#i hate having to stay on the razors edge of doing enough 2 not trigger stress but also '''having fun''' to not trigger stress

[nerice]

i want to finish a thing but the last time i did 4am sleeptime my body punished me for uhhhh. too long that i can take that risk again but ive finished neither the thing i was supposed to do nor the indulgent thing i did instead :(

[moljh]

Unbelievable / Steve Harrington x Reader

Part 5

*trigger warning - mentions of abuse* 

fluff, slowburn, flashbacks, etc.

Part 1  Part 2  Part 3  Part 4

Edited: currently unedited 

Thursday, July 4

You always felt like a bit of an outsider, watching from the edge, staying safe and reserved. Billy was involved in it all, found comfort in the chaos. You couldn’t think about the relationship that had been between you two. You were close as twins usually are before your mother left, she allowed you to be yourselves. After she had left your father had moulded Billy into the type of man he should be and left you to fend for yourself. You knew he resented you for looking like your mother, a constant reminder of the woman he thought let him down and wronged him.

There were moments when Billy acted like the brother he used to me. You remembered when at school some asshole had grabbed you at a party and Billy had lost it, thrown him to the ground and nearly beat him to a pulp. He did these big bold acts of service to prove something and then refuse to acknowledge what he had done was because he cared for you. There was a part of you that wished you solely hated him but he was still your twin and you loved him.

You just kept thinking of what he had said to you, despite the lifelessness in his eyes and yet his words seemed true. You didn't know what to think... You still didn't know what was happening, you were only guessing at this stage. But your gut told you that something was really wrong.

Lifting your fist to the old wooden door you knocked softly several times and were shocked when it flung open so quickly. Behind it stood your younger sister looking very concerned and a few other people including some of Max's friends that you had seen before, as well as, Nancy Wheeler and Jonathan Byers, who had been a year below you at school. You were quickly ushered inside and you felt uncomfortable under the eyes of each person in the room.

"Hi..." you said awkwardly breaking the silence and making eye contact with El, she stood up and walked right over to where you were standing near the doorway "How did you do it?" was all she said "I don't know" you didn't have an answer for her, you had no clue how or what you had clued into before back at the house "one minute I was just standing in the living room and the next I was wherever you where, I still don't even know if it was real or not"

You felt like you weren't panicking enough. What was happening was truly insane and yet you were just stood there talking about it matter-of-factly, as if it were a normal nightly thing. You watched as everyone in the room seemed to share a look amongst them and slowly nod at the silent words they'd all shared. You hadn't been entirely prepared for what they said next though. They all began to tell you about this alternate world that was like yours but different and the evil that inhabited it. Each person seemed to tell a chunk of the story as it related to them and continued to tell you about the strange events that had been occurring specifically over the past few days. That's when they started to tell you about the connection it all had to Billy but how they couldn't figure out what was going on with you.

"Now y/n I know this all sounds insane but its the truth" Max said to you "when they first told me I didn't believe it but you have to trust us" "I do" was all you said in reply "What?" Max seemed confused at your assuredness "I believe you... All of it" you confirmed for them again "I've seen it. I've felt like I've been losing my mind the past few days, seeing things that weren't there, hearing voices, but now it all makes sense... Now I know I'm definitely insane" you saying finished with an uneasy chuckle "What do you mean you've been seeing things?" Nancy then asked you furrowing her brow "This creature thing, I don't know how tall... I keep seeing it... I don't know why" "Spider-like body? Slimy... No eyes and razor sharp teeth?" Nancy continued to ask "Yeah..." you replied unsteadily "exactly it"

You didn't get a chance to think much else, as a sharp pain stabbed through the side of your head and a ringing echoed in your ears. You clutched your hands to your ears and felt your knees hit the hard wooden floors. Suddenly you began to hear the voice, calling you, enticing you to come to it.

"Y/n? What's happening, are you ok?" Max asked and you felt her touching your shoulder "Do you guys here that?" You heard Nancy ask the room before you could reply to Max's question "It's just the fireworks" Jonathan tried to assure her "Billy... When he told you this, it was here, in this room?" Nancy asked

There was a moment of silence in the room and you knew that wasn't good. The voices began to get louder and you could feel heavy vibrations through the floor and you could feel it getting closer.

"It's coming, I can hear it" you whispered "He know we're here" Will added as well

The room became frantic as everyone tried to prepare for what was coming. You helped move furniture to cover the windows but your head was still pounding. Nancy returned back from the shed with a shotgun in hand, Jonathan with an axe and the teenage boy passed you one as well.

"Hey get away from the windows" Nancy instructed the kids and you all huddled together in the centre of the room.

Waiting you all just stood there, listening to the rustling coming from outside the cabin. You edged closer to Max, comforted by her presence and shifted your body in front of her own. You gripped the axe tightly, the aged wood handle stabbing into your palms. Everything began to rattle around you, the lamp shades started to swing and the plates in the drying wrack clattered against each other.

"It's close" Will said and you looked up at the trees through the window shaking "Where'd it go?" Max asked as it fell quiet once more

Then something smashed through one of the windows, sending wood flying and everyone scattered as it flew into the room. You recognised it as one of those hideous tentacle things that creature had. Putting your arms out, you weren't sure who else was behind you but you pushed them against the wall and stared at the thing that hissed at you. Raising your axe, Jonathan beat you to it and hit it several times before it flung towards him and threw him into the other wall. It tried to go after him, but Nancy began to fire bullets straight at it, though nothing seemed to be stopping it.

Then you felt someone behind you push out front behind your arms. El stepped in front of you and reached out at the tentacle that was going straight for Nancy that was fresh out of bullets. She lifted her arm and the thing seemed to quiver in pain as she did something to it. You weren't sure exactly what you were witnessing, they had only briefly said that El had 'powers' but you didn't know how you prepare yourself for that. El flung her hand downwards and the head of the tentacle came off.

There was no moment of pause though, as another came flying into the cabin and then a second, both stopped and ripped apart by El. In that moment as all of you were in shock, the roof fell and another part of the creature grabbed a hold of the girl. El screamed as it dragged her, but you all ran to her, grabbing her and trying to pull her back. Nancy started to shoot at the bigger head of the creature and you remembered your axe. Grabbing it, you began swinging at what was holding El, Lucas joined you and you cut it off. El fell to the ground and cried out in pain as they ripped the thing from her ankle.

With one final scream, El rose up and lifted both hands towards the creature. She exclaimed and threw her arms to the sides and the monster slip down the centre and fell to the ground.

"Go, Go!" someone shouted and you followed them all as they ran from the destroyed cabin and outside, piling inside the car before screeching away from the scene.

Your heart was going at a million miles an hour, but you didn't have time to think. Your younger sister's friend, who you'd just found out had powers, was crying out in pain next to you as Nancy Wheeler practically flew down the streets of Hawkins. Pulling into the supermarket parking lot, you smashed the glass window with a rock and stepped inside the empty store.

"Ok, get her down" Nancy said "Oh, shit" Max exclaimed as the sight of El's ankle as her pant leg was pulled up

Nancy went to clean the wound but Max quickly told her what to do, assuring her of her medical skills with how much she dealt with as a skater. Everyone began to separate throughout the supermarket, so you got up as well to see if you could find something to help. You weren't sure what you were meant to be doing, unsure about anything that had just happened.

"You're dealing with this surprisingly well" you turned around to Max standing there "Well I guess if you just don't think about it, there's no time to actually freak out about it all" you replied "I'm sorry you're involved in all this" "Whoa, whoa, whoa" you walked up to her "don't apologise for this, it's not your fault, I can't believe you've been dealing with all this all by yourself" "Well I'm not by myself" she assured you, gesturing her head in the direction of the others "And I'm glad you've got them... I'm just disappointed I didn't know all this was going on with you. I know you couldn't have talked to be before about this, but after this, we need to have a real talk"

She simply nodded at your words and you pulled her into a quick hug. Separating you both heard a small commotion in the aisle next to you and quickly went towards it. Mike frantically told you there was a 'code red' and they needed to find their friend Dustin. Everyone started to move around as they go El cleaned up and ready to locate Dustin somehow. You stood there as El used her mind to find him, which was apparently the same thing she'd done with Billy and how you'd also seen her, though she wasn't sure how you ended up in Billy's mind.

Dustin was at the movies at Starcourt mall according to El, which didn't make much sense to anyone. From what Mike had heard, Dustin said something about a gate which was of significantly concern to those around you. Collecting the fireworks Lucas had found, you wheeled one of the supermarket trolleys filled with them back to the car and began heading to the mall.

You stayed silent the whole ride, listening in to the small conversations going on around you. They all seemed concerned, yet so casual about the whole thing, making jokes and talking as normal. Every now and then silence would fill the car and the feeling of dread would become more apparent. Max was making fun of Lucas' plan and Nancy and Jonathan were bickering in the front seat about something you couldn't make out.

Rushing into the mall you looked down into the mall food court from the balcony that you stood on and saw the four figures dressed in black approaching one of the restaurants with their guns raised. The alarm of the car of display sounded, causing the men to turn around before El propelled the car through the air and at them. From behind the restaurant bar four people appeared and you immediately recognised one of them as they looked up at you.

You all made your way down towards them, as they four of them ran to where you guys where. They all said their greetings and you just stood back and watched, feeling very out of place amongst the larger group.

"I don't understand what happened to that car" the girl who you vaguely recognised said "El has superpowers" Dustin quickly replied "I'm sorry?" "Superpowers. She threw it with her mind, c'mon catch up" "That's El?" "Who's El?" "I'm sorry, who are you?" Nancy injected into the rapid conversation "I'm Robin I work with Steve"

They all continued to talk amongst themselves frantically, mentioning something about secret codes and those men apparently being evil Russians. You zoned out of what they were saying as the ringing returned to your ears. Through it you noticed El slowly walking away from the group and bringing her hands up to her ears, just as you were doing, she stood there for a second and then collapsed to the ground.

"My leg, my leg" she gasped "Ok, it's ok" you tried to reassure her

You peeled back the already reddened bandages that Max had applied earlier and everyone let out an audible groan and the sight of the wound. It looked significantly worst that it had done less than an hour before and you could see something moving beneath the skin. El continued to scream louder as Mike desperately tried to help her and hold her still.

"Keep her talking, keep her awake" Jonathan said before running off and you all tried to move El as she wailed in pain

"You know, it's not actually that bad. There was a... The goalie on my soccer team, Beth Wildfire,  this other girl slid into her leg, and the bone came out of her knee, six inches or something, it was insane" you all looked up at the girl rambling with confusion at the contribution of her story in this moment "Robin" Steve interrupted her "Yeah?" "You're not helping" "I'm sorry"

You felt bad for Robin, she clearly had no idea what was going on and you'd likely be acting as she was in this situation if you hadn't already been losing your mind the past few days. Though you likely wouldn't be in this situation at all if you hadn't of lost your mind. Jonathan return back to where you were with a wooden spoon, glove on and a large knife in hand.

"Ok, all right El, this is going to hurt like hell ok" and you already knew exactly what Jonathan was going to do

You thought you were going to be sick as he cut into El's leg and then stuck his fingers in. You had to look away at the sight. That's when you heard it and you seriously thought you might be sick. You could hear it muttering, like it was trying to say something but since it wasn't apart of the bigger thing, couldn't form real words. It was hissing, trying to grow and return to its' home. You tried to block out the noise but you couldn't. That's when El started screaming louder and you heard her begging Jonathan to stop. You glanced back at what was going on and saw as El sat up and took a deep breath and reached out towards her leg. She began to shout louder than she had done before and suddenly the glass behind  you shattered. Lifting her arm up, the small arm of the creature was pulled from her leg and she threw it across the room, you watched it start to crawl away but was then suddenly crushed. You all looked up at the three adults that stood before you and you heard the others around you sigh.

They had all assembled together and began discussing what was going on, with the Hopper and Joyce Byers, who Max had filled you in on. You sat to the side, ignoring the conversation just trying to deal with the throbbing ache of your head. You had hoped that the creature was dead, but this assured you that it most certainly was not. There had been a brief moment when El had split it in half that your headache had ceased for the first time in days, but now it had returned stronger than before.

"Hey, are you ok?" you opened your eyes to Max worriedly standing over you "Yeah, I'm fine. How's El?" you intentionally deflected the conversation "She's... Not great, but she'll be ok" "That's good" you paused "How are you?" "Ask me tomorrow?" she coyly remarked

With the adults suddenly arriving, it had been decided they would stay and go down to the Russian laboratory below the mall that the others had stumbled across. The group Dustin had deemed 'Scoops Troop' had left just moments before to get to the radio tower to assist then whilst they were in the tunnels and your own group 'Griswold Family' were to get to the dungeon of a home the strange guy Murray had. You helped Mike and Max get El into Nancy's car and you got into the back seat. Nancy went to start the car up but nothing happened, the engine just spluttered as she turned the key.

"What's wrong?" Jonathan asked "I don't... I don't know" Nancy replied, continuing to try and start the station wagon "You can't be serious come on!" "Didn't your mum just buy this car?" Lucas questioned as she didn't stop trying to start the vehicle

Will and Lucas continued to make unhelpful comments, but you decided to get out, going to check what the issue was.

"Pop the hood" you told Nancy, as you walked to the front of the car, taking one look you immediately saw what was missing "we've got a problem" you shouted back "What?" Jonathan asked and Nancy appeared by his side "The ignition cables gone" you said, pointing towards the spot where it was meant to be

Suddenly the rev of an engine sounded out in the distance and the three of you whipped around to look at where it had come from. That blue car. Headlights pointed straight at you, engine revving like a warning. It sat still in the parking lot watching you and you knew exactly who was behind the wheel. You tried to see through the brightness of the lights but they filled your vision. Your stomach sank as the realisation set in that the Billy you had known was gone.

[xenia-cenia]

Razor x Fem!Reader - Trust

A/N - I... have been avoiding writing this one, but he and Albedo are the last two before I can finish off the Mondstadt part of this series. Here’s hoping it doesn’t take me as long as the other ones lol

Post writing authors note: only took 2 hours so a lot better than my other ones

Trigger/Content Warnings: Injury, blood mention, slight manga spoilers, kidnapping, human experimentation mention, abusive sibling, food mention

Word Count: 1,552

Request: No

Summary: Ooooh dottore bad... razor good.... its 1am i have school tomorrow pretend this makes sense

---------------------------------------------------------------

You came to him on accident. 

You didn’t mean to stumble into the Wolvendom with blood coating your arm and chased by people who thought of you as nothing more than a Harbingers sister. You hadn’t planned on slipping in the mud and watching with fear in your eyes as your pursuers celebrated their victory. How could you of known that the scream that’d fall from your lips would alert a nearby boy?

Electricity remained in the air as he set his weapon down. He turned to you with a blank expression, “...hurt?”

“Who are you? Do you know what you’ve just done?”

“Hurt.” He pointed at your arm. “I fix.” Razor walked over to you and kneeled, carefully grabbing your arm.

“The Fatui! You’ve just... oh Archons, please help me. I’m so sorry, I got you into this mess and now you’ll be in danger, why did I scream?”

“Fa... tui?” He slightly cocked his head to the side.

“T-They’re people who want me back. I... I’m the sister of-”

“Family?”

You shook your head violently, “No! Not family!” You sighed, “I’m the sister of one of the harbingers. P-Please, tell me you haven’t heard of Dottore...”

“Dottore. Dottore bad?”

“Very!” 

“You scared Dottore?”

“Yes.”

“Razor protect you from Dottore. Join lupical.”

“Lu...” you echoed, “Are you Razor?”

“Razor is me.”

You looked at the mysterious boy and considered your options; either be found by the fatui and forced to face your brother or... follow the boy who saved your life without knowing you.

“Okay, fine.” You sighed, “I’ll come with you.”

He nodded, “Follow.”

You walked in silence and you noticed kindness in his subtle actions. He would hold branches above your head until you were safely past them or pointed out puddles so you wouldn’t step in them.

Finally, you arrived at an opening. Wolves stalked the exterior, looked at Razor and you, and continued their business.

“Ra... Razor?” You whispered, gripping onto his arm and stepping behind him. “Why did you take me to wolves?”

“Lupical. Family.”

“These are your family?” 

“Yes.”

“Okay.” You nodded, drew out your words as you started to regret your decision to trust him. “Wolf... family. Alrighty. Annnd... I’m here now. This is what I’m doing with my life.”

“Lupical protect Razor. Razor protect Lupical. Razor trust you. You smell nice.”

“I’ve been on the run for multiple weeks. There’s no way I smell nice.”

Razor scrunched his eyebrows as he searched for the right word, “You smell... kind. Razor trust you.” He turned to you and tried to manage a smile though it looked more like a ferocious snarl, “You trust Razor?”

And maybe you were just tired but for some reason, you did. 

It didn’t take long for you to merge with the rest of the wolf pack, though you couldn’t understand their words you learned their body language. 

The pups would run over to you and wouldn’t leave you alone until you pet them behind the ears. You would pick grass and would weave it into a shoddy crown, and each time you gave it to Razor he’d wear it the rest of the day. 

Happy. You were happy. 

Hunting, flower picking, star gazing. It was simple, but it was the best life you could’ve asked for. A life outside of political intrigue, violence, anger, and human test subjects.

A life where you could smile. A life where your shoulders relaxed. A life where you were trusted and you could trust.

Lupical. Family. You would give anything to keep these peaceful days ongoing. 

But, as with every spot of happiness you found, it needed to be crushed. 

Crushed by your older brother and the troops he controlled as he tracked down your location. As he demanded they wait until nightfall to grab you by your arm and drag you back into his clutches.

“Scream and they die.” He had said with a smile. You knew better than to doubt him. 

“Can I...” you tried to blink the tears out of your eyes, “Can I give them a final goodbye gift?”

Dottore rolled his eyes and waved his hand dismissively. You picked grass, quickly weaved it into a shotty flower crown, and lied it on Razor's chest. And just like that, you were gone.

You were halfway to Liyue by the time Razor realized that you were missing. He gripped the flower crown as if his life depended on it, and tried his best to stay calm. To breathe.

His Lupical were quicker to pick up on your disappearance, they whined and hounded him until he finally picked up on it. 

What was he going to do? You trusted him and you’re gone. Razor hadn’t felt this awful since part of his Lupical died in front of him. He didn’t spend much time grieving, however, he dropped right onto your scent.

You walked next to your brother, your eyes locked onto the ground, you were surrounded by trees and there was a cliff behind you. 

“Why, (Y/N), you gave us quite a scare!” He chuckled after hours of pure silence, “3 months and no message. I almost began to think the worst.”

“I bet you wished for it.” You grumbled under your breath.

“What?” He looked at you, “How could you say that? I love you.”

“You never loved me.” You snapped, your fingernails digging into your palms, “You used me. You only want me back so I can’t tell everybody the awful things you do. Dead or alive, it doesn’t matter to you. I’m just here for your appearances.”

“I wanted you back because you’re my fami-”

“Don’t you dare say we’re family. They were my family. They loved me.”

“The-the wolves?” He laughed, “Don’t be absurd! Wolves can’t love you.”

“And why not?” You finally made eye contact with him, “They surely love me more than you.”

He looked at you with a slightly agape mouth, “Surely you hear how ridiculous you sound. You... you need some food. When's the last time you had a whole meal? Is that it? Are you starving? Are you sleep-deprived? What’s making you act like this?”

“I finally found someone who truly cares about me, and you take me away from them! You never want me to be happy. I hate you.” You took a deep breath, “No... hate isn’t strong enough. I despise you.” 

Dottore looked at you with almost seemed like genuine pain. But you knew better. This was the man who’d set scientists to dissect your body if he got bored. This was the man who turned countless children into experiments. 

You hated him. You hated the way he made you doubt yourself. You hated his confident smirk. 

He sighed heavily, “They always did say these teen years were hard... (Y/N), I don’t understand why you’re angry.”

“And that’s the issue! You never understand me. You don’t even try to.”

“Can’t you just listen to me?”

“I have! I’ve listened for years and nothing's ever changed! You take me away from where I’m happy and try to convince me I’m in the wrong for getting upset. You are a terrible brother and even worse person.”

“Ter... oh. Oh, (Y/N), I tried to be reasonable with you.” He shook his head dismissively, “It really is your fault. You forced my hand. You’re going back to Snezhnaya and you’re staying there until you learn your lesson.”

“No, I’m not.” You took a step away from him. “I’ll run. I’ll run each time and I’ll tell everybody what you do.”

He stepped towards you and grabbed your wrist, “If you disappear again, I’ll just be forced to kill all of your... ahem... friends.” 

You bit your lip and tried to keep the tears pooling in your eyes to spill over, “Fine.” You pulled out of his grasp. 

“Are you finally going to listen to me?”

You turned around and looked over the edge of the cliff. A flash of white caught your attention. You smiled to yourself, turned around, and let the tears fall. 

With outstretched arms, a huge smile, and a torrent of tears, you spoke, “I’ll always run from you.” You stood on the edge and let your body fall.

Dottore ran to the edge and grabbed at your clothes, missing by mere inches. He looked over the cliff in fear as he watched you fall through the branches of trees. 

He sighed to himself and tried to contain his frustration. “Damn brat.” He turned to his troops who took the time of your argument to rest, “We continue on. (Y/N) is dead.”

In the tree, Razor looked at you in relief as you sat in his arms. “Safe?”

“Safe.” You replied with a laugh as you hugged him as best as you could considering he was holding you. “He won’t... he won’t bother us anymore.”

“Dottore? Dottore hurt you? Razor not protect.”

You pulled back from the hug, “You saved me.”

He blinked, “Razor... save? You are safe... Razor save...”

You pulled him down by his collar and kissed his cheek, “I love you.”

His cheeks turned bright red. “Love... Razor love... Razor love you.”

You giggled as you pulled him into another kiss, happy to be free from your brother and in Razor's arms. 

“I love you,” you whispered again, “I love you so much.”

[acourtofsnakes]

Cabur - Rogue, Chapter 6| The Mandalorian x Force Sensitive! Reader (f)

Summary: A few weeks have passed and after landing on a small planet to collect a bounty, you and Mando decide to take a little trip to the market to stock up on some things. Nothing will come up here.. right?

Warnings: Angsty angsty annnnngst, (Sorry, I don’t mean to be so horrible to dear reader), Swearing (mild), brief mentions of death, touching on the same things as chapter 4 but not as heavy but I’ll still add the trigger warnings ♥︎ These chapters will get lighter, I promise,

Not beta read, I wanted to get this one out because I love it so apologies for any mistakes, I’ll be going in to edit a little later

Trigger warnings: Anxiety, horrible thoughts/insults, triggering comments maybe, thoughts of not being able to cope. 

Words: About 6210

AN: Okay, okay, so, I was listening to my Rogue playlist on Spotify (link coming soon) and a certain song came on that just fuelled this chapter. SO, I highly recommend listening to Leave A Light On by Tom Walker if you want the vibes for this chapter. Just… honestly, please do it (I may have had tears)

As always, credit to whoever owns the gif. I usually find them on Google or Pinterest, so message me if it’s yours ♥︎

Rogue Taglist:  @snipskixandbeskar   @weirdowithnobeardo @the-bottom-of-the-abyss

Rogue Masterlist | Introduction| 1: Solus| 2: Arir | 3: Tor | 4: Gaa'tayl | 5: Kyr’am | 6: Cabur |

Mando’a translation: Cabur - Protector or Guardian

A few weeks had passed since that night you saved the Mandalorian’s life, since he threw away the bounty puck to keep you safe. 

You’d stayed that night grounded, and then when Mando was able to get up in the morning, he flew you off of that dump of a planet. 

He didn’t ask anymore but how you had managed to save him. Whether he knew you were lying or not, he hadn’t pushed it, choosing instead to respect you. Kind of like how you respected him and his Creed. 

You’d fallen into a sort of routine around the Razor Crest, without either of you realising it. Mando would fly the ship, and you could be found seeing to Grogu and Duru, or tidying things up. Sometimes you would clean the weapons in the cabinet, making sure they stayed in pristine condition. 

Now and then, Mando would head out to get a bounty and when he got back, he would let you help patch him up. You never saw his bare skin, respected that. You would look away or close your eyes, pointing out the best things to use or how to administer them. The man was good at first aid, but his answer to everything was to shove the cauteriser on it. So, when you had been passing through some shops one day, you had stocked up on medical supplies, even found a shop selling the same herbs and plants that your mother had taught you about. 

You’d even been on a few of the hunts with him. 

Of course, you had argued first. When you’d asked him about it one day on the way out of Nevarro, Mando had simply said no. 

Which had immediately riled you. You were not a girl who liked that word. You despised that word. 

Which is how you’d spent the whole night and next two days bickering, over the question of your safety. When he lost that front, (“Seriously, Mando? I’m a fugitive. And after all, I’ve got a big, strong Mandalorian to protect me”) the Mandalorian had moved on to your lack of thinking before throwing yourself into the firefight.

He lost that one too. 

(“Says the man who stole back a child surrounded by Stormtroopers.”

“You’re not coming. End of.”

“Did you want me to bring your pulse rifle over?”

“Are you even listening to me?”

“You’re right. Pulse rifle and an extra blaster.”

“I hate you, you know that?”

“Sure you do, Lori. I’ll see you at the ramp.”)

That nickname had slipped out by accident, and he’d regarded you, for a long time. He’d gone still, and you almost swore you heard a hitch of breath through his helmet and then he just nodded and murmured softly, “See you down there.”

There had been a lot of little moments like that but they were so fleeting that you were almost convinced you’d imagined it. You were imagining a lot of things lately. 

Sometimes, when you were walking through forests or towns, you thought you spotted something lingering at the edges of your vision. 

A tall figure, cloaked in a hood that was embroidered in either silver or gold, depending on the light. 

You’d even asked Mando about it a few times, but he hadn’t seen anything so you simply put it down to a trick of the light or sleeplessness, nightmares still plaguing you now and then. 

Regardless of the nightmares and your vision playing tricks on you, you were doing… okay. You were warm, safe, had a comfy place to sleep. You had things to keep you busy, things that weren’t hunting for food or a good spot to hunker down in for the night. 

Duru was happy too, having become fast friends with Grogu and the two of them ran rings around you and the Mandalorian. Well, mainly Mando, which you found hilarious because he was such an exasperated dad with them both. 

It was a rare reprieve from your life, letting you slow down and… live. Rather than survive. 

~~

“I do not talk in my sleep.” 

“Yes, you do!! Sometimes, I think you’re awake but you’re just having a fully-fledged conversation with your blanket.” 

“Oh, shut up. I know I don’t talk in my sleep, tin can. You were probably just having dreams about me again.” You examined the fruit in front of you, then handed over a few credits to the kind vendor, slipping the fruit in your bag. 

The sound of fabric hitting the floor sounded from behind you, and you turned to see that the Mandalorian had dropped the bag you’d made him carry. “I do NOT have dreams about you!” He stooped to pick up the bag, then rose to see you standing with your hands on your hips, eyebrow raised and that damn smirk on your lips. 

“Mmhm, is that why you always have to pull something over your lap when I wake you up?”

He stared at you, and you had the very correct feeling that he was looking at you in mild shock, too caught out to come up with his usual cocky response. “I -you.. That’s completely..”

You burst out laughing, rolling your eyes at him and then dropping him a wink, “Come get me when you’ve thought of a response, Lori.” You turned and carried on walking through the market. 

The two of you had stopped off on a nearby trading planet, to gather supplies. Mando had recently secured a bounty with your help and it had paid well, giving you enough extra credits to stock up and treat yourselves. Grogu was already half-way through a packet of blue macarons, which would no doubt come back to bite you both later when he was pelting through the ship whilst you tried to catch him. And it would be your fault because you had taken one look at those big ears and eyes, determined not to break but when the little womp rat had cooed at you… Of course, he had gotten his own way. 

It felt good, to wander a market and not be scrounging for things under the cover of a hooded cloak. You still had one on, you couldn’t bear to part with this item, the most beautiful piece of clothing you had ever had. You just didn’t have the hood up disguising you. 

A gift, from Mando. 

The first time you went out with him after the puck was destroyed, Mandalorian had insisted you wear yours. However, it had been covered in his blood from his injury, and you couldn’t get it out, no matter how hard you had tried. It hadn’t bothered you that much, though you were.. not sad as such, but it felt a little strange because it had been one of your few possessions for so long. But, maybe it was a symbol. That things had changed, and that was in the past. 

A couple of days later, you had just walked into the cockpit when you noticed there was a package on your seat. When you picked it up, it was squishy, bound in a sort of thick papery material and tied with a length of string. 

You’d glanced at the Mandalorian, who was watching you, the picture of calm but his hands had been fiddling with something on his belt, a shockingly nervous gesture you weren’t used to. 

That simple, uncertain gesture had risen your pulse and you unwrapped the package, trying not to show how your hands were shaking at the first gift you’d received since being a child. 

A gift from the Mandalorian. 

Pulling away the paper had revealed a mass of fabric, a blue so deep it was almost the same colour as the night sky. You’d lifted it out and it had unfolded and revealed itself to be a new cloak. The material was soft, thick enough to keep out a biting chill. You’d made a noise of awe and surprise, but had immediately fallen in love with it, pulling it on. It fell to about the middle of your calves and secured at the base of your neck with a small silver clasp. 

The inside was lined with a thin layer of heat-reflective material, and when you’d run a hand over it, Mando had finally broken his silence, “I noticed you were always cold, even if you had layers on so I.. wanted to make sure you weren’t cold anymore..” 

You swore you could almost feel the heat creeping up his neck, and that softened you. He was nervous about giving you this cloak, like he didn’t know how you would take it. 

You had smiled at him, a soft smile that made your eyes glitter like the surrounding stars and placed a hand on his knee lightly, “Thank you, Lori. I adore it, I truly do.” Then you’d spent the next minutes admiring it, putting the hood up and realising it shielded your face in shadow. 

So, naturally, you had moved around the cockpit and upper level like a phantom, pretending to be a shadow in the night. 

You’d even earned yourself a laugh from the great wall of beskar that was fast becoming your friend.  It was only a soft chuckle, just picked up by the vocoder, but all the same, it had lit something within you. 

It still echoed in your ears now. 

A few moments later, the Mandalorian was back at your side, Grogu in his little bag and Duru walking next to him. “The point still stands. I thought I might finally get some silence at night, but you talk just as much.” His raspy voice had a softened edge, one of teasing and you might even have heard the hints of a smile playing at his lips. 

You turned to look at him over your shoulder, “You love it when I talk. I have to talk to you, otherwise I’d be worried you had turned to stone. You’re so quiet sometimes.” You stopped at a stall, admiring the fabrics here – not to buy, just to look at the different things in a place you had never seen before. 

The Mandalorian made a soft noise, “No, sweetheart, that’s just called quiet time. You might want to try it sometime.”

You opened your mouth to speak, but something behind Mando caught your eye. Rising up on tiptoe, you peered over his shoulder… but there was nothing there. Weird. You could have sworn you saw someone wearing a hood just… watching you. 

You shrugged, assuming you had imagined it like before and then looked back to the man before you, “I can be quiet. I just choose to fill your hours with my wonderful voice.” You flashed him a grin, eyes dancing. 

A voice cut across before Mando could talk to you, “You.” It was a snarl, tinged with recognition that wasn’t exactly the most positive. It was bitter, aggressive and almost… pained. 

Mando turned quickly, his hand flying toward the blaster on his hip, instinct overriding him. His movement allowed you to see who had just interrupted the conversation. 

A lady stood there, with curly magenta hair twisted up into a braid. She had tattoos along her neck, and her eyes were a shocking green. She was breathing quickly, staring at you with such disdain that it made your neck prickle. 

How did you know this woman? You’d never been to this planet before.

You blinked, holding up your hands as a surrender gesture, “Uh… I’m sorry but I don’t know you. I think you must have me confused with someone else…”

The lady shook her head fiercely, making the whisps of her hair that had escaped bounce wildly. “No. I do not have you confused. I would know you anywhere.” Her eyes were wild with fury, pinning you to the ground with just a stare. 

“I’m sorry, but I really don’t know who you are. Maybe you could tell me your name?” You extended a hand, trying to diffuse this situation and help the woman understand that you aren’t who she thinks. 

She flinched back from your reach, even though she was still a good few feet away. “How dare you. You don’t even know who I am?” She made a noise of disgust, looking you up and down in such a way that you were surprised the skin didn’t flay from your bones, “Typical. I don’t know why I’m surprised. She was probably just another tool to you, wasn’t she? Another person to use and discard like trash.”

You blinked, your hands dropping to your sides. Your skin began to tighten, your blood turning a little frosty. You looked to the side, seeing a few people start to stop and watch this altercation happen. 

The Mandalorian seemed to pick up on this at the same time as you. He turned more toward the lady, his hand still within reach of his blaster, “Why don’t we take this somewhere more private?”

The woman barely even looked at him, “Don’t get involved in this, Mandalorian. You’re just as bad as she is. At least to do what you do, you have to have respect and creed. You have morals, no matter how murky they are.” She jabbed a finger at you, “Unlike this savage monster.”

Your breathing immediately shallowed, getting a little unsteady as she spat out that word, that hateful word that followed you around and hounded at your feet. “I’m sorry? For whatever I’ve done, I’m sorry if it’s hurt you. I didn’t mean it, truly-”

She laughed, a cold and cruel laugh, but her eyes were slowly turning glassy with tears. She took a few steps closer, “You don’t even remember her name, do you? Shall I remind you? Help you distinguish her from your kill list?” 

You didn’t fail to notice the way the Mandalorian’s stance shifted. His body tightened and he stood closer, shielding you slightly with one of those ridiculously broad shoulders. He was going on the defensive, feeling the situation start to spiral. 

The woman barely spared him another glance, “3 years ago, you showed up on Trask. You stumbled around the market for a few days, bleeding from a wound in your leg and you passed out.”

Realisation was beginning to filter through you. It sparked in your mind and you remembered a dark street and rain, your leg heavy and cumbersome beneath you. It had burned like fire and when you went down, you couldn’t get back up again. 

The woman was still talking, “Someone picked you up, took you to their home. My sister. She was there for work, and saw you lying in the street, like some kind of dumped animal. She nursed you back to health, gave you somewhere to stay.” She could see it as it began back to you, “You took her aid, her comfort and then, there was a warning put out in the village. There had been a high-risk fugitive spotted in the village. Anyone with information was to come forward immediately.”

Your hands curled into fists, your chest shuddering as guilt and darkness began to swirl within you, “Stop.” 

She chose not to hear your quiet plea, “I was supposed to meet her. But she sent me a comms message. She would meet me, but she would have someone else with her. Someone who she couldn’t tell me over a comms message. Someone in trouble. People said this girl was dangerous, to be handed over with no hesitation but she didn’t see that. No, she said this girl was terrified, that she just wanted to live.” She tilted her head, walking closer again, “But the next day, this special little girl was gone. And then the Imperials came.” Her voice shook, her expression unreadable. 

You shook your head mutely, not wanting to hear this, memories flooding your brain. 

“Someone had tipped them off that my sister was harbouring a fugitive. They tore through her home, destroyed it and dragged her in for questioning. They demanded she tell them, beat her when she denied it. She never gave it up.” 

The woman was right in front of the Mandalorian now, who extended his arm out, ‘That’s close enough.” 

Nausea roiled your stomach, and you weren’t sure if you were going to pass out or throw up. There were too many eyes on you, too many people watching as this woman revealed you bit by bit. 

The woman lowered her voice, deadly soft and it shook, but carried in the silent square, “My sister was murdered because of you. Because of what you are.” 

Mando froze, his head tilting back to look at you slightly. You still hadn’t told him. 

She wasn’t done. “They told me a few weeks ago that you’d been captured by a Mandalorian. I wept with relief that day, because I knew the Mandalorian wouldn’t fail. You’d be taken to whoever wanted you, and you would finally repent for every single sin you’ve ever committed. Your life is littered with them. My sister, my beloved sister is dead because of you. A killer. A beast. Your hands are stained red, girl, and they will always be stained red. I admit, I’m disappointed that you slithered into his head with your poison too but you will kill him too and then… You deserve everything that will ever come to you. And more.” The woman was breathing almost as quickly as you, her eyes glinting in sick delight at the pain she was causing you. 

My sister is dead because of you. 

A beast.

Her words mingled with that seductively dark voice in your mind and you gasped for a breath, knives feeling like they were digging into your lungs. Your eyes darted around, noted the strangers looking at you with horror and that shared disgust. A father pushed his daughter behind his legs as he caught your stare, hissing at you. 

A flinch ran down your body and without a second thought, you turned tail and bolted. The sunlight was too bright, obscuring your vision harshly and making you stumble every now and then. 

You were distantly aware of a male’s shout, then a harsh thumb and the Mandalorian’s voice snarling, “Stay down.” He stopped to check your pursuer was down and then he was running after you. “Hey, wait.”

You ignored him, boots pounding into the dust as you ran through the market, needing to get out of this place, get away from her and the memories. Where the hell was the ship? It was right here a minute ago. I haven’t gone the wrong way. This is the way we came. 

You could still hear Mando behind you, knew he was hot on your heels. “Drop it, Mando.” You led him around people and stalls, knowing if wanted to be in front of you, he would be. He was letting you flee, stopping anyone coming after you. 

Dodging around a crate of fruit, you almost sobbed. There it was, the Crest, gleaming in the sunlight. You slowed down as you reached it, stopping a little way away to let the ramp come down, let you inside to sanctuary. 

Nothing happened. 

Bastard. 

You took a breath, trying to get past the tightness in your lungs, “Let me in.”

“No. Not until you tell me what’s going on.” His voice was firm, arrogant, in a way like he knew best and you’d listen to him. 

~“A killer. A beast. Your hands are stained red.”~

Your hands curled into fists at your sides, staring at the Crest, at where the ramp was tucked in tight. Your heart was pounding, not from the run, but from the realisation that no matter where you went, there would always be someone you had touched with that curse. “No. I’m not telling you anything. I don’t owe you anything.”

He laughed behind you, but it was a cool laugh, nothing humorous in it, “I’m not saying you owe me anything, princess. But some woman just cornered you in the street and spat abuse at you. I thought I would be prying you off of her, not chasing after you.” 

A wolf. No. A beast.

You spun round, eyebrow raised, “Because I’m some wild animal that would rather fight than talk my way out of a situation?” 

If he had no helmet, you would have seen him blink, “No, I’m not saying that. But, well. You have to admit it, don’t you?”

Something was beginning to prickle up the back of your neck, his words threatening to cut a little close, “Admit what?” Venom laced your tone and you tensed, as if bracing for a punch.

The Mandalorian walked closer, oozing confidence like he somehow knew you better than you knew yourself, “You don’t really think, do you? You never calculate the risks of a fight. You just jump straight in with no regard for your own safety. I mean, when I came for you on Sorgan, anyone smart would have seen a Mandalorian and run.” He wasn’t saying it in an arrogant way, he was saying it as fact. And he was right. A Mandalorian appeared on the street and you turned around and crossed to the other side. You didn’t engage him a fight and flirt with him. 

A cold laugh rocked though you and you tilted your head, “Anyone smart? So you’re calling me stupid now? Is that it? Beast or stupid?” You took a few steps closer to him, ignoring the villagers milling around that had started to look, having heard the fight in the centre of the market. “Don’t you dare tell me I don’t calculate risks. You think I’ve had time to calculate risks in my life? I don’t have time to sit with my little notepad in my ship and jot down the pro’s and con’s of engaging in battle. I didn’t have the luxury of being trained like you.”

Bitter astonishment filled the Mandalorian’s voice, his own body going rigid, “The luxury of training?! You think I chose to become a Mandalorian? That I woke up one morning and skipped along to Mandalorian school?” His voice rose, the rough rasp turning to stone with every word.

You observed him with a steely gaze, something in you needing to push him away, to protect yourself before he got too close. So, you aimed for what you knew would work, his Creed. Your eyebrows rose, looking him up and down as you leaned your weight on one leg, “You’re telling me you weren’t born with that thing already stuck on your head?” Spiteful sarcasm dripped from your voice and you pointed up at his helmet. 

The Mandalorian let out a snarl that no doubt usually sent normal people running. He stalked toward you with predatory grace, a hunter toward his prey.  “Don’t you dare.” Like he read in your eyes where you were going with this. 

Ugly triumph filtered though you as you stood your ground, not afraid of him, “It’s all the same with you Mandalorians, isn’t it. You have all your training, don your shiny armour and suddenly you’re better than anyone. That helmet goes on, you don’t have to face the consequences of what you’ve done. No one knows who you are, so you don’t need to take the blame.” These words were spiteful, beyond cruel and you hated yourself more and more for each one, but he was starting to get into the cracks, starting to see you. You couldn’t see him die. 

Mando was right in front of you now, towering above you with all his broad-shouldered posture, frustration roiling off of him in waves. “You think I don’t feel remorse for what I’ve done?” His voice was so low, barely leashed. 

You nearly purred, tasting the promise of a fight, even if it did twist a knife into your heart. “I’ve never seen it.” You tilted your head back to look up at him, letting every ounce of spoilt, cruel brattiness melt into your expression. 

A soft growl rumbled through the helmet, so muted you barely heard it in the noises of the market behind him. 

Yes. Yes.

And then he relaxed, his shoulders eased and his hands uncurled. 

What? No – Disappointment, maybe even shock registered on your expression. You’d been sure, so sure that aiming for his beloved Creed would get him to fight you. Why hadn’t it worked?

Mando shook his head, the sunlight bouncing off of the shiny metal, “No. I’m not doing this with you. You can’t push me away, no matter how hard you try. You don’t mean anything that you just said, I can see it in your eyes.” He pressed a button on his vambrace, and the ramp opened behind you. 

He saw you. 

That dark beast was starting to awaken, its ears pricking up. You needed to get out of here, away from him, away from this, now. You just shook your head, turning around and walking up the ramp, watching Duru as she ran ahead of you. 

Footsteps sounded from behind you as the Mandalorian followed you. He took Grogu from his little pouch, popping him on a cargo crate and Duru immediately jumped up next to him. “Don’t walk away from me. I’m trying to help you, but you keep shutting me out. Why did that woman say those things about you?” His gloved hand enveloped your wrist, his grip not tight or authoritative, but it began to break something in you. 

“Let me go, Mando. I mean it.” You let ice creep into your tone, trying to disguise the cracking inside you, the darkness that was beginning to stir and whisper. 

And the damn tin can saw it all. Your back was to him, but he still fucking knew, “Please… You know I would never judge you for it, for whatever you did to make her say that.”

Excuse me?

Anger flared through you now, igniting into a blaze and you snarled, “Whatever I did?!” You didn’t give him time to respond, not before you swung around, using his grip on your wrist for leverage. You had spent enough time around him now to become familiar with the plates of his armour, so you knew you aimed correctly when your fist connected with the side of his ribs between the front and back plates. 

He grunted, jolting a little but he still didn’t let go. “Hey, I didn’t mean it like that. I only meant-” His voice had softened and, in your rage and hurt, you mistook the pleading tone for a condescending one. 

Before he could finish, you punched him again, harder, “Don’t. Don’t try to start spewing excuses at me. I knew perfectly well what you meant. You thought that she had been hurt by me. That I killed her sister with my own hands. Probably slit her throat and bathed in her blood.”

“No, no, I didn’t. If you would just listen to me and stop shouting, please-“

Your foot connected with his shin, making him stumble backwards. You followed after him, “You didn’t even stop to think that maybe, for once, I didn’t actually do anything. But no. Like always, you looked at me and saw the worst. You assumed that I was a monster.” You chopped down at his inner elbow this time, causing him to let go of you in reflex. 

Mando tilted his head, his voice coming out sharper this time, “I assumed?” He laughed, the bastard laughed, “What else am I supposed to do, sweetheart? You’ve been on this ship for nearly a month now and I still don’t know anything about you. So yes, I was wrong for assuming, but can you blame me?”

Your eyes flashed and you were on him again, “So it’s my fault that you thought I was a monster? You’d met me for all of two seconds on Sorgan and started whispering in my ear like honey, that death followed me wherever I went. There was a bounty over my head and that’s all you saw.” 

Mando went still, his shoulders tightened, and his voice came out lower, “You’re still bringing that up? I told you that you weren’t my bounty anymore.”

Before you could answer him, that velvety voice inside your head started to whisper in your ear, “Oh no, oh my sweet darling. He sees you. The real you.  He knows you’re a monster.” 

You shook your head sharply, lifted your eyes back to the Mandalorian’s stupid face. Helmet. Visor. Whatever. “I’m not your bounty but you believed that woman. So say it.”

His confusion was palpable, “Say what?”

You took a step forward and your chest butted up against his, “Say it! Say that I’m a monster. A murderer. I kill everything I come near.” You laughed, coldly, the words coming out with your voice but in your head, they were being repeated in that cruel, silken whisper. “You regret it, don’t you? Throwing away my puck. You wish you’d kept it, then you could get rid of me, be free of what I’ve done, why I’m being hunted.” Those steel bands were still wrapped round you, crushing you, swallowing you whole again. 

Something broke in him, his composure as the anger rose again and he leaned down to you, “Stop.” The command was a growl and he lifted a finger, pointing at you, “You’re a fucking hypocrite.” 

Yes. Yes, fight back, fight me. Tell me what I know I am. 

You raised your eyebrows, smirking at his finger and then back up at him but your expression was bitter, “Am I? Why’s that, Mando?” You tilted your head and practically purred, “Tell me.” 

The tension in the room was tight, the air almost crackling around you with this outburst of emotion, the threads of your entwined lives pulling taut. 

The light bounced off of the plates on his shoulders, betraying his slightly ragged breathing, “You just screamed at me for assuming the worst about you, yet you did just that to me. How can I want to be free of you, when I don’t even know who you are.” He lifted his hands to your shoulders, to try and calm you down, to push you away maybe. 

The smirk began to slip from your face, “Does it matter who I am?”

His grip tightened, “Of course it does. Because you’re not a bad person. Let me help you, please. Just tell me something. Anything.” His voice turned pleading, and he lifted a hand from your shoulder, like he was going to cup your cheek. 

You’re not a bad person.

Fire blazed within you again, protective and destructive. This was too close. He was getting too close. You had to stop it, now. You had to get away. 

You reached up, grabbing his wrist and using the element of surprise to slam him against the wall behind him, pinning his wrist there and then your blade was at his neck, dull light glinting off of it, “Back off. You can’t help me. I’m not some broken doll to add to your ragtag collection.” Your own breathing was ragged, coming in sharp pants as the room started to spin. 

The Mandalorian flinched, like you’d hit a nerve and his free hand moved. Bingo. 

Yes, you thought, almost begged, Punch me. Fight me, please. 

But he didn’t. He just curled his fingers around your wrist and pushed you away, dislodging your knife and knocking you back a few steps. Like you were weak.

You couldn’t do this, he was starting to slip through the cracks that were forming in you. He was looking at you, seeing you. He always had, from the moment you were nothing but hunter and prey, he knew exactly how to get through your intricately woven net of silver-tongued quips and cocky arrogance. 

No. 

Your voice cracked, echoes of the dark beast’s laughter in your ears “No! Stop pushing me away, stop taking it. Fight me!!” You surged for him again, your hands curling into fists, slamming against the beskar plates again and again. 

You didn’t care that it hurt, that it made pain explode across your knuckles. 

You liked it, you liked the pain. Deserved that and so much more. 

And the Mandalorian… just stood there. He shook his head, just slightly, “No.” He stood there as you hammered your fists against his chest, even when you started to kick him. Just watched as your eyes became glassier, your punches harder but less accurate. 

Why wasn’t he fighting you? 

Your hazy mind began to overwork, searching for something, anything to provoke him, “Why? You don’t want to fight a girl? Too proud are you?” You slammed your knee into his, pulled at the armour plates, honed your pain and fury into him but he just absorbed it. “You’re as weak as I am, you’re running too. You’re the hypocrite, Mandalorian, not me.” Your words were stilted, made no sense as you spat out words as cruel as you could, just needing to provoke him. 

Nothing did. Nothing. There was no noise in the cargo hold but the sounds of the people outside, beeping, the dull thud of your fists, your spiteful words and your own ragged breathing. 

And the whispering in your head that had turned into a full-on symphony of bitter taunts and sniping truths. It rose with memories, flashes of your dead parents, the battered bodies of those that had tried to help you, people who had been caught in the cross-hairs of your life. Innocent people that had turned into nothing more than collateral damage. 

Blood had started to smear on the beskar, your knuckles splitting open with the repeated impact. You could hear Duru meowing, Grogu gurgling in worry but you didn’t care. 

The beast and its army rose, tasting the scent of blood and bringing you visions of the future, of the Mandalorian, dead on the ground. The blood from your fists turned into his own, painting the ground red. Duru, fur soaked in scarlet and Grogu, his tiny little body broken on the floor in a pool. 

And above them, you stood, soaked in the blood of these three. Relishing in the pain and torture that you had caused. You could taste their blood. 

The room began to spin further, the whispering detonated into a roar and it unleashed a heavy roiling cloud within you. It choked you, squeezed fists around your lungs, clouded your eyes and snuck into your head. It whispered to you, such cruel taunts, sucking out the deepest, most vile thoughts you had about yourself and spat them back out, combined with these visions of the future. It leeched the energy out of you and with a choked sob, your knees gave way. 

Duru let out a yowl of concern, springing off of the cargo box. 

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be confident, or strong. I can’t be brave and cocky, I can’t keep throwing myself into every fight, I can’t run anymore. I can’t do this. I can’t-

And then a pair arms caught you. 

Mando caught you. He didn’t haul you up against him. He didn’t try and pull you up. 

No, he sunk to the floor with you, supporting your weight in his own body, leaning against the wall and letting you collapse against him. 

You froze, your body stiffened as he did. This… people didn’t touch you like this. They didn’t put their arms around you unless they were trying to drag you somewhere. 

You hadn’t been hugged since you were a child, and yet here you were. The Mandalorian was holding you, but loosely. 

Waiting, for your consent. For you to be okay with this. 

And as his gloved hand brushed your back, such a tender warmth broke through you, caressed your pain and you couldn’t resist. You sunk into him, the last saps of energy leaving you as tears flooded your cheeks. The armour was hard, digging into you a little bit, but the feeling of just being held was more than enough. 

He wrapped his arms around you, coaxing you against his chest. His legs were either side of you, one stretched out on the floor and the other resting up to support your back. Distantly, you were aware of four clawed feet padding over your lap, Duru settling into the space between you and Mando’s arm. 

The armour disguised the frantic beating of his heart, your tears and shaking of your body held the trembling of his own hands, but he didn’t mention it. Didn’t mention the fact that this was the first time he had held someone like this that wasn’t the kid… since he was a child himself. He was just as starved of touch as you, even more so because he had no skin-to-skin contact either. He could feel your warmth through the fabric of his clothes that weren’t covered, could feel the weight of you leaning into him. 

He didn’t speak, just held you in the dimness of the cargo hold, keeping you together as you fell apart, kept the promise of death away, just as you had done for him. 

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[yhs-silly]

Hang on there buddy #2

Trigger warnings: suicide mentions, character death, murder mention, ghost s, self harm, self harm mention

After another week or two, people began to notice how Grian was getting; he stopped joking around with Sam and Taurtis, he just sat quietly during class, he never really ate much- Chan had even spread a rumour that she’d seen him drinking from a bottle of wine in the bathroom at lunch, no one was sure if it was real or not as Grian refused to comment. In all honesty he figured he could use it to cope, he didn’t mind the taste, though it was a little bitter. The real reason he drank it was he thought it could help him cope, it was what his mother had used after all, his father used something else but they didn’t sell vodka nor whiskey in the store, so wine it was.

Grian kept up the cutting, as soon as his money had been transfered he went straight out and bought a pack of razors. The cuts got longer and deeper but he cried a little less everytime. He felt like he was coping at least a little when he did this, the fresh cuts hiding just under his sleeves reminding him just how much of a terrible person he was and how he shouldn’t do anything to display his emotions- he simply didn’t deserve them. Sometimes this mentality meant he felt guilt whilst cutting, like it was only a plea for attention and not a way to cope, but he pushed those thoughts out of his mind when the steel made contact with his flesh.

But that wasn’t the only change happening, when Grian moved into the apartment, they told him that there were only two beds but he was fine with it, he didn’t mind the sofa.

That wasn’t the issue he had with living with those two.

Grian was no stranger to emotions, that was obvious. But positive ones always seemed to elude him, lately though, he’d been feeling very warm and fuzzy around his friends. He hated that feeling, he didn’t deserve to be happy, he simply didn’t.

Then it happened, he realised what he was feeling. Sam had started cooking, just small things like savory muffins and omelettes, veggie burgers and the like but Grian and Taurtis always enjoyed them, even if they were bad. He was currently making some strawberry pancakes using Yuki’s recipe, Grian could smell it as soon as he woke up, Taurtis hadn’t woken up yet so Grian was just sat there, playing with his hands and breathing through the pain coming from his arms. He watched Sam lazily, the rabbit had the radio on and Grian couldn’t help but smile at how Sam’s left ear bobbed to the beat, twitching up and down in time.

Grian didn’t even realise he’d been humming along to the radio until Taurtis walked in and sat next to him, yawning and leaning against him. “Nice humming there G.” He chuckled a little before getting comfy, his head resting against Grian’s shoulder. Grian felt his face heat up and his heart both swell and drop, he liked them. He realised with that awful sinking feeling setting in, he had a crush on them, his two best friends in the worlds and he was here acting like a creep. He felt awful, these were his friends, he wasn’t supposed to like them, he felt like a pervert for simply looking at them.

Grian sat in class a few hours later, staring out of the window, he was remembering being small, he used to sit on his aunts lap and tell her all about his cool idea and thoughts. He remembered how Gareth was there sometimes, the poor guy always tried to talk to him, to play with him, but Grian didn’t like him, he always smelled of smoke and he was so sappy and boring to be around. Any normal kid would avoid him, Grian knew that- he just wished he at least tried to make the guys life a little easier. He wished he hadn’t drove the man to suicide, he didn’t know how to fully grasp what he’d done and he didn’t want to think about it- he’d start crying, and he didn’t want to cry in the middle of class.

Then there was the fact that he’d developed feelings for his best friends, or maybe it was just his desperate desire for validation that fooled him into become in love with the first people to show him kindness, maybe it was just him being dramatic. He was straight after all, he wasn’t gay whatsoever, sure he dated Ellen and they happened to not be female but that wasn’t really Grian’s fault- or maybe it was and he was just being an assuming bigot? He really didn’t know and his mind felt like it was messing with him, he watched a little bird fly around outside the window for a few moments, just letting his mind wander like that.

“Grian? Grian are you listening?” Okamis voice rang in Grians ears harshly, tearing him from his thoughts and back into the classroom. He jolted up in his seat, slightly embarrassed that he was called out. He looked up at her with an awkward smile, it was clear that Okami was waiting for him to say something. “Uhmm…”

“You weren’t listening were you Grian?” Okami sighed when Grian shook his head in shame, walking back up to the board. “I asked you what the primary colour set are.”

“Oh!” Grian perked at that question, he knew that- he’d been educated with the upperclass for the first six years of his life, are was taught excessively. “It’s magenta, yellow and cyan.” He rolled his eyes at everyone snickering and saying that he’s wrong, he knew he was right- he might be worthless but at least he knew his damn colours.

Okami smiled and went on the explain how he was right, Grian couldn’t help but smile at that. That was until he realised why Okami was teaching art- she wasn’t normally the art teacher.

Jane used to be the art teacher, she used to teach art and english. No wonder those subjects were ones Grian loved so much, his dear aunt was the one that influenced him the most.

A few hours later, Grian sat on the school roof, it was late at night, maybe the morning- he was unsure. He looked down to the pavement bellow, if he fell then he could die. Dying sounded pretty good for him, he didn’t want to bother anyone- Sam and Taurtis had offered to let him sleep on their sofa but after catching feelings he really didn’t want to trouble them. He’d caused everyone enough pain anyway, moving in would just hinder them more. He caused the death of one of their teachers and now he was crushing on them, he’s better off not living with them. Poor miss Okami has to cover the lessons of two teachers now, not just her own. Grian had never felt guilt like that before, it felt like thousands of eyes were glaring at him- bearing down on him like a layer of water with the texture of a blanket and the weight of a world. He hoped no one could see the pain he was in, he’d hate to appear weak in any way.

He could see a lot from up here, he could see the yakuza going about their business in the town. They looked so small from where he sat, he felt strangely safe up here. The ghosts that haunted the school, Gareth and Salex, Gareth avoided him for good reason- Grian couldn’t blame him but he did wish he could tell him how sorry he is. Salex sometimes joined him on the roof, he supposed she felt a duty of care- Grian was friends with her boyfriend after all. He hated the way she looked at him, with pity, she never spoke of him and always sat a distance away- like she was scared of getting too close.

“Please say something…” Grian muttered, glancing back at Salex who’d been watching him in silence for quite a while now. She merely lowered her gaze in response, not even gracing him with a single word. He sighed and turned back to watching the yakuza, Yuki’s father owns it- that he knew. Yuki was a sweet girl, a little troubled but who isn’t these days- at least she has a good reason. Grian grew up in high society, sure he might not have been given as much attention as he probably needed and maybe he run away at age seven but they had found him again at eight. He’d had such a good life, one that most people would kill for. Yet he’d still driven a man to death, he really was a monster- there was something horribly wrong with him and his friends didn’t deserve to be around him, they deserved better.

It was then that Salex decided to speak for the first time. “Poor boy, blinded by guilt, unable to see his friends and instead wallowing in selfish grief…” She wasn’t speaking to him but about him, he could hear her whispers from over where he was sitting- it wasn’t her fault that a ghosts voice isn’t masked by the wind. Grian had to agree that he was selfish, he must be so selfish she’s right. But he doesn’t know how else to feel, the only thing he really felt strongly these days was guilt. Other emotions felt weak and hollow, he could be laughing one moment and empty the next. He never forced a laugh nor a smile but he always felt they were fake.

“Do you hate me Salex? Do you hate me for who I like?” He turned to face the ghost, his tone was slightly confrontational but even though he hated himself for liking his friends it was the only thing he was currently sure of.

Salex looked at him, her ghostly features portraying surprise. “I don’t hate you anymore then I do Chan for dating him or Yuki for killing me.”

Grian sighed and frowned. “That doesn’t answer my-” His eyes widened as he processed her last question. “Yuki killed you!!?” He couldn’t believe he’d been privy to such information, that freudian slip gave him so much insight into Yuki’s life. He scooted closer to her along the side of the roof and leaned forward towards her. “Did she mean to? Was it murder or did she just make a mistake??” He stared at her with wide eyes.

Salex blinked at him, shaking her head in disappointment as she faded away. “You stupid boy, focus on yourself, stay away from other people before you get hurt- they don’t need you butting in.”

She left Grian feeling worse then before, he didn’t really know how to feel but bad. He wished Salex had stayed silent, he felt like he would’ve been better without her input. He looked back down at the edge, maybe he should jump? He felt the world would be better without him.

But he was angry now, Salex was so rude to him. If he died now it would only grant her the satisfaction, he refused to do that. He took his hoodie off and balled it up to act as a pillow, he pulled a blanket from his backpack and wrapped himself in it, laying down to sleep. He counted himself lucky to get such a good view of the stars to sleep under.

[lilousmustaches]

Mad world

Summary: (Season 7) Reader is the one to struggle with Lucifer's hallucinations instead of Sammy. Althought the brothers didn't have the bunker back in that time, i opted to write the story like they already had it, because it was easier. Dean and Sam x sister!reader.

Warnings: Angst!!!!!!!! Self Harm, hallucinations, Lucifer in reader's head, hospitals, suicide attempt(?), harassment.

Notes: Hey guys! Another one for you! This is really dark, so please don't read it if this trigger you. I had this idea for a really long time now and it's finally ready! I hope you guys like it.... Feedback is always appreciated <3 

p.s1: I made Lucifer with this behave towards the reader because in the series Lucifer said once that "Sam was his bitch, in every sense of the word"

p.s2: Please follow @realdiepie @insomniaacs, thanks for the help!

You breathed out, tired.

So fucking tired.

"You know." He started to talk again, sitting in the chair of your writing desk, playing with your pencil. "I could help you relax... If you know what I mean. You seem pretty tired."

"And whose fault is that?" You said, not having any strength even to curse him for insinuating that you should sleep together.

"You know how to make me disappear, (y/n)." Lucifer said smirking getting up the chair and sitting by your side at the bed. "I'm starting to think that you want me around." He whispered by your ear making you go to the edge. You desperately opened your bedside drawer, searching for your razor. When you finally found it, you immediately opened a new wound in your left forearm listening to Lucifer's laugh. You closed your eyes, breathing heavily and making another cut, this time, feeling the blood coming out. This was real. This pain was real. He wasn't.

You were fucking out of the cage. Lucifer wasn't real.

You opened your eyes again and, to your relief, didn't see him anywhere around. Silence, finally. You laid comfortably on your bed and went into a deep sleep after feeling quiet tears fall down your face. He had won. Again.

xXxXxXxXx

"Hey sis, how are you feeling?" Dean asked right away when you entered the bunker kitchen. He and Sam were in the dinner table, eating their breakfasts and having coffee. For the past couple of months, seeing you come out of your room for breakfast had been something rare.

"I'm okay." You said your usual answer, getting an apple before sitting down next to Sam. Dean was about to hand you a mug but he interrupted himself before he could finish the act. You used to love coffee. But now you hated everything that made you stay awake. Satan himself was enough.

"Look, I think I found a case." Sam started showing the screen of a laptop. "It's a few towns away, and since you have been feeling better, I thought we could distract ourselves with some work."

"I think it would be great! For all of us! What do you say (Y/N)?" Dean said faking excitement and you allowed yourself to give him a little smile. Your brothers were always trying to help you, to make you feel better. To save* you.

"Hmm, yeah, I'm in." You said smiling and they copied your action.

"Oh man, I do hope it's a vampire! No, better, a werewolf. I'm totally #teamjacob." A voice you knew pretty well said, quoting twilight, and you lifted your eyes only to find Lucifer sitting in your balcony, behind Dean. You sighed. It had taken him long enough.

"I think it may be a werewolf." Sam said thinking aloud, reading the article in his computer.

"Yes!" Lucifer celebrated. "Although you look more like a #teamedward kind of girl."

"(Y/N?)" Dean called making you snap out of your trance to look at your older brother, who was waving his hands in front of your face trying to make you focus on him.

"Hm?" You said like nothing had happened, making your brothers share a suspicious look.

"I was saying that you should go pack." Dean repeated slowly.

"Oh yeah! Meet you guys at the garage in twenty." You said getting out of the chair and leaving the kitchen, in time to hear what the boys said when they thought you were gone.

"She's hiding something Sammy, I don't think she got better at all." Dean whisper-shouted to his younger brother.

"But she's sleeping now, Dean. She stopped shouting at the walls and, yeah, she may still be zoning out every once in a while, but she's so much better. Especially after you did that hand thing with her." Sam explained and there was some seconds of silence.

"I don't know, man. I still think there is something she's not telling us." Dean concluded making you sigh. If you told them what was helping you sleep....

You, (Y/N) Winchester, for some reason, were Lucifer's vessel in the earth. After things had gone sour, you’d ended up trapped in Lucifer's cage with him and the archangel, Michael. It had been hell, multiplied by a thousand. But your brothers and Castiel had found a way to bring you back. They always did. So long story short, you’d snapped. When you remembered all the torture they’d done to you in that cage, you’d simply snapped. You started to have an imaginary friend, but not a very friendly one. Lucifer. He was in your head, making you see things, hear things, do things.

In the beginning, you were the very definition of crazy. You were always crying, shouting at him, running around grabbing knifes and guns to defend yourself, when in reality, he was in your head. Your brothers, of course, went mad with you. They were really worried and doing everything they could to help you. One day, when you started to fire your gun at the Bunker walls, Dean came to recue.

Flashback On

"Hey!" Dean shouted feeling his heart beat fast in his chest. It literally hurt him to see his little sister that way. "It's me, (Y/N). It's me, sweetheart, Dean, your big brother. Who makes you the best sandwiches, who calms you down after a nightmare, who you can't get enough of teasing."

"HOW WOULD I KNOW!" You cried, trembling pointing your gun at him. "Lucifer made this before. YOU'RE NOT REAL!"

"Listen to me." Dean said growing more desperate when he saw you were getting more out of control. He was slowly approaching you and when he saw that it was safe, with one movement he got the gun from your grip and squeezed your injured hand hard. You got the cuts when you fell over some glass shards, back when your hallucinations had started.

"You're hurting me!" You cried more, trying to get away from him.

"Listen to me, (Y/N)!" Dean shouted, squeezing it more and making you yelp in pain. "This is real, do you understand me? This pain is real. I'm real. Lucifer is not. It's your head playing tricks on you." Dean explained and you curiously looked at your hand, which was now bleeding, and looked around noticing that Lucifer was gone. That it was just you and Dean in the room.

"See? You're okay." Dean said, testing the waters, making you look at his preoccupied eyes.

"Dean..." You broke down in sobs, immediately feeling his arms around you, hugging you strongly.

"It's me, sweetheart." Dean said in relief, rubbing your back. "You're okay, little sis, you're okay."

Flashback off

And ‘the hand thing’, which was what you had decided to call that certain occurrence, worked well in the beginning. But your hand was healing and every time he appeared, you needed to be in more pain to make Lucifer go away. That's when you started to self harm. But it was getting out of control. Your forearm was full with new scars. You hated doing that to yourself, especially when you knew that was exactly what he wanted, but it was the only way to make Lucifer go.

"Oh, it's gonna be so exciting! I'm dying to see if you still can fight with me around." Lucifer said with a devious smile, sitting in your bed, watching you take some clothes from your wardrobe. "I may sing you a song even. You know, sounds effects."

"Shut up." You simply said, throwing your clothes into your bag as he laughed.

"Make me." He said with a malicious smile, making you sigh. "In your own way, I promise!" He continued throwing his hands in the air like he was surrendering. "You can make another one of those pretty little cuts in your left arm or, the option I believe is much more pleasurable for us both, you can kiss me."

"I do believe we can have a quickie before the big bros come looking for you." Lucifer said and you closed your eyes, tired. You couldn't handle this. Not anymore.

"You're in my head." You mumbled tiredly, still with your eyes closed and now sitting on your chair. "You're not real."

"You sure, (Y/N)? Like, really?" He teased. "You mean that all those things I did to you back in the cage, it didn't feel real? You saw what I'm capable of, sweetie, you know that it’s perfectly possible for me to be here in this room with you, right now."

"Stop!" You begged trying to press your self harm scars to feel pain. It didn't work.

"Now, you’re gonna have to do more than that, if you want me gone." Lucifer said shrugging. "Deep down, you know what you have to do." He said, doing the shape of a gun with his hand and pretending that he was shooting himself.

"(Y/N)!" You heard Sam's voice and a soft knock on your door. After simply saying "come in", you saw Sam's face appearing inside your bedroom.

"Oh, big bro number 2 is here." Lucifer said throwing his head back like he was annoyed. "I said we had time for a quickie."

"Hey..." Sam said with his small smile, sitting on the edge of your bed to be face to face with you.

"We're already leaving?" You asked.

"Here's the deal, Dean called some hunter friends we have that were closer to the city to handle the case." Sam said and you frowned.

"What, why?" You asked, disappointed. Occupying your head with work actually could turn out to be a good thing, instead of being closed up in the Bunker with your two brothers and Satan. "You don’t think I can handle it?"

"No, no, that’s not it..." Sam started, placing his hand on your knee before sighing and looking away. "It’s just that we thought that you may need a little more time to heal, that's all."

"But I'm better." You tried convincing him.

"Tsc, tsc, lying to your brother, (Y/N)." Lucifer started shaking his head. "Bad little girl."

"I know you are, sis, but we just want to make sure you’re a hundred percent healthy, otherwise you may get hurt outside." Sam explained.

"It looks like he’s upsetting you. Relax, I can help you with that." Lucifer said getting up from where he was sitting and walking around Sam, making you gulp. You were trying so hard to show your brothers that you were getting better. "Let's play with fire." He said, and instantly your big brother's body was in flames. You tried to suppress the terrified gasp and to keep your eyes from widening, but it was almost impossible, and Sam noticed right away.

"What is it?" Sam asked seeing you look at him strangely. "(Y/N), he's here, isn't he?" He concluded, not even having to say the name. "Relax, whatever it is that he's making you see, it's not true. I'm okay, you're okay."

"Sa-Sammy." You stuttered and he pulled you to his lap, hugging you strongly.

After Sam calmed you down a little bit, he left your room so you could sleep a little more since it was still morning, and found Dean walking down the hall, probably going to his room.

"And?" Dean asked hopefully but sighed when he saw Sam's face, already imagining the talk you had with him.

"You were right." Sam admitted, fighting his own tears. "(Y/N) didn't get better at all."

xXxXxXxXx

"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad." Lucifer sang from the top of his lungs, making you cringe. "The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had!"

"You know, I really liked this song. Before you." You said and exhaled, starting to think that you would explode if this didn't stop soon. The day went by with you relatively okay. Dean made you watch a series with him, and it actually managed to distract you from Lucifer a little bit, but it was during the night that it really got worse.

"Why? Don't you like it in my version?" Lucifer teased and you rolled your eyes. "I can play it in the guitar if you want." He suggested. You watched him get down from your writing desk and lay next to you on your bed, making you hold your breath and feel shivers running down your body. "Or I can whisper it in your ear, I know you would love it." He said already whispering, his mouth dangerously close to your ear. "Why won’t you admit it? You love this as much as I do, (Y/N), you’re just too scared to say it out loud. That you, the little Winchester, are craving the devil himself."

"I can't fight you anymore." You said I’m defeat, wiping your tears with the back of your hand. "I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself anymore. I look at my brothers and i know that they don't recognize me anymore. I feel like I’m disappearing and I can't do anything about it. I don't have the strength to do it. I just can't fight you anymore."

"Then don't." Lucifer simply said and you frowned while looking at him, still wiping away some tears. He looked serious, yet anxious and excited for something to happen. He was enjoying this.

He had won. Again. And he knew it.

You sat in your bed and slowly opened your drawer, quickly finding your razor. You breathed out, looking almost curiously at your wrist, full of scars. You started with two small ones, which usually was enough to make him go away.

"More, (Y/N)." Lucifer said with an evil smile, still by your side. He was a hallucination, but you swore you could feel the warmth of his body. "Today you’re gonna need more if you want me gone."

XxXxXxXxX

"We need to do something about it." Sam said, anguished with the whole situation in which the Winchester family found itself. He didn’t recognize you anymore, and it hurt him so much. "I really thought she was getting better..."

"(Y/N)'s good at hiding her feelings." Dean answered, taking one more sip of his whiskey.

"Well, she's a Winchester, what did you expect?" Sam replied with irony. "Maybe we can go to professionals... Like, real professionals. A psychologist or something like that."

"Oh, yeah? And say what? 'Hey, so my sister broke a wall in her head that was separating her from her memories when she got locked up in the devil's cage. Can you fix it?'" Dean said full of sarcasm. The truth was that he was the most preoccupied, and he was feeling so useless because he just couldn't find something to help you. He felt like he was failing his sister.

"Not like that, Dean, but I'm sure that..." Sam interrupted himself. "Did you hear that?"

"What?" Dean asked, oblivious.

"SHUT UP!" They both heard it loud and clear this time, your screams. They shared a look before getting out of their chairs and running to your room. Dean opened your door and went in first, none of them ready for what they saw.

You, sitting on your bed crying desperately, with two bloody arms.

"(Y/N), stop!" Dean said scared, running to your side to get the razor from your hand. You looked up at him, terrified. "Oh my god, what did you do, sweetheart?"

"Dean, c'mon, we need to get her to the hospital." Sam said after the initial shock, and Dean nodded, getting out of the room with you in his arms.

XxXxXxXx

The drive to the hospital was hell. Sam went with you in the backseat of the Impala, trying to stop the blood from dripping down your forearms, and crying with you. Dean didn't think there had been a moment more difficult to drive than this one. You were hysterical. You were crying and screaming so hard, so loud and desperately that your brothers thought they would have nightmares about it for a long time.

They both were sitting at the hospital waiting room, quietly and with blood on their clothes. Your blood.

"Dean..." Sam started quietly, still afraid of talking.

"Hmm?" Dean hummed in response, looking at the ground.

"Do you think she’s going to be okay?" Sam asked hesitantly and listened to his brother sigh.

"At this point I don't really know, Sammy." Dean said sincerely. "You know... I did this to her."

"What? Dean, no..."

"No, but I did." Dean admitted with a bitter smile, biting his lip to stop the tears. "I did the hand thing with her, and she thought that she had to hurt herself to stop the hallucinations. She just found something more effective than the hand squeezing."

"Dean...." Sam said, struggling to find something to say, but he saw Dean's point. "You thought it was helping her, I thought it too. She's going to be okay, I know she will."

They sat in silence again until a nurse came to find them.

"Sam and Dean Winchester?" She asked and they nodded. "You can see your sister now, she's stable. But... In the psychiatric ward."

They shared a look before standing up and following her. It was three floors up. They went past a few doors, seeing people staring at walls, screaming at the nurses and talking to themselves, before she indicated your room. Sam knew that they wouldn't let you go, and it hurt him to think that you were going to spend the next few days there alone.

You were sitting on your bed in white clothes, with bandages around your wrists.

"Hey, sweetheart...." Dean said in a soft voice, one that Sam knew he only used with you. "You gave us a hell of a scare."

"Lucifer pushed me to edge." You said with a whimper. "I should have died." You didn’t dare to look them in the eyes.

"Wha—don't you ever say something like that again, (y/n)!" Dean said and Sam immediately stepped forward, before it turned into an argument. He knew that his brother was mad at himself for letting all of this happen to you.

"Darling, I imagined that it has been hell for you. Your screams, they were..." Sam said, wanting to cry just from the memory of it, and you finally lifted your head to look at them. "Desperate." He breathed out. "But you need to trust us. We will find a way for you to get better, I promise you."

"I-I'm sorry that I tried to hide it from you." You admitted, playing with the sheets until Dean held your hand. "I really wanted to get better, and... I thought that I could live with it. I mean, the self-harming was working..." You said and Dean closed his eyes, not wanting to remember the moment he saw you cutting yourself. He just couldn't believe that this shit was his fault. "But Lucifer pushed me to the edge yesterday."

"I'm sorry that I even came up with that idea, little sis." Dean said, feeling his eyes water. "I should never have suggested something so... Brutal and irresponsible." He said and you gave him a small and sad smile, curling into his lap to give him a hug.

"I love you Dean-o. The hand thing was working, but my hand started to heal, and..." You breathed out, coming back to your old place in the bed. "Anyways, sorry for being such a burden to you guys. I know you’re just trying to help me but end up running in circles"

"You would never be a burden to us, (Y/N). Never. I love you, sis," Sam assured you, hugging you. "We can't take you with us right now, but we are not giving up on you. We will find something to heal you. "

"I promise you, my little girl." Dean said, feeling a knot form in his throat before giving you another hug, already seeing the nurse waiting by the door and indicating that their time was over. "My sweet little girl, I love you so much, (y/n)."

"I love you guys." You said starting to cry again, finding it hard to watch them leave. "Please don't forget me here." You said glancing at Lucifer, who was looking at you with a smirk from the corner of the room.

"Never." Sam said, leaving the room after Dean, and they both started to sob as they watched the door close behind them, leaving you alone and already talking to the walls.

It was in fact, a mad world.

Tagging: @esoltis280 @sympathyforluci @smoothdogsgirl @helloangelicaaaaa @sleepylunarwolf @atc74 @spnbaby-67 @mrs-dragneel-stark-solo @weirdoblogger69 @eater-of-hopes-and-dreams 

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[racingtoaredlight]

THE DEGENERATE’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL TV WATCH ‘EM UPS 2021: WEEK THREE: THE END OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END

We’re still really in the early middle of the year. Sure, Oregon looked powerful against Ohio State but it’s possible Ohio State just hasn’t found it’s footing yet and the Ducks just peaked. Shit happens like that every year, more or less. You can pretty much count on Bama to win 10 and not much else. That only applies to football. The continued stratification of social classes, the accelerating collapse of natural systems that support human life, the complete lack of representation the average American in our freedom loving democracy- you can count on those things. Football is different, though: wilder but more ordered while somehow being better and stupider than real life all at the same time. It’ll be fun to all more or less die together, I think. So let’s get to the games!

I forget the business reason for having more major OOC games that actually stay on the schedule but we’re reaping the rewards for now. You know the rules: eastern times, average vegas odds at the time of writing, prediction abilities are bad on a good day, there’s supposed to be a weekly RTARLsman post but I haven’t done a real one in about 21 months, formatting errors up to and including listing the teams incorrectly aren’t worth pointing out because nobody’s coming to fix them anyway. I don’t expect professionalism out of you so don’t ask it out of me.

Saturday, September 18

Matchup                      Time (ET)        TV/Mobile

NIU at 25 Michigan     12:00pm            BTN

It’s easy to say Michigan is due for a self-inflicted dick kick the trick is to predict ahead of time when exactly the embarrassing, season-unraveling loss will come. I don’t think it’s today but I also don’t have a lot of faith in Michigan to cover a 27-point spread.

UAlbany at Syracuse     12:00pm        ACCN

I find it hard to believe Albany’s football program is in such disrepair that they don’t even warrant a line against Syracuse. I think we’ve had five 1AA-over 1A upsets so far this season. I couldn’t possibly watch this game but I’ll keep an eye out for it on the ticker. Syracuse is bad enough to lose anywhere to anybody.

  Tennessee Tech at Tennessee   12:00pm    ESPN+/SECN+

I should probably find a site that lists the good games at the top of each time slot instead of this free for all.

Western Michigan at Pitt     12:00pm    RSN/ESPN3

Pitt has actually looked pretty good so far but they don’t have an AP ranking yet. I can’t say much for this matchup so I just assume the Panthers cover the -14.5 and get a little number next to their name next week.

15 Virginia Tech at West Virginia     12:00pm    FS1

This is actually of some interest to me. Virginia Tech is ranked 15 on account of beating UNC but it’s not hard to imagine that neither the Hokies nor the Heels are actually worthy of a ranking. WFV is favored at home but still might trigger some couch burning and “upset” talk with a win. The Mountaineers are this week’s new collection from Homefield Apparel so expect some magic!

Boston College at Temple        12:00pm     ESPNU

Old Big East rivalry game. Nobody can look away.

Chattanooga at Kentucky         12:00pm     ESPN+/SECN+

I thought Chattanooga had moved up to 1A but there’s no line listed for this game so I guess not.

8 Cincinnati at Indiana           12:00pm            ESPN

Indiana was good last year and maybe that was just a once-in-a-generation fluke but I’ve still got visions of the Hoosiers toppling Cincy and ruining their theoretically possible playoff run. I’m assuming the Bearcats won’t play anybody else better than IU this year but that’s just a guess backed by historical precedent which isn’t a thing you should really use to gamble on college football.

16 Coastal Carolina at Buffalo    12:00pm      ESPN2

Chanticleers vs. Bulls, the eternal struggle writ in football. I don’t think the CSUNY school is particularly good this year but Coastal being favorited by 14 points in an early kickoff road games still feels like a trap to this sharp.

Michigan State at 24 Miami (FL)     12:00pm    ABC

Surprisingly to me, this is the fifth all-time meeting of these two schools. Just as surprising to me, Miami has never before lost to Michigan State. Weird but makes sense if you think about it, this will be the fourth out of five matchups played in Miami. As near as I can tell, Sparty tried to use the Canes the same way Notre Dame used to as an in-season bowl game but bailed on the idea when they kept losing. To be fair, Sparty’s record in bowl games isn’t that much better than their 0-4 against Miami. The last time these two met was 1989 when Percy Snow was on his way to the Butkus Award and Miami was on their way to a third National Championship. The Hurricanes team was pretty well-stacked but is probably the least remembered of their title teams. It did feature future Hall of Famer Cortez Kennedy and a freshman OL that would go on to be September 2021′s hottest head coach in cfb, Mario Cristobal. This year’s Miami roster might look good in 30 years but right now they’re a little messy. D’Eriq King is only 8 months removed from ACL surgery (if you watch the game you will hear about this several hundred time) and has so far looked bad on his throws and a touch slower than he has in the past. Which makes sense given the timeframe but does not generally bode well for Miami’s prospects for this season.

Nebraska at 3 Oklahoma         12:00pm         FOX

If Oklahoma is a real title contender they are gonna lay Nebraska the fuck out. I’m scared of the 22.5-point line just because I don’t think the Sooners defense could stop Bishop Sycamore but it’s not crazy to think Nebraska can saw their own dicks off to the tune of a four-score loss.

New Mexico at 7 Texas A&M     12:00pm       SECN

Fuck. Jimbo must be stopped. I hate this Aggies team. UNM isn’t the team to do it but somebody along the way has to throttle aTm or this season is going to become a plague the likes of which we haven’t seen since... well, now, I guess.

UConn at Army                 12:00pm         CBSSN

Reading this matchup aloud five times in a mirror will kill college football.

Southeast Missouri at Missouri      12:00pm       ESPN+/SECN+

The southeastern part of the state will travel to within the bounds of the state for a classic football game somewhere within the borders of the state.

Minnesota at Colorado            1:00pm         P12N

I’m not completely disinterested. It’s weird and doesn’t have any national impact. Not much more you can ask for in a game you probably can’t find on your TV.

Nevada at Kansas State          2:05pm          ESPN+

Hell yeah, this is trash. Nevada is a road favorite! Take KState all the way.

Purdue at 12 Notre Dame         2:30pm          NBC

Notre Dame has looked a little bit of a mess so far but they’ve won both of their games. Not the worst position to be in. Purdue has also won both of their games. I don’t want to get my hopes up just yet but it seems like the Irish are riding the razor’s edge just asking to be pushed off. Keep an eye on this score, maybe the good people of the world will have something to celebrate in the late afternoon/early evening.

Kent State at 5 Iowa                 3:30pm         BTN

Iowa’s fifth? It’s too fucking early for this shit.

Florida State at Wake Forest     3:30pm         ESPN

0-2 Florida State goes on the road as a 4-point underdog to face 2-0 Wake Forest. Mike Norvell is really out on a plank right now and I am not sure he can safely find his way back to the deck.

Georgia Tech at 6 Clemson        3:30pm          ABC

Clemson’s got talent all over and Georgia Tech sucks but I’m still not sold on DJ Uigalelei as an NFL savior type of player. Or a national championship winner for that matter. He reminds me of EJ Manuel.

Baylor at Kansas                    3:30pm             ESPN+

Baylor is not good but the betting public is getting hip to the “bet against Kansas every chance you get” strategy so the line has jumped four points already this week and I wouldn’t be surprised if it makes it another couple before kickoff to get to 20+. Which is still probably too kind to the Jayhawks.

1 Alabama at 11 Florida           3:30pm           CBS

Bama has only had a couple of practice games against lower division opponents but they look as complete as any team I can remember from a talent/scheme perspective. This is a pretty good test and the 15-point line seems a little over-confident on the road in the Swamp. If the Bammers really do overwhelm the Gators then you can pretty much start planning on their return to the CFB Playoffs.

Tulsa at 9 Ohio State                3:30pm            FS1

Every week of every year I struggle to keep Tulsa and Toledo straight. Toledo is the one that almost beat Notre Dame last week. Tulsa is the one that lost to UC-Davis in week 1. Ohio State may be troubled on defense but that only matters against other top-tier teams. Having the line moving in Tulsa’s direction is absolute lunacy. If the Buckeyes can’t cover 25 points then they’re in real trouble. For now my guess is that Oregon is just better than we realized and OSU is going to be fine.

SMU at Louisiana Tech             3:30pm         CBSSN

This is my kind of counter-programming if nothing else is close. Not sure if there are some ponies down to have points shifting towards the Karl Malones but I think SMU is up to a two-score win.

LIU at Miami (Ohio)                    3:30pm          ESPN+

Sure, whatever you say.

USC at Washington State         3:30pm            FOX

At first I thought this was USC-UW and I was ready to emotionally invest in the drama but it’s just Wazzou. USC giving up on a playoff spot in week two to sit around and wait for Urban Meyer is going to be fucking hilarious when the Trojans end up getting jilted at the altar.

Idaho at Oregon State                3:30pm           P12N Oregon

Pac-12 Network Oregon. This implies the existence of a P12N Washington. I’ve seen the main network on TV before. It was fine if a little bit too “featuring Matt Leinart” for my tastes but seeing the weird way they’ve splintered their content is giving me a deeper understanding of west coast football fans that absolutely hate the Pac-12 Network.

Bryant at Akron                           3:30pm           ESPN3

Tune in to see some guy named Bryant touring around Akron.

Elon at Appalachian State          3:30pm           ESPN+

I hope App State runs this grifter out of their campus on a rail. The more bad stuff happens to Elon Musk the better off all of humanity will be.

Delaware at Rutgers                   3:30pm             BTN

Fuck me, this is just all the pain in the world masquerading as a sporting event.

Eastern Michigan at UMass         3:30pm          FloFootball/NESN+

I don’t have much interest in this game but seeing that it’s available on the Nintendo Entertainment System Network is intriguing.

Colorado State at Toledo              4:00pm           ESPNU

Toledo blew a huge opportunity last week so they’re ripe for a letdown but all signs point to Colorado State being incredibly bad at football this year.

Sacramento State at California    4:00pm          P12N Bay Area

P12N Bay Area probably reaches cable subscribers in like Vallejo and nowhere else in the entire world. When I put it that way it seems like exactly where this game belongs but it’s still not a thing that should exist. I mean the network but it’s true for the game also.

Northwestern at Duke              4:00pm              ACCN

Disgusting.

Mississippi State at Memphis        4:00pm          ESPN2

I think Memphis can knock down the SEC’s middle tier but I haven’t gotten a clear idea of either of these teams yet.

Georgia Southern at 20 Arkansas       4:00pm      SECN

Arkansas rose up last week because of the weird insistence by Lice Dad that playing a middling Texas team was the biggest game in school history. Arkansas has played in the SEC CG more than once. They’ve won a national championship. How does a guy that’s paid to be an SEC homer even make such a dumb statement and keep his job?

Ball State at Wyoming                  4:00pm             Stadium

I watched the CFB 150 episode about the Black 14 this week so now it’s all I can think about for Wyoming football.

Arkansas State at Washington       4:15pm            P12N

What the hell happened to UDub to fall back to this lowly spot? Did Chris Peterson just fall on his ass in recruiting?

Murray State at Bowling Green       5:00pm           ESPN3

This sounds like a sixties movie title for a spy agency thriller that could be mistaken for a comedy when not viewed through a then-contemporary lens.

East Carolina at Marshall                 6:00pm         Facebook

ECU is looking like a doormat and Marshall might be really good again but I would never in good conscience ever contribute to facebook’s good fortunes wittingly.

Fordham at Florida Atlantic             6:00pm             ESPN3

I want to love this game but I actually hate it.

Old Dominion at Liberty                    6:00pm           ESPN3

There is going to be so much COVID passed around this stadium.

Middle Tennessee at UTSA                6:00pm          ESPN+

Beautiful, horrible, unwatchable mess. This is where you go to feel like you are alone in the universe.

Troy at Southern Miss                        7:00pm             ESPN+

There’s also this.

Grambling State at Houston               7:00pm             ESPN+

And this one.

Utah at San Diego State                      7:00pm            CBSSN

This is real entertainment. Twitter will be all over the next listing so I’ll be FOMO’d into watching that for a while but SDSU-Utah on CBS SN might be where I first dreamt up the concept of degenerate football. It was either that or a UFL game featuring a QB duel between Daunte Culpepper and Jeff Garcia.

South Carolina at 2 Georgia               7:00pm             ESPN

I’m waiting for Georgia to bumble. I’m counting on it. Georgia-Clemson was a classic early season game that somehow helps both teams in the rankings all year but ends up actually being a showcase of how shitty their offense are rather than a referendum on great defense.

UIW at Texas State                             7:00pm              ESPN3

I think UIW is a union trade school or something. So I guess I’m rooting for them.

Charlotte at Georgia State                 7:00pm              ESPN+

Charlotte’s semester in Atlanta would shape her life in ways that nobody could have envisioned when she left her family’s home in the late summer following her failed attempt to run a bakeshop.

FIU at Texas Tech                              7:00pm             ESPN+

Maybe I actually hate college football.

Florida A&M at USF                           7:00pm             ESPN+

USF could lose this. Worth checking on if you see an upset alert.

Furman at NC State                          7:30pm            RSN/ESPN3

Body bag game.

Utah State at Air Force                     7:30pm             FS2

Kind of neat degenerate game but, depending on the uniform choices, could be a bit monotone and tough to follow.

Virginia at 21 North Carolina             7:30pm             ACCN

The South’s Oldest Rivalry! Like most of the previous 125 meetings of these two school’s, this year’s game will mainly decide who sucks worse. Of course in the ACC Coastal being slightly less bad than your opponents is the winningest strategy of all. Go Hoos!

Stony Brook at 4 Oregon                   7:30pm            P12N

Great scheduling to follow up an emotional game with a body bag. I’m not being facetious, this is right where you need these games.

UAB at North Texas                          7:30pm           Stadium

Not gonna open an app or whatever to watch this but I bet it’s fun for off-brand college football.

Central Michigan at LSU                  7:30pm             SECN

LSU at home at night is supposed to be the best atmosphere in college football. Way better than a 19.5-point line against Central Michigan. What stage of LSU’s life cycle are we in right now?

22 Auburn at 10 Penn State               7:30pm            ABC

War goddamn Eagle, baby. Penn State is doing that stupid white out thing which, correct if I’m wrong again, only goes for the people in the stands. So they’ll all be dressed up in pretty much Auburn’s road colors to watch Auburn. I hate Auburn but I really hate Penn State.

Alcorn State at South Alabama          8:00pm           ESPN3

Things are looking rough for the rest of the docket.

Rice at Texas                                      8:00pm            LHN

A battle of equals.

Stanford at Vanderbilt                        8:00pm           ESPNU

Look at this American aristocracy horse shit. Fuck these schools and the teams of horses that carried them in.

Tulane at 17 Mississippi                      8:00pm              ESPN2

The racist south may just have the nation’s best QB. It’s a good year for Matt Corral to show off his arm strength because 2022 is not looking like a bumper crop of QB draftees at this far off date. He’s small for the position but Kyler Murray, Baker Mayfield and Russell Wilson are all smaller. If the arm talent is real he could go #1 overall.

Jackson State at ULM                         8:00pm              ESPN3

Nope.

SC State at New Mexico State            8:00pm           FloFootball / CW El Paso

Sorry.

Oklahoma State at Boise State              9:00pm          FS1

Whoa whoa whoa. This is uniform heaven. And on the blue turf? Your eyes will burn. Embrace that feeling.

Northern Arizona at Arizona                  10:00pm          P12N AZ

P12N AZ. Holy shit. What the hell were these people thinking? This has to be the smallest demo ever targeted by a network.

19 Arizona State at 23 BYU                     10:15pm          ESPN

Seeing these teams face off as ranked opponents is very weird. Real late 80s vibe here. It’s titillating in its way. Might not even be the most fun game in the late night region.

14 Iowa State at UNLV                           10:30pm           CBSSN

UNLV is an absolute wasteland of a program. It’s kind of stupid, really. They aren’t in an unsellable spot and they don’t play the most rugged schedule but year after year after year they lose 9 or more games. Makes more sense than not having a good baseball program but there should be some G5 magic in Vegas. Iowa State is going to roll.

Fresno State at 13 UCLA                       10:45pm            P12N

Chip Kelly having UCLA as the premier program in L.A. is something I couldn’t have seen coming just last week but we’re there now. And Fresno State plays some wild offense that could/should make this the late night hangout spot. If you can find it. If you have this channel. That shouldn’t be a question! Fuckin’ a, Pac-12, what are you doing?

San Jose State at Hawaii                      12:30am            FS1

Technically a Sunday game but I cut the header because if you’re watching this there is an implicit understanding that it’s still Saturday. Not sure what’s going on with the kick time, though. I was under the impression that Hawaii games had to kick off by 11:59pm Eastern to count with the rest of the week’s games. Very odd. That’s really all I have to say about this game.

[lupinepariah]

Why I’m Otherkin

This is going to be very trigger-y so... to be forewarned is to have four arms, yeah? Wonderful. So, let’s rap.

My mother died last week.

Amongst most of my family I’m the “know-it-all ass-burgers r-word.” I object to this as I really don’t know a lot and I don’t know how I’d weigh my intelligence. If pressed, I’d likely say that I’m not very smart as admitting to intellect makes me feel guilty. I don’t know why. Why do they do it, then? It’s because I have a strong propensity for being right.

You see, I have a strong propensity for doing something they never do. Thinking.

My mother is the only one in my family I’ve ever cared about. I admit, we’re a little distant but I did love her and I cared for her, I never wanted her to suffer. A friend of the family had a mother die not long before my mother died and they wouldn’t listen to me for the aforementioned reason, I wanted to tell their mother about an experimental treatment that was at least worth trying. No no, I’m just talking out of my arse.

That’s how it often is. I don’t think it’s especially difficult to not be stupid? You just have to think first. Is there really so much difficulty in that? I mean... I recall not so long ago when I was screaming at “medical professionals” to stop faecal transplant tests. There’s so much stuff we can’t screen for well and all you’d need is the combination of a superbug and a compromised immune system for people to start dying. It had to happen for them to stop, of course. They did it until people died for exactly that reason.

No one wants to listen to an r-word with ass-burgers.

What frustrates me with my mother though is that the solution to keeping her alive was so simple.

She started new medication recently. It turns out everyone in my family was told about this except for myself, which is dandy. The first thing I advise anyone to do is to check the side effects to make sure that there aren’t any co-morbid effects with any other drugs they might be on, or any instigators of underlying health problems they might have. Fat chance. My family got my mother popping meds without even bothering to read the documentation that came with them.

The first thing I do with anyone is tell them to check the side effects. Always check the side effects. Always check the side effects.

The truth is? I have loads of life experiences like this. I’ve been abused in every way you can imagine. I’ve been through the ringer. Physical, mental, sexual, emotional, and everything else. No matter what could happen to me these days, I’ve felt worse. That’s why the situation with my mother just leaves me feeling cold and angry, and little else.

The truth is is that my experiences with human beings that actually want to be human beings is that they can be monsters. I admit that this isn’t all of them, I’m sure it can’t be, but it is true for the vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast, vast... you get the point, the vast majority. They’re monsters.

I was raised by dogs due to parents that were either neglectful or abusive. The dogs died because of abuse, missed vaccines, or other reasons... they were replaced with other dogs because it was the only thing that kept me sane. After all, you have to keep up appearances and make it look like it’s the problmeatic child’s fault rather than the alcoholic, violent, dysfunctional parents. Isn’t that always the way of it? Very relateable, yes?

The truth is is that I’ve had so many bad experiences that I... I don’t feel like I’m a good fit with this species. I’m too kind. I’m too considerate. I think before I act. I actually care. I help people even if they’ve hurt me so, so badly that all I feel for them is hatred. All I want for anyone is to not have to suffer as I do. So while most humans look like monsters to me, I don’t want them to suffer.

This gives one a... unique outlook on life.

As a coping mechanism I started thinking of myself as, well, not human. It helped. It helped so much. And over time I became mentally healthy, even well-adjusted, I’m certainly a lot less angry these days. I even have a partner! They’re non-binary and they’re absolutely lovely, I couldn’t ask for a better partner, so very supportive, creative, and clever. And then my mother died.

It’s hard not to feel set back by it. I feel like I’m teetering on a razor’s edge. I feel that the only way I can cling to my sanity is by more deeply embracing these very strong feelings I have of not being human. The human species—so overly obsessed with itself—brings me great shame. I feel shame and pain that I’m to share this species until the day I die, in body if not in heart and mind.

There’s an autistic community called Wrong Planet because it’s not unusual for autistic people to feel this way. It’s just that for some of us the alienation is so much more profound and extreme than it is for others. We feel it so deeply that we could never be “human,” not in the sense that most would understand that word. I mean, we could certainly never be normal and we’d never want to. It’s a horrible word, isn’t it? Normal. It suggests a binary state where one is the innate default and correct, whereas the other isn’t. How could that be anything other than pathological by design?

Being Otherkin is my coping mechanism.

It isn’t spiritual. I’m not an animal. I don’t have an animal living inside of me. I don’t have an animal spirit. I just really want to be something other than human, thanks.

So I think of myself as a lycanthrope. I’ve an imaginary support dragon who’s there when I’m alone and I have to handle things myself. It’s only by the merit of these two factors that I stay sane. If I had to think of myself as human, if I lost my support dragon, I’d be bouncing off the walls and chewing the furniture to pieces because I’d have no means to handle all of the unimaginably awful things that had been done to me, all of the suffering I’d endured.

No matter how bad something makes me feel, I’ve felt worse. I could only really go up and Otherkin was my way up. It’s a comfort, a small one in a world so bent on destroying itself as this one is. I mean, depletion of the rainforests and a huge hole in the ozone layer and people are still breeding like bunny rabbits. This is what scientists refer to as The Great Filter. Frankly, if not for SARS-CoV-2, humanity likely would’ve gone extinct within the next century.

I feel that SARS-CoV-2 has given the human species a chance to pull back from the brink.

It’s funny because I’ll never know anything other than hatred. I know that. It’s almost impossible for an Otherkin like myself to find any allies other than fellow Otherkin. I mean, I tried to reach out to trans people and they thought I was a meme created to hurt them because that’s what the Alt-Right very successfully brainwashed them into believing. So much for that, right?

I don’t hate trans people for this. That’d be stupid. They’re suffering too. No, I get that they were hacked and it’s not their fault. If you aren’t acting with full agency then you can’t really be blamed.

Every time something happens though that keys into my personal support mechanism I can’t help but latch onto it. I feel included, for once. It’s actually really nice to feel included. This is why I’ve been fixated upon Guild Wars 2 and why it’s been so important to me. I’ve been getting very clingy with it since my mother died because I love being charr and there may just be a good therapy dragon in the latest content. I’d love that.

If ArenaNet wants to do something for one person who’s suffered way too much? Don’t make Jormag evil. I’d really appreciate that. It’s going to hurt like hell if they are. I hate it when dragons always have to be evil because I’m Otherkin. I love dragons.

It’s a perspective thing, yeah?

I don’t really know how to explain it. I don’t think you’d really be able to understand without having gone through decades of torture and abuse. It just shifts your perspective. If I were to show you a picture of five scantily clad humans facing off against a dragon, you’d know for certain that it’s a depiction of heroes versus an evil draconic beast. What I see, however, is a bunch of thieves, burglars, and freebooters looking to slaughter an innocent dragon so they can steal the poor thing’s belongings. The dragon? They’re a mother protecting a clutch of newborn children.

Dragons don’t look like monsters to me. Humans do, though.

That’s unlikely to ever change. I hurt too much for it to.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I hate humans or anything. I don’t really have it in me to hate anyone as that would mean I’d have to want someone to suffer and enjoy it, which I couldn’t. I’d vomit. I’m as diametrically opposed to suffering as anyone could be. I’m really sick of how forced to suffer so many of us are already. It’s just that I can’t look at a human now and not at first see a monster because I have so much trauma to deal with and work through.

So, yeah. I’m Otherkin. It helps. It helps a lot. I love werewolves, dragons, robots, aliens, sapient fungi, and lots of other non-human stuff. It’s great. Sadly, humans being innately narcissistic tend to demonise anything unfamiliar to them, the human species has been doing that since the dawn of time with factors as trivial as skin colour or the shape of one’s nose. It’s tiresome. That’s why whenever something is special enough to have truly non-human entities as forces of genuine kindness opposed to suffering? It wins my heart.

I feel in love with Aurene in Guild Wars 2 for that reason. I feel that that game has been part of my ongoing therapy. I... do worry about being hurt by how they handle Jormag but I do hope. I really do.

So, yeah. That’s why I’m Otherkin. That’s the long and short of it. if you aren’t? I don’t hate you. It’s just that if we met, you’d probably want to hurt me. That tends to be how it goes. I don’t find comfort in the presence of humans. I do find much comfort though in the dreams of being a werewolf protected within a dragon’s shadow. That’s about the only way I can be healthy.

[my-emotional-self]

Let Me Protect You

Pairings: Chris Evans x OFC Emilia

Chapter: One

Words: 1,745

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Swearing

Trigger Warning: Self-Harm

Summary: After Emilia’s fiance cheats on her, she moves to California to live with her brother Eric, who just so happens to be good friends with Chris Evans. Follow Emilia and her roller coaster life through heartbreak, love and emotional trauma.  Will Emilia choose to let Chris into her heart, or will she remain broken and alone forever?

A/N: There is not much dialogue in this chapter, as we are still diving into Emilia a little bit more.  I can’t promise this is any good as it is only  my first chapter of a fanfic series! But I promise to do my best.

 The open road. Nothing but your thoughts and some music to keep you company for the 28 hour drive ahead of you.  Maybe not the best idea after only find out your fiancé cheated on you two days earlier.  You probably should have given yourself more time to calm down and gather yourself, but you being the stubborn woman you were, knew you had to get out as soon as possible.  Through therapy sessions growing up, you were told you were sensitive, as if you didn’t know that.  Coming to terms with being sensitive to emotions was hard, seeing as your family always judged you for being too sensitive growing up.  Hey, you couldn’t help the way you were born right?  At least you were able to feel emotions on a deeper connection than others.  But that was also the very downside of it too.  

2 Days Earlier

“Emilia, how is my baby sister doing?” my brother Eric asks over the phone.

“Not so g..good” I tried and miserably failed to say.  The tears and sobbing making my voice shake.  

“Hey Em, what’s wrong?” I heard the concern etched in his voice.  

“Charlie has been cheating on me, for months apparently”.  My heart breaking even more as I come to realize how true it becomes, just saying those words out loud.  

“Fuck Emilia, I’m so sorry to hear that.  I always thought Charlie was a douche bag.  He’s lucky I’m not there right now.  He wouldn’t be able to see through his eyes how much he fucked up after I would have beaten him”.

“Thanks Eric, I knew I could count on you to stand behind me.  You have always been there for me when I needed you.  I just wish you were here with me right now.  I could really use one of your famous hugs right now”.  A small chuckle falls from my lips, but it was something nonetheless.   I didn’t know how long it would be before I gave a genuine laugh or smile again.  

“Hey listen, I have an idea Em.  Why don’t you move out here with me?  I���m all alone in this house.  Hell, you can have the guest house if you want.  You need to get away and make a fresh start.  Why not start all over in a new city, a new state?” he mentioned, with hope in his tone.  

You sit and ponder his idea for a few minutes.  You really didn’t have anything tying you down here.  Your father remarried many years ago and you were never really close to your extended family.  You have always been the black sheep of your family.  Shopping at Hot Topic and wearing black more times than anything. You weren’t a Goth or anything of that sort, you just liked the color black, and skulls, a lot.  While you had never gone to visit your brother yet (seeing as he had only been out there a little over a year) he did send you videos and pictures of his house.  Let’s just say, he is doing well for himself.  You knew he was a publicist for a celebrity, but you never bothered to ask him, as you weren’t one for gossip and didn’t want to intrude into his life.

“You know what, fuck it, I’m moving to LA” you said with a smile.

Chris P.O.V

Eric and I were playing Call of Duty at his house when he got a phone call.  From the moment he picked up the phone, I knew it was his sister Emilia on the other end.  He talks about her just the way I talk about my siblings.  Eric and I have been pretty good buddies ever since he moved out here and became Frank Grillo’s publicist.  I met Eric at party for Marvel cast members because Frank had brought him.  We hit it off pretty fast, having a lot in common. He talked about how much he missed his sister, and I could relate to that.  Sure I see Scott more often than not since he lives out here in LA, but I miss my sisters like crazy.  We just both understand that sibling bond.  

He didn’t get up and leave when he took the call, so I heard pretty much all of it.  I didn’t even know Emilia and my heart broke for her. No person deserves to be cheated on. I perked up when I heard Eric ask her to move out here and live with him.  I knew it would make him ecstatic to have his younger sister out here.

When he got off the phone, he was grinning like the Cheshire cat.

“I don’t even know what to ask.  The start of the phone call didn’t sound too good, but your smile says something different” I said with a laugh.

“He is such a fucking asshole.  I swear man, if I was there when this shit happened, I would be in jail right now. I knew that guy was no good, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt”.

“I’m sorry bud; I know how much your sister means to you.  I wouldn’t even know how to handle that situation if something like that happened to Carly or Shanna”.

“Yeah, but at least I convinced her to move out here with me.  She’s had so much shit happen to her the last few months, she really needs to just start over, start fresh.  She’s going to drive here in two days with as much stuff as she can fit in her Jeep. My dad will ship anything else she needs.”

“Something tells me there is more you want to say about all of this” I say with my eyebrows raised and a suspicious smirk on my lips.  

“She is a huge fan of you dude!  It started out as her being a fan of the Captain America comics, and she geeked out pretty bad when it was announced they were making movies.  Ever since you put on the Cap suit, she’s been your fan.  I’m hoping that will be a big step in cheering her up when she gets out here”.

“You didn’t tell her that you know me, after all these months?  Isn’t she going to get mad at you for not saying anything?”

“Now that you mention it, I really hope she doesn’t get mad at me.  Look, it will be good for her to get out, meet new people, even though some of them will be celebrities.  I think she will be alright.  She will be here by Wednesday afternoon or evening, and then she can meet you and everyone else at the party here on Friday night”.

Emilia’s P.O.V

Blaring the radio, I sing to Sia’s “Elastic Heart” as I’m driving down the highway.  It’s the end of September and it is starting to get cooler out.  Autumn has always been my favorite season.  The colors on the leaves are beautiful, the air is crisp, and the weather is perfect for a pair of jeans and hoodie.  I’m excited to start my new adventure in Los Angeles, but at the same time, I’m terrified.  I’ll be in LA, where actors, actresses, and models live and work.  I feel like yet again, I will never be able to fit in.  I’m not necessarily overweight, but I’m not skinny by any means.  Standing at five feet five inches, and wearing a size 12, I am considered below the average size now for women in America.  But I will still stand out like a sore thumb around most people there.  I have always loved dying my hair, hating the natural hair color I had.  Right now, I have red hair, with black peekaboo on the bottom.  

Shaking my head from my thoughts, I stop at a hotel in Denver to stretch my aching limbs and stay the night. If I get up early enough tomorrow, I will make it to my brothers by tomorrow in the early evening.  I will be able to start my life over, and forget about my past.

Getting up to my room, the only thing I can think about is taking a hot shower to sooth my muscles from sitting for so long.  As I take off my shirt, I look down at the raised skin on my left wrist.  Combing my fingers over the skin, it brings back memories. I started cutting myself when I was in the 8th grade.  Masking my emotions for so long took a toll on me.  I needed to find a way to think of anything, anything but my emotions. The first thing that came to mind was pain.  Being able to concentrate on the pain helped my mind ease.  My father was not an emotional person; he didn’t really care to hear about my emotional problems.  Growing up, I resented him for that.  But now, I understand where he was coming from.  It’s the way he was raised, and after my mother passed, he was a single father raising two young children.  I forgave him, and that is all that matters.  But the cutting became an addiction, one that I was never fully able to stop.  Sure, I had gone months, sometimes a year or two without doing it.  But it was always there as a release for me.  

As the hot water runs down my body, relaxing my muscles, I can’t help but think that this is all my fault. Everything is usually my fault.  I’m stubborn, who would want to put up with me. I feel as if I will be alone forever. Maybe that is not such a bad thing though.  

I don’t want to put my problems onto my brother when I get there, so I do the only thing I know will help release some of my emotions.  I grab my razor that I keep stashed away in a side pocket of my purse. As I sit at the edge of the bed, with my towel wrapped around me, I slice a few lines into my left wrist and watched as the blood bubbles up to the surface of my skin.  I sit there for a few minutes and just take in the pain, as I feel my emotions slipping farther away.  

I clean myself up, brush my hair and teeth, and jump into bed.  I set my alarm for early the next morning, and drift off to a dreamless sleep. 

Tag List: @evansfanficweekly

[headstrongblake-a]

Five times cried ( idk, angst its the best i got )

SEND “FIVE TIMES ______ED” FOR A DRABBLE OF 5 DIFFERENT TIMES OUR CHARACTERS DID THAT. | status; selectively accepting - @faultedleader

they gotta go under a read more though cause, damn i got carried away.

letters from home

1. it has to be lincoln’s fault. when she thought of what her big brother would do come graduation she always assumed college. fun. some time to finally act like the eighteen year old he was but she never imagined he’d come home to tell mom and her that they two men had enlisted in the army. at first she’s angry. he tells them and mom wanders stumbles towards bellamy before she wraps her arms around his frame and tells him how proud she is. what a good man. a good soldier. at their mother’s last words, octavia stomps up the staircase, leaving the two alone in the living room. time passes and she ignores his gentle knocks on her door. ignores his pleas for her to come out of her room. her once brightly lit room succumbs to darkness as the sun sets and octavia hears her mother chatter with another outside her window until eventually the whole house falls silent. she continues to sit with her knees tucked against her chest, back pressed against her bedroom door when her ears perk up at the sound of his footsteps heading to his room. how could he do this? the thought has been turning in her mind and finally as she gets to her feet she’s ready to ask him. throwing open her bedroom door she goes across the hall, not bothering to knock before she barges into his room. “what’s wrong with you!” she demands, arms coming to cross over her chest. “how — how can you leave me?” it’s selfish, but he’s always been there. she’s angry, vibrating even when his eyes come to meet hers. that’s when she loses it. the tears that have welled in her eyes begin to fall. too quick for her to harshly brush them away. “it’s supposed to be you and me – it’s always been you and me against the whole world and now you’re just going to leave me here?” her head shakes, voice losing to her sobs as she moves further into his room. “w —what am i — i supposed t – to do without you, you can’t leave me bell, what if you get hurt, what if you die over there and i never see you again?” 

2. she’s nervous and her fingernails reflect it. fox had to take octavia’s hand in hers to stop her from completely chewing on her nails until they bled as they wait near the gate bellamy and lincoln’s should be coming out of any minute. they’re not kids anymore. by now the girls have graduated and it feels like it’s been too damn long since she’s seen her brother. octavia spent weeks rereading the letter bellamy had sent her. the one that stated it was time and they would be back at the end of the month. she can still see the image of her tackling fox to the ground in a hug, screaming he’s coming home! they’re coming home! octavia’s head snaps up when a warm voice comes over the PA, announcing that bellamy’s plane was beginning to deboard. by now she can’t stop the shakes in her hands and knees as she waits, emerald hues searching for the familiar freckled face as other soldier’s begin trickling in. her grip on fox’s hand only tightens as her heart begins to beat rapidly in her chest. come on, bell, come on. she pulls her bottom lip between her teeth when she takes one step forward, as if that one step might make it so she can see him more easily. where are you? where are you? eyes continue to search for him until…there! she doesn’t even realize she’s let go of her best friend's hand and is dogging her way through the crowd until her body slams full force into her brother. she doesn’t notice the tears that have begun to blur her vision as arms wrap around his neck. hands tightly dig into his uniform as if someone might try to take him from her again. “i love you, big brother.” she whispers, head resting against his as the tears come pouring down her cheeks. 

broken inside with no place to go; there’s nobody home

3. octavia, group therapy is very vital to your recovery and we can’t keep giving you the benefits without any of the work. that catches her attention. causes her to look up from the floor as dead eyes settle on her therapist. octavia knows the benefits doctor griffin refers to is the luxury of having her brother here. three visits a week. it’s not nearly enough time for her considering bellamy’s only home for a month but she’ll take whatever she can get. even if that means a family therapy session between the blake family and her doctor. abby wasn’t overly thrilled when bellamy was the only one to step through the doorway earlier and octavia wasn’t paying close enough attention to the excuse aurora had given her brother. but it didn’t bother the younger blake. she didn’t need aurora. “what you want me to say?” octavia asks finally, breaking the silence as she tucks her knees against her chest on the sofa in abby’s office. she’s always hard during these times. refusing to give abby barely an inch. well, maybe let’s start with your childhood, tell me what that was like – or if you feel up to it, we can all talk about the last couple years, must be quite a change at home with bellamy’s absence. her jaw clenches. the younger sibling in her ready to jump to her big brother’s defence. she hated the way her doctor spoke – making it seem like all her problems could have easily been solved had bellamy stayed. as if it were that simple. normally, she can bite down the urge. smother the need to jump to his defence when it’s just patient and doctor sitting in these four walls. but this time with bellamy beside her, hues narrow towards the doctor. “sure, love to.” her tone drips with bitterness as she rolls her shoulders back, sitting up straighter. “so what, you wanna know about how my brother’s been my parent longer than i can even remember? how bellamy’s been the only good thing we got going on in this family?” she hesitates, eyes shifting towards him beside her. it’s not untrue. he was a hero. her hero. there wasn’t anyone who could tell octavia differently. “or you wanna start with my mother – i could tell you about the time she took off for so long that bell started forging her signatures on my school forms, y’know so no one notices she had disappeared again, so social services wouldn’t separate us.” octavia explains casually with a lift of her shoulders, as if this was the most normal thing she knew. “or sure, let’s talk about when bellamy had to go – when i made the mistake of asking aurora if she could tell me about my dad, school project – some family tree shit,” her head shakes, hues shifting back towards her doctor. “she slapped me so hard i thought her hand print was gonna be there forever – didn’t go to school for a few days after that one.” the look on her doctor’s face shows the disapproval – must not have been what she had in mind for their group therapy session. but octavia’s tired. so sick of everyone looking at her brother like he was some sort of trigger for her. “maybe, you actually wanna fucking listen to the time i woke up in my room with aurora’s hands around my neck – when she tried her hardest to squeeze all the life out of me,” it’s been three months but even now as the words flow past her lips it’s like she’s back in her dark bedroom. the panic and fear rises in her. tears well in her eyes for the scared little girl her mother tried to murder. the tears that prick her eyes bring about her anger as she gets to her feet. it’s not unusual for voices to be raised during session with abby. that one hour with her was always emotional for patients. except maybe louis. “or maybe,” her voice grows louder, a single tear rolls down her face. “maybe we should talk about the time i woke up in a haze with my mom’s body pinning me to the ground, feeling every single bit of pain the razor made against my arm but unable to stop any of it!” this time as her words stop the tears continue to flow. leaving tracks on her cheeks as she realizes she’s said too much. swallowing hard she pushes her hair out of her face. “i’m done – i want to go back to my room.” she finishes, unable to look her brother in the eye.

i won’t let anything happen to you; separated

4. she can’t help it when the sobs erupt from her lips. nightmares bring out the fear in her. the loneliness however is what causes her tears. it’s not as if the skybox is new to her. it’s been two years since she last saw her father before being locked away for a crime she’s still unsure of. it’s then she hears the soothing voice coming from the cell beside her. they’re supposed to be asleep. not supposed to talk to the people beside them and yet after two years, the boy beside her is still trying to calm her fears. even if it meant he could be punished. “w-what if he just didn’t love me anymore?” she asks, bringing the worn out blanket with her as she settles herself in the corner where she can hear the other boy the most. maybe she never committed a crime at all. her father simply didn’t want her – better to get rid of her now before she became more of a hassle as she grew older. “do you think —” she starts, sniffling quietly as her gaze casts downwards. “do you think that’s why i never had a mommy, she didn’t want me either?” aurora asks, her voice feeling smaller than ever before.

i was born for this - azgeda au

5. “bellamy, bellamy!” octavia screams calling out for her brother, emerald hues flashing open. she awakens with a sharp gasp in, immediately sitting up with a great force. the nightmare had seemed so real. like she was back in the small cell that kept her a prisoner to the queen’s torturous rath. for a few moments she sits on the edge of the medical bed, feet dangling over the side as she tries to steady her breaths. she doesn’t even realize she’d been crying until she hears the light drip as tears meet with the paper covering on the bed. it’s the small sound that allows her to let it all go. she stays quiet -- something that’s been drilled into her since the moment she was born. shh, shh, i won’t let anything bad happen to you octavia, i promise. she’s always been taught to make herself smaller and bellamy’s always been there to make everything better for her. except this time, he can’t. this time he’s at the center of what’s destroying her. who are you -- bellamy you killed everyone! listen, octavia -- our new chancellor pike put lincoln in lock up. she’s so deep in her sorrow and thoughts that she didn’t even notice bellamy had made his way inside med bay. that he was standing in front of her, reaching out to calm her fears. “no!” she shouts, the tears blurring her vision as fingers push at the body in front of her. “you did this.” her head shakes. “you’re a monster.”