#i have nothing left to worry about!
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Ok ik the last like 80 times I've said I'm gonna try to be here more I disappeared again but I swear this time it's true 😭
#i have nothing left to worry about!#no more tough financial spots or weird mental areas or travel or whatever#im fully free and wanting to write#im loading up the queue as we speak :)))#now that I've finally gotten over the mental block of not writing on my phone cause i can't use graphics I'll definitely be here way more#― ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ ⠀ooc ⠀ ❯ ⠀ 🌺
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day 1469
#amphibian#frog#amphibidextrous#first time trying left handed on paper in quite a while#its hard my hand keeps being in the way#digitally i don't have to worry about it since i dont have a fancy screen tablet theres nothing to see under the hand
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maybe we're not there yet, but the Grief and Loss Dynamics in Worlds Beyond Number are so devastating
suvi's commitment to hierarchy and knowledge so clearly shows how a child will internalize grief and trauma as something that can be avoided, if only they can control things and know better
ame's light and sweetness so painfully feels like the kind of grief that you hold onto that tricks you into believing it won't hurt so bad if you just don't look backwards -- for all her commitment to both worlds, to honoring the past and forging the future, ame still walks through the world with more items anyone could conceivably carry so that she never has to leave anything (anyone) behind
and eursulon -- oh, baby, eursulon. eursulon reminds me so clearly of what grief and trauma does to the way someone moves in the world when they know, bone deep, that their own skin and their own fear are the only things they can count on -- that joy is a thing meant to leave and it's not something you can design your life around
I know it's just a podcast -- but I just...have a lot of feelings
#worlds beyond number#brennan lee mulligan#aabria iyengar#lou wilson#erika ishii#suvi “all i've made are hard decisions” kedberiket vs every door#ame#eursulon#do you think eursulon ever sleeps halfway out of windows just to try and capture that summer one more time?#does suvi (for a time) try to learn more about witches because she worries that she won't know how to keep grandmother wren and ame safe?#does she only stop when she realizes that learning more would require making a choice she can't make?#is ame carrying everything with the knowledge that you can't make amends with the world if you have nothing to offer#and she's not quite sure if she's enough to qualify just on her own? if she was enough then why would they leave?#I have a lot of feelings about this show I need to be left alone
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i love private practice. it was simultaneously way more infuriating and way more interesting than greys a lot of the time. BUT lately i’ve been thinking of all the potential there was to keep addison in greys after season three. like, i get it. there really wasn’t a lot for her in seattle. she moved there for derek and the whole reconciliation imploded and then she had two i’ll advised rebound messes. but i think there was SO much they could have done with addison, mark, derek, and meredith all orbiting around each other in the same place in the wreckage of all their messy relationships. like, the post divorce dynamic with all of them was so weird and so good. they totally could have developed that further. and even if in 2007, the network and the writers were massive cowards and never would’ve done meredith/addison, that friendship could have been so fun to watch. plus with all the new characters they ended up bringing in, they could’ve done something really interesting with addison’s romantic prospects.
#greys anatomy#addison montgomery#meredith grey#private practice#mostly i’m just thinking about how part of the reason they did the spin off was bc shonda said there was nothing much left to do#with addison at sgh#which like yeah okay but for the past handful of seasons the show is just recycling and repeating the same storylines they did years ago#so it’s like clearly they aren’t worried about that kind of thing anymore#and we had only had two seasons of addison at that point we had barely tapped into her character#if we could explore her further in LA why couldn’t we explore her further in seattle?????#and while kate walsh is brilliant and more than deserved a starring role in the spin off#there are a lot of questionable character choices they made on PP i don’t think they would have made if she wasn’t the main character
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Lavender Vanilla Cake 🎂 💐
#erin bakes#OK SO! unfortunately the lavender torani syrup is not really a good way to get lavender flavor in the cake#HOWEVER I know that now! and I already have actual food grade lavender extract en route SO! I can revisit this experiment again#HOWEVER HOWEVER! the piping came out OK! the coloring was good! I'm happy I matched the cake & frosting like... perfect#the sugar pearls in the middle of the flowers look cute!#the flowers aren't perfect but I was using docotored store bought frosting so#they were never gonna look GREAT#although the sugar flowes I ordered to decorate with also were a bust. they were supposed to have sugar roses in the pack#but there were NO roses. ZERO. just flat little daisies. I was PISSED. $16 for nothing. so mad I left a review like rrrr 😠#so I just decided to say fuck it! and do the whole thing with drop flowers and practice piping#and using the plating tweezers I got#the cake itself was good! like I said a little disappointing that there wasn't much actual lavender :(#I definitely noticed a difference in the crumb of the cake also cause of the torani syrup#which I was most worried about cause the sugar in the syrup I wasn't sure if it would make it mushy af#but idk it came out cute! so not a total bust!
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Status: -lost about 20% of my hair and got sick from eating too many mini red velvet cupcakes-
#pix habla#why are Saturdays always like this#idk why all my hair almost fell out 😭 the pony tail is slipping off from the lack of hairrrrr#I legit just stared at the chunk of hair that just? what#like I was brushing it this morning and it was fine#certainly nothing to worry about#:v not venting I’m laughing about it this is the weirdest way to end the year#>>; I still have half of the mini red velvet cupcakes left
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very importrant oc diagram
more in depth descriptions of this stuff below ig
omg same trauma - sympathy and respect but also acknowledging youre not the same. propably the most normal out of the three options. you know very intimate stuff about this person but you have never met and its weird. you live your life normally but sometimes you wonder what it would be like to meet him
i will never be as cool - constantly comparing yourself to him to the point a big chunk of your personality still revolves around your connection to him (in ryous case this is mixed with seeing shiro as a sort of idealised perfect father figure despite never having interacted with the guy before)(its really weird and he tries to be secretive abt it but the others knows anyway)(like kiddo they can tell)(youre not subtle at all). he is soooo good and so pure and perfect and you will never live up to that no matter how hard you try. there must be something wrong with you
gender dysphoria - what it says on the tin. you have this guys memories and voice and body and face and it makes you want to scream and cry and kill him and bury his body in the woods so nobody can ever find it
(also to clear things up this diagram and the explanations are written from a point in the timeline before the whole 'stickbug gets mind controlled' thing so the clones havent met shiro yet)(also also obv this is pretty simplified)
#my funky guys#webbys flavor of parasocial relationship w shiro also includes her seeing him as a sorta father but in her case hes a deadbeat dad she hate#she wants nothing to do with him she hates him she was him once she looks far too much like him for her own comfort#logically she knows its not his fault. or hers. but god it hurts. it hurts to see his face everywhere. to be constantly reminded of who she#was supposed to be.#she doesnt want to have a relationship w him or even yell at him or have anything to do w him. she just wants to live her life in peace#i think she often jokes about punching him or wishing he dies already but really all she wants is to be left alone.#she is sure if they ever meet that hed see her as an abomination. and also she doesnt really care if he does? just the consequences of that#its like. she doesnt really care abt what he would think of her as much as she is worried about the effect his existence has on her.#she doesnt care about shiro as a person she cares about him as a threat to her life and personhood.#also shes like 18. still very much figuring stuff out. she gets better but i dont think she ever develops any sort of meaningful relationsh#relationship w him bc she just does not want to! and thats okay!! and shiro respects that!#thinking abt how the clones percieve shiro is so funny bc hes a very relevant public figure and a celebrity#but they have a LOT of very personal knowledge abt him. so the levels of parasocial relationship going on there are INSANE#its like having very weird one sided beef with an influencer and also knowing all of his deepest fears and desires and traumas
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imagine sitting down expecting the other person to do so but he's still standing there. walking around like what are you doing? (mecore)
Next->
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#the ambitions of an eccedentesiast#taoae#dr jekyll and mr hyde#ocs#chapter two#page twenty five#I'm so normal about how normal Lanyon is about plants and botony.#ask him anything about any of them and he'll go on this small list like ramble; wont even notice he's doing it either.#like after he's done he'll realize how much he talked an djust be like “oh...anyway.”#he loves plants so much ::]#dispite being a chemist#wonder why that is... ::)#also I thought it was awkward slash unfair of them to mildly misinterpurate the situation but honestly from Poole's perspective he has-#-a right to worry. its not one hundred percent accurate but that's also how people are you know? he sees it as more of a threat than it may#-be which also kind of shows what kind of person he is or something#:w:#anyway#only one day left of school for me and then I have two months to just do nothing nowhere for a hot minute.
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...
#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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wip wednesday: trying to solve my narrative issues by spending a fuckton of time mapping them out
#purple are scenes. red are themes. blue are… don’t worry about blue it was just for me to track some motifs#a nice way to visualize which scenes are actually worth finishing & which ones might need to get scrapped if i can’t find the juice#procrastination takes many forms!#this is a true wip unlike most of my other wip wednesdays. Peeling back the curtains here.#welcome to my twisted mind#this will not be my only post of the day bc it is a little lackluster lmao#i am afraid to finish writing it because then i will have written it and it will be finished if that makes sense#then i will have said everything i wanted to say about ice & mav and i will have nothing left to say#actually… ive already written all that. what isn’t written is all the connective tissue ‘character moves from A to B’ stuff#boring stuff#I’ve already written everything i wanted to say about ice and mav. that’s a little terrifying.#it’s all in this document.
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web weaving; ares & leda gaunt, part I
#the gaunt siblings are totally fine!! don't even worry about it#ares gaunt#leda gaunt#hp ww1 era#hp ww1 verse#*mine#i'm going insane because she was the most important person in his life but he still left her with their horrible parents but#he was 17 so what was else was he gonna do?#and leda still resents him for leaving but at the same time he's the only person she has#and she knows there was nothing he could've done and she's glad he got out#and then when she thinks hmm maybe we can finally be a real family! ari is like no actually i have this quest that's probably#gonna get me killed#and she's like wtf???unacceptable#but there's actually nothing she can do#i love pain and suffering
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I'm so tired of double vision!! I'm gonna need my neuro-ophthalmologist appointment to hurry up and get here (I say as if there's anything they can do about it 🙄)
Sorry I'm always complaining about this. It's very frustrating, but typing this out makes me feel a little less alone about it hahaha
#also I'm having double vision in my right eye by itself (in addition to the stuff caused by my wonky left eye)#probably nothing to worry about but i saw this thing on Reddit that said someone having the same issue had to get some cornea procedure????#and that they couldn't see much out of that eye for weeks#(it's probably just me needing a new glasses prescription but what if it's that cornea thing? 😱)
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my agoraphobia and my depression are getting so bad and the semester starts in two days i want to die
#i havent left my house since wednesday and i keep saying that i will#but then i realize people will be looking at me and i also just worry that im going to waste my time once i leave the house#and then i'll have a panic attack realizing i've been out in public for so long and for nothing#last semester i was in classes i literally failed a class bc i was too anxious and upset to go anywhere#and then the shame spiral that followed was even worse fuck#and in addition to that im not really finding joy within my special interests anymore i'm just brutally aware of how lonely i am#and now no one actually cares about what i write about
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i’m so sad tonight lol. i wish my family was stable again. i wish my friends weren’t always busy and wanted to spend time together as much as we used to. i wish all the good things i have left didn’t feel so fragile and impermanent. i feel too anxious to trust anything fully. like if i get too comfortable something bad will happen to me
#i just miss the way life used to be and i genuinely hate myself for not appreciating it more#i always got so caught up worrying about silly shit. none of it even mattered#now i have almost nothing left and nothing will ever feel the way it used to#soooo cool 👍🏼 i wasted all my good years being depressed and cooped up in my house because my brain is fucking sick#i just want one more day dude i’d live the most boring day ever over and over again if it meant i could go back to when everything was ok
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...
#chronic blogging#shit chat#well at this point both of my parents (who i inherited my Just Tough It Out streak from) have#upon hearing how bad my post-hysterectomy pain has been#told me 'umm no you need to go see someone.' and 'please just go to urgent care i will pay for it if your insurance won't.' respectively#haunted by the ghost of my right ovary (sharp stabbing pains & debilitating muscle spasms around the incision site)#it's been 1.5 years since surgery and it's getting worse not better#at my 1mo post op i was like 'hey right side hurts a lot worse & the incision seems really wonky & off-center. thoughts?'#they said it was nothing to worry about give it time i might still be feeling pain up to 6mo post op#sooo 8mo post op contact surgeon again 'hey remember that thing i mentioned? yeah still hurts bad enough i struggle to walk sometimes'#she says eeehhh maybe you developed pelvic floor dysfunction or always had it and surgery made it worse. read this book & do some stretches#book stretches & muscle relaxers helped for a bit so i just carried on but it was not improving in fact becoming more persistent#lil over a year post op contact surgeon like 'HEY do not ignore me i am in an amount of pain that is NOT NORMAL and you WILL see me'#drive 1+ hrs for her to poke at me for ~10 minutes ignore most of what i was saying and determine it's just muscle spasms do more stretches#said physical therapy MIGHT help if i did it 2x monthly for at least 6mo. which would've involved commuting over an hour during the workweek#no THANK you i'll just keep doing my stupid stretches. and the thing is.#the stretches ARE helping. i feel my overall balance/flexibility/stamina improving#but that by contrast is making the STABBING PAINS WHERE MY RIGHT OVARY USED TO BE all the more obvious#'oh it's just muscle spasms' well why the FUCK are my muscles spasming around THIS SPOT EXCLUSIVELY for SEVENTEEN MONTHS STRAIGHT#i have essentially no pain on my left side at all. i feel overall just fine & dandy but i am convinced there is something#like. very seriously wrong on the right side causing this#and yeah if my surgeon won't listen to me maybe i will check myself into urgent care and demand an ultrasound#(which btw i asked for during my last visit & she told me it was unnecessary & to fuck off)#but now the two people who instilled me with a very deep mistrust for the medical industry#and from who i learned from via a lifetime of observation how to dissociate from chronic pain in order to function#are telling me 'yeah no this is bad you need a DOCTOR.' umm. i probably need a doctor.#was talking w/ E last night about degrees of pain & like. avg day is like 4-6 on a 0-10 scale. good days 2-3.#i don't consider calling out from work unless it's like an 8 or higher cause i'm just so used to it.#i'm sick of it. so fucking bored with being in constant pain. i want my life & energy back. i want a personality beyond Oh Just Tired back.#i wanna be able to enjoy touch again with immediately hitting overstimulation threshold due to pain.
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technically yes i did leave my old job but you wouldn’t believe it with the way i am still somehow at their beck and call
#shut up j#work chronicles#‘oh they want you to certify for this trial’ ‘ok well im already busy covering their clinic this morning so i cant do that’#‘mmmm yeah but they really really want you to certify’#WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO#i cannot be in two places at once and i most certainly cannot do two ******** activities at the same time#do they want me to see their patients or do they want me to take test images and more importantly WHEN WILL I STOP BEING THEIR BITCH i left#for a reason 😭😭😭😭😭#gonna commit violent crimes before the end of the day don’t worry about it#(violent crimes : sit in this room and sulk but ultimately say nothing because they do in fact have me under their thumb until I leave the#trust entirely. i fear.) ( who gives af about me and what I want though right) (lmao)
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