#i get so emotional when i think about all that they couldve contributed

[theysangastheyslew]

From helping rebuild settlements to teaching/further developing food production in barren regions to repurposing their odm gear into a leg brace for a certain someone, you know that post-Rumbling, Hange would find so many ways to stay in the action 🥲

[sidesteppostinghours]

4 + 5 + 8 + 40 + 34 and I) G) F) for Cyrus Becker my beloved 🧡

afternoon idle!! oh my god questions galore *cracks knuckles* cyrus get your ass over here youre up

4. How easy is it to earn their trust?

Very difficult, and at the same time easier than youd think. he definitely doesnt entertain everybody, but hes not unreasonable. hell hear you out if you give him enough reason to (or if he thinks its beneficial to get to know you. do you see why he gets attached to people hes supposed to be manipulating so often). ortega and mortum required him to establish a relationship, which is how they got so close to eachother so quickly. herald got by because cyrus thought hed be a useful contact in the rangers. chen couldve earned his trust a long time ago, they had to work with eachother a lot back when he still ran with the rangers, but chen squandered it on his suspicions and its been too long for cyrus to have any interest in patching up their relationship. argent has largely flown under his radar, she hasnt piqued his interest more than the passing curiosity of why she wanted the regenerator.

5. How easy is it to earn their mistrust?

the default is mistrust. sorry yall, hes not taking any more chances than necessary. hes a telepath, he knows all too well what secrets other people hide, and hes not interested in giving people a chance to prove his suspicions wrong. but after hes grown to trust somebody? its... embarrassing how difficult it is to lose it. even though his trust is much shakier nowadays, you still need to have fucked up Majorly to get him back to mistrusting you. if you somehow manage to do that,,, uhhhh. what do you want on your tombstone? (ig its technically its possible to not die and even earn that trust back??? ortega managed, but thats ortega and hes statistically more likely to kill you or ruin your life. depends on how badly you fucked up. id say theres a good 5% chance youll survive the experience without the need for intense psychotherapy)

8. What were they told to stop/start doing most often as a child

listen. follow orders. be exactly who we need you to be. cyrus was a deeply rebellious regene, but he wasnt stupid about it. hed go against the mission in secret, and just enough that nobody wouldve been able to trace any problems back to him. that doesnt mean he was never caught, but he was too competent of a regene to be scrapped, which saved him multiple times before. those few times did cause handlers to keep a closer eye on him though, just in case. handlers would usually keep a harder grip on cyrus, hold him to stricter standards. it contributed a lot to his own self talk. SPEAKING OF WHICH:

40. How sensitive are they to their own flaws?

you must imagine me holding him and looking lovingly into his eyes while i dump a gallon of insecurity and perfectionism on him. hes a proud man, he thinks hes better than what other people are capable of, but that arguably makes things worse when he does make a mistake. he of all people shouldnt be like this. add the puppetmaster scar on him and its a hefty load of 'i need to make sure every single step of my plan goes exactly right Or Else." the worst thing about him is that a lot of the petty flaws he thinks apply to him arent correct. AND HE CANT EVEN NAME HIS ACTUAL FLAWS. cyrus you are so smart and walking around with zero self awareness, its the best. please consider stepping into acid.

34. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? 

hohohohoho. well. the first step is to get him to feel guilty in the first place. traditionally immoral actions arent going to get to him, obviously. the thing that springs up guilt for him most often is themmys death. he has. a Lot of survivors guilt about that. especially because hes convinced himself he couldve done something and *gestures to the ask above*. guilt will haunt him for life if it doesnt get resolved in a healthy way, but hes gotten good at burying his emotions a long time ago. even when he feels like that, he reserves a specific time to think about it, otherwise itll impede on his plans in the long run. that designated time is. usually when hes supposed to be sleeping. his sleep schedule is just a little bit messed.

I) Do you prefer to keep them in their canon universe?

oh dude i Love putting cyrus in aus. its so fun to poke him with a stick and see what happens. the first one i put him in was a band au, it helped me figure out how he would interact with herald. basically cyrus was a masked guitarist (for backstory reasons) for a band daniel happened to be a fan of, except the two of them managed to meet at just regular old work, with cyrus not realizing daniel was a fan and daniel not realizing cyrus was from one of his favourite bands. it led to fun, mlb-esque shenanigans between the two lmfao. the second one i put him in was the becker siblings au, which i still have thoughts and emotionsTM about. that au let me indulge in the 'cyrus is an older sibling' headcanon and i will forever be in debt to it for the amount of protective cyrus i got. third and current au im obsessing over is a 'cyrus survives hb' scenario, where ortega managed to stop him before he jumped out the window. i am getting! so much ortega x cyrus content out of that au! and so much survivors guilt cyrus. cyrus 'using' ortega to forget about heartbreak my beloveddddd. he also says 'i love you' to ortega in this au and canon ortega is SO jealous. also x2, hes an alcohol vice step in this au. heartbreak hit hard and the tequila hits different.

aaaand i still like his canon version better. its just so very much him. out of every step ive got, hes the one i get to stay closest to how i envision based on the choices the game offers. plus he caught me completely by surprise suckerpunching me with an obsession over him and i cant Not respect that.

G) What trait of theirs bothers you the most?

not sure whether this means on a character creation level or as a person, but ill answer for 'as a person' because im overall pretty satisfied with how he turned out! but like. god what is there to not be bothered about. my manipulative little shit of a son. ig the trait that frustrates me the most is his self destructive tendencies. like. Sir. are you at all aware of the fact that people care for you and want you safe? and that you can respond to that concern with something other than "i can use this", "sucks to be them", or, "no theyre not"? sir. sir answer the question. hes so empathetic and also literally a telepath but somehow cant compute genuine concern at him. as frustrating as it is though, i cannot deny that it is deeply funny to watch him fumble so badly.

F) What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

normal. the ones where people look at me and think "wow, that is a person who is having (a) regular thought(s) about their character! very cool!" you will never see a person who is more normal about their guy than i am (i am grabbing him by the teeth and shaking him like a dog with a very strong kill instinct).

truly though, thinking of him gets me buzzing. hes like a puzzle, i keep breaking him apart and putting him back together again to see how everything works. i have this thing where ill often think about showing character analysis to the characters themeselves, just to see how they would react, and i undeniably do this the most with cyrus. i want to explain step by step (hah) why he is the way that he is now, like the whole timeline is plotted inside my head and its so!!!!! i am!!!!! chewing on him!!!!!

questions from here!

[lemongogo]

Hi, so I was wondering what u think this chapter is supposed to mean for hawks character? Is this him reluctantly following orders or is he seriously questioning what side he is on? Twice is obviously not gonna change, and I don’t think hawks understands how much his betrayal hurt twice. Twice devotes all of himself to his comrades happiness. He wouldn’t leave them. What was your opinion on hawks offering to help twice and not wanting to fight him? And twice’s reaction to it

(tl;dr at the bottom)

hey ! so i think a lot of hawks’ character is still shrouded in mystery given that we still don’t know much about him as an individual, as much as we are familiar with Hawks, his hero persona. but with that being said, I think this chapter was pretty clear in showing that there’s a part of hawks that realizes the current system is flawed, even if he isn’t currently planning to abandon the hpsc as some of us (such as myself) would like to see in the future

i think before the chapter released, there were two main paths that his story couldve taken.

in one situation, he could’ve incapacitated twice and taken him out of battle immediately. aka, no talking, no trying to explain himself, just wrap up the job he was given to do. this scenario would suggest that there is no capacity for hawks to change or evolve away from the hpsc. this outcome would mean that , for the rest of the story, he would most likely remain heavily tied to this idea that heroics hold a moral superiority over the villains. that sympathy shouldnt be spared for people like twice because they are “bad”. (aka, feed into this binary of good vs bad)

in the other situation, hawks would hesitate or try to reason with twice, and show that there’s some sort of internal conflict that he’s dealing with. this outcome, unlike with the first scenario, would insinuate that hawks’ story will, at some point, deviate from the path the hpsc intends for him to take. that he will, to some degree, question the institution he works in / contributes to. aka: is what he doing the right thing to do (emphasis on morally grey characters / situations unlike the black/white perspective of situation 1)

chapter 264 shows us that second situation: hawks, despite having the upper hand (cornering twice with all of his feathers drawn), does not immediately “finish the job”. he tries to reason with twice by saying that he can “rebuild” his life and start over. “atone for his crimes” and so on so forth. in my opinion, this is a really good step in hawks leaving the cage the hero commission forced him in at such a young age. i mean, as other people have already stated earlier, this isn’t something he will be able to overcome quickly or easily at all. but, it shows that he’s starting to make some decisions for himself. the hero commission does not seem like they would care for the rehabilitation of the criminals. it doesnt seem like they really care for how these people “feel” and would rather smush the rebellion if it meant upholding the current standard of society

the cool thing here is that we see the conflict between hawks and the commission in a very visual manner. scenes where hawks looks menacing are the scenes where he’s speaking with a sense of authority imposed by the hpsc and his status as the #2. this is where we see him talk about the logistics of his mission, and these lines are accompanied by an obscured, shadowed face. emotion is removed from the equation. he is cold and calculating. unforgiving.

compare it to when he starts to give twice a “chance”. we see his face and his emotions clear as day. from this point forward, we’re seeing what keigo wants to say, and what keigo wants to see from twice. his face is revealed when he says “because you are a good person”; he places faith in twice even when the commission couldnt (wont). 

he sees twice’s tears. he sees twice break down and it all ties back to the notion that , in my opinion, hawks WAS connected to jin, even though he might frame it as part of his mission. yes, he got “close” to twice because he had to. and yes he used / manipulated twice. we can’t deny that. but he also tells twice that he recognizes the good in him and, through his internal monologue in the end, we know !! that keigo did care for him to an extent. what twice said to him back at the end, the thing about friends caring about each other and wanting to help hawks out of the “cage” he was “stuck in” resonated with him!! and thats why he offered his help in getting twice “back on his feet”

to me, i feel like he does understand how much this betrayal hurt twice. i think he tries to put on a facade and act like it doesnt affect him bc its his job (as in . he’s not supposed to get attached) but then you see THIS panel at the end 

and its obvious he’s upset and reflecting on the idea that what he’s doing and how he’s using people isnt okay and that, yeah, jin has a point . somewhere along the way, heroics lost sight of what it meant to help people

idk. its a lot to process. maybe im reading this all wrong, but to Me i feel as though this is a sign that hawks isnt as tied to the commission as he originally was. because although he’s still doing his job as he’s supposed to, he’s also grieving? in his own way? recognizing the harm he’s caused twice and understanding that this is just a really shitty situation. like others have mentioned, i don’t think we could’ve expected this big “switch” in hawks right away but this is the perfect step in the right direction imo

to answer your question, i don’t think he’s questioning his position just yet but . he does seem to be emotionally distressed and perhaps critical of himself for what he has to do. @miriio​ describes this better than i can:

“if anything i think i’d be bad writing for hawks to join the league this quickly. we clearly see hawks struggling with his options and he genuinely seems to feel bad about what he’s doing….but what he’s doing is what he’s been trained to believe is right. if hawks really wanted to i’m sure he could’ve killed twice instantly. but he didn’t because he doesn’t want to. he even said he would help twice after because he knows he’s a good person. it’s clear hawks doesn’t wanna do any of this but as far as he’s concerned it’s his only option”

im really bad at explaining how i feel abt this but @miriio and @spinneraki both make ! really good points on what this means for him as a character too if u want to check out those discussions :-)

tl;dr this chapter shows hawks has the capacity to change, given his choice to “talk it out” with twice and his later reflection on how the “bad ones are always us hero scum”. 

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[saintkimora]

here is how my last date went w joel (once again i have mixed feelings about it) plus how things are going now

so i saw him the other night. i got there and it was him marissa and lindsey as usual but they also had their friends moshe and adiena there. so that was kinda awkward (for me at least). they were all just sitting around talking and moshe and joel were playing mario kart on the switch and then joel made everyone watch like category is, read u wrote u, the s8 and 9 finale lip syncs, and the alyssa edwards drop dead gorgeous mix. it was kinda awkward bc the others werent really into it after the first 2 videos (except marissa legend) so i was getting secondhand embarrassment but it was still fun i guess since i got to sit next to my man

BUT then things took a turn for the worst bc joel made some attempt to include me in the group conversation. i got so sweaty instantly and i was wearing a tank so i was like fuck! nothing to cover it up. so yeah eventually moshe and adiena left and it was just us the 4 sisters again

marissa started vacuuming and lindsey was showing us some books she has. then they both went to their rooms and it was just me and joel. he said chris was still in his room playing tekken 7 on his ps4 and he didnt wanna kick him out yet so we stayed in the living room and he made me watch the great british bake off with him and it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO boring omg like this is what yall call a competition? it was not intense at ALL literally flop shows only

then eventually we went into his room and he kicked chris out (after playing one round w him) so it was just us. this is where the date got enjoyable

one of the things he did was he started talking to me about his opinions on like race and stuff currently in america. and his opinions were all p good except for a few so that was fine. it was nice i guess to have like a serious convo w him i guess

THEN he referenced something from his childhood and i didnt know what it was obv so he was like “ive never told you the story of my childhood??” so he told me and oh my gosh it was so SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD omg im not gonna put all his business on here but it was such a sad story and i felt so bad for him and i wished i met him years ago so i couldve been there for him through all of it. but yeah it was v unfortunate i was like shocked like he seriously could not catch a break and he explained to me how the things from back then affect him to this day w like his anxiety for example and yeah. like obv i wasnt happy to hear about all those sad things but i was happy that he told me bc it made me feel closer to him

now for the part i DIDNT like. so at one point he somehow tried to talk to me about what celebrities and porn stars we think are hot. i did not want to have this conversation bc it feels pointless for me bc i dont keep up w celebrities and plus like the guy im with is always the #1 hottest guy for me so i dont feel the need to lust after celebs and porn stars. but whatever he was insistent on talking about this so we did. and the part that made me feel :/ was that none of the guys looked like me. like literally all the celebrities and porn stars he listed literally looked NOTHING like me whatsoever. like i didnt have a SINGLE thing in common w any of these guys. so to hear him going on and on about how hot these guys are and how they could have him any day and stuff was just kinda deflating to me bc they were all like the complete opposite of me in terms of looks. like they were all super buff daddy types and i have like 0 muscles and i dont really have strong chiseled features either. like i know im prob being oversensitive/too competitive but idk it just made me uncomfortable

and then when i told him all my faves it was different bc he did have a lot in common w all the guys i mentioned. he was like “im noticing a pattern here” and hes right, like if i did have a “”type” he would probably be it. i personally dont like talking about hot guys w any guy im currently with bc for me its like if the guy im with is all heart eyes emoji about another guys looks then obv im gonna look at this guy and compare myself to him which is not something i want to do since most of the time the other guys have me beat. so i dont bring up guys i find hot for the same reason bc i wouldnt want the guy im with to feel insecure or inadequate or contribute to a negative body image or something. i know not all people think like this and lots of people are perfectly fine w admiring other guys w their s/o but for me its just not something i like to do

so that was the worst part. it made me feel kinda empty the next day (in the moment it wasnt as bad, it was uncomfortable but it wasnt until later that i realized that i really did not look like these guys at all). actually i think this convo happened before the childhood convo. but anyways after all those convos that is when we fooled around

so this time it was fun! first he had me teasing his hole w my dick. its mildy pleasant to me but he like loves it lol. then he did the same to me but his dick was like lubed up from when i was jerking him off beforehand and it really felt like his dick was THIS close to slipping into my hole omg i was nervous i was like if he moves his hips slightly too much im literally gonna lose my virginity LMAO but it was still fun! he ended up cumming on my hole which i honestly didnt mind bc it was easier to clean since its less surface area than say my stomach or something

then i jerked myself off while he kissed me and played w my nipples and stuff since thats still my preferred way to cum. it was nice and then we showered together afterwards. and i forgot to mention it but a few dates ago we showered together for the first time which was super fun!! that time i sucked/jerked him off in the shower until he came. this time we had already cum so we just cleaned ourselves 

then we went to sleep. we woke up and got ready and i got to see him eat breakfast! he had cereal and he looked soooooooo cute omg and then we left his apartment together, then parted ways bc i had to go to my car and he was going to the bus stop down the street. he left bc he is visiting his family back home bc he needs to get some documents to do something for fafsa and he wont be back until wednesday. and i leave on thursday so rip we just have one more chance to see each other 

so that was that! also on the date before that we played this really fun game together called lovers in a dangerous spacetime and i had so much fun! omg we were such gaymers

so yeah thats it! one more date before we have to be apart for a month. im really sad about it actually like ive been getting really emotional over it. like im gonna miss him but also hes kinda going through a difficult time in his life right now and it makes me feel really bad that i wont be able to be there for him in person when he needs me. and ofc im still worried he might meet someone else, like a month is a long time so its v possible for him to forget/lose interest and try to find a new man instead. and these gay apps are location based obv so he could be reinstalling grindr or something and i would have no idea since im so many miles away!!! i doubt he would but again i didnt think caleb would do that either and i was wrong on that so im not trusting my own judgment anymore

im gonna try to enjoy greece but im gonna miss him a LOT and i just hope hes able to hold himself together while im gone since i wont be here to comfort him since im gonna be on another continent. if he does meet someone else im gonna be really sad about it but i am gonna try to be optimistic about it and ill still be able to text him like every day so its gonna suck but it could be worse i guess

[36incheshigh]

http://academics.cehd.umn.edu/hatch/research/fish/fishes/american_eel.html So if I had to choose a patronus ir soul animal or something, especially for my villain alter ego itd be an american freshwater eel. I choose the word patronus or soul animal because im not sure the relationship i want to it to be that ii physically become it or am it in another life but maybe something that i live vicariously through it or something ha whatever thatd be called! Id always kinda thought of a snake bc theyre so svelte but also i wanted an aquatic animal bc what a different world in the water and that must be soft getting to move smoothly in more than two dimensions. So its cool bc it says these guys can go on land and mostlyin water. Plus their little fins look cool and they still look sleek. I didnt want an animal that looks too much . Plus its a good size, 3-5ft, 5-7 pounds - thats a size thats not easily smooshed and stepped on its substantial but not overbearing or threatening or something that cant fit anywhere lol. Plus i kinda like its life. Nocturnal so i dont have to deal with the sun or looking at all kinds of crazy stuff sometimes a lot of visual stimulation is overwhelming lol. Just everybody be quiet and dont look at me loll. I mean idk. It uses mostly smell to get its food which is also my fav sense lol. Its like a magic sense because its like invisible and you cant even see or feel anything, its like its just telepathy lol. I like how it only eats small things without blood that arent a big deal to eat and that probs dont have many feelings, like bugs . Because like, chill down!. I like its choice of habitat. Freshwater bodies of water are like, my favorite thing in a habitat, even as a human. So fresh and refreshing and invigoratig yet safe lol. One of my fav landscapes. Because it has so many elements to it to ground and engage you, in good ways that arent gross or overwhelming. Sound of waves lapping a distinct but nice smell. Water and mud are gentler than like trees and ground and rock. Plus they get born in the gulf of mexico apparently - all of them lol?!. Thats cool, it mist be nice and warm there, neat place to start-and end apparently. Yea i also like how they do get to stay in like one spot all their lives, but at the begining and end they get to do some travelling alll the way back to their birth place. I like an athletic animal, especially ones that can swim. Amazing not to even drown lol maybe its hust bc i see it from a human perspective. I like this sense of loyalty which i value in this life-even if for them its just biological rather than emotional.. how nice, i love that , they go backk to theirr birth place to give birth again and die. After spending all their life in one place . I also like their predators even. Theyre just these chilll big fish and like herrons. I could respect a chill big fish like a bass. Bass has fed my human species so why not give back. Yea i mean i respect all species but if i had to pick my predator id rather have someone whos not gonna get all dramatic and violent and obnoxious about it lol. Like a shark w all their scary teeth or like a raptor with its hella claws and sharp beak . Just just like a graceful herron whos like kinda respectful to me and is as quiet as it can be before it comes for me, disrupting as little of my life as possible before it kills me, and then you dont even notice it w its little legs and narrow beak, just going like ploop!, i imagine, and nabbing me up before i can realize it lol. Or like the bass, does it even have teeth? Idk i dont imagine it making much of a fuss, just cooly coming by and slurp! In i go, dead! Sure i can accept that probably lol if i had to. Plus its not scary but its not gonna be anyones bitch. Hopefully all animals wont in their own way. But its fun to me how ironic it is that ud think out if all the animals these snake like eels would have the short end of the stick youd think, because they dont even have any damn like legs or arms or barely any teeth! But. They can live allll the way under the ground like a meter under the ground and theyre slippery on purpose so u cant catch them And they can swim as fuck it looks like which is cool. Like its cool when they can survive because of skillz and abilities not just because they got a good bod built like that they dont have to contribute anything about. #ugh english is hard today lol.

On the downside theyre a little ugly and i sure wouldnt wanna touch one all slimy for goodbess sake. And it might get lonely and cold living at the bottom of a river during the day all day erry day. The heck how are you supposed to make friends. Cant even get a spouse which couldve been nice like penguins, they just layy eggs for the dude to fertilize - and then the mon dies! Bummer. But they can live to like 30. For an animal who just idk, doesnt make friends or learn about the world butt who can swim which is cool - i guess thats a substantial amount if time to do enough fish stuff and have a good time with fish things - i like how they doo get to travel. Always thought that was impressive and must be fulfilling like wih geese who fly far- what an accomplishment.

I have class in a few hours and im not a loon i just have some musings as i wait for sleep lolll. So here we are

[kaialone]

I’m gonna ramble about Ganon(dorf) for a bit

Proceed if you’re interested (I wrote a lot)

Okay so I don’t even know how to start this, I’ll just go.

(note that I’ll mention the timeline in this, please dont think that I dont know that the timeline could be changed at any moment should nintendo feel ike it, I just like semi-going by currently established canon. Also please note that I got no problem with people who dont feel like following the timeline for any reason, to each their own.)

I kinda really like the fact that Ganondorf is said to be a reincarnation of Demise, because, idk, somehow the idea of powerful demons needing to reincarnate into human form for some reason, and then once they have this form and live that life they start having human feelings and emotions and start struggling with what they want to be and maybe end up becoming good guys, is just somethign I really enjoy.

(If that sounds weirdly specific, Great Demon King Piccolo from Dragonball is one character with that kinda arc that I love.)

And then of course, one of the most interesting things about Ganondorf, imo, is how in the three different timeline branches, you got one incarnation of Ganondorf who turns out very different in each branch.

Something I always like is to just kinda, look at the different “last words” Ganondorf has in each timeline branch, and what they really mean for each of them:

"The wind... it is... blowing."

“I am the Evil King, Ganon...”

“The history of light and shadow will be written in blood!”

(though this gets a bit muddled in the Downfall Timeline, as technically Ganon died in ALttP, but was revived in OoX,´, which I see as his true death for now, but then again we dunno if any Ganons after that where him revived or reborn so *shrug*)

But first we should talk about the guy that “grows up” to be these other three.

I mean, personally I think no matter how you look at it, OoT!Ganondorf did lots of bad stuff, and wasnt a good ruler to the Gerudo (I dont mind different interpretations at all though), but I do think his initial intentions were good like we hear him talk about in WW, but lets not get ahead of ourselves here.

OoT!Ganondorf doesn’t really end up helping the Gerudo once he actually takes over Hyrule (all the Gerudo are still over in the desert, cept for maybe Iron Knuckles) and its heavily implied all the Gerudo were brainwashed to some extent (The carpenters note that the Gerudo seem nicer, post-Twinrova’s defeat), and Nabooru, who was very respected among the Gerudo, was explicitly against Ganondorf, but then brainwashed into submission.

Like even if you think Twinrova did all that without him knowing, not noticing your parents brainwashing your people doesnt exactly make you a good leader.

Adding to that, if A Link to the Past’s backstory is to be believed (and the timeline is not said to split until Link falls in the final battle) then, Ganondorf entered the hiding place of the Triforce alongside fellow thieves of his, and ended up killing them all so he could have the Triforce for himself.

Buuut before you think I’m just gonna talk about how bad OoT!Ganondorf is, like, I still think he genuinely wanted to help his people (at first) and that everything WW!Ganondorf says does represent his true feelings, and that at some point, he just really wanted to do something good.

I think its interesting to think about why that presumably changed for a while, wether you think its the usual getting mad with power, getting to close to the “dark side” or whatever with all the dark magic going on, or being groomed into this role by Twinrova, or all of that, or something else entirely.

I mean, he definitely did some bad stuff before that too, but in the context of Ganondorf being a reincarnation of Demise, I wonder if it could be possible that either seeing Link and/or Zelda or laying eyes on the Triforce ended up having some effect on him, like awakening some part of Demise within him so to speak, contributing to him losing sight of his initial goals and getting more about power in general.

Notably post timeskip Ganondorf seems to use a lot more monsters/dmemons to do his bidding than before, but this could easily just be the difficulty spike for the player.

Idk if this sounds cheap to people somehow, but I remember a popular theory being that the Triforce of Power turned him evil so, its not that different imo.

Of course, in the final battle we see OoT!Ganondorf become Ganon, presumably for the very first time, but honestly? The transformation itself isn’t that important to me, as it just feels like a visual representation of the downfall Ganondorf had undergone already anyway.

And then, when he is defeated, he infamously curses Link, and ZELDA, and THE SAGES, vowing to kill their descendants once he breaks free from the seal and all...

...which leads into who is everyone’s favorite Ganondorf, and rightfully so, WW!Ganondorf.

Before going into the present day of WW, there is its backstory, which is very interesting to me, cause you just gotta think, how do we go from a guy like OoT!Ganon to WW!Ganon?

At some point after OoT but before WW, Ganondorf’s threat became reality, he broke out of the seal and tried taking over Hyrule once more.

But I cant help but wonder how it mustve felt for him. I picture him for years, decades, centuries maybe, sealed away, picturing his revenge, imagining how great it’ll feel to get free and eradicate the descendants of Link and Zelda, and finally making Hyrule his.

But when he was freed, he likely found a Hyrule that was different from how he remembered it. Notably, there would be no hero, nor descendants of his for him to exact revenge upon. And while we know that a princess seems to have had existed at the time, who knows if she was “a Zelda”, if you wanna call them that.

I just imagine it wouldve felt a lot less satisfying that he imagined, heck, probably wouldve felt more like he was robbed if his chance to take revenge.

And who knows what even happened to the Gerudo by that point? I know lack of them in Wind Waker doesnt mean they are extinct, but for all we know they couldve left hyrule altogether? (Like they seem to have done between OoT and TP, and mightve done post OoT in the Downfall timeline, if you dont think they went extinct)

Overall I could see what Ganondorf mightve pictured/wanted to be his most glorious moment, his long awaited return, mightve just ended up feeling kinda empty.

Not that I think he wouldve done a complete 180 already because of that, but I could see it leaving him in a bit of a shock.

Adding to that, now just as he is about to conquer Hyrule for real, the gods decide to destroy it, essentially. Or at least, thats how Ganondorf felt about the situation, given how he speaks of it in the game. Its like the gods are playing with him, everytime Hyrule is just within his graps, they take it from him.

The flood mustve felt especially terrible for him, cause the way he saw it, it mustve been something like the goddesses saying “we’d rather just end hyrule and kill all its people than have you be its ruler”. What a slap in the face, to put it lightly.

After that, getting sealed away again, and all the stuff I mentioned above, probably gave him time and opportunity to reflect upon his life so far, and the future too.

I dont think that in WW, Ganondorf was just “going through the motions”, and just trying to finish what he started because he had no choice at this point. I do think he still genuinely wanted to try and conquer Hyrule, its just that he has had some time to think about it, a bit more about why he wanted it, and about what he did wrong before, and regretting those mistakes.

Like for example, he really doesnt seem like he wants to harm Link and Zelda anymore, if he can help it. He could be hating them, still furious for what happened during OoT, but he doesnt seem to be.

One of these days I wanna talk about all the contrasts and parallels WW seems to draw to Zelda games that came before it, especially OoT, but for this bit I just wanna mention this one thing.

How in OoT you confront Ganondorf, who smugly plays his leitmotif on the organ, the sound of which growing louder the further you approach his chamber. His back pointed at the entrance which he knows the hero will emerge from. Zelda, encase in a crytal, hangs above him like a trophy, like the hero bait she is to him at this point.

And then in WW, his leitmotif plays in his final dungeon, but actually grow more quiet the closer you get to him. That already makes you feel like, while it invokes OoTs atmoosphere, it actually turns it on its head. And then, when you do cofront him, “Zelda” is instead peacefully sleeping in a bed, (presumably Ganondorfs bed?) with him calmly sitting by her side, watching over her. He doesn’t face Link directly as he enters, but isnt completely turned away from his either.

Of course this scene still has some creepy atmosphere to it, especially when he starts reading her mind, but maaaan, the contrast to OoT (and games that came before it) just GETS ME everytime I just think about it.

Ahhh, I could go on and on like, you all know this stuff, you all thought about him in this game so much, didnt you?

I really hope nintendo will choose to give another Ganondorf this kinda depth, and maybe even just play with the idea of Ganondorf taking on a different role than “final boss” in a Zelda title. I would love that.

Now, let’s turn the clock wayyy back to when Ganon fought Link, and talk about the timeline that occurs when Link is actually killed by him.

To me, this is kinda of the “original” timeline, for various reasons, but I don’t wanna distract from our main man here too long.

In this version of the events, Ganon manages to actually aquire the full Triforce in the final battle of OoT, and causes quite a bit of misery before the Sages finally manage to seal him away in this version, too. But because he is so powerful with the Triforce and all that, it ends up costing a lot more lives to finally get to that point.

Now from that point on, this Ganon seems to just kinda rule the Dark World, a twisted “evil” version of Hyrule of his own creation. And of course most notably, either because of this worlds properties, or his general state of being, this Ganon seemingly always stays in beast form from that point on.

Sadly this one doesnt talk too much (though he is very much capable of doing so), so we dont get much of a grasp on his character.

To me, ALttP!Ganon feels like somewhere in the middle when it comes to Ganons. Despite his bestial appearance, he doesnt seem as blind with power and rage as TP!Ganondorf, maybe cause he doesnt call himself a god or something. But he of course is nowhere near WW!Ganondorf in terms of reasons and having reflecting upon his past.

Either way, it is clear that he is not happy with just ruling his very own personal Hyrule, filled with damned people that have become monsters like him, as in ALttP he does attempt to break his seal and go back to the World of Light

This might just be out of greed, but you could also imagine he might simply be unhappy in this demonic world, or even scared? Given how we see that some inhabitants of this land lose their humanity to such an extent that they’re turning into things like trees, maybe even completely losing their sense of self?

One of the more curious things about ALttP!Ganon is his relationship to Agahnim. No one is entirely sure what they are to one another.

In some of the mangas, Agahnim is portrayed as a human who gets possessed or turned by Ganon in some shape or form, and this portrayal is popular from what I’ve seen.

But in the actual game, Agahnim is described as being Ganon’s alter-ego. The term used in the japanese version is “bunshin”, which can mean a lot of things, including alter-ego or even reincarnation, but in the context of the Zelda franchise, there is another part in the series where it is used. In Phantom Hourglass, Oshus is described as being the “bunshin” of the Ocean King. So, if we assume Agahnim works the same way, his consiusness would have to be exactly Ganon’s, right? Of course that doesn’t mean other interpretations can’t exist, I myself am not even sure what to think.

The usage of the word bunshin does imply that to some extent, Agahnim literally was a part, or offshot of Ganon. So froma  certain point of view, we could add his character to Ganons, if we wanted to.

Something that intrigues me though is that in the Downfall Timeline, we never see Ganon in human form again. Could this be related to Agahnim? Maybe not exactly literally but symbolIcally?

Did Ganon split the humanity he had left off of himself, because that was the only part of him that could exit the Dark World before the seal was lifted?

If so, did Agahnim dying have any effect on him? Or did whatever Agahnim was in the end just return to him?

So much to think about here, ahh.

Of cours, ALttP!Ganon then gets killed by Link in their battle. Not sealed away, just flat out killed.

Normally this would probably be the end, but of course OoX happened, in which Twinrova tried to revive him, but didnt quite succeed.

Ganon is revived as a seemingly mindless beast, only actualy talking in his final moments, which is the quote from earlier.

In the japanese version, this quote is written entirely in katakana, which can indicate that its pronounced weirdly somehow, in cases like this likely because he had a hard time forming the words at all.

He also refers to himself as a Demon King in japanese, but that term hadn’t caught on in the english versions of the games yet.

Okay so, as I kinda mentioned above, this Ganon’s story gets a bit muddled from this point on.

Sometime after ALttP, but before ALbW, ALbW’s backstory (which is not ALttP) occurs, during which a hero fights a Ganon, who is then sealed away by him, the princess and the sages, but we dont know if this Ganon is the same, just revived again, or an entirely new incarnation.

But you could argue that it hardly matters, cause he barely does anything in the game, essentially acting as a power boost for Yuga...

However, there is a theory that he might do more than that actually.

So, according to this theory, Yuga actually was completely loyal to Hilda, and its only by fusing with Ganon that he starts wanting to betray, due to Ganons influence. The theory is nice in the sense that it makes Yuga more of an opposite of Ganon than he seems if you take the game at face value, and gives Ganon more to do. Depending on your interpretation, Yuga might just be influenced by Ganon, or they literally fuse into a being that is just as much Ganon as it is Yuga.

But of course that is just a minor theory, and you dont have to like it, naturally.

After that we get HF and AoL!Ganon, who is said to be more of a mindless beast as this point, no trace left of the human he used to be.

A rather sad fate.

Again it is unclear if this is the same Ganon, revived yet again, or maybe (anotehr) reincarnation.

But if its the former, you can only assume that, even if you dont think Agahnim dying had any effect on Ganon, just forcing him to ressurect over and over instead of letting him reincarnate properly, must’ve done quite the number on Ganon.

Somehow thinking about this version of Ganon in particular makes me think about the cursed boars in Princess Mononoke, who where lost to their anger. Especially the moment when the Wolf faces the Old Boar, who we have seen slowly lose his self at this point, and she almost pitifully says “Can’t you even speak anymore?” to him.

It almost feels like Downfall Timeline!Ganon is cursed by fate, in a sense. Not really in-universe either, but out of universe too!

History is already written (the first two games are already out) and thus Ganon has to follow the path that is already set for him, become what he will be in the future (what he is in the first two games), a frightening monster that terrorizes this kingdom of Hyrule for the sake of power, with no humanity in him (him having been human wasnt part of his character at the time the first two games where released)

I wonder if the demons failing to get Links blood in 2 will mark the end of this Ganon? (I hope not)

It was kinda nice to see BotW seemingly do somewhat of a modern take on this kinda idea of Ganon, something that has become little more than destruction of Hyrule in pyhsical form. I could see people place BotW as post- AoL for that reason, even.

And well, rolling back time yet again, we go to the last way OoT!Ganondorf turned out, which is TP!Ganondorf...

....who, compared to the others, actually has a bit more of a complicated “set-up” that kickstarts his character.

When Link gets send back in time at the end of OoT, his Tiforce of Courage breaks apart into the pieces we find in WW, presumably because Link was literally removed from that reality as he possessed it?

Then upon his arrival in the new Child Timeline, Link immediately gets the Triforce of Courage of THAT timeline, presumably cause he is in a state of being where he is meant to have a Triforce Piece of Courage?

Well, regardless of what you believe to be the cause, this is what happens, and as a result, the other two Triforce pieces choose Zelda and Ganondorf to bear them and end up residing in them. Thats how the pieces ended up with the three without the Sacred Realm being entered in this version of the events.

Link ends up warning Zelda and the king of the events that will transpire in the future, and thus Ganondorf loses the trust of the king and is unable to set his plan from OoT into motion.

Its a bit vague, but sometime after that Ganondorf starts a direct attack towards Hyrule, but gets captured and put on trial.

And as you know, as he was about to be executed, the Triforce of Power activated and saved him from death.

Now I am not sure if this is true, but I think up until that point, Ganondorf didn’t even know he had it.

But wether he discovered he had it now, or the moment it fist came to him, one thing I am sure of, he mustve felt so great for it. Cause he has no idea that a time travelling Link caused this to happen, right? From his perspective, the power of the gods just came to him like that because he is that great! And then, he cant even die as a result of this? He is literally immortal? Well, he must be the dang chosen one, right?

No wonder he got all god complex in this one!

Something I´m kinda interested in is how this guy spend years, likely centuries, in the Twillight Realm, and if his form in there is any indication, not exactly in physical form either, I mean isnt it implied he HAD to mae use of Zant like that in order to be able to have a physical form like that?

Ultimately TP!Ganondorf just is a lot like OoT!Ganondorf if you think about it, just kinda taken to a more extreme. He is no longer just human, but has transcended humanity much further than OoT!Ganondorf has, and feels superior to everyone because of it.

He is absolute in his own eyes, he is a god, his eventual victory is certain, his battle with the hero just a formality at this point.

And he sticks to that mindset until the very end, even as he is stabbed and fatally wounded by Link. It only makes sense, he couldnt be stopped by this before, why would it stop him now?

Of course the events that follow are rather vague, and people argue about what it means to this day, but I think it ultimately boils down to Ganondorf biting of more than he can chew, overestimating his own power. Or rather, what he thinks is his own power, cause its not even his.

From the moment he was impaled by the sword of the sage, Ganondorf has been a dead man.

He has only been kept alive afterwards through the power of others, the gods, and Zant as well.

This power was not his, and thus it could just leave him just as quick as it came to him.

The imagine of Zant snapping his neck, to me, either just refers to the fact that with Zant dead, who acted as Ganondorf anchor of sorts, Ganondorf himself dies as well, or it refers to the fact that Ganondorf, who saw himself as a god and superior to everything, was ultimately just as much of a mortal and simple being than the very person who worshipped him as a deity the most.

Yes, you could call Zant the very person that made Ganondorf a god in the first place, in more ways than one, so without him, Ganondorf is a god no more. And he dies just like any mortal would.

Ultimately this Ganondorf story feels like a story of hubris.

Simple, but neat.

(Its interesting like, its almost like, TP!Ganondorf was a human who longed to be a god, and WW!Ganondorf was like a god who longed to be human?)

But, do not think it ends here...

We’ve looked at all the people that OoT!Ganondorf grew up to be, but that isn’t all the Ganons there is, the story of Ganon actually continues further down the Child Timeline.

Yes, this brings us to FSA!Ganon, or as I sometimes like to call him, Ganon II.

I understand that most probably never played this game, and I probably won’t blow your minds if I tell you Ganon doesn’t actually do much in this game but, I still like to think about him.

He’s actually a proper reincarnation of TP!Ganondorf, folowing the latter’s death at the end of TP.

From some dialouge in-game we know a little bit about his past. Like his past life, he was a boy born to the Gerudo people, and was named Ganondorf.

Interestingly, in this game, the Gerdudo dont actually say that every 100 years a male child is born, they that every 100 years a “special” child is born, and of course Ganondorf was that special child. They still mention the “only man” part, but it doesnt come up with the “every 100 years” line.

Notably it also doesnt seem that Ganondorf was supposed to be their king, and it doesnt seem like they ever treated him like a king, they only mention he was supposed to be the protector of the Gerudo people and the desert.

This is just speculation, but perhaps, after what happened to the first Ganondorf, the Gerudo people decided it wasnt a good idea to treat the sole male like a king just because.

The Gerudo in the game tell you that the older Ganndorf became, the more twisted and obsessed with power he became, and eventually he started breaking their laws, too.

When he entered the forbidden pyramid, the Gerudo basically considered him banished from their tribe, but also didnt think he would ever survive in there and presumed him to be dead.

The Gerudo in this game really only talk badly about Ganondorf, which probably makes sense if he really just did bad stuff to them, but its a very stark contrast to OoT where the Gerudo seemed to just let Ganondorf get away with everything, kinda.

Something I wonder about if maybe like, Ganondorf wasn’t exactly treated well by the Gerudo, out of fear of him turning out like the old Ganondorf, or if Ganondorf just turned bad all on his own. Or maybe a mixture of both?

What is sorta interesting is the story of how this one came to be Ganon, which is that within the pyramid, he found a certain Trident, which is implied to have caused him to “awake as Ganon”, so to speak, as he picked it up. This is the inscription found with the Trident:

“Seek...you...the world? Seek you...power? Does your...soul...despise peace and...thirst for... more? Does your soul...cry... for...destruction and... conquest? We...grant you...power to ...ruin...the world. The power of...darkness. Evil...spirit of magic trident. You are...the... King of Darkness.“

The trident feels like it has more out of universe meaning than in-universe (though I do headcanon it to be a reincarnated ghirahim somehow, because I can). The trident being a weapon that franchise-wise is heavily associated with Ganon, and notably Ganon only, as Ganondorf is never really seen wielding a literal trident.

This Ganondorf picks up the trident, and with it the legacy of the interpretations of Ganons that came in the games before this one, so to speak.

I´m sorry for this part being so unstructured, but interestingly, Ganondorf is this game is referred to as “ancient demon reborn”, or something like “instrument of evil reborn” in japanese, hinting that even at the time of the game’s release, this Ganon was probably intended to be the reincarnation of a previous evil, likely a previous Ganon, of course.

What I wonder about is how much this Ganon is aware of that, though. When he grew up, becoming more and more twisted, did he know? Did he know he was the reincarnation of a villain that had previously plagued Hyrule? Did he feel his hatred? Did he know whose it was, or did he consider it his own? Or was it simply his own?

And when he picked up the trident, and transformed into a demon beast, did he understand what this meant? What he was? Did he ever obtain any memories of his past self, even?

Something that hints that this /might/ be the case is Shadow Link.

Now Shadow Link is not actually created by the dark mirror from the evil part of Link’s heart as the english localization suggest. Instead its created from the evil part of Ganon’s heart, using the dark mirror. It is said that through the mirror,the hatred and evil of Ganondorf, throughout time, took on the shape of Link. Likely because the hero is a major subject of Ganondorf’s hatred.

The fact that this happened when FSA!Ganon used the mirror, despite himself never having met Link up until that point, hints that he might, at least subconsiously, harbor the memories of his past incarnations?

But really, as usual there is a lot open to interpretation.

I´m just so intrigued, like in this timeline there is a “second Ganon”, a Ganon that came “after”, someone who had to take on this cruel legacy.

And, with that we have now talked about all the Ganon(dorf)s that have existed in the franchise to this day, not counting stuff like BS Zelda and the CDI-Games.

If you stuck around until this point, thank you so much, you’re too kind!

But also thanks to everyone that just skimmed this or looked it over briefly, I hope this wall of text did something for you. 

(Sorry for any typos I... type too fast when I get excited about a topic.)