#i guess im just depressed and want to try to fill the void with the serotonin that comes from getting new things

[mareliini]

A rare personal vent time in this time and age lmao

Feels like im boiling up, put on small simmer but it's been going on for months. I'm trying to do the sensible adult thing and vent less online, especially when, now I 1) have come to realise how stressful it is to be on the receiving end and 2) I don't have proper "anonymous" channel to just yell my stuff into void. I've been on sites too long, know too many people I don't want to cause stress to, etc.

I do think it's healthier to not vent online and I do go to therapy but it's also different sensation to complain online and be excactly as pitiful and meme-brained as you need to while doing it, versus talking to 60y old nice lady once a month desperately trying to come up with scenarios she would understand without needing to explain 5 levels of current brainrot. And also just the feel of sharing your pain with bigger audience, even if that audience is anonymous silent users who don't care.

But I'm super tired and stressed all the time. I can barely sleep without anxiety medication and when I manage to sleep it takes ages to wake up. I have things I should do and know I need to do, but first time ever in my life I'm just too tired to even attempt to do them. Can't muster the energy to fill a simple form. Like my tiredness overwrote my anxiety of needing to do stuff? That is very new. I disappear from online spaces, I don't feel joy anymore, just fleeting moments of Not Feeling Anxious. Even normal friend gathetings I usually enjoy are now more or less overwritten by anxiety of Wait Do Everyone Hate Me Actually? and I Am Reading Everyone's Microexpressions To Determine If They Are Happy Or Not. and that's not fair or cool for me nor them. I'd say panic attacks are new but actually I'm just now connecting dots with them.

And yeah I know it's depression I know!! I used to have it!! For years!! And then I was better for some 5 years and it came back and feels more crushing this time because now I know how life is supposed to feel like. I guess for the positives I can now recognise when Bad Thoughts are just brain being stupid and not reality, but it makes it no less annoying.

[hana-the-ghostieee]

hey hey heyyy! not your typical yorushika post here but does involve them. as in elmy and ojisuma. anyways

sometimes i feel like my interests just bleed and blend into each other, unless they can't. (like i literally don't know how the same person that draws a butt ton of cats and likes to radiate positivity and enjoys kawaii culture and decora and happiness listens to songs about literally just living for music, and having no purpose once you literally can't create anymore, or about losing someone close to you and just having this hole. this hole in my heart they left behind. they used to be the one that could fill the void but now that they're gone i can't fill it, it's this hole that keeps spreading and spreading in the middle of my chest)

i mean let's be real i physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually can't connect Perfume and this like danish pastel aesthetic. or Kyary Pamyu Pamyu with 8/31, the day Amy ran out of ink and oofed himself with the one gay ship i show my support on in the back of my notebooks. (those men. they can break up in front of my gravestone. and my spirit will float around. forever haunting this land. edit: i read The Moon That Breaks by TheHufflebean on AO3 and when i got to the breakup scene i lied on the floor and held my breath for like 5 minutes because well. i don't have a gravestone just lying around. but then i reread the tags and there was a make up scene (which WAS there thank whoever you'd like) and continued reading)

and before any of you people on the wolfstar tag yell at me for not putting any content related to them um click/tap Keep reading please thank you

thanks for wasting your time trying to read this! anyways

there's going to be so many more edits and tweaks and finetunes i can FEEL it

lemme take wolfstar for an example (though yorushika hasn't been bled through, thank whoever you'd like, i will list it as an example. edit: yorushika may have been bled through.)

edit: feel more than free to steal these ideas =w= i'd be a terrible writer, art is my strong suit (tho credit me i guess? idk do what you want i won't be mad if you just yoink it from wherever you see this)

japan? poof. modern au. they move to shinjuku niichome. (japan's lgbt city)

um what else what else what elseeeeeee (sorry brain is scrambled rn)

cats? poof. they adopt more cats than any reasonable person should have. (with minor disinterest from sirius but remus is just INTO IT LIKE HECK YES CATS OR I'M JUST PROJECTING IDK) bonus points if they end up running a cat cafe/cat library

yorushika?

poof.

(okay don't steal any ideas from this point on i'm working on a fic for this)

(go read Letters to Elma and Elma's Diary if you want to make sense of what's going on here! i'd recommend you listen to the full albums That's Why I Gave Up On Music and Elma first though. also trigger warning - the protag for Letters/That's Why oofs himself.)

(also please don't yell at me for making them not sound like themselves, i wrote this at like 1am, i probably suck at writing and i modeled them after the original elma and amy okay thankth)

elmy au, sirius is amy and remus is elma. both are also music creators, sirius suffers from depression, gets told by a seer (idk why. oh maybe remus has a seer friend he'd like sirius to see?? *shrugs*) he'd have less than a year left to live because of a "chronic issue", loses it and [insert Letters to Elma here]

so i'm thinking it's kind of a poa grim situation here, where a bunch of symbols saying he'd die within the year just appear out of nowhere, more frequent than before and then he gets a diagnosis for some heart disease and then above scene plays out

edit: don't know how i forgot this buttttt um in Diary 5/15 Elma says "Life surely has an expiration date. Those were the words I let leak out to him, a long time ago." (him being amy ofc) and im just imagining remus saying a bunch of poetic stuff cuz even though he doesn't do it often, he's a freaking good songwriter then this comes up and sirius just internalizes those words like no other

also i think i've moved on from my Kamisama no Dansu (dance of the gods) phase, on to Ame Haruru (after the rain) and i want to mention a few lines. "another summer without you is on it's way" - i'm assuming this is remus going welp. i guess no boyfriend. it's been a while. (back when they were in school they had summers apart but then they moved in together so they also spent the summers together but ofc now that sirius is somewhere in gotland/farosund/idk remus is just. i guess you won't be there this summer) "finally, the rain fell" - a reference as to how amy/sirius left town before writing what it's like after the rain. and it's counterpart, "finally, the rain stopped" - remus/elma experiencing what it's like, knowing he didn't

more edit: uhm completely forgot about the lycanthropy so assume remus found a forest or something (you know what. it's the forest referenced in the instrumental mori no kyoukai/church in the forest) all the while sirius is in the back (or well lord knows where in gotland) cursing himself for forgetting the thing he does w/ bf every. single month

back to 12am me :P

oh but instead of writing down all the letters and whatever and then getting a box and mailing it off, sirius sends remus letters like individually and consistently so remus also goes to sweden and hunts him down but remus doesn't have any spare paper on him so he can't respond in any way

don't ask me how he sends the letters and how he receives the letters

oh wait i got it nvm! um sirius sends the letters by owl (how could i forget) and remus has a diary (because Elma's Diary) but you know. he's not one of those people that rips pages out of their books (at least in this au that exists in the void that is my mind)

and then he chases after him. literally looking freaking everywhere. sometimes they're 3 days apart. sometimes they're so close you'd be sure they have dora the explorer eyesight but no they JUST miss each other like BARELY by a MILLISECOND like seriously remus can freaking SMELL him but thinks it's like a hallucination (cuz he has been getting those recently, see Diary 8/27) or yk becuz he stole some of sirius' clothes (though on 5/15 Elma also says she can't taste anything so rem can't either. also smell & taste are connected so he essentially just loses the function to smell anything. sign of severe depression =w=)

and then comes 8/31. (machIGAUTTERUNDAYO WAKATTERUNDA ANTARA NINGEN MO--)

sirius is on the pier, opening the bottle of Flower Verdigris/Paris Green/Emerald Green/take your pick.

remus stands at the base (?) (what do you call that part on a dock/pier where you just get on) of the pier. he could recognize that black hair anywhere.

okay googled it

oh wait no that's for a floating dock

i googled it again

...found nothing. anyways

he stands at the base of the pier, at the silhouette sitting on the edge. he could recognize that curly, dark hair from 50 miles away.

"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!!!"

sirius' head turns. he seems to be crying.

"re...?"

anyways remus runs up to him and [insert nautilus mv epic outro here but instead of the guitar it's sirius and instead of elma crying the liquid water out of her... being it's remus who is also crying the liquid water out of his being][...also nautilus is a wip until they get home][to clarify things remus does not pick sirius up like the guitar. they're hugging so hard you'd think a spine would break and they're maybe kissing and definitely crying]

edit: i sat down and thought about it so um sirius is sitting on the docks like one would sit on a bench (legs dangling off of the surface) and remus just runs to him and drops on the floor, kneeling position similar to the epic guitar/piano outro in the nautilus mv with the thrown papers and they're still crying and the sun is rising because even though amy oofed himself on the dock around the evening on 8/31 here sirius tries to oof himself at dawn, cuz the line "someday, the dawn will break, so try and open your sleepy eyes, because i've pictured them so many times" and then they stand up face each other and then collapse onto each other (like lean onto each other) and then cue passionate kissing (finally) (ooh as the sun rises and parts through the clouds. someday i will try my best to draw it. and um put it here. be prepared for the ultimate pathetic. something idk.)

and right now they're just gay sobbing messes :P

yet another edit: i'm thinking i can find a way to incorporate the lily/remus friendship. so you know the old lady that first appears in Diary 7/5, right? i'm thinking she's at least a representation of lily, though of course in this au she's swedish (along with the other peeps. yk james and peter and severus mhm) so remus understands. nothing. in this au they first meet because lily needed help w/ baggage ig? it's on the ferry to gotland and well her first husband/bf passed on (shown in Diary 7/22, elderly woman says "Man" and smiles, implying she looks back on the memories fondly, and we're expected to believe this was her husband. i'm thinking in this au maybe??? snape/lily was a thing. not sure. write some ship in the comments/rbs i guess) also i'm pretty sure she thought remus was straight and that he lost his gf/wife and is trying to move on too (in case you forgot, he's looking for a certain sirius, which is in fact alive, who is his bf) and on the ship home on 9/25 (i like to think they as in r/s stayed in sweden for a bit longer, taking more pics together and enjoying whatever they missed while looking for each other) they see lily/elderly woman again with her child harry supported by the man she loves, james (aww that would be sweet tho. fluffy jily and wolfstar stuff at the end) (in canon Diary, the elderly woman with her children and the new husband is kind of a symbol for Elma, saying she'll move on and heal and potentially find someone else)

okay i thought about it and sat a bit more. and. remember 8/27? (the blend of fantasy/reality whatever where Elma finds Amy's stuff?) uhm i'm thinking something like that would happen here on 8/31, but ofc with more intervention from miss nice old lady (represented by lily). so she's moved on from her grief and found another love (james) right? well turns out james is still an animagus in this au (how helpful =w=) and lily is just. unsure of what the heck happened. (tho she does get some "help i'm looking for my boyfriend" vibes) until she connects the dots. they're fronking looking for each other before sirius' life reaches it's "expiration date" (though let's be real. throwing away that life would be like yeeting a loaf of freshly baked bread into the bin) so she tells james the master plan. she thinks on the last day of his life, remus would go out and look for him again, unaware of the fact that his boyfriend is literally at the lowest point of his life. so she'd sent out james for remus to follow (under the pretense that that was sirius' shadow, before leading him to the docks where sirius would go like once every like two weeks since coming to gotland to regret whatever he did) and then cue the scene from "and then comes 8/31. (maCHIGAUTTERUNDAYO WAKATTERUNDA ANTARA NINGEN MO--)" it's basically just saaaaaaaaaaaayonaaaaaaaaaaaaaaraa no haYASA DE KAOO WO AGETE. ITSUKA YATTO YORU GA AKETARA, MOU, ME WO SAMASHITEEEEE, MITEEEEEEEE, NEBOKE MANAKO NO KIMI WO, NANDEDATTE EGAITEIRU KARA (yeah i put some lines from nautilus, your point is?) all the while jily are just watching the gay sobbing messes™ from afar, in the forest or hiding in a bush near the base, high-fiving and cheering or something idk

ohkayee back again to me from 1am

oh also remus does write the responses to the songs sirius sent him, and they show each other freakin all the songs they wrote (so sirius shows him the summer grass gets in my way and a loser doesn't need an encore in the "original" notebook Elma finds on 8/27 but again this is wolfstar. so rem runs to siri and then they go back and take all the other stuff. and then remus shows him the pre-8/27 but in this case pre-8/31 songs and then writes ame to kapuchiino/rain and cappucino, kokoro ni ana ga aita/a hole opened up in my heart, yuu ichijou/only sorrow and the wolfstar version of amy because well. he wrote responses to almost the entire album. so close yet so far. and sirius is in the back reading the lyrics remus wrote and is just crying the liquid water out of his body because did he really cause his boyfriend that much pain? IM SORRYBDJSJSBDB DJSJSHEHDHDHDHEVRHFIKSJSJSJEGEUDHSHRJRIDJX DNDJE DDKAJWBBDJDISJABSDN9W72URIROAQHENNSOAOWIWKSKSKWKWKKAAAALSOWKMRRFIUY)

also sirius moves to the inn/room where remus stays in while doing the looketh for boyfriend and songwriting thing. remus doesn't realize how salty his pillow smells until now. (one of the downsides of crying yourself to sleep =w=)

i do realize there are some continuity errors in the way the songs are written, like in this au everything's supposed to happen within the same year, whereas in canon elmy everything happens assumably in two consecutive years (it doesn't explicitly state) and because it's written under two consecutive years assumably the songs would have to be written and sent at different times (especially august, a certain place, moonlight and evening calm, a certain place, fireworks.)

edit: so i'm thinking before the events of any of these. sorry if this ruins continuity in this au or something but like before the events of this remus co-wrote the summer grass gets in my way and a loser doesn't need a encore's songs (the first two eps by yorushika), specifically the ones with music videos except for The Clouds and The Ghost (for the summer grass - Say It. & Fireworks Beneath My Shoes and for a loser doesn't need - Hitchcock, Just a Sunny Day For You & Semi-Transparent Boy) and then when he finds the notebook they sit down and review the non-mv vocal songs thus far (Cattleya, Blooming In That Summer, A Loser Doesn't Need An Encore, Compulsive Bomber & Hibernation and they're all bops)

alrighty back again to 12am me :|

moreeee editttttt: so about the song Dance of the Gods. (because i've been freaking obsessed with it since like August) um there are a bunch of lines i want to include so. in the song at the end of the choruses, there are variations of the line "I don't care, I'll go even further, to a place no one's ever heard of, searching for the moonlight" (being "I don't care, I'll go even further, to a place no one can see, and put up an imitation of living" and "That's right, I'll go even further, to a place no one knows of, searching for the moonlight") and i think that's Elma giving up on creating music to give it "value" and "a life of it's own", and creating music because well it's fun but in this au i think that's remus going I WILL FOLLOW BEEF TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH IF THAT'S WHERE HE IS (not sure why remus would call sirius moonlight tho cuz well he's moony) (okay you know what. sirius looks down upon his ability to compose while calling remus' songs his moonlight and that he was jealous of his skills. remus, being the self loathing person he is thinks it's like a light hearted joke or something. now that his boyfriend is gone he's trying to find this "moonlight" boyfriend saw that he couldn't see, wanting to live out his ideals)

and another edit: so the August, A Certain Place, Moonlight and Evening Calm, A Certain Place, Fireworks problem. the thing about the Elmy story is Elma's story takes place a year, i think, after Amy's, so all the songs would be written at completely different times, not necessarily within a few days of each other. i'm thinking sirius wrote August and sent it out to remus and then remus wrote Evening Calm because they sound similar and at first canon Elma imitated Amy before slowly moving on to her own style so these gay messes do too

same issue between Let's Dance and Dance of the Gods - but this time i think Dance of the Gods was written shortly after Let's Dance

and then they go back home which is in Sekimachi i guess (that's the town Elma met Amy so ??? i guess r/s lives there now??? they (elma and amy) met in the cafe (that has since closed down) shown in the rain and cappuccino mv which is allegedly in sekimachi) and live long enough for me not to be able to think about how their lives end because now that i ship them so bad, reading ootp and tdh again would practically (and effectively) traumatize me. i'd be scarred for life. it's like that one scene in nakineko where Kento says he hates Miyo and rejects her in front of the whole class and then she starts tearing up and runs out of the class and Yori follows her and then Miyo is just numb to the pain. she got hurt so bad she can't feel anything. flash forward to when she gets home. *face buried in pillow* [LOUD SOBBING NOISES]

more edit: i just realized. okay so on the last Letter (from 8/31, when Amy runs out of ink) Amy states he quit music once, but Elma brought him back into it, after she showed him some songs she wrote and sung and he described it as (wait lemme pull up the doc) "unerring, faultless light that can only illuminate the night. unimaginably soft, dazzling beyond my wildest dreams, pale moonlight" (ink fades away at the word moonlight) and um now i feel like that's what sirius would sometimes call remus (besides moons or moony)

like no. honey we're gon kill no one today. thank yu. (maybe this is why i read fanfics)

another edit: so you know how i listed here they go home and share the songs they wrote and whatevers?? um now im thinking. remus finishes writing the last 4 songs that in Elma's Diary were written after 8/27 (rain and cappuccino, a hole opened up in my heart, only sorrow and the wolfstar version of amy in case you forgot) and sirius shares his thoughts

so um here

(also i feel like the "still grieving" thing would be remus. just being scared about the fact that bf might just run out the door and disappear again? and feels a lot safer when he wakes up with bf in his arms)

rain and cappuccino:

[first verse] pretty innocent

[chorus] *voice shaking* wow, keeping in track with the theme i see

remus: to be fair, what i responded to had a similar message. ...as if i could let memories of you fade away (no literally like i can't even if i wanted to)

a hole opened up in my heart:

[first three lines] MOONLIGHT BABE STOP IT PLEASE I SWEAR ON THE EXISTENCE OF EVERYTHING I WILL NEVER HURT YOU AGAIN

(for context, the song sirius would've written is false night, whose main line is "I want to open a hole in you", and this song is the response to that, with the main (and first) line "That's why a hole has opened up in my heart")

[end of the song] *lying on the floor, indistinct but very loud sobbing noises*

remus: well i did have to capture what i felt then. more grieving and crying up ahead

(this is by far the most painful song ever it's like a knife stuck in your chest and you take the handle and keep twisting it deeper into yourself just AAAAAAAAA LET ME CRYYYYYYY)

only sorrow:

[reads title] do i bring out the tissues or...?

[first verse] okay wow this sounds nothing like the song i wrote pretty ironic since you tried to literally "live" my life but okay

remus: wait for it

[chorus] okay i sound about ready to cry

amy (or the wolfstar ver):

(before reading/listening) if this is another song about grief i swear im going to go cry alone for the next 5 hours

(after reading and/or listening) *5 second delay* *goes and hugs remus*

(amy as in the song is one of the sweetest songs yorushika has made like ever in their 8-ish years of existence. it responds to the song elma and was written when elma (the person) finally moves on from her grief and now looks fondly back to those days. when her lover oofed himself and she went through sweden crying and looking for him. ...yeah not that sweet but idk)

all the while remus is just writing this and showing it to him like how i do with my art when talking about it with my friends. just "alrightyyyyyyy i did a thing. here. *smacks paper down on table* any thoughts???"

and then [insert healing and fluffy romantic stuff here]

okay thats all for the edit continue reading the thing 12am me wrote

oh shoot now i can't unthink this why T^T

um oh well i guess? i'll probably forget this was a thing anyways

oh but since we're already hereeeeeeeeeee

poof.

ojisuma au

(okay you can steal this one)

(read the novel Plagiarism for context here! the album isn't as important here, it kind of serves as a background noise and also expresses oji-san's experience. oh also yes, the album takes melodies, beats and rhythms from actual songs (as well as their own, in the song plagiarism) so yeah go listen to the album too i guess :D)

sirius is oji-san and remus is tsuma but tsuma doesn't die and they also work together to produce music but what rem doesn't know is siri has been stealing???? all of these sounds??? for the songs he thought was original??? and eventually siri comes to the conclusion that the only original thing he can create is his downfall as a musical artist (essentially just goes through what oji-san does but no dead wife but this is a wolfstar au so no dead husband.) so he does. this is my pathetic replacement for the prank and them not trusting each other. and rem is not happy. (he no trust him no more) but siri then goes and creates the two songs night journey and ghost in a flower because i think oji-san wrote those songs after he destroyed his reputation cuz they sound so different from all the other songs in tousaku (or maybe it was because of nakineko. not complaining it is still my fav movie. there's CATS. there's drama. there's CATS. there's romance. there's CATS. there's magical island with cats. there's CATS. did i say CATS. anyways)

um society as a whole just hates on siri. honestly can't blame society as a whole.

and then he releases sousaku/creation without stealing a thing (applaud for him please. i cant hear you clapping CLAP HARDER) and then *cue redemption arc*

yet. another. edit. : um i feel like adding some stuff so sirius would've written the songs Ghost in a Flower and Spring Thief to celebrate the relationship he had (and will get back) with remus, Night Journey and The Lying Moon as the break-up (but not the like "I'M DONE GOODBYE D:<" kinda songs, more like the "I'll remain here, as you go to the other side" or the "Rain has fallen, flowers have scattered/I still think about your rosy cheeks/as I keep drinking love from a bottomless ladle/It's true, it's tasteless, this thirst that's never satisfied, but you can laugh all you want and say "Is that so?/but I'll be here, just waiting for you") um and the instrumental creation would be a filler, and Robbery and Bouquet would be an allusion to his past self with the plagiarism and the sound stealing and i'm not sure what Eat the Wind would be

and then they get back together ^.^

(ooh but hold on. i feel like making a plagiarist remus and a tsuma sirius)

if the ojisuma au didn't sound as in depth or something know that Dakara Boku wa Ongaku wo Yameta (basically elmy) is like the most iconic yorushika lore

therefore more people are more interested in that (and i am part of more people :P) (also there's more context in elmy than ojisuma)

wow how the hekk did i connect wolfstar. a fanon (that deserves to be canon) gay ship about two friends in a group at a wizarding school that end up being more with... yorushika. a band that constantly hurts me. as in it hurts GOOD. like go listen to yoru magai and then kokoro ni ana ga aita. (with translations cuz im pretty sure barely any of you guys on the wolfstar or sirius x remus tag know japanese) LIKE STOPPPPPP THAT SONG IS THE DEFINITION OF GRIEF AND PAIN AND I DON'T KNOW HOW N-BUNA, A PERSON THAT SAID HE WROTE SONGS LIKE THESE TO EXPRESS HIS VIEWS ON LIKE LIFE AND DEATH CREATE A SONG THIS PAINFUL. LIKE HOW DO YOU WRITE SONGS LIKE THESE???

edit: i didn't connect them i practically forced another universe onto them (also i may be one of the first people to do this idk i have no idea who else is a big yorushika fan and a wolfstar shipper)

okay that is all i think have a nice dayyyyyy/nighttttttt/timezoneeeeeeeee

wait WHAAA

okay im typing this on mobile and??? you can freaking DRAG PARAGRAPHS???

...why don't they make this with tags i had to use little asterisks when i posted that apparently bots keep following me thing

wow this is like the LONGEST post i've made ever what the hell

wow the amount of times i've edited this GOSH

uhm anyways *hand on hip* *thumbs up* woo! *collapses face-down on floor*

[bailey-the-human]

this is my oc, Cordelia. She’s kind of an anti-hero with a collage student complex who, despite it being practically dead, loves talking on MySpace and adding stuff on tumblr because she’s too focused on her past to really move forward. Apart from the fact that for the past 2 years she’s been trying to escape the police, which doesn’t really help when you’re at one of the biggest art universities in the state. I’m honestly surprised she hasn’t been caught yet. What am i even saying, im literally the artist of this oc??? I can do whatever the hell i want?? Whatever. I guess Cordelia is kind of a metaphor for my own depressing life which’s gaping void can only be filled by one persons affection, but she hardly gives a crap about me now that she’s met this other person. But i guess then Cordelia also has some parts that i lack. Like the ability to be charismatic. This has just turned into a vent. Oh wow. I hope no one from school sees this.

[fweasleyswhore]

Who We Are - F.W.

Chapter Five: Your Facade

Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four

a/n: its really outta pocket how late this is, but, i am sorry depression been hittin hard lately im going to try and upload around every three days now !

word count: 2.2k sorry short 

warnings: none! just fluff and a tad of uncomfy a lot of ground work for next chapter also this is a series specific taglist just as fyi

tags: @you-make-children-cry @bohemianspacebabe @levylovegood @louist-pics @rochellestark @hufflepuffzutara @weasleybeb @whoreforfredweasley @fortheloveofthecharacter @ayesha-mae @ma0422

“Darling! How I am so excited to meet you!” Before I could reply I was pulled into a bone-crushing hug by Mrs. Weasley. I was quickly pulled out of the train by the twins, barely able to tell Lee goodbye before I was being surrounded by redheads. If I didn’t know who they were I would have felt like I was being circled by vultures. Placing names to the faces I saw wasn’t so difficult, I knew all of the family from my time at Hogwarts, the only thing I didn’t know was who the two taller men behind Mrs. Weasley were. I only got a glance at them, they were both redheads, obviously of the Weasley clan. One had a dangly earring with longer hair that reached his jaw, the other was slightly taller and stockier, his hair wasn’t as long as the others but had more of a curl to it. They were engaged in a conversation I couldn’t hear or focus on as I was being pushed out of Mrs. Weasley’s arm’s. She held me at arms length smiling. 

“Thank you so much for letting me stay with you, it really means a lot to me,” I spoke softly, bringing one of my hands up to squeeze hers that rested on my shoulder. She nodded enthusiastically. She opened her mouth to reply but was cut off by Mr. Weasley. “No problem, not at all.” He said nodding down at me. He extended his hand which I shook gladly. “Oi stop coddling Y/N!” George spoke up from behind me pushing next to me. “Yeah we want to spend time with her too.” Fred said linking his arm around my shoulders. George let out a chortle that pulled my and Fred’s attention toward him. “I meant for mum to coddle us, you know, because we are her kids.” I felt Fred’s arm drop from around me and I glared at George who smiled wide and looked between us. “Alright children let's get going.” Mrs. Weasley clapped, pulling all of our attention towards her. I let out a short sigh and grabbed my trunk. The ride to the burrow was uncomfortable. I sat in between the twins in the backseat with some extra luggage. Fred started to rest his head on my shoulder around the halfway point which would have been cute if I could relax into it, instead it just made me feel more cramped. I shut my eyes, trying to relax my breathing as my nerves took over me, counting my breaths until we were there. Getting into the Burrow was a flash, moving bodies tumbling up the winding stairs. The house truly was a beauty to behold, seemingly stacked and held together by magic, the outside was remarkable. The inside felt like an ever present hug, little nooks filled with cushions and blankets could be found in nearly every room. It truly was cozy and everything I longed to feel in my own home. Home was void, it was a place where I stayed but it never made me feel the way the Burrow made me feel. “Now Y/N, go put your stuff in Ginny’s room, you and her will be staying together and with Hermione later when she joins us.” Nodding along to Mrs. Weasley’s words I followed Ginny to her bedroom. It was cute there were posters on the wall for quidditch and on her dresser she had a few stuffed animals, they had their fair share of tears and missing buttons but I’m sure that was just from use. “So what’s it like?” She asked as I set my bag down on the cot set up opposite her bed. “Being Fred’s girlfriend of course! Mum’s ecstatic, this is the first time one of the boys have brought someone they are dating home.” I felt heat and embarrassment crawl up my neck like a ferocious fire breathing dragon until my entire body felt hot head to toe. “No, we are just friends.” “Are you sure?” “Very.” “But George said-” “Kids! Dinner is ready!” Mrs. Weasley’s voice flooded the house and I let out a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding in. “Go ahead, I’m going to change.” Ginny nodded and left, shutting the door lightly behind her. Did the family think me and Fred were dating? Did Fred think we were dating? Multiple questions raced through my mind, each one making me grow hotter, but I couldn’t quite place why. I decided against my winter apparel, opting for sleep shorts and an oversized shirt. It wasn’t the cutest but it was the coolest thing I packed and knowing how many people were down stairs I could only assume how much hotter the air would get. Winding my way down the stairs and through the rooms I finally found the one filled with people. The family was surrounding a table where it looked like there was a feast right out of the Great Hall spread out. 

“Ah! Y/N, come! Sit sit, um here.” She pointed to a chair on the far end of the table, on each side were the two men I saw from before but didn’t know. Feeling nervous I nodded and went to take my seat. Luckily Fred and George were across from me and that calmed me a bit knowing the meal wouldn’t be met with awkwardness. Soon my plate was full and the entire family seemed to be going in between a big conversation and small ones on the side.

“You must be Y/N.” Said the man on the left of me. 

“Yes and you are?” He chuckled and sent a confused look to the twins, I followed his gaze and saw Fred looking rather displeased, sending him a glare.

 “Charlie, and that’s Bill.” He pointed around my shoulder to the man on my right. I smiled warmly and waved and he nodded with a sly wink. 

“I’ve heard about you two, you’re the oldest ones right? And you are in Egypt most of the time?” I asked Charlie in between bites of beans. 

“No I’m usually in Romania with Dragons, Bill is in Egypt working with his voodoo.” Placing my attention on Bill, silently asking him for confirmation. 

“I don’t do voodoo, Charlie is just being an ass, it's his specialty.” He was cut off by Charlie laughing, rolling his eyes he started again. “I’m a curse breaker, I work for Gringotts.” My eyes widened as I felt curiosity bubble up within me. If I had to guess I would have assumed that Bill was the one working with dragons, his hair pulled back into a ponytail, his tooth earring, leather boots, it just felt more fitting. Charlie's build definitely proved his occupation; I just would not have guessed it. 

“What does a curse breaker do exactly?” I asked. “Well obviously, you know, but are there any cool perks?” 

“Yeah Bill what are the cool perks?” George asked with a sly smirk, his eyes danced between Fred’s hostile gaze and his older brother, chuckling to himself.

“Yeah other than getting sunburnt.” Fred groaned. I sent him a look but he missed it too busy prodding around with his food angrily. George had an amused look on his face, obviously directed at his twins behavior but I couldn’t place why. 

“He knows nothing about burns, trust me.” Charlie piped up. He rolled up his left sleeve which held a scar that curved and danced up his forearm and around his elbow. 

“Baby Chinese firebolt, I was trying to put it into the incubator when it realized I wasn’t mama.” 

Dinner went on, Fred didn’t utter a word for the rest of dinner, just poked his food with a grimace on his face. I didn’t let his sour mood ruin mine, I was divested in conversation with Bill and Charlie, learning all about their jobs and travels. Bill told me about an old woman who made jewelry in the center of the town in Egypt where he stayed, he told me about how she imbued each item with a different magical property, some were protection charms and others were sister pieces used to send messages between  their owners. Charlie taught me about the different types of dragons and what it was like to work with them. They were both so kind, answering each question I had with a smile on their face. I was so divested in whatever Bill was telling me I didn’t notice everyone had left the table at that point. 

“Why don’t we move into the living room?” He asked looking around, I followed his eyes, noting the once lively table empty. In a weird way it made me feel cold, a shiver tore through me. 

“If you don’t mind I am going to find the twins.” I spoke getting up. He smiled understandingly. “I think Fred might be in their room, second level first door on your left.” I nodded, sending him a small smile as thanks. 

“Wait I said twins, not Fred.” I looked back to him, his smile evident as if he had just caught me.  

“I know.” He said, cheeky grin never leaving his features. I felt my cheeks heat up, turning on my heel I left and found my way to the stairs. Harry was watching Ginny and Ron play wizards chess in the kitchen, Charlie and Percy were arguing in the living room about the ethical uses of dragons as means of labor while their parents were both reading. I didn’t see George or Fred and took Bill's advice and bounded up the stairs. 

Knocking lightly on the door I was met with no response, tried again, nothing. Despite my better judgement I pushed the door open. The room is exactly how you would expect it, slightly messy with blueprints and products strewn about. On each side was a twin bed, one with green covers and the other with blue. On the right side Fred was laying on his stomach, head facing his wall and limbs falling off the sides. George wasn’t in sight. 

I tiptoed around the things on the floor and found his side, sitting down gently in case he was sleeping. There was a tension in the air that made me uneasy and I wanted it gone. I just wanted to spend time with him, I didn’t want to feel like I had to hold my breath. 

I ran my fingers through his hair, unable to hold myself back. I felt him let out a sigh under my touch. He began to shift, picking his head up and adjusting himself so he was facing me. 

“Hey stranger.” I said softly, sending him a smile. His face was unreadable, part way between smiling and frowning like he was fighting himself inside. He scanned me, up and down like he was trying to read my intentions by a quick look. 

“What are you doing up here?” He asked. His voice held no emotion and it stung slightly to see him be so blank with me. 

“I want to see you, we haven’t been able to hang out all day and I missed you.” I kept my head down as I spoke. A beat of silence rang throughout the room. I looked at him for an answer, my eyes met his and I watched the resolve fade away, like a barrier breaking beneath his exterior, his eyes lost their cool touch and they warmed up, returning to their familiar honey pools I know. 

“Get in here.” He wrapped an arm around me, pulling me down to his level. I helped him, situating myself around him, tangling my legs with his and putting my hands on his chest. Both of his arms were around me, pulling me into him like he hadn’t seen me in months, he buried his head in my neck, his hair fell across my face making my giggle at the feeling, realization struck through me as I evaluated his movements in his head. 

“Freddie are you ok?” I asked, my voice was more serious now but his behavior was just hard to read, it felt like since I met his family he had pulled back, the back of my brain was telling me it was because I did something wrong. 

“Yeah I just,” He paused holding his breath. “Please don’t let me go.” His words vibrated against my neck. I felt his arms tighten around me as he spoke, like he was in a dream he didn’t want to wake up from. 

“I wouldn’t dream of it Freddie.” I whispered back, deciding not to push it. Leaning down I placed a small peck to his ginger locks. I felt his mouth curve into a smile against my skin and it made butterflies erupt in my stomach. I felt giddy and drunk, being wrapped up in his arms, smelling, holding, being held by Fred. It was intoxicating and I couldn’t possibly wish for more. 

[jawnjendes]

bonus: why is their luck in a deeply sad moment? | shawn mendes

some type of au idk man, shawn x goth ex gf

WARNING: there is talk of death and suicide in this chapter. read at your own risk.

AN: i cant squeeze this into the next big fic nor can i fit it into shawn meets bc everyone hated it so its a bonus in the gg story lmao also im starying the Next Big Fic in a few days :)

masterlist | annalise’s playlist

2026.

"Sometimes I think about the what ifs,"  Ann said, “but I like where I am. I like what I’ve made for myself.”

Shawn had to invite her over to his house a second time, because the first time left him with many questions unanswered. He couldn’t be mad at what she said, though. He was in the same boat; he liked the life he made. You know, without the crushing loss and run in with the supernatural.

“Well, I’m happy for you,” he told her, and he really meant it. “I’m glad we were able to successfully do our own things straight after breaking up.”

“Nothing like filling the void in your heart with work!” Ann replied with a giggle. She moved a strand of hair behind her ear, and that’s when Shawn noticed something.

He took her hand and noticed a tattoo on the side of her middle finger: The Triforce.

“You got inked?” he asked, impressed.

“Oh, that’s nothing,” she replied, grabbing her sleeve to roll it up.

There was a sword on her inner arm. It was varying in shades of blue, and it also had the Triforce on it. Shawn recognized it as the Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda games.

“All this is is proof that I’m a nerd,” Ann said as she rolled her sleeve back down. “I notice you have some more ink also… and that you still wear shirts half buttoned.” She pointed to his chest.

Her finger poked the exposed skin. It shouldn’t have been as tingly as it was. Shawn smiled and placed his hand over his chest.

“More than just that,” he told her. “But I can’t show you all of them.”

Maybe it was a little risky to say that. Shawn would have taken it back if Ann’s cheeks hadn’t gone a shade of pink.

“I could say the same thing…”

Shawn quickly came to learn just how many tattoos Ann had gotten over the years. A snake and tombstones on her other arm. Feather on her collarbone, roses on her shoulder. A quote reading, “...but I’m not anymore” with stars around it on her ribcage. Something on her wrist that Shawn didn’t catch because he was busy pressing his lips to her hips and taking off her pants, where he found another tattoo. “Lucky you.” He certainly felt it.

Everything about their time together was so familiar, so easy and almost home-like. Ann’s skin touching his. Her lips perfectly molding over his. The quiet, needy gasps they both released into the bedroom. It was like going back in time, and they were in Shawn’s Toronto apartment instead of his multimillion dollar condo in LA. It was soft and slow, despite Shawn pinning Ann’s arms above her head. He didn’t outgrow that particular move, and she still seemed to like it.

Shawn had never been happier to have been on a break more than now. Most one night stands in the past began and ended very quickly, because he was on tour or in between interviews or on a break for one day. This was one person that he didn’t want to leave behind. They lied down, sweaty and dazed, facing each other. It was silent, but not awkward. Everything had a nice haze around it.

That was also when Shawn finally made out what the tattoo on Ann’s wrist was. He picked his head up in confusion.

“Is… are those torches?” he asked. “Upside down? Just like mine… and are those my initials?”

It was simple line art, less intricate than his own. Torches in an X, with “SM” right below them. Shawn has been floored many times, and this was no exception.

Ann picked her head up as well. “It’s not what it looks like.”

Shawn looked down at his chest, his torches were exactly the same, sans the initials. He wanted to give Ann the benefit of the doubt, that this wasn’t some creepy fangirl thing. Some of his one night stands ended up like that, and it wasn’t exactly easy to forget.

“It’s for a friend of mine,” Ann explained, sitting up and covering her front with the blanket. She took note of the look on Shawn’s face. “Keeping someone’s light on beyond death, remember? I assume yours is for someone too.”

They were both sitting up now, and Shawn relaxed. However, he only relaxed a little bit because now it was time to get deep.

“Mine’s for Brian. He died last year.”

Ann’s face fell. “No. Brian, your best friend? Brian, the one who constantly took the piss outta me?”

He nodded. “He was… there was an accident. Flight of stairs. Instantly killed.” It was all lies, but no human would understand.

A hand went over his, squeezing. “I’m so sorry. He just, he just fell down some stairs?”

“A lot of stairs. I don’t know I guess he was running or something. There was no way to save him. People in the house heard the crash, but by the time they found him - when I found him - it was too late.” He had told this version many times, enough times to where he could almost believe it himself.

“Fuck, man. That’s… that’s fucking terrible,” Ann said sympathetically. “But I seriously can’t believe you just told me that.”

“Why?”

“Because now I have to tell you that mine is for Stella. Those are her initials.”

Stella Martinez. Now Shawn felt a little stupid… but surprised, and he was met with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t believe it for a second, but it fully processed in his head, and his heart began to break.

“Stella from college? Stella, who was your literal opposite and also your best friend?”

Ann solemnly nodded. Then she looked down. “She… she killed herself.”

Shawn was stunned into silence, the tightness in his chest only intensifying. The entire time he knew Stella, she was always so positive and bubbly. She was the opposite of suicidal. That’s why it was such a shock… and so sad. Oh god, who was going to tell Camila?

“When did Brian go to the other side?” Ann asked after a moment.

“A year ago last month,” Shawn replied. “And Stella?”

Ann raised an eyebrow. “Two years ago last month...”

It was a strange coincidence, but still upsetting. Both Shawn and Ann lost their best friends at the same time of the year. The urge to spill everything was thick in the air. Still, neither of them said anything for a while.

Instead, Ann reached down to the floor to pick up her clothes. Shawn’s eyes were stuck on her and that was when he spotted another word on her back. Nightmare. Small font, right shoulder blade, surrounded by a cluster of skulls. Then, he realized what she was doing.

“Are you leaving?”

She looked up, bra in hand. She was quiet as she put it back on.

“No. No, I’m not going anywhere.”

And she crawled back into bed. She made the point to keep a distance from Shawn, who was still naked. He was on his side, looking at the woman before him. Only Ann could have sex with him and bring up the subject of death. That brought a new point to mind.

“How do you enjoy death?” he asked. “I think I’ve asked you this before, but after losing someone and attending their funeral, I’m having a hard time understanding your perspective.”

Ann took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t enjoy the act of dying. People die every day in horrible ways. People mourn and fall into depression because of death. That’s not something to enjoy.”

“So what’s your deal with it?”

“I’m just embracing the face that it’s inevitable. I do that for myself. I will die eventually, or tomorrow-”

Shawn made a face; he didn’t like that thought.

“It doesn’t make it any easier when someone I know goes,” Ann continued. “You’d think with all the research I’ve done it would be. The ones we love leave this mortal plane, and all they leave is their absence. And that alone is a lot to process.”

“What’s the hardest part?”

“The what if’s.”

Shawn asked because he really wanted to know more about what happened to Stella. He had to know the things that led up to the tragedy, mostly because he knew Camila would ask for details, even if they were hard to hear.

He figured he should spill his side first.

“The last thing I said to Brian was to get the hell out of my room,” he began. “We were fighting, fighting over something so fucking stupid, and I was so pissed at him. That was our last interaction. He fell down the stairs because he was trying to find me in this big huge mansion…”

Ann sat up a little bit, hand over her chest. “Here?”

“Oh no, not here. I was staying at a friend’s house in London for a work thing. Place was huge, easy to get lost in,” Shawn clarified. “Brian, Andrew, all of them were leaving back to Toronto and I didn’t want to go just yet. Part of it was because I was still pissed. Maybe if I had run into him first before he fell… If I hadn’t kicked him out of my room a few nights prior… If I was less of an asshole…”

“Maybe you would have slipped on the stairs,” Ann told him. “Maybe you guys would have had an even bigger argument later that would have ended your friendship. There’s no way to tell, and sometimes that’s what sucks the most.”

Huh. Most people tell him not to dwell on it. No wonder Ann was a shrink now.

“Losing someone is one of the hardest things we, as humans, have to face,” she said. “It’s not easy in the slightest. Besides, the grieving period takes about three to five years, so you - we - are still in the beginning stages of it. Thinking about the what ifs, what you want to change, what you wish you could say to Brian - all of that is normal.”

The two of them let those words settle for a moment. Shawn’s eyes were a little misty, and redirecting the topic was probably not going to help. But he laid his stuff out on the table.

“What about you?” he asked.

“Me?”

“Your what ifs?”

Ann paused, looking around the room. “What if I had put my Master’s to use and noticed the goddamn signs?”

Shawn watched her, hoping she would at least return the eye contact.

“I’m an expert in this shit,” she said. “I have the years of school, the degrees, and the licenses for detecting things like this. I only figured it out the moment her dad called me.”

“How do you detect when someone is suicidal?”

“In her case, she was elated. When someone makes that decision, they reach a state of euphoria because they know their pain is about to end.”

“But Stella was always-”

“Believe me, I know. I hadn’t talked to her since graduating in Toronto, so I thought she hadn’t changed at all. But I would see on her social media, she just moved back to her parents’ house in Florida, and she hinted that she wasn’t happy about it.”

As if Shawn couldn’t take another blow. Come to think of it, he never heard much about Stella’s home life. He didn’t even think that it could be a negative place for her.

“I was in Jacksonville for work,” Ann continued, “so I hit her up, and we met up for lunch. We talked for about an hour, and she said that I was always a good friend and college wife and that she’ll always love me. And my stone hearted ass just said ‘cool, you don’t suck’ and that was that. A month later, she’s as blue as the pills she took.”

“Ooo…” Shawn sighed, cringing at that mental image. Sweet, warm hearted Stella cold and lifeless. Call it morbid, awful thinking, but Shawn wished Brian looked like that in death instead of the bloody mess he turned out to be.

“Yeah. And her parents had her embalmed and put in an airtight casket, but that’s a whole other rant.” Ann waved it off and lied back down.

Shawn didn’t know what else to do except lie down as well. While sharing the stories of how their friends died, he couldn’t help but feel just a little bit closer to Ann. The first time they met, it took fighting tooth and nail to get her to open up. Now, Shawn felt okay silently reached for her hand, and tenderly holding it in his.

Both of them winded up at the same awards show. Both lost their best friends. Both got the same type of tattoo to honor them. Neither of them anticipated meeting again. This couldn’t be a coincidence.

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @calyumthomas @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss @peruvian-bae @theprivatewritings

[crude-casey]

fuck it since im up im gonna reflect a bit.

still depressed, i guess lowkey suicidal bc i dont feel like im living anyway and continuing on a day to day basis is too much. its not worth it

im still lonely. barely speak to anyone anymore outside of my work. no close friends and definitely no emotional or physical intimacy in my life.

i doubt I'll ever really feel complete. there always something missinh. and the longet i try and fill that void the larger ut becomes. nothing is enough

ive lost interest in just about everything. i barely draw, play videogames, or make an effort to be productive in any way shape or form. i dont have the energy.

the few friende i do have i feel like i burden them. cause worry from months of being mia, lack of communication. not thst i dont want to talk, i have nothing interesting to say. im a bore and a burden . its just not worth it to have people who care about me when i couldnt carr less qbout my existence. it would make no difference to me if i just faded into oblivion.

im just so tired

[benhardyisdaddy]

Love Of My Life - Part 1

MASTERLIST 

Description: same concept of the movie p.s. i love you :’) 

RogerxReader with also JohnxReader 

(this is the first chap of my new story!!! i hope its okay, im so excited for pt2 omg. this is prob really long and drawn out, but im trying to get as much as i can out there before pt2. its gonna be sad and angsty so im SORRY pay attention to the foreshadowing thats all im gonna SAY)

Word Count: 1,773

They say finding your soulmate is rare. Half the time, everyone gets it wrong. They’re searching for someone that can fill this vast void in their life, but most of the time, they just end up expanding it. Your parents thought they were each other’s soulmates, but they were wrong. And you had to be the witness of them finding out they weren’t meant for each other. You were the product of fake love and you swore to yourself that you would never put your children through that. You swore that you would make sure the person you’re with is your soulmate. And then you met John.

The two of you met at one of the oddest locations you could have thought of. A funeral. It had been a rainy Sunday evening as you and your grandmother arrived at the funeral home. One of her older friends had passed away and she needed someone to drive her here today. You, of course, said yes. You had no relations to this one women whatsoever, but stepping out of the car, you were hit with sadness. Maybe it was just being at a funeral home, or because it was gloomy out, or just the thought of death in general. You weren’t sure, but you could feel it. You had rushed and helped your grandma out of the car. The two of you paused and looked around at all of the other guests.

They were all wearing black outfits with dark sunglasses over their eyes. To hide their tears perhaps? Your grandma and you look at yourselves and suddenly feel odd. The two of you have never worn black to a funeral. It was too cliche and it made you even more depressed. The two of you were wearing bright colors, that symbolizes happiness. Funerals weren’t meant to grieve and feel sad at, they were meant to celebrate a great life that lived. Guess everyone else didn’t feel the same way. You smile to your grandma and slowly begin walking towards the front of the building. A man and another older lady were standing by it, talking. He had looked over to you as you approached and he stood up straight. He stared at you with stars in his eyes and you couldn’t help admire how handsome he was. He smiled to you as you walked closer and you smiled back. Your grandma spotted the older women he was with and she calls out her name. The two of them get excited and hug each other tightly. You’re stood there next to the man awkwardly as you two just smile to one another.

“Y/n!” says your grandma. “This is my best friend, Rose!”

You smile sweetly to the women as you hold out your hand to shake hers.

“So nice to meet you, Rose.” you reply back.

She smiles to you and pats your hand with her other. She looks to the man next to her and places her hand on his shoulder.

“And this is my grandson John.”

John, you thought to yourself. I like that name. You smile up to him and watch as his cheeks slightly flush at all of the attention on him.

“And this is my granddaughter, y/n.” says your grandma, proudly.

You grin to John and reach out your hand to him.

“Nice to meet you, John.” you say.

He stares at your hand for a split second before his brain processes what’s happening. He quickly reaches forward and grabs yours. 

“Nice to meet you, y/n.” he responds.

There’s a slight shock between your two and the both of you almost gasp. You’re stood there for a second as your hands touch together and your eyes stare at each other. You remember where you were and you suddenly drop your hand. You felt something and you know for a fact that John did too. You were just frustrated of all places to meet him, it had to be a funeral. The two of you awkwardly smile at each other as your grandmother’s continue talking. Everyone starts to fill the building as you all look around.

“Shall we go in now?” asks Rose to you all. “You two should sit next to us.”

Your grandma smiles to you and agrees with her. John watches you as you enter the building first. You were, once again, nervous about your choice of clothing. A bright yellow sundress looked so out of place surrounded by all black. You noticed older people staring at you as if you had two heads. You cross your arms and look down to watch your feet. You hated to be the center of attention and this is exactly what that felt like. Your grandma noticed how nervous you seemed to be as she walks up to stand next to you. She looks around and realizes people were looking at your outfit. She leans in close to your and whispers.

“Screw what all of these people think,” she starts. “They’re all gonna be dead soon anyways.”

Your eyes open wide at you grandmas words as you look around fast, hoping no one had heard her. You look to her fast and watch as a mischievous smile forms on her face. You grin and can’t help but to laugh with her. John is stood a few steps away as he admires you. You all walk and find seats in the far back corner of the room. A pastor is up in the front of the room, getting everything ready for the service. People were sat all around you with tissues up to their faces. They were already crying and it hadn’t even begun yet. You didn’t understand why someone could be so depressed over someone passing. Then again, you haven’t had to live through that yet. Yes, it would be sad, but people tend to leave you all the time. Surely you would be use to that… Right?

The service suddenly begins, but you can’t help but focus on anything else but this. You glance over to your right at John and watch him for a moment. You suddenly look away fast as he glances over to you. He noticed you looking as he smirks. Whatever it is that you felt earlier when the two of you touched, he felt it too. And he knew you did as well. The pastor continues talking about life and living and suddenly it’s over. You all stand up and make your way to the grave site where they’ll bury the casket. You’re stood around towards the back as you glance down at your grandma. She’s the only one not crying, besides you. You didn’t understand why she wasn’t emotional. The woman who had passed away was her best friend in the whole entire world.

The burial is over as you all make your way to a building next door for the reception. John is stood next to you as you enter inside and look around. Long tables were set up with food and drinks all scattered around. Everyone around you flocks to them. John looks to you and you look up to him. He looks to the drinks and opens his mouth to speak.

“Um, would you like some punch?” he asks, hoping you say yes.

And you do.

“I would love some. Thank you.” you reply back, smiling.

He smiles and nods his head as he makes his way over to the busy table. You look back to your grandma as she stands by the doors. You walk over to her and she notices a confused expression on your face.

“Grandma?” you ask. “Are you okay? You didn’t cry once today. Did you take your medicine?”

She laughs at you and shakes her head.

“I’m fine, dear. You can’t force yourself to cry, ya know.” she teases.

“I know, but she was your best friend. I’m just surprised is all. It’s okay to be sad.” you tell her, hoping that might help.

She just smiles sweetly to you and slowly nods her head.

“I’m very sad. Rebecca was my best friend. But when you lose the love of your life, your other half, suddenly a funeral after that just doesn’t compare. You can’t find the same sadness you felt when they leave you. Almost numb.”

She was talking about when your grandpa had passed away. It was the hardest time ever in your grandma's life and you remember it so clearly. How she never wanted to leave her house, how she sobbed all the time. It was horrible. You never wanted to go through what she went through. You sadly smile to her as John walks up with the punch.

“Here you go.” he says as he hands it out to you.

You take it and quickly thank him as you sip on it. Your grandma looks between the two of you and senses something. She smirks and has an idea.

“Ya know,” she starts. “You two are awfully shy around each other. You should get to know one another. John, you should take y/n for a meal one day.”

You suddenly almost choke on the punch you were drinking. Your eyes open wide as she spoke. John’s smile falls as he looks to you quickly. You were so embarrassed. He doesn’t know what to say. He stutters his words as your grandma speaks once more.

“I had a soulmate look at me just like you look at her.” she says.

You wanted to scream, run and hide away. John’s face was bright red as he listened to her speak. Your grandma just smile sweetly and grabbed your hand.

“She’ll be ready at eight. Your grandma knows where we live.” is all she says as she begins walking away with you.

You look back to John quickly and mouth a ‘I’m so sorry’ to him. He smiles back and shakes his head mouthing back ‘I’m not’. You can’t help but smile to him as your heart flutters. The two of you stare at each other for a second longer before you turn and continue walking. Your grandma had used the word soulmate and she never uses that. You think about John and how you felt that spark when he touched your hand. You smile to yourself as you make your way to your car. You had met John, of all places, at a funeral.

You didn’t realize that the last time you would see him, would be at one too.

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[attickit]

“Top 10″

Tagged by the very lovely @serenililly to do a top 10 KPop song list thingy and let me tell you I did not follow any guideline whatsoever. I take the title with an ocean of salt.

So this "list" is just me messing with myself more than anything. I usually rotate between Day6, BTS, FTIsland, N.Flying and Stray Kids in my phone so this is just giving me an excuse to find other songs that I've stuffed away in my private yt playlist and listen to them again. I've gone down a rabbit hole...

(if you say that you were cheating with choosing songs and having honourable mentions, I'm basically criminal. There's more than a good 50 songs mentioned in this "list". Put me in a jail cell...)

Be forewarned; I talk a lot, so, everything is under the cut.

TL;DR I shoved all the songs that I really like into one post depite being told it is a top 10 song list. (also I've given up tagging anyone in doing this cause idk who to tag *finger guns*)

Eric Nam - Runaway (Honourable mentions: Love Die Young [I know this one's an english song but god is it good])

First off, let's be real. This song was going to get on this list one way or another. I wrote a FLUFF FIC for JUNGKOOK with this song. It made me write fluff for a guy a I don't even necessarily care to have fluff with. It somehow wrecked me as a person and god does it scare me. It's a romance that I want with my entire heart and I wrote it for someone who isn't my bias in anyway. What can that tell you?

ok but the song is one that I go back to about every week. I can't get sick of it. And if you listen to it with the English version right after it, it becomes such a whiplash. Eric knows how to mess with me.

Day6 - 365247 & Emergency  (Honourable mention: Deep in love, Hi Hello, Dance Dance, Shoot Me)

Look I try to keep it to one song per artist but the Entropy album was a fcking all kill for me. This album would be on number 1 if this was on a top ten album list instead. (If bts hadn't stolen my heart already at the time, Day6 would have been my ult of all time because these boys are hilarious.)

365247 is such a funky tune and I find myself seeking out this song everytime I'm feeling a little spunky. Feels like one of those sexual tension songs to me for some reason but I love it.

Emergency is a bit of a mess but like in the best way. Just the sounds of blaring sirens and heart monitors just, my god. The way the lyrics were paced to fill the theme in even more was so good. What can I say? Like, it was a really well done song. And I am head over heels for it. (also the fact there is a dance for this song is amusing)

FTIsland - Pray (Honourable mentions: Stay, Hello Hello, Falling Star, Memory, Take Me Now, Paper Plane)

*stares down the Japanese releases* Oh god I love those. It was hard to separate them from the Korean releases because the Japan releases were the ones that got me to FT and eventually, K-Pop in general. But then I also remember that there are songs that have a Korean version. As much as I am more familiar with the Japanese versions, the Korean versions are great too.

The reason why I chose Pray as the top song is I guess just the state that I was when it came out. Like, I felt it through my bones and it kind of never left. So whenever I listen to Pray, I have the visceral feeling that I need to scream at a god. I don't but it just relieves it by the end of the song. (also Rock that I can scream to when I actually want to)

Jonghyun - Before our Spring (Honourable mentions: Take the Dive)

Simply known as the song that broke me and put me back together. It's now the song that reminds me that there's more to live for. I don't think I can listen to this song without at least tearing up a little. I'm sorry Winter Angel and thank you.

N.Flying - The Real (Honourable mentions: Hot Potato, Rooftop, 4242)

THE REVIVAL of my darling boys. God how much I had missed them and the return being one of the stupidest mvs I know (not counting anything from norazo or Psy), it was so perfect. And then the follow up being Hot Potato, just N.Flying had such a great revival that really suited them as a group. I always go back to it whenever I need a smile.

Epik High - Born Hater (Honourable mentions: Lullaby for a Cat, People Scare Me)

This one is the only one with no real reason why I picked it. I just really like it and it had a lot of people contibuting to the song.

The Rose - Baby (Honourable metions: She's in the rain, Red)

Back to my band shennanigans (if you haven't noticed the list being almost half bands). The Rose holds a good place in my heart too. With a voice like Sammy boy's, it's had for me to not have them in the back of my head as I listen to songs on desktop.

AKMU - Time and Fallen Leaves (Honourable mentions: Melted, How People Move, Chocolady, Re-Bye)

I listened to this song A LOT when it came out in 2014. Back when I was still in secondary school going through my depressive teen phase (i'm joking, but am I tho). But really this song was what kept me going and not just find a easy route out. It kinda gave me sense of hope. Cause where else do you fall back when all your friends actually really hated you?

BTS (Well duh) - 소우주 (Mikrokosmos) (Honourable mentions: SPRING MF DAY, Magic Shop, Mono, Anything Jimin has put out solo-wise, Dionysus, DDaeng ect.)

(link goes to the live version of the mma performace in the bangtan bomb)

Every song since the WINGS era has gotten so strong and well done. And it keeps getting better It's been just so hard to figure out which song is the one I'd pick to listen to always.

I was just about to put Spring day as the top but I remembered Mikrokosmos. Idk what it is about Mikrokosmos but it's found a permanent place in my heart for songs that comfort me the most. It inches Spring day in the top spot of fave. I used to have a playlist with all my comfort songs in one but I accidentally deleted it and im too lazy to recompile it tho.

-

Honourable mentions (Songs out of my heavy rotation)

Orange caramel - Catallena Lim Kim - Rain, Goodbye 20, Awoo Heize - Jenga (ft. Gaeko), Don't Know You Bol4 - Bom, Galaxy IU - BEEP BEEP, Palette Zico, IU - Soulmate Block B - Yesterday,  Toy Bastarz - Zero For Conduct, Make it Rain Vixx - Into the Void, The Closer, Shangri-La, Black Out TXT - Poppin Star, Run Away 10cm - Pet,  Phonecert Stray Kids - Awkward Silence

And ok I'll stop. I have to stop.

[thegoods]

A Piscean midlife crisis...

So I’ve always heard that Pisces tend to “find themselves” later in life. We’re the floating through life, daydreaming, late bloomers of the zodiac. Which should be perfectly fine if we understand that “plan” right? Well it hasn’t registered with me yet because my stress level, my feeling of complete misdirection and purposeless-ness* is at an all time high. The overthinking has become my full time job ... pardon me- unpaid internship. The second guessing and always getting in my own way on one side and the powerful unfuckwitable queen on my other are about to clash like never before. Like watching a car crash in slow motion. At any moment I feel like I’ll crumble into a billion pieces or I could walk into a Starbucks and have an epiphany! It could go either way and that bothers me. I see triple digits ALOT like ALOTTT. Specifically 333-444-555. I did some google searching and I hear you universe :) butttttt help me out just a tad bit more please. I pride myself and wear my piscean fish on my sleeve. I’m always getting caught daydreaming. I fall in love with the person that I’ve created in my head vs the actual person in front of me. I’m an emotional powerhouse 24/7. I KNOW that my creativity is my strength but how do I use it? What are the specifics? Pin point that for me. The unknown is giving me so many doubts but at the same time I know I’m destined to use my creativity and personality within my career. BUT DOING WHAT LIKE.. EXACTLY?? 🤔 I look at my celebrity siblings like Rihanna, Jhene Aiko, Cindy Crawford, Steve Jobs and Erykah Badu and my success nerves begin to tingle. I know that no matter what I do- I will not be a failure and I mean that in the most humble way possible. You’d think I’d just be out here trying to master the world but that “getting in my own way” flaw is a bitch and a half! I’m in my late 20s and I feel like I’ve completely fumbled my 20s. Not in the comparing my peers success at this point to mine type of way but in the I personally want to be somewhere, anywhere better at this point. Im grateful for everything that I have and had. I completed undergrad and it was a great experience for me. I spent the summer at a beach bartending because I took a leap of faith but that was short lived. I landed a job in my field and was miserable for 2.5 years. The money and freedom was great. I was completely independent and I guess financially stable but I was so unhappy. Talk about spiritual suicide, dragging myself out of bed Monday-Friday. I know it was because I was uninterested AND the fact that I was unable to let my creative juices flow. It had gotten to a point where I was so unhappy I felt hopeless and depressed. My friendships and relationships suffered in a major way. I was looking for them to fill that void of happiness that I was missing. How could I put that pressure on them? Not to mention that I didn’t even know what made me happy? So how was that supposed to even pan out? My day to day since then has been a roller coaster. I think that’s why I despise them in real life aside from the feeling of a near death experience and all. I’m running out of patience honestly. We’re on borrowed time on earth ya know. Tomorrow is not promised— nor is this afternoon. I just wanna be great. Not famous. I just wanna be successful. Not rich. I just wanna be genuinely happy. Not this.

[spacejew]

oops accidental personal post I guess

It's weird that I almost feel the need to go here to personal blog again because of a handful of irl friends following what was supposed to be a private personal Twitter in theory, just for like, idk, internet strangers and friends I made online not those imported from meatspace. Also those character limits... Suffocating.

Anyways yeah things are kinda stable but dissapointing lifewise? I'm definitely in a rut and stuck somewhere I'm desperately trying to get out of. Also like. idk. Gender shit. I think I really fucked myself over hard when I made the decision a few years back to conviously bottle up all my dysphoria and trans feelings and bury them and repress them hard and just live as a very gay and feminine bi boy and like. hm. I think I've been happy since? But im thinking now that maybe. Because that's still a part of my psyche that haunts me every day. I might actually have been mildly depressed this whole time and like, still struggling to make important life decisions because of the anxiety of that. Idk. Maybe if I got a therapist and realistic attention to that all those years ago and it turned out to be very real n legit and i got to make tough choices and live my truth, I would be equipped now to actually be joyful and able to fully focus on hard work and taking risks and putting myself out there and being successful and shit. Idk idk idk. I just have to wonder if all this time I've actually been quite unhappy and filling the void with dumb shit and a good deal of dissociation and complacency. Idk. what I'm saying is maybe I made a big mistake there lmao and could've started transitioning, if that's right for me, 4-7 years ago maybe, who knows. Haha so fun. Fuck me. Big Regrets, lads. But also I still don't know if that's right. Which probs means it is who am I kidding. Oof. But it's ok life is a journey I'm full of wise shit and I know it's not the end of the world. It just kinda. Makes me so sad on behalf of the old me who would cry so much because of dysphoria and living in this body in this life. She knew. I don't know why I buried her alive like that. Anyways.

I spent all year struggling to make an animated short (which ended up being kinda long tbh like 10 minutes?) by myself mostly, just me and my mental blocks and executive dysfunction and shit, but I was v passionate about it and worked hard and got to actually bring a whole vision to life, with basically nobody to tell me what to do, just give me feedback that I wasn't obligated to follow. It came out pretty nice and I'm very happy that I got to tell exactly the story I wanted and try a cool new look and I just wish I gave myself more time to work on the actual animation part but I put my heart and endless weeks and months of refinement into the storyboarding and script and every little detail and I really feel accomplished and like it paid off -- and I even got to do a private screening at my summer camp job that I was called in to do one more time at the last minute right when I finished my film, it was a miracle and so perfect, everyone cried and truly loved it and felt touched by it. And then I went to animation festivals! And all this cool shit! But... I haven't been able to figure out a public screening thing yet. And I feel like all my excitement is gone now. And I really wanted to polish the look and some backgrounds a little, just some very quick rerendering and comp, but. I feel like too much time has passed, i just feel dissapointed. I haven't put it online yet cause I haven't done my public screening, cause of my stupid anxiety about little details and overall idk imposter syndrome I guwss I feel more ashamed of it than proud of it even tho it's probably good, and like I feel that everyone was excited to support me but probably nobody cares anymore.

Basically I had all the wind taken out of my sails. Oh and right when I was trying to get it off the ground I guess and push through, my grandma died. I'm so heartbroken I loved her so fucking much and. She never got to see the film cause of my stupid bullshit. I feel so bad about that. So so bad. Ugh. And it's a film very very hilariously blatantly directly based on me and my feelings and my real family history, ultimately besides other main themes it's about talking to your grandparents and family about the past and your current feelings. And in it the main character, a girl, cough cough even though it's basically me, cough cough go figure, gender shit, anyways the climax is her going back in time to talk to her great grandma, and it's very emotional and my best friend of like almost 10 years now composed and recording a music for that scene for me. And now when I eventually screen this, my entire family and also myself is gonna get torn to shreds by this scene more than intended because my own fucking grandma, who I was excited to show this film to more than anyone on earth, passed so unexpectedly without seeing it. Fuck. Why didn't I send it to her when she was in the hospital? Obviously cause if I did that that would make it real and she wouldn't get better and all I do is live in denial. Ugh. Anyways yeah. The point is I'm stagnant and in a rut right now and just want to move forward and focus on making new work and just get a real career relevant job already. Tough year hit a well needed high and now petering off back into misery. Not to be dramatic. I'm ok tbh I have a part time I'm slowly getting sick of and a loving supportive partner and some very good friends, tho not as many as I used to see regularly and that's kinda sad too. That's your 20s babey.

I just need to move on and make big changes. My pattern rn is like. Work fri-sun, if I'm lucky I get to hang out with friends or lovers, usually at least with my partner. on monday I recover from working. on tuesday I have dnd and usually get some stuff done but honestly just catch up on warframe with my clan friends. wednesday my partner and I got to the park and library for half the day and eat and draw and talk. on thursday I mentally prepare for work again and usually we go out to play another roleplaying game with her roommates friends. a lot of that free time that's been left unmentioned is spent being over at bae's sometimes so I don't have the ability to get much work done. Lately I've spent most of my time planning a dnd campaign which is fun but also too stressful on account of obviously I'm not playing it yet so like what's the point, sorry friends who have patiently waited for months for me to be ready to start the game for them. And also like. Yeah idk. just sad and confused and resting my weary heart and body after a very rough month after my grandma passed. But! I did accomplish a very crazy deep cleaning of my room. I threw out 14 bags of shit at the least. I wish I weighed it all, it was a lot. I feel so much more organized and cleansed from that. For the record I didn't have any trash in my room, nor was it every a mess. Just every single cabinet and drawer was crammed full of stuff and I guess I hoarded a lot of shit. I was able to throw away a lot of things I held on to be cause of sentimentality and I'm proud of myself for growing that way. So like. Idk. It's not all bad, baby steps. I still feel like I'm constantly improving as a person! I'm positive, optimistic. Just tired, anxious, and feel bad.

Also I finally got a new phone and because of my hubris I dropped it without a case and it shattered only two weeks in. The day I was gonna buy a case. But it's ok. Story of my life I guess. I can't keep everything pristine and polished forever, one day shit falls and breaks but it's still usable. It has character.

I wasn't expecting to dump everything like this, sorry yall. Thanks for reading I guess. Also I forgot how to do a read more on mobile lol sorry

[lopships]

So tell us about your f/os, hmm?

oh my god anon you’re gonna get me on my shit okay here we go im putting this shit under a cut for your sake.

TW for blood, graphic content, and imagery that may be scary to some. generally if you’re paranoid, don’t look. there’s also mention of suicide and spoilers, obviously. the videos embedded need warnings for loud audio. be wary if you use headphones.

well first there’s HABIT from everymanhybrid.

this is HABIT. he’s not so much the body you see here but the thing inside of the body. he’s humanity’s “bad HABIT”, meaning that he’s an amalgam of every disgusting urge and impulse we have and act on. he’s kind of gross and the fandom is pretty torn on him, for good reason– while he’s a very charismatic and likable villain, he’s still a very very bad one. i don’t even have to get into the Steph accident. i’m sure everyone who knows what i’m talking about is cringing visibly as you read this.

the way the cookie crumbles, according to his actor, Evan Jennings, is that his true form is something along these lines:

( source: zombielovejuice on IG )

which is fucking sweet if you’re into that sort of thing, but… i just like to acknowledge it and ignore it because i’m not a furry like @void-raccoon​

here’s my favorite video featuring HABIT, which is also where the above gif is from. thank me later if you aren’t already into EMH!

HABIT, in the above gif, is inHABITing Evan. another character in everymanHybrid. this is a perfect segway into my next f/o! 

Evan Jennings from EverymanHYBRID!

can we take a moment to appreciate all that fucking blood…

aight so Evan is a member of the original crew. he’s the goofy, funny, knife loving jock type completely willing to pummel a faceless entity with a baseball bat. he’s a do now, think later type. 

his actor is an absolute GENIUS and honestly, if you aren’t familiar with this show, PLEASE give it a try. at least watch the videos i’ve linked. without context, they are still amazing. 

but, as i was saying, evan. he’s honestly kind of a tragic hero, really. after HABIT inHABITed him, he took everything and everyone away from Evan and stripped away all of his spirit to make him the perfect vessel. the man went out into the woods and was gutted by the Rake– which, if you don’t know, is THIS thing–

– and, due in part to HABIT’s regenerative powers, STILL beheaded the damn thing and fought until neither one of them could anymore. what a fucking icon. what a hero. 

here’s my favorite video featuring Evan and honestly one of the best entries of EverymanHYBRID to date.

what a fucking work of art.

i’m gonna stick to the theme and talk about another Slenderverse canon, Tribe Twelve! if you don’t know what Tribe Twelve is, you will find out while watching EverymanHYBRID, as the two are connected. please, at least give EverymanHYBRID a try if you’re into this kind of stuff. you won’t regret it.

but basically, we have Noah Maxwell.

played by Adam Rosner, who is also the ingenious writer and creator of TT. he’s on here as @.thenimbus, so if you’re interested in his content, go check him out. 

but basically, noah’s cousin milo is tragically killed by his own hand and his death leads down a rabbit hole filled with conspiracy theories, convoluted family history that ties back to a group of “basically” gods. these gods are called the Collective and are in cahoots with The Administrator, otherwise known as the slenderman.

one of these members is called The Observer.

who inhabits the body of one of noah’s friends, Kevin Haas, and basically spends all of his time terrorizing Noah to the point of driving him to alcoholism and deep depression. i won’t spoil everything, but the Collective wants something out of Noah that will force him to lose their game.

and then in steps Firebrand!

again, i really don’t want to spoil everything about Tribe Twelve for an ask, but if you want to know more, please just watch Tribe Twelve oh my god it’s amazing

this video hits both Firebrand and The Observer and is, again, one of my favorite videos in the series. 

honestly there’s so much more i could say but this post is so long already. if you want to know more about how i play into this picture or specifically about a certain F/O, everyone i’ve listed on this ask and the others in my about right here are F/Os. just send an ask fwiofjieofj 

ugh thank you for the ask im sorry this was so convoluted… i guess just give this a like if you’ve read this far?

[themagiciansreccenter]

Author Spotlight @echomoon

Every week we are going to be interviewing a writer from The Magicians fandom. If you would like to be interviewed or you want to nominate a writer, get in touch via our ask box.

First things first, tell us a little about yourself.

what up im jared, im 19 and i never learned how to fuckign read. JK my name is Theo and I super know how to read. Most of the time. Also I’m 22. Anyway I’m one of the more OG members of the Magicians fandom, having been here since back in the early days of early s1. Uhhh I’m nonbinary and hella queer. Metafic is my most favorite thing in the world other than puppies. I cry at least once a day. I have adhd and depression and chronic pain and hella other issues. I’m an anthropology major, in my third year. I’m a slytherin, an illusions discipline, and a pisces.

How long have you been writing for?

Since I learned how, basically, but I only really started posting things online because of the Magicians and also because of Twilight?

What inspired you to start writing for The Magicians?

It’s the BEST and I find it very easy to write from Quentin’s pov which means I actually finish things sometimes lol.

Who is/are your favourite character(s) to write? What it is about them that makes them your favourite?

Quentin, because he is essentially me if I was born as a cisdude except more repressed in terms of sexuality and also more wealthy, which makes him super easy to write and super easy to get ideas about. I also like Penny, because for some reason people think I’m good at writing him?

Do you have a preference for a particular season/point in time to write about?

I write a lot set in the Brakebills years because I like the whole magic school thing and the exploration of magic and interpersonal relationships without having to deal with the Beast or other threats trying to destroy everything they know and love? Like I like that slow burn, spread out, things are happening but they’re happening slowly and also heres some meta about magic kind of exploration that that time gives me the opportunity to do. I think this is partially influenced by that the first book has them in that setting so much longer, and partially because I’m still doing the whole college thing myself and find that easiest to relate to (because no one really wants to read ‘Quentin working two part time jobs and struggling to survive and nothing else happens’ unless it’s just a tiny segment of the fic lmao).

Are you working on anything right now? Care to give us an idea about it?

Well, in regards to Magicians fic, I’m still trudging along on chapter two of Magician’s Path - I’m trying to introduce more of Julia’s side of the story as well as working on how to warp the two canons into each other while also making the storyline unique - and also on the next part of crazy/classic/life, my paradise kiss and magicians crossover au. I’m also trying to find the time to record more podfic of my fics, because I think its important to have audiofic available. But nothing new, just continuations.

As for other fandoms, I’m working on a HELLA long reworking of the Descendants universe (hi i love disney channel movies dont judge), and that’s my primary focus right now in terms of fic.

How long is your “to do list”?

Very

What is your favourite fic that you’ve written for The Magicians? Why?

Oh heck, um… probably either all tied up or The Magician’s Path. all tied up was my first time writing PiV smut and also writing shadeless!Julia and I’m just really proud of it? And TMP is like, my baby, my huge multichapter canon reworking that I’m putting so much planning into and I’m always so excited to talk about it. I know it doesn’t seem like much yet but y’all I have so many plans for it and I hope you end up loving it as much as I do.

Many writers have a fic that they are passionate about that doesn’t get the reception from the fandom that they hoped for. Do you have a fic you would like more people to read and appreciate?

TMP for sure - I hope that when I’m done more people give it a try.

What is your writing process like? Do you have any traditions or superstitions that you like to stick to when you’re writing?

Ha my writing process is either ‘has no ideas for months straight and then suddenly idea when I’m supposed to be doing something else but I gotta write this down!!!’ or ‘one sentence every month at most’. Now that the FTB server has gotten bigger, I’ve found some people who will proofread for me, so there’s that editing process afterwards (thanks @oneeyeddestroyer for being the best beta).

I guess my only superstition is that if I’m doing a multichapter or big work I try not to give too much detail out when I talk about it because I get worried that saying about the plot too much will make me lose interest in it.

Do you write while the seasons are airing or do you prefer to wait for hiatus? How does the ongoing development of the canon influence and inspire your writing process?

I do tend to write more when the show is airing, because more people are engaged and it’s something to fill the void between episodes - during hiatus I tend to drift away a bit and focus on other fandoms. This is the first show thats been so all consuming for me, I don’t usually watch things while they air because I tend to forget about remembering to watch them after a week or so? But Magicians keeps pulling me back and keeping me in.

As for ongoing canon developments, it really depends on the thing. If it fits into my plot of it’s a detail I want to put in, I might, but otherwise I’m comfortable lifting what I want from canon and throwing the rest out for a fic - we follow a show with canon multiverses, we can do what we want lmao.

What has been the most challenging fic for you to write?

Honestly, most of my fics? Because I try to improve every time I write and like, explore new things. So whatever I’m working on at the time is the most challenging.

Are there any themes or tropes that you particularly like to explore in your writing?

EVERYONE BEING HAPPY AND NOTHING BAD HAPPENING EVER cough cough I mean, um. I like meta, I like worldbuilding and exploring meta and seeing what I can change. I keep accidentally writing soulmate fics? So that’s a trend I guess.

Are there any writers that inspire your work? Fanfiction or otherwise?

Oh heck, so many dude, I don’t even know, I’m gonna just link you to my bookmarks because that’s the fic I love and probably unconsciously imitate on the often

As for nonfic, like I def want to write like Marisha Pessl or Tamora Pierce or Donna Tartt or Lev Grossman or Mark Z Danielewski but more in his house of leaves phase than his current stuff tbh or Neil Gaiman and also like. Everything that you read or watch or experience makes up how you see the world and how you create what you create and I consume so much stuff I can’t even begin to guess my influences beyond the little tidbits that I keep in my bookmarks or on my shelves.

What are you currently reading? Fanfiction or otherwise?

Currently I’m reading a lot of harry potter fic - the mood is the department of mysteries or other exploration of magic, so things related to that. HP fic is my go to when I’m not revving for any fandom in particular. Nonfic, I’m working my way through Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, which is hella fucking good, as well as a bajillion textbooks.

What is the most valuable piece of writing advice you’ve ever been given?

Fuck canon do what you want

Cringe time:

Are there any words or phrases you worry about over using in your work?

Yes but now that you ask can I remember any? Nope.

What was the first fanfic that you wrote? Do you still have access to it?

Oh shit dude I don’t even know. The earliest one I can remember was this like, post twilight self insert fic where the cullens came to my middle school for some reason? I barely finished the intro of it iirc but it might still be in my stack of papers in my old room somewhere.

Rapid Fire Round:

Self-edit or Beta? Beta (always get a beta kids! They’re worth their weight in gold)

Comments or Kudos/Reblogs or Likes? Comments!! (please, leave me comments, i live for them)

Smut, Fluff or Angst? fluff

Quick & Dirty or Slow Burn? Slow burn

Favourite season? All?????? Dont make me choose

Favourite episode? Im stuck between life in a day or all that josh

Favourite book(The Magicians books)? Probably book 2, i love seeing julia’s side of things and exploring hedge magic

Three favourite words? BUTTS, lore, hearth

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