#i dreamt about it last night but as usual dont remember much

[angelcatsiel]

I’ve been dreaming on and off for years about what I refer to as ‘Evil Disneyland’ but lately I’ve been dreaming about it more and more. It’s basically a disneyland that’s just one long, huge, endless corridor in a straight line, you enter through the glass doors and then it just stretches either side of you with these tiled red and white walls. All along the corridor there’s rides and shops and stuff. The annoying thing is I never remember much about the dreams, just little snippets from them, but they all happened in Evil Disneyland and they all had real creepy vibes

[bailaconox]

basically the only photos i took at ateez in toronto hamilton 12.02.22 🤧❤️‍🩹 i had the best day of my entire life yesterday and i cannot thank ateez enough for filling me with so much love and happiness ❤️

just me rambling about my whole ateez concert experience under the cut ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

I CANNOT BELIEVE AFTER TEN FUCKING YEARS OF LIKING KPOP I FINALLY GOT TO EXPERIENCE A KPOP CONCERT IN ALL OF ITS UNIQUE GLORY!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST CONCERT IN OVER THREE YEARS AND AFTER THE SHITTIEST FUCKING LUCK WITH TICKETING AND CONCERTS IN GENERAL..... IT ALL FINALLY PAID OFF?????? THE UNIVERSE ALIGNED JUST RIGHT SO THAT I COULD FINALLY HAVE THE BEST EXPERIENCE OF MY FUCKING LIFE AND THERE IS NEVER A MOMENT I AM NOT EXTREMELY THANKFUL TO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED TO GIVE ME THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE LAST NIGHT

first ever top tier vip first ever vip ga first ever soundcheck first ever true barricade first kpop concert in person first ateez concert first time everything went about as perfect as i dreamt it would

despite being wristband number 337 i was one person away from touching the barricade, left side of the stage at the corner where the catwalk meets the main stage, so fucking close either san or seonghwa is literally covering me in the crowd photo 🤧😭❤️‍🩹 WHICH IM NOT MAD ABOUT AT ALL THAT FEELS LIKE A TOTAL FUCKING WIN IN MY BOOK!!!!!!!!

the crowd wasnt pushy and agressive and shoving

and i saw ateez with my own eyes in person in real life just a few feet away from me.. they're really real... they are so real and so beautiful and sweet and talented and pretty and funny and amazing and good and wonderful and damn near perfect

god i really dont wanna sound crazy delusional but i really believe seonghwa made Prolonged Eye Contact with me 😳😳😳😳😳😳 like i spent the whole concert no phone except once and i just. was Looking at them. so amazed captivated mesmerized. and i want to believe seonghwa saw me just STARING in a very stunned fashion and made eye contact and just like. smiled laughed a little smirked a lot maybe thought it was funny how i was like 👁👄👁. this at least is the story i built in my head and will choose to believe!

and i dont think it was me he called out but during the part where hongjoong split the crowd and made my side say "break" he said someone forgot and did it like a full two seconds after everyone else aND HE WAS LOOKING WAY TOO CLOSE TO WHERE I WAS STANDING LIKE I DONT THINK THAT WAS ME BUT SOMEONE IN A ONE TO TWO PERSON RADIUS FROM ME DID THAT AND IM SCARED IT WAS ME BC I DONT FUCKDKIEUNG REMEMBER WHAT I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

god i made the best call ever though by not taking photos because i just got to LOOK AT THEM!!!!!!!! RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my justification is that i absolutely hate looking through any concert videos or pictures i have ever taken for some reason. combined with the fact that 10000000% of why im there is to SEE THEM LIVE IN THE FLESH IN REAL LIFE so i dont wanna end up staring at my phone the whole night bc it wouldnt feel as real as looking at THEM you know???? and every other person has enough concert footage to refresh my memories so im more than happy with that choice! i only took these couple and one video to prove where i was standing in the crowd lmao

as per usual at concerts every moment in line and before the soundcheck was a fucking nightmare but oh my fucking god i got one of the best spots in the whole venue and every part of that show made up for the shit i dealt with about a million times over!!!!!!! i GET it now i GET why people do this i GET why they fight for vip and barricade !!!!!!!! the experience of not only looking directly at them, but KNOWING FOR A FACT THEY SAW ME TOO, is something ill never ever ever get used to.. i feel so fucking grateful for getting so damn lucky.. it was one of the most amazing things i've ever experienced and my god. i want more

but i dont expect all my concert unluckiness to have vanished bc im not financially in a place to arrange the logistics of all that on my own! im not kidding when i said the stars fucking aligned just perfectly to create this entire experience, there were so many tiny things that could have gone wrong or prevented me from going altogether but... for once... for the only time ever in my life up to this point, everything was perfect and i had the perfect day and i got more than i ever dreamt i could.

it felt so special to not just be there for all of my own reasons, but having it be ateez's first time in canada and the last show of this tour. the hello82 video and watching that with them and singing star 1117 was .. magical honestly??? and also made me realize i've never been to a concert before where the artist got super emotional and cried on stage??? but there was more love in that room than i've maybe ever felt in my whole life and there are no words to explain how special and important every single second of that night truly was... and i will never forget how it felt to be there, to finally be there, to be there of all places!!!!!!!!!!

and i love ateez with all my heart and soul. oh my god. i just realized if i started liking them in late august of 2019. i started liking them either right before or right after the last concert i went to. i saw the jonas brothers in august 2019 and i started liking ateez in 2019 and i havent been to a single concert in three whole years until last night. with ateez. and i get it now, why the universe aligned the stars for me, for this. oh my god

[messymorals]

I dreamt of a play place. Like the one they have at a McDonalds, with assorted coloured tubes all connected. It didn't start there and what I remember is a little hazy but usually there is a story behind it, and In this case there was a person who was a gatekeeper of a sort. I dont recall what he looked like or what he was wearing, I don't recall if there was anyone else with me. When the dream started, I don't remember it being a room with walls, more like a plateau of a sort high in the air. On a colourful plateau. The floor was like a quilted blanket everywhere. Then either due to a choice of my own or with pressure from this gatekeeper figure, I was brought to the edge of this plateau where there was a mysterious hole. You could not see what was down the hole, I only knew that this character would force me down it, so I went down and after I came through the veil it was the aformentioned play place slide. It was assorted in colour, it looked plastic, it had twists and turns but I could not exit the slide that was going down further and further. On a side note I recall passing through a yellow part of this slide, and for the first time in my life that I can remember, I had a vivid smell in my dream, I can not remember having that in a dream before but it was the greasy smell of Mcdonalds, just like how you would smell it from the parking lot. I haven't even eaten mcd's in quite a long time. So what happened next startled me, disturbed me, made me question the meaning of dreams, the afterlife, and also question if I got enough sleep last night. The slide came to an end and it was not in any way what I expected, it was not a ball pit, or another colourful area, the slide pitched 90 degrees and sent me into another room, maybe 6 or 7 stories high, maybe red walled I don't remember but I did know that it was an inescapable room where you could only exit through the way you came in and that was not possible. It was a pit, the room had large spikes sticking up from the floor, long wooden spikes all around, all facing up and all waiting for the arrival of another person, I was impaled. it was an impaling pit, equivalent to punji stick booby traps that you see in movie's or read about in war history, but on a much larger scale. It was hell, and I could not feel where I was at that point but I was at the bottom, and I had to watch as more people came down the slide to join me. The gatekeeper was also there too but watching from above. I woke up suddenly and my heart was beating hard, but I was not scared like how an instant fright may scare me and I cant get back to sleep, it was truly disturbing. I did some research on what other people have said about the meaning of impaling in dreams, and this is what I found.

According to Dreams Directory:

A Dream about someone being impaled is unfortunately a warning for some anxiety and fear of coming trouble

You have lost your self-identity. It does not take much to make you happy. The dream is sadly a warning alert for long and hard work for little compensation and pay. There is some resentment or unexpressed anger that you need to confront.

Someone being impaled is a signal for your anxieties about trying to fit in or being well-suited for your changing role. You are ready to confront some painful emotion. You have an skewed perception of your own image which may stem from low self-esteem. The dream is sadly an admonition for minor irritations and annoyances. Your character will be put under scrutiny and called into question.

[electricbarnes]

time is not on our side 

steve rogers x reader 

summary: ever since steve went against the sokovia accords, he’s been on the run. but he still takes time to see you, even if it’s only for a night. 

↳ songs i listened to for inspiration

wc: 2.8k | warnings: pretty fluffy i would say, but its got a little angst, implied smut 

note: it’s missing steve hrs

Nat: Don’t be gone too long.

Steve reads the text on the small screen of his flip phone, but he doesn’t bother to reply back. He shoves the phone back into his pocket as he turns into a dark alleyway. He glances behind him, making sure no one is watching him. The streets are fairly empty considering the late hour.

Steve carefully climbs his way up one of the fire escapes. The creaking of the old metal echoes through the empty alley. He goes up to the third floor and slides open an unlocked window. Steve ducks inside the dark apartment that’s only dimly lit by the street lights outside. His eyes do a quick scan of the room, looking for any possible dangers.  

He closes the window and flips the latch, making sure it’s locked this time. Just as he turns around, the hallway light turns on, revealing your silhouette. You clearly just woke up, judging by the flyaways of your hair and the old tee shirt you usually wear to bed. You squint your eyes into the darkness and they widen at the sight of the man standing in your living room.

“Steve?”

A gasp escapes your lips and you practically throw yourself on him, but Steve easily catches you. Your arms wrap around his neck while his automatically circles around your waist, pulling you in close. He ignores the pain from the bruise on his ribs, focusing on the feeling of having you in his arms again instead. The tension leaves his body as he melts into your embrace. His senses filled with the familiar sweet scent of your lotion.

Your soft clean skin contrasts the dirt and grime that covers him and his tattered suit. Though, you don’t seem to mind. He knows he should’ve cleaned up before he got here, but his time is limited and he wanted as much time with you as possible.

You pull back from him after a moment to get a good look at his face. Steve sees your smile morph into a frown and your eyebrows scrunch together. Your hand goes to his forehead, fingers carefully tracing the cut above his eyebrow. He forgot about the small injury.

Though he hates seeing you upset, Steve can’t help the small smile that appears on his face. He leans in, placing a kiss between your furrowed brows. He whispers an “I’m okay,” to ease your worries. It seems to work because your adoring smile returns.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” you say quietly, as if this were a dream that would end at any moment. It makes him wonder if you have dreams about him like he has of you. He knows all too well that feeling of disappointment when he wakes up alone, wishing the dream had lasted a little longer.

“I’m here,” he affirms, squeezing your hips as a confirmation that this was real. He seals it with a kiss that you immediately fall into. Your hand combs through his, now longer, hair as the kiss deepens. Before it could go any further, you pull away from him. Steve chases your lips for one more kiss, earning a giggle from you. He’s missed that adorable laugh of yours.

Your hand brushes over his beard. He had forgotten about that too. His look has changed a lot since the last time he’s seen you. Being a wanted criminal meant that he could skip the shaving in order to hide his face more. He’s far from the golden boy image that he was before.

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” you say, as you take his hand into yours and lead him to the bathroom.

Steve sits patiently while you clean the cut on his face. You’re standing in between his legs and his hands rest on the curve of your hips, just wanting to keep you close. He watches your concentrated expression, thinking it’s cute. He loves how much you care for even the smallest of cuts. He’s pretty sure if he got a papercut, you’d treat it the same.

“It’ll be healed by tomorrow, you know?” he tells you.

“I know,” you say as you toss away the cotton you were using to clean his cut. You shrug, placing both of your hands on his shoulders, “I just wanna take care of you.”

Steve’s heart warms at your words. He looks up at you in disbelief. How did he get so lucky to have you? Even after months apart with radio silence, you still welcome him with open arms. You still care for him. He worries about the day when you’ll get tired of the distance. When it’ll become too much and you’ll give up on this barely there relationship. He knows it isn’t fair to you and you deserve far more than he can give. And yet... you’re still here.

Your hands move up to his cheeks, pulling him in for a quick kiss before leaving his side to turn on the shower.

“Alright, you take a shower and I’ll get you some clothes,” you tell him.

“Care to join me?” Steve asks with a smirk. He walks over to you, his hands wandering to the band of your sleep shorts.

You match his smile but shake your head, “Nuh uh, I don’t think you need any distractions.” You remove his hands from your waist and step back from him, “Now take off your suit.”

“Sweetheart, you can’t just say that and leave me by myself,” he groans, throwing his head back.

“I think you’ll be fine,” you say with a laugh and he can’t help but laugh too. Though he’s slightly disappointed in your rejection, he knows it's probably for the best.  

Once he’s out of his suit, you take his gear from him and leave to give him some privacy. Steve steps into the shower and involuntarily lets out a sigh of relief as the hot water instantly relaxes his muscles. He hasn’t had a good shower in far too long. The grueling weeks of underground missions and uncomfortable nights in the quinjet washes off of him. For a moment, Steve wonders if this is how it could always be. Feeling at peace, not having to be so guarded all the time. Just being here with you in your home makes him forget about the dark life he’s been leading for nearly a year now. Here, he feels like he can finally catch his breath.

Though he wants to stay longer under the hot water, he washes up quickly because he doesn’t want to waste anymore time without you. He gets dressed in the white tee shirt and grey sweats you left for him on the counter. Thankfully, you always keep spare clothes for him.

Just as Steve walks out of the bathroom, you walk into the room holding two mugs.

“I made some tea,” you say, handing him a blue mug with his iconic shield printed on the side. It made him chuckle. He secretly loved how you would keep these little reminders of him.

“And I cleaned your suit as best as I could. The star’s a little loose though,” you tell him.  

“Dont worry about it,” Steve takes the mug and pulls you in with his free hand, giving you a kiss on your forehead. “Thank you, sweetheart.”

Soon enough, half filled cups of tea are forgotten on the nightstand. Clothing thrown around the room without care. Steve couldn’t help himself after craving your touch for so long. He’s sure you’ve felt the same, your breathy “please” told him so. Though he didn’t give in so quick, never missing a chance to tease you. Steve took his time rediscovering your taste. Remembering all the ways he drew out those little gasps. He’s dreamt about the way you wrap around him, but that could never compare to the real thing. He missed the way your body felt pressed against his. He missed the sounds of your moans in his ear and the sweet relief that comes after you both meet your ends.

For the rest of the night, the two of you laid in bed, legs twisted together and comfortably wrapped up in each other’s arms. Despite the late hour, you stayed up just talking.

Steve asked about what you have been up to since he’s been gone. You told him about how it’s been at work and the times you’d meet up with your friends over the weekend. You told him about the week you spent with your parents, wishing he could’ve been there. And you talked about the shows you’ve been watching, promising that you’d watch it with him one day.

Your lives were so different now. He wishes he could go back to the days when things weren’t so difficult. He wants that normalcy again, or at least what was normal for an Avenger. He thought he gave up on the idea of wanting a domestic life, forfeited to being a hero instead. But things have changed. Ever since he’s met you, you’ve unknowingly changed his mind.

Maybe it’s the time apart that’s making these moments with you that much more valuable, but it’s all he wants now. It always seems like a fleeting dream. This kind of domestic life isn’t in the cards for him. But the nights he gets to have with you give him hope that it could be possible. He knows he could never completely give up his heroic lifestyle. People need him and he is never one to turn a blind eye. He just hopes that one day he can find a compromise.

Maybe someday he can show up at your office and steal you away for lunch. Or he can join you on those nights out with your friends and get to know them. He would finally meet your family, saving you from them trying to set you up on a date. He’d finally introduce you to the team, the people he considers family. Bucky already knows about you. Steve couldn’t hide someone so important from his best friend. He's pretty sure that Sam and Natasha know where he runs off to every now and then. They even subtly remind him of how risky it is to sneak away. But after the fighting for so long, being with you is just what he needs, even if only for a night.

You were curious, of course, of what Steve has been up to in the time he was gone and where in the world he’s been. Steve avoided any details of the missions he’s gone on. He didn’t want to make you worry, though he’s sure you do anyways. He only tells you the good parts.

“Bucky has goats now,” he says with a smile, recalling the sight of Bucky helping the Wakandans on their farms.

“Really?” you raise your head from his chest, a look of surprise on your features.

“Yeah,” he says with a breathy laugh. “One of them even tried to eat Sam’s pants.”

“Oh my god,” both of your laughters break the quiet of the room.

There’s a lull in the conversation, but it’s a comfortable silence. Steve just enjoys the comforting weight of your body on top of his as he soothingly rubs his hand up and down your arm. For a second, he thinks you’ve fallen asleep but you turn your head to look up at him. He can see how sleepy you are, eyelids half closed. You stare for a moment with a small content smile. Your hand reaches for his face, delicate fingers stroking his beard.

“I like this,” you mutter.

“Yeah?”

“Mhmmm,” you affirm. “Didn’t think you could get any sexier but wow” your eyes widen, emphasizing the last part.

Steve throws his head back, laughing at your comment. You giggle along with him, tucking yourself back closer into his side.

“Guess I’ll keep it then,” he muses.

Silence takes over again. Your fingers draw random shapes across his chest, careful of the bruise on his side. Gradually, your movements get slower until your hand rests above his heart.  

“You should get some sleep sweetheart,” Steve says, kissing the top of your head. He knows he should probably sleep too, but he doesn’t want to. He just wants to enjoy having you in his arms while he can.

“Noooooo,” you let out an adorable whine.  

Steve turns to his side, both of you now face to face. Looking into your eyes, he knows this is exactly where he wants to be. His hand tucks a stray hair behind your ear, thumb caressing your face.

“Wanna stay up with you,” you say, the sleepiness evident in your voice.

Steve glances towards the window, noticing the subtle change of the sky. The dark night beginning to fade away to early morning blues.

His throat feels dry when he looks back at you and says “I have to go soon.”

The pout on your face returns and he wishes he could take it back. You let out a sigh.

“What if you just stayed, right here in this bed and we just never leave?” you asked with a teasing smile.

Steve smirks at the thought, “very tempting.”

“Or,” you begin to suggest, “what if I just went with you?”

He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t given it a thought. He knows how much you want to see the world, but it shouldn’t be because you’re following a fugitive. He’s thought about asking the king for another favor, letting just one more person stay in Wakanda, so he can safely visit you more often. But you had your friends and family. He couldn’t be selfish and take you away from your life here. Above all else, he wanted to keep you safe. It was the reason for keeping your relationship a secret in the first place. He didn’t want you being associated with him in fear that you’d be used against him. He’s glad he kept you a secret, especially now that he became a part of the nation’s most wanted.

“I can’t ask that of you,” he says regretfully.

You look at him with sincerity, “I’d go anywhere with you, Steve.”

“I know,” he sighs, “but it’s too dangerous.”

You look at him sadly, before shying away from his stare. “I know.”

“Hey,” he coos softly. His finger bringing up your chin, getting you to look back at him. “Things will get better for us, I promise.”

You nod subtly, and he hopes you believe his words.

“I wish you didn’t have to leave,” you say, voice breaking toward the end. He can see the emotions swimming in your eyes.

“I wish I didn’t either.”

He leans in to meet your lips, hoping it’ll alleviate the pain in your heart. It damn near breaks him seeing you like this. He hates the torment he’s putting you through, but he was too selfish to actually let you go. He needed the hope you gave him. He needed you.

“I’m sorry,” you mumble, wiping away a stray tear.

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” he reassures you. “Being away from you is hard for me too. Trust me sweetheart, there’s no place I’d rather be than here with you.”

“I know,” you say with a sad smile.

“I love you,” he states firmly, needing you to know that he means it more than anything.

“I love you too,” you respond with a small smile.

He bumps his nose against yours, before giving you another chaste kiss.

The morning light starts to fill the bedroom, signaling his time was almost up. He looks back at you, “Go to sleep, doll.”

You don’t protest this time. Instead, you pull yourself closer, tucking yourself into his embrace. He lays back, swallowing down the sudden emotion he feels. His hand comfortingly strokes down your back, lulling you to sleep. Steve waits for your breathing to even out, making sure you were sleeping before reluctantly leaving your grip.

He quietly gets dressed in his now clean suit that was left hanging on your desk chair. He’s in no rush to leave, taking his time putting his gear back on. He looks over at you and sees you clutching your pillow in place of him. Part of him wonders what the consequences would be if he just stayed.

As he pulls on his suit, Steve notices the off-white star slightly bent off the center of his chest. He rips the whole thing off and walks over to your desk, finding a sticky note and a pen. He writes a reminder of his love for you and a promise that he’ll come back soon. He leaves the note and star on your nightstand for you to find when you wake up.

Just before he leaves, he goes to you and leans down to place a lingering kiss on your forehead, careful not to wake you up. 

He leaves your apartment the same way he came in. The air is much colder. He can hear sounds of the early risers and the birds chirping as he makes his way back down the fire escape. Steve glances one last time at your apartment window. He regretfully leaves the comfort and safety of home, back to his reality of life in the shadows.

thank you for reading! hope you liked it 🤍 as always, reblogs and feedback are much appreciated !!

[dashedwithromance]

Slithered Here From Eden - Princewitch

KINGDOM OF THE WICKED SPOILERS!!! I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW SPOILERY THIS FIC IS. THE HEIGHT OF SPOILERS!! THE PEAK OF SPOILERS!! THIS IS A VERY LOUD WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KINGDOM OF THE WICKED SPOILERS BEYOND THIS POINT DO NOT KEEP READING IF YOU DONT WISH TO BE SPOILED THANK YOUUUUUU

anyways here is my first princewitch fic!! i hope you guys like it, and let me know if you have any ideas for fics for those two. im a little nervous to put this out here - ive written only cressworth and original stuff for a while, so im kinda nervous this wont be in character or will be weird in my style. anyway, please let me know if you like this, and if its something you want more of. im already working on a few others, courtesy of @duchess-of-nothing-and-nowhere ‘s brilliant ideas, but send in any requests you have!!! i hope you guys enjoy, thank you!!!!!

---

Hell was, well, hell.

Her husband was busy doing whatever kings of Hell did in their spare time, which she was thankful for. She didn’t wish to run into any of the Wicked, but Pride was close to the top of the list. Not the worst offender, however. The Prince she’d once tentatively called an ally had claimed that spot with his spectacularly humiliating betrayal. 

The worst part was that she still didn’t understand. His motives, his feelings, his aims - all were shrouded in mystery, one that seemed to taunt her at every twist and turn. Bastard. 

Contrary to her preconceptions, her rooms were actually rather beautiful. Similar to the style of the house Wrath had rented in Palermo, but it felt different. Darker. Her quarters were styled in black and gold, with serpent scones lining the walls. The fire flickered in a menacing fashion, though she’d long since learned it had more bark than bite. 

Shadows crept along the floor until they curled at her feet like a cat, announcing the presence of the one demon prince she wished to see the least. 

“What do you want.” Emilia barely gave him a glance before he walked him, arrogance pouring off him. As if he owned the damn place. 

Infuriatingly beautiful as usual, he wore a dark suit, flecked with golden patterns, not unlike the tattoo she knew adorned his shoulder. Her attention flicked to the wicker basket he held gingerly in his hands. Covered with a soft blue tea towel, it looked like something plucked off the streets of her home, not something that belonged within the obsidian walls of the kingdom where wickedness ruled with abandon. 

Silence was his only reply as he looked her up and down. The gaze threatened to set her alight; with rage or desire, she wasn’t entirely sure. Once, the bed that loomed behind her would’ve offered a taunting distraction and a fragile but desperate wish. Now, it only annoyed her, reminding her of the moments she’d failed so magnificently at seeing through his façade.

Still no response. They hadn’t spoken since her wedding, and their last words had been less of a conversation and more of throwing of well-deserved insults on her behalf. He’d told her that she knew nothing of his motivations, and to assume he wished her harm was foolish. She’d told him a few carefully chosen expletives, complete with a hand gesture that would’ve had her mother wringing her hands. Wrath had spent the days prior skulking outside her quarters, never saying a word, only letting his shadows pollute her already foul mood. She might’ve had the slightest amount of sympathy for him, had he not betrayed her, lied to her, married her to his brother and thoroughly pissed her off in the process.

He placed the basket down on the table at the other side of the room. Looking up, Wrath raised a carefully groomed brow. Apparently, princes of Hell had beauty routines.

His mood was undetectable through his face, but the shadows that followed him gave it away, if only slightly. They were the same dark as a summer night; dark enough for comfort, but not the soulless black pitch she’d seen him wear so often. An interesting combination for a prince who seemed to care not a whit whether she lived or died after he’d gotten what he wanted.

Wrath pulled back the cloth covering the basket to reveal – food. A carefully curated selection of her favourites, smelling like they’d been plucked off the serving plates of the Sea & Vine.

She nearly salivated at the sight – the food she’d eaten in Hell had been a sore spot for her. Though nothing was wrong with it, it lacked the love of homemade food. The flavour that came with knowing that someone lovingly made every single bite. There were no laughing families who cooked here, no fathers to taste-test, or sisters to tease while they made sangria side by side.

  “How on earth did you find this?” The words slipped out before she could correct herself. ‘Earth’ was perhaps not the right term, though she couldn’t truly tell where she was. Under, felt more accurate. Below.

He looked at her as if she was missing the obvious – and she was.

The food smelt like she was used to because it was what she was used to. The same recipes, made with the same care as every meal that came from the Sea & Vine kitchens.

Panic enveloped her faster than joy.

“Did you hurt them?” She hissed, desperately searching his appearance for any sign of violence. He was wearing black, that much was true, but either he cleaned up exceptionally well, or there was no blood to be found.

“Hurt them?” Wrath’s tone was even, but she could hear how he scoffed. The nerve, “No. I even paid for it.”

Her heart still beat fast enough to burst from her chest, so he continued, “Relax, witch. No harm has come to them, nor will it, if you comply with my brother’s terms.” There was no audible threat in his tone, but she knew it went without saying. Comply, be Pride’s blooded wife, or her family would receive the same fate as Vittoria. It hurt to even think about, however brief the thought was.

She was going to throw something right at his beautiful, awful face. Maybe the basket, once she was finished devouring her favourites. Wrath would certainly look ridiculous enough with a basket slammed over his head, if he didn’t kill her first.

“It’s not poisoned, if that’s what you fear.” Emilia blinked, unsure how to respond. He seemed to be lingering, if demon princes could ever linger. Why wouldn’t he leave?

She nodded, restraining a biting retort about how she was sure that fact was a deep disappointment for him. Remembering the odd rules of demonhood, she thanked him.

Still, he wouldn’t leave. Just stood there, watching her with those golden eyes that peered into her very soul, reaching inside and setting her alight. His gaze was unnerving.

Her patience, which had thinned dramatically since becoming a co-ruler of Hell, waned, “Are you waiting for payment?”

He laughed. Actually laughed. A short, biting sound, but a laugh nonetheless.

“I could smell your foul mood from my own House. Perhaps this will appease you.”

Appease her. As if it were that simple. As if he hadn’t tricked her, lied to her by omission, made her into an even greater fool than the one she was.

“Perhaps if you deigned to be truthful, I would be more polite.” Lies, but worth a try. If only he would tell her something, anything by way of explanation. Even if it was brutally cruel and benefitting a member of the Wicked. Anything but the agony of anticipation.

Apparently this evening was full of more surprises, because Wrath then pulled out a chair, and gestured for her to sit down, like they weren’t sworn enemies. The thought of a biting retort was attractive, but the smell of food was too much. The scent of all her favourites, food she’d spent hours labouring over in the past, wafted towards her like an irresistible gift.

The basket held everything she dreamt of. Wrath laid the table with his harvest as she tried not to gape at the sight. Twin glasses of sangria, somehow still delightfully cold. The comforting smell of garlic and fresh herbs permeated the air. Plates piled high with a mix of all her favourite things: a selection of antipasto, a side plate of bruschetta, a bowl of pasta, and a small dish of cannoli. If she closed her eyes, and forgot the presence of the prince in front of her, she could picture being back home, surrounded by her family and loved ones. If she thought hard enough, she could faintly smell Vittoria’s favourite perfume, the one she made for herself.

When she opened her eyes, the dream faded away, and there was only Wrath sitting across from her. Despite all the effort she presumed he must’ve taken to fetch the food, he sat watching like he thought it was attack him. Or she would. A laugh escaped her lips, almost hysterical, at the situation. Her, Queen of Hell, sat with her husband’s brother, another demon prince, as they ate food from her family’s restaurant. Comical, if disturbing.

“It won’t bite,” She said, eagerly helping herself to a plate. His eyes flickered with the promise of his bite, and she fought to keep any sign of her reaction off her face. Now was not the time to think of his kiss, or goddess forbid, his tongue. Watching carefully, he followed suit, piling his plate high with a mirror of her own. If she didn’t know the strength that lurked beneath that bronze skin and manicured hands, she would’ve called it sweet.

The food was – the food was heavenly. The taste of home, the love of her family, the promise of safety offered in those few bites brought her more joy than she thought possible. She wanted to stretch out the meal forever, as long as time would permit. If this was the last time she would taste such heaven, she wanted to remember it.

Despite her anger at the demon sitting across from her, curiosity embedded itself in her mind. How could he have known? How could he have known this was exactly what she needed, what her soul craved? Just as he’d done with the orange blossoms after Lust, he’d somehow known her mind and soul needing nourishment, and brought it as a gift to her door. Perhaps there would be a price to be paid, someday, but for now, her happiness was enough.

It was ridiculous and Nonna would’ve scolded her dearly, but it was the first semblance of normal she’d had since signing her name over to Pride. The meal sent flashbacks of the time she’d spent after Lust had invaded her mind; the days she’d spent lying in bed, a stranger in her own body, while Wrath sat like a comforting guardian demon. They hadn’t spoken, but he’d delivered her meals thrice daily, and never left her side unless to fetch her clothes from his mysterious source, or to give her privacy if she’d asked. He’d even brought her reading materials, though they were filled with battle strategies, not the steamy romances she craved. At the time, she’d thought it was a sign that maybe, just maybe, Wrath was different. Now, she only felt the white-hot flush of shame. Her appetite faded, and she pushed the plate away.

He catalogued her change in mood with a barely perceptible nod of his head. Truly, she had no idea what he was thinking. Sometimes she thought he was terrified for her, her witch-blood and mortal heart acting as a beacon for all those whom Pride had made an enemy. Sometimes she thought he wanted to kiss her until her lips were swollen and she begged him for release. Sometimes she thought her presence disgusted him to a never-ending degree. A mystery.

“You need to be careful,” He broke the silence with a warning, as if she treated Hell like a stroll along Sicilian streets.

“It would help if you told me anything.” She hated the petulant near-whine of her voice, but it couldn’t be helped. She had nothing and no-one in the world, but she needed an ally. Or, if she couldn’t have that, information would have to do.

“I’ve already told you too much.” Lies. Complete lies.

Her questioning had bored him, she assumed, as he stood up to go, leaving the remnants of their meal scattered around them. Wrath cast one last look at her before stalking out, taking the shadows with him.

Just as she was about to curse his name, she spotted a bouquet of orange blossoms on the dresser.

Bastard.

---

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Tags: @shadowturtlesstuff @otome-azarada @chococannolii @beccalovesbooksstuff

[she-wolf-of-highgarden]

I think where I have a hard time with Arya and Sansa’s relationship is that Martin gives Sansa a defense mechanism where she doesn’t look back at things. And I’m not saying Arya is terribly self-reflective, but he allows her to have more than he does with Sansa. 

Your little sister was hiding in the woods for three days? Don’t think about it. 

Your little sister is missing after the brutal purging of your household? Don’t think about it. In fact, forget to ask about her.  

The last thing (that the readers know) you said to your little sister was how much you disliked her and how you thought she should be dead? Don’t think about it. 

That lack of reflection can make it hard, especially when you compare the two. Arya thinks about her sister. Arya misses her sister. Arya gets:

“Arya sipped at her tankard cautiously, between spoonfuls of pie still warm from the oven. Her father sometimes let them have a cup of beer, she remembered. Sansa used to make a face at the taste and say that wine was ever so much finer, but Arya had liked it well enough. It made her sad to think of Sansa and her father.” - Arya II, ACoK

“When she thought of seeing Robb's face again Arya had to bite her lip. And I want to see Jon too, and Bran and Rickon, and Mother. Even Sansa . . . I'll kiss her and beg her pardons like a proper lady, she'll like that.” - Arya VII, ACoK (she shows she’s willing to change her behavior if only for a little while to make her sister happy)

“So the singer played for her, so soft and sad that Arya only heard snatches of the words, though the tune was half-familiar. Sansa would know it, I bet. Her sister had known all the songs, and she could even play a little, and sing so sweetly. All I could ever do was shout the words.” - Arya IV, ASoS

“Needle was Robb and Bran and Rickon, her mother and her father, even Sansa. Needle was Winterfell's grey walls, and the laughter of its people. Needle was the summer snows, Old Nan's stories, the heart tree with its red leaves and scary face, the warm earthy smell of the glass gardens, the sound of the north wind rattling the shutters of her room. Needle was Jon Snow's smile. He used to mess my hair and call me "little sister," she remembered, and suddenly there were tears in her eyes.” - Arya II, AFfC

And I’m not pretending that Arya doesn’t have some not nice things to say about her sister. She does. But Martin balances it better with her than with Sansa. And part of that is the defense mechanism and part of that is that Arya insults Sansa’s interests which is not okay, but she never actually calls Sansa herself stupid. Martin, however, does have Sansa insult Arya herself. Not just her interests or friends (which she does but in fairness Arya does that to her too so it kind of evens out), just Arya herself. 

“She treasured every chance to spend time with him, few as they were. The only thing that scared her about today was Arya. Arya had a way of ruining everything. You never knew what she would do.” - Sansa I, AGoT

“What could you want to see?" Sansa said, annoyed. She had been thrilled by the invitation, and her stupid sister was going to ruin everything, just as she'd feared. "It's all just fields and farms and holdfasts.” - Sansa I, AGoT

“The kitchen yielded no lemon cakes, but they did find half of a cold strawberry pie, and that was almost as good. They ate it on the tower steps, giggling and gossiping and sharing secrets, and Sansa went to bed that night feeling almost as wicked as Arya.” - Sansa III, AGoT

“Hodor!" Sansa yelled. "You ought to marry Hodor, you're just like him, stupid and hairy and ugly!" She wrenched away from her sister's hand, stormed into her bedchamber, and barred the door behind her.” - Sansa III, AGoT

“It was for love," Sansa said in a rush. "Father wouldn't even give me leave to say farewell." She was the good girl, the obedient girl, but she had felt as wicked as Arya that morning, sneaking away from Septa Mordane, defying her lord father. She had never done anything so willful before, and she would never have done it then if she hadn't loved Joffrey as much as she did.” - Sansa IV, AGoT

Arya ruins everything , Arya is wicked, Arya is stupid. 

And do we have good points that come from Sansa? Sure. But there are still moments where Martin will kind of take away from the moment which is a problem when you have only a few moments. 

For example in ASoS we get:

“Lady Leonette gave her lessons on the high harp, and Lady Janna shared all the choice gossip. Merry Crane always had an amusing story, and little Lady Bulwer reminded her of Arya, though not so fierce.” - Sansa II, ASoS 

which is followed by 

“Sister. Sansa had once dreamt of having a sister like Margaery; beautiful and gentle, with all the world's graces at her command. Arya had been entirely unsatisfactory as sisters went. How can I let my sister marry Joffrey? she thought, and suddenly her eyes were full of tears.” - Sansa II, ASoS

That’s kind of rough. Yet after this we do get a nice moment between the girls. 

“She scooped up a handful of snow and squeezed it between her fingers. Heavy and wet, the snow packed easily. Sansa began to make snowballs, shaping and smoothing them until they were round and white and perfect. She remembered a summer's snow in Winterfell when Arya and Bran had ambushed her as she emerged from the keep one morning. They'd each had a dozen snowballs to hand, and she'd had none. Bran had been perched on the roof of the covered bridge, out of reach, but Sansa had chased Arya through the stables and around the kitchen until both of them were breathless. She might even have caught her, but she'd slipped on some ice. Her sister came back to see if she was hurt. When she said she wasn't, Arya hit her in the face with another snowball, but Sansa grabbed her leg and pulled her down and was rubbing snow in her hair when Jory came along and pulled them apart, laughing.” - Sansa VII, ASoS

And we know from Arya (and that Alyane chapter in TWoW should it ever come out) that there were nice moments between the girls, even after the Trident. I mean Sansa does confide in Arya. 

“Suddenly Arya knew where she had seen those dogs before. The night of the tourney at King's Landing, all the knights had hung their shields outside their pavilions. "That one belongs to the Hound's brother," Sansa had confided when they passed the black dogs on the yellow field. "He's even bigger than Hodor, you'll see. They call him the Mountain That Rides.” - Arya V, ACok 

And Sansa even tells Arya about Jeyne Poole’s crush on Beric Donderrion or at least it is implied. 

“Dondarrion? Beric Dondarrion had been handsome; Sansa's friend Jeyne had fallen in love with him. Even Jeyne Poole was not so blind as to think this man was fair.” - Arya VI, ASoS

“She told me." It all seemed so long ago. "Her friend Jeyne Poole fell in love with your Lord Beric.” - Arya VII, ASoS

So they obviously talked. We just don’t really get to see it. And its important to note that we get it from Arya. Sansa doesn’t usually think about it or mention it. Because that is her whole deal. In order to protect herself, she just doesn’t deal with things. 

Does that mean she is unsympathetic? No. The poor girl deserves sympathy. What it does mean is that is difficult to show what she feels about her sister because she doesn’t think about her sister. Arya thinks about Sansa more because Martin gave her a different defense mechanism. We can point to places where Arya thinks positively of Sansa and it is harder to do that with Sansa. Is it because Sansa is awful? No. It’s because Martin decided that her defense mechanism was to just not think about upsetting things and so she doesn’t think about Arya the way Arya thinks about her.

I would also point out that I think part of the problem is Martin is iffy at writing female familial relations in general. It gets better as the books go on, but still. Your  telling me we couldn’t get one scene with Cat and one of her daughters? Really? Martin doesn’t really show us female familial relations in general, you have a few instances of it, but its rare. We dont even get a scene where Cersei is alone with Myrcella. We know for a fact that Sansa and Arya have good moments, but Martin doesn’t show it in real time and that is kind of annoying. 

[joontier]

Patawad, paalam. | drabble

translation: forgive me, goodbye. 

pairings: jungkook x reader

rating: NC-17

genre: romance, angst | warnings: wholesomeness basically (one-liner implied smut),,,,,, until you get to the last line gklasjdfa bUT DONT SKIP 

word count: 1.3k

g/n: AHHHHH! my first release for The Paraluman Project!! might as well rename this angsty august (can i get an amen @mintseesaw​ this was meant to be posted in a few hours bUT IM IMPATIENT LIKE THAT kdsjfasfasf) anywho,, ‘Patawad, paalam’  is meant to be a prologue and an epilogue at the same time and if you guys want to have a lidol backstory well lmk okiiii,,,, yall know im ready to spoil my darlings EEEEP feedback is always appreciated!! ILY YALL

navi. | m.list

Today’s the big day. 

The church had been decorated just like the way you’ve always pictured it to be - your idea of the perfect wedding finally a reality. Just as what had been planned years ago by both of you, you have decided on celebrating this once-in-a-lifetime event in your chapel - the very place where you two first met. 

Four-feet tall pedestals crowned with bouquets of white hydrangeas stand tall and proud along the length of the aisle, while the sunlight passing through the stations of the cross depictions on the stained glass provided an extra burst of color on the snowy flowers. 

Jungkook has never been good with crowds, especially not when the audience included their relatives and some of their closest family friends. Yeonwoo, Jungkook’s best friend of many years, takes notice of the man’s palpable uneasiness, and approaches the nervous man. “You’ll do just fine, Kook. I believe in you.” After a pat on the back, Jungkook smiles at his best friend, grateful for the much-needed reinforcement. 

There’s a quiet chatter amongst the guests, remaining seated on the wooden pews as they wait for the processional. The benches have been newly varnished just for the occasion. While a number of the invited guests speak to each other to pass the time, the rest take photos of the immaculate venue as they praise the decorations. Perhaps he could mention your unparalleled efforts in his speech later at the reception. 

Pride swells in Jungkook’s chest as he remembers how much time and effort you had spent perfecting each detail of the church’s decorations, investing at least three whole days of planning for the interior alone. 

Jungkook stands by the altar patiently, big brown eyes scanning the crowd and silently thanking each one of them for having allocated a day from their busy lives just to witness one of the most important days of his life. The man continues to struggle with the event’s actuality, his stubborn nerves gnawing at him deliriously. In fact, he doesn’t think he’d been able to cope with reality for the past few days. 

He recalls having dreamt about you last night, unable to sleep a wink after seeing a vivid image of you in a white dress during his slumber. The restless man takes a stroll in the seminary’s garden in the hopes that the tranquility afforded by the grounds will bring him enough peace and quiet to lull him back to sleep. 

As he entered a secluded area only a few people knew of (you included), he found you on the swing, swaying yourself gently on the seat. He wanted to go back to his room, under the quite ridiculous belief that it was bad luck to see the bride just before the wedding ceremony. He watches you for a while, hiding behind a moss-covered wall. As he studies your features, he senses you’re just as restless as he was and shortly after, he finds himself walking towards you, unproven hearsay the last thing on his mind. You converse for a good two hours until you deemed it time to go back to your rooms and get some sleep. You both had a long day ahead of you and rest was important. With a final hug, you part ways once more. 

The musical ensemble brings Jungkook out of his reverie, the sudden sound of the violin playing making him jerk slightly in surprise. The soloist starts strumming the strings of her guitar to a familiar tune, giving the song more depth and emotion with the melodic sound resonating throughout the chapel. The crowd’s chatter immediately falls to a hush, the audience faces the entrance to watch the highly-anticipated processional. 

Wise men say, only fools rush in 

But I can’t help, falling in love with you

Your niece enters first, passionately throwing white petals from a large disproportionate wooden basket. Her tiny feet carry her throughout the length of the aisle, sending a half-toothless smile left and right. 

Her older brother trails after her a couple of meters away, his usually unruly hair now handsomely tamed with gel for this special occasion. The audience coos at the siblings, finding the duo most endearing. There’s muted laughter amongst the crowd as his small hands tremble, the ring pillow shaking lightly in his grasp. As they reach the altar, your brother, the best man, gives the siblings a high five before guiding them back to their pews. 

Like a river flows, slowly to the sea, 

Darling, so it goes, 

Some things are meant to be

The bridesmaids file in with bright smiles from the side, each carrying a mellow arrangement of baby breaths and lavenders. Your closest cousin, Cassie, who you chose to be the maid of honor has flown all the way from Canada just to witness your wedding. She walks the carpeted aisle slowly, dabbing at her cheeks with the back of her hand as she clutches onto a bouquet with the other. 

Next in line are Jungkook’s parents, who are both holding on to each other for support. When Jungkook’s and his mother’s eyes meet for the first time today, unspoken words are shared between the mother and son, small smiles gracing their lips in acknowledgement. Your parents follow after them with your father’s cheeks already red and wet with tears. 

As the entire entourage get to their seats at the front, the music stops. All bodies turn to face the entrance. The majestic wooden doors finally open with an audible creek, and the whole chapel falls quiet. 

Take my hand, 

Take my whole life too, 

For I can’t help falling in love with you

Jungkook’s eyes, previously scanning the crowd, finally fixate on you. God, you were so beautiful. He reprimands himself for using the Lord’s name in vain, but at the same time, there was no one else to speak to, or thank but the Lord Himself: for his life, for his family, for this day, and most especially, for you. 

You looked magnificent. Regal, even. 

He wasn’t familiar with how dresses were described in detail, all he knows is that the exact moment he saw you today, time just froze, as if the whole world paused in its entirety. You were the girl in his dreams. You were the girl of his dreams. 

A tiara adorned with crystals and pearls rests prettily on your head, the crown anchoring a sheer, long lace veil that flowed beautifully along the length of your gown at the back. The bodice of your dress accentuated your curves wonderfully and the endless number of baroque patterns sewn onto the fabric of your dress added up to the silhouette your wedding gown graciously gave you. 

Jungkook’s mind betrays him for a moment - the vivid memory of the single intimate moment you two shared - an experience of a lifetime that had been etched onto the back of his head for the rest of eternity. 

Jungkook subconsciously tugs at his sleeves, racking his brain for something to stop his trembling hands but achieves nothing. His palms are likewise getting clammy, only adding to the poor man’s nervousness. When he meets his mother’s eyes one more time and she sees the emotion swirling in his son’s eyes, she lets out a choked sob, resting her head against her husband’s shoulders as he places a consoling hand on her back for support.  Jungkook diverts his eyes before his own tears threaten to fall. 

As you finally reach the altar with your own hands trembling like a falling leaf in autumn, Jungkook gives you a small smile, one you reciprocate with a warmer one. Tears start to well in his eyes. Jungkook closes his eyes for a moment, gathering his courage as he takes a deep breath. With renewed hope, he takes in his surroundings and sets another smile on his face, this time more genuine than the last. He spreads his arms and speaks - 

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of God, to witness the joining of my very own brother, Junghyun and _________ in the holy covenant of marriage…” 

© hhyungz 2020. All rights reserved.

[lilacjaemin]

moonlight

pairing: idol!johnny x gender neutral reader

genre: angst and fluff

word count: 1k

summary: #7) “i dreamt about you last night” + #75) “i was just thinking about you” from 100 ways to say i love you

a/n: if i dont marry a man like johnny my life will have had no meaning. anyways enjoy khkshfkf

slamming the front door behind you, you ran your fingers through your hair, tugging at the roots. asking yourself how it could get worse, tears pricked at your eyes for what felt like the millionth time that day.

today the world was far too harsh on your already worn edges.

you trudged to bed, head pounding and lips raw from biting back sobs. you pulled the covers over you, trying not to replay the events of the day over and over in your mind.

you glanced at your phone, reading the time and sighing, knowing the time zone your boyfriend was currently in would make him asleep at an hour like this. 

you considered calling him. he had always told you he would answer as soon as he could. but his schedule was hectic lately, and the last time you called he had sounded exhausted, so you decided against it, not wanting to be a burden. you knew johnny would be mad at you for thinking that way, and it made you want to cry even more.

he had been away for two months, and while at first the number seemed easy to manage, you both soon realized how difficult it would prove to be. texts and calls could only get you so far before the longing for his touch settled in.

for the next hour you tried to stop overthinking, cuddling the big stuffed bear johnny had brought you, from which far away country you couldn't quite remember. you allowed yourself to cry once more before pulling your phone off the nightstand and shakily pressing his contact.

it rang four times and you shut your eyes tightly, feeling your only source of comfort slip out of your grasp. you brought the phone away from your ear to look at his name across your screen when the tiny numbers started counting the seconds of the call.

“baby?” his groggy voice sounding even deeper than usual, sleep still evident in his tone.

“johnny.” you tried to sound calm, but your voice wavered and you knew by the  silence on the other end that he had noticed.

“i’m sorry i woke you.” you whispered, the heavy weight of guilt settling onto your shoulders.

“no, no don’t be sorry. we have to wake up in an hour anyway. we have an early schedule,” he was sitting up, rubbing his eyes and yawning, “i was just thinking about you.”

“i was thinking about you too.” you drew shapes into the blanket across your lap.

“what’s wrong?” he asked gently.

“today was,” you began, more tears springing to your eyes. 

“one of those days, huh?”

“it was terrible. i tried so hard to push through, but its tough on my own. im sorry for calling and for giving you even more to worry about. i just really need you right now, and you aren't here to hold me together, you know?” your voice was shaky and you felt like the sadness was pulling you under again.

“honey, im sorry im not there. but im always with you, no matter the distance. you’re never a burden. you know your happiness is most important to me,” you could sense he was frowning on the other end, “and you got through it. its over now, you did it. im proud of you.”

“i miss you,” you cried, the sound of his concern breaking you completely, “i miss you so much johnny.”

“i miss you too love bug. please don’t cry,” he pouted, “can you see the moon right now?” he asked.

you stood and pulled your curtains back. “yeah.” you sniffled.

“im looking at the same moon baby, we’re under the same sky. always.”

“it looks pretty tonight.”

“is it late there?”

“yeah, i couldn't sleep.”

“get comfy under the covers, ill talk to you until you fall asleep okay?”

“but you have to get ready soon.”

“hey, don’t worry about me. just lay down and close your eyes.”

he listened as you lifted the comforters and shuffled into bed, pulling the teddy bear to your chest.

“i dreamt about you last night, you know that? you’re always on my mind.”

“you did?” 

“it was the best. i remember we were cuddling. you were wearing my favorite shirt, the one you love to steal every time i come home, and you looked so breathtaking under the moonlight. you were staring at me and when i asked what you were thinking about you answered ‘just how much i love you.’ my heart felt so full, and then i kissed you.” his voice was smooth and calm, and although you couldn’t feel his warmth beside you, when you closed your eyes and listened, it was like he was there, soothing you while stroking your hair.

“i really wish i could kiss you.” you thought about his lips and it gave you butterflies. that would be the first thing you did the next time you saw him; kiss him, you thought.

“mm i miss your lips.” he nodded in agreement, smirking into the darkness of his hotel room.

“i hope i dream about you tonight.” you whispered, drowsiness already tugging at you.

“i hope you do too. and for the record i love you more.”

“not possible,” you said through a smile, causing him to sigh in relief, “thank you. for everything.”

“anything for you.”

“johnny?” you mumbled, on the verge of falling asleep, “come home soon.” 

there was a long silence. he paused, not knowing how to answer. your voice sounded small and it made his breath hitch. he loved his job, but being away from you, especially on nights like these, hurt just a little more than he could handle. 

your phone toppled over, the speaker muffled into your pillow as you were blissfully unaware of what your request had done to him. he was thankful you couldn’t hear him anymore. he didn't want you to hear him break.

“i will,” he could barely breathe, “i promise i will.”

[themrsackerman]

Never Truly Gone

Pairing: Levi x Reader

Warnings: Another melancholy, a dash of fluff.

Summary: Levi woke up in the middle of the night and you awoke as well finding him deep and lost with his own thoughts.

You stir from slumber when you roll unto Levi's side of the bed and found it empty. You force your eyes open as you sat up only to find his hunched figure by the foot of the bed.

Levi sniffs, clearing his throat as he turns to look at you. "Did I wake you?" he asks, his hand reaching over to touch your leg. "I'm sorry, Y/n. Go back to sleep, I'll just go get something to drink." he mutters, slipping his shirt back on. He places a soft kiss on your head as he buttons up his shirt before heading out the room.

You scrub the drowsiness away from your eyes and took Levi's cloak from the chair by his bedroom window. You wrap it around yourself as you trail Levi to the kitchen.

You found him leaning against the counter, waiting for the kettle to boil. His eyes held something it hasn't for quite some time and it made your own heart ache.

"Levi?" you murmur, placing a hand on his arm. He didn't seem to notice your presence before as his head snapped to your direction when you called his name.

"Hey. What are you doing up?" he asks, his voice an octave lower than usual. You also notice his eyes are brimming with tears which he quickly tries to blink away. "What is it, Levi? Is it a nightmare?" you ask, reaching for his cheek. Levi's lips twitch as a small smile flashes on them. You know him way too much by now that there's really no point in lying. He lifts you up and sat you over the counter. He then leans his forehead on your shoulder, his hands wrapping around your waist. "It's fine if you don't want to tell me." you whisper, caressing his soft, smooth cheek, knowing well how much he struggles with expressing how he feels.

He sighs and pulls away just enough to look at you. He turns his head to place a kiss on your palm. "It's not really a nightmare." Levi finally confessed. "I.. I dreamt of my mom."

"What was the dream about?" you ask, a sad smile forming on your lips. He told you once already about his mom and he said he wished he could remember more about her. You watch Levi thought about it for a second, his eyes then drifting off to nowhere in particular.

"We were at our old home. In the underground." he starts, reminiscent. "But, she looks so good. Looks nothing like the last memories I've had of her. She looks healthy and.. happy." his lips starts to quiver but he continues. "She was saying how proud she is of me. And how much she loves me." he says, his brows twitching up together before his gaze falls back to yours.

"And then, she opened her arms to hug me. I swear it felt so real." a dry laugh escapes his lips. "She told me she misses me and kissed me on my cheek. Like how she usually does when I was a kid." his eyes drifting close as he leans his cheek further into your palm. "I was about to tell her that I miss her too but then, I woke up. And she was gone." Levi's eyes fell on the floor, a fresh wave of hot tears fall freely down his cheeks but he wipes it away quickly with the sleeve of his shirt. "I didn't even get to tell her I miss her." his voice falters though you can tell he's struggling to keep it on its usual modulation.

You held his face with both hands and wished you could take the sorrow dwelling on those blue gray eyes. You forced him to look at you and promised, "Dont worry, I'm sure she knows."

He nods and tries to recompose himself, taking a deep breath. "Besides, she's never truly gone Levi." you say and this made Levi look at you with his brows knit together.

You took hold of his shoulder and spun him around gently. You rest your chin on his shoulder as you point to his reflection on the window. "I didn't have the honor to meet your mom. But I'm sure you have something of hers. Maybe her hair or her nose.. Or her lips? Maybe her eyes?" you grin seeing Levi follow your finger as you point at each part through the reflection with a completely mesmerized gaze.

"You see, she continues to live within you Levi. Everyday that you breathe, carry yourself and make something worth while with your life." the crease between his brows disappears. "Whenever you miss her or have that silly thought that she's gone forever, trust she has and always will be here." you say and place a soft kiss on his temple. "and here." you murmur as you place a hand over his chest.

"Always smiling over you, and like she said in your dream, ever so proud of you." you grin and pulled his face slightly so that you can peck his lips. "I know this because I sure as hell am." you say and mean every word. "So proud of the man you are today."

"Thank you." Levi says quietly. You took a deep breath with him as he sags against you.

"Anytime." you say, voice muffled by his hair. "Out there, you can be Captain Levi, humanity's strongest. But whenever you're with me, you can just be Levi." you say, hands combing through his soft hair.

"Just, Levi." you enunciate.

"And I'll try to be whatever you need." you promised. He inhales deeply then turns to fully face you. You open your arms to him and his head nestles the crook of your neck. "Don't you ever leave me, okay?" he whispers, making your heart swell.

This is the closest thing he'll ever get to saying I love you and you will gladly take it any day. Levi hoped you knew it well though because he knows he sucks at expressing how he felt about you.

[absolutiions]

´   ･   .   ✶   ⧼    madchen   amick,   non   binary,   she   &   they   /   fucked   my   way   to   the   top   by   lana   del   rey   +   eyes   the   color   crimson   and   hands   stained   in   crimson,   too.   victim   of   the   underworld,   you   are   not.   you   came,   not   to   sit   silent   at   his   side   as   dutiful   wives   do,   but   to   whisper   in   his   ear.   pouted   lips   smeared   ruby   stoke   the   flames   of   his   darkest   impulses   and   his   deepest   desires.   you   are   the   conqueror.   you   are   the   queen.   and   may   god   have   mercy   upon   anyone   who   underestimates   this   :   because   you   will   not.    ⧽   ━━   don’t   look   now,   but   that’s   ATHENODORA.   the   TWO   THOUSAND,   FIVE   HUNDRED   &   TWENTY   TWO  (   varying   physical   )   year   old   GIFTED   VAMPIRE   has   been   here   in   seattle   for   three   minutes,   and   is   considered   a   member   of   the   VOLTURI.   they’ve   always   been   MACHIAVELLIAN   &   INDOMITABLE,   but   i   guess   this   town   just   brings   out   the   worst   in people   ;   apparently,   they’ve   been   way   more  INSOUCIANT   &   SUPERCILIOUS   than   usual.   it   wouldn’t   surprise   me   if   they   knew   what   was   going   on.   click   HERE   to   check   out   her   stats.

they   told   you   that   you   were   a   nobody,      so   you   became   the   QUEEN.   (   now   everybody   knows   your   name   )

SECTION ONE OF THREE : background / human era. trigger warnings for talk of pregnancy, death, abuse

born circa 502 bc, in a little village that has no lasting name nor impact in ancient greece. 

five of the children born to her parents survived to adulthood, and since she was the last one... it is almost like, her whole life, she has been suffering from younger child syndrome. who knew !

she very literally grew up in a diff time, so when i say she wasn’t rly close to any of her siblings, i don’t mean it in a like... horrible way. it’s not a reflection of character. they just didn’t have a tight sibling bond, though she loved them greatly. 

same w her parents. they were unexceptional people who lived unexceptional lives, and though she was grateful for, u know... their creation of her - they were not close. they did not, in laymans terms, have the lorelai and rory gilmore dynamic. 

her whole family were content to live their dismal lives, and... tho athenodora did not vibe, she, again - grew up in a diff time. of course she dreamt of more. of course she prayed to the gods for something better. but she was achingly aware of the fact that no such future would ever exist for her. such is life in 400 whatever bc, bumfuck, greece.

she was just barely eighteen when she was married to athanasios, to secure land, or smth, because those were the times. of course it was something like that. 

he was... fine, at first. a little small minded ( that wasn’t the ONLY thing that was small, haha ). he, like everyone, was content to live the same old life, and athenodora just... wasn’t. she had been raised on stories of grandeur, and her parents had thought she would settle for the regular - it should not have been a surprise that she didn’t want to, but gods, did she try.

she never loved him, she can safely say ; but she wished that she did. for a long while, athenodora thought it would be easier, and thought that she could do a lot worse. unfortunately... she cld not.

their lives were meant to follow a certain pattern. they had gotten married, and now he would work all day, make them money, tend their land. she would stay home. cook. clean. raise the children that they were sure to have. athenodora was capable of almost everything expected of her, except for the most important part - she couldn’t seem to give him children. not strong sons. not beautiful daughters. 

at first, he told her that it was fine. 

after a year or so, he still told her that it was fine, but she could see in his eyes that it wasn’t.

two years after this, he called her the ancient greek version of defective for the very first time - and things only got worse from there.

he had always been a perfectly fine husband, until he was not, and athenodora had always wanted to love him, until she did not. she prayed to the gods every morning and night, to give her what her husband so desired. to give her that which would make her life better, even if she knew it would not heal the wounds already caused.

sometimes the gods r not dicks. a miracle! she becomes pregnant, aged twenty four ( i kno it sounded like she was a crone but again please remember the times ). she always thought it was just what was best n only athanasios would care, but , wow... suddenly. she cares. she has never felt this level of love with anything, until now.

but, tragedy :// straight white men ( idk, i just feel like her husband was the root of all evil ) are not so easily satisfied. who wld have guessed he wld continue to be an abusive asshole even after his wife succeeded in getting pregnant? i bet i shocked u all. who wld have guessed that a huge part of his problem wld end up being that suddenly, athenodora clearly cares abt something - and it isn’t him. again. got you all!

over the course of her pregnancy, he becomes, for the first time, a real threat to her - or maybe, athenodora simply never took him seriously until there is another person to think of. either way, she TRULY fears him and what he’s capable of by the time she gives birth, and after he makes some passing remark abt their baby, she yeets the FUCK out of there in the middle of the night, eirene ( baby ) only a handful of days old. she takes what she can carry and nothing more, and she... makes it pretty far, thanks to the kindness of strangers. you love to see it.

she settles somewhere ( she considers to be ) far away, and she makes up a good story : her husband died in a war ( there were probably a lot of time, i dont know ) and she was widowed, left to care for their young daughter alone. i know. its really original. they didnt have tv shows back then to rip stories from though.

stays in a hovel on the edge of their village. think the shittiest home you’ve ever seen and then make it shittier. there are rumors about her being a witch, and she kind of appreciates them, because it keeps kids out of her yard. and shock of all shock : in spite of being... u know. a woman. and not very skilled. she finds a very hot ticket job - working for the very wealthy volturi family who live on the other ( opposite ) outside of town, but like, in a considerably better home, obviously. 

honestly, i don’t kno what the ancient greek equivalent of that secretary in new moon is, but that’s the vibe we’re going for, here. she’s like, a chambermaid or smth. and she makes a tidy little sum. doesn’t question her weirdo bosses that much. doesn’t know what anemia is because im p sure it wasnt discovered by then, but presumes they have it.

and maybe, just maybe, it’s the finesse of the century : or maybe, just maybe, it is destiny. in no time at all, she has caught the eye of the volturi’s most eligible bachelor(tm) : caius volturi. many another worker is made upset by this fact, as athenodora is very quickly alotted VERY special treatment as the apple of his eye, which includes, i don’t know... hand delivered baskets of pomegranates, a nicer home and in due time, the simple pleasures of the flesh.

so that’s pretty neat. and life’s pretty fine. she feels like an ancient greek sugar baby, and honestly, isn’t that all she’s ever deserved? she’s got some nice digs ( i don’t think she’d have called them that ) and a man who worships the ground she walks on and who spoils her with pretty things, and most importantly : she is taking care of her daughter, who i absolutely didn’t forget about. eirene is the literal light of athenodora’s life, and everybody knows it. if i say jean valjean and cosette vibes, can we all pretend we get it?

and then it goes to shit. as things do.

her daughter is fourteen years old, when her father finds them ; and she doesn’t know, she never knows, if he was seeking them out or whether it was all DUMB luck. regardless of it all, he is stood inside her home, his breath coming in angry half pants, and athenodora is convinced that this is it. that her end has come. that her freedom is over. she dies, she thinks, or she returns back to the house that was not her home with him. these are her options. 

she tells her daughter to leave. she stops him from following. when she is shoved and her head hits the table, she is aware of the option he has chosen for them more than all else - but the gods, or perhaps, just one - intervenes.

until this night, athenodora had never known the truth of the volturi. but when her beloved saves her from athanasios, she sees him for what he is. she UNDERSTANDS. and she isn’t frightened. she should be, for sure, she should be running as fast as she can - but all she can think in that moment is that she is free now in all the ways she has never been... and caius, her love, is something so much larger than this life. 

for the first time, the godhood that athenodora has always dreamt of is within her grasp. she makes him promise that once eirene comes of age, he will make her into the same creature that he IS. she makes him swear a solemn oath, and he who has been so infatuated by her for so long cannot argue.

four years. this is all it takes, and then eirene is eighteen - capable of standing upon her own two feet. athenodora leaves her everything - all the gifts she has ever been given, all the wealth accumulated, the home. everything she will not need, once she is gone. and she says a final goodbye.

caius turns her himself. the greatest gift he could ever give her.

and reborn, athenodora is MORE than everyone in her life could ever dream of being. she is the queen of the underworld, the goddess of death. she is all of this, and more. at his side, she finds GREATNESS. and once she had it, athenodora decided she would never again be without. 

SECTION TWO OF THREE : volturi era.

became cool. became powerful. very emma frost of her, rly 

didnt rly care for the rest of the coven outside of caius but sometimes u gotta hang w scrubs 

didyme dies sometime after her turning, and that kind of fucks everybody up

not so much her bc like i said she didnt rly care but... caius b frightened of losing her, i guess

kind of throws a spanner in the works 

she spends a lot of time ‘locked away’. not , like, literally ( bc that’s gross! ) but... caius takes over protective to the extreme

uses this time to harness her power and fuck

not always in that order

also spends a lot of time telling him he deserves to b leader

deserves to b the new aro

who needs powers?

not u, caius

go kick their ass baby i got ur flower-

( he doesn’t go kick their ass but man she wishes he wld )

she’s genuinely devoted to him, however, as much as it sometimes seems as if she’s using him as a means to an end

she DOES do that with a LOT of people, but caius... that’s her baby! her darling! her sweetie pie! fuck everybody else in this house caius, she respects YOU ! 

she jus wants to see him be the best there ever was, and he’s.... p... happy to giv her everything she wants, so their dynamic is actually p equal 

we love to see it

anyway lots of years happened and now she’s here

seattle sucks -athenodora’s official review

but she’s fucking SICK of aro’s shit and thinks her 2020 birthday wld be the best time for an official change of pace

obviously aro can read minds so he knows athenodora has high aspirations but he has learned his fucking lesson w killing ppls mates, i guess

lucky for her!

that’s all i got

hehe

SECTION THREE OF THREE : power.

athenodora is an ungifted vampire in twilight canon, but to that i say : fuck ya chicken strips. in equinox, she be special. her power is life force manipulation, in a pretty unique ( and dare i say ) way.

she was a forty two year old woman, when she was turned. she had lived a life, and she had the MARKS to show for it. but the very first time that she drank human blood from the vein, athenodora realized that she was not as unexceptional as she had always been lead to believe she was. vampires do not change. they’re frozen in time, like statues, portraits, photographs... and yet, before caius’ very eyes - athenodora did what no other vampire could. mere seconds passed, and suddenly ; she was stood before her beloved, decades younger. it lasted as long as her thirst was sated, with her age returning to her as her eyes darkened once more. and it happened all over again, when next she fed. 

over time, she’s come to understand it well enough. she has a particular love of younger humans ; those in their twenties, and thus, physical primes. she thinks that is, in part, down to her gift ; she seeks these out to drink from because when she feeds, she’s not simply drinking their blood, but also, their life force. she’s taking theirs to add to her own.

like many gifted vampires, she has spent time learning what she can of her gift, and learning whether there is some other way to apply it. it took almost two thousand years, but eventually - athenodora discovered that with a touch, her fingertips to their skin ( and a great deal of focus ), she could render another changed, also. it lasts for only a short amount of time - an hour, maybe a little longer, depending on how strong she is. but it works. and it makes her think that, in all her unlimited time : she might just be able to do even more. be a danger. manipulate life force in a way that can DESTROY. she’ll keep on working on that for as long as she lives. 

[laissezferre]

review: poto manila cast: ian jon bourg, carla verdier, matt leisy

gosh, it's nice to see phantom again! the last time i saw it was in singapore five years ago or so, and since then i'd like to think that i've gained substantially more knowledge on the show's history, costumes, sets, etc, etc.--and that awareness of where things should be and where people should stand has somehow affected my viewing this time around.

i saw the show fairly early in its run, so things will most likely get better, but for its first week of shows, it's pretty solid! i didn't get to see the principal phantom and christine, and while i was pretty bummed about that initially , i realized soon enough that it wasn't such a bad deal (more on that later).

what i like most about this production is how palpable the thought behind every portrayal is. even as far as the balcony, it's very clear that christine was falling in and out of a trance/hypnosis in music of the night. it's very clear that christine was being compelled to walk towards the phantom in why so silent. it's very clear how the crowd in masquerade pokes and prods at christine (not literally) until she gets overwhelmed and confused. you can also pinpoint the exact moment in point of no return that christine realizes that the phantom is under the hood. i don't know if that's stage direction or clara verdier's acting choices, but either way, i loved it.

everyone already knows that they removed the golden angel from the proscenium. apart from that they also had to adjust scenic design and props because the theater doesn't allow open fire indoors. so, no flash in red death's exit, none as well when the phantom releases raoul from the lasso. no fireballs in wandering child. instead the floor bursts with gusts of air and some light when raoul goes near the phantom, and instead of a flash for the phantom's exit, the stage is lit with harsh red light accompanied by a loud thunder sound that rattles the auditorium, then black out.

i "think" that they slowed down some of the scenes. i remember listening to matt leisy sing his part in think of me and going "huh, he's taking his time". i felt the same way in all i ask of you reprise and the finale. someone please confirm, but does the show really last 2 hours and 10 minutes without interval?

some notable things that only fans will care about: christine falls to the floor when the mannequin moves. the phantom doesn’t catch her in time. also, the phantom doesn't drag his entire body across the stage in stranger than you dreamt it; he crawls on his knees.

could be improved: major props to the guy on soundboard that night for being alert, because feedback tried to kill our ears twice, but they got it under control before it could reach that blackboard-screeching level that haunts us all in our sleep.  sometimes i could also hear gears turning and machines whirring as the set pieces moved, which can’t be pleasant if you’re sitting on the stalls. i'm not sure if this normal, but it was noticeable when the title track switched from prerecorded to live. also, although notes 1 and 2 were considerably slowed down, i still couldn't understand most of it, same with wandering child trio. maybe poto and counterpoint just aren't meant to be.

ian jon bourg as the phantom (u/s)

as i mentioned earlier, i was a little disappointed when i learned that jonathan wasn't our phantom. i didn't check the cast board so i didn't know, but when he started singing in the mirror, i knew--that wasn't jonathan's voice. imo voice is the weak link in ian's solid performance. he struggles in music of the night; he either fades out or does an awkward falsetto that doesn't ring nicely in the ears, and he sounds out of breath. but barring that, when the notes hit right in his range, he has a lovely deep voice that booms beautifully. his voice also breaks in all the right places, giving a portrayal of a phantom that's vulnerable and sympathetic. despite being a murderer.

ian is more memorable for his acting. he doesn't have the little phantom quirks that fans love--no flicks of the wrist, no ridiculously seductive hands as they brush up his hair, but i think he's very "eric", he's canon eric. he's not fit or sexy or seductive. with ian, the audience is very much aware of who the phantom is-- an old, resentful, and lonely man. 

what ian has going for him--and here i will stick my neck out--is that he doesn't have chemistry with clara. sure, christine is drawn to him and is mystified by him, but the audience (ymmv) doesn't come out of the show choosing team eric or team raoul.

ian can pull off threatening but sympathetic really well. he acted the hell out of stranger than you dreamt it. when he got to "fear can turn to love", i shuddered because he sounded so utterly dangerous. he was the textbook delusional but controlled madman trying to convince a victim that what he's saying makes sense, and then he turns away from christine and whimpers like a child. the whiplash is incredible. what's even more incredible is that i was still able to feel for him despite all that.

this is also the first show i've seen where i can feel the phantom's age. how old is eric? late 50s? ian seems to age throughout the finale, and by the time christine kisses him and they're gaping at each other, he looks and sounds exhausted. he could barely mutter "forget all of this", and then manages to compress the bulk of his entire body into a pitiful huddle that by the end of it, everyone just feels sorry for him. carla's christine really felt for him too; she broke when he sang "i love you" but she never gave any indication that she wanted to stay.

carla verdier as christine (alt)

carla's christine is a truly terrified christine. she's not as playful or vibrant as the ones that are usually well-loved--the opposite of samantha hill, basically. the phantom really got under her skin, because it took some real comforting before she could loosen up with raoul in all i ask of you. i think she does a better act 1 than 2 when christine is really in the height of desperation. her christine eventually found her strength in the finale--when she was shielding raoul from the phantom, she was still trembling, but she managed to take tiny steps to confront the phantom, and the phantom moved away.

unfortunately, carla's voice is shrilly and thin, and once her vibrato came it stayed. i wasn't sure yet who our christine was but when she got to the part where christine was supposed to settle into singing think of me, i knew, "this isn't principal-worthy". she did that harsh inhale through the nose that sierra boggess did at the end of think of me. her voice also wavered a few times; i wasn't sure if there were mic problems or if she just had the tendency to fade out, especially when she's being drowned out by other voices. it was sad to see, because you're never fully confident that she was going to hit the note or not. that being said, her "soul began to soar" was gorgeous.

matt leisy as raoul

matt is such a supportive raoul. he's gentle with christine and he never forces himself or looms over her, even in notes 2. you know when you're watching a raoul and you keep thinking "please don't be an asshole, pls dont be an asshole". raouls are held to such a high standard of Perfect Musical Boyfriend, and matt did just that, not a single misstep.

matt has a clear voice that rises above choruses, so when he sings softly--i.e. with carla's christine--you know he's intentionally adjusting.

overall i really enjoyed poto manila, especially the clearness of direction and ian jon bourg. there were a few tech problems, but i’m sure they’ll sort it out speedily.

[blueyesandleatherjacket]

Ghost of you, 15/?

Volume: 1.

Number of parts: 15/?.

Pairings: Human!Nine x Rose; Human!Ten x Jack; Clara Oswald x Olivia Baxter (OC).

Synopsis: "She felt it, it was time to speak about the weight on her shoulders. Something she had never done before."

A/N: I've started writing this fiction last year after I had a particularly weird dream (as usual) and after I wrote the prologue, I've put it aside to work on other stuff. I've gone back to it not so long ago and decided that it would be the fiction I would post next, after not posting anything for a while. I must have watched I am legend and Game of thrones way too much to come out with something like this but I hope you will like it. I am not a scientist, nor did I have a particular knowledge of sciences. I do my researches on the internet like everyone to make sure everything is as close to the reality as possible. I have a literature degree only. Writing is what I do and it makes me explore next fields, and learn new things.

“'Cause I'd rather feel your pain than nothing at all.” - Three Doors Down.

CHAPTER 15:

Amy woke up slowly. She was wrapped into a cocoon of warmth and well-being. She didn’t remember when was the last time she had felt so well. She stretched her body. She was taking all her time. She didn’t want to lose this precious well-being she hadn’t felt in ages. There was someone lay by her side. She rolled on her side and cuddled into the warm body beside her. She heard a smile and someone wrapped an arm around her. She must be dreaming but that dream was pleasurable. She liked it. She lazily wrapped her arm around that person. She didn’t know what she had expected but certainly not to be so close to a woman. This surprised her beyond words and she reluctantly rolled away from the unknown person she liked cuddling into. She couldn’t let herself go that way. The other woman reacted by trying to soothe her but Amy was too sleepy to be calmed down so easily. She needed to clear her mind first. Moaning, she pushed the hand away and rubbed her eyes. She stretched her body and looked around her. She wasn’t in her office but she wasn’t in her house either. It was a room she didn’t know. Had she done it again? Had she drunk until she had a blackout and been brought home by some stranger? There were pictures on the wall facing the bed. Pictures of a couple. Great, the woman she was with was married. She would have to deal with another cheated husband. She knew well that she didn’t have any control on herself when she was drunk. It was only a way to mute her pain. She was doing this when it was too strong, when it was suffocating her. She focused on the pictures on the wall. She wanted to see what the man she would have to face in the near future – because fate always made sure she faced them – looked like and the last pieces of the puzzle clicked together. It was Maxence Spitz. She remembered how she had ended up here. She had watched Rose work with Maxence for a while and the scientist had taken her into the private parts of the lab. They had had a quick lunch and they had settled down here. After a quick shower, they had lain down in bed and, reassured that she wasn’t alone for once, Amy had fallen asleep rather quickly. How much time had she slept? Had Rose watched her while she was asleep or had she slept too? It felt weird to be here, in this bed, with the wife of the man supposed to be her boss at the moment. But it was the start of a friendship. “How long have I slept?” A certain time according to her croaked voice and the feeling of being rested. She hadn’t felt this way in a very long time. It was before… “I’d say eight solid hours.” “Eight hours?” “You needed that sleep.” “And you?” “A couple hours.” Amy looked up at Rose. She was sat against a pile of pillows, glasses on her head and a book on her lap. She was reading and marking pages by folding their upper corner. Probably a book about her current researches. She looked as exhausted as before though. “You don’t look like someone who’s slept.” “Never said it was a good sleep.” “Do you have nightmares?” “I’m not the only one.” Rose looked away from her book to stare at Amy. Those whiskey eyes were clear on the meaning of those words. Somewhen during the night she had dreamt of this event and she must have screamed and cried and struggled against the sheets. “Sorry.” “Don’t be. I know what it is.” If there was something nice about Rose, it was that she wasn’t asking questions. She was giving her the time to consider the eventuality and if she wasn’t talking, she wouldn’t insist. She would wait until she was ready. “We all have our demons. You know mine already.” “But you don’t know mine.” “You’re not forced to talk to me.” “You’ve been comforting me, that’s the least I can do. You’re also the only one to care about me here.” Her voice was sad when she evoked this lack of friends in her surroundings. Rose was the first one to ever hold a hand out to her in this place and it felt amazing to have someone like her so close to her. Somehow, it felt easier to make friends in such a situation. She hesitantly snuggled closer to her new friend. “In my hometown, I’m known to sleep with married women,” she chuckled. “It only happened once but you know how people are.” “We all do mistakes.” “When my pain was suffocating me, I was going to a pub and drinking until I couldn’t feel it anymore. Once, I was taken home by a woman and I woke up in her bed. Only to be caught by her husband a couple hours later.” Amy fell silent after this admission. She was waiting for the judgement to come. People always judged a woman that was sleeping with someone married or that was having relations with another woman. But Rose didn’t say a thing. Instead, she pointed to a picture on the wall. A younger version of her and Maxence together in a park. Maxence had his arms around Rose and he was smiling brightly. Rose was just as happy on this picture. “This was the day we admitted our feelings to each other. It was one month after I broke up with Liv.” “You mean…” “Olivia Baxter, our doctor. We’ve known each other since forever. I’m totally bi. Not gonna judge you on this one.” “We didn’t…” “No.” Amy was relieved to know this at least. A friend that wasn’t judging her and that hadn’t let her make another mistake. Finally someone open minded. “Not enough alcohol in this building for us to be drunk. And I’m faithful.” “I used to be,” sadly murmured the therapist. She sat up and stared at the wall before her. She felt it, it was time to speak about the weight on her shoulders. Something she had never done before but Rose was offering her the trust and friendship she needed. It was all new but she knew deep down that she could say anything to this woman. She would listen and never judge. Hopefully. As a way to prove it, Rose took her hand and gently squeezed it. “The virus was already out when it happened. It wasn’t as bad as it is now. We could go out and have fun. And that’s what we did, my husband and son and I. There was a fair in our little town and we’ve spent the day there. It was a long and amazing day. My little boy, my William…” Her voice trailed off and she stopped speaking for a couple minutes. The anxiety was strangling her again. Rose didn’t say anything, she just stroked her hand with her thumb. A way to reassure her, to tell her that she wasn’t alone. After all, she was going through a loss too and she knew what it was. There was nothing to say at the moment. She could only listen. “We let him eat too much sugar and he was sick. I was driving so Bob, my husband, could deal with our son. He was blaming me for buying so much candy floss and so many sweets and I was trying to argue that our son’s happiness was the only thing that mattered. Every kid experiences sickness because of sweets at one point. But this argument signed our end. It distracted us.” She closed her eyes as the memories flew into her mind. She could see herself driving, her husband turned to watch William who was complaining about a belly ache. Two parents arguing and a sick child. She was looking for a place to stop the car so they could get out and breathe some fresh air to make the nausea disappear. And this man came out of nowhere. She brutally steered to avoid him and she lost the control of the car. No matter how hard she was trying to get the control back, the car kept sliding on the road and her husband was yelling at her and it was disturbing her. What had to happen happened. The car left the road and collided with a tree. The shock was so violent and so sudden that the airbags didn’t work. Her head bumped against the steering wheel and she thought it was over for her. “When I woke up, I was in the ICU. They waited until I was transferred to the light cares unit before telling me the truth. They haven’t suffered, they say. The collision killed them both instantly.” This was the last straw. Amy burst into tears and Rose wrapped her arms around her. She hugged her tight and rubbed her back while she cried all the pain that was still hurting her heart.

x

Zachary was worried. He had watched Maxence working and entering all the formula he had written on the wall on his personal space. Zachary had transferred the data to Tegan for him to approve of them. He would have to talk with Rose to be sure this was exact and to use those formula for their researches. But that wasn’t the reason why Zachary was so worried. After he was done, Maxence had cleaned the walls and instead of pacing around his cage, he had lain down and closed his eyes as if he was gonna sleep. At first, Zachary had thought he was doing it out of habit – a habit from when he was human – or because he was simply bored and wanted to look at the ceiling like he was often doing. Allegro was watching a movie in his cell. There was nothing to worry about for him. However, for Maxence, things were getting complicated. His brain seemed to have switched to a standby mode. A sort of sleep that wasn’t really sleep. He was just lying there with his eyes closed. Zachary was keeping an eye on his vital signs. His brain activity had reduced to the minimum, to the very minimum. If Zach didn’t have the other information under his eyes, he would think that the man was dead or about to be. Maybe he was dying. Zachary wasn’t very qualified on this field but he was clever enough to understand that something was wrong. The vital signs weren’t good at all. He entered an alert on their interactive group work. Someone needed to come and do a check up on him. Just to be sure that the fake cure given to him wasn’t having any effect on him anymore. Just a precaution not to lose him all of a sudden. Tegan was busy with the hacker and the maker of this fake cure at the moment and he wouldn’t be able to come before he was done. Rose had gone with Amy a little moment ago and they hadn’t come back yet. Jack and Clara were checking new formulas with Martha. Liv was probably getting some rest somewhere. All the qualified people of this team were busy elsewhere. Zachary hoped they would see the alert before anything happened to Maxence. That could be really bad. Allegro, on the other hand, was perfectly fine. All the effects of the ultraviolet were gone since they had turned off the lights and he hadn’t had any other fit of anger. Another check up was supposed to be done on him. If he was getting three negatives in a row, he would be able to come out of this place. It would be a relief but he wasn’t putting his hopes too high. He was bored in this cage but he was also very safe. Zachary was often chatting with him whenever he was having a small break. “Any good zombie movies to recommend to me?” It was just yesterday. Allegro was in a quite good mood and he wanted to joke. A zombie movie really was the easiest of jokes in the current times. That was why Allegro had asked for this. “What makes you think I’m a fan of zombie movies?” “You’re quite young. Young people love scaring themselves with those sorts of movies.” “Sorry to disappoint you, I’m prefer comedies and anime series. I love a good documentary too.” “Still a kid inside.” “What’s the point of growing up if you can’t be childish at times?” “I like your philosophy but I unfortunately have seen too many horrors to find my innocence again.” Just like Jack, Allegro had been a soldier before. When his contract with the army was over, he hadn’t renewed it. Instead, he had started looking for small jobs that were less stressful and that didn’t require traveling that much. That’s how he had ended up being a security member of this lab. Not a bad job during the good times. “You’re locked in there for a while, why not bringing back all those memories from your childhood? I’m sure the cartoons you used to watch are still available.” “How old do you think I am?” Zachary chuckled. He knew how old Allegro was. He was gonna turn forty soon. On normal times, some of his colleagues would have organised a small surprise party. Just to celebrate this special day. This lab could be such a perfect place sometimes. “Old enough to listen to those songs no one knows on Jazz FM.” “I like this radio. It’s relaxing.” “More a fan of Beethoven, me.” “That is surprising.” “I like rock music. I wish I could have gone to a Maiden concert. I guess it’s a dream that will never come true though.” “You can’t know. They maybe will find a cure that will save this world.” “It will take a while before people start trusting other people again to gather into public places.” “There’s this band I really like. A French band. It’s quite special but it’s really good. Ever heard of Indochine?” “If that’s not about this part of the world, then, I don’t what it is.” “It inspired the name. Listen to it. It’s really nice.” That’s how Zach had ended up on YouTube to listen to that French band while Allegro was taking a nap. Old school, bit weird, but very good. He really liked the music. Some of their songs were bringing energy and good vibes. It certainly was appreciated. “Are you watching one of those cartoons again?” joked Allegro. “Nope.” “That seems entertaining.” “It is. That’s the band you’ve told me about. I don’t understand half the lyrics but their music is nice.” “You can’t understand them. There isn’t any sense to their lyrics most of the time.” “Not sure about it.” “That’s not what’s causing you to be so anxious though.” “No. I’m keeping an eye on Maxence’s vital signs and they haven’t been good for a couple hours. I’ve entered an alert but no one has seen it yet.” “Is this that bad?” “If there wasn’t this information on my screen, I’d thought he’s dead. He hasn’t moved in hours.” “And no one had come? That’s weird.” “They’re all busy. T is on the hacker case. Rose is with the therapist. Jack and Clara and Martha are busy with some new formulas. I have no idea where Liv can be. And there’s nothing…” He was interrupted in his explanation by the striding sound and the red alert on his screens. Maxence sat up straight suddenly, gasping for air. He tapped the wall for someone to help him. Zach was powerless but thankfully, he saw Liv, fully dressed into a hazmat suit, running straight to his cage. She had seen the alert, he thought with relief. Maxence was coughing now. He still couldn’t breathe. He fell down the bed, on his hands and knees. Liv tried to talk to him but he wasn’t listening. All he wanted was air. She placed an oxygen mask on his face. He greedily breathed in that pure air finally reaching his lungs. “Breathe slowly, Maxence. Very slowly.” He wasn’t listening. He was too focused on taking as much air as he could. He was feeling better now that he could breathe again. He looked up at Liv and saw the sadness and fear in her eyes. She pressed her fingers on his ear briefly and pulled them back. The tip of her gloves was covered with a crimson sticky fluid. Blood. He touched his face, his ears, his nose, his mouth and his fingers were covered with the same blood. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t good at all. “We’re gonna have to make you go through another scan.” She had seen his latest results and they were bad. Jack had created an alert about it earlier this week. Zachary’s had made an echo to this alert and was telling them that the situation was getting worse. Maxence was fighting the virus and it was slowly killing him. Liv cupped his cheek. “You have to stop fighting. I know you don’t want to, but you have to. It’s important. You’re dying, Maxence.” Dying. The word echoed in his mind. Wasn’t he already dying? Wasn’t he dead since the moment he had been infected? He wanted to get better and he needed to be himself to find that cure. He couldn’t be himself if he stopped fighting. Rose wanted him to fight. So he had to keep fighting. Whatever it caused him. “I’m serious, Max. You might not hold on until we find that cure if you don’t let the virus win.” He shook his head and put the mask back on his face. Liv was amazed to see how aware he was of his surroundings. She knew it was because he was fighting but it was still a shock to see it. “Rose will understand. Nightwalkers don’t die from the virus unless they get involved in fights. You can’t be both. You’ll get back to your real self, but not now.” He pushed the mask away once again. His breathing was much better. He didn’t need it anymore. He gave it back to Liv. She would probably have to destroy it now. She wouldn’t use it on someone healthy. Or she would keep it for him if he was having another fit. “You can let go. It’s okay.” He didn’t want to. He refused to. He didn’t want to abandon his friends, his team. He wanted to help them as much as he could. Even if he had to die for this. He shook his head and Liv took her hand away from his face. “I’ll always be there to save you like you’ve saved me if you keep fighting. I won’t let you die.” He was surprised by the sudden change of speech from the young woman. What was making her change her mind so quickly? There must be a reason for that. “You never gave up when I was in troubles,” she murmured. “So I’m never gonna give up until you’re better.” Next thing he knew, she was hugging him tight. The plastic of the suit creaked. It was rather unpleasant to feel this against his skin but it was the first time he was given a hug in forever. So he hugged her back. It wasn’t the same as hugging Rose but it was okay. He liked it. Finally someone wasn’t afraid of the nightwalker him.

x

Tegan quickly walked to the public workspace where Camden and Donna were working. Camden had asked for him to come because they had found a clue for the patient zero. Even if it was good news, he wasn’t pleased to be interrupted in his rest. He had sorted things out with Colin and made him lock away in an empty area of the lab with guards to be sure he wouldn’t run away. It was also for him to be fed and taken care of if there was any problem. This was a solved case. While he was resting after Liv healed him, there had been this alert from Zachary that was causing him to be anxious. So anxious that he was on the edge of panicking. That was why Liv had insisted on him resting. She would check on Maxence and keep him updated. His head was pounding and his face was painful. Colin had quite a punch and doing nothing to protect himself had been a clever but dangerous move. He was paying for it but that pain was highly satisfying knowing the result. He had remained on the couch of his office for a moment before another mail came. A mail from Camden requiring his presence immediately. He had sighed and made his way there. He couldn’t refuse any clue when it was for a cure that would save Maxence. “I hope that’s not a deadlock. I’m not in the mood for fake hopes.” Speaking was hurting because it was using too many muscles that were bruised and sensitive but he couldn’t avoid this conversation. It was too crucial. Donna opened her eyes wide when she saw his face and Camden raised an interrogative eyebrow. This place was rather interesting in the end. The interactions between the scientists seemed to be highly charged. More than in a usual lockdown situation. There were personal matters interfering. It was fascinating. “What has happened to you?” “Bad moves while training.” “I’ve studied biology. This is not an accident.” “Whatever. This is not what brings me here, right?” “Jack and Clara will tell you I’m a very curious man.” “He is,” confirmed Donna. “And I never give up until I have my answers.” “That’s also true,” sighed the red-haired woman. “Well, look for all the answers you want and give me what I’ve come for.” Tegan sat down on the chair facing Camden and pushed the cardboard boxes that were in front of him. He folded his arms on his chest. He wanted to go back to his couch with an ice pack and an aspirin. But he was as curious as Camden and wanted his answers. “As a scientist, you must know what the Xeroderma Pigmentosum is.” “Yes. An extremely rare disease that makes every patient unable to bear the UV lights.” “And did you know there were researches to find a cure?” “Just like every cancer on Earth, there always has been researches for Xeroderma Pigmentosum. Get straight to the point.” Camden gathered a couple of papers that were scattered in front of him and pushed them toward Tegan. The neurologist took them. He didn’t understand where Camden was going but it was because his pain was distracting him. “We’ve found out that the most important researches were done by someone called Myrtle Appleton. Here, in England.” “However,” continued Donna, “she was sacked from the lab she was working in because she was using unconventional methods. It was a couple days before the virus hit the world officially.” “But she didn’t stop her researches. She has done them clandestinely.” “So, you’re telling me that this Myrtle Appleton was running experiences secretly and that one of these experiences might have gone wrong and provoked this whole mess?” “Yes.” Tegan put the documents down. He hadn’t even read them. His mind was focused on something else, something that didn’t please him at all. He jumped to his feet and left the workspace. He made his way to the empty part of the building where Colin was locked. Their paths kept crossing and Tegan really, really hated it…

To be continued...

Ghost of you © | 2017 - 2018 | Tous droits réservés.

×××

In the next chapter:

Colin was outrageously relaxed for someone who had been sacked and locked away. Tegan was resisting the envy of throwing him out of the lab and letting him see how he would survive out there. It was a chance that it hadn’t done it yet since Colin was gonna be really useful if he accepted to speak. Tegan wouldn’t get inside his prison. It would be playing Colin’s game. He would just do what he had to do by staying outside. One black eye was enough for him. He observed Colin. The scientist was laid on the desk of the room and watching the ceiling. He had a smirk on his face. He didn’t seem bothered at all by the whole situation. He was annoyed to have been caught but he was living it quite well. And this was infuriating Tegan. How could this mad scientist be so happy with himself when he almost killed a man?

×××

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[alicedoessurveys]

45 Questions

1. What would you consider your favorite holiday? Why is this? christmas! I love the excitement of the lead up to it and I love Christmas Day with the family. also love that for that day almost every shop & business is shut for the day, theres just a nice atmosphere

2. When did you last fight with your significant other? Single gal here. I feel like I always will be. <same gurl

3. Do you do any special workouts to stay in shape? performing in stage shows. with the rehearsal/performance schedule you just dont get time to eat and also its usually quite physical stuff. the last show I did I actually lost 2 stone over the 2 months of rehearsals and show run!

4. If you’re a girl, do you have big hips? Too big? bigger than id like them to be but not too big tbh

5. Do people tend to call you by any certain nicknames? normally al. grandad calls be Ali bong. my sis calls me bongy or bonga. my best friend calls me Chinese 

6. When was the last time you had alcohol? What kind? last night, couple gin and rose lemonades with my sis

7. When was the last time you talked to your father? literally like 2 seconds ago he’s sat the other side of the room to me right now

8. What are the last four numbers of your phone number? I know the last three are 225 but I cant remember what comes before that, I think its 4 🤷🏻‍♀️ my number is very similar to my moms so I get them mixed up all the time 

9. Is there anything / one you’re losing faith in right now? myself, but then again I never really had faith in myself 

10. When is the next time you’ll eat chocolate candy? probably tomorrow

11. Is there a day you’d just like to forget? Which one? the fact that I cant think of any right now means I have already forgotten 

12. Are you someone who takes too many surveys? well I have a side blog dedicated to them so ya

13. Girls, do you think you look good in dresses or not? no

14. Do you have a whiteboard in your room to remind you of things? no I just have post it notes and notepads everywhere so I can write stuff down quick when they pop in my head 

15. When was the last time you used a Kleenex? Why? this morning, because I had to blow my nose

16. Do you prefer surveys with long or short questions? I like the questions that provoke long answers

17. Have you ever taken a pottery class before? no but I really want to!! 

18. Do your parents treat you like you’re still a child? sometimes yeah, but tbh its usually when I need to be treated like a child

19.Who is your significant other and how did you meet? non existent 

20. Do you talk to people out of the blue? not if I can avoid it

21. What was the last nightmare you had about? Anything odd? I dreamt I was at church and it was full of balloons and the kids knew im scared of balloons so they were running around me and throwing them at me. I know that doesnt sound like a nightmare but it still woke me up in a panic 🙈😂

22. Is your life basically based on deja vu? Or, not so much? yeah kinda, feels like it a lot 

23. When was the last time someone dumped you? never

24. Can you recall your eighth birthday? What was the cake? are you joking?! I cant recall the cake I had for my last birthday 

25. Do you feel like you’re losing someone close right now?  no

26. What color are the buttons on your remote? black

27. What is the one stereotype people label you as most? I think people think im rude or stuck up but actually im just stupidly shy 

28. Can you count how many lovers you’ve had on one hand? none

29. Do you like dark chocolate or white more? What about milk chocolate? milk is favourite, then dark then white 

30. Who makes you the most angry in your life right now? the UK government and the people complaining that they want a second referendum 

31. How many times have you seen Star Wars? Be honest. never

32. Can people normally tell your mood, by your facial expression? if they know me well then yes

33. What was the last number you pushed on your phone? I dont remember 

34. Do you like flowers? What’s your favorite kind? sunflowers

35. How many grades have you failed in your life? ive only ever failed one exam which caused me to fail the whole class because lifes not fail deal with it 

36. Do you own a car? What car is it? I do. its an orange smart forfour, the old shape not the new shit shape that looks like any other boring car 

37. What is your favorite show to watch on television? currently obsessed with Umbrella Academy

38. What are the initials of your last ex? havent got an ex

39. Are you someone who can easily keep a secret? yes

40. Do you understand algebra, or have you ever? nope nope nope 

41. Do you or have you ever had a problem with going barefoot? yeah I dont like it, I need at least socks on. I hate walking barefoot on grass or sand and I refuse to go in the sea without shoes because I got stung by a weaver fish when I was a kid

42. What is one thing that tends to freak you out? human interaction

43. Have you been swimming so far this year? How much? I have not 

44. Do you ever think you’re being cheated on? im single

45. When was the last time you painted something? a few weeks ago I was painting tiny dollhouse furniture 

[blckdtd]

"Train"

i had a crush on a college friend for like three years already... maybe longer than that. im writing this post because ive dreamt about him this morning. i tried to sleep again as i still want to continue that crazy dream since it was a bit beautiful. we were happy in that dream. but im not sure if because we are together as a couple or as something else.

i actually really like seeing him smile most of the time, thats why whenever we go home together i try to talk to him and make him laugh or smile as much as possible. but, being a funny person was not my best asset, so its always... awkward. it also fascinates me whenever we dont talk at all, or when his face is blank with unreadable emotion, though sometimes im having anxious thoughts that maybe he was annoyed on why do i kept talking and talking when he is clearly not interested. those moments taught me to shut my mouth most of the times.

but how did everything started? ill try to recall everything dont worry.

it was summer, and we were still freshman in college, group chats for sections in our department were already made and people were already having some clicks and groups. i also found our class' group chats, and while scrolling on the member's list, he was the first person i added on facebook since i noticed he was quite good looking (young me dumb me. always lookinh for the face. apologies). but i never messaged him personally on facebook.

first day came in, he was the first person i talked to actually since he was the person i first recognized. but, during freshman year, he was not my seasonal crush. had a crush on two person on different sememsters, one for each sememsters, but i dont think theres a need to elaborate on that i guess. maybe another time.

sophomore year is starting to come in. summer after fresh man year, i found out that the four of us will be in the same section, me, him, T, and A. the thing is, we actually belong in the same group of friends, we also have the gc (group chat). when i found out that the four of us are in the same class, i started to have some panic or thinking, that "oh shit. he is my classmate. this year. he ll be on the long list of my seasonal mandatory crush (i know. it sucks to have this mentality, like i cannot move forward to my life without having a crush on anyone or anything). i tried to avoid the feelings because he is quite a nice person. but it happened after that event.

swimming class, this was the first day i guess??? i cant remember. but i know it was the swimming class. the four of us were kinda huddled together since we dont rrally get alonv with everyone yet, and the instructor said to group ourselves in to two. to be honest, during the time, i quite sure o dont have the feelings for him yet. so me and him like automatically paired ourselves, since t and a automatically paired themselves. then he said "lets go there". then we grabbed each others hand, under the water. i can still remember that time because after that day, i did not exactly have it in mind, but the longer the time passes, the more i can remember, and im pretty sure he dont even remembered that day.

we hold hands under water and he lead the way. it was not the romantic type holding hands, the one where people actually intertwined their hands, it was just simple holding hands. then we let go, and started the routines we need to do.

being that im the fat one, i did feel how his hands are kinds bony since hes quite thin. and he is also lighter, i even believed that i could piggy back him if he ask me too. i know that he is lighter when our instructor ask us to do a simple floating where we simply lay flat on the water surface. it was fun knowing that he actually cant do that given that he is a really good swimmer and he is lighter too, but i can, a non good swimmer even if it could save my life. i almost like carried him in my arms to guide him how to float, thats how i found out he is light, but thats okay, i also liked that about him.

then one day, i woke up, i said to my self. "shit. im having a crush on him. this is not good". what i hate about this, is because i have the constant need to show off or have his attention or be in the same grouos or anything with him... like? we are already going home together cause we take tge same train or something, im so greedy, attention seeker, obsessed, annoying. i also chat him on facebook most of the time, like i always need to find a reason to talk to him or something. almost the whole year of second year college was me being a bother to him or something, and i just fully realized it now. and if ever for some reason you read this, yes, this is about you, and im really sorry for bothering you all these years thinking that you might, well, "reciprocate" the feelings, in short, sorry for being immature.

til this day, some parts of my heart, wished that there are times where he did enjoy our small talks on the train, or if he did enjoy having me as a "friend".

i can still remember how we talked about the girl you almost become girlfriend, about how you felt when one of our classmate gave you something on valentines day, how i fucked up and confessed of having feelings for you, and how we somehow remained as friends even after that day. i know you told our other friends that i confessed my feelings for you, thats why they started teasing me about it.

i missed you needing me to go somewhere sometimes because youre not much of a streetsmart or always forgets how to go some certain place. i remember how i said that you can rest your head on my shoulder when we were on the train on our way to one of our friends house to make a costume, how i lend my earphones to you so you can listen to some music even though i actually love listening to music, how you waited for me on train station even though i was late. we had a meet up.that day because you want to buy something that we found while looking for some naterials to make the costume, well you waited because you barely remember how to get there in the first place. not gonna lie, i was kinda happy how you waited for me on that station.

i can also remember how we talked throughout our jeepney ride on our way to the station, im sorry to say this, but during that day, i somehow had a hunch that you were just talking to me because i kinda led our way on how the two of us will get home, because you dont always talk to me in first place, ever since that day you knew, which i did understood, but i dont know why i still.stood my ground on seeking yoir attention. ha! but yes i can still remember how i take you to your station on your way home because you dont know your way, i got off of the train even though i could have just stayed and have my way home. it was fun though, and so foolish of me.

why am i even head over heels on you even after all this years? yes until now.

third year college, i promised my self that ill try to stop having feelings for you. but i didnt. but we were on that level where we just accepted that yeah i know that you know thatbinhave feelings for you but we will just be civil about it. we were kind of a pair tbh, you can use my phone whenever you want since that was the time when yiu dont have your own phone. you actually have more photos on that phone than me lol. we were in a civil state to the point we even became automatic pairs on an activity in botany class. we even became thesis groupmates. you probably had the most contribution on that thesis so i still thank you even till this day.

i also remembered when you asked me to come with you to get your birth certificate since you actually dont know how to get one, not gonna lie again, i was kinda having a moment back there since we were in the middle of thesis day, more like finishing it up, but you asked me to come with you. we travelled like for almost an hour for that, fell in line just to have your id photocopied, then i instructed you on which line you should take next, how to get this and that, then i waited for you, again. so we can also go back to the university. i had some realizations that day. on the lengths that my feelings for you drove me.

i also remembered how we went home together like we usually do after that earthquake since the station had a bit of crack on its foundation. but we went to separate ways you rode a jeepney on your way. i walked to mine.

one of the things that touched me was when you asked me about my favorite band, why did i liked them, and you somehow, had some small history, that you listened to them before or something.

but there are also those days where we dont even talked about anythibg at all. we just stayed silent. and bid our goodbyes and take cares. maybe those were your favorite days, just kidding.

im not trying to paint you as bad guy for not reciprocating or anything. im just remembering things, and i need to let them out.

it kinda sucks when i didnt saw you on the last day where we need to return our graduation gowns because i need to leave early that day because of an emergency family trip to the beach. just a celebration because i just graduated.

im sorry i still havent picked up your drawings that i said i will buy just to help you. because i had a job that time and you still havent because youre supposed to go to a medical school.

our company had a job opening but i was too shy to send the invite to you, idk why. i did tried to talk to you again just like a normal friend but, i know i cant. even while writing this, i can attest that im still not in the best condition to talk to you because i still... cant move on. this sucks.

there are parts of me that wished i didnt approached you on the first day of class. or maybe i shouldnt held your hand under water. or maybe... i shouldnt have just let this.feelings swallowed me.

i dreamed of you last night. but dont worry, nothinh sexual. i dreamed of holding your hand again. and seeing your smile. softly playing your hands until they were intertwined. it was a good dream. i wish i didnt woke up. but i need to.

your smile was so beautiful, i rarely saw them actually even after hundreds of train trips we had together. i loved the sound of your laugh actually that will soon give your smilling face. i can even remember your eyelashes they were so beautiful, though i hope you werent freaked out when i looked at you.

youre a beautiful person, your smart, you sometimes dark humor, you being lowkey gentleman, your creativity and artistry. everything about you.

to end this, i hope you know that it is not late to pursue your artistic passion or to go to a medical school. youre a brilliant person Eli, i hope you know that also. and i loved you, as person, as a friend, as someone who i went head over heels. right now, i do wish we meet again, but in a different time, but now, i only wish you happiness and success. thank you for being part of my life as a simple college student.

[lokbobpop]

Dream

Dream in Old English referred to auditory or emotional sensations experienced while awake; it's thanks to the influence of Old Norse that the word came to refer to the mental visions and sensations experienced during sleep instead. ... Dream is of course also a verb wherein one can dream, dream of, dream up, or dream on.

Dream d ream Dre am drea m

Writing dream

I have mostly had great dreams most of the time normal not much happens but i have the old one that stands out and i think wow whats all that about then

Reading dream

I have lucid dreamed a couple of times usually i wake up when I find im dreaming one time I remember flying when I woke up it was an amazing dream i love flying dreams

The second i woke up an demanded to see my grandad but all I saw was a mirror of myself ina room i was disappointed

As one day i did dream of my grandad in a dream he looked real alive like i know this to be not real now and just a program but i do hope i will see him again but he’s here now living somewhere here i know.

I had for 4 days i woke up and my body didnt wake up it was horrible i could only move my eyes my body was asleep the whole time and night after night this happened i dont know what it meant.

Another strange thing that freaked me out for 10 years was waking up with something on my back pushing me down i would go into great amounts of fear as i would feel something in the room like someone was there until one day i said ok let it happen bring it on and it did and i wasnt scared i was like yes i down care anymore you dont fear me and it stopped neve to happen again.

My nightmares when i had then as a kid would always be chased by someone this made me very fearful

Ive had dreams of an ex that pesters me continually it used to get me down but now i see i just uncovering my problem o had a lot of blame there and wanted revenge ive cover most parts but still have a few more to discover about this until it will be gone the same with my comparison im missing a few minor details

I dream to much of winning money its a big desire of mine i dream all day if i could dream that what i would do whos would help buy a new desteni

Lately i been having dreams that repeat over and over again i dont get the meaning they are so short just a couple of picture repeat like I cant get away from them ever last night it was desteni and living word diversity where i came up in a dream and i saw flat lands of of birds different birds and they was what i saw as it.

To have dreams of unrealistic things like grandeur of luxury wanting to look and be special as i see life as being this game i was meant to play but i was all wrong i fucked up it wasnt at all shit like what was i going to do I have to many wanted needs and desires i feel

Wet dream yes when i was a teenager mostly nothing really happen i just got really turned on i had a few in later life which was weird had one very weird made my stomach turn not sure why it happen but im sure there will be a reason for things i have done or been through in life it has all got its importance.

Dream lover so i dont have to dream at all some lyrics

It was a dream not real it never happen like watching a movie and it was only a dream never real.

Saying dream

The dream job you know the very few people on this planet who have the dream job i had one dream job that lasted a few months on a emu farm it was amazing i love it best job ever for me.

Dream on its never going to happen comes up like someone saying this to me about an idea i have but they are right it wont happen because i dont have what it takes to do it the dedication i see that now i was just expecting it to happen.

Ive dreamt that chris doesnt want name any more and the next day im angry at him and he’s like i didnt do anything lol so funny when you think about it he’s had them to he had one the other day that i wen tiff with his best friend at home lol.

Dreams of my pathways become hard or getting lost or doors wont open

I need to write them down i a;ways said i would but never have.

Sf

Does this definition support me no what a lots of stuff happy dreams sad dream weird dreams sex dream fearful dream mind awake body alseep dream the list goes on and on here for this word but what does it all mean what can i make of all this i think i need to the dream serie on eqafe and i might get some answers

Dream d realm

Dream

To have thoughts and pictures at night to see realize and understand them work them out

I will live this word with more investigations as i see that walking dreams on eqafe might be good place to start.

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.