#n o t h i n g i do works. every treatment every attempt it doesnt matter

[coldvampire]

oh im gonna hsdgfjk

okay so three+ months ago i discovered I had a Fun Condition called perioral dermatitis. basically, just this Extraordinarily persistent face rash that looks like a bunch of small pustules in a circle around my mouth, but it also went around my nose and eyes. reacts to literally fucking Everything, deeply annoying to treat, even with antibiotics it takes weeks but usually months to clear. causes are ?? can be anything from inhaled steroids, face cream, toothpaste, hormones, etc. basically impossible to pinpoint. i have some guesses about what triggered it but ofc no real way to know for sure.

i go on 90 days of antibiotics. cool, whatever, condition dissipates but doesn't go away entirely. i think nothing of this bc I know even With oral antibiotics, it can still take months.

halfway through this treatment i develop arthritic symptoms. i also think nothing of this bc I have Some sort of illness undiagnosed anyway + family members have it so while I am definitely not happy w this development, I'm resigned.

i finish the pills.

less than 24 hours later, dermatitis has Returned. i know that allowing this to happen makes it worse and last longer. i cannot stress enough how bad it will be for my mental health if this happens. yes this probably sounds overly dramatic but I'm pretty sure watching my face flare up in any way is a legitimate trigger atp after dealing with cystic acne.

anyway. i book an appointment with my gp bc the pharmacist cannot refill the antibiotics. great except the appointment is at the End Of The Month, and I know this is going to be bad in a few days time. like, in the last few hours the inflammation has already accelerated, who knows how bad it'll be then, I'm assuming it'll be like I never even took the pills to start with. i am going to have a nervous breakdown.

mysteriously, the arthritis symptoms have Also started to decrease after stopping the antibiotics. that's weird, I think, that wasn't brought up in the list of side effects when I asked, but the timing is literally exactly when my face started flaring up so I know I definitely don't have those in my system anymore. i look this up, to see if there's a link.

'''acute polyarthritis''' also described as 'drug-induced lupus' are you Fucking Kidding Me

so i am now back as Square Fucking one for this shit, my skin is about to be so goddamn inflamed & I apparently can't even take the drug that was working to clear it up. because it causes inflammation in my joints.

and like i cant really express properly how mad this makes me lmfao because of Course. i spend a solid year on Accutane finally after being deterred for nearly a decade, i get maybe 4 months of enjoying my skin after I'm off of it and then This Shit. can i win?? can i Fucking win??????? no one else in my genepool seems to deal with this shit its just me and ohhh my god i am This close to walking straight into the ocean.

[citrusrick]

Admit It ————————————— (Rick Sanchez x Reader OneShot)

You were sitting at your desk, fixated on your computer screen where you were working on your thesis. Tapping your pencil against your lips, you sighed. You were so ready for the end of the semester.

Suddenly, you felt a hand on your shoulder. “Holy shit!” You turned to see Rick standing over you.

“Heyo! Ch-ch-chill out! I-I-It’s just me!” He laughed, holding up his hands in mock surrender.

You rolled your eyes, “Rick! Why the fuck did you sneak up on me like that?!”

He started to pull on your arm, “I-I-I don’t have time to explain. Just c-c-come on!”

“No! I’m busy, Rick!” You pulled out of his grasp and turned back around in your chair. “Take Morty with you.”

“He’s at dumbass school or wh-whatever per our agreement with Beth.” He grumbled. “So-so y-you’re the lucky one who g-gets to come with me! Wh-whatever you’re doing can w-w-wait.” He grabbed at my arm again.

You shoved him off again, “Stop it! You don’t get to decide what’s important in my life and what’s not! Go away, please.”

“F-F-Fucking fine! B-B-But once I leave here sweetie, I-I’m never coming to see you again, th-th-that’s for f-fucking sure!” He shot a portal into your floor. “Ungrateful b-bitch! I’m Rick fucking Sanchez trying to-to-to take y-you on a intergalactic s-s-space adven-adventure!”

You groaned, laying your head on your keyboard. “Fucking goodbye then! Jesus, you sure do go on and on about never seeing me again every time I tell you no, but you always end up coming back over here, so see you later!”

“Fuck you.” He flipped you off and jumped through the portal.

You laughed, turning back to your work. What a fucking child. Though, you only got to type out a couple words before you and your chair fell through the floor.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

“Shit!” You said as you landed in Rick’s ship. Your ass slammed hard into your chair that had fallen with you and you groaned. “What the fuck is wrong with you, asshole?!”

Rick just laughed at you as he flew out of the driveway.

“Where are we going?” You said tiredly as you moved your chair to the back and sat in the passenger seat, being mindful of your hurt tailbone.

“Y-You know, I-I-I love h-h—how you just accept that I-I’m going to get what I want, which m-m-means you coming with me-me whenever I f-feel like it.” He grinned at you.

“Fuck off, Rick.”

“C-C-C’mon, (Y/N), you-you fucking l-l-love me, b-b-baby.”

“I said fuck off. I may be accepting that I’m going, but I’m not going to entertain you.”

He rolled his eyes, “Oh, come-come on! J-Just admit it, sweetie!”

“No, I do not love you, Rick. You just happen to be my neighbor who happens to be a genius space traveler who happens to like me enough to bring me along sometimes. Yay for me.” You stared out the window, maintaining your pissed-off attitude.

He slammed on the breaks suddenly, sending you lurching forward. You pretended you didn’t notice and continued staring out the window.

He grabbed your shoulder, attempting to turn you towards him. “Hey!” He then grabbed your jaw and made you look at him. You stared nonchalantly. “H-Hey! Fucking no one t-t-talks to me like that, bitch! I-I—I am a genius and a g-g-god who sh-shouldn’t even give you the time of day!”

“Then don’t, please.” You were honestly trying so hard to keep from smiling. You loved pushing his buttons and pissing him off by acting like you didn’t care.

“Y-Y-You’re such a fucking cunt ass bitch! Th-the only reason I even sp-spend any time with you is b-because you h-have decent tits and no-no fucking b-b-b-brain to pro-protest my i-ideas!”

He was just spiraling and talking nonsense to try to get you to react. It was his favorite thing to get a rise out of you.

“O-Okay, I s-s-see how it i-is. S-Silent treatment. F-Fine. Wh-whatever. I-I-I-I don’t want to h-hear anything out-out-out of your m-mouth any-anyways.”

You knew you had succeeded in pissing him off by how much he was stuttering.

The two of you sat in silence for a while. You turned to look at him after a bit to see him staring at you. You stared back.

Suddenly, he moved closer, putting one hand on your hip and one on your cheek. “What-” He cut you off with a deep kiss.

“WHAT THE FUCK!”

“Hahaha! I fucking win, bitch! L-L-Let’s go have some fun!”

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Here’s a fun little one-shot that I just typed out! It’s definitely not great, I didn’t proofread this at all lol. I have been in a horrible state of writers block for months now. Hopefully by writing one-shots I can get inspired for my chapter fic! I hope you all enjoyed! Thank you for reading!

[formenis]

Sfw alphabet with L Lawliet

A/N: I love these things

pairing: L x reader

warnings: none

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Very affectionate but not in public. He thinks these kind of displays were only for him to see and appreciate: pecks on the cheeks, soft hugs and loving words whispered in their ears. Especially the hugs, he loves them.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

He would be a wise and protective best friend. L is always there to comfort you, he would give you the best advice or just listen to you when you need to pour out your emotions.

   Friends since the Wammy’s House: if you were a kid raised in Mr. Wammy’s orphanage, L would start talk and play with you because you were as cunning as him, something he really appreciate in other people.

   Friends during work hours: L would hire you during one of his difficult cases. You were quite famous in the police department because of your peculiar method during the investigations. At first he appreciated your approach to work but as time passed your entire being caught his attention.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

As we said before, L loves cuddles and displays of affection in private. In particular, he likes them most after a long day at work (or after solving a complex case). He just loves the feeling of your soft and warm body against his, your hearthbeat would make him fall asleep in few minutes.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

If it wasn’t for his work, he would settle down for sure especially with you. He loves having you around him, you gave him a sense of calmness and peace. About the domestic chores, we know that Watari does them. However, for your birthday or your anniversary, he would try to cook something special for you (only to criticize the recipe later if he fails).

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

If you break up with him, he would be devastated, of course. He would work twice or three time harder than before just not to think about you or your ended relationship.

If L breaks up with you, he would be sad anyway. He really loves you, despite the emotionless attitude he shows everyday, but his work is too dangerous for you and he would feel guilty if something happens to you because of him.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

Before proposing you, he had to be sure you’re the right person for him. He would marry you after three or four years of relationship just to be sure that you could handle his lifestyle and work. When he is completely sure, he would organise a special dinner just the two of you with your favourite dishes and music.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Extremely gentle both with hands and with words. His touch will be always soft on your skin maybe afraid to break you. And his words would be as much gentle; even during occasional fights, he will not raise his voice, insult you or hit you. Never.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

Give this man as much hugs as possible! They’re his soft spot! The feeling of your arms around him, the soft heartbeat against his skin and your parfume...he would live his entire life in your arms.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

After a long logical and complex reasoning (useless with love), he concluded that what he felt inside him was love. However, before saying the L-word he had to be 100% sure you feel the same. Nonetheless, he would say things like “You mesmerize me” or “You make me feel alive”.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

He is not the jealous type. Well, not much. He trusts you, a lot, so he had no reason to be jealous if a friend of yours is more outgoing than usual. But if we are talking about Light Yagami...oh, keep that mass murderer away from you.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

His kisses would be passionate and full of love. Since he is not used to these affections he would give big importance to simple things like a peck on your cheek.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He loves children and they love him too. He has some sort of charm that attracts children around him (and he loves being surrounded by kids).

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

He is insomniac so he rarely sleeps with his s/o. However, when he notices your sad mood before bed time he would gladly stop working to snuggle with you until you fall asleep. The next morning he would be the first to wake up and would spend hours just watching your peaciful sleeping features.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Much like mornings, he usually works at night. His s/o had to be very persistent (and convincing) if they want to spend the night with L. If they succed, L would tell stories about his past cases or random tales just to fall asleep together (you never know the ending because of it!).

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

L is probably the most secretive person in the world. Of course he would wait to reveal things to you (especially if you work with him). He had to be careful because his position as the gretest detective in the world would attract unwanted people. Only after a really long time he will realise you don’t represent a threat to him.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He is as secretive as patient. He doesn’t express anger as the others do like raising the voice, shouting or breaking things. If he is angry he would use sharp words, sarcasm and, as extreme mesure, would use the silent treatment. However, it’s rare (especially with you).

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

L is an observant person. His never-ending stares would be annoying for people but for him it’s something that helps him understanding them. With you in paricular, L would even remember what you wore when you introduced yourself at him or (if you were friends since the Wammy’s House) your favourite toy.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Cooking time. He loves seeing you covered in flour in a desperate attempt to cook his favourite cake. Or when he has dough all over his white shirt when you caught him cooking your favourite dessert. Both of you would burst out laughing.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

This tiny Lawllipop wants his s/o being protected 24/7. Not in an oppressive way, of course, but your safety is very important to him (especially during the Kira case). He would ask you to stay with him as much as you could, to avoid going out by your own (at least stay with Watari) and to use disguise in public.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Knowing how important datas are in a relationship, L remembers everything. But not because he has to please his s/o but because those moments were important to him so he wants to appreciate each goal he reached with his s/o. Dates were his forte, he knows how to amaze you.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

The lack of sleep and the constant sweet based diet. With the first one you managed to find a solution (and his eyebag were not that evident like before thanks to you) but you don’t know what to do with his diet. Luckily Watari promised you he will cook healthy meal for him.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

L concerned with his looks? Nah. He really doesn’t care about his physical aspect or his wardrobe. And his s/o knows it very well because you will love him regardless.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Definitely, especially if you two break up. If he spends too much time without you he couldn’t be as efficient as before and his thoughts will drift from the case to you.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

He loves hearing you sing in the shower. It doesn’t matter if you’re in tune or not, he would stay outside the bathroom door just hearing you sing your favourite songs.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

When people say stupid or obvious things. He just couldn’t stand being surrounded by those annoying people (hopefully you’re not like that).

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Sleep habit and “L” in the same sentence? That’s strange. Before you, he didn’t have a real sleep schedule: after something like 103 hours of work he would sleep only 17 hours (and according to Watari “he didn’t sleep much”). But when you entered his life he would definitively sleep like a normal being.

[shenanigans-and-imagines]

NSFW (whole alphabet) for Maul?

A/N: PLEASE REMEMBER TO COMMENT AND REBLOG IF YOU LIKE THIS! HEADCANONS NEED LOVE TOO YOU KNOW! (Also the tags are not working because they hate me)

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

He’s gentle, shockingly so. No matter how rough or intense, his entire demeanor shifts.  He treats you like glass; caressing your skin, cleaning your mess, and reveling in the lingering warmth. He becomes one clingy bitch is what I’m getting at here. 

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He loves your throat.  He loves how you leave it so open to him, to kiss or bite or squeeze as he wishes.  It’s a sign of trust, not to mention it leads down to your chests and all the other soft parts attached. (He’s a boob man, that’s all I’m saying)

As for himself, he likes his hands. They still hold his true strength. They can still wield the force to his will; to destroy his enemies or to place a gentle touch to your cheek.  He’s amazed that you can allow him to touch you after how much his hands have done. 

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

He makes a mess whenever you fuck.  He likes to cum on you; on your tits, stomach, back, face, anywhere.  But he really loves cumming inside you and watching it drip from your sex.  Even if he can’t give you children, the idea of burying his seed in you is an instinct he can’t shake.  Would love nothing more than to keep his cock inside you and fill you again and again with him cum until it spills out on the bed.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

There are times he purposefully makes you angry because he knows how you’ll punish him later.  He’s not sure if you’ve caught on or not, but either way you play into his scheme perfectly.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Not very before you.  He was taken by Sidious at a very young age; as a Sith he was trained to forgo attachments and obey his master at every turn.  Sidious would not allow his apprentice any chance to form a connection with another aside from taking him back to Dathomir to fulfill a coming of age ritual where he was taken by a Night Sister.  After that, nothing. 

But, for what he lacks in experience, he makes up for in his willingness to learn.  He asks what you want, what you like.  He feels your reactions through the force and demonstrates a control you hadn’t found in previous lovers.  He can be patient when it counts.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

He loves it when you’re both kneeling, with you straddling his waist a he thrusts up into you.  He’s able to reach deep inside you while allowing either of you to gain control as you wish it.  Not to mention easy access to your throat and breasts as he clings to you. 

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Maul is 99.9% of the time completely serious during sex.  Either his focus is entire on your pleasure or you’ve given him permission to work out his frustrations using your body.  The only time he’d crack a joke is if he’s feels particularly smug about the way he’s making you feels and wants to tease you.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

No hair down below, because, well...he doesn’t really have a natural below.  I doubt Mother Talzin added hair just for the fun of it.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

As I said before Maul has two modes; I need to fuck away my feelings OR you are the most important thing in the galaxy let me show you why.  When he’s in mode two, he’s the most intimate and romantic partner you can ask for, almost desperate in his attempt to show you how you make him feel.  If it’s option one, you’ll have to wait until after the sex to get the same treatment.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

Pre-Naboo, he kept it on the down low.  He could only allow himself a moment’s release when his master wasn’t around.  And even then, it was only when he was particularly stressed or angry.  It was done quickly with no real thought of pleasure, just some kind of release if he couldn’t do it through violence.

After Naboo, it’s not really something he does because well...there’s not much down there for a good long while and after he gets some of his...parts back, he meets you.  With you, he doesn’t feel as compelled to use his hands.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Breeding kink.  He can’t give you children, obviously, but there’s an almost instinct there.  Just another thing Kenobi took away form him.

Also, not sure if it’s a kink, but he’s an absolute switch.  One minute he’s squeezing your neck while using you as his personal cum bucket.  The next, he’s tied to the bed begging and promising you the galaxy if you just let him cum.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

He’s a bit of an exhibitionist. As much as he wants to be the only one to see you naked and writhing underneath him, there’s something about fucking you on the throne of Mandalor that sends a thrill up his spine.  Anyone can walk in and know that he’s the one making you feel this way.  He has the power to fuck you in front of the whole of Death Watch if he wanted to and none of them could touch you.  They would know you were his and as their leader they would not dare oppose him.

So, in terms of most common place, your bedroom.  In terms of most thrilling place, the throne room, followed by the war room, and then the training room.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

You getting angry is the hottest thing in the galaxy to him.  If you direct that anger into destroying your enemies in combat, even better.  He’ll take you the second you’re alone in the ship.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Roleplaying.  It’s you and him, that’s it.  He doesn’t want or need to “spice things up”.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He prefers giving.  He loves your taste and how easily he can get you to cum with just his tongue.  He can feel your pleasure through the force which only drives his further.  Granted he needs to be mindful of where his horns are when you clamp him head between your thighs but that’s neither here nor there.

He’ll certainly accept you going down on him, but he knows it’s not as pleasurable for you to have a metal cock in your mouth no matter how good it feels for him.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

He can be slow an sensual, but it almost always devolves into rough desperation.  He’s a man of wild passions and it shows in the marks on your thighs the next morning.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

You’re almost always the one to initiate them.  He says he can wait until the evening, but he’s often left working well into the night and forgets.  You take it upon yourself to strive into his office and tell him you need a good fuck.  That will get him away from the paper work long enough to leave your legs shaking and his mind a little more clear.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He’s willing to try something you propose so long as you discuss it properly before hand.  He wants to make sure you’re safe before trying anything.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

It’s absolutely insane how high his stamina is.  For one, he’s got a mechanical cock that doesn’t actually get soft even after he cums.  Second, his reliance on the force allows him to recoup faster than normal.  He can go for an many rounds as you can stand for as long as you want.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

That will be a negative.  He doesn’t have any toys and the idea of you having a toy when all you have to do is ask he finds more than a little insulting.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He always does it when he’s trying to win an argument or make a point, and it’s infuriating.  He likes hearing you beg or admit he was right all while he teases you clit with the promise of more.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Maul gets loud.  It’s almost a defiance.  His master would not allow him anything like this singular happiness with another being and now he’s taking it at his own pleasure.  He screams and growls and moans and begs and every other noise in the book.  He wants people to hear.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Maul wants to have kids with you, and that fact that he can’t really aches at him.  He wants something that is truly his own; a legacy outside of the Sith, a final defiance to the master who abandoned him.  They would be the best of both of you and unparalleled in their power.  Nothing would stand in their way.  He can see it in his minds eye every time you fall asleep in his arms.  But, it can never be.  If Mother Talzin had figured out a way to make life without the need of Zabrak men, he wouldn’t have been a Night Brother in the first place.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

Like I’ve said, Maul’s entire lower half is mechanical, including his cock.  Mother Talzin made him one which retracts back in when he’s not aroused.  It’s shaped like a Zabrak male: three ridges, each wider than the last giving him good length and girth (look up Nova: Bad Dragon). It also gives him pleasure, which is better than a dilo and excretes a synthetic cum when he climaxes.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

It’s not so much a sex drive as a yearning for you.  There are times he just wants you, to hold you close, to bury himself inside you and forget anything exists outside of you.  It’s in flux, but it’s certainly higher than most men you’ve known.  You’re having sex at least every other night if not more.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He doesn’t dare fall asleep until you do.  He likes the feeling of your body relaxing beside his as you drift off. He likes knowing you trust him to keep you safe, even in sleep.  Only when he knows there’s nothing lurking in the dark to take you away does he finally fall asleep.

[rivetwrites]

kaito fluff alphabet maybe? apologies if you already did it lol

//of course i can!! this is also for the other anon who asked!!

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Kaito Momota Fluff Alphabet

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Kaito loves going outside with you after sundown to look at the stars! He can go on and on about which star is which, when the solar system was created, when the sun will explode! If you get too cold, he would wrap you in his jacket and carry you inside to watch some space documentaries! He really loves showing his passion with you, and hopefully you can learn stuff from him!

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

He’s a very stubborn and boisterous guy, so patience is a virtue. You’ll also have to be stubborn as well, making him shut up for once before he talks off his head. On you, he loves your eyes! He loves looking at them under the starlight whenever you two go outside during the night.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Kaito is horrible with comforting. He feels like a good workout with your friends is a good way to get rid of your bad feelings! Sometimes he’ll have to be reminded that it doesn’t work like that, and he’ll start to get serious. He’d bring you candy and sugary drinks, bringing you to his chest as he lets you talk it out. 

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

He has many dreams for the future! He would like to have a family too, but after he’s gone to space and have a stable job, of course. He wants to be able to provide for you and the family!

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Definitely the dominant one, he’s the man of the house! ....Until you tell him that you and him should have equal parts in the relationship, then he’ll begrudgingly accept. He’s never been in a proper relationship before, so the two of you together will learn new experiences! 

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Kaito is very carefree, and would sometimes never see if you’re upset or not. He’s optimistic, so whenever he makes you upset, he’ll see it as you getting fired up for workouts! When that’s not the case, he’ll get embarrassed and apologize to you. Whenever you make him upset, he’s very stubborn and would give you the silent treatment. Until he’s not able to keep his mouth shut anymore, then he’ll accept your apology.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

He’s extremely grateful for you and how you’ve helped him and his friends! He’s more on the smooth brain side when it comes to noticing what you do for him, but a good reminder from Shuichi and a smack on the head from Maki, he’ll return the favour ten fold.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Insanely honest, and he never really hides anything from you. He’s an open guy and he trusts you! He’s not the very best at keeping heavy secrets, since he tends to overshare to his friends, but a good smack on the side of the head will knock some sense into him.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

You’ve probably helped him be able to cope with his emotions in a more healthy manner. He was taught that men shouldn’t cry or feel any sadness inside. That they should be “real men.” With you, he was able to be vulnerable and slowly lose the old fashioned way of thinking. You’ve probably learned how to be more positive and look at the more positive outlook on situations!

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Whenever he even spots someone even attempting to flirt with you, he gets defensive and aggressive. He’ll make sure that they know that you two are together, but if they persist, he’ll punch them in the face. You’d have to drag him off before he seriously hurts the person. Afterwards, he’d apologize for being so careless and say that he just doesn’t want to lose you.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

The first kiss with him would be slightly awkward. He’s tall and clumsy as he smashed his lips into yours. He’s not embarrassed by it though! “Don’t worry, we’ll have plenty of time to practice!”

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Usually, he would try to play off his feelings as “amazing friendship,” but Shuichi and Maki would have to tell him otherwise. At first, he wouldn’t want to be in a relationship, since he’s too busy trying to get into space, but the feelings would become too much for him. He’ll drag you off into somewhere private, trying to play it off as going to train, and confess to you. When you accept, he’ll have the biggest grin on his face, lifting you up to give you a big hug.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

He’d love to get married to you! He would pop the question while you two would be eating, or in the most random moment. The wedding will be pretty big, inviting his friends and family! He wants it to be the night to remember for the both of you.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

Anything space related! “My little star,” “sunshine,” or just “babe,” when he wants to be more classic.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Kaito would scoop you into his arms, carrying you back to bed as he wrapped the both of you into the blankets. He would confess (loudly) his love for you over and over again until you giggle. He won’t leave you alone for awhile, stealing kisses from you every now and again.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Kaito always has his arm around you in public, silently telling everyone around you that you’re not for the taking. Small cheek kisses would be often with him too! He’s not embarrassed at all! Sometimes he’ll gloat, as he feels like the luckiest guy in the world to be with you!

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

He’s very optimistic! He always finds the light in a bad situation, which sometimes can be annoying when you just want to complain, but he tries his best! He’s also very protective, so if anyone is ever hurting you, he’ll hurt him twice as bad!

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

He’s a bit of both. Sometimes he’ll be cliché and give you cheesy little dates, but usually, he wants excitement! His biggest dream date would be to take you to space with him! 

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Biggest supporter out there. If he can get into a college level test with a fake ID, he can do anything for you to reach your goals. He also has goals that he’s still working to, so he’ll help you with yours too!

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Definitely wants to try out new things with you! Everything happens spontaneous with him, so there’s never a routine with him. Sometimes you’ll need to slow him down, since he’s always so excited to do stuff with you.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

He doesn’t really understand your feelings that much, since he doesn’t really know how to healthily deal with his own. But if he even sees you the slightest bit of sad, he will scoop you into his arms and do his best to try to make you laugh!

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

He’ll say it until the end of time, that you mean more to him than space itself! He makes sure that you know that he loves you everyday.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

You and Kaito watch documentaries a lot, which they’re mostly about space. He’ll talk and talk into detail about what’s going on. Usually you’d fall asleep, since he can go on and on. When he notices, he turns off the TV, wrapping you in a blanket and carry you to bed, pressing a kiss to your forehead. 

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

He loves kissing and cuddling you any chance he gets! He always has his hands on you, no matter where you two are. His favourite is having you lay on his chest as you two lay on the couch and watch TV!

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Usually being with his friends or working out will help him forget about you being gone, but Shuichi and Maki would be extremely annoyed, since he would never shut up about you. Once you return, he’d scoop you up into his arms, peppering you face in small kisses as he confesses how much he missed you.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

If he was able to get a fake ID just to take a college test about astronomy, you damn well know he’ll go all out for you.

[09yards]

3 - maybe we’ll be better off, perhaps we’re not meant for this universe (days gone by NCT)

Days Gone By masterlist | main masterlist

2nd of august [continued]

5 new messages

(1 new message) Hyuckie – happy birthday, I guess! See you tonight, can’t wait! 😊

(1 new message) Injunnie – do I really still have to wish you happy birthday after all these years? Is it not just a given smh

(1 new message) Jaehyun – happy birthday lil guy! See you tonight!!! Doyoung and I are very excited to see you!!

(1 new message) Lucas – yo, happy birthday dude! 8pm tonight right?

(1 new message) Jaemin – sending you birthday love! Catch you later 😊

TO Lucas (11:38 am) yep! See you tonight, ‘fashionably’ late as always right bro?

God did mark hate calling people bro.

TO Jaehyun (11:43 am) I’m really not little, how long are you going to keep this up for? Actually, don’t answer that, I’ll see you and Doyoung tonight.

TO Injunnie (11:45 am) wow, I love this kind of treatment on my birthday, so kind of you.

FROM Injunnie (11:47 am) We’ve known each other, what fifteen years? I think we get the idea now, do we not?

In other news, considering I don’t really care about your birthday right now, do you happen to know what’s up with Jaemin? He hasn’t messaged me in three days, the last time we spoke he couldn’t end the conversation any quicker.

Oh my god! The audacity! How dare he not message you?

Your sarcasm is not appreciated nor is it necessary right now. Usually I can’t get him to stop talking to me, I’m a tad scared.

You don’t think he’s going to break up with me, do you?

Oh my god!

Mark what if he breaks up with me? Like are we even together? We aren’t together so he doesn’t even have to break up with me.

You don’t think it’s to do with that new girl Yuna do you? He was the one who gave her tours!!

He said he was gay but maybe he’s not, maybe he feels like he got the wrong soulmate! He used to date girls, what if he lied to protect my feelings. That’s cute but messed up.

Jesus fucking Christ Injun, he’s not ending anything you're soulmates, he loves you.

and yes he did date girls but I had to listen to him drunkenly tell us he's 'strictly dick now' at Jaehyun's birthday - how did you not know?

I’m sure he’s just busy

He messaged me earlier, he said he was coming tonight, just look hot as usual and problem solved.

S T O P  B E I N G  A  P A N I C K E D  G A Y

And you better not be practicing your break up speech.

Okay, okay

Sorry – panic over. I’m good, we’re fine!

Let’s get back to you!

(1 new message) Hyuckie – Heejin is going to be there tonight, right? You need to help me pick an outfit; I need to look H o t - specifically with a capital H *cry*

Good because shit, Hyuck just messaged me asking what to wear tonight so he looks hot as Heejin is going to be there.

It’s my birthday why can’t he look hot for me and not for Heejin smh

Hold up,

Wait just a second here,

You’re now 18.

Really? No shit sherlock, I had no idea today was my eighteenth birthday

I can’t believe I didn’t think of it sooner!

D-did you get your soulmate mark yet?

Not you too

And did you seriously just stutter over text?

Yes, I did Mark, this is serious business, you have your soulmate mark don’t you?

Oof look at the time, I better run. Hyuck needs my help!

Mark

Mark Lee

You did not-

You really did huh

I guess I’ll see you later, happy birthday I guess

It was safe to say Mark had well and truly panicked. Renjun may be his best friend and what are best friends for if they don’t tease you to no end about your soulmate mark. Mark did exactly that when Renjun got his early after Jaemin’s confession at their schools annual end of year dance. Mark, Hyuck, Renjun and Jaemin had all gone together – bro’s come first and all – and while a slow song came on, Mark and Hyuck had made it outside just in time to not get roped into the dance floor, the other two hadn’t been so lucky… or maybe they had. Mark and Haechan couldn’t quite believe that after four months of the two of them trying to set their other best friends up, it took one dance, some fresh suits (they’d grown out of the old ones) and Jaemin’s freshly pink hair and Renjun’s freshly blond locks and newfound love for his glasses for the two to finally admit their feelings.

- - - - -

15th of June - end of year dance

“I cannot believe Mark and Haechannie left us here. How come crazy maths lady didn’t catch them sneaking out the back!”

“Uhm… I don’t know Jaemin, they just got lucky I guess.” Renjun was distracted, he’d wanted to be left alone with the other when he was ready, not when he risked blurting his crush as they may have only had very little alcohol courtesy of Johnny and Jaehyun before the dance – ‘you can’t go to a mundane school dance without a little something, how else will you get the confidence to dance’.

“I’m sorry I don’t really know how to dance either. How do you want to do this – your hands around my neck?”

“O-okay, sure.” Renjun could feel his hands shaking as he raised his arms up and clasped his hands together at the base of Jaemin’s neck. They were so close, Renjun could only hear the metronome that was his heartbeat thudding against his ribs. He could see the glimmer in Jaemin’s eyes, he could see the sweat beads forming just below the flop of his hair on his forehead due to the god-forsaken heat of the school’s assembly hall. Renjun’s focus was only on him, the music being played by the band on the stage gradually drowned itself out until it was at the very back of his mind, Jaemin was right in front of him, he had Jaemin’s breath tickling his cheek every time they swayed slightly to the non-existent beat.

“You know, if I knew that this was all it took to get you this close and practically melting in my grip, I wouldn’t have missed out on any god-awful school slow dances. Injunnie calm down, I can practically hear your mind whirring, attempting to process this.”

“I’m sorry I stopped listening at melting.” The reason Injun had stopped listening was due to the presence of Jaemin’s hands lowering themselves further down onto the cusp of hips and it was rather hard to concentrate when the best friend you’d been harbouring a crush on for quite some time was talking about you becoming weak under their touch and this felt like all you’d ever dreamt of (besides winning the lottery and academic success etcetera). It was one-hundred percent true; he wasn’t even going to bother fighting Jaemin on it. Anyone who looked at them would be able to see the utter panicked mess he’d become. Hands fiddling with his rings, becoming increasingly clammy, hair matting slightly as his heartrate continued to speed up and he started to feel the sweat building up.

“Injunnie, you know I love you right?”

“Of course, I do, what are best friends for?”

“No, I mean I love love you. Like I want to kiss you and hold your hand and cuddle up on rainy days and binge-watch all the Harry Potter movies with you, even though I know the whole time you’re going to sit there and give me a running commentary on how the books are better than the films and that J.K. Rowling is a goddess.”

“Don’t we do that anyway? Aside from the kissing thing, you attempt to kiss me and I push you away. And, J.K. Rowling is a goddess.”

“Injun, I want to date you – I- I want to be your boyfriend.” Jaemin’s hands were gradually pulling away from their position on Renjun’s hips and he wasn’t quite ready to let him go yet. “Just say something please, something relevant… please. If you don’t want to do this we can just move on, go back to being the best of friends. You know, maybe we’ll be better off, perhaps we’re not meant to be a couple in this universe.”

“Jesus Christ Jaemin you really never stop talking when you’re supposed to, do you?”

It was Jaemin’s turn to blush now, Injun was never this forward.

“I’m sorry, what did you want to say? I can handle the rejection you know! Sure, I may just have to drown my sorrows in several litre tubs of ice cream but I’m sure I’ll get over it. I’m strong yeah- “

Jaemin was cut off with a very light peck to the corner of the mouth and that left him spluttering, unable to form a coherent sentence.

“Wow, that got you to stop talking didn’t it? The Na Jaemin, speechless right before my very own eyes.”

“S-shut up, I’m not blushing.”

“I never said you were, but you most definitely are.” Renjun leant closer, mouth hovering just over Jaemin’s ear, “But, don’t worry about it, I know I’m blushing too and I can’t wait to see every way I can make you blush.”

Jaemin deemed it far too inappropriate of a conversation for their assembly hall, it was one-hundred percent not okay for anyone to over hear them.

“D-do you want to get out of here? Jaehyun isn’t home and maybe we could talk about t-this.” Jaemin could feel himself blushing more as every word left his mouth. What happened to him being the confident one?

“Let’s go.” Renjun took his hand, almost (but not quite) dragging him out of the hall, confidence overtaking his rationality, the alcohol coursing through his bloodstream, to where Jaemin’s pride and joy sat – the car he’d inherited from his grandfather, a 1967 black ford mustang and Renjun wouldn’t lie, it made Jaemin all that more appealing.

The two’s plans to make it home hadn’t quite worked out that way. Leaning over the gear stick, confident Jaemin was back and ready to make Renjun blush just as much as he’d been doing beforehand.

Raising a hand to his jaw, “Maybe I could get a proper kiss now; without you pushing me away.” Renjun’s entire body was heating up, the others voice had dropped at least three octaves, sultry and quiet but deafening to his ears. All he could do was nod lightly, leaning into the feeling of Jaemin’s hand. It was soft and gentle, like Jaemin was scared to hurt him but quickly turned darker and deeper. Licking into one another’s mouths, light moans and whimpers, hands grasping at clothing. Before he knew it, Renjun was seated comfortably on Jaemin’s lap, back against the steering wheel, hands clutching his shoulders while the others were on his waist. Whimpers turned into groans, Renjun had managed to slip Jaemin’s jacket off and was now working his way through the buttons of his shirt, hands shaking too much and eyes closed as the two gasped for breath in between rough, passionate, desperate kisses.

“Injunnie, don’t take this the wrong way, but maybe we should slow down. We’re in my car, in the car park remember?”

Renjun continued with his work on Jaemin’s buttons and rocking his hips back and forth with zero regard to what he was doing to the other and blatantly ignoring what he’d said.

“Holy shit.” The smaller let out a not-so subtle gasp as he pulled away.

“I know, I’ve never enjoyed kissing so much but, we can’t get too carried away.”

“No Jaem shit, shit, shit! Look, oh my god, look at your fucking stomach.”

“What? I know I have abs, Jesus Christ Injun, you’re acting like you’ve never seen them before.”

“No, you bloody twat, I know you have abs, I’ve looked at said abs many, many times, I’m talking about that.” Jaemin whelped at the sensation of Renjun jabbing just below his ribcage, finally noticing what Renjun was talking about – their make out session now long forgotten.

“Well, you’re the only person I’ve confessed to and been reciprocated and that definitely wasn’t there when I got out the shower about three hours ago so, um, congratulations? I guess we’re soulmates. But seriously I’m going to need an explanation about this.” Gesturing at the words pressed into his skin, ‘they’re definitely staring’.

“Drive back to yours. Now.” Renjun quickly slid back into his own seat, neatening his hair which had been tugged and ruined by his soulmate’s hands. He’d immediately gone into emotional shut down, all defence mechanisms had been activated. He was scared. He knew this meant they were soulmates but what if he couldn’t give Jaemin what he wanted, what he deserved.

“Earth to Injun, hey? You still with me?” Panic was evident in Jaemin’s voice as he watched the other stare off out the window. He opted for getting out the car, hoping that would be enough to alert the other of their arrival at Jaemin’s house. A house which was empty and quiet and the moment they went inside they’d be away from the public, all alone, to have a conversation Renjun was fearful of having, but the sleepiness had overtaken him as well and his eyes were beginning to droop.

“Come on, we can talk another time. You look sleepy, I’ll take you to bed.”

Renjun’s body was so used to this action that his limbs moved on their own, arms wrapping and locking at the back of Jaemin’s neck as he felt an arm slide under his knees. It was nice, relaxing even, he turned into Jaemin’s body – in search of warmth and the smell of home. The metronome that is Jaemin’s heartbeat, thumping softly as he was carried up the stairs. His own heartbeat, although slowing in search of sleep, was becoming increasingly irregular as Jaemin’s hands moved across his body, finding their way to undoing the buttons of his shirt and gently pulling one of Jaemin’s t-shirts over his head. Renjun managed to stay awake long enough to change himself into a pair of sweatpants and curl up under the thick duvet of Jaemin’s bed before allowing himself to drift off.

“Goodnight Injunnie,” a delicate kiss to his forehead before climbing in next to him, Renjun’s body on auto-pilot curling himself up into his side, “we’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

FROM Haechannie (10:58 pm)

Where the heck did you go?

FROM Haechannie (11:05 pm)

Seriously we can’t find you anywhere!

FROM Haechannie (11:19 pm)

Okay, I’m hoping you and Renjun have gone home because you’re both missing and so is your car

FROM Haechannie (11:25 pm)

God help you, you better be fine

FROM Haechannie (11:27 pm)

The only valid excuse I’m letting you have to get out of this is if you and Renjun disappeared because you were making out

Mark agrees

TO Haechannie (11:43 pm)

Well, I guess you can’t be too mad at me then?

Renjun’s with me by the way

Excuse me, what?!

OH MY GOD – from Mark

Tell me everything, now.

Well, since you abandoned us at the dance, we were about to dance and a slow song came on so I just went with it you know?

And well I told him that I love, love him and I started rambling and well he kissed my cheek to shut me up and then we were going to go home but only made it to my car

Holy shit this is better than a drama

Hurry the fuck up I wanna know what happened next -mark

Wait ew, you better clean your car before I get in it

we didn’t have sex in my car!!

Injun was kinda up for it though, he was sat on my lap and wow his hips can move and his kisses GAH! Fnjvnldf and his waist is so tiny?? Like we’ve cuddled before, like we are right now but wow, my hands on his waist as we kissed was totally different

Jesus, you sound like you came from just making out

Or did you get left with blue balls lol -mark

mark wins this round

I said we should slow down because I was majorly hard and I was not having sex for the first time, in my car, in the school car park

He completely ignored me and carried on kissing me and undoing my shirt and then he pulled away and gasped really loudly and I was like ?????

Honestly thought he came for a second but no

He’d undone my shirt completely and was just staring at my stomach so again I was like ??

We get it Jaemin, you have abs

How many times do you want to tell us?

I have nice abs okay but that wasn’t what he was looking at

Um, turns out I have a tattoo now

I really, really want to say I’m surprised but we been knew, you and Injun were clearly soulmates -mark

Okay Hyuck is super excited and is currently dancing and screaming and said to tell you congrats so congrats

But after that, he just switched and got off me and told me to drive home, he acted like nothing happened.

And then he fell asleep in the car so I carried him up to bed and changed him into pjs

but like, I can’t see a mark on him so unless its somewhere super hidden (and I mean super) what if he doesn’t have one? Is that a thing?

I’m sure you just haven’t seen it, try get some sleep and the two of you can talk in the morning. Hyuck’s still screaming so I’ll get him to message you tomorrow.

Thank you, Mark. Sorry for unloading this on you, I’m just so so scared. Johnny and Ten had such a rocky start from best friends to soulmates, we aren’t all Jaehyun and Doyoung I guess

No, we aren’t, but you and Injun are your own people and you’ll figure it out. Johnny and Ten worked things out after all. Good night Jaemin.

Jaemin finally let himself relax, the soft snores of the small, blond boy lulling him to sleep. They’d figure this out.

They always do.

Right?

[aliaterrahq-blog]

❝ do no harm, but take no shit. ❞

C A S E  F I L E ,

f u l l  n a m e, Harper Sloane a g e, 29 p r o n o u n s, She/Her/Hers p l a c e  o f  o r i g i n, Earth 1 p i l g r i m a g e, Tenth a l l i a n c e, Alia Terra o c c u p a t i o n, Nurse

P E R S O N A L I T Y ,

p o s i t i v e, altruistic & resourceful n e g a t i v e, self-righteous & tenacious

B I O G R A P H Y ,

triggers: parent death, child death, cancer

Four years old when the discovery was made, Harper was raised in a household where her parents dissented the idea of a NEW EARTH–knowing that it was only a matter of time before the wealthy and desirable made it their home and left everyone else behind. The population control, the inability for families to build a better life–all of it contributed towards a steadfast resolve against the idea of a new world, when the Sloane family was certain they would not be among those admitted. Despite the long hours and rough work, Harper’s parents still made time for their children, pushing education as the only ‘Hope’s Gate’ to a better life within their access. It wasn’t long before Harper became the eldest of two, but several once she and her sister had reached school age, the youngest daughter, Netta, was born. 

Responsibility so often rests on the shoulders of the eldest child, and in this case it was no different. All members of the family worked to protect Netta, but Harper was appointed the responsibility of minding her sisters. Things worked well for a long time. By the time Netta reached age ten and Harper sixteen, Harper was working herself, and left Netta alone just long enough to run to the store one lonely night with their middle sister to fix supper while their parents did their own work. Netta had been overjoyed with reading fairytales and, deciding in her sisters’ absence to make the house more atmospheric, lit the small candelabra in the window. The curtains caught fire with such force and Netta was discovered, in her sisters’ absence by emergency responders. Harper’s mother never looked upon her with the same admiration in her cold, vacant eyes after that.

And yet, the choice was easy–a parent’s life for a child’s. It was a decision as classic as it was tragic; as natural as it was romantic. Unfortunately, coward’s hearts ring as true in reality as in literature and on the day of his execution, Harper’s father made a hard choice: HIS LIFE for their youngest daughter’s. After all, he’d latter recount between drunken sobs at the dive bar Harper last saw him in, he did have two daughters already. A dead man had no daughters to care for him. The first punch she’d ever thrown was the last night she ever saw her father. He died sometime later, aspirating on his own guilt and dinner. Harper could remember the lingering smell of desperation masked as whiskey on his breath from that night every time she heard his name.

Harper was not senior to her second sister by many years, but she did the best she could to be a source of support for her. Their mother withered away inside herself long before the cancer took root and spread, from lungs to liver to spleen–ravaging the broken bones of a woman who’d seen too much to know how to live any real life. When she, too, passed both sisters felt they’d grieved enough when she was living and chose to remember her as the woman she was before the loss of Netta, honoring her memory and values. The deaths left a lasting impression on Harper, who felt drawn to protecting to life of those left behind on Earth 1 at all cost. 

Determined to improve the community they’d grown up in, Harper went to nursing school and quickly found herself working in a busy emergency department in the heart of her community, where she met her boyfriend Shane–also an emergency nurse. The two took it upon themselves to make home visits, arrange primary care, and provide social assistance to at-risk members of the community, frequently following up ER patients after discharge from the hospital, where treatment options began to lessen as private hospitals boomed in the anticipation of further pilgrimages. Harper was determined that the lottery was rigged and she and Shane were determined to stay on Earth 1 and cultivate the labor of love they had taken in helping a community whose average health declined further every year.

When Harper’s family name was drawn, she could hardly believe it. Some loves span a life time and others are cut short. The chance of a lifetime presented itself to Harper in the form of a lottery winning. As much as she’d hoped to stay, her profession made her a desirable candidate and she was not given the option to decline. Besides, her parents had failed Harper and her sisters before, she couldn’t let her only remaining relative leave without her–repeating the mistake that had cost Netta her life and torn their family limb from limb. Harper didn’t tell Shane about her departure, ashamed that she’d be leaving–ashamed that part of her wanted to start afresh and leave behind the pollution and the politics and the DEATH that she couldn’t escape. Instead of an explanation, he was given a letter on a pillow where a lover’s head should rest.

Harper has been settled in Alia Terra for TWO YEARS and already it has felt like a lifetime. The green, the AIR, the wildlife and potable water comfort a heavy heart like tinctures, but healing takes time. Harper does not dissent openly, but she is sympathetic to the outsiders and would never deny anyone access to medical care were they to need it. The freedom she first felt, stepping out into a fresh start has become somewhat tainted with the resentment of authority. Harper follows the rules, but she makes no attempt to hide her distaste for being kept inside the compound no matter how pragmatic it may be. A woman who spent her lifetime in a community that held tight to her with tragedy in its claws, it’s hard not to see the community as a gilded cage depending on the day of the week. She has her sister, her work and patients, but few strong connections with those around her that run deeper than professionalism.

C E N S U S ,

f a c e c l a i m, Phoebe Tonkin p l a y e d  b y, Bea

[hellstate--rp-blog]

↪ b a s i c s ;

N A M E: Nathan Clarke A G E: 35 P L A C E   O F   O R I G I N: Los Angeles, California ( Eureka, Nevada ) G R O U P: None F C: Ricky Whittle

❝ He remembered a version of himself untrammeled by expectation, unimpeded by Ego. He had suffered in the many years since then, seeking to return to that original self, if, in fact, it ever existed. ❞

↪ p e r s o n a l i t y ;

P O S I T I V E   T R A I T S: disciplined ; self-reliant N E G A T I V E   T R A I T S: apathetic ; condescending

↪ b i o g r a p h y ;

L I F E   B E F O R E   T H E   O U T B R E A K:

Nathan Clarke was born into a marriage filled with toxicity and denial. They had been dating since the ripe age of fourteen, automatically becoming childhood sweethearts. They had seemed to possess a rare type of love that most people were only able to witness in movies or television. Along with this, came the convenient fact that they shared the same goals and dreams: to join the army. To fight for their country would have been the highest honor for them and because of this, they enlisted as soon as they were of age. They entered the army as a shiny, hopeful couple that could take on the world, but left as two individuals who were broken and defeated. Their lives had become shattered as their dreams became nightmares. Slowly, their marriage began to deteriorate. Their solution to this was easy: have a kid. And so, in a spur of the moment decision, made their decision official. Nine months later, Nathan was born into the world. However, this birth did very little for the couple as the harsh reality of actually having a child began to set in. They were mentally unstable as a result of being in the army and couldn’t handle this new responsibility. But the two never gave up, vowing to always do their best in raising Nathan and never giving him up on them. Their strong love for him eventually drove them into a state of paranoia as memories from the army haunted them. There had always been rumors passed along soldiers of a third world war, a running joke. But to some, this wasn’t a joke. This rang true for the Clarke’s and after speaking with a few fellow ex-veterans, they decided to collectively move into a more desolate area so that they could prepare for what would come. Within a few months, they had moved from their small apartment in Los Angeles to an even smaller house in Eureka, Nevada along with some of their friends.

As the years passed, Nathan was put through a tough regime of training. What could have been a loving environment quickly changed into survival of the fittest and his parents did everything in their power to make sure that he was the best. Naturally, Nathan was a dreamer who imagined a life filled with love and acceptance. But this was an unattainable goal to reach. When he did something wrong, there was punishment. There was no room for error, no room to act like the fun loving child he should have been. He had been forced to act mature and intelligent. No part of his life was considered normal anymore. His mornings were spent studying for school in the confines of his room and the rest of the day was used to educate his on the beginning of the end of the world. While he didn’t like this harsh and strict treatment, Nathan couldn’t complain. They clothed him, fed him, and more importantly, provided a sense of safety in a world where that didn’t exist. To Nathan that was more than he could ever hope for and because of this, he was quick to allow them to steal his childhood away from him. In turn, Nathan grew into a strapping young man. However, no matter how hard he tried, winning the approval of his family seemed to be an impossible task. This developed into an obsessive need to be the perfect soldier and son, forcing a great amount of stress onto him. Over time, the others in the group grew to barely respect him and he was considered a man. Because of this, he was trusted with the secret conspiracy the others had conjured up. Of course, there was skepticism at first. The idea was ludicrous, but Nathan didn’t know any better. He had to trust the people who had taken care of him and used this as fuel to work even harder and be even better.

This lifestyle enabled the growing teen to become nearly emotionless. In his small town, people always of his the unchanging facial features and the disciplined and mysterious group of people that he lived with. To many, he was an enigma and many people tried to solve this. Nathan himself couldn’t even understand the fundamentals of who he was or what he believed in. His whole life, he had been told who to be, what to say, what to wear, what to eat, what to do. There was never a moment where he got to decide or speak for himself, even when he did earn the respect of his elders. Though he may have become an obedient soldier throughout the years, there was a part of him that wanted to break free from the mold that his family had made and leave. He still dreamed of an escape, an excuse to leave Eureka and move somewhere better. He didn’t know exactly where he wanted to go, but he knew that he needed to get out before his family’s warped views had taken over. Over a year, Nathan began to save and steal money from the others with the intent to use it to start his new life. Finally, once he reached a decent number, he packed up his bags and left in the middle of the night, never to be seen by his family ever again. At fifteen, Nathan found himself sitting on the side of highways, just trying to hitch a ride for the day. He aimlessly wandered the state of Arizona, eventually entering into the state of California. There was something in this idea of never settling down that appealed to Nathan, resulting in the decision to live when and where he felt like. Throughout the years, he had lived through nearly every state in America, collecting money from underground gambling and occasionally a few drug deals.

L I F E   D U R I N G   T H E   O U T B R E A K:

The life that Nathan had been living over the years had begun to show its faults. With gambling came cheating and with cheating, came the fact that he was essentially stealing, conning people. With drug deal came the well-known reality of drug addiction and that Nathan was feeding this to those who were suffering. He had begun to truly evaluate his life at this part of his life, questioning of whether or not he should have left his family in the first place. This resulted in the grand journey from New York back to Arizona. It was an attempt to go back to his origins to reunite with his family. As he was crossing Nebraska’s state line, panic had broken out. The freeways were stopped completely and people had begun to exit from their cars out of curiosity. Nathan used his motorcycle to his advantage, weaving through the cars until he grew closer to the state line. Suddenly, screams erupted from the crowd, pure agony embedded in it. His instinct was to step in and help, but the other part of him, the one bred and trained to survive, told him to survive. Reluctantly he followed his survival instincts, steering off the highway to avoid the cars that had been stuck in traffic.

While his parents may have been wrong about how the world would come to an end, Nathan couldn’t help but be grateful for all of the things that they were right about, such as the fact that what he was learning would be important. As the reality and truth of what had happened became clear, Nathan remembered the moments of his childhood where he longed to be a better person and a positive influence to the world. He took the outbreak as a sign that he needed to use his survival skills for good and quickly decided that he would help those who needed it. Different survival groups had already begun to form and over the course of a week, Nathan had unintentionally formed his own. A group of five people had begun to follow him, looking to him as a leader. For once, there was a sense of pride that Nathan felt and those emotionless walls and uncaring facade that he had built began to fall apart. He was more vulnerable than ever, but still, he remained a strong warrior that fought for his people. It was the influence of his childhood and the lessons he had learned that lead him to believe that in order to protect and endure, he needed to do things he didn’t feel comfortable with. For them, he was willing to do anything, including killing the living. He began a warpath, targeting any other survivors that posed a threat to his new family. Of course, in doing so, he became strongly disliked. He became a walking target and put his group at risk. However, Nathan had become arrogant in his ways and underestimated other people. One night, a group of survivors that had sworn their revenge on Nathan and his group, attacked, leaving very few survivors. In a state of panic, Nathan had been selfish and abandoned them before the fight was over, choosing his life over theirs.

After realizing how cruel the world now was, Nathan came to the decision that he needed to survive for himself, not for others. A pattern of trust and betrayal began to fill Nathan’s life. As he moved from one city to another, he reenacted the same story over and over. He earned other people’s trust and broke it at the first sign of any real trouble. Nathan knew that it was wrong and with each group he left, he felt the guilt grow stronger. He had begun to do what his parents told him: do whatever it takes to survive. He was clever and manipulative in his ways and always remained one step ahead of the others. However, this changed during his seventh group. It was the first group that children were a part of. With a guilt and shame in his heart, Nathan knew that he couldn’t possibly put children through the same fate as the others had. Because of this, he left in the middle of the night and decided to join a group of raiders. After only a week with his new family, he learned that they were even more disgusting in their ways than he was. He wasn’t nearly as vicious and deadly as most of the raiders, he fit right in. The group wasn’t the best one to be in as it was filled with rowdy men, but the one good thing about it was the abundance of food. Once Nathan had begun to realize how much they had, he started to makes plans of robbing them blind. Nathan slowly began to earn the trust of the raiders. It was a tough goal to make, but he had managed to do so within the span of a few months. They traveled through the state of South Dakota, leaving destruction in their path. After hearing word of a thriving community in Cheyenne, they began to travel to Wyoming.

L I F E   A F T E R   T H E   O U T B R E A K:

Once Nathan and the other raiders had reached Cheyenne, the group split up. Some left to go to another city that held the same promises as Cheyenne, others opted to camp on the outskirts of town and watch over the growing camps with intent to take over. Nathan, however, failed to fit into either of the groups. His hope wasn’t to take over the camp and steal everything just so he can move to the next town, but rather attempt to create for himself a normal life. Of course, for him, his idea of a normal life had been skewed by his experiences as a child.  Nathan had long since forgotten his goals to return back home to his family. It was now just a distant memory that he had put to the side. He had become convinced that they were better off without him anyways, that his hands could only be used for evil and that if he returned, his old habits would come back and have a negative impact on the people who cared for him and raised him. The man had accepted the idea that this was his life now and that this was who he was: a monster. He no longer had any chance at redemption,  no matter how hard he tried or cared. This sense of hopelessness drove him back into his original state of an unfeeling numbness. He watched as his “friends” attacked the innocent and acted on cruel impulse alone. Nathan, on the other hand, refrained from doing any such things. The cold-hearted man had been raised to react with precision and elegance, only attacking others when he needed to do so. Because of this, he was able to remain in the shadows, even at his camp. He was silent and came across as crass and difficult to be with. This facade allowed him the much-needed space he needed from the ruthless men of his group and gave him the freedom to act on his own, without the unnecessary force or damage. The idea of becoming close to others outside of the raiders soon became something that Nathan longed for. He became enamored with the city that held a community, yet there was very little he could do on the subject. Tall in stature and menacing in looks, his appearance practically screamed raider. This deterred others from even wanting to speak to him, often reactive with aggression and anger towards him before he can even say a word. When those who do let him speak give him the benefit of the doubt, his callous personality, and seemingly apathetic words fail to appeal to the other and any sort of friendship is shut down almost immediately. Though his personality may be off-putting, there’s something within Nathan that is still good. No matter how much death and destruction plague his existence, a part of him still remains to be the little boy who was a dreamer. However, no one, not even Nathan, knows or really understands how to bring that side of him back to life.

[newamericanaroleplay]

“Temper us in fire, and we grow stronger. When we suffer, we survive.”

N A M E  → Malachi ‘Kai’ Flanagan

S T A T U S  → ★

A G E  → 26

PRONOUNS  → he / him 

N E I G H B O R H O O D  → Queens

O C C U P A T I O N  → Exotic Dancer / Hustler 

TRIGGERS: drugs, drug use, abuse, death, suicide and mental illness

P A S T  →

Kai has been surviving since the day he was born. His father, a dumpster for any and every mood altering substance known to humankind; and his mother left when he was five, riddled with demons she was constantly trying to drown with anything she could get her hands on. This left most of the caregiving of him and his other siblings to the eldest of the family. Everyone did their part, though. They weren’t the only kids in the neighborhood that had absentee parents. Everyone worked together and did what they had to in order to survive.

Crime was irrelevant, Kai learned to hustle some groceries by sweeping up and taking out all the trash. He also knew how to pocket a thing or too without being noticed. All of the Flanagan kids had a strong sense of cardio and quick mind from running from the cops. As he grew older, so did his talents and ability to find new work that paid more. Anything to keep their family fed, clothed, and hopefully offer them an opportunity to get out of the life they were living. Even if that meant a couple stints in juvenile hall or bailing their deadbeat dad out of jail.

Kai’s older sibling was extremely adamant that everyone needed to get up and go to school everyday. They had dropped out to help out around the house, so that none of the others had to. He never fought it, school wasn’t a bad time. Kai passed most of his classes and even participated in a few extra curricular activities that were school endorsed. The swim team was his main love next to weight lifting and track. Things that were solidarity but as a team at the same time. Focus was always his biggest problem. His brain was constantly clouded with the worries of how they were going to pay the bills, what he needed to do to help out, when they were going to eat next, where everyone was, and what if everyone found out he was into guys.

There had been questions on why Kai was never ‘chasing tail’ as they called it in his neighborhood. He just ignored them or gave out a snarky answer. That excuse would only last so long, eventually he would need to come out and he dreaded it. While the world was starting to change their minds on homosexuality, it still wasn’t favored, especially where he was from. It was a sign of weakness and away from ‘how things should be’. Most of his relationships had been in secret. Some with older men he met at the local queer nightclub, others were hiding it in school just like him. Nothing substantial had lasted long. It’s hard to keep a relationship going when you are constantly hiding from the world.

Eventually he was caught in the act, sharing rooms isn’t good for keeping secrets. It went better than he expected. There was some concern and disgust initially but in the end he was still accepted. Slowly, he told the rest of his siblings or they found out on their own. His deadbeat father wasn’t a fan, it got physical more than once with several insults. Luckily, Kai didn’t give two flying fucks what his dad thought of him. Not like he was around long enough to establish any kind of meaningful relationship, same with his mother. As far as the rest of the world went, he didn’t feel the need to broadcast anything about himself. If they didn’t ask, he didn’t need to tell them and that was how he liked it.

The rest of his childhood was a rinse and repeat of the previous years. His parents were in and out, constantly shaking up the dynamic of the house with their chaotic behavior, fighting, drug use, stealing, and drinking. They survived through it. There were plenty of close calls where they thought they would go into the system, or become homeless. Somehow they always pulled through in one piece.

Sometime between fifteen and sixteen years old, Kai’s mother showed up in a hospital with severe frostbite. She was suffering from a psychotic break. When she recovered she refused further treatment and went back with the family to attempt to recover her role as a mother. Less than a month later, Kai found her in the bathroom surrounded by empty pill bottles. She was pronounced dead by paramedics. It was later ruled a suicide.

After that, Kai couldn’t handle living in that house anymore. He took off with promises to call and send money if he could. He got his GED and ended up in New York City. There wasn’t much work available for a seventeen year old kid, so he did what he knew and hustled to get by. Whether that was being hired muscle to beat someone down, delivering unknown packages for shady individuals, stealing, or even turning an occasional trick. Once he turned eighteen he was able to get a more stable income dancing at a nearby club, which occasionally led to some extra money on the side and gifts from regular clientele. He got a place with a couple co-workers. It was a room of his own and they didn’t ask questions, which was good because the less they knew the less he had to lie.

P R E S E N T  →

Nine years in the city and Kai was finally stable. He was able to get his own place. It was small and shitty, but it was his. He kept his job dancing, though as time went on he started moving to different clubs. Most of the owners knew him for one reason or another, so if they needed a spot to fill, he would fill it. It wasn’t the most glamorous work, but it was a job that he could count on and he got to make connections. He never gave much thought to the future, but the prospect of starting his own business or attempting college lingered in his thoughts.

His side work kept him just as busy. When he started doing things for this place full of rich people, the jobs kept flowing. Kai wasn’t one to complain, he kept their secret and did the work. It gave him money to send home to his family. The younger ones were getting older and the older ones were starting to create families of their own. Soon enough they would all be out on their own and Kai wanted them to have the security to choose a life away from their old shithole neighborhood. He wanted them to reach for their dreams and feel safe. Him and the other older siblings just wanted to give them a real life. Maybe they would find one for themselves, too. Time would only tell what would become of them.

P E R S O N A L I T Y  →

+ considerate, fearless, straightforward, loyal 

- tactless, domineering, cynical, vulgar

MALACHI FLANAGAN ( Cameron Monaghan ) is written by KIT ( she / her → MST )

[sincerely-yours-s]

I *used* to get blacked out every Thursday

Thursday. 1-2-2020.

Today was a better day. Work, gym, yoga, less social media screen time, more reading & writing. 

Woke up. Made coffee, toast with organic strawberry preserves, took my vitamins/supplements and drank my greens. Showered, got ready for work, kissed my pup goodbye and off I went. Good start. 

Work was good. Typical. I enjoy my job and my co-workers, but my drug addict, psychopath manager really grinds my gears. He spoke to me for the first time in weeks today. Guess that’s better than the silent treatment. 

Friends, who are like family members now, asked me about you for the first time, S. The words “h e  c h e a t e d” still burn every time I speak them into existence. It burns, but the more I say it out loud the more it becomes reality. It’s truly not a nightmare. I thought it was. This is just my life now. You cheated, S. 

Gym after work. Trained back with a focus on lats. I want to be strong again. Physically and mentally. I want to have BIG power lifting numbers that shock people when I tell them. So I’m focusing my training on movements that will make me strong. Again. The gym was busy, but I got lucky and never had a problem getting the machine or cables I wanted. Thanks, universe. During a rest period I picked up my phone and scrolled Facebook. 

“New year. Same converse. @ Upper East Side, New York.”

M O O D       C H A N G E D 

Why are you happy, S? Why are you in the city enjoying this beautiful day? That’s the same outfit you wore when we went to Philly. Fuckin’ burn it.  Who took those photos of you? Why are you happy? S, WHY ARE YOU HAPPY?

Why are you happy?

I want you to hurt. I want you to be as upset as I am. Why haven’t you noticed that I deleted you off of all social media yet? Why haven’t you called? Why? Why? Why?

I have so many questions. A man like you doesn’t deserve to spend the day in the city exploring and making memories. Going on new adventures... without me. Who are you making memories with now, S? D? Is it her? It must be her. It HAS to be her. 

“Garbage deserves garbage” -C. One of my greatest supporters. I’m SO grateful I have a friend like you in my corner, C.

 C’s right. Garbage deserves garbage, and that is exactly what you two are, S. 

F it. Delete off Facebook too. Goodbye, good riddance, S. Karma is a b i t c h and shes going to get you good one day. 

Got home and kissed my dog hello. First thing I do every time I walk through the door. The most important thing. (Humans don’t deserve dogs, but were so lucky to have them). Did 45 minutes of yoga. While B (my pup) laid down next to my mat on the floor with me. One of my “new years resolutions”. It felt good to clear my mind for a little while and truly make a solid attempt to relax. I’m excited for tomorrow’s session. 

Dinner: accidentally a vegan meal. All whole foods, packed with nutrients. Vegetable dumplings, edamame, purple cabbage, brussel sprouts, garlic, avocado, macadamia nuts, turmeric. Good. Satisfying. 

Side note: I love cruciferous vegetables. (cauliflower, cabbage, kale, broccoli, brussel sprouts, bok choy) I read somewhere once that cruciferous vegetables detox your cells. Who knows if that’s true... but imma go with it. Detox my whole body, please. 

Shower, used a soap infused with CBD, maybe that will relax me too (lol). Lathered my whole body with lotion, put on comfy pajamas and am currently typing this.... hey. Here we are. 

Today was a good day. I feel good right now. But I’m ACTIVELY trying to be happy. I’m ACTIVELY trying to better myself, better my life. 

When will I be happy without having to try? When will I just be happy because I am genuinely happy, not because I’m telling myself I’m happy. I’m not pretending, but it doesn’t feel real yet. Why do I feel like I can’t achieve happiness?

My best friend, D, told me a few days ago I need to stop drinking. I used to get blacked out every Thursday night. Ahhhhhh, college. And yeah.. she’s not wrong. She also said if I don’t think I can control the drinking I should really see a therapist. Supportive, but aggressive. I told her I would do a “dry January”.... I had a vodka soda and a beer on 1-1-2020. She wasn't entirely happy when she realized I didn’t even make it 24 hours.

You know that meme of the dog sitting in a room engulfed in flames saying “it’s fine” “everything’s fine”? Same dog, same. 

D shared an article on Facebook today, which I know is an indirect post towards me. Pisses me off, but I know she cares. And this is her way of caring from a distance so I don’t blow up in her face. Which is fair. Because we both have short fuses. And at the end of the day she is my best friend. 

The title of the article is “Hate To Break It To You But You Are The Reason Your Life Sucks So Much”

I didn’t even read the article but I know, D. I k n o w. 

I love music, and listened to some good songs today. I think the music you choose to listen to is a pretty good indicator of how your life is going, so for the purpose of looking back on these some day, here are the songs I loved today. 

Sunrise (feat. Jason Walker) -Kygo

Mess Is Mine -Vance Joy

Legacy -Matt Maeson (Matt Maeson was the concert we went to in Philly. I hate how much I love his songs. They make me think of you, S. The last night we had together, before I found out about you and D, we sang this at the top of our lungs in the car on the way home. You are such a good singer, S. You’ve ruined so many good songs for me because my favorite versions will always be the version when you’re the singer. Screw you.)

I Hope -Gabby Barrett (If you’re reading this and you’ve never heard this song, go take 3 minutes and 29 seconds to listen to it. Welcome to my theme song the past few weeks.)

I don’t have a plan for the rest of the night. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to write tomorrow. I think I’m ready to introduce you to another character. This one is K. Maybe you’ll meet K soon, you’re going to love him.

Like I have for the past 9 years. 

I have one of my books in my lap, hopefully I’ll actually start reading it tonight. B is sitting on my foot and he is a huge dog so its super uncomfy. 

So.. on that note I have to change positions and that requires me to put my laptop down. I’ll talk to you all soon. Thanks for letting me vent. Here’s to trying not to fuck up our lives, one day at a time. Cheers. 

-Sincerely yours, S.

PS: I didn't have a drink today. It’s only 8:25 pm but I don’t think I want one. So that’s cool. See D, I don’t need therapy. I can stop drinking.