#i got up so excited because it's sherlock & co day

[sherlock-is-ace]

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[writersblog20]

Stillness in the storm

Henry Cavill x reader

Credit to gif maker!

Summary: Your first big movie brought you a little more around Christmas than you thought it would.

Warnings: mention of anxiety, a heated kiss, alcohol consumption,

Words: 4K

Stillness in the storm

It was your first big movie and you were esthetic. Not only that you would be co-stars with Henry Cavill. It was a movie about Sherlock Holmes and you would be one of the main characters in this movie. When you heard that you got the part, you were so excited yet very nervous because you were a big fan of Henry Cavill.

Your first day came around the corner and you would meet Henry. You arrived on set and an assistant came towards you named Luna. You would become good friends later on. She showed you around and at the coffee stand was where you saw him in his Sherlock outfit. You looked at Luna “So, do I just introduce myself or wait?” Luna chuckled “You can introduce yourself right now. he doesn’t bite.” She winked at you “I’ll see you in 10 by the make-up okay?” you nodded and thanked her before your attention went back to Henry.

You got a cup for the coffee and stood next to him. He looked at you and back to the coffee machine before looking back at you. You were a little lost for words until Henry spoke up. “You’re Y/N right?” he asked you with a smile. “Eh yeah, hi.” You told him a little uncomfortable. It was like all your social skills flew out of the window. He held out his hand for you to shake, still with a big smile. “I’m Henry.” he told you very kind. “Hi I’m Y/N” you shook his hand. “So your first big gig right?” He asked you as he sipped his coffee. “Yeah, I’m kind off nervous.” You told him chuckling as you got some coffee yourself.

“Well, don’t be. Everyone here is very kind and know you can always walk up to me as well. You’ll be great, I’m sure of it.” you felt a little flattered and more relaxed. “Thank you. I loved how you portrait Sherlock in Enola Holmes! Really liked those movies and now I get to act in them so it’s really cool.” You chuckled, knowing you were fangirling. “Thank you very much, I’ll see you later?” you nodded “Yeah definitely. I think we even have a scene today.” Henry thought about it “Oh yeah, that’s right. We’ll in that case, I’ll see you in a bit. It was nice to meet you Y/N.” he told you with a smile and walked off.

Henry was right, you got used to the set, the people were lovely and the connection you and Henry had on and off screen was just amazing. You got to play a love interest and solve some mysteries along side Sherlock. Henry was amazing. He guided you to your first onscreen kiss, which you were extremely nervous about because well, duh. You got to kiss Henry Cavill, who wouldn’t be nervous. But the way Henry calmed your nerves and put all the jokes aside for a minute to make you feel comfortable was heartwarming.

You developed a crush on the British actor and fell more and more in love. On set, you would joke around a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Henry would always try to make you laugh and crack up and the other way around. You even teased him with making videos and warning him that you would put it on social media which he would do too. You would play games on set, taking naps and watch some movies together.

You’ve discovered that Henry was just a giant soft teddy bear on the inside and you loved that. But you also loved to mess with him, play a prank or two but only to see him laugh. It was never more than that. All you wanted was to make him laugh and that was the other way around as well.

So now you were in New York City for some interviews and red carpet shows etc. Obviously they teamed you up with Henry and you couldn’t be happier. The moment you stepped outside of the airport and cab, New York took your breath away for a second. Everything was already warmly decorated in the spirit of Christmas. You tried to take everything in as much as you could but it didn’t feel real. “Hey, you coming inside?” Henry asked you.

The moment he saw you he walked up to you again. “Let me guess, first time here huh?” he asked you, making you nod. You felt a bit overwhelmed by everything. “It’s beautiful isn’t it? Oh and somebody told me that it might snow tonight.” Henry told the last part whispering to you as if it was a secret. “Let’s go inside for now, you can explore later, I can even show you around if you’d like.” He purposed and you took him up on the offer. He gave you a smile and you got inside the hotel.

It was a luxurious hotel, that was for sure but somehow still giving off a warm, cozy vibe. There were staff that was helping with the bags. Luna checked the both of you in as you signed something. You and Henry had a door next to each other or opposite. You walked upstairs with someone who showed you the rooms. You and Henry were indeed opposite from each other. They placed the bags inside and you looked at Henry who winked “See you in a hour.” he told you and closed the door, which you followed him soon.

You looked around the room, there was already a Christmas tree placed and you saw that it had a fireplace. You took a reminder to ask the staff if you could use it. You had an amazing view over New York and the big tree outside. The hotel room was huge, like you didn’t even know why it was this huge but it was definitely gorgeous so you weren’t complaining. You walked into the bathroom and even here it was big. You had a big bathtub and a shower separated etc.

You took a quick shower, did your make-up a little bit until you heard some knocking on your door. You put on the robe and walked to your door to see who it was and it was Luna. You smiled and stepped aside. With work she was very formal and direct but as your friend, she was chaotic and loose. She walked in and let herself fall on your bad making you laugh.

“So girly, what do you think about this place?” she asked you as he made herself comfortable on your bed. You chuckled as you went into your closet. “It’s big.” You told her. “What? The room or Henry?” She whispered the last part, making you turn around and roll your eyes at her. She chuckled, which you did too. “Very funny and unfortunately I meant this place.” She faked gasped “Did you see him naked???” she acted fake surprised, making you laugh and throw a small pillow from the seat her way, making her laugh. “Unfortunately not.” You remarked, making her chuckle again.

She knew about your crush on Henry and you made her swear to keep her mouth shut and she promised she would. You knew she would. Besides, you had a lot of dirt on her which she told you about so you both wouldn’t do that to another.

“What about this one?” you asked her as you got some things from your suitcase. “Oh dear, well first of all, I’m going to take you shopping soon and second, they have someone there who’s going to dress you up.” she told you while hanging off the bed with her head. “Are you saying that my taste in clothes is shit?” you asked her giggling. “No… you just don’t have that much to choose from. Besides, I need you to go shopping with me in New York.

You laughed “Ohhh and we still need a girl night! They have some great skincare products here that I know you’re going to love!” you nodded with a smile. “It’s a little weird you know, not having to worry about money anymore. Like, when I walk in the store now to get food, I literally can buy what I want. All these years worrying about finances… it’s just sad that we even needed to worry about it, about your daily needs and shit. Sorry I got lost in thought there.” Lune looked down as she was laying on her stomach now.

“Nah, it’s okay. It’s weird that one day we just all agreed to it. But if I go deeper into thought with that then we’ll be here for a while.” You chuckled “Yes and that’s why I chose you as my best friend.” You told her with a smile. “Yeah I mean you’re a asshole sometimes but I love you.” she responded as you both cracked up.

“Shall we go then?” you asked her and she let out a loud groan. “I don’t want to but we have to.” She told you and dramatically slipped off from your bed. You opened the door while Luna still laid on the ground. Henry opened his door the same time as you and the moment his eyes landed on you, he smiled warmly until Luna catched his attention who let out a groan, not knowing that Henry could see her.

“Ehhh.” You spilled out but was trying not to laugh but Henry laughed at the sight. “You okay there Luna?” the moment she heard a different voice than yours she got up and you could almost see her go through the ground from embarrassment. “Hey Henry, yeah, was seeing if… ehh.. you know.” she just ended it and stopped herself from making it worse while the both of you laughed. “Let’s go than guys.” She told you and walked past you, giving you a slight hit as a karma, making you chuckle even more.

You walked next to Henry and both had to gather everything inside of you so you wouldn’t burst out laughing here right now. You got in the car for the interviews and headed towards the location. You looked a bit outside until you arrived.

~time skip~

The day went alright. It was actually a lot of fun. You and Henry joked a lot and played some games, answered some questions and that was about it. When you arrived, Luna went her separate way. “I’ll text you. I’m exhausted from the jetlag and day.” You nodded “Take your rest, see you tomorrow.” You gave her a hug and walked with Henry to both of your rooms. “I was wandering, we haven’t had dinner yet, would you like to join me?” he asked you. “Yeah sure, I wanted to search a nice little restaurant anyways.” Henry smiled “I know a place.” He told you with a smile “See you in 30?” he asked you. “Sure, see you in 30.” You smiled and went into your room.

You quickly put on some different clothes, texted Luna about the current situation, redid your make-up and put some perfume on. Luna had texted you back and swore that Henry liked you. The way he would sometimes look at you, the silly comments and jokes just to make you laugh, the way his eyes would lit up as he saw you smile. She could continue but it wouldn’t make any difference because you couldn’t believe that he would like you in that way. You were never that lucky, so why would you now.

You heard someone knock on your door and figured it was Henry. You opened the door with a smile and of course there was Henry with his million dollar smile. “Ready?” he asked you, making you nod. You grabbed your coat and bag but Henry took the coat out of your arms and helped you in the coat. Henry was always a gentleman around you but you couldn’t remember him doing this before.

You turned around as he fixed the collar from your coat. He looked into your eyes while his hands lingered around the coat, giving you slightly hope that Luna might be right about this. He smiled, seemingly out of the trance. “Let’s go then” he told you and you followed him out of the hotel.

Henry was right about the snow as the white flakes made their way down. You hid your face a little into your scarf and buried your hands deeply in the pockets of your warm coat. Henry didn’t seem to be bothered by the cold. He showed you a couple of things on the way to the restaurant.

Finally you arrived at the restaurant and the outside already looked very nice. Henry let you in and the inside was even more beautiful. He took your coat and helped you with the chair. You felt flattered and smiled shyly. Now you just hoped that he wouldn’t notice your so called little crush on him which had easily escalated to love.

You chatted with Henry and laughed as usual but something about this evening felt a little more than before. As if it was a little more.

When you were finished eating, Henry paid. “Let me than pay for coffee tomorrow. You can show me around then if you want.” You asked him nervously but he gave you a warm smile “I would like that very much.” He told you and you felt flustered and shy from his words again. Henry helped you with your coat again and you left.

You asked Henry if there were any good wine places around so you could bring a bottle with you. Henry smiled and hinted for you to follow him. It was like as if he walked this way a dozen times before. You heard some live music from somewhere and you looked around until you walked besides a old bar. It was cozy, fully decorated and looked very warm and welcoming. You looked through the window as you stood still for a minute. “Would you like to go in?” Henry made you snap out of thoughts as you quickly looked at him, who stood quite close to you.

“We don’t have to if you’re tired or don’t want to.” You told him which made him give you a slight adoring smile. “Let’s go in, it’s getting cold outside sweetheart.” He had surely never given you a nickname before and it made your heart flutter. He gave you a wink as he held the door open and once again helped you with your coat. Yeah, if he’d done it before than it was never this much.

You both sat down in a corner so you wouldn’t be recognized. You ordered a red wine and Henry followed you with the order, getting one for himself. You listened to the music and for once in a long time did it feel like you were home again. Like time was standing still and the chaos around you had taken a rest. It was still again. It was comforting and warm, making you wish to never end this moment.

“Hey, you okay? You seem a little caught up in your head.” Henry softly spoke as his voice carried gentleness. You looked at him and smiled as you felt the butterflies go crazy inside of you again, ending that moment of stillness but the comfort never left. “Yeah, this is nice.” You told him and he smiled, feeling happy that he achieved that.

You started chatting a bit more as the wine flowed more. You knew Henry but these conversations were deeper. He told you about his past a little bit, you about yours. The struggles, happy moments, things you deeply cared about. You felt Henry opening up to you and you both got more comfortable with each other’s presence

It started to become late but even though you had tomorrow off, you were both very tired from the trip and jetlag and decided that now was a good time to head back to the hotel. “Oh do you still want that wine?” Henry asked you and you smiled tiredly. “Let’s do that tomorrow.” Henry nodded in agreement and you both headed back to the hotel. Henry noticed how cold you were, hiding in your scarf, the way you were shivering and your hands still deeply in your pockets. “And maybe we should get you another, warmer, coat tomorrow. Come here sweetheart.” He told the first part chuckling but the tone in his voice got softer with the last sentence.

He pulled your shivering body against his and placed his arm around you, trying to shield you against the cold. You saw some flashes from a distance. Paparazzi… “Just ignore them.” Henry whispered into your ear when you finally reached the hotel.

Henry never let go off you until you reached your door. “I had a really nice time. Thank you Hen.” He smiled “I had a lovely time as well, thank you for taking up my offer.” He told you. It was silent for a moment and you couldn’t look into his eyes, looking everywhere but up in a shy manner while the smile was still evident on your face.

“I’ll see you tomorrow for coffee?” Henry asked you a little nervous as if you didn’t want to anymore. “Yes, I’m looking forward to it.” You told him finally locking eyes with him. He smiled lovingly at you and nodded. “Good night then.” He told you “Good night Hen.” He smiled “Oh if there’s something up or wrong, you know where to find me then.” He told you, making you smile. “Thank you.”

You stepped into your room and let your head rest on the door for a minute to gather all the information of what just happened before you went into your bathroom and stepped underneath the shower so you could get warmed up. All you could think about was Henry, his eyes, his smile, just everything about him. You couldn’t place him out of your head and the more you tried to, the harder it backfired.

You decided to just go to bed. You listened to some music and got your book, starting to read. Your eyes landed on the words, printed on the pages but you couldn’t actually read it right now. You let out a deep sigh and stared at the ceiling. Alright plan B it is then. You thought and opened youtube with some meditational video, hoping that it would bring you to sleep.

But that didn’t work either. Not the animal videos you watched after or the tiktoks, just nothing worked and it started to get on your nerves. You wanted to go to Henry, that was sort off all you could think about. Being wrapped in his arms, the warmth surrounding you, the comfort and safety he had attached to him. You wanted that. You were doubting about it until the clock ticket 2 AM and you still weren’t asleep. You got up, put on your robe, got your keys and phone and softly patted to the door opposite you.

You stood in front of his door, still undecided until the door swung open, scaring you almost out of your skin, just like Henry. He had his robe on as well and looked just as shocked to see you as you looked at him. It was silent for a moment while you looked at each other and you both knew at that point. It was one of those rare connection where you don’t have to say anything. You both sort off already knew and they way you were being drawn towards each other. Wanted to be around them as much as you could just to be in their presence.

“Can’t sleep either?” Henry spoke up softly and you nodded. “I was going to knock on your door. Don’t really want to be alone.” You told him and he gave you a warm smile as he stepped aside so you could walk into his room. It almost looked identical to your room. You stood a little awkward in the middle of the room while Henry just got back into bed and looked at you. “Are you coming?” he asked you as if it was the most normal case in the world and to be honest, you were thankful for that because you didn’t want it to be awkward.

So you were quick to his side and took the robe off, displaying your, not so flattering pajamas. You quickly got into bed and Henry had already opened his arms for you and held the covers a bit up so you could get comfortable. You looked at him a bit confused. “It’s alright pup, come here.” He said with the softest smile you’ve ever seen as you got closer to his chest. Obviously he wasn’t wearing a shirt, not that you complained. Your face was pressed against his chest, his arms around you and pulling you closer to him as his chin rested on your head. You felt his fingers massage the back of your head. You’ve reached a new level of love at this point.

You felt so calm, loved, cared for, secure, comfortable and safe. You felt wanted and you couldn’t ask for much more than that other than to be loved. It was all you’ve ever searched for and here it was somewhere in an hotel in New York City around Christmas time. Who would’ve thought…

“Thank you Hen” you told him. “For what?” he asked you with a bit of a chuckle. “Making me feel loved and wanted.” It was silent for a moment but it didn’t give you anxiety because it felt so safe and okay to say that as if he already even knew. “Know that you are, angel.” You held him a bit closer as a response. “I really do love you, you know that right?” You felt it deep in your core, sure but insecurities took over until now. it was confirmed. You looked up into his blue eyes while his hand cupped your cheek. “I really do.” He told you while looking intently into yours.

There was that feeling again. Stillness in the storm, somewhere where chaos didn’t exist, only calmness and serenity. “I do too.” Henry smiled at you “I know.” was all he said, making you smile as well “I know.” You responded back. It was almost as if you were so in touch with one another, such a deep connection that you didn’t even needed to say much, he already knew, just like you even if it was deep down.

His face got closer, noses touching. It was as if time was standing still while you held your breath in, lips already apart. He placed his forehead against yours and swallowed. You did the same and looked up at him, rubbing his nose softly until he carefully closed the last gap between the two of you.

It was still for a moment, both taking each other in. He cupped your cheeks and broke the kiss, looking at you for a moment. You both looked at each other and it confirmed that you both wanted and needed each other. He pulled you in the kiss again and started exploring your mouth. His hand slowly going from your waist to your hips, kneading your flesh until his hand went back to your back again as he pushed you closer to him, rolling you slowly on your back, deepening the kiss even further.

You went with your hands through his long locks and pulled him closer, your hand exploring his chest until you both broke the kiss and looked at each other, a little out of breath but smiling softly. “So tomorrow, that coffee, is that going to be our first or could I call tonight our first?” he asked you making you chuckle. “definitely second.” You chuckled and pulled him back for another kiss but took it slow. Henry laid down on his side again, you completely wrapped up in his arms and feeling the stillness coming back, lulling you to sleep.

taglist: @thereisa8ella @chrisevansdaughter @sarahrogersevans

[dlrconlicense]

Louise Brealey On Starring In BBC Three’s Upcoming Comedy Such Brave Girls

Such Brave Girls will arrive on BBC iPlayer on 22 November

By Olivia Emily | 3 days ago

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Louise Brealey is perhaps best known for her witty portrayal of lovelorn morgue technician Molly Hooper in Sherlock – but we’re loving her recent comedy work even more. She’ll next be seen in the BBC‘s hotly anticipated comedy Such Brave Girls, coming later this month. Written by Kate Sadler, Louise plays Deb, the matriarch of a dysfunctional family, trying and failing to keep her kamikaze daughters from disaster. We sat down with Louise to hear all about it.

Interview: Louise Brealey

© Leo Staar

Hi Louise, how’s life going at the moment?

Hello! It’s been a busy summer – my new film has been doing the festival circuit so there have been a lot of planes, trains and automobiles.

You’re about to star in BBC’s new series Such Brave Girls – can you give us an elevator pitch for the show?

Two messed-up twenty-something (real-life) sisters [Kat Sadler and Lizzie Davidson] and their total car crash of a mother attempt to navigate their way out of disaster and into love.

You play Deb – can you describe her?

Deb is amazing. She’s a shockingly bad mum who has completely messed up her two Gen Z daughters. I think of her as one of those vending machines at railway stations and swimming pools where you can get a Twix, but all that’s on her shelves is Tough Love.

What was it like playing her?

A terrifying hoot – she has a lot of lines.

How did you get into character/prepare for the role?

I based Deb on a little girl I used to know. You could see every emotion on her face. Guile, rage, confusion, fear. When she was cross, she scowled. When she was delighted, she beamed.

I used my real accent: Northamptonshire. It has softened over the years, so I sound a lot posher now, but it’s how my family speak and I’ve never had the chance to work using it.

Any funny stories from rehearsals or filming?

The scenes requiring our amazing intimacy coordinator, Elle McAlpine, were hysterically funny and genuinely not at all awkward. Poor Paul Bazely who plays Dev may have experienced some chafing.

What is the cast dynamic? Who was your favourite person to work with?

We are like a little family when we are filming. I feel very protective of Kat and Lizzie. And Paul is a wonderful human being and a phenomenal actor.

Are you still in touch with any of your co-stars?

Yes, we message all the time.

Josie (KAT SADLER), Deb (LOUISE BREALEY), Billie (LIZZIE DAVIDSON) in Such Brave Girls. © BBC/Various Artists Limited/James Stack

You’re perhaps best known for your role as Molly in Sherlock. What is that like to look back on?

Bittersweet because I don’t feel we finished it, and we have lost Una Stubbs. But it was incredible to be a part of what was really a phenomenon. It couldn’t happen now with streaming.

Any special memories from the show?

Too many. Having a candle in an egg custard tart (my favourite) on my birthday in Benedict’s trailer… Laughing and laughing with darling Una and Rupert Graves, who is a dreamboat.

You’ve also starred in the likes of Lockwood & Co, Brian and Charles and Back recently. But what has been your favourite project to date?

I loved working on Clique for the BBC a few years back. I got to play a hard-ass Queen Bee university lecturer in power suits who was afraid of no one, and then to completely fall apart. In an Edinburgh accent.

I loved Lockwood & Co. How does it feel for the show to be cancelled after just one series?

I felt so bad for the young cast, the crew, the fans and everyone whose livelihoods depended on the show coming back. It got such fantastic reviews and great viewing figures. I feel like the hoop it had to jump through for the streamer was just too impossibly small.

Any roles in the pipeline that you’re excited about? (If you’re allowed to tell us!)

I’m the lead in a lesbian chicken factory musical film called Chuck Chuck Baby.

Who has been your favourite actor to work with in the past?

This is much too hard. There have been so many that I admired, and some I now call dear friends. But my buddy Jeff Rawle I’ve worked with three times now, and we are trying to make it a fourth.

Which co-star did you learn the most from?

Antonia Pemberton, who played Nanny in Peter Hall’s Uncle Vanya when I was Sonya. She told me not to keep tomatoes in the fridge.

What’s your dream role?

I’m desperate to get back on stage. I’ve been doing film and television for the past seven years, but theatre is my heart and my home.

What’s a genre you’d like to do more of?

I’d like a good horror. I can’t watch them because I’m a scaredy-cat, but I’d love to be in one.

© Leo Staar

Do you get to spend much time at home?

Not enough. I’ve been gadding about.

Do you live in the town or the country? Which do you prefer?

I’ve lived in London since I left university. I live on a hill next to an oak tree, so it feels like we are in the branches. I can never leave London because I’d miss the culture stuff, but I am a woodland creature.

What’s your interior design style?

A mish-mash of old things I’ve found in auctions. Too many books.

How do you find balance in your personal and work lives?

I don’t.

What did you want to be when you were growing up?

An astronaut.

If you could give advice to your 15-year-old self, what would it be?

Don’t sleep with that guy’s flatmate when you are 21.

How can we all live a little bit better?

Choose love.

Anything fun in the pipeline – professionally or personally?

I’m going to run away to a southern European city for January and February to write.

Quick Fire

I’m currently watching… Only Murders in the Building

What I’m reading… We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson

The last thing I watched (and loved) was… Silo. I love Rebecca Ferguson.

What I’m most looking forward to seeing… The Motive and the Cue with Mark Gatiss in the West End because I was away for its National Theatre run.

Favourite film of all time… Don’t Look Now

Favourite song of all time… ‘Disco 2000’ by Pulp

Band/singer I always have on repeat… Leonard Cohen

My ultimate cultural recommendation… Join all the museums and galleries

Cultural guilty pleasure… Overcooked 2. It’s computer game where you run around and try to make kebabs.

What’s next for me is… Walking my dog in Beckenham Place Park – it’s south London’s secret mini Hampstead Heath.

Watch

Louise Brealey stars in Such Brave Girls, on BBC iPlayer from 22 November. bbc.co.uk

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"

Words count: 13,7K

The gif is mine ✨

Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse,  torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.

Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.

A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.

Series Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

(Y/N)'s point of view

I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.

We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.

There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.

We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.

- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.

- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."

Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.

- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.

- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."

- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.

- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."

- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.

- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."

I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.

- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.

And damn, that felt good.

When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.

It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.

We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.

Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.

That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.

- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.

- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."

- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.

- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."

- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.

- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.

- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.

- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."

- "You are gonna love it!"

- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.

- "Have fun with the girls."

- "What are you doing, by the way?"

- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."

- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.

- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.

- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."

- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"

JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.

- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."

- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.

- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"

- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.

- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."

- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."

- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.

- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.

- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."

- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."

- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."

The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.

The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.

- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.

- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"

- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.

- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."

- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."

- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.

- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.

- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer

- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.

I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.

But I let more months pass before I actually did something.

Spencer's point of view

I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.

Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.

A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.

Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.

What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.

We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.

I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.

Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.

When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.

I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.

- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father

- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.

- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."

Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.

- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.

- "No go, sinners, to your God."

And he pressed the trigger.

What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.

I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.

I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.

How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.

I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.

- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.

- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."

He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.

I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.

- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.

- "Why?"- I had to ask.

- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.

- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."

- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.

- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.

- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.

- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."

- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."

Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.

He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.

I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.

And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.

The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.

- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.

- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.

- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.

- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.

- "Don't try to trick me."

- "I would never try to trick you."

- "You are a liar."

- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.

- "Lying is a sin."

- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.

- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.

- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.

- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."

Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.

- "You know Leviticus."

- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.

- "The devil knows how to read too."

- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.

- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."

My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.

- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.

- "Confess!"

- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out

I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.

I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.

- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.

- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"

- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.

- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.

- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.

- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.

- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.

- "They completely tore her apart"

- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.

- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."

And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.

Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.

- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.

- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.

I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.

- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.

- "Not yet"

- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."

My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."

- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."

- "What's going on?"

- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."

- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.

That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.

I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.

- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."

Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.

- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.

- "(Y/N), I mean it"

- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.

Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.

- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.

It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.

- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.

- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.

- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.

- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.

- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.

- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.

- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.

Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.

But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.

At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.

- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.

- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.

- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."

Spencer's point of view

On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.

- "You need to eat."

- "What's your name?"

- "Tobias."

- "Tobias, who was here before?"

- "Probably my father."

He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.

- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.

He walked over and took out his belt.

- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.

- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.

- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."

- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.

- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.

And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.

My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.

- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.

- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.

- "I know, honey."

I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.

And the torture continued.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.

- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.

I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.

I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.

Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.

- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"

Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.

- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.

- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.

I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.

It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.

- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon

- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.

- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."

I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.

- "But then, it goes blank for days."

- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.

- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."

- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.

- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."

- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.

- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."

- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.

- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.

- "What do you mean?"

- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."

- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"

Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.

- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."

- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."

Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.

- "So, who is Raphael?"

- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.

- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."

- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."

Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.

When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.

The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.

- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.

- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.

- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.

- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.

That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.

- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."

- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.

- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia

- "Why can't you locate him?"

- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."

It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.

Spencer's point of view

- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.

- "Ready for what?"

- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.

Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.

- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?

It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?

- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."

- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.

- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."

- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."

I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.

- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."

My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.

- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."

Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.

- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"

He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.

- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."

He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.

- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."

- "They are all the same"

My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.

- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.

Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.

No. It wasn't Hankel this time.

- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.

Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.

- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."

I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.

He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.

When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.

But not. Raphael slaughtered them.

I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.

Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.

Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?

- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.

- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."

I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.

- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."

- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.

- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.

I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.

- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"

I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.

That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.

- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.

- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."

- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."

- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.

- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"

- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."

- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"

I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.

- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"

JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.

- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"

- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.

I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.

- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"

- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"

- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"

I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.

- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."

- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."

- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.

- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"

- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."

Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.

- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.

- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.

- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."

Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.

- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.

- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.

I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.

- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."

Spencer's point of view

I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.

- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.

- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.

- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.

- "Not if he can't find us."

- "He always finds me."

- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."

He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.

- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.

- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."

- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."

Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.

- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."

I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.

I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.

- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.

- "I've been reading"

- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.

- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."

- "Well, he is your doctor."

- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.

- "Where are you going?"

- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.

- "Come here. Let me read to you."

I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.

How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?

I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.

"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."

I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.

I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.

She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.

(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.

That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.

- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.

- "He just posted the last murder online."

- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.

- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.

- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."

- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.

- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."

She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.

- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.

- "I... I need to see it."

- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."

It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.

- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said

- "I won't watch this with you."

García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.

- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."

- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."

- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."

- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."

Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.

- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.

But I wasn't waiting for what came next.

- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.

- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.

- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.

I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.

That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.

- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.

- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.

I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.

- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.

- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.

- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.

- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"

- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered

- "And when was the time of death?"

- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.

- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"

- "Two or three minutes."

- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."

For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.

- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.

- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."

JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.

Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.

- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.

- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.

- "There can be only one of two reasons."

- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.

- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"

- "Seven."

- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."

- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."

I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.

- "Tell me who you serve."

- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.

- "Then choose one to die"

- "What?!"

- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.

- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.

- "You said you weren't one of them."

- "I lied."

- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."

- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.

The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.

- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."

- "No."

Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.

- "Choose"- he repeated

- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.

- "Life is a choice."

- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.

- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?

- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."

Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.

- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."

Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.

I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.

- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.

I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.

- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.

- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."

- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"

He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.

- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.

- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.

- "Right."

- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.

- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."

Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.

- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."

- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."

- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.

Spencer's point of view

I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.

- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered

- "I'm sorry."

- "Why?"

- "He'll win in the end."

It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.

- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.

- "I used to come here to get high."

- "I was right."

- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."

He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.

Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.

- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.

I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.

- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.

- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."

She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.

- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.

- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:

- "I'm doing this for you."

And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.

- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.

- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.

- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.

- "I wanna stay here!"

- "I'm... sorry, mom."

- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."

Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.

- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."

Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.

What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.

- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.

- "I sent her away."

- "Who."

- "My mom. I couldn't help her."

- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"

- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.

I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.

- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.

I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.

- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.

- "I know what I've done."

- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"

I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.

I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.

- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.

- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.

- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"

Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.

- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.

I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.

- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.

- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"

- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.

- "Reid!!"

(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.

- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."

I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.

- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.

The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.

- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.

But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.

- "You alright?"- he asked me.

- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.

For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.

JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.

- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.

- "Let's get you out of here."

- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.

But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.

And that's how the real hell started.

--

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @svveet-peas @muffin-cup @shilohpug

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: May 5th, 2021

[awed-frog]

jonathan stroud interview

Lucca Comics 2020

[Here is the link, but I don’t know how it works and if you can rewatch the event...it was a weird streaming interview, they lost a lot of time with the translation but the questions were interesting. I’m sorry I missed the part with Licia Troisi, but I was busy writing down Stroud’s answers and I couldn’t possibly do both.

Stroud appeared at his home (?); his study is 90% books - most of them looked part of a series, probably a demon hunting encyclopedia or something - and 10% weird artefacts, like a pharaoh’s bust.

Troisi and Stroud were interviewed by YA expert and editor Chiara Codecà.]

Where do your stories come from?

I start with a little scene between two characters, or a piece of dialogue. For The Bartimaeus Sequence, it was about a boy magician and a djinn, and the confrontation between them; the energy of the book comes from this initial confrontation. For Lockwood & Co, I had a boy and a girl coming to a house in London, knocking at the door...they had swords, were there to fight ghosts. I knew nothing about the story and who those guys were, but I loved the energy and wrote the story from there. 

Fantasy books always start with tiny acorns. As a writer you have to get excited by what you're doing...many times I try writing something and it has no life, but when I find a tiny scene that has life, I get excited, I think "I will stay with this and see if I can build it into something bigger".

Methods of working? 

I need to have discipline and write a certain number of words every day. I need a roadmap and to know where I'm going, but when I start it's very bad, there is no detailed structure at all, just a series of loose ideas and themes. Often I'll improvise for quite a while, write 50 or 60 pages of scenes, trying, and nothing really works...But I am looking for the story, for the right atmosphere, eventually a structure emerges and then I'll follow it and write chronologically. But that early bit is just about hunting and searching. I wish it wasn't like this because it's really slow! For the current book, I needed 2 years of work! It's a slow process for me. 

It is a mechanism, a complicated mechanism. Sometimes you start with a little piece on the inside, which works, you know it works, it's characters or a scene, you know it's good and a useful piece of technology, but at that point you need to figure out what goes on the outside. Often I have to take time to figure out how the bigger machine works from the tiny piece of engine I already have: what machine does this belong to? It's like you have to figure out what the car looks like, its purpose and colour and everything. That comes later for me.

Role of your previous life as an editor?

Being an editor is a noble profession, and an important one! For me it was essential to begin like this because it taught me how to look at text, how not to be afraid of changing and manoeuvring, playing with text. Not being frightened of these things is important. As a writer you have to learn not to be frightened of the blank page and of change. As an editor you become more relaxed about that. Now, as a writer, I spend time on things, if it doesn't work, I change it, move it; I'm happy to play with it, and I think being relaxed about that is a great skill to learn.

(Licia Troisi mentions she's a fan and is also a fan of The Name of the Rose, which she read more than 20 times)

It's what we all aspire to as writers, we want to create something that's like a home, a welcoming house, where people can come in and they're your guests, you make them feel comfortable. As a child I read The Name of the Rose, of course, but also detective stories in general, they're interesting...I read Sherlock Holmes when I was 10, those books have that same quality, you enter this world, and it's complete and beautiful. When you're inside you think it's a special, cozy place, I reread them very often since. When I write I try to consciously imagine that effect on me: as a writer you try to bring a warmth. You have terrible things happening, murders and ghosts, but you want to have a warmth also, which the reader will sense. It's an important quality.

Any news on the new book?

I have it here, it’s almost finished, here is the manuscript: The Outlaws: Scarlett and Browne, it's really thick! It's about the same length as a Lockwood book. It's a fantasy, a new series. The original idea was to do a British western, so it's set in a version of England in the future: many strange things have happened, it's a different place, more dangerous, like the wild West in some way, but British. There are monsters and cannibals but also our heroes: our heroine is Scarlett McCain, she's an outlaw, robs the little town dotting the wilderness. She's tough and formidable, and she meets a young boy called Albert, who seems a little foolish and weak, she gets crossed with him a lot but he may be more interesting than she thought.

It will be out in the UK in the spring 2021.

How are you coping with the pandemic and has it leaked into your work?

It's an interesting one...For me I think I'm lucky with my existence, I'm able to carry on working, I'm so much more fortunate than many others. I carried on working, my children are running around the house but it's not a problem. For the work...I've been working on this book for two years, and as I was writing this year I realized it has echoes of the current situation - but I had been working on it even before the pandemic. One connection is that the world of Scarlett and Brown is a very chaotic and challenging world; many people kind of hide themselves away, shut their doors, don't want to engage with the world at all. My heroes are two very different people, but both have a positivity to them, they're not afraid to embrace the world and these changes. And as I was writing, this was important to me: the world has horrible things to it, but you have to face up to them even if it's hard.

Imaginary worlds: you have to set rules, but do you always abide by them? Have you broken any rules?

You try not to, it's a bad mistake to break rules. For a very small but annoying one, with The Bartimaeus Sequence...the 1st book is always the most difficult to write, you're inventing and figuring out the rules...and there is mention of a computer, just once, a magician using a computer, and it's not an important detail, but later, when I understood my world better, I understood how ludicrous it was! These guys use magic, they can use it for everything, so they never...their technology has not advanced in the way it is in our world. I was very angry at this foolish mistake. It's very hard to accept tiny errors. This is why the new book it has taken me two years, I was struggling to understand the world, change things around. I hope the 2nd book will be quicker!

(Comment from the audience) Discovering a new book for the first time, there's nothing like it.

Yes, it's what we're all looking for, both as a writer and a reader.

Writers who inspire you? Any recs for our listeners? Advice for new writers?

Licia is wise, she's a sage, I agree with her tips (ie, read everything, in multiple genres, and write stuff you enjoy writing, not in view of publication). You have to write for pleasure, absolutely, it's the fundamental thing; if you get it right you will pass that pleasure on to other people. Like Licia, I like to play with genres, so as a reader I have to try everything...I always liked fantasy, Ursula K. LeGuin and others, but I read everything...At the moment I'm reading George Orwell, and he talks about politics, literature, truth, and whether it's possible to be a writer in a moment democracy is under attack. It's a very important read, and he's on my mind a lot.

What is the book you got most emotional to write?

The 3rd book in The Bartimaeus Sequence, Ptolemy's Gate, has carried the most emotional weight for me. It's the ending, it brings the story of Nathaniel and Kitty to a close, so I was anxious to get it right, I was very concerned about the ending. But once it was on the page, I had this great feeling of emotional release, I knew this was the best ending I could do and I was very proud of it.

How do you approach a character? The depth of feeling you manage is amazing.

Writing a character is like getting to know a new friend. You need to like them, to be interested in them, to slowly uncover who they are. Initially I know what they look like, maybe a couple of other things, but as I write, I slowly discover their inner lives, their secrets, their flaws, their sense of humour...it takes me a long time to find those things, but you need to find them. These are people you're going to work with for years. It's a constant discovery, you need to treat them like friends.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Sophia Jirafe

Seven of Sophia Jirafe’s fics are at Gossamer, but more of her X-Files stories are at AO3 (as sophiahelix). I’ve recced some of my favorites of her stories here before, including Stones and Bones. She was active in the fandom during the show’s run and has never strayed far from fandom in general. She co-founded Glass Onion, a great multi-fandom mailing list that now has nearly 1,000 fics from 100 fandoms at AO3. Big thanks to Sophia Jirafe for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

It did initially, but so many old shows are on streaming now and getting discovered by new people, it makes sense.

I did get a comment from someone who said my first story under this name, posted in early 2000 when I was a college freshman, was older than her by a couple of months, and THAT took me aback.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

It was my first fandom, discovered when I was 17 and searching for info about the show on the school library computer, and it really shaped my whole life! I met a lot of people I still know today (mostly in non-fannish venues like FB, though I do still have some connections in fandom), and learned a lot about writing and just life generally, since I was younger than most of fandom at the time.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

I started off on a tiny forum at a website called Squirrel’s Nest, but I kept seeing people thanking Scullyfic in fic headers and eventually I was able to join the mailing list (which was capped to 500 members). Scullyfic was everything to me — I made friends, betas, discussed the show, learned about all kinds of things on Off-Topic Fridays, etc. A lot of those friends, I would email with or more often chat on AIM (individual or these sprawling group chats that would go on all day), and then at the end of 2001 we started migrating to Livejournal. I was getting into Buffy more by then, but it was still mostly the same crowd of people I knew from Scullyfic.

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

I feel like it started me on a whole life path really — finding that my deep obsession with fiction could be channeled like that and shared with other people, as well as deepening my writing. Online fandom has been a major part of my social life for over 20 years now, and I love the mix of getting excited about things with friends and also the creative outlet.

My corner of X-Files fandom in particular was just very calm and enjoyable for the most part, full of older professional women who were happy to be friends and give me advice about all kinds of things, and it really set the bar for me with my online interactions. Now I’m almost 40 and trying to be that person for my younger friends, as well as having no patience for toxicity and in-fighting in my fandom spaces.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

A combination of the creepy conspiracy angle and just adoring Scully. I remember how mysterious and fascinating the show seemed when I discovered it right before S5, and there was no way to find out more except to keep watching and hoping they explained. Scully was so smart and tough and beautiful and interesting, and as a teen I was just captivated by her (and the UST, though I didn’t care about Mulder as much).

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I ran across it a couple times early on but felt embarrassed by the concept, but then I read the first in Karen Rasch’s Words series and suddenly it clicked for me. After a while I started daydreaming my own conversations between them, very similar to what happens to me now when I’m getting into a new pairing, so after reading tons of recommended fic by big authors, I started writing my own (the 3-4 stories I posted in high school are all wiped from the internet now, though).

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

Good memories, though because it was my senior year of high school and college, I know a lot of it is just tied to that time in my life, and also being in my very first fandom. I will rewatch episodes from time to time, but I basically never revisit former fandoms because they’re kind of like exes, even if I finished on a good note. I also think my taste in fic has changed (and there isn’t the same novelty of “characters I like getting together omg!”)

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

So many! None of them had quite the same combination of excellent central architecture (especially pre-AO3) and a really high level of discussion and friendliness without being enormous, but I’ve loved them all in their own ways. I’ve done fandom on LJ/DW, Tumblr, Discord, and now on Twitter, and I think I miss the mailing list days the most. You didn’t have to repeat yourself so much in multiple conversations, you weren’t character limited, and the discussion was all in one place, with personal stuff more confined to your side conversations. Discord is a little like that, but it moves too fast and there’s too much noise for my taste.

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

Heh, after X-Files I went through a whole phase of faves in the Scully vein — Buffy, Aeryn Sun, Kara Thrace, etc. Like many people I’ve shifted primarily into m/m in the last decade (Sherlock, YOI, and recently The Untamed have been my major fictional fandoms, along with a lot of sports RPF), but for non-fannish shows I’m always looking for awesome new female characters, like Elizabeth on the Americans, Peggy on Mad Men, Nadja on What We Do in the Shadows, etc. And I do LOVE Killing Eve and have written a little f/f over there.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I’ll rewatch favorite episodes occasionally, and I keep thinking about a full rewatch but it takes so much time! I never saw the second movie, and I didn’t finish the first of the new seasons because I was hating it, so it’s a little hard for me to think fannishly about them when I disliked basically everything after “Je Souhaite” so much (as far as I’m concerned the show ends there).

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

X-Files no, but yeah I’m still very active in fandoms.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

I lost all my saved fic several computers ago, but I recall loving “Blue Christmas” by Plausible Deniability and “Diamonds and Rust” by MustangSally (obviously everything she wrote was great).

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Looking at my X-Files fic, I can’t believe how short it is and how comparatively little of it there is (I have lost track of a few ficlets). It felt like such a big deal to finish anything back then! I think my favorite remains Alphabetum, which involved a tricky structure and 5 elements given by people as part of the Scullyfic Improv challenge, where you had a week to write a story around those elements.

My favorite of my recent fic in fictional fandoms is probably the GoT/YOI crossover novel I wrote a couple years ago, for a completely opposite experience to this (and proof you can grow as a writer with a lot of effort!)

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

It’s honestly hard to imagine going back (like I said, I usually don’t), but I guess I could get inspired by something.

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

I certainly still write, and I do have to give credit to XF fandom and Scullyfic in particular for giving me the start I got, where I really wanted to be writing good fiction. The few things I wrote in high school were just me jamming out romantic cliches, but the people I was lucky to know in XF fandom showed me that “just” fanfic can still aspire to be high quality. I am a much, much better and more disciplined writer than I was back then, but I might never have started on this path without fandom friends encouraging me.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

Usually just daydreaming about emotional dynamics between characters/people, but sometimes something specific in canon or real life (I write a lot of RPF) gets me going, or maybe something I read.

What's the story behind your pen name?

When I wrote for X-Files, I picked “Sophia Jirafe” combining my favorite first name with a fancy spelling for my favorite animal (I was 18! Don’t judge!) Over on Livejournal, my friend Jintian and I initially shared an account with the same name as our website, double_helix, and when she got her own account I changed to sophia_helix, which is now sophiahelix just about everywhere. A little clunky, but I like the continuity (and I do run across old friends who remember the name).

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

The friends I’ve known for a very long time know about it, but we have never talked about it in depth. My husband, who I met not long after getting into fandom, also knows about it, and he’s encouraging and also a writer so we talk all the time. I told my mom in college and she was pretty dismissive, so we haven’t talked about it since (but my younger sister knows and is cool about it).

When I was younger, it was something I shared readily (I bonded with a new friend in law school I saw looking at LJ), but now I don’t really bring it up with new acquaintances.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

I just made a Carrd the other day with all my various fannish addresses (Twitter, locked fannish Twitter, AO3, Tumblr)

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

Just that it really was a high quality fandom — so much excellent long casefic, so many cool down to earth people, just generally a great launching place for a young fan. The friendships I made with older people were really important to me, and it makes me sad to see a lot of younger people now getting upset about the idea of anyone over a certain age being in their fandom spaces. I hope someday fandom can get back to appreciating that people of all ages can be the fandom type, and that everyone brings something different to the community.

(Posted by Lilydale on December 1, 2020)

[mca-attack21]

The Impossible

This is my first Sherlock Holmes imagine, I hope you enjoy it. It takes place after the season four finale.

Sherlock Holmes, the first consultant detective and the last man anyone expected to be getting married. To be fair, he was not the same man he used to be. He had been changed by the people who loved him. The helped him evolve from a great man into a good one. Every person he met, every case he took, it all prepared him to allow love into his life. To allow you into his life. It was not easy, it was more than a simple deduction that he was used to. But after meeting you he knew that his greatest case ever would be figuring out how to be a man you could love. 

The beginning was simple, you were hired to watch Rosie on a regular basis. This led to a friendship with John and frequent interactions with Sherlock. Instead of being put off by his composure and intelligence you were in awe of it. Over time Sherlock would go out of his way to make sure the two of you would cross paths. Seeing you with Rosie, watching your face light up as he spoke, and hearing your laugh made him feel something that he didn’t understand. 

On a particular dull afternoon, Sherlock had made the mistake of asking about you. It didn’t take John long at all to figure out what was happening.

“You have a thing for my nanny,” he laughed.

“I certainly do not. High Functioning Sociopath remember. I don’t do love.” Sherlock replied.

“Keep telling yourself that Sherlock” John replied.

“I’m serious!”

“I’m sure you think that you are,” 

“John!”

“You should ask her out,”

“You are acting like a twelve-year-old” Sherlock shot back. It wasn’t like he hadn’t entertained the idea, but why would someone like you ever want to go out with a man like him. 

It would take three weeks for John to convince Sherlock to ask you out. He had to get coaching from both John and Mrs. Hudson and even then the entire concept seemed so foreign to him. That night he had met you at John’s house while you were babysitting Rosie. The two of you talked about his latest case. You knew that something was off and asked him about it. Eventually, with much rambling, he made it through his request. He stood silently over-analyzing every second before you had agreed. 

From there, things were interesting, to say the least. Sherlock had no idea how to be a boyfriend and it was very obvious. Luckily, you were patient and low maintenance. You would help him with cases when John was otherwise occupied. He would also stop in when you were watching Rosie. While your relationship was far from traditional, it worked. He may not have always picked up on your emotional needs, but he was there for you in ways that only he could be. His blunt and harsh words dimmed as he learned what it meant to love someone in a romantic way. He loved you in his own way, but it was precisely what you needed and you couldn’t imagine your life with anyone else.

The next step in your relationship was moving into 221 B Baker St. with Sherlock. He explained that it was convenient and cost-effective, especially since the two of you already spent so much time there. You laughed at his applied logic and agreed, excited to take the next step.

There was never a dull moment living with him between his experiments, cases, and friends. The longer you were with him, the more you realized he was like a grown puppy in constant need of attention and excitement. Whether it was a good day or a bad day, you were both always there for each other.

Mrs. Hudson was the first one to ask Sherlock if he was ever going to purpose to you. She had shipped the two of you since the first time she had seen you interact. She joked that Sherlock would not meet anyone else who adored his brain and was willing to put up with it so he’d better marry you or John and get it over with. He initially brushed off this comment, but it got him thinking. The two of you had never really talked about marriage or kids, that just wasn’t Sherlock and you understood that. Marriage was just a social construct, he found it pointless, at least he used to. Before John and Mary’s wedding.

He asked John his opinion on the matter which caught him completely off guard. He couldn’t believe that his best friend was actually considering getting married. He was so happy and helped him plan everything out.

The proposal, like the rest of your relationship, was nontraditional. You, John, and Sherlock were on a case together and it proved to be more unpredictable than Sherlock had anticipated. After momentarily escaping imminent danger, the three of you were trying to figure out your next move and he just let it slip.

“Y/f/n Y/l/n, if we make it out of this alive would you want to marry me?” he asked nonchalantly.

Before you could answer John spoke up, “Now?! We were just being shot at and you think now is the time to propose?”

“I’m sorry, is it not a good time? Would you rather me wait until after we get shot?”  he directed to his friend. 

“Sherlock-” John started.

“Yes,” you answered staring adoringly at the scene in front of you. This was your family and your life and you wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

“Yes, what?” John asked.

“Sherlock asked me a question, that is my answer. Yes.” you clarified.

“Really?” Sherlock asked.

“Yes, now can we figure out how to get out of here alive?” you added.

“Oh right, I have a plan,” Sherlock explained. 

“Of course you do,” John sighed not believing what he just witnessed.

That night ended with everyone making it out unscathed, the criminals in custody, and celebration of the engagement. When you made it back to 221 B Baker street Sherlock revealed the ring he had made for you. The two of you spent the next couple of months planning your wedding in-between cases, Sherlock was unexpectantly invested and excited. 

It was a relatively small gathering. You didn’t have much family and weren’t in contact with them. At the end of the day, it was John and Mycroft who was Sherlock’s co-best men, Rosie who was the cutest flower girl ever, Mrs. Hudson, the rest of the Holmes family, Molly, Detective Lestrade, and a few other close friends. Because you didn’t really have anyone else, you asked John to walk you down the aisle which he was honored to do. He later made a joke that you and Sherlock might as well had asked him to officiate the ceremony too.

You had both decided to write your own vows which were interesting. Sherlock went first pulling out his notes from his pocket and then deciding not to use them and speak freely instead. 

“I used to not believe in love. If you told me that I would be getting married I would have laughed at the ridiculous notion. I was logical and avoided emotions that would interfere with that. I never wanted the distraction that was love, furthermore, I didn’t believe I was capable of loving someone in a romantic way. But then I met you. I’m not going to lie and say that it was love at first sight or that I knew that we would end up together because it was not that simple. But over time I came to realize that I wanted to experience love and you. No matter how illogical, you had made an impact on my life and I wanted to explore that. Y/f/n Y/l/n you make me happy and complete in ways I can’t even comprehend. You make me want to be a better man, to be more like the man you believe that I am. So today in front of the people we love most, I vow to spend the rest of my with you, no matter where it takes us. The game is on.” he smiled.

“Oh my, how am I supposed to follow that?” you joked earning laughs from the others in attendance. 

“Okay, here it goes. Sherlock Holmes, you are one of the most brilliant and astonishing people I have ever met in my life. My life changed the moment I met you. You brought adventure, uncertainty, and excitement into my life. I know that there will never be a dull moment with the two of us. By marrying you, I realize that I am marrying science experiments in the kitchen, solving cases, and ending any chance that I had at a normal life which is perfect. I acknowledge that you are not perfect nor am I, but we are perfect for each other and that is what matters. You are everything that I never knew I needed and I love the person I am when I am with you. So today, I vow to spend the rest of my life reminding you who you are. I vow to be there for you at 2 am when the world doesn’t make sense and at 2 pm when it does. I vow to help you annoy Mycroft and to look after John and Rosie. I vow to spend the rest of my life with you, no matter where it takes us. The game is on.” you smiled reciting his last two lines.

The two of you exchanged rings and were directed to kiss which earned cheers from your friends and family. You quickly signed the papers and took the photos before adjourning to the reception that John had planned. It was nice and intimate. Your and Sherlock’s first dance was something that you would never forget. You had never realized that Sherlock could dance like that. The rest of the night was what you’d expect for a reception. You made it to the point of speeches and everyone took their turn. Mycroft’s was short and simple, he explained how he was proud of his brother for becoming the man he was and wished you luck as Sherlock was your problem now. The mood changed as it became John’s turn. His speech was so sincere and touching that it brought people to tears. When he completed, both you and Sherlock nearly tackled him in a hug.

As the night finished out, you and Sherlock prepared to leave on your honeymoon which was planned and paid for by Mycroft. You thanked everyone for coming and were on your way, knowing that John would see that everything was taken care of. You looked up at Sherlock dazed with how happy you were. This was easily the best night of your life. You couldn’t wait to see what lies in store for the two of you. After all, the game is on.

[silentauroriamthereal]

Author interview tag

I was tagged by @therealsaintscully! Thanks, you! :)

Name: SilentAuror

Fandoms: Just Sherlock, though I also follow some Old Guard blogs. :)

Where you post: AO3. Though I was almost knocked over the other day when I got a comment on an old HP fic over on skyehawke.com! It’s been literal YEARS since I got a review on anything over there! :P 

Most popular multi-chapter fic: Against the Rest of the World for sure. :)

Favourite story you’ve written so far: With 87 posted fics and 2 more currently on the go, I can’t possibly answer that. That’s cruel. Lol. 

Fic you were nervous to post: This, on the other hand, is easy, haha! Three stories, all for very different reasons: 

1. The A.G.R.A Complex. This was my first Freebatch fic and I thought I might well be burnt at the stake for even writing any RPF. The notion for this story caught my muses’ attention, though, and they eventually forced me to write it against my will. I can’t be held responsible. Lol. It still amazes me that people continue to read it to this day. The notion: Martin and Benedict are friends. There’s a car accident and Martin suffers a fairly mild brain injury. While in his coma, dreams the entire first three seasons of Sherlock, which in this universe, haven’t happened. The nature of the brain injury is such that he keeps shifting mentally between the reality of who he and Benedict (and Amanda) are, and seeing himself and everyone else as their characters in the Sherlock universe. When I posted it, I intended it to be left up to the reader whether to see it as kind of an AU to actual reality, or else a prequel to the filming of Sherlock. When I finally decided to write a sequel, it meant that I had to be the one to make that clear, which made it a prequel. It became a three-part series, with the second part set during and just after the filming of series 3 (the dodgiest in the moral sense, since it dances around and into real life events), and then the third story takes place ten years later. 

2. The Final Proof. Why? Easy. Major character death, and it’s Sherlock. That’s clear from about the first sentence, I think. I had written At the Heart of it All, which features Sherlock running an experiment using the hearts of people who lived lives where they had loved and been loved, and people who hadn’t in an effort to prove his own ability to love to John. He says something at the end of that story about wishing he could see his own heart at the end of their life to see which of the hearts his own resembled by then. And then my muses, my terrible, terrible muses said, “hey... you could write that: you know: Sherlock at the very end of his life, making John promise to look at his heart after he’s died, and complete his experiment.” I, like, teared up just at the thought, and honestly, I cried for most of the writing of that story. I’m assured that about 99% of the people who have read it have also cried throughout, so... sorry. Yeah. 

3. Scars. Why? Easy, again: the entire story is riddled with gaslighting and other types of emotional abuse and mind-fuckery, and an actual rape scene. It was painful to the point of being interally corrosive to write, but I still felt it was a story I needed to tell. I did my homework on this one, consulted multiple therapists who work specifically in the field of men who have been absued (emotionally, physically, sexually) by female partners. I thought no one would read it. I thought I might lose half my followers on tumblr. But I still wrote it. It still amazes me that people read it, even more when they actually like it, and still like me after. Lol. 

How you choose your titles: Hmm... each title genesis is different, I would say! Sometimes it’s a general theme of the story, sometimes it’s a specific concept or single word, occasionally (but not often) it’s a song title. Sometimes it’s another language, particularly Latin. In The A.G.R.A Complex, the title of the story is also the name that the neurologists given to the brain injury Martin experiences. Vena Cava is titled for the name of the vein that Mary’s bullet punctured in Sherlock’s heart, based on a medical analysis I had read. Scars takes its theme from both Sherlock’s external scars from what he went through during his time away, and John’s internal scars from Mary’s emotional abuse. I also have a whole series of (unrelated) flower-themed stories: The Green Carnations comes from ACD era coding for homosexuality. The Yellow Poppies is the story I wrote after the deleted scene about Magnussen’s hospital visit came out, which features both he and Mary as dual villains, and yellow poppies placed in Sherlock’s room as a threat from one or the other of them. The White Lotuses has a leitmotif of Hinduism and slow-blooming self-awareness and romance. The Red Roses is a Molly POV where she helps Sherlock and John get together in spite of her own feelings, and The Wisteria Tree is an amnesia story that has Sherlock forget the past six years of his life, including the five years that he’s been married to John, and how they find their way back together in spite of that. Rosa Felicia - bonus, both a flower name AND Latin, lol! - is a coming-of-age story about Rosie at the age of 19. Where My Demons Hide is a mid-series 4 story that I wrote after The Lying Detective aired, but before The Final Problem did, and is the title of an Imagine Dragons song. Pater Noster is Latin for the title of the Lord’s Prayer in Latin, but also quite literally just means “our father”, and is a story that centres around the events surrounding the death (murder) of John and Harry’s father. You get the gist. 

Do you outline: I always say that one should know how a story begins, how it ends, and at least a few of the major points between those two events. So yes, but loosely. I think that over-plotting kills creativity. It’s not an essay. But even essays need space to grow. 

Complete: 105 stories back in my skyehawke days, the vast majority of which are HP, totalling in about 1.5 million words. 87 stories in the Sherlock fandom (though those include my 4 Freebatch fics), totalling in over 2.3 million words now. 

In progress: I have two stories currently pending: a Christmas story called The Secret of Hazel Grange, and a trauma-based, co-sleeping fic called Nocturne.

Coming soon/not yet started: I never comment about fics I haven’t yet started. Might curse the entire process, lol. 

Do you accept prompts: No, alas. Neither prompts nor commissions. While I’m constantly desperately poor, it takes something out of the writing process for me once it becomes a job. I just feel like that’s not what fanfic is about for me. No judgement to anyone else who does write for commissions, whatsoever - we all have our own process! For me, I’m happy (make that incredibly grateful!) to have donations or supporters through my Patreon (eep: x), but writing to order just doesn’t quite jive for me. I also don’t take prompts, not because I don’t want them, but because I have such a huge backlog of my own ideas that I’ll never get to as it is. There will never be enough time to write all the fics I want to write! That said, don’t think that you can’t still suggest your ideas. My “official policy” (lol) is that I don’t take prompts (for the aforementioned backlog reason), but that doesn’t mean that if you do send me one, my muses won’t seize upon it and force me to write it. You never know. I certainly don’t, at least. :P 

Upcoming story you are most excited to write: I’m super excited by the notion of actually getting my Christmas fic finished by Christmas. Lol. Here’s hoping!! 

Tagging: Anyone who reads this and is a writer, or thinking about becoming one. You’ve been tagged! 

[alipeeps]

New tag game: Post pictures of your first ever (fictional/celeb) crush to the latest one and tag five others to continue the game

Thanks to @minmoyu for tagging me and ooof, are you sure you’re ready for this?!! :D I have been around/in fandom for a loooooong time and at first I thought, okay, no way I can list all my crushes, there have been SO many and we’ll be here all day but then as I started compiling a list I found I was having fun reminiscing and decided, what the heck, yeah, let’s do em all... or at least all I can remember! :D

There have absolutely for sure been other more minor crushes and passing fancies along the way, but these are the big ones that I remember (and that, in more recent years, I can track by going through my posted fanfics on AO3 and even *shudder* FFNET and seeing which shows I was into enough to want to write fic about the characters).

[Quick note: with rare exceptions, for actors I am listing them by the character they played rather than just the actor. Whilst there are actors that I like in multiple roles (and conversely, characters who on paper I would normally be into but are played by actors who do nothing for me, and hence the character generally does nothing for me either), for the most part it is the character I really have the crush on.]

I’m going to put this under a readmore cos it has gotten ridiculously long:

So... without further ado:

1. MORTEN HARKET from a-ha - OKay so, dating myself badly here but... I had the *biggest* crush on Morten Harket when I was a teenager. Pretty much the entirety of my side of the bedroom I shared with my sister was covered in posters of a-ha, and Morten in particular. I even had a heart-shaped Morten Harket pillow! :D I loved a-ha’s music (still do!) and I wanted to go see them in concert when I was 14 but my parents wouldn’t let me (*sob*). I did finally get to see them in concert in the early 2000s and they were BRILLIANT live (and Morten was still very very pretty)! 

2. RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON as MACGYVER - MacGyver is the first tv character I remember being really into and having a crush on, to the extent that I would record episodes of the show off the tv (onto VHS tape - yes, I am *that* old!) so that I could rewatch them (especially the ones where he got hurt - yeah, I was a whumper even then! :D)

3. KEIFER SUTHERLAND - One of my rare exceptions. I think I first saw him in Lost Boys (and loved him in that film) but it was his role as Doc Scurlock in Young Guns that really made me fall for both the character and him. I definitely remember seeking out any and all films he was in and buying any magazine he was interviewed in (and knowing far more facts about him than was probably healthy! :D) and even drawing a fanart portrait of him. :)

4. KYLE MACLACHLAN as SPECIAL AGENT DALE COOPER - I remember hearing about Twin Peaks before it started airing in the UK and it sounded so different and interesting... I watched it from the very first episode and very quickly developed a crush on Coop.  

5. BRENT SPINER as DATA - I think ST: TNG had been airing for a while before I stumbled across it but I quickly became hooked and Data was my favourite character right from the start. I definitely remember at one point buying an (unofficial) episode guide book so that I could look up which episodes were good Data-focused ones (especially ones where he got hurt! :D) so I could go out and buy the videos that had those episodes on (at the time the show was available to buy on VHS-tape with 2 episodes on each tape).

6. DAVID DUCHOVNY as FOX MULDER - Another show that I heard the buzz about and started watching right from the start and, like so many others, I immediately developed a crush on the snarky, enigmatic, troubled FBI agent with the weird name. The X-Files was the first show I ever tried writing (one, never-finished) fanfic for.

7. PAUL GROSS as BENTON FRASER - Man, Due South was such a good show! It was so quirky and clever and funny and Benton Fraser, with his huge heart and his serious demeanour and his gorgeous blue eyes, was just so darn attractive! He also got whumped a fair bit too! :D Due South was also the show that introduced me to the music of Sarah McLachlan (I was enough of a fan that I bought the show soundtrack on CD).

8. HUGH LAURIE as DR GREGORY HOUSE - This was a bit of an odd one for me because I had grown up knowing Hugh Laurie solely as a comedian/comic actor, known mostly for playing buffoons and genial idiots. And suddenly here he was with stubble, an American accent, and a limp, and he was hawt AF! :D It caused quite the feedback loop in my brain for a while which pretty much went “Wow, House is hot.... but it’s Hugh Laurie... but he’s hot... but it’s HUGH LAURIE!!1!”

I *loved* House (the first few seasons, at least) and oof a character with persistent pain (and a self-destructive streak a mile wide!) was a whumper’s dream. House was the first show for which I wrote - and published online - completed fanfics.

8. JOE FLANIGAN as JOHN SHEPPARD - Stargate Atlantis was my first proper online fandom, the first show I prolifically and repeatedly wrote fanfic for, and the first time I ever met in person an actor I was a big fan of (and while the show was still airing, to boot!). It was also my first introduction to the online community of whumpers! A bunch of us from the Shep Whump thread on Gateworld heard that Joe was going to be at a convention in London and we decided to book hotel rooms and meet up and go to the convention together and it was AWESOME! I can still remember seeing Joe *in person* for the first time and just,,,, struggling to believe he was actually here, in person, in front of me! He was super super lovely and humble too and took time to chat to everyone at the signing table and I clearly remember my brain just pretty much fritzing out during the photo session and being intensely aware of the sensation of Joe’s hand on my shoulder....

It was also super lovely to meet fellow fans, and online friends, in person for the first time and we had so much fun, and it kickstarted me going to lots of other conventions, including specific Stargate/SGA ones where I got to know lots of other lovely fans and online friends. I’ve met Joe about 4 or 5 times in total now and he’s been lovely every time.

9. PAUL BLACKTHORNE as HARRY DRESDEN - Gosh I loved the shortlived tv adaptation of The Dresden Files. I loved the fantasy aspect, the stories, the humour, and I especially loved Harry Dresden and how often he got whumped! :D 

10. DAVID TENNANT as THE 10TH DOCTOR - I had watched the Christopher Ecclestone revival of Doctor Who and enjoyed it well enough but I can clearly remember watching David Tennant’s first episode as The Doctor - on Christmas Day, at my brother-in-law’s house - and being aware, as I watched it that... ooookay, yes, I’m in trouble here... I like him... I like him a lot... :D I mean, I’m sure the fact that he got whumped so thoroughly in his very first episode had nothing to do with how quickly I fell for him... right? :)

11. ALEX O’LAUGHLIN as MICK ST JOHN - Another show that ended far too soon and just as it was getting *seriously* good. But also a prime example of my point about having a crush on the character not the actor. I looooooved Alex as Mick St John... and yet in Hawaii 5.0 he pretty much does nothing for me (the character is too stoic and the whump often too unrealistically glossed over). Anyway, in Moonlight he was my favourite kind of character - angsty, brooding, dangerous AF when he needed to be... and essentially immortal so you could whump the heck out of him and he’d recover so you could whump him again! :D

12. SIMON BAKER as PATRICK JANE - There is so much to love about Patrick Jane... his smarts, his sass, his angst... and Simon is a rare “against type” blonde crush for me (you may have noticed by now that most of my crushes follow a similar physical aesthetic - tall, slim/wiry, and dark-haired) and again here I think my crush is almost all to do with the character rather than the actor.

12. BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH as SHERLOCK HOLMES - I’m almost ashamed to admit it, given the clusterfuck that both the show and its fandom became, but in the earlier seasons I had quite the crush on Benedict’s Sherlock (and okay, a little bit on Benedict himself - I did definitely enjoy some of his other roles too). It helps that I was already a huge fan of the Sherlock Holmes character (I’ve read all the stories and novels multiple times and was a big fan of the Granada adaptation starring Jeremy Brett - whose Holmes would definitely count as one of my more minor/passing crushes) already. Benedict is another crush that I have met in person, at a (actually, the first!) Sherlock convention and he was lovely in person - very genuine, very articulate and thoughtful.

13. TOM MISON as ICHABOD CRANE - I was excited for Sleepy Hollow as soon as I heard about it and I was SUCH a fan for the first couple of seasons (before TPTB completely destroyed it and it inevitably got cancelled (I didn’t even watch the last season and a half)) and Tom’s Ichabod (and his amazing chemistry with Nicole’s Abbie) was a large part of why. I also quickly became a big fan of Tom himself as he came across as so witty and self-deprecating and *fun* in all the behind the scenes/convention clips etc. I was lucky enough to also meet Tom at a convention and he genuinely is that witty and charming and lovely.

14. TOM WISDOM as ARCHANGEL MICHAEL - I think Dominion was possibly the first show that I got sucked into by seeing whumpy gifsets on tumblr! :D It was such a great show and also to date the most immersive, welcoming, cast-and-crew-interactive fandom I have ever been in. The cast and crew regularly live-tweeted the episodes, and interacted with fans on Twitter, and it was SO much fun. And Tom’s Michael was my favourite character right from the start - seemingly aloof but so much going on under the surface... and some really nice whump, especially in season 2! I was heartbroken when it was cancelled after only 2 seasons (and just as the plot was getting *really* interesting).

15. OLIVER JACKSON-COHEN as LUCAS - I was hooked on Emerald City right from the first episode. It was visually stunning, so atmospheric, and really intruiging. I love love loved Adria Arjona’s Dorothy (ngl, I had a bit of a crush on her too) and she and Lucas together were just... *chef’s kiss*. I mean... what an introduction to a character... she finds him crucified, bleeding, his wrists tied with barbed wire, and amnesiac.... and the whump only gets better and better from there on in! Like the entire first two episodes are just... Lucas whump! :D And his devotion to her... Emerald City was honestly the first show where I really got into a ship. I was *invested* in Dorcas, dammit! Aaaand sadly another excellent show that never made it past its first season.

16. JASON RALPH as QUENTIN COLDWATER - Another show that I watched right from the start, was heavily invested in.... and that the writers absolutely tanked and destroyed in later seasons. *cries* Quentin was such a brilliant viewpoint character for the show and I loved his awkwardness, and his angst, and his enthusiasm, and his adorable floppy hair... and how often he got whumped! 

17. COLIN MORGAN - I fell for Colin in Merlin (which I stumbled upon late, long after it had finished airing, and hence was able to binge-watch the entire 5 seasons!) and liked him enough to seek out his other works, such as The Fall, and Humans, and The Living and the Dead, and he was brilliant (and very pretty) in all of them... and his characters also seem to get whumped quite a lot! :D 

18. MATT LANTER as WYATT LOGAN - Wyatt was another of my favourite archetypes... absolutely badass and competent... but also tortured and angsty and capable of intense devotion. Another show that I watched because of whumpy gifs on tumblr and the second ever show where I actually got invested in a ship - Lyatt all the way, baby!! :D - aaaaaand yet another show cancelled before its time.

19. NOCTIS LUCIS CAELUM from FINAL FANTASY XV - my very first video game crush! I was recommended to play FFXV by fellow whumpers on the whumpshire discord because it was whumpy... and they were not wrong and I loved the game and I absolutely adored Noctis. FFXV is one of very very VERY few video games that I have actually played right through to the end. And possibly the only video game that has ever affected me to such an extent... I became so invested in the characters and their world and I actually found the last couple of chapters really hard to play because it was actually upsetting me emotionally. I had to take a break for a couple of weeks before I could go back and finish it!

20. CONNOR from DETROIT BECOME HUMAN - and from there I jumped straight into another video game crush! DBH was another game recommended to me for its whump potential and I, and many others, immediately fell in love with the quirky, sassy, self-sacrificing (if you play the game right!) “android sent by Cyberlife”. The game itself is really good too... although, I have tried to play through all the different endings to the story but have never yet managed to make myself play the machine Connor storyline.... I want to complete all the story branches... but I also just want Hank and Connor to be friends and to be happy! :D

21. ZHU YILONG - Ahhh... the beginning of the asian drama arc of my fandom life! I first came across Zhu Yilong after getting sucked into watching Guardian because of pretty (and whumpy) gifs on tumblr... and I’ve never looked back. He is one of the rare entries where I am pretty much guaranteed to like him in pretty much anything he does and my crush extends beyond Shen Wei, or his other characters, and into reblogging his fashion shoot photos, and keeping up with news of his work in general. He’s just... so darn pretty! And also so... blur! :D And the behind the scenes stuff and interviews of him with Bai Yu, during the Guardian era, just made me fall for him all the more. He’s also ridiculously talented - not only a fantastic actor, but a really good singer (I love his singing voice), he plays guitar and piano, and he can paint too!!

He’s also pretty much what made me start learning Chinese... because after Guardian I went seeking his other dramas to watch... only to find that many of them are only partially, or not at all, subbed. So I thought... why not try learning Chinese and then I’ll be able to watch his other shows? :D

21. JI CHANG WOOK - My first kdrama crush, and what a good one to start with! Healer was the first drama I ever watched and can you blame me for falling for JCW... especially when I followed up Healer with The K2?! I’ve liked him in pretty much everything I’ve watched him in. Although I do wish he would go back to doing more action-based shows as he is sooo good at them... but he seems to prefer the romcom genre these days, which is something I am nottt always a fan of tbh.

22. JAKE HSU as MENG SHAO FEI - Yet another show that I got sucked into by tumblr - and also one with a great, fun fandom through which I met lots of lovely people who I still follow/am mutuals with to this day. I just *adored* Jake’s character in History and I also loved the ship - Tang Fan and Meng Shaofei were awesome and adorable together and I was totally invested in both the ship and the gangster/cop/what happened years ago story happening alongside the ship. And Jake is just all kinds of cute.

23. XIAO ZHAN - Aaaand we are pretty much up to current day now... where The Untamed took over my life in the summer of 2019 and has yet to let me go. Xiao Zhan is another disgustingly talented human being - a fantastic singer and a really good actor, and also an artist - and he also just comes across as a genuinely sweet and charming person, and a very thoughful and earnest one too. And lbr he is ridiculously pretty, and his smile is just pure sunshine. 

24. LEE DONG WOOK as LEE YEON - The most recent entry to the charts.... a Korean actor I was aware of but whose work I hadn’t watched and whose looks didn’t particularly seem to grab me... until I watched Tale of the Nine Tailed and fell head over heels for Lee Yeon (and daaayum does red hair suit LDW!!) and very quickly began to find LDW’s looks very appealing (and oh my, does Lee Yeon whump well!!). And yes, I have now started watching Goblin. :D

Phew! Aaaand we are done! I’ll admit, I did think of a few more as I was compiling this list but I decided to categorise them as more “minor” crushes and not include them... otherwise we really could be here all day!!

I’m going to tag: @sarah-yyy​, @arlothia​, @howdydowdy​, @thepromiseweheldforlife​ and @the-wandering-whumper​!

[a-real-ackerman]

Perfect Scenario

Sherlock Fanfic

summary: You, a super human, an excellent actor and a liar with debatable ethics; are having a hard time overcoming feelings  no one new you were capable of. On top of it, you have to deal with your “arch enemy” who has dedicated himself on the way of ruining your chances at your new life.

pairing: Sherlock x superhuman!Reader 

warnings: Mentions of abuse, mentions of suicide, violence, language and horrible mistakes... I dunno, I will write a current warning in red on every chapter.

A/N: Even tho I think Sherlock as an asexual character or not interested etc, I find working with well-known characters and less OC’s quite useful. Also, I see a lot of me in him so I will be writing about him more. Also, the reader is female. Also, gifs are never mine, all credits for those talented people. By the way, in case you see my mistakes don’t be shy, let me know! I am trying to improve my English.

Chapter One: “Trembling Hands.”

      “You don’t know who you are, unlike me.” was written on the card  you  recently received. Menacing words written in an elegant handwriting, appeared by your window, every morning since last Friday. there you stood by your counter, your e/c eyes wandering over the same simple words again and again, in a hopeless struggle to find any clues. You did not know what they wanted or cared about; what part of you they assumed they knew? Your super powers? Your business? Your therapist? Your past? Your parents’ death? All the lies you have been telling whole the time? 

      What you could analyse from each of these notes were the fact that they actually new about you. The words they choose were written in a friendly manner which told you that even tho you have never met them, they knew enough to consider themselves close to you. 

      You had a few assumptions on who they could be:

A secret admirer, in a sense, stalker

A conspiracy theorist who have witnessed your... condition?

One of the investigator who had researched you in your teens

Jimmy

     No matter which one they were,(more likely to be a he), he was a stalker. You did not like stalkers. But you were interested in this one’s motive. You wanted to beat their game before they could put their filthy obsessive hands on your very new and clean life.

     Hopping off the counter, you rushed into the living room and put the card on the brown coffee stand in the middle of the room, right next to others. Walking trough cold blue walls of you flat, you kept mentally checking the places you usually control, in case there were cameras. You were going to take a shower after all.

          “I have to ask him first,” said the man on the line, Holmes’ face shot a fake kind smile as he was face to face with the doctor. “ tell my brother I said hi.”

         Doctor threw a look at the phone in disbelief as Holmes hang up the phone. Sherlock was not in his mood for a new case. Especially not a case from his brother, which involves scammers, government, some mafia and a class action lawsuit that could bring them a big amount of money. The detective was too busy in his mind palace.

        John entered the flat and found his flatmate already waiting for him, sat on his chair with hands in praying position, eyes boring into him like he’s trying to ask something.

       Uncomfortable under the gaze, “Yes, Sherlock ask away.” sighed John.

       “John,” said Sherlock, “I have a suggestion.”

        John looked at him in suspicion, his eyes narrowing.

        “How about going out to see a play tonight?”

         John exhaled out of surprise to his friend’s suggestion, was he asking him on a date? For a case (of course)? 

          “Don’t worry John, about whatever you thought of-I don’t’ prefer to vocalise it. I think we may have a new case, which includes the leading actor. She seems to play a big part in this case as much as the play. I also want to witness myself if she was as good as they talked about.”

         “It’s okay, Sherlock, just for once.”

         Sherlock baffled,” What do you mean by ‘just once’? This is a case just like the others, you don’t want to solve cases anymore?”

         “No,” insisted John, “All I’m saying is: it’s okay to be a human just for once.It’s okay to take interest in a play, film or a person-”

         “-I AM NOT INTERESTED,JOHN,”

         It was too late to deny, John was already going upstairs, with a smug smirk of a self-proud mother who has just embarrassed their teenager.

         You have once again saluted the audience, holding hands with your teammates. A little stronger than usual maybe, you didn’t want to throw the decors and people off the stage. Your hands were trembling more since you couldn’t stop the seconds passing; and your head got dizzier every movement, with the help of flashing stage lights. Mavis, your co-actor since high school, leaned over your ear; “You always get so excited when it ends!” she whispered without knowing anything.

       You shot your perfect, warmest smile as your eyes wandered around the place in case anyone was suspicious. You locked your eyes with an awfully familiar man around your age, with curly hair falling on his forehead and eyes piercing onto you. He knew, he knew something and made it clear. He knew you.

”There she is,” you saw him whispering to his friend. You could listen to them is you focused enough, thanks to not being so human.

         But you choose to not hear anything.Thanks to your instincts being quite active this afternoon, every word had felt no different than a knife stabbing her ears. All of this pain was because you couldn’t use your power today. You were a bomb waiting to explode, your hands itching to throw people to the walls and your screams desired to ruin every window in the city. 

     The torture soon ends, but always leaves you shaken up. You turned from the left corner of the entrance of the theatre and entered the cafe where you have tea every night after performance. You didn’t die to drink it every night actually, yet the calming mix thing of this cafe could put an angry elephant down. Naturally, you could calm down too. It eased your nerves and relaxed your muscles which helped you overcoming your power. I you didn’t bother to control your powers, let’s say, no one nearby could survive.

    Whatever, you took your usual seat and smiled at the kind young waiter. You knew each other now, so you didn’t have to talk.(dreamy isn’t it? not having to talk?) You looked out of the window, watching the shiny cars passing by and colourful lights dancing. You slowly turned to the man who just sat in front of you, his arms crossed on the table and eyes gazing you in a weird expression between curious and astonished. Admiring and contemptuous. Familiar and hateful. Friendly and strange.

    “I have to say I am totally astonished by your acting,” he started. You were right about astonished. You smiled firmly, just because this one was choosing his words firmly. If he is one of those creeps you would send him off. But you had to be careful these days, anyone could lead you to the stalker.

    “You come here often.”

    “Yes, it’s not new. Everyone who has taken interest in stalking me knows.”

     He let out a chuckle which you didn’t expect to be this natural.”Sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Ironic, since I have come to apologise for making you uncomfortable.”

    His gaze took a lovely, apologising, soft form, which could melt your heart if you didn’t realise him checking for your expressions in between seconds. He was trying to impress you, for what?

    “It’s not very comforting of you when you follow me to a cafe.”

    “So it did,” he said, paying too much attention on your hands while you reached out to your tea.

    “Is he bothering you miss?” asked the waiter protectively, his voice a few octave deeper than usual.

    “I am fine, thank you Oscar.” you watched him walking away with a nod.”So what did what?”

    “Me. Looking at you. You noticed me in hundreds of people. You saw us talking about you.”

    “Please don’t start with that ‘love-at-first-sight-soulmate’ shit.” 

    “I was actually going to start with ‘you-somehow-know-you-are-in-danger’ shit.”

     Your mouth dropped with his super sassy mic drop. You had to be clueless, oblivious and self centred now. You were a normal person now.

     “Is this a threat? I am amused.” you smirked, don’t let them him the fear.

     “No,” he rolled his eyes, “This is an offer.”

      “I am Sherlock Holmes.”

      “OH!” you relaxed, “I know you, (y/n)(s/n).” you answered shaking his hand.

"Come on, drink it. You seem to be dying for it."

   You reached to the cuppa, not being able to hide your hands. As soon as this herbal smell filled your nose and followed it's way to your heart, a soft needy smile appeared on your lips. You felt your muscles getting back to normal.You opened your eyes.

"Now look," you threatened suddenly," if you are here to investigate my parents' death and sue me for it..."

He was more focused now, his gaze melted down to a more intense, even a curious one.

"I am tired. I am tired of this. For all my teenage years, my past, people defined me as a liar. So keep going, keep evoking my traumas. You won’t find what you’re looking for."

"There is a huge misunderstanding, "

He comforted you, leaning more onto the table, you almost loved this caring facade, a pair of eyes; signing no danger, no threat but just a simple caring feeling, were more than enough to let your guard down and believing someone. Just this once.

"I don't want to sue you. I offer you my help. Someone has opened your case again."

This was too much for you, with all energy trapped in your body your heart started to ache, your hands trembling in a way no one could stop.

"Trembling hands."

"What?"

"Show them."

You obeyed, held them up in front of him.

"I thought tea would help you."

"It does. When no one triggers me."

"Everything could trigger you. You live alone in the house your very own parents committed suicide. You don't even have pets which is surprising because you love animals, judging by a different cat and dog fur on your pants, coat, jumper, pretty much everywhere. You also have been avoiding your therapist, judging by the notification sound that you didn't answer after seeing the name. And no, it can not be your lover because you are alone live alone and have no attempt on your physical self-care, in addition, the cafe you go nearly every day or your friend group doesn't look for someone else after you arrive on your own. But those are not clear assumptions, knowing what your parents like is enough to assume you prefer to be single. You are alone for a reason. You think you’re dangerous.

So you live alone, have no one, and Scotland Yard is investigating you. You get stalked and for a reason, you always stay sharp and have a very defensive observant personality.

You are interesting enough for me. I will take your case."

"Is this a nerd way of asking for my number? If it is I will say yes."

"No, it's better, it is a smart way to interest you."

" What for? Why will you help me?"

" Because there is a game waiting for me,” he sighed, “and I am bored."

"Fine, this is my number here-"

"I already have it!"

Then he rushed out, putting his collars up, ruffling his hair.

A/N: I want to thank @fanfictionislovefanfictioni-blog​ for the request! 

[saiilorstars]

Falling in Temptation

Previous chapters • Sequel to Stars Dance •  Fairy Tale Memoirs (Companion story)

Ch. 25: The Girl Who Waited 

Fandom: Doctor Who // Pairing: 11th Doctor x OFC

Chapter summary: Amy gets separated from each other and when the Doctor finally finds a way back, they find a much older Amy Pond waiting for them. Now he has to watch as the little cluster of Ponds (including Avalon herself) decide which version of Amy they should bring back home. It makes the Doctor ask himself if his own relationship with Avalon will one day end up as broken as Amy's and Rory's nearly was.

Taglist: @ocfairygodmother @anotherunreadblog @maaaaarveeeeel​ @stareyedplanet @perfectlystiles

[If you’d like to be added to this specific OC’s stories/edits, send me a message!]

Can we please meet her? I promise I won't cause trouble?" Avalon was asking, or rather trying to ask calmly. She was trying her best not to look as annoyed as she was. She was currently at the bottom of the console stairs against the rail with the Doctor in front of her, pressing a trail of soft kisses down her neck. She'd succumbed to him quite easily since he'd chosen to keep wearing that dark brown coat she seemed to love so much. He'd figured it out very fast. Now Avalon wasn't complaining one bit about that but she was hoping to use this current moment of pleasure for both to get something she'd been wanting for some time now.

"Jane Austen was and is one of the most renowned writers. And for someone like me, it would be amazing to meet her," Avalon explained with her best soft tone, "I think it's good to get some perspective outside of Zelda. Please, won't you take me?"

The Doctor finally lifted his head to look at her. "That depends..."

"On?"

"We get to make it a date," the Doctor smirked.

"Done and done!" Avalon quickly took the deal, "So we're going, then!?"

"Sure, why not? Haven't seen Janie in a long time."

Suddenly, Avalon's joy faltered and she put a hand on her hip, "No, hold on, you call her...Janie?" she tilted her head, "So you know her then...? And you even gave her a little nickname."

"...so...?" the Doctor did not like where this conversation was headed to.

"So?" Avalon blinked and nearly pouted, "Doctor!"

"This is going bad very fast," the Doctor frowned, mightily confused, "Let's get back to the kissing, I liked the kissing, kissing was fun and peaceful."

"How long have you known this 'Janie'?" Avalon did air quotation marks, "Does she know about me now?"

The Doctor sighed. While it was a bit, or a lot, of fun to see Avalon getting so worked up over a woman he could hardly care less about, he had to stop her before she truly became angry. Last time she stopped talking to him for a week. He pulled Avalon against him and put a finger over her lips, "Ava, I happen to give nearly everyone I know nicknames," he pointed out, "I call Amy 'Pond 1', Rory 'Pond 2', and then I call Lena 'baby sister'. It just so happens that I met Jane Austen and call her 'Janie'. I appreciate Janie, and I love all our friends but it's all friendly I promise."

"But do you know if the writer likes you more than a friend?" Avalon raised an eyebrow, "Cos, she may, you know...and then when we get there...she'll take you away...and then try to kiss you or something."

The Doctor let out a small laughter, "We're friends, that's all!"

"That's never stopped anyone before!"

"Okay, but I have a you now. The only lips I will be kissing are these," he tapped Avalon's lips with a smile, "Now, can we please get over this jealousy scene and return to kissing?"

Avalon playfully rolled her eyes, "Yeah, yeah...but we're going to see Jane Austen, right?"

"What ever you want, love," the Doctor promised as he leaned over to kiss her again. In no time he had Avalon kiss back and resume their moment alone.

"Can you please stop snogging my best friend in front of my wife and I?" came Rory's plead as he and Amy walked in from the downstairs corridor.

The Doctor lightly sighed as he pulled away from Avalon, "Maybe we should go on that date right now..." he offered to Avalon who chuckled.

"Oh no, you're not," Amy shook her head, making the pair look at them, "You two have been blowing us off for your dates for weeks now. We-" she pointed between her and Rory, "-were promised time and space, not 'chuck us out to the nearest planet while you two have dates'."

"We just wanted to be alone," Avalon tried to excuse.

"And do what? Snog all the time? Those are not dates," Rory wagged a finger at them both.

"Don't know they sound like dates to me," Avalon bit her lip and looked up at the Doctor who snickered.

"C'mon guys, I'm happy that you're both doing well in this relationship, but don't you think it's time you co-live with us?" Rory asked and gestured to himself and Amy, "And you know, move away from stage 1?"

"Stage one? What's stage one?" the Doctor made a face and looked at Avalon.

"It's this silly human idea about relationships," the ginger sighed and draped her arms around his neck, "See, stage one is the one where we can't keep our hands off each other. We kiss and kiss, and you know...sometimes...go beyond that."

Rory cleared his throat and gave them sharp looks, "It doesn't always go beyond that."

Amy chuckled at his over-protection and stepped in to continue the explanation, "And stage two is the part where you finally settle down and start co-existing with other people. So, for example, you two could stop this stage one thing and try to coexist with us."

"Is there a stage three?" the Doctor curiously asked.

"That's marriage and you are not getting there yet," Rory answered mightily fast and with a pointed finger at the Time Lord, "Stage 2, stage 2 is perfectly fine."

"Guys, thanks for your input but we're okay," Avalon cut in and leaned on the Doctor for a reciprocated hug.

"We're not trying to push your or anything," Amy clarified their intentions, "It's just...there's a lot more to relationships than kisses."

"Believe us, we know," the Doctor wrapped his arm around Avalon's waist.

Of course he loved the kissing and all but he and Avalon were both on the same page when it came to the point of their relationship. It wasn't fooling around, they loved each other. He had no doubt in his mind that he would give anything to make her happy. Avalon felt the same. It just seemed like Amy and Rory had to be clued in.

"I've got a compromise," the Doctor spoke up, "How about we go to one place altogether and then afterwards, we go have our date?" He ended up looking at Avalon for the answer.

"That sounds good," she nodded, "Anywhere in mind?"

"Has to be amazing," Amy pointed.

"And fun," Rory added.

"Apalapucia!" The Doctor happily declared when the TARDIS stopped. He was really excited to show the Ponds, including his Pond, the gorgeous planet. It would be a leisure trip for them and hopefully a little fun date with Avalon too.

"Say that again?" Amy tilted her head, confused like the others.

"Apalapucia."

"Apalapu...?" Avalon tried to repeat the word but found it was harder than it seemed. "Are you just making up words now? Because we've talked about this."

"Cia," the Doctor tapped her nose, amused at her effort. "Apalapucia!"

"Apalapucia," Rory tried last and got it on the first try. He grinned proudly.

"Apalapucia. What a beautiful word," Amy considered it with a small shrug.

"Beautiful word, beautiful world," the Doctor assured, "Apalapucia, voted number two planet in the top ten greatest destinations for the discerning intergalactic traveller."

Avalon made a face at that, "So then how come we're not going to number one?"

"It's hideous," the Doctor declared, "Everyone goes to number one. Planet of the coffee shops. Apalapucia! I give you sunsets, spires, soaring silver colonnades!" he grabbed her hand and led her and the Ponds towards the doors, "I give you..." he threw open the doors to show them an empty white space with a double-set, grey doors across.

"Doors," Avalon finished with him, her head tilted and arms crossed as she studied the new environment.

"Doors," the Doctor was disappointed his little moment hadn't turned out how he planned, "Yes...I give you doors..."

"Oh yeah, definitely better than number one," Avalon remarked as they stepped out.

"Well on the other side of those doors I give you sunsets, spires, soaring silver colonnades," the Doctor said as he walked over to the doors with her and Rory.

"Have you seen my phone?" Amy finished putting on her jacket and remained at the doorway of the TARDIS.

The Doctor stopped and turned around, even more so disappointed no one was really seeing the grandness of the planet. "Your phone phone?"

"Yeah."

"Your mobile telephone? I bring you to a paradise planet, two billion light years away, and you want to update Twitter?"

"Sunsets. Spires. Soaring silver colonnades. It's a camera phone," Amy sighed as he failed to realize the reason for her phone. She wanted to capture it all and he didn't see that? Total clueless alien, that's what he was.

"On the counter, by the DVDs," the Doctor gestured.

"Thank you," she waved and headed inside the TARDIS.

"How do we get in?" Rory was in front of the doors that were locked.

"I don't know, push a button," the Doctor shrugged and pointed to the panel beside the doors which had two buttons, one green and another red.

Rory pressed the green button and opened the doors, revealing another white room with a table in the center and a large, magnifying glass on top.

"OK, so, rain check on the soaring silver colonnades," the Doctor gave up.

"No kidding," Avalon chuckled, "Is this like Sherlock Holmes or something?" she walked to the table and looked at the magnifying glass.

"Hey?" they heard Amy from the other side, the doors had closed after they'd walked into the room, "Hey, it's locked."

"Yeah, push the button," Rory called out. They waited a couple seconds but Amy never came inside, "Where is she?" Rory sighed as he headed for the doors and opened them up. He peered out and still saw no Amy, "Where on wherever we are is my wife?"

"What are you doing?" Avalon asked as the Doctor took a seat at the table, beside her.

"Playing Sherlock Holmes," the Doctor shrugged and pressed a button on the magnifying glass. Immediately, they both saw a blurry picture of Amy through the glass.

"Oh..." Avalon blinked, "...Rory, I think we found her..."

"What do you mean you've found her?" Rory returned to the room and stopped beside them to see his wife through the glass, "Whoa! No, but, she's not... she's not here! I can see her, but she's not here."

"Where am I? In fact, where are you?" Amy seemed to be looking around the glass, also confused.

Suddenly, the door at the other end of the room opened up to reveal a white handbot on the other side. Both Avalon and Rory stood straight and looked at the robot that had no face but did have real hands.

"Its hands..." Avalon pointed, already creeped out. That just wasn't right.

"Hands! Hello. Hands. Handbot with hands, Ava," the Doctor seemed less than concerned with their new guest.

"Welcome to the Twostreams Facility. Will you be visiting long?"

"Er, Doctor. Something's happening," Amy tapped the glass and made the Doctor look down to see the image was fading.

"Amy! Stay calm! Stay still!" the Doctor tried to get the image back.

"I don't think she has much of a choice," Avalon remarked to him, "Where is she?"

"Will you be visiting long?" the handbot asked again and reached for the trio.

" Good question, bit sinister," Rory panicked as the handbot started backing only him, "What's the answer to not get us killed?"

"Because that always works?" Avalon called.

"How about some help, then, Ava?"

"I'd love to...but I have no idea how to stop that," Avalon went after the handbot while the Doctor continued working on the glass, "Plus, have you seen those hands?" She stared at the rubbery-looking hands on the robot.

"Will you be visiting long?"

"And where have you been?" Amy's voice drifted over, sounding a bit irritated, "I've been here a week!"

"A week!?" the Doctor was appalled to hear, "A week?! I'm so sorry! Aha! Same room, different times. Two timestreams running parallel but at different speeds. Amy, you're in a faster timestream."

"Doctor, it's going again!" the ginger cried as the image flickered.

"Will you be visiting long?"

Avalon stepped in between Rory and the robot and kicked it back, "We don't know!" she yelled at it, "Now stay back."

"Come on. Gotcha! There. Stabilized, settled, shh!" the Doctor exclaimed once the image started appearing back on the glass.

"Thank you boyfriend for your help," Avalon called and made the Doctor look up to see her and Rory with the handbot.

"I told you I was coming up with a better label!" He said with a frown.

"Well, next time come help us and I'll remember that!"

"Sorry," he quickly stood up and hurried over to them.

"Why has this got hands?" she hoped she would finally get an answer on those hands. The more she looked at them, the creepier they were.

"Organic skin," the Doctor explained, "Ultimate universal interface, grown and grafted, not born. It's actually seeing with its fingers, scanning the room. But why not just give it eyes?"

"Will you be visiting long?"

"I just answered that stupid question," Avalon rolled her eyes.

"As long as it takes," the Doctor answered then returned to the magnifying glass, "Amy, what exactly did you do?"

"I just, I came in, and I pressed the door button."

"Ah... Amy, there are two buttons," Rory called, "Green anchor, red waterfall. Which one did you push?"

"I pushed the red waterfall," Amy quietly responded.

"Great," Rory rolled his eyes and opened the doors to go retrieve his wife.

"All because you wanted to update Twitter," Avalon joked as she joined the Doctor at the table.

"No, I didn't!" Amy frowned.

The doors reopened and in came Rory, looking confused and a bit irritated, "I pressed Red Waterfall, and she wasn't there!"

"So you can't follow her directly. You know, it's never simple!" the Doctor groaned, "Hear that, Handbot? She just pressed the wrong button. We're aliens, we didn't know," he turned for the robot.

"Statement... rejected," the handbot's two blinking lights on its chest stopped at a red light, "Apalapucia is under planet-wide quarantine. This is a kindness facility for those infected with Chen7."

The Doctor quickly covered his mouth and nose with his jacket's collar, "What?" At the action, Avalon and Rory did the same.

"What's Chen7?" Avalon asked, her voice slightly muffled with her cardigan's sleeve.

"The one day plague."

"What, you get it for a day?" Rory raised an eyebrow.

"No, you get it, and you die in a day."

"We should've gone to number one," Avalon mumbled.

"There are 40,000 residents in the Twostreams Facility. Please remain in the sterile areas. Visiting hours are now," the handbot lowered its hands and put them together, transporting away and leaving trio in the room

Slowly, everyone lowered their jackets, the Doctor being the first to heave a heavy sigh, "Sterile area, I'm safe."

Amy smacked the glass from her side and made everyone look back, "What about me!"

"Chen7 only affects two-hearted races like Apalapucians," the Doctor explained and calmed her nerves.

"And Time Lords, apparently," Avalon added.

"Yeah, like me. In that facility, I'm dead in a day," the Doctor didn't want to think about that and instead focused on their friend, "Time moves faster on Amy's side of the glass. Amy, you said you'd been here a week. What did you eat?"

Amy shrugged, "Nothing. I wasn't hungry."

"No, because Red Waterfall time is compressed. That's the point. The Time Glass syncs up the timestreams for visits. You could be here for a day, watch them live out their entire lives."

"And watch them grow old in front of your eyes? That's horrible," Rory made a face and shook his head.

"No, Rory, it's kind. You've got a choice. Sit by their bedside for 24 hours and watch them die, or sit in here for 24 hours and watch them live. Which would you choose?" the Doctor didn't wait for an answer as he picked up the glass.

"Doctor!?" they heard Amy shout in distress, "Doctor, don't leave me!"

"We're here, Amy," the Doctor was holding the glass where they could all see the frantic ginger, "We're right here."

"Where are you?" she looked around, "Am I looking at you?"

"Turn left, just a fraction," he instructed, "Bit more, stop. That's it."

"Eye to eye?"

"Eye to eye to eye."

"Hello," Rory waved once Amy was looking straight at them.

"Amy, I'm taking the Time Glass back to the TARDIS. Like satnav, I'll use it to get a lock, then smash through, using the TARDIS to get you out," the Doctor explained while using the sonic on the glass, "Until then, you're on your own."

"What are you doing?" Avalon asked him.

"Locking onto Amy. Small act of vandalism, no-one'll mind."

"Mm, yes, and how many times has that actually been the truth?" Avalon made the question only a mere second before an alarm went off, "Oh, look at that..."

The Doctor knew there was no time to waste and so explained to Amy what she needed to do, "Amy, I need you to go into the facility just for a bit. Find somewhere safe and leave me a sign. Remember, you're immune to Chen7, but don't let them give you anything. They don't know you're alien. Their kindness will kill you. Now go!"

Amy hurried to the door of her room and pressed the button, looking back at the glass just as they opened for her, "Rory, I love you. Now, save me. Go on."

As soon as Amy was gone, the trio ran back into the TARDIS to go and save her. The Doctor put the time glass into the console, "This is locked onto Amy permanently. Play the signal into the console, the TARDIS'll follow it," he explained to the others while attaching a cable to the glass. Unfortunately, as soon as he did that, smoke spewed from the console. The Doctor ignored it and pulled out a tool chest from underneath, "Now then, I know you're in here. Um... erm.. Haha!" he pulled out black-rimmed glasses and put them on, "How do I look?"

"Ridiculous," Avalon and Rory answered simultaneously.

At that point, the Doctor felt like the remark 'they are so family' would've been good, if only Avalon knew.

"Glasses are cool," he said instead and put the glasses on Rory, "Oh, yes. Hello, handsome man."

"Oh, hello," Rory gave a small wave.

"Uh, Rory..." Avalon pointed to the large monitor behind them where the Doctor was visible, clearly the glasses being the camera filming it.

"Rorycam!" the Doctor cheered.

"Conceited," Avalon spat, "You think you're so handsome..."

"Funny cos about an hour ago you weren't telling me otherwise," the Doctor sent her a smug smile. Avalon straightened up, clearly no words in mind to respond back which only made the Doctor's smug smile widen with triumph, "So, we're breaking into the Twostreams," he turned for Rory, "Now, I can't go in, the Chen7'll kill me on the spot. You will be my eyes and ears."

"Rory-cam," Rory nodded, "Rescue Amy. Got it."

"We'll be in and out, no problem," Avalon added.

"N-n-n-n-n-no," the Doctor promptly turned to her, "I specifically left your name out. You won't be going either."

She raised an eyebrow, "And why not?"

"Dangerous."

"My name," she pointed at herself with a smile.

"Ah, no your name is Avalon Harm-"

"Don't finish that," Avalon pointed at Rory, "You know I despise that name. Now I'm going and that's that."

"But-" the Doctor went to argue but Rory cut in and pointed for the console. They could figure out what they were going to do after they set into Amy's timestream place.

It was no surprise that the TARDIS would put up some kind of fight as they tried crossing timestreams. But in the end, the box finally allowed them to land in the correct timestream.

Rory stepped out of the TARDIS with the glasses on and the time glass on a belt worn across his body, "Red Waterfall! We made it," he cheered and looked around the gallery room.

Inside the TARDIS, Avalon was trying to get herself out there to help Rory but the Doctor was refusing to let her arm go. No matter how strong she was, she just wasn't stronger than him.

"I can go help," Avalon argued with him, "C'mon!"

"Ava, I would feel much better if you stayed here with me," the Doctor pleaded to her to rethink this, "Stay here, yeah?" he tugged her closer to him and wrapped an arm around her waist.

Avalon heaved a big sigh and looked at him, "Hey, we've spent an awful lot of time together lately. This is serious and my friend's out there, on her own. Let me go help."

"Rory's going to help and we can help from here," the Doctor gestured to the console.

"Okay, look," Avalon decided to try something else, perhaps the one thing that could make him understand, "Last time we went on a trip, all of us, Amy took the bullet for me and saved me from becoming a wooden doll. She's in trouble now and it's my turn to save her. You understand that, right?"

The Doctor of course understood that. Amy had told him about the reason why she'd become a doll in the first place; it would've been Avalon if Amy hadn't intervened and she was not going to let her granddaughter suffer.

"I'll be sure to make up for this later, okay,?" Avalon assured and leaned up, "With lots of kisses here and there," she smirked as she made her promise, even giving him a previous of her kisses to make her point.

"I hate that you have this power over me," the Doctor sighed with resignation. No, actually, he did not hate it. Who would hate to be kissed by her? Not him!

Avalon smiled in triumph, trying not to seem as smug as she really was, "Don't know what you're talking about," she kissed him a second time, "Gotta run," and she planted a third kiss which became a bit deeper than the last two, "Woah," Avalon blinked with a partial daze, "Gotta run...ish..." she shook her head and recollected herself, "Rory!" she called as she ran out.

Rory had been busy looking at the different collections the planet had in the gallery room, "Managed to convince him, huh?"

"Uh, yes," Avalon flashed a smile and closed the TARDIS doors.

"Dare I ask how?"

"Um...I don't think you want to know," Avalon fixed part of her hair and walked up to him.

Rory sighed, "This is just too weird sometimes."

Avalon rolled her eyes, "So then, Doctor, how do we find Amy?" She looked at the glasses.

"Rory, switch the Time Glass on and sonic it," came the Doctor's voice, "I'll send a command to the screwdriver. Amy's here somewhere. If I can just get a lock on her. I wonder what happens if we mix the filters?" Rory pulled out the Doctor's sonic and held the time glass in front of him and Avalon. As soon as the sonic finished on the glass, they all saw dozens of people in a blurred image, all milling about.

"And there they are. 40,000 time streams overlapping. Red Waterfall isn't one time stream. It's thousands," the Doctor informed as the two companions stared in awe.

"Are they happy?" Avalon frowned, wondering if being locked in a facility could be better than dying.

"Oh my Ava," the Doctor sighed, "Trust you to think of that. I think they're happy to be alive. Better than the alternative."

Rory lowered the glass in time for he and Avalon to catch a person running towards them, dressed in armor and with a katana aimed at them. They barely had time to process when the person knocked them both down.

"We come in peace!" Rory found no other words coming to mind, "Peace, peace, peace, peace!"

"Yeah Rory, cos that's gonna work!" Avalon rolled her eyes and sat up, flicking the katana at his throat, "Nice sword..." she had to remark.

"Ava!" Rory scolded. Leave it to her to praise a weapon being used against them. River Song was definitely her mother.

"I waited," the person finally spoke.

"Sorry, what?" Avalon looked up, half irritated with the scold.

"I waited for you," the person repeated and pulled the katana away. "I waited!" she pulled off her helmet to show herself. It left both Rory and Avalon quite stunned.

"Oh my..." Avalon's eyes widened at the sight of a much older Amy.

Rory's mouth had fallen open and while he tried to put his thoughts into a coherent sentence, all that came out were stammers. "A-Amy..wh-what's..."

"Doctor, what the hell is going on?" Avalon found it easier to ask the question.

Unfortunately, all that came out of the Time Lord was, 'Er..." He had no idea how he could've messed this up.

"Amy," Rory stood to his feet and helped Avalon, both still staring at the older ginger.

"I think the time stream lock might be a bit wobbly," the Doctor finally said something coherent.

"You think?" Avalon snapped.

Amy drew her sword to strike and scared the two. "No, please!" Rory pulled Avalon behind him, "Please!"

"Duck," Amy ordered and immediately the two did, allowing her to sink her sword through a handbot's head behind them. She put away her sword and moved over to the handbot, bending down beside it and pulling out a small, black box, "Handbots carry a black box in case they go offline. I've changed the cause of termination from hostile to accidental. Easy to re-program. Using my sonic probe."

"Amy," Rory called again, his voice quiet.

"Rory," Amy didn't spare even a glance as she worked.

"Amy!"

"Rory!"

"Oh for goodness sake, why are you doing that?" Avalon pointed to the box Amy held.

"I've survived this long by making the Handbots think I don't exist. Don't touch the hands. Anaesthetic transfer - if they touch you, you go to sleep."

"But you're still here?" Rory asked.

Amy stood up, staring at them both, "You didn't save me," she bluntly said and strode off.

"But this is us doing the saving," Avalon called as she and Rory hurried after her, "The Doctor just got the timing a bit out!"

"I've been on my own here a long, long time. I've had decades to think nice thoughts about him. Got a bit harder to stay charitable once I entered decade four."

"40 years alone?" Rory asked in horror.

"36 years," Amy made a face, "Thanks..."

Avalon elbowed Rory and gave him a look, making him realize his error, "No. Right, I mean... you look great. Really. Really."

"Eyes front, soldier."

"Still can't win then, eh?" Avalon tried to humor them but it didn't work.

"In fact, I think I can now definitely say I hate him. I hate The Doctor," Amy declared with certainty, "I hate him more than I've ever hated anyone in my life." She leaned closer to Rory, but not for him. She was looking directly into his glasses. "You can hear every word of this through those ridiculous glasses, can't you, Raggedy Man? You told me to wait. And I did. A lifetime."

"Amy..." the Doctor began but he didn't get to finish. Lately, he seemed to be getting everything wrong with the Ponds. He tried his best to keep them out of harm's way and yet something always happened to them. Last time, all three of them had been captured inside a fake dollhouse with killer dolls. Before that, they'd been chased around by the Scream. It was beginning to take a toll on him.

"You've got nothing to say to me!"

"Behind you!"

Amy turned to see two handbots closing in on them. She tossed her staff to Rory, ducked and put the handbots hands together, deactivating them. "Feedback. Knocks them out. Learned that trick on my first day," and once again, she made to leave.

They went out to an outer corridor and tried catching up with Amy who didn't even look back at them, "OK, so we just take the TARDIS back to the right time stream, yeah? We can stop any of this happening," Rory tried to reason, Avalon giving a small nod though she wasn't very sure about anything now.

"We locked on to a time stream, Rory. This is it," the Doctor regretted informing him.

"But this is wrong," Avalon frowned at the situation.

"Incredibly wrong," Rory added.

"I got old, Rory, what did you think was going to happen?" Amy rolled her eyes, assuming the worst from them.

"Hey!" Rory was not about to have that and so grabbed Amy's arm and forced her to stop and look back, "I don't care that you got old! I care that we didn't grow old together. Amy, come on, please."

"Don't touch me. Don't do that," she gave the order but didn't sound so sure of it as she left.

"This isn't you," Avalon made a face and went after her, "This isn't our Amy!"

"36 years, three months, four days of solitary confinement, Avalon," Amy stopped in front of some doors and turned to them, "This facility was built to give people the chance to live. I walked in here and I died. Do you have anything to say? Anything, Doctor?"

"Where did you get a sonic screwdriver?" the Doctor decided to question, only irritating her more.

"I made it. And it's a sonic probe!"

"You made a sonic screwdriver?" Rory blinked.

"Probe!"

"Give it up, Amy, you're not winning that one," Avalon had to advise as they entered the temporal engines room.

They followed Amy through a curtain she clearly made and found a small, isolated room where a Handbot stood at the corner. Rory stopped and forced Avalon as well when he saw the robot, "Oh!"

The handbot turned to them and allowed them to see a makeshift smiley face drawn where its face should be. Amy went across the small room, "Don't worry about him. Sit down, Rory."

Avalon giggled as both Rory and the handbot sat down, "You named the handbot after Rory?" she asked.

"Needed a bit of company."

"So, he's like your..."

"Pet."

"Somehow that's not making it better."

Amy pulled out a tube of lipstick and opened it up, meanwhile the other two studied the handbot, "Is it safe?" Rory asked.

"Yep. I disarmed it."

"How?" Avalon wondered just as they both saw the hands of the handbot chopped off.

"Oh, you...disarmed it," Rory slowly said, feeling a bit off about that.

Amy changed her mind on the lipstick and put it away, "Oh, don't get sentimental, it's just a robot. You'd have done the same."

"I don't know that I would have," the Doctor spoke up again, making Amy spin around and look at the glasses.

"And there he is - the voice of God. Survive. Cos no-one's going to come for you. Number one lesson. You taught me that."

"Is that really all I taught you?"

"Don't you lecture me, blue-box man flying through time and space on whimsy. All I've got - all I've had for 36 years - is cold, hard reality. So, no, I don't have a sonic screwdriver because I'm not off on a romp. I call it what it is - a probe. And I call my life what it is... Hell."

"Amy Pond, I am going to put this right," the Doctor assured, "You said you learned from an Interface. Can I speak with it?"

"Doesn't work in here," Amy informed then checked her watch, "2:23, the garden'll be clear now," she looked at Avalon and Rory, "Stay or go?"

"We're coming with you," Rory stood up and looked at Avalon for her opinion.

"Definitely," the ginger agreed with a nod.

"Then try not to get killed. Or do. Whatever," Amy tried to seem casual as she left, "When I first came here, I had to trick the Interface into giving me the information, but I've reprogrammed it now. It'll tell me anything except how to escape."

"You hacked it?" Rory raised an eyebrow, "That's genius!"

"Sorry to interrupt that beautiful moment," the Doctor cleared his throat, "But temporal engines have a regulator valve, which has to be kept from the main reactor or there's feedback. Interface, where's the regulator?"

"The regulator valve is held within."

"Ah! Oh, very, very "ah!" Interface, I need to run through some technical specifications. Rory, give me to Amy a minute."

"Here you go," Rory pulled off the glasses and moved to put them on Amy but the ginger refused.

"Amy just do it," Avalon sharply looked at her.

With a huff, Amy took the glasses and put them on, "They look ridiculous," she frowned.

"That's what we told him," Rory sighed, "Still, anything beats a fez, eh?" Everyone laughed but once Amy abruptly stopped, so did Avalon and Rory, "What is it?" he asked.

"I think that's the first time I've laughed in 36 years," Amy quietly acknowledged.

Avalon sadly looked between her friends, knowing they must have been thinking about the time they had lost. She sighed and touched Rory, ending their moment, "We should leave them...you know, to let them work?"

"Yeah, yeah," Rory nodded and walked out with her.

They wandered through the garden Amy had led them in through and took a look around, both wondering if this was where Amy had spent some time in...on her own.

"You don't...you don't blame the Doctor for this, do you?" Avalon felt the need to ask Rory as they walked.

Rory felt the concern in Avalon's tone and didn't want her to worry, "No...no," he sighed and put an arm around her shoulders, "He is never on time."

"Hm, 14 years," Avalon smiled lightly.

"Mhm," Rory nodded and they both chuckled.

"I just...don't want to have problems between the people I really care about," Avalon sighed. "And right now, Amy is really mad at the Doctor. I don't know who to defend first."

"Avalon…" Rory suddenly stiffened when he spotted a handbot coming towards them.

"Do not be alarmed, this is a kindness," the handbot said just like the others had.

Rory pulled Avalon behind him and backtracked together.

"Do not be alarmed, this is a kindness," the handbot said just as it touched Rory's face with its hand.

"Rory!" Avalon cried as he fell to the ground. "Oh great!" She looked up to see the handbot that would surely be going after her now.

Amy arrived in time to stop the handbot. She cut its head off with her sword and looked between the two, "Rory?" she knelt beside him.

"Glasses," Rory pointed.

Amy stood up and turned away, "You stupid..."

"You saved us," Avalon smiled at her.

"Don't get used to it," Amy muttered.

Rory stood up and studied Amy for a moment, specifically her eyes, "Have you been crying? A little bit?"

"Shut up, Rory," Amy tried to order but her voice was far too weak for that.

"You have, haven't you?"

"Woman with a sword. Don't push it."

"OK, so here's the plan," the Doctor spoke up, "Time is always a bit wibbly-wobbly, but in two streams it's extra wobbly," in the meantime he spoke, Amy handed the glasses back to Rory, "I've worked out how to hijack the temporal engines and then fold two points of Amy's timeline together. We're bringing her out of the then and into the now! Amy, I just need to borrow your brain a minute, it won't hurt, probably - almost probably...and then, Amy Pond, I'm going to save you."

Amy stared into the glasses, her eyes narrowing, confusing Rory and Avalon. One would think she'd be ecstatic that they'd found a way to truly save her. "No," she took out her probe, "Time's up, Handbots coming!" And she hurried out, leaving Avalon and Rory to follow.

~ 0 ~

Amy was striding back towards her secret hiding place in the engine rooms, doing her best to ignore the pleas of everyone who wanted to 'help' her.

"Amy, you've got to help us help you. I need you to think back 36 years ago. Amy? Amy!?" the Doctor was the primary insistent one to talk to her.

Without a word, Amy went inside the engine rooms and left Avalon and Rory outside. Avalon noticed several smudges on the doors and walked up to them, "Funny...if I didn't know any better I would say this is...lipstick," she glanced back at Rory questioningly.

Rory moved over and lifted the time glass to the doors, allowing them to see a message in red lipstick Amy had left for them. Rory sighed, "You told her to leave us a sign. And she did. And she waited. Oh, Amy."

Avalon opened the doors and went inside, marching straight to Amy, "Okay, why won't you help yourself? You wanted us to save you but look at you?"

Amy shook her head, still refusing, "He wants to rescue Past Me from 36 years back, which means I'll cease to exist. Everything I've seen and done dissolves, time is rewritten."

"But that's...that's good, isn't it?" Even Rory was confused about her attitude. Being rescued meant that she wouldn't have to go through the solidarity she'd been forced into.

"I will die," Amy enunciated slowly for them, "Another Amy will take my place, an Amy who never got trapped at Twostreams, who grew old with you, and she, in 36 years, won't be me."

"But you'll die in here," Avalon scratched her head. "Isn't that...isn't that better?"

"Not if you take me with you. You came to rescue me, so rescue me."

"Leave her and take you?"

"We could take this Amy with us, easy, but if we do, our Amy has to wait 36 years to be rescued," the Doctor warned in case they actually decided to go with that.

"So I have to choose - which wife do I want?" Rory took a small breath, already knowing that couldn't and wouldn't end well.

"She is me," Amy pointed to herself, "We're both me."

"You being here is wrong. For a single day, an hour, let alone a lifetime. I swore to protect you...I promised."

Amy didn't say a word and instead went inside her small room, leaving the two to think about it.

"Rory..." the Doctor began.

"This is your fault!" the human spat.

"Rory!" Avalon was disappointed he went back on his word, "You promised..."

"I'm sorry Ava but it is," Rory huffed and spoke to the Doctor, "You should look in a history book once in a while, see if there's an outbreak of plague or not."

"That is not how I travel," the Doctor snapped.

"Then I do not want to travel with you!" Rory pulled off the glasses and threw them to the ground.

Avalon was torn between the two sides but even more so angry with Rory. "You said you wouldn't blame him! How…" She shook her head. "If you haven't noticed, it's a pretty big universe with millions of different problems. It is impossible to know what the current state of a planet is all the time."

"36 years, Avalon, 36!" Rory pointed to the closed curtains. "She spent 36 years on her own!"

"And you think I'm not as upset as you are? I love Amy! But this wasn't anyone's fault! It's like when you blamed yourself for accidentally shooting Amy after the Pandorica opened."

"That's different," Rory sighed, really not in the mood to argue with her as well. He was too confused and angry, a horrible combination that he was aware of.

"Yeah, cos it was you. You didn't mean to do it, you didn't know who you were, it was impossible. What's happened here was also impossible."

"Ava, Rory," the Doctor called again, sounding like he was giving a test, "Is the time glass still on?" he asked them, "If the link's still active, I think I can hear Amy. Our Amy."

Rory slowly lifted the time glass in front of the small room of Amy and saw none other than the young Amy through the glass, sobbing quietly to herself, "Oh, Amy," Rory entered the room still holding the time glass. He went straight to the present Amy and knelt down to where she sat, "Look me in the face and say you won't help her."

Amy did as told and looked him in the eye, "I will not help her."

"Oh yeah?" Avalon couldn't believe that was her friend and was not going to stand for it, "Alright, then," she gently pushed the time glass up in front of Rory's face where the young Amy was sobbing to herself, "Look us in the face and say that again," she challenged Amy.

"Rory? Rory is that you?" the young Amy turned from the wall, "Rory, where are you?"

Rory used the sonic on the time glass and allowed the young Amy to see them through the glass, "Same place as you - and a bit ahead."

The present Amy peered into the glass, "I remember this," she mumbled.

"But who's she?" the past Amy studied herself, "There's no-one else here, but... me."

Rory handed the glass to the present Amy and took Avalon out with him, hoping the two Amy's could get on the same page to allow for some type of plan.

"You realize what's gonna happen in there, right?" Avalon quietly asked him.

"What?" Rory looked at her with concern.

"Two Amy's, in one place, well sort of...there is going to be some shouts and colorful words."

Rory shared a smile with her, "She's not you."

"Hey, River's her daughter and she's got some colorful vocabulary, she had to have gotten it from somewhere," Avalon pointed out, "And let's face it, you don't have that."

"Shush, Ava," Rory mockingly-scolded her.

"Ha, in other words, I win the argument," Avalon said with pride, making him (and managing) chuckle.

Suddenly, Amy stepped out of the room, "I'm going to pull time apart for you," she looked at Rory. Avalon stepped away as the two couples hugged and kissed, "OK, Doctor, Twostreams is back on air. Right, OK, so this is big news, this is temporal earthquake time. I am now officially changing my own future. Hold on to your spectacles. In my past, I saw my future self refuse to help you. I'm now changing that future and agreeing. Every law of time says that shouldn't be possible."

"Yes, except sometimes knowing your own future is what enables you to change it, especially if you're bloody minded, contradictory and completely unpredictable," the Doctor nearly had a chuckle.

"Oh so you meant Amy," Avalon laughed.

"Well actually my mind drifted to you," the Doctor said and ended her laugh right there and then.

Avalon crossed her arms and glared at the glasses, "Terrible danger you're getting yourself into, Fairy Tale Man."

"Anyways, back to crossing time streams?" Amy cleared her throat and ended the ensuing argument. She led them out to the outside corridors, "I'm trusting you to watch my back, Rory."

"Always. You and me, always," Rory nodded with assurance.

"Hey, and me," Avalon waved a hand, making them chuckle.

"Cos here's the deal... you take me too in the TARDIS. Me too," Amy turned to them, ending the amusing moment.

"But that means that there'll be two of you, permanently, forever," Rory realized.

"And that way we both get to live."

"But two Amy's together..." Avalon couldn't quite wrap her mind around that. By all logic, that couldn't very well work.

"Can that work?" Rory asked the Doctor.

"I don't know, it's your marriage."

"Doctor!"

"Perhaps, maybe, if I shunted the reality compensators on the TARDIS, re-calibrated the doomsday bumpers and jettisoned the karaoke bar, yes, maybe, yes. It could do it. The TARDIS could sustain the paradox."

Avalon remained quiet at that, he was lying. He had to be. She may not be some Time Lord or that big of a genius but she wasn't stupid either. Paradoxes could not be sustained unless you had a paradox machine, and she wasn't aware the Doctor had one.

"Right. Amy..." Rory put on the glasses and saw the young Amy, "And Amy. The wife and the wife, right."

"That won't get confusing," Avalon remarked quietly.

"OK, Amy - Past Amy – stand by the door. Future Amy, you too," the Doctor ordered, "Future Amy, can I borrow your sonic scr... probe?"

Amy sighed, "It's a screwdriver," she handed it over to Rory then went to the doors.

Rory used the sonic on both Amy's then returned it to her.

"Rory, sonic it, double our power. Amy Now, you're our link to Amy Then," the Doctor continued on with the instructions, "We need to get a signal through. That signal will be a thought. Amy Now and Amy Then, share a thought. Something so powerful that it can rip through time. Rory, sonic the plinth front. Inside you'll find three levers and a jumble of wiring. That's the regulator valve. After we've rebooted, you have ten minutes to get back to the TARDIS. Pull out the red and green receptors, re-route blue into red and green into blue. Leave red loose and on no account touch anything yellow. Come on, Rory. It's hardly rocket science. It's just quantum physics."

"Does he ever stop for air?" Rory made a face to Avalon.

"Eventually," Avalon mumbled with a smirk.

"Eugh," Rory pretended to shiver and continued with his work. No grandfather should ever have to hear that.

"Now the lever," the Doctor called, "Throw them in order! Amys, start thinking the most important thought you've ever had. Hold it in your head and do not let it go! Lever one."

Rory pulled the lever and immediately the two Amy's started to think of one common thought.

"She's doing the Macerena," Rory blinked.

"Aww..." Avalon smiled, knowing exactly the importance of that dance.

"Our first kiss," Rory whispered.

"Lever two, Rory," the Doctor ordered, "Lever three."

Rory pulled the levers and made the time glass shattered. Little by little, the young Amy appeared across them.

"Oh, Amy!" Rory exclaimed.

Amy glanced to her older self and blinked, "Oh, my God."

Rory ran over and hugged Amy, both incredibly happy. Avalon watched and smiled with true joy, though she became a bit sad for the older Amy, and soon it was the same story for the young couple.

"Sorry..." Rory quietly said.

"Hello," the older Amy greeted.

"Hello," the young Amy waved.

"I don't know what to..." they both began but stopped when they realized both of them were talking at the same time.

"Weird," Avalon and Rory whispered.

"OK, this is weird. Right, just stop doing that," the two ginger became defensive, and irritated.

"How about Amy One speaks first?" Rory suggested.

Both gingers turned on him, "Which one's Amy One?"

"Oh, wrong move," Avalon made a face.

"I am," both gingers argued, "No, I am! Rory! Rory, just stop doing that!"

"Both of you shut the hell up!" Avalon yelled and succeeded in quieting them down.

"Ah!" Rory hissed as the glasses started sparking.

"Oh. Rory, Rory, take the glasses off. You're getting temporal feedback," the Doctor called to him as Rory threw the glasses to the floor, "Whoa! Calm down, dear! Ava, Rory, Amy, we've created a massive paradox and the TARDIS hates it. She's self-phasing, trying to get out of here. What's nasty Amy done to you? Just calm down, dear. Hang on in there. Ava, Rory, you've got eight minutes left. I'm sorry, you're on your own now."

"We're not on our own," Avalon tried to look at the positive side, "There's Rory and me and...two Amy's," she made a face, "Yeah, maybe this is bad."

"We're not on our own," Avalon looked around, "There's Rory, and...two Amys," she made a face, "Okay yeah, this can go bad real soon."

"Do not be alarmed," handbots appeared.

"Incoming!" Rory exclaimed as several more robots appeared for them.

'With me," the present Amy handed her younger self the staff.

"I don't get one?" Avalon frowned with disappointment.

"Absolutely not!" Both Amys immediately declared, flinching Avalon.

"Okay, freaky how you both do that," she mumbled as Rory took her to their positions.

"Amy, Kate Hayler, year ten hockey," called present Amy.

Young Amy immediately got the idea, "Go for the shins!" she smashed the handbot's shins and flipped the robot over on its back.

"Rory!" Avalon cried as a Handbot appeared in front of her, "We need weapons!" she kicked the handbot back.

"They're cutting off the Departure Gate. We can't get back to the TARDIS," Rory had glanced back the way they'd come in as he tried battling out his own handbot.

"Side door!" present Amy offered, "We'll go behind them!"

~ 0 ~

As they made their way down the staircase, the two Amys had started a conversation that didn't end so well...

"Think you're coming with us, just like that?" younger Amy was demanding an answer, and fast, from her older self.

"Yeah, just like that."

"Rory, talk to her!" young Amy looked at Rory who was ahead of them, with Avalon.

"Now, ladies..." the man began but Avalon cut through, heavily annoyed with the argument.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Avalon shouted, "You sound like snobbish children!"

"Oi!" both Amys frowned at her, 'Don't talk to me that way, I'm your-"

"Amy," Rory had caught where the sentence was ending and stopped running, giving each of his wives sharp looks.

Avalon noticed the little looks shared between all three, and it surprised her more that the disagreement had vanished and a common agreement had appeared, "What? What is it?"

She received no such answer and was instead pulled away, continuing their route for the TARDIS. Soon again, the disagreements had risen up between the two Amys.

"Where are you going to live?" young Amy was asking her older self.

"Not with you, don't worry. I'll go travelling. Pop back for Christmas, maybe Easter."

"Amy, you always say, cooking Christmas dinner, you wish there were two of you," Rory tried to humor but it seemed not to be working.

They followed the older Amy up to a room with shut doors. She used the sonic on the doors to get it open.

"Why can't we just teleport inside?" Avalon curiously wondered.

"It's not a teleport, it's a time jump."

"They can't shunt within the same timestream," young Amy said.

"Yes," her older self agreed.

"The TARDIS is in the Gallery," Rory reminded as they finally entered the room.

"Gallery closed."

The older Amy ran up to a table in the center and pressed the buttons, "Controls are stuck. They've locked them from outside."

"Well can't you unlock them?" Rory raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, give me a minute and your cutest smile," she winked just as Rory smiled, "That's the one."

"Can you stop flirting with me?" he cleared his throat, "You're old enough to be..."

"I've known you my whole life. How many games of Doctors and Nurses?"

"Eugh," Avalon shivered as she went up to them, "Now I get why you do that with the Doctor and I. Totally, completely, unnecessary."

Suddenly, all the doors of the room opened up to reveal handbots, "Do not be alarmed. This is a kindness."

Older Amy chucked her staff to young Amy while Rory tried using the sonic on the controls, eventually pressing the correct button and opening the doors to the room the TARDIS was in. Older Amy took lead with her sword and staff to use on the handbots they came across with. Everyone else made a run across the room while pushing several more handbots out of their way.

"Go! I've got your back!" Older Amy shouted to them as she took care of more handbots.

Young Amy was touched by a handbot on the face and gave a shout as she fell to the floor. Upon seeing that, Rory ran over to her, with the Mona Lisa portrait, and rammed it on the handbot's head, successfully shutting it down. He then picked up Amy and started running again.

"Is she okay!?" Avalon followed after him as they headed for the TARDIS.

"Hopefully!" Rory kicked the TARDIS doors open and rushed inside. He set her down on the floor just as the Doctor came over to check on her.

"It's just an anaesthetic. She'll be fine," he quickly stood up and ran for the doors, making eye contact with present Amy. She knew what he was going to do and so dropped her weapons and charged across the room for the TARDIS. The Doctor willed himself to shut the doors, "I'm sorry," he breathed as he locked it.

"What are you doing?" Rory stood up angrily.

"I lied to her, Rory," the Doctor confessed, looking at the door where present Amy had arrived and was pounding on it to be let inside, "There can't be two Amys in the TARDIS. The paradox is too massive."

"She'll die!" Rory shouted.

"Technically, she wouldn't," Avalon slowly stood up, quietly rubbing her arm, "I mean, if time is rewritten then technically she'll never have existed."

"But she happened!" Rory couldn't stop shouting, "She's there!" he violently pointed at the door.

"No, she's not real," the Doctor brought himself to say it.

"She is real, let her in!"

"Look, we take this Amy, we leave ours. There can only be one Amy in the TARDIS. Which one do you want?" the Doctor grabbed Rory and put him in front of the doors, his hand over the latch, "It's your choice."

"This isn't fair," Rory spat, "You're turning me into you."

"Your choice, Rory..."

"I, er.." Rory faced the doors, his mind going blank for a second.

The Doctor returned to young Amy and Avalon, checking the unconscious ginger a final time before heading for the console. Avalon tried touching him but he shook her off, not wanting to face her after what he'd done.

"Rory? Please," present Amy put a hand on the window of the door, making Rory do the same, "The look on your face when you carried her. Me. Her. When you carried her away, you used to look at me like that. I'd forgotten how much you loved me. I'd forgotten how much I loved being her. Amy Pond, in the TARDIS. With Rory Williams."

"I'm sorry, I can't do this," Rory declared and moved to turn the latch open.

"If you love me, don't let me in," Present Amy surprised him with the request, "Open that door, I will, I'll come in. I don't want to die. I won't bow out bravely. I'll be kicking and screaming, fighting. To the end."

"Oh, Amy. Amy, I love you," Rory took a long sigh, knowing he would have to listen t her request.

"I love you too. Don't let me in," present Amy pleaded, "Tell Amy, your Amy, I'm giving her the days. The days with you. The days to come. The days I can't have. Take them, please. I'm giving you my days."

Rory let go of the latch and stepped away from the door, "I'm so, so sorry..."

With that, the Doctor de-materialized the TARDIS from the planet. They had moved Amy to one of the chairs by the console and checked to make sure there was nothing wrong with her. She would just be sleeping for a bit more.

"Did you always know it would never work? Saving both Amys?" Rory asked the Doctor, the two sitting on the staircase looking after Amy.

"I promised you I'd save her and there she is. Safe," the Doctor patted the man's shoulder.

"Yeah, there she is," Rory had to agree on it.

As they stood up, Amy began waking up. The Doctor headed for the corridors to give them some time. Avalon was coming out from the corridor with a blanket for Amy.

"Hey," she tried to greet him in an attempt to start a conversation with him since he was seemingly trying to avoid her.

The Doctor mumbled a 'hey' back but moved around her and continued his way to the corridors. She looked down for a moment then walked towards Rory, getting the surprise to see Amy awake...and questioning for her older self.

~ 0 ~

Later in the night, Avalon crawled out of her bed and grabbed a white blanket to drape over her shoulders. She hadn't slept very well, mostly because she didn't really feel tired, but it was more to the day they had. She hoped that perhaps something to drink could do the job. Of course a normal person would go for a tea...Avalon went with a strawberry milkshake. She had a nice pink milkshake in front of her, topped with whip cream but absolutely no cherry on top. Just as she was about to take a sip, the Doctor entered, unaware she was in there.

"Hey," she decided to greet him again and managed to surprise him.

"You're...not supposed to be awake," the Doctor eyed her suspiciously, seeing the blanket still over her yet a brand new milkshake in her hands.

"I wasn't tired," she shrugged, "Insomnia, remember?"

"Right..." the Doctor looked to the side. She would still think it was insomnia and not that tonight was one of those nights she didn't need the rest.

"You want some?" Avalon slid her glass to him, "It's strawberry."

"What? No cherry?" he eyed the glass.

"Eugh, I don't like them," she crinkled her nose at the thought of a cherry on her drink. "It just ruins the milkshake."

He smiled at her, making a mental note for future references. It would go under the same list that involved never giving her anything with fish.

"Fairy Tale Man, are you mad with me?"

"What? Never!"

"Then why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not-"

"Please don't waste time in denying what is so clearly true," Avalon sighed again and looked down, "I know perfectly well when people are avoiding me and you, sir, are doing it."

The Doctor knew she was thinking of the people in Leadworth who tried their best to avoid her at all costs and on no account did he ever want her to think he was one of them. "Okay, so maybe I didn't want to talk...but it wasn't because you did something," He took a seat next to her. "It was because of what I did."

"What you YOU did?" Avalon raised an eyebrow and straightened up, "And what exactly was that? Cos I think I missed it."

"What happened today...I...it's a bit complicated to forget," the Doctor sighed, "Especially when it's my fault."

"No," Avalon reached for his hand, "It's so not your fault. You didn't mean for any of this to happen."

"Well my little accident caused Amy to live 36 years in solitary, nearly made you and Rory die and-"

"What is the point in thinking of what happened and could've happened when it's all over?" Avalon raised an eyebrow, "We're okay now, don't bother yourself with that stuff."

"That 'stuff' is important to me," the Doctor frowned, "One little error and bam, Amy's dead. Or one little slip and oh look, Rory just got squashed. Lena did good in leaving, honestly."

"And me? What, you think I should've left too, then?" Avalon urged him to answer then groaned when he just looked away from her. "This is not happening," she mumbled to herself as she stood up and promptly moved over to sit on his lap, her arms around his neck. "I thought you never wanted me to leave..." she forced him to look at him with a hand under his chin.

"I don't," the Doctor quickly clarified, "But I can't help worrying what could happen to you." His mind kept flashing him bits and pieces of his profile he had from the Teselecta. Each day brought him closer to his supposed death day and because he still had all the Ponds with him, it meant he would be dragging them to that day as well. He couldn't do that to Avalon. If the Silence and Kovarian did manage to kill him then he would at least make sure she was okay. If he was dead, then they would finally let her and the rest of her family live in peace. That was the only bit of peace he could find in all that mess, but right now he still had Avalon and he didn't want to lose her. So what was he supposed to do? He brushed his hand against her cheek. "Ava, I love you. I would never want to leave you." Want being the operative word. He would never want to leave her, but if it ever came down to her safety and their relationship...he would choose her safety in a heartbeat. It was what he promised Rory, after all.

"Doctor, I know that you feel guilty about what happened but...it wasn't your fault. You can't go around blaming yourself for everything bad that happens. That's unfair."

"I can't help it," the Doctor admitted. "You are my responsibility-"

"No, we're not. We choose to travel with you. We choose to explore and whatever consequences there are. It's about time you start realizing that and I'm gonna make sure that you do."

"Yeah, what are you going to do?" The Doctor looked at her with a small, amused, smile.

"Well, for starters," she reached for her milkshake on the table and took a sip. She then offered him some. "It's therapeutic."

The Doctor laughed. "Right." He moved the straw over to his side and drank from it. "It really needs a cherry though."

Avalon crinkled her nose. "Absolutely not! Unless you want to be single again. Go on, take another drink. I'll make more but you have to stay around so I can keep reminding you that nothing was your fault."

The Doctor wouldn't argue against having that type of night with her. He just knew that it wouldn't matter what she said to him because he would always want to keep her and her grandparents safe.

[mesmeret]

Huxloween Day 4: Ghosts Couch and Sword of Chateau Jakku

Rey and Finn were excited to hear there was an estate sale with rumored haunted items. The items inside the decrepit Arkanis Manor were in surprisingly great condition. Finn tried to be discreet with his EMF meter but only got an eye roll from the estate manager. Rey was naturally gifted and instantly went upstairs to the guest bedroom on the left.

"Ah! Fantastic!" Rey exclaimed.

Hux was startled realizing the young woman was looking straight at him. He pointed at himself and she nodded enthusiastically before calling for Finn. Her partner comes in with a slight frown, "What's up?"

Rey beamed, "We've got a true ghost! Now we have to figure out if he's attached to something."

Finn's brows went up, "Really? Awesome!"

Hux watched as Finn walked around the room with the meter. He didn't know if he was attached to something. He couldn't remember much at all to be honest.

Finn frowned as the meter barely registered anything from the decor in the room. Rey huffed in frustration, worried that Hux was attached to the building itself or was linked to something somewhere else. She closed her eyes and then looked at Hux in his eyes, "Where's your home?"

Suddenly he was downstairs on his favorite couch. He looked up at the loud stomping of Rey's feet as she ran around. He felt giddiness for the first time in over a century as she jumped down two stairs at a time. She saw him and cheered. Ignoring the shushing from other buyers, Rey sat down on the couch, "I'm taking you home!"

The Chateau Jakku was a tragic mishmash of Victorian Rococo. Hux lamented every time he saw Morris & Co mashed up with overly ornate gilded furniture amongst the dozen guest rooms. He tried to tell Rey about the inaccuracies but she seemed to not fully hear him. She said it was like he was talking underwater. Exasperated, they reached a middle ground of dream walking. They would move the vase on the dresser of Rey's and Finn's bedroom to signal they needed to commune.

Rey laughed when he revealed that her decor faux pas was all he had issue with. With a little digging, he admitted he was getting a little bored when the guests aren't around.

The next day Finn calls for him. Finn flusters, not quite sure if he had an audience or not, and explains audiobooks to the seemingly empty room. Hux is fascinated as Finn starts the Fellowship of the Ring on what he explained to be a CD player. He showed Hux how to play and pause the story. Finn startled as Hux pressed the button to pause. They both laughed as Hux pressed the button again to play. Hux ached a little that Finn couldn't hear his appreciation. He tentatively pats Finn's shoulder.

Finn yelps but then giggles with excitement, "Wow! I could see you kinda!"

Hux tilts his head and firmly presses his hand on Finn's shoulder. Finn gasps taking in the tall red head wearing a nearly unsettlingly sheer silk dressing gown with an ornate print that complemented the ice blue couch. Finn ducked his head, "Hello, neighbor."

Hux smiled and gave a nod in return.

---

Hux hadn't realized how accustomed he was to his new life until Finn brought home the longsword. The young couple were fretting where to hang the monstrous blade. They settled with the wall beside Hux's couch in the sitting room.

Rey was rambling to Hux about the new spectral resident. A knight in the late medieval era is believed to be haunting the sword. What Rey knew for certain was that the name Ben Solo was attached to the sword.

A hulking, angry man appeared when she said that name. He growled and only Hux was startled. He quickly deduced that he could only see him. A few minutes of blabber, Rey admitted that she can only sense his presence. She has yet to see him.

It may be a blessing. He had a terrifying gash nearly bisecting his skull. His black robes were singed and torn. Hux was deeply unsettled but his strict upbringing of etiquette kicked in.

"Hello, sir. This sword belongs to you?"

Eyes of rage took him in and softened. To Hux's relief and awe, the gash faded away. Before him was still a broad man, but with soft facial features. Nearly boyish. Hux blushed, "You probably don't know what I'm saying."

"Of course I do. Don't listen to her. I'm not from the past. I was killed five years ago!"

Hux startled, "Oh! Oh, dear. Do you want them to solve your murder? We could do that."

"No. I kinda like this. But call me Kylo. You are?" The ghost came closer to Hux with a hand extended.

Hux felt a flutter when their hands didn't pass each other. He replied softly, "I'm Hux. It's pretty decent here. When there are guests, I like to do a little show. A bit of levitation and what not."

Kylo seemed to perk up, "Really? Awesome."

Hux gave him a look, unsure where that rage is lurking. "I believe we have a couple on their honeymoon tomorrow. I tend to brush their hair to tickle their fancy."

Kylo laughed, "Here I thought you'd be boring and uptight!"

---

Hux learned that Kylo was a Renaissance Faire Re-enactor, thus the odd clothing. Kylo deeply enjoyed juggling amongst the guests of the Chateau. Hux found the raucous man charming. However he caught himself cleaning up after Kylo a bit. Hux deduced quickly that mentioning the name Ben was the key to unlocking Kylo's rage. Hux carefully hid the name placard and thought that was that.

"Where's the Ben Solo sword?" An obnoxious tourist stumbled into the sitting room due to their children rushing in.

As the family filled the room, Hux felt the oxygen leave. Kylo howled dropping the comic book of Finn's he was reading. The killing blow tore open his skull. Hux froze in terror but snapped into action when the children screamed. Realizing that Kylo was visible to the living, Hux darted to Finn outside of the Chateau. Rey was in town.

Finn cursed as Hux pushed himself into his body. Thinking as HARD as he could, Finn heard him and sprinted to the sitting room. All the furniture was twisting in a whirl. The family was in the hall terrified. Kylo was crackling in and out of their view with each heaving breath.

Finn clenched his fists and stomped straight up to Kylo, "Dude, chill."

Kylo's glowing eyes stared at him, "I will when they leave."

Finn sighed shaking his head, "Can't do. But you can calm down, right?"

Hux watched with jealousy that Kylo could easily communicate with Finn. But Hux did have importance. "Kylo, tell him that the name is your trigger!"

Finn gasps as Kylo reverts back to his whole self while staring off to the side. Kylo's head tilted as if listening. He then turned to Finn, "I-um- Hux says to get rid of the name of the sword. Say it belonged to Kylo Ren."

"Why?" Finn frowned at the odd name.

"Because I'm Kylo Ren."

"Oh. But Snoke-"

The lights broke as Kylo howled in pain at the name of his murderer. Finn winced at the sounds and yelled, "Kylo! Sorry! We'll change everything!"

Kylo was fading in and out even for Hux. Hux felt a deep ache and found himself floating over to behind Kylo. He let himself wrap his arms around Kylo and mutter soothing nonsense. Kylo stiffened but relaxed as Hux stroked the gash on his side. To Hux's relief, Finn seemed not to notice.

"Please do," Kylo sighs exhaustedly and the furniture floats back down to the floor. Only Hux's couch goes to where it should. Books fall off the bookshelves and the reading lamps are on their sides on the side tables. Hux rests his chin on Kylo's shoulder once Finn ushers the family to the gardens.

They swayed together for a few minutes before Kylo shuddered in silent sobs. Hux sighed and moved to face him, "It's going to be okay. We want you here."

Kylo gave him a shy, guilty look, "You want me here?"

Hux blushed, "Yes, I want you with me."

---

"Remember, we have a company retreat all week starting at four pm today. So please keep it down during their group exercises," Rey muttered while changing the discs of the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes series. She pretended she did not see Kylo laying with his head on Hux's lap while Hux ran a hand through his hair. To her relief, she and the few other supernaturally gifted seemed to see the ghostly couple when they doted over each other. She did deal with the occasional complaint from guests but they were under the impression it was raucous guests, not the ghosts.

"Okay," Kylo speaks for Hux and himself.

Rey gives them a nod and moves on to get ready for the guests. Hux tilts his head, "I think she can see us, not just you."

Kylo hummed, "Yeah. Though seeing me hover partially from the couch with my hair moving would be enough of a hint for her."

Hux gave a little huff, "So I should refrain when she's in the room?"

Kylo turns to nuzzle Hux's abdomen, "Don't ever refrain."

Hux sighs feeling a deep peace. This is where they were meant to be.

END

[tearsofthemis]

Tears of Themis : Chapter 1 “Social Snobbery” Part 5

[Previous Part] | [Masterlist] | [Next Part]

▌ Location- Commerce Avenue

MC: “Miss. Xue, is the restaurant entrance located in an alley?”

(As we approached the restaurant, Xue XinRang suddenly pulled me toward a side road.)

Xue XinRan: “You can call me XinRan. Grandpa Fang converted the first story of his home into the restaurant, so that’s why it’s not front-facing on Commerce Avenue.”

(I’m guessing it’s to be expected in the CBD area, but even the less frequented side roads are kept meticulously. The entranceway had a comforting atmosphere, as a light breeze picked up the delicate scent of camellias kept in flowerpots.)

Xue XinRan: “We’re almost there, it’s just around the corner. What do you think of the camellias, aren’t they pretty? Grandpa Fang planted them in memory of his late wife.”

MC: “I can see that Mr. Fang’s love for his wife has never wavered…”

MC: “...”

(After we rounded the bend, I stood still in place. We came face to face with someone who felt both familiar, yet foreign. He resided in every single one of my precious childhood memories, and yet, he had disappeared from my life eight years ago without a trace.)

MC: “Xia… Xia Yan!”

(He turned at the sound of my voice as his amber eyes widened in shock, recognition, and finally, lit up with joy.)

Xia Yan: “MC, is that you? It’s gotta be!”

(He ran toward me, and his bright smile instantly took me back to a sunny afternoon, eight years ago…)

[Flashback]

MC: “Xia Yan! How many times have I told you not to read while sitting on the window ledge, what if you fall?”

Xia Yan: “Sorry, I was lost in thought and ended up sitting here by habit.”

(The warm summer winds that rustled through the trees, and the birds that perched on its branches filled the skies with a lazy song. The colorful years of childhood melded away as our voices changed, but now, the memory only grew clearer in my mind…)

MC: “Are you thinking about your acceptance to Capital University? Mom called during lunchtime and leaked the news. She said you won’t be coming to school tomorrow.”

Xia Yan: “Yeah, I was accepted early to Capital University, I’ll move to the capital next week.”

MC: “You are absolutely incredible, to get accepted into the country’s top university in your sophomore year!”

▌ [Examine Xia Yan’s face]

Xia Yan: “Why are you staring at me so intensely…”

MC: “I can’t help but notice that you don’t look too happy, is your program major not to your liking?”

Xia Yan: “I don’t mind it, I’ll be studying bio-engineering. If my mom caught wind of the news, I think she’d be ecstatic. However… we’ve never been so far apart from each other. Will you… You have to work hard so you can get accepted and come to the capital to find me!”

MC: “There’s no way I’d apply to Capital University. I want to pursue my law degree, and everyone knows Stellis University’s law program is the best in the industry... The copies of Sherlock Holmes in your room, are you taking all of them with you?

Xia Yan: “Nah, I’ll leave it at your parents’ place. I'll leave you my bedroom key, you can borrow them whenever you like.”

MC: “Getting accepted to Capital University is such good news, I don’t understand why you and my parents were so tight-lipped about it.”

Xia Yan: “It’s because I asked them to keep it a secret. I didn’t know how to break it to you. All these years of me slumming it with your family, I’ve caused you guys a lot of trouble, so I-“

MC: “Hey hey, just because you’re going away for university, does that automatically demote us from family to strangers? God, I can’t believe you’d even say something so outrageous.”

Xia Yan: “W-wait! Don’t get upset, I misspoke.”

▌ [Examine Xia Yan’s key necklace]

MC: “Since you’re leaving anyways, can’t you tell me what’s in the box that’s opened with this key?”

Xia Yan: “Don’t you think it's more exciting to hang on to the suspense? When everything under the sun has been said and done, the story would have reached its ending.”

▌ [Examine Xia Yan’s book]

Xia Yan: “I’m the one who got accepted to university, so why do you seem happier than I am?”

MC: “Of course I’m happy. The top student of our grade is leaving, I can finally experience the joy of not being number two.”

Xia Yan: “That’s why you’re happy? You should’ve said so sooner, I would’ve let you have the spot…”

MC: “STOP! I don’t want you to let me have it!”

Xia Yan: “Ha, even if I tried my hardest to compete, once we get divided into streams, you’ll easily be the top student in liberal arts. I thought it’d a shame that we won’t be in the same classes, little did I know, you didn’t share the same sentiments…”

▌ [Examine the window]

MC: “Alright, alright, let’s liven up. Early acceptance is a happy occasion.”

Xia Yan: “Let’s promise to video call every day. That way, the distance might not be so bad after all.”

MC: “Okay, I promise.”

[Flashback ends]

(Our promise to each other lies in the past, so why does it feel like we’ve only said goodbye yesterday? It turns out, our childhood memories are ingrained in my heart, where a mere eight years apart would do little to erase it...)

Xia Yan: “I… I never thought I’d get to see you again. How have you been over the years?”

(I was about to ask him the same thing, looks like he beat me to it.)

MC: “I’ve been well, and you? I didn’t hear from you after you left for the capital. Meeting each other again like this is incredible… When mom, dad, and I tried to contact the university, they told us you were selected to participate in some secret experiment, so I...”

Xia Yan: “Y-yeah… It was a government project, so security was tight. I wasn’t allowed to interact with the outside world during the experiment, and the moment it ended, I came right back. I-”

MC: “You came back and didn’t even think to contact me. I’ll have you know, I never changed my phone number!”

Xia Yan: “It’s not that, I..”

(Xia Yan reached out and he tried to grab hold of my wrist. When we were little, this was his method of begging for forgiveness when I would jokingly pretend to be upset with him. But today…)

MC: “Xia Yan…”

(His hand paused midway, and he quickly pulled it behind his back.)

Xia Yan: “I didn’t mean to stay away for so long. Please forgive me?”

MC: “What forgiveness, I’m not actually mad at you, you know. I’m really really happy that I get to see you again!”

Xia Yan: “Really? Seeing me again makes you happy?”

(Perhaps my enthusiasm was contagious as Xia Yan’s body gradually relaxed again.)

MC: “Of course. Are you here to stay, or just visiting?”

Xia Yan: “...”

(Xia Yan flinched, but smiled at me once more.)

Xia Yan: “Would you like it if I stayed?”

MC: “What kind of wishful thinking is that. You’re already the government’s property, it’s not like you can stay just because I’d like you to.”

Xia Yan: “But I can! This time, I’ll listen to you.”

MC: “Alright, let’s not talk about that stuff. What exactly are you doing here? Are you…”

(My gaze wandered and settled on the Sherlock pendant Xia Yan wore, and it clicked in my mind.)

MC: “The private detective XinRan hired, it’s gotta be you!”

-------

[Previous Part] | [Masterlist] | [Next Part]

------

《CREDIT》 Translator: @humi-and-co​ Editor: @hallowsivy​​ 《未定事件簿》Tears of Themis is a 2020 Chinese otome game by 米哈游Mihoyo. All original credits go to 米哈游Mihoyo.

《 VOICE ACTORS 》 Xia Yan | Jin Xian: https://weibo.com/riceranger Zuo Ran | Zhao Lu: https://weibo.com/mzhaolu Lu HaiYang | Zhang Pei: https://weibo.com/u/1937059462 Xue XinRan | V17-Su Wan: https://weibo.com/u/2925530143

[jessicaroffe]

You know when you have an idea of ​​nothing and you share it with your friend and she tells you that the idea is very interesting? my friend and I had an idea of ​​what a crossover between Sherlolly and Good Omens would be like. We are still working on the chapters but I brought you something to get an idea of ​​what it would be.

-------------

Between Heaven and Hell

1.

He placed the book in its respective space on the library shelf, sighed in satisfaction as he admired the shelf and saw it well organized, he was proud of his work and one of his greatest treasures; he heard the bell at the entrance of the establishment ring, walked to the free space he had at the entrance of the library seeing Miguel and Gabriel standing like real dizzy cockroaches, Aziraphale felt sorry for his brothers when they walked on Earth, as they did not know about human customs they knew how to behave and when they "tried" to deceive mortals it was very weird.

Gabriel spoke up -We came to deliver a .....

-Fanfic! -Michael added.

-Exactly, fanfic.

Everyone present at the place looked at the two as if they had mental problems, Aziraphale looked around in embarrassment.

-P-please come with me. - went to a reserved area of ​​the place, when Aziraphale confirmed that there would be no one around Gabriel started.

–We received reliable information that the incarnation of Eve and Adam are here in the city.

Such information surprised the angel, Eve and Adam were their first mission on Earth after they left and never heard from him again, the news was really unexpected.

-That ... it's ... it's good ... isn't it?

-Go if they come to the light side. -Miguel replied with pride talking about heaven.

-It was just that? -Aziraphale asked hopefully.

–Aziraphale, you as a good child of God must know that just as the actions of Adam and Eve had an effect in the past, they can have an effect again now, perhaps more drastically than before, there is a prophecy that says that if Eve is not influenced by correctly, chaos on Earth can occur and only the love of your life, Adam, can save you. –Gabriel added.

At that moment Aziraphale was already wondering why Gabriel and Miguel were telling him that, he was going to have to do something, he sure would.

-You have been here on Earth for a long time and have always been efficient in your work, we will give you the mission of making the two stay together, so that chaos does not occur, we had to take such measures, because the opposite side decided to act and interfere with the natural line of events and sent a demon to do the job. –Miguel explained.

-So I will be a cupid?

–What is a cupid? -Gabriel asked.

-Nothing, forget it.

–Anyway. -Gabriel snapped his fingers and a folder appeared in his hand. -We found out the whereabouts of the two and they are here in London, another reason why it was you, their names are Molly Hooper and Sherlock Holmes, all the details of them will be here.

Gabriel handed the folder to Aziraphale, before leaving the folder in full possession of the angel he warned him.

-We trust you Aziraphale. -The angel swallowed, a little terrified by the subtended threat, he knew that this mission was not just any one, peace on Earth depended on him which worried him, because if the punishments failed, they would be severe.

Gabriel and Miguel left the room and the first one shouted.

–Thanks for my fanfics!

Aziraphale leaned against a table he had there to process the information, what did he get into? He soon remembered that he would be fighting with a demon who would be there to disrupt his plans, he took a deep breath.

-I just hope that the demon is not Crowley.

_______________________

Molly promised herself that she would get back on top with her passion for Sherlock, she would move on and meet other people, she was never a woman to have many dates, she also didn't want to appeal to modern relationship apps, so she thought an agency that held meetings in the dark, made the registration by email, made its due demands regarding the person who would have the meeting, the man could be a little older, nothing more than five years older than her, who had a good musical taste, a good conversation, and was red, yes, red! Molly had even thought that the best way to forget someone who doesn't return their affection for her would be to cut off any resemblance to the next one, no dark brown hair then.

On the day of the meeting he left the office at Bart's and went straight home, he wanted to have at least a few extra hours to get ready calmly, this was his first date after he broke up with Tom, which in the case had been two years since do not go out with someone, I was not nervous, it was something different, perhaps an anxiety, I hoped that those who knew today could give you a thread of hope.

She chose a red skirt and a white blouse with cherries as prints, as it was summer in London, she didn’t need a coat or something, she did light makeup and styled her hair with a braid on the side of her head and her inseparable ponytail, picked up her bag and headed for the meeting place. On the way he wondered if it was the right thing to do, had he not given up on Sherlock more easily? He had already demonstrated a few times that he cared about his feelings, but she couldn't wait for miracles to come from him, there were times when she asked God to send her concrete signs that what she felt for him will one day be reciprocated “maybe not this time. life. ”, the chestnut thought a little discouraged.

Upon arriving at the restaurant where the meeting would take place, he introduced himself and asked the attendant if the person who booked the table with her had already arrived, as the establishment was a partner of the agency, all the attendants were already used to the routine of the place, he led to the round wooden table with a U-shaped sofa where an apparently tall red-haired man with dark glasses (who covered the entire side view not showing any crack in his eyes) then he saw Molly's presence and soon stood up .

"Hello!" Said Crowley excitedly. "You owe me company tonight," he finished by kissing Molly's hands.

- Hello, - he said a little embarrassed. - I'm Molly Hopper and you are?

- Anthony J. Crowley, at your service.

While talking Molly found Crowley very interesting, enigmatic with those sunglasses (which she really didn't know why he was wearing this time of night, would remind me to ask him later), funny, talking about things as interesting as if had lived thousands of years.

- So Molly, what do you do with your life?

- I'm a pathologist at St Bartholomew's Hospital.

- Wow. It must be a difficult job.- he said smiling.

- Until not, the dead are not the problem, the living that appear there wanting information or sometimes clues. Molly said and took a sip of the wine in her glass.

- And this guy would be a coworker or ex boyfriend ?!

Molly laughed at Crowley's questioning and shook her head.

- No, no, let's say he's more like a co-worker than anything else.

Well, if I can say something, he's an idiot. He doesn't really know what he's missing. ”Crowley smiled seductively and Molly bit her bottom lip and let a red appear on her face.“ I don't know about you, but here's boredom, come on.

Crowley got up leaving the money on the table, Moly was confused by his sudden action, but decided to follow him.

-Where are we going? Hooper questioned.

-You must spend a lot of time inside a morgue that doesn't do any good to anyone, let's have fun, do you dance?

"I'm not much of a thing," Molly said sincerely and found it too crazy for a first date in the dark.

- No problem. I'll teach you. Come on.- the redhead held out his hand to Molly who accepted.

Outside Crowley, he made his way to his car. Molly was feeling like a real adventure, a mixture of fear and excitement was running through her blood, she barely knew the guy next to her and they were already going to a nightclub, what if he were to traffic her? Or drug her and leave her on the street? "Stop paranoia Molly" Molly scolded herself in thought.

- So, how do we go to this nightclub you talked about?

 

- Let's go in my car. - The taller looked at Molly, at that moment curiosity hit her, she imagined what such a car would be like an ordinary car like all the others, but when Crowley approached a Bentley Molly she couldn't help but show surprise! - Then? What did you think? - is leaned against the car.

- He's very, very different.

- Is this different good or bad?

- It's a very good different. I never rode such a model.

- Feel free, miss. Crowley opened the door and pointed into the car like a real gentleman.

-Thanks.

As soon as he closed the passenger door he went around and got into the driver's side.

“So where's this club at?” Asked Molly.

- Stay in Soho, I discovered this place a few years ago.

- Hmm looks cool.

Upon arriving at the nightclub that was packed with songs from the 70s and 80s and with all the themed decor of those decades, with lights, a dance floor and everything else that was entitled to a themed nightclub.

Crowley took Molly's hand and led it to the center of the floor where he was playing “Night Fever” by

Bee Gees and making a few steps the redhead approached as if calling to join him in the roar of the music.

- Wow, I ... I like to take a few steps but I'm not much of a thing.- Molly said sincerely and found it very crazy for a first date in the dark.

- No problems! I teach you! Come on.- the redhead held out his hand for Molly to rise from the table.

Crowley insisted on paying the dinner bill and then headed out of the restaurant.

- So, how do we go to this nightclub you talked about?

 

- Let's go in my car. - The taller looked at Molly, at that moment she did not know what to expect, imagined that it would be an ordinary car like all the others, but when Crowley approached an old car model Molly can't help but show surprise! - Then?! What did you think? - is leaned against the car.

- Wow! He's very, very different.

- Is this different good or bad?

- It's a very good different. I never rode such a model.

- Feel free, miss. Crowley opened the door and pointed into the car like a real gentleman.

-Thanks.

As soon as he closed the passenger door he went around and got into the driver's side.

“So where's this club at?” Asked Molly.

- Stay in Soho, I discovered this place a few years ago.

- Hmm looks cool.

Upon arriving at the nightclub that was packed with songs from the 70s and 80s and with all the thematic decoration of those decades, with lights, a dance floor and everything else that was entitled to a themed nightclub.

Crowley took Molly's hand and led it to the center of the floor where he was playing “Night Fever” by

Bee Gees and making a few steps the redhead approached as if calling to join him in the roar of the music.

It was not possible to notice that they were being watched by a certain consultant detective who was sitting on the other side of the establishment.

-----------------

The question now is this ... Does this fic have a future? I'm dying to know your opinion.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with MaybeAmanda

MaybeAmanda has been a longtime participant in X-files fandom. She has 29 stories at Gossamer, the earliest being archived there in 1998 and the latest in 2012. I've recced some of my favorites of her stories here before, including "Malus Genus" and "Snow in Alabama." Big thanks to MaybeAmanda for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

It does, in a way.  The feedback I get nowadays is either of the "I read this like 20 years ago and I just read it again" variety or the "I was too young back in the day but I have been watching the show in reruns/on XYZ streaming service/on the full-series of DVDs I got for $3 from the thrift store and I was THRILLED to discover fanfiction was being written even in the Dark Ages!" So it's a bit of a surprise, but it's a pleasant one. I answer every mail/comment because my mama raised me right!

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience? What did you take away from it?

It was great. It was fun. It was educational. It was a godsend. Even with the occasional bouts of back-stabbing and flame-throwing, it was mainly a welcoming, inclusive place to be. I made so many online friends who have turned into meat-friends (do they still call them that? Probably not).  During the first run of the show I had small children and we had relocated for my husband's job.  I had very little social life, but the fandom gave me a chance to meet and connect with people who liked what I liked. Then I discovered online fanfic, and it was even better!

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

ATXC I think.  A lot of email lists - 5 or 6 or 7 or so over the years. Gossamer, of course, Ephemeral when that came into being.  Haven discussion boards. My own websites.

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

More than anything?  I am a fangirl.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

I have always been partial to sci-fi and speculative fiction, but it rarely makes it to the screen - large or small - without being trite, clichéd, or just plain bad. It's easy to forget that The X-Files was groundbreaking - smart, scary, funny, insightful, intriguing, complex plots, on-going mythology. It looked great. It sounded great. David Duchovny was pleasant to look at, too, and damn! Gillian Anderson is/was one hell of an actress.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I found XF fanfic - somehow - probably by accident, or by way of a recommendation - and it blew my mind.  I had written fanfic (of a sort) with my friends in highschool, so I was familiar with the beast, but to find what amounted to excellent story after excellent story for free within (relatively) easy reach (because dial-up, right?) written by people who, for the most part, were thrilled you read their story and were happy to talk to you about it, about writing in general, about your shared obsession - that was amazing. As I am sitting here typing this I am feeling that thrill again - discovering Karen Rasch, Madeliene Partous, Paula Graves [Lilydale note: AKA Anne Haynes], Sheryl Martin and all the other early BNFs was, well, the only word is exciting. I felt like I was a member of a secret society and that I was sitting at the popular kids lunch table, all at once. (Don't forget, in the early days, shippers were considered delusional outliers - seriously!)

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

Good?   It's not as lively a place as it once was, but I haven't renounced my citizenship or anything. If I get a rec, I check it out. I know there are those who like to pretend they never had anything to do with the fandom, but why? I am still a proud XPhile.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

Angel (a teeny tiny bit) while XF was still running, but those fans were - I don't know the word.  Hardcore does not begin to do it justice. I wrote two short pieces at a friend's request then backed away slowly. Sherlock (a bit) - it is/was very LJ centred and that made it hard to find things. A lot of it moved to tumblr which made it harder, then to twitter, which - no.  I was involved in one of the less fashionable facets of the Sherlock fandom, so I was really a fringe-dweller there, too. It seemed clique-ier than XF, and they all seemed so young, and they all knew EVERYTHING about everything, and every damned thing was political, and, and, and... GET OFF MY LAWN!

But maybe I am remembering the XF fandom wrong. ;)

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

Like, all fiction? Mulder and Scully for sure. Arthur Dent. Sherlock Holmes in most of his incarnations. Spock. Winnie the Pooh. Why do I like them?  They speak to me, I guess.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

I haven't watched an episode in probably two years (back when it was on regular tv).  Yeah, I think about them surprisingly often.  Story ideas, weirdly.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic?

I finished re-reading The Iolokus Series a couple of weeks back, so yes.  It's excellent comfort reading.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

Lots! But as far as authors go, I hate playing favourites. I will miss someone I shouldn't and feel like crap.  The Iolokus Series by MustangSally and Rivka T. is probably my all-time favourite fic because it's so very well-written, and so very fucked-up. Kipler's Strangers and the Strange Dead is also terrifically well-written and clever. For complex, interesting case files, you can’t beat syntax6 - pick any of them.

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Oh geez. Seriously? I wrote a lot of collaborations and I love them - and my co-authors - all!  Stuff I wrote on my own: Anniversary Waltz (first XF fic I wrote so it's sentimental.) Or Blue Patches. Or Epiphany. Or The Gifts of the Magi (On a Kaiser Roll). Or 221XF.  Gonna stop now.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story?

Every time I thought I wouldn't, I did. I would never say never.

Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

Nothing finished ever went un-posted. All the unfinished stuff remains unfinished.

Do you still write fic now?

Haven't for a while, but it's not as if I have said "I SHALL NEVER WRITE FANFIC AGAIN!" I just have nothing in the works at this moment.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

With fic, it's usually from canon - some question unanswered, some road unexplored, some "what if?" that needs iffing.  With "original" fiction, damned if I know.  A snippet of overheard conversation, an interesting photo, something a random story generator spit out at me.  Sometimes things just click.

What's the story behind your pen name?

Okay so...many years ago I was on a (smallish) fic list with a friend.  There was a challenge posted - a bad fic challenge. We knew we could write some truly bad fic if we really tried.  One of the rules of the challenge was to post under an assumed name so no one would know who they were voting for. Well, my friend and I wrote something truly, painfully horrid and we were very proud of its ghastliness, so were brainstorming possible pseudonyms. She hated everything but had no real suggestions of her own.  I knew that she was a bit of a Trekkie (like me) and I said - What about Amanda Greyson and Joanna McCoy?  And she said  - What?? Huh?? Why?? And I said - Spock's mother and McCoy's daughter and she replied, "Maybe Amanda is Spock's mother but on Star Trek there is not a Joanna." By this point, I was SO DONE, and I became MaybeAmanda and she became NotJoanna. Really.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

It took years for me to admit it, but yeah, they know.  They didn't entirely get it.  The reactions I most often got were:

"Ew! You write stuff without being forced?? Ew!!"

or:

"Is it smut? I bet it's just smut. You write smut, don't you? Pure filth, right? I can't believe you are wasting your time writing pornography! That's disgusting! You sicken me! Um, can I read some of it?"

And of course:

"If you are going to write anyway, why don't you get published and become fabulously wealthy?"

which is really two questions, neither of which is easily answerable.

Anyone who tracked my work down (because I told them I wrote, but not my pseudonym) usually said something like, "Hey! You're an okay/passable/decent writer! Why don't you get published and become fabulously wealthy?"

Yeah.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

Same old email (maybe_a@rocketmail_dot_com). Gossamer, my site, my LJ and probably some other places.  I can't lie - it's a bit scattered.

(Posted by Lilydale on August 4, 2020)

[sambarvadai]

#7: ooh la la spill the drama sis

posted on 30 nov 2019

hi, long time no see. it’s been a hectic week. we had our drama club’s end-year-production, and i started on my internship. this post will be about my somewhat complicated relationship with theatre so buckle in for the ride! this is going to be a really long post sorry i have a lot of feelings about this

(in case you haven’t already realised this is an EXTREMELY self-indulgent blog haha)

so! four years ago (god has it been that long) when i joined drama club, i was so excited. i nearly wasn’t going to get in because i had missed the audition date, so i cried late into the night, texted my senior about it, and got the reply that no worries, audition dates had been extended due to the overwhelming response. phew. i auditioned, i said the monologue too fast that the panel was left blinking, i tried to make friends in the audition room (i don’t remember any of them). i got through. i was so happy. it was the best best experience.

my new batchmates were… interesting. they were cool. we all liked to sing at the most random times. we were so extra. now that i think about it, i haven’t actively recalled these memories in so long. i can’t remember half of them, but they must’ve been good times because i remember waking up on mondays and thursdays – drama club practice days – pumped and ready to go. the seniors were a big part of this. every practice session, they’d come in, full of energy, and dazzle us with how much they could show with one movement on stage. they taught us the basics of vocal projection (I SHAT A BABY/I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE), spatial awareness, ensemble awareness, and teamwork. they made sure to get to know us properly, learn our names, be our seniors. they were amazing.

i remember the productions we did that year. we ran around under the stairs before production, writing notes on bags and karaoke-ing, sleeping and eating. we told stories of the girl who had been crushed by the stairs, now a benevolent spirit who blessed us before every performance. we wore our shirts inside out, tags sticking out, because a senior told us our shirts had to be ALL BLACK. NO PRINT. (we later found out this was not meant seriously, but oh well.) once, we traipsed down one of the most affluent parts of town wearing our shirts like that, on the hunt for some ice to cool the drinks. my fingers froze by the time we got back to school (because there was no bag big enough to carry the ice) and i had to dunk them in running water to thaw them out. we were backstage, having the time of our lives, peeking through the hole in the curtain, mouthing alone to the lines said on stage that we had heard countless times in rehearsals. we cheered when the audience laughed. we bit our tongue so we wouldn’t curse when someone inevitably put the block down too loudly or got caught in the light. our batch was the only batch of first-years who cried when our fourth-years (the graduating batch) left, because they had made such an impact on us. it really looked like we were going to be one of the better batches.

it really looked like joining drama club – and theatre – was going to be one of the best decisions of my life, because of how much fun i had. i learnt about the processes that went behind-the-scenes, which made me appreciate every theatre show i went to after that even more. i

year 2 came, and with it, a competition that would suck out my life. for the purposes of this post, let’s call it abc. abc was a really prestigious competition – it was difficult to get into, and it was difficult to survive it. survive, meaning go through it with your sanity intact. it meant long, long hours cooped up in a corridor high up, inhaling spray paint fumes and sprawling on the dusty floor. it meant hashing and rehashing ideas and thrashing out team squabbles and pain and suffering. i mean, it was a great, character-building experience, but i’m told that i became so much of a dick during that time simply because of the stress. abc also took up much of my free time, so i couldn’t meet up with my other friends during breaks because i would always be busy.

the toil was not without its rewards, though. we got regional champs and placed 5th worldwide and won a really prestigious award for creativity, one of the few teams to ever win it in our division. but during that time, i felt nothing except passiveness (is this a word). i felt a sense of distance, that it wasn’t me who had won it. and it was partly true. toward the end of it, my enthusiasm for the competition had died down from a raging bonfire to a tiny matchstick flame snuffed out by an errant gust of wind. i just… gave up. i didn’t contribute as much. i should’ve felt guilty, but i couldn’t muster up anything.

what does this competition have to do with drama? well, because i was involved in abc, i couldn’t contribute as much to my drama club’s mid-year recital-thing. i was relegated to the props and sets team, where i met my favourite senior ever. we spent a lot of time in there, and it felt great. although all we did was just talk and do jackshit, it was fun to be in that tiny space, trying out makeup and talking about sherlock.

abc did affect my relationship with my batchmates, though. the rest of the teams in abc had my team-mates who somehow bonded with their team and loved their team, but i was the odd one out. i couldn’t connect to them at all.

fast forward to the end-of-year production, where i was in props and sets again. this time, it was slightly different because a teacher tagged along with us for every excursion we did to gather supplies and draw inspiration. that production was set in a bookshop, so we hopped around singapore looking for cool bookshops. it was fun, and i got to know that teacher a lot better. i’m still relatively close to her now. my batchmate, though, fell out with that teacher. i’m not entirely sure what happened, but it was weird.

year 3 was such a big mess, and it was wholly my fault. i was given the position of being in charge of props and sets, and i did a colossal screw-up. none of the sets were ready, none of the props were procured in time, the full-dress rehearsal was just accusations after accusations. i remember being backstage in the toilet washing up all the makeup brushes after full-dress rehearsal, and i could hear the seniors really really talking shit about me. it was cathartic, in a way, to hear everything i knew but hadn’t fully internalised. it was similar to abc, in that i had fully given up even before fighting. my rep was pretty damaged after that.

the end of year production was when things fully fell apart. i didn’t know anyone in my batch anymore (except maybe for one person?). another person whom i had been quite close to also drifted away. it was really, really shitty – there’s not much to say about it at all.

bUT. not all hope was lost. what i didn’t get in drama club at school, i found through something else. around march, i saw an online flyer for a youth-created theatre show. i auditioned. i got a part in the ensemble. and it was, hands down, one of the best decisions i made in my life. see, this online flyer was from a senior in drama club whom i had never met before, but was somehow following on instagram. so in a way, drama club was responsible for my so-called rebirth into drama.

that experience really taught me a lot. for starters, the way they handled everything was so professional. the props and sets team started work three months before the production and handpainted sets and built actual moving platforms out of wood. the publicity team actually got one of their photographer friends to take high quality photos and videos. the songs. oh, where do i start. the songs were full, a-grade broadway musical material, with motifs for each of the characters and fully realized emotional arcs. every single person working on the production was so wired and energetic and passionate. backstage felt like year 1 – all the excitement of cheering when something great happened on stage.

maybe it was god telling me to not give up on theatre so easily, to give it a second chance. maybe it was god telling me that i hadn’t lost my love for working hard to put up something on stage. maybe it was a sign that all i needed was a change of people. at any rate, i made so many new friends and learned so much about performance. it really changed me.

as i went into year 4, my final year, my feelings were mixed. i didn’t feel like a senior. i didn’t feel like i had any of the expertise or weight my seniors held when they were in our position. moreover, our drama club had merged with the chinese drama club, meaning that we had to adopt an entirely new set of practices and traditions. i kicked my year off by auditioning for the chinese new year skit. guess what? i got a main role – a chinese-speaking role.

i learn chinese as a third language, so it was really quite interesting to figure out how to perform chinese rather than just say it. all my co-actors were younger than me – a nice turn from everyone being older than me in the external theatre prod in year 3 – and it was a wonderful opportunity to get to know my juniors. sometimes, i didn’t want to go to rehearsal so much that i cried. but when i got to rehearsal, suddenly all the reservations i had went away and i fully immersed myself in the craft. being around the kids and hugging them when they felt down and cheering them up made me feel like i was properly slipping into my role as a senior. it was really a turn of fate.

of course, around end-feb, i performed for my youth theatre thing again. it still felt as good as it did the first time, and was a space for me to grow beyond just a skit performed in the school hall.

around april was our biannual mid-year recital thing, same as year 2. this time, though, i was selected for the main role (again!). i’m ashamed to say that i didn’t try quite as hard as i could have; didn’t allow myself to properly connect to my character. see, my character was a father trying to grapple with the loss of his mother, and the play was about how this affected his relationship with his daughter. it was a difficult role, mainly because he didn’t respond the way i would have if (touchwood) something happened. i didn’t allow myself to actually consider what i would do, i didn’t go down that line far enough to examine my own emotional responses and relate them to my character, because i was scared of what i’d find. anyway, the process was really rushed. we didn’t explore any of the characters’ backstories during rehearsals, which made it even harder to play them. we changed stage directions and cues barely a day before performance. the props and sets team were all super stressed. it was a mess, as usual, but we somehow pulled together in the end.

i should say, i’m really quite grateful that my batchmates (who were the directors) gave me the opportunity to be in such a big role. they trusted me to carry it off and to perform it well. i don’t know if i lived up to their expectations, but i hope i wasn’t too much of a burden on them.

next! the end of year for year 4. it was finally our turn to write, direct, produce, and act in our own play. we started the process around august, and we did shit out a script, but the script was rejected and we had to come up with an entirely new plot nine days before the performance. i was supposed to be one of the script-writers, and i did do my part in writing the first script, but the writing of the second script coincided with my chinese exam (see previous post) so i couldn’t help out much with that. i didn’t really feel an attachment toward the play, and honestly thought it wouldn’t even happen.

on the day itself, as we were rehearsing, something strange happened. i felt a bit of that wonder as we lounged backstage waiting for our scene. i felt a bit of that thrill as we gossipped about boys, same as we did in year 1. i was talking to people i literally hadn’t properly talked to in two years, and it was strangely comforting. of course, things went wrong as they always did – the transformer broke in the middle of rehearsal and we were left wondering if we would even have proper spotlights and stagelights to perform with, but it got fixed in the end. a prop was torn, but they taped it up and made it look laminated.

in the end, as we performed our play to a huge crowd who screamed, gasped and cheered for us, i felt like my journey in drama club had come to a good end. not a great end, where our batch sorted out our differences and actually hugged and was one big happy family, but an ending that we all worked for. i got notes and hugs from juniors, telling me i was a great senior, and all i could think was, ‘thank you, i don’t know what i did to deserve this.’ maybe i had grown up even without realising it.

so you’ve sat through 2.3k worth of word vomit, and you’re wondering what’s the endgame. i think the point i want to make here is this: drama was my one constant throughout the four years of my time in this school. it had seen me at my best and my worst, in all its various forms. it exposed me to an entirely new way of performing art. and for all the flaws in how i experienced it, it taught me so much, and was my safe space.

in these four years i’ve gained and lost in unequal measure. maybe i’ve lost more than i have gained, maybe i wasn’t the greatest person to be around. but in the end, i’m struggling to remember every single tiny perfect imperfection. i can’t recall so many memories, but i remember the feelings i felt. yeah, my batch wasn’t the most bonded, but on stage, we made it work. we pulled up our socks and showed the world that hey, it is possible to put something together in nine days. yeah, i wasn’t the best senior, but i was a good senior, and hopefully some people will miss me. yeah, sometimes i hated going for drama club, but that doesn’t negate all the good times i had. yeah, maybe it wasn’t the best choice of extra-school club, but it was only because of it that i was able to go for that external theatre thing that changed my life.

i’ve been learning to take my bad experiences with a grain of salt. i might’ve had shitty encounters, but they’ve led me to amazing places and great discoveries. i think that’s what i want to say – that one john lennon quote that goes: everything will be okay in the end. if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. and it did turn out okay, even if it was in a relative sense. i don’t know if i’ve articulated my feelings or experiences properly here, but i tried my best. i’ve ended my journey here, made my peace with the fact that i may not be on best terms with my batchmates, but at least we put aside our differences to work together. i had an experience, and that’s all it is.

and i’d do it all over again.

thanks for reading! anbudan, noon xoxo this post was brought to u by the 2.7k word club B))