me and smalls look at each other and smile.

"so theres no one at the sandlot anymore and if there is we can kick there asses. wanna go play some baseball?" kenny asks as we are passing the drug store.

"hell yeah" we all say. everyone else gos in as i wait

"y/n!" i hear a voice. eret. i turn around

"um hey" i say

"WHERE THE HELL WHERE YOU" he says as i cover my ears and run into the store scared that he might hit me

i run over to benny and barry my head into his chest and start crying as he comforts me

"what happend?" he asks softly

"e-eret yelled a-at me" i say in between sobs

"aww im sorry y/n/n" ham said

"come on lets go" squints said. we all went out of the store and was met by eret

"y/n please just let me talk to you" eret said softly

"fine." i say walking over to him

"listen im sorry i never meant what i said in that way ok hun?" he said bringing me into a hug

"i love you so much and it hurts me to know that i caused you all this trouble please just forgive me?" he continued

"i forgive you and im sorry i overreacted way too much" i say looking down

"its fine love" he says hugging me

"after your done playing baseball will you come home and cuddle me?" eret asks giving me puppy dog eyes

"of cores love" i say kissing him on the cheek and running off.

~time skip eret pov~

its getting dark out and y/n should be backz i mean he has been gone for ofer 6 hours i should be worrying. then i hear the door open and i get out of bed and run down stairs to see y/n with a black eye and shit.

"holy shit what the fuck happened?" i asked rushing over to him

"what dose it look like?" he stated "me and Philip got into a fight"

"oh poor baby" i say craddling him

"babe its fine. im going to bed" he says walking past me going upstairs.

i give him a minute to get into comfy clothes. then i go upstairs to see him in our bed. he gets up and hugs me. i see him in hello kitty pants with a hello kitty shirt. i hug him back and kiss his head.

"i want cuddles" he mumbles into my chest. awwww hes so cute!

"ok darling!" i say picking him up bringing him to our bed setting him on the bed. then i get up and change into my pjs and climb into bed next to the love of my life. then he grabs the remote and turns on Nightmare Before Christmas! then comes back over to me berrying his head in my chest.

"well hello there love!" i say.

"hi baby!" he says smiling at me. " lets watch the movie now!" he said excitedly. they he turned his attention to the tv and watches it.

about 20 minutes later i hear his breathing slow down. i look down and see y/n sleeping on my chest. i take a picture and go to sleep hugging him.

[silverghost1001]

It hurts so much, I dont know why I can never do anything right. Especially when I try to. I only hurt wveryone and cause fights and make everything wrong and im sorry i know im not supposed to be alive, i should've died but idk how or why im still here. Maybe I should've just given in back in 2019. Maybe they'd have been better like that. Without me to annoy and make more bills that they'd need to pay. Maybe if I stopped eating and slowly used less and less things it'll make them happier? If i made myself invisible they wouldn't be able to be mad at. If i died then i wouldn't be a problem anymore and it hurts because im rrying my best i promise i am but its never enough how can i ever be enoghj? I want to make them happy but im so useless i cant even do basic stuff im too useless to even keep myself alive and even more useless to just kill myself already and get rid of their problme because if i hadnt been born everyone wouldve been happier and lived better and i wouldnt be there to make expenses and make people upset and do everything wrong because even my name i manage to get wrong and im so rieed i dont know what to do anymore and the only thing i deserve is pain and bad things but im so selfish that i still crave to be able to relay on somwone to be able to tell them my fears and woeries and then hug then when my heart feels heavy and my lungs refuse to breathe and everythings too much and i cant cry i just want to die but its Selfish because people depend on me and itd just prove how fucking useless i am because id be letting them down just cuz my family is always angry at me and everyone says my family doesn't hate me but if they dont, then im so fucking scared of the moment i take a wrong step and they hate me because this is horrible and im constantly scared of everything and i cant even losten to voice messages because I get scared that it'll be just them screaming at me for something while on good days i can baeely pay enough attention to pass my classes and i only manage to make friends because thwy probably pity me and i probably wouldnt make a single difference if i just vanished and maybe thats what i should do. Maybe i should just run away and die far away, maybe by the time they found my body everyone would've forgotten and moved on. I mean, people have already done that while im still alive. My mom simply left and pretends i never exosted, tells everyone i hate my brother even when I'd kill myself if it meant him being okay and happy. Im not religious, and i certainly dont believe on fairy tales, but all my wishes and prayers are that the 2 people that still matter to me, will be fine and happy. Even if ut costs my own happiness. Wven if it costs my own life. I would rather die in miswry and alone rhen know that i could've made them okay and prefered to keep this shitty existence going. They matter. They are important. Im just a fucking accident that should've died years ago and everyone probably regrets saving from each and every single i almost died during these 17 years. Maybe its not too late... Who am i kidding? I couldnt simply go and diaturb the school's calendar. There's group projects that depend on me and I've already done too many wrong things for me to just do more as if it'd be okay. Yhey dont deserve that stress, they already deal with so much. But me? I deserve every single bit of pain and anger that is inflicted upon me. I deserve to be hated and screamed at. I deserve every single horrible thing that may happen to me because im just a swlfish souless useless piece of trash and i should die already because im good for nothing other than taking up space and using up resources that could've been used for something better and more important. And evne if i wrote for the rest of my life i wouldnt be able to get everything out and im just so tired on so many ways.

Im sorry. Im truly very sorry. Im going to sleep now.

It'll be fine.

[qvackjack]

i have to start. hournaling about my 'grief' apparently.

i hate this. o hate that im so angry. but i am. im furious. i feel like ive been left behind and abandoned again and no one even had the guts to tell me. i feel like i lost my last connection to who i used to be before this stupid 'trauma' shit and no one cares. and we just pretend jts normal and its not. its not the samw. i cant talk to them all as individuals and it wont matter. its not the same because we arent a group anymore. and for what. who even fucking knows. its not like anyone cares to tell me anything. it ended and it waa over and i didnt even know. everythings moving on without me. i cant go back and i can barelt move forward. and its all so small comapred to everyone else. lucky me who gets to stay home everyday and doesnt have to work. lucky me whos isolated from the world and the people who used to be his family and the place that used to be his home. im just a stranger now. i want to scream and break things and rip them apart and i cant. im not supposed to lose control like that, imm supposed to be the one who helps. but im bad ar it. and thats the real reason why im left behind. because im not really good at it and we all just pretend. we pretend until im not useful anymore. and then the people who feel bad about it pretend to still love and care about me even when theyve hurt me. i feel selfish. i feel like they were selfish. i cant even talk up front becaise it would be selfish of me when i onow hownfragile everyone is. because im not. im not supposed to be. why did no one tell me anything. why was i left out again. i could have tried to help, i could gave tried. but no one told me, wven when i asked. asked so kany times. always said id be told later. but then there was no group to bother talking about. so now what. now i have two friends i can see in person. one is my boyfriend. is there even any point in trying to go back when everythings changed. i dont know ajy of those people. they dont qant to know me. im so amgry. and sad and tired.

[rntdry7896]

I hate it when a supposedly 'enlightened' friend do this

I have self esteem issue and is used to my self worth being bad

I have this 2 close friend which is more mature and adult than me i guess? We count as best friend but they sure rub me the wrong way sometimes and i dont have anyone other to talk to other than them so here i am

One of them organized a sports weekly meet. because when we ate out with lots of people, one of the other mutuals kept complaining how shes gaining weight and becoming ugly etc. I didnt specifically say i want to participate but they just put every other group that eat together at that time in. Being indecisive i just goes oh well ill go not pike i do much workout so it might be a good change of pace

In the group theres 2 older male guys there, friend of friend, i consider them acquaintance as best while but idk about them. One of this guy call them guy B. Last week he keep touching and trying to drag me to do sports saying how i should move more and do the sports since im here already at the court. I was sitting at the floor and he grab my arms or my legs trying to bring me. My first reponse is of course freeze. i cannot really react but when he tried other times i just laugh it off and said im still resting/warming up. After going home of course i tried to say to the event organizer /bestie about how i dont like that guy. She just said laugh and joke it off and say thing like "do you hate him more than guy A then?" (I hate guy A but like for other trivials thing) i mentioned like yeah i hate them the same and like how i dont want to go next week, but i really want to meet this other friend and she can just come next week so i just say okay let see then, maybe it wont be that bad next week (because the guys do stop bothering me at the end)

Yesterday happened and the guy did the same thing first he tried to go for my legs, saying "lets go exercise etc" again im sitting at the floor so i cannot move away that fast, but i flailed my legs and say "stop it stop it stop i dont want to i want to sit ill exercise later", he triend the second time and i spoke louder, he stopped maybe cause i did go a bit over loud and people start looking. He went and sit not to far but not near me either. Okay i let it go then because he didnt try anymore at court. I spoke alot with friend and got to catch up, at the end when its time to go home she mentioned shes hungry and all member went out to eat. We ate and chat, the two guys didnt speak much and didnt go to near either so i let my guard down. Later when waiting for me and friend lift to go home, we chat in a circle and i have my back towards this guy and he fucking touched/rub my neck, i really... dont know how to react.. i just say what?? And he said that i have some mark maybe its from the sport :hes wondering if i hurt my self during etc etc" i fucking hate him i hate touching people i dont wven touch my best friend but he touched my skin directly. I rubbed hard and said its nothing its just a mole maybe let it be etc while trying to kept being civil and changing the subject.... because technically hes the friend of my best friend and i really dont want to be overly dramatic

we went our separate way i got on the car and we drove off, i mentione to my "best friend"later how i hate him and he touched my neck but they just say "well thats why you gotta tell them clearly i dont like to be touched dont touch me, you didnt say anything thats why he touched you" ... i just felt betrayed as friend who knows each other for so long i totally didnt expect her to imply that im the one in the wrong... well maybe im wrong too but what he did is more a problem than anything?? She also knows how i am a socially anxious person that is non confrontational, saying how is hould be more like her and be outspoken is just??? You expected someone to be confrontational in just one second??? I may be a little angry but im now just sad, i dont know i feel hurt by all the event and im tired... we changed topic and i talk to her about different thing but that small hurt when i hear her saying things is still there, im venting here

[fleimkepagriffin]

.

[pocparks]

this is a vent post lmao

[elliethesuperfruitlover]

tw/rant

im really not great at the moment. i want to put out more fic and things, but I don’t want to burnout and fuck myself over. I have requests to get into, yet I just can’t get into writing anything besides short drabbles. I also wouldn’t call myself mentally stable at the moment. One second, I’m fine, but the next I’m just tunneling again and I hate it. I don’t tell anyone how I feel about anything because I don’t want them to worry. That ends up with me bottling up all of my feelings, and I also invalidate my feelings. I tell myself that I shouldn’t be complaining because I have this or that, and at least I can do this or that. Yes, that’s true, but I shouldn’t let it get to this point. I absolutely hate myself and I wish I wasn’t like this. I think I’m fat, I hate my feet (and how big they are), I hate my hair,(because I wish it would grow some) I hate my fucking skin discoloration, and I can’t do anything about it. People say “oh just practice self love” BUT I PHYSICALLY CANT DO THAT BECAUSE I HATE THE FACT THAT I HAVE TO LIE TO MYSELF TO BELIEVE SOMETHING. Writing feelings down doesn’t help, whatsoever because I think it’s pathetic that I can’t get my ass up and talk to someone about how I’m feeling like a normal fucking person. I hate the fact that I have too much anxiety, and can’t have regular thoughts without something awful coming after it. I wish I could take jokes, and understand why people play punch people like a normal person, but instead I get offended by literally everything. I don’t let other people touch me, I have to touch them, but in reality, I really want to them to be there because it means they care abut me. I think it’s foolish that I think people don’t care about me when they clearly do. I feel like I accidentally offend people, then hate myself because I might be causing them distress and I’m really not. I can’t share my own opinions with my family because my dad thinks being gay isnt in god’s light, my brother makes jokes about trans people, and my mom thinks gay people should “fit in with the rest of us and not be as obvious”. I hate the fact that I’m not a normal fucking straight kid who doesn’t have anxiety and overthinks, writes about characters on the internet. I sometimes just wish I wasn’t this much of a person because there’s so many things pointed against me from the beginning, but I just had to fuck up and admit to some more. My fucking boyfriend broke up with me last sunday and said he still loves me, but he isnt ready for a relationship which I totally understand, but I feel so fucking messed up about it. Are there rules for this shit? I can’t hear a plane without having dread course through my system, I think everything is loud, wven if it’s not. I hate the fact that I’m sensitive because how the fuck am I supposed to do things if I don’t understand things everyone does. I don’t even want to think about school because I DONT REMEMBER ANYTHING FROM DECEMBER. and we have state tests coming up in april and im completely lost, and dont know what to do. I stick out so fucking much, why do I have to talk differently and dress differently. like different things than everyone else, listen to different things?? I feel like an outsider in my own fucking race because of the things I like and I fucking hate it. I hate myself for every single thing I do, and I can’t even be happy with my own fucking heritage. I have to fucking change and be different. I’m constantly upset, and if I’m not, I’m thinking about when I’m going to be upset next. I feel so out of place everywhere and I don’t know what to do about it. Every fucking fandom I’m in, I feel like the only black person, only black girl, I feel LIKE SHIT ABOUT IT.  Why can’t I just like regular things for kdis my age? I’m younger than everyone on here, my brain is fucked up, I JUST DONT KNOW ANYMORE. And I know suicide isn’t going to fix anything because everyone’ll be sad that I’m gone and everything. I just feel so fucked up and lost. I lost two friends because I was too fucking blind to see the signs of it being toxic (me being part of it) and I hate myself for it. I can never keep friends, and the ones I have, I can’t even fucking see them. And it’s my fault, I can’t keep friends because I can’t take certain things, or be a certain way. I can’t fucking take jokes (even if theyre racist ones and i shouldn’t take them but i hate myself for it anyway) It seems every time something seems to be on the uptick, life has to punch me in the gut and go “fuck you” and I’m back at square one. And I just can’t get a break long enough to unpack all of this. I’m so tired of all this. I need help.

[incessantlymelancholy-blog]

I am fucking scared. I go get an echocardiogram next Tuesday because i have a history of pericarditis. My doctor is worried i have constrictive pericarditis. Whoch is really bad. And im really stressed about it. But i can wven talk about it because it wouldnt be heard.

My boss at work yesterday as i was locking the shop door told his friend that i always find a way out of trimming… all because i told him i didnt have a baby sitter today or Thursday. But i made today work and i am making Thursday work even though i know it stresses my dad out when I push him..

I didnt say anything or make it seem like i heard him.. i thiught things were good at work. That i was contributing. That i was getting a good amount done. But i guess not. It just hit me hard. And it hurt. But ill never let it be known. I think tomorrow is gunna be a headphone day and just working. Just leaving people alone and not interrupting conversation. And when they ask, if they do, whats wrong or why im being quiet im gunna say i just have alot going on right now. Or that im tired. Even though nobody seems to get what i mean by that.

Im tired in every way. Im so fucking depressed. Im holding on for my son but most days he doesnt want me. So it makes it hard :/

My husband doesnt hold me anymore for more than a brief moment. And the whole time i feel like hes just waiting foe me to stop hugging him.

Im the store today i told our son he would have to bring mommy flowers everytime he came to vist.

And my husband pops off “yeah son you gotta do it cause daddy doesnt do that”

Like super casual. Like thats just fine and hes okay with not putting more effort into us. And thats when it really hit me. That he choses not to be romantic. It isnt that he “forgets”. Its that he doesnt want to.

And i get it .. you cant make someone care or show it. I think im gunna tell him we need a break because im sick of feeling so unwanted and worthless. I dont want to be rejected anymore. I cant take it anymore.

[pissedchicken]

ive been really upset the past couple of days and i just want to put everything somewhere so i can stop feeling so miserable and just Let It Go

so my orchestra was in the process of putting together a big concert to raise money for our Big Trip right and our conductor hands out the seating chart right!!! n he gave me first chair for the hardest song and said to me i heard you practice and saw how hard u worked- will u be ok sitting here? n i was lik omg yes im terrfied but i want to bc he haqsnt let me sit anywhere near first chair since eigth grade and i was lik wow mayb hell stop seeing me as a third wheel and i can finally make him proud of me and he trusts me enough to lead the entire orchestra and it made me so happy i couldnt believe it bc all the hours i spent practicing were finally!!! paying off

but then everything changed when the fire nation attacked the concert master goes u really think u can sit there for that song n shes already bitter bc shes used to bein see as better than everyone else and having things given to her and the other people in our section begin to get on me too lik - do even know how to play this song? do u really think u can do it? n it just hurt me so much tht no one was happy for me or had faith tht i could b a leader for even one song i was so nervous all during rehearsal i couldnt even be like ill prove them wrong because they were right i fake my way through everything i dont even deserve to sit there and somehow right when we get to tht song rehearsal ends up being a train wreck

and the concert master sitting behind me picks on my every little mistake and says this was such a mistake why did he let her sit up there i was using her copy of music which she didnt number the measures or add in all of the bowings which goT me in trouble from our conductor bc i didnt kno where to start and i messed up oNe bowings which i fixed immediately and the cm lectured me for it

and then i go home i wake up and i cry all morning bc wow what a disaster i am worthless and no one really cares about me it seems and im debating just giving the cm her seat back so she n everyone else can be happy bc it seems lik im not the best choice for this anyway but i dont want to look like a quitter but i talked to my best friend who is also the assistant concert master and he was lik u kno u really deserve it and i want u to sit up there n cm can get over herself for one song and let u do it so i pull myself together and practice some more so that i can be perfect during the final rehearsal on the day of the concert n i arrive ive listened to my piece so many times tht i hav the entrances and diffficult parts memorized n ik i can play them even if theyre a lil less than perfect but god knows no one in our section can actually play it anyway and everything in rehearsal is going great bc im confident n happy this time and finally its my turn to sit first for my song and our conductor goes

sarah do u mind sitting back here instead for this song

and my mind goes blank and i just? make it through the song only barely trying not to cry bc i was so stressed and upset bc of everyone and thinking wow i can make my mom proud my conductor is proud of me my section will see im not a mistake well jokes on me bc thats exactly what it looked lik n im just so EMBARRASSED bc i really thought hed hav enough faith in me to go through w it and the cm is just smilely and happy bc she got her seat back and she doesnt have to share anymore and my mom ends up coming to get me bc i cant stand being in the same room w them and i cry for n hour and a half before i go back to wait for call time my dad tells me hes not coming to support me at the concert bc he pays child support and thts the same thing as going to the concert and its just makes me feel worse bc not wven my dad wnats to see me play and the assistant concert master calls me bc hes feelin lik shit too bc hes lik u didnt do anything wrong u dont deserve to hav ur seat taken away im gonna ask the conductor if u can sit second chair for the song since u were supposed to be up there anyway and not me and i go nO u r Not giving up ur SEAt sit ur ass Down in that chair or give it to joseph (our little sophomore who was my stand partner for the song) bc he worked so hard and he can play it so well tht if anyone deserves to sit up there its Him i ended up sitting all alone in the dressing room bc the concert master is pretending she cant see me and im not really close withm any of the girls bc im one of the few upper classmen and the younger kids hav their own friend groups and then right in front of me as the girls r doin their makeup and she knows im in there bc im sitting right behind her she says to someone else i thought was my best friend until i came out of the closet and she stopped talking to me too she just starts talking shit about me and im just? in disbelief

n before all this i considered the concert master to b one of my best friends u kno? lik we literally hav been playing together for 7 years now n we hav a group chat w the assistant cm where we talk about Everything bc were so Close u kno

n i just feel worse and worse and right bfore we go onstage my conductor pulls me aside and hes lik its not u it was just the vibe of the section and im lik ye sure jane we all kno u play favorites uve been doin it since i was in 6th grade my dude this is nothing new but if tht really were the case i wish he just hadnt given me false hope in the first place but i dont complain bc im not a baby i can respect other peoples decisions n my buddy joseph who was moved w me bc Plan Get Joseph To Second was destroyed by the conductor tells me tht cm asked him why we were so b it t er and im lik? haha :-) and all noght through intermissions cm says things lik this night is going perfectly exactly as i wanted it to n me n the assistant n joseph r all bitter as fUck n as the night goes on im just so Tired bc of everything my playing gets worse wnd worse and its making me feel lik shit bc everyone is so Happy and i just Cant Be bc the day was Ruined for me n the funny part is we get to the song i was supposed to play the cm messes up everyrhinf i messed up on- except durin the actual concert im the one who plays everything right

n then my mom goes and invites the cm and the acm to dinner w us n i hav to pretend lik she never said anything and i guess that made me happy for a while but everything she said just came back to me this morning n i just want to be happy n Over It im tired of wasting my energy bc she felt the need to b petty bc she didnt get her way apparently she told my mom tht she didnt kno tht i wanted to play it and she didnt kno i was upset either but then again she would bc im :-) the greatest at being a fake bitch

YA LMAO I HAV MORE TO B PETTY ABOUT I JUST REMEMVERED so at the very end of the concert the conductor shakes hands w people who sit first chair right and i sat up there for the three easiest songs right so he shakes everyones hands he gets to me and walks right by and im lik LMAO U REALLY DID THAT👏👏👏👏👏 backstage he patted my back and goes thanks sarah and im lik tHANKS FOR WHAT th a nk s for what 🌝🌝🌝🌝🌝 the moist star sees all