#i honestly wish normal and taylor got in a fight

[cowboybirdie]

i wanted to write an angsty normal fic a couple months ago about how i was perceiving his character arc going. i was hoping id be wrong, but i ended up being totally right and im upset!

bc he’s finally seeing how undervalued he is to the team. he’s realizing that linc, taylor, and scary—really linc/taylor and linc/scary—are tight and he’s forgotten. he’s rarely included, his ideas get shot down, they make fun of him for always wanting to be kind and loving hard and wanting what’s best for the people he cares about. linc is like… perpetually putting normal down bc i think he has a morality superiority complex. like none of you, NONE OF YOU! would have made it this far on your “heroes journey” without normal!!!!

he CHOSE to take his sisters place even though he found out the cost, that he wasnt wanted, and that he was just a disappointment for not being special. he CHOSE to stay and support all of you even when he was constantly rejected and put down by friends and crushes and parents. he CHOSE all of them, regardless.

they’re setting up the scary/normal arcs how they set up awakening the doodler and it’s fucking killing me. scary is learning to open up with love, while normal is learning to shut down with hate.

im worried about normal.

[a-dumb-sarcastic-bisexual]

I got bored again so you get Nimona headcanons

I’m fully convinced that Bal is denser than a neutron star

He’s liked Ambrosius ever since he met him and when he was a teenager he was fully convinced those feelings were unrequited  

All the while Ambrosius was asking him out like every other week and making plans for their damn wedding 

Poor babe had to be kissed on the fucking mouth for him to even consider that Ambrosius liked him back

When he finally caught on he woke up half the institute with his realization because he literally screamed 

He got really excited and asked Ambrosius “So you love me yeah?” 

Ambrosius was out here looking for hidden cameras because no way in Hell can this man be that clueless

He let Bal believe that it was a new development because he didn’t have the heart to tell Bal that he was just slow on the uptake 

He accidentally let it slip to Nimona and she never let him live it down

The boys absolutely made breakup playlists during the movie 

Olivia Rodrigo and Taylor Swift were their best friends during that time

When the dust had settled and they forgave each other and themselves they played the playlists and laughed about how stupid they were (and they both pretended not to notice the tears in their eyes)

I’m fully convinced that the trio has the dumbest sense of humor (which is my sense of humor) 

Bal has a bad habit of taking his arm off and leaving it in the most random places 

Whenever someone asks where his arm is he’ll say “Which one?” Or “I don’t know love where is my arm?”

At first it caught Ambrosius off guard but now he just chuckles and says “Fine be like but don't ask me for help when you can't find it later” 

Bal will normally scoff and tell him he won't (they both pretend the conversation never happened when Bal asks him to help him look for it)

One time they were watching a firework show and Nimona turned to them and said “Remind you of anything?” 

The boys just sat there not knowing if they wanted to laugh or cry so they took turns doing both 

They kept making that joke and Ambrosius threatened to call them firecracker if they kept it up

All they could say was “You act like that isn’t a sick ass nickname” 

Whenever the smallest inconvenience happens Ambrosius always says “I wish the director stabbed me that day” 

Like this man could misplace his keys and look down at the ground and say “Do me a favor come back and kill me for real please”

The first time he said that Bal spit out his coffee and all Ambrosius could say was “You’re not helping this situation hun”

Honestly, I have no clue how old Ambrosius and Bal are but if I had to guess I would say 20-26

And because they’re both really young and Nimona hasn’t matured past 14 I feel like they would have a very complex relationship with her 

They have very paternal instincts when it comes to her but they also act like older brothers 

They’ll threaten to ground her if she sets another piece of bubble gum on fire (which she laughs at) but they also aren't afraid to mess around and roughhouse with her 

Sometimes Nimona and Ambrosius will be messing around and jokingly picking on each other and the next thing Nimona knows he’s being picked up like he weighs nothing and tossed on the couch 

Whenever Nimona annoys the Hell out of Bal while he’s working Bal will just pick him up and place him outside of the lab

And there have been plenty of times when Ambrosius isn't scared to tackle his little ass to the floor 

Oh she’ll make sure they regret it because she could easily snap them both in half like a twig but sometimes it’s just fun to play fight (Ambrosius calls them her zoomies)

They’ll bicker over who actually cleans up around the house and whose turn it is to wash the dishes 

But they’re also able to have these incredibly deep conversations that go late into the night 

They’ll get into very intense fights and then five minutes later Ambrosius will walk into Nimona’s room and leave a tray of cut fruit without saying anything 

Whenever the boys are working from home Nimona will hang out with them

She jokes that she’s “blessing them with her presence” and most of the time they let it slide because she doesn’t really do anything 

She’ll bring snacks drinks games and a phone charger but she doesn’t talk a lot she just hunkers down and waits for them to be done with work

Whenever the boys ask why she does this she’ll shrug her shoulder but the truth is she finds their company incredibly comforting

[eldritch-thrumming]

OMG I just caught up reading your steddie au fic and it just is so incredibly amazing I honestly can't describe in words how much I love it?? Like Ethel Cain is my favorite musician and "Sun bleached flies" was my song of 2022, so when I got the lyrics in your authors note I just was so emotionally devastated like "I'm still waiting for that house in Nebraska, on the highway at the edge of town, dancing with the windows open... " how could you do this to me I actually cried😭 And I love how bittersweet the steddie relationship is, normally I don't like angst but I adore the self-sacrificial Steve characterization you wrote where he doesn't want to be far from Hawkins in case something happens, and then his own idea is proven right when something does happen, like that is just so angsty and perfect!! And when Steve had to work and see Eddie on the cover of a magazine, like askhhfldaksdj its just so tragic and how Eddie was talking about him in the interview...I wish they could meet up and see how much they mean to each other but also the miscommunication and tragedy is so good too!! I wish I could articulate myself better because I feel like I can't explain how much I really love this fic, like I normally don't do angst but for some reason this fic just makes so much sense in my mind and I love it!! Thank you for posting it, I love all your other writing as well!! :D

omgggggg???? this is so nice :')

I am currently obsessed with Ethel Cain, I listened to Preacher's Daughter non-stop over winter break and then forced my family to listen to it in the car after I explained the narrative to them (they did not care for it lol). And then I was listening to just "A House in Nebraska" and "Sun Bleached Flies" on repeat, literally just over and over and over again, and I was like "hmmmmm..... what if???? everyone was just so so sad??? what then???" and I wrote the first part. I'm being totally, absolutely honest with you when I say that all I intended to write was that one angsty first part, it was supposed to be a stand-alone piece!! But I can never help myself and you guys have been so nice.

I never thought of myself as an angst writer, but I think it's becoming pretty clear that that's what I do lol their dynamic here is so interesting to me, because they do love each other. The love is there and it's deep and strong and meaningful but it's still not enough, because Steve is traumatized and so is Eddie but they're approaching it in vastly different ways. Eddie leaves and there's nothing wrong with that. As the great Taylor Swift once sang, "sometimes to run is the brave thing"!!!! And Steve stays because he's scared. And the heartbreaking thing, for me, is that there really isn't a miscommunication; they both know exactly why the other is doing the things they're doing. There's no big fight or anything. They can fully understand each other because they know each other so well. They can't blame each other for doing what they need to do to heal and to live the lives they need to. Eddie gets the things he's always wanted and loses Steve. Steve gets a modicum of comfort in staying close to Hawkins, but he loses Eddie. It's so tragic because they know why it's happening and they can't fix it without changing, unless one of them bends, but they're too afraid of breaking and so it falls apart. And Steve is right!!!! He's vindicated!!!!! But all his worst fears are coming true, so of course there's no victory there.

Thank you so so so much for this sweet message. This seriously made my night!! <3

[nxttheendxfthestxry]

Double Solo Para: How’s It Going? (Ben/Dahlia)

“Hey, stranger. How’s it been?” Dahlia leans in the open doorway.

“Oh, hey Dahlia, things have been pretty much business as usual...” Ben looks up with a smile, blinking, puzzled. He wasn’t immune. Why wasn’t he dealing with the normal reaction?

Dahlia chuckles at his face. “I wish I had my camera right now. It’s the sunglasses,” she points to them. “I asked someone to enchant a pair that basically nulls my appearance as long as I’m wearing them.”

Ben pauses and laughs. “Nice. That’s actually awesome. And smart. I’d say I’m surprised we never thought of it sooner...”

“But it’s Auradon, and Auradon’s relationship with its own culture is stupid,” Dahlia finishes, a far less poetic version of what he was going to say.

But, Ben cocks his head and then nods in agreement. “True. Come in, sit, tell me what else you’ve been up to. I’ve been busy, I could use the catch up and the break.”

“That’s about right for you,” Dahlia grins, finally walking in and dropping to sit on a chair across from him. “Taylor’s ex is in town. She’s pretending she hasn’t noticed yet. So it’s been a lot of calling her out, mostly, for me, Niks, and Maelona. Not that it’s helping, of course.”

Ben snorts. “Ah, the Costas. And that’s coming from one of Audrey’s best friends.”

“Yeah, speaking of, how’s that work? I mean, isn’t it awkward? Isn’t like... all of everything awkward? Willa, Audrey, HOLLY, Chad... basically everyone but Hannah, I guess,” Dahlia cocks her head and sits up, leaning forward a bit.

Ben sighs, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair. “Maybe at first, but things got easier. It helped, I think, that the reason we all reconnected was a detention back in high school.”

“Wait, really? Didn’t hear about that. How’s the golden boy king of the country get detention?” Dahlia scoffs.

“He asks nicely,” Ben doesn’t miss a beat. “I heard Hannah got put in there for lashing out-- found out later she was having a minor panic attack-- and asked my teacher for detention so she wouldn’t be alone. Took a little convincing but made it happen.”

Dahlia pauses and starts laughing, slowly slipping off the chair to the floor and clutching her sides. “You-- you ASKED?!”

Ben huffs, sighing and trying to cover up how red his face gets. “Yes, yes I did. It worked though. Anyway, Audrey and Willa show up because Willa got in a fight and Audrey tried to break it up and AP staff was how they were, and then Holly... we still don’t even know why Holly got detention. We just finally started talking about... everything, and next thing I know we’re all back together. Chad kinda came along after the fact, last summer, but we sat down and talked with him, too, and... here we are, I guess.”

Dahlia nods, smiling, sitting up, leaning against the chair. “Here you are. So things are... good? Even with... everything?”

“Y’know, yeah. I’m working like crazy, sure, but... I’ve made progress with the vampires from Whitechapel and the Earth Priestess protecting them. Mal and I are great, school hasn’t been the absolute worst, I don’t have a riot at my gates yet... overall, things seem to be going pretty well, actually. How are you? Besides the whole Taylor thing.”

“All right, I think,” Dahlia shrugs. “I mean, y’know, still cursed. But besides that, it’s been okay. Classes are actually cool, I didn’t think I’d enjoy anything to do with education at any level, much less middle school, but I’m coming around. Met up with some guy who wanted to learn more about my curse, it was... interesting, let’s say. Kinda weird, but it wasn’t like... terrible, I guess. So things are doing about as well as they can.”

Ben nods, grinning. “Ni-- waiiiit. Felix is here. How’s that going?”

Dahlia sighs. “That’s fair. We haven’t really crossed paths a ton around here, thankfully. But honestly, Ben, if we were going to worry about me and all my exes, we’ll be here six hours.”

“...that’s a good point,” he admits with a nod. “Okay. What are you avoiding, then?”

“Homework,” Dahlia grins, sighing and shaking her head. “You know me too well, Ben, it’s not fair.”

“You came to me,” Ben points out, raising an eyebrow.

“Hush,” Dahlia points up at him, pulling herself to her feet. “When’s the last time you had something to eat?”

Ben sighs. “I think the answer is about to be very soon.”

“Yep, c’mon, let’s go get food.” Dahlia gets around the desk and reaches out, grabbing his arm and dragging him to his feet with a grin, practically dragging him out with her.

[sorryjustafangirl]

it’s a love story

a/n:  this is my submission for the @doubleminor​’s #hockeychallengemusic ! im so so super late but i finally had the time to write this. the toronto six of the nwhl have this as their winning song and i loved watching them celebrate this season. and apparently all i can write is matty tkachuk but i felt he really fit this idea

Pairing: Matthew Tkachuk x reader

Work count: 2.2k+

warnings: mentions of the pandemic and one swear but other than that just fluff :)

disclaimer: this is a work of fiction and real person fiction if you don’t like that, please don’t read! also the gif isn’t mine! all credit to the fantastic gif-maker!

prompt: choose an official team/player goal song and make something using that goal song // found here 

He had wanted the proposal to be perfect. The moment he knew you were the one he wanted to marry, he asked your best friend for everything you had ever mentioned about a proposal. You were only going to get proposed to once, and he wanted to make sure it was perfect. 

Secluded, yet meaningful, place? Check. 

Get it on camera? Check. 

Cute outfit with nails done? Check. 

But a global pandemic was not in his plan. Not even close. 

When the season had got put on pause, his parents suggested he come back to St. Louis to spend time with them, since Brady was coming back too. He was hesitant to go considering you were still going into the office for an essential project, but you assured him that he should go spend time with his family. He didn't get to see them a lot, and you knew he missed them. When he packed, he made sure to take the little velvet box and shove it between his socks. He didn't want to risk you finding it while he was away. 

A couple weeks later, after many FaceTimes and virtual date nights, you finished your project and work gave you the all clear to work from home. A two week quarantine and one plane ride later, you had joined him in St. Louis. You were still working, but working from the Tkachuk's home and with your boyfriend was much better than working alone in your shared apartment. 

Since you had joined the family, Taryn had noticed her oldest brother was a little jumpier than usual. Before, he was more carefree, aside from the occasional moping, and he definitely wasn't making sure his bedroom door was closed whenever he went in there alone. But now? It seemed odd. He wasn't moping, but he had those moments when he seemed too sad for it just to be about the season.  

So after Matthew's third sigh and retreat to his room while you were working, she decided it was time for an intervention. She quietly followed him to his room, where he methodically closed it and made sure it clicked. 

***

It was the second time today Matthew had looked at the box today. He knew he was torturing himself, opening the box to look at the ring he had picked out. It wasn't too flashy, something just your style. He remembered the way his heart jumped when he saw it in the store. It instantly reminded him of you and he just knew it was the one. It was like he couldn't help himself, looking at the box another time.

You could’ve already been engaged by now. The two of you could’ve been looking at venues and dates and even if he said he never really cared about that stuff… he couldn’t help but long for those things, because it would mean it was real. The two of you would be getting married, and he’d get to be your husband. 

But instead of being engaged, he’d just have to stare at the ring and wish he could make this all go away so he could give you the proposal you’ve always wanted. He relived the time he knew you were the one, anything to remind him that you wouldn’t mind waiting until this pandemic was over to get engaged. 

It was a home game against the Senators. Nothing speculator, just a regular game that they unfortunately lost in OT. Because it was against the Sens, and because he scored the only goal of the game, Matt knew he’d be chosen for press. He was tired, and there was nothing he wanted more than to see his family who had made the trek out to Calgary to see the boys play. He left the dressing room with his tie a little crumpled from the rush to meet them. 

He turned the corner to see Taryn sitting on a bench, with Brady standing with his parents, probably cracking a joke based on the way his mom was playfully glaring at Brady while his dad laughed loudly. His mood picked up a little after the interview and the loss.

As he got closer, he realized that Taryn wasn’t sitting alone. You were sitting there, your head resting against her shoulder, your eyes slightly closed. He stopped in his tracks when he saw your work bag sitting in your lap and your suitcase beside you. Your flight was supposed to get in around 8 and he had insisted that you just meet him at home after the game. This work trip had been horrible, your co-worker throwing you under the bus in a meeting with executives on a project he didn’t work on. You deserved to be relaxing with a glass of wine in the sanctity of your shared apartment. But you were here, at his game, straight from the airport, laughing with his family despite your drooping eyes. He had never felt more loved than he did right there. 

A knock startled him from his thoughts. 

“Uhh... just a second!” He snapped the ring box shut and quickly stood up from the bed to shove it in his drawer. Taryn popped her head in to see him very suspiciously standing in front of his dresser.

“It’s just me, dork. What are you doing?” She entered his room, making herself comfy on his bed. He scoffed, and closed the door behind his sister. 

“I’m not doing anything. What are you doing?” He went back to standing by the dresser and Taryn rolled her eyes.

“That’s exactly it, you’re doing nothing. Normally, when we’re all home you’re like bouncing off the walls. Like I know this time it’s different but Y/n came too so I thought… I don’t know, you just seem off but Brady didn’t think so and I didn’t want to worry Mom… so like, what’s going on? Is everything okay? Are you and Y/n fighting?” 

His eyes bugged out and Taryn would have laughed if she wasn’t so serious. “What no! We’re fine! We’re fine, why-why would you say that?” 

“You’ve been quiet Matt. You’re never quiet, especially when Brady’s home with us.” He rolled his eyes and she huffed at her older brother. “You know it’s true! So... what’s going on?” He sighed and turned to find the box from the drawer. He looked down at the velvet in his hands as he sat on the edge of the bed. Taryn moved to be sitting beside him and gasped quietly. 

“Is that...?” 

“Yeah. I was going to...you know, before the world went to shit. I had it all planned out too. The weather was getting warmer and there’s this hiking trail we like in Banff, it’s only like an hour drive. There’s this perfect spot where I could prop my phone up so I could get it on camera, just like they wanted. But now... I don’t know what I’m going to do.” 

“Do you still want to, you know, propose?” 

“’Course I do. Honestly, I want nothing more. But, they deserve it to be perfect, you know? And like, I don’t know how I could surprise them here, because we’ve been chilling in the same sweatpants for the past week! Asking them to get dressed up would seem suspicious and I want it to be a surprise,”

“Could… could I help you? I might have an idea…” She grinned towards her brother, his eyes brightening at the idea of marrying you. 

***

“Y/N, do you want to do a TikTok with me?” She called to you from across the Tkachuk’s backyard. Taryn must’ve been feeling the quarantine because yesterday the two of you did your nails together, which prompted you to, for once, put on a pair of pants that weren’t Matty’s sweatpants and do your hair, so you had no problem setting down your book and hopping up from your seat to join her. She squealed and you laughed as you joined her. 

“It’s so easy! I promise! So, it’s to a remix of Taylor Swift’s ‘Love Story’ and the only set in stone parts are that you actually kneel when she says ‘knelt to the ground’ and then the camera will start to pull away and then you just freestyle! We can do a couple practice ones before we film it for real, if you want?” 

“Yes, please, you have severely overestimated my dancing skills,” you laughed. Right at that moment, Matthew came out of the house with a Bud Light in his hand. He placed it on the edge of the firepit before walking over to you.

“What’s got you all cracked up?” He pressed a kiss to your cheek.

“Taryn thinks I’m a good enough dancer to film this TikTok on my first try,” He grinned at you. 

“A TikTok you say? Can I do it too? If you can do it surely it’s easy enough for me,” You gave him a playful eye roll and laughed. 

“How bored are you to want to film a TikTok?” 

“I want to spend time with my girlfriend, is that a crime?” He smirked and you cracked a smile.  

Taryn spoke up. “Hey no, this would be perfect! I need to move the camera away from you when you’re dancing anyways, and this way you won’t be alone. And you’ll get Matt’s dancing on camera for future blackmail!” You laughed at her comment and slugged him lightly in the arm. 

“Game on, we’ll see who's the better dancer after this,” He just laughed and then told you to tell what the heck he was doing for this dance. After a while, the two of you were ready to film. 

Taryn got behind her phone and started the music. You got into position and bumped Matthew’s hip before facing the camera. 

Is this in my head, I don’t know what to think. He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said

You knelt down and pretended to open a ring box, while Matthew pulled out the box he’d been hiding for six months. 

Marry me Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone

You started to dance as Taryn pulled the camera away from the both of you. Lost in the music, you didn’t seem to notice that Matthew was still on one knee, an adoring smile on his face. 

“Y/n,” 

I love you and that’s all I really know

You stopped dancing and glanced to your side. “Oh my god,” Your hands flew to cover your mouth as you saw Matt still on one knee, but with a black box in his hands. “Are you joking?”

“Not joking, baby, I promise.” He opened the box to reveal the most beautiful ring you had ever seen. It was classy, with just enough bling to catch your eye and go with the rest of your jewelry. Your eyes filled with tears as he started to speak. 

“Y/n, you are the best person I have ever met. I never thought someone would be willing to put up with me, not with my job and the media and how I play my game, but then I met you, and it’s like the whole world shifted. I have fallen more in love with you every day, even the past few days when we do the same thing every day. I love you so much, babe, and all I want is to keep being your person. I know my job means I’ll have to leave sometimes, but with me, with this, I promise you’ll never be alone. I want to be your husband and I want us to have little mini-us’s running around, well really mini-you’s but with my hair, because let’s face it, they aren’t escaping the curls,” You let out a teary laugh, and you could see his shoulder visibly relax a little. “When I look to my future, all I see is you. You are my future. And I know this isn’t perfect or even ideal but..”

“No, no, Matty, it’s perfect.” You whispered, your eyes full of tears. “It’s perfect because it’s with you.”

His grin widened if that was possible, and he looked down at the box in his hands before up to you. “If that’s the case, then Y/n, will you make me the happiest man on Earth and marry me?” 

“Yes! Yes, yes, of course,” You bent down to kiss him, leaving your tears on his cheek when you pulled away. He slipped the ring onto your finger and swept you into a bear hug. “Oh my gosh, we’re going to get married!”

“It’s you and me, baby, for the rest of our lives.” He tried to smirk, but it didn’t last long, a smile covering it as the euphoria overcame him. 

“Okay, okay, show me the ring!! Matthew didn’t tell me he was proposing!” Chantel came out in the backyard with a bright grin on her face. You couldn’t contain the smile on your face and the two of you admired the ring together. 

“I didn’t tell Dad either, don’t get offended,” Matthew said, coming over to meet the both of you. 

“Oh, you liar! You totally called me and asked me for advice.” Keith chimed in with a laugh. “Granted, you never told me you were going to do it today… but I’m happy for you kids.”

“I didn’t think he’d ever get the guts to propose, sorry for the wait Y/n,” Brady chirped, earning a whack from his mother. 

“I don’t mind, he’s worth the wait.” You looked to your fiancé, only to find him already looking at you, his blue eyes gleaming full of warmth. “So worth the wait.”

let me know what you think! thanks for reading!

[missdawnandherdusk]

The Year of O.W.L.s

(Hufflepuff*)!Reader x Draco

Down there

I know there's tons of burdens I must bear

But from up here

The world looks so small

And suddenly life seems so clear

Fourth Year    The First Summer

Summary: The events of the first semester of your fifth year unfold at Hogwarts and more than your fair share of obstacles head your way. 

A/n: Hello my darlings! So this is from September to December 21st, or the end of the first term at Hogwarts. Don’t dismay at the short time span: This part is over 13k words. I’ve been trying to finish this chapter in lue of what’s happening to offer some escape, so the last bit (thousand words or so) isn’t fine tuned, but I doubt you’ll notice. I love you all so much. Please stay safe and stay creative and always keep fighting. (P.S. some of the canon of the book is changed obviously)

Two people knew what I was doing in the beginning. Then four. Then those four and the rest of my teachers. Then the Head girl for Hufflepuff. The latter knew I would be silent for a month. It had started in the middle of July and would go to the middle of September. It was important that I didn’t say a word. There was something much greater at stake. Something that would take practice and a lot of patience. The latter didn’t know why.

The only one who didn’t know anything, the one that I was doing it for, was Draco. And those that did know, swore secrecy, so Draco would never know. Not unless I decided to tell him.

I barely avoided complete failure twice.

The first time, I almost slipped up the day I had gotten my prefect badge. In my excitement, I had forgotten the task at hand until my mother reminded me and I had to calm myself once more. It was great for my anxiety, this task I took on. It kept my thoughts occupied for the moment and something to focus on.

The second, was when I saw Draco at the train station. Under his father’s gaze, he said nothing to me, and hardly looked my way, confirming my suspicions about his summer silence. Yet, we were both prefects, and as such we were forced together in a small train compartment. Ernie Macmillan, the other Hufflepuff prefect, said hello. I smiled and nodded. Draco didn’t say anything as the Head boys and girls from the different houses took turns explaining what was expected of us all.

“Y/n,” Draco’s voice was quiet and soft as he lingered behind.

I paused, taking a deep breath in, remembering my trial. He couldn’t be the reason that I erred. I grit my teeth in hopes that it would help.

“You have every reason to be mad,” He began softly, his voice barely audible. “I was an arse, and I know it. But you have to understand—”

I raised an eyebrow at him. The first week he didn’t write back was crushing, the second week, I was furious, the third, I started my task. It gave me time to think, and to find my own reasons of why he treated me the way he did, and more time to choose to believe in the good ones.

“Will you say something!?” He demanded, stalking towards me.

And I started to. But, with my eyes squeezed shut, despair washing over me, I fled, back to the train compartment that held Abby and my other friends. Tears slipped down my cheeks as I watched the rain patter against the train window.

“You need to tell him Y/n,” Abby chided.

She wasn’t quite taken with my defense of Draco dropping off the face of the earth for the past month, but she stood by my side and somehow still supported my decision. Abby knew why I was silent; she was one of the first two to know.

I gave her an exasperated look and leaned my head back against the compartment wall with a soft thud, closing my eyes.

______________________________

Draco knew you’d be mad, but at least he thought you’d talk to him. More likely yell at him, but your silence was deafening. Then he found out from Pansy, that you weren’t talking to anyone. At all. In class, teachers never called on you, and you never said hello to anyone in the halls. You didn’t even speak to Abby. It wasn’t dismissive, just not natural.

He didn’t want you to have to vow silence because he broke your trust in him. He wanted you to be mad at him and that was all. He still wanted you to be you. He needed that, even if he had let you go to keep you safe.

“Answer me, you foolish girl,” The grating voice of Umbridge caught his attention.

He looked up and saw that you were staring at her in horror, refusing to speak. Umbridge was towering over you—barely as she had an inch on you—her wand shoved under your chin.

Abby quickly rushed over and Draco stood, spilling his bottle of ink over his transfiguration notes, taking a step toward you before remembering that you were mad at him and probably didn’t want him swooping in and playing hero.

“Ma’am, with all due respect, Y/n can’t talk, I’m sure you got her mother’s letter?” Abby defended.

“I don’t care what her mother says or what the Headmaster says. There is no excuse for her not to answer a simple question.” The witch in pink dismissed Abby and turned her beady glare back to you.

There were tears in your eyes, utter brokenness on your face. He knew that you would give in and speak out of pure fear, throwing away whatever you had been working toward, even if you wouldn’t tell him what it was.

And Merlin damn him if he was going to let that happen. You could be mad at him fine, but he wasn’t going to see you get hurt when he could do something.

“Is there a problem here Professor?” Draco walked up to you and Umbridge, taking a step between the two of you inconspicuously, allowing space for you. His heart leapt as he left your hand softly on his back, clinging to his robe.

“Mr. Malfoy,” Umbridge pressed her lips into a tight line. “I hope you are not preventing me from reprimanding a student.”

“He is not,” Another voice came floating down the hall. “But i am.”

Draco caught sight of stark blue eyes and a stern face and never in his life was he happier to see Professor McGonagall. Professor Sprout and Abby flanked her, all looking quite intimidating as they flowed down the hall.

“I wasn’t aware that you had jurisdiction over her, she is not of your house after all,” Umbridge seethed, taking a step away.

“She is of mine however,” Professor Sprout took a step forward, extending her hand to you. You quickly rushed over and cowered behind her. “And you will respect her wishes as well as the wishes of her mother and of the Headmaster,”

Umbridge, seeing that she was clearly cornered, tutted and turned dramatically, her heels clicking down the hall as she receded.

“Are you alright my child?” Sprout asked you softly.

A gentle nod came from you.

“She didn’t jeopardize it, did she?” McGonagall asked.

You shook your head. Your hand rose to your mouth, three fingers touched your lips and then you extended your arm down. It was an odd gesture he thought.

“You’re quite welcome,” McGonagall smiled. “Come to me when the week is done,”

You nodded again and Abby grabbed your arm, ushering you out of the study room and down the hall. He stared, not sure what he just witnessed. McGonagall caught his stare and raised an eyebrow at him.

“She will tell you when she is ready,” Was all she said then turned to leave, Sprout next to her.

Draco stood there, dumbfounded, before heading back to his seat and trying to salvage his notes what had a pool of black ink in the middle of them. He stole glances at you, and he could see again, you were using your hands in weird motions, and Abby was responding. Not a word left you lips but still you two were in an argument.

He caught your gaze from across the room, and you looked at him. Sadness filled your eyes and your fist came to your chest and made a circular motion before you turned back to Abby.

It was a few days later when he saw you again. It happened at dinner in the Great Hall with his friends, a commonality for the Slytherin house to eat together by year level.

“So how was your summer?” Draco asked Pansy offhandedly.

“You know, travelling in Paris again.” She sighed, getting a mischievous glint in her eyes. “What about you lover boy?”

“Lover boy?” Crabbe snickered. “You got yourself someone to fancy Malfoy?”

Draco scoffed and fought the urge to snap and defend you blatantly. He had to do this right.

 “It was nothing major,” Draco played coy.

“We know you Draco, tell me how far did you get with her?” Goyle grinned, nudging his side. 

“Honestly, show some decorum you two,” Draco muttered. “It wasn’t like that,” He scoffed. 

“So, she put up a fight then?” Pansy smirked at him.

“No, of course not.” Draco folded his arms. “Seriously, get your heads out of the gutters you three.” Then he grinned mischievously, stealing a glance your way. “But she was good, if you know what I mean,”

Everyone listening into their conversation started cheering him on and he gave a bemused smirk, satisfied.

“Weren’t your parents away all month too?” Pansy drawled, catching his game. Draco gave a small nod and a wicked grin, laughing when Crabbe and Goyle nearly lost it. 

“So, what happened?”

“Well, the summer ended.” Draco shrugged nonchalantly. “I told her we could still be friends,”

His eyes met yours from across the hall. There was a deep blush on your cheeks and almost a sheepish smile as you looked at him. He noticed that you were talking again, and he was quite relieved that you were getting back to normal, and maybe you didn’t hate him completely.

__________________________________

Meanwhile...

“You’re talking!” Abby exclaimed. “Is it done?” Her tone lowered.

“For now,” I smiled, sitting at the Hufflepuff table in the great hall, still signing the words.

“So, what did you do this summer?” Ernie, my fellow prefect, asked, sitting with us as well as a few other Hufflepuffs. “Now that you’re talking again,”

“Well, my summer couldn’t have been as interesting as Y/n’s,” Abby grinned evilly. “She got herself a summer love,”

My face went red as everyone looked to me. Ernie was skeptical, but the other girls—Hannah, Janis, Taylor, and Emme—we’re all hopeful.

“Well... he was sweet,” I stammered, my eyes darting to Draco sitting across the Hall. “It all happened so fast,” I signed a word here and there before pressing my hands into my lap.

“We need details! Y/n!” Emme squealed, grinning. “Was it love at first sight?” 

Abby and I both laughed as I shook my head.

“Goodness no,” I chuckled. “I don’t know what to say. We spent the afternoons together for a month at his place. I read to him and he showed me the grounds... and well,”

“How much did he spend on you?” Hannah piped up, looking awestruck.

“Nothing,” I insisted, smiling to myself. “He was charming. Very different from what I expected, but sweet,”

“Look, she’s blushing,” Emme teased. “Awe, you really like him,” 

“So, what happened?” Ernie asked, slightly more invested.

“Well,” I looked down, gnawing on my lip. “It ended, I guess. School started and...” I shrugged softly, my eyes landing on familiar blue ones.

“Does he go here?” Hannah wondered aloud.

My eyes snapped up, wide in panic.

“No!” Abby and I both said together then started to giggle.

“We’re going to figure out who it is,” Emme threatened. “Might as well tell us now,” 

“I bet it’s Malfoy,” Ernie muttered under his breath.

I looked at him, my cheeks turning a darker red, biting my lip.

“No!” They all gasped as if it were a scandal.

“He’s actually really sweet guys,” I argued softly. “You saw him last year, at the Year End Feast...” I muttered sheepishly.

“But he’s a Slytherin!” Hannah was aghast.

“Not over the summer! I don’t know, Houses didn’t really interfere... we just were,” I leaned my elbows on the table.

“Awe, I want one,” Emme sighed wistfully.

The table broke out into laughter as the conversation shifted, my eyes stealing glances to the Slytherin table more than once.

.......................................

The Night You Started Talking Again....

Professor McGonagall with the aid of Professor Sprout both aided me that night of the full moon. They vowed to keep my phial safe until the next storm and I was grateful. It was hidden in a cabinet in the forbidden part of the greenhouses.

It took a week for the next storm to roll through. Glad to be rid of my morning and evening daily incantation, I rushed down to the Greenhouses where Sprout and McGonagall waited.

“My child, you must do this part alone I am afraid,” Sprout placed a hand on my shoulder. “Remember, do not be afraid and remember the reason you do this. We will be right here when you return,”

I nodded and hugged her and McGonagall before finding a blood red potion in my phial as I hurried into the rain. I took out my wand and pressed it over where my heart was in my chest.

“Amato Animo Animato Animagus” I whispered.

Downing the potion, I felt a liquid fire in my veins as I cried out. I knew what to expect, I just never thought that it would cause this much agony. My heartbeat thundered in my ears, but it was off. There were four beats and the sound of rustling wings.

Before me, preening itself in the grass was a white barn owl, staring at me curiously.

“You must show no fear. It is too late now, to escape the change you have willed” The owl spoke.

“I am not afraid,” I gasped out.

My senses became sharpened and the rain that chilled my skin bounced off of white and bronze feathers. Disoriented, I stretched my arms—wings out and gave one gentle flap and soon I was off the ground, flying through the rain.

I let out a yell of victory, but all that came was a screech. I could see and hear everything around me. The patter of the mice in the fields below, the voices coming from the school, the thunder that rumbled in the distance.

It took a few tries, but I eventually ended up at the Hufflepuff tower, chirping at my window. Well, I was really calling for Abby, but it came out as chirps. The window opened and I fluttered in, knocking over s few things on my desk in my landing.

“Merlin, it’s you isn’t it?” Abby realized, grinning. “An owl!? Oh, my stars, Y/n!” I chirped excitedly, preening a few feathers, it had the same feeling as brushing my hair. “You have to tell him,” Abby sat at my desk. “He’s going to love this,”

I narrowed my eyes at her. I couldn’t tell Draco. Not yet. I had to get better at it. I had to practice. Then I could tell him.

“Well, go on, I need Y/n back, we have homework,” Abby shooed me out the window and I chirped at her, flying back to where I hid my wand.

The shift back took away the warmth and waterproofing of my Animagus, so I was soaked to the bone when I came back to Sprout and McGonagall. They looked to me expectantly.

“It worked,” I grinned, pushing my hair out of my face. “Thank you,”

“Well?” They both pressed.

“An owl,” I beamed. “I can fly,” It was euphoric.

“An owl,” Professor Sprout was delighted. “Oh, you’ve done very well my dear.”

“Very well indeed.” McGonagall smiled. “Now, off to bed. It’s almost curfew.”

I bid them both a goodnight and headed up to my dorm, where Abby and I freaked out a bit then settled down to work through homework. I sent a letter to my mother right away letting her know what happened. I debated on sending one to Draco, but hesitated. I’d rather tell him in person, or at least show him. But that would have to wait.

It took about two weeks of constant practice in the tree under the lake in the dead of night for me to get the transition smooth enough that I no longer needed the incantation before morphing.

As I was transformed into my owl, of which Abby named Pinnae, a familiar blond-haired boy made the trek down to the tree I was perched in. I watched as Draco sighed and sat down under the tree, a foot away from my wand. I rustled my feathers in dismay, flapping them anxiously.

Draco didn’t notice my semi frantic state. He just stared onto the moonlit lake. I knew that I couldn’t abandon my wand, but I also knew that I couldn’t just randomly show up where Draco was. Preening a few feathers, I nestled onto the branch and decided to wait him out.

“Where did I go wrong,” He asked the water lapping at the bank. “I thought I was protecting her...”

I tilted my head, fluttering to a lower branch.

“It was stupid to even think. Of course, she would hate me. Of course, she would leave,” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Maybe my father was right,”

I chirped, outraged. It still didn’t catch his attention. How was he supposed to be the Slytherin Seeker if he was missing the obvious? He leaned back, his fingers brushing the tips of my wand, and he finally noticed. Taking it into his hold, he inspected it.

“Y/n?” He whispered softly. “Y/n!?” He rose immediately, looking around frantically. “Y/n!? Where are you!?” Taking out his own wand he called a Wand-Lighting Charm.

I squinted at the bright light and moved a few branched away from it.

“No, no, no.” He paced. “No! This... I did everything right! I left her so she would be safe! She has to be safe!” Despair was written across his face.

My heart soared at his words, knowing I had been right all along, as I glided to the ground, behind the tree out of Draco’s view, morphing out of Pinnae. Steadying myself on the tree, I rounded it, grabbing Draco’s hand, pulling him close and not letting him get a word in as I pressed my lips to his.

He pushed me away gently, looking me over frantically. 

“Y/n?” He gasped.

I rolled my eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck pulling him back into a kiss. As my fingers ran through the ends of his hair, he seemed to relax, wrapping his arms around my back, clutching me to his chest as he pressed his lips to mine harshly.

It was a violent kiss that relieved the past months frustration and anger and sadness, until there was nothing left but affection and need. His breath was hot on mine as his tongue slipped past my lips, making me weak at my knees. My fingers knotted themselves in his hair as he slowly backed me into the tree. Soft sounds escaped my lips and were met with low one from his.

His lips migrated from my lips to my jaw and down my neck.

“Draco,” I panted out. He hummed into my skin, not stopping. “Draco,” I chided a bit more harshly.

He pulled up, cupping my face.

“Don’t ever do that to me again,” His voice was desperate and commanding. “I thought... Merlin I thought they got you Y/n,”

I pulled him into a tight hug, burying my face in his shoulder. His arms coiled around me as he pressed me close. Tears slipped from my eyes as I inhaled deeply, not comprehending how much I really missed him. I was so focused on becoming an Animagus, that the sorrow and pain of his absence had no time to register until that moment.

“Please forgive me, Y/n,” He begged. “I thought I was keeping you safe. I did it to keep you safe,” His voice was shaky as he pleaded to me.

“I’m here,” I consoled, petting his hair softly. “I’m right here Draco,”

“I had to keep you safe from him. From them. It’s all coming Y/n,” He cried into my shoulder. “It’s coming and I can’t stop it,”

“It’s okay,” I whispered. “It’s okay Draco,” 

“How is any of this okay?” He asked miserably,

“Because you’ve got me, and I’ve got you,” I pulled away softly and stroked his cheek softly. “Yeah?”

He nodded.

“I still don’t know how to keep you safe,” He mumbled hopelessly. “Because I can’t keep ignoring you like this. It’s driving me mad.”

“Draco, honey, for someone as smart as you, you are incredibly dense,” I laughed softly. 

“What?” He backtracked. “Why?”

“Just... don’t freak out?” I slowly let him go, taking a few steps back. 

“Why?” He was growing more concerned. “Y/n? What did you do?”

I closed my eyes and pictured Pinnae in my mind, letting my heart beat with hers as I felt myself morph into my Animagus. Fluttering my wings, I looked up at him and chirped.

___________________________

“Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me,” Draco gaped at you—well, the small white and bronze barn owl that was in your place. “That’s why you didn’t speak for a month! I thought you were mad at me!”

The owl—you chittered at him and fluttered up to his shoulder where you pecked softly at his ear. Uncertain, he reached up and stroked the feathers upon your head. You nuzzled into his hand.

“You did this for me?” He whispered softly. 

You chirped and he took it as a yes.

He had to admit, it was brilliant. As an Animagus, you could be with him and easily hide when needed. And someone had to be on his side in the stars because your Animagus could also fly. He sat, carefully since you were still perched on his shoulder, under the tree, feeling quite different from when he had first gone out.

“Can I have my Y/n back please?” He asked the owl on his shoulder.

You hopped to the ground and he watched you morph back into a human, sitting beside him. He had never seen an Animagus so up close before. He finally noticed that since you had taken on the new form, your features shifted slightly. Your eyes were larger and more round, your pupils taking a darker hue, and your skin had lost some of its tan, favoring for a paler color.

You hugged your knees and watched the water of the lake, your face pensive. “I did apologize right?” He mused softly.

The smile he was looking for stretched across your face as your eyes landed on his. 

“Yes,” The word was warm. “I never lost faith in you Dray, and I missed you too,”

He smiled for the first time in two months and you rested your head on his shoulder watching the moonlight on the lake water. He knew it was getting late, but he didn’t want to lose this, and he didn’t want to lose you. It was mad torture taking himself away from you. It got to a point where Pansy started to ask him if he was okay. And right now, he was.

Sensing the late hour like him, you stood, offering your hand, and it was so familiar and comforting to him, this gesture. He followed you back to the castle, not protesting, as you crept down the hallways.

“Ms. Y/l/n,”

Draco stiffened and you froze beside him, closing your eyes and inhaling sharply.

Slowly you both turned, finding yourselves face to face with Dolores Umbridge in her awful pink robes, grinning wickedly. Draco took a small step in front of you protectively.

“I suppose you two have a reason for being out of bed at this hour?” She tutted, raising an eyebrow. “Miss Y/l/n, I believe I am speaking to you,”

You opened your mouth, and Draco could see that you were struggling to find the right words and not have a panic attack, which gave him an idea.

“It’s my fault Professor,” Draco spoke softly. “I made her come out. She has anxiety you see, and she’s supposed to get a potion from Madam Pomfrey, but she forgot tonight, and though she wanted to ignore it, I told her that it she shouldn’t and made her come with me to get it.”

“I see,” Umbridge narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips. “Well it is still past curfew, and students are not allowed out of the dormitories.”

“We’re prefects ma’am,” Draco smiled wickedly sweet. “We are allowed to patrol the school after hours to make sure no one else breaks curfew, and if you speak to my Head of House, I assure you it is my night to patrol,”

Umbridge tutted and spun on her heel, heading the way she came from. You sagged in relief beside him, rubbing your face.

“Are you alright?” He asked, worried.

A nod from you and his worry lessened. He paused, wanting to hug you, but not sure about the display of affection in public. So instead, he pulled you toward the hospital wing to actually get you a sleeping potion, and perhaps one for himself. You followed wordlessly.

You paused outside of your common room portrait, the small vial in your hands.

“You know I already have these in my room,” You muttered softly.

“I know,” He reached and tilted your chin up, your eyes meeting his.

There were a thousand things that he wanted to say to you but didn’t. There were so many questions to answer and things to figure out and tomorrow to face, and he didn’t know how to right then.

So, he leaned down and softly pressed his lips to your forehead.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Your words from the summer were now a promise on his lips.

You smiled and nodded, reaching up to stroke his cheek gently before disappearing behind your common room portrait.

____________________________________

“You’re back early,” Abby commented.

“I was right,” I muttered softly, curling up in my bed. “All this time, I was right,”

“Right about what?’ Abby looked up from her (my) book.

“He did it to protect me. That’s why he stayed away,” The words were a soft relief on my lips.

“You told him! You talked to him! Y/n!” Abby grew very excited, tossing the book aside. “What happened!?”

“Well... I was Pinnae, and he came down to the tree, and well he freaked out when he saw my wand and not me, and then I transformed back, and we kissed, and then yell at each other a bit, and...” I smiled at the memory and shrugged.

“Does this mean I can talk to Pansy again?” Abby asked hopeful.

I laughed and threw a pillow at her.

“You can talk to whoever you want,” I pointed out. “It’s not my fault you’re a chicken,”

Abby’s face became very red as she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“Wait, hang on, does this mean you two are together again?” Abby exclaimed.

“No? Yes? We were never together to begin with, and honestly, Draco’s right, this is dangerous.” My eyes looked out upon the stars hanging in the sky.

“You’re talking about You-Know-Who,” She realized softly.

I nodded and hugged a pillow. “I’m scared Abby. I don’t want to lose Draco over this. I’ve already lost too much,”

“You’re not going to,” Abby comforted. “Because you’re not alone, and you’re not the only one afraid,”

She looked around the room suspiciously and casted a few Silencing Charms, turning off the light before whispering to me:

“Harry Potter is teaching a Defense Against the Dark Arts class secretly here since that toad Umbridge wouldn’t know a Death Eater if it bit her on the nose,”

“What!?” I exclaimed to her shushing.

“We’re meeting in the Hog’s Head for a brief meeting and to see what’s going on,” She informed me.

“Who’s ‘we’?” I asked.

“Everyone who believes that You-Know-Who is back,”

 I nodded and hugged a pillow.

“You want to tell him, don’t you?” Abby chimed in.

“He would know more than anyone what we were up against,” I confessed into the darkness of the night. “I know I haven’t told you because I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but... his father is working for You-Know-Who.”

“What!?” It was my turn to shush her.

“That’s why they’ve been gone so much, his parents I mean,” I looked over to her. “Please don’t take it the wrong way Abby. Draco isn’t a part of it.”

“But his father is!” She insisted.

I gave her a pleading look and she took a sharp breath in.

“Please Abby,” Tears pricked my eyes. “I can’t be alone. I need you with me,” 

She nodded and sighed, smiling at me, rolling her eyes.

“Anything else?” She mused.

“He... he knew something was going to happen, the night Cedric... he didn’t know what. It’s why he asked me to go with him. He wanted to protect me from whatever it was,” I explained, tensing for her backlash.

“He didn’t tell anyone!?” She hissed.

“What was he supposed to say? ‘Hey, my dad’s a Death Eater and he and his buddies are going to do something on the night of the third task, but I don’t know what or where, but hey good luck’?” I gestured, vaguely imitating Draco’s mannerisms.

“Okay, you have a point,”

“It’s bigger than all of us Abby. You heard the Sorting Hat, we have to stick together,”

“I hate it when you’re right,” She muttered, flopping back on her bed. “Of course, I’m with you Y/n. Through thick and thin. Always,”

“Thank you, Abby,” I took a deep breath and smiled at her, before nesting into my covers, the ghost of Draco’s arms holding me pulling me through the night as a filled vial sat on my desk.

Dawn filtered in through the windows and I heard Abby get up, dressing for Quidditch practice. I left her to it and rolled over, going back to sleep. Since I had taken on my Animagus it was hard to fight my nocturnal instincts. Abby came back in some hours later, opening the curtains in an attempt to wake me again as she headed to the showers.

Blinking and squinting at the light, I groaned in defeat, starting my morning routine. Dressed and presentable, my bag over my shoulder and robes in my arms, Abby and I made out way to breakfast then to Double Potions with Snape.

“Hey Feathers,” I heard a familiar voice as I walked down the hall.

Turning I saw Draco’s smiling face as he left his little posse and came up beside me. Abby lingered and walked beside Pansy just behind us. His hand found mine almost timidly as we walked along.

“Are you really gonna call me that?” I feigned dismay.

“To annoy you, probably,” He grinned.

“So, are we doing this?” I gestured to our hands. “Like, really doing this?” He faltered, his face clouding with fear and second thoughts.

“Do you not want to?” Hurt colored his voice.

“No, I do! I do,” I appeased with a smile. “I just... well, I don’t know, you don’t seem like the kinda guy to...” I trialed off and shrugged.

“The way I see it,” He started, gesturing with his free hand. “Is that I’ve gone nearly mad trying to stay away from you,” — “He has! It’s pathetic,” Pansy chimed in from behind us, — “And well, my father can’t exactly get to either of us as long as we’re here, so... if you want to...”

I tried not to laugh as he stammered through his words, looking quite lost. His air of confidence had fled him completely. I might have failed a bit at not laughing because he started to sulk.

“Draco,” I chuckled, catching up to him as he surged ahead of me. “Of course, I want to go out with you,” 

“Really?” He stopped short.

I rolled my eyes and nodded, taking his hand again. 

“Finally,” Pansy and Abby muttered from behind us.

All week eyes were on Draco and me. Some were glaring and muttering, others—mainly from Hufflepuff—were grinning. It left Draco and I both various shades of red through the days. Trying to find a quiet moment together was another matter. It always seemed as if Umbridge stalked wherever we were, like she had it out for me. And if it wasn’t Umbridge, Draco had Quidditch practice, or class, or we had prefect duty—never on the same night.

“We have got to find a way to sneak you into the Slytherin common room,” He huffed one night, sitting beside me at dinner.

Our friend group now had a weird mix of Slytherin and Hufflepuff: Vincent, Gregory, Pansy, and Blaise from Slytherin; Abby, Ernie, Emme, and Taylor from Hufflepuff. No one really snapped at another. It all seemed to be set aside for the sake of letting Draco and I spend some time together. I had a sneaking suspicion that Abby and Pansy had dealt a bit of threats in the beginning, but now it was almost unnaturally natural.

“Gee,” Abby drawled. “It’s too bad. You should send him owls instead,” Her flat look made me realize that Draco and I were quite stupid.

“Oh,” I giggled. “Yeah. I guess that would work,”

Draco rolled his eyes and shook his head in dismay. I cuddled his arm and went back to eat, the conversation shifting to the Hogsmeade trip coming up in a few days. I threw Abby a look, and she gave me one back.

Tell, she signed, pointing to Draco.

Know, I signed back. Tonight,

“What are you two doing?” Vincent asked Abby and me.

“Y/n and Abby learned sign language while Y/n couldn’t talk so they could still communicate,” Pansy rolled her eyes as if it were obvious.

I raised an eyebrow at Abby, wondering just how much time she had spent with Pansy.

Changed into pajamas, I reminded Abby to leave the window open as I transformed into Pinnae and flew into the cloudless night. I circled the castle a few times, more or less patrolling, before swooping down and landing onto the windowsill of a blond haired Slytherin.

“Hello there, Feathers,” Draco smiled, stroking the feathers on top of my head; I chirped and nipped playfully at his fingertips. “The room is empty and locked. You’re safe.”

I fluttered onto his bed and stretched my wings, transforming back into my human from, blinking away the disorienting feelings of my senses changing. His bed was made properly, something that mine never was. My bed had become more of a nest since my change and I didn’t really change it. I absentmindedly began to rearrange his pillows, nesting.

_______________________________

Smiling to himself, Draco stood, closing the window, leaning against a bedpost, watching you reposition his pillows leaving chaos in your wake.

“So, I’m assuming there’s something you need to tell me? That you and Abby were signing about today?” He mused, not without noticing that your wardrobe was similar to his own: an old t-shirt and house themed sweats.

“Yes, and I need you to not freak out,” Your voice was timid as you held a pillow in your lap.

“When have I ever—” A look from you and he decided to not finish that thought.

“Can you cast Silencing Charms, please?” Your eyes darted around the room.

“Why would I—”

“Draco,” You chided, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath.

It dawned on him that you were trying very hard to keep your anxiety under wraps, so he placed the charms without further protest and sat on the end of his bed, looking to you expectantly. A minute passed before you spoke. Your eyes didn’t leave the green duvet under your fingers.

“Harry Potter is going to teach a Defense Against the Dark Arts class secretly.” You paused, gauging his reaction but he gave nothing away. “There’s a recruitment meeting during the Hogsmeade trip. Abby’s going,”

A beat of silence.

“And you’re going,” He pieced together.

You confirmed with a small nod, still not looking up.

Draco stood and paced away from the bed, deep in thought. His mind recoiled around Harry Potter with a deep-seated hatred and betrayal. It was outrageous that Potter thought he could pull this off. But when he looked to you, the worried look on your face, it spun a new narrative.

Harry had gone against the Dark Lord last year and had a lot of experience—more than the rest—with dealing with dark magic. Though the papers spun ridiculous narratives about Harry and Dumbledore and denied the Dark Lord’s return, Draco knew better. He also knew that Umbridge’s lessons were to pacify the threat of an uprising at Hogwarts.

Then of course, there was you. His sweet, kind Y/n. The notion of you going against any Death Eater had him furious. Voldemort could take the world and he wouldn’t care, as long as you were safe. But he also knew the fire in you to do what was right. Not that it was a Hufflepuff thing. It was a you thing. Factoring in the death of your father and Cedric, he knew exactly why you wanted to do this. And to be honest, it made him feel better that you would train to be able to protect yourself of Merlin forbid, you do go against a Death Eater.

“Okay,” Draco nodded. 

“Okay?” You squeaked.

Coming to you and sitting beside you, gathering you into his arms he pressed a kiss to the top of your head. He wasn’t nervous to be around you when you were alone with him. He had spent months overcoming that fear while wishing for you. It brought back the happy memories of the summer and all the days he never had with you to do this. His mother was never very affectionate and his father even less, so when you subtly approved of his attempt at physical affection with your own, a few more fears and hurts were left behind.

“Though I cannot stand Potter,” Draco gritted. “If anyone can teach you, it’s him. And I want you to be able to protect yourself,”

You looked up through your eyelashes at him, not smiling, but pensive again. 

“Why do you hate him so much?” The question was soft.

Draco inhaled sharply and your gaze fell.

“Or not, you don’t have to tell me,” It wasn’t guilt striking, but understanding.

“I grew up hearing of Harry Potter, as I’m sure you did,” You nodded, verifying. “And as a kid with...” He scowled, trying to find the right words. “I always thought that he’d be my best friend... and then he chose Weasley and that mud—” You hit his arm. “—Granger,” He amended, his father screaming blood traitor in his head. “Eleven years of waiting for someone to be cast aside,” Draco shook his head. “And now he gets every easy way out.”

“I can’t pretend to know how that feels,” You whispered softly, rubbing his arm, “But... you were sort of a prick back then. Not that I’m defending him!” You clarified quickly. “But...”

“But maybe I wasn’t worthy to be his friend,” He divulged softly. “Or anyone’s friend for that matter,”

“Well, you’re a pretty great friend now,” Your tone was warm as you smiled up at him. “Or at least you’re working on it,”

He rolled his eyes and playfully pushed you into the pillow mound you had made. A laugh escaped your lips as you whacked him with the pillow in your lap. He took the pillow from your hands easily, and you threw your hands up in surrender, giggled bubbling from your lips. Throwing the pillow onto your pile he laughed and tackled you, wrestling you until you were pinned beneath him.

Panting beneath him, you went doe eyed as you wiggled under his grip. Your tongue darted between your lips, taunting him to come and follow. So, he did.

His lips met yours as he leaned down. It was better than his memory served him. Soft, warm, and inviting. Your hands struggled against his, and he released them. Immediately they found their home in his damp hair. It drove him insane as you’d knot your fingers into his hair, pulling him deeper into the kiss.

Desire burned in his chest, knowing that you were his right now, willingly inviting him. Soft sounds left your mouth as his won the victory of dominance. He longed to kiss every inch of your skin, and now, the only thing that could stop him was you. And you weren’t raising a complaint.

His lips trailed your jaw as it did before, his ears drinking in your soft pants, your hands slipping down the collar of his shirt. Draco shed it without a second thought. Your eyes lingered on his form, your hands trailing down his chest, featherlight. It made him shudder.

“Y/n,” He warned softly, taking your hand, pressing kisses to every inch of your skin, trailing down your wrist.

“I know,” You murmured softly.

There was nothing more he wanted than to keep pushing his luck. He wanted to see how far you’d let him go, but a small voice in his head stopped him. He wanted to do this right and he knew that neither of you were ready.

Leaning down and pressing a kiss to your forehead, he moved from his position on top of you to laying beside you. You turned your head and faced him, your hand trailing down his face, jaw, neck, and chest, leaving goosebumps in your wake.

“This is new, huh?” You pondered softly. “I’ve never...”

“Neither have I,” He clarified. “But I will do this right,” he pressed a kiss to your inner wrist. 

“Always the gentleman,”

Draco chuckled and pulled the covers over you and himself. You curled up on his chest without a second thought, your fingers tracing random patterns on his skin. His wand within reach, he undid the lock on the door and the charms, pulling two of the three curtains closed on his bed.

“Are you going to stay all night?” He asked softly.

Your eyes were closed, a soft smile on your face. They peeked open, however, at his question. 

“Do you want me to stay?”

It took everything in him not to snark at you. You settled back onto his chest, making the decision. You stretched out on his bed—and he was grateful that it was bigger than the hospital wing bed—as you intertwined your legs with him, yawning.

He reached into his bedside table drawer and handed you a recognizable vial. Draco may or may not have spent a few weeks perfecting the Sleeping Potion so that he’d always be able to have it on hand for you. His Anxiety and Thoughts Potions weren’t quite up to par however, so those would have to wait.

Watching you sleep in his arms he felt like he was in a different world. One where Dark Lords and Death Eaters didn’t loom over him. It was a safe haven. He could still scent the shampoo in your hair mixed with the woodsy air that had dried it as you flew over.

Maybe fairytales weren’t so stupid after all. 

_________________________________

I grumbled when my pillow started to move. Squinting into the morning, I saw Draco sitting up on the edge of the bed, rubbing his face. It had to be early because dawn was barely peeking through the widows. Wordlessly, I reached out, my fingers barely brushing his warm skin. He jumped and turned. His panic settled when he caught sight of me.

“Morning,” He whispered softly. “Quidditch,” He answered the question written on my face.

I yawned and stretched, sitting up. It should have been a crime, being up this early for any reason on a Saturday.

“You need to get back before you get into trouble, Feathers,” He murmured softly, leaning over to press a kiss to my forehead.

“Don’t call me that,” I grumbled, staggering on my way to standing.

He laughed softly and ensnared me in his arms.

“Stay safe out there,” I murmured softly, my words slurring slightly. “The weather’s changing,”

“Have you ever morphed when you’re tired like this?” Concern was written in his features. “Or flown?”

I shook my head, leaning against him, the bed behind him looking more inviting by the second.

 “You’re not going to fly then,” He instructed. “It’s too dangerous,”

“M’fine,” I mumbled.

“Y/n,” He chided. “Come on, I’ll walk you back to your dorm then head to practice.”

“People will talk,” I laid my head on his shoulder knowing that the sleeping potion was not worn off completely as it tried to drag me back under.

“They always talk Y/n. My number one priority is keeping you safe,” He set me on the bed and walked to his armoire.

I laid back on his bed and closed my eyes, yawning. When I opened my eyes again, Draco was dressed in his Quidditch robes—looking rather handsome—his school robe hanging over his shoulder.

“Come on sunshine,” He chuckled, pulling me up. “We need to go before I’m late,”

“You look hot in your Quidditch robes,” I mumbled into his shoulder as I rested against him for support.

I left his laugh shake through his frame and Draco was laughing, shaking his head, still looking quite dashing.

“Merlin, you’re cute when you’re tired,” He draped his school robe around my shoulders as he led me quietly through the Slytherin common room.

“I’ll meet you later and we can head to Hogsmeade,” He promised softly, standing outside of my common room portrait.

I nodded and we parted ways. I stumbled up to my room, in an attempt to catch another hour or two of sleep that came quite easily. I didn’t curl under the covers, instead Draco’s school robes were large enough and comforting enough to draw me back to sleep.

I stood with Abby in line to get cleared by Filch on our way to Hogsmeade. The caretaker eyed my suspiciously and nodded, letting me through. Abby found Draco before I did, well, she found Pansy, that was. And Draco was beside Pansy.

“How was practice?” I asked, shifting my bag from one shoulder to the other. “Alright, how was sleeping?” He teased lightly, taking my hand.

“Yeah how was sleeping?” Abby asked pointedly. “I thought you said you’d only be gone for like an hour,”

“Well...” 

“We...” 

“I...” 

“Um...”

Abby and Pansy both burst out laughing. Draco and I turned red as we made our way to Hogsmeade. I could feel it in the air—maybe it was Pinnae—that the weather was changing. Fall was coming quickly, and the winter held something dangerous. The hair on my arms stood on end, ready for something that couldn’t be seen.

“Be safe,” Draco murmured softly as we paused at the break off in the road that lead towards the Hog Head—the meeting place.

I nodded and sighed softly, pressing up on my ties, leaving a kiss on his cheek before Abby and I headed down the trail together. I thought I caught the same gentle goodbye between Pansy and Abby, but I couldn’t be too sure. Ernie called out to us and we saw a small group of other students heading our way. Though they cast side glances at Draco and Pansy, they said nothing. As a pack we headed to the dodgy bar.

The Hog’s Head bar comprised one small, dingy, and very dirty room that smelled strongly of something that might have been goats. The bay windows were so encrusted with grime that very little daylight could permeate the room, which was lit instead with the stubs of candles sitting on rough wooden tables. The floor seemed at first glance to be earthy, though as I stepped onto it, I realized that there was stone beneath what seemed to be the accumulated filth of centuries.

It made my skin crawl and my senses tell me to run and leave the place as soon as possible. I gritted my teeth and clung to the strap of my bag.

The lot of us—Ron, Hermione, and Harry, Fred and George Weasley, Neville with Dean and Lavender, Parvati and Padma Patil, Cho and one of her friends, sweet Luna Lovegood; then five more clad in Gryffindor colors that I didn’t quite know the names of; Ernie, Justin, Hannah, along with Abby and I; three Ravenclaw’s I didn’t know either; Ginny Weasley, followed by Zachariah of the our Quidditch team, and bringing up the rear—all sat around a dingy table and one of the twins (Fred I think) ordered butterbeers for the lot. I politely declined mine knowing it would only make me more anxious to have caffeine.

I listened to Hermione as she explained the reasoning for starting this group and nodded silently in agreement. Then Zachariah—in his normal stuck up fashion that I loathed—protested against Voldemort being back and an argument broke out. I clenched my fists and Abby’s hand covered mine, in comfort or as a reminder to not lash out.

“—I saw him. But Dumbledore told the whole school what happened last year, and if you didn’t believe him, you don’t believe me, and I’m not wasting an afternoon trying to convince anyone.” Harry snapped.

I flinched when Zach said Cedric’s name in an argument against Harry, gritting my teeth and soon Abby really would have to stop me from lash out against him.

“I believe him,” I snapped at Zach, sneering. “So, get off your high horse Zach or leave,”

Everyone stared at me, most looking impressed. Zach grumbled something that sounded like “Slytherin lover,” but I ignored it and the focus shifted back to Harry, who stammered out a thanks and continued.

“Is it true,” Abby interrupted Harry as he fumbled for words, “that you can produce a Patronus?” 

There was a murmur of interest around the group at this.

“Yeah,” said Harry slightly defensively.

“A corporeal Patronus?” Abby pressed.

“Er — you don’t know Madam Bones, do you?” he asked.

Abby smiled. “She’s my auntie,” she said. “I’m Abby Bones. She told me about your hearing. So — is it really true? You make a stag Patronus?”

“Yes,” said Harry.

There were many exchanges of surprise and all around the group was impressed. I knew that Harry would be a good teacher because creating a corporeal Patronus was no easy feat. I remember my mother telling me that one day I would find my own and it would watch over me as my father did.

When I tuned back into the conversation, Fred and George were threatening Zach again. I threw a glare his way and again he backed down. Soon it was discussed on what night and the topic of Quidditch practice circled around—of course when we met would have to coincide with those. Then there was the matter of the actual Defense Against the Dark Arts class and Umbridge.

“We think the reason Umbridge doesn’t want us trained in Defense Against the Dark Arts,” said Hermione, “is that she’s got some . . . some mad idea that Dumbledore could use the students in the school as a kind of private army. She thinks he’d mobilize us against the Ministry.”

The words struck familiar because Draco said something similar the night before about an uprising, it was true in a sense. The lot of us were going to rise against the evils of the wizarding world, whether they were a part of the Ministry or Death Eaters.

The conversation shifted again, and Hermione began to pass around a paper to sign, promising we wouldn’t tell anyone about what was going on. I let myself slip to the back of the crowd as others signed, knowing that I couldn’t. My hands started to shake softly as I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. I knew I couldn’t keep this from Draco.

As people began to leave after signing, Hermione, Ron, Harry, Abby and I were the only ones left. Anxiety gripped my chest as my palms became clammy and my breathing hitched. It was ridiculous to get a panic attack about this, but I knew I couldn’t sign that paper.

Hermione caught my eye and something odd passed between us. Maybe she saw the fear in my eyes or Abby’s glare. Maybe she knew that I was with Draco. Maybe she was judging me because she knew that the reason, I didn’t want to sign was because of him.

“Ron, Harry, go on ahead. I need to talk with Y/n,” Hermione said with no room for argument.

“Make sure she signs, I don’t want her blathering to Malfoy,” Harry glared me down. “I don’t know if I even want her here,”

I clenched my fists and shook slightly, a thousand replies at my lips. None of them were nice, so I held them in my mouth, not to be let loose. Abby was ready to fight but with a seldom shake of my head she stormed out of the bar.

“Go,” Hermione snapped. “And stop being such a git,”

Harry grumbled and sulked out of the bar—an action that was almost reminiscent of something that Draco would do.

“Hermione,” I began.

“I know,” She stopped me. “But you have to understand how vital this is,”

“I know that,” I breathed out. “Please Hermione, you have to trust me, and I know I really shouldn’t ask this, but trust him too?” I pursed my lips trying to find the right argument. “He said if anyone could teach me how to defend myself, Harry could,”

“He said that?” Hermione gasped, whatever argument she had lined up fell. I nodded and pressed on.

“I know he’s not your favorite person. It took us almost two years to get where we are now, and even then...” I shook my head and shrugged. “They deserve a chance too Hermione. And we both know a Slytherin can’t just walk into one of these meetings without...”

“Without being accused of sabotage,” Hermione supplied, and I bobbed my head. “Alright,” She sighed. “You don’t have to sign the paper, but I need to know what you tell Draco. Every word.”

I sagged in relief, rubbing my face. A thanks left my lips as my chest slowly unwound itself from the knot of agitation.

“You think there’s a chance?” Her question was soft and quiet. “For any of them to...”

“I didn’t before, but now... now there just might be,” I replied as we both exited the Hog’s Head.

Draco met me in the same spot where we parted ways, but he had a few bags from around the village in his hands. He gave me a questioning look, and his eyes flitted to Hermione beside me.

“Hermione,” He greeted politely.

A smile touched my lips as I took his hand.

“Draco,” She stammered before hurrying off to where Harry and Ron were waiting. 

“How’d it go?” He asked, taking me through the small village.

“Pretty okay,” I smiled. “I’ll tell you about it later,”

He nodded and the topic slipped form conversation completely as he went more in depth to how Quidditch practice went at my request. I stopped into a few shops—Honeyduke’s to restock my sweets stash, taking care into what I purchased, then to Scrivenshaft’s for a few new quills and ink. Now that OWLs were coming up, I took greater care into rewriting my notes and drawing diagrams and I needed finer tipped quills and more No-Run No-Mess ink.

Draco hovered or stood close by all the while. We didn’t speak much of anything other than light conversation. I learned a lot about him in those hours: like I missed his birthday this year even though we were “together” more or less. It was a few days before the third task, and he didn’t think to mention it. I rolled my eyes and vowed that next year we would do something. He pointed out that he also missed mine and he talked to me the day of—February 23rd, the day before the second task.

“Well, then obviously you owe me,” I grinned.

“Don’t you owe me then?” He mused, raising an eyebrow.

“I dunno, you don’t seem to be holding it against me,” I smirked, swinging his hand playfully as we walked along.

“There are a lot of things I’d like to hold you against,” He purred softly in my ear making me flush bright red.

He laughed victoriously and I huffed, taking my hand from his and folding my arms defiantly— all of my shopping bags were in his other hand at his insisting. He caught my waist still laughing.

“You’re really going to pout about that?” He snickered.

Rolling my eyes, I let him off easier than I probably should have and we enjoyed the rest of the afternoon together: meeting Abby and Pansy for lunch then heading back to the castle to spend the clear skied day out in the sun under what seemed to be our tree now.

After dinner I was exhausted and dragging my feet. Draco took notice and ordered me to bed. 

“We have to talk about today,” I protested. “Don’t you want to know?”

“I do,” He confirmed and placed his hands on my shoulders. “But I stand by what I said this morning, I don’t want you flying when you’re tired. It’s too dangerous for you.” My face must have given away my annoyance. “Not that I don’t believe in your ability and I love that you did it for me, but there’s no need to get into any unnecessary danger, yes?”

I sighed and nodded.

“Now off to bed with you,” A smile returned to his face. “Go read some of your book and go to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow,”

It touched me how well he knew my nightly routine. It was the small and soft moments that reaffirmed that he could change and care about someone other than himself.

“Goodnight Draco,” I whispered softly.

“Goodnight Feathers,” He grinned softly and pressed a chaste kiss to my lips. 

_________________________________

It wasn’t until Monday night that you finally explained what happened at the meeting at the Hog’s Head. You told him of the deal you made with Hermione as well and he agreed. He wanted to gain trust and he knew he had to start small—he learned that from you.

Draco also may or may not have completely flipped out when he heard of Potter’s owl being attacked. He was very close to banning you from flying but refrained. You weren’t exactly his to control, and he already told you that you weren’t allowed to fly when you were tired. He didn’t want to overdo it and lose you. You weren’t one to be reined in and trapped.

He anxiously awaited your return Wednesday night when you told him there was a meeting. He had Quidditch practice that night. He spent the entire time worrying about you and almost got a Bludger to the face a few times. Pansy told him to shape up and focus or she’d ground him. So, he shoved you out of his head and played better.

It was nine thirty before he got an owl from you—not you as an owl. You promised you wouldn’t fly for a few days after seeing his distress.

~

Dray,

I’m back safely. Stop pacing the common room and go to bed. There wasn’t any trouble. Abby and I studied disarming spells tonight. It was sort of fun despite the looming OWLs coming.

I’m sending a copy of this to Hermione as well, she agreed to help me study and wants updates to what I’ve accomplished.

Goodnight,

Feathers

~

Draco smiled at how cunning you were disguising the events of your night in a letter. He knew that if it had been intercepted at all, no one could track you down for doing anything against Umbridge’s ridiculous rules.

You had meetings almost once a week, and always when he had Quidditch practice it turned out. Draco knew it was smart to have the D.A. meetings when the Slytherins were at the pitch, but it

wasn’t very good for his skills. He was panicky and not as focused as he should have been. But a comfort to him, you sent a letter every night afterward in the same cryptic remarks that you had done the first time.

“The meetings are stopping for a while,” You informed him, perched on his windowsill—that nearly gave him a heart attack, but you looked well at home—as he walked in after Quidditch practice.

“Oh?” He asked, starting to take off his gear.

You smiled and hopped down, closing the window behind you.

“Angela is going crazy with Quidditch practice... some big match coming up against a certain team...” You feigned ignorance as you sat on his bed, leaning against a post.

“Yeah?” He smirked. “She worried then,” That was a vote of confidence.

“Well I would be,” You purred. “Seeing how incredibly tantalizing the opponents look. It’s quite distracting I must say, having to look at your face and focus.” A grin stretched across your face.

He rolled his eyes at your antics but couldn’t stop the ego boost you had given him, nor the blush that rose in his cheeks as he shed the rest of his robes and heading to the showers, not without pressing a kiss to your lips first.

The week prior to the match, tensions were high between Gryffindor and Slytherin, and Draco unbeknownst to you, gave in a time or two, mocking Weasley when he could. In his defense, the youngest Weasley was an awful player—too anxious to stay on form. Sort of what he imagined if you wanted to play Quidditch. The thought stopped him in his tracks and maybe he wasn’t so patronizing to Ron any longer.

Along with the match, snow settled onto Hogwarts, forcing him to pull out his winter gear earlier than usual. He remembered you mentioned something about the weather off hand on your trip to Hogsmeade. He also almost had a heart attack when he saw you walking down the halls without a sweater or scarf when the rest of the student body was shying away from the cold weather.

“You’re going to give yourself away Feathers,” He hissed, quickly wrapping his scarf around you. “I know you might not be cold because of Pinnae, but Y/n,”

“Sorry,” You rushed out, readjusting his scarf so it hung correctly. “I didn’t think, and I was late this morning...”

Draco sighed and pulled you under his arm and walked you to your next class as you’d been accustomed to. He never did get that scarf back.

The morning of the match he caught sight of you in the Great Hall at breakfast—in a Slytherin robe and scarf. His heart skipped a beat before he recovered. He really needed to remember to get his stuff back from you. He soon decided that it didn’t matter when you lit up upon seeing him and waved. Your friend group was dressed in various shades of green—Abby also had a green and silver scarf on that he knew belonged to Pansy.

“You’re coming then?” He asked.

“I thought I’d try. And I asked Madam Pomfrey for extra Anxiety Potion. I really should just take it every morning but...” You shrugged and he could see the distress in your features still.

“Win or lose, I’m glad you’ll be there,” He pressed a kiss to your temple, wrapping and arm around your waist and pulling you close.

Up in the air, he spotted you in the crowd of students below him. You waved happily and gave him a thumbs up letting him know that you were alright. He nodded and kept his eyes out for the snitch. He watched as Harry bolted down and chased after him.

The Snitch skirted the foot of one of the goal hoops and scooted off toward the other side of the stands; its change of direction suited Draco. Harry must have pulled his Firebolt around, because he and Potter were now neck and neck...

Feet from the ground, Draco lifted his right hand from his broom, stretching toward the Snitch... to his right, Potter’s arm extended too, reaching...

It was over in two breathless, desperate, windswept seconds —Harry’s fingers closed around the tiny, struggling ball—Draco’s fingers scathed the back of Harry’s hand hopelessly—Harry pulled his broom upward, holding the struggling ball in his hand and the Gryffindor spectators screamed their approval.

Draco let out an aggravated scream and surged up to the sky barely noticing that Harry had been pelted with a Bludger. That made him feel slightly better.

Panting and still irritated, you appeared right beside him after pushing through the crowd under the stands.

“Are you okay?” Your voice was soft.

“Ask Potter,” He snapped, regretting it when your eyebrows furrowed slightly. “Sorry,” He mumbled miserably.

The Gryffindor team was hugging and cheering Harry on as the golden boy’s eyes landed on you, something in his eyes that he didn’t quite like.

“What’s that about?” He seethed.

“Nothing,” You answered a bit quickly. “Just Harry being Harry,” It sounded worn on your lips, like you had to keep reminding yourself of it.

“He’s been putting you through hell because of me, hasn’t he?” Draco demanded and you shrunk back, nodding to the ground. “Potter!” He roared, making his way toward Potter.

“Draco!” You ran after him, but he paid you no mind.

Harry could hate him all he wanted. Fine. Whatever. But he crossed the line when he started to take it out on you.

His Quidditch team quickly flanked him, Pansy on his right, as he faced down Potter and his team. Anger surged through his blood as he glowered at green eyes.

“Sore loser Malfoy?” Harry mocked, the Gryffindor laughing around him.

“This isn’t about Quidditch.” Draco spat. “You leave Y/n alone or you have something worse than a Bludger coming to you!”

“She is more than capable to protect herself,” Harry smirked. “But you wouldn’t know anything about that would you?” A few Gryffindors—he suspected the ones in DA—snickered.

Draco growled as Harry used his outcast status against him. Harry knew he wasn’t allowed to the DA meetings and pressed his advantage. What enraged him more was that it was a few hours a week that Harry had alone with you where Draco couldn’t protect you. In that moment, Draco became aware that he never wanted to be friends with someone like Harry.

“Draco,” Your voice was a soft beacon. “Please, it’s not worth it,” The brokenness in your voice shattered him.

Draco looked down and saw that your hand was on his shoulder, gently pulling him back, your eyes not meeting his. Draco’s eyes flashed up and met Pansy’s and Abby’s. There was one thing that Slytherins and Hufflepuffs had in common: loyalty.

“Hey Potter!” Pansy called. “It’s really bold of you to take all your anger out on Y/n because you can’t get ahead of Draco. Pathetic behavior,” Her words were sharp and calculated, and a grin curled across Draco’s face.

“It’s just as pathetic for you to hide behind a little Hufflepuff.” Harry spat. “You don’t fool me for a second Malfoy. You’ll always be just like your father,”

It was like a slap to the face.

“You wanna start talking about fathers, Potter?” Your voice was seething behind him as you emerged from behind him. “You know everyone looks up to you, and everything you’ve done, and maybe I did too, but now...” You shook your head, your face ridden with disgust. “Come on Dray, let’s go.”

And he did. He turned and started to walk away. 

Until Harry yanked back the wrong Slytherin robe.

You were on the ground—looking quite shocked, fear and tears in your eyes as you met his. 

Harry was dumbfounded.

Draco lunged.

_________________________________

When Harry was hit with a Stunning Spell and fell away from Draco in a fight that I couldn’t stomach to watch, I knelt beside Draco, who held his bleeding nose. Someone tried to come near the two of us, but I growled, a low throated sound I wasn’t aware I was capable of, and whoever it was backed off.

“Are you okay?” I asked, my hands brushing through his hair, allowing me to see more of his face.

“No,” He grunted, sitting up. “It’s fine, I can fix it.”

“You’re going to Pomfrey,” I demanded, leaving no room for argument. 

“Just get me to Snape.” He muttered, trying to stand.

I rose before him, helping him up. Every eye was on the two of us, but I paid them no mind. There wasn’t time or energy. His arm slung around my shoulder; we made our way into the castle towards Snape’s office.

“Miss Y/l/n,” Snape pursed his lips looking down his nose. “I am to assume you didn’t do this to him?” Something lingered behind the professors black eyes.

“It was Potter,” Draco muttered darkly.

In that moment I wondered if Snape knew about Draco’s relationship with his father...

“Potter,” Snape sneered, grabbing a vial from his desk drawer. “I’m assuming you’d like one as well Miss Y/n?” Snape asked, looking to me.

“Me?” I asked, frowning.

“Your hand is sliced as well as your arm,” He raised an eyebrow.

A curse slipped through my lips as I looked at my right arm. Sure enough blood was soaking through Draco’s robes and my white button-up.

“These are yours too,” I complained, taking the vial from Snape and downing it, the now noticeable stinging pain from my arm fading.

“That’s what you’re worried about?” Draco chuckled, looking better by the second. A smile touched my lips.

“Thank you, Professor,” I glanced to Snape. “For every time,” My hand rested on Draco’s shoulder.

Something passed between Snape and I, and it was almost odd, the sort of understanding we had. 

“Very well,” He muttered. “Now out you two, I have work to do,”

The walk back to our dorms was quiet. Since I was still in Slytherin gear the portrait didn’t comment as I walked through with Draco, nearly clinging to him. Without a word he took me up to his room and locked the door.

He shed his bloody gear quickly and then came to me, taking my—his—robe off and throwing it in with the pile. Pushing my sleeve back he examined my arm where it had been sliced on the rocks. Nothing was left but faded pink scars.

“I’ll kill that Potter,” He vowed. 

“I’m fine,” It was a weak lie.

Right now, I was just exhausted. Over the weeks I had taken snide remarks from Harry at DA and brushed them off for the greater good, but after today I didn’t know if I could stomach another meeting, or even being in the same room as Harry.

Pursing his lips and pressing gentle kisses to my scars, Draco handed me one of his green hours sweaters and headed to the showers. I changed quickly, my fingers curling in the oversized

sweater’s soft fabric. Again, I began to nest in his bed and cocooned myself in pillows and blankets.

He came back out, his hair sleeked back and damp, in sweats and a t-shirt. I didn’t lift my head; my eyes merely followed his form as he laid beside me in bed pulling me close. I reveled in his warmth and scent, my fingers mussing his hair like I had so long ago in the summer.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” His question was soft against my skin.

“I can handle a few comments,” I replied defeated. “I’m a Hufflepuff remember? If it’s not one thing it’s another,” I closed my eyes. “Abby, Ernie, and Hermione always stuck up for me,”

“Y/n. I don’t know if—” He started.

“I’m not going to another meeting, don’t worry,” My voice broke as tears finally started to fall.

“All I do is worry about you,” I could hear the smile in his voice as his fingers carded through my hair. “I’m so sorry,” A gentle kiss was pressed to my hairline.

“It was going to happen eventually,” My tone was glum.

Draco sighed and didn’t comment further. Whatever was in the vial that Snape had given us must have been parted with a Sleeping Potion because I found soft comforting slumber within Draco’s arms.

........................

“This is just getting ridiculous,” I heard a faint voice.

“Imagine if Umbridge knew,” Pansy snickered. “Her golden boy breaking about every rule she’s set,”

“Bugger off,” Draco grumbled groggily, his arms tightening around me. 

“They are too precious,” Abby sighed. “Sun and moon they are,”

“Such a sap aren’t you Abby?” Pansy teased. “Though no one could tell with you next to Maria von Trapp over here,”

I frowned and squinted into the morning light.

“When did you see the Sound of Music?” I asked Pansy, “And why didn’t you tell me you were watching it?” I looked to Abby.

“You were occupied,” Abby grinned, looking over to Draco.

“What’s the Music Sound?” Draco asked sitting up, running a hair through his disaster of a hairstyle.

“The Sound of Music,” I corrected. “One of my favorite movies,” I accused Abby with my tone.

 “Muggle stuff?” Draco mumbled into my shoulder still not completely awake.

“Yes dear,” I smiled and rolled my eyes.

“Like Narnia?” He pressed further.

“Something like that,”

Abby and Pansy both snickered and left Draco’s room. I laid back in bed, pulling Draco onto my chest, petting his hair softly. It was a soft morning filled with lazy kisses and gentle touches. It being Sunday there was no real reason to get up other than food.

The day was spent in desperate hopes to forget the day before. Abby dropped off clothes for me when she came and I silently thanked her, heading to Draco’s bathroom, taking a quick shower and dressing. Snow still covered the grounds, so I slipped Draco’s sweater back over my head as we headed to the Great Hall.

All eyes were on us as we entered. It wasn’t a new occurrence; I was just afraid to meet familiar green eyes. To my comfort, I didn’t. Draco and I ate in peace surrounded by my friends and his. In fact, they formed a makeshift protective bubble around us unknowingly. Any Gryffindor coming near the two of us would get a cold glare from someone in green or yellow. I didn’t like the animosity, but the quietness was nice for once.

November passed like the snow that fell. I didn’t go to another Quidditch match, even though the next one was Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Abby understood, muttering something about shoving a broomstick and Harry, but I didn’t ask her to repeat it. I didn’t go to another DA meeting either. I watched the dates change on the charmed Galleon, sighed and slipped it back into my pocket.

“I still want you to be able to protect yourself,” Draco said one night as we studied in the library.

“I’m not going back there,” I snapped stubbornly and sighed. “I can’t... It makes me anxious just thinking about it Dray, and I have midterms and OWLs... and Pinnae has been driving me insane because I haven’t let her out,”

“Okay,” Was all he said with a soft smile. “How about we go let her out now?” 

“Now?” It was the middle of a Saturday the afternoon in mid-December.

Draco shrugged. “As riveting as Niffler Knacks is, I think we need a break,” He closed the book and stood.

In the quiet of my room I morphed into Pinnae and fluttered out the window, flying to the tree beside the frozen lake where I promised to meet Draco. Landing on his shoulder with practiced ease, he pet my head softly and watched as I soared into the sky again. Draco was right, I needed this. The brisk wind in my feathers and the beautiful snow-covered mountains nestling the frozen lake... it took my mind off of everything below me.

On the ground below I had burdens to bear and the world looked so small. There were no doubts or fears from up here. Floating on the wind, I glided through the clouds. From up here everything was mine, every mountain and frozen meadow and there was no reason to cry or fear anything. I let out a victorious screech.

Soaring, I dove back towards the earth, banking left hard, circling around Draco and our tree. Abby and Pansy had joined him, holding hands. Abby waved and cheered me on. Pansy looked confused and Draco just beamed at me.

I flapped against the wind, slowing down and coming to a stop, chirping at my friends. 

“Hey there Feathers,” Abby beamed. “You wanna tell her?” She gestured to Pansy.

I chirped and fluttered to Draco’s shoulder, nuzzling his face before flying up to a low hanging bare tree branch.

“Tell me what?” Pansy asked. “Whose owl is that? Is it Y/n’s?”

I morphed out of Pinnae and watched shock fill her features.

“Actually,” I grinned, swinging my legs, perched on the tree branch. “It is me,”

“Will you get down from there?” Draco scolded.

“Wait, but—that means... and— wait.” Pansy stuttered.

Abby laughed and so did I dropping easily to the ground with a soft thud, cuddling into Draco’s warmth.

“But—” Pansy looked around. “How? No wait—you didn’t talk for a month! That’s why! Has anyone told you that you’re absolutely brilliant!?” Pansy laughed.

“Draco might have mentioned that,” I grinned, looking up at him.

“What’s it like?” She asked. “Have you picked up owl traits? How often do you fly? Can you understand other owls? Other animals?”

“Pansy,” Draco snapped, I merely laughed.

“It’s amazing, yes, this is the first time in a month, not that I know of for the last two,” I answered with ease.

We all walked back to the castle coupled off and huddling from the cold—well, I was huddling into Draco’s comfort, the cold didn’t bother me anymore.

Christmas was all abuzz in the halls of Hogwarts and not even Umbridge could dampen the student body’s spirits. With a few days left of the term, we could all taste the freedom, the past months events all but forgotten in my mind since the day out with Draco, Pansy, and Abby. I found out that Abby and Pansy had gotten together after the fight in November—something about defending each other against other Gryffindors then kissing each other?

For the first time in my life, I looked forward to the holidays.

 Epilogue:

“My mother invited you and your parents over for Christmas Eve,” I told him the last day of term, handing him a sealed letter. “I know it’s a long shot but...” a shrug left my shoulders.

“My mother might accompany me, my father...” Draco trailed off.

I righted his school robe, readjusting his scarf so that it hung correctly.

“Don’t stress about it Draco. Let me know if you need Pinnae.” I looked up at him through my eyelashes and watched his mask melt back off since I mentioned his father.

“I will,” He smiled and pressed a soft kiss to my lips.

.

.

Chapter 4

End Note: Please let me know what you think! Your words and reblogs are so important to me always! Don’t be afraid to reblog and comment! I’m nice I swear!

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[punkpanda16]

The Way I Loved You

Pairing: Namjoon x Reader, Yoongi x Reader 

Word Count: 2.5k+

Summary: Five years later your heart still breaks sometimes. Sometimes we just want to understand why life isn't fair. We want the answers to our pain. And sometimes we meet other who may not have the answers but at least they understand.

Author’s Note: This just something that came to mind after listening to Taylor Swift’s That’s the Way I Loved You. 10/10 recommend listening while reading :). This is dabble not related to Mistakes and Miracles.  

Warning: Fluff, Smut, A LOT of ANGST Death of character ( please be warned if triggering). Please excuse mistakes it is unedited. I just wanted to post something today

------------------

It never was that I couldn't bring myself to love him. He’s perfect. He holds open doors for me. He pulls out my chair at restaurants.. He remembers things about me that no one even seems to notice. He understands boundaries and knows just what to say when I need him.

He is everything my single friends gush over. The man my father could sit next to and talk to about almost anything. He’s the prince from all those fairy tales my mother read to me. She even says men like him are rare and worth keeping. 

Namjoon is everything I could never ask for and a million times more. In many ways, I am so deeply in love with him that it hurts. But the way I loved Min Yoongi was different. 

Yoongi was the opposite of everything Namjoon is. The fights, the tears, the screaming. He never called when he said he would. He never knew how to talk about his feelings. Staying up until 2am cursing his name was so common it became normal. However, nothing compared to the way we kissed in rain. The way I loved him. 

-Flashback- 

“Yoongi! Stop pulling where are going?” You yell as he leads you up a path. 

“Trust me, baby. You’re going to love this.” He says with a smirk on his face. 

“We need to go back soon or my dad is going to be mad. He said it’s going to rain soon.” You warn.

“Look baby, I don't care what your daddy thinks. Just trust me.” He says with a laugh as you pout.

“Well you should care. He has a hard enough time accepting you as it is. Don’t even get me started about what my mom thinks.” You begin ranting until you are cut off with a sweet kiss on your lips. 

There was nothing wrong with Yoongi. You honestly thought he was the exact man your parents wanted for you. He went to school and worked 2 jobs to pay for school. He was charming and funny. He could be forgetful and confrontational but everyone has their flaws. You could never understand why your parents didn’t approve of him. They said he was too crazy. Well it's true, he could be a little impulsive but he had never been a reckless person . He just wanted to experience everything as if the world would end tomorrow. He wanted to feel fulfillment in other aspects of life not just financially. 

“Baby do you love me?” He asked as he stared deeply into your eyes. 

“You know I do, Yoonie.” You say quietly. You knew where this was going. 

“Then fuck everyone and everything else in this world.” He gently grabs your hands. “Baby, if we have each other the world can burn to hell. You are the only thing in this world that could hurt me.” He ends with a kiss on your forehead. 

“You know one day we have to grow up. This...us... one day we will have to face the world.” You remind him. Growing up is really scary. 

“Baby, you are 21. I am 23. We are grown up.” he says with a smile. 

“You know what I mean.” You wine as you playfully slap his arm. “We are going to graduate soon. Then life just happens. Love won’t stop that.” You say sadly. 

He lifts your chin gently. “Well until that day comes I will store all my love for you so it will be enough for us to get through anything.” 

You let out a small laugh at his words. “Yoonie we know love doesn’t pay bills or fix real problems.” 

“It doesn’t have to pay for those things. It just has to make us happy. Happiness in what everyone really wants in life. When the day comes that we have to “grow up” we can figure it out. Okay?” He says sweetly. 

“Okay.” You say as  you return his smile. Who could resist that sweet gummy smile. 

“Okay enough about this sad shit. Let’s go live another happy day. “ He says as he begins to pull you away again. You both laugh as you run up the hill. Before reaching the top he covers your eyes. 

“What are you doing now, Yoonie.” You giggle. 

“Things are better when there is suspense.” He jokes. He walks a few more steps before removing his hands. 

“Okay look.” He whispers in your ear.

As you open your eyes the most beautiful site comes into view. You are standing at the highest point of the city. Lights going on for miles. While the world continued just a few miles away the world seemed to stop where you and Yoongi stood. 

“What do you think?” He asked nervously. It was sweet that even after 2 years in a relationship he wanted to impress you. 

“I love it.” You say as you pull him into a hug. 

You pull back and begin to kiss him sweetly. His hands make their way up your sides until they reach your hips. Just as he pulls you closer and deepens the kiss it begins to rain. At first it’s a small drop but soon the sky opens up and it begins to pour. 

“Let’s go!’ he yells as you run back to his car laughing.

-Present- 

Things like that don’t just disappear from your mind. Especially, not on nights like this when Namjoon grips your hips like his life depends on it. His kiss is soft and sweet but you can sense his urgency. His hips begin to pick up speed as his moans grow louder. 

Lost in pleasure you thoughts run wild. Thoughts of how much you love Namjoon. How much you want his man. Thoughts that make you wish he would have been yours before Yoongi was. Life is just unfair. 

“Oh shit. Honey are you okay?” he asks as he slows down. He could always sense when you begin to slip away from him. He never got upset about it. He sometimes felt the same way you do. Yoongi was important to both of you after all. 

“Yes Joon. Please don’t stop.” You moan. 

“Are you sure baby? You know I understand and we can stop whenever you want. ” He asked quietly.

You reach up to kiss his nose the way you knew he loved. A small smile forms on his lips at your gesture. 

“I am sure Joon. I am okay. Sometimes my mind floats away but I am so lucky that you help hold me down.” You kiss him again this time on his lips. He reciprocates instantly as he deepens the kiss. 

He begins to move again. Slow at first as he kisses ever part of your exposed body that he can reach. 

“Joon baby you feel so good. Faster please.” You whine. He’s always so willing to please.

“Baby I’m close.” he warns

“Inside Joonie please. I need you inside.” You encourage him. He reaches down and rubs your most sensitive spot to get you both to reach your climax. A few strong thrusts later and you both reach it together. 

After a few moments of catching your breaths wrapped in each other's arms he gets up to clean you up. You are too tired emotionally and physically to move. Once he cleans you up, he joins you back in bed. He lays your spent body on his chest and rubs your back soothingly. 

“I hope this is the one. I can’t wait for us to have our first little one, my love.” He whispers in your hair. 

“Me too.” you hum as you inhale in sweet scent.

“Joon?” You lift your head to look him in the eyes. You find his eyes are closed in pure bliss. He hums in response but keeps his eyes closed.

“If we ever have a son...c-can we name him Yoongi?” You ask. It suddenly becomes too hard to look him in the eyes so you lower your head in embarrassment. Sensing your discomfort he reached down to lift your head to look back up at him.

“Of course we can, sweetie. Why do you look so ashamed to ask?” he frowns his brows in concern. 

“W-well you know me and Yoongi. We had a past. I love you more than life itself. You know that right?” you ask as tears begin to form in your eyes. 

“Of course I do baby. Why are you crying?” he asks as he wipes away your tears. 

-Flashback- 

“How many kids do you think we’ll have?” your question catching Yoongi off guard. He looked up with his cute surprised kitten face making coo. 

“K-kids?” He asks nervously. 

“Yeah kids. You know mini you or a mini me. A tiny little us.” You say with a bright smile, the one you knew he couldn’t resist. 

“I-I don't know. I don’t think I’d be a good dad, honestly.” he says sadly as he sees the smile drop from your face. 

“Why?” you ask as you take his cold hands in yours. 

“W-well ummmm,” he scratched his neck nervously, “for starters I can't get your dad to like me. Imagine how he’d react if I knocked you up.” 

“Wow “knock me up” how romantic.” you tease making a cute hue of red appear on his pale cheeks. 

“You know what I mean.” His bottom lip sticks out cutely. 

“I thought you couldn’t give a single fuck what my dad or, anyone for that matter, said about us?” you said jokingly. 

“W-well yeah. I don't but our kids are gonna need their grandparents so I’ll have to care then.” He explains.

“You're so sweet. See, you'll be a good dad if you already care about them like that. You would put your ‘I don't give a fuck’ attitude away just for them.” you say as you kiss his cheek making him blush more. 

“I mean I guess.” He says as he goes back to pretending to read his book. Thinking the conversation is over you go back to your work as well.

“Three” He breaks silence suddenly. 

“What?” you say surprised. 

“Three. If it’s with you...I-I want three. A boy and two girls.” He says but he never looks you in the eyes. 

“Three. I like that.” You agree as you go back to work with a smile on your face. 

-Present- 

“I’m crying because I don't think life is fair.” You say a sob tears through your chest. Making Namjoon pull you closer to his warm body in order to confront you.

“This life...this house...what we have. He deserved it too. I just don’t know why? Why Joonie?” You ask as more tears roll down your eyes. 

“I wish I could tell you baby.” his voice cracks as he speaks. You've always known it hurts him just as much as it hurts you. They were best friends and loved each other like brothers way before you came into Yoongi’s life.

“D-did he ever tell you?” You hiccup. 

“I-I...he did but made me promise not to tell you. And to be honest it wasn’t my secret to tell. All he said was I had to help you chase happiness when he couldn’t anymore.” 

“I can’t believe he never told me he was sick. Joon, even after five years it hurts.” You whisper out.

“I know baby. I also know that you were the best thing in his life. He never wanted to forget to live just because he was going to die.” He says as tears roll down his cheeks.”He stops as he wipes his tears before continuing. “You remember what he used to say about love?” 

You nod in response, “It wouldn’t pay the bills but that didn’t matter because the one thing everyone wants can’t be paid for.” he smiles down at you as you respond. 

“I want us to raise our children with that same mentality... You know he made me promise two things that last night we spent with him?” You turn to him surprised because you had never heard this before.

“What did he make you promise?” You ask as you wipe away your tears.

“First, to love you and show you the world. I was confused at first. Until he explained why he introduced us in the first place. Honestly, the first few months we dated I felt so guilty even though he was the one who told me it was okay. Don’t get me wrong I liked you a lot but he was my best friend. I could never betray him like that. But he told me to see you genuinely smile and I'd know why he chose me to look after you.” He said with a small smile.

“What does that mean?” You asked. 

“He loved everything about you but your smile...he said it could make the world stop. He said I'd know real and pure love when you smiled for the first time. One day many months after he left us, you did and he was right. My heart and my entire universe stopped. Everyday I still wish you had him by your side so he can see this beautiful smile that makes life worth living.” He says as leans down to kiss your lips. 

“What else did you promise?” You asked and tears gathered in your eyes.

“Live. Live that life he wished he could have but never had enough time to.” He said as he began to cry again. You pull him to your chest as you play with his hair. 

“Letting go was one thing but realizing that life wasn’t just going to stop because he left us was a whole new level of pain. I learned to love again with you but I could never forget how to love him. We had plans. He deserved to be part of the life he had imagined in his head.  Does that make me a bad person Joon?”

“No baby. It made you stronger. I know you love me. I know what we have is real I couldn’t give a fuck about anything else.” He says as you continue to play with his hair. Both of you now feel like a weight was lifted off your tired souls. 

“You are starting to sound like him.” You joked. 

“Well he did raise me.” Joon says with a dimpled smile. 

“He did a great job even though he gave you that potty mouth.” You giggle. 

“That’s how we will raise little Yoongi too.” He says as he rubs your stomach. Already imagining a bump forming. 

“His first word will not be fuck.” you scolded playfully. 

2am was the time he passed. 2am five years ago you cried like you’ve never cried before. The world stopped but not like it used to. It stopped because a part of you died too. Until someone revived you and helped you heal.  You no longer scream and curse his name at the top of your lungs in anger and pain. You can be at peace and can look to the future that you deserve. Never forgetting him is not a terrible thing because you will always carry a part of him with you. In a way he would get to live out the life you planned together.

Hi everyone,

. I am sorry I haven't been active here. I appreciate everyone who continues to read and share my work. Life is just hard sometimes guys and it’s okay to take breaks and take care of yourself. I know my writing in not the best but I do it for myself and for those who enjoy it.

I hope you are all safe and healthy. I love you all. :)

P.S

Yes, it has been a long time but Mistakes and Miracles will continue. Keep an eye out for new chapters these next few weeks.

[bedlamsbard]

All right, reactions to Mando 2.05, “The Jedi”, in...semi-coherent form. Spoilers, obvs. I hated this episode, so keep scrolling now if you don’t want to see negativity.  This is not in any kind of order except stream-of-conscious.

again, I reiterate, spoilers.

again, I reiterate, this is REALLY negative.

Rosario Dawson...yikes.

how...did Bo-Katan know that Ahsoka was on Corvus? are they in contact? since when? Ahsoka seems to have been on Corvus for long enough to be a nuisance to the Magistrate (Morgan Elsbeth), but normally Ahsoka is very efficient and she just...really does not seem to be here? I did not get the impression she was planning on sticking around for any period of time.

(the same could be true for Frog Lady and Bo-Katan on Trask several episodes back. that wasn’t a convert, that was three Mandalorians hanging around the port in cloaks. I guess they could be doing that on the regular, but? would the Empire not then be more worried about being attacked by Mandalorians?)

there was only ever a very, very slim chance that I was going to be happy with any translation of Ahsoka from animation to live action.  I am on record as thinking that animation is the medium for Star Wars and that live action is always going to be a weaker medium than animation and that a lot of things that can be done in animation just cannot be translated to live action in any meaningful form.  I knew Ahsoka’s fighting style couldn’t translate to live action convincingly (here’s what I said about the mo-capped duel in TCW); it never occurred to me that they couldn’t pull off TOGRUTA given that Shaak Ti, you know, exists, and also there are so many excellent Ahsoka cosplayers.

(Consider KM Creations’ excellent silicone lekku (S7), which have beautiful movement; the cosplayer behind that is CallMeSnips and her epilogue prototype is from SWCC is in there somewhere.  I think Rei Kennex’s are latex (you can tell they don’t have much movement) but at least they’re the right length.  I think Ahsoka94′s are also latex (again with the movement); this is her Mortis vision grown-up Ahsoka.)

AND YES, THE LEKKU/MONTRALS WERE A DEAL-BREAKER FOR ME.

I feel very “you have made your bed and now you have to die in it” about that -- apparently the reasoning is for stunts and movement, but for me here’s the thing: her lekku length wasn’t optional.  This is not the equivalent of changing a hair style, which some people seem to think (believe me, I have read so many hot takes); this is like...I’m trying to think of a good comparison.  Like putting Peter Mayhew or Joonas Suotamo in a wig because Chewie’s head was too hard for the actor to see out of, or giving them normal human hands because they can’t grip with the Wookiee hands.

Also your main character wears a helmet at all times that (if it’s anything like my Mandalorian helmet) is pretty poor visibility and full body armor and THIS was your breaking point for stunts?

Ahsoka’s lekku and montrals grow as she ages. These are about S7 length; as @reena-jenkins put it, THEY DE-AGED HER HEAD.  Ahsoka fans coming in know this.  PEOPLE SAW THE REBELS EPILOGUE.

I wonder how many of the people being self-righteous about being totally fine about Ahsoka’s lekku are the same people who claim that Katee Sackhoff is too young to play Bo-Katan.

this also puts them in a weird position in regards to the inevitable merchandise: do they go with normal Ahsoka from TCW and Rebels, the one everyone is familiar with, or do they go with these stunted lekku?

(I can’t believe they’re going to make Her Universe sell merch with this Ahsoka on it. it’s not going to happen but I wish HU was going to be petty enough to not sell any nu!Ahsoka merch.)

Here is some nice art of how Ahsoka’s lekku and montral should have looked.

hoo boy were those prosthetics also just Bad.

“but the stunts” buddy I’m sure Pedro Pascal and his various stunt doubles aren’t having a great time in full armor with almost no visibility either

if you’re going to put the character in, do it right

YOU CAN’T CHEAT

look, I am really, really aural -- the best example I can give is that even though intellectually I know that Matt Lanter and Hayden Christensen both play Anakin Skywalker, I literally cannot parse them as both being the same Anakin Skywalker and for that reason TCW and the PT don’t exist for the same continuity for me.  (This also goes for Ewan McGregor and James Arnold Taylor, Natalie Portman and Cat Taber, and Samuel L. Jackson and TC Carson. I can kinda cope with the multiple Palpatine VAs. Yes, the decision to use Hayden and Sam in Ahsoka’s vision in “Shattered,” even blending into Matt’s voice from Hayden’s, threw me so badly I couldn’t take the vision seriously.)  Ashley Eckstein has a very distinctive voice, and moreover has been the only person to ever voice Ahsoka up to this point (even in the Ahsoka novel audiobook). Barring a MIRACLE I was never going to be able to parse another actress’s voice as Ahsoka’s, solely because of how my brain works.

I could probably have parsed someone else’s face because animated Ahsoka is pretty stylized but the voice thing is a huge problem for me because of how aural I am.

(I say this but when Squadrons did a more live action-style Hera -- knowing they mo-capped Vanessa Marshall I think they used Vanessa’s face for Hera’s, which is also what it looks like on the revised art and face sculpt for the Black Series Hera -- I kind of had a meltdown about it (for...weird reasons). And that was the same VA.)

(The timeskip between TCW and Rogue One, then Rebels, probably saved Saw Gerrera for me here, but he was also never a main character.)

can you believe that Sam Witwer’s Maul got more live action respect than Ashley Eckstein’s Ahsoka

I love Sam’s Maul but wow

this is particularly jarring because Dave Filoni and Ashley Eckstein always seemed like they were friends? I realize that this gets skewed by how little of their actual lives we see online, but that is the vibe that I’ve gotten from interviews and social media posts.

can you believe that TROS gave more respect to Ashley Eckstein’s Ahsoka than Dave Filoni’s Mando episode did (here is her statement on TROS.)

back in March, when the Dawson casting rumors first dropped (or leaked, as the case may be), Ashley posted a statement about it saying that she was not involved in The Mandalorian. she has over the years been very vocal about desperately wanting to play live-action Ahsoka, who is a character solely associated with her up until today, and honestly this just breaks my heart.

I am not the massive Ashley Eckstein fan that many Ahsoka fans are, but I have never heard anything bad about her (I saw her at my hotel at SWCC while I was waiting for my roommate to arrive! that’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to her, a distance of about six feet), and I really desperately hope that someone told her about this beforehand and she didn’t find out from watching the episode.

Also, while I’m here talking about Ashley Eckstein, the characterization here was extremely off, in that specific way that happens when a writer/director is working with their absolute favorite character, DAVE FILONI. I do trust Ashley to course-correct Dave on Ahsoka (in the same way we’ve heard about Sam Witwer pushing back on people about Maul), and that...was not happening here.  (I think Katee Sachoff said something similar to this about Bo-Katan in her interview last week, as well.)

how did you get Bo-Katan so right and Ahsoka so wrong

look, Dave Filoni is truly living up to George Lucas’s legacy in that he can story tell pretty well but he’s not actually that great at nitty-gritty of writing and directing. (none of the really good TCW episodes are his.)

this episode made me think of A Friend in Need (which he directed) which is not, like, a BAD episode but quite notoriously includes the Bo-Katan ass-slap and also Ahsoka beheading four Mandalorians at once.

it also includes a helpless village of oppressed and exploited Asian-coded civilians who are there mostly as background scenery so the bad guys can be bad and the heroes can feel righteous

I’ll come back to that one

the level of violence in this episode was...weird. honestly, too high? in a way that probably would not have registered if it was anyone but Ahsoka. look, I am an animated shows person. I know TCW and Rebels inside and out. I know that neither one is particularly shy about killing off faceless bad guys (though if you watch Rebels S1 compared to Rebels S4 they really dial back the amount of fatal violence the main characters commit in the last season, lol).  But this felt off for Ahsoka in a way I can’t really articulate.

why is Ahsoka attacking a random Mandalorian (her allies are Mandalorians!) who is walking through the woods WITH A BABY? WITHOUT WARNING?

part of that is just her movement -- when they animated her for TCW back in 2008, they made a deliberate decision to give her mannerisms and movement and a fighting style that a human can’t do because she isn’t human and animation can do that. which means that they hobbled themselves when they came to translating her to live action because uh a human can’t do that.

something about her lightsaber blades looked really, really wrong and I can’t put my finger on what. it’s like they just used the illuminated blades of the stunt sabers but didn’t do the extra CGI that the films do? I don’t know.

Ahsoka did a LOT of dramatic posing and what WAS that?

Dave can’t direct live action, that’s what that was

since when can you canonically convey that much information mind to mind

are Ahsoka and Grogu a dyad in the Force (I know the answer is no but also: what? what was happening?)

the only people we’ve seen who can do that sort of thing are Quinlan Vos and Cal Kestis, who both have the rare talent for telemetry, and even that’s not mind to mind communication, that’s touching a thing and going “YIKES”

you are telling me that Ahsoka Tano, whom six months ago we saw take on Darth Maul, a whole barrage of Mandalorian warriors, and her entire clone trooper battalion and walk away without a scratch, had to work up a sweat fighting one woman with a spear

you do know that we all saw TCW and Rebels right

and here’s the problem! this episode makes zero sense if you HAVE seen TCW and Rebels because (1) she doesn’t look right (2) she doesn’t fight right (3) timelines? we’ve never heard of them? (4) is Thrawn back? did you find the Chimaera? (you all do remember that Ezra and Thrawn aren’t out there alone and are in fact with a 40,000 man crewed star destroyer right) (5) did you NOT find them? (6) are you even looking? (7) this is supposed to be AFTER the Rebels epilogue unless you’ve decided to take advantage of that specific ending scene not being super specifically dated and if it’s before IT MAKES IT EVEN WORSE! because I desperately hate that epilogue and its implications EVEN AS IT IS! (8) why would you call this episode “The Jedi” when since 2013 Ahsoka’s whole thing has been not being a Jedi

to be fair I’m pretty sure S7 tried very hard to course correct that but unfortunately, they could not because the rest of canon exists

are you still trying to deny me grown Ahsoka and Rex when we know you got Temuera back for a five second shot of Boba

to be fair I would have the same aural problems with Temuera voicing Rex because that’s Dee Bradley Baker as far as I’m concerned (I reiterate that this is because of how my brain process character and sound, not anythign else)

if you haven’t seen TCW and Rebels this is a random Jedi wandering around for no specific reason namedropping a completely random person who has no prior significance unless it’s going to turn up later

this entire show has consisted of namedropping random people and things with no prior significance within the show itself and it remains entirely unclear whether they’re ever going to have significance within the show itself

look, I can buy Ahsoka not wanting to train the kid both for her stated reasons and for some implied stuff from earlier on in canon (the kids in the Ahsoka novel, the babies from Future of the Force), even what happened with Ezra, and obviously she has Plans and cannot haul a baby around with her when that baby is going to be a baby for an indeterminate amount of time

which honestly is something that ought to come up because even if Ahsoka wanted to train the kid by the time she grew old and died he might, if we were very lucky, have advanced to being essentially a pre-teen and then would be on his own again? this is also true for Din.

lol sure go cast yourself out into the Force, I’m sure there’s absolutely not a single darksider still wandering around the galaxy who might perk up at “ooh, free apprentice!”

I’m literally starting to think that this show takes place in an alternate universe where Luke and Leia either don’t exist or died at some point in the OT

me, baffled, last season: you’re telling me Cara Dune, Alderaanian, had never heard of the Jedi? was she not keeping up with whatever Leia Organa was doing? was the Rebel Alliance actually big enough that PEOPLE IN IT HADN’T HEARD OF LUKE SKYWALKER?

what...is Luke doing right now. isn’t he training Leia?

WHAT HAS AHSOKA BEEN DOING FOR TEN YEARS are we seriously supposed to believe she peaced out of the Rebel Alliance after Malachor and whatever the hell they’re going to make that out to be (honestly at this point I’m betting on “they will never touch it”)

does or does Ahsoka not know that Luke exists

hoo boy can you just see them trying to cast a younger Luke, or do you think they’d CGI de-age Mark Hamill?

oh yeah let’s go through this again in a season with someone else playing young Luke, let’s, I’m not emotionally invested in that so I’m prepared to be entertained

hasn’t Sebastian Stan been floated (even if just on Twitter) for young Luke?

why are these not-imperials on this planet. what are they doing here. what’s the point.

 why is the planet...being burned? I was half-expecting, like, normal deforestation (in terms of logging for lumber) but I’m also a bit ??? about this.

since when is beskar resistant to lightsabers, I thought cortosis was the only thing that was? whatever, it’s new canon, they can do whatever they want. (ETA: apparently that’s been true for a while; I am more a Jedi person than a Mandalorian one as far as the EU goes and my Mandalorian lore is my weakest point.)

dear god were these fight scenes bad

I did spot Morai and I appreciated the tookas

okay, I am taking the next thing out of bullet points because I was really, really upset by it, and as an Asian-American woman it affects me directly.

I was really, really shaken by the use of village of (space) Asian people who were portrayed solely as background victims to be tortured and exploited.  Star Wars has a long history of Orientalism, and some of it I can look away from and some of I can’t.  Mando especially has a very bad track record with its treatment of Asian characters (Fennec Shand), and in recent years the rest of Star Wars live action has also been pretty bad about it; I will never forget how shaken and upset I was by Paige Tico’s death at the beginning of TLJ, and Rose’s sidelining in TROS was a lot to deal with. There has also been some pretty appalling anti-Asian racism from the Mandalorian fandom that I have seen in regards towards casting rumors about Sabine (which brought me to the point of tears as recently as yesterday).

I had been braced for Rosario Dawson Ahsoka because it’s been rumored for so long, if never officially confirmed by Lucasfilm, and after they pulled the original VA for Leia from Resistance a few years ago (without ever making an official statement but it was after she made really dismissive statements during the Kavanaugh hearings) I was still really hoping they’d pull Dawson for the transphobic assault allegations, or that the rumors were false, or...something.  I was not expecting the way that they treated the Asian civilian population here.  I kept hoping that there was going to be something, and it’s like they kept almost going there with Governor Wing (you want to make either his name or his position clear in the actual episode, maybe?) but then kept pulling back, which just made the whole population victims that had to be rescued by outsiders. And exploited, and tortured, and abused in general.

And yes, I’m aware the Magistrate/Morgan Elsbeth is an Asian-American woman.  That doesn’t make it better?  Since Ahsoka presumably kills her offscreen?

(Also Diana Lee Inosanto is a stunt performer and a fight choreographer, why is that fight scene so wooden, damn.)

okay back to bullet points to wrap up

I realize I haven’t said much about Din and the kid and that’s because they didn’t...do...much? I guess if you’re actually invested in them “YAY HE HAS FEELINGS” is a major thing but I’m not

I have flashes of being invested in Din, but the problem is that I never know what the hell this show is doing because it’s all over the place.  We are 5/8 of the way into season 2 and I have no idea what it’s trying to do: they keep setting stuff up and then not doing anything with it. I can make vague predictions based on what’s set up and based on my knowledge of canon, but this show is so weirdly set up and paced that I can never tell if they’re something for A Reason, for the lulz, or for the Aesthetic.

I feel extremely vindicated by the revelation a few weeks ago that Din grew up in a cult but I also straight-up feel like I spent the past year being gaslighted about what Mandalorians were, and that’s...not a great feeling. Do I think that the show is going to do anything with that? Fuck, I don’t know. I hope so. I know what I’d do as a writer. But I can’t predict anything they’re doing and that makes me really uneasy.

jeez, at least when George Lucas was making Star Wars you knew he was doing it to entertain himself and tell a specific story rather than constantly having to go back and wonder what story lines got compromised for a project down the road.

like, is this why they did mo-cap Ahsoka in S7, to brace us for live action Ahsoka here? I know they had already filmed Mando S2 before S1 came out. WHY THEY DIDN’T THEY REUSE LAUREN MARY KIM AS AHSOKA’S STUNT DOUBLE THEN? it’s not like she hasn’t stunted in Mando before?

if this was supposed to be a backdoor pilot to a Rebels sequel...I will flip a table

I enjoyed the Bad Batch eps in TCW S7 but knowing that there’s going to be a Bad Batch show I’m now wondering if they’re only in S7 to backdoor pilot that show

how far back does this go? did they put the Legacy of Mandalore story line in Rebels S4 solely to set up for this? especially considering that that’s the one thing in S4 that actually has saga weight and then they immediately got rid of everything it accomplished to set up for this?

I presume that this is the reason they refused to release the turnaround for Ahsoka’s epilogue look two years ago. apparently it doesn’t matter given they changed her entire epilogue color scheme and also her lekku and personality.

Look -- at the end of the day, there was only about a 2% chance I was ever going to like this episode, but I was holding out for it nevertheless. I do get surprised from time to time! I liked the Bo-Katan episode! This was, however, a hot mess. And yes: a lot of the things that bother me are not going to bother other people. (I haven’t seen anyone comment on the Asian villagers, for example.)

[uwurakax]

teardrops on my guitar ♡

pairing: semi x f!reader ♡

genre: angsty // unrequited love // pining ♡

summary: it was like the plot of any rom com; two kids, a boy and a girl who were best friends since childhood and inseparable. you fell in love with him, and maybe he could’ve loved you too. such a shame he grew feelings for someone else ♡

word count: 1.7k ♡

author’s note: i love the pretty setters so much why am i doing this t-t which one next? lolol jk - not proofread sry. also wtf tryna write this on the train then some nub slams into my seat from behind dude u wot ♡

♡ (inspired by teardrops on my guitar by taylor swift) ♡

“What’s this?”

“A flower duh”

“But.. why...?”

“My dad gives them to my mum. He says he loves her after”

“But why are you giving it to me?”

“Because we love each other right?”

“Yeah”

“And one day we’ll get married and stuff”

“Hahaha, yeah! And then you give me all the flowers!”

A sweet memory, one from many years prior had always managed to pop into your mind at the most random times. You wished it didn’t, an adorable and innocent reminiscence had no place here, only offering confusion and complications. Semi Eita is your best friend, you wouldn’t let your feelings ruin your friendship with him.

Sometimes you’d wonder what would happen if you did actually confess to him. Wondering if he actually did remember the childish promise the two of you made. Neither of you had known of the power and meaning of the words uttered between you at barely 6 years old. The innocence of it all turned into something different.

Something deeper.

You also wondered if he would’ve looked at her. It was way too easy to fall into the mindset of ‘if I had told him, would he have looked at me the way he does her?’. ‘If I said my feelings sooner, could he have held me the same?’.

If I had told Semi I loved him, would he kiss me like that too?

There was way too many ifs going through your head, it was a marvel you could concentrate on anything else. At least during these moments your heart had some reprieve, a minuscule break of the pain you had to endure everyday you saw him with her.

Everyday during lunch, she sat next to him. The couple sitting opposite you at the table and you absolutely loathed it. It didn’t seem fair, the two of them being all lovey dovey, the sight of a picture perfect couple. Flaunting the perfect love they shared to anyone and everyone who saw. It just sucked that you were in the front row.

Everyday at practice she was there, cheering on Semi. Her yells and squeals echoing against the court walls. They easily overshadowed your silent ones. She’d jump excitedly next to you, clapping and screaming for the team. If you squinted, you could’ve pretended that the warm smile he threw over at the both of you was for you only.

You knew better though. Knew that any affection of love held was hers, and only hers. Knew the cheeky winks and blown kisses were reserved only for her. Knew that the uncontrollable feelings you felt for your best friend would never be reciprocated.

For only small moments, you could delude yourself into believing that Semi Eita had loved you the way you loved him.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

Jogging towards you, you handed Semi his water bottle, a small smile tugging on your lips. He wasn’t looking at you though. Honestly he never looked at you anymore, not with her around. Even when she wasn’t his eyes scanned for her. Like nothing else even mattered as long as she was there.

You had to hold back a sigh, quietly watching as he stared at her with such loving eyes. You wanted to hate it. Absolutely despise the way he looked at her, but you couldn’t. He looked so happy. Like a scene from a romance movie, he eyed her as if she was the sun, and everything just revolved around her. The whole nine yards of feeling goosebumps and a quickening heartbeat, Semi felt it all.

You wondered if she even knew the adoration he held for her. Despite her back being turned, despite the fact that she was engaged in conversation with someone else, Semi was undeniably smitten.

“You know, I think she’s the one” Semi whispered to you. This was the harsh reality of it all. No matter how much you wished, Semi Eita just wasn’t meant for you.

“You think so?” You tried to hide your exhaustion, numbness taking over your body. You could still feel the pinpricks of heartache however, no matter how much you tried to push it down. And sooner or later, it would overwhelm you until you buried your face into your pillow and cried til you fell asleep. That was a problem for future you though.

“Yeah, I do” he smiled wistfully at her, your heart fracturing little by little. You knew that look all too well. The look of longing, admiration and pure love. Recognised it all to well, because it was the way you looked at him. In class, at lunch and during practice. Whenever he wasn’t looking, you’d lower your wall by the tiniest bit.

You weren’t unknown to the fact that she looked at him exactly the same way too.

Whenever he was concentrating on his work, his serves or chatting with his friends, she’d gaze at him with the same affection that was unknown to Semi himself. It wasn’t hard to be envious. Not just because you were in love with Semi too, but to find something so special was so incredibly rare.

“I’m really happy for you Semi, I’m glad you found her.” You looked away, not wanting Semi to see your face. Sure that if he saw your eyes, he’d see the heartbreak swimming beneath the glistening tears that had just barely started to form.

“Semi!” You heard her squeal, bouncing her way to the both of you and throwing herself in his arms. It truly was unfair how they seemed to meld together so well. Like ying and yang, the moon and tides. You couldn’t have one without the other, so complimentary in existence.

You tuned them out, not wishing to subject yourself to anymore heartache for the day.

“You should join us Y/N! We don’t hang out much and I wanna get to know Semi’s best friend more” she smiled. Her wonderfully radiant smile beamed at you. Pearly whites shining under the lights, it was like God himself blessed her, an invisible spotlight on her at all times. Guess God really did have favourites, and she was impeccable.

“Ah I’d love to but I really have to get this homework done or I never will. Plus don’t wanna intrude” you shyly said. You didn’t know how much you would’ve been able to take.

“Alright fine but next time! Gotta promise ‘kay?” She giggled and snuggled up to Semi’s side.

“Of course, it’s a promise”

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

You were slow packing up your books and pens, the lunch bell normally alerting your body to speed your way to your lunch table to prolong the little break you did get.

When you finally did make it to your friends, you noticed Semi hadn’t arrived yet, and the only open seat was next to her. With a quiet sigh, you reluctantly sat down.

Opening your school bought bento, you picked at the egg, too exhausted from everything and just not being in the mood to eat.

“Y/N, you alright?” Her super sweet and feminine voice rang in your ear. Honestly, it was just grating to you now. You plastered on a fake smile.

“Yeah, sorry just super tired” you continued to stare at your food, probably looking like you hated the mix of meat and vegetables. Just for today, you didn’t want to pretend to be okay. Pretending that you were happy for your best friend. Pretending that you weren’t in love with him. Pretending that you didn’t hate his girl even though she did nothing to warrant any form of hatred from you.

“Guess who!” You saw Semi over your shoulder, playfully covering her eyes and hiding one arm behind is back. She giggled out his name, pulling his arm off and giving him a quick peck. You had to fight the urge to roll your eyes, their public display of affection eating away at you, and making you more infuriated and annoyed.

Semi pulled a beautiful bouquet from his back and handed them to her, her eyes widening in surprise.

Flowers huh?

“Wow Semi, these are gorgeous! But you didn’t have to..” she stared starstruck, unable to look away at the assortment of flora. Pinks, reds and whites decorated the bouquet, and were wrapped in a gorgeous purple cellophane.

“I know, I wanted to. You do give flowers to the person you like right?”

And just like that, your heart completely shattered.

She gave Semi another peck, thanking him for the thoughtful gesture.

You quickly arose from your seat, throwing your napkin and chopsticks into your bento, packing it up and quietly leaving the table.

“Hey, where are you going?” Semi called out to you, both of them looking at you curiously.

“Sorry, just need to go to the bathroom real quick” and you scurried off, throwing away your barely eaten meal with a bit more force than necessary.

When you finally made it to the bathrooms, you slammed the door and leaned your back against it. You started to inhale deeply, the once cute memory that brought you happiness now only gave you pain. You pulled the toilet lid down and sat, not caring if it wasn’t as hygienic as it should’ve been.

Curling your knees into your chest, you buried your face in them and let out the anguish and hurt that had been waiting to spill over. The hot burning tears that you only had yourself to blame for, because you were the idiot who fell in love with their best friend.

You cried until your eyes felt swollen and heavy, the constant friction of repeated rubs on the sleeve of your blazer added to the redness in your eyes. You looked down at your black polished school shoes, unaware of how much time had actually passed. It didn’t matter anyway.

Steadily, you got up from the seat. Once you left this bathroom stall, you’d never cry over Semi Eita ever again. You’d be the best friend, the one who would always be happy for him; and you wouldn’t fake it this time. You’d actively and attentively listen to him about his relationship, no longer going to feel bitter. You’d smile and cheer, and be the most supportive you could be, how you should be. They deserved that.

You’d let Semi go.

Perhaps tonight, with the newly made promises to yourself, you’d finally be able to get some sleep.

[jentlemahae]

I hate stan twitter, and fanwars, and stuff like that. It's so sad. Most people participating in fanwars are young teens who are looking for something to base their self worth on. Oh, my favorite group got more sales than yours, therefore I'm better than you! It's so bad for them in so many ways. And there are also adults in their twenties, and they make thousands of tweets about how other celebrities suck, encouraging the kids to participate in the discourse. How Taylor Swift is trash and Gaga is queen, how BTS is the greatest of all time and NCT sucks, and it's so stupid. Such a waste of time, and it infuriates me. We have such short lives and the idea of spending entire days trash talking oomf's faves is depressing. There is a whole world out there, there are flowers and oceans and there is a sun and crisp air. And even if one doesn't like going outside, or the outside isn't accessible to them, with the same phone they can watch a movie or read a book. Something to fill their soul with warmth and their minds with knowledge. I just feel sad that teens are wasting their youth on this stuff. I wish we could go back to listening to the music we like, supporting the artists we want, and leaving others to listen to whatever other music they connect with.

(God, I sound like such a boomer)

oooh i completely agree with u!!!

i think what’s also a problem in my eyes is that most people who get into these fights on stan twitter are so vile and aggressive and insult others in such heinous ways while being so so young (eg l*l n*s x), and that makes me worry and makes me sad 😐 bcs a) they’re probably gonna grow up and regret what they did, and b) what kind of adults are they gonna become if they display this behaviour at such a young age ? like what adult will they be when as 12 year olds they regularly log onto sns and tell ppl to k/ll themselves ? and i hate that its so normalized !! like i hear ppl saying ‘oh thats just how they talk on stan twitter, its normal!’ well let me tell u none of that is normal . it is not normal to call people slurs or tell them to die bcs u dont like them or u disagree on your media preferences . it is not normal and it honestly fills me with sadness and worry

[the-lincyclopedia]

Ten months sober, I must admit, just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it

This is not about drugs or alcohol. 

It’s been ten months to the day since I told First Boyfriend not to contact me again, and I’ve been listening to the Taylor Swift song “Clean” lately, which is where I got the title of this post, and I decided to post about that whole thing now rather than (or honestly maybe in addition to) posting about it at the one-year mark. 

I’m not going to tell the full story here. I have something like that in my Google Drive, and it’s 12 pages single spaced and still feels like it’s mostly just the highlights. Here’s what I will say: 

We were in the same first grade class. The first time I remember interacting with him was during recess in fifth or sixth grade, when he and a couple of his friends walked up to my friends and me, and he tackled me silently. I got up, brushed myself off, and kicked him in the shins; he tackled me again and walked away. This whole thing occurred without a single word being spoken. My khakis got grass stains. I misspelled his last name when I wrote about it in my diary. 

We got close in eighth grade. This was the year after my mom had almost died, and I felt different from all my friends and classmates. He was different, too. (I later found out we’re both autistic. That explains a lot.) Our different-ness was part of what drew us together. So, too, was my sense that he wasn’t okay. When my mom had been at her sickest, I’d had a purpose, briefly, taking care of my sister, but now my mom wanted her job as our parent back and I was looking for other sources of meaning. Taking care of him was one of them. 

Two of my friends and I threw him a surprise 14th birthday party in the spring of eighth grade. All three of us had crushes on him at that point. The birthday party was a smashing success and honestly still a memory I treasure, mostly because of the massive water balloon fight. 

On October 5 of our freshman year of high school, he was at his then-girlfriend’s swim meet, and our mutual best friend was there with him. He told her he was seriously thinking of killing himself that night. She tried to talk him out of it but didn’t make much progress, so she called me, sobbing, and then handed the phone to him, and I talked him down. It was the first time he and I said “I love you” to each other. Seeing him at school the next morning was the biggest, most visceral relief I’ve ever known. 

His girlfriend broke up with him in late November. Five days later, upstairs in a dark hallway during our mutual best friend’s Hanukkah party, he kissed me twice on the jaw line. I knew he’d hurt himself if I let on that I hadn’t wanted it, so I very carefully asked him not to do that again. 

A week later, I asked him out. (I know.)

We dated for a little over a year before my parents, especially my father, started telling me that a year was too long for a high school relationship; that since I wasn’t going to marry him, it made no sense to continue. I caved to the pressure, even though I didn’t want to break up with him. 

I hadn’t cried since my mother’s cancer diagnosis three years earlier, but the breakup broke me. I cried daily for the first two weeks, and it took under a month for me to become suicidal. I called him--I’d talked him out of suicide, so it felt fair--and he talked me down. I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear hearing “Don’t” or “You can’t.” That those things would make me say, “Watch me.” He told me, “It’s your choice, but I hope you don’t, and this is why I didn’t.” 

We started flirting during the second month of the breakup, and it was more fun than we’d ever had together before. We got back together after ten weeks apart and things got easier. 

We stayed together for nearly two years this time. It went better the second time; he lied less and was mostly better about consent. (If those phrases seem concerning, they should.)

I broke up with him the second time because I watched series three of Sherlock and realized that Mary’s behavior, all the lying and the double life, seemed totally normal to me. I don’t want to go into the details of his lies because I’m embarrassed for having believed him, but suffice it to say he was rarely honest about anything, and eventually I realized I wanted trust to be part of my relationships. 

The first month after the second breakup was awkward (we had classes together, and we competed in the state math tournament together, and we rode the same tour bus halfway across the country with the rest of the school’s music department), but after about a month there was a night when I wound up in his lap, sobbing and promising that I didn’t hate him or want him out of my life but that I’d just needed the romantic part to be done. Things got much less awkward after that. 

We went to college on opposite ends of the same state. We saw each other on breaks. He kept kissing my forehead until I told him not to. When studying abroad went miserably for me, I told him I never wanted to go another day without hearing the words “I love you,” and he said he could make that happen. He texted me “Much love” every day for over three years after that. 

It took six and a half years after breaking up with him for good to realize that what he’d done to me was wrong. (And I still don’t know how to tell the story that way, coherently, largely because of the fake double life he made up that I’m embarrassed for having believed in.) But ten months ago, at my first appointment with my current therapist, I read aloud the 12 pages of chronological narrative I have about him, plus the three pages about the time he pushed past my boundaries most dramatically, right after we turned 15. My therapist confirmed that what had happened was abuse, and I texted him to let him know I didn’t want him to contact me anymore. 

He got engaged last month, which I know because I’m in occasional contact with his now-fiancée, mostly because I want her to know someone will believe her if she ever wants out. It’s weird to know he’s going to get married. It’s weird to think of him being with someone other than me, even though he’s been with his fiancée for almost four years now. For all the fucked up parts, he was still my first love. 

I chose to start this with the quote from “Clean” because I miss him. When Mary Louise Kelly got cussed out by that Trump administration official last fall, I wanted to talk to him about it, because we both listen to a lot of NPR and no one else in my life does, other than my parents. When my mental health took a dip in early June, I wished I could call him, because he was absolute magic when it came to talking me out of a bad headspace. When my mom and I played Scrabble a couple weeks ago, I wanted to text him a picture of the board, because he’s so good at Scrabble and we played it a lot. 

None of that nostalgia means I should let him back into my life. I know that, and I’m not going to get in contact with him. I don’t trust him and I don’t think there’s anything in the world that could change that. I deserved honesty from him, especially when we were dating. I deserved not to have my boundaries pushed during intimacy. I deserved not to be used as an alternative to therapy when he could afford therapy and was just choosing to use me instead. I deserved these things, but I did not get them. He should have done better. 

Ten months sober, I must admit, just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it. Ten months older, I won’t give in. Now that I’m clean, I’m never gonna risk it. 

[justjessame]

Babysitting Butcher 58

Work wasn’t the calm and easy setting that everyone who popped their heads in our doorway was used to come Monday morning.  A heavy layer of tension coated everything and it made it difficult to breathe, so I propped the door open - another warning sign that all was not right in the world of Dr. Taylor and William Butcher.  

“This is new,” MM’s eyebrow was raised so high on his forehead that I might have made mention of it if I hadn’t seen a similar expression on nearly every fucking face that graced my presence so far on the worse Monday of my life - and yes, that DID include every Monday that I had Homelander’s self-destruct DNA code inside of me.  He shot a look Billy’s way and I steadfastly pretended I didn’t notice.  “So - uh, I’ve been working on Jane Kaboom.”  I nodded and he took the chair in front of my desk.  “Here’s what I find more odd than normal about Vought’s file on her -”

I listened while MM told me how he compared the file I sent him of the supe I’d aligned with our anonymous head buster versus some random files he’d requested as a sample group.  He explained that with our unknown element - her file was laid out differently, missing parts that didn’t make a hell of a lot of sense to have absent, while the other files were filled to the brim with extra shit that no one needed.  

“Are you saying Vought knows precisely who she is and is hiding her on purpose?”  I tried to NOT sound as sarcastically unsurprised as I was feeling, but honestly, at this point I felt more Billy-like than ever before.  “Why would they do it though?”  She’d killed people on national television in the middle of a fucking hearing on why supes should or shouldn’t be able to step into armed conflict.  

“To cover their tracks, of course,” Billy snarled and I fought to NOT look at him.  “This is VOUGHT we’re talkin’ about, Ronnie,” my eyes landed on my red stapler and I contemplated how badly it would really damage his oversized, condescending head if I DID throw it at him?  “Never do anything without a fucking motive for hiding their own shit stains.”  

I was maintaining careful eye contact with my computer screen and MM had enough of it.  “OK, that’s it.  What’s going on?”  Neither of us said anything.  “Seriously, what the hell is going on between you two?”  

“Nothing you need to worry about,” Billy’s voice was quiet, clearly trying to shrug off MM’s nosiness.  

“Yeah, not buying it.”  MM didn’t sound like he was leaving anytime soon.  “Door is wide open.  Ronnie isn’t looking at you at all.  Neither of you seem like you particularly want to be anywhere near the other -”  I heard the chair he was sitting in make a noise I knew meant he was settling in and getting comfortable.  “Spill.”  

“I’m the psychologist, Marvin, not you.” I murmured, opening up my email and praying there was ANYTHING to focus on, but like the traitor that I knew my job could be there wasn’t a damn thing there.  

He snorted and tapped my desk to get my attention.  Looking up, I saw him shaking his head at me.  “Yeah, you are, but you’re also pissed off at his stupid ass and it’s making you both miserable.”  He nodded toward Billy’s side of the office.  “Let’s talk it out, Doc.”  The reminder of Billy calling me that punched me in the solar plexus and I felt it all the way to my knees.  “Saw that flinch, Ronnie, so come on -”

I wanted to argue with him, but he was right.  Maybe what Billy and I really needed was a mediator.  Someone who would sit between us and let us hash it out without picking a side - but was MM really that person?  Looking into his face, I knew that for once beggars couldn’t be choosers.  

“Fine.”  I sighed.  “Let’s talk.”  

MM was looking at both of us, after the door had been shut and we both had unleashed hell upon him from BOTH sides about what we’d let come to a head during our visit with Ryan, like he REALLY wished he hadn’t asked and then offered to mediate.  Yeah, buddy, I thought that’ll teach you.  

“What you’re saying,” he was looking at me, because honestly I’d like to think I was the one that made the most fucking sense here.  “Is that Ryan, a ten year old kid, asked some freaky fucking scientists from OUR fucked up government to test some inhibitor chips on him AND no one contacted ANY fucking adults to check and see if that was OK?”  I nodded and was vindicated when he looked as disgusted and sickened by the mere thought of it as I was.  “And you,” he looked at Billy, “think this is somehow a GOOD thing, because it might give us a way to FIX the supe issue?”  I glanced at Billy and saw him give the curtest of curt nods I’ve ever witnessed in my life.  

I waited for him to - I don’t know, grant me some kind of “YAY you’re the winner in this round of coupledom fighting!  Now Billy has to cuddle you and stop being an annoying ass.” certificate.  

“I think the bigger issue here is what are the two of you going to do about Ryan in general?”  I stared at him, wondering what the fuck he meant.  “Ryan -” he looked between me and Billy.  “You know the TEN YEAR OLD boy that is willing to be a fucking science experiment on the off-chance some asshole who he shares a last name with will spend time with him?”  I blinked at him.  “DOCTOR Taylor, surely you get what I’m talking about -”  Seeing that clearly I didn’t, he shook his head.  “Ryan Butcher lost his entire fucking life when Becca died -” Billy stared to speak, but MM held up his hand and stopped him.  “I don’t care how she died right now, Butcher.  Ryan is a kid, he didn’t know how to control his powers and he was lost and alone.  And, being alone and lost, he did what he THOUGHT was right.  He got rid of, or at least stamped down the shit that made him alone - his powers - on the chance that some asshole might come back and make him less alone.”  He was looking between us again and I realized he was right and I had known it and even thought about it, but I’d focused on stupid shit when the rage at Billy hit me.  “So, I’ll ask you two again - what are you two going to do about RYAN?”  

For the first time in what felt like days, but was honestly only hours, Billy and I made eye contact.  And I think we both felt exactly like we should feel - like complete and utter shits.  Because MM was right, Ryan truly was the most important part in all of this - not the argument about what kind of mom Becca was, or why he allowed the inhibitors to be implanted, or even if the inhibitors should be a THING - no, the most important thing should be how to make Ryan’s life BETTER, because honestly, if we didn’t - chips or no chips - I’d hate for Ryan to end up with the same issues his sperm donor grew up showcasing. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #334

"i dreamed i was missing  /  you were so scared  /  but no one would listen,  ‘cuz no one else cared”

Sunrise or sunset? Sunset has prettier colors, imo, but I enjoy the pastel nature of sunrises, too. Are you mentally ill? Oh brother. Are you physically ill? I don't have any serious physical health issues, no. Introvert or extrovert? I'm a very strong introvert. What do you think when you look at your body? That it's fucking disgusting. What have others said when they look at your body? When I was healthy, I was complimented every now and again. With the body I have now? I'm glad people keep their months shut. Do you have a particular song that you feel deeply? There's a good 'ole handful or two. Talk about a time in your life where you have felt most alive? It's weird, I'm not a city person at all, but possibly when I was walking the streets of Chicago with Sara and her dad one evening. There was just so much life, so many new sights, that it was impossible not to. Plus, I was at a very happy point in my life, so. I just enjoyed a lot. Are you confident wearing a bikini? FUCK NO. Have you ever been hurt physically or mentally by a family member? Mentally, obviously. Everyone has at some point. I've never been seriously physically hurt by family, but Mom did spank my sisters and me as kids if we did something wrong. Biggest lie you have told? I don't really know. I get really uncomfortable telling even minor lies, so making a big one would be excruciating. I'm not saying I've never said a biggie, I'm sure in 25 years of life I said something stupid at one point, I just don't remember it. Do you believe in the Illuminati? Nah; there's some compelling evidence, but I just think it's way too big of a secret to keep. Regrets in your life? Blaming the breakup entirely on Jason and saying just plain cruel things to him afterwards. Also sending an appallingly hateful letter to Dad to vent after the divorce. Flirting with my then-best friend's boyfriend at the time behind her back. Dating Tyler (it's a small one, but still a regret). There are others, those are just the only ones coming to me right now. Achievements in your life? Lots of academic success and awards (before college, anyway...), artistic accomplishments like having my work put in a museum, surviving a traumatic breakup, (mostly) recovering from massive depression... What did people say about you in school? Nothing, really. I was a quiet student who just did her work and tried hard. Is there something you have never told anyone? Yes. If you had two days to spend one million dollars how would you spend it? First, I'm paying off college debt. Then Mom gets a new car, followed by me getting new glasses and renewing my permit. I'm getting a good terrarium setup for Venus. Then, it's tattoo time, baby, haha. I can't really do the mental math on how much this all would cost, but those are the high-priority things I can think of. Describe your first kiss? Was it how you imagined? Jason and I were playfighting in bed, and he had me pinned. Our faces were close, and I decided to kiss him. It was a fairy tale moment, in my eyes. He looked so bashful for once (he's far from shy) but also really happy, and I was too. Growing up were you in a wealthy, average, or low income household? Low, I think. Or maybe average, when Dad was still around. Have you been raised by a solo parent? When I was around 17, my parents split, so kinda-sorta. Do you know both your parents? Thankfully, yes. Have you abused drugs or alcohol? No. Are you comfortable accepting compliments? Ehhhh, I really appreciate them and they can make my whole day, but I'm very awkward about it. I get shy. Are you comfortable giving compliments? Oh yes. I honestly love giving compliments; I know how happy they can make me, so why not share that with others? Is any mental illness hindering your life? Guess. (: Is any physical illness hindering your life? Well, it's not an "illness," but the muscles in my legs have severely atrophied from leading such a horribly sedentary lifestyle, and that has greatly affected my ability to work without the risk of just collapsing. Walking at all is painful. Are you preparing for an apocalypse? No. I'm not really one to worry about "prepping." If it happens, it happens, man. I'm not spending loads of money on a "maybe." Are you interested in cults? Not really, no. Are your parents good cooks? Mom is fine, but it's hard to really judge Dad's cooking since he barely ever did it, plus I haven't had his cooking in many, many years. I remember he was great at making breakfast, though. That was like a rare treat, him deciding to make breakfast for everyone. Have you ever been to a chiropractor? Did you like it? No. Do you know anyone who is an actor? No. Have your wisdom teeth come through yet? They never did. Have you ever used a public pay phone? No. Have you ever made an item of clothing? No. Have you taken someone's virginity? No. Is confidence cute? "Confidence, yes. But cockiness and arrogance, no. That’s a whole different area that’s definitely not cute." <<<< Nailed it. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Doubt it. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? No; rather, I drink too much of it. I'm trying really hard to lay off of it, and I drink nowhere near as much as I used to (when oddly enough, I was healthy and fit), but I'm still not comfortable drinking a can and a half a day. Listening to? "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Kinda obsessed. Ever used a bow and arrow? No, but archery is cool. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I don't think this has happened since my senior shot in HS. Take a vitamin daily? Daily, no, but I really should. I take a Vitamin D capsule every Sunday, though. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I only really like "Love Story" and "Picture to Burn." Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yeah. Which are better: black or green olives? I don't like olives period, but I guess black. What’s your 3rd favourite animal? Huh, never thought of #3, just #1 and #2: meerkats and opossums. Maybe snakes? Do you like mushrooms? NO. NO NO NO. What dream do you remember most vividly? One I don't talk about. A childhood nickname? Mom called me "Twinkie" and still sometimes does. ;-; Does anyone in "real life" know that you take surveys? Would you be embarrassed if they found your blog? Just Sara. And yes, regarding some people. Who was the last person you blocked on social media? Did you have an argument that lead to that happening? I'm unsure, but probably. I don't tend to just like... randomly block people. What was the first social media account you remember signing up for? Are you still a member of that particular website, if it even still exists? Of course it was MySpace. It's still floating around somewhere in cyberspace. What website from your childhood/teen years do you wish still existed? I get nostalgic over the Animal Planet forums sometimes. Have you ever met up with anyone in real life that you first met via the internet? Did you get on as well as you thought you would? Yes, Sara. I felt like it would go just fine, but it went even better than I expected - I was oddly very comfortable around her and her family. Have you ever tried any of those meal replacement shakes? Are you a fan of things like that in general? Yeah; I tried many brands until I settled for Equate, surprisingly. Cheap does not equate to bad quality, my friends. We always have the chocolate ones in the house, and they're really not bad at all. Are you the kind of person to enjoy taking naps? I love me my daily nap, man. What's your favourite kind of cheese to have on a pizza? Idk, whatever cheese is normally used, lol. What's a hobby you loved when you were younger but no longer enjoy for whatever reason? I guess video editing. I can't say I'd no longer enjoy it at all, but now the idea sounds far more like a chore than fun. Is there a popular food/drink that you can't stand? What is it and why don't you like it? I could name five dozen, but here's just a few: coffee, pie, tea, fried chicken (or is that just a Southern thing to be obsessed with?), and... of course now that I'm asked this question, I'm blanking on the huge number I know exist. As for "why," that varies, but it's either just simply a taste or even a texture thing. How would your wedding boquet look like? I want a gothic-themed wedding, so imagine a mix of black and maroon roses... whew-wee. You’re at a bar, and you witness a man drugging some girl's drink. What do you do? No hesitation, I'm decking the motherfucker. Fuck my fear of men, he's getting knocked out, and I'm immediately alerting the staff, as well as of course the girl. Kids? How many? Why? Names? Boy or girl? Y'know, loads and loads of scaly and hairy ones. Got plenty of name ideas depending on what they are and how they look. The only baby whose gender matters to me is the tarantula because females live waaaay longer. Fuck them human babies, not for me. Are you an organ donor? Absolutely. I sure as hell ain't usin' 'em once I'm dead, so consider it my last act of selflessness. Whats the most you’ve ever lost gambling? I don't gamble. What is something you can never give up (that's not love or family)? My pebble from my "graduation" from my first partial hospitalization program. It's meant to symbolize how great pain and trials can file you into something beautiful. It was passed around group, everyone holding it in their hands as they wished me well and spoke their piece about me. I'm honestly just fighting back tears remembering it. Have you ever waited in line overnight for something? No, I'm way too impatient for that shit.. Do you think having an expensive phone is a good investment? Hm. I guess it depends on what you use it for. Have you ever witnessed a birth in person? A human birth, no fucking thank you. I've only ever seen pet cats give birth. Does anyone in your family smoke? My dad does, big time. He quit drinking, but never quite managed to stay away from cigarettes. Have you ever had a pet escape and run away? Seeing as I grew up with outdoor cats that we couldn't afford to fix, pretty much all of our tomcats left for roving once they came of a certain age. Do any of your exes know each other? Juan and Jason know each other, Jason and Girt know one another as well, and Sara and Girt have met. What’s an opinion you find impossible to take seriously? I simply cannot fathom the belief that "dinosaurs never existed." Explain the fucking fossils, like come the fuck on. It's absolute denial in the name of religion. What was the very first election you voted in? This one that just passed, actually. What is one random fact about you? I want like 20 tarantulas but Mom says no. :( Do you spend a lot of time outdoors in the summer? Fuck no, I will do anything to stay inside in summer. Do you wear band tees? if yes, which one is your favorite? I love band tees, yeah. My Ninja Sex Party shirt is the most comfortable, but comfort aside, it's hard to pick a favorite. Possibly my Otep one, 'cuz the design is dope. Do you ever re-arrange your room? No. What season do you want to get married in? Fall. What is the highest name-brand thing you own? Oh god, I don't own expensive brand stuff. I guess the only exclusion would be my Cloak shirt, but even that's not like, mad pricey. What color GameBoy did you have as a kid? Red. What was your favorite GameBoy game? Maybe that Catz game? Even though the music was the most fucking obnoxious meowing ever lmao. What was the last compliment you remember someone gave to you? Who was it? It was this guy in my PHP group; my therapist surprised the fuck out of me by sharing with everyone my most recent poem (I trust him a lot, and he urges me to send him my art, so I've done that twice), and I nearly fucking died from cardiac arrest. However, this Nick guy, who's a poetry major, told me it was better than stuff he reads in his Master's program. I almost cried. Have you ever personally been friends with a stripper or prostitute? No, not that I'm opposed though or anything. If you have tattoos, which one that you have was the most painful? The one on my inner forearm. Have you ever actually met and talked to someone who’s famous? No. When was the last time you got a parking ticket for anything at all? I never have. Do you have any pets who will bite anyone else out there, besides you? No; Roman won't even come close enough to a stranger TO bite, haha. It's funny, he's so goofy and you'd guess outgoing, but instead, he's terrified of people he doesn't recognize. What’s your favorite type of sushi? I don't eat sushi. What’s your favorite patriotic song? Don't have one. Have you ever read a book about a character in a psych ward? No, and I'd really prefer not to because it would just drag me back to dark times. Have you ever been in a mental hospital as a patient? ^ Have you ever had an ulcer? No. Do you like soy sauce? omfg no What’s your favorite store to browse around? Morph Market. @_@ It's a hub for reptiles for sale, and I have my days where I just browse the ball python morphs for like an hour or so, haha. What’s the name of the most recent baby a friend had? Christ, half my friends on Facebook are having babies, idr. I don't know who was the most recent. Do people normally say you’re a fast typer, or are you rather slow? I'm very fast. Have you ever been considered the "smartest person in school?" No; that was my friend Hannia. I'm pretty certain she would qualify as a genius. Her GPA was fucking incredible. Were you named after anyone famous or anyone on television? No.

[insporaelynn]

📲 raelynn && roman

WHEN: january 24-26th 

DESCRIPTION: just best friends talking and being obsessed with each other. rae confides in him about her ex drama.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: drug mention, probably sex mention.

@romanbeckett​

Roman

Hi love of my life. I miss your face. How’s it going??

raelynn

my baby

god, i miss you too. i'm doing okay, how're you tonight?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

it’s been an off day, not even gonna lie lol super sore and tired. I just wanna be back to normal already

raelynn

oh no

how's your scar healing up? the boys are taking care of you right??

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

it’s okay I guess bleh lol and not tonight. I’m all alone

raelynn

Where's Q? Is Aaron working?

Well I guess I should know that since I'm literally at work. Lmao.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Q is working on music. Aaron has des tonight

raelynn

ugh. i wanna lay with you and kiss ur face.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

are you busyyy? I can burn us some cookies

raelynn

i'm working but I'd love to see you after if you're still up.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

of yeah you just said you’re at work lmao fucking weed

yes please come by when you’re done

raelynn

LMAO I KNOW THE FEELING

absolutely, i'm yours.

u know niamh was trying to figure out who rue's date was and she was like "is it you" bc i mentioned that I have a dick appt with him tomorrow night.

and i was like. dude, no, for like, a thousand reasons. like, why would that ever be me???

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚n.

oh god, I’m so out of the loop with gossip lately, it’s sad. I didn’t even know he had a date lol

raelynn

it's apparently some big secret but he's having people help him dress up and asking about flowers and candy and niamh is like "bitch is it you" and i'm like. LMAO.

like is there anything about me that says flowers and candy

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

Hahahahahhahahahahaha HAHAHA

that really made me laugh too hard.

raelynn

like, i'm not the flowers girl, i'm the sneak out in the night girl, the middle of the afternoon girl, all those things, but flowers girl???? sdkfdskksd

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I’m 100p a flowers girl

raelynn

YOU ARE AND YOU'RE WORTH IT MY BABY

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

my parents are coming in to town this week. Gotta tell them I have two boyfriends haaaa. Pray for me

raelynn.

I feel like that should be the least shocking thing about you??? In a good way.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yeah, I definitely keep them on their toes

raelynn

tell ur boyfriend that if he wants me to continue wearing body glitter he's going to have to pay me extra

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

omg but I love body glitter fyi

raelynn

I did an onlyfans video with Lilah earlier and I'm like 80% sure that I left glitter on her sheets. Like I'm a fucking unicorn.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

that makes me so happy I can’t even lie

I too wanna leave glitter everywhere

man I need to do only fans

raelynn

i would a thousand percent subscribe

both bc i'm a perv and also bc i'm a very supportive best friend.

we could get naked and do a body glitter photoshoot

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

and I love this about you

that sounds like a dream?? Wow

raelynn

would love nothing more than to apply body glitter to ur glorious tiddies.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

my tillies would appreciate it

Hahahaa it hurts to laughhhh

raelynn

SORRY SORRY I'M GOING TO BE VERY SERIOUS NOW

clears throat Um. The National Debt.

it is my understanding that there is. National Debt.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

hahahah I love you

raelynn

Blah blah, topics. Blah blah, smart people jargon, blah blah

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

god it’s so boring isn’t it

would so much rather talk about titties

raelynn

God same.

Like how yours are somehow bigger than mine.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I know, I need some sort of support at this point I think

raelynn

we could get you fitted for bras somewhere maybe that'd be fun

it'd look actually so hot

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

well I already wear lingerie in the bedroom. Might as well.

raelynn

you will be the absolute death of me, you're simply too gorgeous and too sweet to exist.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

stahhpppp you’re making me blushhhh. Right back atcha my babe

raelynn

is there anything you want me to bring you when i'm done here?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

just yourself. I’ve got good ass weed

raelynn

and for the millionth time, i realized, you are my soul mate.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

you’re mine, lovie.

raelynn

i wish i could've had appendix surgery instead of you

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

noooo don’t be silly lol I’m okay darling.

raelynn.

no i hate that you were in pain even for like a second i hate it so much!!

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

stop it, I love you. You cutie. Oh god okay I’m gonna make us cookies.

raelynn

Dont burn the house down my beautiful twin flame

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I always get cookie dough thinking I’ll do better next time. I still have that unearned confidence

raelynn.

Thats bc im always building you up and rightfully so

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

yes you do and I live for it. I also really love fresh cookies right out of the oven, I just want to make that happen

raelynn

I believe in you my little tropical starfish

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

raelynn

literally you

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

hehehehe ⭐️

raelynn

i don't think anybody's ever gonna love me more than you

and i think. i think maybe that's okay?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

that’s not true. You’re gonna find someone who is gonna blow you away

raelynn

yeah but even if i did, would I even be able to love them without being scared of them?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

yeah, I think so. I’ve had to overcome a lot of walls and fears myself that I never thought I could. The right person makes it easier.

raelynn

idk there are a lot of people i could've loved if i hadn't been so....this lmao

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I think it’ll just take some time!

raelynn

you have so much faith in me.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

of course I do. I think you can do anything.

raelynn

i'm not really sure.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you don’t have to be cause I ammmmm

raelynn

and you're the smartest person in the world

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

in the whole world?? Damn. I’m not near as rich as I should be then.

raelynn

how about I stay over with you tonight and we get some breakfast in the morning? I did really good on tips tonight.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

okay!! I’d love that

raelynn

good 'cause i don't get to spend nearly as much time with you as i wanna

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I knowwww. We haven’t had a sleepover in so long

raelynn

you can cuddle up to me and i'll feed you cookies and kiss your hair

revolutionary. better than therapy.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

Yes!!!!

raelynn

loml

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I finished the cookies baby and I didn’t burn them to a crisp

raelynn

you fucking legend

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I’m pretty damn proud of myself not gonna lieeeee

[...]

raelynn

extremely sad that i couldn't stay at breakfast with you all day

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

same

now I’m bored

raelynn

i swear after i left you my day went down the tubes.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

oh no I’m sorry

who do I need to fight

raelynn

well carson is back.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

oh god, tell me more

raelynn

idk why he's back but wes gave him my number bc i guess when i told him to lose it he took it to heart which like good i wanted him to

but anyway i screamed at him in the chat

everyone called me a hypocrite bc i told ivy to stop being a bitch in the chat awhile back. which tbh i didn't remember even doing, i just be saying shit.

like alex opened his fuckin mouth and i'm like what dog do you have in this fight

oh and DELILAH is moving in with carson bc he's "like her brother!!!" never mind the fact that he cheated on me bc i guess friendship doesn't mean much anymore

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wow that’s...messy. Wtf lilah though seriously

raelynn.

So then Carson texts me bc wes gave him my number and that felt like being??? Pushed back in time against my will

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

that’s not cool

raelynn

So yeah a lot of crying today

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

*chick with knife emoji*

me rn

raelynn

Cute but lethal

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

*img attachment* 

and not at all high...

raelynn.

you're so hot jesus christ.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you.

raelynn.

love u more than life itself

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

*img attachment of a keychain that says PUSSY WAGON* 

this was recommended to me on Instagram and now I want it.

raelynn

LET'S GET THEM MATCHING.

EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE A CAR

AND THEREFORE NO KEYS FOR SAID CAR

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

it would be perfect for my Volkswagen

raelynn.

omg and with me in it...it really WOULD be a pussy wagon......

big brain

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahahahah

raelynn

we should road trip soon

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I would love that so much honestly

raelynn

where should we go?

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

Disney world!!

raelynn

will u propose to me there

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

wouldn’t that be romantic as heck

raelynn.

THE most romantic and also we'd maybe get free dessert

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

I never turn down anything free.

raelynn

me neither. not the taylor family way

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahaha I love you.

raelynn.

we'll start planning a summer trip, just us.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

yay yay yay yay!

raelynn.

i'm gonna wear a tiara the whole time.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.BOT01/25/2021

with Mickey ears?

raelynn.BOT01/25/2021

of course, i'm not a monster.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

hahahaa

[...]

raelynn

I hate dudes.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

they’re a mess aren’t they lol

raelynn

Had a temporary lapse in sanity and agreed to meet Carson for coffee lol and he canceled like 15 mins before we were supposed to meet for a probably fake meeting lmao its so typical but I fell for it

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

babe I’m so sorry

raelynn

Like im just so tired

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧

how can I make it better

raelynn.

I don't know honestly and I wish I did.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

I love you.

raelynn

I love you.

𝐑𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧.

you’re my baby

raelynn

you're MY baby

[rosesupposes]

Some things from Taylor’s last show

I was in the mezz so I’m sure I missed some stuff but god, what a special show.

The audience was electric.

Applause at every entrance but ESPECIALLY her Meet the Plastics entrance.

She started crying during Someone Gets Hurt (as did I).

She went hard on the end of Fearless like damn.

In her treadmill scene with Mrs. George, she just broke and couldn’t stop laughing at Jenn and Jenn just encouraged it. It was amazing and hilarious.

She screamed for an extra long time after finding out about the Kalteen Bars it was so good.

WORLD BURN WORLD BURN WORLD BURN

The applause at the beginning and basically every time she opened her mouth was amazing.

All of it was just. SO. GOOD. but especially when she belted “mean” before the fight break.

You could tell this is where it was really getting her.

She didn’t belt the last “I wanna watch the world burn,” she just kind of said it and her voice was just so full of emotion and then she stopped and sobbed for a second and got a standing ovation.

This is also where everyone else started really losing it. During the gym scene before the apologies, the girls were struggling. Collins had to put her head in her lap to get herself together at one point. And Maria (who was on in Becca’s track) was actually crying during her “I wish we could all get along like in elementary school” speech.

The bus was just a little bit late but she had to keep yelling at Erika so she told her to shove her apology up her “fat, hairy pussy” on a Broadway stage. It was truly incredible. She apparently apologized to Tina Fey as she ran backstage to change.

The whole Spring Fling scene in the bathroom you could tell her and Erika were struggling not to just sob.

Taylor did not even look at Erika until she absolutely had too.

Erika tossed Taylor the piece of the crown that she normally throws to Riza.

Krystina and Taylor’s goofy Spring Fling dancing was extra on point.

During the part in Stars where all the principal girls sing together, Erika and Krystina just kept hugging Taylor.

Everyone squatted and did a drum roll for Taylor’s bow.

Tina came out and surprised Taylor with flowers and alcohol, which Taylor chugged.

The entire cast went hard tonight, honestly. Like no one ever slacks at Mean Girls but you could tell tonight was special and different.

Taylor was so, so gracious at the stage door. She signed for everyone and took pictures and talked to people and was just as lovely as ever.

I feel so, so lucky to have seen Taylor as Regina 4 times now but especially to have been at the August Wilson tonight.

[iveneverbeenanatural-13]

Update for today

Lockdown for Covid-19 March 27th

I guess I'm writing the story of my life...?

Things are better. Last night was rough because of depression and anxiety... I got to thinking why do I do this to myself? To be honest there is a lot I don't share with people and as a result I tend to break down at random times. I'm not looking for pity, more just friends... People who get it. I'm glad I started to post more on here as it feels sorta like a diary. And maybe right now that's what I need. Even if no one reads this that's ok.

Maybe I will just spell it all out. See what comes from it. So here it goes.

I haven't had a bad life. I'm only 23 but it just feels like a long life with many extra bumps in it... Things just manage not to go the way id like it to most of the time. So now I'm just used the noise. I had a good childhood but many many memories of a broken family. An angry dad (not necessarily towards us kids) a mom who coped with alcohol. I often took care of my siblings as the eldest of five. And there are many other things I won't mention... It was hard. It was dysfunctional. We'd have money then didn't. We'd have food then didn't. We'd have a week of no fighting with my parents and then they would be at each other's throats the next several weeks. We'd have moments of joy but usually short-lived moments. I'm not saying it was all bad. I have good memories too. Singing Taylor Swift songs to my mini laptop webcam is a memory I have. Making music with my brother was a good memory I have. And spending time with friends too.. it wasn't all bad...

Fast forward to about 3 years ago I thought I met the love of my life. Things seemed fine. But it was the calm before the storm. After my ex and I got together things sorta slowly started to get worse. My dad didn't support my relationship. He thought we were moving too fast. My mom wasnt happy and coped with more alcohol. And even tho they had briefly separated a couple years before I thought they wouldn't ever get divorced. Well I was wrong...

My ex and I tried so hard to make our relationship work. And I think I pushed things because I wanted some kind of happy ending. Most of my friends had gotten married or were in happy relationships. This was my first real relationship. So I thought this could be the last. There were constant fights and bitterness started to grow between us... We were co-dependent. We tried to live on our own but due to a mental illness he had, he had a hard time keeping a job. So we were just CONSTANTLY STRUGGLING. It just became not a safe place anymore. We did get engaged after about a year. My dad didn't agree and we didn't have any wedding help. My friends tried to help but it was almost like people didn't take us seriously. Which hurt because I was always there for them whether I agreed with their decisions or not. My mom straight up left my Dad and moved into her own place. I was in between a lot when it came to my mom and dad. Trying to help them to get along for my sister's sake. But there were many fights or my mom getting so drunk that the police were called... DISCLAIMER: I want to say. My parents aren't bad parents. They're just broken.

My ex and I were under so much never-ending stress. We broke up and got back together several times. It was awful. Words were said, feelings were hurt, then we'd forgive and start all over again. I like to think that was the burning Red Taylor was talking about. We loved each other so much. But it wasn't a healthy lifestyle. You lose yourself. You lose who you want to be just so you can help keep the other person from drowning. After two years my parents were officially getting divorced. My dad had gone through severe depression so I moved into his place because I honestly was afraid he would kill himself. That was rough. I had also briefly moved into my moms to help her. This was the breaking point for her. And I had to get my sisters who were living with her at the time and help them to pack up and leave. They no longer wanted to be there. Leaving her behind and closing her apartment door while glimpsing her looking so sad was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Time went on. We finally got through that. I got through that.

During this time I had lost friends. Or at least we didn't talk much anymore. I think they just didn't know how to approach me. And I know they didn't mean it. I was in a place where I couldn't be reached. Later my mom had left our state of NC and moved about 45 mins away to SC with her new Boyfriend. We like him. He's nice. And she's doing so much better! My dad had met a lady and got engaged rather quickly in my opinion lol. But as long as he's happy. When things finally started to calm down a bit with my family the damage had already been done in my relationship. It wouldn't stop. The fighting the arguing. Even after we had moved to our own little house. But it was still my home. I had my cats and my own space. I loved it. Well, back in November a huge fight had occurred and we believed we shouldn't be living together for the time being. I moved in with my grandmother.. I went back and forth a lot. Set up for Christmas and we even got to go on a little vacation. I hadn't been on a vacation in so long. Yet again, it was the calm before another storm. One night in December, the Friday before Christmas (my absolute favorite holiday) I got a call. It was my ex. He said he couldn't do it anymore. And that he was breaking up with me. He said he couldn't tell me face to face because it would be too hard and he probably would change his mind. And I cried. And begged him not too. This all happened after a particularly hard argument we had the day before. Where I had done something wrong and I did apologize for it. But it just wasn't enough... And that was it. The end of my 2-year whirlwind relationship. I was heartbroken. He got really angry and was just saying really mean things to me. Personal things that really affected me. I had to go get all my stuff. Leave one of my kitties behind and give the other one up because I couldn't bring her with me. She is rehomed to one of my best friends. She had been there through pretty much all of it. I'm so grateful I have her. I saw my ex went on a date after 3 weeks. And yeah. It was awful. I felt like the scum of the earth.

And I thought that was it... Hahaha It wasn't. I missed my period for the whole month of January. I didn't even think anything of it. Then I finally took a test. And LOW AND BEHOLD it was positive. My whole life took a fucking turn in one second and I was literally losing my mind. So yeah. Fast forward to now. I'm 16 weeks. Working through my severe depression and anxiety. I had had plans to really work on myself but now that I'm pregnant you can't really take many medications during this time. And that's very hard as I have trouble functioning normally day today... I was looking for a job for months and when I finally found one Covid-19 showed its ugly head and I lost that job. And now I'm here. Not sure of how I'm going to provide for this baby. But the father and I have much a better relationship then we've ever had. We are not back together tho. There's still struggles and obstacles but at this point it's just part of my life. So that's it more or less. That's where I'm at now. I'm very grateful that even tho my family isn't together we all still show up for each other. And even tho I sometimes still get stuck between my dad and moms problems they're still alive and well. And now I have a baby. Which was my ultimate dream. I guess I just want to know that I can provide a really good life for it. As these are not the circumstances I had wished for myself. And that it's childhood is better than my childhood or even my ex's. He struggled too... I'm scared right now because I can't work and I'm constantly battling these demons. But at the same time I know somehow it'll all work out... Eventually... You know what I hope for myself tho? That I find a love that's golden. Not red.