#i dropped the idea of them not getting along because op party had that cute water slide scene

[baby-xemnas]

wonder if bepo likes chopper the most among strawhats not because he's a half animal too but because 1) chopper is a doctor those are by default more special people by association with law 2) chopper seems to show most respect towards law cuz hes such a good boy, so bepo is like the kid is alright

[blakelywintersfield]

Minors

Okay so, I originally wrote this in response to this post (my friend's reblog is linked instead of the original because OP either deleted it from their blog I guess?), but I feel like this constitutes as its own post.

I know this may sound like an overbearing parent "don't trust strangers on the internet" talk, but like. I don't think a lot of you understand just how quickly a situation can escalate; it's scary. I mean that not in a condescending "you think you're untouchable you stupid little child, you don't really know what the world is like" way either, but as in, I don't think internet safety is being taught realistically, so those things you're told to watch out for are far-fetched or already seem suspect.

Predators don't work the way TV shows joke that they do -- most predators aren't going to try and message you at random posing as a teenage girl and attempt to strike up a friendship. A lot interact in community spaces like tumblr, where some level of anonymity is allowed, and it's not odd for there to be people of both minor and adult ages. They interact with a variety of people -- not just targets. They will have full-fledged social circles. Their blogs and social interactions will look like literally any other person's on here.

Then, of the different blogs they follow, they end up interacting a lot with a certain user. Maybe the kind of humor clicks, or similar opinions, or interests. Nothing out of the ordinary; that's how people make friends. Maybe then they start by sending an ask, or a message, or whatever, and that continues for a bit until you two are kind of acclimated to one another, and then, as far as everyone is concerned, it's just a new friend! Neat! That's how you make friends on the internet. They most likely did this with their other friends on tumblr. Nothing weird. In this hypothetical, the minor party has their full name and city public.

But then this person you make friends with -- the way you would any other person on this website -- turns out to be 10+ years your senior. Which like. Honestly, you don't have to cut them out of your life and block them immediately, but you inform them you're 10 years younger than them. A responsible adult would respond to that knowledge with anything from the range of "oh holy shit you're baby uhh I feel a little weird interacting with you so personally" to "oh goodness you are a youngling I will now enter caregiver/parent-like mode". And there will be an established tone from there of "we may still interact but there is going to always be a set emotional distance". It'll have a different dynamic/feeling to the friendships you have with people your age. And it should. Both parties can still care about each other! But this isn't someone you would like. Hang out one on one with. You wouldn't hang out with your mom's friend one on one, or at your teacher's home alone. That'd be weird, right? That should be the same kind of vibe you get with any adult "friendship" you make online (I put friendship in quotes because I feel like... there's a better term for it, or should be one that establishes that adult/minor relationship, but if there is I can't for the life of me remember it).

But maybe that person doesn't go down that path. Maybe it comes off that way at first, but there's a subtle level of emotional manipulation that is subtle enough that you're not certain you can accuse them of being manipulative. "Oh wow, you're so much younger than me... do you still want to talk to me / be friends / etc.? I can leave you alone now if you want." Warning sign #1: they are pressuring you to make the decision; they are placing responsibility on you. And it might feel a little mean to just drop communication all of a sudden because of age -- you got along fine before. Why should that change anything? That's a rational thought process, but it's also the one that benefits them too.

So hypothetically, you say "no it's okay, we can still talk. we were talking just fine before we found out each other's ages so why should that change?" And then maybe the conversation continues normally from there. But then they continue interacting with you as your peers would. You guys talk about stuff that's been stressing you or your problems, just like you would with your peers. Nothing seems out of the ordinary. Warning sign #2: That form of emotional connection isn't normal with an adult/minor relationship. I have minors that follow me. They have talked to me about their problems, and I've offered advice and wisdom; I don't condemn that because, well. As adults, we should help guide the younger if asked. But when it comes to my troubles, I limit how much I discuss with them. I don't bring them up myself (it's often brought up by the other party because I'll post about it on here, like a vent post or whatever). And while I don't brush them off with a short "don't worry about it", I make it clear -- I appreciate that you care enough to make sure I'm okay (because their sympathy / care is just as valuable as an adult's), but even if I'm not okay, the burdens and problems surrounding my troubles will be dealt with by me. I don't ask them for advice. I don't goad them for sympathetic words. And it's not that I believe they couldn't give good advice, or their sympathy means less, but an adult should not be relying on a minor for those levels of emotional labor. That established emotional connection where both parties exchange advice and comfort is how predators manipulate their victims because it's subtle and seemingly harmless, and difficult to paint them as a bad person when you have that level of emotional trust.

And once that emotional connection is established, that's when things can escalate, and get scary, quickly.

One day while talking they will probably bring it up -- the way one of your peers would. Something along the lines of "hey can I tell you something?" or "there's something I want to tell you but I'm afraid you won't want to talk to me anymore if I do" etc. etc.; with that peer/peer dynamic, that'll make you anxious, sure. You'd probably get anxious if they were your own age and said that too. So then, it comes out in some form that "I like you, but like... as more than a friend" or "I think you're really cute; I have for a bit now actually" or something similar. Obviously then it's uncomfortable.

But then you realize -- this is an adult. This is someone who has access to transportation. This is someone that doesn't have to report to someone (i.e. a minor can't just say "I'm going out of town for a week bye!" like your parents would, or SHOULD, be like "uh okay where are you going, who are you going to be with, why, etc. etc. etc."). And they know your full name and a general idea of where you live. You could just block them then and there and remove that information from your blog. But what if they already saved it? What if they already used one of those websites where you can look up a person's address by name for $5? What if they already know where you live, and they had planned on asking to meet up? They might know where you live. And you can't confirm or deny that they know. You can't say for sure if you removed that information before they saved it and used it for that purpose. Suddenly, there's the very real possibility that a pedophile that admitted to being attracted to you knows where you live.

Then what do you do? You should tell your parents or a trusted authority figure. But you're also a teenager and there's the likelihood that your parents might brush it off, or get angry with you, and you might get your internet taken away, etc., which is stressful because that takes away a major social area. To build upon the anxiety with that, there's the risk of unknowing if this person does know where you live, and if they do, if they are just unstable enough to do something drastic, like, y'know. Kidnap you. Because they know where you live. And they may know your school schedule too. And if your parents or trusted authority figure doesn't know about this situation, you may end up a missing child never found at worst, or found with far more trauma (5 years of life being kidnapped as opposed to a few months) that could've been avoided had someone known the situation.

But to 100% ensure your safety, it would have to be reported to the police. Because your parents can't do anything about the fact that a pedophile on the internet might know where you live. They can't confirm or deny that they know, and if they did, there's not much they can do other than keep an eye out for someone that looks out of the ordinary. But if they're most likely not home at the same time you are all the time. So, having the police involved ensures your safety -- if you open a case. You can report it to the police, and they'll ask: do you want to press charges (because it could be considered a form of child endangerment). If you say no, then that guarantees if you are kidnapped, that person would be the first they'd look to as a suspect. But to avoid that kidnapping risk at all, you'd have to say yes. And you're a kid that's now having to get involved in court just to avoid any risk to your safety because a pedophile may or may not have your address and may or may not be someone that would abduct their target, and so even if they didn't have your address and wouldn't kidnap you, you are now in a legal situation, which is. extremely. stressful. As someone's who's dealt with the court system a lot it's stressful no matter what.

And sure, you could omit the last step. But then you'll have that looming anxiety for as long as you're a minor that there is a possibility this person may show up at your house at some point. And that anxiety is fucking torture. I know it firsthand, I know all of this up to the legal portion firsthand, because this is exactly how I got tangled up with a pedophile in high school. That anxiety can make you paranoid. It impacts your sleep, which impacts your emotional tolerance and your concentration. It looms and there's nothing you can do to get rid of it other than convince yourself "they probably don't have my address; they probably won't find me". And that logic becomes sounder as time passes. But it requires time to pass, and in the meantime, you sit in constant suffering suspense.

It's just not fucking worth it, okay? You might think "this would never happen to me" but like. I was the fat emo weirdo in high school, literally considered attractive by no one and told so by peers and I still had it happen to me. So don't think "I'm not appealing enough" or whatever. Put self-esteem issues aside here, because to them, you're underage and at a power dynamic disadvantage not just physically, but most likely emotionally too. They care that you're a certain (under)age and can be manipulated into sexual acts. They will target you no matter how ugly you think you are or how unattractive your peers have convinced you.

So please. As an adult, that went through this situation (and could've had it turn out a lot worse tbh) -- do not disclose your real name (especially last names), location more specific than country, phone number, or school publicly online or to anyone you cannot 100% trust. I practice half of these in adulthood just to err on the side of caution since a full name and phone number alone could be used to find my address, and there are some preeeeetty unstable people out there. As a minor, absolutely no one needs any information unless you plan on meeting them in person, which should only be done after you've gotten to know them extremely well and both parties' parents know and are involved. It doesn't need to be on your public profile, and it shouldn't be on your public profile. I want your social media experience to be as enjoyable as possible, I don't want you feeling like you have to constantly keep an eye out for predators. But to keep yourself as safe as possible, don't purposefully make that information public. It's simple, but it’ll help you avoid so much potential stress.

Please stay safe.

[tuiccim]

Santi (Part 8)

Pairing: Bucky X Reader

Words: 3103

Warnings: Angst, violence, language

Trigger warning: Violence

Summary: The Caruso Op continues. 

Santi Masterlist

Day 101

Everything was set. Vision was driving you and the cargo in the SUV to the meeting place. You pulled into the warehouse in Brooklyn you had previously scoped out and smoothly exited the car. Vincent was there waiting with his bodyguards and a few other people to take the cargo. 

“Vincent.” You smile. 

“Eve, is this everything?” VIncent asks.

“Your entire list, as promised. Did you doubt me?” You smirk.

“Of course not, darling.” Vincent says smoothly.

You spend the next 20 minutes going over the cargo and discussing future needs and shipments. When Vincent seems satisfied with everything he nods to the others. 

“I have a gift for you in the office here. Will you join me for a drink?”

“A gift?” You say suspiciously. 

“For our reunion.” Vincent smiles devilishly at you. 

You look to Vision who immediately joins you, but Vincent turns back. “Leave the shadow. I’ll leave the guards. Just the two of us.”

You can feel something is off. Everyone is tense, which is normal in a deal, but there’s something different about Vincent and you can’t quite pull the emotion out that is making things feel strange. Knowing you can handle Vincent alone you decide to take the chance and follow him. Vision is obviously unhappy with the decision but he lets you go. You walk into the dim office with an old metal desk and little else in the room. The door closes suddenly behind you and that’s when you feel the needle in your neck. 

You wake up what was only 20-30 minutes later. Your healing ability metabolizing the drug more quickly than average. You are in the backseat of Vincent’s SUV with hands cuffed behind your back. You moan as you are coming to and realize your surroundings. 

“Awake already?” Vincents snarks. 

“The fuck did you do, Vincent?” You try to sound forceful but it comes out slurred. The effects of the drugs still in your system. 

“I have some bad news. I’m afraid your shadow is no more. My guards are dispatching him as we speak. You did say one lover at a time so I felt the need to rid us of him.”

You chuckle, “I doubt your guards can handle, V. He’s more than he seems.”

“5 to 1. I like my odds.” Vincent looks at you. 

“Where are we going and why am I handcuffed?” You say.

“Someplace private. And it’s the first step in breaking you. I’m the one in control.” Vincent says.

“You think.” You know now that Vincents ‘never say never’ comment at the party had been a threat. His obsession had been rekindled and this time he had decided he would have you no matter what.

“I know. You are mine now, Eve. I’ll prove it to you.” He slides a hand to your thigh and rubs. “You’ll see, darling.” 

You jerk your leg away from him and he chuckles. Looking outside you stare at your surroundings and realize you are no longer in Brooklyn. You assumed you were headed to the loft in the meatpacking district when you see the car is going the opposite direction. Away from everything you had shown Vision and Sam. A little panic begins to form as you realize they have no idea where you are being taken. You reach out to feel Vincent’s emotions but the drug in your system is making it difficult. Your head is pounding so you decide to just lay your head against the window and watch. You hoped Vision was okay. The ride lasts nearly another hour before you arrive at a beautiful house with extensive grounds. The car door opens and you feel another sting in your neck. 

This time you wake up with a start. Something is being held under your nose. You shake your head to get away from the acrid smell. 

“That’s it. Wake up, Eve. It’s time to play.” Vincent's voice is delighted. 

You come awake but still feel sluggish. It takes you a second to realize you’re tied to a metal rack. Wrists are tied by your head and ankles tied to the bottom. Thankfully, you’re still fully dressed. The room is windowless and full of different weapons and equipment. This makes you more fully awake. “Enough, Vincent. Unchain me. This is not how it works.”

“So naive. You think all submissives actually start off wanting it?” Vincent says darkly. 

“If you touch me again, you will die today.” You say.

Vincent slaps you across the face. “Speak when told.”

You laugh at him knowing you can’t let him break you. The longer you hold out against him the better chance he wouldn’t… He needed you to be submissive and there was no way in hell you were gonna break. “That’s cute, Vinny. You think I’ll actually listen to you.”

“Don’t call me that. You will. I think you are wearing too many clothes.” Vincent picks a knife up. 

You simply stare at him with dead eyes. He takes the knife and slides it under the buttons of your blouse and pops them off. You never break eye contact with him. When the last button pops off he rips the blouse open. “Look at you. So pretty.” He slides the knife along your skin. 

“I’m going to mark you. I think I’ll carve my initials right next to your bullet wounds.” He looks down for the scar and your heart accelerates. You hadn’t bothered with the fake scar as trust had been reestablished. Vincent stares hard at your stomach where they had been before reaching for the waistband of your skirt to pull it down further. 

“Where are they?” He stares at you in disbelief. You just stare at him. Not saying anything. “Where are they?” he repeats more loudly and presses the knife into your skin where they should be. Your face twitches at the sting from the knife and he scrapes the blade across your skin raising a thin line that beads with drops of blood. You try to remain calm but the terror begins in the pit of your stomach. Vincent is about to realize what you are. You can already feel your skin knitting back together and his face is staring at the line as it is quickly disappearing. “What the fuck?” He says as he watches and then his eyes snap up to yours. There is pure glee in his face and you feel panic begin to rise in you. “You’re one of those! How far does your healing ability go, Eve? Secretive girl.”

You say nothing. 

“Let’s test it out.” He makes a deeper stripe across your stomach and you keep your poker face on as best you can. He watches as the line recedes again and then rips a piece of your shirt off to wipe away the blood revealing the smooth skin underneath. Then he plunges the knife into your stomach fully and you grunt at the pain. He pulls it out and watches again as your skin repairs itself. He repeats the action eliciting another grunt and smiles at you wickedly, “You still feel all the pain, don’t you? I can hurt you and hurt you and you’ll never have a mark on you. You really are the perfect woman.” He laughs sickly as he plunges the knife in again. 

“Where the fuck is she, Sam? Bucky is near out of his mind as the team scrambles to find you. 

“Redwing lost them in the trees covering the road. We’ll find her. There are only two ways they could have gone. I’ve got another asset that was following her but he hasn’t checked in.”

“I’m gonna kill this bastard.” Bucky fumes.

Sam’s cell phone starts ringing and he picks up. ”Nate, man, where the hell ya been? Do you have her?” Bucky is looming over Sam. 

The voice over the line is breaking up, “Sam, got shit reception out here. They’re in a huge house. No way to get in there without being noticed and he’s got several guards on the ground.”

“I’ve got his location.” Natasha says behind Sam. 

“Let’s go.” Bucky bellows at everyone Vision puts a hand on his shoulder to reassure him. The quinjet is already heading the right direction. 

You are panting from the pain. Vincent has stabbed you a dozen times and your skirt is drenched in blood. He was reveling in the pain it was causing you but was also angry because you wouldn’t scream. 

“Scream for me once, Eve. Then I’ll give you a break. Just one scream.” He plunges the knife in again. 

You hold in any sound. You can’t let him win. Once you catch your breath, you laugh. “Told ya, Vinny. I don’t break.”

“Bitch!” He screams and slaps you again. You just laugh maniacally hoping to unnerve him more. Between the drug still in your system and the pain, you can’t concentrate well enough to use your telepathy. 

Vincent is suddenly calmer and your stomach clenches. “Let’s test something out. You heal, but can you grow back appendages?”

Shit. This was going to hurt. You had lost a toe once before and it had grown back but you’d never cared to test the limitations of the ability. He grabs your hand and then you hear the shots firing. Vincent looks towards the door. 

“Ready to die?” You say. 

Vincent picks up his gun and points it at your head. “We die together, Eve. Don’t worry.” He grins malevolently. 

The door is kicked in and Steve and Bucky freeze seeing the gun pointed at your head. 

“The Avengers. How interesting. I should have guessed with your abilities, Eve.” Vincent says before addressing Steve and Bucky, “Can she survive a head shot?” He grins.

“Shoot him.” You enunciate clearly and Vincent brings the barrel of the gun closer to your head. 

“Lower the gun.” Steve says. 

“I don’t think so. I’ll take her with me.” Vincent turns back to look at you and you wrench your head as far away from the gun as you can but the bullet still hits the right side of your forehead. Vincent drops to the floor dead from Bucky’s shot. Bucky runs to you immediately. You’re slumped over and not moving.

“Doll, doll, wake up.” He picks your head up to see the bullet hole in your forehead. “NO! NO! SANTI! Wake up, baby. WAKE UP, WAKE UP!” Bucky drops to his knees and screams. His jeans become stained with your blood that covers the floor. The rest of the team stand in the doorway taking in the scene before them. 

Steve comes up behind Bucky and tries to pick him up. “Come on, Bucky. Come on, man. Let me get you out of here.”

Suddenly a small tink is heard and Bucky sees a bullet drop into the pool of blood. He looks up sharply and sees your head move slightly. 

“Owwwww…” You say as a massive headache reverberates through your head. 

“Santi!” Bucky is up in an instant and cradles your face.

“Vis?” You slur. Everything feels strange and you can’t seem to get your words out.

“He’s here. He’s okay. Help me get her out of this.” Bucky says. 

Within a few minutes Bucky is carrying you to the quinjet. Natasha and Steve are checking you over for injuries which you find slightly ludicrous. You are exhausted and just want to sleep. Bucky keeps you cradled in his arms in the quinjet whispering to you, “You’re okay, doll. I’ve got you. Never letting you go again.” 

“Bucky,” you curl your fingers into his shirt. 

“Shhh, you don't need to talk. I’m gonna take care of you, baby.” Bucky reassures. 

You can’t hold out any longer and pass out. 

Day 102

You wake in the medbay of the tower and slowly look around. A monitor next to you shows your vitals. You see Bucky talking to one of the doctors. He turns to look at you and you lock eyes. He rushes to your side, “Doll, you’re awake.”

"Bucky." You reach out for him and he takes you in his arms. “Is everyone okay?”

“Yeah. Everyone’s fine. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. How long was I out for?”

“It’s been almost 14 hours.” Dr. Miles says as she walks in. 

“Hey Doc.” You say to your usual doctor. Despite your healing abilities you are still required to have regular check ups with the medical staff. 

“How are you feeling?” Dr. Miles asks. 

You look at Bucky’s face. His arms are still around you. “I’m fine. Nothing feels off. When can I get out of here?”

“All your labs are normal. I want to monitor your vitals and keep you for another hour or two.” 

You groan, “Really, Doc?”

“Let her do her job, Doll.” Bucky says kissing the top of your head. 

She performs a cognitive and neurological exam. 

“Can you tell me what exactly happened? I need to do a full report of your injuries.” Dr. Miles says. 

“Bucky, can you give us a minute?” You look at him. 

“Sorry, Doll. Not letting you go. I need to hear it, too.”

“No, I… Buck.” One look in his stern face told you he wasn’t going anywhere. “Okay. Two slices across my abdomen. Around 20 or so full seated stabs to the abdomen. Bullet to the head.” You get a far away look in your eye. “Bullet to the head. I survived it.” A hand flies to your forehead. 

“You did and without any lasting damage it would seem. We did a cat scan while you were out and everything looks the same as the one we did six months ago.” Dr. Miles gives you both a smile and walks out. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you had to hear that. I’m sorry you had to see it. Sorry you had to do that.” You whisper to Bucky, pulling him tighter against you. 

“I would do it all over again to keep you safe. You never have to worry about him again.” Bucky holds you tight. “I’m just so damn glad you’re safe. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Several hours later, you’ve been released from medbay, showered, spent some quality time with Bucky, and are now joining the team for dinner. When you walk into the room, your eyes immediately go to Vision. Letting go of Bucky’s hand, you rush to hug Vision. 

“I’m so glad you’re okay!” You say as he returns your embrace. 

“I’m glad you’re okay, too.” Vision says. You put your hands up to his face and look at him for a minute. 

“I’m glad to see you, Vision.” You smile at him in his normal form. You move to Wanda and hug her fiercely. “Thank you. Without him… Thank you.”

“We’re a team. We will always look out for each other.” Wanda says.

You make your way around the room hugging everyone. You hear the elevator and see Sam step off of it with another man. He was wearing a cap and his head was down, but when he looked up at you a minute later you recognized him immediately. 

“Nate?” you say in disbelief. 

“Nate’s an old buddy. Pulled him in since he’s not a recognizable face. You did good, man.” Sam smiles at him. 

“Hi, Agent Delarosa. Nathaniel Spencer, at your service.” He holds a hand out to you. 

You shake it, “I take it you were how they found me.”

“Yeah, I was following. Sam wanted an extra set of eyes on you just in case.” Nate smiles.

“Thank you, Nate.” You smile at him and unable to contain yourself you step forward and hug him. “Thank you.”

Nate laughs, “Yeah. So, you’re not as mean as I remember.”

A laugh bubbles up, “I hope not.” You turn to Sam and pull him into a hug. “Thank you, Sam.” 

“You got it, Santi.” Sam squeezes you.

“Okay, okay. Enough, Birdbrain.” Bucky says pulling you into his arms.

“I can’t help it if she’s grateful to me.” Sam smirks at Bucky. 

“I’m grateful to all of you. I’m just sorry we didn’t complete the mission and find out who was being supplied. I didn’t realize how obsessed…” you trail off. 

“You couldn’t know what he’d do, doll. You and Vision made it out alive. That’s all that matters.” Bucky says. 

“I, for one, am both glad and jealous that you can apparently survive a headshot.” Natasha says. 

Steve clears his throat, “I’m just glad we’re all back together. You need to take it easy for a bit though, Santi. Doctors orders. No mission for at least six weeks.”

“I know, Steve. Doc told me.” You smile at him. “Let’s eat. I’m starving!”

After dinner you asked to speak to Steve and Sam alone. Of course, that meant Bucky too. He hadn’t left your side since you woke up. 

“Fury?” You asked simply. 

“His only concern was getting you back. He knew Caruso was dangerous and unstable. No one could have predicted that he would do that.” Steve says.

“Figuring out who he was supplying for was the goal and now we’re back at square one.” You frown.

“Not exactly.” Sam says.

“What do you mean?” 

“That house was a treasure trove of intel. It wasn’t on anyone’s radar. SHIELD got several leads to follow from it.” Sam says.

“So, it wasn’t a total bust?” Relief floods through you. 

“No. SHIELD will be chasing everything down. Caruso had several links to HYDRA.” Steve says.

“It’s out of our hands now.” Bucky puts his arms around you. “You did more than enough.”

You lean into his touch. “Okay. We’re gonna call it an early night, guys.”

“Night.” Sam says. 

“Night, Santi. Night, Buck. Get some rest.”

You lay on your side facing Bucky, studying each beautiful feature of his face. He is doing the same. His eyes keep wandering to a certain spot on your forehead. Your heart broke a little every time they did. Knowing the agony he must have been put through. 

“I’m so sorry.” You whisper with tears in your eyes. A sentiment you had repeated several times since waking up in the medbay.

“We’ve been over this. Not your doing, doll.” Bucky cups your cheek. 

“I just…” You start sobbing again. It felt like the hundredth time you had that day. Everything replayed in your mind again and again. Bucky pulled you into his arms and held you. The mission was over but the effects had a hold on you. The damage Eve always left in her wake.

Part 9

[datingintampafails]

Chapter 15: Aaron*

After Roger*, I don’t completely leave the app game, but I don’t go on any dates. I talk to a couple guys for a short bit, but nothing really sticks. One guy is kind of creepy, and even drops the “love” bomb on me, and I straight up yikes him. 

I knew when I matched with Aaron* and saw “Conservative” listed on his Bumble profile, that it was not going to work out. However, I was still coming off my fucking with people state, despite this now being the end of June, almost a month after my last date, that had been with Roger*. However, he is a nice looking, all-American looking man. Blonde hair, blue eyes, decently tall, fit but not overly buff, also does jiu-jitsu, so I say fuck it let’s see what happens. 

I even started my first message to him about this: “oh shoot you’re conservative” he asks if that is a problem, which I respond with “depends.” He asks what it depends on, and I say “if you own a maga hat.” He comes back with “Am I in more trouble if I own 2?”

Why would a person need two MAGA hats? I don’t know. This is something I will never know, and I’m okay with that information. He jokes about us both being able to wear one. I say definitely not. He asks why. I explain my DJT sentiments, “He’s constantly running his mouth when he shouldn’t/he has no chill. He’s terrible to women. His interests are biased to benefit businesses/his rich buddies and not the people.” 

Expecting him to debate with me with some bullshit, instead, he says I have fair criticism and agrees with my first point. We talk more politics, I say the party system itself sucks, which he admits he thinks we are closer politically than he thought. He purposely changes the subject, with the all wonderful “what are you looking for on here?” question. Blah blah blah.

He said he says I have a good plan and he “matched with [me] cause [I’m] cute and seemed like [I’d] be fun to play some vidya with.” We then talk games and systems for a bit. He asks me for my Snapchat username, then our conversations continue strictly on there for the foreseeable future. He mentions something about feeding his dogs raw chicken, and due to my job working in veterinary medicine, I let him know that isn’t a good idea. He tries to mansplain me, and I clap back, saying that whereas raw red meat is fine for them, raw chicken isn’t and I’ve seen a lot of dogs get sick. He thanks me for the information and drops it. I respect how he backs off and listens.

We set up a date for a Wednesday, but then the day of, I get some news that my coworker I work closely with at one of my jobs, may have contracted coronavirus. I let him know that I don’t want to risk it, just in case I may have gotten it. Instead, I suggest we do a video chat instead. 

Video chat actually ends up being pretty fun and is a nice way to get to know each other without going out out. He has two dogs and I get to see them. He mentions that he played World of Warcraft and I’m surprised. He looks more like a pretty boy type and not nerdy like that, despite us talking about other video games previously. I then suggest we play some video games together for the rest of the night. We even add each other on discord/Battlenet (Blizzard Games) and play Heroes of the Storms together. He and I actually work very well as a team and opt to play a character together which requires complete teamwork as you share a body with different powers. It’s a difficult character to play, so normally I don’t play it, even with my friends. This gives me a glimmer of, hey maybe I could make this work: naive. 

I decide one day I should ask some non-superficial questions to get to know if the MAGA thing is something I can ignore for better qualities. I ask him about his goals and his future.

He mentions he wants to own a lot of land and grow his own food, have some cows. So basically he wants to be a farmer? Definitely not a life I could see myself in. I mention as well that my future doesn’t involve kids. He says he definitely would want to have kids. 

I ask him why he feels the need to have children. He simply says, “Idk it’s just what you do.” TO which, I intelligently let him know, “just because it’s what you do, doesn’t mean it’s what YOU do.” Essentially, fuck societal rules, live your life as your own. He sticks to his guns, which are his rights. I kinda just remove myself from the conversation as it doesn’t go anywhere. 

At the same time, I’m also chatting with another guy. This guy is way more compatible personality-wise, but he isn’t really physically attractive to me. I feel bad as I am practically stringing him along. I even had a video chat date with him around the same time as Aaron*, but whereas he is nice, I don’t see him as a romantic prospect, which makes me more confused. 

Despite our conversation that would seem like an end-all for the relationship continuing, Aaron* continues to send me Snapchats, which are nice eye candy. He goes to the gym and would send me pictures of him in the sauna, ie shirtless pictures. He asks me out again, and I confirm that he is still interested. He asks fairly if he has indicated in any way that he was no longer interested. Also adds he wants to see where things go and at least give it a shot and is willing to risk the possibility of my coronavirus exposure. Fair enough. 

We reschedule essentially the date we were gonna have earlier that week, going to the same Greek restaurant. I get there first and wait in my car. Somehow I am not paying attention when he arrives, and he says he is there but doesn’t see me inside. So I walk up to him in the restaurant and give him a hug. He is the only one there, so it is easy to spot him. We share a platter of hummus and veggies, just talk, and have a good time. I get a sense, as I did during the video chat as well, that he is more introverted than I am and on the quieter side. The restaurant is closing for the day, and we are done eating, so we head out. Walking to our cars, he asks if I wanna come over and meet his dogs since he lives ten minutes away. I agree. 

I half follow google maps with the address he gives me, half just follow him. Jokingly when we arrive and we start to walk in, I ask him if he’s going to murder me. He laughs and says no. As I add “not this time at least.” 

I get to meet his dogs, one is definitely a wild child. We play Super Smash Bros on his Switch, and after only winning one round and getting obliterated otherwise, I ask if we can play something more co-op. We bring out Mario Party but are kind of confused about how anything works. Instead, we opt to just watch a movie instead. We cuddle and watch Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

At the end of the movie, it is late and I say that I’m gonna head out. He walks me to our car and we kiss goodnight a couple of times. Unfortunately for me, I was happy to kiss him goodnight. I do ask him that he actually give me his number, though he had given me a similar story like Darren*, saying his service isn’t good and he chats primarily via Snapchat. 

We talk some more and set up another date. I invite him over for dinner. When he arrives he tries to kiss me at his car side when I greet him which catches me off guard. I’m not huge into PDA so I don’t really know what to do. He seems fine when I instead give him a kiss hello when we get inside. I make the food and all seems good. He gets along with my dog very well and they’re having fun. We eat our food then decide to go to the couch to watch a movie. We settle on Toy Story 4 as I determine that he should see it since he hasn’t. During the movie, he initiates kissing a few times. At some point though, it gets a little more heated as kissing becomes a true makeout session, and he lays me down on the couch. His kisses are a little more hungry, and honestly, I’m not super into his style and feel more like I’m just kind of there. I stop him and say “can w talk about something really quick?” I can tell that he is trying to lead up to things, and given the fact that we are on very different paths for the future, though it would be a good time to discuss where we are at. I pause the movie officially. I say I like him and ask him what his realistic expectations for us would be. He says that given our opposite feelings towards children, that “well we wouldn’t get married, but I definitely want whatever is the next step under that. Until I’m ready for something more serious with a person that would want kids” I simply respond that I am looking for something that would be potentially more serious, and don’t think we want the same things. I make a joke about him not wanting to get married, and that I already have the venue picked out, Sabrina has a flower girl dress, etc. Just to lighten the mood. He laughs and we continue watching the movies.

At the end of the movie he again initiates kissing me. I’m confused, I thought we had essentially ended whatever was going on via our conversation. He then just asks me, “hey would you want to fool around a little before I leave?” Again, given the conversation we had just had, I don’t think this man really understands where I am at. “No, I don’t really wanna do that now,” I say to him. We watch some short skits and then I say it’s probably time for him to go. I ask that he lets me know when he gets back home. 

We video game together a couple more times, he sends me more shirtless pics, I just kind of ignore him/don’t respond as much, as especially after his reaction of trying to sleep with me, I am officially no longer interested.

We went from #1 best Snapchat friends with a 12-day streak to nada, but oh well. He still looks at my stories sometimes but never initiates contact. I wish him the best and hope he gets what he wants.

[sapphiresea]

ECCC – The Wayhaught Experience

Hey guys! So a couple people asked that I write about my experience at Emerald City Comic Con, and I did! It’s a bit long, so it’s below a cut because I had a lot to say, but I also trimmed it down a bit for better fit. (Pictures included.)

Now, let me start by saying my plan for the weekend was really simple. I was getting Dom and Kat to each sign my group photo from last year, and on top of that, I was getting another autograph from Dom to use as my tattoo – asking her specifically to write “I’m here and I stay” for me. Then, I was going to get a selfie with each and a duo photo op. Yeah. Let’s not talk about how much extra money I dropped because I decided they were too amazing and wanted to capitalize on this convention as much as possible. But also, I definitely do not regret it.

So once I got my ticket, I headed straight to the building where they had autographs, photo ops, and main stage panels. Although her line was longer, I decided to see Dom first, then Kat, during their first autograph session of the con.

I wasn’t too far back in Dom’s line, which was cool, and it felt pretty fast to get to see her, even though she was chatting with everyone. Two people in front of me were trying to get a selfie and Dom was holding out the camera trying to position it so they were all in frame and it looked like a major struggle bus for someone short, so I offered to help. She immediately thrust the phone at me and very politely agreed and thanked me. So when I got to the front, she was like, “Hello again!”

She was confused by the instruction of her manager for what I wanted for the tattoo, but as soon as I said it, she knew immediately what I meant. She pulled a multicolor pen from her fanny pack, clicked the blue and said she would write it a couple of times to make sure I had what I wanted. The second time was perfect, though. I told her that last summer had been particularly hard and that I had lost a lot of people I cared about, and that Jolene had really helped me to get through some of those nights, and got me to five years clean (which received a “wow” from her). I said that listening to her talk about anxiety in the Black Badge podcast had very much helped inspire me to send in my grad school applications and that I had just been accepted into all the schools to which I applied, and she was really impressed. I can’t remember exactly what she said, but I do remember her saying, “Isn’t it amazing? You’re so afraid of doing something and there’s no reason for it! You got into every school!” She asked where I was planning to go, so I told her I picked York University in Toronto and she said that was awesome and “right around the corner from Kat!” She also asked what I was studying, so I told her quant psych/statistics, and I don’t think she connected as much with that, but she was still very sweet about it. I thanked her and got a really cute selfie before moving on to meet with Kat. 

Kat was a completely different energy altogether! Dom was very mellow and sweet, like she really lives up to that hippie vibe, but Kat was much more intense, full eye contact, leaning forward, asking a bunch of questions.

I got up to her pretty quickly, as the lines weren’t long so early on Friday. I was having her sign my group photo from last year’s Calgary Comic Expo and she recognized it immediately and asked if that’s where I’m from. She was very excited when I said, “yes.” I said I had just flown in that morning before coming and that I was living off about 45 minutes of sleep. She was like, “Oh, so you’re here, but you’re like, I’M HERE BUT I’M A LITTLE BIT CRAZY!?” Which…yeah, pretty much! 

I told her I was excited just to be there, though, because the trip was a graduation present and a celebration because I got into every grad school to which I applied. She was stunned and congratulated me and I replied that it was really cool because it was a highly competitive program and I didn’t think I would get in at all. She asked what I study and I told her quant psych, and that there’s only four schools in Canada that have that program and most only have a couple spots each per year. Her eyes went huge and she congratulated me again. She said she was sure I’d make the right choice of where to go, and when I said I had just accepted the offer from York, she asked if I meant the one in Toronto and was stoked when I said “yes.” She told me York was an amazing school and I would absolutely love it. She added that she had considered York for undergrad because they had a theater program there, and then had almost gone there for an MBA when she didn’t think acting would work out. I told her my best friend had just gotten her MBA from there and she was like, “See!? It’s an amazing school!” and started talking up Toronto and how much I would love it. That made me pretty jazzed, really. We actually ended up talking much more than I thought before taking two selfies (they’re pretty similar, so I only included my favorite) and I had to run for a photo op unrelated to Wynonna Earp.

Right, so…Here is where the impulsivity of con life kicked in. And let me start this by saying: I did a great job at not blowing a ton of money on impulse buys for stuff. So what I spent here was almost kinda-sorta balanced, maybe? Don’t overthink it. I bought individual photo ops for Dom on Friday and Kat on Sunday.

I met this guy, David, in line for Dom’s photos, and we were chatting the whole time. He was really fun, and we ended up hanging out after. Anyway, it came up that I didn’t have a ticket for Saturday’s show and his son wasn’t going to be using his. He offered to let me buy it off of him and was able to get it for me before the end of the day! Amazing. And as it turned out, Saturday was an incredible day, as well, so I am immensely grateful that I didn’t end up missing it.

Here’s my photo op individual with Dominique. We don’t get a lot of chance to really talk during photo ops, but of course I asked for my usual funny faces, and when we were done, she joked that she’s certain that it was going to turn out really sexy. She was right. 

I changed my Sunday photo ops with Kat to be Saturday photo ops. I had chosen to wear a jacket I found a few months ago that was the same Waverly wore in season 2, and when I walked in, Kat exclaimed, “That looks familiar! Was it on the show?” I replied, “Yeah! Waverly had it.” And she was like, “Oh, Waverly had it! I remember that.”

I brought along fake moustaches to go along with her #SolidarityInStaches posts, and I didn’t even have to ask before she was like, “Can I pick whichever one?” Of course, yes, and she took the pink one. I picked a curly black one and pocketed the rest. She peeled off the sticker back to stick it to her face and gave a hilariously serious pose, while I just held mine up. As I left, she asked if she could keep it, and I said, “Definitely!”

I met up with my friend, Carole, after the live stage interview, and she was about to go see Dom and Kat again and in case no one’s picked up on a pattern yet, I’m weak, so I was like, “Cool, I’ll go have them sign my individual photo ops!” Plus, Kat was selling that photo of her and Bernie that was donating all of the proceeds went to Soi Dog, which is a great organization, so I decided to get an autograph for my best friend, who I got into Earper life a few months ago, who loves Kat.

This time, I saw Kat first, and I told her all about the friend she was signing for, because she recognized immediately that my name was not ‘Catherine.’ I told her I had tried for ages to get my friend into it and lure her in with great representation and storylines and humor… Finally I remembered a very important fact about my friend: her weakness is hot redheads. So I texted her a photo of Nicole and said, “Did I mention there’s a hot redhead lesbian?” and she immediately jumped at it. Kat thought that was hilarious and said my friend sounds awesome.

Since she was still signing, I spoke with her a bit about Pooched and she was so excited that I had watched the trailer and the live stream and enjoyed it. You can really tell how passionate she is about that project, and honestly guys, if you haven’t yet, you definitely should watch. I joked that my friends and I don’t have dogs, but we do treat our cats like that. She asked if my friends had ever thrown a birthday party for their cats and I told her I have one friend who did. I added that we’re honors students, which means we present almost every week in class and she will work her cat into every presentation. Sometimes it’s really creative. That really amused her. 

She also mentioned that she loved the moustache photo we had taken and that she had kept the pink moustache and was planning to take a picture with it later. I have no idea if she really will or if she’s lost it or anything, but I was just happy that she enjoyed it! I told her I had found a box of fake moustaches randomly in my room and she was like, “Do you know why you had them?” and I said, “I just know my mom bought them for me years ago and they were just sitting there until you started your moustache thing!” She said it was meant to be, or something like that.

Dom’s table was completely empty when I was done with Kat, so I hopped right over there. As I was paying for autographs, she noticed immediately the outfit I was wearing and exclaimed, “You’re wearing the Waverly shirt!” I replied that I had thrifted it, too, which she thought was great. As she started to sign, I told her my name is Steph because she hadn’t had it written down yet, and the volunteer asked if it was a P-H or F-F and I said, P-H, which prompted Dom to sing the spelling of my name in a cute little tune of S-T-E-P-H. It was really adorable.

I asked if it was strange coming back to North America after so long in Brazil, and she said it was, especially since she had been in the amazon with tribes and small towns, which was extremely different from anything like this, but that it was nice to be back, too. She talked a little about the importance of travel, and that she would really recommend seeing Brazil, because it’s a whole other viewpoint and understanding of ways of doing things. 

We started talking a bit about Start the Wave, and I asked about a post she made awhile back about being a no-waste traveler, since I find when I travel is when I become the most wasteful. She gave a few suggestions, like bringing your own bamboo utensils, water bottles, cups, etc. Apparently she had a whole other bag with “all that shit” which was a pain in the butt, but ultimately worthwhile. She said that she found you have to tell people right off the bat that you have your own things, so they won’t give you cups or straws or anything that will be wasted because you’re not using them. We also lamented the North American reliance on plastic water bottles a bit when I mentioned that, from how I had grown up, I used to rely almost entirely on bottled water until I switched to a good water bottle, and that my parents still just keep loads of bottled water in their fridge. She said her family does the same thing and it kind of drives her crazy when she opens the door and finds a whole bunch of bottled water. 

I saw that some other people were coming and it was toward the end of the day, too, so I said it was great chatting with her and hopped off. 

Sunday, I arrived extremely early for the Wayhaught panel to get good seats, which meant sitting through hours of 80′s music and the Stranger Things panel which came before, but that was actually pretty fun.

I wasn’t initially planning to ask a question, but I had finally come up with something funny that they’d never heard before, and I was like, screw it, and went up. I was the first person in line on the right side, so I was the second to ask a question. I just realized watching the video back that Dom waved at me and said, “Hi Stephanie,” in her sweet little British voice before I even introduced myself, so apparently she remembered and recognized me!? That’s actually really cool and I’m still trying to recover from it. I was super nervous, but they were really funny with their answers and I loved Dom’s fascination with the show. It was such a great atmosphere in there, and so much fun. It was really a bummer when the whole thing was over.

The next thing on my agenda was about an hour later for the duo photo ops. Side note: right before me, someone was doing a photo op with a lightsaber and Kat was playing with it. She was excited as heck that it made noises when she moved it. 

I walked in and Kat’s eyes locked on my sweater before she noticed my face. My sweater was an oversized York University shirt, so she exclaimed, “Oh my god, are you Canadian!?” And then she looked up and before I could reply, about a split second later, she mentally face-palmed and was like, “I’m so sorry! We had a whole conversation about this! You’re going to York for grad school! I remember!” I told her it was alright, I wasn’t offended or anything, but she insisted she remembered. So that was pretty nice. Although I normally do fun photo ops, I asked if we could just do a group hug, and they were like, “Of course!” and pulled me in for one. 

I’m not even going to pretend like I hadn’t already decided to go back for one last autograph session, but listen. I wasn’t the only one. The girls in line with me also went to every autograph session and they go to every convention with Dom and Kat, so I figured it’s fine. Plus, they were always really happy to see us. I will say, those line ups were really fun. Earpers really know how to make a line a good experience. And Dom’s line was long, so that was a very good thing.

My last meeting with Kat began with another apology for her question during the photo ops. Before I could even put down the picture I wanted her to sign, she looked me right in the eye and said, “I am so sorry, Steph! I do remember we had a whole conversation about York and grad school.” I replied that it’s perfectly okay and that honestly, I didn’t expect her to remember because I know she had met so many people over the weekend that I wouldn’t have been offended if she didn’t. She apologized and insisted again that she absolutely did (and given that she also addressed me by name multiple times without seeing it written down anywhere, I definitely believe her). It was really nice, though, even if it wasn’t necessary!

This was my moment to be a sap, though, and I told her that, although I’m sure she’s heard it a million times, it was really awesome to finally see a lesbian who’s alive and whose whole story doesn’t revolve around coming out and dealing with being gay as if it were the worst thing in the world or some obstacle to overcome or something, because it feels as if that’s all I’ve gotten to see. I told her that I’m only slightly younger than her (and then she asked my birthday, but I’m not sure why) and that it felt like my whole life I hadn’t really gotten to see representation like that. The first time I even heard the word ‘lesbian’ was as a derogatory term when Ellen Degeneres came out, and I was too young to even know what it meant. 

She was so kind and listened to every word, and it was really nice. It also spurred a conversation about Ellen, who she exclaimed her love for (we all know, Kat; we all know). We talked about her a bit and I mentioned that I’m also a big fan of Portia de Rossi and she said she’s really great, too, so I asked if she had ever read her book. She answered that she hadn’t and said she would have to add it to her list. I told her it’s about Portia’s eating disorder and her experience coming out as a lesbian, so if she’s in a dark place or just wants something light and fluffy, maybe skip to the epilogue. She seemed really interested in it, though, and asked the title. When I told her, she replied, “Wow, that’s beautiful! I am definitely going to take your recommendation and check it out!”  We then took the following selfie. I gave her the direction to do wide-eyed, open-mouthed excitement, and she was like, “Of course!” But you judge if that’s the look she actually made. I love them, though.

From there, it was on to Dom’s line, which, like I said was long. I got into it more than an hour before the convention was supposed to finish, and I was still in the overflow line when 5:00 PM passed. Kat still had a number of people in her line, as well, but not quite as many because she was going faster. Both of them insisted on staying for every fan, though, and even when Dom was being rushed and told to go faster with each of us, she made a point of apologizing that she couldn’t spend longer with a lot of people. It was very sweet. When Kat left, she waved to all of us to say goodbye and thank you for coming and that she hopes to see us at future conventions. 

To be honest, since I had already seen her that weekend, had I not already stood in the line for two hours by that point and paid for another autograph/selfie combo while in the line, I would’ve left so Dom could have gone home sooner, but since I had, I just made a point to be fast when I got up there. I pretty much told her that I thought she was spot on about Earpers being an incredible community, like she said in the panel, and thanked her for the weekend. When we had taken the selfie, I asked if I could hug her and she said, “Of course,” so I did, but that was about the extent of the interaction because it was undoubtedly a long day for her and I didn’t want to make it longer. 

That’s where my weekend experience ended with them, and honestly, you guys, it was really so awesome. I can’t quite tell you how awesome it was, or how energized I felt leaving. Earpers are amazing. Kat and Dom are incredible.I just love this whole fandom so much I could squeeze you all! But I’m done rambling for now.

[incorrectbapquotes]

fan account

so I’m a bit tired and I’m doing some of this on my phone, so please excuse the sloppiness. also, i have no idea how this works, so i’m gonna ramble a bit. I’ll put it under a read more, so I won’t clog this up.

so, my parents drive my cousin and I to the venue, park the car, and we head up. I didn’t realize that the regular line was so long that it wrapped around the building. before I got in line, I went to go get my photo op package and then I got in line with my cousin. I get there at six, so there was still plenty of time and we start talking to the people in front of us. during that time, I start passing out the glowsticks to those who don’t have any.

(also sorry to those who were looking for me for a glowstick.)

anyway, soon, it hits seven and we all start moving. we get into the venue, I hand my gift for himchan over to whoever is I charge. (the gift is a coloring books, colored pencils, and a notebook.) my cousin and I get to the lounge and relax a bit. (with a sex on the beach fuck yeah!) after it hits 7:50, we go to our seats and wait patiently.

and the ln the opening act appears.

dude, everybody was hyped. the beat was amazing and i was jumping around having a great time. it was a lot of fun. and then b.a.p arrived. everybody was screaming once the beat dropped. I couldn’t hear that well, so I didn’t know what song they were playing, until I hear youngjae’s line for hurricane. 

listen, I want all of the edm remixes on all of b.a.p’s music. my cousin was feeling it. there was a girl in front of me who was feeling it. 

 during that song, my lightstick wasn’t working because I accidentally dropped it when I was in line, so I had to use a backup glowstick that I was able to save for myself. 

 the second song was badman and again, the song was bangin’. if you could hear really closely, you could hear the fans singing along. in fact, in almost every song you could hear the fans singing along. it was a great experience, but i’m a bit sad I didn’t film some of it. 

 after badman, no mercy came on. my cousin turned to me and told me that she remembered that song. I should mention that my cousin is not a b.a.p fan nor does she listen to kpop. she was here so I don’t feel lonely. when no mercy ended, bang bang started up, which is a song that I love unconditionally. I love the song and I love rocking to it.

most of the songs that they did were amazing! i couldn’t really remember some of the songs, but i remember very fondly that i was dancing along to some of them. and then came the talk.

okay, so it was yongguk’s turn to pick. i was high up above, so i saw what was going on. it looked like yongguk picked a girl with the byg headband, but it turned out to be someone else (kayla) and there was a bit of confusion. kayla was so cute i love her. i’m a bit jealous, but i’m so glad that she got up there. she was trying to calm herself and i think yongguk was having a bit of fun with her.

dude, yongguk was so fucking flirty it was hilarious. AND KAYLA CURVED HIM LIKE HELLO. she said she was born in oakland, but lived in seattle, so i think yongguk said it was nice that time of year or something along those lines.

now here’s something for those bangdae shippers. since there was a lot of confetti, some of it got on hair or clothes. well, apparently, some of it got on yongguk’s hair, so daehyun bravely picked the confetti out of his hair.

i don’t know if they do this to all of the fans, but yongguk gave her a videotape that he was filming with all the members while saying ‘for your eyes only.’ okay bang, okay.

during that time, i saw jongup leaving before their small talk. obviously he was getting ready for his solo. so after all of that was done, it was time for jongup’s solo.

jongup never fails to disappoint. this is why this little shit is my bias wrecker. he has a gorgeous voice, he’s a great dancer, and now all he needs to do is act and he’ll be a triple threat.

after jongup’s solo ended, zelo came onto the stage. he’s so cute and adorable. i took a few pictures with my shitty phone camera, but i’ll post that on instagram or something. 

after zelo’s solo was i believe fermata. it felt weird without himchan there because i know for a fact that he has some lines in that song, but i guess they didn’t want to put a strain on himchan or anything. was i a bit disappointed that he wasn’t there? yes.

after fermata with daehyun, youngjae, and jongup (which i also have some pictures), it was youngjae’s solo. listen, when youngjae decides to drop that solor album, my ass is going to be first in line to buy it. he sounds so good and i love his voice so much. i was mesmerized by the song. 

after youngjae was daehyun’s solo. i was a bit surprised that daehyun was going to do his solo because i heard he was sick or something and some of the other shows he didn’t do his solo. during his solo, zelo came out of nowhere and did his rap and then left. thirty seconds of rapping and everybody was cheering.

also, i have to confess. when they started launching the confetti, my cousin and i were playing a game of who can catch the confetti first. we have very short attention spans and maybe that’s why i don’t remember that much because i was too focused on the confetti.

next was skydive and everybody was screaming. i was, too. it was beautiful! it was so nice to see leader bang taking his place with everybody, since it’s been so long since i’ve seen him dance to skydive. i want all the fanchants at la so that i can keep forever. even though my ears were ringing from the loud noise, i could still hear the chants whenever they were singing and skydive did not disappoint. 

young, wild, and free was a beautiful song and such an amazing performance. again, give me all the fanchants from la and i’ll be set for life. they were all having fun and dancing their heart out.

then there was a bit of talking, but i don’t remember too much about this one. then wake me up started and everybody was getting into it. everybody was screaming when yongguk showed up during his part of the choreo. i slightly remembered the fanchant that daehyun and himchan showed, so i had my whistle ready and chanted along. you can hear the whistles from a mile away i love it.

then they all left, the lights were off and the party’s over but everybody was still cheering for b.a.p to come back. they were teaching us the check on dance, but it’s really the head shoulders knees and toes dance without the knees and toes. it was really cute, actually. during the second verse of the chorus, yongguk was high fiving us at the balcony seating and i believe himchan was attempting to spray us.

during that fun time where everybody was dancing, i noticed that himchan looked to be in a bit of pain, but then he went right back to dancing. i don’t know if it’s the trick of the eye or not, but it looked like he still needed to recover a bit longer. 

during either carnival or feel so good (could be that’s my jam for all i know), someone brought out a go pro and the boys started passing that along to film the audience. my adorable sons. 

during the end of carnival, some of the fans brought out the happy birthday himchan banner and i think himchan looked a bit confused. now this was the highlight of the concert. youngjae was being a little shit and a meme by saying happy birthday bro over and over again. he even got the audience to say it to him. daehyun did, too. everybody was cracking up and i loved it all. 

during the talking portion of the concert, everybody continued to scream. daehyun, being the whiny child he is, was pleading for all of us to be quiet, saying it’s his turn to talk. i felt so bad for him. eventually, everybody quieted down. there were a few screams from the audience, but he got to say what he wanted to say. same thing with youngjae and himchan when they were talking. they would not shut up. then zelo said some things and asked everybody how they liked his solo. youngjae said ‘it was awesome, bro’ or something along those line. zelo replied by whispering in his ear saying ‘thanks bro’. jongup got to talk and he was so sweet talking about his family and how his cousin gave birth. and then daehyun ruined it by being the cheesy little shit. i guess he cringed at his own words because he then walked off the stage, but he eventually came back. (i couldn’t hear very well, but from other fan accounts, i guess he was saying he wants to make a baby.)

yongguk. oh my god, my heart. everybody was screaming for about five minutes straight. he looked so proud and he looked like he was about to cry. my poor angel baby. eventually, he got to talk and when he was done, everybody was screaming. we really didn’t want them to leave. 

the next song was b.a.b.y and although i wasn’t really there since the beginning, seeing a lot of the pictures and videos from when they predebuted and all of that stuff, it made me cry a little. everybody got to sing along and it was beautiful.

and then after the song, they left.

we all thought they were done because b.a.b.y was playing and we were all singing along, but they came back with bang bang again, but without the edm remix. it was still a banging song no matter what. after that, then they finally left. wake me up was playing when they left and a lot of fans were singing.

then came the hi touch and the photo op.

now, i didn’t get hi touch, but i did get a photo op.

it took a while for the hi touch because there’s a lot of people. i was more towards the front, so i got in and got out real quick. i mostly remember jongup, youngjae, and zelo. i think i was standing in front jongup and youngjae. i had my shoulders hunched because i was freezing cold. the jacket i brought with me did not keep me warm. it didn’t help that i was wearing a tank top with space cats on it. 

after the photo was taken, we all left. i turned around and i see youngjae making kissy faces. i think zelo saw my hat, but i didn’t hear anything as i was leaving.

i was cold and tired and had to get up for work, but it was so worth it.

the staff did tell us not to interact with the members or talk to them because they’re tired and want to go back to the hotel and i understand. i wasn’t even performing and i’m tired. it was getting really late and i really hope the boys made it okay to their hotel.

all in all, it was so much fun. i wanna see if i can get my brother to join me next year, but we’ll see. i also want to meet with all of you lovely fans and i’m so sad that i didn’t get to. 

however, i also hope that they won’t do another world tour because i want them to do well in korea. i want them to stay where they are and if they do decide to do a world tour, maybe set it in the summer maybe? some time where school doesn’t interfere with the concert.

now, here are some songs that i wish they played, but didn’t:

with you

crash

one shot

ribbon in the sky

punch

warrior

where are you, what are you doing?

excuse me

kingdom

dystopia

am i sad that they didn’t play these songs? a little. either way, i will go again next year if they decide to come back. and once powerhouse uploads those photo ops from la, i’ll show you my ugly hunching face.

by the way, my cousin, who does not like kpop and has never heard of b.a.p, loved every second of it. she said that yongguk was hot. to be honest, i thought she’s go for youngjae.

now i have to fight her.

[papermoth-bird-blog]

Austin: Tan lines in Texas (and an introduction to an Ashram in Arizona)

(okay, so I’ll note I’m actually writing this from Arizona, but the last few days have been a blur & it was hard to find time to write. Love to whoever is reading this.)

Austin was a great idea. Again, would have been made easier if I had a car, but it’s a good thing I made friends here. Or I should say- It’s a good thing my friends hooked me up with their friends that still live in Austin (particularly Kyle!)

Still been eating really good food. And by that, I mean in large part American comfort food. I have fully become addicted to tacos and have at least one a day.. (okay yeah, I’ve always had a burrito problem). I’ve pretty much conquered/eaten all the southern/tex-mex/austin staples. On top of that I had that I had the best bowl of Ramen I’ve ever had. I’ve also had a lot of juice/smoothies.. cause they love that here, for whatever reason. The sun came out & lifted my spirits tremendously. I spent so much time ‘playing’ outside. Barton creek is a really beautiful water body- Mediterranean blue! Right in the middle of the city. I’m glad that I started a morning pilgrimage to Zilker’s park to have tree-time. Some of my best memories from Austin were made there.

Kyle’s friend Marlon (who performs under the name Tasi) invited me out to a kinda institution/dive venue (a la Gus’ Pub but much bigger) to watch some people perform who were in the local indie scene.Turns out, one of the performer’s was Charlie from Hovvdy- a band I’d seen play earlier in the week. That was a really great night out. I feel like I was finally around people that reminded me of my friends back home- musicians, leftys, artists. It was really nice chatting to them all & making friends. It was grounding at a time that I felt a little more adrift. Marlon was super kind & totally hooked me up with a bunch of art shows & music shows for the rest of the week- not to mention introduced me to a lot of cool people.  I told him I’d repay the favour if he ever came up to Canada- and I hope he takes me up on it (I feel like he’s the type to). I also made friend’s with the bartender that night because apparently I am the doppleganger of her childhood best friend Katie. She even showed me pictures... it was a little weird, we did look oddly similar. If anything, it just made me feel that string-like guide of strange circumstances that has lead me along this wandering journey. So I kinda nodded my head instead of getting actually weirded out. Stranger and stranger everyday- and so, less strange overall. ‘Tis the life of a witch, I suppose.

The following evening was the BIG night I’d been awaiting since I started this trip- I went to see Jonathan Richman. It was a short set, which, not gonna lie, induced some skepticism. HOLY MOLY it was a great show. It filled me with so much joy and I danced through the whole set all by myself. He was so silly & playful- which made for a really engaging & flowing performance. Despite the overtone of hipstery-indifference, he pulled a lot of audience participation out of the crowd. We worshipped the sun together & sang praises for the summer feeling that arrived in Austin earlier that day. He also played a couple of his older hits (which I didn’t except, cause I was told he didn’t really play those anymore). The whole time there was this one guy full-fan-girling next to me. I kinda think he was freaking Jojo out. I’d probably have been weirded out to. By virtue of us being right beside each other in the front row, it meant that that Jojo was looking at me in the eyes (and boobs) all night. Which felt kinda weird, but kinda special. (haha). He also pranced around the stage with maracas which put me in a good mood. Strangely enough, he wasn’t the only one to whip out the maracas. Later on that night, I went to see another country band. The lead singer was decked out in Rhinestone Cowboy apparel. Sure enough, he whipped out the maracas eventually too. I guess something is in the air- mostly Maracas. 

My final day in Austin reached a high of 31 degrees. I walked around in shorts and a bathing suit all day- whispering to myself reminders that it was february. It put a lightness in my heart. I skipped around town, eating my favourite foods & got ice cream. I met up with a friend too & went swimming. We basked in the sun & talked about the future & travel. He just came back from hiking the Appalachian trail (which took 6 months). I quizzed him endlessly about it. It certainly sounds intimidating, but incredibly rewarding. It’s definitely something that’s doggy-eared on my travel wishlist. I mean- walking from Georgia to Maine! Can you imagine!! All throughout some of the most beautiful sections of mountains the world has to offer. Reading ‘Wild’ has certainly been encouraging me along this thought plain too. 

Later that night I went to a friend’s birthday party at a really boogie secret bar. I felt out of place, cause I was wearing cut off jean shorts & a ripped t-shirt & a bandana- definitely not exactly the vibe. It was a good time anyway & all the waiters had cute Irish Accents. Later in the night Brandon & I took off to go to another party across town, after picking up some more of his friends. I was flying to Pheonix the next day & mentally preparing myself for Ashram life. It felt a little odd to be around so many people doing coke- but if anything, it just confirmed that I feel really good about staying sober & living my life on the path I am travelling on. All the people there knew each other from high school (mostly Anderson high... which if I’m not mistaken is the high school in Dazed & Confused). It definitely brought me back to high school in a way- not that the conversations were particularly high school like (well maybe), but more so reminded me how I felt in high school. That just because I could get along with everybody & find things to talk about, doesn’t mean they are “my people”. I was just filled with pangs of gratitude for the people I have back home that make me feel so fulfilled & supported & loved wholly. It makes it easy to be away & explore knowing that. 

In some ways, I’ve seen flashes of every version of myself I’ve ever been. I’ve had moments that reminded me of my childhood. I’ve had moments reminding me of my adolescence. And along the way- I’ve found ways to make peace with the trouble some of those memories bring to me. Soothing me, teaching me, giving me room to grow. It’s like I’ve been repotted- I’m going through the lessons I was faced with before, but this time, I have many more tools & experiences to support me through them. It’s helped me spark a bit of excitement to spend time in Ontario again. 

The next morning, Brandon drove me to the airport. I’m so grateful to him for doing that too- because we slept in & I wouldn’t have had enough time if I had to take an uber. I tumbled high-speed through the airport & next thing I knew I was in Phoenix. (okay, there was a weird bit about the lady at TSA getting mad at me & patting me down because she didn’t like how many notes I had shoved in my overall’s pockets. I didn’t get it really. I looked more like a toddler that a smuggler, but whatever). My jaw practically hit the floor when I saw the landscape I dropped into. Such a big sky! and so blue! And mountain in the distance- that looked more like hardend sand dunes. The cactus’s are huge & fill the landscape, instead of an abundance of trees. It made me regret taking the plane, instead of the bus. Despite what everyone was saying, I really think I would have loved it. Now I just know I will have to trust my own feelings ever-forward when it comes to those things. 

----------------------------------------------------

Sedona, too, is more beautiful than I could have expected. I mean, I’ve seen pictures of course, but seeing the monuments & their contrast with space & sky is something else. I took this huge breath here that I feel like I’d been holding for months & months. I can tell I have work to do here. Routine to entangle in, feelings to purge. I will be here for two or three weeks- doing yoga & meditation & chanting everyday. I can already feel the shift in me. (and in some ways, a shift back to a way I was in the past too). Being part of a land co-op certainly does allow for a lot of outdoor work & collaborative living. I do love all that, and it definitely exists as a main part of the ashram. There is a different feeling here, though. Definitely less silly. It’s full of intention. I don’t know how to explain it right now- except it’s like your spirit makes eye contact with everyone else’s spirit. You can’t hide from your weaknesses. It requires honesty & commitment to make life work here. I’ve always been ready for that- but you don’t find too many places (especially in modern cities) that allows you to live that way. My body, too, is being challenged. Everyone here is a relatively devout yogi (karmic & asana). I myself have to catch up in ways. I already have the chants stuck in my  head as I work in the garden.

One think I’ve found challenging so far is what I am doing for my Karma Yoga practice. Rukmini can be a little nit-picky (although I know she’s working on that). She is also taking over for Swamiji while he is away, which I realize has it’s own stresses. She hopes that I will help her in the kitchen and help her with “momma chores”. The thought of that is challenging for me, however, because I’ve never been particularly inclined towards those things. Gopala is leaving the ashram soon. He has done a lot of the cooking & I think she really wants me to help with that..... my ultimate challenge. I mean, I told her I love farm work and building projects. Dharmagan & Charles are building a little temple by the bar. Really, I am craving to work on that. I think, Rukmini would prefer me to work with her, though. We did have a special moment earlier in which we were both totally geeking out about plants and gardening. That felt really nice. I’ve been thinking a lot about “my path” of course. I still feel intentional about doing some sort of healing practice. In clearing away all my obligations, I have thought every morning “in a perfect world, what would you do with this day). In almost all my answers, it has something to do with being outside with plant friends & sharing the gifts of plant medicines with my dearest people friends. I do really want to be a farmer- but in nova scotia that is certainly hard to make your full income. I love the idea of doing massage to fill out the rest of my time (as I’ve discussed for years), but it doesn’t spark the same immediate joy that plants do. I think it would still be something I’d be good at though & would open so many doors for me. (anyways, I digress... and most of my good friends have heard me repeat this conversation over and over again).

I can’t help but feel doubted (which is an ultimate pet peeve of mine) in areas that are a little more physical or perhaps typically male roles. She did allow me to help her garden today. We planted Onions & lilies & garlic as flakes of snow fell from the sky. It’s about 5 degrees- which for me, feels reasonable to be working outside. Everyone else keeps mentioning “THE COLD!” I just smile to myself, because it’s familiar to me & I love being outside. It did mean that Gopala brought me a big mug of Cocao while I planted. Which was kind and really thoughtful. 

Saraswati is the patron goddess of this ashram. Her colour is yellow (my favourite) and she is the goddess of wisdom & knowledge. She is actually one of my favourite Hindu Gods- so it was a happy surprise when I found that out. The library, where her shrine is, is beautiful & filled with yellow & gold. It’s a very happy place to be. All the book titles have filled me with a thirst to read as much as I can. Rukmini gave me a book about Peace Pilgrim. On my first day I sat down by the river with my feel sunk into the mud (next to the many raccoon paw prints) and read in the tree for a few hours. Peace Pilgrim is a favourite of the Swami here. He, like Peace Pilgrim, also journeyed around America, relying on faith & the kindness of strangers to help him on his way. I am looking forward to meeting him. Mare has told me wonderful things about him (mostly that he reminds her a lot of Dumbledore-- which is probably the highest praise any teacher could get). He arrives tomorrow- so I’m sure there will once again be another shift in energy. We’ve gotten a little lackadaisical with the timing of the schedule. I’ve heard Swami keep the household a little strict- but I suppose you have to when there is a bunch of people in & out (in addition to it being a serious spiritual centre). 

This is a small Ashram- with only about 7 of us here now. It is less than a year old, however, so it is still being established in many ways. The other ashrams have 50, maybe even 100 people living there. I feel good about this ashram though. Especially when it comes to learning, I feel like it will be more effective in a small group. Although I suppose larger ones would be nice because there would be lots of people to work with & talk to. It feels right to be in this one though. 

There was a girl who left the day before I arrived & her name was also Zoe. Apparently there was some confusion because we had the same name. I personally am just taking it as another sign that I’m supposed to be here. Something that I didn’t really expect is that I am feeling a lot of gratitude for my name- Which means life. There has been a lot of chants exploring that theme- being alive. I guess that could be expected, but it’s been standing out to me. My thoughts keep circling back to that mysterious phrase that lead me to this journey on the first place “go to New Orleans to learn about death”. I think I let a lot of things die when I chose to leave Halifax. There was death in that, surely. In a re:birthing context. I think what I learned most is that life exists concurrently with death. 

I struggle quite a bit still with thoughts of Ellie’s death. I found myself crying unexpectedly in Satsung yesterday, and then again when talking to Rukminiji. I find it hard to laugh and smile without it making me feel guilty in some way. As if keeping sadness close to my heart is penitence, or proof in someway that I loved her. New Orleans, certainly conjured the ideal of how deeply & brightly both the concepts of death & life can coexist. And so, still with thoughts & appreciation for death, I’ve been able to live a little more freely. Which is not something I thought I’d ever fully be able to move towards in sincerity. But I feel it. My prana is having the dust shaken off along this dessert journey. I am grateful for every moment of it- all the challenges & moments of peace that is being gifted to me.