#i havent had much energy the past few days and actually had some today when i woke up

[hyah-lian]

do u........ do u ever ............... want to finish thing know u need a break but know if u take a break its not gonna get finished?

[thomase1]

Two broken make a whole

Avenger!Loki×Fem!Avenger!Reader

What would happen if you were an assasin with the Avengers? What would happen if Loki became one of earths mightiest heros too? Can you two become friends? Or even more? Will you be able to move on from your past? Will he be able to move on from his?

Marvel AU; all Avangers are alive, Ragnarok happened.

Slow burn, talks of past abuse and trauma, angst, loss, randomness, a lot of humour, missions so fight scnes, later smut; a LOT of smut.

Every chapter will have individual warnings. 18+ chapters will be marked as such.

-The character Medusa from the Marvel Comics is not this one, I forgot about that character.-

Also, this is going to have a lot of things not matching up with the actual movies, just an example: I still use Jarvis as the AI even though Vision exists in my story. (Friday just isnt as iconic, sorryyyy :D)

I can tag you if you want, just tell me in the comments and I will tag you! ♡

First chapter below.

Chapter two.

Chapter three.

Chapter four.

Chapter five.

Chapter six.

Warnings; a bit of cursing, yelling, comedy, bit of Loki thirst, wacky attempt to capture the Avangers characters.

Wordcount: ~3000

Enjoy.

It was a normal day when they arrived. Well, normal for you at least.

You were standing in the common room, half living room, half kitchen. It was early in the day, not long after 1pm, so like any normal adult, you went to make yourself some cereal. This is breakfast for you.

You dont have a mission today, so you obviously slept in.Saying that, you were hopeing for a nice, relaxed day, however your wish was not granted. Your peace is beeing disturbed. Not only with their arrival, but also with a lot of Avangers here to welcome the now additions. Most were at least quiet, but Tony and Steve bickering and bitching like little kids is something else. You also know that with Sam beeing here, you will have to hide your snacks. That guy is always hungry. And Scott can be just as bad, him beeing able to shrink to ant size really makes it difficult to hide stuff from him.

As you reach the cupbord, after climbing onto the counter to reach it, they arrive.

Not quietly of course, no, it was with a loud boom of thunder, almost makeing you fall.

You guessed it, the beloved god of thunger and his infamous brother, the god of mischief, here to join earths mightiest heros. You knew Thor ever since you got here yourself, you are good friends. He could be a bit dull sometimes and very oblivious to, well, about pretty much eveything, but he really is just a giant teddy bear.

You never had the pleasure to meet his brother Loki however. Now, you say pleasure, you havent exactly heard good things. Given that the Avangers are your family and he mind controlled Clint, threw Tony out the highest point of the tower and attacked with an army of freak aliens,... To say you arent that fond of him would be the nicest way of putting it.

There was a whole briefing going on to be prepared for their arrival. Lokis arrival. A few members, such as you, have not been part of the team when he attacked earth, that was the reason for the briefing. So everybody got a list of his abilities and such, something that looks like a wanted poster.

-Lokis powers-

Teleportation, Shapeshifting, forming Energy blasts, casting illusions.

Able to read minds and project his thoughts to others, no physical touch needed.

Skilled in magic (seiðr), skilled in hand-to-hand combat. Genius level intellect.

Heritage: Jotunn.

You have memorized the list of his powers, it worried you. Not only that, no, his whole person worries you, god of mischief and lies, a frost giant. You would be toothless against him. Your weapons would have no effect on him, normal daggers wont pierce his skin. Bullets only leaving bruises. So even your trusted Kunai would fail you. Yes, it worries you.

What also worries you is that his is so damn good looking.

While Thor did assure that "Loki is a changed spirit. He no longer wishes to bring suffering to midgard.", nobody was fully convinced. But you promised Thor to give him a chance; for him. You know he loves his brother, even though they dont really express it too much in the crazy relationship they have.

So now you stand here, in your PJ's, pink fluffy socks and hair up in a very messy bun. So much for first impressions.

The others swarmed around Thor, who was booming with delight to see his friends again, hugging his old pals way too tightly. They look like those anti stress balls with eyes that pop out in his giant arms.

Loki on the other hand stood two steps behind his brother, seeming pretty annoyed by the whole ordeal. It appears he isnt one for big gatherings either.

You get away from the cabinet and lean onto the kitchen island, listening to the things Thor has to say. He ends up talking about new Asgard, which is where they came from right now.

After they successfully stopped Thanos, they went to new Asgard, help build the new kingdom further. Everybody thought Thor would, naturally, become king of new Asgard, with both Odin and Frigga dead. But he renounced his claim to the throne, leaving Valkyrie and Heimdall to be voted as the rulers of new Asgard since Loki was voted out by the people.

"Why dont you take that throne already? Oh blondie...", Tony claps him on the shoulder, shakeing his head. "I do not wish to rule, I only wish to build a peaceful future. Possibly with a family of my own." "Let me guess...", Tonys lips thin in a upside down smile. Several people, in unison, answer for him, "With Jane.". Thor nods solemnly and proceeds to tell the others about going to meet Jane later, seeing if they could be able to reconcile.

Poor guy still loves her.

It is the same old story; any time you two really have a chat, you end up at the talk of how much he misses her. You do feel bad, but youve heard it so many times by now. At some point you lost interest and went back to retreiving your cereal, only to realize somebody put the empty box back into the cupbord.

This really took the cake; your day officially ruined. You snatched the empty box and stormed to your roommates and teammates, doubting it was your roommates Nat and Bruce.

"Ok, which assh-" "LANGUAGE!", Steve heckles. You shoot him a fuming, warning, look and continue, "WHO ate all the cereal and put the empty box back?!", you look through the small crowd of people.

Nobody speaks.

Peter looks terrified, but you know he wouldnt, hes just a little timid. Then you spot it, the slight panic in Tonys eyes. You point at him, "You! I see the panic in your eyes, you did it!", you stride towards him. As you do, your bun loosens and plaps down the side, Tony smirks and reaches for your hair. You snap your head towards him, "Do you want to lose a hand today?" He hurriedly pulls back, "Ok ok I did it. I was hungry ok? I'll buy you some later.". You pout, "So am I! This is my day off and all I wanted was a relaxing day and now I cant even have my breakfast!".

"Its after 1 Y/n.", Nat says matter of factly. "What didnt you understand when I said 'day off' and 'relaxing day'?"

Clint looks at you dead serious, "No thats actually the perfect day off. I'm with you on that one." "You also love hanging out in your jammies and pink fluffy socks with your hair in a bun, stuffing your face with snacks all day?", you ask him in play seriousness. He nods, "Yes of course, normally I do paint my nails and put on a nice face mask too.", he plays along. "I always make myself a nice salad and go shopping.", Scott joins in with a nasal tone.

You three break character at that point and fall into laughter. Nat just shakes her head with a grin. Its a real talent of them, they always lighten the mood.

Your stomach growls, "I'm so hungryyy.", you whine. "Cant you just eat something other than cereal?", Sam asks. You think, "I mean, I do have some leftover food in the fridge and some cooki- Why are you looking at me like that?". Sam's jaw flexed when you mentioned the cookies and Bruce looked away when you said leftovers. "Oh come on! When did you even eat my cookies? I saw you come in, thinking 'oh, Sam is here I need to hide my snacks'.", you pout again, but now you are actually a little sad, feeling betrayed. "When you put your hair up. I'm sorry ok? I didnt know it was your day off and you wanted to relax.", he says a little guilty.

"And I didnt know it was your left over food. I'm really sorry.", Bruce says. Oh man, you cant be mad at Bruce, he probably worked late again and forgot to eat until he almost passed out. It has happened before, Tony found him. Ever since that day Jarvis is able to tell the heart rate and general well beeing of people inside the tower.

You sigh, "Its ok guys, just... ask in the future ok? I just remembered, I should have some waffles- oh god please no...", you see Scotts smile drop and know exactly what that means. "I thought they were Tonys, I'm sorry.", he exclaims. "Hey! I'd be very careful Tumbelina. If I held a grudge, I could, litrally, smash you like a bug.", Tony looks at him through hooded eyes.

You sigh and awkwardly sway on the balls of your feet, "I'M HUNGRYYYYY!". That got everybodys attention, all eyes are now on you and you blush a little.

You arent just hungry, no, you are hangry. A dangerous state for an assasin to be in.

"Ok. Lets just settle this. Pizza on Tony?", Steve looks at Tony. He rolls his eyes but nods. Just as you happily turn away you realize how rude you actually are.

"Oh and-", you walked to Thor, giving him a big hug which he happily returns, "Welcome back thunder.". "Y/n, havent lost your wit I see.", he says with a chuckle as you pull apart. "No, I havent. You got to with these scatterbains.", you chuckle too. You hear several offended noises in the room which only seals your words.

You turn around to Loki who still looks pretty detached, but also so unfairly handsome. "Havent had the fortune of meeting you up to now. Y/n, alias Medusa.", you put out a hand to shake, looking into his eyes.

His eyes remind you of dense treetops; a dense green through which the bright blue sky shimmers. He looks at you for a second before stepping closer, giving your hand a firm squeeze, "Loki, god of mischief. I am certain you have heard only the very best of me.", he smirks.

He smells of leather, mint and winter. Like fresh snow. Devine. You bite your tongue to distract yourself.

"Yes, precisely. Like throwing Tony off the rooftop.", you smirk back. "Alright, thats it! Go order that Pizza before I change my mind!", Tony interrupts with an offended hand at his hip. "Lets order together then.", you suggest, squeezing onto the couch next to Peter. You like the kid, you are only 4 years older than him, so you get along quite well.

After 20 minutes you finally ordered all 11 Pizzas. Took Thor a bit to convice Loki to give it a try, saying 'it tastes like Valhalla in a box'. And you agree with that analogy wholeheartedly.

You took Peter with you to collect them from the lobby and going straight back to the common room. You didnt even have time to announce the feast before Sam and Thor snatched the boxes out of Peters and your arms. Its a mistery how they didnt scatch up your exposed skin. "You guys act like you havent been fed in weeks!" "I have not eaten in five hours! I am practially starving. It takes substance to maintain this physique!", Thor tries to reason. Loki rolls his eyes, one of the first emotions you saw on his face up to now. "So you have a reason for nearly takeing my arm, but that one just stole and ate my cookies!", you point to Sam who is already opening every box to find his Pizza. Hearing you he just shrugs and continues looking.

You sit down again, next to Peter who sat back in the same spot he just left. After a few moments everybody is seated and has their Pizza.

To Thors joy, Loki enjoys the food he was praising to him. Not openly of course, but he couldnt keep the corner of his mouth from twitching up. Everybody knows, no complaint is praise enough.

"So, where will you guys live?", Steve asks to break the silence. Loki just looks at Thor, who swallows audibly at the question, "Well, we would need to look for a place to stay except- You know, if we could take residency in your noble castle Stark.". You stop eating, giving this your undevided attention. "I mean sure, theres enough space. Just dont call the Hammer through the walls; better yet, dont break stuff at all. And behave!", he looks directly to Loki at the last part. He raises his hands in mock surrender, "I wouldnt dare.". "Dont worry Stark, I wont let the goat mistreat your benevolence. Thank you for your kindness to not leave us without shelter.", the blonde god bows with a teethy smile.

Your eyes wander to Loki who is seated on a hassock, jaw clenched at the nickname Thor just called him. Mighty lord above, that jaw- You swear something inside you just ignited. And those thighs, wait. Why the hell are you staring at his thighs? Why must that armour of his be so tight in those places? I bet he purposefully got them made like that. God get a grip woman! You pinch yourself and peel your eyes away from that sinful eye candy which now even lives here. Ugh, thats gonna be a challenge.

"I know, I'm such a self less guy, right?", Tony says, shoving a piece of pizza in his mouth. You scoff at him, and even Bruce raises an eyebrow at him.

Which reminds you of bounderies that have yet to be set. "No takeing my stuff and no going in my room without permission!", you raise a pointer finger, pointing between both of them. "Of course lady Y/n.", Thor assures you, to which you narrow your gaze. As long as there is enough pop tarts your food should be safe from Thor, but Loki?

You will have to see what happens.

That dude can teleport, shapeshift, he could go into your room without you even knowing. The thought makes you tingly, NO! Get your mind out of your panties Y/n! Hell, he could probably even shift to look like Nat! You nearly spirall down the lane of paranoia but you shrug it off. You panicking would only encurage him.

"If there are two more residents now, we really have to start writing down groceries. This cant keep on happeing, or somebody's gonna get shanked." Tony looks at you annoyed, "Just tell Jar what to get. It will show up in the app. As I've told all of you at least ten times.". "Hey! Dont get pissy with me! At least I try to make a homemade meal every now and then, everybody else just orders food! No wonder Fury orders annual fitness exams!", you lay an offende hand on your chest. "Just tell him in the future!", Tony rolls his eyes.

"Fitness exams? Well, that is new.", Thor laughs. "Oh yea, these [you point at Tony, Sam, Scott and Clint] have got cought one night, throwing something which can only be described as a grease feast.", you tell the god who hadnt been here for a few months. The culprets avert their gaze, clint starts whistling and Scott clears his throat. "That sounds revolting and yet I want to be part of a feast like that.", Thor mutters, makeing you face palm yourself and Sam clap his shoulder with a nod. "Well, you will have to do it secretly, Fury is onto all of us. Which reminds me, we have to burn the evidence of this right here or he'll make us do burpees again.", the memory makes you shudder.

"Oh come on, a bit of exercise would be really good for all of us.", Steve says sternly, earning several annoyed grunts. "A bit of exercise?! Have you forgotten what Fury did last time?", Tony says in a higher than usual voice. "It wasnt that bad-", Steve tries to continue but several people cut him off. "NOT THAT BAD?!"

"Thats easy coming from the super soldier!", Nat speaks up. Yes, even she struggled during the Burpee incident. "I had to wear my suit to even go to the bathroom! Do you know how much Pepper mocked me?!", Tony bores his fingers into Caps chest, furious from the reminder of those days.

"Three days I couldnt move! And the following week was hell on earth, every movement hurt! Even the hulk was out of it!", Bruce whines. You swear you heard Loki snicker and whisper "Server you right.". Brucy was in so much pain, the hulk broke out, but even he couldnt move. It was a pathetic sight, the unbeatable hulk starfishing in the hallway, whiped out by some burpees. If Loki knew, he probably wouldnt stop laughing, given his and the hulks history.

"I couldnt lift my arm to press the elevator buttons! I CRAWLED to my room, THATS how bad it was!", you damn near cry at the memory.

"You are all just out of shape!", Steve shakes his head. "Shut up!", Nat throws a magazine at him but he, of course, catches it.

"I'm so glad to not be an official member yet. I think I would have died that day, I'm not even kidding.", Peter says small. "Lucky.", you mumble.

There is a few moments of solemn silence, until Thor says, "So when are we doing the next grease feast?", earning himself a room full of offended glares.

[joysmileyay]

today was really rough. as it always is when its time for school. i walked past someone today. they didnt see me or anything. they were in my anthropology class and we sat next toe ach other sometimes and we texted a little bit and said we should hang out and i tried to make that happen but then we just never did and then class was over and they never texted me again so i never bothered with it. so it really stung walking past them because its just another reminder that ive been in college 2 and a half years now and havent made a single friend. and at some point it was not for lack of effort. like ive tried. its like. i cant be mad or upset with myself because its not my fault is it? and i cant even be upset with that person either because well i recognize that theyre a very busy person and sometimes you just dont have room for another friend in your life. i mean shit just the other day one of a few people i know irl asked to hang out with me. we met up the other week. i decided i wouldnt have the energy to do this again, that i just wasnt really enthusiastic about them and like... i dont smoke weed and she and her friends do sooooo what would i even do. anyway i basically said yeah we arent gonna hang out again bye. and its like who am i to do that when im apparently soooo desperate for friends? i dont know. but the point is like i said if someone doesnt have the time or energy for me i get it. so i cant be mad at them, i cant be mad at myself. who the fuck am i supposed to be mad at about how lonely i am? also i cant stop thinking about how much i hate that im male because in my major seriously like 99% of the people are girls. and outside of that i generally am not interested in being friends with guys. like there are very few guys who i would approach purposefully and pretty much theyd have to be like me. and im not really a guy am i? like they have to be gay or bisexual or nonbinary or something and honestly just being gay usually isnt enough. anyway point is i hate that, outwardly at least, im a guy because i feel like the people i try to at the very least make small talk with or be friends with think im hitting on them. and its not like i fucking blame them. we all know how guys are. but beyond that it just feels like theres this barrier between me and the people who id look for companionship in just because i was born with a dick and it fucking huuuuurts dude. i feel like id have such an easier time connecting with these people if i was a woman. its so alienating and it fucking sucks. i mean deep down i basically am a woman or at least not a guy and they just cant see that. and i dont think transitioning would make that any better especially down here lol that person i was talking about is nonbinary so it hurts even more that we just didnt actually become friends because i felt so close to meeting someone who understands and then it just didnt work out. kinda feel like a caged animal that had a carrot dangled in front of it lolz! thanks for letting me whine

[blueempty]

Oh yeah, its 4:30am alright

Listen kid, there's two ways to live ya life. You either post on your sky blog at 10pm because youre going to bed at 12am, or you post at demon hours because you decided it was your night to experience joy. I decided it was my night to draw

I've had big Fairune brain the past few days because I've been needing to finish the collection and I finally did. I found out there's a new one coming out this year and got excited until i saw it looks more like their games they made after Fairune which does not spark joy. I rememered having seen their game Kamiko on sale forever ago and liking the title screen art and then immediately nope'ing out when I saw what the game looked like. The old artist must've left or taken a dark path at some point because the Fairune 1 and 2 art is really really good, but then for Kamiko, Transiruby, and their slow life RPG thing I cant remember the name of, they switched to this generic early kickstarter era indie pixel art thing where the sprites legs are one pixel wide and they dont have enough frames of animation for how detailed they are and its just not great. Regardless, Kamiko is on sale on switch for $1.99 right now and I had 192 gold coins, so I bought it for 7 cents. I havent played much but uh, I wish that new Fairune was like the old ones lets just say that

I'm beginning to absolutely fucking love the PC88. The games EGG Console put out are all so fucked and jank but they arent unfun to play like bad NES or Genesis games. Silpheed is legitimately good, I'm talking more about Hydlide and Relics. I mention this because what made me play Fairune was that Hydlide wasnt on the switch lol. But I also just watched a video on Xanadu and like man. Like I dont think games should be that anti-player but literally zero games are released today that have that energy. Like imagine if the Marvelous guys were still making games like Chulip and Moon. Where theyre unbelievably charming and deep but they also fucking hate you and if you dont know all the enemies despawn if you kill them 3 times the game becomes incompletable. I guess Dark Souls 2 was like that

Anyways its my partners birthday tomorrow (cuz I havent slept yet tomorrow means friday) and were going to da zoo baybee, during a massive covid surge baybee, with non refundable tickets and N95s in our hands baybeeee. The event were going to starts late tho so I'll be fine on sleep. Lately I've been being a better employee and getting into work earlier, and actually doing my job for 7 hours than leaving and going to bed by 3am at the latest. Thats why most of my posts have been baffling or short, this shit sucks man. No time for Barony hat update. But I'm not working any extra days this weekend so i'm gonna eat all the hats that game has to offer soon

Peace and Long Life

[fukurodaze]

five stars: part 3 | three words

IT’S EMBARRASSING: a third year cheerleader!reader x second year athlete!suna au

wc: 4.1k warnings: swearing

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you hate mornings. 

they feel restless and empty and full of longing to have something worth waking up to. sometimes it’s hard to even get up when your mind is full and your heart is worried.

but you do not hate suna rintarou. in fact, you’ve learnt a few new things about him.

one, he has a little sister.

two, he has a nice laugh.

three, he is only “occasionally lactose intolerant”, but not if he “tries his best”.

the things you already knew - his volleyball position, birthday, grade, home town - were never brushed up on, but somehow made their way to the forefront of your memory the more time you spent with him. you began to see him as simply ‘suna’, instead of ‘the boy you helped with physics last year’.

you wonder how you ended up spending every morning of the last two weeks with him. he seems nonchalant, almost lazy, when you see him around with his teammates: back slouched and face relaxed almost all the time. yet, when you let him walk you to class, he’s talkative. he’s eager. he’s walking slowly so you can keep up.

it’s a bit of a question for you, why he’s suddenly popped up into your life once more after waking you up on an unlucky monday morning. 

(he had told you that you had slept with your eyes wide open, and it took you some time to process everything as your chest fluttered with embarrassment.)

then again, you’re not complaining.

“if you notice over here,” suna leans into your side, pointing at the phone in your hand as the two of you walk through the school, “there’s a little cockroach at the corner of the room going out.”

“oh my god,” you laugh. the video on suna’s phone displays today’s fight between the miya twins at the gym. 

it’s your third week with him.

now, as he lets you hold his phone, the literal embodiment of all the volleyball team’s blackmail material, there comes the familiar urge of yours to steal a few glances, adjust your hair, or maybe do something absurd and see how he’d react.

it’s a strange feeling. stranger than when he walked you to your classroom once and you, in your half-awake genius, slipped him a tube of your lip balm in the open pocket of his bag in case you didn’t have an excuse to see him again.

“what were they fighting about again?”

suna shrugs, “osamu was having a bad day, and atsumu got pissed, so, naturally, osamu got pissed.”

“shit. everyone was crowding around i couldn’t even see them throwing punches,” you mutter.

“anything that the twins do usually gets a crowd, really.”

you pass the phone back to him. “yeah, the twins are crazy popular. especially with the girls. they’re like idols.”

“right,” suna pockets his phone, “you’re popular too.”

your brows are furrowed. “stop it.”

suna playfully tenses his shoulders up, hands shoved in his trouser pockets, “you’re, like, the kind of person that organises the culture festival and is like the secretary for the student council.”

“i actually am.” 

“you probably are.”

you two pause when the sentences come out at the same time, and it takes no time for the two of you to laugh it out, lightly, with snickers and giggles that you’ve never really heard from his mouth. 

“you know, i finally got to watch a movie last night,” you begin, changing the conversation.

he looks at you slowly, sweetly. “oh yeah? what did you watch?”

“uh, totoro...”

he stays silent, and you find his head tilted and his eyebrows raised. he looks amused. you ask him, “what?”

“solid movie.”

there is a questioning look that you give him, and you know he sees it, pupils focused to your side. he speaks again, “you like ghibli movies?”

“yeah. i think everyone does. don’t you?”

suna looks like he’s staring down the sky, thinking. he hums, and then tells you, “i don’t.” 

now he exaggerates his normally poor posture, chin tilting up to get a view of your reaction. the two of you keep walking, in an unusual silence, and you’re left watching his eyes as they stay indifferent.

“didn’t you just say totoro was a ‘solid movie’?”

the boy looks ahead, “yeah, so?”

you click your tongue, eyes narrowing, “whatever. i don’t believe you.”

suna has a satisfied smile on his face. he makes sure you don’t know it.

the two of you enter the building, even taking extra time to go to each others’ lockers. it’s only been two weeks since he had seen you laying on the bleachers, eyes embarrassingly open; two weeks since he had walked you to class the first time; two weeks since he had really started to know you.

when you reach your classroom, suspicious eye contact from classmates and the increasingly busy hallway tell you that it’s time for him to go to class, too. he sneaks in a cynical remark, and you playfully hit him on the shoulder, for the first time.

“i’m betting you and him get together by august.” your friend, honoka, chimes in as you enter the classroom. your neighbouring seat mates agree.

you’re starting to look forward to mornings.

unbeknownst to you, suna has a deadline.

the interhigh is only a week away, and so he’s told himself that he’ll do one thing before completely shutting himself out for volleyball training: asking you out on a date.

in other words, he is fed up with the volleyball team’s rendition of his “showoff mode”. he doesn’t lift his shirt up that much!

his first strategy is the straightforward, nonchalant way. he eagerly waits for you at practice.

“hey,” suna almost chirps, feeling a skip in his step.

“hey.” your squint your eyes at the unexpected energy, “are you- are you up to something?”

suna’s ears turned beet red at your statement. he couldn’t have possibly guessed that you knew what he was about to do.

a smirk crawls onto your lips. “oh, so you are up to something…”

“yeah, right. it’s nothing.”

you slap a hand on his shoulder, “hey, i get it.”

“what?”

“i mean, whatever pranks you and your friends are up to, just try not to get expelled, ‘kay?”

suna’s shoulders relax, but his eyebrows furrow, “wait, wha-”

“the volleyball team’s up to something, no?”

suna nods cautiously, not sure if he should be relieved or sad at the miscommunication.

“anyways, thanks for waiting for me after practice. i have a some paperwork to do for the student council, so you can go on ahead,” you give him a genuine smile. he always likes to see it, but it’s a little less lovely when the thought of a failed asking-out attempt is circling his mind.

“right. bye.” suna dashes off, hand fisted in his pockets. 

he tells himself it’s a work in progress.

“what the fuck am i doing making breakfast so well,” suna mutters under his breath one morning, preparing a cut of fish in the kitchen. he doesn’t even have practice this morning, and yet he’s skimmed through the entire oven manual and has found the joys of cooking fish meat. 

he even takes some of the fish and puts it in a metallic lunch box with rice to bring to school. normally, he would settle for the canteen’s average meat buns. 

“two bentos…?” he breathes. he has an idea.

it’s not long before he’s meeting you at the bus stop. he finds you sending him a small wave and an immediate groan about how your english teacher “is the definition of a nerd-bully equilibrium, what goes on.”

he laughs along with the complaints you have, even joining along with the flow of conversation. sometimes he thinks he changes a little bit when he’s around you, but he doesn’t mind. he likes talking and laughing and enjoying his time with you without worrying about what other people say.

he’ll give you a bento, maybe, he thinks, because he’s seen lots of girls give their boyfriends bentos in the past. maybe it would even give you a nod in the right direction.

right before the school’s building entrance, he stops you and takes you by the arm. it makes your heart skip a beat, but for him, all his heartbeats are centered around the lunchboxes in his bag.

“suna, why-”

your words are cut off when you see the boy eagerly rummaging through his bag, at first with a smile and then with a worried look. his hand is in his bag for a little too long.

there was only one bento.

so he gives you a beat-up ballpoint pen. 

it’s transparent, and from the outside you can see the ink tube only one-eighth full. it looks old.

“um, it’s a good luck charm... for your english test today.” suna keeps his mouth pursed and his look unfazed.

“oh.” you smile at the absurd charm. it seems questionable at first, but you try to convince yourself to trust in it. to trust in suna.

“i know, it’s kind of… beat up, and every-” it’s clear that suna is worried, for what you don’t know, but the way he hangs his head and his other hand fumbles with the strap of his backpack is enough to tell you to accept the surpising gift.

“no, i like it. even if it doesn’t work.” your hand keeps the pen in your fists. 

“it does work, by the way.”

you chuckle, “i’ll return it after class?”

suna shakes his head, “you don’t have to. if you do well you can keep it.”

you nod an okay, and he has a tiny look of satisfaction on his face. he had thought of giving you his lunch and not eating, but he decided against it when he remembered he didn’t bring any money to school that day. temporary success, fuck yeah.

(you get a ninety-two on the test. you keep the pen.)

as a last resort, suna tries through text. at least he’s proud that the two of you have been texting for two weeks straight. he still has you under “y/l/n-senpai (physics)”, and it makes him crack a small smile under his covers from time to time.

from y/l/n-senpai (physics): 2 notifications

suna slides the notification open. it’s always a pleasant surprise.

from y/l/n-senpai (physics): just watched arrietty its a ghibli movie

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): ik hv u watched howl’s moving castle

from y/l/n-senpai (physics): yes ofc

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): well. i havent

suna runs out of words to type. he’s not sure how to phrase it...

still, by the way that you’re typing, it seemed like he hasn’t messed it up. he rolls around to the other side of his bed.

from y/l/n-senpai (physics): then go watch it… (READ)

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): let’s watch together|

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): let’s watch tog|

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): let’s|

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): let’s go on a da|

suna sighs, thumb pressing the delete button like there’s no tomorrow.

except his thumbs are big. and phone keys are small. and his train of thought has jumbled up past usual cognition.

to y/l/n-senpai (physics): lets go, toge (SENT)

suna starts to stare down the volleyball in the corner of his room, wishing it would explode on command, when another ping lights up his phone.

from y/l/n-senpai (physics): 1 notification

he makes the slowest visit to his contacts to change your display name on his phone. he wants to stall.

but he always gives in.

from y/n: whos toge? (READ)

“fuck,” he grunts, burying his head into his pillow.

out of sheer shame and fatigue of asking-out attempts, suna doesn’t see you in the morning that monday nor text you for the rest of the weekend, having left you on read every time you sent a message. he thinks that if he reverted back to the time when the only interactions with you were stray thoughts in his mind, life would go on and this too would pass. 

it’s not like you would care, right? he would tell himself.

but suna seemed to forget that you were on the cheerleading team, and that the cheerleading team shares the gym with the volleyball club on mondays and fridays, not tuesdays and thursdays like he had very cleverly remembered.

“suna!”

you call out to him that afternoon. you have your cheerleader uniform on, having received them just today, and make sure to catch him while he’s on break.

big mistake.

you knew the volleyball team was tall, but you never really expected them to be slightly off-putting, too. it seemed like one call of his name made the entire team, consisting of over twenty boys, turn their heads at you simultaneously. then they looked at suna. then they smiled.

you find in your peripheral vision a wide-eyed kita, glancing back and forth once before going back to the volleyballs and game plans even during his break. 

you put on your sweetest smile, as expected of a cheerleader who’d just recently gotten her summer cheer uniform: v-neck, sleeveless top, pleated skirt, inarizaki lettering plastered across your chest in maroon and white.

he steps in front of you, eyebrow raised, “yeah?”

“can i talk to you about something?” your hands are behind your back, body weight shifting from left to right.

he nods, and as you take him out of the gym, you hear the volleyball team cheer and a certain miya twin shout, “fuckin’ suna!”

“fuck off, atsumu!” suna voices.

outside, your smile falters. you lean against the wall of the gym.

“did i do something wrong?” you say it softly, but firmly. you see his shoulders tense up, just slightly.

“um, no?”

you squint your eyes suspiciously, “but you’ve been ignoring my texts...?”

suna rolls his eyes instinctively. he regrets it when he sees a genuine frown on your face. “dunno,” he says.

your frown persists, and you start to bite on the inside of your mouth. “well, the last thing you texted me was, uh, ‘let’s go toge’. i’m so sorry if i missed something, or if it made you feel bad, so-”

“no, don’t be sorry,” he has his hands on his hips, “i never meant to send that.”

“what do you mean?”

“it was supposed to mean something else,” he looks down, scuffing his shoes against the brick floor.

“oh, was that message not meant for me? and who’s toge? sorry if i’m-”

suna gathers himself. he opens his mouth. he says eight words.

“i meant to ask you, ‘let’s go together’.”

the conversation comes to a halt. his words ring ambiguously in your ear, and it flusters you when the first thing that comes to mind is a date with the boy. you try to shake it off.

“like- like what do you mean?” you feel sorry for having him repeat the phrase twice.

suna shrugs, “i chickened out.”

“dude, you’re not making any sense.”

there’s a sharp pang in suna’s chest, and he visibly grimaces. “did you just call me dude?”

“maybe.”

“ouch.”

“wait, so what do you mean!” your arms flail around a little too dramatically for someone as tired as you.

suna contemplates whether or not to tell you that he wanted to ask you out. by the way you’d just called him dude, he wonders if you’d rather him give you a fist bump and tell you ‘nice toss!’ instead of hold your hand and take you out on a date.

so he counts his stars and he goes for the leap.

“actually, i wanted to ask if you wanted to watch a movie together.”

you back up into the wall at his words. there’s a heat that crawls through your body and beats through your heart.

“is that what let’s go toge meant?”

he nods, shoulders relaxing, arms to his side, “let’s go, together. like- like a date.”

his words take you by surprise. still, you’re nothing but glad.

“yeah,” you lick your lips, “i’ll go. and i take back the ‘dude’”

“oh, really now?” his shoulders relax. 

you roll your eyes.

“so he asked you out, right?” honoka asks during a water break in pe class. you couldn’t say no.

“yeah, i’m going to his flat next wednesday.”

“why not today? friday?”

you pouted, head turning slowly, “stuco meeting. we have our cultural festival late october, remember?”

“ah.” honoka sips on her water bottle, “i won’t be here by then.”

“what date are you leaving again?” you try not to darken your tone, pouting at the idea of losing one of your dear middle school friends to distance. 

“august eighteenth. a month away.”

you begin to slouch on your bench. there are more classmates that come to your bench after hearing honoka telling you her leave date. ‘oh my god!’s and ‘i’m gonna miss you!’s fill the corner of the gym, and soon the whistle blows, signalling the end of your water break.

the rest of the day proceeds as normal, and yet there’s that familiar emptiness that seems to continue to fill up even more of your days.

it’s tiring.

suna’s flat is extremely well put, for some reason. you’d always passed him for a boy who simply didn’t care, but now you see him at his own place, grabbing his laptop from his desk one-handedly.

you’ll admit going to a boy’s place alone is an awkward concept in itself, but it seems like suna doesn’t pay no mind. he’s plugged in his laptop to a charger, set it on the table, and has sat himself down on a floor cushion.

it’s a relief that you don’t know how suna’s heart is almost threatening to beat out of his chest.

“what do you want to watch?” you’re quick to sit down on the floor next to him.

he shrugs, “maybe you can convince me to like ghibli.”

you tsk at his line, yet it eventually brings you an ear to ear smile. you reach over to the laptop, scrolling through netflix. “i guess we could start with howl’s moving castle?”

your head turns to him, and he nods, before standing up all of a sudden. you look at him questioningly, but you find him walking over to his kitchen and returning with two paper bags and two glasses of water. 

your eyes follow him as he rests the items down on the table and scoots back on the floor. he gestures the paper bag towards you, “popcorn. it’s salty, so i don’t know if you’re into that.”

“ah. thanks,” you smile, and he reaches over to the laptop, pressing play. 

you don’t expect the movie to be the first thing on your minds - the both of you knew this. though you and him had spent some time marvelling at the movie, you find that for every other time you dip your hand into your popcorn, a pair of eyes turns to glance at you. 

you two spend your time silently during the movie, however. your eyes have developed a habit of simply tracing suna’s figure with your eyes, and it comes in embarrassingly when he had looked back and found your attention on him instead of the laptop at one point.

you’re surprised, though, because he does seem to be paying attention to the movie, more or less, and you can hear his small hums of amusement and surprise as the movie progresses. you colour yourself proud.

suna doesn’t even touch his food nor his drink, having felt too nervous to do so. he wants to know how you’re doing, silently, but whenever he meets your eyes, he decides that he’d rather fix himself on the movie. he wonders if a date like this means holding your hand or even saying goodbye with a kiss hug.

when the movie ends you ask him why he hasn’t eaten his popcorn, and how you feel kind of bad about it, but he ends up telling you how good the movie actually was.

“i don’t believe that you don’t like ghibli movies.” you squint playfully.

there’s a grin that grows on suna’s resting face, “i never said that i was saying the truth, i just said that i didn’t like them.” 

he stands up, bringing the food and drinks on the table to his kitchen counter, and you follow him over. the realisation hits you then, “oh. oh.”

“in truth i haven’t really watched many of them so i don’t know, but, yeah.”

“it’s funny because i feel slightly played.”

“well, you’re here now, aren’t you?” 

you watch as suna reaches into his refrigerator for some eggs. he glances at you, and you’re sitting on his tiny dining table. 

“do you want an omelette?”

your eyebrows raise. your heart skips a beat at the thought of eating his cooking. you tell him, “sure.”

suna takes the time he’s faced away from you to think about what’s next. he knows that you have some kind of inclination towards him, having agreed to his explicit naming of this hangout a “date”. still, his mind wanders towards the timing: is it too early to properly confess? hasn’t he technically already confessed? the omelette flips and suna thanks the world for having it look like the prettiest one he’s ever made. 

this one’s for you, he thinks.

when you do take the omelette in your mouth, you sigh a little bit. it looks pretty - almost beautiful, in fact - but also seems to be half-half-cooked. 

you don’t care, though, because it still makes your stomach flutter thinking about the fact that he had made this with his own hands. and if it takes some half-half-cooked omelette to eat, then, hell, you’ll eat it.

it’s not all bad, though, since he offers you some rice along with the egg as well, and it eventually turns into a filling meal. you hadn’t had one of those in a while.

when you look over to the other side of the table, you find he’s already finished with your food, and normal chatter makes itself more comfortable in the confines of his small flat. this is how it’s supposed to be, you tell yourself, just meaningless banter and humorous talks.

you find yourself growing to know him even better.

“isn’t it funny, how, some weeks ago, i had only seen you as that ‘one guy i tutored last year’?” you say after the date as he walks you out of his apartment. he tells you he’ll be walking you home, and though you tell him no, you ride the bus, he says he has some extra money in his wallet for the month.

suna agrees, “yeah. i would’ve just carried on with my life.” suna lies through his teeth. he’s been through the volleyball team’s teasing for his obvious crush on you. hell, they’d even dubbed it suna’s “showoff mode” (ginjima calls it ‘beast mode’) whenever you were within a five meter radius of him. 

you tell him time flies fast, and he tells you it walks slowly. for you, getting to know suna rintarou has been something you finally look forward to after all your work. but for suna, getting to know you is something he savours every second of, remembering how he wants to make up for the times he used to pine over your unknowing self.

when the two of you get on the bus, you sit next to him, yawning. he wants to have an arm over your shoulder, or your head on his shoulder, but he doesn’t exactly know how.

“my house is actually a few stops from here.” you say. it’s already nine at night, and though you’ve spent over five hours at his flat, you don’t want to lose your time with him to sleepiness.

suna notices how you try to fight it, even having told him, “don’t worry, i usually sleep at two am everyday anyways. i’m not going to fall asleep.”

he tells you, “you shouldn’t be sleeping at two every night.”

“it is how it is.”

he chuckles, “i once got shouted at for sleeping at five in the morning during a training camp. they forced me not to train at all that day. it was-”

the bus comes to a stop and your head falls on his shoulder. he calls your name softly.

you’re asleep.

suna keeps still as the bus ride continues, remembering the stop you said was yours. he counts them - one, two, three, four, five stops - and with each, his breathing steadies. he feels like the luckiest boy in the world.

“what am i to you now?” suna’s head tilts back, whispered question dissolving into the atmosphere. he doesn’t expect an answer.

instead, your arm circles itself around his.

taglist: @maitenight​ @natszoo​ @ssuna​ @erens-piss-cleaner​ @osamus-onigiri​ @volleybloop​ @etherealiwa​ @agaashesmilktea​ @bicchaan​ @anngelllla​ @tycrackculture​ @sins-over-tragedy​ @tsumuluv​ @daichibrainrot​ @underratedmage​ @sunasexual @kenmei @daydreamingtetsu​ @sunareii​ @bebegi​ (if your url is bolded, it means i couldn’t tag you)

send an ask to be added to the taglist!

as always, thank you to roo @yooroomi for beta reading this series!

[brelione]

Feild Trip with a Rich Bitch (Rafe Cameron x Reader)

Part Two

Mentions of drugs,Rafe being a bitch,swearing and blow torches :)

Also,Goddess Part Three will be up by Friday afternoon.If you would like to be tagged please let me know :)

He had always hated Pogues.Then he met you.

You worked at a car repair shop in The Cut.He had come in on his bike,well,he had walked the broken piece of shit to the shop.You were the only one working that day.He couldnt help but think you looked adorable with your long sleeve yellow shirt under dark blue overalls,a backwards red hat and at least six silver chains draped across your neck.You had been extremely focused,sitting indian style as you smoothed a weird bump on a car with a nail file. “So are you gonna stare at me or are you gonna tell me what youre doing here,pretty boy?”You asked,not taking your attention off the task at hand.He blinked,surprised by your carefree yet assertive tone. “Uhh...somethings wrong with my bike.”He mumbled,attempting to smooth out his hair.You let out a small laugh as you dragged a paint brush along the smooth metal,fixing the messy spot. “No shit.What’d you do to it?”You asked,spreading more paint across the metal.His face turned red as he glanced around the shop.

There were paintings across the walls,multiple tool boxes and a wall of paint swatches.There were six other cars parked,some of them with large dents,holes or scratches. “I drove it into a tree.”He mumbled.You nodded. “Magnificent job,pretty boy.How are you gonna have a bike as expensive as that one then drive it into a tree?”You asked.He just shrugged,hands in his pockets.You put your paintbrush down into a cup of water,pulling out a blowtorch from seemingly nowhere.The flame hovered above the paint,drying and hardening it.Once you were satisfied with the paint job you stood up,brushing off your pants.You still had the blowtorch in your hand,the potential weapon swinging next to your thigh as you walked towards Rafe. “You gotta put the kickstand down,pretty boy.”You reminded him,gesturing to the bike.He nodded. “Right.”He nodded,putting the kickstand down and turning the handlebars so it would lean on the metal rod.One of the tires seemed blown out,a straight hole through the seat and multiple scratches across the metal.He watched as you looked over it.

You pulled at one of your chains. “So are you going to tell me what actually happened?”You asked,crossing your arms over your chest.That caused him to look down at your chest and the bleach stains across the front of your overalls.You snapped your fingers to get his attention back to your eyes.He cleared his throat,looking back up at you. “So how much for the repairs?”He asked.You smirked. “Well...i’d say $150 but you’re an asshole so thats an additional $15 and you’re also ruining my day so that would be another $15.”You twirled one of your chains,looking into his blue eyes.He bit his tongue,glancing between you and his bike. “And whats the fee for you not to tell anyone youre keeping my bike here?”He asked.You ran the tip of your tongue along your teeth with a devil like smile.God,this boy had never been in this kind of situation before.You werent even gonna tell anyone in the first place.You could probably charge him hundreds of dollars for all the things he’s done and he wouldnt be able to do anything about it.You were the best repair woman on the island and anyone else would go straight to his dad.It was 11 in the morning.You had pulled an all nighter for the third time that week and you hadnt eaten yet.Plus,if you sent Rafe to the store he could buy the expensive shit.

 “Theres a store three blocks away.Youre gonna go there and buy everything on the list and youre not gonna question it.”You told him.His eyebrows furrowed as he watched you take a notepad out of your pocket along with a pen,jotting things down.You tore the paper off,folding it and handing it to him.He took it,frowning and confused. “Hurry up.”You told him.He nodded,no words or sounds escaping his lips as he left the garage and made his way down the street.He knew what store you were talking about,the one with the sleeping cat outside.It was awfully quiet as he walked.Most of the time all the exciting things happened at night,not 11 in the morning.Either that or all the pogues were hiding from him,his gelled hair and his ugly ass khakis.He unfolded the piece of paper,reading it.Three large lemons,two large monster energy drinks,a bag of doritos and a pack of gum.It was a strange request but he wasnt supposed to question it.He had kept his head down at the store,grabbing three of the largest lemons he saw,two random monster energy drinks,the doritos and three packs of gum.

He didnt know what kind of gum you liked but you probably had to like one of the three,right?When he got back you were using your blowtorch on a part of the bike you had painted. “Put the bag on the work table and touch nothing.”You spoke loudly,confidently.He found your confidence unbelievably attractive.He never let anyone boss him around like this but ther was just something about you.You held some sort of power over other pogues,he could tell that much by the few boneyard parties he’d gone too.The others were attracted to you,some of them held their breath as you walked by,others just kept their distance.He didnt know where such nice chains had come from.They looked like they had weight,indicating that they were real.He had carefully walked over to your work table,seeing multiple small jars of paint,brushes,metal sheets,files,nails,screws and your cell phone.It was a pretty old model.He set the bag down on an empty spot,watching as a notification came across your phone.Eighteen days sober!Log this milestone.He frowned.Sober from what?

He shook it off,walking back around to where you were with his bike. “I was worried that you’d set my bike on fire or something.”He spoke quietly,trying to make conversation.You glared up at him,eyebrows casting shadows over your irises. “What?Cause im a dirty pogue?”You asked.He shook his head frantically. “Thats not what I meant I-”He began to explain himself but you cut him off. “So because im fixing your bike im different?”You asked.He sighed. “I just meant because of the blowtorch-Im sorry.”He mumbled.You stood up,blowtorch in hand. “Know your place,rich bitch.Your bike will be done by three,save yourself the embarrassment and go home to your mansion.”Your voice was dripping in venom,eyes narrowing.He gulped. “I cant go back home without my bike,my dad will kill me.”He mumbled,looking down at you.You smirked. “Good.”You replied before kneeling down again by the bike,getting back to work. “God,could you stop staring at me?Go sit somewhere or sue a tree or some shit.”You huffed.He almost tripped over his own feet,finding a chair and sitting down.He tapped his food on the ground anxiously. “So um...how long have you been fixing cars?”He asked.

You slammed the blow torch down on the concrete. “Could you shut the fuck up?Please?”You asked.He bit his lip. “I dont like the silence.”He replied. “And I dont like loud noises.”You answered. “What are you sober from?”He asked.You sat there for a moment,eyes locked on the ground.You slowly stood up,walking towards him. “You went on my phone?”You asked.His mouth went dry and he was lost for words. “Rafe.”You snarled.He looked back up at you,beads of sweat collecting at his hairline. “I-the notification-I just saw it and I just-God,im sorry (Y/N).”He sighed,looking away from you.Your hand reached up,gripping his jaw and making him look at you. “Didnt I tell you to shut the fuck up?”You asked.He looked away from you,only looking back when your grip tightened. “Yeah.”He muttered. “And you’re gonna be good and shut that pretty mouth of yours,right?”You asked,squeezing harder on his flesh.He hummed. 

“Good.”You mumbled,taking your hand away and getting back to work.You could feel him staring at you,the way your fingers moved as you grabbed your tools.He understood now.He understood the pogues’ fear and admiration of you.He felt like one of them,caught up in your beauty and the way you carried yourself while simultaneously being slightly afraid of you.You walked past him,grabbing one of the monsters.You grabbed a knife from the table.He watched as you cut open the bottom of the energy drink and shot gunned it,wiping your mouth when you were done.You grabbed a lemon from the bag,cutting an end of it off.You pulled a container of a white powder,opening it and coating the lemon slice in it. “Dont stare at me like that.Its salt,nothing you can snort.”You grumbled,taking the slice out and placing it in your mouth.Your eyes didnt squint and your eyebrows didnt furrow at the taste. “You...you eat lemons in salt?”He asked.You pulled the lemon slice from your teeth,biting the salt coated fruit as it left your mouth. 

“I do.”You replied. “It helps with cravings.”You finished your thought,going to fix the bike seat.Rafe had sat on his phone until one in the afternoon when he heard someone come in. “You havent answered your phone,thought you were dead or something.”A deep voice said.Rafe heard you giggle. “Only on the inside,sunshine.I’m busy with work right now,tell the others ill be around by seven.”He heard the tone of your voice.Friendly,happy and almost excited. “Alright.Did you eat today?”The voice asked. “I had a lemon slice,ive got some doritos so dont worry too much.I’ll see you later.”You had told your friend. “Alright,sounds like a plan.”THe boys voice said before leaving.Rafe watched as you rolled a tire inside,replacing the one he had destroyed.Once you had replaced it you went back to the bag of goodies,cutting open the other monster.You chugged it,sighing as you stared up at the ceiling. “Why do you hate me so much?”Rafe asked suddenly.A smile tugged at your lips.

 “You beat up two of my boys,you come around starting shit and blaming it on us,you think youre just so fucking amazing when youre really just a bitch,you ran over my fucking mailbox,you drink and drive,you gave another one of my boys a fucking concussion and a scar and you wonder why I hate you?”You ranted,fists clenching.He just sat there,hands gripping the arms of the chair. “You just fuck things up.”You sighed.He licked his lips. “You sound like my dad.”He mumbled.You laughed. “Oh dont get me started on your dad.That bitch ruined my life.”You sighed,grabbing another lemon slice.He raised his eyebrows. “What?How?”He asked.You just giggled to yourself. “You really have no idea what your father has done to my family?No idea at all?”You asked.He shook his head.You just laughed again,the sound filling the air.It wasnt like the way you had giggled with your friend.It was empty and sarcastic,hiding anger that was building up inside of you. “You wanna go for a field trip,Rafe Cameron?”You asked.

[mollydollyjournals]

Maybe I need to just like. Scream. Loudly. For a few hours.

My concentration is still so bad I'm barely getting anywhere with this same set of nails. Still. I'm trying to keep working on it but my mind is just not doing it because I feel constantly on edge. This is day 3. One set of nails! Jesus they're not that good. I take a long time to do most things but my mind is really just not functioning.

I'm feeling really particularly isolated again. I have nothing to say that might be of interest to anyone else. I dont really even know how to respond to the small amount of interaction I do get. A friend has started being more talkative in our group chat and sent me a message asking for some info on nail art techniques - maybe I'm being self centred but I feel like it could at least partially be an effort to get me talking. If so I appreciate it. But I still dont really have anything to say beyond quick surface responses.

My mum asked if I'm going to see her this weekend. I wouldn't on Sundays because she has a zoom call with relatives I dont want to talk to. It occurred to me that saturday is tomorrow. Part of me wants to go to hers and drink red wine and just connect with someone. The one person who's almost always had my back, or at least has never seriously intentionally opposed me. I want to go see my dog and my kitten and tell her that actually I'm doing pretty bad, I'll probably be divorced by xmas and sometimes I hear things that arent particularly confusing or distressing but they're definitely not real.

But that's not how it works in our dynamic. She had a serious psychotic episode when I was a teenager, and I took care of it all. My younger brother has ongoing psychosis. It's in our family. If I say I hear things she'll only panic. My doctor knows so it's not a secret - if theres one thing I learned from both of their cases, it's not to stay in denial. But theres no point telling her. And the divorce stuff? She'll internalise it. One of her children is dead, one is an ongoing psychiatric case with not much of a future because he's also actually a pretty terrible person, and the last one is me. She feels bad enough because her "marriage failed," which is a weird phrase her generation seem to use. She told me before not to date other people in case it hurts my "marriage." She'll think it's that, and start spiralling about her history with my dad and the one guy she's dated since they divorced. She won't believe me and hb were fine having other relationships and the issues arent to do with that, and I dont have the energy to talk through her stuff again.

Maybe it's getting to me more than I think. It's not like I didnt know this shitstorm was coming. But now it advances. Like I heard the forecast before, but now I can see it on the horizon. Now I have to really truly consider moving out of the house and splitting up the cats and whatever else. Thinking about it, maybe i should talk to my mum. Itll almost definitely be her I move in with if it all goes through. But then maybe I should only talk about it if I'm sure.

I dont know. I'm jealous of everyone with good parental relationships. I still havent even texted my dad for his birthday. I guess I should do that. I kind of miss when all 4 of us go back to my dad's house for drinks, us and my half brother. But that's not going to happen for a long time yet, for all kinds of reasons. Maybe it never will again. I'm catastrophising I guess. But it's hard not to with the current track record. I just feel like there isnt any evidence of positive things. Really, truly. The best thing that's happened to me recently is I sent the rented carpet cleaner off and then saw that my cat did a big healthy shit in the middle of the carpet. I have to be happy about that because it means hes not losing his guts to diarrhea and vomiting like he was before. But I still have to deal with a hygienic nightmare and probably a stressed cat picking up on my mental state. And I still have to gauge the whole situation based on a literal pile of shit.

I feel like thinking positive is just kidding myself and giving into my genetic tendency towards psychosis. If I'm going to convince myself of something that isnt real in order to make myself feel better, why not lose myself in a fantasy entirely? I should just build an entire world where everything is okay and lock myself away in it. Why stop at just telling myself that this one bad thing or another won't happen.

I try my best to stay grounded in reality to avoid ending up in that kind of mental state. But reality is fucking tiring. I know my life isnt the worst in the world by far, I dont mean that. But we're all going through some extra shit these past couple of years. I struggle not to take that on too. Not that it even helps. We had a mass shooting here today and I'm thinking about the people who thought they were safe because they live in England where firearms are extremely rare, the parents of the child who died, the people living in that area who will feel so unsafe now, and all the pro-gun lobbyists in the US who will use this as a reasoning that gun control doesn't work thus keeping millions of other people at risk as long as those laws dont change. But god. I would be dead many times over if guns were as easy to buy here as they are over there.

And then I think about all the people that have been lost to situations like that. I'm multiracial and have family in multiple different places - I was always raised with the idea that you dont stop caring about people just because they're not in the same country as you. And it's true, you shouldnt. But I've internalised a lot of it as fear and sorrow and idk what else. Just bad feelings. Feeling like the world is such a terrible place, that I cant deal with my own suffering, and that if I can't deal with that then what about the people who have it worse? What can I do??

What can I do for anyone when I cant even paint a single set of nails?

I'm sure of all kinds of bad things happening. I dont want to be. Some of them I couldnt prove, so maybe it's just my mind. Many look likely. I dont know how to deal. I am all the worst parts of each of my parents and this is the result. I wish therapy was more of a thing last century. They should never have had kids. My older brother got off easy by dying. Incidentally I have to somehow gather money for his gravestone soon as nobody else in my family ever offered to help my parents with it in all this time and it's only just been put up now when I said I'd help my mum with it. I never even fucking met him. My life is like a bad tv show. Not an interesting one, not a well written drama or tragedy, just bad.

[dbssh]

🌼pick a random oc surprise me

Write a short drabble from your OCs POV meeting their Love Interest. 

😳😳😳😳 ok i havent written in. a while tm and im very much not happy with this but! ive been obsessively working on it for the past two days so i think its time to just Stop and hit post.

Aja had been hiding out in the woods. It was isolated enough to be safe, but still within walking distance of the nearest town. She’d made it her home for the past few weeks, taking a break from travelling for the moment. Winter was coming soon. There wasn’t any snow on the ground, yet, but there was less and less readily-available food. That wasn’t usually a problem for her, but recently it was. There was a stray dog, a big black mutt with short hair and a long face, that had been sticking around her camp since she’d come here. It was a sad, skinny thing, and she always made sure it had something to eat. But today had been particularly cold, a bitter wind and dark clouds on the horizon, and by the time the sun went down, she had nothing. 

The dog nuzzled into her hip as she stood at the edge of the treeline, looking out at the small town not too far away. She took a deep breath, slung her bag over her shoulder, and started walking. The dog followed. 

She slowed down as they neared a fence, the backside of a house. All the lights were out, as they should be at this hour. She stepped around to the other side of the house and found her prize, two metal garbage cans. She made a shushing motion at the dog, before she quietly removed the lid and started digging.

It didn’t take long to find enough scraps of meat and discarded food for the dog to be satisfied, which she was grateful for. She didn’t want to dig around in garbage any more than she had to, especially when she had no idea when she’d be able to clean herself properly. She sat with the dog while it chewed on the bone from a ham, stroking its matted fur. For a moment it was almost peaceful.

The peace was short-lived, interrupted by a loud clanging as something else disturbed the trash cans, something far less concerned with stealth than Aja had been. She stood and stepped over, looking into the can. It was a raccoon, filthy and hardly more than skin-and-bones.

“Get out of here,” she whispered at it, shooing it away. She felt awful for the poor thing, but with the noise it was making, it was putting them both in danger. “Get your own, we’ve already got this one.” It didn’t seem to understand her, and all it did was dig further into the garbage, making an awful noise as it’s paws clanged against the metal. She was panicking, knowing the noise would wake someone up soon if it hadn’t already, and she grabbed at the raccoon, trying to pull it out as it hissed and screamed, scratching at her hands, the dog barking at it as it did. 

The door to the house slammed open, and an older man walked out, holding a shotgun and murmuring about the god-damned vermin. He stopped in his tracks as soon as he saw her, and she froze as she saw him, dropping the raccoon to the ground. 

“What the hell?” he said. Aja took a moment to consider her options, looking from the old man to the gun in his hands, to the street behind him. While he was still sitting there, dumb-struck, trying to figure out what exactly he was looking at, Aja took a deep breath, and broke into a sprint, pushing past him and into the street. She didn’t know where she was running or where she intended to go, but she couldn’t stay here. 

The old man swore as she bolted, running into the street and firing a few shots. Lucky for her the old man was a lousy shot, and in the dark of the night he missed. The noise roused the other houses on the street, lights clicking on in the windows as people woke. 

She didn’t know what to do. She kept running. 

--- 

Parked in an alleyway was a mint-blue pickup truck, with more than a few dents and scratches along the sides and a crack in the windshield. Sleeping in the driver's seat was Hutch. Or at least, they were sleeping, until gunshots rang out through the night and they jumped awake, scrambling to shove their keys into the ignition. They had no fucking clue what was happening, and they weren’t going to stick around to find out. 

As the headlights blinked to life, they caught a figure. She froze in the bright white light, staring directly at them like a deer crossing the road. She was panicked, and tall, really fucking tall, with wild dark hair and all-black clothes complete with a cape that draped over her shoulders. She looked terrified. 

Within a moment she’d snapped out of it and kept running. Hutch leaned out the window and called out after her, trying to get her to wait, but she didn’t stop. Fuck. 

They started the engine and pulled the stupid truck out of the alley as fast as it would go. 

---

If Aja had panicked when the headlights had turned on, she was fucking terrified when the truck actually started following her. She had no idea what was about to happen, but even she couldn’t outrun a car. So when it pulled in front of her and stopped abruptly, she stopped too, ready to face whatever was about to happen. 

She was speechless when the passenger door popped open, and the driver looked up at her, smiled, and said:

“Need a ride?”

“Pardon?”

“I heard the shots. If they have anything to do with you, you probably wanna get the hell out of this place before they start forming a good-ol’ fashioned angry mob,” they paused, still with a cocky grin on their face. “I have a car, if you haven’t noticed, but we gotta get moving. Do you want in or not?”

She paused, deliberating. She could keep going, alone. She’d survive, and she’d find her own way out, and it would be fine. She didn’t need this person. On the other hand… she hadn’t had a real conversation in years. And here someone was, talking to her like a peer, not even flinching as they looked at her. 

Noise of shouting townsfolk echoed down the street. 

“Last chance,” they said, starting to look worried. “If you aren’t getting out of here, I am.”

She took a deep breath, and got in the car. 

---

They drove until morning, mostly silent. There had been some one-sided conversation at first, Hutch asking questions and Aja giving one-word answers, but they’d stopped trying at some point. The radio droned quietly, some country song on the radio, Hutch tapping their fingers on the wheel and muttering the words. 

In the morning sun, she was able to get a better look at them. They were short, with tanned brown skin and a number of scars across their face and arms. Their hair was blond, pink at the tips, looking as though it had just begun to grow out of a neat cut. Their face seemed to be in an almost-permanent grin, their silver eyes twinkling with a mischievous energy. 

And looking closer at them, it became obvious that they weren’t human, at least not entirely. Their ears were pointed and animal-like, flicking about like a cat. Their fingertips had short black claws, and tucked around their waist was a thin, wiry tail that looked almost like that of a mouse or a lion, with a tuft of fur the same pink-golden colour as their hair at it’s tip.

She must have looked for just a moment too long, because they turned to look at her with another stupid grin, and they winked. 

Her face felt hot as she quickly turned away, staring at the window as they laughed. 

“I’m just messin’ with you, you’re fine,” they said.

“Why did you help me?” she asked, changing the topic. 

“I dunno,” they shrugged. “You just looked like you needed help, is all. Anyone would’ve done it.” Their voice was thick with a southern accent. 

“Nobody else did. Nobody else has ever done what you did.” She paused. “Not for me, anyways.”

“Anyone decent, I should say,” they laughed. “Those people? Not decent. Towns like that never are. Don’t really know how to treat anyone different.” 

“I suppose so. Still. Thank you.” 

“Yeah, ‘course.” 

“If there’s ever anything I can do to repay you…” she trailed off, not really sure how to finish that. They looked her over for a minute, their silver eyes shining. 

“Y’know what? There is something.”

“Oh?” She wasn’t certain, but she didn’t think people usually actually took someone up on an offer like that. 

“Sure!” they laughed. “Just stay with me a little while. It gets lonely out here all by myself. Whenever you’re ready to leave, you can go, I ain’t gonna stop you. Just thought it might be nice for both of us to have some good company for a change.” That… didn’t sound too bad. She wasn’t really sure why, but she trusted them. Besides, even if they did try something, she was fairly sure she could take care of it. And they were right, after all. She was lonely. Incredibly, painfully lonely, in a way she had to force herself not to think about. 

“Okay,” she said, after a pause.

[comphersjost]

sugar daddy ➸ morgan rielly hcs!

listen this is all i’ve been thinking about all day okay i need this in my life i just want a sugar daddy mo in my life please

find my masterlist here

okay so listen

you’re probably like a photographer or something in media for the leafs

running around making sure the boys get places on time

interviews, shoots, the fucking plane, everything

and you’re really young, yk, you’re maybe 20 or so

and accelerating your education seemed like a good idea

but now you’ve got a ton of debt

so you get a job at the starbucks near your shitty apartment

you have to make ends meet right?

and its so exhausting, running around and often working 8 or more hours at each job

but you have to put on a smile for the boys and for the customers and for your bosses at both jobs

but it’s definitely taking its toll because you’re just so tired all the time

but it’s a good thing you work at a coffee shop isnt it?

morgan likes to walk around random parts of the city when he’s stressed

and hes totally been trying to work up the courage for a while to just talk to you and to get to know you fr

he’s just so fucking attracted to this young, smart, funny, and kind photographer that’s somehow responsible for team of actual children

it’s after a game and a tough loss that he comes in

it’s like 1:53 am when he walks into this starbucks on the opposite side of toronto from where his giant ass condo is

and he sees you

no, not like, oh hey you happen to be here at the same time as me,

but he sees you as in you’re coming from the back room, re-tying your apron behind you

and just like that you’re back to running around and doing too many things at once, just like how you are at the arena

somehow even at almost 2 am, your store is pretty busy

so when the next person in line steps up and you make eye contact with him you almost choke

and mo’s eyes widen and he opens and closes his mouth a few times

“hi what can i get you?” you squeak before he can say anything stupid

he def is hesitant giving you his order but does it anyways and is kind of shocked when you ask for his name for the order

you dont make eye contact while you make the drink, making sure to just call out his name when it’s ready and go back to running around

and he’s about to ask to talk to you when you suddenly straighten up and tell your shift “i’m gonna go restock the back” and you’re gone again

you probably avoid morgan for a few days, maybe a couple weeks even, after that

he ends up cornering you in your office when you’re editing pictures or something after practice

“why? why didn’t you tell me?”

you sigh, having expected this conversation since you saw him

“because it’s not relevant to any conversation we’ve had.”

“relevant? of course it’s relevant!” he throws his hands up, “we’re a team, a family, and you shouldn’t have to work 2 jobs!”

“well some of us don’t make millions of dollars a year morgan!” you finally snap at him “some of us have to work 16 hours a day to make ends meet! and even then we’re still barely living paycheck to paycheck!”

he recoils at your words, because he never though about the fact that the leafs organization might not be paying you enough to get you through your debts and bills

“let me help”

you almost choke when he says that

“no. absolutely not. i’m not a child nor am i a charity case okay? i’ve been on my own for a long time.”

he doesnt give up, and continues to press you until you kick him out of your office

after that things with morgan get a little...flirtier you could say

his touch is lingering

he’s making eye contact with you across the room and not looking away

but he’s also very publicly inviting you out with the team, watching your squirm while you have to come up with a lie every time as to why you couldn’t

and not to mention game days

holy shit he comes in wearing his game day suit and maintains eye contact with you the whole time

walk walk fashion baby

it’s only a matter of time before you cave, he thinks

and he’s right

it’s about a month later that you’re at some gala for the team

and thank god the leafs organization payed for your shit because this dress and these heels would’ve used up two entire paychecks

and morgan’s shamelessly flirting with you that night, touching you along your back and your arms and letting his hand rest on your thigh when you’re seated

it isn’t long before he has you bent over the hood of his expensive ass sports car

and for a second you’re worried because holy shit this car is worth more than your fucking life

the thought flies out the window though pretty soon

cause mo is pounding into you from behind yk, pressing you against the cool metal of the sleek black sports car

you’re choking out moans and squeals of his name and when he wraps a hand around your neck you cry out

“daddy!”

and he freezes for a second before going at you even harder

he squeezes your throat

“yeah, honey, gonna come for daddy? huh? gonna let daddy take care of you?”

and you know theres a double meaning behind his words but you just cry out

“yesyesyes, daddy, you take such good care of me, fuuuuck”

and then you’re coming while he rails you into a car that’s worth more than your existence and when he comes he forces you into another orgasm

and with all the work and running around you havent been able to get laid in a long long time

and he’s so good that you just feel so weak and drained afterwards

and then he whispers gently “you’re calling off working tomorrow, you need sleep, and i’m gonna cover everything for you for at least the next two months”

as much as you want to argue, you’ve slept maybe 10 hours in the past 2  weeks and you dont have it in you

and yeah it would be nice to be taken care of for a little bit

mo is so soft and sweet with you when he takes you home

as if he didnt just fuck the life out of you

and when you wake up in his bed, you’re a little disoriented for a second

he’s already awake, facing you with his arm wrapped around your waist

he’s pressing kisses into your neck and shoulder and you jump at the sudden realization of

“fuck! i have to get to work!” and mo pulls you back down and reminds you that everyone has a day off today

which you’d forgotten due to lack of sleep and the fact that you’d lost track of what day it even was anymore

he pulls you into his chest and buries his nose in your hair

“please, just let me take care of you,” he murmurs

you’re about to argue, now having the energy to, when he speaks again

“fuck, you work so fucking hard, and you’re amazing at what you do, and you’re so young, you don’t deserve all of this i’m not asking you to quit either job or move in with me if you dont want to or anything, i’m just asking you to let me help you. i dont want or expect anything in return okay?”

“mo, i-“

“please just think about it okay? i wanna lighten the load a little bit. and make sure you get enough sleep. i just wanna help you.”

it takes you a few days to think it over and get back to him

but you say yes, smiling shyly up at him, thanking him over and over

and he insists that you dont need to thank him

and you also are kind of embarrassed, but you ask him if the offer still stands for you to move in with him.

cause your apartment kinda sucks and the electricity is shitty and the water shuts off sometimes

and you try and promise to pitch in for rent or utilities

but he doesnt even let you breathe in the direction of the bills

which is kind good cause holy shit he lives in a swanky part of town so of course they’re expensive

i feel like he’d try not to push your boundaries, but after that first time you fucked, you just want more

and you initiate things and fuck he wants you so bad

and he tells you that he really really likes you, not just physically

and asks you out on a proper date

but you’re really not there yet, so you definitely sleep in separate rooms

but he pampers you yk

its started off as just covering your basic needs, and then to buying you clothes

and accessories

and a new laptop

and then getting your phone fixed

and then comes the lingerie

and the jewelry

and holy fuck does mo spoil you

he makes good on his promise tho

you keep your job with the leafs and your job as a barista

but being a barista becomes more of an occasional thing yk

because its fun not because you have to pay your student loans

he’s everything you’ve ever wanted

he’s attentive and caring and so fucking good to you

and loves to spoil his girl

and no one on the team is really surprised when he shows up at a bar after a win with his arm wrapped around you

they just chirp him and expose him to you about how he’s liked you forever

you just smile up at him and kiss his cheek

and you’re really glad that he found out your little secret

[no-no-no-ahhhh]

I'm having bad anxiety so I'm just going to answer these questions rn

Okay so when having anxiety I over think and I barely have any friends so I thought if using these questions to keep my mind off things and it kinda works it's also why some are long because I'm trying my best to think about other things then my stress. Maybe some of yall can try this if you want. Could help idk

Questions belong to @tr33-g1rl

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Soda cans

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

I LOVE chocolate bro

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

Cotton candy because let's all be honest bubble gum doesn't even tast good so that just leaves texture and cotton candy dissolves abs you could always have normal gum

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Some would say nice hard working smart and dyslexic but that's what they say not actually think

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

I've never really had the soda bottles but for now Ig soda cans because I feel like it keeps it fresher then the plastic and plastic is bad

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

Umm out of all these ig tomboy my style that I try to go for more rn is kinda like bille eyelash baddie style

7. earbuds or headphones?

Def earbuds cuz headphones if left on too long start hurting and squeezing my head

8. movies or tv shows?

TV shows 100% I cant consum media for long (my anxiety)so cartoons are the best for me because they're usually 11 minutes and light hearted

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Hmm this is good question in my head summer looks so good ahh but I've never really had a sent for it cuz the past few years I've been in my room but I love the sun oh and you know when your about to go in the pool and you can smell the Clorox mixed with the sun block and that smell just smells like a soft nice energy and there is this one tropical sent havent really smelt it in years I remember the one time I got to smell it was in middle school in the girls locker room so ig it was a perfume idk if it was really associated with summer or it was just tropical perfume my mom could spray on anytime of the year

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

Lol none I hated p.e I was also pretty tall at the time so people expected me to play but I just wanted to hide in the corner

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

Well I don't really like breakfast that much I think food in the morning makes me nauseous but I have to eat it cuz I can't eat school lunch food cuz that shit is nasty but breakfast school food is 😉 so I usually get banana bread and good ass duch chocolate milk

12. name of your favorite playlist?

Por Vida is one of my favorite albums if that counts

13. lanyard or key ring?

I hate things being around my neck so key ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

Mexican candy

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

The outsiders

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Your butt relaxing ig and not hunched over idk how some people do their work not hunched over like how do you see what your working on

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

These white Adidas with 3 halo strips and tan boots

18. ideal weather?

To wear you can soak in the sun but not have it burn you right when you go outside and kinda breezy not a fan of the cold and whatever weather that isn't effected by global warming is the best

19. sleeping position?

I always try not to sleep on my back cuz then they say that the demons come for you

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

I have a lot of journals and books to write

21. obsession from childhood?

My little pet shops, barbies, fnaf, teen titans, monster high dolls, beanie babes, never brats or the ever after high dolls cuz I had a fear of big heads as a kid

22. role model?

Em their are not many people to look up to these days but Quenlin Blackwell is even though she struggles with depression and seasonal depression she still is a qween love her

23. strange habits?

24. favorite crystal?

Hmm maybe amethyst one of the only ones I have

25. first song you remember hearing?

No idea

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

Be in the sun

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

Not have the seasonal depression come for me

38. lemonade or tea?

Lemonade bro tea is kinda weak and for BrItish blocks , but today I did have a bunch of lemons and they got me sick cuz I dont have a healthy balanced diet if anybody knows simple healthy recipes that have little to no cooking pls share

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

I've never actually have had lemon pie but I have been thinking about making pie. I've had peacon pie and water burger apple pie and McDonald's apple pie and I think another fast food pie but I can't remember the flavor. I know the other flavor exist because my mom order a different pie flavor from me once and she said we can both try each others. Maybe it was lemon. I think lemon tast is quit forgettable thow idk I always put other things on my lemon and lemonade has all that sugar and speaking of Britain I think they carbonate their lemons . But I think I've only had lemon cake 2 times , so if the cake

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

School is lame and that's on period pooh

41. last person you texted?

Umm this girl I barely know and I'm going to leave it at that cuz this story makes me kinda sad and worried and I'm answering these questions to avoid that

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

Hmm good question , I think jacket because they are bigger and girl Jean's have the pockets different to make the booty look better and sometimes that leads to uncomfortable pockets and front pockets barely exit for girls and jackets sometimes have those secret pockets only you have assess too like the ones on the inside and jacket pockets are bigger

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

1. hoodies are good for when you dont have a bra on and they come with one BIG pocket and you dont need to worry about a shirt

2. Leather jackets are for cool kidz and carry a nice vibe and still thick enough to keep you warm , but you can't really get them wet I think so you can't wash em , but they can come with cool designs on the back but their better fitted on perfectly on a person and if you grow they just look odd on you then you have to buy another and that's not fun

3.Bomber jacket , it's a whole style but one I try to pull of but just cant do it well

4.Cardigans kinda umm not a fan but good if your wearing a dress that's shows your shoulders and you are insecure about that being shown. Remember when somewhere in the 2000s they told us that cardigans where so easy to put on and throw more into your outfit so people bought quit a few. I do

5.I feel like jeans jackets aren't warm enough maybe their more for the summer?

44. favorite scent for soap?

Hmm maybe something tropical or just those cool lavender ones that have oats that's cool I like oats in my soap

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

I hate sci-fi uhhhg and super hero kinda ties in with that so fantasy and when reading fan fic just sweet simple domestic fluff

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

Hmm not sure but the shirt has to be soft. I only experience soft shirts like that few times in my life

47. favorite type of cheese?

Mexican cheese and blue cheese uhg and mozzarella with that crust, yum🤤

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? Errrum maybe a watermelon cuz they are very hydrated. Oh and watermelon with the big black seeds is better then that soul less watermelon

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

None dawg I really need to find one but I do have a lot written down In a book

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

Omg my aunt had some funny looking ass dogs I couldn't stop laughing. One of her dogs hate me tho now

51. current stresses? I dont want to talk about it cuz I dont want to worry but I was crying for more then 6 hours probably 8 when I think about it and then today as well and it's so bad I'm not even going to school

52. favorite font? I like the one kali uchis uses in one of her albums I think it's called fairy tell or something

53. what is the current state of your hands?pretty dry cuz I wash them alot and kinda long nails cuz of genetics

54. what did you learn from your first job?

I havent had a first job

55. favorite fairy tale?

Hmmm something with the tooth fairy

56. favorite tradition?

Idk holidays cuz I get school off

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

Depression and I would say anxiety but no

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

I dont have any talents

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

Uuuuyg idk too stressed to really think that I dont even know what type of video game I would be in

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

nothing stressful maybe something calm like a farm anime, some light magic, pokemon things like that

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

I was never ment to live life like a sim - megan the stallion

62. seven characters you relate to?

Anybody with anxiety, kinda pearl from Steven universe, the nerdy part of dipper from gravity falls , Roman from sander sides if virgil too sense he has anxiety okay and that's all I can think of I think early I said I dont really watch media or stuff so yeah

63. five songs that would play in your club?

Gosolina kali uchis songs and bank account that's all I can think about rn

64. favorite website from your childhood?64. favorite website from your childhood?

Y8 brooo oh and there was Disney or Nickelodeon websites you know that show with the hands and they had the googly eyes they had a g as new for that loved it and for Disney they had zack and cody games on their website and it's not a website but the one thing on windows that would work without wifi you know and you could make cakes and give them faces and try matching the cards

65. any permanent scars?

One time a cat scratched me more the like 8 years ago and I can still faintly see the mark

66. favorite flower(s)?

The one that grows on the cactus

67. good luck charms?

I know a rabbits foot is one and 4 leaf clovers,and markipliers flannel. I sadly dont have any personal good luck charms

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

I don't want to talk about bad foods rn cut the cameras

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

idk I think I can vaguely remember every facts orgin that I know

70. left or right handed?

Basic right handed but my dad used to be left but then the school forced him to be right

71. least favorite pattern?

Anything 80s uhg that shit is disgusting and terrifying

72. worst subject?

Chemistry but I just got out of that so that's fun

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

People day hot cheetos and sour cream is odd but I like it . I would wat some rn but I think I got sick cuz of my poor diet so I'm not. Someone pls suggested simple easy foods for your girl who can cook

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

1 I am big baby

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

I dont know

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

Tater tots are good and fries

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

Idk no green thumb

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

Idk ig coffee

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

Jewel tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

Theirs a difference?

82. pc or console?

Console it's just simpler

83. writing or drawing?

Uhhheg ig drawing I'm bad at grammar

84. podcasts or talk radio?

Podcast, podcast are just more plans out then talk radio and talk radio is a morning thing and I'm not the biggest fan of mornings

85. fairy tales or mythology?

Fairy tales mythology kinda ruff ya know

86. cookies or cupcakes?

Cookies their just more sturdy and their is always normal cake

87. your greatest fear?

Tooo many things and I'm having an anxiety attack right now so like no

88. your greatest wish?

Well it's cute and all idk to live peacefully is one part the other parts a secret for now

X.o.x.o gossip girl ya know ya love me

89. who would you put before everyone else?

Umm maybe myself Idk

90. luckiest mistake?

One time my mom ordered a foam sord for my brother and a real one came. It was some anime sword

91. boxes or bags?

Bags cuz they look cute and you can take em every where with you. Disposable I would have to say boxes tho because its less damaging to the environment

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

Sunlight is so warm and it fills something inside of me makes me feel cozy

Lamps are great for when sleeping and your scared of the dark

Fairy lights are cute but are they neccessary

Overhead lights are good for when you just need light in your life

Am I the only one who gets sad and sometimes cant clean if it's dark in the house?

94. favorite season?

Summer I think. I know it's harder for me to function in the winter cuz depression but then summer is anxiety sometimes ya know

95. favorite app on your phone?

Littetly no idea I don't really love/like the things on my phone if their more distractions or time wasters but I do love how I can search up useful things on YouTube to try to calm down my anxiety and I was definitely not a fan of tumblr at all but I kind have made it my safe place a bit

96. desktop background?

Well the computers my dad's so it has deadpool on i

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

Barely 2 ,I am kinda a dummy sorry unggv

98. favorite historical era?

Well idk heehaww cowboys?

[analyticseer]

“Read my future, give me all that future juice human troll Nostradamus”

(( @waspmaninc ))

Psiioniic:

> Time: unknown

> Day: Huh?

>  Command: Oh my god how long have you been in here.

Your name is [PSIIONIIC], or at least that's what you like to be called. Other types or naming are not on your suit. Regardless of this detour you seem to have found yourself out of your room for the first time in the last 3 days. How this was done makes no sense to anyone but you. You rush to the kitchen trying to get some damn sustenance, still on shorts and simple shirt. You might be a 200+ year old troll but you will be dammed if you are ever gonna dress like one. Now where is the milk. You enter the kitchen to scavenge for food.

Rose Lalonde: When he enters kitchen, someone else was sitting at the table quietly and looking at cards on it upright, thinking something. You [Rose Lalonde] had came to kitchen to drink some tea a few minutes earlier and brought your tarot deck along. However, your attention shifts from cards to new face you haven't seen yet. You look at Psiionic for a moment before smiling a little amused. "Seems like fate did bring something new today for me to face up. Literally."

Psiioniic: "Oh hey!" You are quick to say hello, no shame that she is gonna see you have cereal at ???? PM or AM huh.  Whatever. You serve your cereal and milk with your psionics while you speak. "Name is Psii, haven't seen your face before, are you news or came from a trip new?" You joke but its more common that one thinks. He is on that boat. Not that anyone needs to know that.

Rose Lalonde: You follow how he is using these telekinetic powers while also speaking. It's really amazing how some are able to actually use this kind of powers and are even born with these skills. "Nice to meet you Psii. I'm Rose and it's been only a short time since I returned from my business trip back to here" you tell him, while collecting cards from table back to deck to began shuffling it again. "You don't sound like a new member, but I haven't met you while I have been here. Have you also been on trip or doing something in the shadows?"

Psiioniic: "Long story short I was here a long time ago, then I left and then I came back but it wasn't no business trip. But lets leave it at that, Nice to meet you Rose." Cereal served, you bring the spoon with a small psionic burst and grab it mid air with your hand just so you can start eating. You look at the cards, you might have seen some of it in earth. Might. Big Might. Squint. Or not. You don't remember, your memory is awful. "What are those?" Nom nom nom. You sure love hyper illegal cereal boxes. Lucky charms weren't invented in the 20s. You go to her table and basically sit across of her, curiosity first. Those are pretty pictures.

Rose Lalonde: Ah, it's been a while since someone has asked that question. That makes you smile gently. "Tarot cards. With these people can foresee the future or seek answers for questions on mind. These are quite common at Earth but not that popular or know among the masses." Splitting a deck for four different sets and then shuffling them again to mix them really good, you watch Psii's eyes a little mysteriously. "I could use some practise so... Wanna try?~"

Psiioniic: You think for a bit, hand on your face, have you seen this? Yes, maybe but not up and close. You have never been one close to the mythical. "Sure." you reply happily, tone of voice picks up at the end of the word. And you continue to eat your cereal. "Read my future, give me all that future juice human troll Nostradamus"

Rose Lalonde: Okay, that actually made you chuckle a little more amused than you had expected from yourself. You make a mental note to ask later some things from Psii, but now you are focusing to your mission. "Very well then. I shall see what your future holds." With that you smoothly shuffle few more times your deck, before spreading cards very neatly on table. "To make sure this works, you need to choose three cards. One for the past, one for current time and then the future" you explain and hold your relaxed open hand towards the cards.

Psiioniic: That's where you smile big. "Do I?" You leave the bowl of cereal to the side and focus on the cards and then cover your eyes with one. "Lets go blind into the future." And that's how you pick three in order.

Rose Lalonde: One by one cards are chosen and you smile calmly while also guiding Psii how to set those cards on table right way. With that, they are ready go. "Excelent work. Now, let's begin with your past." The first card seems to be upright and after you flip it over, it's revealed to be a small carapacian in dark room with light source, surrounded by many cans. Your facial expression is now entirely focused on cards and smile gone, when you lightly touch your chin with your free hand's fingers. "Interesting choice of cards..."

Psiioniic: "Good or bad"you laugh a little bit but you are a tad worried. Looking at the card doesnt make it any easier. Hmmm. You are already hesitating. Your past is a mess you know that.

Rose Lalonde: You look a few more seconds this card, until you start speaking with no rush and articulate very clearly. "It depends, but on this case it tells me a tale about a man, who had inventor's spark and seeked for acceptance from his community. He believed for hard work and improvement. It is a window to the past where he had a lot hard time to be accepted and seen as an equal, maybe even an important part of his own community."

Psiioniic: "Old man consequences..." That is him. No doubt. If there is anyone to define your past... Its him. Oh Signless. Except a tad of you when you first  landed with the Crew. "Neato bonito. " CRONCH You are back to eat cereal. "Whats next?"

Rose Lalonde: "As you wish. Let's move on to your current situation" and with this you leave the card on it's place and hover your hand a little moment on the middle card which seems to be reversed. You wonder what card it might be. Well, only one way to find out the answer so you flip it over gently. This card also has two carapaces but there's also third person, who seems to be some other kind of alien with white and green clothes, standing between two black carapaces. You raise your gaze and watch Psii with thoughtful eyes. "Hmm... This card brings me a question. Is your work going alright currently?"

Psiioniic: You really don't like to think about your past and you are relieved when it moves into another topic. However that question makes you stop mid biting, which produces a very hard swallow. OUCH.  You are fine, you're fine. You take a second. "My work? hah, WELL I mean, a bit, my work for this organization hasn't started I'm still building the thing, I talked to Sollux and Deuce is all smooth I think. I havent gotten into a fight with nobody since Baron, haha." fuck Baron.

Rose Lalonde: Mental note, if Psii is trying to hide his nervousness he's having a hard time doing so. Also you maybe need to remember name Baron. It might be something to pop out in the future so just in case you also mentally note this detail. "It's okay. It takes time to adjust back, but this card is about facing up challenges, especially something that fits best to the one who picks up this specific card. It means you have already taken actions to proceed and you are in a good pace to accomplish your mission" you explain and for a moment you let your gaze slide back to this card from Psii's eyes. "Because it's upright, you have nothing to worry about too much right now, but if this had been reversed, it would been a sign of being stuck and having ideas or ambitious that just wouldn't work or spark your inner light to work things out."

Psiioniic: You don't look away. You aren't afraid of a bit of scrutiny. Your black and white eyes, almost pupiless meet hers. She is so young and so old. And yet, even then, way younger than you. You mentally decide that this means good fortune for your computer and your overseer set up. The computer you are working on right now and maybe even the faster internet servers for the Crew down the line. You look a little happier. "That's some spicy meatballs that you got. Now that I think about it, I should get some of that." Then you break attention to look at the cards. NOM NOM NOM. NOM.  sLuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUURp. And no more cereal. "And the future, is it void?" Another joke. To cover up a serious question.

Rose Lalonde: Gentle smile cames back to your face when Psiioniic is looking at you. There's something in his eyes that tell you about something deep and meaningful, but something that is also hidden in his very charming way to cover perhaps some negative feelings. Was it his way to cover something up or be genuine, his cheerful words and jokes are the reason you can't let down your small smirk. "Well, the future is full of mysteries and possibilities. Let's see what this card can tell us about yours." Without waiting that much longer, you flip the last upright card and smile a little bit more, when you see a gentle looking spirit having it's limbs covering protectively this human in peaceful looking natural environment.

Psiioniic: "Oh that's some morail shit right there." You're genuine, but to pick everything up about you, you need to get pass 22 emotional proxis. Regardless of that you tilt your head a little. And  float the spoon and bowl over to the  sink, you are washing that later.  There is extra sparks that fly around, the do nothing, but it seems like an extra bit of loose energy. "What does this one mean, friendship? Family? Good things right?"

Rose Lalonde: If you could have some magical light sparkles fly around your shop you would pay for that good money. ... Okay, maybe not because you can't just throw your money at anything, but the thought about it is very nice and aesthetic for sure. Anyway, this card is indeed a good card and you raise this card from table, holding it a little closer for you to see it. "You are on a right path. This card is indeed a very positively reserved and means your future is looking bright. You have found a place that will offer you stability and time to clear your thoughts. There will be people who help you and you will get advices when you need them, if you remember to keep your heart open for world." Raising your eyes you look at Psiionic with encouraging smile.

Psiioniic: "Nice! Pretty neat that, guess I did get lucky." Ahaha, good things come to those who try. Fortune favors the bold. "This was pretty cool, We should do this more often, or not, I have no idea how much does this work" At all. Its almost a card game to you.

Rose Lalonde: You chuckle playfully when you start collecting cards again back together. "I get a feeling that you are very smart Psii. I believe you already know the answer to your thoughts without hearing me" you say in calm but confident manner while still smiling, like a innocent human child with nothing to hide. "But if you want, we can do this again and chat some more. In the end we are in same hideout so our paths will cross again sooner or later."

Psiioniic: Heh heh heh. Clever. You can appreciate that. "When it comes it will come." You get up. "It will be more usual, I'm normally so hidey, but work is work." you streeeeeeech your arms and legs. "I'll be seeing you around Rose!" And you rush out back to your room. She was nice.

Rose Lalonde: With this unexpected encounter, you watch how Psii leaves kitchen, waving your hand a little bit for him. Seems like the crew has some interesting new people to meet and greet. ... Oh, your tea is cold now.  You entirely forgot you had a warm cup of tea and now it's not going to warm up you anymore. Oh well, that's not new thing to happen for you. Just a new cup of tea and you can continue playing with your pretty tarot cards in a peaceful kitchen alone.

- - - End - - -

[gotfuckingseven]

A New Place to Call Home

Hybrid AU

Namjoon x Reader

Masterlist

You were sleeping so peacefully, when someone nudged your shoulder, startling you awake and away from them on instinct, until you realized it was just Youngjae, who worked at the shelter you lived at.

“Y/n, you have a visitor. He’s asked for someone like you. Would you like to meet him?” His voice was soothing as you nodded your head, hopefully about to meet your newest owner. See, the shelter you were at, was designed for hybrids, like yourself, who had previously been in a bad home. The workers made sure that those who adopted from them wouldn’t mistreat the hybrids.

Youngjae left you alone for a minute, so you could change and prepare yourself for the new person. As a bunny hybrid, you were naturally shy, but even more so after your last owner abused you, physically and mentally. Stepping out of your room, you walked to the cafeteria, where you would meet the guy Youngjae talked about.

Before you saw them however, Jinyoung and Jaebum, the only two cat hybrids of the shelter, stopped you. They stood in front of you.

“So. Youngjae told us he has potentially found you a new owner. Are you gonna be okay? Or do you want us there with you for moral support?” Jaebum asked, making you smile at his over protectiveness.

“No, I think I’ll be fine. If I need anything, I’ll just come running to you two after Youngjae. That’s if something bad happens. But, I’ve gotta go.” You gave them each a quick hug and kiss on the cheek, before they left to the other side of the room.

Youngjae was talking to another guy, presumably the one who wanted to meet you. He was tall, and when he smiled there were dimples, which were cute.

“Ah! Y/n, come here sweetheart.” Youngjae caught sight of you, before ushering you over to him. “Y/n, this is Namjoon. He’s looking to adopt right now. Namjoon, this is Y/n. She tends to get shy with new people.” You had clung to Youngjae while he talked, still hesitant about him. “Oh, and please be careful what you say. And try to not raise your voice if something is wrong. She’s dealt with enough of that for an entire lifetime.”

“Go on.” Youngjae urged you forward and away from him, as he took leave of you two, giving you privacy.

“H-hi.” You gave him a small, shy smile, one which he returned.

“Hi there.” My god, those dimples would be the death of you. The two of you made small talk, you learning all about him as you gave him simple answers. You learned he was a lawyer, and that he went to work at 8 am, and came around 6:30 and 7 pm. He didn’t work weekends, unless it was a big case. He preferred to stay in most nights, and was really clumsy. “I think that’s the most I’ve talked about myself in a very long time.” He says with a laugh, before his face turns serious. “So, how would you like to come and stay with me? A permanent new home? You can come home with e today even, if you’d like.” He was so hopeful, and he seemed pretty nice after all.

You nod your head while saying, “Yes.” A smile spread across your face, once you realized you agreed to a new place to call home. One that would actually be a loving and caring home. He nearly picked you up to spin you around, but decided better of it, before bringing his hands to his mouth, and grinning even harder if that were possible.

He went over to Youngjae, you following behind him, as he told him he wanted to go ahead and sign the adoption papers and to take you home today.

“Awesome. If you’ll just sign right here, I will show you to her room, so she can get her things, and then you are free to take her home.” He was smiley as always, making you feel better about leaving the shelter.

“Namjoon, I could still come back here, right? To see Youngjae and the others?” You really hoped he said yes, you would miss never being able to talk to Youngjae, Jinyoung, or Jaebum again. They became your best friends while you’ve been here.

“Of course we can. What kind of person would I be if I didn’t let you come back to see your friends?” He smiled at you as the two of you followed Youngjae, before lightly ruffling your hair, fingertips grazing your ear, making you shiver.

“Ah, here we are.” Youngjae stopped in front of your room, and you walked in, grabbed the few clothes you had, and gave them to Namjoon.

“Here. This is all I really have here. Oh, and this.” You grabbed your two journals and pens/pencils. But you kept a hold of them. You didn’t want anyone else seeing what you’ve drawn. Clutching them close to your chest, Namjoon held your hand as Youngjae led you and Namjoon outside.

“Well Y/n, I guess this is good-bye. You’ll always have a place here, should you ever need to come back. I’ll miss you short-stack.” He had a sad smile on his face as he ruffled your hair, before lightly rubbing the base of your ears. Your eyes closed as you leaned into his touch. He was the one person, apart from Jinyoung or Jaebum, that you would let touch your ears, as they were very sensitive.

Your eyes opened when he stopped, and you had missed the face of longing Namjoon had, which disappeared the moment your eyes opened.

“Well, let’s head on home. Gotta get you some clothes later today, that way we can relax the rest of the weekend. See ya later, Youngjae.” Though you were saddened as you watched the shelter disappear from your sight, you were excited at the thought of a new home. Namjoon was very gentle as he led the way home, but also letting you look and sniff around at all the new sights. As you turned one last corner, he stopped in front of a very nice building. It was apartments, but they were obviously nice. He put a code in on the keypad, and then there was the audible sound of the door unlocking. He opened the door, and then went to an elevator, quickly pressing the button. Stepping in, you glanced down, and realized he hadn’t stopped holding your hand the entire way there. You grinned to yourself, as movement stopped, the doors opened, revealing a short hallway, where he used his key to open the door to the apartment.

It was beautiful inside. To the left was a kitchen, and straight ahead was a living room. A couch on the wall and one in front of the T.V. that was on the wall. On each side of the T.V., were windows, each with a window seat.

“C'mon. I’ll show you the rest of the place.” He smiled almost shyly as he spoke, before moving down the hallway. Your room was across from his, with a full-size bed, a desk, and another window. Then there was the closet and dresser along the same wall, across from the bed. His was set up similarly, but he didn’t have a window. Then he had a guest room, and the bathroom across from said room. At the end of the hallway was a washer and dryer.

“This is so pretty. Thank you so much.” You turned and gave him a hug, nuzzling your face up into his neck. When you pulled away, his cheeks were bright red.

“It’s nothing much, really.” He mumbled. “So,” he cleared his throat, “would you like to go shop for some clothes now?”

“Sure. But can it wait a bit? I’m a little hungry. I haven’t had lunch yet.” After a delicious lunch, with him tripping and nearly dropping it as well, the two of you went to different stores and bought you some new clothes. All the pants had a hole for your tail, as well as the hats for your ears. By the time you got home, it was time for dinner, and you were flat-out exhausted. Sitting on the couch, you slightly curled up, creating warmth as you waited for Namjoon.

As he called out, he didn’t get a response from you, so he was shocked to find you curled up and asleep on the couch. Smiling softly, he went to you, before picking you up, laughing to himself as you nuzzled into him, before he took you to your room and tucking you in. Taking his phone out, he took a quick picture of you laying there all snuggled up to a pillow, before halfway closing the door and going to bed himself.  

Over the course of the next few months, Namjoon had been nothing but kind and caring to you. Always making sure you were okay, and during this time, you were finally comfortable enough with him, that he was shocked the day you brought his hand up to your ears, a silent offer to pet them. Since then, he had taken a lot of opportunities to rub your ears, knowing now that it would help you sleep at night. Along with being cuddled by him. Everything was wonderful. Until this one day…

“Joonie! You’re back!!” You ran up to him, capturing him in a hug. He hadn’t been home much the past few weeks, as he had a very important case to work on. He was gone early in the mornings and gone until late at night.

“Y/n.” He gave you a tight lipped smile, making you tilt your head in confusion.

“Joonie? What’s wrong? Please tell me I didn’t do anything to make you angry with me and that’s the cause for your not being home.” You knew he had to work, but your insecurities came tumbling out, as you let out a squeak, realizing what you just said.

“Y/n, just stop for once, ok? I feel like I’m suffocating with how you’ve been hovering over me. I get it. You’re worried and all. But do you think you could tone it down a bit?”

Lowering your head, you mumbled out, “Ok. Good night Namjoon.” You kept your head low as you walked back to your room. You didn’t have the energy to slam it shut like you wanted to, but you did lock it.

You grabbed your little journal, and made an entry for the night.

*I waited up for Joonie. He hasn’t been home early lately. But I hover over him and suffocate him. Or so he says tonight. So, I guess I’ll stop with waiting up for him. And sleeping with him. Unless he explicitly asks, I just won’t do anything to ‘suffocate’ him. Well, I guess that’s all for now.*

After closing your journal, you climb into bed, hugging your oversized teddy bear close, drifting off to sleep.

—————————————————————

For the next week or so, you stopped randomly cuddling with Namjoon on the couch, instead opting to curl in on yourself with your head resting on the arm rest. You wouldn’t greet him at the door, and you’d begun to hide away in your room. He didn’t particularly seem to care about any of that, so you did it more often than not.

—————————————————-

Namjoon had finally finished the long case he’d been working on for weeks now, and felt a huge weight lift off his shoulders. He couldn’t wait to get home to you and snuggle. He sighed just from imagining it. As he stepped foot into the apartment, he noticed it didn’t seem lively like normal.

“Hey, Bunbun, I’m home!” He called out, hoping to entice you to come running to him like normal. He was met with silence, and that’s when he began to worry. You would always come meet him. He made his way through the apartment, checking each room til he came to yours. There you were, lying there, fast asleep, with Jimin next to you. Jimin was a cat-hybrid that lived across the hallway. Jimin had sat up when he walked in, and when he tried getting closer, he actually hissed at him!

“What’s up with you? I’ve never heard you hiss before.”

“Well I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t make her cry.”

“Woah woah, when did I make her cry? And why?” He was beyond confused, but saddened at the thought of you crying because of him!

“You apparently told her to, and I quote, ‘Tone down the hovering. It feels as though I’m suffocating.’ That is what you told my sweet little bunny. Have you been so busy, that you don’t have time for her? That you don’t even remember what you say to her? You know how sensitive she is. Anything you say, will affect her. Now leave, she needs to sleep right now. She spent the last hour crying to me after I came over when she called me.” Jimin huffed, and cuddled back up to you, making you nuzzle your nose into him, your small little tail wiggling in your sleep. He left the room, shutting the door behind him, and went to sit on the couch, contemplating how this came to be.

——————————————————-

“Hey little bunny. Wake up.” Jimin’s soft voice woke you from a very peaceful nap. Still half-asleep, you clung onto him, mumbling a 'five more minutes’, making him giggle cutely. “No my little bunny. You need to get up. One because I have to go back to my home for dinner, but two because you’ve got a visitor. And he really wants to talk to you. Also, you can literally smell how bad he feels. You should go talk to him.”

“Ugh, alright. But if I really want you to, can you come back over after dinner? If I really wanted you over here for the night?” You stared while pouting lightly, giving him your best puppy dog eyes.

“Fine, yes. But only if you don’t like what he says after all this.” He groaned, with you pumping your fist upwards in victory.

“Yes! But okay. You go on out, tell him I’ll be out shortly, ok?” You gave him one last, long hug, before he disappeared through your open doorway.

————————————————————

“She’ll be down shortly. Don’t go in there. Let her come to you. Also, I might come back over if she really wants me to. I just have to tell Hobi and Yoongi.” His owners were pretty easy going, as they were close friends with Namjoon, so it wouldn’t be a big deal for him to come and spend the night. Used to happen all the time until you got comfortable around him.

Ugh, why did he have to be such an idiot and say those things. If only-

“Hey.” You had finally come out after some contemplation.

“Bunbun, hey. I need to apologize to you.” He grabbed your hand, guiding you to sit down beside him.

“Listen. I am so sorry to you Bunbun. I had been so stressed out, work was hectic. And I know that’s no excuse for what I said to you. But it started a chain reaction. I wanted to work as much as possible to get out from under all of it, to try and do it fast. Since I brought my work home with me, I never really had a break. I am so sorry for how I treated you. Will you ever forgive me?” He pleaded, and you stared at him.

“Okay.” You finally muttered after some time. His face lit up it was almost blinding.

“Okay? So all is forgiven?”

“Yes.” All it took was that one word confirmation for him to hug you, one hand resting at the back of your head, the other on your back. You felt him hold back on rubbing your ears, and you grabbed his hand and brought it to your ear, a silent offering he happily took. You were then practically purring, content to finally have things back to normal. Or, as normal as it could be with the both of you.

[lincoonsjourney]

Teeth

So, one of my physical issues at the moment is my teeth. i have quite a few that at this point need to be out and are generally infected.

BUT! i had two taken out yesterday, the two that had been cuasing me the most pain lately. this also basically means i didnt study yesterday and i havent yet today.

It wasnt exactly planned- we thought that appointment would be to detirmine if it would be possible.for that place to do the extractions or if i needed to be sent farther along due to the decay. which...basically meant to get it done, i had to move past anxiety over using local numbing stuff. and was shaking the entire time (it was either tremble or squirm, basically) but i did it and didnt pass out and also didnt get so anxeitied that i noped out.. aaaaannd now two teeth are out.

honestly the worst thing about this so far is the lack of energy and the bleeding....abd the fact that my period also started yesterday. and i cant smoke for atleast 7 days and while i know its not the best way to handle stuff, its become a bit of a needed crutch. (tho i dislike how much i use it for atm and i really hope that as i heal physically and mentally (or once the ssris start working...) that ill just sorta... use it less, more naturally.) i didnt have access to help and assistance for some years and when it helps with pain, anxiety, sleep, and appetite... it was an easy catch all. But maybe this is good, then? im basically bieng forced to not smoke at all, and this will have to happen periodically until my teeth are healthy enough for the healing to not neccsitate that.

So yeah. teeth came out, and so i will be focusing on helping them heal and resting.

Things are finally starting to look up for me. It feels like I may actually be heard and helped taken care of, for once. things arent perfect, and i wish i could help more, but i cant let myself get hung up on that.

My job currently is to heal. I have to focus on these things to be able to actually be a productive member of society. But i know now i cant be a productive member of society unless i learn how to focus on myself in a way that isnt just pure survival.

[acidwaste]

hey so it seems i’ve forgot to do a l o t of tag memes, and i’m lucky i drafted a big bunch of them! lots of questions overlapped so i did my best to answer in different ways, sorry for the lateness! also @ the people that tagged me here, i wouldn't hesitate to kill for you

@natcaptor / @gayspaced

name: leon or lionel!

nicknames: literally the only nickname I’ve been referred to is “big gay” and like. word!

gender: im pretty sure im a guy, i have been kinda 🤔🤔🤔 abt my gender identity since around november-ish though

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1! i’m told that I’m tall but my uncle is 6’7 so...

time: 3:36pm rn! ive been watching video essays and binging music all afternoon

birthday: december 9th!

favourite bands: animal collective, beach house, camp cope, car seat headrest, death grips, fleet foxes, florence + the machine, gang of youths, glass animals, gorillaz, hop along, iceage, idles, kero kero bonito, mgmt, miike snow, modest mouse, run the jewels, superorganism, the avalanches, the cat empire, the go! team, the mountain goats, the wombats, xiu xiu

favourite solo artists: alex lahey, anderson .paak, ariana grande, billie eilish, bjork, cashmere cat, charli xcx, courtney barnett, cupcakke, d.r.a.m, eric taxxon, frank ocean, gfoty, hatchie, janelle monae, jeff rosenstock, joanna newsom, jorja smith, jpegmafia, kacey musgraves, kali uchis, kendrick lamar, khalid, kimbra, lorde, mac demarco, madeon, mick jenkins, mitski, oneohtrix point never, perfume genius, ravyn lenae, rina sawayama, serpentwithfeet, sophie, st. vincent, sza, vince staples

song stuck in my head: caramelo duro | miguel // kali uchis! its a bop, miguel is one of the few singers that can convincingly make sex jams

last movie i watched: deadpool 2! it was even better than the first, which is a feat in itself ngl

when did i create my blog: december 2016??? i only started using it properly in february last year tho

last thing i googled: “im in my mums car broom broom.” dont @ me

do i have any other blogs: yeah, plenty actually!! i have blogs for aesthetic (@moltenstar), general inspo (@wverns), flight rising (@szarising, kinda inactive?), and overwatch (@blackhardts) tbh the vast majority of my ‘sideblogs’ are just saved urls H

do i get asks: when i say stupid shit like “rung has the ass of a dilf but the dick of a cockroach”

why i chose my url: that one panel where kobd have a vacation at the acid wastes because fuck its finally canon babey!

following: 1,767, which is kinda horrifying!!

followers: 890?? somehow??? thats almost One Whole Thousand and i don't even make content

average hours of sleep: around 6 or 7!! n e v e r more though

lucky number: 43 and 64!!

instruments: i'm too poor to afford music lessons or instruments jsbddsjknfs

what am i wearing: a grey shirt and nothing on my bottom half so my [redacted] is hanging tf out, i should put on some damn clothes

dream job:  oooo uhhh, i’m studying to get an education degree rn because i’d love to teach children (around grade 3-4s preferably because i'm too jittery to handle anyone younger and older kids probs won't listen to me as much as i lack plenty of assertiveness), but!! i’d honestly love to be a musician, one of those underground ones that get lots of critical acclaim

dream trip: one day i wanna gather up some friends and just go on a road trip! idm where we go to, as long as we just have fun and just! adventure!

favourite foods: rare steak, mashed potatoes, eggs, and energy shakes made with like. fruit / cheese / yoghurt / oats / chia seeds ! protein is a large part of my diet

nationality: new zealand, but living in australia

favourite song right now: best part | daniel caesar // h.e.r - gosh i need to re-listen to daniel’s album again, i don’t remember this beautiful song being there and that’s a crime

@damndesi / @novarebel / @luciform-philogynist

APPEARANCE - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo (but I am getting a tā moko in December, I believe) - I have at least one piercing (planning to get a nose ring, like a bull!) - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined (b a r e l y) - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know - I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping (barely) - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing math in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol (tastes like shit) - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite bands concerts

MY LIFE - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live relatively close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone (do fractures count?) - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages (not fluently) - I have made a new friend in the past year

@smstransformers

age: 16

birthplace: auckland, nz

current time: 4:19 pm rn!!!

drink you last had: i just skulled half a liter of water whoops

favourite song: jesus etc. | wilco if we're talking abt an all-time favourite

grossest memory: accidentally swallowing a bee when i was seven years old (somehow nothing bad happened?)

horror, yes or no: not unless it’s an incredibly tame horror t b h, my threshold for scariness is very low

in love: i believe so!

jealous of people: lots of times, over really dumb things

love by first sight or should I walk by again: i believe that infatuation can exist at first sight but true love not so much. wish that could happen tho :C

middle name: shane!

siblings: my sister is eight years old, and my brother is seven!

one wish: EZ, make my anxiety disappear, i’d have a much more productive life

song i last sang: jupiter | haiku hands

time i woke up: 7:13, woke up immediately because i usually like to wake at 6:30

underwear colour: blue + purble

vacation destination: auckland / kingston / sydney!

worst habit: not remembering to make my goddamn bed, it looks like garbage

favourite food: mashed potatoes….

zodiac sign: sagittarius !!!

@alyonian

relationship status:

at the moment i’m single! and while being in a relationship sounds brilliant, the last two relationships i was involved in? didn’t work out to say the least, lucky i’m still young

favourite colour:

it’s been emerald green for the longest time but orange seems to be dethroning it at a steady pace

lipstick or chapstick:

i haven’t used chapstick since i was six but i probably should use it again, water is my substitute rn fdghdgh - and i haven’t ever used lipstick in any capacity? so i’d have to go with the former

last song i listened to:

the space traveller’s lullaby | kamasi washington - i’m trying to get through his second album rn (i left off on the second disk yesterday) and while everything he makes is undeniably amazing, it’s? a three hour album? i don’t have the attention span for his spiritual jazz, as great as it is

last movie:

monsters inc is playing on the television right now, i’ll go with that! the animation aged kinda badly but it’s still such a fun movie! sidenote: james p. sullivan? a childhood crush, so this gives me memories

top 3 tv shows/podcasts/comics:

i rarely, if ever, venture into these forms of media but! if i had to answer, i’d say;

unbreakable kimmy schmidt / parks & recreation / luke cage

taz / mbmbam (i havent like. watched a full episode of either but they seem cool,)

tf idw / …………. yeah that’s it, i’ve never read anything else. probably should!

additional favs:

my friends, writing (in theory), listening to video essays, learning music theory + instruments and understanding audio production software

top 3 bands / artists:

HHH okay if i had to limit my choices to just three artists, uh. lorde, the mountain goats, and sophie. i couldnt even fit janelle in i hate th is

----------------------------------

@alyonian

color(s): light colors are always nice and pleasant, though anything peachy and sandy are the best! orange (specially pastel orange) is like. the best thing

last band t-shirt i bought: usually merchandising is very expensive and i dont have the money to accommodate that, but like. i do recall having a wiggles shirt when i was five. i wore it all the time, shjdjgsksd im sure that counts

last band i saw live: i almost went to splendor in the grass last year with family, which wasn't only cool since i’ve never been out of the state since i immigrated - the festival was in queensland, which is around a two hour flight from victoria - but the lineup was pretty fuckin lit too! the xx, haim, peking duk, tash sultana, future islands, vallis alps, a.b original,, i was p excited! unfortunately my uncle fell ill and so they had to give the tickets to extended family :( otherwise, i haven't been to a single concert in my life

last song i listened to: street fighter mas | kamasi washington - up to this song on the album and i really fuckin dig this! also the video is hypnotizing

last movie i watched: monsters inc is about to finish and up next is monsters university! which like…. honestly, this is an extremely unpopular opinion but, i like it just as much as the original? my opinion might be skewed because i’m a monster [hugger], but i like everything abt the movie! except for the finale of the scare games and the last five minutes of the movie, both were just. dreadful.

last three tv shows i watched: if aggretsuko counts that’s the last series i watched of my own volition, which is a miracle in itself considering that’s legit only the second anime i’ve watched to completion (the first being shirokuma cafe, which i probably need to re-watch). otherwise, the last two shows i had beared witness to were thirteen reasons why and queer eye bc my cousin put them on! that first show i could completely do without but queer eye is iconique

last 3 characters i identified with: grimlock (legit. all of them), urdnot grunt (mass effect) and vector the crocodile (sth), i’m not sure what this says about me other than Big

book(s) i’m currently reading: i’m reading ‘maus’ by art spiegelman at the moment, for the third time i believe? i believe my classmates are supposed to be writing an essay on this next term and shit, this novel is heartbreaking, i haven't been this emotional when reading a book than… ever, really. it’s a recommendation of the highest caliber

@victorion

name: leon / lionel, i picked up the second name because i was in a server with an admin that was also a Leon™

nickname: besides ‘Big Gay’ i also have the nickname ‘lemon lion’ which is! nice!!

zodiac sign: archer man

height: Tall™

language(s) spoken: english / some maori + italian

fav fruit: watermelons (only when in season)

fav scent: the smell of a freezer tbh? it just smells Nice i don’t know how to properly explain it

fav season: spring! the breezes are welcoming without being overbearingly freezing

fav color: ornge,,,,

fav animal: SHARKS + CROCS + FERRETS

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: tea! with some milk tho

average hrs of sleep: too little

fav fictional character: One character?????? uhhhhhhh……. like. biggest cc right now is either idw skids or oz from monster prom

no. of blankets you sleep with: depending on my mood but i’d say the average is like, 3??

fav songs: i quickly whipped up some songs i listen to

fav artists: i came to the realization that i like acts that are considered ‘bad’ like maroon 5/drake/lil yachty etc in specific doses… i wouldn't call them good yet, but! i have no beef and thats good

fav books: remember ‘where the wild things are’??? that shit was like. literal childhood, man.. :happytears: i really need to look for a copy again

@thonany-klieme

name: leon / lionel, interchangeable really

gender: male, im probs an nb guy

star sign: sagittarius!

height: 6’1

sexuality: gay??? im not sure, im mostly attracted to other guys but i have had very brief crushes on girls + nb people? sexuality’s confusing so im gonna just latch to the gaybel (gay label) for now

lock screen image: its the album cover of 1992 deluxe by princess nokia, tho it was “T Hanos” a few days ago since i change it often - my home screen is venom but his torso says ‘fuck machine’

ever had a crush on a teacher: no??

where do you see yourself in ten years: ideally i’m teaching kids math n english, realistically i’m probably going down with the political climate

if you could go anywhere, where would you go: new zealand!! or the netherlands

what was your favorite halloween costume: halloween is not big at all where i live, the only time i tried trick or treating was when i was like 7?? i threw a bedsheet on myself and pretended to be a ghost, though since there were no eyeholes + the sheet was blue, it looked more like i was just a moving lump

last kiss: never had one

have you ever been to las vegas: nah and i dont plan to?? how do you handle regular days of 40C wtf

favorite pair of shoes: i have this pair of jandals that ive worn for a fair bit longer than my other pair of shoes, tho i only wear them in summer + very warm nights

favorite book: ngl its. ‘the very hungry caterpillar’ by eric carle. i just, love it alot and i cant explain w h y

[loversword]

um excuse me what? how are you gonna hide the fact that you're psychic and can talk to ghosts from us??!?!? I LIVE FOR THAT KIND OF STUFF!! Do you have any stories? :0

well its still pretty new to me so i dont post much about it and my abilities arent super refined yet! im clairsentient which means i dont physically see or hear things but things just kind of pop up in my head. like what someone looks like, their gender, sometimes i’ll feel some pain that relates to a condition they might have had or how they died. tonight was really my first time being able to actually get a lot of information and being able to help someone! usually its just like “i woke up in the middle of the night and someone was shaking my bed, suddenly i felt pain in my head/stomach/saw a persons face in my mind” etc. its hard for me to let down my defenses enough to get a lot of information and communication going bc its still a bit scary! but im trying to let go of that fear and train myself to open up enough to read their energy

i’ll talk about tonight because its a pretty good story and it was a good experience for me! for the past few days i havent been able to sleep well. i was getting shaken awake right as i was falling asleep and i could feel spirit there with me and i could feel their anxiety. but when its the middle of the night im too tired and scared to try and read anything from them. i even tried to take a nap earlier today and got shaken awake! i think this happens because right before the moment of sleep is when my defenses are down the most, its when i most often can clearly sense spirit and feel pain or feel their emotions

anyways me, my mom, and my brother were all driving home tonight after my brothers choir concert and all of a sudden my left ear started ringing, and then my brother was like “thats so weird bc my left ear started hurting” and my mom was like “OMG MINE IS TOO.” so then suddenly i could see a man grabbing the drivers seat and yelling at me and my mom like he was trying to get our attention. he was thin and gaunt looking, probably in his 50s, very thin graying hair, balding, and buzzed short. i could perfectly see his face; long and thin, long skinny nose that was slightly hooked at the end, deep set wrinkles around his mouth and under his eyes, and his clothes were baggy around his body. so i tell my mom this (this is nothing new for us lmao) and we both start honing in on him. i was getting more information than her which is rare since she’s been doing this way longer than i have and her skills are much more refined than mine. but over the course of about an hour i was trying to read him

i got that he was very frantic, anxious, and also frustrated. he was angry because he had to leave his family behind because he got sick and died pretty suddenly. my mom started telling me that i should tell him that he doesnt have to be in the same state he was when he died, he didnt have to be in pain any more because he doesnt have a body any more. he accepted this, but he was anxious about crossing over. he still had business in this world, and also he didnt really make peace spiritually before he died, he didnt really have a solid belief system so he was nervous about going to “the other side” as we call it. i told him that this didnt matter, because all are accepted! i knew he still wasnt going to cross over for quite some time, but he felt relieved about what i told him. i could also see what he looked like before he got sick/when he was a little younger. he had much thicker dark brown hair, and he wasnt as thin as he was when i saw him before. i could see what i think was his daughter too, she had long, straight, dark brown hair and bangs and she was probably in her 30s

my mom ended up talking to him more than i did, telling him that he needs to heal himself so that his family doesnt feel that negativity around them. she called in her angels to help heal him, and she prayed for him and his family. as she did this (which from my perspective was just her standing there in silence with her eyes closed, she told me after she was done what she said and did) i could feel calmness from him, whereas before i felt his anxiety and frustration. he was very happy to be heard! at first my mom was just going to go to bed and leave it be, but i just couldnt let it go, i really felt like i needed to help in some way. so then he left and i think he went back to his family. he didnt cross over, but i could tell he felt a lot better and was happy that we prayed for his family

the weird thing is that apparently one of my moms boyfriends coworkers died of cancer a couple weeks ago, and today was his funeral. we’re not sure if its the same guy or not but it is a weird coincidence and tomorrow my moms going to ask her bf about what he looked like so we can confirm whether it was him or not. he was very persistent about getting our attention! i think he was happy to be heard when every other living person was ignoring him/couldnt hear him

[ace2light]

felt so down..

i wanted to talk to people so badly. by people, i meant those whom i am close with. super close with, esp him. i do have ppl whom are extremely close to me. but i dont dare to approach them due to as follows: 

poon: he is with his friends, he wont have the time to entertain me also, well, there were times i couldnt control myself and texted him, i got a single word ‘ok’, i know where i stand, i backed off. i switched off my phone literally. idw to have more disappointment in my alrdy bad and sad mood. rather than unknowingly text him and anticipate he would at least ask how i am. i rather not meet with such a disappointment. well if he knows that i am really trying my best to cope with my feelings and thoughts, he would auto read this without me telling him. cos if i dont spam him, i go to insta, if i dont go to insta, i come to tumblr. these are the ways i penned down how i feel and what i think when there is no one to talk to me, no one whom i can chat with. 

steph: in gasglow, i dont want her to be burden with my issues. she will know when she returns when we catch up anws. 

chanel and jiawen: we are drifting apart. they are the ppl i joke ard with but no longer the ones whom i find to rant about. as i always hang out with poon, i dw them to feel i treat bf more than i treat my bff. i dont want them ti feel they are spare tyre. 

sheena and sam: i scared i make them feel overwhelm with my issues. plus sheena is no coping well alrdy, idw to add to her problems. 

mum: she no longer is my close listening ears. i nvr tell her many things, in fact, i nvr say much about myself anymore, except rant about dad to her. other than that, nth. idw her to worry about me, esp my studies. i didnt tell her i wasnt coping well in school lately also. she’s too busy dealing with my dad anws. 

dylan: he is a gd friend, but then i am not comfy telling him too many things. 

xx: i lose the position to rant to him. before i got into a relationship, he was always there when i was feeling down. be it normal classes whereby i am feeling sad or stress, he will buy me oreo (altho he say his house got unlimited supplies, so many times, he think i believe meh). he can chat with me for the entire night when i was feeling so lost about some issues in the past. he takes care of me like a little sis. often he is the one who can notice i am sad and try ways to make me happy. i always treated him as my bro. he is like my younger/older bro. because of many reasons, i distant myself from him. i dont want poon to be jelly about xx and me, neither do i want to make xx feel sad, so the best way is to distant from him. 

it has been long since i felt like cutting myself. thankfully that feeling happens when i was on a cab, i have no access to pen knife. if not idk what would happen to myself. honestly, i just wanna just rot in bed tmr, i dont feel like meeting anyone, but cos i promise alrdy, i have to appear.. 

it is getting worst, i overthink. i overthink in my sleep also. idw to. idk how to tell my brain to gimme a break. i really wanna break free from overthinking. i even woke up from a worst case scenario about poon me and my parents. i was awaken by this dream today, it scares me but i didnt share with him. 

what i feel now. towards poon. yes, i am his gf. apart from saying ‘i love u’, he technically did nth thru out the entire day i was down. i understand that he is with his friend. but i am feeling too low to even be considerate about it. at least, talk to me abit? make me feel a bit btr instead of just ‘i love u’? i know u love me and you mean it, but in times of this, too much of such phrases makes me feel i am not impt. i am just a person whom you have to say ‘i love u’ to a few times a day. for so long, i havent felt so lonely on terms of texting. i am a heavy texter to ppl whom i am comfortable in. he is one of them. i always felt a bit sad that when i am awake, he is asleep, why cant fate let him have a normal sleeping time? i really wish he was at least awake to text me when i am on my way to school or in school.. yes, he blame me that i didnt call him up or wake him up, but certain things, it doesnt comes from me, it takes his effort, not just mine. i mean if a person is asleep, what for wake him up for a casual chat esp when the reason is i am bored? this is so unreasonable. 

just ytd issue. btn poon and me. when i started to put in more trust in him, he shakes it again. i trusted him to come meet me with monster also, in fact, i anticipated that, that was the encouragement i told myself, the only reason that keep me awake. the thought of my bf visiting me and delivering a drink i needed so badly that day. end up, he did come (make me feel i am his priority but i was guilty). before that, i was comtrolling my temper not to rage at him. honestly, what does he mean. well if i was in his shoes, it is very simple. come to the gf then meet his friends afterwards. cos he promise the gf to come alrdy, but didnt promise the gf to wait for her after her test. what was promise first should be carried out, what is so hard about it? for me, personally, whoever i made a promise with first, i go with the promise first. unless that person is fking impt to me, which is him, whenever he wants to meet last minute, i have to push some of my plans away just to meet him. i really hope he knows it is hard for me to lie all the time, i dont have so much lies in me to hide from my parents all the time. and in order to make a lie, i have plan ahead, if it is so last minute, i cant think of a perfect reason to lie. but he doesnt get it? he seems to take it for granted that i can meet him any time sometimes, that is what i feel. sometimes, i have to get back home early cos i cnt go home too late. one is my fears of going home alone late at night, second is i cant see shit at night, three my mum is worried for me too. one more thing, shouldnt he pull me into the conversation instead of asking me to try on my own? isnt it easier for him to pull me into a conversation with his friends rather than i awkwardly ask them weird qns? i just hate it when he force me to talk, and if i dont, he would get upset, like srsly, i didnt talk for a reason okay. 

well i do appreciate his efforts, waking up before i go and caring for me. but if he’s gonna ignore me or forget about me when he is with his friends, i rather he dont show me i am his priority. cos it is fking hard to deal with when he isnt there to reply me all the time, reply as in a continuous conversation not a single word of trying to brush me off, yes, it might be a form of acknowledgement of it to me. but then, if i rant to him, do i really need an acknowledgement? hmm, i doubt so. i hate spamming him my feelings my thoughts cos he reads but dont reply me one by one, i hate that. if i tell you my feelings and thoughts fking reply, rants, at least tell me sth instead of a word ‘i reply later cos i chatting or gaming with my friends’ is still btr than a word, but ofc, make sure he replies afterwards lah, if not the words has no meaning. 

it is so hard to not text a person whom you text all the time a day. it is not i didnt wanna text, i am so fking tired and disappoointed at the nonchalant, okay not even nonchalant reply, just a word answer seems like i am disturbing him and brushing me off. i tried to text him, but if i am gonna get a word, what for i continue, sometimes it is not i didnt wanna spam. it’s just i know he wont reply to every single thing, so i am avoiding that disappointment. it takes two hands to clap, he want me to do this, then prove to me, it is worth it. like spamming, you want me to spam, then reply everything lah, i know i say b4 he need not necessarily reply everything but who doesnt want to be replied, if not send for what? 

he always wanted me to text him ‘i want him now’, why would i text a person asleep that? does he knows how much courage it takes for me to ask for things i want?  for almost 10 years, i havent been living for myself, i live for others, i nvr really requested a lot of things. idk how and i fear rejections, imagine mustering tons of courage then got rejected. hell no am i gonna make myself suffer that. best eg, first time i asked him to bring me sth that is extremely out of his way for me, he came but didnt fulfil the things i want. seeing him makes me not angry but the sadness doesnt disappear. 

i am like this now cos i want him to talk to me, even if it is for 2 mins, show that he tries to understand how i feel now. but nah, nope, i had enough of dissapointment today. i aint gonna on my phone until tmr. if he is late for tmr, i am so gonna ignore him for a day. 

as much as i wanna blame him for having fun and forgot about me. but i cnt. 

enough of him.

what cause me so sad and down. it is like i am awake but i aint doing my work. i dont have the energy to do so. i am so tired of everything. 

academic failure. is extremely strong when i failed my CT. 

stress. i m dealing with so many in schools but no one exactly knows what i am going thru. 

home: i have to smile to maintain i am okay feels. one not to let my parents worry and not to anger them. 

friends: i dgaf about them alrdy. i dont have the mood to deal with them. 

him: i am just idk, extremely sad and dissapointed about it, how he acts/ treats me these 2 days, esp today. 

wtv happens next, tonight, i wont gurantee. whether i harm myself or not. i cant be sure. controlling it is so hard. death to me aint scary, what i am scared of is the sadness ppl felt if i harm myself. 

dont blame me to disappear. if he shown more effort, i wouldn't have disappeared due to sadness and disappointment. actually, would he even know i disappear? 

or maybe, i havent been okay, cos i felt neglected by him... apart from my parents, only one more person can me feel so dead when i am alrdy unhappy, which worsen my sadness. 

IF HE HAPPENS TO FIND TILL HERE, I SALUTE HIM COS I DONT EXPECT HIM AT ALL. which implies he knows how to find me when i dissapear.