#i have no idea where im going tbh. first thought is instagram but i hate it on like. an ideological level even tho i use it daily

[aropride]

(youtube/pinterest/twitch arent here bc theyre primarily for looking at content rather than making posts, and discord/snapchat/other messaging apps arent here bc theyre primarily for messaging)

[organic-guacamole]

episode 209 spoilers below

I'm so late today but here it is

I love EJ, he's finally learning to be happy. I'm so proud.

Ms Jenn = every boomer during zoom calls, like jeez yes we can hear you stop shouting at me.

LOVE THE SUBTLE JOKE ABOUT QUARANTINE "these dark times" "you mean spring break?"

ah yes, remember when we thought covid was just gonna give us a longer spring break? good times

SEBLOS

damn the passive aggressiveness from Carlos and the absolutely over it tone from seb✋

CASWELL COUSINS!!!!! THEY'RE THE BEST!!!!

we needed more if this kind of goofiness for the first part of season 2 that only such an iconic duo can provide.

old old movies-

is it even that old, or is Nini being a gen alpha rn-

i choose to imagine EJ being scared of the movie and hiding in Ashlyn's shoulder while she keeps a straight face and then EJ pretending to be tough afterwards

aww redlyn are soulmates.... yknow, if gingers had souls

(please ignore me)

y'all saw how EJ's face *lit up* when Gina logged on? how dare you tell me he doesn't like her

ofc she's no damsel in distress, she's Gina porter, she's amazing.

so do we think she'd be the type to just glare at suspicious people? or bark at them

do they not know that Rini broke up? or is Ms Jenn just wanting Nini to suffer through her heartbreak to make her a better actress....

speaking of, why is Nini in the call? she's not in the show anymore. Unless she is, even after the rose and the song got cut, which would be so unfair to all those that auditioned properly before she even came back but whatever, she's the main character I get it 🙄

big red is a hero honestly, Nini better thank him for changing the subject like that

I can't-

i won't work you over the break-

this woman would 100% work her kids 24/7 if it was legal and idk how to feel about it.

YES GINA USE THAT CHARM

QUEEN

FRENCH QUEEN

SHE LEARNT FROM THE BEST (antoine obvi)

smh the airport lady, eavesdropping on Gina's call.

The way she was so happy to answer EJ's call, "eej"

I love them your honour.

EJ WITH PAINTED NAILS YES PLEASE

great now we need to see Gina, Ashlyn and EJ having a complete spa day and EJ getting really into it and Gina and Ashlyn take pictures of him when he's laying down in a robe with a mask and cucumbers on his eyes.

finally we get to see Gina's side of portwell

the way she considered it as flirting, this is the sign she asked for in episode 6 come onnnnn

no is Asher/jack really doing tiktok dances in an airport-

Ricky is me. I am burrito.

oh Lynne, sweetie, I'm sorry but the blonde hair is not it

is that even the same lady or-

THE BEAN

THE CHICAGO BEAN

THE BIG OLD METAL BEAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CITY 😭

jetlag is my go to excuse for anything... I haven't travelled in 2 years.

"welcome to the Lynne and Mike gossip show. where we talk about our depressed son that we both neglect in certain ways! And now a word from our sponsor, Nord VPN..."

SO MANY CANDLES

WHAT DEMON IS LYNNE TRYING TO SUMMON IN HIS ROOM-

is Nina becoming social media obsessed EJ from season 1? AND SHE LIED ABOUT HAVING SONGS TOO PLEASE WHY ARW THEY RECYCLING THE SAME PLOT-

Gina smiling at the picture of her family on Instagram makes me so happy, idek why.

EJ's nails are so pretty, we needed to see it more (unless he had it on for the rest of the episode and I just.... didn't notice🧍🏽‍♀️)

oh not the tiktok kid✋

yes ma'am end this strange mans whole tiktok career

sir take a hint and leave

GINA NO DONT SAY YOUR LAST NAME HE COULD BE A HUMAN TRAFFICKER

Ricky, walking in style✨

weird kid, ok then Lynne, can't you see he's this close to the edge?

not all your fault baby Ricky, Nini sucks a bit more

RICKY YOU DIDN'T COME DOWN HARD ON THE SONG-

YOU ASKED WHAT IT WAS ABOUT AND SHE SHUT YOU DOWN-

PLEASE DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF

ok but the deleting comment thing was very bad

still don't know if I like Jack honestly

hmmm so Nini's calling herself Nini instead of Nina in her little egg seat, while trying to write a song without inspiration.... Nini, honey, Ricky was your muse, he inspired you to write all those songs, even if it wasn't good for the relationship.

that doesn't mean you gotta get back with him, or that you can't write a song that not about him butttt it'll take some time

the rainbow sticker in her box and her rainbow shirt-

anyways wbk she's not totally straight

Jack are you a criminal?

quick, Gina, check his ankle for a tracker

THE YES AND PRACTICE STRIKES AGAIN

the way Gina wasn't into it in episode 6 but she's used the technique twice now

stole her grandma's Pomeranian-

Jack where the hell did you pull that out from-

the fake crying killed me, that looks like so much fun though

anyone wanna raid a first class lounge with me?

wait so is jack not gonna go in with her?

wouldn't he go in too? help look for the credit card? SO CONFUSED

the first class lounge guy was so into the drama though, watch his face when they start arguing 😭

sorry to break this to you Kourtney, but you haven't even blocked the second act yet soooo...

take that as you will

I love how all of them are totally dissing the dance off

that's the most realistic part of this show tbh

shouldn't Nini have asked how she knew....since the start? why is the fact that her best friend has knowledge of a North high secret now dawning on her...

Howie is sweet honestly, at least he's trying to help. but I stand with Kourtney, don't take him back just because he sang an amazing song, and is giving you a heads up on what's gonna happen...

KOURTNEY IS ME TRYING TO LEAVE AN ONLINE CLASS

I hate school

ooo Nini's writing a song about bad internet connection 🤩🤩🤩

I never lie, except when I do-

son that is the creepiest thing you could say to a stranger that you've been "helping"

2 truths and a lie👀

he's an Ariana fan 100%

called it.

OLDER BROTHER-

WHAT-

free spirit? damn so brother porter was in that horse movie

so has she been kissed or not?????????

I feel like she's moved more than 15 times though so possibly

but then if she's moved so much, and before east high she never opened up to anyone, she's never been kissed then?? damn

same though Gina so let's be besties please

heartbreak president is a great song title idea, give Nini a call rn

but wait

is the no strings attached feeling thing about her telling Ricky she liked him? she thought she was moving away so she thought it'd be no strings attached???

guys I think I figured it out insert the "I've connected two dots" meme

THE DUKE SWEATSHIRT

IS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND'S

OMG I LOVE I LOVE

NOT THAT I KNOW OF???

ma'am did you just kill me

yes you did

Lynne and Ricky have such a weird relationship

YES IT DID SUCK

TODD SUCKS

LYNNE SUCKS

yeah I get that you wanted Ricky to like Todd BUT THAT WASN'T THE TIME

right so we already know that Ricky was so desperate to keep Nini cuz he didn't want to be like his parents, and now Lynne's talking about this-

Richard needs a long hug

yes Lynne, it is your fault. thank you for finally admitting it.

YES DYE YOUR HAIR

BLOND HIGHLIGHTS RICKY WILL RISE AGAIN

"sometimes the best, last thing you can do for someone you love, is let them go."

gotta admit I teared up at that point

not me thinking big red was calling ms Jenn cupcake for a hot second-

Carlos please omg, you're at the "beach" and they're leaving for the pool?

also, why not just do the call from the hotel room please omg

"don't ask me"

"Carlos"

OMG WHAT HAPPENED

big red wants the tea

O M G

SEB IS JEALOUS

JEALOUS SEBBY IS MY FAVOURITE THING IDC

I'm surprised ms Jenn knew how to give Nini permission to screenshare tbh

So lily's been stalking the East high kids and spending time editing this video while she's supposedly in an immersion trip.... right

EJ and Ashlyn's picture is so chaotic, what even is happening there

"slacking off" bestie its spring break, obviously they're confident enough that they'll get it done in time so why not focus on your own musical.

jealous seb = sassy seb

please what if those guys Carlos is posing with are his cousins or something and that's why he's so confused about Seb

6 YEAR OLD EJ I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM

Nini saying she's obsessed with her ex, that's not weird at all 👍

I can just tell Matt had a blast harassing Julia with those puppets.

Jack please dont be like that, "yet"

chances are you'll never see eachother again 🥰

(honestly sometimes I really miss those friends I made on trips and stuff when we'd spend the day or week together, only to never see them again....those were the good days though)

Ashlyn and Nini should write more songs..... something better than this one at least

Nini: "im good"

cue the Tia Mowry (please I can't spell) crying gif

oh I forgot Ricky was in the show for a hot second

1. where did Gina get to film this without people being around

2. did she just... randomly change her clothes???

ok but the transition between Carlos and EJ

*chefs kiss*

now everyone shut up, EJ's singing

oh i think I'm pregnant

HIS MUSCLES

YES KOURTNEY

I love how big red and Kourtney went from being "the best friends™" to the couple in season 1, to kinda close themselves and having their own plots

sebby makes me so happy

props to biggies editing skills honestly

PORTWELL BEING SIDE TO SIDE I CANT

AND SEBLOS OMG

big red lives for the drama

"wow" so true Ricky

no he is not cute, stop it

"holding" ok that's kinda cute

yeah EJ's a lucky guy😌

jokes aside, it's not that hard to exchange numbers-

keep in touch if you want

ok I really like Jack now

if he comes back in season 3, maybe have him be LGBTQ+ ?

like the only out characters they have rn are Seb and Carlos and they're like the sterotypes, yk?

I'd love to see jack kinda break the mold

Ricky's breaking my heart

that song just hurts

the only thing

now I don't hate Lynne????????

HOW DARE THEY WRITE IN A PROPER REDEMPTION ARC FOR HER

UGH IM SUPPOSED TO HATE HER FOREVER

I mean I don't live her now but she's good

but honestly

"mom can I show you something"

IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL

THE PICTURE AND EVERYTHING OMG

I'm sobbing please help

Gina saying she's just waiting for the right guy and then EJ coming to the airport to pick her up late at night without her asking, offering to bring her back in the morning so she won't have to Uber, bringing her a granola bar (WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE FORGOT TO PACK) and without expecting anything in return???

ms ma'am you've got a keeper right there

her smile at the end was so heartwarming I really can't.

this episode was great.

it felt really short but I liked it, great character development for Ricky, Lynne and Gina.

Cant wait for next episode to see more of EJ being the ideal boyfriend /hj

[kim-seungmine]

the time is now

title: the time is now

characters: (fem) reader x kim seungmin of stray kids (feat. choi lia of itzy, lee felix + bang chan of stray kids)

genres: romance, rich kid au, friends to lovers au, (sort of!) mafia au, dedicating this to 191109 seungmin & levanter era!seungmin

word count: 7.9k 

warnings: alcohol consumption, violence (nothing too wild tho), i haven’t proofread, idk what im doing tbh (but seungmin drives an aston martin i hope that makes you feel better)

synopsis: you and seungmin spent years pushing each other away, only to be confronted by your biggest fears when you finally decided to stop running away.

a/n: i hope this doesn’t suck :(((

Summer is for fun. Summer is for rest. Summer is for romance.

But summer is also for opportunities, and that’s the sole reason why you’re standing inside the Laura Ryu boutique—where you can’t even afford its cheapest pair of earrings. The luxury fashion brand is open for internships for the very first time and now it’s one of those “a million girls would kill for that job” positions in South Korea.

“Good morning, everyone.”

The sweet but regal voice belongs to Julia Choi, Laura Ryu’s daughter who’s specifically flew back from New York to Seoul for the summer to help her mother managing the internship. You know her better as Choi Jisu, your childhood friend who’s currently attending Parsons School of Design.

“I’m Choi Jisu, and I’m going to be your mentor throughout the internship. Well, technically I’m responsible for all of you here so please, stay in one piece until the end of summer although it’s going to be absolute hell, okay?”

Everyone laughs, and soon you’re ushered to one big studio inside. You see a placard with your name on one of the table and quickly head there, giving Jisu a little wave as she tells the other interns to find their stations.

After all the interns are seated, Jisu claps, effectively silencing everyone. “And now, something to motivate you,” she announces. “We’re going to monitor every single one of you and by the end of summer, we’re going to choose one intern to help with our next collection. How’s that sound?”

Excited whispers are heard all over the room, and you hope you’ll survive summer in one piece.

“Y/N! Wait up!”

Jisu is running down the stairs, her heels making loud clacking sounds against the marble floor. She envelops you in a tight hug the moment you’re within an arm’s reach. You’ve missed Jisu, it feels like it’s been ages since you volunteered at the animal shelter together.

“I can’t believe you actually applied!” she chirps.

You chuckle. “Well, I can’t believe I actually got in.”

Jisu snorts. “Oh please. I don’t need to see your portfolio to know how amazing it is. You’re probably the only one who sent a proper portfolio.”

She greets the shopkeepers, leading you outside. “Are you free? Let’s catch up!” she offers. You nod, linking your arm with hers. “What do you want to do? Coffee?”

“O—”

A white Aston Martin pulls over in front of you, causing Jisu to gasp and check her watch. The window rolls down, revealing an annoyed Kim Seungmin on the driver’s seat. “Yah Choi Jisu,” he snaps. “I know I’m just your insignificant cousin, but couldn’t you at least tell me that you were going to be at your Mom’s boutique the whole day?”

“Oh shoot, sorry Seungmin! I totally forgot,” Jisu panics, turning to you with apologetic eyes. “It’s okay,” you assure her. “Go. You’re stuck with me for the whole summer anyways.”

She shakes her head. “No, I’m not gonna leave you behind. Seungmin, you don’t mind if I bring Y/N along, do you?”

Yeah, Kim Seungmin. Someone from your “summer is for romance” phase two years ago. You’re well aware that you’re an intern at his aunt’s boutique, but you thought you wouldn’t meet him since he’s set to take over his father’s law firm instead of becoming the heir of Laura Ryu’s fashion empire.

“It’s fine,” you refuse. “We can hang out some other time, Jisu. You two have fun!”

“Come with us,” Seungmin interjects, calmly as usual. Two years of not seeing him in flesh has weakened your defense. Seungmin has always looked fine, but now he looks ten times hotter with his dirty blond hair and you’re cursing yourself for being so shallow. Jisu shrugs, opening the door and pulling you inside.

Seungmin glances at the empty passenger seat then at the rear-view mirror. “So where are we headed, Young Mistresses?” he asks, his tone both sarcastic and playful.

“We were going to grab some coffee. Just stop by at the first Starbucks you see,” Jisu answers before attacking you with questions. Seungmin mumbles an, “Okay Miss” before making a u-turn. You feel all eyes are on you when you enter the café, suddenly realizing that you just stepped out of Kim Seungmin’s Aston Martin with Choi Jisu attached to your side.

For a split second, you forgot that you’re hanging out with South Korea’s top socialites who are way too cool for Starbucks.

After getting your orders, the three of you are chatting about every little thing. “And how is our little Byul? Has she been adopted?”

You and Seungmin exchange awkward glances, causing Jisu to cock an eyebrow. “What happened?”

“I didn’t go to the shelter last year,” you confess.

“Me neither,” Seungmin mumbles, sipping his Americano in a haste.

“Okay, neither of you went to the shelter last year, so what? What are you guys being so weird about?”

“Nothing,” you and Seungmin answer in unison. Jisu examines your face and snaps her fingers, seeming to get the idea. “Well, if that’s the case… why don’t you two talk things out?”

“Wait what happened to catching up?” you panic, while Seungmin grabs his cup and stands up. “I should drive you home,” he says.

Jisu clicks her tongue. “Sit down, both of you.”

You and Seungmin do as told, begging her with your eyes to save yourselves from this situation. “As you said, Y/N, we’re stuck together for the whole summer so we still have a lot of time. And no thank you, dear cousin. I’ll just take the cab. See you!”

Your friend smiles at you one last time before walking out, stopping the first cab she can find. You turn to Seungmin, finally letting yourself indulge in his pretty eyes that only seem to warm up whenever you’re around. Contrary to popular belief, there’s nothing special about Kim Seungmin except for the fact that he’s a straight-As law student, looks both adorable and hot, and is actually a sweet, humble boy despite being filthy rich.

Okay, you’re definitely not over him.

Seungmin clears his throat. “So, how’s the internship so far?”

“It was only my first day,” you answer. “We didn’t do much yet. The real fight starts tomorrow, I guess.”

“You’re in good hands. Jisu handles everything well, and her Mom won’t even show up until the last day so you’re going to have fun.”

You laugh. “But one of the interns is going to be included in the team in charge of the next collection so I suppose your aunt will appear once in a while, right?”

“She’ll be in Paris the whole summer,” Seungmin explains. “Jisu begged her to let her handle the program because she misses home, and here we are now.”

“How about you? Been doing fine, I guess?”

The little spark in Seungmin’s eyes fades at your question. He stands up, returning your puzzled gaze with a cold one. “Let me take you home.”

“You don’t need to,” you retort, slightly offended. “Seungmin, did I say something wrong?”

“No, you didn’t,” he denies. “Please let me take you home. Jisu will kill me if I leave you alone here.”

You’re not satisfied with his answer, but decide to follow him. Seungmin enters the driver’s seat and starts the engine, heading to your neighbourhood without a word. “You still remember where I live?” you ask.

“I’m a law student Y/N. I can remember a lot of things.”

You let out an exasperated sigh. This is probably the only thing you hate about Seungmin: he shuts down everyone the moment he shows a hint of weakness. “Seungmin… are you okay?” you try again. “I’m not getting off until I get a proper answer.”

Jisu once told you that everyone in their big family sees a therapist every month; you know for sure that Seungmin must be their favorite patient because they get paid a fortune for counselling a very good boy who answers everything with positive words.

Seungmin is a strong, positive guy, but not all the time. People tend to forget that. He tends to forget that.

Looking at how tense he is, you decide to drop the subject. “How’s Chan and Felix?” you ask while scrolling through your Instagram feed, looking at a photo of the said boys posing in front of their luxury cars.

Seungmin’s eyes soften at the mention of his best friends. “Aren’t you the one who go to the same university?” he questions endearingly.

Christopher Bang and Felix Lee were your classmates in Fashion Journalism—a class which Felix signed up for by mistake. He tried to have it erased from his timetable, but changed his mind when he realized that everyone in that class was girls. Soon, his best bro Chris Bang joined him and when they found out you were friends with Seungmin and Jisu too, they wouldn’t leave you alone.

“Yeah, but everytime I want to say hi they’re always surrounded by their friends.”

“You mean Seo Changbin, Lee Minho and Yang Jeongin?”

You nod. Seungmin laughs, slowing down his pace as he reaches your neighbourhood. “Just say hi. Those guys are harmless.”

“Easy for you to say,” you scoff. “Seo Changbin radiates this ‘you can’t sit with us’ vibes stronger than those girls in Mean Girls.”

“I mean it,” he repeats. “Just say hi. Felix calls you all the time anyways. You’re a part of their so-called circle.”

“You mean your circle?” you correct him jokingly, unfastening your seatbelt as he smoothly hits the brake in front of your house. “Thank you for taking me home.”

Seungmin smiles your favorite smile, the one where his eyes disappear into crescent moons. The door is opened, yet you’re just sitting there, trying to look for answers inside Seungmin’s doe eyes.

“What is it?”

You chew your bottom lip, shaking your head. “Nothing.”

Your Golden Retriever puppy named Sun died when you were in fifth grade. You couldn’t function for the rest of summer, so your Dad suggested that you volunteer at an animal shelter. You eventually registered for a 2-week volunteer program where you fell in love with a lively Pomeranian you ended up adopting and a lovely boy named Kim Seungmin.

You and Seungmin went to different schools (he attended an elite all-boys school), the volunteer program was the only time you could meet him. He brought his cousin Choi Jisu the next year, and it became a routine for the three of you from then on. Your beautiful friendship was perfect until your 18th birthday, when Seungmin gifted you a box full of photos of you he had taken as your birthday present.

After 8 years, you finally realized that Kim Seungmin wasn’t just a friend you volunteered with. He was the one you played hide and seek with, he was the one who taught you to use a camera, he was the one who sang to you when you cried after one of the dogs in the shelter got sick.

“Have I ever told you that I love your voice?” you asked him on one Sunday morning, right before you turned 20. “You could be a singer.”

“No, but thank you. You said it right when I started doubting myself.”

“This is not an empty compliment, Seungmin. I’m serious.”

Seungmin ruffled your hair, eyes lighting up at your seriousness. “You never say empty words, Y/N. I know that.”

After a few minutes of trying to find the right response and not finding any, you decided to let his compliment hang in the air. You laid beside him, keeping a safe distance because hearing him breathe so peacefully was enough to mess up your insides.

Seungmin turned to you, and for a while he just stayed like that, quietly examining your face while you were on the verge of freaking out.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

He didn’t change his position, eyes still locked on your face as he whispered, “I asked myself that too, but I honestly don’t know. I just hope I can see you like this forever. Seeing you makes me happy.”

Speechless, you didn’t dare to meet his eyes. How were you supposed to react? Was Seungmin drunk?

“Seriously,” you croaked to break the silence. “You should audition to become an idol or something.”

“Should I?”

“Well, depends whether you want it or not, but go ahead if you want! You have nothing to lose anyways!”

His lips curled into a sad smile. “Nothing to lose? Y/N, money isn’t the only thing I have.”

Whenever you started to feel that maybe you and Seungmin could become something more, the universe always made sure to remind you that he wasn’t just a boy you grew up with. He was the only son of a successful lawyer who rode limousine to school and owned a black credit card he used without thinking. He appeared on nation’s newspaper after attending exclusive parties you could only dream of going. He was someone who flew to London with private jet over the weekend because he wanted to take some photos.

You laughed, locking eyes with him without realizing. “But with your money you can have everything, Seungmin. You and Jisu are different from the rest of us.”

Ten years of friendship and you never once talked about this. You knew Seungmin wouldn’t mind; he wasn’t the type who liked to flaunt his wealth, but he wasn’t one of those people who didn’t like to be reminded of how loaded they were. He never cared. But you were afraid he would think that you did, so you always avoided making comparisons.

That day, you had to do it. Maybe you were too protective of yourself, but you couldn’t risk getting hurt. One little slash on your heart, and the wound would leave a permanent scar.

Seungmin hummed in agreement, breaking the eye contact to look at the clear sky.

He left the shelter the next day, and you never talked to him again.

“Jisuuuu,” you whine as Jisu pulls you into Rose’s, a fancy bar that she frequents. “I thought we were just going to hang out!”

“We are!” Jisu exclaims, waving at the bartender before choosing a spot. She orders you a drink you’re not familiar with before pouting at you. “Okay, sorry for not telling you, but we’re not gonna hang out alone today.”

The door opens, revealing Chan and Felix. The latter immediately throws his arms around you, and you can’t help but break into an endearing laugh. “Y/N!!!! Why is it so hard to meet you? Don’t you miss your expensive friends?!”

You pull away from his grip. “Excuse me, but since when your socialite agenda includes your humble friend right here?”

Felix pouts, ordering a glass of Dry Martini while Chan and Jisu are whispering among themselves. You scoot closer to them. “What are you guys whispering about?”

The three of them snicker at the same time and you figure this isn’t just the usual “hanging out” session.

You turn to Chan. “Bang Chan, spill.”

“Wow, hearing someone that’s not my parents calling me Bang Chan is so refreshing,” Chan says. “It’s like having 2 personalities. Christopher is this hot, alluring, seductive man no one ever says no to, while Bang Chan is his inner child—soft, caring, funny… but still hot—”

Jisu shoots Chan a deathly glare before smiling at you. “You like Seungmin, don’t you?”

You take a sip of your drink and let her question sink in. Looking at your friends’ faces, you know that it wasn’t even a question. They feel it, and there’s no use of denying your feelings anymore.

“And that’s all we need to know!” Chan exclaims, standing up from his seat. He slips in a few dollars into the bartender’s pocket. “Seungmin doesn’t know we were here.”

Felix slaps his shoulder. “Bro you were literally the one who told him to come here. Stop trying to be cool.”

“Ah… you’re right,” Chan answers as Jisu rolls her eyes. “But anyways, Seungmin is will be here soon. Talk to him, okay?”

After waving them goodbye, you glance at your surroundings. Everyone is chatting with their friends while sipping their drinks happily; they’re in their natural habitat, while you’re just sitting there hoping Seungmin will come soon so you can get out of there as soon as possible. The bartender notices your uneasiness and offers you another drink to try.

Just as you start contemplating to leave, Seungmin enters the bar. He gives you a small wave when his eyes land on you, like it’s natural to see you there. The bartender serves 2 glasses of drinks before Seungmin even reaches you, “Gin and tonic, Mr. Kim’s favorite.”

Taking off his suit, Seungmin sits beside you and sips his drink. “When Chan kept terrorizing me to get here ASAP I know something’s up,” he says, examining your face. “… and you want to leave.”

Without waiting for your answer, Seungmin takes his coat. “Put it on my tab,” he tells the bartender, putting his hand on the small of your back and leads you out.

“Do you want to talk?” he asks after you’re sitting inside his car. “For real this time.”

He sounds apologetic, hurt and hopeful all at once and you recall everything you said to him two years ago. Those words left a deep scar in your heart, you can only imagine how broken Seungmin must have been.

“Yeah, we do need to talk.”

You never want to allow yourself to feel insecure, but the voices in your head get wild sometimes. You hate to admit it, the same way Seungmin hates to admit that he’s not always the calm and strong heir everyone expects him to be.

The only way to tune out those voices is to visit the park near your house to play on the swings

Seungmin has rolled up his sleeves so he could help you push the swings. You try to look over your shoulder. “Kim Seungmin what are you doing? Push it harder!” you demand, to which he shakes his head.  

He continues to push the swings gently, still allowing you to feel the cold wind on your face. “No,” he answers firmly. “You’ll get sick.”

Knowing you can’t change his mind, you just let him set the pace, and soon your heart starts to feel lighter. The voices get muffled by Seungmin’s low humming. You have a lot of explaining to do, yet he hasn’t said anything, not even telling you to smile a little. This time you’re not sure if it’s because of the swings or Seungmin or both, but the voices are almost gone now and you decide that’s enough for tonight.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper quietly. Seungmin stops pushing, letting the swings moves by itself before coming to a halt. He kneels down in front of you, a frown on his face. “Why? What did you do?”

“Two years ago… I’m sorry I pushed you away,” you sigh. “I’m sorry I did it like that. And I’m sorry for pestering you the other day. I don’t have any right to force you to tell me things.”

Seungmin heaves a sigh, grabbing your hand to stop you from fiddling with your shirt. He slowly laces his fingers with yours, the warmth of his eyes reminding you of the old happy days when the two of you would sneak out from the shelter to have a picnic under the clear sky. “And I shouldn’t have left,” he reminds you. You only stare into each other’s eyes until he blurts out, “Can we start over?”

You almost cry at how easy and right it feels. You spent years of your adolescent life telling yourself that this wouldn’t work, the wall you built to protect your heart was destroyed by the very person you built it for. But you find it impossible to lie when he’s looking at you with so much hope and adoration. When you finally nod, Seungmin rewards you with his toothy grin that always makes your insides flip.

The voices in your head shout out warnings at you, but you quickly shut all of them down. You’re not going to let them win. You’re not going to let them stop you from loving the only boy you want to love.

“Let’s take things slow, yeah?”

Seungmin beams at your words, pulling you up to envelop you in his arms. He waits until you relax before tightening his hold. You rest your forehead on his shoulder, breathing him in as he mouths words you can’t decipher into your hair. “Remember when you managed to persuade that young couple to adopt Vivi?”

“My lucky day,” you murmur, unconsciously pulling him closer to you.

“It was my lucky day too.”

“Of course it was! The owner also bought you chicken when Jisu and I were the ones working hard! You just nodded along with us!”

Seungmin chuckles. “I got to hold you for the first time that day. You were so happy that Vivi got a new home that you just jumped into my arms. Then you started crying and ruined my Balenciaga shirt, but I was beyond happy. You stayed in my arms until you fell asleep, and I got to watch you sleep.”

You pinch his waist softly. “You’re such a creep.”

Seungmin’s laugh only makes you feel even giddier than you already are, so you just close your eyes and relish in the feeling of his arms wrapping around your waist securely. “Shall we go to Jeju tomorrow?” he suggests.

“Jeju?”

He pulls away, enough for him to see your face but still holding you close. “Yeah. I can book us tickets so we can fly tomorrow and spend the whole weekend there. You don’t have internships on weekends, right? We’ll go to pretty places and I’ll take hundreds of pretty photos of you. We can have dinner by the beach since our villa is facing the ocean. You love seafood, right? Our chefs—”

“Kim Seungmin, what happened to taking things slow?” you giggle, causing him to let out a cute frustrated groan. “I’m sorry. How about a road trip to Busan then?”

“You can drive to Busan?”

“You’re underestimating me, love.”

Seungmin’s phone rings when you’re about to utter a sassy remark. He glances at the caller and releases you, his eyes turn cold as he accepts the call. “Yes, father?”

You can’t hear what his father is saying, but whatever it is, Seungmin doesn’t look happy. You reach for his hand carefully, and he quickly squeezes yours while responding to his father in a polite, business-like manner. He walks you to your house, telling his father that he’ll be home soon.

Seungmin pulls you into his arms again as soon as he slides his phone into his pocket. “Duty calls?”

“Mhm,” he replies. “As you can see, I had a meeting today, and Father wants updates.”

“He already involves you in meetings? That’s cool!”

“Nah, I can’t voice out any opinion yet. I’m just there to listen.”

Seungmin detaches himself from you, pressing a chaste kiss on your cheek. “So, I’ll pick you up at 6?”

You nod, not even bothering to protest that it’s too early because you want to see him again soon. Seungmin enters his car and starts the engine. He rolls down the window, grinning when he sees you wave at him. The phone call must have bothered him, but you decided to let it slide. “Text me when you get home,” you tell him.

Take things slow. You have to take things slow.  

Not only does Seungmin know how to drive to Busan (while looking extremely attractive behind the wheels), he also knows Busan like the back of his palm. He took you to all the pretty places and took pretty photos of you as promised. Now you’re at the balcony of the Kim family villa (you figure they have apartments and villas scattered in the whole country), nestled in Seungmin’s arms while waiting for the sun to set.

“Wait, sit over there!” Seungmin forces you to move from your spot to the end of the couch. “The angle is pretty!” He snaps a few photos with his newest Leica camera that’s worth a car. You give him your silliest poses before bursting into a fit of giggles. Seungmin puts the camera on the coffee table and pulls you back to him. “Enough photos for today,” he mutters, settling you on his lap. Seungmin never struck you as someone who loves skinship, but he never misses a chance to wrap you in his arms, and you’re not complaining. He probably feels the same blissful comfort you feel whenever the two of you touch.

The sun begins to set, and for a while you focus your gaze on the sky, admiring the way the sun paints it with shades of orange. Seungmin shifts underneath you, pressing a kiss on your exposed shoulder to earn your attention. You meet his eyes, and you see a tinge of worry in them. “What is it?”

Seungmin takes an awfully long time to answer your question, causing you to cup his face. “Tell me.”

“Do you trust me?”

The question has you frowning. “Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?”

Seungmin smiles, but the tinge of worry is still reflected through his orbs. “Whatever happens, I’ll try my best to make this work, okay? I’ll do anything to make this work. I want you in my life, more than you can imagine.”

“Seungmin—”

“There will be days when I’ll be away for meetings, there will be days when I’ll feel like absolute shit because of my Father and the business,” he reveals. “Sometimes it will feel like I’m keeping you in the dark and I know you won’t like that, but there are so many things I need to sort out now, and I can’t tell you anything yet. Is that okay?”

You can’t base your relationship on not-knowing! You can’t base your relationship on excuses and blind faith!

“Is it too much if I ask you not to let me wait for too long?”

Seungmin shakes his head so fast you wonder if it hurts his neck. “You know how smart I am,” he boasts. “Trust me, you’ll be amazed at how good I am in getting things done.”

“You better be, there are a lot of people waiting for your help, Lawyer Kim.”

Your boyfriend chuckles. “Speaking of getting things done, I have a request for you.”

“Request?”

“There’s this masked ball held by Chan’s Dad next month, and we’re all attending. I’ve been looking for a nice mask, but everything seems mediocre. Will you design one for me?”

You squeal, immediately attacking him in a tight hug. You’ve always wanted to design jewelries, including masks. The mere thought of buying the materials, matching the design according to Seungmin’s style and drawing all the pretty details launch you to cloud 9 in an instant.

“I guess you like it,” Seungmin singsongs. “I have one more request though.”

You tilt your head in excitement.

“I want you to be my date.”

Your smile falters, but Seungmin tug at your lips softly, gesturing at you to smile again. “Everyone will wear a mask and you’ll only take it off at midnight, so we can leave before midnight if you want. Besides, I’m just a guest. All eyes will be on Chan.”

“But what kind of dress am I supposed to wear? Everyone will—”

“Aren’t you a designer? You’ve sewed a lot of dresses, wear one of them.”

“But they’re not from designer brands, aren’t you ashamed?”

“I don’t care,” Seungmin tells you in the most caring tone. “You’re you, not Julia Choi. Not Felix Lee. Not Christopher Bang. And you’re not me.”

Flashbacks from your painful conversation two years ago come in a flash, but now both of you are looking at it from a whole different perspective. Your smile slowly returns, and Seungmin huffs a sigh of relief. “That’s my girl.”

“Can I tell you something too?”

He nods.

“There will be days when I’ll feel like I’ll never be good enough to succeed in anything,” you begin, biting your lip to prevent tears from falling. “I don’t let myself dwell on it most of the time, but sometimes I fail. Is that okay?”

Seungmin cradles your face, wiping your tears with his thumbs. “I’m here, aren’t I? I’ll knock some sense into you whenever you’re about to drown in self-pity!”

You pat his head in return, hoping that this Seungmin—the one whose eyes radiate sunshine and voice laced with honey, the one whose laugh sounds like a sweet melody—will be the Seungmin he shows to the rest of the world more.

Seungmin is still cradling your face, gaze flickering to your lips every now and then, triggering you to do glance at his lips in return. The pull is too tempting, you wonder if you should just crash your lips on his or let him decide for you.

“Is it okay if I kiss you?” he whispers, barely audible. Your eyes flutter close, and Seungmin doesn’t waste any time. His lips meet yours in a fleeting kiss, making your breath hitch at how soft and burning his lips feel. Seungmin kisses you deeply, taking his time to savor you and you’re going insane at the way he clutches your waist, the way he hums everytime you pull him closer. It’s almost too much, yet at the same you know he’s still holding back as if he’s afraid that this is all just a fever dream.

“Seungmin, please.”

“Mhmm?” he tries to speak against your lips, hazy eyes gazing into yours.

“More,” you breathe out, determined to make him let go and kiss you the way he wishes to although you’re blushing like mad. “I’m not going anywhere, so just kiss me.”

“You sure?” he mutters, eyes waiting for your approval.

You close your eyes again, and right that moment you feel Seungmin’s lips move against yours. This time, he lets go. Hovering over you, he pours all the feelings he had suppressed for years into the kiss. You’re soon lost in all the love and passion he has for you, his every touch eating your skin alive. You’re lost in Seungmin, Seungmin, Seungmin and you hope he knows you feel the same.

“Stay still!” you yelp, fixing Seungmin’s mask as the limousine stops in front of the ballroom where the party is held. Mr. Song, Seungmin’s chauffeur, opens the door for both of you. You start to panic upon seeing reporters snapping photos of other guests entering the ballroom. Seungmin steps out, looking like His Royal Highness from a reputable kingdom.

He extends his hand to you. “Come on, love. Jisu and the others are already inside.”

The sound of shutters and the blinding flashes almost make you shut the door and tell Mr. Song to drive you home, but Seungmin reaches for your hand and intertwines his fingers with yours. “I’m here. You’ll be alright.”

Gathering some courage, you finally set your foot on the ground. Seungmin helps you with a gentle smile he knows will calm you down. He leads you inside, holding your hand a little tighter whenever someone seems to make you uncomfortable.

You spot Jisu from the gold feathery mask she showed you the night before and her signature high ponytail. A redheaded boy joined her with a drink in his hand, and you know for sure that it’s Felix. Everything at this party is grand, and by grand you mean people with diamond-studded dresses, a huge orchestra group, extravagant chandeliers, ice statues, and all kinds of foods and drinks you know absolutely nothing about.

“You okay?” Seungmin asks, releasing your hand to take a slice of chocolate cake that the waiter offers before handing it to you. Jisu squeals at the cake, taking the same cake from the waiter. You look at her in awe as she digs in right away. “How do you eat that at a place like this?” you hiss, earning a laugh from Felix.

“We’re here to enjoy ourselves, darling. Eat up!” he encourages you. You turn to Seungmin, who gives you a spoon. “Why? You love chocolate.”

You take a glance of everyone around you, nobody is eating. They’re either dancing or laughing or drinking. “Do you guys usually eat? Or are you doing this to make me comfortable?”

“We’re not some dukes and duchess Y/N. Wait, even dukes and duchess eat at parties. Shut up and enjoy your cake!” Jisu deadpans with a full mouth, causing you to laugh and do the same. Seungmin keeps his hand on the small of your back all the time, making sure you’re okay. After finishing your cake, he pulls you to the dance floor.

“No Seungmin, I’m not dancing with you,” you yell at him. Seungmin pretends not to hear you, his eyes glint with mischief. He puts your arms around his neck, then his own around your waist. You thank the heavens for the slow music because the last time you danced was in the second grade. Seungmin leads the dance, slowly backing you into a corner and pushes his mask up to plant a kiss on your lips.

“Been dying to do that.” He smirks at you as you glare at him, thankful that the mask is hiding your flushed cheeks. “Thank you for going with me. I know this isn’t your thing,” he adds, twirling you smoothly.

You scoff playfully, caressing his left cheek. “If you’re thankful, ride subway with me for the whole week.”

“Easy,” Seungmin, bringing your hand to his lips. “Your wish is my command, you know that, right?”

“All you need is tux and mask to become all flirty, huh? Did you dream to be a Disney prince?”

Seungmin shrugs, pulling you closer so you can rest your chin on his shoulder. The song comes to an end, switching to a more upbeat one when Seungmin’s phone vibrates. Though reluctantly, he takes the call and walks you to the water fountain near the salad bar.

“I’m at Mr. Bang’s party,” he says. “But Father—okay.”

The call ends just like that. Seungmin curses under his breath, wordlessly taking you back to where Jisu and Felix are standing. “I need to go now,” he breaks the news.

“Dude, you just arrived!” Felix protests.

“It’s my father,” Seungmin informs dryly. The redhead’s eyes become softer, and Jisu dismisses her cousin. “Don’t make him wait,” she urges him. “We’ll take care of Y/N. Who knows, she may find someone cooler than you.”

Seungmin looks at you with so much guilt, so you give him your most convincing smile. “Go. You can tell me about it later.”

After giving you one last “I’m sorry” look, he disappears into the crowd.

Felix cheers when the orchestra plays a song he knows. “Ohhh I love this song! Come on Y/N, time to rock the dance floor!”

As you’re about to pull Jisu along with you, Mr. Song walks toward you. He stops, bowing at the three of you. “Miss Y/N, Young Master asked me to take you.”

“Why? I thought Seungmin is meeting his father?”

“He does have some things to take care of, and you’ve been requested to join him.”

You glance at Jisu and Felix who tense at Mr. Song’s news. “Is this bad? What happened?” you try to ask, but Mr. Song only waits for you.

“It’s okay.” Felix rubs your shoulders. “Go with him.”

You nod. “See you guys later.”

Mr. Song guides you out like he knows the building by heart. Once you’re back inside the limousine, he enters the driver’s seat. “Is everything alright, Mr. Song?”

The old man smiles. “Young Master Seungmin is a very nice boy. He has clear goals and works hard to achieve them. And he wants to make you, especially, happy.”

He stops in front of an abandoned warehouse. You open the door before he does, taking off your heels while he holds the door for you. “Just give him a chance,” he says.

You quicken your pace when you hear someone scream. Peeking inside, you spot at least 10 men dressed in all-black surrounding a man who’s sitting on a chair, his hands tied and eyes blindfolded. Blood oozing from several parts of his body, his face completely bruised.

You look back to where Mr. Song is, but he only gestures at you to come inside. You slide the door a bit more to squeeze yourself in, looking up when you hear a familiar voice.

It’s Seungmin, swinging a baseball bat in his hand, his dress shirt stained with blood. “This will be the last time I ask you,” he hisses, sounding nothing like the Seungmin you know. “Tell me where the Hwangs’ secret hideout is. If not, I’m afraid I’ll have to change my weapon with something more impactful.”

One of the men hands him a gun. Seungmin takes it to the hostage, loading it near his ear. “I-I’ll tell you! Please spare me!”

The hostage goes on to provide all information that Seungmin needs. He swings his bat once again, hitting the hostage’s waist before throwing it again. You’re frozen to your spot, the whole event unfolding right before you feels like a stab on your heart. Seungmin runs his hand through his disheveled hair, then notices you standing there.

“What the fuck Y/N what are you doing here?!” he yells, voice shaky and raspy. Seungmin quickly turns around to his people, pointing at the hostage who’s lost his consciousness. “Take him away,” he commands lowly. “You’re all dismissed.”

The men drag the hostage’s body and leave the place quietly. Now, it’s just you and him facing each other. Seungmin is about to take your hand in his, but decides to stop himself when he realizes that they’re covered in blood.

“Did Mr. Song drive you here?”

You don’t answer. You can’t answer. Your body shakes as you involuntary recall how Seungmin beat the hostage up. The look in his eyes, his emotionless voice, the way he swung his bat without hesitation.

“What are you, Kim Seungmin?” you quiver, taking a step further from him. You need to get out, you need to be anywhere but here. You need something, anything that can make you forget what you just witnessed.

“Please,” Seungmin pleads. “Please Y/N. I’ll tell you everything. Please listen to me.”

“This is what you’ve been trying to hide from me? The fact that you torture people to get what you want?!”

Seungmin eventually grabs your hands, begging you to look at him. “I’m looking for other ways, love,” he utters. “But for now I have to do whatever my father says. His words are law, but I’ve vowed to myself that it won’t be like this for too long. I’ll stop him.”

You swat his hands away. “For years you made me think that we couldn’t be together because I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth, that no matter what I did I would never be good enough, that I would never be able to fit in. It turns out you’re just saving yourself, aren’t you Kim Seungmin? You only care about yourself!”

“How am I supposed to tell you that this is me, Y/N? How am I supposed to tell you that this is how my family lives? Would you—,” he pauses, wiping his tear-stained cheeks. “Would you even spare me a glance if you knew that I’m no better than a murderer?!”

“That’s up to me to decide!” you shout. “You don’t get to make decisions for me, Seungmin, but you didn’t even give me a choice in the first place!”

When he runs out of words to say, you force your body to turn around, exiting the warehouse with your last bit of strength left. Mr. Song is waiting for you, your heels ready for you to wear. You slip into them, refusing to look into his eyes when he offers you help.

You feel Seungmin’s eyes on you as you walk away. Even after what happened, you can’t help but return his gaze. He looks broken and lost—on other days, you would have run to him and took him into your arms.

But now is not the time, no matter how desperate you are for answers. You turn on your heels, your heart shattering into pieces as you remember the question Seungmin asked you in Busan.

“Do you trust me?”

Jisu’s maid pushes a trolley full of snacks and drinks into her room. You politely refuse everything, but your friend pours herself a glass of champagne, chugging it down in one go. She lets out a dejected sigh once the maid leaves the room, glancing at you warily.

“I’m so, sorry Y/N,” she whispers. “I can’t believe his father did that to you.”

“Did he really send me there so I could see Seungmin like that? And you knew about this?”

“I didn’t!” Jisu exclaims. “I mean, I do get the gist what his father does, but I never knew it was that bad. And I didn’t know he asked Seungmin to do all the dirty deeds himself. That man and his greed.”

Jisu sits beside you. “The way Seungmin’s family runs the law firm changed since his father took over,” she explains. “I guess this is why he wins every single case now. He does literally everything to win, and he expects Seungmin to do things his way later.”

“Has Seungmin ever told you this?”

“No,” she mumbles. “I know Seungmin’s been stressed high school, but I never knew this was the reason. He’s seeing his therapist almost every day, Y/N. I thought you would help him and vice versa. I know the two of you have liked each other since forever. I’m sorry.”

You wrap your arms around her. “You’ve been nothing but sweet to us. You, Felix, Chan… you guys are my everything.”

“How about Seungmin?” Jisu starts sobbing. “I’ll respect your decision whatever it is, but what are you going to do now?”

You try to clear your mind, imagining how you and Seungmin will be if you live without each other. Will you be able to bear the unimaginable pain? Will he?

“Jisu, do you know if Seungmin’s parents are home?”

“No, they’re in Paris with my Mom.”

“Then can you drive me to his place?”

The Kim family butler takes you to Seungmin’s bedroom. He knocks the door, waiting for a while before opening it when nobody answers. The big room is empty, but the attic ladder is pulled down. “Young Master likes to spend his time in the attic. He probably fell asleep there,” the butler says.

You nod, thanking him before climbing up. The attic is neat and warm, with Seungmin’s photos decorating the walls. Several dog plushies are placed on a small wooden rack, while some get special spots near his mattress.

You lie down beside him, taking a good look of his sleeping form. He’s no longer covered in blood (which definitely makes things easier for you), and his steady breathing calms you down within seconds. You wonder how it feels like having to sacrifice everything in order to have everything. You think about how Seungmin wakes up in fear everyday, waiting for his father’s cruel orders.

“Y/N?”

Seungmin blinks at you, squinting to make sure that it’s really you. “Hi. Your butler let me in.”

He scrambles to get up, but you stop him. “Lie down. You must be tired.”

You scoot closer to him, feeling his body tense up when you circle your arms around his torso. “You can tell me everything now.”

Seungmin begins his story, explaining how his father never says no to clients, no matter how impossible their cases are to win. He often works with his clients to eliminate everyone in their way, using any methods possible. When Seungmin started high school, his father told him to watch how the law firm worked, and eventually forced him to do things by himself so he would “toughen up” and “understand how business works.”

“Mr. Song has been helping me form plans to end this. He’s Father’s most trusted person, so he knows everything. I still do fact checks, of course. I’m trying to be as careful as possible. I’m trying to take down my own father, and if I take even a step wrong, it’ll be over for Mother and I.”

You sigh, burying your face in the crook of his neck as you pat his back softly. Seungmin keeps his hands to his side the whole time, afraid to cross the line although you’re glued to him.

“Father has ears everywhere Y/N. He probably knows how serious I am with you and wanted to test you. I’m sorry you had to see all of that.”

“Test me?”

“Yeah. Whoever decides to stay with me after knowing everything will earn his approval.”

“Has anybody else gone through that?”

“No,” he answers. “Believe it or not, you’re my first girlfriend.”

You raise your eyebrow. “Believe it or not? Of course I do, it’s obvious that you had no dating experience!”

“Y/N,” he calls out. “You’re here to say goodbye, right?”

Seungmin has pulled you away, sitting up and waiting for you to do the same. “It’s okay. If I were you, I’d be so disgusted at myself too. Don’t think about me, just think about what’s best for you.”

“You never… killed anyone, right?”

He shakes his head. “I’ll never do that. You have my words.”

“I trust you, Seungmin,” you state. “I asked myself again and again, but my answer remains the same. You’re not a bad person and I trust you. I know you by heart, and I’ll love you as long as I can.”

You wish you could promise only boy you’ve ever loved an eternal love—it sounds beautiful, something that lasts forever. But you know better than to give Seungmin empty promises. He’ll probably break your heart if life doesn’t allow him to change his world, but you’re willing to take the risk.

Seungmin releases the breath he seemed to be holding for the past few minutes. “That’s my girl,” he praises. “That’s all I could ask for.”

“Let’s only think about now, okay? You’re not alone anymore, you have me.”

You cup his cheeks and capture him in a loving kiss, basking in the warmth of his body when he scoops you into his arms. Seungmin’s gestures still feel hesitant, but you convince him with every kiss, with every sweet word you utter against his lips until he finally melts and kisses you harder, each kiss more ardent than before.

“You’re never lacking in my eyes, don’t forget that,” Seungmin tells you, enunciating each word clearly so you’ll let it sink in. “You’ve always been more than enough. Everything I could ask for.”

You only grin, pecking his swollen lips one more time before allowing yourself to fall asleep, listening to his heartbeat.

Both of you let your own images of the future loom over you for so long, feeding yourselves with doubt and fear.

Now it’s time to let go.  

more a/n: i spent a long time writing this, i hope this is still good and not boring! i’m happy that my first story in 2020 is for seungmin. the ending is somewhat bittersweet, but it was the only option that felt right to me.  

[brujoenlafrontera]

hi!!! I’m a puertorriqueño/nicaragüense enby looking into resources for learning bruja stuff, any good place you know to start?

I’ve gotten a couple of asks about this lately, and i’m so happy to know there are more latinos finding their way to the practice, tumblr’s brujeria tag often gives the impression that theres so little of us out there reclaiming our practices but getting asks like these brings me a lot of faith that thats not true :) first and foremost:

GETTING INTO BRUJERIA IS HARD.

it really is. baby brujos like us know that better than anyone- getting started, is often the hardest part of doing anything, and its no different with brujeria. it can feel so overwhelming and feeling lost is natural. from my experience, although i am still a newbie ive been able to find a lot of information out there, here are the best places to find info, sorted by priority:

FAMILY! a little self explanatory, but brujeria at its best is truly is an inherited, familial practice. If you can, before delving into internet resources, definitely connect w your family if you’re able to and ask them for guidance and about their experiences!

Your family is always the best resource over anything you can find online; theres so much misinformation out there or information not relevant to your region and if someone in your family already has established practices, always trust them first

 Do some thinking back to all your cultural traditions, quirks, stories, and superstitions that you’ve  learned from your family across time and never thought too much about- and rediscover them under a new light

KEEP IN MIND: brujeria is NOT a singular , concrete practice w concrete rules in itself, the term blankets a lot of traditions across latam, the caribbean, mexico, but imo its always best to stick with brujeria related to your heritage and where your connection is.

this can be hard for people (like me!) with huge family taboos toward brujeria that make it unsafe to ask around about, and/or limitations in family connections (also like me unfortunately). I personally can really only get the tidbits and stories that my family accidentally slips out when I occasionally see them. i try to write them down as much as possible, but the info i can get is limited... and thats where the following comes in.

ONLINE COMMUNITIES. i.e, youtube, tumblr, instagram brujx communities. notice I haven’t said “internet” in general- the reason why i trust community based social media more than random individual websites you find on google is because, in the case of brujeria and honestly any non-european craft, you’re often gonna find a LOT of white people writing blogs, books, etc about their “spiritual experiences” in latam countries and wrongly/incorrectly taking ATR or indigenous traditions (like with smudging). I know, with social media, although those same white people are also on insta and tumblr, it’s a LOT easier to see the face behind the accounts and differentiate who to trust, who’s legit and has real experience to share, rather than a nameless, faceless, website that is actually some colonizer sharing colonized ideas who thinks theyre on a spiritual journey taking traditions all willy nilly. And the fact that in social media, its much easier to find a lot of good brujas at once bc they tend to follow each other lmao.what ive personally done to find information tho is essentially SCOUR tumblrs, insta accs, and watching tons of youtube videos for posts, accounts, videos, etc, and narrowing down good info from there through , namely:

CHECKING WHO YOUR SOURCE IS!!!

ASKING YOURSELF FROM WHAT EXPERIENCE THEYRE SPEAKING FROM

ALWAYS TAKING EVERYTHING WITH A GRAIN OF SALT

AND STICKING TO INFO FROM CULTURES OPEN AND RELEVANT TO ME.

again, brujería is different depending on where your family is from in latam, and if you have an established connection to indigenous and/or black roots, so it’s useful to use keywords relating to that when searching (like if ur black, you can look into ATRs(african traditional religions) which tend to mix deeply with brujeria, if ur indigenous, finding other people from your tribe is great, and if youre not pursuing your already learned traditions you can think about connecting to them more deeply(altho indigenous traditions are their own thing, sometimes they do mix with brujeria too), and apart from familial roots, if ur catholic/christian and/or want to explore it, saint work/catholic brujeria might be a good fit for you!)  

tumblr: there are a couple of fantastic brujxs on this site with great blogs and resources who have sadly left the site, but i still go through their posts heavily for spells, rituals, scraps of info! etting started w brujería is hard bc there’s really not that much info out there right now, but i compile as many good brujeria posts i find on my acc.

@brujeria-n-bongs great for catholic brujeria, now at @Upliftherbs on instagram

@brujeria-lost @barberwitch @reina-morada @highbrujita

@naomi121406 is by far the most active and informative tumblr resource ive found, shes an afro-indigenous diaguita curandera from argentina so shes also really helpful if ATRs are in your path!

Im not black myself and dont follow ATRs so i don’t really know many good blogs for afrolatine brujxs out there but if anyone would like to tag some in the replies thatd be awesome!

instagram: Ive found that instagram #brujeria tags has a pretty healthy active stream of posts. You’re gonna have to sift through a lot of them to get to the good stuff though- imo a lot of hispanics use the brujería tag not to mean “latine brujería” but just the spanish word for witchcraft, so a lot of white hispanics will put wicca/neo witchcraft in the tag. imo that’s really not something i’m personally interested in bc it’s not true to brujeria’s traditional nature, is very white/eruropean , and that wicca shit basically just got here. its a relatively a recent thing😭 so i try to stick to bruja accounts that aren’t influenced by that.

youtube: The youtube brujería tag is hit or miss? and again, contains a lot of wicca. But there are some good practitioners on there like The Mexican Witch! You just gonna look around, and dont be afraid to click on videos by really really small youtubers; they often are the ones with the most informative and legit things to say!

Everyone’s path as a bruja/o/x (sjdf trying to be inclusive w gendered language is difficult) is different but here are some topics i think are great to look into as a beginner!

ancestors: start at the bottom and figure out who they are, where theyre from, and set up an altar. it’ll help you a lot with figuring out your identity and path as a bruja later on.

setting up a grimoire

divination: tarot is actually what got me into brujeria at first! tarot isnt strictly traditional and is european in itself but its a wonderful tool for connecting to dieties, saints, etc as well as super fun and helps a lot with introspection

ritual abrecaminos, aka road opening spells!

amarres (love spells... proceed with caution)

limpias, mal de ojo

saint work: even if you’re not catholic (im ex catholic), a growing number of us (especially lgbt latines like @/upliftherbs on instagram) are starting to take back and decolonize our view of saints like La Virgen Maria and removing her from the rigid european/colonized interpretation thats been forced into us

candle spells in general (i fucking love candles tbh, cheap, easy, fun, and WORKS)

spiritual colognes, how to cleanse

finally, here are some helpful posts yall should definitely read and think about moving forward!

about using tumblr as a resource

about looking into brujeria as a part-white part latine

bruja psa + about reclaiming lost indiginety

honestly naomi’s entire brujeria tag is great and super informative for beginners and basically holds answers for almost anything at this point

hope this post helps yall out!

EDIT: oh lord now that this is posted the outline format i tried to use is all kinds of fucked up please dont mind the odd numbering lmfao tumbr hates organized formats

[kojinnie]

The Way It Was

“How come you don’t know The Killers?”

“Haha,” The laughter on your face was faint unlike what your mouth suggested, something told me that you didn’t find it funny albeit the teasing nature in my question, “I have my own taste.”

Maybe I was wrong for not taking it on the first cue as I carried on with my unsuspecting grimace, “You are so uncultured!” which was stopped by the abrupt halt in your faint smile. It had turned cold suddenly when you got up and flicked your cigarette that was not even halfway done on the ashtray. It happens again, I thought, I crossed the line.

I bought the tickets on the simple basis of: I thought it would be fun. Afterall, you had fed me with hours of Chet Baker and bunch of your favorite artists, be it in your home, your workplace, your car. I took your interest as mine and I cherish everyone moment your face lit up each time your favorite tune would come out.

Sometimes, in your slurry drunken speech you would tell me how lucky you were to have met me for we had so much in common – disregarding the fact that it was all the hard work I put in. But I liked the way your curls disheveled across your face and the way your body curled up beneath the hotel’s bedding. I was never bothered.

But for us, the start of the end began when we were at the car following one too many impulsive calls of yours (“Hey, I’m picking you up. I need to buy groceries”), no matter whether I was having dinner with my parents or simply planning to have a quality time of my own, I would go with you. I was checking an Instagram notification when I jolted out of surprise although being strapped to the seat belt of your passenger seat.

You grunted, “What?” sounding annoyed as you oftentimes would by my reactions over things that you’d find ‘too much’ or ‘unnecessary’.

I said The Killers was announced to headline in local festival. I yielded my shriek as you threw me a piercing stare, “Since when do you like them?”, and I didn’t know how to tell you that I’ve always liked them since over a decade ago. I guess over the course of our five years relationship I never had the time to tell you that, amidst all your grandeur ideas about what you wanted to do with your life, although none of it was ever materialized.

             The day of the festival came and you dressed nicely like you always did. I liked that part of you. You picked me up from my home and I leaned over for a kiss as I situated myself on your passenger seat, but you turned your face away, mumbling, “Let’s go home right after the encore.” 

I had imagined a car ride where I would blast The Killers’ songs aloud, as I got you in the mood. But all I got was silence and the shrilling voice of the daytime radio host as we cruised through the interstate highway.

As we arrived, you roughly parked your car in the queue for valet service. Disguising the weight of my heart, I tried to lighten up the mood, “Yeay, we’re here!” And I carried on, talking to myself on how crowded it was, which songs I looked forward the most to – all efforts to conceal any trace of reaction to your elaborate cold shoulder play. But I guess it became quite too much for me in the seconds leading to you taking the valet ticket, when you asked, “What time will this band play?”

             “Well, they’re last on the line-up. They’re supposed to play right after—”

             “—what time?”

             “Um, 9.30.”

             “Then I need to reschedule the call with Mr. Krasinski.”

             “Who?”

             “The potential investor.”

             “Wait, what? For the studio? Why didn’t you tell me?”

             “You bought the tickets already.”

I knew you had expected guilt to arise from me, and you were so good at it because that was exactly the only thing I felt that night.

The festival happened to be so overwhelming because I felt like floating, you were walking beside me a foot away. I’d walk closer to tangle my hand in yours only to be shunned away. I tried to lighten up the mood by pointing out some people dressing up funny, or the neon aesthetics of the festival, or whatever I could lay my eyes on. But all you uttered was haha, oh, okay.

Maybe it’s the age gap, I thought to myself as I saw you walking away to the nearest smoking booth. Maybe we differ in priorities, as I cheered myself on. But it’s tiring, I reminded myself. It’s like walking on eggshells, I confided to myself. It’s suffocating, I confessed to myself.

Ping! – a tootle from my phone took me back. I had been texting a close friend, telling her about you.

[19.38, +628211236****] tbh im getting tired of hearing him being like that

I leered at where you were, standing leaning to the glass partition of the smoking booth, when I saw you being approached by a guy in a cap, tall with hospitable smile. You embraced him in a friendly manner, and I was glad for a second that you had met someone you knew to take your mind off of how much you hated to be here.

[19.40, Me] ikr it’s suffocating

[19.41, +8211236****] hufft he’s years older than you. let him take care of himself for awhile. you should enjoy brandon flowers!!!

I smiled because there was a truth in that.

When I put my phone away, I saw you were walking over with your friend, and I had to put up a smile. As the two of you came closer, I began to realize how tall your friend was. He had such a radiant presence as you introduced the two of us, “This is my girlfriend.” You said, with your fingers latching to my waist in all of a sudden. We shook hands and you rambled about where he was working, how the two of you knew each other from high school, but all I could think of was how I just wanted your hands to stay there on my waist even after he left.

             Maybe it was your ability to make me nervous and anxious even after all these years, but I had to visit the loo, so I whispered in your ears to ask you to hold my phone and purse while I took time to the portable loo. You kissed me in the cheek and said, “Okay. I’ll be here with Joon.” And I bet your friend Joon would think we were perfect.

When I went out you were nowhere to be found. My heart plunged as all my belongings were with you and that this place was huge. I frantically looked around for awhile before what I had not wished to happen was about to happen.

I didn’t know where you had suddenly appeared from, but in all of a sudden, you came back and yanked my arms and dragged me off of the main arena to the back of Food & Beverages tents, where no one was around. I had been dragging my feet to balance your long stride, that when you finally let me go, I lost balance and fell on the graveled terrain.

“What’s happening?!”

But of course, the silence.

From afar I could hear the commotion of scream, and the bass riff of The Killers’ ‘The Man’ setting off. The show had already begun.

You stood there, taking my phone out of my purse, showing me the screen, which displayed the text conversation I had been having earlier on with my close friend. It was apparent that you had been going through my phone while I was at the loo. I should’ve known. It came to me as no surprise.

“Talking about me now?”

“You shouldn’t have done that,” I sighed, and started to get up to take back my phone from your hands, “The show’s starting now, let’s go.”

Maybe I was getting bored by your antics. Maybe I rolled my eyes a bit as well. Maybe it was my disregarding your inquisition. Maybe that was why you started to grab my wrist, this time with your nails dug onto my skin, “Ouch! Stop it, you—”

Mindlessly, you threw my phone right on my face with your free hand. The phone hit my chin then bumped off the ground. For a split second I tried to dodge away from it, which caused me to tumble down.

I was startled. It didn’t hurt, at least not on my face. That never happened before.

Something about the way your chest heaved and the way you stared at me told me you were in disbelief at what yourself had done. Maybe it was seeing me slowly losing any trace of expression as I stared at you piercingly. Maybe you thought it would be better to see me cry so at least you’d know there was still a remnant of me that was anticipating your consolation.

I sat there on the ground for a while, feeling the ground beneath me trembled to the music, and all I could ever think was—funny. Because the guilt, the suffocation I had earlier on?They suddenly vanished, and was replaced by a strange feeling: annoyance. I was annoyed that the gravels hurt my knee. I was annoyed that my phone cracked. I was annoyed by the fact that instead of being on the front row of a highly anticipated show, I was here in the presence of a sorry man, at the expense of my dignity.

I picked up my phone from the ground. Dusted the gravels that had pierced through my knee and walked away.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” You yelled, trailing my steps as you broke down your pretense and I could start to sense a hollow in your patron. You had this deep and stern voice which I always loved, and I was frightened of. But honestly, who would care when all I was hearing was the blasted voice of Brandon Flowers?

“To watch the show.”

“I—” You tried to reached for my hand, but I yanked it off of me, “—didn’t mean it. I’m sorry. Please.”

There was a handful of distance between us by that moment. The band was deep into their second song now. I wanted to watch the show.

“Just watch the show with me.”

“No. We need to talk.”

“No? I’m here to watch the show. I just want to watch it—”

“NO!” You never yelled, but this time you did, although you quickly brought it down and closed the space between us, “I want to talk with you or I’m leaving.”

I thought about it for a couple of seconds, trying to locate the last damn I gave about you, “Maybe you’re not used to hearing this because I’ve always refrained from being honest with you for five fucking years. But I don’t want to. And I don’t need to do—”

“You listen to me now—”

And I just snapped, “You really need to get your shit together.”

It was almost comical to see the pride on your face seeped away, “What?!”

“You need to stop using me as your punching bag. You keep projecting your failures—”

“—you don’t matter to me.”

“—at me. You hate yourself but you’re too proud to admit it, so you put it on me—”

“—I could have had any girl but I chose you—”

“—you hate the fact that I’m doing great at my job while still having the time to like myself—”

“—you’re not pretty. I’m not even attracted to you when—”

“—I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU!” I screamed. As loud as I could be. Which eventually shut him up, “I really do. You think you can use my insecurities against me? Well try again.” And alike to the stream of river that finally makes its way to the ocean, I let go of my final defense. I cried because I felt relieved, it could never get any better than this, “and this is my favorite song. I won’t let you ruin my night.”

The Killers was moving into their third song in the set-list when I finally walked away from him for the last time as they made their way into my favorite verse of the song. It says:

“Maybe a thief you stole your heart. Or maybe we drifted apart.”

[zepdeans]

there’s not a lot I can say about s3 that hasn’t already been said (and articulated 200x better) but! here are some of my (albeit dumb) thoughts :~)

ep1 -isak leaning against the bathroom wall gets me EVERY time its such a powerful scene esp introducing you to s3 and tarjei..... spare some talent for the rest of us please -LiTeN gUtTeN fRa StRaNgEr tHiNgS -isak rly ties his pants w a shoelace...... -isak noticing even for the first time bc of his laugh.. whew.... also. i love this intro SOOO much bc its so non-monumental? theres no dramatic music or whatever but its not subtle.... like you know right away o shit love interest!! hello sir!! bc isak’s expression watching him :’) i could go on -isak is a bad liar HOWEVER this only applies to stupid nontrivial things e.g. the black sweatshirt. but when you look at him lying about like, his sexuality, he hides that shit well -”c00l” isak. i hate u so much -honestly all u have to do is look at even for .2 seconds and u can tell this boy has had a crush for a solid month bc he just looks awestruck (HOWEVER henrik’s acting is *chef’s kiss* bc its subtle enough to go undetected b4 you actually know eVEN SAW HIM ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL) -even isak and emma all sitting on the bench together is funny enough on its on but then a song called threeway comes on and like. julie sdshjsfdjfkjskd ep2 -there’s something so endearing about even’s handwriting idek what -i LOVE even’s video w mikael it reveals so much about him to us- how weird (ok we saw how weird he was w the paper towel thing but) and dorky he is? and his love of film! his view on love stories and how he sees the world :( but it also shows a lot abt isak because he saw even making stupid jokes about vladimir putin and was like yeah we about to fall in LOVE love -isak not using headphones to watch even’s video or r+j?? bde or general incompetence what’s the verdict guys -the isak watching r+j scene hits so hard like yall ever think about isak lying in bed at 3am staring at the ceiling probably thinking about how he’s never gonna get a beautiful world-shattering romance like that like ..... also him changing positions skam get out of my life go away ur too realistic -not to make this even more self-projection-y but isak simultaneously being the least emotionally vulnerable person ever but crying during r+j > -i made a post abt this already but even’s INTENSE staring vs isak’s “i have never looked anyone in the eye in my life” gets me it says so much about their characters -even said i see your bde move (asking me to buy you beer) and i raise u with my own (inviting you to my house after faking not having my id) -”if you listen to music” even is such a dick fsdjhsdff -when the message comes on...... i rlly do owe julie my life huh -”have you heard about my rapping?” “I have actually” have we talked about this enough????? 1. isak finally feels comfortable enough w even to flirt and his first move is to RAP for him jesus christ. keep in mind this is the same man who pulled that smooth af ibuprofen line w emma like...... 2. even has heard about isak’s rapping. either this means im-not-on-social-media even went out of his way to go thru homeboy’s instagram OR isak’s rapping is actually talked about. i- -the group chat messages. cant believe i forgot about the 2016 clown epidemic

ep3  -mahdi is a good friend and i love him. thank u -even wearing isak’s cap until he chucks it at him sjksfjsdjsd -how much yall wanna bet isak’s been listening to illmatic on repeat since last friday thinking abt even (even tho meeting sonja shattered his heart a lil) [also kinda an aside but i think a lot about how isak n even bonded over rap and how some homophobic lyrics in 90s etc rap might have impacted them? or how that little detail ties into julie’s story? e.g. halftime by nas, which is on illmatic] -whats worse. even staring into isaks soul wearing a size xs see-through white t shirt or isak staring at even for five (5) seconds before chugging his beer and immediately making out w emma. OR even crashing that party before it can start “i think you guys are bonding too much” cheesy ass shjhfsdhskdf -yall act like evak didnt invent hands. did even shaking isak’s shoulder telling him his apartment is nice mean nothing to u -im convinced robyn wrote call your girlfriend for this scene specifically bc how could anything fit so perfectly by coincidence -is anything better than egging isak on- even bech naesheim (2016) -idk if yall have read the scripts but i love the sock thing so much bc its soo true to how isak thinks and it makes everything so much more interesting and !!!

ep4  -i will never get over even sending isak bad seinfeld memes -even smacking open isak’s locker. first of all whew second of all u think as soon as he got into the stairwell he lowkey cried bc ow -parallel of isak saying “it’s 2016, why are you religious?” to sana vs. emma’s “it’s 2016, get out of the closet” to isak anyone :( -”takk sanasol!!!!” thank u isak for my life -I wanted to be with you aloneeeee -even’s face when he sees the pool like we get it youre a director -how many times do i need to say even is such a dick sjkfsd “does it look like i care about my hair?” “usually but not right now” like this would only work on isak i love soulmates!! -even just.. fully choking isak out ssdhgfd got em -when the first notes of im kissing you start ooh boy -even going in for the kill kiss and isak going from huh to oooo shit and pushing his lips out at the last minute. phenomenal 

ep5 -ngl as soon as im not in love comes on my heart goes uwu bc like!!!! that song the meaNING.... them......... i jus love this scene sm like theyre in their own little bubble and they both feel so comfortable and at peace :((  -even leaving isak comics about an inside joke of theirs like yall mind if i scream -isak feeling left out from the conversation and his friends whew i felt that... and having them talk about how gross it is to makeout with a girl w facial hair?? blease :( -taking stock of isak’s nicknames: issy k, isabell, izzy, baby jesus, -im not even gonna bother trying to articulate thoughts on Pause bc it’s a literal masterpiece. thank u tarjei henrik and julie for inventing television with this one  -MAGNUS SDFKJSDFJKDSHK "oooh my name is Jonas and I love idealism and reading klassekampen and I don’t like plastic and I skate on a skateboard made of sustainable wood and wear old clothes because new clothes are bad for the environment and I only drink recycled water” screAMMM -what i said abt pause also applies to pride ugh its such a powerful scene and!! the beginning of kicks to isaks stomach. honestly what i fucking love about this episode is how it goes from hell yea best day w even ever to crying in the street within one week (s3 had the best balance of angst and payoff thanks) -even’s Soft Party Flannel... forever tainted by this scene rip -not knowing why even kissed sonja keeps me up at night -speaking of. how used and stupid isak must’ve felt when he saw even completely unbothered, hooking up w his ex at this party?? whew :( -bros is one of my all time favourite clips solely bc of the music?? lift me up gives me chills and when hold my liquor starts i LOSE it -ep5 and 6 remind me of that quote “to see what your characters are really made of you have to break them” because julie rlly goes all in and god it hurts so good

ep6 -never have i ever seen insomnia portrayed as accurately as tarjei did here and i remember when i first watched the cantina scene i was like. winded bc its SO true to sleep deprivation whew -i really like that isak wasnt together with even when he reached out for help and came out to jonas. bc it was him, on his own, being strong enough to talk to his friends and then eventually he was confident and secure enough in himself to be in a good place when even started reaching back out!! -i have no idea what its like to come out to someone, to be afraid of your friends rejecting you, everything isak went through. but tarjei’s acting of when, like, you have something you KNOW you have to tell someone, and youve put yourself in the position where youre going to have to tell them, but youre terrified and eventually just force yourself SAY the words??  -and isak’s smile when he realizes jonas is gonna be his bro no matter what :’)))

ep7 -weirdly one of my favourite isak looks (black t-shirt grey snapback c-c-c-combo) -”what’s your name again?” have i mentioned i love sana and isak bc i love sana and isak -jonas truly is the best friend oh man. perceptive, thoughtful, loving, laidback, a friggen BRO. tbh i was wary of him in s1 and thought he didn’t treat eva well (tho I recognized he loved her a lot, he was just bad at being a boyfriend) but jonas in s3?? just goes to show how powerful your perspective of someone can change viewing them in a different role!! because while jonas was a crappy bf, he literally is SUCH an incredible friend and his actions and words and just! him! in s3 completely redeemed any illwill I had towards him :’) -maybe im a little gay (up there with other s3 comedy classics such as “thats a boys name”) -mahdi season WHEN ugh a legend -’when someone asks isak if hes going to a family party’ literally what other reason for living do i have if not to read the boy squad text convos -isaks locker finally opening and his smile at evens drawing whewwwwwww!! also even rlly is that guy who wont text you back but will leave hand written love letters in ur locker -also. another stellar look from valtersen -slutt a meld meg is a whole masterpiece like what other piece of media has the RANGE -eskild: play hard to get. jonas: no smiley!!! isak: nah fam im good B)

ep8 -this episode is BEAUTIFUL bc you feel practically euphoric?? like hell yeah theyre finally together!! isak is out and accepted and even is done with sonja! but theres also this unsettling undercurrent of worry bc you know deep down something isnt right? why is sonja calling isak? why is even acting kinda strange? whats going on? yknow?? -literally never going to get over 5 fine frokner :~) even is such a goddamn nerd and he’s the man of isak’s dreams can u believe!!  -sana’s little speech is SO important in so many ways ooo i love her so much -also have we discussed eskild making evak do a photoshoot for him. highkey those are my favourite pictures of ALL time u can tell even was like hm strange but im down while isak was more omg guys stop🙄 omg haha eskild i cant believe youre making me cuddle with even for a photo🙄 i cant believe ur making me snuggle this dude for a pic!!!! definitely would not have done this otherwise!!! -magnus only realizing it’s THAT even after seeing how isak looks at him. whew -isak is so brave i rlly love that kid! his text to his mamma <3 -no r*make will EVER nail text conversations like mari/julie did w evak’s this week thanks for coming to my ted talk. i'd quote the best ones but it would literally double the length of this post (ok ill cave. “hahaha shut up❤️” GETS me) -you dont know whats in store but you know what youre here for. hallo -isak running around oslo with even’s clothes looking for him :( his heart is so big he cares about even so so much -when Part II (on the run) comes on in the credits its like a kick in the teeth honestly

ep9 -ive already screamed enough about cherry wine but god it fucks me up -cannot put into words how much I love eskild and how good of a person he is, he just has so much love in his heart  -”wait they have waffles here? see ya” -this convo is why i love skam so much!!!! magnus giving insight and good thoughtful advice to isak was such a brilliant move by julie (also truLy heartwarming) bc like. magnus is a flawed layered character! he’s dumb and ignorant and not very careful with his words BUT hes also such a sweet guy. i genuinely dont think he would hurt a fly and him talking about vilde (in ep10) is ;-; bc he really likes her and respects her and wants to be a gentleman! hes so loving and just. yeah. also i wonder if isak and magnus (and vilde) ever talked about having mentally ill parents and lent on each other for support bc like....<3 [sidenote- this is why i HATE b***** like they absolutely massacred magnus’s character and magnus did not deserve that!] -det er bare slutt........ very cool of tarjei to invent acting here. also the character development makes me WEEP like at first isak lied and told his pappa it was over bc its easier to brush stuff off and say you were joking than be vulnerable especially about 1. having a boyfriend and 2. saying youve already broken up?? but then isak was like hey im done with lying about who i am bc i want my life to be REAL and he told his dad the truth even if it was hard and even if he was trying rlly hard not to cry  -isak reaching out to even<3 standing up for even<3 -o helga natt. another scene i genuinely cannot comment on bc u cant really put into any written language how magical and breathtaking and heartbreaking and powerful and brilliant this scene is. so. -jk. obvs i cant say anything intelligent enough to give this scene justice but probably the most stunning piece of television i have ever had the privilege of watching. even’s text breaks my heart every gd time (esp since we never really see this side of him before finding out he’s bipolar? his guilt, insecurity, feeling like a burden, being scared of losing everyone in his life because he thinks he’ll hurt them). the music is SO beautiful i cry real tears as soon as the strings start. also the brilliance of JUST o helga natt playing and no dialogue except for isaks one line? isak’s realization when he sees the cross. him RUNNING across oslo to go to even. the FLASHBACKS all going backwards in chronological order until them smoking on the bench. isak looking at the bench and not seeing even and u can feel his heart breaking and urs breaks too! but then he remembers the bathroom and he turns and theres even and whewwww. du er ikke alene<3

ep10 -minutt for minutt is THE most healing clip im telling u. and like.. seeing even depressed really is hard and as someone who was very very depressed for 4-ish yrs of their life it rlly hits me? like when youre in an especially bad funk and you cant get out of bed and youre just numb and exhausted and feel so shitty and u want to be alone but you really dont???? could go on but literally i owe henrik holm my life for his portrayal of even  -not to be a soft bitch on main but when isak tucks the blanket over even and it keeps getting pulled off his back so isak just. covers that spot with himself? -i do love that call between sonja and isak bc once again! a flawed (realistic) human being -and isak thinking its his fault even is depressed? it means a lot that sonja told him its no ones fault, even is just bipolar. and i wonder if isak felt that way about his mamma as well, guilty for her being ill, and if what sonja said made him feel better about that situation too :( -lowkey random but when isak is rambling really fast and he goes “maybe we’ll get bombed tomorrow and talking about all this is a waste of time” it continually punches me in the throat bc that is /exactly/ how i ramble and think like tarjei........ pls -like eskild said. there really is so much love in isak’s little grumpy teenage body<3 -isak no longer just passively accepting life as its given to him, now he fights for him and even!!!!!  -isak is such a forgiving person and seeing him able to just accept things and move on? incredible -i remember when i first watched ep1 i was like oooo even and isak are gonna be kosegruppa partners and thats when theyll first get together, cooking food or smth!! but lmfao after episode 3? kosegruppa whomst???? also hilarious vilde thought isak of all people would willingly sign up for kosegruppa just to go to revue parties -even and linn friendship!!!! -cannot articulate how mf heartwarming it is to see even smiling and being more himself after being depressed (also thank u julie for having ups and downs coming out of his depression- its so true to life having one day when youre feeling awesome and then the next you feel awful again for no reason and its SO frustrating) -I had to stop watching passe pa meg cause it made me toooooo crazy! it would just be like: “I like seeing you laugh” and I was like: *SCREAMS* -im the fucking master of lying 😤 -literally don’t know why isak and even ragging on kosegruppa is so funny but “did you think I joined to have fun” gets me every time -I SAW YOU THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL -also even literally radiating love @ isak watching get snarky w vilde on the phone bc it reminded him of the first time he saw him! even rly is that boyfriend who thinks isak being pissy is the Best Thing he has Ever seen -halla boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiz -literally the glo up of isak telling his friends the order in which he’d bang them -No filter! wow I love symbolism -so nice to see the girls together for a lil bit :) -the boys hyping up mags while also telling him to be respectful awwwwww -take desperate to a whole new level- Confucius  -who’s going to show isak how to properly hold a beer can -literally evak banter gets me thru the day. thank u tarjei and henrik for having phenomenal chemistry + improvisation skills + making isak and even the dumbest nerdiest boys i have ever seen -biology partner. and friend. ;-; -even literally is the biggest stoner blease -isak’s talk with eva is just sooooo<3 and not to be emo on main but every single word of the last few sentences he says hit me so gd hard because i feel the exact same way in my BONES -livet er nå 💛

final thoughts :( <3 -this season is so special. it feels like one really long oscar-worthy movie or smth?? i cant even exblain, its just magical. ALSO very dear to my heart. -julie really said you guys have seen isak sad and alone and repressed for the past two seasons so heres him falling in love with the best person in the world and coming to terms with who he is and being brave and opening up and finally being happy and living a real life -this season definitely feels different from s1/2/4 to me editing or production or music smth wise? as in, its got a lot fewer aesthetic shots and the cinematography seems a bit different if that makes any sense???? I also think this is the season most focused just on the main (i.e. not many- if any? sideplots going on) -literally will never get over the thought, love, and detail put into this season. when i say there is literally nothing i would change about it, i mean it and coming from my nitpicky ass??? means a lot lmfao. the acting, directing, music choices, symbolism...... sublime -s3′s cold rainy autumn aesthetic makes me ACHE for fall and also nostalgic for a highschool experience I never had lmao?? also. all the nighttime clips >>> -don’t know what else to say except thank u skam for my life

[moralambigutitty]

so i have Thots about the stupid multiverse theory or whatever it’s called

i know this probably won’t even show up in the tags but i love rambling into nothingness so here we are! honestly this is the most Articulate i can be on this subject bc it is literally so ridiculous to think about but We Love It. 

anyway i’ve been thinking about the isaks and evens meeting up recently and who would like who and who would hate who and how they would all react to each other’s differences. so i have compiled my thoughts into a post starting with....

The Isaks

so when the idea of the isaks and evens meeting up was first brought up in the fandom, it was originally theorized that the isaks would all hate each other’s guts while the evens would get along swimmingly but i tend to disagree. how i think it would play out under the cut

you see, i can agree that the isaks would definitely be weary of each other at first. our suspicious kings (and queens)!! they would all at first be collectively staring at each other with those Eyes (you know the ones), thinking shit like “this guy really thinks he’s that cool, huh?” because you know all isak’s have that Thing where they think they’re smarter than everyone around them?? but you also know that every one of them finds that exact trait incredibly annoying in other people. oh shit can you imagine them all around each other!!! their slytherin minds!! they’re like “who does that guy think he is? fake fake fake fake.”

so the isaks and evens have separated to different areas of the room they’re hanging out in and all the isaks are quietly just smoking together while the evens are going off about some film shit that doesn’t interest any of their boyfriends. matteo like laughs to himself softly and all of the isaks look up at him like “what” and he’s just like “oh david just hasn’t shut up about this vampire movie in forever, im glad he finally has some people to rant to who understand what he’s talking about” and all of the isaks like take a minute to fondly giggle at how silly all of their art hoe boyfriends are and suddenly it’s like all inhibitions are gone!!! these boys cannot shut up about whose manz is the most dramatic and theatrical!! isak talks about how even ran across oslo in 2.5 seconds to reunite with him. lucas lallemant pulls up eliott’s art finsta that’s literally dedicated to him, describing the significance behind every single post in detail. matteo opens up about how david let him see his Private drawings on literally their FIRST DATE and the other guys are like “brooooo wtf!!!” martino breaks his silence (idk i’ll talk more about martino’s Energies later but i just feel like he wouldn’t be talking much around this group of guys. he’s so very different from all of the other isaks in my head) to tell the story of when nico stole his mom’s car and drove for like six hours or whatever to wherever marti and the boys were. oh and also they skipped a whole day of school that one time to go to milan? and they like jumped over a fence and trespassed on like private property or something to smoke together (honestly is it extremely obvious that i have little to no idea what happened in sk*mit lmao) and the other guys are like......nodding along.....just kind of going with it like....”yeah dude woah how crazy! yall really uhhhh yall really Did That” and then martino just goes back to being quiet and staring at his hands. honestly, his personality is just so......different. idk if the other guys would vibe with him tbh. like while isak and fr lucas would obviously take the lead in the convos, i see martino just sitting there, his head constantly switching back and forth between the two of them like in the cabin scene where gio’s telling him how to text nico lmao

also!! yeah no isak and fr lucas become fast friends. they’re constantly making points and just aggressively agreeing with each other like!! imagine the conversations these two would have about science! matteo would jump in every now and then with some random comment about idk evolution or whatever the topic is now and isak and fr lucas would just bust their guts laughing like idk but they definitely think everything that comes out of matteo’s mouth is like the funniest thing in the world ya know like they have that energy. justice for isak and lucas lallemant and their Chaotic Best Friend Energy. then matteo just goes back to smoking and staring at david across the room like he hasn’t just won the dundee award for Funniest Isak.

lucas vdh is there too and he’s like 100% keeping up with the conversation and adding his own little quips every now and then. isak thinks he’s funny but he’s still like Suspicious of him (bc ofc he is i mean it’s vdh!! very on brand of him!!) and they like Smirk at each other every time vdh says something Snake-like bc isak lowkey respects the hustle?? vdh reminds isak of a younger version of himself. like honestly, out of all of the remakes, lucas vdh has the STRONGEST og isak energies to me. idk why he just like exudes season 1 isak snakeness. like look at them!!!!

The Same Face.

also, robbe gets a honorable mention in the category of Remake Isaks Who Make OG Think Of His Younger Years And Tear Up A Bit. robbe’s like the little brother that somebody was forced to bring along but secretly they all love him. vdh and shay are constantly making fun of the silly tv shows that he’s always rambling on and on about. isak and fr lucas just punch them in the shoulders and shake their heads disapprovingly but don’t tell them to stop cuz they think it’s funny too

AND SHAY MY DAUGHTER dude you have no idea how amazing the guys would think she is. so we have some Class A misogynist kings in this group BUT shay might just be the exception. yall this is the girl who was talking about doo doo streaks. like she makes the other isaks laugh but in a different way than matteo does and she loves the validation! she highkey thinks they’re all annoying and is constantly saying things like “bro nah once i get my gf WATCH i am never gonna talk shit about her like yall do with all your bfs” and they just go pfftt like yeah wait until she blasts katy perry or some shit in the kitchen at 9 o’clock in the morning and you have pretend like youre into it just WATCH. WE ALL HAD TO GO THROUGH IT. YOU WILL TOO! shay says “watch me bitch!! katy perry’s bomb!”

fr lucas says he and eliott still listen to dubstep sometimes and then proceeds to get roasted by the squad when they find out that he plays classical piano lmao

also can we take a moment to appreciate our king lucas rubio bc let’s be honest he would sit down with the isaks for one second, listen to matteo talk about how he told david he loved him for the first time while discussing their favorite kermit the frog memes or something and scream into a pillow. like our one (1) mature isak king would just look over at cris who happened to tag along and roll his eyes but nope!! she’s actually like into it and immediately, she pulls up her secret meme instagram and now they’re all following each other and ugh! anyway lucas rubio gets up to go join the evens in their discussion about the fall of the 1920s noir film genre around the time shay, robbe, and vdh start arguing about who’s hair in the group is the best. he’s sensitive okay???

bro i gotta make a whole other post about the evens someday i have SO MUCH TO SAY

[heartsoftruth]

What bag do you love in the picture of ney davi and bruna?

The one she has with her, but there aren’t any other photos of it. 

Anonymous said:I still find it weird that Carol doesn’t follow Neymar 🤔

She doesn’t? I never noticed, but we all know they have a good and mature relationship. Social media is not important to me tbh. 

Anonymous said:Brumar will be on/off for many more years to come. Bruna is 22 and Ney is almost 26. It’ll go on until they approach their 30’s and realise their self worth.

We can only wait and see what will happen. 

Anonymous said:I don’t want to be mean (okay maybe just a little). But I see people saying that Bruna does not need pr, but in the “past” she has already had a fake relationship and has already been in a “date” with a singer and their team warned some paparazzi who “caught” they two. So pr is noting new to her.

How do you know her team warned the paps?? 

Anonymous said:P1. I think Bruna and Neymar both love the attention and publicity they are getting from their relationship. It seems like they are more in love with the idea of their relationship, I mean two of the most famous people in Brazil, than they are with each other. That is probably why they broke up so many times. If they were in love and “strong” just like they always say they are, they would be able to hold their relationship without any break ups or just breaks.Anonymous said:P2. They should ask themselves how much time they have to play games with each other. Bruna is young but Neymar is going on to his 26th birthday. It’s not just one of them who loves the spotlight because that relationship would’ve ended after the first or the second time of trying. Unless they become aware of the fact that they love what the person offers to them and not the actual person, they will continue breaking up and getting back together.Anonymous said:P3. After a break up they, especially Neymar, probably feel alone, not because the person, Bruna, isn’t there but the attention and love from the outside (Brumars) isn’t there too to cheer on their love, affection and actions. The idea of their relationship happening seems like it’s being misinterpreted as pure, selfless love in their relationship. That’s not only unhealthy but a vicious circle that will continue until one actually realises that they have to buckle up or let go of each other.Anonymous said:P4. Their relationship doesn’t have to be PR. When attention and encouragement is their foundation, they don’t need peopleto tell them to get together. People remember the feelings they get from one person. If Neymar and Bruna love the attention, they are going to remember the love and affection that may not be from within but that obviously doesn’t matter to them. Their relationship isn’t with passion, intimacy or commitment. It’s more of fatuous love.Anonymous said:P5. The Triangular theory of love by Robert Sternberg is my reference. Fatuous love is a relationship, often marriages, that exist with passion and with commitment. In this case their passion is shown by declarations and displays of their love publicly. I don’t know much about their commitment but it seems like they don’t cheat in any form on their partner. This is my theory (and kind of my experiment) because I’m reading about the psychology behind ‘love’ currently.

I think you’re right about Ney missing the affection and feeling of someone loving him and to come home too. 

I think they both have to put much effort in the relationship (also bc of the distance), but in all honesty I think they did that last time too. She was often in Barcelona and when she was she was there for a really long time. She was with him on vacay in the US and then Africa… Only thing that lacked - looking at it from the outside - was her supporting him from the stands. 

I dont get btw you say: “Their relationship isn’t with passion, intimacy or commitment. It’s more of fatuous love.”

Then you say: “Fatuous love is a relationship, often marriages, that exist with passion and with commitment”

So do they or do they lack passion and commitment? I was confused by that part. 

Anonymous said:Yep.. Libra and Gemini’s are the best match for Aquarius because they’re air signs. Kinda funny because Libra’s are dubbed the “soul mate” sign for Aquarius and guess who’s a Libra? CAROLINA LOL. All jokes aside, Astrology can be fun to get into but I’m a firm believer of God so hey who knows, maybe God has a plan for Ney&Bruna. Despite them being astrologically incompatible 😂

Hahah, well then I need to meet Ney 😜😜😜

Indeed if they’re meant to be: they will make it. I also believe in that. 

Anonymous said:[ part 1 ] their relationship is weirder than it ever had been before. You can clearly see that both are now way more active on instagram, especialy Bruna. She is getting over 1M likes now that she is back with him, she sometimes got 1M but now she gets in on every damn pic. And they also comment every time on each others post i mean ofc you can do that but EVERY DAMN TIME ?! another thing why it seems so forced. they are literally giving the “brumar” fans what they want.Anonymous said:[ part 2 ] on the websides with the „HIGH QUALITY PAPARAZZI PICTURES„ of Brumar all over the world speaks of her either as his „model girlfriend or the „Deus Salve o Rei actress„ and they are kissing so weird to me ?!?! i mean i saw Kevin&Izabel kissing next to them but it was far more delicate and cute. Btw Ney seemed taken back by her smashing her lips to her. She is an actress after all so she sure knows how to „handle„ all this.Anonymous said:[ part 3 ] the boat pics: oh well….. one fucking mood: „😴🌚„ Davi looked bored as fuuuuck dayum #MOOD. who the fuck brings their kid on a boring boat tour like that?! I remember Davi going on a boat party with Carol (tbh everywhere Carol goes with him it seems so fun!) and there was music and he was enjoying himself with her cute boyfriend who seems to be bonding quite well with him!! 💖 im happy for that since Neymar had only eyes for Bruna and Davi was only good for their pics lmao.Anonymous said:[ part 4 ] there is such a difference in the pictures of Ca/her bf/davi, where their pics seem more of a real, normal and simple. and Neymar/Bruna/Davi, too much trying to shape a perfect reality of life. which DOES NOT EXIST. I don’t see the passion in that „„„family„„„ pic of them. I have seen Davi kissing Ney’s cheek but someone just said kiss his cheek and he just did and that was kinda it, no passion whatsoever. all pics of him davi and bruna lack it. bye now imdone w this 4-part analysis😂Anonymous said:Bruna is getting a million likes & has about 1 million followers more than before. It’s just quite strange that she constantly posts about advertisements (on her stories and half of the post of the last week). She and her team is taking advantage of the situation pretty well.Anonymous said:Considering she hardly ever posts on Instagram, Bruna is sure milking the latest publicity stunt for all it’s worth. Well she has gained over 600k followers since NYE so i’m not shocked

Yeah I agree: it feels like they’re trying to force that ‘best couple of the world’ vibe on you. Like even Jelena wasnt that extra when they met up and continue to meet up tbh. They just looked really cute on that bike having fun (to compare comeback couples haha). 

And indeed her Insta - promo -activity together with the increase of followers is also just…. Maybe a coincidence, but a very lucky one then… 

Davi on that boat looked bored indeed, but we can’t say they didn’t do anything fun. I mean with Carol he indeed looked like he had more fun, but thats also bc they made it fun for him. Jumping off the boat and peddling on the sea… I think Ney didn’t thought that one out well and the fact that Davi likes to do things (like any kid his age). Like I said its also easier to bound when you do things with the other person. That way you also have something to talk about haha. 

I dont think he’s using him for pics or anything. But I agree the perfect family doesn’t excist. The perfect life doesn’t excist nor does the perfect person. Everyone has a scar or something going on in their lives. You may not see it, but everyone has their issues/thins they deal with. 

Anonymous said:i saw a non talking about a astrology i have to say I read a thousands and thousands of their sinastry and what seems to be the bigger problem is that they don’t know how to overcome problems and they tend to rush things too much, she is a Leo with moon in Scorpio and rising in Taurus, he is an Aquarius with moon in pieces and rising in Sagittarius (by the moon you can see they have an affinity) he has Mars in cap and shes in libra (they are so different in every level) shes a romantic and he’sAnonymous said:hes a person who all of his energies are directed to work and stuff.. and he has Venus in Capricorn she has in Leo. His Venus in cap searchs for estabilish in love, hes a serious type of person in that aspect (which means he won’t believe in anything crazy or a partner who claim they are in love too quickly) and she wants to be the star in the relationship wants a partner who will be her prince that explain why shes so into romance and all and why whenever shes with him it has to be all bout herAnonymous said:that could explain why they always coming and go, hes a person who gets too comfortable and established his entire future upon that person but at the same time hes an Aquarius who loves freedom and meeting people and shes a Leo who loves romance (she probably thinks it’s cute the fact hes come back she may the one and she like it) overall their sinastry says that the magnetic between it’s quick and the overall understanding it’s so easy between then but they are childish they love it all but+Anonymous said:but at the same time they hate, one proof that he didn’t mature yet it’s because he’s not into bullshit and drama and shes ain’t too but when they with each other they don’t care and it it’s the bigger problem

I have like basic knowledge of horoscopes. So this went way above my head also because I didn’t understand some of the words I think…. 

Like this: “Leo with moon in Scorpio and rising in Taurus, he is an Aquarius with moon in pieces and rising in Sagittarius (by the moon you can see they have an affinity) he has Mars in cap and shes in libra.”  OR “and he has Venus in Capricorn she has in Leo.”

I did my best and I really find horoscopes interesting, but this is a little too hard for me to understand… You did made me wonder how the moon etc is in my horoscope haha. I’m gonna search for that! 

And I like the second part of your message when you explain more about the Zodiac signs of them and personality. I think you can be really right with that tbh. 

Anonymous said:there was a rumour back in the day that the whole brumar thing started when neymar was looking for a woman with a clean image since he used to be seen with a lot of women ex BBB chicks and etc and first he was looking after marina but barbosa but something happened and he ended it up with Bruna.

I think I read about that too. But that rumor started around her wedding right? Or a little before… She’s a sweetheart and a gorgeous woman, but I dont think Ney’s type. 

Anonymous said:Which celebrity do you think would look good with Neymar? Just aesthetically.

I think Bruna looks good with him tbh. 

Anonymous said:Does bru not wear her ring that ney got

No idea… Sorry. 

Anonymous said:Hey what does Carol do ? Like is she studying or working?

No idea. I think she was studying something, but I think she stopped… She has that clothing line.

Anonymous said:Hmm, betcha all the money in the world she’ll turn up to Paris late Feb/early March during Paris Fashion Week. She turned up to the Paris Haute Couture Week in July. I believe that was her first ever appearance at Fashion Week. She wouldn’t miss out on the chance of “mingling” with her “idols” Kendall, Gigi etc.

Ughhh. Frontrow with Balmain then I guess… 

Anonymous said:Thank you for tagging your asks! 😘

No problem! (but I’m gonna tag this as well so I dont know if you gonna see haha). 

Anonymous said:So were gonna get a new Brumar pic everyday until the new novel series 😏☕️

#countdown haha. 

[callsignbaphomet]

1-60 for Jelani (i believe thats how u spell it omg im sorry im AWFUL w names)

Yeah, that's how you spell his name. I'm terrible with names as well, it's why I gotta keep repeating them or I'll forget lol1: What is your character's biggest fear?Migraine attacks. He gets them at random and after countless tests no one has any idea what sets them off or why. Besides the immeasurable amount of pain that can cause him to blackout, his blood pressure spikes and he gets really bad nosebleeds and what's worse is that after a migraine attack his night terrors and sleep paralysis act up even more which makes him freak out and often ends with him being sedated.After migraine attacks he's hit with some very heavy insomnia that can last a week and some odd days, which brings a whole new mess of problems and risks: the fast and erratic heartbeats, the schizophrenia-like symptoms, imbalance of hormones, memory loss, headaches, microsleeps, hallucinations and so on. The only thing that sorta helps is a chemically induced coma.2: What is your character's favorite memory?When he was a kid Loke and Alfr would always take him everywhere and would constantly play with him. Alfr was kind of like an older sibling to him. One time Loke and Alfr set out to take some supplies to another village which was a 4 day trip and they took Jelani with them. Just four days with his brother and his brother's boyfriend travelling by themselves.3: What is your character's least favorite memory?During a raid his paternal grandfather was gravely injured and as much as Jelani tried to help he still died in front of him.4: Does anyone have a crush on your character? Is your character aware of this?Currently Mason does. Jelani knows but he is not going to do anything about it. He's married.5: Describe your character's dream date.Something simple. Out to eat, find a nice and tranquil place to just talk until sunrise.6: What is your character's sexual orientation?Pansexual.7: How does your character feel about their name?What's not to like? He was named after his maternal grandfather, the name means "mighty" and it only helps to boost his already elevated ego. He probably woulda ended up being named Ragnvaldr but his dad insisted that his mom name him.8: Does your character hate anyone? Why?Lucian. Out of jealousy he turned the other celestial beings against Jelani and a whole drama started that ended in war and billions dead. TBH Jelani shoulda known better but he had a short temper back then.Hróarr. The man that killed his paternal grandfather. He became Hróarr One-Armed after Jelani and Loke crippled his arm to the point where it had to be cut off.Angelus' entire maternal family. Kinda obvious as to why.9: How does your character feel about religion?He doesn't care for it much in terms of being "really devote", not exactly his thing though he does respect it. However, he does not respect the concept of Christianity, he doesn't trust it. But he has no problem with Christians themselves as long as they don't come at him with "drop paganism it's wrong" or those that use it as an excuse for pushing forward hate.10: Would your character ever kill someone?That's practically his job. Most of the threats they face HAVE to be taken out. When he was younger he and his family were dedicated to wiping out related threats.11: How did your character meet their best friend?He was born lolJelani considers his older brother his best and closest friend.12: How would/does your character feel about roller coasters?He loves going on roller coasters! The scarier and faster and bigger the better!13: What would your character die for?His brother, husband, family and close friends.14: What is the cutest thing your character has ever done?He was too nervous to propose face to face so he grabbed Maya (Angelus' pet ferret), tied a ribbon around her neck with the ring on it and sent her to Angelus. He didn't exactly ask, Angelus kind of asked him if that's what he meant and in the shiest whisper he confirmed that that's what he meant.15: What music genre would your character listen to?Black metal, symphonic metal, death metal. Metal!16: What other fictional characters remind you of your character?I don't wanna compare any OC to other fictional characters. Sounds stupid but I really don't like that.17: Does your character have any irrational fears?Absolute darkness. Not like the night or just a dark hall. I mean absolute darkness where you can't even see your own hands in front of you.18: How would your character feel about having their life recorded?Pissed off. He likes his privacy.19: What is your character's deepest, darkest secret?Okay, tl;dr. When Morris, Loke, Jelani and Trevor got Angelus away from his abusers Angelus made Morris promise not to hurt them. Morris never did, only because he thought it would make Angelus' guilt and mental state worse.Skip to 2 centuries later and by sheer coincidence Angelus bumped into Lexington who was the most abusive towards him. Lexington just took him with him and tortured him. Why? Idk he's an abusive predator who hated his nephew more than anything else and the thought of Angelus still being alive and happy pissed him off.So after they found Angelus Jelani and Loke found out it was Lexington so Jelani went to find him. Spent a week torturing him and then killed him. He dropped what remained of Lexington at Angelus' grandmother's place and warned her that if anyone of them ever came near him again he'd personally kill her entire family in front of her and then turn her over to some Slayers.Angelus doesn't know Jelani did that. The only one who knows anything is Loke.20: What is the most surprising thing about your character?He sleeps with a nightlight on because of night terrors that he never outgrew.21: Is your character flexible?Physically? Personality wise? Not really for the first. Yeah for the second one.22: What is the worst thing your character has ever done?Started a war that ended in the deaths of millions of celestial beings, almost destroyed an empire, led to his and thousands of other's exile.23: Is your character morally gray or black or white?Gray. V E R Y gray.24: What prejudices does your character have?None. He and his brother were raised to treat others as they'd like to be treated, to treat everyone with respect, that prejudices are harmful and why, and to be honest if he had any prejudices he wouldn't have been accepted into the organization much less been made second in command or even eventually end up as first in command.25: Would you want to hang out with your character?YES!26: What is your favorite headcanon for your character?Wouldn't this make it canon? Lmao.Anyway, been playing with the idea that after his arc he begins to try to tap into his abilities which some include magic so he switches between male and female just for fun.27: What would be the worst way for your character to die?Dying knowing that his brother or husband or family or close friends were in danger but he wouldn't be able to do anything about it.28: What pet would your character like to have?He actually has a female ball python named Slinky.29: What would be your character's favorite food?Sushi.30: Would your character have any hobbies?Reading. He reads a lot. Also video games.31: What social media would your character use?Most likely Twitter and Instagram.32: What does your character look like?Cheapo rundown. Well built, very tall, long black straight hair that he's not really fond of since he feels it just sits there and looks dull as hell, blue eyes, really dark skin and has a strange mark on his lower left side that looks like a burn. It's a sigilbut he doesn't know that until his arc.33: In what ways is your character like you?Stubborn and competitive.34: What is cliche about your character?Metalhead that's really into satanic aesthetic and imagery just for the shock factor.35: What is unique about your character?I guess the fact that he is a Maker (god of all gods) of the primordial pantheon.36: Does anyone want to harm your character?So many enemies over the centuries. There's a lot of people that wanna kill 'im but Lucian NEEDS to if he plans on keeping the realm under his command.37: Do people have justified grudges against your character?Check the previous answer.38: What role does your character play in their story?He's one of the main characters.39: What would be your character's niche on Tumblr?He would probably last three minutes on Tumblr. See what a dumb mess it is and then deactivate.40: What would be your character's favorite school subject?History and science.41: Would your character want to have any children?He's thought about it but not really.42: What would be your character's dream career?He's been doing what he's been doing for so long that nothing else would be as satisfying or even worth it.43: What is your character insecure about?Not being good enough. Messing up so badly that it would cost someone their life.44: What is your character proud of?How much he has climbed within the organization. He was the top agent for centuries which landed him a place amongst the three leaders and not just any, once Morris steps down he'll leave the organization in Jelani's hands.45: What would your character change about themselves?He'd prefer to have his mother's hair. Most likely different eye color because he's had it up to here with comments like, "Oh, wow, that is so rare on someone like you."46: Would you want to trade places with your character?God, yes, you have no idea.47: What fandoms would your character be in?He wouldn't be in any fandom. He'd peak in a little bit every once in a while but he'd never go into it.48: How would your character type?On mobile he's pretty fast. Keyboard not fast but not slow either.49: How does your character stand politically?You know the side that's NOT xenophobic, racist and downright horrible unless you're a rich, straight, cisgender, white male? Yeah, that one.50: What is your favorite thing about your character?Despite the fact that he's so powerful and capable of taking care of himself in practically any scenario he still needs his older brother.51: What is your character's favorite animal?Otters.52: How would your character act in gym class?Would participate but wouldn't go all out.53: What clubs would your character join?Book club and anything to do with video games.54: What is the saddest thing about your character's life?I can't think of anything. He's one of my OCs that's had it relatively good.55: Would your character do the Ice Bucket Challenge?Why do something idiotic when you can just donate the money directly?56: What's one of your character's quirks?He's a bit of a neat freak, everything has to be clean and tidy in his apartment.57: How would your character feel about feminism?He IS one. Without it a lot of things wouldn't have happened to make life livable for many people, himself included.58: Is your character dorky or more athletic?More dorky.59: What is your least favorite thing about your character?His ego can be jarring.60: If you could title your character's life, what would you title it?Lol I couldn't think of anything.

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 37 (& 36,35,34,33 ..blabla)

Not much to tell.

It’s just that um. Yeah, things are different. Life is different. I am different.  I am not that familiar with this version of me and don’t know how much I am capable of. But I know that I got a lot weirder. I could hardly care or give a shit about most of the things. Ignorance is my best defense mechanism; I tend to ignore/ keep away things which get to me.  However, everything comes with a price. I get crazy crayyy crayyy zee cravings from time to time. Sometimes it’s food, sometimes it’s shopping. Sometimes it’s taking a perfect picture of food maybe, or of something. Idk. depends on situation os surroundings. Sometimes its looking for the perfect shoe online, and other times the perfect lipstick shade. Or other times its making a list of all the make up products I want to buy. Sometimes im deciding which mall to go to and when. Other times i am thinking which restaurant to go to and when. Sometimes in the most random way possible i start thinking of any specific food and crave it badly and almost feel its taste in my tongue, other times I am making decisions of how I will be eating healthy and making big lifestyle changes.  Sometimes thinking of how little minor details in life, the ways people interact, the comments people make, the way people look at you, the way you respond to someone, the feelings that are being expressed, the feelings that are being suppressed can mould a persons life in such different ways and affect someone so deeply.. thinking of it all draws tears to my eyes.. The world is a harsh place. We might consider ourselves as “human beings”; the civilized creatures but in reality.. I think there is not much difference. We are only a little better than animals who need to be “tamed”. Infact, even harder when we are the ones who need to tame ourselves because everyone is damaged in their own way. No one is perfect, no one was taught how to survive life. Its like you were dumped on earth and you need to figure things out for yourself but hey that’s kind of okay once you know that this is what youre supposed to do. But what about those people who think they are doing right. Who think it is okay to be exactly the way they are now. Hahaha, I guess I sound like I am angry with humans lol. But nah, I dont really care tbh. Now this would be a lie maybe in the past where I would just be “trying” to not care, but now! I actually dont! but that doesnt mean I can totally ignore bullshit happening in this world. but yeah, it doesnt really get to me so much! Anyways, moving on. So yeah! How i survive. Well at times I kind of lose it and get really attached to materialistic/ worldly luxuries! Like i-neeed- to buy this. I -need- to go there. I -need- to eat this. Sometimes it is posting a pic on instagram, where life is so sugarcoated and nice. I have been working on it for a long time. I really have a thing for taking pics of food mostly or other things or myself and when I pick some of them, and put them together and theres a chronological order being maintained to some extent. Just scrolling through it, your life flashes in front of you to an extent. Its nice.  Now one might think that i could do the same scrolling through my gallery too but theres a difference. First, since i am a person who is a sucker for taking pics, my gallery is overloaded! Back in high school, my pictures wouldnt just take up the whole of my gallery but also would fill up my friends’ phones too! they would literally have way more pics of me than their own selves. But the difference is that id chose pics which i would want to upload, which are okay to be shared. Btw its not really like i upload my -best- pics. most of the times it is one of the average ones. As much as i would like sharing ‘dark’ parts of me, I am also not comfortable sharing good ones all the time. well anyways, so yeah thats enough about pics i suppose lol i can go on talking all day wow ‘-’

Okay then there’s me having this strong urge to eat something, or go shopping and buy something and all of that. How i deal with that? well sometimes it really gets on my nerves and that is bad. And then i realize i am diverting my aims in life and yeah that is pretty much it. I just get my mind to think straight and I am fine for some time. it sounds really simple yeah, but its really really bothering when i crave for anything! like it really gets to me to really extreme levels. its all i think of and i cant concentrate or do anything peacefully. but when i get back to my senses, everythings fine again.

This was just one side of things. There is another side to. This one’s easy! I sleep. or just sit and do nothing. When i say nothing i mean it. Its not like i am on my phone and im going through every social media app scrolling on and on and doing nothing. its not like i am sitting on my laptop and doing nothing. It notttttt! When i say doing nothing i mean it. Nothing. I am just sitting with no gadgets, nothing. No i am not even lost in deep thoughts about anything. Like i said, ignorance is my escape. I just dont care enough to get to do something, anything. So i end up sleeping! And except for pee breaks, i can sleep for hours and hours like wow! this was so not me lol! I actually didnt like sleeping so much, well not like i like it now. I mean yeah i do sleep a lot but not because i like it. I am neutral, there is nothing it like about it and i might have hated it earlier but now i dont hate it either. I mean before i used to think there is so much to lose of people keep sleeping all day. Well right now I still have the same idea but i mean at this phase in life right at this moment, for me, there isnt much I am losing while sleeping so its ok. 

So yeah, those are the two extremes i keep shifting between! extreme cravings for the weirdest things followed by letting go of all this materialistic desires/ urges and getting my thoughts clean! Or doing literally nothing, not caring at all, ignoring anything and everything and sleeping! 

Um well thats it. Now before finishing up there are two things I wanted to point out! 

One is that my food cravings dont really have anything to do with the fact that its Ramadan, because I havent fasted a day yet. i mean food was always important to me. It helps me deal with things both mentally and emotionally since always.. Same as spending money on shopping! 

And the other thing I wanted to point out is him.  There is nothing new i can tell about him. just that he is always on my mind. Always. To keep it short, its like the ONLY  thing that has changed is that we dont talk. AND that is a big big big thing. but that is the only thing. That is how i feel! And since it is a big big big big thing (way bigger than all the bigs I put in there) it s not cool! But idk  I just miss telling him how much i love him.. Okay i was never a person who was into ‘telling’ that cause i really really believe that actions speak louder way louder than words when it comes to those 3 words -i-love-you- but yeah! that doesnt mean id be cool if someone would just act it out and not tell me so lol.  And yeah so its the same right now. I mean i really feel like I would never fail in acting out my love for him. I am  just that certain and aware of how much he means to me. So yeah, that is why i said. that i miss telling him so. that i love him.. I miss being able to do so.. Ummm yahhh So that’s it! Pretty long post ik but kinda making up for the extremely tiny mini posts for the last few days but yeah i pretty much covered what is going on with me this whole time so yeah!  :) 

[leighannetrash]

wassup, a big shouout to @holdupwait for making these gr8 questions and if i tag you, you don’t want to do this bc i’m not at all good at making questions

Questions for me to answer:

1. how do you want/wish LM5 to sound like? 

listen....i need more “omg” “how ya doin” vibes for the next album. im a sucker for loud pop songs about self confidence and hating men so (also more female rappers/female collabs would be amazing!!!)

2. what’s your favorite music-related memory?

this is cringy but i used to go over to my friends house (i was 9 or somethin)  in her basement and we would get her bean bags, a mattress and these small chairs and put on rihanna’s songs (don’t stop the music was our fav), we would turn off all the lights and just dance around for HOURS it was so fun and we bustin some major moves

3. would you up and move by yourself somewhere else right now? where?

noooo im happy here plus i need to finish high school (if we’re talking country/city) but at this moment im sitting on my bed and i move myself to get up and get dressed

4. is there a quote/lyric that you aspire to live up to?

THIS IS SO DUMB ?? ? BUT FLO RIDA SAID A QUOTE THAT HAS RESONATED WITH ME FOR !!!YEARS!!!! i was listening to the radio and an interview with him came on and he said he doesn’t release a song unless it makes me get the goosebumps, and if that doesn’t happen then he scraps it and that has stuck with me for like 3 years so whenever i write i always think if this really has amazed me...so shoutout 2 flo rida

5. what’s your go-to activity when you need to unwind?

watching jane the virgin, making new spotify playlists or watching youtube vids

6. how would you define your personal style?

a mom who doesn’t conform to the typical Mom Attire

7. whose movie/tv show character’s wardrobe would you like to have?

shelby wyatt from quantico...bc we have very similar body shapes and noora from skam

8. what were your thoughts when you first started your tumblr page?

i had no idea what little mix were up to and i just wanted to be updated on their 3rd album but i made my account like a week before the dreamin together video dropped so everyone lost their shit bc nothing had been happening for MONTHS but i was kinda like....what  ?s happening ? ? wheres lm3!!???

9. what kind of things do you post on your instagram/other social media?

for my instagram i post pics of me, my friends, cool thing ive done, stuff i want to tell my friends & ppl at school....twitter is just for shouting into the void tbh

10. favourite boy/girl name?

literally any female is nice to me...and boys ..............not worth my time

Questions for you to answer:

What’s your most recent dream you can remember?

Would you marry the last person you talked to?

Favourite elementary school memory?

Have you ever had a funny wardrobe story? (malfunction? awful outfit choice?)

What social medias other than Tumblr do you use?

If someone asked you who the most beautiful person in the whole entire world was, who would you say?

Good TV show recommendations?

Do you like painting your nails?

Do you need to clean your room/where you’re living right now?

Do you read books? (if yes, what’s your favourite?)

i tag @jadethirlwell @vintageperrie @whatyoudream-youcangrow @perriedahling @wingsjade to answer my 10 questions!

[alienfence]

i keep showing major physical signs of stress and anxiety, like constant nosebleeds, feeling weak, throwing up the food i just ate, getting no sleep, sweating more, and now smoking mentally i do not feel too too bad bc i know that if i work hard enough now i will be able to get it all done in time and come out with decent-ish grades at the end. which is great but physically my body is shutting down at the most inconvenient time for me as per job my new job gives me nightmares. i want to do well and get everything right first time which is just not possible to do. i have to make mistakes and learn from them but i just learn so slowly under pressure and it's haunting me the amount of extra stress that it's giving me but i like the idea of it generally, having a job to go to and being needed and helpful and having structure in my life. Meeting new people and being optimistic no matter what grumpy people i served just a moment before. i also really like the money even though none of it has actually been given to me yet, the earnings has me fucking jumping for joy bc it means more weed and booze and more good times with friends generally which is what i wanted to spend the rest of my money on for the year tbh. materialism isn't very appealing to me so i think of the meet ups and weekends i can spend it on, and the friends i could spend it on (lmao) if i find the right ones. but the stress and the nearly crying and the fucking SCREAMING from the boss gets me so fucking overwhelmed and i hope its something that i just get used to or something and sometimes i question whether it is worth the money i get bc i don't really need a job. i could live without it but i wanna reward myself and be able to treat my friends and shit so i guess its worth it school not getting back into hautlieu would be the biggest downfall of my entire life and i honestly think i would kill myself if i didnt at least pass my AS. there's just so much to do in such a short space of time and i KNOW it's all going to crash on me really soon, English is becoming too fucking much and all the coursework for tech as well as the Exam where i wanna scratch as many marks as i can also, art is so time consuming and it's draining the life from me when all i really wanna do is spend time with my friends. i'm not sure if going out drinking is just some sort of distracting mechanism that i'm using but it's certainly working but that guilt is always there, where i know i should be working but i'm high as a kite or smashed out of my mind. it's really not that much in retrospect and if i keep making lists it'll be fine probably. i just have to beg and hope and keep on studying english until the day i can throw that fucking book away finally. sexuality i'm still so fucking confused. one minute i think i like one thing and the next minute i want the other. its torturous not knowing and i don't know who i'm going to end up with in future or which side of me i'll have to give up. being very very visual and realistic, i could see myself in a relationship with either sex even though i would most likely, probably feeling like 85% be with a girl romantically, but a girl (naturally) can't penetrate but there are toys and stuff. i really don't see myself with a guy very often but i probably could, guys don't have nice legs/boobs/ass or anything but sexually, even though the thought at the moment somewhat horrifies me, i could see myself having sex with a guy. i really could bc of straight porn and shit does get me off but romantically idk. guys are so hard to understand and i just think i fit so much better with being with a really cute girl. but then sometimes i don't really (sexually) want just girls !!! its so fucking CONFUSING. my mind is fucked and i'll probably just be alone forever, im ugly as fuck anyways so i can't actually think of anyone who would want to be with me to begin with regardless of sex and throwing myself out there will just confuse people and i don't wanna do that and have people not take me seriously. social expectations i really love my school but at the same time i hate it. the people who come and go so quickly makes me really sad and the way people are so closed off and against branching out to meet new people and stick to the same friends and the same group for their whole lives makes me kinda depressed. i feel very pressured to know everybody, always have plans, be invited everywhere, and to get along with everyone. my life is just so not like that tho especially when people make it so hard to get to know them properly. when there's a party i feel like there's some level of exclusivity that i'm not included in and the feeling kinda fucking sucks when its plastered all over instagram and i feel like it's all a big game of "who went to what party" and "who knows who" and it's all just a big social trap. i really cba for all that shit and the disappointment it guarantees for me bc i am extremely introverted naturally, and i'm not good at making friends bc i come off as annoying and clingy and i say the wrong things at all the wrong times. i really only need a couple of close friends to be happy but atm i'm so miserable i end up dragging them down too which i don't wanna do at all. i keep planting my problems onto other people and projecting my issues onto people who don't have a choice but to listen and i don't realise i'm doing it until after i've done it and it makes me feel like shit knowing they probs don't wanna listen and most likely have better things to do, but i technically forced them to listen anyway bc i'm a shitty, selfish person like that. i'm too innocent and affectionate for my own good. people add and remove, add and remove me constantly and it makes me feel awkward passing them in school bc it confuses me as to if we're actually friends or not? its this unspoken language that i don't understand and i feel secretly hated all over again even tho i'm probably not, it feels like that and it'd be weird to talk to them again and i wish everyone could be more inclusive idk, or even just more fucking open to the idea that in life you're gonna talk to more than the same 5 people over and over again

[augcst]

unusual asks: do them all i believe in you

WHO DID THIS but lowkey thanks bc this is what i wanted read below if you wanna know things about me or *cough* datemeimeanwhta *cough*

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Spotify all the wayyy

Is your room messy or clean?Actually clean bc I just cleaned it out and everything is organized

What color are your eyes?Brown af

Do you like your name? why?I do and its bc its aestetically pleasing to look at for me? Like Autumn is just really nice to look at u kno

What is your relationship status?single and mentally unstable; thotumn

Describe your personality in 3 words or lesstired, sometimes creative

What color hair do you have?dark brown with lighter brown streaks

What kind of car do you drive? color?Nissan Versa Note, sky blue

Where do you shop?For clothes: H&M and target, my sister’s closet

How would you describe your style?attempted gay athletic

Favorite social media accountInstagram or this one

What size bed do you have?Double or queen... its bigger than a twin but not a king lol

Any siblings?Biological: 9, Step: 2, Adopted: 2 (all sisters)

If you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?New Zealand because it’s so gorgeous, or the gay island with my favorite people ive ever met @enbykaradanvers and @thegrimllama

Favorite snapchat filter?The one that makes your nose smaller and your face thinner

Favorite makeup brand(s)I use drug store mostly, Milani is INCREDIBLE, but expensive: highligher - nars, primer - too faced, stila, makeup forever

How many times a week do you shower?Usually every other day unless im going through a particularly bad depression spout. 

Favorite tv show?All-time: New Girl, The Office, Parks and Rec, Grey’sCurrent: Supergirl

Shoe size?.....size 11

How tall are you?5′4″ish

Sandals or sneakers?SNEAKERS ALWAYS

Do you go to the gym?not really

Describe your dream datestargazing in a remote, low-lit area so the stars are super bright with philosophical discussions

How much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?$178 not including like gift cards and stuff

What color socks are you wearing?none right now

How many pillows do you sleep with?I have to have one for my head, one to hug, and one on the other side so i feel secure lmao but I have 7 full pillows on my bed rn

Do you have a job? what do you do?Not currently as I’m about to go through a really tough semester, but I was a nanny

How many friends do you have?I have 3/4 best friends but a really good amount of friend friends 

Whats the worst thing you have ever done?watched the Bee movie

Whats your favorite candle scent?peach or evergreen

3 favorite boy namesI have 3 gender neutral names: Journey, River and Eowyn

3 favorite girl namessame as above plus annie

Favorite actor?um... *looks at smudged writing on hand* Benadryl *squints* Cucumber

Favorite actress?Melissa Benoist or Katie McGrath atm

Who is your celebrity crush?Same as above

Favorite movie?Hidden Figures is SO GOOD YALL YOU GOTTA SEE IT

Do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?I don’t because I have issues with concentrating unless i’m interested and it’s dead quiet. But my favorite book is Milk&Honey by Rupi Kaur CALL ME BASIC I KNOW I AM but i have a lot of poetry books i enjoy

Money or brains?Brains

Do you have a nickname? what is it?Yes, Audi or Thotumn or Small Chip as coined by @thegrimllama and Lil Sis/sib as coined by @enbykaradanvers

How many times have you been to the hospital?For myself, 4 times for serious things. 1) Kidney infection as an infant, 2) Two nose bleeds that wouldn’t stop 3) Severe stomach pain 4) Broken ankle

Top 10 favorite songsin no particular order:-This Girl (Kungs Vs. Cookin’ On 3 Burners)-Wow by Beck-Guillotine by Jon Bellion-False Alarm by Matoma-Death of a Bachelor by Panic! at the Disco-Starving by Hailee Steinfeld-Take On Me by Aha-Send My Love (To Your New Lover) by Adele-That’s My Girl by 5H-6 Inch by Beyonce

Do you take any medications daily?Too many

What is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)Definitely combination

What is your biggest fear?Shallow: Heights; Deep: Being Gaslighted

How many kids do you want?I want a few although im not sure how many, but never an only child. 

Whats your go to hair style?Messy pony or bun

What type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)Average for a family, like 4 bedroom, 3 stories, 3 baths.

who is your role model?@enbykaradanvers and @thegrimllama and my mom

What was the last compliment you received?(regarding a nude I thought was awful) @thegrimllama : “HOLY SHIT IT WORKS THOUGH, IM FOR REAL THOUGH SEND IT TO EVERYONE”

What was the last text you sent?“IM ONLY HALFWAY THROUGH”

Wow old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?I still believe in santa dont ARGUE WITH ME

What is your dream car?One with bluetooth music, leather seats, seatwarmers and a sun roof and adequate room in the baCK AKA MY CAR I DESTROYED LAST YEAR I CRY

Opinion on smoking?not for me, please dont smoke cigs around me either

Do you go to college?Yep, getting my associates this semester then transferring

What is your dream job?a job that works with psychology and children. maybe autistic children

Would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?Suburbs. I like the idea of a city, but I hate the crowdedness, but i like living close enough to like a target and H&M and stuff

Do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?nah, if anything I use them while im there

Do you have freckles?not really, just like random spots all over my body but not like the cute freckles lmao

Do you smile for pictures?now I do, i went through a period where I didnt though

How many pictures do you have on your phone?17k

Have you ever peed in the woods?yes, when I was little and my family was actually active and hiked lmao

Do you still watch cartoons?sometimes, my little sister watches them and sometimes they’re on. But I do watch Steven Universe and Spongebob when they’re on lmao

Do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?HOW ABOUT CHICK FIL A

Favorite dipping sauce?Ranch probably

What do you wear to bed?usually a tee and underwear

Have you ever won a spelling bee?I think I vaguely remember winning when I was in elementary but I honestly cant say for sure

What are your hobbies?Art and music and studyblring and im trying to get into like editing digital stuff and i also like writing when I have the spoons

Can you draw?yeah, I have an art tag somewhere. You can find it on my page in my about me i think

Do you play an instrument?the guitar, I used to play viola and piano though

What was the last concert you saw?Twenty One Pilots at Red Rocks i think?

Tea or coffee?hot chocolate

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?starbucks

Do you want to get married?yes

What is your crush’s first and last initial?JH, but it’s like an inactive crush? But like other than that I dont have any

Are you going to change your last name when you get married?Probably

What color looks best on you?Orange or navy blue probably

Do you miss anyone right now?@enbykaradanvers bc they WENT TO SLEEP EARLY LIKE A HEALTHY PERSON although im really proud of them bc i care and love them and i want them to be well rested for work so they have a highkey good day

Do you sleep with your door open or closed?CLOSED AF

Do you believe in ghosts?Umm yes but not in the conventional way. lmk if anyone wants to know more lmao

What is your biggest pet peeve?I have so many but top ones are chewing with your mouth open and velvety textures

Last person you called?@enbykaradanvers and @thegrimllama

Favorite ice cream flavor?Mint choclate chip

Regular oreos or golden oreos?I like the cookie part of regular ones but the whole of golden ones so u choose

Chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?i dont like sprikles but make it gay so rainbow

What shirt are you wearing?my fave long sleeve tee, it was my dad’s at one point

What is your phone background?kara danvers with a pink background and a pixelly thought bubble that says “why are you on my phone”

Are you outgoing or shy?a mix. depends on my spoons tbh

Do you like it when people play with your hair?if they do it gently bc i highkey have a really sensitive scalp

Do you like your neighbors?yeah, one of my best friends lives on the left and a nice family lives on the right

Do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?morning and night... but like lazily. Literally water in the morning and a makeup wipe or water at night

Have you ever been high?from prescription drugs but like that were meant for me lol

Have you ever been drunk?never

Last thing you ate?sauteed mushrooms

Favorite lyrics right now"theres not enough wind in oklahoma to blow this old house to the ground” or something like that

Summer or winter?summer, but i dont hate winter

Day or night?night

Dark, milk, or white chocolate?milk

Favorite month?May

What is your zodiac signLeo

Who was the last person you cried in front of?@thegrimllama bc i was having a bad night and she skyped me until I fell asleep 

[perfectlovekillsallfear87]

2 days off in a row.

this is my first day off without Lance here.  I’ve been with Lance since 2017.  we havent had the easiest of relationships. a lot of drunken fights. break ups and make ups.  everything got ok when he got since and we both stopped drinking.  just a warning for those who drink. please be aware of the damage it can do to your liver and your life.  Lance is so sick that he cant even get out of bed. Which is why he finally wanted to go to the hospital. dont get me wrong. he’s been in and out of the hospital since he got sick. but they really couldnt do anything to help. we were waiting for his appt in phx. but since this virus hit, it was canceled and we were told to wait til september. which i didnt want. cause he was getting worse everyday.  so on tuesday i finally took him to the clinic and they took him to the local hospital where has been staying. due to the virus i am unable to see him. and that sucks.  but he has his phone, switch and his tablet to keep him occupied. thankfully he can keep in touch with me via texts.  he seems to be doing better there. which is nice because I wanted him to be watched and taken care of by people who know what their doing. 

i love Lance. and i wouldnt abandon him. even though there has been many fights about it. he wanted to break up with me so I wouldnt have to deal with him. but i told him to stop. i will not leave him during this time. i know we’ll get through this.  but emotionally i have left. i sought out Shea.  lance isnt the emotional type. we never really talk about our feelings. which is why i was overjoyed when Shea actually listened to me when I spoke to him. and it was easy to talk to him and not have him pass any judgement.  im stuck in the middle right now. it feels like anyways. but if i take a step back its a no brainer that i should be with lance. shea flat out said nothing will come of us. but theres a part of me the believes the opposite.  it sucks not working. cause i just sit and all these damn thoughts go through my head and my heart and i get overwhelmed fast. and i have no one to talk to about this.  i promised shea i would tell anyone. so i wont.  its friday. which means sheas off for the weekend.  so im hoping he will sneak away and talk to me.  i understand he cant always say anything to me. but then again you can make time for someone. send a quick text saying maybe “i miss you” or “im thinking about you” it doesnt take much to make me happy.  his wife isnt at work with him. so i dont understand why he cant send me a message while hes there.  i legit took 2 different naps today. its that boring.  theres nothing to watch. at least for me to stay interested in.  usually i talk to lance or im making him something to eat or to drink.  now that i dont have that, i feel bored. theres nothing for me to do.  im usually getting my clothes ready for work, but this week surprisingly i have 2 days off in a row. which i was hoping that shea would take advantage of. but he did it the other night which i wasnt ready for. i guess it just sucks when you want that to be a daily thing, but gotta wait for when hes ready. i hate waiting. i really do. im very impatient.  OMG i am so tempted to go to circle k to buy something to drink. like maybe 3 shooters. i wanna get a little tipsy. but do i really wanna ruin my sobriety because im bored??  what else is there for me to do?? nothing. i have no friends and even if i did. we couldnt do anything cause everyones social distancing.  tbh i was surprised that shea wanted to see me. i would be afraid to see anyone other than the 2 people i live with. i take this virus seriously.  when shea told me he was in trouble yesterday. i wonder in what way. did his wife know he was with me? does she worry if anything will start up again between us? could she smell that he had had sex in the car? or on him? could she smell me on his shirt? i have no idea. i have her blocked on my facebook and instagram. and that was before i even started talking with shea again. i have a lot of stalkers on the interwebs and its just better off if i block them off the bat.  i have nothing else to really type out and get out there. i cant stop thinking about shea and wondering if he’ll text me. thats what broke me the last time this happened. he basically ghosted me and thats when I got mad and told his wife. i dont wanna do that. i wanna keep this going. for as long as i can.  some people look at shea and she a dork. hes almost a redhead. with glasses. freckles. he has a dad bod. a little belly but i like it. he has tattoos. an amazing smile. his voice is probably the favorite thing about him that I love. im getting wet just picturing him in my head. i think its funny when we make out, our glasses hit together and they get smudged up as well, lol.  when I sat in his ride. i was shy. he told me to stop it. and said “are you gonna hold my hand or what?” i took his hand. and as soon as i felt his warm strong fingers curl up and close around my hand. i felt so safe. i missed his touch so much. in that moment i felt like a year didnt even pass.  the only thing i didnt want to hear was him ask me why i did what i did. i told him i didnt know. and that i was sorry. he wasnt upset with me anymore and he made that clear. he told me he wanted to keep this going with me. he said if i didnt say anything. we couldve still been together. and a year wouldnt have had to pass to do this again. but all that didnt matter anymore. we were there in that moment. and he said to make the most of it. i fucked everything up. so i cant be mad about it.  i want a whole day with him. i wanna cuddle and feel safe again.  Shea, if you ever by change find this blog. dont be mad. i just needed a place to get my thoughts out. Im madly in love with you. you have no idea. it sucks that life brought you to me so late. so so so late. sometimes i wonder what wouldve happened if i met you first or sooner.  anyways. i think its time for me log off. already got myself emotional and dont wanna feel sorry for myself.  see ya tomorrow blog. pretty sure nothings going to happen tonight. 

laters.

[moidse]

le sigh

its been a minute since i’ve typed my thoughts here... 

idk if its my depression or what but it seems like every time i come back home from cbus i am like meh about going back. 

which i mean, i have to help **** do literally everything and it isn’t really fun. and there just isn’t anything to do right now. 

I just feel like I’m not pushing myself as much. I feel like i have a list of things to do and then after like 3 days i drive back to cbus and completely abandon my to-do list. 

which i could try harder to work there... i just don’t even have a working laptop right now and we dont work well together. we lowkey encourage each other to procrastinate. 

I just feel like if i stop going i can have a regular schedule of like walking an hour 5 days a week. which i could do at their place if the weather is good. like idk maybe i could just hang out on the weekends, like on Friday after I’ve done my walk and whatever... 

Because I am staying too many days fr fr. 

I just want to push myself harder. I’m just letting myself go in many ways... I’ve put on a lot of weight... I have just stopped working on my music video idea...      i stopped working on my songs... i stopped with my film idea...                               I haven’t been moving forward with my to do list in a really long time and I think spending less time there or rather a more structured about of time could help me get a sort of routine... like maybe i only go saturday and sunday... and mon-fri I have to do what I need.  

I also just feel like ***** is always like its okay its okay that i’m doing nothing right now ... which, is nice and i understand it is okay and im not failing but i don’t need that type of encouragement right now. I know I have the power to motivate myself like i’ve done in the past. 

I’m just tired of feeling sorry for myself.. I just need to eliminate the distractions...

ugh.. also.. like i feel like i am just less attracted to them... like how i felt in the beginning is fading i feel like.... idk if that’s normal or what but i don’t feel the same spark whatsoever... this came into my head recently when i saw a pic of them from b4 i met them. it instantly reminded me of how hot i thought they were when i was just creeping on their instagram and didn’t know them well yet. they looked really hot and like a good time. that probably sounds a bit sleezy but like i mean they looked like the sex would be good and it just isn’t. and i guess it’s just like i remember looking at them in this certain way and feeling like they were so hot and like now.... i can’t see them in that same light... at all.... i dont see them as the same hot person i first saw them as... and that’s because that person i was imagining in the beginning doesn’t exist. and that’s clear to me now... i had this fantasy of kaiya and then it didn’t line up. 

---

i’d never hit on someone before and have them explain they are asexual like 3 months into talking through emails... lmao this whole situation was sooo not what im used to...and tbh i was really throwing myself at ***** because i had just left **** for them basically and i felt stupid if i just dropped the best sex to be single.... but really the jokes on me because the person i threw myself at ended up being asexual and not wanting to fuck me anyways lmao.  it was like i was too proud. too proud to admit this is a bit of a rebound for me. that’s why that night i first kissed them was such a W for me. i didn’t want to lose that feeling. my ex tries to get me back, i say no and they leave sad, i hit on my crush and kiss them for the first time... then i drive home with my even bigger crush and tell them how the kissing was weird lmao... i hate myself. lmao

the only reason i even went back to ***** was because bigger crush didn’t like me and i felt like I took an L so i wanted attention from them to not feel sad...rejection really has me crawling to anyone to feel validated. and i feel like i just did this pattern in 2019.. I hit on someone i have a big crush on they reject me, i bounce back to my ex to try to pretend i didn’t take an L and to show i can get ppl and im desirable.. then that ex becomes too much and i got what i wanted from that so i just drop them, basically ghost them as soon as i hit on ***** ... then i instantly broke it off when my ex again.. and in my head i just kept thinking i better not have this fall through now cuz i really don’t wanna take another L...and the whole summer i was very stressed at every email because i just wanted this person to like me...i couldn’t tell what they were thinking the whole time cuz it didn’t seem like they liked me like that... only for them to come back.. and ive just been so sure this whole summer we’re gonna fuck and then they casually say they are asexual...  

that just hurt and was annoying. bitch watch me ask ppl str8 up if they are asexual now... ffs .. if im ever in a weird predicament again where im emailing ppl for months before fucking.

i just... dont even feel like masturbating anymore... it just makes me feel sad. the sexual connection just isnt there. it was there when we were tripping on acid. that was the first time i could feel a back and forth between us. i just dont know if im in love with them anymore. they aren’t the fantasy i had in my head when i first saw them and had an instant crush... and tbh their making out is weird because it isn’t sexual... its just like kissy suck on my lip .. its making me realize what makes making out hot is the sexual tension and it isn’t there for them. i just wish they would’ve told me earlier they were asexual but i guess i also understand like i didn’t ask, but idk i also think like wouldn’t you want to make sure you’re with a partner who wants to be with someone asexual? its just like, i feel like im hanging on by a single fred. lol. and that fred has been that oh maybe the sex will be better but i have low hope. because its more than sex.. its like ur sexual energy and vibe should be there like all the time not just when we are alone in their room having sex... like there is no sexual chemistry... it just feels like we are good friends who make out and they rub me off... it feels very elementary. im tired of like pressing them to let me touch them and shit. that really shouldn’t be how it is.. if they dont want me to touch them then like fine.

it also bothered me they mentioned me going on ssri’s when literally like everyone else i know doesn’t suggest those because you lose your sex drive and im like bitch why dont you change your meds and get off ssri’s ... it’s just too much... i hate that i’ve had thoughts like well maybe i’ll be happier in this relationship if im taking ssri’s .... which i don’t think that’s healthy either. i just feel like every week im discouraged this will ever hit right. i really dont feel as much as a spark...