#i have had a december surprise every year since 2020

[brostateexam]

Prayer circle for me, please.

Hoping there isn't a December Surprise heading my way just now, because it would completely ruin the tail end of my week if there were.

[marshallpupfan]

I'm about to make yet another lengthy post... easily my longest yet. This time, it's not about the movies or any issues I have with PAW Patrol in its current state. No, it's instead about a problem I've been dealing with... except said problem is less a what and more of a who. I'm sure some of you already know about this, but for those of you that don't, let me tell you about a person who's been a thorn in my side for three years now.

Back in October of 2020, I encountered a user who seemed to be doing the whole Daily Marshall Pics as me. However, I soon discovered they weren't just doing the same thing... they were actually using the exact screenshot I posted, the exact same hashtag, and quite often, the exact same text. They did this for every daily I posted... or just any picture, really. As soon as I'd post something, they'd immediately take it and repost it onto their account. At the time, I didn't know what to do, or if I could do anything.

Cut to around December of the same year, and I decided to make a new winter-themed avatar and banner for my Twitter account. Less than a day later, that user seen I did that and... no joke... took both and applied them to his own account. Suddenly, with him posting the exact same content with the exact same avatar and banner, his account looked exactly like mine. Some people even admitted they thought he WAS me, and a few were starting to get seriously confused. At this point, I started referring to him as my copycat, since anything I'd do or post, he'd do or post it, too.

However, this time, I confronted the user and asked him why he took my new avatar and banner. He claimed he liked them so much, he had to use them. I asked him not to, telling him that I put a lot of work into making something unique for myself, and of course, he got mad... and then, in the same reply, asked me to make something for him. Just to be nice, I made him a banner... to which he offered no gratitude.

He wouldn't change the avatar, so I created myself a new one. Not even a day later, the exact moment he seen it, he took that avatar and applied it to his account, too. Yet again, I confronted him, demanding to know why he'd do that, as well as why he didn't even thank me for making that banner I made for him. He responded by claiming that I "made him cry"... and then quickly asked me to make him an avatar, too. I ignored his request.

Near the middle of December, a pal here on Tumblr messaged me about a concern he had. He made a text post about his plans to start his own daily pics, and that user on Twitter, now on Tumblr, copied and pasted his exact post onto his own account. If he copied all of my posts, he was surely going to do the same to my pal, too. We knew we had to put a stop to this, so we came up with a solution...

On December 18, 2020, I posted my first Daily, with text indicating it was mine. We were both curious to see how that copycat would react once he seen it.

He... didn't take it well.

This was actually his fifth message; he left four other ones, mere minutes apart from each other. When I didn't reply back after ten minutes (yes, ten minutes), he said this to me. Once I seen this, I blocked him, as anyone honestly would. He quickly followed me with some alternate account of his, but I found out it was him and blocked it, too. Afterwards, I figured this was going to be end of it; just another rude, childish person on Twitter, blocked and out of my life...

...right?

Nope. Ever since that day, he's been absolutely furious with me. Even to this day, he's refuses to let it go, and his copycat tendencies and attitude has only grown worse. Ah, but let's not get ahead of ourselves... no, there's more to the story. A lot more...

To say the least, when he left that message above and found out I blocked him, he started bad-mouthing me to many other people. Just about everyone took my side, and much to my surprise, Twitter banned him. At first, that seemed like the end of it again... but nope, he simply created another account not even a half-hour later... and he went back to using my avatar and banner again, because of course.

Less than a month later, another account started following me, this time themed around Chase. Suspiciously, I was one of the first it followed... and one of the first replies they left on my tweets?

"Can you remove your watermarks?"

Gee, I wonder who this might be? I ignored the message, and their third reply was... well, I'm sure you can guess it wasn't friendly.

I blocked this account, too. Again, I hoped this would be the end of it, but of course, it wasn't. You see, the one thing I learned about this user is that he's incredibly lazy. He doesn't want to do things in Photoshop or go hunting for pictures, so he just wants to take everything from me... and the official PAW Patrol account (he constantly reposts their content, too). When I stopped him from doing that, he became hostile. When I refused to remove my watermark, it just made things worse.

I don't have a picture of this, but a few days later, he created yet another account. This time, he pretended to be the "second official PAW Patrol account", using the actual PAW Patrol account's avatar and banner at the time (themed after Moto Pups, if I recall correctly). Naturally, I'm the first one he went to, and he left a reply on my latest daily about how I'm going to get into "trouble" if I don't stop being mean. I tore into him for this, telling him that no one will take his side, Twitter will just ban his account again, and to leave me alone.

He deleted the account less than a day later.

Things remained quiet for some time... or so I thought. From what others told me, he kept trying to get everyone to turn on me, usually by sending private messages to many users in the hopes of getting them to see me as some sort of bully. His plan failed, as nothing ever came out of it. Maybe it has to do with the fact I like trying to be positive and encouraging, and many of my followers have seen that over the years... whereas he's screamed at people for simply putting stickers on their Nintendo Switch. No, seriously... he has.

He kept trying, of course... often asking other users to tell me how "sorry" he was, despite the fact he kept leaving me nasty remarks the very same day. In fact, at one point, the Nick Jr. Twitter account made a post about asking their followers to post pics of their pets, I did so, Nick Jr. replied to me, and he found out and replied to them by saying "DON'T TALK TO HIM HE'S A BULLY HE'S MEAN TO ME!!!!" Needless to say, they ignored him, too.

This continued for a while, and over the following months, new accounts would pop up every now and then, usually based on certain PAW Patrol characters. They were all ran by him, and of course, I was always the first person he came to... and he'd always ask me to create a new avatar and banner for that account, and then he'd get mad when I either said no or ignored him. After so many accounts, I got tired of constantly blocking him, so when he popped up with yet another Marshall-themed account, I decided to just mute it and let him do or say whatever he wanted.

...He didn't take kindly to that, either. A few months later, he exploded into a fit of rage, claiming that I was being a bully by ignoring him. Let me repeat that; by ignoring him, I was being a bully. Oh, for Pete's sake...

A few folks took his side, but once I explained to them what was going on, most of them understood and apologized (trust me, I harbor no ill will against these folks). Once I made another tweet about the situation, I blocked that user yet again, noticing that he was continuing to badmouth me. I think he ended up deleting his account, telling everyone that's what I apparently wanted (I never once said any such thing, but whatever). I crossed my fingers and prayed that this would finally be the end of it all... but of course, it wasn't.

After a while, he came back with yet another account, only this time, he got a little less lazy. He finally decided to learn how to use a photo editing program... and how did he use his new-found skills? Why, to copy me again, of course!

Indeed, his dailies started to look exactly like mine. And yes, once he discovered the name of the font style I was using, he started using that, too. And it's not just a coincidence that he used the same pic...

As I soon realized, if he knew the exact episode I got my daily from, he'd use the same one. He did this at any opportunity he could, even when I posted a daily based on the first theatrical film.

At this point, some of you probably asking... why? Why's he doing this? Why go to such lengths to copy me? The answer is... I really don't know. He just really wants to be me, I guess.

Anyway, around the beginning of 2022, I created a new template for my Daily Marshall Pics. I'm still using that template now. Of course, when he found out, he got upset and started screaming at me again to make one for him (using another newly-created alternate account to get around me blocking him... which I promptly blocked).

What followed over the next year was the situation getting worse and worse. If I did anything of note, he'd create new accounts to voice his displeasure. If he got banned, he'd create a new account and head straight for me. There was a point where I blocked him, he created a new account, I blocked him, he created a new account... and we did this for eight accounts within a single day. I'm dead serious. Of course, his copycat tendencies just got worse, as his new-found skills in editing started leading him to do stuff like this...

Yup, he started covering my watermark with his own to make it seem like he was the one who made the picture. Oh, and it didn't just stop at pictures... nope, he did it with videos, too.

Actually, Twitter banned him for this one... and yes, he created a new account immediately afterwards again, and continued doing and posting the exact same things like it never happened. And I'm the first person he tried following, of course. But hey, at least his dailies don't look like mine anymore, right?

Sigh...

And no, it didn't even stop there. He tried to copy my banner, too.

Yes, his avatar shares similarities with mine, too. Funnily enough, a few users came to my defense and tried to get him to change his Daily template to something different so it would no longer look like mine. Surprisingly, he did change it, and I even gave my approval. I was cool with his new template...

...but I guess it didn't get him the attention he wanted, because he went right back to using something that looks exactly like mine again. He's still using it now, much to my annoyance.

The sad thing is, even if I change my template to something else, he'll just inevitably copy it. If I change my avatar and/or banner, he'll copy them, too. If I do anything, he'll copy it. If my followers come to my defense, report him, and he gets banned... he'll just create another account and continue doing the exact same thing anyway.

Oh, and he once made the claim that he's only doing this because he "doesn't know how to". Yes, he said that. He apparently doesn't know how, yet he sure knows how to cover my watermark with his own... and create a template that looks like mine. Yup, he's a dirty liar, too.

(Back in 2020, I did try to answer a few of his questions, including what editor I use. Once I told him it costs money, he went silent.)

As a reminder, this has been going on for three years.

I've tried ignoring the user, and it does no good. I've confronted him, and it does no good. I've asked him to stop, and it does no good. I've defended myself, and he acts like he's the victim. I ask him to let his anger go and stop, and he tells me I'm the one who needs to let it go and stop. Others have defended me, and he just whines and claims I'm a bully. And all of this is because I blocked him for leaving a rude reply when he lost his patience after ten minutes.

(By the way, someone confronted him about the whole ten minutes thing. He said it didn't matter, that I should've responded right away. I guess I'm supposed to stop everything I'm doing to reply to him...?)

To tell you all the truth, I've tried to be patient. I've tried to be nice... but after three years, I'm sick of it. This person is psychotic. Even when I block him, he keeps a tight eye on everything I do. He's become so obsessed with me, to the point that he's basically a stalker now. He wants to be me, yet he doesn't possess my skills, and that jealousy has turned to sheer bitterness. And whenever someone takes my side, he becomes aggressive, often creating even more alternate accounts to show he's not happy.

And yet, he thinks he's the victim. He's said before he wants me to stop talking about him, yet he continues taking or copying things from me. And again, when I ask him to stop, he refuses. At this point, I suppose he's only doing this now because he feels justified in doing so. I guess he thinks I need to pay for... what, not replying back after ten minutes? For wanting to be credited for my work when I make unique content and post them on my account? For trying to stop him from lazily reposting the things I post for his own gain?

When I started these MarshallPupFan accounts, I thought I was going to post some pics of a cute, cartoon puppy, make people laugh and smile with some videos, and have a fun time. I never expected I'd run into someone so... crazy. Honestly, I don't even care that he's posting daily pics of Marshall. I've seen others do the same, and I've even liked, replied and followed some of them. I enjoy inspiring others to be creative and share their love for their favorite characters... but why use my exact template? Why try to look exactly like me? Why not try to develop an identity for himself, so his account offers something unique? Instead, he constantly wants to bounce off of me, pretend to be me... and when I or anyone else intervenes, he becomes aggressive.

It's pathetic... and it'll probably go on for another year.

I recently created a new avatar for myself. I put a lot of work into making it something truly unique...but I don't know if I want to put it out there, since the moment I do, he'll inevitably copy it. I also updated the visuals for my Episode Updates pics... and as soon as I reveal it, it's only a matter of time before he copies it, too. And of course, if I or anyone else confronts him, he'll whine and get mad... and continue doing what he's always done anyway.

Truth be told, there are so many other examples of his terrible behavior I could post here... such as when he began hounding me on Youtube and screaming at me whenever he seen a comment I left on other PAW Patrol-themed accounts (to the point the owner of the channel had to intervene and tell him to stop... to which he replied "stop what?"). I have so many more stories to tell, but this post is turning out long enough, and I think I've stressed the point quite well.

It sucks that people like him have to exist, and it's so sad that he refuses to let go of a three year grudge, now going onto four. All I know is that it's getting to the point where I'm tired of it. I'm tired of seeing him use my Daily template, tired of him acting like an absolute crybaby when I defend myself, tired of... well, the whole thing. At this point, maybe I need to start fighting back more, because ignoring him sure isn't getting the job done.

If he's going to insist on using my template, then maybe I shouldn't take it so lightly anymore... 🤔

---

Oh, one last thing. You want to see something funny? He has no problem taking stuff from me, but when someone does that to him... that's just wrong! Maybe someone needs to give him a dose of his own medicine more often... perhaps then he'd show more respect to others.

[fluffypichu876]

what's your story with FF and what do you like about it? (<- clueless about this series and intimidated by the number of entries it has)

Heya mutual!! I see that my incesant FF rambling has finally bothered someone, eh? xDDD

My story with Final Fantasy is actually quite recent, as surprising as that may be! It all started with one game that is responsible for introducing many franchises for many of its players like me, none other than Super Smash Bros. Ultimate itself.

I had been playing SSBU pretty much since release, having enjoyed SSB4 on the 3DS, but I never really cared about the one FF character available there at the time: mister Cloud Strife himself (boy wouldn't that change quickly xDD). And I didn't know much about the franchise either, except for very brief knowledge about Kingdom Hearts (a crossover between FF and Disney, yeah don't ask I've always found that strange xD), so I never had much of an incentive to look into it.

Until one faithful day in december of 2020, of course, the day that The Game Awards of that year aired, bringing with it a very unexpected (but very welcome) reveal of a new character that was joining Smash.

THE videogame anime swordfighter himself, Sephiroth.

I didn't actually watch TGA that day (it was pretty late at night here in my country), so I only learned about it the next day. When I watched the trailer, my immediate thought was, no lies, "Hey, isn't that guy from Kingdom Hearts?"

Technically not wrong, he does appear in the first two KH games, but also very wrong lol. I went into Smash's official site and saw there that he came from Final Fantasy VII. Huh.

I didn't pay much mind to it, but I did see many fans' reactions to Seph getting into the game. They seemed to love the guy a lot, given that they recognized it was him the second the first note of his theme started playing in the trailer (tbh if I was a FF7 fan by then I too would recognize him. One-Winged Angel is that damn iconic.) That made me understand that, well, this FF7 must be a very dear game to many.

And then came the memes. Oh boy did the Youtube algorithm enjoy the "Sephiroth gets into smash to torment poor Cloud" memes. I watched so many of these damn memes that it was only a matter of time until I decided to finally check the franchise out. And so I did. I downloaded the 3 FF7 discs on the internet (shhhhh don't tell Square), booted my PSX emulator (previously only used to play SOTN), and started the game for the first time.

I fell in love with it pretty damn fast.

In the first 4 hours in fact.

Now, FF7 is 27 years old. It was one of the first PSX games, so naturally it's outdated as hell. But despite the low-polygon graphics, the pixelated 240p pre-rendered backgrounds, the terrible CGI that would look like an amateur's first animation nowadays, and the obscurity of the game design that led to some confusing mechanics and lots of missable content, the game still manages to hold up quite well through time and I find it to be a very enjoyable experience overall, even nowadays.

The characters, the story, the combat, the very world map, which made Midgar look so tiny and at the same so big, the fucking soundtrack, composed by Nobuo Uematsu, which carries every single emotion you feel in this damn game, making up for the lack of voice-acting and character expressions in a really unique way. All delivered in that charming early 3D videogame fashion. In other words, it's hard to not fall in love with the sheer uniqueness of FF7. Like I did. I couldn't stop playing it.

Right, FF7 rambling done! This game was my first in the franchise, and beating it felt really good back in the day. So good that pretty much instantly I was already looking into another one to play, Final Fantasy 8.

The sheer jump in technology from FF7 to FF8 can impress even a modern player that has seen countless realistic modern games, honestly. It sure did impress me, at least. Seriously, they jumped from this:

To this:

In two fucking years. On the same console.

But anyways, after beating FF8, which I enjoyed a lot (not as much as FF7 though), I jumped into FF9 after a short while. That one quickly became my favorite in the series for multiple reasons, mainly for the characters and their amazing moments in the story.

After a brief hiatus with FF, I played FFX, which immediately jumped into a fight with 9 for the title of favorite FF game in my head xD (I may have to replay both to finally settle that internal debate, honestly) I just loved the combat (and the soundtrack that still makes me cry, wow).

And not long after beating X, the FF brainrot began to naturally cease and finally, it went into a deep slumber...

...until it came back out of nowhere quite recently, as you might have noticed, dear mutual xD. I blame FF7 Rebirth for making everyone talk about the game I love again lol.

And here we are today! Final Fantasy stands out to me for it's uniqueness, really. It's that simple. It follows many of its traditions, but it also breaks and innovates them in pretty much every new title, for better or for worse. Every FF game feels different, each set in its own universe and fictional world, and yet they are the same, familiar enough so that you keep coming back to the franchise every once in a while without feeling lost or overwhelmed.

And yes mutual, I too was confused at first because of ever increasing number of entries xD FF is one hell of an old franchise, dating all the way back to the NES era, and I respect it a lot for not suffering too much stagnation like the majority of old-running game franchises.

My advice for anyone looking to get into FF is too simply pick the one that looks the best for you. Like I mentioned before, the games are rarely interconnected and always take place in different universes, being loosely similar thanks to recurring elements like chocobos, enemies like the cactuar, some classic tracks, character jobs and archetypes, spells like Firaga and Esuna, summons like Shiva and Bahamut, etc. So no matter which game you pick to try out and get a taste of the franchise, if you enjoy it you may be inclined to try more, turning into a vicious cycle of wanting to play more than like 10 games with the same name back-to-back wtf xD.

As for me, recently XV has caught my attention thanks to fucking youtube again jesus christ that damn website is responsible everytime i get insane over a ff game i swear pretty easily, and I will probably end up playing it sooner or later. I like the roadtrip aspect, the friendship and banter between the main characters, as well as the realistic modern setting that basically never happens in FF (Noctis looks so damn normal compared to every other FF protagonist xD. Just look at him in Dissidia NT, man!).

Alright, I think I have typed enough words. Thanks for the ask mutual, I get pretty giddy at every opportunity to scream about Final Fantasy xD.

[liightsout]

the blue - part two

﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎

✯ summary: danny meets adam at a mclaren christmas party. danny and mattie meet ✯

✯ pairing: daniel ricciardo x fem!oc

✯ content warnings: light swearing, alcohol consumption ✯

✯ now playing: 'tis the damn season - taylor swift ✯

✯ series masterlist ✯

﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎

December 2020

Danny stared at the large glass building in front of him debating whether to enter or wait around for someone he vaguely knew to walk in with. 

Like an answered prayer he heard a voice call out through the cold December air. “Mate, what are you doing out here still? It’s fucking freezing”. 

Turning his attention to the now open door he saw his team mate for the next 2 years was standing in front of him. 

Danny knew he was lucky to have Lando as a team mate. Not only was he a good driver, one of the best of the younger generation he’d seen in fact, but he was also immensely easy to get along with. He knew all he had to do was get the younger driver laughing and they’d be fast friends, although he doubted they’d be as close as he and Carlos were. 

He walked towards Lando, shrugging his shoulders and flashing his signature smile at the Brit. He wasn’t going to admit he found himself nervous at the prospect of meeting all of his new team at such a major event. 

Tonight was the Mclaren annual Christmas gala. All of the staff were gathered at MTC for food, drinks and socialsing. Everyone was decked out in their finest clothes and ready to spend the night drinking expensive champagne and toasting to an exciting new year in 2021 with their new driver lineup and promising new car. 

Lando led Danny inside the building, the younger of the two immediately pointing out who everyone was and filling him in on who he should and shouldn’t bother speaking to tonight.

“That’s Linda from HR, you’ll want to avoid her, she can get a bit touchy feely once she’s had a drink or two, and over there by the bar is most of the engineers, come on, I’ll introduce you to them.”

The pair headed for the bar, stopping every few steps for the obligatory handshake and smile at the staff eager to meet the Aussie. 

Danny breathed a sigh of relief as Lando pushed a drink into his hand, not really caring what it was he took a large gulp and turned himself to the curious eyes of his new engineer team. 

After a lot of introductions, bantering back and forth and numerous shots bought for him by the team he started to feel more at ease. 

He found himself thrown into conversation with Lando and one of the engineers, Adam, who he had learned quickly was one of Lando’s friends on the team. The pair were discussing how they needed to meet up for a game of Top Golf before the new season started. 

“How’s Matilda doing with her new job by the way? I know you said she was super busy, I’m surprised you didn’t bring her along with you” Lando asked his friend. 

Adam chuckled, clearly Lando didn’t know Matilda all that well. This event would be her worst nightmare, too many people, too much noise. 

“Yeah good mate, she’s smashing it actually, got loads of clients and making a name for herself, I’m so fucking proud of her. But nah she’s not here, not really her scene, I reckon I might be able to convince her to pick me up later though so I don’t have to pay for an Uber”. 

Adam and Lando laughed, nodding their heads in agreement at the ridiculous prince an Uber from Woking to London would cost. 

“Is that your girlfriend? Matilda?” Danny asked curiously. The question earned a laugh from the Brits in response. 

“He wishes” Lando exclaimed as Adam shook his head at the comment “nah mate, she’s my best friend, been that way since we were kids.” 

“She’s proper fit though Danny. Adam get your phone out and show him before I do” Lando slurred towards the Aussie, his eyes lighting up as he quipped at his friend.

Adam’s hand came out quickly, jokingly pushing his friend in response to the comment. 

“She actually thinks Danny is pretty hot if I’m honest, so you’ve got some competition Lando” Adam bantered back at him.

Danny felt his face flush, feeling immediately grateful for the low lighting covering the light blush gracing the top of his cheeks. He should have been used to this by now. He was no stranger to females finding him attractive, and some not being shy about it, but it didn’t make it any less flattering when it did happen. 

Lando pulled his phone out of his blazer pocket and opened up Instagram, quickly finding the profile he was looking for. Danny’s eyes adjusted as he looked at the screen in front of him. 

Lando was right, she was fit. More than that, she was beautiful. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever actually seen anyone that pretty before. Her beauty felt classic, understated. It was when he heard Lando snort he realised he’d been staring for a little too long at the phone screen before him. He quickly averted his eyes, making a mental note of the username on the screen. 

“Yeah she’s pretty” he spoke the words slowly, attempting to downplay how struck he had been by this girl, not wanting to annoy her best friend, his new engineer. 

Luckily Adam was quite used to his male friends reminding him of how gorgeous his best friend was. In all honesty he found Danny’s attraction to his best friend amusing, knowing that if when he got home he told her of it, she’d never believe him in a million years. 

Adam sensed the Aussie’s nervousness and decided to change the subject. 

“Shots anyone?” 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mattie really didn’t mind living with Adam. The pair had lived together from the minute they’d finished college and gone off to university together, opting to share a flat off campus instead of paying for student accommodation. 

Once they had finished higher education they once again made the decision to move to the outskirts of London together. Neither wishing to attempt to afford London rent on their own. 

She didn’t care that he was sometimes messy. She didn’t moan when he sometimes left the toilet seat up. She barely even noticed when he would neglect to hoover the floor properly when he offered to tidy up the flat. 

She did, however, care when he came home at 3AM drunk as hell making as much noise as a bull in a china shop. This was the exact scenario she found herself in. 

She heard the front door swing open and slam against the radiator a quiet “fuck” echoing out into the quiet flat as he realised how noisy he had been. 

She heard him enter the kitchen and start banging various different pans around, that had once been neatly stacked in the drawer below the stove. She then heard the fridge door swing open and hushed laughter as the sounds of items hitting the tiled floor echoed round the flat. 

Mattie waited patiently through 10 minutes of banging and crashing for the noise to stop. She soon realised it would not be ending any time soon. With a groan she forced herself out of bed and slid her feet into the slippers that were neatly placed by her dresser. 

Swinging the door open she found herself stomping down the hallway and into the open plan kitchen and living room.

“Adam, what the actual fuck are you doing? It’s 3AM and I have a meeting in 5 hours! You promised you’d be quiet when you came home! You’re such a-” the girl stopped dead in her tracks. 

Why the fuck was Daniel Ricciardo standing in her living room smiling at her? 

“Hi there, I’m Danny” the Aussie said with a grin on his face, his hand extending out towards her to shake. 

Danny took this moment to get a good look at the girl who’s picture had been running around in his mind for the last 6 hours. 

There she stood, long brown hair clumsily pulled up into a bun on top of her head, an oversized sweater on her body and short cycling shorts barely covering her legs, a pair of fuzzy slippers on her feet. Not an inch of any makeup on her face, just a frown which was quickly turning into a look of confusion the longer she stared at him. 

“Yep” he thought “definitely pretty”. 

Dumbstruck, Mattie extended her hand towards the man in front of her. Was she dreaming? She wasn’t sure. The moment their hands touched Mattie knew this was not a dream. 

His large warm hand engulfed her much smaller, colder one. His firm grip sent shockwaves up her arm and straight to her heart. She felt as if she had been set on fire. Pulling back her hand quickly she tucked her hands into the pouch of her sweater. 

“I’m Mattie, sorry for shouting, that was really rude of me, I just-” the girl rambled as she searched for the right words to make the situation any less embarrassing. 

“Oh no, no, don’t apologise. Adam didn’t mention he had a roommate, otherwise I would have offered we go back to mine instead of his. We got a cab home together from the gala and we fancied a late night snack, didn’t mean to be so loud and wake you up. I’m really sorry, I feel awful” the Aussie replied. 

“It’s ok, not your fault, it’s typical Adam, he goes a bit dumb once he’s had a couple drinks… speaking of, where is he?” Mattie questioned, her eyes darting around the room looking for her friend. 

“He was about to start making a sandwich, and I won’t lie, I think he heard you coming and ran to hide in his bedroom… look I’ll head out, I don’t want to cause any more of an issue and I feel bad for waking you up” Danny stated looking round the room for his jacket and shoes that had been clumsily discarded once they’d entered the flat. 

“Don’t be silly, it’s so late, or early, whatever you wanna call it. You can crash on the sofa if you like? It’s not exactly the 5 star you might be used to, but it’s comfy enough” the girl offered, grabbing some of the pillows and blankets she had around the room for when she needed to curl up and get comfy. She placed them on the sofa beside them, gesturing for him to make himself at home. 

“Only if you’re sure babe, I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable”. The word slipped off his tongue before he could stop himself. Internally cursing himself he hoped she didn’t notice. A beat of silence passed around the room. Judging from the blush now scattered across her cheeks, she definitely did. 

“Oh urm, yeah, of course it’s fine, anyway, I need to get to sleep. If you see Adam tell him he owes me a muffin from the bakery across the street when he wakes up from his drunken stupor” Mattie joked, growing nervous at the nickname the man before her had used so easily. 

Mattie gave a parting wave and headed back to the sanctuary of her bedroom. Once the door had closed she released the breath she felt she had been holding for the last few minutes. 

Crawling back into bed she felt the anxiety creep in. Mentally replaying the interaction she had just had with Danny in her head over and over again. 

She was going to kill Adam in the morning. 

﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎﹎

✯ authors note: hi hi. on a bit of a roll last few days with writing, let's hope it continues! thank you all for the likes and follows, it honestly makes my day a little brighter when i get the notifications <3 ✯

[day6source]

“We’re back to our seats” DAY6, the first complete group concert in 4 years

by News Reporter Lee Min-ji All photos provided by JYP Entertainment

DAY6 successfully completed their first full-length solo concert in about 4 years. DAY6 held ‘DAY6 Christmas Special Concert ‘The Present: You are My Day’ for three days from December 22nd to 24th at Korea University’s Hwajeong Gymnasium in Seongbuk-gu, Seoul. This performance is the first Christmas special concert in 4 years since 'Christmas Special Concert 'The Present'' in December 2019, and the first full-length concert since 'DAY6 WORLD TOUR 'GRAVITY'' in January 2020. Tickets for all sessions sold out quickly after general reservations opened, and additional seats were also sold out, attracting a total of 20,000 audiences over three days. On the 24th, the last day of the performance, an online paid live broadcast was simultaneously conducted through the Beyond LIVE platform. As it was the time to officially announce the end of their hiatus period after all of their members Sungjin, Young K, Wonpil, and Dowoon were discharged from the military, DAY6 released more than 23 songs for My Day (fandom name), who had been waiting for a long time. They put their sincerity into each stage. The title track of their first full-length album, "SUNRISE," their title track, "I Smile," and their seventh mini album, "The Book of Us: Negentropy - Chaos Swallowed Up in Love," the title track of "You Make Me" and the track "Invincible (ONE)" opened in the dark, signaling a thrilling and touching return.

Sungjin said, "I've been waiting for a long time to perform on this stage. I named the performance to give the impression that it's a gift to you. I have a lot of emotions coming up from the beginning. I'll pour out everything today," adding to his excitement. They presented a variety of musical gifts, including "Zombie", "Love Me or Leave Me", as well as major group songs such as "days gone by," "You Were Beautiful," "Congratulations," and "I Like You." During the encore stage, they selected songs that added heat to their hearts, including "Best Part," "Time of Our Life," "DANCE DANCE," and "Freely." All of the members went around the audience to make eye contact with fans and keep each other warm during the winter. In order to give precious memories to the audience, DAY6 put all their efforts into every element of the performance. In keeping with the saying "Trust and listen in DAY6," the members showed off their solid vocals and musical instruments that did not feel any gaps in the hiatus period. They sang the parts that fans wanted to hear again, building up their emotions, and Dowoon also performed a surprise bit at the ending part of "Zombie." The members filled the concert hall with happy laughter, exuding wit and chemistry with a small choreography prepared by each other, as well as a specially prepared Manitou Mission and entertainment charging game video before the encore stage. For the first time in about four years, Day6 and My Day completed a concert together. In response to Wonpil's words, "A DAY6 concert is a stage until the end of the auditorium, so we need your voice," the audience harmonized with DAY6 by singing in unison, cheering, and shouting to the members' accompaniment. Young K extended his hand towards the fans and became a microphone stand, and Dowoon showed his happy heart by giving a thumbs up and saying, "It's My Day to trust and listen to." In particular, the members' stage naturally began following My Day's unison singing of 'Only' and 'You Were Beautiful', adding a lingering feeling to the 'Gift Con' with their fantastic partners 'My Day Six'. DAY6 shed tears of joy in front of their precious My Day after a long wait. Sungjin said, "I missed this moment so much. I had a lot of worries about whether I would be able to do well in this performance, but the moment I saw My Day, it all disappeared and everything became possible. That's how much I missed you, and now that we are together, every moment we will be happy. You've waited for four years, and let's have fun together,” he said, talking about a bright future. Young K said, "I wanted to show you the best of me, 'DAY6 is back.' I'm glad that you had fun. What's more fortunate is that we have a lot to show you. I'm excited that we'll have so much to do on stage as well as music. Thank you for being with us so far, and let's be happy from now on." Wonpil said, "I feel the happiest and most overwhelmed when I do DAY6 concert. I think the best thing I can do for you who have waited is to approach with good music and performances. I will continue to show great performances. Our youth starts again from now on and DAY6 will continue in the future," he said. "I always think, 'I have to become a better person' while watching My Day. I'll do my best, so please keep an eye on me. I'll make good three happy days and work hard for the next happy time. Our lives are so happy to meet you, and that happiness is ongoing." The scene was filled with smiles until the last moment when the happy reunion performance came to an end, and the concluding words, “Thank you for being with us,” remained in My Day’s hearts as a signal of a new starting point, a new page of youth that DAY6 will write in the future. It made me look forward to it.

[theearlgreymage]

It's still Wednesday in some places, so, we can still call this a WIP Wednesday. And if you disagree, consider this a Thirsty Thursday post since I only know how to write explicit content apparently.

Most of my projects have been revealed since my last posting - both COBB projects are officially up and in progress. And I've uploaded both of my gift fics!!

So now it's onto keeping up with updates and planning for COTTA.

Any who - shout out and thank you to the folks that keep on tagging me even when I fall off the face of the planet!! @ic3-que3n @ivelovedhimthroughworse @artsyunderstudy @shrekgogurt @fatalfangirl @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @nausikaaa @wellbelesbian @confused-bi-queer @you-remind-me-of-the-babe and @blackberrysummerblog

Now, without further ado, enjoy some snippets from some of my current WIPs (there are more, but we need to keep some things a surprise, right?)

Aster & Narcissus

(COBB Project with @ivelovedhimthroughworse that you can start reading here)

I’m used to being alone and having my life decided for me.  But I still never thought that my mother would go this far. To arrange a union behind my back and bind me to another. Effectively snuffing out any potential freedom I dreamed of in the dark of night.  No.  I won’t let them decide my fate anymore.  Running down the temple steps, I call upon years of brutal lessons. Calling to the grass beneath my bare feet to hide my footprints as I race across my mothers land. Heading towards the only individual that might hear my pleas for help and actually listen to them.  Ebb.  She’s a dear friend to my mother. I’d be a fool to overlook that, but she’s also the only one who isn’t afraid to chastise my mother in her treatment of me.  After I learned that the Nymphs under my mothers direction would never be my real friends, my mother left me with Ebb for a time. Entrusting the kindhearted Goddess of the Hearth to make me feel at peace. And she did. Ebb let me cry about how I only wanted to understand who I was and master the power I wielded without telling my mother my every word. Instead she stood up for me, trying to convince my mother to tell me the truth.  It didn’t work. But hearing Ebb take my side let me know that I would always have a second home with her if I ever needed it.  Right now I need it. Need her.

Eirlys

(COBB Project with @shrekgogurt and @artsyunderstudy that you can start reading here)

24 December 2020 It’s been five years since the world as we know it changed forever.  Five years since I lost Simon at the top of the White Chapel. Five years since I lost Vera, Daphne, Sophie, and Petra. The girls would have turned eight this year. The same age that Mordelia was when this all started.  After the incident with Gareth, I stopped going out on runs. Even if I wanted to, the whole lot of us were barred from leaving the QZ for nearly six full months. I didn’t protest. Enough damage had been done without my insistence to go back out into the wilderness of England.

Infinity In Your Chest Pocket

(To be updated soon. Feel free to start reading it here)

I’m going to strangle her.  Of all the things she could have chosen to say, she just had to remember the singular time that I told her what Snow looks like.  Speaking of Snow, his cheeks are flush with embarrassment at Delia’s comment. If I could blush, I would be - one of the few perks of vampirism. It unintentionally ups my poker face. The sight of a flustered Snow is one I am thoroughly enjoying now that I’m properly looking at him.  The extra color brings out his freckles even more, and makes the blue of his eyes stand out. It makes me want to swoon and fall into his arms so I can look at them even closer.  Instead, I try to give us both an out before Delia can continue to harass either one of us. “Come on, we can eat in my room.”  At this, Delia immediately pouts. “No fair! Why do you get to eat wherever you want, but I have to eat at the table?”  I just roll my eyes at her petulance. “Because I’m older.”  The fact that I’m older has nothing to do with it. My parents only allow me to excuse myself from family meals because of my fangs - they pop when I eat and it’s noticeable. So, they don’t mind if I take my meal with me to my room from time to time. 

Surrender to Your Lead

(Not a WIP or SnowBaz - but I just uploaded it this week. Based on art by @ic3-que3n So, enjoy a little snippet of it. Feel free to read it here)

My response only serves to rile him up further as he grabs my chin between calloused fingers and forces my eyes to meet his. "If you can't follow basic commands, maybe I need to put you on a tighter leash." At that, I let my eyes drop down to the leather that is in Erwin’s other hand. We’ve never done this before. It makes my mouth water. “Eyes forward, Captain.” Erwin orders. His breath is hot against my cheeks as I snap my eyes back up to his. With my focus back on him, Erwin leans down while pulling on my chin. Forcing me onto my toes as his lips find the shell of my ear. “Now you had better listen, and listen well,” his voice drops to something low and sultry. It makes me want to dig my fingers into his shoulders and drag my nails down his chest. “I am going to give you very explicit instructions tonight, and you are going to follow every single one of them.” The end of the sentence is punctuated with a teasing lick to the curve of my ear. Followed by a light bite to the skin just beneath the lobe. It’s taunting - I know he can bite far harder when he wants. “Is that clear?” Words seem impossible at the moment. So I simply nod my head as Erwin draws his own head back up without releasing the hold on my jaw. “I need an answer, Levi.” Licking my lips to buy myself a fraction of a second, I force my mouth to work. “Yes.” Wrong answer. I think to myself as Erwin frowns. His eyes darkening as he tightens his grip. Fingers sliding down and digging into my throat. A threat, a promise, of what’s to come. “Yes, who?” Erwin prompts again. The patience in his voice is wearing thin. “Yes, Commander.” I reply instantly.

Tags and Hello's to everyone I secretly admire below the cut ❤

@aristocratic-otter @bazzybellee @bookish-bogwitch @captain-aralias @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @cutestkilla @ebbpettier @erzbethluna @facewithoutheart @foolofabookwyrm-activated @gekkoinapeartree @henreyettah @hushed-chorus @ileadacharmedlife @ionlydrinkhotwater @j-nipper-95 @johnwgrey @krisrix @larkral @letraspal @martsonmars @moodandmist @mostlymaudlin @onepintobean @orange-peony @palimpsessed @prettylightsbigcity @skeedelvee @stardustasincocaine @stitchyqueer @tea-brigade @theimpossibledemon @thewholelemon @whogaveyoupermission @yellobb

[ryanrosseveryday]

do you know anything about what ryan’s up to lately? i used to follow him/panic! and what they were up to after the split, and recently i’ve been getting back into some of their old music/young veins stuff but i can’t really find anything that current ryan has made on social media sites. thanks for the help!

Thank you for the ask! Not sure how up to date you are on things, but I can catch you up on the last few years!

Firstly, in 2018 Ryan had been working closely with Z Berg on her music. He starred in her music video of "I Fall For the Same Face Every Time" and did a song and video with her for, "The Bad List". (Both below.)

In 2019 Ryan performed at Z Berg and Friends Prom.

Another thing we heard about in 2019 was an interview Ryan and Z Berg did with a YouTuber called, Crankthatfrank. Ryan had not done anything press related in years, so it was very surprising to see him partake in this. Although this video was taken down sometime later by the creator. (Not exactly sure when. ...It was possibly due to the amount of hate the creator faced. A lot of people found the creators demeanor during the interview rather immature.) But the video still brought a lot of happiness to fans because they got to see Ryan smiling and having fun, after all these years. As you can imagine, this was nice to see since Ryan is pretty radio silent when it comes to social media. All in all, I am not sure what exactly prompted the video being taken down since I am not too familiar with the creator, but I think it can still be found re-uploaded online.

Additionally, In 2019 Ryan went on a tour called The Dead End Kids Club with Z Berg and other artists. You can still check out some official content from that time over @thedeadendkidsclub on Instagram. On this tour he was seen performing some NEW songs of his live. Namely, "Possessed Coast" and "Blondes". You can find tons of recordings of him singing them at shows on YouTube. He also performed "Northern Downpour" live, which was big news to fans. Lastly, around this time we got a quick studio clip from one of his friends on social media, showing that "Blondes" was in the works of being recorded. All this means there has been a new album in the works, (confirmed by Z) however I do not believe we have heard anything since, so I imagine he is still taking his time working on that.

In 2020 during early days of the pandemic, Ryan and Z Berg did a cover and video for "Lonesome Town" by Ricky Nelson. Ryan produced this.

In 2021 Ryan did a remix for Collapsing Scenery's, "The Grey Cardinal". He starred in the music video for this as well.

In December of 2021 Ryan performed at a show with Z Berg, Z Berg and Friends Christmas Prom.

As of 2022, we have seen a few photos and videos of him every now and again. Personally I do not follow many of Ryan's friends on social media, but I know you can occasionally find them posting what he is up to on their Instagram stories and such.

That is all I know of, but I hope this helps! Please let me know if I can answer any other questions, or if there was something specific you were curious about. And as always, if you are reading this, and you can help this anon out with anything I may have left out, please reply below! :)

[maxverstepponme]

I had a lot of free time today waiting to go back home so I figured out that:

• Max and Kelly 'magical night' happened, based on their like on each other's accounts, between between June 2016 (he apparently broke up with Joyce Godefridi the same month or a few weeks before and Kelly broke up with Beto Pacheco (?) sometime in 2016) and end October 2016 (he was rumored to be with Maxime Pourquie early 2017 and Kelly was with Daniil at the same time)

• she liked his posts from June 19, 2016 to October 22, 2016 and started againt on December 24, 2019 but one every now and then and not a single one in between these two time period.

• so it seems like she only liked his posts during the time they were single: June-October 2016 and since December 2019 (Dilara wasn't with him for Christmas, they had maybe already broke up? + she broke up with Daniil early December) so I don't believe she liked his posts or met him just because she liked his driving style, otherwise she would have liked a few posts in the meantime, or when she was with Daniil (she liked some of Lewis' posts in 2018 I think).

• he was 18 when they started interacting online, met and when she started being interested in him, she was 27 (I'm not really surprised because Lando was 20 and her 31 when they flirted on instagram in 2020 and Max was with a 23 yo woman (Mikaela) when he was 17 😅)

• Max liked her posts from August 9, 2016 to October 10, 2016 (almost all of them) and started liking them again on August 21, 2020, and like Kelly, he didn't like a single one in between.

• the 2 times they interacted online, she started liking his posts first. so she maybe asked her brother to introduce her to Max for whatever reason in 2016.

• I guess something happened between them during the 2016 summer break and that went on until October, when, whatever that was (a summer fling, a casual relationship?), it stopped totally on October.

• and they interacted again in 2020 (even if Kelly started on December 2019) after Max was publicly single. I remember that some fans of Kelly said that Max was in love with her since a long time and we didn't believe them, maybe Kelly told them they had a thing back in 2016 and 'were meant to be'? I really don't believe he was in love with her all these years, but maybe Kelly was? and she thinks that he was, too? because she was the one who started liking his posts again, a long time before he did.

.

[a-silent-symphony]

Former NIGHTWISH Bassist/Vocalist MARKO 'MARCO' HIETALA Doesn't Expect To Be Asked To Return To The Band

Former NIGHTWISH bassist/vocalist Marko "Marco" Hietala says that he doesn't expect to be asked to return to the band any time soon.

The bassist/vocalist announced his departure from NIGHTWISH in January 2021, explaining in a statement that he hadn't "been able to feel validated by this life for a quite a few years now." He has since been replaced by session bassist Jukka Koskinen (WINTERSUN),who made his live debut with NIGHTWISH in May 2021 at the band's two interactive experiences.

In a new interview with Finland's Iltalehti, Hietala revealed that he went through a dark period in his life, which included depression, insomnia and anxiety.

“Sometimes I thought I would walk from my backyard to the icy lake and just disappear," Hietala said, according to Chaoszine, which translated his comments from Finnish.

Marko added that the canceled tours during the pandemic of 2020 brought peace to his life, which the musician was no longer ready to give up when it was time for NIGHTWISH to prepare to go on tour again.

"My head had gone to the point where I could no longer bear the thought of having to go out into the world for a month or a month and a half with the same conditions and troubles," Hietala recalled.

Hietala was also asked about a possible return to NIGHTWISH. However, he said that he does not believe that he will be approached about coming back to the band. "I’m not waiting for a call asking me to return or a meeting invitation," he said. "For many years, I would get pissed off practically every day at some point. Black thoughts would pop up as soon as there was an empty moment. Even though the gang knows there’s depression and medication and therapy, I can’t help being tired. I saw leaving as necessary for both me and them."

Hietala went on to say that he has not kept in touch with NIGHTWISH since his departure or followed the activities of his former band.

In May 2021, NIGHTWISH keyboardist and main songwriter Tuomas Holopainen said that Hietala's decision to leave the band "came as a bit of a surprise." He told Finland's Kaaos TV: "Marko informed us in December [of 2020 that he was leaving the band]. And even though he has been very open about his state and problems during the past years, it still came as a bit of a surprise for us. So it was a really tough pill to swallow. And for a few days, I was actually quite confident that there's no coming back, that this is it. I remember talking to Emppu [Vuorinen], the guitar player, and we were, like, 'You think this is it?' 'Yeah, I think this is it.' I mean, enough is enough. So much has happened in the past. Something that broke the camel's back, as they say. Then, after some time had passed — a few days — we started to think that it's been such a ride of 25 years, with so many ups also, that this is not the way to end it."

Tuomas elaborated on NIGHTWISH's reasons for carrying on, saying: "I think we still have something to give, and that's the main point. The music is still there. We felt that there's still so much music that needs to come out from this band that, 'Okay, let's give it one more shot.' And then finding the new bass player was really easy."

He added: "It's not like we do this just because we need to do it and there's nothing else to do. On a personal level, I feel that there's still so many stories and melodies that I want to share with the world with one lineup or another, so that's why you want to continue and keep on going.

"I've said this a million times, that a lineup change is the ultimate energy vampire, and that's how it really felt and still feels."

In June 2021, NIGHTWISH singer Floor Jansen spoke about Hietala's exit from the band in an episode of her "Storytime" YouTube video series. She said: "That was a very sudden surprise that, of course, was not fun at all. But we understand — I understand — it was a necessary thing for him to do. And from there, we had to think of how to continue without him, and that also, in preparations towards the virtual show, that was a huge challenge."

She continued: "I'm very happy we found Jukka to play with us. And it was wonderful to get together, even though miss Marko, in April to start rehearsing for these virtual shows. Fortunately, we had a lot of time together, and it was very nice to go through the process of really not just knowing how to sing or play the songs but actually really feeling them, really communicating them, as you do with a show. We did that together. And then, of course, came the relatively unnatural setting of standing in a green bathroom [laughs] called the green screens all around us and cameras and people going for coffee instead of a real live audience. But that was really great. We had so much time that we could rehearse all of that and had a lot of fun doing that in the process."

NIGHTWISH is continuing to tour in support of its "Human. :II: Nature." album, which was released in April 2020. The follow-up to 2015's "Endless Forms Most Beautiful", "Human. :II: Nature." is a double album containing nine tracks on the main CD and one long track, divided into eight chapters, on CD 2.

In December 2020, Hietala was crowned the winner of the fall 2020 season of "Masked Singer Suomi" — the Finnish edition of the popular masked singing contest. He was disguised as Tohtori — the Doctor.

[vvettell]

2020 sewis!!!! Although we are spoiled for choice here

waahhh the fic i feel the most protective over tbh even though i'm gonna be insanely late with posting this lmao but the "he always cheered me up and motivated me to continue" dropped and i lost it and had to write a fic over the whole year for it and actually started it in december 2020 and still haven't finished skdjfsdf

although i have to admit that after seb's announcement i was like is it even worth writing a longish fic where lewis drags seb through 2020 when he's leaving 2 years later anyway??

anyway here's a part from their first phone call after the ferrari news goes public

wip asks!!

A postcard with „Greetings from Heppenheim!“ written in the centre of it finds its way into his post box. He grins looking at all the oversaturated pictures of his hometown and his smile turns wistful when he turns the card around and reads the short message in his mother’s handwriting. He hangs it up on the fridge with the last free magnet and decides to call her later.

He turns to walk back into the living room when his eyes catch on the plant Fabian brought with him last week. It’s a frail looking thing and he is not entirely sure he will be able to save it, the bottom leaves that are touching the soil are turning gooey and grey, while some other leaves are starting to turn brown and dry, but he’s certainly going to try. While he likes gardening and plants, he’s neither sure what kind of plant this one is exactly, nor how much light and water it needs, so the plant doesn’t look much better now than it did a week ago. He needs to do some research. There must be some identification keys online somewhere.

For a moment he stands still in the hallway, tapping his index against the doorframe, contemplating if it might be better to get his laptop out of his office for this. He pushes his tongue into his cheek, takes the little potted plant with him, and walks into the living room instead. Sighing deeply, he sinks into the sofa, grabs his phone out of his pocket and unlocks it. The browser was already open from earlier and he deletes his last search and starts again.

He's about to open the first result that isn’t an ad when the screen suddenly changes with an incoming call. Lewis Hamilton.

Sebastian pauses, then moves his thumbs out of the way to look at the screen in its entirety. He keeps staring at the name, a little surprised, a little indecisive. The phone is still ringing and waiting for him to either add it to the ever-growing pile of calls he didn’t pick up in the last 2 weeks or answer it.

Sebastian doesn’t know why it’s that particular call that’s the first one he picks up in days, but before he can think too much about it, he hits the green button.

“Lewis?” Sebastian asks, the corners of his mouth twisting upwards.

“Hey, man,” Lewis says and Sebastian can hear the smile in his voice. The sound immediately brings memories with it, some older, some newer. He didn’t realise how long it’s been since he heard it until now.  “Finally you’re picking up your damn phone.”

“Why?” Sebastian says. “Were you trying to reach me or something?”

“Yeah, you could frigging say that,” Lewis says, somewhere between amused and exasperated.

 “You should have sent me a letter then. I check my post box every day. Sometimes even twice. I got a post card just today.”

“I’m not sending you a damn letter,” Lewis laughs. “Those are more your thing. I’m gonna text you like a normal person.”

Sebastian grins, tilting his head to the left, sinking deeper into the couch and putting his feet on the coffee table.

“Wow,” he says, stretching the word much more than necessary, “you could have just told me you hated my Christmas letters. See if you get any more of them.”

“No,” Lewis says, raising his voice a decibel, more serious, “I don’t hate them. I still have them all in my office, actually. So don’t even think about it.”

Sebastian didn’t know that. In fact, he’s always wondered if Lewis even read them since he never got a reply to any of them. Now, the thought seems silly. He switches the phone from his right hand to his left one.

“Okay. I won’t.” Sebastian quietly, almost adds a promise. He doesn’t know why he stops himself from saying it.

He leans his head back on the couch, looking at his white ceiling and the way the sunlight coming in through the windows hits it, casting shapes of flowers and leaves. He hears Lewis inhale deeply on the other end of the line.

“How are you doing, Lewis?”

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?”

“I don’t know, are you?”

Lewis huffs a laugh. “Seriously, Seb. How are you? How are things?”

“Oh, you know,” Sebastian says, crossing one leg over the other. “I got fired and we’re in a pandemic but other than that I’m having the time of my life.”

[starf]

StarF's Top Ten Albums of 2023

WHAT A YEAR! I feel like as far as music 2023 got off to a somewhat slow start (with some exceptions), and then once summer hit it was banger after banger! It was definitely tough to narrow this one down, and there are plenty of great albums I wanted to include, but alas, a top ten is a top ten for a reason, so here are my ten entries! LET'S GOOO!

10. WSTR - 'Til The Wheels Fall Off

I truly don't even remember how I found out about this album, but I'm glad it fell into my lap one day. I think I just heard some song on a random Spotify mix and thought "what is this?!" Turns out the entire album is just some great pop punk. It feels like old pop punk but while still having enough modern sensibilities to keep it from feeling like it's only playing into nostalgia or stuck in the past sonically.

9. NOBRO - Set Your Pussy Free

This one snuck up on me! It came out right at the end of October, and I was so enamored with other albums that came out around that time (albums you'll almost certainly see later in this list, in fact), that I completely missed that it had come out! I eventually found out and was able to listen to it mid December, and NOBRO managed to sneak in as the latest entry to this list as far as me hearing it for the first time.

Don't let the potential recency bias fool you though, this album is immediate, fun, and catchy as hell. I've been saying NOBRO is the band to look out for ever since I heard their single Don't Die back in 2020, and I was correct. Between this new album and last year's Live Your Truth Shred Some Gnar NOBRO is absolutely crushing it.

8. Connor Price - Spin The Globe

Okay so this is where things are going to get a little tricky. Luckily this is the only entry in the list that comes with something of an asterisk, but you're gonna have to hear me out.

Spin The Globe comes in at just shy of 20 minutes, making it barely an album - and that's being generous. The issue is that Connor Price fits into a group of artists that has been emerging ever since streaming has become the primary way of consuming music, artists that just don't drop albums.

Spin The Globe as well as "Till Next Time" are listed as 2023 albums from Connor Price (their run time together still only equaling about 35 minutes), but then in addition to these he also dropped around 21 singles in 2023 that just don't exist in any formal collection. As someone who loves listening to albums this is super frustrating, but as someone who loves listening to Connor Price I also can't deny that whatever it is he's doing, it's working.

So while I do love Spin The Globe, you can also consider this entry to be the entirety of Connor's output in 2023, because goddamn he does not miss.

7. Waterparks - Intellectual Property

One of the albums that saved the early portion of the year from being super boring, Waterparks emerged with yet another collection of bangers. While I always enjoy what Waterparks have to offer, I feel like it's been awhile since they've hit my top ten, but Intellectual Property is definitely another high mark for them as they elevate from their "usually consistent" to "oh damn this is really good."

It's no surprise that the songs here are infectious as hell, catchy, and just plain fun to listen to. There have been many a time over the course of the year that I'll just be walking around and suddenly Funeral Grey is playing in my head, and every time Real Super Dark comes on I get immediately pumped.

6. Buck 65 - Super Dope

This album was an absolute treat early on in the year. I remember once again just listening to some Spotify mix and the song Challenge To The Underground started playing and I immediately thought "What Buck 65 album is this from?" This lead to me finding out it was a new song, which got me stoked. Then very quickly I found out there was an entire album attached to it, which was even more exciting.

Buck 65 returns to form on Super Dope and spends the 40 minute runtime just dropping bars and having fun, a look we haven't seen from him in quite some time. 2023 was an amazing year for hip hop releases, and this one clearly resonated with me.

5. Baby Gravy - Baby Gravy 3

This came out at just the right time for me personally. The last few years I've been vibing heavily with both Yung Gravy and bbno$, and even though they have plenty of collaboration before this I was specifically fiending for more. And you know what? I happened to get my wish, and it's living up to all my expectations.

Baby Gravy 3 is unabashedly fun, silly, and just an all around good time. These two work together so well and have been dropping bangers for so long that this comes across as a well oiled machine at this point, and even the tracks that I originally thought were kind of filler have grown on me, cementing this easily in my top five.

4. Chris Farren - Doom Singer

The moment I heard the first single from this album, Cosmic Leash, I knew this was going to be another perfect album from Chris Farren. With a knack for weaving personal stories, navigating emotions, all while somehow keeping it light and bouncy, Chris Farren delivers an album that will have you singing along by the end of your first listen to each song. Also be sure to check out the music videos, because they are wonderful.

3. Jeff Rosenstock - HELLMODE

Of course Jeff has to sit next to Chris on this list, it only makes sense. And while I definitely thought this was a shoe-in for my number one slot when it came out because HELLMODE is an incredible ride from start to finish, the next two albums came out after it and were absolute doozies, but we'll get there.

For now we're talking about Jeff Rosenstock, and how HELLMODE continues his legacy of putting out all killer, no filler records. Even though Jeff's style has been perfected over the years, each album brings its own vibes and stands out uniquely against the others, keeping them from all running together (I'm looking at you, new Front Bottoms album). HELLMODE specifically weaves throughout various Rosenstock styles and blends them together flawlessly. Whether it's the frantic BTMI!-esque engery of "HEAD," the poppy earworm that is "LIKED U BETTER," or the emotional rollercoaster of "3 SUMMERS," the one thing you can know for sure is that no matter what flavor of Rosenstock you're listening to you know it's going to rule.

2. Bear Ghost - jiminy

Goodness gracious this one snuck up and absolutely blindsided me this year. I've been a fan of Bear Ghost for years and routinely come back to their music every autumn (as I think their music gives off that kind of vibe). I knew that over the past couple years I had seen a couple new singles from them here and there, but I didn't think much of it. And then one day an entire new album was just on their page.

jiminy is a front to back banger, and I've listened to it front to back countless times since it dropped in late September. It's amazing how consistent the albums sound is while every song still has its own unique thing going on. It's a blast to sing along with, it's a joy to listen to, and the stories being told throughout the songs are fascinating. I know I'm going to be listening to this one a lot going into the future, and you should too.

1. Aesop Rock - Integrated Tech Solutions

This is it, this is Aes's best album since The Impossible Kid, and that's a hill I'm willing to die on. I don't know how it's possible for an artist who is so prolific to also be so consistently phenomenal. I knew I was going to like ITS from the moment it was announced and I heard the first single "Mindful Solutionism," but the grip this album had on me from the first time I played it cannot be understated. If this hadn't come out in mid-November right before Spotify stopped collecting data for Wrapped, it likely would have dominated my stats.

I can't express how impressive this thing is. In typical Aesop Rock fashion every song is a fascinating dive into unique topics you wouldn't necessarily even be thinking about otherwise, with masterful flows, intricate lyricism, and some of the smoothest and best production I've heard from a hip hop album in some time, it's just fire from front to back.

[tahomina30]

Exercise probably won't make you live longer: Entrancing review exposes age-old conviction by finding that being too dynamic can really prod maturing

Researchers in Finland have proposed that being too dynamic will not drag out life

Results showed that the people who were dynamic were around a 10th less inclined to pass on

By EMILY CRAIG Agent Wellbeing Proofreader FOR MAILONLINE

Distributed: 15:27 GMT, 6 December 2023 | Refreshed: 15:48 GMT, 6 December 2023

For a really long time, we have been informed that practicing however much as could be expected is pivotal for keeping away from an early grave.

In any case, presently scholastics in Finland have tested the well established rationale subsequent to finding that being too dynamic doesn't be guaranteed to draw out life.

Specialists at the College of Jyvaskyla analyzed the activity propensities and organic age of thousands of members.

Results uncovered how the most dynamic grown-ups were to the least extent liable to kick the bucket throughout the span of the 45-year study.

Be that as it may, the connection blurred vigorously when way of life factors, like smoking and liquor, were considered in.

That's what it intends, in principle, individuals who practice more may just live longer since they follow a solid eating routine, get a lot of rest and are social rather than how long they spend in the exercise center.

Truth be told, being among the top exercise fan could really fuel natural maturing by almost two years, results recommend.

Researchers in Finland have proposed that being too dynamic will not drag out life. Analysts inspected the activity propensities and natural age of thousands of members.

Researchers in Finland have recommended that being too dynamic will not draw out life. Analysts inspected the activity propensities and organic age of thousands of members.

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Prior examinations recommend practice is connected with dialing back this inner cycle.

Analysts analyzed in excess of 11,000 sets of twins, matured 18 to 50 toward the beginning of the review, who were observed from 1975 to 2020.

They finished polls on their actual work levels, which arranged them as inactive (13.4 percent), modestly dynamic (36.7 percent), dynamic (38.7 percent) or exceptionally dynamic (11.2 percent).

The scientists didn't share how long individuals needed to spend practicing to fall into every class.

The group likewise took blood tests to follow natural maturing — the rate at which an individual is maturing truly.

To compute their organic age, the scientists analyzed modifications in DNA, which reflect factors that impact life expectancy, like qualities, dietary patterns and exercise.

Results show that the people who were reasonably dynamic, dynamic or profoundly dynamic were 15 to 23 percent less inclined to kick the bucket during the 45-year study than the individuals who were stationary.

In any case, in the wake of representing BMI, smoking and liquor use, information showed that there was just a seven percent drop in passings among the dynamic gathering contrasted with the stationary gathering, with 'no extra advantages given by more elevated levels' of activity.

The analysts said this was 'surprising'.

What's more, investigation of blood information showed that the individuals who did the least activity had the most established natural age — yet so did the people who worked out the most.

The most dynamic were 1.3 years organically more established than the people who were reasonably dynamic and 1.8 years more established than the individuals who were dynamic.

That's what the specialists proposed, instead of elevated degrees of activity diminishing the gamble of an early passing, being dynamic is essentially a sign of a generally speaking solid way of life.

The outcomes were distributed on pre-print data set medRxiv and still can't seem to be peer-audited. However, the review won a games medication prize in Finland this week.

Dr George Savva, a senior exploration researcher at the Norwich-based food and wellbeing research focus the Quadram Organization, let The Times know that the utilization of twins is a 'strong examination plan'.

Notwithstanding, he noticed that BMI can be affected by practice levels. However, the analysts changed their discoveries to assess BMI, which mean they might have missed a portion of the impacts of active work.

He said: 'In the event that the advantages of activity are interceded through advancing weight reduction, this study may not identify it in the last examination.'

The amount EXERCISE YOU Want

To remain sound, grown-ups matured 19 to 64 ought to attempt to be dynamic everyday and ought to do:

somewhere around 150 minutes of moderate high-impact movement like cycling or energetic strolling consistently and

strength practices on at least 2 days every week that work every one of the significant muscles (legs, hips, back, mid-region, chest, shoulders and arms)

Or on the other hand:

75 minutes of enthusiastic high-impact action like running or a round of singles tennis consistently and

strength practices on at least 2 days per week that work every one of the significant muscles (legs, hips, back, mid-region, chest, shoulders and arms)

Or then again:

a blend of moderate and lively vigorous movement consistently - for instance, 2 x 30-minute runs in addition to 30 minutes of energetic strolling likens to 150 minutes of moderate high-impact action and

strength practices on at least 2 days per week that work every one of the significant muscles (legs, hips, back, midsection, chest, shoulders and arms)

A decent decide is that 1 moment of energetic movement gives a similar medical advantages as 2 minutes of moderate action.

One method for doing your suggested 150 minutes of week by week actual work is to complete 30 minutes on 5 days consistently.

All grown-ups ought to likewise separate significant stretches of sitting with light action.

[detached-emotions]

02:30 08/28/23

Tonight, my mother and I truly connected during a conversation about space, which was a departure from her usual religious perspective. Recently, she's become more open-minded. After watching a podcast interview featuring a woman who had been to space, she became captivated by the story and displayed genuine curiosity about the subject. As a child, I often tried sharing space facts with her, but my efforts were always brushed aside. Throughout my childhood, she ensured I had food on the table, even during tough times, but unfortunately, she never sought to understand me. What I craved most from her was her time and attention.

The fact that she's now showing interest in my past passions brings mixed feelings. My mother remarked on how mind-blowing it must be to experience space firsthand, leading us into a discussion about its logistics. I informed her that only a small percentage of the universe has been explored, which surprised her. This led her to share her thoughts on the potential afterlife, a departure from the beliefs she might have adhered to in her religious bubble. It's possible that her inclination to talk stems from my grandmother's illness, making her yearn for deeper connections, just as I do.

In contemplating the afterlife, she mused about its nature. I hinted at my own theories but hesitated to share them fully, not wanting to overwhelm her. I hold the belief that the mysterious dark matter in the universe serves as a barrier preventing us from going beyond a certain point. Furthermore, I believe that if we were to breach this barrier, we'd discover that the entire universe constitutes a single entity—an entity of energy, devoid of a perceivable physical form. Yet, it is sensed through infinite versions of itself, simulated within every individual on Earth. This concept explains phenomena like déjà vu, astral projection, ghosts, astrology, parallel universes, and even maladaptive daydreams. This is precisely why I chose to tread lightly with this explanation.

Simultaneously, I was cautious not to arouse suspicion, especially because I had relapsed into substance abuse. Regrettably, addiction has been my coping mechanism due to the trauma I experienced during my early years. A second addiction took hold at the end of 2020, a response to the dehumanizing environment I faced in my retail job. My previous supplier supported me until her arrest in March of 2021. I managed a period of sobriety until connecting with a new source on 4/20/2021. However, this pattern persisted until 7/08/2022, when my stash was discovered by my mother. While our trust wavered, we reconciled after I promised to confide in her if my depression reached the levels of last December. Unfortunately, I failed to uphold that promise, succumbing to a relapse on April 4th.

It's likely that my mother suspects my ongoing struggle, but given the myriad challenges we're currently facing, she might be letting go to some extent. I can't fault her for that, especially since I've been far from an honest and responsible daughter. Fortunately, I've managed to maintain employment, defying the stereotype of a lazy addict.

My lack of fear for the repercussions stems from the fact that my brain chemistry has undergone irreversible changes due to substance use. I've come to terms with this, as I don't anticipate surviving my twenties. My perspective isn't born out of melodramatics but rather a response to the grim state of the world. The current environmental crisis and the economic struggles leave me living paycheck to paycheck. Without my mother's support and that of her friend, I'd be homeless. Adulthood has proven to be a challenge, and my struggles are compounded by my C-PTSD and the early signs of schizophrenia that are emerging within my fragile mind.

Interestingly, at my workplace, I'm perceived as a well-behaved and somewhat aloof individual. Little do they know... Sometimes, I catch myself staring at my reflection, practicing various facial expressions as a means of disassociation. I prepare my "mugshot" expression, acknowledging the possibility that I might need it for a photo opportunity in the future.

LISTENING TO: 🎶“You’re going to reap just what you sow” 🎶 Perfect Day (Lou Reed song)

I'd like to share this picture with you. I've HEAVILY edited it, but the original artwork was created on a brick wall that had been scratched and colored with chalk on Friday. The creator remains anonymous; I stumbled upon this piece on the side of a building in a shady part of town while I was running errands.

[ithinkyourehuman]

2022: In Review

It may be too early to review the year; but to heck with it, Spotify was Wrapped at the start of December and everyone’s still happy about it!

In contrast to what people expect: 2022 was definitely not 2020 too- at least for me. Here are several new points that I learnt so hard the past year:

1. Carpe diem I was a crazy hustler as a university student. I tried to achieve as much as possible, neglecting my utmost important duty as a student. I focused on a lot of extracurricular instead. Every minute matters to me. Heck, I even count how many minutes I took to climb the stairs at every uni building! Unfortunately, this raging lifestyle lasts even after college. With a lot of friendship circles I gathered through college, I revisit my friends almost every week, I attended a gig almost every month. All for the sake of not disappointing my friends and looking forward to fun surprises and moments I may be able to create with my friends. It keeps on happening until this guy came and taught me a very valuable lesson: carpe diem. You can enjoy life. You do not have to rush. That guy made me sit and talk about a lot of things in a lot of hours. Time passed by and I sit still. There was not one second that I wanted it to end. At first, I was confused. I wanted to fight the instinct! It was all angry but happy but warm but nonsense at the same time. The process was so painful that I had to visit a doctor cause I had endless gastritis for the whole month. (P.S. This guy is now on a great relationship with my friend. I’m so happy that he found someone who could cater his need. I’m also grateful that I knew now why God let him enter my life - it was all for a good reason afterall!). Before I me this guy, I thought ‘living in the moment’ means that you enjoy every activity that you create. Today, my take on ‘living in the moment’ was to enjoy the process. This past month (ever since the hurtful gojek hike xD), I’ve been taking bus going back and forth to work. The time I spend walking to the bus stop, the time I spend waiting for the bus, the time I spend at the bus, the time I spend walking home. It took me twice the time I could’ve saved if I was riding a personal vehicle/gojek, but I find joy in that. In commuting. In seeing a glimpse of other people’s life passing by. In spending time thinking about nothing while the bus slowly - but carefully - drop me to the nearest stop from home. The low fee, the convenience, and the time privilege was all worth it - public transport somehow made me feel so alive.

Which brings us to the second point. 2. (I think) I listen better now. Before I become a part of my current office, I take conversations for granted. I will talk to you if there’s a curiosity I need you to answer. Look, I empathize with you, I take notes on your life updates, but unfortunately I need to spend my time ‘wisely’ to something else more productive than just talking to a friend.

Boy.. was I wrong. Until this day, I still don’t enjoy talking very much. Especially to people who - I don’t think - genuinely cares about me (I think I have a trauma on this). But in office, you need to build connections. You need to build a sense of closeness.. and you can’t really close your eyes (ears, to be exact) because you wouldn’t know what surprises would come from your conversation partner!

My favorite part is to make them talk about themselves. It’s so good that you can continue the conversation without having you to spill part about yourselves that you’re not comfortable on. Occasionally, one or two facts about you would be necessary to create a delusion of closeness (a person with high ego who only needs to be listened to won’t need this :D) - just for the sake of it.

3. You have to feel better too. Not everyone is born cold-hearted like me. Not everyone was educated to be able to say what’s on their mind instantly. Some people can’t say what they wanted to say and it’s not their fault. Maybe the timing wasn’t right, maybe the situation does not ‘feel like it’, maybe there’s other concerns you can’t guess.. maybe it’s you.

But you don’t need to worry. If the information it’s meant for you, it will make its way through.

Happy holidays.

[messyworldxx]

Echoes of Memories: Transition of Pandemic Life to New Normal

I thought 2020 was going to be as planned, yet, it was a year full of surprises and unplanned happenings. February 4, 2020, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Arch Gabriel.

I was 19 that time and everything was new to me. Of course, as a first time mom, everything was overwhelming. I didn’t have a mom who could teach me things.

March 14,2020, there was news that there has been a virus called Corona Virus and needed to lock everything down for a week. Students and some are very happy because of course, no classes and work. But, there were lots of COVID cases and the lockdown needed to be extended. Everyone was curious, and kind of worried because people were not able to work and didn’t have money to support their everyday needs.

(ctto)

Meanwhile, I was recovering from giving birth and still getting used to being a mom and having a baby who is completely dependent on me. I was not able to go out for quite a while already and started to get very irritated with everything. Small things affected my mood big time and I cannot control how I react over things. Waking up every 2 hours to feed and change Arki’s diaper was getting exhausting for me. Washing the clothes, cleaning the house, and feeling imprisoned inside our house started to take away my happiness. I didn’t understand why I was acting that way when my one true dream since elementary came true, to become a mom. It was a long term dream of mine since I never had a mom growing up, I wanted to make my child feel and experience everything that I didn’t.

The news started to make me scared and anxious about everything. I was cleaning the house twice a day, washing my hands every hour and was very scared to go out. Mostly, I was scared that I was going to lose everyone due to the COVID outbreak. My father and I were always open about things. He was there when I could not control my tears and started crying non-stop. I did not sleep for three straight days because I was so scared that someone was going to die. I called Papa while crying, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t even speak and figured out the main reason why I was acting that way. Papa was very worried and kept on asking me what was happening until that same day, my OB Gynecology doctor told me that I might be experiencing Postpartum Depression. According to her, moms, especially the first time ones, mostly experience Postpartum Depression and it highly affects the mood of mothers.

I guess, having to spend a month inside our house without seeing anyone other than my baby made me feel like I was alone all throughout my journey of being a mom. Since that day, my Papa has become my comfort. Every time I feel like crying without any reason, I’ll just call him and he makes me feel comfortable and calm every time.

Fast forward to December of 2020, I was starting to get used to the routine of being a mom and having to stay inside the house due to COVID. Until, my aunt or godmother got sick unexpectedly and needed to be confined at Westlake Hospital. She had an infection with her blood and after a week, she died. She was my Papa’s first cousin and one of my favorite people. She was one of my second mothers and her death made me feel very sad. I was crying for a week and starting to ask God why it happened. I was questioning Him why my godmother, Ninang JJ, died. The thought of death scares me until today. It was 2 days after Christmas when she died, t’was the saddest holiday that I ever experienced. My Papa comforted me the whole time and explained to me that death doesn’t mean she left me, she will always be there looking over me. Until holidays passed, everything was starting to go back to normal, although we were still sad about the sudden passing of my godmother, we are now able to spend a day without crying.

My son, Archy, started learning new things, and babbling words like Mommy and Daddy. The experience of being a mother still excites me until now. His little achievements make me feel very proud. Yet, I still feel like there was a void inside me, my achiever self. I miss the achiever, studious, and active Nicole. I asked my Papa if I could go back to school. My father asked me to get my records and enrolled me again. I was very happy and thanked everyone, especially him.

It was a hot afternoon, the same day, when my stepmom called me and asked me to go to our house because apparently my father was having a high blood attack and didn’t want to go to hospital. She also asked me to buy medicine and I immediately left our house and went to the nearest pharmacy. It was the longest tricycle ride that I ever experienced. I felt like the time was so slow and it took a while for me to reach our house though it was just 5 minutes away. When I reached our house, I saw my father laying on the bed and he said “Oh, bakit ka nandito?” I said “Ayaw mo raw kasi magpadala sa hospital, halika na, hindi ka naman i-confine doon, para lang hindi na tayo kinakabahan.” He said okay and when he got up, he couldn't stand at all and I was very shocked. He was also mumbling the words when he spoke so I already knew that it was Stroke. I drove the car and we brought papa to the nearest hospital which is Evangelista Hospital. When we got there, everything was so fast. He got his CT scan and the doctors found out that there was bleeding on one part of his brain that is connected to his vital organs. He needed to be confined in the ICU, but since it was COVID the ICU was full during that time. The nurse set up an ICU at the emergency room. We were calling hospitals, hoping there would be a vacancy at their ICU, but there was none. We accepted the fact that he will be staying at the emergency room.

That night, April 28,2022, the doctor said he needed to be intubated because his oxygen is dropping already and I was the only one allowed to make decisions since I am already at the legal age and my mom was not there. I am an only child and came from a broken family, grew up with my Papa and we endured everything together. I asked the doctor if it was the only option and he said yes, so I signed the waiver and they intubated Papa. He was awake when he got intubated and I could hear him in pain during the procedure. I was praying and asking the Lord to comfort him. After that, I went to him and said “Papa, sorry ha? ‘Yan nalang daw kasi ang only option kaya ako nag yes. Laban tayo, Papa ha?” He couldn't react with his face but his foot was swaying back and forth and I knew that he was listening. My stepmom and I continuously assured him that we are there with him. I needed to go home because I needed to feed and prepare Archy for tomorrow since I knew that I would not be able to take care of him since Papa is in the hospital. I told Papa that I’ll be back. When I got back, the doctor was there checking on him. He was having a fever and about to have a heart attack when the doctor told me that he is now brain dead or comatose. He had no reactions and his body was withdrawing the medications that were given to him. The doctor’s exact words were “Sa sobrang critical po ni daddy, baka hindi na siya umabot mamayang hapon.” That exact moment I couldn’t feel anything at all. The doctor asked me if they will revive Papa if ever his heartbeat goes flat and I said no. Papa always wanted to have a peaceful death and no electricity at all. I immediately called our family and asked them to go there because of Papa’s condition. I went to Papa and whispered in his ears, “ Papa, hindi na po kita pinarevive ha? Alam ko nakikinig ka ngayon at alam ko na alam mo na mahal na mahal kita. Ikaw na po ang bahala, huwag mo ako alalalahanin kasi pinalaki mo ako na matapang, kaya ko ‘to.” A tear fell down on his left eye and I knew that he was still there, listening. I knew my Papa was listening to me that time, he was still with us. I couldn’t cry that time. All I could think about was I needed to be strong because Papa needs me. My aunts and uncles came and they bid their goodbyes to Papa one by one. When his last sibling bid her goodbye, his heartbeat went 5, 10, 15, but never flat. My other aunt said, “Kuya, okay na. Pahinga ka na, sino ba inaalala mo? Si Nicole, kami na ang bahala sa kaniya, hindi namin siya papabayaan.” After my aunt spoke the last word, his heartbeat went flat. I froze, it seemed like everything stopped. That exact moment, the only thing that was running in my mind was I am now alone.

I lost Papa, he left. He died. I hugged him until the St. Peter's staff came to get his body. I still can’t believe that he died. I couldn’t feel anything during that time. Honestly, I was in denial and when I saw him inside the coffin for the first time, I still cannot feel anything. I needed to sign papers for the funeral and such, I have a lot on my plate since I was the only one allowed to. People came and I was surprised to see that he had a lot of friends and people who loved him so dearly. Papa was the kindest person I knew but also the most introverted person. I did not expect that he would have a lot of friends. Everyone was saddened by his passing. I couldn't sleep that night, it felt so unreal. The second day of his burial, I kept on looking at him, making myself believe that it’s really him inside the coffin. Second night was the last night and that was the time that I cried. I cried very much because thinking that it would be the last night that I would get to spend with the person who became my anchor for 19 years, my person, my best friend, the person who never got tired of me, the only person who kept encouraging me and believing in me, My Papa. I cried non- stop and I kept calling him, asking him to wake up. The next day, everyone was very busy preparing for the funeral and I was there still crying. When we were at the cemetery and about to say our last goodbyes to Papa, I was really crying and shouting. It felt like my heart was going to explode because of what I was feeling. I lost my person, he is now gone and I cannot see him forever. That thought killed me, and it will always leave an empty space inside my heart.

 After that happened, everything never went back to normal. I still cry about him until today, remembering him and how he loved me so much still makes me miss him very much. I was so mad at my mom that time because she never came, even a glimpse, she did not say sorry to Papa for everything that she did. She was not there for me. I was all alone with Archy, my son. I kept asking God, “why me?” Why do I have to endure all this pain? What did I do wrong for Him to do all of these to me? I was so mad and felt like everyone was going to leave me. I pushed everyone away. It was still pandemic, so I used that time to isolate myself from everyone. I promised myself not to put myself back to that situation again wherein someone will leave me and I’ll feel broken and lost. As a result, I isolated myself.

Not until my 20th Birthday, May 16, 2021, my family greeted me and asked me if I would like to celebrate my birthday with Papa at the cemetery since it’s been almost a month since he died. I said yes, and started asking for help. I told them that I was not feeling well like I used to before. I told them about my thoughts, and my aunt who is in Canada asked me if I want to get checked by a Psychiatrist. At first, it was hard for me to say yes since I was in denial and I told myself that I am okay and I can do everything on my own. But then, my aunt said, “Hindi naman dahil nagpa-check ka ay baliw ka. You are okay and what you’re feeling is valid. You just need help to overcome those feelings kasi para sa anak mo rin at sarili mo. Archy needs you.” That was my wake up call, my son needs me. He needs a mom and I remembered my forgotten promise to never abandon my son and make him feel alone like what my mom did to me. All my life, I continuously lose the people that I love and because of that, I always felt like every time there is someone who genuinely loves and cares for me, they’ll also leave one day. I always felt like something bad was going to happen and that made me feel very anxious about my environment. The doctor prescribed me a sleeping pill which will help me sleep every time I can't. She also referred me to a counselor and the counselor asked me to write everything that I feel including my thoughts down to a notebook, and I did. I wrote everything from the anger that I am feeling for my mom, that I get scared that someone I love will leave again, that I felt alone since Papa died, that I still blame and doubt myself because of the decisions that I made when he was still in the hospital, that I question God why He is doing these things to me. I wrote everything down then I burned it.

After that, I realized like I never had to endure all the pain alone, I have people who continuously believe in me aside from Papa, I have Archy who needs and looks up to me. Then, I realized that everything has its purpose. Papa always wanted me to go back to school and after he settled my school fees, he died. Maybe, that was his last mission here on Earth. Second, I got pregnant early maybe because God knew that I needed someone whom I can hold on to and that will keep me going because Papa will die earlier than expected, and that’s my son, Archy. Everything that is happening around us has their own purposes and we should never question the Lord. I excelled at my subjects and joined competitions that I enjoy while also working at night and being a mom 24/7. The COVID virus is still in the Philippines together with its new variants, yet, the cases are slowly getting controlled and slowly getting back to normal. We are now allowed to go to malls, buy groceries without the need of a quarantine pass, but still need to be cautious with our actions since there is still a virus everywhere. I still miss Papa, but the thought of him being with Jesus without the feeling of any worry, pain, etc. makes me happy. I am indeed proud that he raised a strong, independent, and brave woman.

Looking back, maybe the reason why I needed to go through all the pain is for me to learn, discover, be stronger, and strengthen my faith with the Lord. I never knew that I could move on from all of the pain that I endured. However, thinking about what happened during the 2 years lockdown, everything was so fast. While the state of our country is going back to its normal routine before pandemic, the lessons that the COVID virus taught me are unforgettable. I really enjoy being a mom of a 2 years old beautiful baby boy, Archy. I am having fun being the Vice President Internal of a wonderful organization. I love working for my company. Lastly, I am enjoying the journey of being me. Life may not be perfect, yet it has a lot of lessons to learn. I may not have everything that I want, but I have all that I need. I may not get the highest grades in class, but there are lots of things that I am grateful for. I may not be the perfect mother, but my son is growing beautifully.

The pandemic may have left us with emptiness, broken hearts, painful memories, but it also left us with realizations and lessons that other situations can not. While things are slowly getting better, I will never forget how this pandemic changed my life. The pain is still here, especially the pain of losing Papa, but I know that slowly, everything will get better.

This is Nicole Aubrey Canarias. A mom, daughter, grandchild, niece, employee, student, and fighter. I survived throughout and I know that I always will. I will end this essay with a quote that I read in a book. It says, “I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship.” Every challenge is an opportunity to learn and grow. Life is full of storms; it is your response to each storm that determines where you eventually end up. Keep on fighting, love. Life goes on and there are lots of things to be grateful for. 

[daydreaming-in-letters]

As The Snowflakes Fall

Part 1

12/05/2021

Pairing: Chris Evans x Sarah (ofc)

Word Count: 3,443

Warnings: rpf, mentions of past break up and mental health issues, comfort, cuteness, fluff, flustered and slightly insensitive Chris

Summary: On a lazy Saturday in December, Chris is trying to get into the Christmas mood, when he spots a trespasser on his property. Upset about the rude disturbance, he and Dodger set out to investigate.

A/N: What started about a year ago will now finally be released into the cold, harsh world. Huh, they grow up so fast, don't they? Hope you enjoy the first part.

Song to go with this chapter: As the Snowflakes Fall by Smith & Burrows

Picture by Matt Seymour via Unsplash

Dividers by @firefly-graphics

If you like my story, you are very welcome to like, comment or reblog. Please don’t copy, repost or share my work on other platforms.

05th December, 2020

The snow had been falling all morning. Thick flakes tumbling down silently outside his window, adding at least another two or three inches to the white blanket that already covered the ground. So far it had been a perfect Saturday in early December, a nice long walk before a hot shower, followed by breakfast with his brother, and then some cuddles with Dodger on his bed while he tried to get himself into the Christmas mood with the Peanuts. It was so peaceful, just as he liked it. The only noise coming from the TV, the crackling fire and a few sleepy snorts or grunts from Dodger every now and then.

His fingers slowly gliding through the soft fur of his best buddy, he felt his eyes wander from the TV over to the windows again. A little surprised he noticed that it had finally stopped snowing, which was odd since the weather forecast had predicted it would snow all day. But he was even more surprised when a figure suddenly emerged from behind the trees out of nowhere. In an instant his eyebrows knit together tightly and he could feel his body tensing up. What the hell were they doing on his property?

Dodger, probably sensing his unease, was up in no time, strutting over to the window, growling and barking all the way.

“Yeah, I know, I know. We better go check that out, eh?”

And with a huff he rose from his cozy nest. He left the TV running, fully intending on returning to his bed the minute he had set that stranger straight.

“Come on, buddy. Let’s go,” he called the dog to him when he had slipped on his snow shoes, a thick jacket, scarf, gloves and his wool beanie.

The cold hit him hard when he stepped outside, the stark contrast to his warm home only adding to his anger about the trespasser. With heavy steps he made his way through the almost knee-high snow on the meadow next to his house. Dodger already seemed to have completely forgotten about the stranger they were heading towards, jumping and skipping through the snow as if he had the time of his life.

He let him enjoy himself, at least for a while until the stranger came into view and Chris called him to his side with a whistle, just to make sure. Through narrowed eyes he tried to figure out what they were doing, for it seemed that they hadn’t left the spot he had last seen them in. The person was squatting on their haunches, back turned in his direction, their hands dragging through the snow, gathering the white material up for…a snowman? Seriously? They were trespassing on his property, risking a report simply to build a snowman?

He was just about to address them when Dodger sped away from his side, running directly to the person in front of them, obviously wanting to join in on the fun.

Chris whistled again. “Hey, buddy, come back here.” And when the dog didn’t obey, he raised his voice, tone biting now, “Dodger!”

But it was to no avail. The pup seemed to be intent on making a new friend, wagging his tail eagerly while he enjoyed to be petted by the stranger. Instead of the dog, it was the intruder that turned around now, rising from her spot on the ground just as he arrived at the snowman building site.

“Hi,” she smiled, her brown eyes sparkling magnificently.

“Hi,” he gave back stupidly, his well planned speech on the punishment for trespassing suddenly forgotten.

An awkward silence settled between them, both of them grinning sheepishly, obviously waiting for the other to say something. But in the end the first one to speak was Dodger, startling her a bit with his bark and Chris peered down at him with a scolding expression on his face.

“I think he wants us to go on with the snowman,” she deduced with a shy smile.

“Yeah, yeah. I think so too.” His hand flew up to the back of his head, rubbing it slightly, still trying to figure out how he would break it to her that this was his property. But before he could figure out the right words, she hunched down again, gathering more snow for the bottom snowball.

He had no idea what he was doing, but somehow he found himself squatting down on the other side of the snowman and began to work with her. Again nobody said a word, both seemingly completely absorbed in their work. When the first ball was almost done, she halted, peering over at him and watching him smoothing out the snow on his side.

“I’m Sarah by the way.” She held out her hand to him, waiting patiently for him to take it, while he stared down at it like an idiot.

“I…um…I’m Chris,” he finally pressed out, taking her hand, holding it and her gaze far too long.

Dodger barked again, this time startling his owner, who hastily pulled away his hand. “And that’s Dodger.”

Sarah chuckled. “Yeah, I kind of got that when you yelled his name earlier.”

“Oh, right, yes,” Chris stuttered awkwardly, a crooked smile forming on his lips. She turned her attention to the dog now, petting his friend softly, which gave him a moment to compose himself.

“I don’t recall seeing you here before, Sarah. Do you live in the area?”

“I do, but I just moved here a few weeks ago. I bought the Ellen’s house right down the street.”

Oh, right. He had seen the sign on the lawn.

“But you’re not from Boston originally, are you?”

“No,” she simply stated and he could feel a change in the atmosphere somehow. Interesting. He wasn’t a nosy person, but he decided he needed to know more about that.

“Well, it’s a very good place to live. I think you won’t regret your choice.”

She looked over at him, a smile on her lips that was so feeble he had almost missed it.

“So, I assume you moved here for a job?” he inquired further, regretting his probing immediately when he noticed she was caving in further.

“It’s a long story.”

Her voice sounded so sad suddenly, there was nothing left of the radiant smile she had sent him earlier. Even the sparkle had faded from her eyes by now. Whatever it was that had brought her here, it was obviously still very painful for her.

“I’ve got time,” he offered with a meek smile. “And hot cocoa.”

She looked over at him, apparently very unsure about his offer, and he was certain that she would recline, when Dodger began to stir in her arms, whimpering because she had stopped petting him.

“And I have a dog who has become addicted to your cuddles already. So actually, it seems like you don’t really have a choice here.”

He might have imagined it, but he was almost sure that he had heard a slight chuckle coming from her chest.

“But what about the snowman? He isn’t even halfway finished yet,” she tried to reason with him, sending the pitiful creature a soft look.

“You could come back and finish it tomorrow. I don’t think the owner of the property will mind.”

He could see her face fall in a second, and he had to try very hard to stifle a loud laugh.

“Oh shit! You mean this is private property?” Suddenly in a hurry, she jumped up, looking around frantically as if she was expecting the owner to jump out from somewhere to scold her.

Chris was standing up as well now, lifting his hands to calm her. “There’s no need to worry. I heard the owner is rather friendly. Someone once told me that all it really takes to appease him is to drink a nice cup of hot chocolate with him.”

Slowly the penny dropped, and she stopped her antics, turning to him in slow motion now, while her arms crossed in front of her chest.

“Is that so?” She watched him through narrowed eyes, lips pressed tightly together to hide the beginning of a smile. He nodded, shoulders pulling up as if to say ‘It seems so.’

“Well, in that case I think I don’t have a choice.” She smiled with full force now, reaching all the way up to her eyes, and despite the newly set in snowfall, he felt a warmth spread inside of him as he made his way over to her to walk her up to his front door.

“Would you like some cinnamon with your cocoa?” his voice came from the kitchen.

“I’d love some,” she shouted back, while she still took in her surroundings. He had asked her to sit down in the living room and make herself at home while he prepared their beverages. She had no idea what exactly she had expected when he had invited her in, but what she had found was so much more than she could have imagined. His house, or at least the bit she had seen, was beautiful. The country house style with its light colours and dark brown or grey contrasts made her feel at home immediately.

A chill crawled up her entire body though when she realised that her thighs were ice-cold underneath her jeans. Eagerly she grabbed the blanket that was lying next to her and draped it over her legs, bringing them up onto the sofa and tugging herself in. Her body turned a bit, one arm stretched out on the armrest, she gazed through the window behind her and watched the snow fall. She could do that for hours. There was something so utterly peaceful about the way it slowly fell down to earth and landed without even the slightest sound. This had been one of the reasons to move to this exact spot, the snow. Where she had lived before there had hardly ever been snow, and especially not around Christmas time. If they were lucky, there had been two or three days in February when there was snow, but as soon as it had come, it had been gone again.

The soft taps of Dodgers paws on the wooden floor suddenly brought her back to the moment, and before she knew what was happening, the dog had jumped up onto the sofa, making himself comfortable with his head placed in her lap.

“Dodger,” Chris warned, but Sarah stopped him with a wave of her hand.

“It’s fine. I can actually use a little extra warmth.”

“Oh, yeah, I see,” he nodded to the blanket she had covered her legs with. “Sorry, you must be freezing. Should I…Let me just quickly light a fire.”

Quickly he disposed of the two mugs he was carrying, and rushed over to the fireplace.

“No, please. I’m good. Don’t trouble yourself.”

“It’s no trouble at all. Doesn’t even take a minute.”

She shook her head, smiling to herself, while she watched him piling up some wood and lighting it. He waited a few moments until he was certain the fire wouldn’t go out again, before he walked back over to her. Careful not to spill anything, he balanced her mug in his hand, placing it in hers gently, her fingers touching his for a split second, making her eyes shoot up to his mesmerising blue orbs immediately.

“Jeez, your hands are ice-cold,” he observed, slightly worried.

“Yeah, I should probably buy a new pair of gloves now that I live in this snowy wonderland. Leather isn’t really appropriate against the cold.”

He smirked down at her, eyes sparkling promisingly. “Well, if you put them on your Christmas list, I’m sure Santa will bring you an extra warm pair. Until then,” his smirk widened significantly, “you’ll just have to come over here for some hot cocoa whenever your hands are cold.”

She smirked back at him while he let himself sink down into the armchair across from her. “Thank you, I’ll think about it.”

Sarah watched as he brought the mug up to his plush pink lips that sat so perfectly amidst his full beard, wrapping them around the pottery to carefully test the heat of the beverage. When he found it suit, he drank a big gulp. Mimicking his movements, she also let the cocoa roll over her tongue. It had just the right temperature and it tasted heavenly.

“Mmmm,” she moaned, “it’s wonderful.”

“Glad you like it,” came his humble reply, but then his smile faltered a little and she braced herself, knowing full well what would follow now. “So,” he introduced his request, “how would you feel about telling me that long story now you mentioned earlier?”

She avoided his gaze, placing her mug on her thigh and holding it in place with one hand, while the other dove down into Dodger’s silky soft fur for emotional support.

“Honestly, I’d rather not like to speak about it at all,” it took her every last bit of her courage to go on, “but since my shrink suggested talking about it might actually help me cope, I’m might as well give it a try.”

If she had looked up in that exact moment, she might have seen the remorse in his eyes, hating himself a bit for doing this to her, his free hand forming a tight fist on his thigh. But she didn’t look up, taking a deep breath instead before she finally started her story.

“Well, I think you might have guessed that I didn’t move here for a job or for love or any other of the usual stuff. I’m also afraid there was no noble reason behind my choice, like for example a sense of adventure or the urge for new experiences. No. None of that. The ugly truth is that I am here because I’m a coward, too weak to carry on with my daily life, and so I ran, as far away as I could.”

She took a huge swig of the cocoa, keeping her hand busy with Dodger’s fur. When she didn’t go on, Chris leaned forward in his armchair, elbows resting on his thighs, and with the most gentle voice she had ever heard, he asked with honest sympathy, “What did you run from?”

Biting her lip, she finally looked up, finding his eyes resting patiently on her. “My life,” she stated shortly, afraid her voice might break if she said another word.

It took her a moment to collect herself before she could go on. Inhaling deeply, she continued, “My boyfriend and I split up after eight years.” She paused for a second. “No, actually the truth is that he broke up with me. He was the one to make the final decision. I mean, I had felt it coming for a while then. I had been asking myself for at least a year if this was what I wanted for the rest of my life, if I was still happy in this relationship, if we were still headed in the same direction, but I always ended up seeing the good sides and settled for what made me feel secure and content, instead of risking it all for the great unknown. Of course, I had wondered many times if there was probably someone out there who would make me feel butterflies again, who could make me truly happy and I him, but what is happiness when you think about it? Happiness is only just a moment in time, right? No one can be happy all the time, that’s simply impossible. Happiness can only exist if there is sorrow as well and so I thought settling for the middle, contentment, wasn’t such a bad idea.”

From the corner of her eye she could see him nod, and his sympathy gave her the courage to continue.

“But when it was over, when he left, I…I just didn’t feel like myself anymore. I felt like everything that had made me me, had been ripped out and I was merely an empty shell. It was as if I was a stranger to myself and I felt so utterly out of place. Every single thing reminded me of him. I always thought ‘Now he would have said this’ or ‘He would have found that very amusing’. It was only then that I noticed how many words of his vocabulary had slipped into my own, how many habits I had adopted and every time I did I felt so utterly lonely. Yet I never cried, not a single tear, though my heart was heavy and hurting all the time.”

“Did you try to win him back?” he asked, his voice careful not to step on her feelings.

“No, I never did. I didn’t even think about trying because I knew that going our separate ways had been the right choice. We just weren’t on the same page anymore. But nevertheless it was a merciless and brutal act that broke me. And it wasn’t only the fact that I had lost my lover and my best friend, the thing that hurt the most was how we went from the most intimate relationship I’d ever had with anyone in my life to total strangers in only a few days. And the one thing I thought I could always count on was gone in the blink of an eye.”

A silent tear escaped her eyes. She had felt it coming but she didn’t find the strength to hold it in anymore. Slowly Chris got up, put his mug aside and walked over to her, repeating the same with her mug before he shooed Dodger away and sat down next to her. Wordlessly he pulled her into his arms.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, while his hand gently cupped the back of her head, “I shouldn’t have asked you to tell me your story. If I had known how much—“

“No,” she sobbed, her head resting in the crook of his neck, “I’m sorry. I’m a mess.”

“Hey,” he cupped her cheeks with his warm hands, thumbs softly wiping away her tears as he made her look at him, “you’re not a mess. You’re hurting, okay, that’s totally fine. We’ve all been there.”

“But I’m weak. I ran like a coward instead of facing my pain and look where it got me. I’m crying into the shoulder of a total stranger, making him regret that he didn’t throw me off his property as he had probably planned on when he came up to me on that meadow.”

There was something in his eyes that told her she had somehow hit the right spot. God, she was so pathetic.

“I think I should leave.” And before he could say anything, she pushed herself out of his arms and stood up.

“Wait. What—?” She heard him get up as well when she made her way over to her shoes that stood on a rug by the front door. Hastily she pulled them on, grabbing her jacket that lay on a small bench nearby.

“Thank you for the cocoa. And sorry for the shitload of emotional garbage I repaid you with,” she hastily babbled while she wrapped her scarf around her neck and hurried outside into the still falling snow.

“Sarah, please, I…”

But she didn’t hear him anymore as she rushed off into the approaching darkness, eager to get away from him as far as possible. Tears were streaming down her face freely now and she let them. By the time she reached her house, her lungs were burning like fire from exhausting herself so much in the crisp December air. Hastily she shut the door behind her, turning the lock, before she began to rid herself off her clothes that felt like they were caging her in somehow, letting them fall down carelessly on her way to the bedroom. By the time she had reached her bed, she was only in her underwear, a t-shirt and her wool socks, pushing the covers up hastily to burry herself underneath them completely, shutting out the world at last.

It was only in the comfort of her little cave that she could feel the agony slowly retreat from her body, and after a while the tears stopped coming and her breath evened out, no more ugly sobs or whimpers, only a leaden heaviness remained that filled her bones, pulling her down into the familiar nothingness of sleep that wrapped around her body, providing her with the only comfort she had known in the last ten months.

Part 2

***

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