#i got two essays due friday...zero of them are started

[bookwyrminspiration]

born to stare into the sun forced to write essays </3

[metalheadcowboy]

Steve stared down at the paper on his desk, reading over the instructions. He got it. But the real problem started when he got to the passages. There were two and he had to compare and contrast them, easy. Or that’s what he thought.

He read each one over and over again, but couldn’t seem to retain any information from either. He either found himself reading it, but his brain was actually drifting off thinking about something else so he remembered nothing of what he just read or just not comprehending any of what he just read.

It was  the most frustrating thing, sitting there and trying to do what the assignment said to do but just not being able to. Every time he tried to start his essay he didn’t even know where to begin, only getting out the first sentence before having to go back to the passages again.

He had a week to do it, and for a week he tried. He tried so fucking hard, rereading everything what felt like a million times, even trying to make notes and yet he couldn’t get what needed to be written onto the paper.

He couldn’t even count the number of times he cried over this. Hands gripping and pulling at his hair as he tried not to let any tears fall onto his paper, not that it would matter because there was no writing there to smudge anyways. 

The more he stared at the blank sheet of paper and the front and back page of instructions the less motivation he felt to do it. And it wasn’t that he wasn’t trying because he was, trying harder than he ever had it felt like, but he just couldn’t do it.

Finally, the night it was due he came downstairs and broke down to her. He poured out his emotions and all he got in return was,

“Then you’re going to stay up all night and finish it. You can’t just not turn something in, Steven.”

And he was furious. He wanted to punch something to, scream, so he did. He ran up to his room and just yelled, releasing all the tension from his body into one hefty scream, throwing his fists into his mattress before collapsing into a heap on his bed.

He was beyond exhausted, as he laid in a mess of strewn about limbs and drying tears being wet by new ones. His brain felt congested, like what he had was in there he just couldn’t get it out. He didn’t even want to look over at his desk, just wanted to wallow there in a pool of his own self pity.

But it weighed on him, the thought of not turning in the assignment. The thought of it being graded and put in as a zero tore him apart. He was conflicted, stress himself out more trying to finish it or worry himself to death by not turning it in.

He finished it. With the thought of the date he had planned with Billy on Friday night as motivation he finished it, turned it in, and had never been more proud of himself.

That night while he was getting ready for his date he played his favorite record and danced around the room, putting on his favorite shirt, his jeans, and his Nike’s before the phone on his bedside table started ringing. He quickly turned down the music and went to pick it up.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Stevie.” Steve would know that voice from a mile away, a smile quickly spread across his face.

“Hey, Bills,” he responded, curling the phone chord around his finger, bottom lips caught between his teeth.

“I’ve got some bad news.” Steve’s stomach instantly dropped. “I can’t make it to our date tonight.”

Maybe it shouldn’t have been such a big deal, maybe he shouldn’t have felt so heartbroken and distraught over it. It was one date, right? Yes, but to Steve it was the one thing he had to look forward to, like the light at the end of the tunnel. It was the one thing he was holding onto and now that it had evaporated right before his eyes, he was devastated.

“I hate to do this to you so last minute, ‘m just not feelin’ too hot and- are you okay?” Okay, so maybe Steve wasn't’ the best at hiding how he was feeling. He sniffled, vigorously wiping at the tears welling up in his eyes, taking a second to compose himself before talking.

“Yeah, yeah, totally,” he responded, willing his voice not to crack, “I’m fine, just got some allergies, y’know pollen ‘n shit’s crazy right now. But, no worries, just feel better, okay babe? Maybe i can bring you some soup later or something if you’re up to it.”

There was a moment of silence and what sounded like Billy blowing his nose, “You’re the best, pretty boy.” And that made Steve smile a little bit, “we can share my tissues, it’ll be really romantic.”

Steve let out a weak laugh, “Mhm, sounds like it, a chicken noodle soup dinner that we can’t even taste because we’re so stopped up while we listen to... what is that?” He tried to pick up on the soft music playing in the background of the phone call.

“The Bee Gees,” Billy spoke and Steve was grinning now, maybe not all hope was lost.

“Ah, perfect,” Steve leaned his hip against his nightstand, “I’ll be over about... seven?”

“Oh, you were serious?” Billy questioned, but he didn’t sound opposed to the idea.

“As the flu, well maybe now’s not the right time to be saying that-” he was cut off by a weak laugh on Billy’s end.

“It’s a date, see you at seven, pretty boy.”

“See you then, hot stuff.”

[cloud9in]

The Half of It

A Mc x Poppy fic inspired by the film 

Summary: Bea, the town’s outcast is recruited by the school jock to win Poppy’s heart. But what happens when she starts falling for her as well?

Author’s Note: So this will be a multiple part series that includes scenes heavily inspired from the movie “The Half of It”. I certainly recommend watching it. My version will have different twists and a different ending, and definitely more angst. It will include mature themes as the story progresses.

Warnings for this chapter: Swearing. This is a good thing for now.

Chapter 1- 

“Love is simply the name for desire and pursuit of the whole.”

                                                   - Plato, The Symposium

It is said that when one half finds its other, there’s an unspoken understanding. A unity. And each would know no greater joy....than this. 

 ...Except this is highschool. And in my opinion, there is no other half. Maybe the other half is a paper on Greek God philosophy due at midnight. But make that four papers, including mine. 

 My name is Bea Hughes and let’s just say...this is not a very happy story. Well maybe some parts are, but you’ll have to read to find out. I come from a small town called Farmsville, and when I mean small, I mean really small. Except the highschool seems fucking huge, with never ending hallways and when you do somehow find the end, there’s usually two inbreds eating each others mouths off. Lucky for me I am the epitome of antisocial, reserved, an introvert, or whatever the inferior beings, aka every other senior, calls me when they think I can’t hear. But I hear everything, including that one time Bradley Denbrough, upcoming hotshot actor, or so he claims, found out about a crush a poor unsuspecting freshman had on him. Everybody knew what Bradley and his goons did to that boy, even the adults, but no charges were pressed. This town is as conservative as it gets, but no one knows of my secret. I carry this school on my back when it comes to having everyone graduate, but that’s all I am to them, a pawn. And that’s all I wanted to be, nothing more and nothing less. I preferred to be in the shadows. 

 ***

 ...Except the mandatory Senior Talent Show forced Bea out of her hibernation hole. The thought haunted her as she sat in the dance studio, the last fucking place she wanted to be. Dance was so not a Bea kinda thing, but the blonde knew exactly why she granted herself the misery of picking the class. Poppy Min Sinclair, the golden girl of Farmsville High, the preacher’s daughter on a more serious note. She is...the most fascinating girl Bea ever laid her eyes on even if her boyfriend was a complete asshole who sermonized his duties as her future husband. Like seriously? Poppy has got to have some screws loose to date such a fake loser who plagiarizes all of his speeches at sunday church, and once literally begged Bea to write an apology letter to his father for him after completely upending their summer cabin. Except the blonde wrote the opposite of an apology, it went something like this…

 Dear beloved donkey, I mean dad,

 I am terribly sorry for inviting 20 hookers to the summer cabin. I have these strange impulses and you should at least be grateful I didn’t invite the big boss as well. His wife came though, in many, many ways. You should get the carpet changed. 

 Sincerely, your STD free son

 It was safe to say that Mr. Denbrough had a near heart attack after reading it, and Bea did kinda feel bad, kinda. He never mentioned the letter to Bradley though, instead silently calling up the owner of Teopoli Catholic Summer Camp and essentially deporting the boy to Canada for the summer. No son of his would end up in hell was what the old man preached everyday from then on. It was the quietest summer Bea had ever experienced. 

 Being the towns outcast, Bea could have her fun when she so chooses to, but that didn’t pay the bills. In fact, the multiple essays that people paid her to write was her way of surviving and taking care of her mother. They weren’t very rich but Bea worked with what she had, helping her mother manage the farm, which included getting on her knees and wrestling the pigs. And that’s how she was gifted the name “pig girl”, stupid Bradley and his fake friends just had to wander too far and catch Bea in the act. She swore a remixed video of her hog calling surfaced the web at one point and that gave the blonde her five minutes of fame. Boy was it an awful time in her life. 

 Bea worked her mother’s previous job as station master or signalman for the trains that passed through, even if it barely paid her shit. The secluded feeling of sitting in that booth and having a moment with her thoughts was enough to give her purpose. Bea was fond of poetry and it usually helped her come up with song lyrics.

 Song lyrics…

 That she would have to sing at the talent show. A huge sigh escaped her lips as she slumped further into the ground, maybe hoping she could bury herself six feet under. It wasn’t that Bea hated singing, no she absolutely loved it. Playing her guitar at night and belting out lyrics that only resulted in her mother banging on the ceiling below in efforts to shut the blonde up. But the mere fact that she’d have to sing in front of the ruthless seniors rubbed her the wrong way. Something would go wrong, it always did. Bea was shaken out of her thoughts when Poppy crossed the center of the room, moving her hips slowly to the sound of Rihanna’s voice. The class chose a slow r&b song to choreograph today and of course all eyes were on Poppy.

 If i’m your girl say my name boy

let me know i'm in control

 Her silky blonde locks swayed as she danced to the beat, hands thrusting sensually along her sides. Bea stared in awe, almost like Poppy was the only one in the room and a spotlight illuminated every movement, every curve. Except she definitely wasn’t the only one picturing Poppy in that way. Carter, the school quarterback leaned against the railing, arms crossed and eyes trailing the rise and fall of her chest. 

 Got me wondering, I’m wondering if i'm on your mind

 Bea sat up straighter but nearly lost her bodily functions when Poppy locked eyes with her before spinning away. It was simple eye contact Bea, don’t let it get to your head. You already have multiple lyrics inspired by Poppy offering the bare minimum in human interaction. She doesn’t actually like you. Poppy is popular and has the perfect life...and boyfriend, even if Bea heavily disagrees. Poppy was a bitch of course, but not a bitch bitch. Unlike the other wannabe mean girls, the blonde didn’t give Bea hell, well that was because the girl paid her zero attention. She seemed distant, off in her own world, or well in her parents world learning the strategies of business. Poppy was expected to follow in her parents footsteps and keep up with her reputation of being the richest in town, and of course a faithful future wife. So fun. But the blonde had other prosperous dreams of travelling and following her passion of music and dance. Highschool was her only outlet and she took advantage of it any chance she’d get. Bea knew this because she would ride her bike every friday night to the school and watch Poppy dance from outside the glass window. Maybe Bea realized it was kinda creepy, but she’s dumb enough to not realize her obvious growing attraction. I mean who pedals miles just to watch someone trip on their feet? 

 ***

 The sound of the bell caught everyone's attention and the teacher slowly lowered the music. Bea watched as Bradley approached Poppy and smothered her with kisses and praises. She rolled her eyes painfully, this kind of PDA definitely wasn’t it, she could have gone her whole life without seeing that. She walked silently through the crowd of kids in the hall, everyone was laughing and talking to their friends. All Bea could allow her mind to focus on was the very intimidating billboard of names a few feet across from her. 

 Winter Talent Show Sign-Ups (Mandatory For Seniors)

 Bea glared at it quietly before signing her name on the sheet, sealing her inevitable fate. Through the hustle of students, Carter watched the blonde with a yearning look from afar. This should be great…

 The next few classes were a blur and Bea eventually found herself getting up to hand Ms. Kingsley her paper. The older woman looked at her with a knowing glance as she took a generous sip of her coffee, which was 75% tequila.

 “6 different interpretations on Plato? Colour me impressed Miss Hughes.” 

 Bea shrugs nonchalant, “yeah well would you rather read their actual essays?”

 “Oh hell no.” Kingsley feigns shock as she looks at the stack of papers with a comical expression. She takes another sip, watching her younger, prodigy of a student carefully. “You know there are places outside of this godforsaken town where you can put your talents to use... Real use. I teach at Belvoire University occasionally.” Ina winks and slides Bea an application, studying her initial reaction. “It’s...in New York.”

“Damn right! The Big Apple.”

 “Kingsley you know I have to stay here. It’ll be easier for me to manage the farm and be close to home”, Bea says confidently even though her body language displays otherwise. She predicted the big sigh filling her ears before it actually happened and it still managed to faze her. “Who ever said you had to do anything? What about what you want to do?” Bea doesn’t make eye contact with Ina, that woman could convince you to do just about anything with a certain look. “No we are not doing this. You can take your reverse psychology and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. I’m outta here.” The blonde stomps out of the classroom, the sound of Ina’s chuckles still ringing in her ears.

 “Hey! Everyone in this town fears God, but you know what God fears? My ability to hide a bottle of Don Julio in my left boot.” Ina pulls out the newly bought bottle and cradles it. “Come to mama.”

 ***

 Bea rode her bike alongside the dirt road, Kingsley’s words on replay the entire ride. Maybe she did deserve to experience something more than what this town had to offer. But would her mother manage without her? Sacrifices, sacrifices. Bea was used to making those for her mother after her father’s death. What would her dad think of all of this?

 “Hey!”

 He’d surely smack Bea upside the head for the little antics she pulled occasionally. And then he’d buy her vanilla coconut ice cream and ask for every single detail of what happened as they sat and laughed together. That’s the kind of relationship Bea would have had with her father, she liked to assume so. She also liked to assume that she’d get home safely everyday without a scratch, but then there’s Carter.

 “Hey wait up!” 

 The jock seemed to be running ridiculously fast and crashed right into the rear end of Bea’s bicycle, sending her face first into a mount of dirt. The initial impact was enough to boost the blonde straight back up like nothing happened and into a fighting stance, fists out and eyes wild. Very scary Bea. When she realized it was him...well it only pissed her off even more. “What the fuck Carter! You asshole!”

 “I’m sorry Bea! Here let me help-”

 “No! Move away! You- my bike- I…” Bea groans frustratingly, stepping away from the wreck as she tries to catch her breath. Carter watches her sheepishly, rubbing an envelope between his fingers awkwardly. After a few minutes of painfully uneasy silence he speaks up, “Okay...I didn’t want to ask you this way but I was wonder-”

“Oh, so you practically break my ass and now you want me to do you a favour? Real nice way of communication you have there Mr. Quarterback. What is with you and those freakishly large muscles anyways? Maybe it’s my fault I didn’t hear your avalanche built ass coming from behind.”

 “Hey! They are not freakishly large!”

 “I hate to break it to you Jackson but mine are significantly more appealing to look at.” Bea smirks widely, flexing her arm as best as she could. It’s a work in progress… just bare with her.

 It didn’t take much effort for Carter to break out into a smile and look at her fondly. Maybe there was more to this girl than just being a human dictionary. Well that’s what people called her, and he maybe believed it at first.

 Bea noticed the lack of response and shifted awkwardly, clearing her throat. “Listen, its $10 for three pages, $20 for three to ten, I'm not in the over-ten-page biz.”

 “No..no I’m not here to cheat!” Carter blurts out. “But I’ll let you know if I do plan on- anyways. I uh..” He hesitates before handing her the envelope. “What’s this?

 “Well you see it’s a letter..”

 “Yeah but who writes letters these days?”

 “I thought it seemed romantic..”

 “And I thought women writing Jeffrey Dahmer letters in jail seemed romantic”, Bea says sarcastically, her smile dropping instantly after catching a glimpse of Poppy’s name at the top of the paper. It was like the blood stopped flowing through her body for a few seconds as her mouth went dry. This had to be the work of the so-called God everyone praised in this town, or it was one cruel coincidence. Bea wasn’t sure why seeing her name made her heart beat ten times harder, but it also wasn’t a necessarily uncomfortable feeling…

 “I- I can’t help you.”

 “But if you just add a few more words-”

 “I’m not writing a letter to Poppy Min Sincla- to..to some girl for you. Letters are supposed to be authentic, from the heart, your own words, your...feelings.” Bea hurriedly turns to grab her bike, suddenly losing all interest in being social. 

 Carter was afraid this would happen. But he was stubborn. “But I can pay more for authentic!” 

 Too bad Bea was stubborn as well. “Just get a thesaurus...Good luck, Romeo.”

***

 Bea sat in her room, strumming away softly at the strings of her guitar. Some of the keys were off but the old thing still worked, and that was good enough for her. She could hear the tv blasting downstairs, her mother most likely watching the news. There’s something about old people and news, were they secretly ogling the news anchors? Just like Bea ogled Poppy any chance she could. The blonde frowned to herself, her eyebrows crunching together in question. What so hard about writing a letter to Poppy? It’s not like it's coming from her. Well it technically is, but Carter is taking the credit and Bea never had a problem with people taking credit for her words. So why did this very thought prove to be such an inconvenience? Lucky for Bea, her mind drifted elsewhere when she heard a painful snap. Even if it wasn’t physically connected to her body, she felt a horrible ache. Slowly peering down at the guitar in her hand, Bea found that the neck of the guitar had miraculously split almost clean off, a splinter of wood just holding it intact. She wanted to scream but nothing really came out, except air of course. Much to her disapproval, this was definitely a result of her strength. Stupid muscles couldn’t contain themselves at the thought of Carter being with Poppy. Now how could that be? 

 But now she had no guitar. And no guitar means no strings to strum, and no lyrics to sing, and no talent to show at the talent show. Now she was in trouble. Probably because she knew that the only way to get the money to replace the guitar would be through sealing the deal with Carter. Oh fuck it!

 ***

 “One letter. And enough money to buy a new guitar.”

 “Deal!”

 Bea turns away with a sigh, completely ignoring Carter’s high five. Now all she had to do was write this letter, and pray that Poppy wouldn’t completely consume every fiber of her being in the process.

                                 -------------------------------------------

End note: So how we feelin’? Carter and Bea Brotp??

Tags: @samanthadalton @somewillwin @clowneryme @baexpoppy @zigxryanz @uselesslesbianfr @aleiramacaii @thedaft1 @alexlabhont @iamsimpforpoppy

[hellcheer-munson]

the reason people are “harassing” you this time around is because everyone has slowly become aware that this wasn’t a one time thing. it’s happened so many times before, especially since the beginning of the year. i’ve stayed out of all of the drama and preferably just watched as it all played out, but people are frustrated because they all feel like it’s just for attention- which, not attacking you, but it seems like it is.

No offence, but why did you feel the need to message me this? And this isn’t exactly “staying out of the drama” or “not attacking”. 

SO THIS IS AT ALL MY FOLLOWERS BUT ESPECIALLY ANY HATERS

Look, there’s been a lot going on - and the reason Sunday night went as bad as it did was because I had a bad weekend, and things in my real life have been shitty as fuck. I haven’t spoken about HALF of the shite going on, but I’ll do it now since apparently I need to explain why I had a meltdown.

The Katherine/Instagram incident was only the tip of the iceberg - and underneath it was a lot of real life stuff involving work, family, and university stress. Below the cut is a better explanation, but if you read it don’t come crying to me about triggering because I’m warning you now that I talk about my depression. I’m not going into explicit detail regarding the relapse side of things, but I do mention relapse and depression.

First of all, my final university essay was due last Thursday night; I got ZERO sleep over last week because I stressed out about it. And then, when I thought I had finished it and gotten it down, it turned out I submitted the wrong document and accidentally submitted an application to be student ambassador from sixth form three/four years ago. I didn’t realize until Sunday, when I checked my uni emails and full-out panicked/hated myself for being so stupid.

You Marvel fans will know Infinity War just released; I was only supposed to work the Saturday, but got saddled covering for someone I don’t like on the Friday evening too. Safe to say, I hate cinema goers, especially those who bring young children/parties of children/complain about every tiny thing/leave fuck tons of mess. “My milkshake isn’t thick enough” - dude, I didn’t make it, I just showed you to your seat. “Your popcorn tastes disgusting” - again, not my problem, that’s the managers’ fault because they haven’t bothered to fix the popcorn machine and we’re using old pre-made popcorn. Don’t even get me started on the amount of popcorn I had to sweep up.

Speaking of my cinema job, I’ll be talking about that in a separate post but long story short: the managers are cunts. Really. Long story short, I won’t be remaining there much longer.

I’ve been preparing to intern for MuggleNet, which isn’t too stressful but still, it’s something that’s really important to me because it’s something related to a fandom I love. So I want to do an amazing job for them.

Money problems - related to job because my work/managers are dicks who cancelled half my shifts because the less people they have to pay, the bigger bonus they get. So I’ve had to struggle to pay bills/travel expenses so I can go to therapy.

Oh, yeah, to everyone saying “you need to get help”, “get some therapy” etc. I AM. STOP MESSAGING ME THIS. I have a counselor, and I’m scheduled to go to CBT every week too. So I AM at least trying to get better, please stop acting like I’m not.

Have I mentioned that my parents keep threatening to throw me out? Just because I don’t feel comfortable talking to them, and they act like that means I’m a trouble child; not a week goes by where they don’t express their disappointment in me for going to uni instead of getting a full-time job.

Fanfiction - notice how I haven’t posted any fanfiction lately? Except for my Daniels and Walter one? I’ve been trying but I’ve been so tired and unable to break through my writers block that I can’t think of anything, and I feel so guilty for it.

Honestly? I’m still really upset about my nan dying last summer. Before anyone says “oh that was ages ago get over it”, DON’T. I spent most of my life with my nan, she was there the day I was born, she babysat me every week for eighteen and a half years until she got sick, she was the person I spoke to when I felt upset or angry, and she was literally the most generous and loving person I’ve ever met. Her being gone has left a massive hole in my life that nothing can heal - let me grieve her, I’m allowed to still be devastated over losing her.

What happened on Sunday happened because of people hacking someone else and invading her privacy - and those two people were people I spoke to regularly. I was already angry with both of them because they were messaging me and blaming each other all day, and I was sick of it. Yes, my reaction - i.e. relapsing and being an emotional mess - was a bit too much, I dealt with it the wrong way and shouldn’t have did the things I did/said the things I said. I fully admit that, and it was a blip.

My mental health issues aren’t an excuse for it, I know, but things have been difficult and I’m working on getting better. 

Like I said, I’m going to talk about the cinema/job thing in another post since that’s what’s been causing me to feel low, but for now I’m going to leave this post here since I’m currently training on skype for the internship.

[segadores-y-soldados]

Personal and Fic Updates

Hey everyone!

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve done one of these personal update messages.  I’m trying to get my stuff in order but life continues to outpace me, it seems.

The quick and dirty: Fic Stuff:

Moira has been integrated into the overarching plot of “And Overwatch For All”

Because of this, I am currently rewriting major portions of Old Habits.  Yesterday, I finished a major rewrite of chapter 10 (the “evil council is introduce” chapter).  I have the majority of chapter 11′s rewrite done and hope to finish that today as well.  With luck, I will start working on a rewrite of Chapter 13.

Shockingly, I’m keeping a lot of the “present day” plot elements the same (aka, all the stuff leading up to Recall).  But several major “past events” have changed, including Reaper/Gabriel’s backstory.

More on this later.  I will also be writing a separate post JUST for fic stuff, if you prefer to read only that.

Personal Stuff:

Extra expenses have started showing up in my life.  Details are under the cut.

My job has not yet promoted me and a coworker the way they said they would in the timeframe they gave us (1 year).  Because of this, I am starting the job hunt again.

I have created a Ko-Fi (https://ko-fi.com/U7U063ZJ)

More under the cut

Alright, so here’s the longer version of what my last like...three months have been like, with both personal/work stuff and fandom stuff.

Personal life/Work:

I have said this in a few places, but I currently work as an entry-level archaeologist for a state department in California.  Full disclosure: I and my fellow coworker are underpaid for our work, which is as variable as conducting documentation research through databases and organizing research on behalf of our higher-level archaeologist and historian supervisors to performing surveys and actual fieldwork digs in every type of weathers in California.  As an example, two weeks ago (the week of Thanksgiving here in the U.S.), myself and one of my supervisors did an 8 hour fieldwork day which consisted of 3-4 hours of surveying through waist-high grass in pouring rain at 55 degrees F/12 degrees C.  This upcoming week, I and (other underpaid) coworker will be doing two 12-hour days of construction monitoring.  Our work consists of traveling all over the state, with driving that can take a full day to get to a work destination (these are charged to work, don’t worry - I don’t have to pay for that, thank god).

The reason I’m explaining this is because this is a huge reason why some days (or even some weeks) my activity on tumblr, twitter, and AO3 will take a straight nosedive.  On Thursday of this past week, I spent 8-10 hours without checking my phone and came home to 4 missed calls, 8 “active chats” on messenger, 600 messages on discord, and basically a whole day of “social media-ing” missed out.  

If you’re rolling your eyes over this, I get it, I really do - it sounds like all the stuff that older people complain millennials “overvalue,” but (for example) one of those phone calls was from my dentist’s office saying that they will not serve me because (after three months of them NOT checking) they realized that I don’t have the right dental insurance for them.

Fun.

I don’t make enough money to switch to higher, “better services” health and dental insurance, but since I work a job that requires physical labor, I’m scared to cut them from my life.  Said coworker twisted his ankle earlier this year, and work only compensated him for 1 week of “missed” work, when in reality he was walking with a slight limp for 2-3 weeks.  Because of our low-level, we are not given access to benefits that many other state workers get.

Moreover, our sub-department has been promising that the two of us would get promoted “within the year.”  We reached a year working with them in mid-November, and that promise still hasn’t been reached.

So in terms of my personal life, I’m at a cross-roads: I will tell them that they need to promote us, even to the next “low-level position” because that will give us just a few more $/hour which will help A LOT when accumulated, or I’m going to tell them that I’ll have to search for something else.

On top of this, my parents have decided it’s time for me to “pay rent” to live at home with them - a discussion we, frankly, haven’t had on a serious level yet and one which blindsided me this morning.  I am looking into my options but without a better job, they’re not good.

This also doesn’t cover whatever it will take to help me start the legal and medical processes of transitioning, which are, frankly, the main things I’ve been saving money for.

What does this mean:

I’m looking for places to cut costs, but the combination of current expenses + what my parents want from me will take 1/3 to 1/2 of my current monthly paycheck.  I already spend next to nothing on personal stuff, so all my current expenses are “necessities” such as food, gas, and insurance.  I’m looking to cut down on gas costs but it may be awhile before my daily schedule gets adjusted.

The alternate is taking a second job that will permit me to only work my free three days a week.

Doing this means I will have zero time to write or produce content.

For now, I’m not jumping out to do that.  I’ve made a Ko-Fi account (https://ko-fi.com/U7U063ZJ) that I would greatly appreciate any spare money you’re willing to contribute.  Something as simple as a few dollars can go to me covering the cost of my health insurance per month, while I figure out the bigger problems of searching for a job.

The reason why I started with this is because:

Fic Stuff/Writing Stuff:

I do the equivalent of 3-4 full days of “writing” for fandom stuff per week: on my days off, I can write anywhere from 8 to 14 hours a day.  Using just Friday and yesterday as an example, I wrote 9k words, and with whatever I do today, I will likely push that to about 11-12k.

Yes, it is all voluntary, and I do not have to write at the pace that I do, nor the amount that I do.  I do it because I enjoy it, and because, honestly, writing for Overwatch has given me some of the biggest joys and happiness I have felt in like, a decade.  And that includes writing the long essays.  My last big R76 post (http://segadores-y-soldados.tumblr.com/post/167321630835/everything-you-want-to-know-about-reaper-and) spans a whopping 67 pages and 7.5k words in Google Docs (that includes pictures and sources/credits/links/references).

Again, this isn’t to brag, but just to put my writing into perspective, I guess.  This is the equivalent of doing a second part-time job, which was something I attempted last year but was unable to balance my current archaeology job + a part-time retail job + writing.  I dropped the second one because, at the time, I finally had the luxury to choose a job in my profession and writing on the side.  This is a luxury I was fortunate to enjoy for the first half of 2017, but it is steadily becoming undoable as my work increases my responsibilities without increasing my pay.

Fic Updates:

For those of your who have been waiting patiently for information on “And Overwatch for All” I do have some good news that I’m finally ready to share:

Moira has been integrated into the plot.

I got a number of comments here and on twitter that were really supportive of my current version of “AOFA” and I just want to say, thank you all so much.  It means a lot to me that you guys have liked the version of Overwatch I’ve built up and that you found all the characters, including my silly OCs, to be engaging and well-written.  It was soul-crushing to think I would have to lose some of them, but after some time and doing more research on Moira, I feel ready to talk more about her and how she’s going to factor into the updated plot.

To start off with:

None of the OCs will be cut, but some of their roles will change.

Lmao, this surprised me as well, but I’ve figured out a few different ways to make all of the OCs, especially the very obviously contrived “Death Agents,” stick around in the updated plot.

Only one OC (and you can probably guess who, if you’ve started “New Wars”) will change names: the character called “Reaper” in “New Wars Chapter 1″ (the “young Hanzo chapter”) will be called “Reaver.”  This is due to his updated role in the plot.  His background has changed only slightly.

If it wasn’t apparent, this “Reaper” was meant to act as a plot device to cause confusion over Gabriel/Reaper’s actions after the fall of Overwatch, but that has changed because:

I’m switching to Crisis-era and “undercover mercenary” Reaper.

If you’ve read some of my more recent posts on Moira, you’ll know that I’ve switched over to supporting the idea that “something went wrong with Gabriel Reyes during SEP/the Crisis.”  This is due to the fact that you can find a folder labeled “Soldier ID: 24″ in Moira’s Oasis lab, that Michael Chu said that Reyes was interested in getting her help on “matters of genetics,” and that this appears to mesh the “Reaper has existed for decades” concept in Reaper’s hero profile.

Truth be told, I’ve actually been a supporter of this idea of “Gabriel has been Reaper behind the scenes for decades” plot point for a long, long time, almost as long as I’ve been posting Old Habits.  “Reaper”/“Reaver” was semi-messy OC that attempted to bridge Reaper’s original hero profile with the “Old Soldiers” explanation that Gabriel/Reaper gave that “Jack and Overwatch ‘left [him] to suffer.’”  However, I also knew when writing Old Habits that the “Mercy is evil” theory was ALSO not true, so I was kinda stuck:

“If Gabriel = Reaper for decades, why did he appear to blame Jack and Overwatch for his current condition?”

My original solution was to make “Reaper” a different character and have him operating the situation in the background (like a mystery story), but over time this solution got trickier and trickier to work with.  With Moira, I have a chance to rework much of Old Habits/AOFA to better suit some of the details that have come out since drafting it.

This does mean, unfortunately, that all the “76+127″ content is going to become its own, standalone series.

To switch over to integrating “Soldier: 24,” the “76+127″ stories will have to become their own standalone series.  Don’t worry - I’m not deleting anything.  Old content from “Old Habits” will be moved to their own fics, so you can read the whole thing in chronological order.

A new version of my updated ideas on SEP has already started being drafted.  Writing it out is just a matter of time at this point, haha.

The conspiracy/Talon council “mysteries” will become more transparent almost immediately.

With Moira, I finally get the chance to explore some of my ideas in “full format” instead of the kinda awkward “Sombra hacking a chat log” parts yall originally got.  This DOES mean that written portions will suddenly be much, MUCH longer.  For example:

Old Habits original chapter 10 (Sombra hacks an SSO chat log): 17 pages

Old Habits revised chapter 10 (Moira discusses the Route 66 battle with council members + Sombra hacks a chat log): closer to 34 pages

The explosion fight has been changed.

Because of the changes to Gabriel’s plot, the nature of the explosion fight between him and Jack has changed significantly.  It does incorporate new information that Moira revealed.

If it wasn’t obvious, I’ve had a draft version of my ideas for the fight sitting in GDocs for about a year now, and I use that for all my flashback/memories, and also for when Reaper and Soldier: 76 are arguing in the present.  There was a major plot point in the explosion fight that I was extremely uncomfortable with, but found it to be “solid angst material.”  In retrospect, I dislike this plot point and have removed it for another plot point that sits better with me, and fits the overall story more comfortably (I think).

So yes, I DO have a new draft of the explosion fight - written completely from scratch, 100% different in tone and emotionality.  Parts of this should begin to show in updates to Chapter 13, when Soldier: 76/Jack reflects on some of the fight.

The Goal:

The goal for AOFA right now is to update Old Habits in “two big batches” - update the first half (Chapters 1 - 15) within 1 - 2 weeks, and then update the second half (Chapters 16 - 31) shortly after.  Optimistically, before January, but realistically, closer to late-January/early-February.

Thanks for sticking with me - both with this post, and with my life changes.  Things are incredibly and often overwhelmingly busy for me, and I don’t really know where many of these things (both personal stuff and fic stuff) will end up.  I really do appreciate any and all support, even if I’m not able to respond to comments.  You guys make it worthwhile to keep writing, and I apologize for how distant I’ve been with this stuff.

[a-queer-seminarian]

hey there, some seminary questions for you! How did you choose which seminary to attend? Could you please talk about the application/acceptance process? What's the average week like as a seminarian?

Oh gosh, you sent this ages ago, I’ve been meaning to answer!

How I picked a seminary:

I looked only at seminaries in my denomination, PC(USA), that were at least sort of near my area of the USA and that seemed like they’d be LGBT+ friendly. I visited two of them, McCormick in Chicago and Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary, in the fall of 2015 and applied to them both the spring of 2016. Both seemed like excellent choices, I selected LPTS because I liked the housing situation, the campus in general, and the students and teachers I talked to seemed like a better fit for me. And indeed, I am extremely happy here!

Applications and Acceptance:

So yeah, the two seminaries I applied to both had applications due for the following fall in early spring, and I think that’s fairly standard. When looking at various seminaries, check their website for info on that. I highly recommend looking into seminaries a year before you want to attend one, so that you have plenty of time to visit, gather recommendation letters, reflect on your decision, and apply.

Note that the vast majority of seminaries require an undergraduate degree before you can apply, since it is a masters program – but that undergrad degree can be in anything. See this post.

This is the admissions page of my seminary. LPTS offers several degrees, the most popular of which at the masters level are the Masters of Divinity (MDIV, what I am doing) and the Masters of Family Therapy (MFT). To apply to these programs, there are forms that request general info and also ask that you undergo a background check, write some essays, and three letters of recommendation.

The last of those things, the rec letters, might sound overwhelming, but it’s doable. One of them needs to be from a pastor, so if you don’t currently have a pastor in your life who knows you well, that’s something to think about before applying to seminary – how can you get active in your current church so that your pastor can write you a good letter? The second letter must be an academic reference and the third must be a “personal or professional reference” – see this webpage for more. Note that these were the letters my two seminaries of choice required, and while I think it’s fairly typical, other seminaries may do it differently.

I’m pretty sure some sort of interview was required too, but it’s super informal and you can do it via skype if you can’t get to the seminary in person. I do recommend checking out the seminaries you’re interested in person though, if at all possible – they let you tour, talking to various teachers and students and possibly sitting in on classes.

On to the acceptance process: if the two seminaries I looked into are any indication, if you get all the application stuff turned in, you’re very likely to be accepted. The big thing is financial stuff they’ll offer you – the more impressive your application is, the more likely to get academic scholarships. My seminary also had me fill out some forms explaining my financial situation, so that they would know to offer me more financial aid as needed. The amazing thing about my seminary though is that they offer full tuition to everyone who gets in! And all seminaries as far as I know are pretty great about helping with financing their students’ education. See this post for more on financial stuff.

An average week in seminary:

Okay, the average week at any seminary is likely to be different. Note also that I’m going to describe the average week of a first-year student – it changes for second and third year students.

Oh yeah, to mention that: at my seminary at least, the MDIV takes three years and the MFT program takes five. You can also be a part time student which means it’ll take longer. For MDIVs, you have to take Hebrew and Greek and you also have to intern for a year at a nearby church to graduate. I’m doing my church placement my second year. And if you are pursuing ordination, you likely want to be working on whatever your denomination requires for ordination while you’re at seminary – you don’t magically get your ordination when you graduate, just your masters. For my denomination, for instance, I have to do some work as a chaplain in order to be ordained, so I’m likely doing that next summer.

Let’s start with classes and homework in an average week:

I take four classes, and workload-wise they remind me a lot of undergrad. Most classes meet either two or three times a week, and are either 50 minutes or an hour and 15 minutes each time. Some classes are primarily lecture, most involve lecture and discussion, and some are primarily discussion. They all involve a lot of reading. Many students get away with not always doing all the readings though, haha. Fall (September through mid-December) and spring (February through early May) are the main two semesters, but there are also short classes available in January and summer.

Along with reading, homework varies; I’ll describe my typical homework for my four current classes:

For Black Church Studies, we basically read one book and have one 1000-word essay due every two weeks.

Scripture II (New Testament) is sort of bizarre in that there are no major essays due and we only have one textbook (well, plus the Bible). Homework is to read a chapter of the textbook and write a 300-600 word summary on it for each class meeting. Each chapter is on a different book / letter of the New Testament. For this coming Monday, my summary on Ephesians is due. (On a side note, at the end of this semester I’ll probably share a google doc of all my summaries if anyone is interested; they’re good for quick overviews of the content and contexts of the Gospels and letters!)

History of Christian Experience I (the first century CE through 1453) has us write three 1200-1400 word essays throughout the semester. For each class meeting, a fifty-word sentence answering a question about the reading is due. This class has the heaviest reading load – seriously, some nights I don’t actually get to read everything thoroughly; I try my best to, but every now and then I have to skim instead.

Hebrew Exegesis (my fave!!) has five papers throughout the semester (that counts the final). For each paper, we translate a short passage from the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament) and provide historical context, talk about literary structure, do word studies on it, and so on. There were also several (6 I think) translation exercises due throughout the semester, in which you have to translate around 10 sentences from Hebrew. This class also involves reading, but not as much as the other classes. You have to read commentaries and look through dictionaries in order to write the papers.

I had a good number of quizzes and some tests for basically every class last semester; this semester, I have literally zero tests or quizzes in any class, just a lot of papers (all my finals this time around are take-home essays).

It’s hard for me to really explain how fun the classes are? but I love them. They teach so much, and challenge you to think.

Moving on to worship at seminary:

We open every class meeting with a prayer. And on Thursdays and Fridays, there are chapel services led by either a teacher or a student (usually seniors). Because so many different people lead the services, you get a really wide variety of services, which I think is really cool! Not only Presbyterians attend this seminary – in fact, I think it’s something like 50 or 60% of students and faculty here are not Presbyterian. I love seeing how different traditions worship.

And community life here:

Classes are small and therefore tight-knit. I love my class; there are around 30 of us in total I think and around 20 of those are MDIV like me. We all joke around and support and pray for each other, and study together and help one another out when needed. When you need anything, whether it’s notes from a class you missed or a ride to the airport or some groceries because you’re low on cash, someone will help you out.

There are so many groups on campus you can join. We’ve got students in governmental positions, for instance, and students in various committees, from the Faith Life committee to the More Light (LGBT) committee, and from the Worship committee to the Gender and Ministry committee. I do a lot to help out with the community garden. There’s also a grassroots group for environmental stuff – I am assigned to take out the recycling in one of the school buildings to do my part with that. My seminary’s “big thing” is racial dialogue, so there are many classes, workshops, and other events that deal with that. Unfortunately the More Light group isn’t all that active this year, but when there are events I go to them!

If there’s an issue you care about that is not already addressed by a group on campus, it’s possible to make it happen. I just gave a workshop on how to make ministry more welcoming to transgender people. And a classmate and I plan to hold some workshop type events on accessibility and ableism this coming fall.

Conclusion:

So yeah, life in seminary involves balancing schoolwork with participating in the seminary community, your own life (many students here have jobs and/or kids), worship / your faith life, and doing the “field ed” aspect of seminary – church placements and chaplaincy for MDIVs, counseling/therapy for MFTs.

I personally find myself exhausted pretty often thanks to the ol’ mental illness and neurodivergence, so it’s important to take care of yourself. Teachers for the most part are very understanding and willing to give extensions on papers and the like, so that helps. And like I said, when you need something, classmates have your back.

I cannot emphasize enough how enriching the classes are, how intelligent the teachers are, or how warm and family-like the students are. It’s all wonderful.

If you have more questions about seminary, let me know!

[johnmauldin]

These Two Articles Debunk The Biggest Financial Nonsense I See In The Media

For this week’s Outside the Box (subscribe here for free), we have a two-parter of short essays. They are unrelated but equally important. First, in “Time to Drain the Fed Swamp,” Brian Wesbury and colleagues at First Trust make the case that it was the private sector, not the federal government or the Fed, that saved the economy after the panic of 2008.

The Fed has outgrown its britches, they argue, and it’s time to fill the Board of Governors chair and vice-chair positions with people who will hold the Fed to account for its mistakes. They conclude with this trenchant line:

We need a government that is willing to support the private sector and stop acting as if the “swamp” itself creates wealth. 

Then, in “Don’t Buy Into ‘The Broken Window Fallacy,’” good friend Doug Kass shares Frederic Bastiat’s parable of a broken window to demonstrate why destruction à la Harvey and Irma is not a net positive for the economy in the longer term.

I keep reading nonsense economics by people who say this is going to boost the economy; and in the seriously weird way that we measure GDP, maybe it will, however slightly; but it is a definite drain on the wealth of the country.

Time to Drain the Fed Swamp

By Brian S. Wesbury, Robert Stein, and Strider Elass

Originally published here

The panic of 2008 was damaging in more ways than people think. Yes, there were dramatic losses for investors and homeowners, but these markets have recovered. What hasn’t gone back to normal is the size and scope of Washington DC, especially the Federal Reserve. It’s time for that to change.

DC institutions got away with blaming the crisis on the private sector and used this narrative to grow their influence, budgets, and size. They also created the narrative that government saved the US economy, but that is highly questionable.

Without going too much in depth, one thing no one talks about is that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, at the direction of HUD, were forced to buy subprime loans in order to meet politically-driven, social policy objectives. In 2007, they owned 76% of all subprime paper (See Peter Wallison: Hidden in Plain Sight).

At the same time, the real reason the crisis spread so rapidly and expanded so greatly was not derivatives, but mark-to-market accounting.

It wasn’t government that saved the economy. Quantitative Easing was started in September 2008. TARP was passed on October 3, 2008. Yet for the next five months, markets continued to implode, the economy plummeted, and private money did not flow to private banks.

On March 9, 2009, with the announcement that insanely rigid mark-to-market accounting rules would be changed, the markets stopped falling, the economy turned toward growth, and private investors started investing in banks. All this happened immediately when the accounting rule was changed. No longer could these crazy rules wipe out bank capital by marking down asset values despite little to no change in cash flows. Changing this rule was the key to recovery, not QE, TARP, or “stress tests.”

The Fed, and supporters of government intervention, ignore all these facts. They never address them. Why? First, institutions protect themselves even if it’s at the expense of the truth. Second, human nature doesn’t like to admit mistakes. Third, Washington DC always uses crises to grow. Admitting that their policies haven’t worked would lead to a smaller government with less power.

The Fed has become massive. Its balance sheet is nearly 25% of GDP. Never before has it been this large. And yet, the economy has grown relatively slowly. Back in the 1980s and 1990s, with a much smaller Fed balance sheet, the economy grew far more rapidly.

So how do you drain the Fed? By not appointing anyone that is already waiting in DC’s revolving door of career elites. We need someone willing to challenge Fed and DC orthodoxy. If we had our pick to fill the chair and vice chair positions (with Stanley Fischer announcing his departure) we would be focused on the likes of John Taylor, Peter Wallison, or Bill Isaac.

They would bring new blood to the Fed and hold it to account for its mistakes. It’s time for the Fed to own up and stop defending the nonsensical story that government, and not entrepreneurs, saved the US economy. Ben Bernanke and Janet Yellen have never fracked a well or written an App. We need a government that is willing to support the private sector and stop acting as if the “swamp” itself creates wealth. 

Don’t Buy Into “The Broken Window Fallacy”

By Doug Kass September 12, 2017

The broken window fallacy was first expressed by the great French economist, Frederic Bastiat. Bastiat used the parable of a broken window to point out why destruction doesn’t benefit the economy.

In Bastiat’s tale, a man’s son breaks a pane of glass, meaning the man will have to pay to replace it. The onlookers consider the situation and decide that the boy has actually done the community a service because his father will have to pay the glazier (window repair man) to replace the broken pane. The glazier will then presumably spend the extra money on something else, jump-starting the local economy…

The onlookers come to believe that breaking windows stimulates the economy, but Bastiat points out that further analysis exposes the fallacy. By breaking the window, the man’s son has reduced his father’s disposable income, meaning his father will not be able purchase new shoes or some other luxury good. Thus, the broken window might help the glazier, but at the same time, it robs other industries and reduces the amount being spent on other goods. Moreover, replacing something that has already been purchased is a maintenance cost, rather than a purchase of truly new goods, and maintenance doesn’t stimulate production. In short, Bastiat suggests that destruction—and its costs—don’t pay in an economic sense. 

The broken window fallacy is often used to discredit the idea that going to war stimulates a country’s economy. As with the broken window, war causes resources and capital to be funneled out of industries that produce goods to industries that destroy things, leading to even more costs. According to this line of reasoning, the rebuilding that occurs after war is primarily maintenance costs, meaning that countries would be much better off not fighting at all. 

The broken window fallacy also demonstrates the faulty conclusions of the onlookers; by only taking into consideration the man with the broken window and the glazier who must replace it, the crowd forgets about the missing third party (such as the shoe maker). In this sense, the fallacy comes from making a decision by looking only at the parties directly involved in the short term, rather than looking at all parties (directly and indirectly) involved in the short and long term.

– Investopedia, “The Broken Window Fallacy” 

Yesterday many—including Jim “El Capitan” Cramer—emphasized that the dual hurricanes in Florida and Texas were net economic positives as they would stem the peaking already apparent in autos and housing.

As Jim wrote:

It’s simple. When you get flooding like we had in Texas, you are going to have perhaps hundreds of thousands of people shopping for new cars, all at once. If you get storms that destroy houses with wind and rain, as is the case in Florida, you get checks to fix them up almost instantly.

–Jim Cramer, “Hurricanes Will Break the Decline of the Auto and Housing Industries”

While it is clear that the need to replace destroyed autos will reduce car inventories temporarily and assist in the sale of homes, the benefit—as described above in The Broken Window Fallacy—is not likely to be long lasting or stem the peaks in car production and housing sales. Those who are looking at a net benefit are restricting their observations to only the parties directly involved in the short term, rather than looking at all the parties directly and indirectly involved in the short and long term:

* A rebuild of what you already had in Florida and Texas is restorative and does not increase an economy’s productivity or capacity.

* By contrast, the infrastructure build discussed by the administration is incremental; it increases productivity and makes the American economy better and stronger. As many of you know (see “The Orange Swan Returns with a Vengeance“), my view is that Trump’s infrastructure bill, as well as tax reform and other legislation, are unlikely to be passed on a timely and non-diluted basis. It may be argued now that the Florida and Texas rebuilds may be another excuse for non-passage. 

* The rebuilds from Hurricanes Harvey and Irma will increase the deficit due to the direct expenses and loss of tax revenues created by a business slowdown over the next two quarters from the storm’s damage. That deficit has now eclipsed $20 trillion.

* The rebuilds also may extend the already-stretched affordability issue facing housing, as it will increase building material prices and inflation, serving to increase the prices of homes.

* There is not an infinite supply of labor. The construction workers who will be moving to Houston and Tampa to rebuild are being taken away from other markets.

* Finally, in the local areas involved in the path of the worst destruction, there is often a net loss as people leave and don’t come back. New Orleans’ population is about 80% today of what it was before Katrina. This is at best a zero sum, but in reality, probably is a net loss because many people are uninsured and can’t afford to rebuild or buy again. In addition, there is a human toll on health, etc.

The Markets

We either are in one of the greatest bull markets of all time, fueled by eight years of more monetary cow bell, or our markets—as in 2000 and 2007—likely are ignoring numerous uncertainties, extended valuations and other headwinds—as I say, rationalizing the irrational.

As an example, the markets rose modestly last Friday, anticipating a huge storm—and subsequent replenishment and rebuild—that could have resulted in more than $150 billion of damages.

Yesterday, the markets ramped up by more than 25 S&P handles on light volume after never really going down because the hurricane’s wrath and impact was far less than initially anticipated.

To many it was a Goldilocks just-right outcome, as some thought the damage of the natural disasters was still enough to restrain the Fed’s tightening yet enough to halt the peaking of the automobile and housing industries. The former, autos, was suffering from too much inventory relative to sales, the need to expand incentives (a threat to auto industry profitability), lower used-car prices and a deterioration in subprime auto paper delinquencies. The later, housing, was threatened by stretched affordability and stagnating incomes.

To some, this contradiction is natural, but it is not natural to me.

Bottom Line

The hurricanes experienced over the last two weeks will result in a restoration and not in an incrementally improved and more productive US economy.

Think “The Broken Window Fallacy.” Destruction does not benefit an economy.

I remain bearish on both stocks and bonds.

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