#i had a mental breakdown bc of this like a week ago :

[pepprs]

crying again lol ok

[astraysimp]

Mini Binnie

I'm back-kinda! This is based on this ask

Hi everyone! I am back with my first full fic in a while! Sorry it has taken me so long, I have had many many many mental breakdowns BUT I AM FEELING BETTER AND DRINKING WATEER! YIPPEE!  This is for my lovely 🍒 anon! Who is my first request, like ever, so thank you lovely anon! I saw the words chunky baby and i KNEW  I had to whip something up. Soooooo, enjoy my loves!!!!

Pairing: Changbin x reader AND BINNA (THE CHUNKY BUBBA)

Warnings: this might suck bc I haven’t sat down and written a full fic in a while so I sorry, dad!changbinnie, 10 month old Binna( our chunky bubby), FLUFF FLUFF,, italicized text indeicates reference to the past, pet names,simp binnie, playful teasing,fem!reader, let me know if i missed anything 

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 

10 months ago, you and your husband Changin welcomed your daughter into this world. Her name is Binna and she is yours and Changbin’s world. Changbin was the proudest dad to be and is now the proudest dad. 

Even in your 42 week pregnancy— Binna came late, loving her warm, safe home in your belly a little too much— he was proudly telling everyone and everyone that he came across that he was going to be a dad. And when i say everyone, i mean everyone. He told strangers, his bandmates ( like a million and one times), JYP, his managers, he told STAY on bubble and in lives, he told his stylists, his bandmates’ stylists, he even told you. 

Currently, you were about 30 weeks into your pregnancy. So, your bump was round and proud. You and Changbin wer5e cuddled on your couch, watching your favorite k-drama as he rubbed your belly. Turning to you, an ecstatic giggle tumbled from his lips. “Yes, jagi?” you asked him, pausing the drama on the Tv in front of you. “I’m going to be a dad.” He giggled, his hands caressing your bump. “Yes, you are, Binnie.’ you patted his hand and laughed. “A baby. Our baby, jagiya!” he exclaimed, he was just exploding with excitement. Yes, you knew you were having a baby, your bump proving the point. But, you couldn’t crush his cute excitement.

Pressing a kiss to his cheek, you giggled. “You know, i hope she looks like you, binnie.” Gasp, “yah! You can;t just say things like that to me, yeobo!” he pouted. “Why not, my binnie?” You giggled, pinching his  plump cheek. Oh, that’s why. Sniffling, he whined and whined. “I’ll cry, jagiyaaaaaa.” oh, he was so cute. “Baby, why are you crying?” 

“You said you hope our baby looks like me,” he sniffled out.

And you thought your pregnancy hormones were all over the board. Well, at least he’s cute. 

Holding his cheeks in your hands, you pressed a plethora of soft kisses all around the perimeter of his face. “Waaahhhhhhh. My Binnie is so cute!”  you google out, seeing a soft crimson blush rise up his neck, cover his cheeks and tint his ears. “Why is my hubby blushing? You’re too cute?” nYou teased, his eyes crinkling as his perfectly straight pearly white teeth flashed with his wide grin. “You’re making me! Yeoboooooo!” 

“How am i  making you blush, huh binnie?” you giggled, as his hands resumed their usual belly rubbing. Such belly rubbing causing your already daddy’s girl to kick from her secure place in your womb. Laughing, you pinched his cheeks, “see. Even Binna thinks her appa’s cute!” 

Again, he giggled, as a blush tinted his cheeks again.

“Shush, yeobo.”

That was a little over 11 months ago. Since then, you and Changbin have been soaking up the precious times with your baby girl. When she became Earth side, you remember how chubby she was– and still is. Her late birth made her a chunky and squishy baby. 10 pounds and 5 ounces to be exact. So, safe to say, Binna is a chunky girl. And a replica of her appa– big brown doe eyes, the same smile, raven black her and the same giggle.

Oh, her giggle, one to match her appa’s. 

Currently, you were sitting next to Changbin on your couch, a 10 month old Binna on his lap. She was giggling and hitting her hands against his chest as Changbin’s lips were blowing raspberries on her cheeks. “Hi, Binna! Binna bear!” you cooed, leaning over to press a kiss to her cheek. 

Giggling, she squealed and turned her head to look at you. “Eomma!” she squealed– although her first word was appa. Something Changbin was very  proud of and told everyone. “Hi baby doll! Are you having so much fun?” you perched, as one of her small, chubby hands reached towards you.

Taking her hand in your, you smiled and playfully bit at it. “Eomma! Eomma!” She exclaimed, plopping herself to lay against Changbin’s chest. Smiling, Changbin held her close to his chest, his hands supporting her back and legs. “My binna bear, give appa some love,” he pouted, pressing his lips to her forehead. Gasping, she looked up at him, her pink lips forming a small o-shape, before forming a gummy smile as she giggled. “Appa!” she exclaimed, her short legs kicking. 

reaching her arms up, she pressed her hands against his cheeks, smooshing them to make a fish face. “Appa!” She squealed, loud, high pitched giggles falling from her lips. “Ppo-ppo?” Changbin asked, hands lightly tapping on her bum, as he puckered his lips even more. Puckering her own lips, Binna raised herself to be level with Changbin’s face. 

What Changbin thought would be his daughter giving him a sweet kiss, was not that. 

Puckering her lips, Binna leaned and bit down on Changbin’s chin. “I-Binna bear, what are you doing, bubba? I wanted a kiss.” He laughed, feeling her nomming and gumming at his chin. The cold wetness of her drool coating the slightly stubbled skin of his chin. “Okay, princess, come here,” you cooed.

Leaning back, you carefully lifted her off his chin and subsequently off of his chest. “Yah! Yah yah yah, I still haven’t gotten my kiss,” Changbin whined, seeing Binna curl into your hold, her hands holding a tight grasp onto your shirt, as you peppered her chubby face in kisses. “Oh hush, let me love on my princess,” you retorted. “Binnie, you get plenty plenty plenty of kisses. Doesn’t he, princess? Doesn’t appa get so many kisses?” You smiled, as she giggled and kicked her feet. “Eomma! Eomma ppo-ppo!” She giggled, smacking her lips together. “Yes, baby. Kisses for eomma,” you giggled, kissing her lips. 

Pouting, Changbin leaned over, with his lips puckered. “Not fair, jagiya! I want Binna kisses too,” he pouted, watching Binna smack her lips onto yours. “How about me, binna bear?” He pouted, leaning in to try to steal a kiss. “Eomma kiss!” She squealed back, much to Changbin’s dismay and chagrin. “Wha-why not appa, binna bear?” He pouted, pretending to sniffle.

What a dramatic man. Hanging out with Hyunjin too much,although he would disagree.

Laughing, you squeezed binna to your chest as she kissed your cheeks. “Waaah! Thank you, angel! So many kisses for eomma!” You laughed, watching as Changbin’s jaw dropped. Bro was flabbergasted, appalled, taken aback. He was shook. 

“Wh-why does eomma get kisses but not me, binna?” all Binna did was giggle, continuing to give you kisses. Squealing happily, Binna laid her small chunky body against your chest and smiled. “Because she loves meeeeeeeee. Isn’t that right, princess?” You cooed, rocking her back and forth in your arms. “Love eomma so much so much, huh, Binna bear?” Nodding her head, she pressed her lips against yours before resorting to laying her chubby cheek against your shoulder.

Maybe, she wasn’t so much of a daddy’s girl after all. Lies. Binna was the epitome of a daddy’s girl. Oh, she’s crying? Changbin walks in and those tears dry up and she goes back to being her bubbly self.  She can’t fall asleep? Put her on Binnie’s chest and she’s out like a light. You’re trying to feed her mashed veggies and she won;t eat them? Let Changbin feed Binna and she'll eat those veggies right up. 

Daddy’s girl

But, you could pretend for a little bit that she was a mommy’s girl. Just for now, until her daddy’s girl side came back out. 

Smiling, you cuddled her small body close to you, her arms curled around your neck for some much needed eomma cuddles. “But…. she’s my binna bear…just want a kiss is all.” He sighed out, gently running his hand over her pink sleeper onesie clad back. “Binnie, my sweet sweet husband….you know she’s the biggest daddy’s girl. She clings to you, day in and day out. Not that I'm complaining. I find it adorable, you and your mini. But, she needs momma kisses and cuddles sometimes.” You conceded, gently leaning forward to press your lips to his in a soft kiss. “I know, jagiya. I know,” You soothed back, running his knuckle over your knuckle. “You’re the best wife, eomma and partner anyone could have. I don’t blame her for needing some lovings from you, in fact I want to join,” he giggled.

“Join? Yah, be careful, you sap.” You teased, as he maneuvered himself to be fully wrapped around your side. Much like Binna was cuddled into your shoulder with her cheek pressed against you and her arms curled around your neck; Changbin was wrapped around you. His arms curling around your waist with his head on the opposite shoulder.

Sighing, you turned and kissed a kiss to his forehead before repeating the same to Binna. “Aigo, now I have two cuddly babies, don’t i?” you pondered to yourself. Nodding, Changbin smiled and pressed a soft kiss to the underside of your jaw. “Indeed you do, yeobo. Me and my mini.” situating yourself into a more comfortable position, you leaned to settle your back further into the couch. “Now, how am I going to get up if I have to use the bathroom?” You questioned, feeling him nuzzle further into your side. “We’ll figure that out when we get there, yeobo.” he smiled, his big brown eyes filled with nothing but pure love and adoration for you.

You really do have two babies, in the best way. There was a lot of Changbin’s personality that showed and carried in Binna’s.  She got his bubbly personality, his eyes, his laugh and giggle and his love for your love and cuddles. 

 she was the epitome of a daddy’s girl. She’s tired? Give her to Binnie and she’ll fall asleep in the snap of a finger. She’s upset or fussy? Not when her appa holds her and kisses her cheeks. You made pureed veggies and she won’t eat them? Sure, not when you try to feed her. But, let Changbin feed her and those veggies will be eaten without crying, fussing or a tantrum. 

And her favourite plushy? You guessed it….dwaekki.  

Curling himself into your side, Changbin laid his head on your shoulder and pressed a soft kiss to the underside of your jaw. Unknowingly, his knee was pressing against your lower region. “Aigo, Changbin-ah. Don’t do that please, my love. Then I’ll have to pee.” You breathed out, wiggling in your spot a bit. “Oops. sorry, jagi.” He nodded, head still tucked into your shoulder as he moved his leg to sit lower. “Thank you baby.” You smiled, pressing a kiss to his nose.

Laying into the couch, you sighed. “At least if I have to go to the bathroom, I can take binna with me.”  Wait, Binna goes but not him? Changbin thought to himself. So he pouted and looked up at you.“If you go to the bathroom, I get to go right too?” he asked, settled into your side. “I-what kind of question is that Changbin? Why would you go.” “Well, it only seems fair and right since baby princess gets to go.” this man. He is something, that’s for sure. “Binnie….I love you and all. I do, really but please be so for real.”

Time had passed so fast that neither you or Changbin had realised it was 8 o’clock. Which was Binna’s usual bedtime. So, she would eventually grow sleepy and  fall asleep. However, Changbin was still tightly curled around your body. His arms around your waist and one leg thrown over the tops of your thighs. 

Changbin had always fallen asleep if he was cuddled to you, and Binna would as well. Well, when she wasn’t in Changbin’s arms.  While being so befuddled by your dear husband asking if he was going to the bathroom with you, you had failed to notice how Binna had gone completely relaxed against you and fallen asleep. 

Peeking down at her, you smiled to yourself seeing how her eyes had closed, dark eyelashes fanning over her chubby cheeks. While her arms were still curled around your neck, they had gone more lax. A state of sleepiness and relaxation consuming her small body. Her legs were relaxed, lax against your torso. “Awwwww, princess is asleep, bin.” You smiled, gently rubbing her back. 

“She is,hm” He smiled, gently lifting his head to see his 10 month old daughter so completely relaxed and at peace in your arms. “Mhm. My cuddles do have that effect. Even on you,binnie. “ It was true. Something abo0ut being in your arms or just curled around you brought a sense of peace and urged anyone to fall asleep within minutes. Especially Binna and Changbin.

Changbin could never place a finger on it as to why your cuddles so easily made him fall asleep. Maybe it was the way you would play with his hair or run your hands up and down the expanse of his back. Maybe it was your soft scent, a scent he knew as home– soft cashmere notes tinged with vanilla and a hint of a light spice. Whatever it was , he would never complain. Often getting the best sleep when he was in your arms or cuddled up to your body and Binna seemed to be the same.

Feeling himself yawn, he nestled his head into your shoulder and pressed a kiss to the space of skin that your shirt didn’t cover. “Sleepy, binnie?” you perched, pressing a kiss to his temple before resting your cheek against his soft black curls. “Mhm,” was all he was able to get out before another yawn cut him off. 

His strong arms, once tightly wound around your waist, had loosened their hold. Still, they were holding you and Binna close to him and his leg had relaxed on its spot on your lap. He was almost there, the realm of his dreams creeping upon him and embracing him in their hold. The big brown eyes that had been passed onto his daughter, asleep in your hold, drew closed. His own eyelashes spanning the tops of his cheeks. 

Smiling to yourself, you gently manoeuvred your cuddle puddle so you could lay more comfortably on the large plush couch. Binna still safe, tucked against your chest with Changbin curled into your side. Pressing a kiss to his hair, you smiled and repeated the same to Binna’s hair. “Good night, binnie. I love you to the moon and back.” 

“I love you too, forever,” was all you heard before falling asleep yourself. Warmly welcomed to the world of dreams where you would see Binna and Binnie, even while asleep. 

They were yours forever. Binnie and Binna, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. Blessed was an understatement when it comes to the lights of your life. 

🌟Hi hi hi! I hope you guys enjoy this fic! I think I am slowly easing my way back into writing so please bear with me! I love you all! My requests are open for drabbles or full fics. Reblogs are appreciated 🌟 

🌟REPOSTING ON ANY PLATFORM, STEALING, REPUBLISHING WITHOUT MY CONSENT, TRANSLATING OR IN ANY WAY CLAIMING MY WORKS IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED AND YOU WILL BE BLOCKED🌟©AStraySimp2023 🌟

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[mcgnussen]

i wasn't going to rant about this but i'm gonna bc it has actually pissed me off. people are acting surprised it's cancer but were fully ready to believe the royals were using a body double, that william was having an affair and kate had left him, that she had a mental breakdown etc. etc.

did we learn nothing from chadwick boseman? people's cancer diagnoses are not public domain! kate had major surgery only two months ago, we were told then that she wouldn't be back before easter which is still a week away and still the whole fucking internet and the media decided "nah, we can't let her be" and so many people bought into mad conspiracy theories.

but they released a photoshopped picture? they do that all the fucking time as do all celebrities. and no, the picture was not meant to be "proof of life", it only became that to the people crazy enough to think she might actually be dead. if the palace had not released a picture, the rumours would also have just been going crazy and people would continue to speculate why she had not been seen. the conspiracy theories did not start with the picture, they were already running rampant before it.

at the end of the day, no matter how you feel about royals, then kate is a mother with young children. the fact that she didn't immediately run to the bbc to share "i have cancer" when she had to process the unexpected diagnosis herself, reassure her children, make a chemo plan etc. is absolutely understandable. it was not the palace's bad pr that did this, it was people buying into conspiracy theories instead of using logic. if someone has surgery and you hear nothing for a while then it's likely bad news and bad news is almost always cancer.

no matter how famous someone is, they are entitled to privacy especially when it comes to their health. we shouldn't force anyone to perform when they're coming to terms with a cancer diagnosis. i sincerely hope people have learned from this but considering the shit we went through with chadwick boseman then probably not.

[peachesofteal]

RAAAAAAAAH CHAPTER 13 BRO!!!!!

as always, i read it like a rabid animal, and then reread the prev 4 chapters and then reread this again HAHA

your work ages like fine wine, and i read and treasure every word of it, especially on rereads when i can make myself slow down to really take it all in <3

"He takes it all away. Every time." made me WEEP!!!!! its what she DESERVES!!!! the dependability and the escape into him and simon (simon takes charge obvs, but johnny is just as much an outlet. sweet sweet boy)

i think he also realizes that she's seeing it as escapism and starts to fall away a bit, bc of how he stops her and asks to check in. it makes me curious abt his and simon's early relationship, if he's recognizing the same pattern of behavior and comparing them.

going on with that, when she was showing them her scars, AUUUUUUGH. that hit so hard man. the “No but… they’re hideous.”

“No.” Simon croaks, voice thick. “There isn’t a single part of you that isn’t perfect.”

SIMOOOOOOOON he sees so much of himself in her. its gotta be heartbreaking, knowing she's where he used to be. he gets it fr. i cant imagine two people more suited for her, someone who's been where she is and got out, and the person who's helped get that someone out of that pit. fuck dude. you're so good at this HAHAHA

im not gonna say nothin abt the good girl stuff…. but heehee!

also also "I'm not a little human nurse" made me laugh so hard LMAO pure arizona from grey's. ive been watching it lately (started right before you started posting simple math actually) reading the hospital bits of SM, you do a really good job of capturing the same energy and stakes and work dynamics that you get watching grey's. im honestly still waiting for the other shoe to drop on the stupid attending marshall, there's always something that a shitty attending can mess up down the road lmao

the ending on this chap killed me though. they knew she was flighty, and that she's smart and capable, but its gotta be so hard to get the relief of her coming back after the day out without answering the phone, only to find the papers the next morning. in bunny's defense though, she mentioned in chapters before moving in (i think before graves hurt her?) with them that she had to start looking at outs, and these papers aren't a 2-day turnaround; she probably bought them weeks ago and only now picked them up. i could be wrong though! i think its unfortunate timing, but she also probably just wants the relief knowing that she's got the backup plan accessible. as much as she loves the boys and penny, she's still not used to having the dependability. the safety scares her, or at least gives her the idea of a false sense of security, since she's been on edge for so so long.

i give her big smooch. poor bun. poor boys, and poor penny. manifesting the worst for graves, truly, rot in hell you idiot american

i hope you're feeling better, its lovely to read your works but even better when you're doing well yourself ❤️❤️❤️

I loved reading this! I adore you.

I love how you noticed that Johnny does stop to check in. He has a very firm grip on her mental and emotional state, (it’s not his first rodeo) and he knows just how to bring her back.

The two of them + Bunny is really a dream come true even if she doesn’t realize it yet (they do) and it will take a lot of time and work on everyone’s part.

I think your notes in your last paragraph are pretty spot on, too. Bunny will talk about it more in the next two chapters but- getting a new identity is not a two day turnaround.

Also yeah, I was channeling Arizona with that line 💀 I was hoping someone would catch it!

10/10 I love your breakdowns, no notes, perfection, they always make me smile.

[rainbowcrowley]

15 questions, 15 10 some friends

i got tagged by: @queerbuck and @gentlebeard, thanks lovelies 🥰😘

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

don't think so, no. my dad picked up my name somewhere on tv or radio..? and he really liked it. i must admit, it's a cool name bc it's unique, but i like my chosen nickname waaaay more. it's also gender neutral so 🤷🏻‍♀️

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

i rarely cry bc of Reasons but the last time was.. about 3 weeks ago, during a mental breakdown yay

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

nope. also don't want kids. i'm not fit to be a parent.

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?

not many. i hate exercise lol. did some archery lessons a few years ago - i even got pretty good at it but had to stop, bc it's an expensive hobby. oh and back when i was 15/16 years old i had some horse riding lessons, but that's it.

DO YOU USE SARCASM?

yeah, i think? not as much as i used to, tho.

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

eyes, hair and smile, i think

WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR?

blue-grey

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

fuck scary movies man. i hate horror. it's not my genre. it's not that i get scared easily... i just think they're boring. gimme all the happy endings pls.

ANY TALENTS?

overthinking (:

(my therapist would scold me for not putting something positive here, too, so... guess i'm a really good cook? it comes easily to me and i really enjoy it. does this count as a talent..?)

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

(northern) germany. komme aus dem echten norden.

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

watching movies/shows/youtube, reading, playing video games, travelling, tech and computers, tumblr/fandom.... guess??

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?

noo, not at the moment, sadly.

HOW TALL ARE YOU?

1.78m 🧍🏻‍♀️

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?

school was hell :) but i guess today it would be english, german, physics and history...?

DREAM JOB?

the one i'm doing/learning to do right now. i'm an IT specialist apprentice. :) (the guys you call when the printer doesn't work and who will ask you if you have turned it off and on again ehehe)

no pressure tags: @beccibarnes @underwhelmingalchemist @crowleyraejepsens @crowleyholmes @sherlockig @skinnyscottishbloke @wibbly-wobbly-blog @stedesbonnets and everyone else who wants to do it ✨️

[itzynabi]

together

summary: in which someone talks to eve

set: 3 nov 2018

word count: 3.1k

warnings: talks of depression & mental health, mention of food. pls tell me if i missed anything

an: the gif is mine. if im being honest, this was a very self indulgent scenario of things i wish i was told, but it was surprisingly hard to write bcs i had no idea how i wanted to be comforted. anyways, i hope you like it! words im bold are english. feedback and reblogs are much appreciated 💐

eve’s masterlist

A plate of food was placed in front of Eve. “How are you feeling?”

She looked up at her brother as he sat down opposite her at the table. “...I’m not sure.” She could tell he wasn’t satisfied with her answer, but he didn’t push it. Thankfully.

Following her breakdown five days ago, Kibum became very involved in her life. Every morning and night, he would ask her how she was feeling; she had to write in a journal — she didn’t have to show him anything she wrote, though; they went on walks together with his dogs. He wanted to help her.

“I’m going to meet up with Taeyeon today. You’re going to training, right?”

Eve shook her head. “The trainers are still sorting out whatever the problem is. But I’m gonna go to a dance class with Chaeryeong and Ryujin. Then we’ll get lunch and they have to do homework, so we’ll go our separate ways.”

“Okay.” Kibum nodded. “On your way back, can you pick the dogs up from the day care centre? I’ll send you the address.”

“Okie dokie,” she agreed. “Can we eat now?”

“Yes. Yes, we can.”

Ryujin groaned as Eve massaged her shoulders. “Everything hurts.”

The three girls had finished their dance class at a studio. It was their first time going to that studio, so they didn’t know what to expect, and they quickly realised how under prepared they were. The two hour class started and ended with thirty minutes of cardio to ‘help with their stamina.’ Or so they were told.

Chaeryeong returned to their booth with a tray full of their food. “My legs felt like jelly when I was fetching the tray,” she told her friends.

“It’s only my back that’s sore,” Eve said. She stopped massaging Ryujin — causing the girl to groan louder — and turned to face their food.

Chaeryeong slid into the booth, groaning in relief when her legs stopped paining. “You’re lucky, unnie.”

“How isn’t everything sore for you?” Ryujin asked, taking her soda.

Eve answered as she sorted through all of their food, giving each girl their meal, “I did this type of stuff in strength and conditioning for ballet. It wasn’t really cardio focused, but everything would get worked out and exercised.”

Chaeryeong slumped against the booth. “I should’ve gone to your school. Then I would’ve been so strong.”

“Even the teacher said she has good muscle,” Ryujin commented, dipping one of her chips into tomato sauce.

Eve picked up a slice of her potato and bacon pizza. “I’m only strong because I actually work out,” she said before taking a bite.

“We also work out!” Chaeryeong argued, sitting up so she could start eating her cheeseburger.

“But unnie works out every week,” Ryujin pointed out as she took the gherkins out of her hamburger, putting them on the side of her plate, “we work out once a month. Sometimes once every two months.”

Chaeryeong nodded in agreement. “True. She could be a national athlete with how much she works out,” she joked with a giggle.

Ryujin nodded, also giggling. “She should do women’s footb–”

She stopped speaking as the intro to La Vie en Rose started playing from the restaurant speakers. Both her and Chaeryeong glanced at Eve, who was too busy enjoying her pizza to notice. She looked up from her plate when she noticed the silence at the table.

“What’s going on?” She asked, putting her pizza back on her plate. She looked around the restaurant in confusion before hearing Eunbi’s part of the verse playing. “Oh.” She simply said, returning to her pizza with an indifferent shrug.

She hadn’t told anyone about her mental breakdown, but she knew her friends knew that something was up with her. Eve tried to conceal the way her hand trembled slightly by using two hands to eat her pizza.

“You don’t have to, like, act weird around me,” she said when she noticed how Ryujin and Chaeryeong were trying — and failing — to pretend they weren’t watching her.

Chaeryeong chuckled awkwardly, fussing with her hair. “We’re not acting weird.”

Eve rolled her eyes dramatically with a groan as she put down her pizza. “I flopped my way out of debuting in IZ*ONE. It’s not the end of the world. I’m okay. You can talk about the group, or the song, or anything — I won’t freak out. It’s not a big deal.” Even to her own ears, it sounded like she was trying to convince herself of what she was saying.

“Well, yeah, it’s just… I mean, you really wanted to debut, Nabi unnie. And we were all voting for you and everything and… It’s just a bit awkward because you don’t seem sad but you also do?” Ryujin said, scrunching her face more and more as she spoke. “You haven’t said anything, but we can tell that something’s upsetting you.”

Eve sighed. “It’s just the normal disappointment that comes with not getting something you wanted. You guys know what it’s like, you both didn’t get to debut through the survival shows you were on. I’m dealing with it in my own way, but I’m fine. Besides, I don’t want you to feel like you can’t be proud of your sister,” she told Chaeryeong. “I didn’t debut, but she did. That’s great!”

Ryujin nodded slowly. “Acting like this must make it harder to get over it, right?”

“Yep,” Eve said, popping the last P. “It’s almost suffocating.” She stole a chip from her friends’ plates, trying to lighten the mood again. She knew she succeeded when Ryujin took one of the cubes of potato off of her pizza and Chaeryeong took a sip of her soda.

The three girls finished eating their food as they talked some more. Within another ten minutes, they had finished their food and had left the restaurant. They stood outside the building, watching as cars drove by.

“Well, it was nice hanging with you guys,” Eve said, knowing that Ryujin and Chaeryeong were going to do their homework. “Enjoy doing your essays.”

Ryujin and Chaeryeong shared a look before the former girl stepped closer to Eve. “Unnie, we’re not going to do homework. We’re… We’re going to the company.”

Eve blinked repeatedly, shaking her head. “What do you mean? There isn’t any training. There hasn’t been for a while.”

”It’s because we’re not training, we’re debuting,” Chaeryeong said. “That’s why there hasn’t been any training. Just like when TWICE sunbaenim and STRAY KIDS sunbaenim were preparing for their debuts.”

“Oh,” Eve said, not knowing how to react. She felt a bunch of conflicting emotions. “Um… I’m happy for you!” She weakly cheered. “You guys are… gonna do so well. Um, I have to go fetch Commes Des and Garçon now, but… Wow! Congratulations! Really. Bye.”

She turned around and walked away, not waiting to listen if her friends were going to say anything. She quickly went to fetch her brother’s dogs and returned home. She put some dog food and water in their bowls, still thinking about what Chaeryeong and Ryujin told her.

Eve truly didn’t know how to feel about it. She obviously was happy for them — who wouldn’t be? But she was also… jealous. She worked insanely hard to be good at her craft, but it wasn’t enough. Jinyoung wasn’t kidding when he said that her performance in Produce 48 would affect whether or not she would debut in the new girl group.

Kibum entered the passcode to his apartment, walking in. “Thanks for coming, noona,” he said as Taeyeon walked in behind him.

“It’s okay,” Taeyeon waved him off, “don’t mention it. By the way, where are Commes Des and Garçon?” She asked, noticing how the dogs didn’t rush to greet them and how they weren’t in the living room.

Kibum frowned as he looked around the room. “I don’t know. Nabi said she’d fetch them. Maybe they’re on a walk?” He poked his head into his room, not noticing how Taeyeon went to open Eve’s bedroom door.

“I found them,” she whisper-shouted. She heard Kibum walk towards her until he was standing behind her, staring at the sight in front of the both of them: Eve curled up in bed with both of the dogs in her arms as she slept. Garçon wasn’t facing them, and therefore hadn’t seen them, but Commes Des was staring right at them. Both dogs were awake, watching over Eve as she slept.

“Was she crying?” Taeyeon asked, noticing dried tear streaks on Eve’s face. She started walking forward, but was stopped by Commes Des growling.

Kibum groaned, “Why are you growling? What’s the problem?”

Commes Des squirmed his way out of Eve’s hold, standing just in front of her as Garçon turned around to face the two idols. Eve stirred softly as Commes Des kept growling.

“Bro, chill,” she mumbled, raising her right arm to gently stroke his back. “Relax.”

“He was about to attack me,” Taeyeon joked, nodding her head slowly and squinting her eyes in the way she usually did.

Eve sat up slowly, still holding onto Garçon. She yawned as she fully woke up and rubbed her eyes. “What’re you doing here, ahjumma?”

“Kibum-ah asked me to talk to you,” she answered, pointing at the man.

Eve simply blinked. “Are you my therapist?”

Taeyeon chuckled, walking fully into the room and sitting down next to Eve. “I’m not your therapist, no. I’m just… here to talk. About whatever you want.”

“I’ll be next door,” Kibum said, turning around to walk away. Garçon and Commes Des followed him out of the room, probably so they could force him to play with them.

“Do you want me to close the door?” Taeyeon asked, pointing at it. Eve hesitated before nodding and Taeyeon got up to close it before returning to sit next to her. “So…”

“So…” Eve echoed. “What did ahjussi tell you?”

Taeyeon sharply inhaled. “That you broke down–”

“True.”

“–, that your depression is worse–”

“Yep.”

“–, and that he’s worried about you and doesn’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Yeah…”

“Oh! Also that you wrote a song.”

Eve nodded. “Oh, yeah. I did. Would you like to hear it? Or read the lyrics? I didn’t actually record it, so…”

Taeyeon nodded. “Yeah.”

“Okie dokie.” Eve stood up and walked to her desk. She ruffled among the many papers lying all over the desk, letting out a soft ‘Ah-ha!’ when she found the exam pad she wrote the song on. “I wrote it in English, but I wrote a Korean version of it,” she told Taeyeon as she walked back to the older girl and handed her the exam pad.

The room was quiet as Taeyeon read over the lyrics, only the sound of her flipping the page to fill the room. Eve used the time to observe Taeyeon. She knew that Taeyeon also had depression — she sang about it. It was through talking with her and Jonghyun that she realised she might have depression. She went to a psychologist to get diagnosed, but didn’t see the point of going to therapy because she felt it wasn’t serious enough for therapy.

When Taeyeon was done reading, she closed the exam pad and put it down next to her. “Well, that’s… Well, it’s sad. Do you want to talk about it?”

“There’s not much to talk about really,” Eve said with a shrug. “I mean, it’s all clear.”

“Okay. Then can you tell me why you were crying?” Taeyeon asked, gesturing at Eve’s face.

Eve visibly hesitated. “Um, my friends are debuting. That’s why there hasn’t been any training. The company stops training when a group is preparing for debut to stop the chances of the song or choreography being leaked. I found out today when we were eating lunch. It was just… PD- nim told me he wanted to debut a new group. He told me that my performance in Produce 48 would affect whether or not I debut in the group and… I didn’t make it into the group so… Yeah.”

Taeyeon’s eyebrows furrowed. “I’m sorry, Nabi.”

“You don’t have to apologise for anything. It’s not your fault. I should’ve done a better job on Produce 48, it’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault,” Taeyeon told her.

“Yes, it is. I was the one competing, I was the one that performed, I was the one that didn’t do her best. I’m the one that’s at fault,” she said, feeling herself get emotional again. “I’m happy for my friends, but I feel like…”

“Like that should be you?” Taeyeon finished for her, Eve nodding.

“I’m not saying they don’t deserve it, I just want it for myself,” she explained. “I’ve been a trainee for so long, I’ll never debut at this point. I should just switch to becoming a full-time ballerina. I can audition for the national ballet and–”

“Woah, woah, woah.” Taeyeon waved her arms around. “Nabi, you’re going to debut. You just need to keep going.”

Eve scoffed. “Unnie, I’m not debuting. It’s been six years, okay. I’ve showcased everything that I possibly could — I have nothing left. The company’s probably going to cut their losses and just tell me to end my contract. I wouldn’t fault them or anything. I pretty much embarrassed them. So, I’ll just reinvent myself and do bal–”

“Why are you so adamant on giving up?”

“Because I’m tired!” She exclaimed. “I’m tired of everything. I just want to stop.”

Taeyeon wrapped her arm around Eve, squeezing the younger girl’s shoulder. “Agi-yah, I know it’s hard right now, but it’ll get better soon. Unnie promises. I’m here, Key’s here, everyone’s here. And we’re going to support you, okay? Just hold on a little longer.”

They were silent for some time as Eve calmed herself down. From outside her room, they could hear Kibum trying to bargain with the dogs to get them to let him rest. “I don’t know what’s wrong, it’s… Something is broken,” Eve said. “I’m broken.”

“You’re not broken,” Taeyeon comforted. “I know it feels that way — I know that’s what your brain is telling you —, but trust me, Nabi-yah. You’re not broken. All you need is to get help — professional help.”

“Oppa said the same thing. We’re in the process of looking for a therapist that won’t tell me it’s all in my head.”

‘I mean, technically, it is all in your head,'' Taeyeon joked, trying to get Eve to smile. “It’s a mental illness. In your mi–”

“I get it, oh my goodness.”

Taeyeon chuckled. “You know I’m here for you if you need anything? We’re in this together, okay? I don’t call you Kim Maknae for nothing, so come to me whenever. I know what you’re going through — I’ve been there. I won’t leave you to go through this alone. We’ll take it step by step by step by step. You’re doing so well and I can see your hard work.”

Eve nodded. “Thank you, ahjumma. It means a lot.”

She squeezed Eve’s shoulder. “It’s no problem. And you do realise that when you go to therapy, you’ll have to talk about your feelings, right?”

Eve groaned, throwing her head back as Taeyeon cackled. “I’m not looking forward to it.”

“Just pretend your therapist is me and you’ll be fine.”

“But,” Eve started, her voice slightly more uncertain, “I’ve, like… Like, I’ve…”

“Yeah,” Taeyeon encouraged.

Eve sighed frustratedly. “I don’t know, it’s… I’ve basically, like, found a way to mould my life around my depression. It isn’t constantly bad or anything like that, but it’s there. And I know how to go through life while being depressed, you know? And… I guess, I’m just… Who am I without depression?” She asked, not actually expecting Taeyeon to answer. “When I went to that psychologist, he told me that I most likely started feeling depressed when I was twelve and subconsciously found a way to, like, ignore it, or whatever, but he could see the effects it had on me. He said the reason it was getting more apparent than before was because I was feeling more and more stressed and he gave me ways to manage them. And I follow the tips, and I do the stretches and meditations, and I’ve, like, reworked my personality around this depression thing, and… I don’t know who I am,” she finished, panting lightly.

“I relate to that,” Taeyeon said after a minute of silence. “You spend so long being depressed that you can’t remember who you were before you were depressed. Or, you do remember who you were, but it’s so similar to who you are now that you start to wonder if you’re actually depressed. So then the question becomes, ‘Is it that I’ve been depressed for longer than I realised?’ Or it’s, ‘Am I even depressed enough to warrant seeking help?’ Or, it’s ‘Am I even depressed at all?’ And honestly, Nabi, I don’t know what it is. I so badly wish I could tell you the answer, but the truth is, I’m also figuring that out. Like I said, we’re doing this together. So, if you find out the answer to that question first, tell me,” she joked.

Eve nodded with a chuckle. “Okay, okay. I have no more questions to ask now,” she said.

“Yeah? I find that hard to believe, but I’ll take it.” She stood up, removing her arm from Eve’s shoulder. “Let’s go out there. We bought you a cake. And, hey. If you’re not added to that debut in JYP by the end of the year, I’ll use my connections to have you debut solo. Or I’ll add you to Red Velvet.”

Eve rolled her eyes as she stood up. “Why would you add me to a group that’s been active for four years? I appreciate the sentiment, but seriously?”

Taeyeon scoffed, opening the door. “It’s the thought that counts,” she whined as they walked into the living room.

Kibum looked up as he threw a toy for Garçon to chase after. “Are you done?”

Taeyeon nodded. “We talked and talked.”

He shifted his gaze to his sister. “Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, actually,” Eve said with a deep exhale. “Ahjumma said things that I needed to hear. Thanks for arranging this.”

“Of course, you don’t have to mention it,” he said, sighing as Garçon put the toy back in his hands. They all watched as Commes Des stalked over to Taeyeon, the idol picking the dog up.

“I heard there’s cake.”

an: i dont go to jype so idk they actually stop training when a group is preparing for debut, but i thought it would be a cool thing to add/write about

tagging: @seolboba // @ateezivy // @ateezjuliet // @cafemilk-tea // @smh-anon // @alixnsuperstxr // @cosmicwintr // @girlzwfun // @txt-yaomi // @moongrlz

©️ kim nabi

[jinchuls-moved]

hi, important lil note

pseud change, jinx -> echo

you don’t have to read but there’s a not so thought out ramble of all the thoughts in my head rn under the cut. i feel like ive been tricking people and i want to explain myself

okay so, i moved blogs when i was in a very negative space. i only stayed away for about a month, i missed tumblr and i missed writing even if it took me a hot minute to feel good enough to even be semi active on here.

tumblr can fucking suck. i left because there was drama with a few people that left me a mess honestly, those people have since been blocked and i started to feel a little bit better. i also noticed a number of people breaking mutual with me, which i completely understand curate your space as you need i’ve done it a few times myself, but the amount of people that did in a short time (as far as i noticed) gave me a terrible feeling and i needed to leave. i felt unwelcome and like i had done something wrong to people i had only interacted with a few times. this was on top of a lot of stuff i had going on irl, i felt so fucking alone in every aspect on my life regardless of my friends that made it so obvious they were there for me. i hated how i was at the time, and i appreciate every single person that stuck by me.

so i made this blog for a fresh start. i thought a new pseud and a new blog would make me feel better. and it did, for a while. my friends knew and they listened to my request to change tags, not refer to me as any previous nicknames and essentially not make it too obvious it was me. although i don’t think it was entirely impossible to tell. but now i miss all those things, i miss being stupid with my friends, i miss getting to call my best friend my wife on dash, i miss getting to miss astrology aims and mother nesi nesi, i miss the mutuals i used to have that i didn’t tell about the move because i was scared they were going to think i was stupid. i miss the url i kept going back to bc i loved it (possibly the most silly reason but still ukaishin holds a special place in my heart)

and it just doesn’t feel right. everyone has been so nice to me so far and it feels wrong knowing that wasn’t how echo ended, it makes me wonder what was wrong with me then that wasn’t now? but reality is, it’s nothing. shit happens, i needed time to get over a lot of things and it took time. even quite recently i had a terrible evening because of an old mutual. as in i had a mental breakdown because they added one stupid word to an ask that made me feel pathetic for sitting there the night before crying about how much i was missing them to aims.

getting called jinx in dms throws me off, i appreciate those that knew me first as echo using the new pseud, but it never took. it was never a name i was happy with (except for the first couple weeks on this blog) and im sorry for any confusion and having to switch pseuds again. i just don’t want to move blogs, i don’t want to have a whole thing i just want tumblr to be the happy place it was for me for almost 2 years. it got me through uni, being on here with the friends i’d made, i spend my final year of school in a constant mental breakdown, crying on the phone to my mum almost everyday and it was kaze that kept me going, motivating me to get my degree. it was kaze that flew to england to meet me and attend my graduation. it was aims that was the first person to reach out to me and give me the type of friendship i needed. it was everyone in our silly delululand server that made me laugh and reminded me that no matter how shit people were there were good ones. and it’s the good that’s made me feel better. and the good that makes me want to try one more time to maintain that happy place i had 2 years ago

that got too sappy but i refuse to edit <3

[remcycl333]

Remiii so I’m the type of persona to just read a success story and wanna do what they do BUT I don’t bc I’m tryna persist in my affirmations, but even so I’ve kept a mental diet around manifesting xyz for a minimum of 2 weeks I even did the 10k affirmations challenge and NADA! I didn’t check the 3D and I know I’m checking the 3D rn and not persisting with my affirmations but I’m so over it already bc it’s been a MINIMUM of 2 weeks that I’ve done this and I ain’t see no results when it’s not supposed to take more than 3 days 😭😭😭. Also yes it’s for the void 👁

so im gonna tell you a little personal anecdote!

at the beginning of my manifestation journey, i really wanted to manifest my ex back. this was a couple of years ago now. i had learned to manifest in steps, so my first step was to manifest him to text me. i wanted this text instantly so i constantly over-consumed (loa tumblr didnt exist at the time so i watched youtube vid after youtube vid) and after a day of affirming id get mad and watch another vid and google "how to instantly manifest a text" etc even tho i already knew exactly how to do it. i'd occasionally get a text but then my sp would ghost me again and i'd spiral and form new limiting beliefs and eventually i was just so fed up.

then in may 2021, i decided i'd keep a STRICT mental diet and persist until my manifestation showed up. it was hard at first, because i (like a lot of my anons) would occasionally freak out and wonder if i was actually doing everything right. but i would affirm "yes, ofc im doing everything right" and continue persisting.

it took me three weeks to manifest this text. i started at the beginning of may, and i woke up to a text from my sp on may 21st. (don't ask how i remember that date lol) so it took 21 days aka 3 weeks. the day before i got that text, i had a little breakdown about how long it was taking and i said "no rem, you're doing everything right he's gonna text you" and i forced myself to affirm and distract myself from my spiral. and then very next day i got a text.

the thing with persisting is that you have to do it until it manifests. no matter how long it takes. i know it can feel like it's not working because you've been going for so long with no visible movement, but i promise it will manifest as long as you keep going.

ofc you can manifest in 3 days or less, but if it takes longer than 3 days don't assume that's because you're doing something wrong or it's not working. that assumption will only keep it from you longer!! just keep affirming, and you can even throw in some self-concept affs like "my 3d conforms instantly" "my affirmations manifest instantly" "everything i affirm shows up in my 3D instantly" etc!!

you got this!! you will enter the void one way or another, just keep going no matter how long it takes!! <3

[t4tbedehopmar]

tdlr: i'm leaving tumblr for mental health reasons and to concentrate on school! this is probably a forever thing. i had a very nice time here, thank u to all my friends for being there for me <3 disc is hxtterenes and twt is mochiinami but i can't promise being active there, i'll try tho! byebye and live laugh love bedehopmar! <33

hello! so um. all of u clearly have realized that i haven't been online these past few days!! i rlly didn't feel well enough to be here so uh yeah djdhdjj and u see after this week of constant thinking i've decided... that i'm leaving tumblr. 99% sure this is a 'i'm never coming back' thing but u never know! i'm so sorry for doing this but as u've probably noticed my mental health has gotten worse this summer and it's mostly bc i spend way too much time on tumblr and then get sad and angry bc i feel ignored, and that's just not good for me! plus this year i rlly want to concentrate on school (as i'm starting in two days) and tumblr won't help me at all. this doesn't rlly have to do w my breakdown from a few days ago but it has helped me realized this site isn't rlly my thing. now, to all my friends here, thank u sm for sticking up w me all this time! it's been like. 2 years since i joined tumblr? and u've always made me feel like in home! u guys are simply great and i've had sm fun w all of u <3 i'm gonna miss talking to u but it's for the best! i'll never forget the time we've spent together, or u. just in case anyone wants to keep in touch my disc is hxtterenes, but i can't promise i'll be online there ^^; i'll try my very best tho! i'm also on twt but idk. it's mochiinami if anyone wants to follow! again i'm very sorry for this sudden decision but u have to understand this is what's best for me.

and w that goodbye! thank u thank u THANK U for everything u've done for me, all of u. i can't say that enough dkdhdjj but i truly feel it! u guys are one of the best things that have happened to me. now then farewell! may bedehopmar always live in ur hearts <3

[lights-at-night]

k so in light of the new ofmd trailer (:DDDD !!! <333) i must yeet my thoughts here

so at some point, stedes gonna be in china. idk how he would end up there, but its before his reunion with ed, which is probably where we pick up that new susan character

ed is absolutely not dealing with the breakup well. hes shown crying (again), states he had a bad night, and the whole “no more booze, no more drugs and no more stede” part implies he absolutely got high and blackout drunk. when did he do this tho? it could have been the night directly after the breakup, which is possible, but what i think is he did thing at 0:26 and went full blackbeard for a day, then had a super-mental-breakdown at night after he did a bunch of piracy. cmon he had it coming dude got abandoned by the first person to value him as he was and after coping well was promptly told by his like oldest friend to act like the media version of himself again and then killed a guy+ and probably more. 

where did the pearls ed is wearing come from? i think hes wearing them at the scene where they raid a wedding and also above picture, idk. he wasnt wearing them in the last appearance in s1 right? i wish for a timeline when did he get those 

anne bonny!! she and someone are here. (lesbians?)maybe stede and ed are reconnecting with the wider pirate community and they accidentally reunite. but thats unlikely considering the “ED!” *slap* part, but that could also be afterwards. Aaaaaaaaaa

why are people fighting at spanish jackies bar 

and someone is yote into the water. i have a feeling its ed bc of the silhouette, but im not sure. It would be fun if lucius like revenge-pushed him in tho 

OKAY MY MASTER CONSPIRACY (not really) 

what with all the british fancy army dudes and “to is the end of piracy” or something, and now “we have one shot to get out of here”, i think they got captured by the english. blackbeard escaped and broke the act of grace contract, which aint a good look for them. so itd make sense if they were to go after the revenge. now they get captured, as its implied in that part that the crew are breaking out of somewhere.

see they are fighting at 1:29

 ALSO KEY THING in 1718 

(https://blogs.loc.gov/law/2022/12/stede-bonnet-and-the-golden-age-of-piracy-part-two/) 

i think the endy bit of ofmd might follow what seems to have happened historically! which…might not be the best thing. 

because the historical stede bonnet dies dec 10, 1718. 

…

i hope that doesnt happen. 

at 1:12: doesnt the guy in white look like the guy ed (tries to?) shoot in the teaser?? something gives me hornigold vibes i think i saw a post about it idk

the only thing my brain came up with for why theyre all wearing garlic and doing the cross at 1:17 was vampires. 

a party definitely happens at some point, love it 

also pretty minor thing but someone does drag in there and i would like to proudly state that i called it a week ago (@queers-of-marybelltownship and @photogenic-strawberry can confirm this) 

someone is swinging between two ships. is this a new way to board ships? man i dont know well just have to see

izzy dealing with the english again is probably going to happen but with the whole “you dont know the first thing about piracy its not about glory its about belonging to something” line i doubt it will be with malicious intentions towards our intrepid protagonists again

i think - i hope - blackbeard dressing in plainer clothing at the end of the trailer as opposed to allllll the black leather is a sign that he and stede have made up and are chill. 

in this season there will be lesbians/sapphics

and may we just admire jims new look 

thats it thank you for reading all 6 hundred and something words of this byeeeeeee

(hope that made sense bc when i copy pasted this from docs all the pictures got removed :’))

[menalez]

I hate the way you are being treated for experiencing trauma and sexual abuse, no survivor deserves this including you. I acknowledge you have incredible grace in dealing with this but more importantly you shouldn’t have to, it’s not right to put a survivor in this situation and constantly triggering their trauma no matter what you think about them. I have had similar experiences with CSA and ongoing SA after and I can’t imagine how I would deal with being picked apart like you have been. I don’t care what grievances these people have with you, if they actually supported survivors they wouldn’t react in this way to you (also I fully believe you about your experiences and about your sexuality if that isn’t clear). It sickens me to see people saying they fight for women’s rights treat you like this. If we can’t support our fellow women what’s the point? I know not all women have the same opinions and politics but it’s seems very basic to me to not harass a survivor of these things. The least they could do is shut up and leave you alone. I honestly don’t know how you can deal with this, I know if it was directed at me I would’ve either fallen deeper into CPTSD or gone offline entirely or both. I am glad you have the strength to continue though bc I think your perspective on many issues is difficult to find and deeply important to hear. I guess I don’t know what I mean with this message other than thank you for what you do and please do not let these awful people take you back into that horrible place that I think all survivors know. Your voice is so important and I hope to continue hearing it, you make change being outspoken. I know we can’t control being triggered and sometimes can’t regulate our responses but I hope that you can block these people and be as unbothered as is possible. Other survivors see you, I see you, I know we are in some ways the same and these people clearly cannot conceive of being in our position

it’s not right to put a survivor in this situation and constantly triggering their trauma no matter what you think about them.

i keep saying this but it just falls on deaf ears!

in terms of how i deal with this… ive said this before & was mocked for it but this has triggered my PTSD several times. i almost always end up having nightmares for weeks afterwards, more flashbacks, and perhaps a mental breakdown or two followed by a long period of dissociation. when i brought up how deeply hurtful it is and how much it triggers me, i end up getting mocked & accused of guilt tripping.

so basically, i’m not allowed to respond to assumptions made about my trauma bc it’s traumadumping. i’m not allowed to talk about the negative impact being harassed over my trauma by these ppl has bc it’s guilt tripping. they have the right to say vile things like saying i’m a “retired ho” (for having a trauma response like hypersexuality as a child and being sexually abused????) and saying that me reacting in a common way CSA victims react to rape a decade ago makes me bipolar or histrionic (love being called a hysterical slut for having a normal reaction to facing rape as my first sexual experience) but i have no right to correct these assumptions at all. it always ends up with several of them harassing me on & off anon, and other people just silently watching. once these ppl leave like they always inevitably do, then radblr starts talking about how horrible these ppl are & often will even harass me over these ppl’s presence as well! idk. it’s a constant lose-lose for me.

anyways… thank u for ur sweet msg ❤️ many other CSA survivours & rape survivours have reached out to me and told me that me talking about my story made them feel less crazy/alone bc they also have a similar story. many are lesbians who face an additional trauma & disgust & shame bc they see how trauma similar to their own is misconstrued & talked about. i’m glad at least that from this persistent harassment i’ve been experiencing for like 5 years now, women with similar stories reached out to me. it made me feel less alone and more understood. i try not to let all this stuff affect me & have been taking breaks online and/or talking to my gf whenever it does take a toll on me. it doesn’t fix it but it helps. some of it is unavoidable bc no matter how many anons i block, i keep getting msgs about it regardless and new blogs keep being made to discuss it

[coldvampire]

oh im gonna hsdgfjk

okay so three+ months ago i discovered I had a Fun Condition called perioral dermatitis. basically, just this Extraordinarily persistent face rash that looks like a bunch of small pustules in a circle around my mouth, but it also went around my nose and eyes. reacts to literally fucking Everything, deeply annoying to treat, even with antibiotics it takes weeks but usually months to clear. causes are ?? can be anything from inhaled steroids, face cream, toothpaste, hormones, etc. basically impossible to pinpoint. i have some guesses about what triggered it but ofc no real way to know for sure.

i go on 90 days of antibiotics. cool, whatever, condition dissipates but doesn't go away entirely. i think nothing of this bc I know even With oral antibiotics, it can still take months.

halfway through this treatment i develop arthritic symptoms. i also think nothing of this bc I have Some sort of illness undiagnosed anyway + family members have it so while I am definitely not happy w this development, I'm resigned.

i finish the pills.

less than 24 hours later, dermatitis has Returned. i know that allowing this to happen makes it worse and last longer. i cannot stress enough how bad it will be for my mental health if this happens. yes this probably sounds overly dramatic but I'm pretty sure watching my face flare up in any way is a legitimate trigger atp after dealing with cystic acne.

anyway. i book an appointment with my gp bc the pharmacist cannot refill the antibiotics. great except the appointment is at the End Of The Month, and I know this is going to be bad in a few days time. like, in the last few hours the inflammation has already accelerated, who knows how bad it'll be then, I'm assuming it'll be like I never even took the pills to start with. i am going to have a nervous breakdown.

mysteriously, the arthritis symptoms have Also started to decrease after stopping the antibiotics. that's weird, I think, that wasn't brought up in the list of side effects when I asked, but the timing is literally exactly when my face started flaring up so I know I definitely don't have those in my system anymore. i look this up, to see if there's a link.

'''acute polyarthritis''' also described as 'drug-induced lupus' are you Fucking Kidding Me

so i am now back as Square Fucking one for this shit, my skin is about to be so goddamn inflamed & I apparently can't even take the drug that was working to clear it up. because it causes inflammation in my joints.

and like i cant really express properly how mad this makes me lmfao because of Course. i spend a solid year on Accutane finally after being deterred for nearly a decade, i get maybe 4 months of enjoying my skin after I'm off of it and then This Shit. can i win?? can i Fucking win??????? no one else in my genepool seems to deal with this shit its just me and ohhh my god i am This close to walking straight into the ocean.

[olgunia]

also... i feel like writing it down and getting it out of my system but... i mean... i told my boyfriend and two best friends... and my new therapist. . .. (i'm finally getting help!!! and it turned out that i was right!! it is that i have been suffering from utmattningssyndrom [exhaustion disorder] for the past 2 years! and also! finally i accept the fact that i have been suffering from it and i feel less of an impostor and also!! for the past 3 months i have been recovering and feeling better and better with every week, i wanted to cry last week when i was able to cycle! every day!! it was impossible even a month ago, i felt so humiliated with how little energy i had all the time.. usch, don't wish that shit on anyone) said that we're gonna Look Into It.. TBC

ok but yes, the thing is that 3 months ago one thought struck me and that is that i may be autistic.. at first i did cry bc i felt overwhelmed and scared because i have this imagine in my head of prejudice and lack of understanding what autism really is and that people on SM are trying to be quirky or special or whatever, i don't even know! it just felt so overwhelming.. but after that i had conducted more research that has been ongoing and.. i think apart from the fact that i just feel like i'm an impostor and that if i would say it out loud - other people will think that i'm 'making it up' (hehe that hasn't happened and those 3 close ppl are supportive BUT!!!) ---- apart from that.. the more i read and think - it just becomes more apparent that i am on the spectrum! and once again it feels like a lot but on the other hand it would explain so many things!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! some silly things like me having to ask people if they're joking bc i really can't tell lol, same with irony, to not getting if someone is flirting with me, to people believing i'm being flirty while i'm just interested and excited about the topic and want to be nice lol, me losing my fucking everything and exploding internally while having to go for e.g. on tour - no matter how much i like someone - to be in the same space [car/venue/sleeping place] and to not have enough 'alone time' is just! i just fucking cant! mental breakdowns every 2nd day! i hate spending too much time with people (that doesn't apply to my boyfriend though but till exempel to my family/friends) in the same space! ----- and i mean... i have been diagnosed with ocd and social phobia while being a teenager but there were some things that have been.. puzzling me and now! it feels like i found the missing puzzle! and it feels both good and weird

and other things like being naive, an open book, shitload of thoughts, feeling intense feelings towards stuff - loving/hating, having hard time with 'not exploding' and att hantera emotions, seeing 'patterns', these whole stemming thing- whenever i listen to music that i love it's just.. i just cant NOT move fingers or hands or legs, getting stuck with some sayings/catchphrases that change every now and then, i guess i also overshare stuff but hard to tell hehe, always trying to learn how to navigate small talks and talking and social things, being called blunt, believing that i lack empathy because i just.. i cant imagine how it is to 'put myself in someone's shoes', loving 'shitposting' or wordplay bc they're either absurd and therefore funny or just easy to understand hehe, planning things, not being able to summarize things, doing lots of lists, i just f-ing love to research, getting sucked into things and having a very hard time to get out but also having a hard time to start doing shit and more things bla bl albla lbllalalal.. . .. writing it down so i can have it for future purposes

but yes.. it's scary but good i guess to realise that? Smiley Emoji

[goth-oatmilk-latte]

i like how i messaged both of my managers at almost 1am yesterday while i was walking home to tell them i had severe personal issues to handle and a car thats not drivable currently but will be, hence needing the day to fix it.

manager 1 checked to see if i was actually okay, what all i needed, etc. told me she would get stuff sorted at work and for me to just focus on myself this weekend and get my shit handled bc that was more important anyway. shes aware i have bpd and helped me a week or two ago when i had a depressive breakdown at work.

manager 2??? mf CALLS ME pissed off bc he has to come back a whole day early from his week and a half off he didn't tell us about and hes pissed off hes alone there today handling everything, AS IF FIRST OF ALL, I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE ALONE ALL DAY TODAY SO LIKE BOOHOO MOTHERFUCKER???? WHEN YALL DO ME LIKE THAT IT'S FINE BUT HOW DARE I, RIGHT???? and then also basically interrogated me on why i cant come in, why my car cant be driven, why did i need the whole day, etc. didnt ask how i was, didnt ask if i needed anything. and i wasnt lying, and havent. i told him where it happened, what time, where i was coming from, etc. buddy i am just as pissed off as you my car is currently fucked. but like damn dude knows i have bpd also, and understands it bc his wife has it too, like once again a case of other ppp can be mentally ill and have crippling episodes, but when i do it, it's a problem.

and it isnt like ive also been saying im burnt out as all fuck too so are we surprised i had a severe episode over this??? it isnt that wild. i truly dont understand why im at such a high level of scrutiny from him, i basically try to stay out of his way.

[crvvys]

back in London, flying out tomorrow and headed back home. i feel very weird about it. bc the past two weeks, I’ve wanted to go home bc of the stress of school and missing my family and I still want to go home but now I’m thinking about what person am I going to be when I go back. bc the last time i fucked off to another continent for three months and came back, I was extremely different…depressed but also a much more open minded person.

and I feel that way now but also I feel somewhat proud of myself. I’ve read like 12 books since I’ve been here, I traveled all around the UK by myself and whatever mental breakdowns I had, I put myself back together. I went to a chef’s academy and made it through and likely passed my exams. I met all of these cool people that I’m actually really going to miss. and I’m going to miss London 😔 I can’t wait to come back here honestly but I’m also interested in how the way I am here will translate over when I go home. I’m still awkward and paranoid and irritable…but I feel smarter, I feel more capable and I feel a bit more grown up. in some areas of my life anyway. I want to be kinder I think. that’s what I took from being in Asia and being in Europe this time around, to just be kinder and genuine. I become less angry when I leave the US and I go back and become angry again lol.

also had 9 cocktails and a cider when I was out celebrating last night and I woke up fine so that’s a nice way to end this chapter. I hope to bring back a ton of British slang and mannerisms and the openness that I was around while I was here.

people were very open and kind and I thought wow I need to fight the urge to be rude and paranoid lol. it’s that British politeness but even then a lot of it was just kindness bc some Brits are blunt but still helpful lol. it’s something I need to take back with me for sure.

what a wild 3 months! I planned this like a year ago and it came together and I’m so glad I got to experience this. I need to build my money back up so I can come back next year lol. god I’m gonna miss this place.

[supernovaa-remnant]

ashjdfakd immortal stella just so you can maybe someday space travel. i fully support you.

ahhh the end of the movie, yes. truly hits because like what the fuck??? the thought of being alone out there, thinking you're the only one left??? and i mean we as the audience know that someone's on their way to her but she doesn't and it's somehow so hopeful but so devastating at the same time??? like ending the movie with that truly was an absolute genius decision.

honestly, you're doing better than me lol i panic if i think about what i'm going to do, like, next week. if i'd start having existential thoughts at the wrong time i would probably have a mental breakdown. though i do love to talk about it at the right moments (like now :D)

but yeah i agree. sometimes just existing is enough. especially as i got older, i never really liked the question of what i want to do with my life or what my goal is or something because for me the answer always just was 'to be happy'. i just want to exist the way i want to, enjoy the things i like, spend time with people i love. like, some of my favorite memories are just lying in a pile with my friends while we watch some movie. there doesn't have to be a big goal or meaning to everything, especially not a human life that is so small in the scale of things.

i think it ties in with what you said, "your light is never really truly gone". we as people touch so much around us, be it the places we go to or other humans around us. like, i'm still in some way influenced by what my ancestors did a hundred years ago, be it positive or negative. we all connect with things and people on our way of just existing, just living. and some small, insignificant thing we decide today can leave traces for years to come.

ajksdhslkjdskjsls thank you sky for supporting my immortality agenda <3 one day 190237293729 years from now I'll discover a new element or law of physics or smth and I'll name it after you <3

aughhhhh the end of the movie pulled my heart out of my chest and stomped all over it /pos. I think that having a strong ending is really important for a story because, even if the entire story is really good, the ending is going to be what sticks with people the most (bc recency bias), so ending strong is really important. and the ending of interstellar was just aisdugshijdgisygudhijsohdsiuj 1000000/10 amazing wonderful breathtaking perfect execution. and you're so right in saying that it's both so hopeful yet so devastating at the same time.

I'm pretty sure my brain chemistry was permanently re-written after watching interstellar tbh.

existentialism can very easily be either really good or really bad for me 😭 like, it completely depends. I always try to spin it in a bit of a more positive light though. doesn't always work, but I try nonetheless.

"to be happy" being the answer to goals in life is so real. like, I'm not entirely sure what I want my future to look like, but what I do know is that I want to be happy.

if I think to much about the impacts we have on other people's lives I'll cry, I think. like, it's all just ripples, but those ripples spread out and touch people even if they're not in our lives anymore. and I think about my ancestors and I wonder if they liked similar things to what I like and if they smiled at the same things or laughed at the same jokes and aosduhsidgusiduisgdhkasldlh

and there's people I don't talk to right now and there's people I'm growing apart from, but the impacts they've had on my life are still so noticeable and the same can be said about them in regards to me, and it's so <3

I think people focus on the idea of legacy a lot (which, understandable, I do too, and I always cry thinking about humanity's innate urge to leave a mark, to leave something to say "I was here, I existed"), but it's also important to remember the short term things. Sometimes things don't last, sometimes they don't even last very long, but they still have value, y'know? Maybe, not all relationships need to last a lifetime. Maybe sometimes it's enough to have had fun with them whilst it lasted and be left with a new favorite coffee order.

Anyway, stepping away from these big emotional philosophical existential thoughts before I start crying irl lmao..

we've been talking about interstellar a lot (because it's an amazing movie and I love it so so so much), but are there any other sci-fi stories you like?