#i hope hes a nasty calculative person who sees people as opportunities more than anything. but ofc with capacity to...maybe somewhat care

[redstrewn]

Yes to be evil but i hope we cry w how much of a bitch leanders real personality is

[marmolady]

Homecoming: Part Three

Continued from PART ONE and PART TWO

Main Pairings: Estela x (f)MC, Graleister, Variego

Summary: Endless Ending. It's the final leg of Taylor and Estela's journey; taking them to Northbridge and old friends... but leaving others behind.

Word Count: 5905

Chronology: After ’The New Taylor’ and ’A Ride to Remember’, sort of midway through ’Inheritance’.

Tagging: @saivilo, @edgydepressedchoicesthot, @sceptilemasterr, @greengroove @mauvecatfic​

Thanks for reading!

The echoey halls of the long-since abandoned Celestial rang with grunts and the deafening blows of metal against concrete, marble and glass. The figure of one Estela Montoya-- sledgehammer in hand-- emerged from the billowing clouds of dust, pausing her onslaught only to check in with her wife, who’d been exerting herself more than Estela was completely comfortable with.

Taylor stood up straight, panting, and wiped sweat from her brow. The slight tremble to her knees did not go unnoticed.

“Mi amor, I think you’re done.”

“Done?” Taylor heaved. “I’m no-- yeah, I’m done. I am officially….” She leaned against a wall, and let her baseball bat clatter to the fall. “I’m officially… all emotionally-released out.”

“I’m happy to hear that, cariña.” Estela put her free arm around Taylor, steadying her. “How about I pull up a chair for you so you can keep me company until I’m done?”

“I would like that a lot.”

Soon, Taylor was peacefully reclining on a deck chair brought from the poolside, and sipping a drink from a coconut, while Estela kept up her demolition crusade around her.

Taking down the old resort was a laborious process, one that had begun many months ago when the Catalysts first began stripping the hotel of anything that could be utilised in the small village that had become their sanctuary at the end of the world. Soon after Taylor, Estela, Jake, Grace and Aleister returned to the island, the resort had been gone over with a fine-toothed comb, with anything to be saved carefully removed for safe keeping. Now, what remained of the resort was ripe for a smashing, and once Iris had identified load-bearing structures to be careful of, the bare bones of the once grand Celestial was the site of a purge of a thousand pent-up emotions. There had never been any doubt to Taylor that such an opportunity for catharsis would do the world of good for Estela… but she hadn’t anticipated just how much she herself had needed to expel from her body in screaming blow after screaming blow. She could not begin to count how many times she’d closed her eyes and seen the people she loved murdered at the hands of Everett Rourke… to set fire to every last piece of trace of his awful smug face had the effect of leaving her feeling about ten tonnes lighter. It was everything she’d needed, and as she laid back and watched Estela smash through her own demons, she had to hope… this would be a corner turned for them both.

“Hey….”

Taylor turned her head, and grinned at the sight of Diego cautiously coming towards her.

“Hey!”

“There’s no, uh… debris flying around here is there?”

“Ha. I think you’re safe for now. Estela would have me in a hard-hat if there was any danger.”

Unable to argue with that logic, Diego sat down in the space Taylor made for him beside her.

“I’m just, you know… watching ‘Stel catharting.”

“Yeah, I can see that. Your eyes are bugging right out your head.”

Taylor shrugged and relaxed back in her chair, her gaze still following Estela as she flexed her muscles… which were on fine display beneath a thin tank top. “It’s a nice view; what of it?”

Diego chuckled. “Oh, nothing; nothing at all. Your face is just an absolute picture.”

Every now and then, Estela would glance over her shoulder, and-- sure enough-- Taylor would still be looking at her with the most ridiculous exaggerated heart eyes. God, how Estela loved that dork. Happy that Taylor was taking a well-earned rest, she could focus on her renewed onslaught; slamming into walls, structures… and any little thing that carried that cursed name.

A gargantuan crash had Estela rush to the vast kitchens. The air was thick with dust, already coating the once sparkling bench-tops.

“Grace?”

She needn’t have worried. The woman who emerged from the dust clouds carried a look of determined strength and fierce confidence.

Grace pulled down her earmuffs, her expression softening as she met eyes with Estela. “I didn’t scare you? I, um….” She chuckled bashfully. “I think I had something big and angry I had to get out my system… and it was a little bigger and angrier than I anticipated.”

Estela gave a small nod. “Fair. Things things can just… take over you.”

She knew from experience what that could do to a person. And she had an indelible mark upon her face to prove it.

“Well,” she said, “if you need to talk or anything… I’m maybe not the best at that kind of thing, but I’m here, okay?”

Grace smiled broadly, genuinely touched. “Thank you. And so you know, the offer extends the other way as well.”

It seemed pretty inevitable that old hurts are going to come up amidst all this releasing of pent-up emotion. Surrounded by support, it was a challenge that could be faced. Estela was certain that whatever poison bubbled to the surface, whatever old hurt took her by surprise, it would not be her burden to carry alone. She shook herself back into the zone, and in one fell swoop, took out the last support holding up the bar, which crumbled with a satisfying crack. It felt good. And so, she continued smashing out her demons… whilst remaining just close enough that she could run to Grace’s aid should she get in too deep.

Slowly but surely, Estela got back into her rhythm. Letting herself feel, and hurt… and then letting everything come pouring out.

With a guttural roar, she brought the hammer down hard. Again… and again. For everything Rourke had done…. For the hope for a safe future the bastard had dangled in front of Estela’s mother. For how callously he’d brutally ended that kind, intelligent, beautiful life, then turned around and talked of love. How even when his own demise was inevitable, the sadistic determination he’d had to make his last act the one of killing Taylor. For all those terrible nights Estela had been woken up by her poor wife screaming over deaths at his hands playing out before her, again and again. That demon had blighted every single person he touched. Lies… cruelty… and in his wake a bloody trail. Oh, but if he could see his precious Celestial now… that wicked smug satisfaction would be wiped clean off his disgusting face. Faster, harder, Estela threw herself behind every blow, letting out everything… the hatred gushing forth deep and profound, an all-encompassing whirl that her straining body could barely keep up with.

Her chest heaved. Her arms ached. As Estela watched the last rubble fall around her, a deep exhale took with her breath the emotional torment that had for so long existed in her like a sickness. She closed her eyes, and lay down the sledgehammer. She’d yelled her voice hoarse; her throat burned, and she had no screams left to yell. Slowly, panting heavily while tears and sweat still dripped from her face, she collected herself... taking in the sounds of water spraying from a burst pipe, and the aggressive grunts coming from the kitchen, where Grace was clearly still working through some stuff.

“Stupid… blasted… counter…!”

“Are you okay in there, Grace?”

There was a pause in the frustrated bellowing, then came the voice that seemed too absurdly gentle to have come from the very same person.

“I think I’ve discovered the limit to my own strength.”

Thinking she might as well lend a hand, Estela picked up her hammer and-- carefully maneuvering herself over the mess she’d wrought-- made her way back to the kitchen. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Furball snuffling around through the debris-- more than likely, he’d come in with Fenix, who’d been following Taylor around. Estela gave a low whistle.

“Are you going to be helpful? I’m sure Grace will appreciate it.”

“Mrrp!” Furball cocked his head, looking worriedly at the tear-tracks upon Estela’s face. “Prr?”

Well, that’s kinda sweet. Estela knelt down and gave the little blue fox a reassuring scritch behind the ears, then pulled up her singlet to wipe her face. “It’s all right. I’m all right. Sometimes feeling things is good for you, you know?” Then she stood up, again all action. “Come on, then.”

“You’re, uh, having a little trouble, then?” she asked as she rounded the door.

Grace, taken by surprise, jumped about a foot in the air.

“Oh!” She laughed. “You just about gave me a heart attack!”

“Sorry. I’ve been told I have a bad habit of sneaking up on people.”

“I wouldn’t say it’s a bad habit. I’ve had much worse surprises, I can tell you.” Grace tapped a sturdy steel counter with the hammer she’d been using to smash up the kitchen. “You caught me trying and failing to take out my feelings on this hapless counter. But it looks like even my feelings about my mother aren’t cutting the mustard-- and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t calculated the most efficient angle of attack.”

Estela couldn’t help but snort a laugh. “You do always think things through. Here,” she said, offering her heavy sledgehammer. “Between you, this baby, and Furball, I think you should be able to smash out a few more feelings.”

Grace took a moment to study her sister-in-law’s face, and it didn’t take long to ascertain that Estela wasn’t just doing fine… she looked really… very well. Lighter maybe. She grinned. This little foray into demolition had been exactly what the doctor ordered.

“I’ll certainly try.”

It was getting dark by the time Estela and Grace-- and Furball-- retreated back to the entrance foyer, ready to leave behind The Celestial for good. Aleister was having a nasty cut on his forehead seen to by Taylor, who had with her the miracle ointment made from the healing leaves.

This, Estela supposed, was what happened when you weren’t quite careful enough about where you directed a lifetime’s worth of anger. And exactly why she’d kept a close eye on Grace… some people just don’t have the competence to throw around a heavy bludgeon.

“Oh, Al, sweetheart!”

Estela forced herself not to roll her eyes, no matter how excessive the fuss. A bit of care and affection had done wonders for Aleister’s disposition, and she was not about to challenge it… especially when she was pretty sure she acted a damn fool herself when the love-goggles were on.

“I, uh,” he muttered, his cheeks pinkening with unmissable delight as Grace took him in her arms, “seem to have clocked myself about the head in an attempt at putting a poker through one of my father’s portraits. The mind boggles… how many images he needed of his own smug face in here….”

“I’m guessing Jake’s still off making sure we got them all?” The absence of the final member of the group had struck Estela-- the lack of snarky remarks and stupid nicknames was glaring. With his intended surrender to authorities looming, and along with it the inevitable facing up to Mike’s family, Jake would be feeling… a lot. If he needed space, his friends would give it, no questions asked.

Diego’s eyes were puffy, and Taylor’s soft with clear concern for her friend. But, of course, how could Diego be even remotely all right? That Estela was seeing him at all was something of a surprise; time with the one he loved was running out fast.

Perhaps he’d seen the question in her eyes, for he said; “I wanted to take one last look at the place before it’s all torn down.” He gave a weak laugh. “Take a moment to remember the poor fish from my beautiful old aquarium room… which became a lot less cool once they’d all gone belly-up. It now looks like Finding Nemo: The Horror Cut, and the smell is… pretty bad.”

“I could have told you that choosing a room with live decorations isn’t the best idea in an abandoned hotel.”

Aleister chuckled, giving his sister an appreciative glance. She might have been something of a brute, but he’d long since conceded that she did in fact hold a few of the family brain cells.

“Trust me,” Diego said, “I’m keeping it in mind for next time.”

It was a long and quiet trek back to Elyys’tel and Catalyst Village; each member of the group was lost in their own thoughts. Varyyn had only just made the journey himself-- he’d given his husband space to say goodbye to a piece of his life that he could never understand, but had returned for him. They strode side by side at the back of the pack… always touching. It was those little touches… the ones they both knew were always offered in a heartbeat, that would perhaps be missed most.

“Hey,” Taylor said gently, slowing so she could walk beside her best friend. “If you want to, you’re welcome to crash at our place tonight. I’m sure we can snag a mattress from someone else’s house so you’ve got plenty of snuggle space.”

“I don’t wanna disturb you, you know? You’d be just upstairs… and there will be crying. Besides, just camping out under the stars together… it might be nice.”

When they reached the village, Diego and Varyyn peeled off from the rest of the group, quietly settling on a secluded stretch of the cove where, for a time, it could be as though there were not a soul in the world but for the two of them.

“I feel like I’m wasting the time we have,” Diego mumbled guiltily. “You’re right here with me, and I can’t even make the most of it because it’s like I’m drowning in… in feeling sad.”

“We are together, my beloved,” Varyyn said gently. “That is, ‘the most’ of any time. The most there ever can be. You always give me the truth of you, and now, that is very, very sad.” He trailed off. “…As am I.”

Diego exhaled deeply, pressing himself against Varyyn’s larger frame and feeling safe. There was no shame in his emotions; he was understood, and cherished in all his raw edges. Varyyn had never asked for anything more of him. It was the reason he had to courage to follow his passion and give himself a chance to grow into what he knew was his truest self… but the road to get there would be testing.

“I will see you every day-- I have become very proficient at the ‘phone’. And we can talk many, many hours. Being elyyshar has some benefits. If I am with you, the council can wait.”

“Even if Seraxa has steam coming out her ears?”

Chuckling in spite of his deep sadness, for he had to do whatever he could to give his beloved what strength he could offer, Varyyn nodded. “Even if.” He squeezed Diego closer, and let his eyes flutter shut, focusing on the very feel of him there in his arms… the way it was meant to be. The way it would be again, for their spirits were irrevocably entwined. “And it will not be long before we are together again. You have heard Taylor talking; she is not going to rest until she finds a way for me to visit you, and in the meantime….”

“I’m just a call away.” Diego wiped away his tears, then brought his hand to Varyyn’s face and guided him into a slow and tender kiss. Just a call away. Just a call away….

Further up the beach, Jake had taken himself for a walk along the sand-- cold beer in hand, and looking up at a wide open night sky for the last time for… well, he didn’t really want to get up on how long.

“Do you want company?”

How long Estela had been lurking behind him, Jake didn’t have the foggiest idea… nor did he know how she managed to sneak up silently on such soft shifting sand. He shrugged.

“Be my guest. Might be a nice distraction from my own thoughts. It ain’t as if I won’t have plenty of time alone with those in the near future….”

“It’s a pity Aleister’s already gone to bed. There’s nothing quite like getting up his nose to keep you out of your own head.”

Jake smirked. Old Malfoy had his weird ways of expressing friendship. Guy would call you an imbecile on one hand and throw tens of thousands at bulking up your legal defense on the other. Something told him that the fights they’d get in over the stupidest goddamn things was just another one of Aleister’s wonky emotionally-repressed attempts at building bonds. And for what it was worth, it actually worked-- with Jake anyway. Any excuse to give Daddy Issues a well-aimed friendly jab.

Estela, on the other hand, didn’t dance around the point with petty jibes and pedantic exchanges. Straight to the point, as she knew Jake had come to expect.

“Look. You are going to clear your names. And Mike is gonna be remembered for the hero he was. We’ll make it happen, all right?” She held his gaze, fierce with resolve, and saw that same fire reflected back at her. “I swear to you… if I have to make it happen my goddamn self. When we’re done, people will be wishing Lundgren had a grave so they could dance on it.”

Jake clapped Estela on the shoulder. “Aw, Katniss. I know we always said Princess was queen of the pep talk, but between you and me, she ain’t got nothing on you.”

“Then make it worth my breath.” She pulled him into a tight hug. “I’m not fucking losing you, you hear?”

“Crystal, Ripley. Crystal damn clear.”

Her face buried in his unkempt hair, Estela fought back the tears that stung her eyes. “Good.”

Pulling away, Jake discretely wiped his own eyes, disguising the movement by running a hand over his stubble. He looked out over the world that had become his home and felt peace.

“You know what? I’m really gonna miss this place.”

Estela followed his gaze across the island, the towers of The Celestial just visible in the distance, and Atropo gently puffing smoke out into the night air.

“Yes. I think I’ll always come back. Maybe we could come here together for like… reunions. All of us,” she made a point of specifying, letting any doubt of her faith in their ability to bring Jake home be put paid to. “We should never forget what happened here.” Nor what we all meant to one another. Her eyes wandered back to her own home in the village, where she knew Taylor was waiting, already going through her bedtime routine. Estela’s heart thrummed with affection. How could they ever stay away?

“I guess, Katniss... I’ll be seeing ya at the reunion.”

Again, she found herself choked up. Enough of this. It was time for bed… before she was a complete mess.

“You bet your ass I will,” she growled.

___________________________

God, it’s cold; Taylor’s first thought as she stepped into the gate from the massive aeroplane. Straight from the tropical climes that had been her normal, even the Massachusetts summer  hit her as distinctly chilly. The very novelty of the crisp night air and the lack of her usual permanent layer of humidity-induced sweat was wonderfully exhilarating. This really was something new.

The flight, coming off the five hour journey to Costa Rica and a three hour stop-over, had been utterly draining for most of the group; Taylor was for once grateful for her recently-acquired ability to fall asleep at the drop of the hat. She’d spent most of the duration snuggled up with her head on Estela’s shoulder-- Estela never slept on planes-- and her legs tucked beside Diego’s while he distracted himself from his thoughts with the in-flight entertainment. Aside from the discomfort of sitting in a confined space for hours on end, the emotional onslaught took its toll. Jake had stayed with the group as far as Costa Rica, then left the others to take their flight to Northbridge. Public interest in ‘The Hartfeld Ten’ had waned somewhat, but if they turned up back in the country with a wanted man, an unnecessary hoo-ha seemed inevitable. At any rate, Jake had been adamant that he hit American soil as close to his home as he could swing it, which had put him on a plane to Dallas that left an hour after the Northbridge flight. There had, of course, been tears, but when Jake waved them onto their last leg home, he hadn’t been saying goodbye as someone dreading what lay ahead, so much as a man ready and determined to finally put everything right. For Mike, and for himself.

Through customs and baggage claim, Taylor took in everything; it was utterly bizarre that she’d never set foot in this country before, but so many of her friends’ life experiences-- the memories that had informed her very creation-- had created an impossible feeling of familiarity. It was as if she were seeing simple things for both the first time and the hundredth, simultaneously. She stayed close to Diego, who had been quiet from the moment the plane took off in La Huerta.

“That’s everything, right?” she checked in with him as she hauled a duffle bag off the carousel, only to have it promptly commandeered by Estela. That’s still too much for me to be lugging around? Point taken.

“Well, unless you’re intending to leave Madam and Fenix behind the Animal Arrivals desk in their pet-packs indefinitely….”

“I’ll have you know, wise-guy, that I haven’t forgotten them. Just… putting off having to deal with the foul mood we can expect from Madam Mierdita.”

Estela turned back to her wife with a smirk. “Her I’ll let you carry.”

“Gee, thanks.” Taylor caught Diego’s little snort of laughter at her expense. Okay, a laugh out of Diego is definitely worth incurring the wrath of the little monster.

Finally, they stepped out the Arrivals doors, trolleys loaded up with heavy luggage and two very curious furry travelers.

“Do you think they’re here ye--” Grace had been wondering out loud before-- “Sean! Michelle!”

Even in a bustling crowd, Sean was easy to spot, head and shoulders over most of the people surrounding him. An effusive Michelle darted into the walkway, sweeping both Taylor and Estela into an embrace, and guiding her small band of weary friends out the way of the rush.

“You wouldn’t believe how good it is to see you all!” She held Taylor at arms length, giving a quick appraisal and then going back in for a hug, satisfied. “You look amazing. Death’s door is all in the past.”

“Oh my god,” Taylor choked out, “it’s not even been a minute and my face is already aching from smiling so much!”

“I’ve been trying to convince Michelle not to worry about you too much,” Sean said as he came out of a hug with Grace to give Taylor’s shoulder a squeeze, “if there’s anyone who can pull a miracle comeback, it’s our Taylor.”

Perhaps it was guilt, but Taylor felt a violent swing of emotion. This wasn’t a victory yet. “We’ve just got to keep that lucky streak going a little while longer… bring us all home.”

A cloud of sadness passed over Sean’s eyes, but his warm smile remained. “No one’s throwing the towel in. Not by a long shot. But my Momma always taught me to savour the wins along the way… and seeing what it was you came back from, this is a big one.”

Taylor exhaled heavily. You’ve got to let it go… just for now. Letting yourself by happy is going to make you stronger when it matters. But it sure was hard. She could see that guilt reflected in Estela’s eyes… which she caught and was met with a tender smile that told her it would all, somehow, be okay.

“Right!” Michelle said. “We were thinking, Diego, Taylor, Estela in the big car with me-- there’s room for the pet carriers in the back. I am dying to show you the house! Aleister and Grace, if you want to go with Sean, he could either take you straight to your place or you can swing by and say ‘hi’ to the masses.”

Grace beamed. “Oh, we will most definitely be swinging round to say ‘hi’!”

“Please tell me Raj hasn’t thrown us some raucous, moronic homecoming party…,” Aleister muttered under his breath.

“You were joking when you said there might be something party-like waiting for us, yeah?” Taylor queried from the back seat of Michelle’s car as they turned onto the freeway.

“The ‘might be’ was only because I wanted to break it to Aleister gently. You’re going home to a party. Period.”

“They do know that we’ve been travelling non-stop for more hours than I care to count, right?”

“Oh, don’t even get me started!” Michelle huffed. “Before you completely panic, I’ve already laid down the law that whenever you’re done, it is done.”

Taylor chuckled nervously, exchanging a glance with an equally trepidatious Diego through the mirror. “I’m going to give Al all of five minutes before he high-tails it out of there.”

Michelle sighed. “The Raj party train is fairly unstoppable. But,” she added with a little twinkle in her eye, “no one is brave or stupid enough to stir up a sleep-deprived Estela, so I’ve been assured it will all be low-key.”

“You’re welcome,” said Estela.

The car pulled up a short while later in front of a big timber-clad house. A really big timber-clad house. Two storeys and --from what Taylor could see-- a window looking out of a loft space as well.

“Wow…,” she breathed.

“Damn,” said Diego, who’d been quiet for most of the journey. “You weren’t kidding when you said you splashed out….”

Michelle shrugged, but her delight in her friends’ reactions couldn’t be hidden. “You do remember that there’s going to be eight of us living there? Including one Craig Hsiao. We were getting a house with space, or we wouldn’t be doing this at all. Again, all credit to Estela for funding this. I’m still not convinced you’re not a little crazy, but there’s no way I’m complaining. This place is gorgeous.”

As she unloaded Madam in her pet-pack, Estela kept glancing up at the house, a curious expression on her face.

“Hey…,” Taylor said, giving her wife’s fingers a squeeze. “Are you okay, love?”

“Yeah, it’s just… weird. I don’t feel comfortable with thanks, I guess. We needed somewhere to stay, I’ve got money now… it’s not like it’s some noble deed or anything.”

Michelle gave a dry laugh. “I saved your life, you gave me money to buy a big-ass house… don’t worry, we’re even.”

Just then, the front door swung open and Quinn bounded out, the broadest of smiles across her face. “You guys! Welcome home!”

“Quinn!”  Taylor put Fenix’s crate on the ground and leaped into a waiting hug… and by the time she lifted her head, she was completely surrounded.

“You made it, brah!”

“Dude-- du-u-uude!”

Suddenly, the hugs were coming from all directions.

Okay, I’m definitely home.

The three new arrivals were quickly roped into a brief house tour, starting with the main lounge, which to everyone’s relief, was not in fact set up for a rager. A few streamers and a ‘welcome home’ banner was the extent of visible party. As Raj explained, the main housewarming shindig would be happening once everyone was actually awake enough to enjoy it. Maybe in a day or two.

“And this,” Quinn announced, after having left a wide-eyed and stuttering Diego to explore his new digs, complete with a enormous screen from which to call Varyyn and digital copies of what appeared to be every major movie and television release from the eighteen months he was away on La Huerta, “is yours.”

She opened a door to a staircase up to the loft-space.

“We really hope you like it.”

Again, Estela’s expression twisted to one of poorly hidden discomfort. Taylor gently took her hand and led the way, understanding. That strange mixture of what she was adjusting to… feeling part of a close group of friends who wanted to look after her and that awareness, now pretty hard to ignore, that she now had money to her name… it was all rather a lot, especially after a long day’s travel.

Quinn, either by reading her friend like a book or by plain instinct, gave the couple some space. “You just take all the time you need. If you want, I can bring Madam up here so you can settle her in? We’ll all be downstairs with hot cocoa waiting whenever you’re ready.”

Taylor turned and gave a slow nod. The emotions rolling through her were overwhelming-- to be once again surrounded by almost the entirety of her family was more wonderful than she could say, and yet, it made the ache of Jake’s fate hanging in the balance all the more obvious. She was excited, and drained, and so fucking grateful for the love she was receiving in spades. That was how she was going to get through. That was how they were all going to get through.

“Thanks, Quinn-- you’re the best. I think Madam will be really happy to get out of that box.”

They reached the top of the stairs and switched on the light.

“Wow,” Estela said softly, her cheeks flushing a little. “This is really nice.”

After what had been put together for Diego, neither of them had known what to expect, but Estela and Taylor’s huge room was wonderfully simple and homey. A big comfy armchair in the corner, a wooden bookcase to match the bed, and a lovely soft rug underfoot… all the essentials for their private bolthole. Two arched windows tilted up to a beautiful view of a starry night. They had their own ensuite bathroom, which both regarded as a definite plus with six other people sharing the house-- including one Michelle Nguyen who did have a reputation for taking her time in front of the mirror. What struck Taylor most, though, were the small thoughtful  touches scattered around the whole place. The many, many photographs that had been hung on the walls… a brand new knitting basket for all of her bits and bobs… fancy lotions that had come from The Elysian… the beautiful painting Quinn had gifted them upon their first anniversary… and perhaps Taylor’s favourite, a little plush dragon that had been propped up on the pillows.

Estela flopped backwards onto the luxurious mattress and exhaled, long and deep. Letting the feeling sink in… the feeling of being welcomed home with open arms. Known, and accepted, and loved. Without opening her eyes, she extended an arm, which Taylor wriggled under to be brought into a soft embrace. They were one more step closer to ‘happily ever after’. On their way to peace and healing.

Taylor saw it there already. Her sweet warrior, at ease with the world… and making her thrum with devotion.

They’d made it this far… so very far. Time for the next chapter.

[struwwelzeter]

So I read your reply to Nyarisu's comment on Lionheart and I'm really intrigued by your comments about how people understand punk compared to what it was initially. Could I possibly ask you to expand on this? Pretty please?

Yes you could! This is a very (very?) personal point of view and I know a lot of people will disagree, but here goes nothing, I guess. If you disagree with me (and somebody will), that’s fine, but I will not engage with anything that’s not a constructively put argument. I’ve spend too much time thinking about this for a “I don’t like what you’re saying and that’s why you’re wrong” anon to change my mind. Just putting that out there - with love 💜.

The thing is, especially on tumblr but I think just in generally aswell, the idea of punk is presented as this ... Robin Hood kind of thing. Beat the system, stand up to bullies, live your own truth, all of that, but it always is presented as something that is supposed to come from a ... dare I say, nice place? Like those pictures of people in studded and sprayed leather jackets rescuing puppies. All of that, you know? And I don’t want to say that is wrong, because it isn’t, and I love the idea of that, it’s just not the entire truth.

Especially in the early to mid 70s, when arguably punk started, there was a lot of fatigue between an old and stuffy establishment and the lovey, dovey peace and love “let’s all be happy” movement of the hippie scene. I was at Force Attack in 2006, which is a punk festival (and possibly dirtiest place in the world) that got established in the early 90s and went on til 2008 (?), and even then some of the “death to hippies” sentiments ran pretty deep. And I know the counter argument to that will be a well meaning “well, that’s not real punk,” the problem is that I think it actually partly is. (Please keep the partly in mind for the rest of this argument.)

The problem with having the exact choice between “get a good job, built a nice house, think of what the neighbours will say, and don’t ask me about what I did in the war” and “we’re all a big part of one human family, and isn’t nature beautiful, lets all make peace, and btw we would have never done what our parents did” is that both models aren’t a sustainable life style for everyone. That’s why you get alot of people saying this is all fake bullshit, and they start being purposely offensive. This is why you get alot of Swastikas around the sex pistols, you get all these artists singing about suicide and incest and rape. It’s not that uncommon for some of those early acts to play with Nazi imagery, or claim that homosexuality is disgusting (despite the scene always being full of LGBTQ+ people), or idk, thinking it’s fun to piss on someone while they’re asleep. It’s alot of outcry, of saying life actually is this shitty and disgusting and I am gonna be that because in a way you will hate me either way. And it’s not always nice. Disdain and hate and petty selfishness are common human emotions and many of them are low and unhealthy, and honestly not nice or helpful or inclusive, but they are there, and I think alot of that early spirit was just about stopping to pretend that they don’t exist.

I think a reason for why we don’t think of the scene that way anymore is that many people very quickly outgrew that, and said “actually, we’re better than that, that’s not who we actually are. I sadly can’t find that interview right now, but Die Ärzte are actually a good exemple of that and they even admit it themselves, that there was a sense of “enough with the happy hippie bullshit, let’s disgust them” and then later going “uhmm - maybe that went a bit far.” I mean offensive or not, but ultimately a scene that is centered around artistic expression always ends with that question of creation, maybe like “if the world isn’t like what we want it to be, how do we make one we like?” - and then you end up with having to come up with answers that are more than just destruction. And then it turns into something else - something that I think is alot more like what tumblr seems to think punk is. And that’s a wonderful thing. Still - a side of punk, whatever that is, has always been what people like GG Allin (please read the wiki for context) have taken and pushed to the limits, and it just - isn’t nice. And here is where things get a bit tricky.

Because against that backdrop, things like John Lydon (Johnny Rotten) suddenly being a dirty old Trump supporter aren’t that surprising anymore. And then you get these 20 year olds “cancelling” the Sex Pistols, and I think there is just a bit of ... missing the point going on. I’ve read a comment on here recently, that basically said something like Richard should stop supporting the Sex Pistols (because he has that album in the back of the studio), and it’s just ... asking for a history to be erased that has rightfully been made obsolete but has still happened and was necessary at the time. You can take any of these early bands and pick their lyrics apart and find something that from our perspective now is disgusting, mean, exclusive, or outright racist. Songs about Fucking? Part of that record is a mysogynisy shitshow, something they were very aware of even at the time, and they still did it anyway because being disgusting was part of the point. The thing is though, the Sex Pistols were hugely influential, and alot of the positive things that grew out of that wouldn’t have been possible if kids like young Richard, or any of the bands you love that were influenced by them, wouldn’t have gotten that moment of “finally a place where I can put all of my petty hate”. It matters, and just because that moment is overcome, it doesn’t mean it should be forgotten, or stops existing in the people that lived through it.

I understand that the question of how much we should justify things with “it was the time” and how we deal with the result is an ever ongoing debate and their are many good arguments for why maybe we shouldn’t try to defend the wrongs of the past that way, and I want to point out that while I rarely agree on that in the first place (because I understand history as a natural learning curve where people aren’t perfect at the first try and it’s doing a disservice to humans just doing their best, but I digress and that’s a bit of another duscussion), I want to point out that I don’t want to defend anyone, rather I want to say “actually, being that horrible was often calculated, part of the point, and if you don’t like it, just leave it, fight it or debate it, but don’t pretend like it was a “missstep” or just a few black sheep of a scene that was never as nice or perfect as you want it to be.” You don’t get to erase half of a movement simply because you wish it wouldn’t exist the way it does - or well. I guess in this case mostly did - past tense.

The ugliness is part of the story to me, and it’s actually the bigger part of why I love this scene. I don’t need “punk” to define my politics, I need it to soothe my soul, and so did many, I think. The Sex Pistols breaking happened 20 years before my time, but I still feel connected to that world, and in particular the ugly parts of it. I often feel like I look at the world, and there are people that seem honestly shocked by the idea that maybe sometimes I find doing the right thing really hard, that I want petty, self serving revenge, that I don’t find it easy to not be selfish and unkind or sometimes want to hurt people because I am hurting myself and see an opportunity to do that. Obviously those aren’t nice things and I don’t want to be that way, but are you honestly telling me you don’t feel that? I find that hard to believe, and it leaves me with an ongoing question of if I am just worse than most people or if most people are just more fake. Both scenarios are equally shit. The ugly side of punk provides - not an answer to that - but maybe a partial solution, at least for me.

Another discussion we have all the time is about how what we consume or allow in artistic expression is influencing how we act as people in real life and how we want the world to be. Where do we draw the line? What is still ok? If I put me entertaining ideas about murder on a canvas, is that still good? what if it’s racism? What if it’s rape? We argue alot about how providing a safe space in art for those feelings is actually preventing us from acting on it in real life, how it’s an outlet of something we would never actually want or do, but then where is the limit to that? I am putting this intentionally controversial, but if we admit that most of us grow up with internalized racism and mysogyny, by that logic, why can’t I paint something that is blatantly hateful if I have those feelings? Maybe that is my way of fighting it, you don’t have to look at it? Not saying that’s what I am doing or would want to do, but what if? For some people Rammstein singing about not wanting to be Angels is crossing that line, for some of us that line is drawn alot later. Who is right? Isn’t that just personal sensitivity? Can you honestly rationalise that? Isn’t it just processing our different levels of petty hate in different ways? I don’t have the answers to any of that, it’s just questions I often have and that I think have to do with this, because alot of the nasty bits in punk will justify it exactly that way, as artistic expression. Alot of it isn’t as political as this scene is made out to be, it’s simply asking those things. I personally relate to that alot, as someone who arguably would draw the line of “we should stop doing this” in art very, very, very late - and certainly later than my own personal comfort zone.

I’m not sure if any of this makes any sense at all. I hope it does - and if it doesn’t it’s probably because I don’t know either, or because I don’t want to fully blow this up into an essay (sorry, too late?) or because I suck at making a point, or maybe because we simply disagree. All I know is that I sometimes see these posts of “what is punk and what isn’t” and it leaves me with this taste of “you’re describing a utopia and it’s cute and I want that too, but it’s not everything punk as I know it is, and it feels like you don’t want to see something that mattered too - even if it was brutal and disgusting.” And everytime I see it I feel alien, like something that mattered to me so much as a teenager and young adult gets taken away from me and made into something so sleek and pretty it becomes something unattainable to be that I simply don’t manage to live up to in the way I would like. I guess that is a petty, selfish way of looking at it too.

«It's a repressive society where you can't be horrible, I'm not horrible, they made me horrible, I'm just honest.»

- John Lydon

[honeydewplaydough]

Childish Laughter & Bleeding Scars

Cross posted on AO3 !  Can you guys tell me that Nie Mingjue is my favorite character lol?

What an unfortunate sight he must be, thought Nie Mingjue as he sputtered out blood through fleeting breaths. Coughs shook his whole frame. Suspended by his wrist, he hung mere inches off the ground. If he had been just a couple of inches taller, maybe he would be able to at least rest some of his body weight on the tips of his toes. But for now, he hung bonelessly, arms pulled tight. The pain was a dull ache that spread through the entirety of his shoulders and down to the middle of his back.

Nie Mingjue figured he would have rather suffered the grueling sharp pains of a hundred stab wounds than what seemed like the slow tearing of muscles.

The man leaned his head against the cold of the wall, allowing for at least the merciful kiss of relief on the back of his head. For if the lavish Sun Palace were warmth, the warmth of alcohol, the warmth of bodies pressing together, and the warmth of blood splattering across the floors, then the dungeons were the depths of a winter raging sea.

Deadly. Cold. Merciless.

Another cough wrecked his Nie Mingjue’s body. He had, at one point, attempted to count the days however the only light sources were the unreliable brightness of the lanterns that somehow flickered out on their own free will and left him in periods of darkness that never seemed to end. To pour salt in the wound, the servants also did not feed him in a coherent and a time measurable manner.

To be fair, however, feeding him was a strong word. They brought him scraps of supposed food when they damned well pleased.

And besides, eating the food prepared by any Wen Dog’s hand was not a luxury Nie Mingjue was willing to extend to them.

Furthermore, with his Qi haphazardly sealed, he would not be able to fight off the poison they would inevitably force-feed him once it had entered his body. He would be forced to witness what it would do to his body in full force. Would it make him vomit his intense up? Would it make him lose his teeth and have his gums be raw and exposed? Cause unscratchable itches that would leave him howling like some sort of maddened animal?

He would not let them have a chance to bear witness to it.

The lurch of his body forward strained his muscles and for a moment made him forget about his thoughts. He felt the clot of blood forcing its way up to his throat and down to the ground to where all the blood had trickled down from his chin and accumulated there at his exposed feet.

Worse than that was the blood that laid at his feet did not come from his own turbulent inwards.

It was also so that his body was covered from head to toe in wounds. Slices of varying degrees tore from shoulders down. A particularly nasty one had stretched from belly button to naval. Hundreds of them littered over his body, some of them being calculated slices meant to remove the top layer of skin, skinning him as if he were some sort of vegetable. Others meant to cut down deep and not a single thought was spared to the carnage that the knife took with it when it was pulled from his skin.

He couldn’t say which he had preferred.

All Nie Mingjue could do was simply hang there in silence as various torturers used his body as their canvas. Each one of them probably hoped to be praised when their Sect Leader came back from the battle he had so leisurely attended.

Just thinking about the man-made and anger run through his veins. The man that had slain his father in such a meticulous way that no blame could ever be put on to him. The man that bought our mercenaries to come and hack away at his borders, causing him both inconvenience and weeks of little sleep.

The man that haunted his dreams starting from his youth to adulthood.

Let it be known, however, that if Nie Mingjue were to see that bastard face to face, he’d kill him. He wasn’t twelve anymore. He’d face him like the man that he was and would take his head back to QingHe. For himself. To prove to himself that his youth was not a waste. That Wen Ruohan could not harm him anymore.

He would show the head off to his people. To not only to inspire them, that it was possible to shoot down the sun and conquer evil, but that as long as he stood here alive on this earth, he would always protect them.

An offering for Lan Xichen. To show him that there was nothing to be afraid of. That Nie Mingjue would move mountains, conquer the sun, and show him that he was worthy.

Revenge for Nie Huaisang. Former Clan Leader Nie had been both their fathers. He had smiled down at them all the same, had picked up Nie Huaisang, and had held Nie Mingjue by the hand. He told them stories of ole underneath the starry nights.

Nie Huaisang had loved their dad too.

To bring him the head of the one who killed him, would show that Nie Mingjue would protect him and would make do on the promise he made when he was still just a youth.

He just hoped that his little useless brother wouldn’t try and turn into something it was not.

‘Oh, da-ge! Why must I work so tirelessly out on the field every day if one, the war is over, and two, you’ve already shot the son out of the sky! If anything, now is the perfect opportunity to laze around! Discover new hobbies, pick up an ancient craft! Who knows, maybe by the end of summer, I’ll become a talented flute player. One that will shake the entire cultivation world and seize them up by their necks!’

Nie Mingjue let out a snort, as he pictured his brother saying it. It sounded close enough to him and he couldn’t help but let out a small smile at the thought. The thought of his useless, no good, weak little brother being safe at night.

It was then, he heard a shuffling of feet from behind the entrance to his personal hellhole. He rolled his eyes, cursing the cowardice of the poor bastard. Was he not restrained? Were they transporting him somewhere? No, the last time they had tried that, he had needed at least seven Wen Dogs to drag him down the halls.

He tried to contain his snort at that memory.

It had caused Meng Yao to lose face, even if it was just other Wen Dogs of slightly lower rank, and that had made the beating he received earlier a bit more worth it.

But at the topic of hand, he was starting to get annoyed. What kind of grown man or woman shook like that? Did they not have the upper hand? Were they some poor servant here to dress his wounds?

Nie Mingjue was annoyed.

He had been slightly fevered and the ache in his shoulders and his back were only worsening. Whoever it was, Nie Mingjue couldn’t care less. Be it Wen Ruohan himself or a scrambling slave of a slave. They should at least have some face!

“I know you are there, you Wen Dog! Stop shuffling like a coward and face me,” Nie Mingjue snapped out.

The shuffling and rustling of robes paused for a moment. And a few steps were heard. For some reason, the more that Nie Mingjue paid attention to the noise, instead of it barely passing through his ears and onto his brain, he realized that the person had tiny feet. The pitter-patters of steps caused great confusion.

Had they sent down a small child to torture him? Had they sent a little servant boy to dress the wounds and toss down his scraps? What was he doing here?

“Doggie?” Came the small voice.

Nie Mingjue furrowed his eyebrows. The child did not sound over the age of three years old. What game were those bastards playing? What kind of monster sends down a child? Had it not been Nie Mingjue and the boy had come closer to another war criminal, he was still little enough that he could simply be kicked out of the way.

Suddenly, the boy was standing in front of him behind the bars. One hand was gripping the bars as he plastered himself against them.

“I… The Doggie?” He asked excitedly pointing to himself. He looked to be searching for something on Nie Mingjue’s face, “Woof Woof!”

[good-doctor-imagine]

Scar » five

four // six

Pairing: Richie Tozier x Reader

Summary: Some shenanigans at the Loser’s sleepover leads to the discovery of your soulmate.

Word Count: 2400+

Warning(s): swearing, a sexual comment, not proofread

It was the weekend before school officially started, before you and Richie had to stop playing at the arcade continuously, before the losers had to stop everything in their lives to do homework or study. Taking this as their last opportunity to do something fun together, the losers decided to have a sleepover. You weren’t technically invited at first, which really didn’t bother you, but Beverly convinced the rest of the losers to let you go as well. The guys didn’t really mind, you were quickly becoming part of the group anyway. Plus, all of the other losers were convinced that there was something going on between you and Richie and thought this would be the perfect opportunity to expose you two.

Beverly’s plan was different. She knew that you had a scar on your hand but she swore that she wouldn’t look for your soulmate. Beverly would never break your promise, but a selfish part of her wanted to understand her own soulmate’s scar. When she noticed a couple of months ago that her own scar blended in with her soulmate’s, her heart stopped. She knew it was one of the losers because she obtained both of them on the same day. Beverly hoped that she could eliminate some possibilities through you finding out who your soulmate was. However, she wasn’t going to go against her word and deliberately seek out the scar that matched yours, she was hoping that it would come more naturally.

You, of course, were clueless about this. You were excited to spend the night with the losers but also a bit nervous given that you were only one of the two girls attending. You trusted the boys and knew that they would do anything to cross the line but you never spent more than an afternoon with all of them before. Just from those afternoons, you knew their dynamic was a bit… rambunctious. It could get very wild very quickly and you wondered if you’d ever get sleep that night. There were two people in the group that would intervene if it ever became too uncontrollable. Mike was the person who put most of the losers in place and sometimes Stanley would help too. However, two people trying to calm down five other people was not too promising in your eyes. Before you left your house, you waved your sleep goodnight and headed to Bill’s house, ready for an all-nighter with permanent markers and warm water.

When you arrived, everyone was there except for Eddie who strolled in shortly after you with red cheeks and a sweaty forehead. “Sorry guys, I had to do the dishes before I left.”

“Aww, mommy made you do the dishes?” Richie sang with a proud smirk on his face.

“Shut up Richie, at least I know how to do the dishes. You’d probably break ten plates before you would successfully clean one.”

Richie was going to bite back at Eddie but was interrupted by Bill who sat in the living room in front of his TV. “S-So,” He started, hands pulling out some VHS tapes from his TV stand, “W-What movie do w-w-we want t-t-to watch f-first?”

Beverly made her way over to Bill and crouched next to him, eyes drifting over the tapes that he pulled out.

“Really? I came here to have some fun, not watch some lame ass movies all night.” Richie whined.

Bill didn’t respond to Richie, instead, he seemed too focused on the girl next to him. His eyes were not moving from her, only moving slightly as Beverly comfortably sat on the floor.

“Okay,” Mike spoke up, “So what should we do instead?”

“Hide and seek?” Ben suggested, his eyes shifting between Bill and Beverly.

“No offense Ben but that game is for sissies,” Beverly smiled, “How about truth or dare?”

“Hell no!” Eddie hollered, “Richie would make me do something like lick the toilet seat or something. There is no way in hell we’re playing that game.”

“You could pick truth,” You responded, although no one seemed to hear you.

“Maybe we could play seven minutes in heaven?” Richie beamed, eyebrows wiggling as he looked at Bill almost like he knew something.

“Beep beep Richie,” Stanley interjected, closing his eyes as he let out a sigh of defeat.

“C’mon Stan, you’re just mad because you can’t get any-”

“OKAY!” Mike once again spoke up, being the mediator of the group. “How about we start with something easy, like a board game or something?”

“Board games?” Richie was quick to jump in, “What are we- eight?”

“You just say that because you know you can’t win a game,” You teased, crossing your arms over your chest.

“You’re going to regret that sugar,” Richie threatened before turning towards Bill, “Do you have Monopoly?”

“U-Uh, I th-think so,” Bill responded, head snapping from Beverly to Richie. In an almost robotic fashion, Bill stood up from his position next to Bev and traveled to his basement door, hand hesitation before he turned the doorknob to walk in.

It had been a few hours since you started the game, deciding to play with partners so everyone could participate. You were happy that you chose Mike as your partner. Not only did he calculate the decisions you made, but he would also calm you down whenever Richie would try to rile you up. He often made the smart decisions to use your money wisely rather than using it all at once like Richie tried to pressure you to. In the end, you and Mike were the ones that ended with the most money while Richie and Eddie found themselves in third, right behind Bill and Stanley.

“What the fuck?” Richie cursed when Eddie told him how much money he counted. “Are you bad at math or something? Let me see.” Even though Richie recounted the money that was on their side, they still ended up losing.

“Told you you’d be a sore loser,” You sent Richie a teasing smile while patting Mike on the shoulder.

Although Richie was normally quite playful, his response to you was fueled by his competitive nature and underlying humility. “It’s okay because you were riding Mike’s di-”

“I-I-I’m going t-to m-ma-make some popcorn,” Bill spoke before Richie could finish his comment, his face pink as he left the room.

“I’ll come help!” Beverly called after, rushing to go to the kitchen, not noticing Ben’s face fall when she left his side. Of course, Ben tried to cover it up before anyone noticed but you caught him.

“Are you okay, Ben?” Your voice was quiet so you wouldn’t attract the other’s attention.

Richie scoffed at you as he pushed his glasses further up his nose. Eddie rolled his eyes at his best friend, knowing that Richie was staring at you the entire time.

“Oh so now you care about people?” Richie complained, tilting his head roughly to the side making his glasses droop again.

“I only care for people who aren’t assholes like you,” You shot back, your mind completely shifting away from Ben. Ben felt a bit out of place, not sure whether to answer your question anymore.

“Bitch,” Richie shot back, successfully angering you.

“You want to fight?” You shot up, jokingly taking steps to Richie.

Mike put his arm in front of you to make distance between the two of you, once again calming down the situation. “How about we set up for a movie before the popcorn gets cold,” He stated, not even leaving room for comments.

You walked to Bill’s couch, trying not to pay attention to Richie as you walked around him. Plopping onto the furthest side of the couch, you let yourself sink in as you got comfortable. Richie whined again, stomping over to stand in front of you with the corners of his lips pulled down.

“That’s my spot.” Richie stood so close in front of you that you had to pull up your feet so that you wouldn’t touch him. Eddie shook his head and rolled his eyes before sitting next to you, crossing his legs in front of him.

“Really?” You feigned sympathy, leaning forward to look behind you. When you turned around, there was a proud look on your face. “I don’t see your name on it.”

“You can sit on the floor with me,” Ben offered, taking a seat on the carpet.

Instead of fighting, Richie grumbled and took a seat in front of Eddie, making it a point to glare at you.

Sometime in the middle of the movie, you began to notice Richie and Eddie conversing quietly next to you. Eddie was crouched over while Richie leaned up, whispering into his ear causing Eddie to start giggling. To mute himself, Eddie covered his mouth with his palm. When you made eye contact with Eddie your face was contorted in confusion, eyes squinted at him as if you were trying to decipher what they were talking about.

Richie, being the loudmouth asshole he is, sent you a glare and spoke despite the movie that was playing. “What are you looking at, sugar?”

“I could ask you the same question,” You quickly quipped, sending Richie your own nasty look.

“Will you just shut up?” Stanley’s voice boomed from the other side of the room. The glow from the TV allowed you to see part of his face when he rolled his eyes and begrudgingly looked back at the screen.

Although you wanted to say it wasn’t your fault, you just crossed your arms and leaned back into the couch, eyes avoiding Richie and Eddie at all costs. To your surprise, Richie didn’t respond either and turned his attention back to the movie.

Eddie and Richie didn’t try to talk to each other for the rest of the movie. Only after Bill turned the lights on and everyone else started talking about the plot of the movie did they continue their secret conversation. With Eddie and Richie being between you and the rest of the losers, you were bound to get annoyed and a bit suspicious of their whispering and giggling. You didn’t hold back from the hard looks you made sure to shoot at them as you tried to pay attention to everyone else but them.

All of that was thrown out of the window when Eddie just about pounced on you, making you paralyzed from the waist. As you tried to maneuver his body off of you, Richie lunges for your feet, fingers dancing across the bottoms causing you to jump and start to kick.

“W-What are you doing?” You rushed out, the rest of your air lost from your laughter. Richie was giggling as well, telling Eddie to keep his hold despite your protests. He was determined in getting payback for telling him off and what was a better way than making you laugh until you cry?

As you were flailing your limbs around, the heel of your right foot caught the ground and dragged against the floor, pulling your sock from your foot. Noticing this, Richie reaches out for it, knowing that it would be more sensitive than the other with no barrier in between. When he got close, however, he froze. Your movements didn’t stop, your foot swinging up and hitting him in the face, kicking him backward.

Feeling your foot connect with something, you instantly cursed and put all your force into pushing Eddie off of you and onto the cushion beside you.

“Oh my god I’m so sorry,” You apologized, clambering to the floor in front of Richie. His eyes were wide and unfocused and his face was pale.

Your hand reached towards his face, where there was a growing red mark from your foot colliding with it. Before you could touch it, Richie flinched away, shaking his head. You were surprised, Richie was never one to move away from you.

“Are you okay?” You asked with a more serious tone, afraid that the force of your hit was a bit more powerful than you realized.

Richie was in shock, his mind trying to replay what he just saw. He remembered the time back at the quarry when he swore he saw a line at the bottom of your foot but he convinced himself that it was just him imagining things. Now that he saw it again, he was having trouble denying it. There was no way that his brain could be tricking him again.

“What is that thing on the bottom of your foot?” Richie asked when he found enough courage.

“The bottom of my foot?” You shook your head, beginning to believe that you did hit his head too hard. You glanced at the sole of your foot before focusing your attention back on your injured friend. “Are you talking about my scar?”

Richie didn’t respond, his breath leaving him once again. Now he could confirm that it wasn’t just his mind playing tricks on him.

“W-Wait what?” Eddie peered at you. His face was a bit red from the roughhousing just a minute prior. He knew about Richie’s soulmate mark, as well as Stanley and Bill. They were the only people to know other than Richie’s parents.

“Uhh, I-I think we s-sh-should leave th-them alone,” Bill spoke up, leading most of the losers to the kitchen. Eddie didn’t listen to him so Bill just grabbed his arm and pulled him along.

Your mind was completely perplexed at the situation that was unfolding. You had no clue why Bill wanted you and Richie to be left alone, or why Richie was so quiet.

After a few more moments of silence, you decided to question Richie again. “Richie, what’s going on?”

The curly-haired brunette swallowed, his mouth feeling dry. “How did you get that scar on your foot?”

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes and throw a tantrum. You just wanted to know what was going on, not talk about the scar you’ve had since you were little.

Begrudgingly, you decided to tell him anyway. “I was pretty energetic when I was two and didn’t listen to my parents when I stepped on some glass.” You were expecting for Richie to follow up after, but he just nodded his head, eyes wandering off and glazing over as if he was lost in his head. You started to get annoyed, starting to feel dumb from not understanding what was happening. “Richie, what the hell is going on?”

He, of course, did not answer your question. Instead, he avoided it by asking a question of his own. “Do you have any other scars?”

“Yeah, Richie,” You scoffed, letting yourself roll your eyes, “I have one on the palm of my hand. Now tell me what the fuck is happening.”

Once again, Richie failed to answer your question. His hands took a hold of your left, forcefully turning it around so your palm was facing the ceiling, revealing the scar that formed a few weeks earlier.

“Holy shit,” Richie swore under his breath, eyes not leaving your palm.

“What, Richie?” You snapped. Just as you were retracting your hand, Richie took his left hand and flipped it over, uncovering a scar that was identical to yours.

“Holy shit.”

six

Masterlist

[rebellect-writes]

[SIZE=1][b]Name:[/b] Jess. [b]Age:[/b] 21. [b]How did you find us?:[/b] I blame you!

[b]Name:[/b] Alec Orion Campbell.   [b]Nicknames & Aliases:[/b][LIST]Alias: Aleck O’Rourke. Alias: Noah Campbell. Nickname: Smart Alec. [/LIST] [b]Age:[/b] 32. [b]Date of Birth:[/b] March 1st 1979. [b]Gender:[/b] Male. [b]Sexual Orientation:[/b] Equal opportunity! (Bi, leans towards guys lately.) [b]Occupation:[/b] Supernatural bounty hunter. [b]Powers:[/b] Not a lick of power in his body.

[b]Face Claim:[/b] Jensen Ackles [b]Description:[/b] [IMG]http://i672.photobucket.com/albums/vv90/bloodwillout/app%20pics/936full-jensen-ackles.png[/IMG] [i]Height:[/i] 6’1 [i]Weight:[/i] 171lbs. [i]Eyes:[/i] Hazel. [i]Hair:[/i] Brown/blonde.   [i]Build:[/i] Average, athletic. [i]Visible marks:[/i] His most notable mark is a nasty set of claw marks on his right shoulder from a werejaguar in New Mexico, other than that it’s small nicks and scrapes here and there that don’t even register to him. [i]Style:[/i] Instead of caring what new fashions are in and all that nonsense, Alec likes the comfortable and more practical stuff. Jeans, t-shirts, jacket and a nice pair of boots are things he favours. That doesn’t mean he won’t dress up every now and again if he has to make an impression. He does wear his wedding ring on a chain around his neck too. [i]Choice Weapon:[/i] His duel Colt 1911’s with silver plated bullets.

[b]Special Skills:[/b] [LIST] [*] He can speak Portuguese, Spanish, Russian and French. [*] Knows the ins and the outs of the police system. [*] Good enough under the hood of a car to get it to work for him. [*] Fairly proficient in the following areas involving firearms, knives, hand to hand combat. [*] Decent tracker if he does say so himself. [/LIST][b]Personality:[/b]

Alec is a natural smart arse; he uses the witty comments and remarks to cover a smart calculating mind. The laid back and easy persona is what everyone else see’s, when really, he’s watching for people to make mistakes that he can use to his advantage. He rarely does use what he see’s and learns to his advantage though, unless he’s on a job in which case, may the best man or monster win. He is fairly open minded with most things and will try anything at least once in his life. One thing that he can’t quite grasp is the whole religion thing. He doesn’t believe in God, but he believes there is something after death, he just doesn’t know what it is, so when it comes to using items of faith, they’re very faulty at best. He’s quirky, smiley, doesn’t go out of his way to start trouble but he will finish it if it happens.  

Confident on the surface, Alec’s been known to stare down any lycanthropes and just smirk as he’s read them their rights or recounted their adventures. Some might even call him cocky in this world, he’s only human after all and who in their right mind would fear a human! It’s that aspect which he uses against people; he’ll gladly shoot something in the face and crack silly jokes as things bleed. It’s the underneath that’s scary, he’s cold and won’t hesitate if it means people will live, and one more bad guy is put down out of the worlds collective misery. Trust is something that’s earned, while he may appear to go along with others ideas and follow peoples lead, you have to earn your stripes in his eyes because he can’t carry dead weight half the time. Once you’ve won his trust though, Alec is a little more open about things and he’s also hellish loyal in return.

Alec doesn’t like to be dragged into things that aren’t any of his business, which is pretty contradictory given his profession. When he’s hunting, he likes to get to know his prey as best as he can but if he can’t get a plan of action, he’ll wing it. His view on the supernatural world at large is pretty simple. There are monsters in the human community so why should he care about fangs and claws or magic? At the end of the day, it’s people’s choices that make them a monster to others, not infections or transitions. Hell! A good few of his friends are supernatural by nature and he’d trust them at his back on their bad days rather than an unarmed human that he doesn’t know.

One thing that will knock him every which way but the right way is bringing up his family, more to the point his baby girl. It’s probably the only thing that can really get through to him. Threaten her and he will rain unholy hell on anything and everything but it’s also his undoing. Caitlyn is the last piece of light in his soul and it would destroy him if anything happened to her. He’d do anything; even kill another human being, if it made sure she was safe. This is probably the reason that only the people closest to him know about her existence, to avoid such scenarios happening. He thought he was in love once with his wife, Chloe, but her betrayal locked down that part of his soul. Why should he allow himself to love if he’s going to get hurt? Commitment is something that he’s working on. Just give him a little time, ok?

[b]Likes:[/b] [LIST] [*] Blackberries. [*] Bacon burgers. [*] The Jerry Springer Show. [*] Keeping his weapons in good shape. [*] Keeping fit and active. Getting fat is not on his list of things to do. [*] The thrill he gets from hunting. [/LIST] [b]Dislikes:[/b] [LIST] [*] People that lie to his face. [*] Techno music. What the hell is that noise? [*] When people think that being human instantly means weakness. [*] Getting dragged into the centre of a confrontation that he didn’t start.   [*] The Church of Eternal Life...Followed by most vampires in general. [*] Being laid up in Hospital or at home. [/LIST][b]Strengths:[/b] [LIST] [*] Knowing his baby girl is safe with his uncle. [*] That whole lack of trust thing saved him from getting a knife in the back. [*] He can – surprisingly – follow orders. [*] Good at blending in. [/LIST] [b]Weaknesses:[/b] [LIST] [*] His daughter, Caitlynn. [*] Insomnia dulls his reflexes and sometimes he has to take medication to sleep. [*] His big mouth doesn’t know when to shut up sometimes. [*] The fact he doesn’t trust so easily anymore. [/LIST][b]Fears:[/b][LIST] [*] Caitlynn getting hurt because of him. [*] Clowns freak him out to no end. [*] Claustrophobia. [/LIST][b]History:[/b]

Back in early spring of ’79 at a hospital in downtown Phoenix, Arizona, Lillian Campbell gave birth to a screaming healthy baby boy, much to her and her husband Anthony’s surprise. They’d been told that they were going to get a girl by the doctors that they’d seen so Alec was a big surprise however it didn’t stop them from loving the babe though; it just meant that they’d have to repaint the nursery and get a new wardrobe better suited to boys than girls and until they did that. Baby Alec had to put up with what was there for the first few weeks of his life when the family swarmed and coddled the new arrival. It was great! Wonderful even! Shame he doesn’t remember those days and only knows about them from what he’s been told from relatives.

The one thing that’s blistered into his memories is the heat however, and growing up in Maryville wasn’t so bad. There wasn’t any drama there despite the fact that some of the kids in the neighbourhood were rougher but that wasn’t any reason for Alec to cower behind his mom’s skirt. In fact, it was the rougher kids that he fell in with when he was growing up, his father didn’t approve and he made it clear as he told Alec stories from his work despite Lillian’s attempts to stop him. Being an officer in the PGU (Phoenix Gang Unit), Anthony saw all kinds of things that had him awake at night, and it was his hope to shock Alec into staying away from certain types. It sort of worked, and it sort of didn’t at the same time. Alec didn’t want to give up his friends, so he stayed away from them when his parents were around to avoid the choice.

It didn’t work out as well as Alec planned, at the age of fifteen he was given a shock that changed his life forever. Anthony had been killed while investigating a prior drug related crime, it shattered Lillian and Alec was left to pick up the pieces. He cut himself off from the guys in the neighbourhood, buckled down at school and things started to look up; he even tried to find himself a job. However when he found out from his uncle that his dad had been killed by the same gang that he’d been running around with, Alec was filled with a rage so fierce that he couldn’t not go and confront someone. Alejandro Hernandez was his unlucky victim, Alec didn’t care how high the guy ranked, didn’t want to know or care, he just wanted the name of the idiot stupid enough to pull the trigger. Alejandro wasn’t put off by the ‘white boy’, but after Alec snapped his wrist and broke his knee, the slightly older boy gave over the name Jose Ramirez.

The problem with this newest revelation was that Ramirez wasn’t an unknown person in Alec’s life. The guy only lived a block away and his mum was friends with Alec’s. Unsure of anything at the time, he backed off for a fortnight to plan what he was going to do. He didn’t get to think for long because Jose came to him with the few of the ‘old gang’, demanding to know why he’d beat Ale. Despite the fact that they where only a couple of years older, Alec didn’t let that stop him from beating seven shades of hell out of him. It was Ramie’s mom that found them and screamed blue murder. The next few days went by in a rush and as a result of what had happened between him and his former friend, Alec found himself in a Juvenile detention centre for the next year for causing bodily harm to another minor. When he got out, he found that the Ramirez family had moved and hadn’t left a forwarding address. In fact, they'd left in a hurry and hadn't even packed their house up. Damn. The black mark on his record was recinded as other charges where brought to light against the Ramirez family several months later.

Since he couldn’t get back at the guy that killed his father, Alec sat back and thought about things. He was eighteen and he could do anything despite the stint in Juvi-Hall, at least that was what he kept telling himself. Instead of swearing vengeance, he decided to do the old man proud and started looking into how to be an officer of the law, just like Anthony had been and most of the men in the family before his father. So he went back to school and got his diploma, made things right with his mom and found a part time job at a body shop where he learnt everything he knew about a car. Since he had to be twenty one to even be considered, Alec made everything right that he could. He didn’t do drugs; he stayed away from fights and even found as many character references as he thought that he would need. What he didn’t do though, was stay away from the alcohol. He could handle his liquor no problem, but the slightly drunk one night stand with a closet bite junkie would come back and bite him in the arse.

His twenty first rolled around pretty quick and he applied to the criminal investigation unit for Arizona and went through all of the following tests and training that was needed. At the first meeting, things had looked bad because of his black mark, but he’d proven himself even to the people that hadn’t wanted to accept him. Twenty three, with a promising career before him, Alec was left gobsmacked when Chloe, the partier-cum-bite junkie that he’d slept with four years previous tracked him down with a squirming four year old baby girl she claimed was his. If Alec was shocked, his momma was even more shocked by the fact she was a grandmother. At first Alec didn’t buy it, didn’t want to believe that he’d missed out on four years of fatherhood so he demanded a paternity test before they moved forward. Six weeks later and a lot of making up and getting to know you moments, one piece of paper was all it took to make things seem real again and the old school charm of his had him blurting out those four magical words that any woman wants to hear, “Will you marry me?” And Chloe said yes.

Over the next five years, things were pretty normal or at least he thought that they were normal. Chloe had fallen off the wagon so to speak, and when she claimed that she was working late, she was really getting bitten by a vampire. Unbeknown to Alec, his wife had been marked as a vampire servant by a Master vampire that hailed from Reno who wanted to take over the Kiss in Phoenix. Of course, things started to get strained over the next few months and one day, Alec mouthed off to the wrong officer and got shunted into this small time squad called RPIT that was in charge of dealing with ghosts and ghoulies and when Chloe found out, she freaked! Started calling him a no good bum and how things were going to change or she’d leave. The argument they had ended as Chloe stormed off in a huff, out of the door and his life with his daughter and into the back of a limbo. The flashy exit did not stop Alec from taking the plate numbers.

Four months later he tracked the company down to Reno, not letting it go, he’d quit his job and annoyed his mom to the point that they no longer talked. After kicking up enough fuss in Reno, Chloe finally found him and so did her Master and lover, Ashe. They made no attempt to hide their relationship and infuriated Alec. He just wanted Cait! What he got was a nasty clip to the back of his head after Ashe fed from him, stuffed in a coffin and buried to be forgotten in the Mojave Desert. Chloe obviously hadn’t learnt a thing from Alec in the five years she’d known him, because when he came around, Alec found himself scared beyond reason and that only fuelled the need to get up and moving even though he had no idea how long he’d been there. Even though he was only human, he clawed his way through five feet of earth and finally found fresh air.

With no idea how long he walked for, or what really happened, it seemed like days. The heat having played tricks with his mind, at the hospital he’d been carted to by some tourist family that found him beside a stretch of road. Something had snapped in him, he called in a lot of favours to see if Ashe was still in Reno but he wasn’t. It was like they’d vanished without a trace and it broke something in him. He hadn’t been able to save Cait, his mind kept going over what his daughter must have been going through, stuck with a murdering scummy vampire. It was an odd change of mind that led him to hunting down the monsters that bumped back in the night. He knew enough about them from his time on RPIT, had more contacts and resources he could draw on prior to joining RPIT as well. That didn’t mean things weren’t bumpy, in fact bumpy would have been putting it lightly. Alec got his arse kicked countless times and risked being infected by lycanthropy or vampirism, maybe he wanted to kill himself, he certainly didn’t know at the time, but he brought down his fair share of things and he liked it.

Two years later, he’s bumped his kill count into double digits, he’s not so much a known name in the hunter circuits though, and he likes it that way. Then in December of 2009, he got a call from his uncle that said his 10 year old daughter had been dumped on his doorstep during the night with a letter from Chloe saying she was sorry. Instead of going home and being the father figure in her life, Alec arranged for his uncle to become a legal guardian for Caitlynn. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to be her pops; it was because he couldn’t be it. He loved the thrill of the hunt too much to put her at possible risk. He still gets letters occasionally from Uncle Robert about her and things that he was missing out on and that’s enough for him and he’s seen her from a distance, twice over the last two years and laboured under the illusion that she would be safe from the monsters if she stayed away from him, the biggest one in her life. So he’s in Jackford, on the other side of the world from his baby girl. He hopes that it’s enough, but deep down, he’s not so sure of anything anymore.[/SIZE]

[vgckwb]

ML: Are They Worthy? Chapter 21: The Complications of Chloe!/Justice Fist

Marinette arrived at the park with her sketchbook, panting. “Sorry. It’s just your call woke me up” Marinette said.

“It’s OK Marinette” Vlad said. “You look good. Maybe you should be a model.”

Marinette’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. “I couldn’t” she said, sheepishly.

“Relax Marinette” Adrien said. “Today you’re here to observe and keep us company.”

Marinette nodded. “Right.”

“Alright, places everyone” Vincent said. Vlad and Adrien posed, while Marinette was taking notes and sketching some ideas.

Meanwhile, in Chloe’s room, she was watching a report on what happened yesterday. “A terrible villain named Rocket who had super speed was terrorizing Paris. Fortunately, Ladybug and Cat Noir saved the day, along with two new superheroes; the mysterious Judgement Wolf, and cool, calculating Pegasus. It seems like Ladybug and Cat Noir are gaining allies left and right these days. However, it has been a little while since we’ve seen Queen Bee in action. Could it be that Ladybug and Cat Noir no longer trust her? Tune in later to find out.”

Chloe turned off the TV. It had been a while since Ladybug told her she could no longer be Queen Bee. She knew it was for a good cause. Still, people were starting to talk. They were saying mean and nasty things about her. “Is this how I make other people feel?” she asked herself. Even Sabrina, her only real friend, had commented on her meanness. “Maybe I should… No. I can’t. GAH! This is so ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous!” She threw a pillow in frustration. One thing she knew for sure was that she needed to think, and being in her room wasn’t helping. She just saw all of the stuff as the stuff she was burying her feelings in. She needed to dig out of that.

She left Le Grand Paris, surprising the doorman. “It’s OK. I just need some fresh air” she told him. She continued walking. She didn’t know where to go since someone usually drove her, but she decided to walk nonetheless. She kept thinking about everything. Was she really that mean to everyone? Was she that mean to Sabrina even? Why would Sabrina stay with her if she was? Then she thought about Queen Bee.

Being a real superhero was fun. Feeling like she could do anything was exhilarating. I mean, sure, she may have caused some trouble the first time around, but Ladybug and Cat Noir came to trust her again. When she was given the opportunity to be Queen Bee again, she took it. Fighting alongside them, as well as Rena Rouge and Carapace, she felt like she didn’t need to care about what others thought.

Then there was Pollen. She had only met her briefly, but the two of them grew close. Chloe had found a mysterious box at the Eiffel Tower and grabbed it. Little did she know, it would change her life. When she opened the box in her room, it revealed Pollen.

“Who, or what are you?” Chloe said.

“I am Pollen. I am a kwami” Pollen said.

“What does that mean?” Chloe asked.

“Kwamis are beings that can give people powers” Pollen said.

“Wait, does this mean Ladybug and Cat Noir have little things like you?” Chloe said.

“Indeed they do” Pollen answered. “Ladybug has Tikki, the kwami of creation. Cat Noir has Plagg, the kwami of destruction.”

Chloe stared at Pollen for a little bit. She reminded her of the little toy thing that she stole from Marinette that one time. “...Couldn’t be” Chloe said. “So, what are you the kwami of then?”

“I am the kwami of subjection” Pollen said.

Chloe liked the sound of that. “So, how did you end up at the Eiffel Tower?” Chloe asked.

“Well, that’s a bit complicated” Pollen said. “See, what I think happened was that Ladybug was going to recruit someone to help beat Style Queen, but she lost me.”

“Poor thing” Chloe said.

“But, it’s alright now. You’ve found me” Pollen said. “Now you can return me to Ladybug!” Chloe was shocked and a little upset upon hearing that. “What’s wrong, my Queen?”

“It’s just…” Chloe said. “I’ve always wanted to be a superhero. Could I just maybe just be a superhero with you? For a little while?”

Pollen looked at Chloe. “How could I say no to a face like that?” Pollen said. Chloe was giddy. “Are you sure you have what it takes to be a hero?”

Chloe stopped. “I don’t even know if I have what it takes to be a daughter.”

“How can you say that? You seem extraordinary, my Queen” Pollen said.

“I wish my mom thought that” Chloe said.

“Well, you know what will make her think you’re extraordinary? Being a superhero” Pollen said.

“Thanks Pollen” Chloe said. “You know, it feels like I can talk to you about anything.”

“Mademoiselle, it’s time to get back to the fashion show” Jean told Chloe, entering her room.

“Coming, Jean-Jones” Chloe said. She closed the box, and put it in her pocket.

And sure, that turned out poorly, but for a brief moment, she felt more alive than she felt before. If nothing else, she just wishes she had Pollen to talk to. She certainly would help right now. She just wanted someone to talk to who wouldn’t judge her. Someone who she could be herself around. She thought about asking her parents about therapy, but they would ignore her out of the gate on that. She couldn’t talk to Sabrina because Sabrina liked her for the person she was being. Or at least, she thought that. Now she doesn’t know what she thinks.

Somehow, Chloe ended up at the park where Adrien and Vlad were doing their photoshoot. She looked at them, and then saw that Marinette was there as well. She grew furious.

She walked up to Adrien in the middle of a photo. “ADRIEN!” she shouted.

“Chloe?! We’re kind of in the middle of something right now” Adrien said, nervously.

“CUT!” Vincent called out. “Miss Bourgeois, please leave. You’re ruining the shot, and we only have so much time.”

“Why is Dupain-Cheng here?!” Chloe asked.

“Well, see, she’s making outfits for us for the art exhibition, so we thought it would be a good idea to let her see us in action” Adrien said.

“You never take me to any of these!” Chloe said.

“Miss Bourgeois, please” Vincent said.

“No! I am not leaving!” Chloe said.

“Adrien, is she going to be alright?” Vlad asked.

“Uhhhhhh” Adrien said.

Meanwhile, Hawk Moth just made his way to his lair. “Another chance to capture Chloe Bourgeois? Just when everything feels out of reach for her. What could possibly be better? Fly away my little Akuma, and evilize her!”

“Miss Bourgeois, we really need you to stop” Vincent said.

“Look Chloe, if you’re not leaving, at least come sit next to me” Marinette said.

Chloe was taken aback by that suggestion. She then recomposed into her angry self. “No! I’d rather leave!”

“Then please go” Vincent said.

“Maybe I will! Maybe I’ll go someplace where no one can ever find me!” Chloe said, running off.

“Chloe” Marinette said.

“I’ll go check on her” Adrien said, running off.

Marinette and Vlad saw an Akuma fly by in the direction of Chloe and Adrien. Marinette and Vlad looked at each other and nodded. “Hey Vincent, can we take our break now then?”

“I guess” Vincent said. “Adrien’s already ran off. Just don’t go too far.” Vlad and Marinette left.

Adrien was chasing Chloe. “Chloe wait!” Chloe was running down the street with tears in her eyes. “Chloe!” Adrien said. He took her arm. “Chloe! What’s this about?”

Before Chloe could say anything, Ladybug and Judgement Wolf showed up. “There’s an Akuma in the area, and we think that it might be after you, Chloe Bourgeois!” Ladybug said.

“Are you sure?” Adrien said.

“Positive” Judgement Wolf said.

Just then, the Akuma fly by and fused with Chloe’s sunglasses. “Hello again, Miss Bourgeois” Hawk Moth said. “Everything you’ve ever loved is being taken from you. Don’t you want to get it back?”

“I can get it back on my own terms, thank you very much!” Chloe said. “I don’t need your help!”

“Is she fighting back?” Judgement Wolf asked.

“I don’t know. I’ve never seen this before” Ladybug said.

“Why fight it Chloe?” Hawk Moth continued. “I know what you’re really like. I know your true nature.”

Chloe was offended by that. “You know nothing about me! Be gone already, and never come back!” The Akuma unfused from the sunglasses. Ladybug captured it quickly. “Bye bye little butterfly” she said, releasing the butterfly.”

“I’ll get Chloe one of these days” Hawk Moth said. “However, I always have a contingency plan.”

Adrien and Chloe returned, as did Marinette and Vlad. “Hey, where’d you two run off to?”

“Well, we uh” Marinette said.

“Marinette went to her place to grab a snack, while I just took in some of the sights” Vlad said.

“Yeah” Marinette said. She then shot Vlad a confused look.

“Oh, OK” Adrien said.

“MY CAMERA!” Vincent said, coming back! The four teens turned around and saw Vincent’s camera had been messed with. “Who did this?! Who?!”

“Well, I don’t know” Adrien said.

Vincent glared at Chloe. “I bet it was you!” he said.

“Me?” Chloe said.

“Yes. You didn’t want to leave, so you ruined me out of spite” Vincent said. “Well no more.”

“She didn’t do it Vincent!” Adrien said. “I was with her the whole time!”

“Bah! You’re too nice for your own good!” Vincent said.

“It seems like things are going according to plan” Hawk Moth said. “Let’s hope his rage blinds him harder than Chloe’s.” He sent off another Akuma.

The Akuma flew and bound itself with one of Vincent’s gloves. “Justice Fist. I am Hawk Moth. Want to know the truth? I’m giving you the power to see if people are innocent or guilty. You will punish the guilty at you discretion. In return, I ask for Ladybug and Cat Noir’s miraculous.”

“The guilty will roam the streets of Paris no more, Hawk Moth” Vincent said. A purple-black aura surrounded him. When it dissipated, Vincent’s skin was green, and he looked like a movie detective, with a brown trench coat, a black fedora, and black pants and shoes, along with giant red gauntlet. “Let’s see you get out of punishment now!” Justice Fist approached Chloe. Adrien grabbed her and ran. “You’re not going to get away from me that easily!” Justice Fist followed the two.

“Are we really doing this again?” Vlad said.

“We don’t have a choice” Marinette said. They both ran off to hide and transform.

Justice Fist could no longer see Adrien and Chloe. “Justice Fist” Hawk Moth commanded. “It appears that they are out of your reach for now. Why don’t you go around and punish others? Maybe You’ll find those kids.”

“Of course Hawk Moth” Justice Fist said. He walked off.

Chloe and Adrien were hiding. “OK, I think you’re safe now” Adrien said. “You should run.”

“What about you, Adrikins?” Chloe said.

“I’ll be fine, It’ll be better if we split up” Adrien said. “He can’t get us both.”

“OK Adrikins. I trust you” Chloe said. She ran off.

Adrien took Plagg out. “Plagg! Claws Out!” he called out. He transformed into Cat Noir.

Meanwhile, at Andre’s cart, Andre called out “HELP! ICE CREAM THIEF!”

The thief was getting away, when they bumped into Justice Fist. “Did you steal that ice cream?” he said, punching the thief. His gauntlet buzzed red for guilty. “Too bad for you.” He revved up his hand and turned the thief into an ice cream sculpture. “Who’s next?”

Ladybug and Judgement Wolf were not far behind. They reached the ice cream thief. “WHAT?!” Ladybug said. “First this Justice Fist, and now Glaciator is back?!”

“I don’t think so, M’lady” Cat Noir said, dropping in. “Look around.” He pointed out an assortment of people in odd situations. A boy was crying because he made a girl cry. A girl was wearing mismatching clothes because she insulted the style of another girl. A boy became a duck because he refused to share with the ducks.

“This is horrifying” Ladybug said. “We have to stop him.”

Justice Fist came to a guy who double parked. “Did you double park?” he asked, throwing a punch. His gauntlet buzzed red. “So sorry.” He revved his first. The guy’s car came to life, and started chasing him. Luckily, the three heroes came and stopped the car before anything could happen to the man.

“We’re putting a stop to your brand of Justice” Ladybug said.

“Ladybug! Cat Noir! How nice of you to drop in” Justice Fist. “I serve up justice for all. Including the two of you.”

“Really? No mention of me? THAT’S an injustice right there” Judgement Wolf said.

“Plus, you’re also stealing his powers” Cat Noir said. “That’s worth him getting a tattoo on his head labeled ’THIEF!’ in his mix-up brand of justice, don’t you think?”

“Hey, that’s right” Judgement Wolf said. “You’re just as bad as anyone you’ve punished.”

“NO! I am righteous!” Justice hand said. “Do you hide your identity from others?” he asked, throwing a fist. The heroes dodged.

“The Akuma has to be in one of his gauntlets” Cat Noir said.

“Yeah, but how are we going to get to it?” Ladybug said. “We can’t touch his fists now without being punished.”

“I’ll play keep-away with him” Judgement Wolf said. “You work on a plan. Reveal Claw! Why do you believe Chloe messed up your camera?” Judgement Wold went in. Judgement Wolf and Justice Fist kept trying to strike, but they kept dodging the other’s attacks.”

Ladybug nodded. “Lucky Charm!”

“A menu from Le Grand Paris?” Cat Noir said.

“Maybe I could use it as a shield?” Ladybug said.

Judgement Wolf backed up. “This guy’s good” he said. The three heroes continued to dodged, while Ladybug used the menu as a shield. She eventually fell to the ground, but she blocked Justice Fist’s fist with the menu. Ladybug looked around and saw Chloe.”Chloe?” she then saw Chloe glow. “That’s it!”

“This will be it!” Justice Fist said, about to strike with his other fist, but then Judgement Wolf struck him in the back. “Because she has done this before!” he said.

“Oh. Makes sense” Judgement Wolf said.

The shock from the Reveal Claw gave Ladybug enough time to get to Chloe’s position. Hey Chloe” she said.

“Ladybug? What are you doing by me?” Chloe asked.

“Well, I got this menu as a Lucky Charm, and I think it’s telling me I need you” Ladybug said.

“Well, I don’t have a miraculous anymore, so how can I help?” Chloe said.

“I think I need you. Just be yourself” Ladybug said. “Are you willing to be a hero as you are now?”

Chloe looked at Ladybug. “Are you kidding? I’m always a hero. After all, I’m Queen Bee.”

“Thank you Chloe. Just be prepared” Ladybug said She whispered her plan to Chloe.

Just and Cat Noir and Judgement Wolf were backed up, Ladybug said. “OK Justice Fist. You win. I will allow you to hit me with your justice.”

“Finally. Someone who’s making sense. Someone who is willing to do what I ask” Justice Fist said. He walked over to Ladybug. “You’ll pay for your crimes!”

Ladybug then used her yo-yo to grab Chloe and drag her in front of herself. The punch landed on Chloe and it buzzed red for guilty. Justice fist was confused.

“CAT NOIR! NOW!” Ladybug yelled.

“Right! Cataclysm!” Cat Noir said. He raced over to Justice Fist, and touched his gauntlet , destroying it and freeing the Akuma.

“No more evildoing for you little Akuma. Time to de-evilize! Gotcha. Bye bye little butterfly.” Ladybug said. “Miraculous Ladybug!” She threw the menu up in the air and the magic ladybug fixed all of the damage. Vincent returned to his normal self.

“Pound it!” the heroes said.

“You may have stopped my brand of justice today, but soon you’ll be getting your just desserts!” Hawk Moth called out.

Judgement Wolf’s ring started to beep. “I’ll catch you later” he said, running off.

Cat Noir went up to Vincent. “Don’t worry. I’ll take you where you need to go” he said. He carried Vincent and then left. This left Ladybug and Chloe.

“Chloe” Ladybug said. “Thanks again for helping today.”

Chloe started to blush. “Yeah, well, I always do stuff like this.”

Ladybug’s earring started to beep. “Hey, um, could I come over later?” she asked. “I want to talk to you about what happened earlier, and I think you need someone to talk to.”

Chloe was surprised. “Sure…” Chloe said.

“Great! Can’t wait! Bug out!” Ladybug said, leaving. Chloe also left as well.

Back in the park, Vincent took out his extra camera and started photographing Adrien and Vlad again. “Hey” Chloe said.

“Not again” Vincent said.

“I just wanted to say...I’m Sorry!” Chloe said. “I was in a bad mood, and I took it out on you.”

Vincent looked around and said “Yeah, well, I shouldn’t have blamed you. It’s clear that you didn’t do it.”

“Why did you leave in the first place anyway?” Adrien asked.

“Well, I was hungry” Vincent said. “A stranger approached me and told me about a bakery not too far from here. I decided to go and get something to eat.”

“You don’t think that stranger was the one who messed up your stuff, do you?” Vlad asked.

“Hmmm. Now that you say that, it’s possible” Vincent said. “They were wearing a trench coat, with sunglasses, a hat, and a scarf. I think that person was trying to lure me away!”

Vlad, Marinette, and Adrien’s eyes grew wide. They all knew that this meant that Hawk Moth had a new ally. Marinete and Adrien ruled out Mayura because no Sentimonster appeared. Meanwhile, Vlad just thought it was someone else.

Behind a tree, the mysterious person was listening to the fruits of their labor. They took off their disguise, and it was Lila. She texted Gabriel “Sorry it didn’t work out.”

Gabriel replied “It’s OK. We’ll get them next time.”

Later, after the photoshoot wrapped up, Marinette said “Well, this was great. I think I’ve settled on a design.”

“Really? Can I see?” Vlad asked.

“Not you. I still need to finish it” Marinette said. “I’m going to go home and work on it. Seeya!”

“Later” Adrien said. After Marinette left, Adrien ribbed Vlad. “So, ready for the interview tomorrow?”

“Yeah” Vlad said. “I’ve got in some good practice with Max.”

Chloe was sitting in her room when she heard a knock. She turned, and it was Ladybug. She opened the door and said “About time!”

“Look, I had other plans” Ladybug said. “Plus, I needed to let my kwami rest,”

“I guess that’s fair” Chloe said. “Well, come in.” Ladybug stepped into Chloe’s room. They both had a seat. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

Ladybug sighed. “I want to talk about what happened earlier. When you rejected Hawk Moth.”

“No big deal” Chloe said. “This wasn’t the first time.”

“It wasn't?” Ladybug said.

“Hawk Moth tried to Akumatize me before…” Chloe began, “ but he Akumatized Sabrina into Miracular.”

“Oh” Ladybug said. “Why do you think Hawk Moth is going after you?”

“I think it’s because of my reputation” Chloe said. “You may not know this, but I can come off as mean sometimes.”

“Tell me about it” Ladybug said, under her breath.

“He says he knows the real me, but he’s wrong” Chloe said. “I’m a hero. Or, at least, I want to be.”

Ladybug smiled. “I think today proved that you were a hero, with or without powers.”

Chloe smiled back. “Thanks Ladybug.”

“Is there anything you want to talk about?” Ladybug said.

Chloe was surprised. “Yeah” she said nervously. “I think I want to start showing everyone the real me. But I’m too scared. Normally, this wouldn’t bother me too much. But since it’s been a while since I’ve gotten to be Queen Bee, people have been saying mean things about me. It makes me feel awful, and I realized that I’ve been making other people feel like that.”

“So, who is the real you?” Ladybug asked.

“Well, don’t get me wrong, I still like expensive things, and Mr. XY’s music, and sushi, and I’m still prone to outbursts,” Chloe began, “but I also like my classmates. I want to show that. I also really like one of my classmates in particular.” Ladybug rolled her eyes. “Or at least, I thought I did. But now, someone else is catching my eye.”

Ladybug was confused. Who could that be? “Well, why don’t you be yourself then?” Ladybug said.

“Are you crazy?! I can’t do that. I’m afraid of what they might think” Chloe said.

Ladybug could see Chloe’s concern. “You wanna know a secret? When I first became Ladybug, I was afraid too. I almost gave up being Ladybug.”

Chloe was intrigued. “What made you change your mind?”

Ladybug nodded. “Someone needed me.I know it seems hard, but maybe you can take it one step at a time. Start small.”

Chloe smiled “Thanks Ladybug.” She looked at Ladybug. Then, for a split second, Chloe’s mind flashed to an image of Marinette. Chloe was surprised.

“Well I’m glad we had this talk” Ladybug said. “I’ll keep you updated on anything I can.”

“Yeah…” Chloe said.

“Bug out!” Ladybug said.

Chloe stared off as Ladybug went into the distance. “Could it be?” she asked herself.

[killiancygnus]

Serendipitous Melody 19/22

Summary: Everyone has dreams. You might dream of becoming an astronaut or teacher, or you might want to become a doctor and save as many lives you can. Emma Swan’s childhood dream was being a singer. But with life getting in the way and never finding the courage to overcome her fears, she never had a chance to follow it. That is until a little push from her friends lead her to cash on an opportunity; and, who knows, she might even get more than what she’d wished for.

Rated: T

Word count: ~4.4k

A/N: *hides behind a Christmas tree* Hi! I’m so so sorry for the delay! This chapter was a bitch to write and between life and uni, I didn’t have much time to write in the past month or so. I hope you enjoy this chapter anyway! It might take me a while to update once again though because I have exams until the end of February but I swear chapter 20 will be long and angsty so I hope you won’t mind. Don’t forget to let me know what you think about this update!

Thanks to the wonderful @the-reason-to-sail-home for her mad betaing skills.

Tagging some friends: @mahstatins, @villains-happy-ending , @stardusted-nymph, @allisonchameron, @kmomof4, @hencethebravery, @katie-dub, @captainwiley , @irishswanff, @thejollypirate, @dassala , @imhookedonaswan, @ofshipsandswans , @legendofthephoenixcs, @yayimallamaagain and @londonsbridge

If you want to be tagged too let me know :)

Links: Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9- Chapter 10 - Chapter 11 - Chapter 12 - Chapter 13 - Chapter 14 - Chapter 15 - Chapter 16 - Chapter 17 - Chapter 18 / AO3

The ominous clicking of his father’s cane echoed down the halls as Neal sat on the couch next to the fire, quietly sipping a glass of wine. He knew his father knew was aware of what he had done. There was little he couldn't find out. The leverage and the ties he had made it impossible for the people he had on his watch list to keep any secrets, and that included Neal too. He was well aware of that but he didn't really care, he never did. It wasn't like he was ever going to reach for him first. All his father always cared about was getting what he wanted - a trait he had inherited, Neal had to admit - but this time, it so appeared they had a few interests in common.

“Calling her wasn't a wise move, son,” Mr Gold said entering the room, his tone flat but revealing a hint of annoyance.

Neal didn't even turn to face him.

“For as much as we'd like to believe that, neither she nor Jones are stupid. They'd put two and two together. And if they didn’t, miss Mills would,” he continued, pondering each word as he walked around the couch so that Neal would see the strained grin on his face. “You were selfish and careless, not to mention foolishly impatient. Our plans might go downhill because of what you have just done.”

Neal placed the glass on the small table next him. “The plans that don't seem to be having the effect they were supposed to, you mean.”

“What you were expecting? Her to leave Jones’s side after the first difficulty arose? Her to run back into your arms as soon as you stumbled back into her life with a phone call?”  

At hearing his father words, Neal shot up, hands clenched into fists. “I have done my waiting!” he shouted. “You have your personal vendetta for what happened to mother and I understand that, but once again there’s something that for you is more important than me. Emma has been the first and only person that truly cared about me. She was mine! I was stupid enough to let both her and my son go, that’s true, but that doesn’t mean I won’t stop fighting for what is mine. And as it happens, our interests are very much alike; that's why we are here, working together, no matter how much I might not like it. So yes, excuse me for being a little impatient.”

Mr Gold bit his lower lip, his jaw set. He was trying not to yell back at him in rage and keep that coldly stern face of his, Neal could see that. He didn't care about how much he had enraged or hurt his father, though. He meant what he said, every single word of it. But honestly, it shouldn't have been news to him. Their relationship had always been somewhat dysfunctional, especially ever since his mother died.

“Son, I…” he started, not really knowing what to say. “You might be right. However, you must remember that this article's purpose was just to undermine her securities, weaken her for when we'll strike again. And you know what will happen then.”

“Hell will break loose,” Neal whispered, the reflection of the fire in his eyes making them look even wilder than they actually were.

Robert Gold smirked, taking a step closer to his son. “Oh, that it will.”

Saying Neal’s call had shaken her was an understatement. She wouldn't talk much about it, but he could see it in her eyes. She had been dealing with the Henry situation and all the hateful messages and nasty articles that were directed at her, which both left a veil of hurt and hopelessness in her eyes. It was only after that call that the carefree and joyful part of Emma, that it took so long for him to see and help her set free, became just a fond memory. All the walls around her heart he had managed to break, she had started to build back up that night.

It pained him to see her like that, so fragile, so vulnerable, nevermind the stoic masks she would put whenever she realised her feelings were written all over her face, but he didn’t know what to do. All he could do was hold her, show her how much he loved her, try not to let her think about anything that was weighing on her, and yet he could still see the uncertainty she tried so hard to hide.

Those bloody tweets had gotten to her in a way he didn’t know how to make better. It wasn’t like he could publicly condemn those people without arising more questions about his and Emma’s relationship. And that was definitely not the time to come out as a couple.

It was a mess. A bloody fucking mess. And the words that fucker whispered in her ear that night on the boat sure as hell hadn’t made things any easier.

They had informed Regina about Neal’s threats as soon as possible the following morning. At least she did look surprised this time at this new turn of events, but the small flicker of genuine shock on her face was soon replaced by a calculating look.

“Miss Swan,” she said before him and Emma could unstick their legs away from the narrow space between the desk and the chairs’ legs and leave her office, “I've been doing some thinking since the last time we met. Sit.”

Killian and Emma shared a confused (and from her part worried) glance as they sat back down.

“In light of the most recent developments, I think it's time for you to properly meet my - our - son. What do you say, Miss Swan?”

From the corner of his eye, Killian noticed Emma staring agape at Regina. Conscious that no word would fall from her mouth anytime soon, judging by the deer-in-the-highlights look she had, he spoke, “Wait a second. Are you suggesting Emma to tell Henry she's his mother?”

“That's exactly what I'm saying, Jones.”

“Why?” Emma stuttered, finally able to mutter a word, “Neal is threatening to do everything he can to get to him, including destroying my reputation and now you want him to meet me?”

“I have to admit it’s not the best of ways for him to meet his mother, but as you said, Neal won’t stop before he gets what he wants. Henry deserves to know who the man is who will make everyone constantly worried about his safety and who will try to throw shade over Killian and you.”

Emma opened her mouth to protest but then shut it without even saying a word. Killian sighed. Regina was right, he knew that. The kid couldn’t just stay in the dark, especially not with that curious nature of his. He was far too observant and clever for his own good, he would find out both about Emma and his father sooner or later. It was better for him to hear the story directly from his mother or Emma herself, as things seemed to be headed to.

“Maybe,” he started tentatively, feeling Emma’s attention focusing on him. “Maybe you could drop him one day next week after school. He’s been wanting me to teach him to play the guitar for ages. I could teach him the basics, and then me and Emma could talk to him.”  

Killian ignored Emma’s pointed look and just looked straight ahead at Regina.

“Yeah, that could work,” she agreed, and then smirked, “It seems like there’s a brain behind the eyeliner, after all.”

Killian glared at her and made to talk back a witty remark when Emma’s uncharacteristically feeble voice interrupted him. “Wait.”

As two pairs of eyes landed on her, Emma cleared her voice and straightened her back. “I don’t think it’s a great idea. I mean, it is but he might get suspicious. As far as I know, he doesn’t own a guitar and unless you are hiding a past as a rock star, of which I’m very sceptical about,” she said for Killian’s amusement, gesturing at Regina, “you don’t look like you own one either. Knowing Henry, he would wonder how he could practice in between lessons.”

Regina pursed her lips in annoyance. “I’ll talk with Robin. I’m sure he’ll share one of his guitars with him, Miss Swan. Do you have anything else to say?”

She only gave Emma the time to shake her head that she continued, “Wonderful. I’ll drop Henry at yours Friday afternoon. Try to bring him back in one piece, please.”

And that was how they found themselves Friday afternoon, sitting on the sofa, waiting for Regina to arrive with Henry. Thank goodness Friday was only a few days away from that meeting, because Killian thought Emma would combust with nervous energy, judging by how much her left leg was trembling, making him feel like he was sitting on one of those massage couches.

“Emma…” Killian sighed, putting a hand on her knee to still her movement.

Blushing, Emma willed her leg to stop twitching. “I’m sorry,” she apologised, looking up at him, “I’m just -”

“Nervous. I know love.”

The soft, reassuring smile Killian gave her didn’t even have the time to fade away from his lips, that the intercom buzzed, making Emma jump on her seat. Trying to suppress a chuckle, he leaned in to give her a sweet, gentle peck on her lips before going outside to fetch the boy.

By the time he made it to the swimming pool, a small figure run up to him and threw their hands around his waist.

“Killian!” Henry shouted.

“Hello to you too, lad,” Killian laughed, ruffling his hair. “Why don’t you go inside and put away that backpack of yours? I’ll be right behind you.”

Without making Killian asking him twice, Henry bolted towards the door. Killian didn’t move right away though. His eyes met Regina’s through the windows of her car, and it was only after he gave her a nod, that he turned around following Henry inside.

As soon as he got back in, he was happy to see Henry already chatting away with Emma about his latest favourite book. Hearing him walking in, she lifted her gaze up and smiled a beautiful, happy smile he just couldn’t help return.

“- And it’s not a normal book of fairytales. They are all twisted and linked together. Like Captain Hook is actually good even though he…”

“Well, of course,” Killian agreed, interrupting the boy’s excited babbling, “I’m always a gentleman after all.”

“Not you Killian! Captain Hook!”

Killian winked at Henry’s offended exclamation, making Emma burst out laughing. “I don’t think he sees the difference,” she said in between giggles, putting a hand on Henry’s shoulder, as if she sided with the lad. Rude.

“Anyway, if you guys have to play the guitar, you better go upstairs and get started.”

Nodding at her suggestion, Killian climbed up the stairs, shortly followed by both Henry and Emma, on the lad’s insistence. Not hearing Henry’s steps behind him anymore after turning in the corridor towards the music room, he gave a quick look behind his back and stopped. “Where are you going, lad? The music room is this way.”

“I know,” Henry replied from the other end of the corridor, “But the bathroom is this way!”

Chuckling, Killian shook his head and took Emma’s hand leading her inside the room.

“Everything alright, love?” He asked, leaving her hand only to put it on her hips with the other and bringing her close. “Butterflies stopped flying around your stomach?”

“Yeah,” she smiled, putting her arms around his neck, “those kind of butterflies did, as for the others…”

Giggling, he captured her lips in a short loving kiss. “Good,” he whispered against her lips, “Although, there’s no need to flirt with me, Swan. I’m already yours.”

“I know, but if I don’t who’s gonna keep your ego all happy and fed?”

“Well…” Killian started, not wanting to pass an occasion to see Emma’s unamused face. She was adorable whenever she did that. He told her many times, but somehow she had always been pretty unconvinced about it. To him she was always beautiful, that was true, but it hurt him to think that she didn’t think the same of herself.

“Will you stay here watch us?” he asked, once she stopped side-eyeing him, uncertainty once more appearing on her face.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll stay for a bit and then I’ll go downstairs baking some cookies. I’m sure Henry would like some later, boys his age are usually hungry all the time, right?”

Killian smiled, before leaning in and leaving a kiss on top of her nose. “That’s a wonderful idea, love,” he whispered, as his lips travelled down towards hers to kiss her one more time.

He didn’t know how much time had passed, but it did feel like minutes when Henry’s voice made them jump apart. “Eww, gross!” He screeched, making a disgusted face from behind the door before trotting in.

In spite of the deep blush covering her cheeks, Emma was the one who recovered first. “So,” she started, stopping to clear her throat in embarrassment, “are you ready to start?”

“Duh,” he said, taking a seat on the circular couch, where a guitar was waiting for him, shortly followed by Killian.

He started showing Henry how to hold the guitar and where to put his fingers to play an easy song. Emma stayed there for a while, watching them with a smile on her lips, deep in thought. He couldn’t tell what was going through her mind, though. He could read her quite easily most of the times, but apparently it wasn’t the case that day. It was only after Henry managed to play his very first song without much hesitation, that she left, not before giving the boy a round of applause and making his cheeks go red.

They played for a couple of hours before they considered it enough for a day. Killian was sure though, that if it wasn’t for the delicious aroma coming from downstairs, Henry would have wanted to continue until Regina would have come pick him up. However, as soon as he smelled cookies in the air, he asked if they could stop and sprinted downstairs, much to Killian’s amusement. That kid had far too much energy for his own good, maybe making him eat cookies wasn’t the smartest idea, but he was about to find out a lot about his past, he could eat all the cookies he wanted if that meant he’d be more inclined to take well what Emma was going to tell him. A little bribery never hurt anyone.

After tidying up a little, Killian followed Henry downstairs and sat on the far end of the sofa pretending to work on his phone. It was the perfect spot: there Emma could easily see him if she needed some reassuring or him to come help her out, and he could hear what they were talking about.

“Hey! Are you hungry, kid?” Emma asked, a hint of nervousness in her voice. “Yeah? Then what are you waiting for? Take a seat.”

After a few moments, Henry exclaimed gulping down a first bite of cookie, “They’re so good! How many can I have?”

Emma chuckled at the lad's contagious enthusiasm. “Well, considering your mom is pretty scary when angry and I don't know how well you handle sugar, I'd say we can be safe with two more, kid.”

Whooping, Henry wolfed down the rest of the cookie in his hands before taking another. “My mom calls me kid, you know?” He said, once his mouth became free to talk once again. “My biological mom, I mean. Her and I email sometimes.”

At his words, Killian put down his phone and sat up, closely watching Emma’s reaction. Her posture was stiff and she was nervously playing with her nails under the table, but aside from that, she definitely didn't look like someone whose son had just made a pretty much spot on and completely out of the blue remark.  

“Yeah, I know,” she nodded, her voice wavering a little.

Henry frowned, the cookie up in the air and on its way to his mouth now forgotten. “How?”

“Because I'm her. I'm Emma.”

Henry stared at her agape for a few long moments. “You’re my mom?”

“Yeah,” Emma breathed out, her voice so small Killian almost couldn't hear it. “I guess you must have many questions, don't you?” She added with a nervous chuckle.

Seeing the way the lad had basically frozen, Killian couldn't help hold his breath in worry for his reaction, much like Emma he suspected. Slowly, Henry put the cookie down on the napkin and stood up, looking straight at Emma. In spite of the fear he was going to bolt, she held his gaze.

It all happened in a matter of seconds then. First mother and son were staring at each other, then he threw his arms around her neck, letting Emma hold him tight after the shock wore off.

Killian smiled at the scene, finally relaxing too.

It was only after they broke apart, that the lad demanded answers. Answers which Emma then calmly gave. She told him about her childhood, about his father. She told him about David and Mary Margaret and the time she spent in prison. All bits and pieces, not enough to disclose all of the worst things in her past, but definitely enough for a child to understand why his mother decided to give them up.

He listened attentively, never interrupting her, as if he understood how hard it must have been for her to talk about all of that. Sometimes Killian would find himself at loss of words for how perceptive Henry could be for such a young lad. And this was definitely the case. He truly did seem to understand both the said and unsaid.

However, he was dying to ask something, Killian could see that in the shining of his eyes. So much like his mother.

It was only after Emma finished talking though, that he spoke, leaving a speechless Emma and Killian behind. “So, since you are my mother, would that make Killian my step-father? Because that would be so cool!”

At that, both Emma and Killian’s eyes widened and as they could read each other’s minds they spoke as one. “What?”

All the seriousness of the moment gone, their home was filled with the sound of Henry’s laugh.

It took a few weeks, but she finally started to be free to go out without being followed by journalists and paparazzi, all wanting to hear what she had to say on the matter sprung by that Mr Gold’s magazine. Social media, instead, was still a mined camp for her, that she now tried with all her might to avoid.

It wasn’t easy, though. There were still times where she couldn’t not see what was being said about her, where people’s comments and assumptions drove her so mad that yes, she wanted to break her no comment policy and explain them at length exactly what were her opinions on the words that had been pointed at her. No matter how she was feeling, though, Killian was always there. He was a reassuring and calming constant in her life, the only one she could reach out to during the day, without worrying about the hour nor the moment.

As if on cue, just as things started to get better, shit began truly going down.

Another article was published: “An Enchanted Farce” GOLD’s cover shouted in big, bright red letters just above a blurry but not questionable picture of them kissing. Not just kissing, though. Were it so it wouldn’t have been such a big deal, but her back was up against the wall of a dimly lit corridor of the Enchanted’s studios with Killian’s body pressed against hers still wearing his characteristic “coach clothes”.

It was a scandal.

People started shouting at favoritism, of course, and many things were said, especially on the internet. Killian took the least of the lash, his doting fans swearing he’d never do anything like that and pitying him for being played by “the Swan bitch”. She was called many names - slut definitely the most recurring one - and blamed for “using Killian just to assure herself a place in the final”. Her talent and fairly new and moderate fame, once again questioned.

It was overwhelming, for the both of them, but to Emma, who had just managed to move on after the previous article lash out, it was the last straw. And like no time had passed at all, she found herself back curled up on the sofa, reading all the trashy magazines she could get her hands on and spending far too much time scrolling through her Twitter notifications once again.

Consciously, she knew it wasn’t her fault at all, but she couldn’t help blaming herself for what had happened. She didn’t regret kissing Killian that night, she didn’t really regret anything regarding her relationship with Killian. Her mind was swimming in “what if’s”, and Killian was… She didn’t know how to explain it but he made her happy, in a way she had never been. But if something life had taught her was that happiness wasn’t in the cards for Emma Swan, and all this mess proved it.

She had ruined their lives, she had ruined it all. She knew how risky it would have been to act on their feelings while the show was still on, she feared what could have happened if someone would find out. She should have known better that night. She shouldn’t have let him kiss her in that corridor, but she didn’t think that night and this was the result. Her reputation ruined, possibly forever, and his career too. He should be furious. Music was his life, the one thing that helped and accompanied him through all the things, both shitty and good, life threw at him. He had worked so hard to follow his dream and now thanks to her, it could be the end of it. Why wasn’t he furious?  

“You should stop reading that crap, Emma.”

Emma looked up at him with bloodshot eyes, Killian’s voice putting a halt to the whirlwind of thoughts in her head. “Why?”

“Because this,” he reached forward, taking the magazine resting on her lap and flipping its pages quickly as if to prove his point. As Emma stood up to take the magazine off his fingers, he continued, “This is hurting both you and us. It’s putting thoughts in your head that aren’t even remotely true. I’m not gonna say it’s gonna be easy, I’m not gonna say it’ll go away tomorrow, but eventually this will be behind us, all buried and forgotten. That can’t happen though until you stop blaming yourself and you start truly trusting Regina to deal with this mess.”

Killian let her take the magazine from his hands and Emma dropped it unceremoniously on the couch. “And how wouldn’t it be my fault, huh?” She asked, crossing her arms over her chest and looking straight in his eyes. For a moment she thought she must have looked crazy, bloodshot eyes, tear stained cheeks and all, but she didn’t care. “Enlighten me.”

“Well, for starters as far as I recall there were two of us that night at the studios. You couldn’t have known there was somebody behind the corner taking pics just as much as I couldn’t have.”

“You’re right,” she said, a hint of sarcasm in her voice. “But I should have thought something like that would have happened. After all, since when do good things stick to Emma Swan?”

At that Killian arched an eyebrow in confusion, his expression equal parts frustrated and dazed. “That's not…”

“You know what? You should have known it was too risky, too!”

“What? Emma you can’t be serious,” he almost shouted, the higher tone of his voice crashing with his words that very much sounded like a plea.

“I should have stopped you from kissing me that night because this is exactly what I was worried about back then,” she said, her voice rising little by little at every word.

Killian’s expression darkened. “Are you saying you regret that kiss? Our real first kiss? Do you also regret what you said me back then about your feelings for me? Or has it all been a lie since then?”

Emma’s eyes widened at his questions. “Yes...I mean, no!” she exclaimed before passing a hand over her face, trying with all her might not to let her voice quiver, or even worse break down in tears. “Don’t you see I ruined everything? Your career is at stake because of me. You got too close and now you are dealing with its repercussions.”

“I don’t bloody care about my career!” Killian positively growled. “If it meant being able to be with you, I’d give everything up and be a fucking music teacher, or do something else. But look at you: what would you do for me? You are throwing everything that there was between us out of the window just because that fucker of your ex and that bloody crocodile of Gold are making things less than easy. This is exactly why you’ve never been and would never be happy. You run when it gets too hard without even realizing what you already have. Now I’m going to ask you again and I want you to look at me when you answer: did you ever love me?”

He was right, she knew that, just as part of her knew she wasn’t being fair and reasonable. She was too upset though, too scared. In that moment, all she could think of was that he’d be better off without her, and it fucking hurt. She was hurting them both, she realised as tears welled up in her eyes.

She didn’t know where she found the strength, but eventually Emma willed her eyes to meet his as she pronounced those final three little words, that seemed to weigh like a ton of bricks on her tongue. “Yes, I did.”

Her mind didn’t register the hurt in his eyes. Or she didn’t let it, she wasn’t sure. All Emma did, instead, was grabbing her purse and walk away, slamming the door behind her.

As she drove off the walkway, she didn’t even feel the tears streaming down her face.      

[abnahaya]

Digging into My Insecurity

As I write this post, I just randomly replied to a “gifted” Twitter mutual coz he was saying that he’d give random suggestion to his followers. He told me: Insecurity rooted from self-doubt. Stop it.

Rewind to half a year ago, when bae & I joined a couple class as a prerequisite to our marriage, we started with answering a bunch of questions (hundreds of them, actually) that covers Personality Trait, Sex & Affection, Parenting, Background and Finance. On our first meeting with the reverend, he told us our result. Overall it was good, but I remember clearly that the result showed that I was highly stressed (probably due to the wedding plans and all) and I have a very low self-esteem. Like, 20 out of 100, or maybe less, idk, it was on a chart.

Now, if you know me in person, you’d laugh. No way! You don’t look like it!

Maybe I never want the world to know.

Or maybe I secretly wish anyone would notice.

Both are correct.

***

Back in the days, I don’t know about the habit of shaming, people do it all the time. Even there was a time when I thought it was better to get shamed frontally rather than having someone talking bad behind your back, because betrayal was such a painful thing. You see, I grew up in a conservative Javanese family, we uphold the value of shame a lot. It’s a shame to talk about sex, it’s a shame for children to talk back to their parents, it’s a shame for parents to show their weakness to their family, it’s a shame to let others know about bad things that happens between your family, and so on. They can say anything about this tradition, but what I feel I was taught mostly in my life is shame, therefore I wasn’t surprised at all when I other people actually made me feel ashamed of things like my appearance, my test result, my opinions, etc. The best dogma I’ve ever received from my culture is to hold back and accept the shame, because it’s a shame to shame others even when they shame you, if that even makes sense.

Eventually, I forgot about being “shamed”, and began to accept what was told as mere facts, like “Oh dear you and your boyfriend are like coffee and milk, you look so silly together!” When I looked at the mirror, I did see a tan girl, and my boyfriend at the time was indeed white as pearl, so it was kind of true? I thought as I tried to ignore the weird, dark feeling creeping from the back of my head. I shouldn’t take these things into the heart and just continue living, as I have always been taught, I needed to grow up and part of growing up is to face the harsh world that shames you pretty much for your entire life.

So I did. However, the things I tried so hard not to reach deep enough inside my heart, went straight to my brain instead. I started believing them. Not only the “facts” that shoved down my ears, but also countless of possibilities calculated from it. I started making strategies to battle the “bad things” about me. If I was dark-skinned and not as attractive as my fellow fair-skinned girlfriends, I had to build my own ways to get closer to the guys (I was a teenager and I read too many teenlit novels), such as being their closest friends whom they could always count on and maybe, one day could steal their heart from my kind personality which had completely no ulterior motives. This narrative then developed to be the cool girl strategy, in which, I became so fun and easy-going and with a mind “similar” to a boy, became rEaLlY dIfFEreNT fRoM oThER gIRLs, and basically ended up catching feelings to 100 guy friends who never took me seriously, because duh? Boys just wanna have fun!

Wow, it’s pretty disgusting when I put it into words now, but the 2000-something me truly believed in it to the point that I actually thought I defeated the things people used to shamed me for. The problem was that, they —other people never actually stop shaming me at all. Instead, the shaming evolved, sometimes into something just completely different or other times, worse. By the time I thought they would stop calling me ugly, they called me fat, bitch and still shaming my dark skin. No matter how I tried to show people my good side, they found hundreds bad things about me, over and over again. And I believed them.

I think what was even worse, was the fact that I also was consumed by the shaming culture that I took part of it too. At first, I used it for a self-defence, I didn’t want people to keep digging into my “bad sides” so I pointed out others that I considered worse than me, to be a juicier object of shame. Some people really deserved it, according to me, trying to make myself feel better in silence. Soon it became a habit for me too, not only I needed more approval, I also wanted to reach a better position in others’ eyes. I did the thing I feared the most when I was a little girl, I betrayed my friends, I shamed them behind my back. I felt like I didn’t receive enough recognition in the relationship that I needed to convince others —but mostly myself, that these people had nasty sides on them.

I didn’t feel so much shame in the shaming anymore because I knew I had the power to shame them too. In fact, I have abandoned the understanding of the word for so long that I didn’t think it mattered. Nothing was more important than saving my face, and if possible, delivering greatness and praise to my feet.

***

Sadly, I had to learn the lesson the hard way. There was a point in my life when I lost everything. Not physically, but mentally. I lost many support systems, was betrayed by them, and fell straight into a deep hole of depression. There was a saying that it’s good to reach the rock bottom, since the only way is up from there. They just didn’t mention how rough the climb was.

As I sat alone with my naked self in the deepest pit of mourning, I counted the comrades that had left me. Confidence, opportunity, cheerfulness, positivity, badass-ness, toughness, bravery. Only one was there, insecurity. In the same moment I realized, insecurity didn’t just come around when I had nothing, it was always there. In fact, she was the one holding the banquet filled with all other “characteristics”. Insecurity was the one opening the shame chamber and locking me inside it, making myself believe that I was out there conquering the world when I was actually always here, in the bottom of a dark, gloomy place, reciting bad words like mantras that would make the darkness go away for a while.

I felt like time wrapped backwards before me, to my first visit inside the pit. I was full of shame, I was burdened with guilt, and I had a terrible feeling in my stomach. That was my introduction to insecurity, yet I was too young and too naïve to recognize it. People kept telling me to get over it, yet all I heard was noises around the pitch-black space, without anyone bringing a light. So, I learned to make a fake one because I was so desperate to see one, I never thought of getting out.

***

It’s been years from that point of my life. My eyes are used to the darkness now. Insecurity no longer takes control of my head, instead I hold its hand and climb up together. Some days, we fell rolling down, it hurts, and my eyes are blocked with tears, but others we kept on going for hours, days and even weeks. Obviously, we haven’t reached the end of the vertical tunnel just yet, as I could refer to the opening of this post, but along the way I’ve met my new comrades. Sincerity, passion, patient, and love. Sometimes confidence comes along, but it hasn’t showed up as much as before, and that’s okay. I can feel bravery pushes me from behind every now and then, and I wish to embrace it one day. I am still far from my purpose, but I finally know how to savour the journey.

I mean, I’m not surprised that “gifted” people (or simply psychiatrist) tell me that I’m insecure inside because I’ve practically been living with it my whole life, so that’s kind of true. It’s just so much different when I’ve acknowledged it myself. I’m still the same person, but many things also change within me. Like, when I’m easy going around guys, now I can truly say I don’t have any ulterior motives —not because I’m married (well, that too!) but because I am easy going, either with guys or girls. I can proudly say that being a tomboy was only a phase of my life, and that I don’t need to change anything in my appearances. I get to know myself better!

But I guess the best thing about making peace with my own insecurity is to actually be cool about the bad things that I used to avoid so much. If someone goes to my face and tells me to lose weight because I look like a pig, I’d just lift my shoulders and say, “I’m trying but I’m not rushing.” I can stand up to the things I truly believe in, no matter how much “shame” it brings according to other people, such as I believe we need to talk about sex openly because we desperately need a better sex education. And even though some new dilemmas and problems may arise from these, I’m no longer confused, because I’m not scared to go to that gloomy pit anymore, I have hopes and purpose that someday I will reach the light in the end of the tunnel —together with my insecurities, flaws and strong points on board.

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Hey KIDS!

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Exciting News!

First up: Exciting news! We’re going to be migrating the Club Newsletter to a new format from next month that will be delivered in person! In virtual reality! This means you’ll be able to feel like I’m sitting right next to you saying this stuff right in your face instead of just passively reading it off a screen and maybe getting distracted by other less important stuff. Myself and your Totally Lost Boys (TLB) Club Committee are so excited that we can bring you this amazing experience before any other Youth Club in the world! #awesome

Here’s a taster from a VR trip I took recently to check out the totally awful devastation in Puerto Rico:

Now you’re probably asking how can we bring this exciting new technology to your friendly neighborhood Youth Club, right?! I’m pleased to say that the 2,500% increase in Newsletter Sponsor Messages over the past ~two months has really helped bulk up the Club Money Pool. Rest assured, we’re ploughing all these revenues into product development to continue to make BH&FA YC the most innovative Youth Club on Planet Earth!

Of course we don’t want the Club to fall behind Lindenwood or Farm Hills YC either, which — as we’ve told you in recent Newsletters — have been busy developing ‘innovative’ newsletter solutions of their own. (I say ‘innovative’ but we all know the YC of MZ Yours Truly is the real innovator around these hills!!) But — and it’s a BIG ONE kids! — if the Club Committee were to allow another club to get ahead of BH&FA (brisket forbid!!!), say by offering better Member facilities, then we’d risk Membership declining — instead of benefiting from the continued year-on-year growth that _we_all_enjoy_. It would also mean less money for the Club Treasurer to spend on buying up neighborhood housing to knock down in order to expand the size of the Clubhouse and keep you all entertained right here on campus! And you really don’t want to be bored do you?! (NB: The date for opening the infinity pool waterpark is still tbc. We found a leak on several floors and given there’s a risk of electrical fire death if we get this wrong it’s taking a little longer than hoped.)

Of course the impending mandatory migration to VR Newsletters also means we’ll be able to bring you more immersive Newsletter Sponsor Messages in future! YAY! Which will be great for the Club Money Pool too. So double YAY!

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Of course we know that not everyone in Our Community has had a chance to purchase our great Oculus Rift VR headset yet :( Only 0.3% of you have done so! :((( Even though we’ve made sure to tell you all about how great it is for, like, the past several years. (You’ll remember we also ran VR Summer Club Camp last year in Black Chasm Cave. However attendance averaged <1% — and there was that unfortunate incident with the toxic frog — so your Club Committee knows it has a lot more work to do!). So, after a long talk at our last #awesome TLB Brisket Cook-OutMZ I’m really excited to announce an amazing Discount for Club Members that have shown the most dedication to Our Community over the years! This means all of you will very soon enjoy the benefits of Oculus VR! Zero excuses!

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(NB: If you’re wondering how exactly we’ll be calculating personalized Oculus discounts we can tell you it involves a proprietary formula that Your Club Committee developed based on your lifelong Participation & Attendance Metrics (PAM). We can’t say too much, in case the formula were to be maliciously leaked to Lindenwood — or even, brisket forbid! Staumbaugh Heller!!! — (NBNB: For a reminder about penalties for leaking proprietary Club Information see the base of this newsletter; but, tl;dr, don’t do it!!! Remember the Club Motto: ‘Speak Don’t leak!’).

What we CAN tell you is we’ve been busy number-crunching PAM for the past several years, and those Club Members who have shown not just a consistent commitment to Our Community (which is mandatory) but who have shared their increasing enthusiasm for the Club Program (which Your TLB obviously works 24/7 to bring you!) will be given the biggest discounts — of up to 6.8%! Everyone else will get a smaller discount (based on your unique PAM-based relationship with the Club Program). So basically you only have yourselves to blame if you get offered a discount of sub-0.5%. (And don’t forget we’ll be sharing PAM scores with parents/guardians at the upcoming mandatory BH&FA Club Regulations Awareness Program.)

As you know, Membership of the Club is dependent upon reading Our Newsletter — which includes all Our Sponsor Messages. (Our Sponsors wouldn’t pay us if you didn’t read their messages now would they!?!) So unfortunately Your Club Committee is prepared to say goodbye to any Members who aren’t able to access the Newsletter in future. (NB: Saying you don’t have a VR headset will absolutely not be an acceptable excuse!!! We are, however, open to suggestions for expanding cross-platform support if Members have already bought other VR headsets. (Although we might question your loyalty to BH&FA YC if you do that!!! ;)))

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Your Awesome TLB Club Committee Update!

So what’s on the boys’ discussion agenda this week Mark!?!

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Mmmmmm! Just getting ready for some more crispy brisket!

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Okay, time for the customary run down of Important Issues Your TLB is really busy managing around the BBQ while you guys kick back and do wtf you like on campus… Mmm brisket! #Brisket #CookOut #Meat #Mmmm

Participation & Engagement Metrics — as you should really know by now Your Committee’s ‘prime directive’ is 100% attendance & program engagement at all times! PAM! PAM! So frankly you guys are always a total disappointment :( BUT! — this week Boztank said he’s going to bring some of his special Ideas Envelopes for us to push around while we’re BBQing brisket — so consider yourselves totally warned!!!! PAM! PAM!

Takeover of Woodside Heights YC — yes we are still finalizing our takeover of Woodside Heights. But we now expect members to be migrated to BH&FA by 06:00 on Saturday 4 at the very latest. Issues we have encountered with the migration include some outgoing Woodside members objecting to the razing of their Clubhouse and the mandatory requirement to travel to BH&FA’s campus because it’s so much further away from where they live and their moms and pops are at work so can’t always taxi them over. However we have pointed out that the facilities we offer here are by far superior. Sheryl has been working super hard (including on Saturdays) to get the message to Woodside parents that their kids will absolutely have the best development opportunities at BH&FA. To ease the transition we have also decided to offer Uber coupons (valid: Tuesday afternoons, for two weeks of August) and some pretty substantial Oculus discounts — although both are provisional on the new recruits completing a Club Reorientation Attendance Probation period of no less than 180 months (achieving weekly PAM average of 95.8%). (So if you hear them say ‘Oh CRAP’ you’ll know why.) We’ll be discussing ideas for hazing the newbs in a forthcoming Newsletter. So stay tuned! And get ready to burn all that Woodside Heights smoke out of em!!!

Parental Concern — unfortunately we have been informed that a few responsible adults have been expressing concern over what Members might have been exposed to via the Club Program. We are investigating to determine whether there are any identifiable issues of concern, and so far have compiled a list of about ~2,500,000 items for possible follow-up — including reports of screenings of human beheadings in the cinema; animal torture in the yard; misogynistic graffiti all over the place; human trafficking; and even bomb-making classes and/or fascist memorabilia being distributed by a small number of members (!!!). While some of this stuff does sound kind of alarming, in truth we’re generally pretty stoked about the rich diversity of expression that’s evidently thriving within Our Community. Although we are still investigating to determine whether there are any specific issues we need to follow up on — like, in case we need to add an additional rule to our strict ‘Zero Nudity (no, not even fine art or war reportage nudes you sick f—)’ Club Policy. We’ll keep you posted if we decide to amend the Charter. But for now we just ask that you carry on being your richly expressive selves. (As we like to say on the Committee: ‘If you feel it, f—ing say it!!!!’)

Member Behavior — it has also come to our attention that a small number of Members have been getting increasingly loud and disruptive on campus. However, in the BH&FA YC Founding Charter, we do make it very clear that any attempts to curtail or moderate freedom of expression will _not_be _at_all_ tolerated_. We therefore want to reassure all Club Members that when you are here, under our watchful care, you can say anything at all you want to anyone you fancy — no matter how horribly wrong or hurtful it might be. (As the TLB like to say at the start of a Cook-Out when we’re fighting over whose turn it is to poke the fire: ‘Sticks & stones will break your bones but names can never hurt you!’). That said, we have noticed an uptick in some very nasty name calling; blatantly false and/or ridiculous rumors (no, my parents were not lizards!!!); and people trying to start *actual* fights and/or fires during Club Events. One particularly unruly member — who shall remain nameless (but rest assured We Know Who You Are!!! NB: We discuss this person’s behavior in more detail below, in our Newsletter ‘Hard Issue of The Day’ — and who, let it be known, we also know has a record of threatening behavior outside the Club (because Sheryl read about it in the Menlo Park Tribune)), has been passing off some very ‘creative fictions’ on campus — we suspect as a sort of post-modern art project. But still, we’re keeping an eye out. For example, Adam says he’s seen instances of this person telling others in Our Community that Members’ dead relations didn’t really exist at all, and, furthermore, that corpses laid out in the morgue were just so-called ‘crisis actors’ paid by kids’ parents to pretend to like them. While we’re admittedly impressed with the avant-garde creativity of this particular Member, we recognize that they have also been saying a lot of other absolute tosh — like that flu shots give you cancer or make you gay or turn you into a toxic frog. And that President Trump is the literal lovechild of a Republican Senator (who we’re not naming for libel reasons) and the Angel Gabriel. Like, frankly speaking, we’ve lost track of the amount of garbage this particular Member has been spouting but that’s 100% okay because keeping track of how Members freely expressing themselves is totally not our job at all. We’re just here to make sure the BH&FA campus is massive enough to house all the billions of Members that now make up our richly diverse Community — which also means making sure Our Club Charter enshrines an absolute right to be an utter f— to anyone you please. Kids, we really can’t start cherry picking or where would it end?! The bottom line is that here at BH&FA YC, Your Committee is proud to preside over a marketplace of brainfarts of every possible flavor, toxic or otherwise. So we would like to take this opportunity to remind Members about our very firm *non-discrimination policy* — of welcoming absolutely anyone as a Member, no matter how disgusting your personal views. (And, sheesh, you kids really do have some pretty icky stuff on your mind sometimes!!!) Your Committee would also like to suggest all Members reread Boztank’s 2009 addendum to the Club Charter (entitled: ‘Why you kids need to learn to suck it up’). The TLBs never let anything as non-formulaic as emotional distress get in the way of the campus expansion roadmap. After all, we’ve got a mission to bring the benefits of BH&FA to every person (*13 years or older*) ON THE PLANET! (Shoot for 100% or kill everyone trying!!! — as we like to joke around the BBQ! Or as Boztank’s knuckle tattoo actually reads: ‘We grow PAM, period.’ So, as ever, eyes on the bigger prize, kids.)

Brisket cook out! — yes! It’s back by popular demand! This time I will personally be bringing a small herd of live Dexter cows on campus and everyone will watch while I tear them apart with my bare hands. Chunks of brisket will be distributed according to the standard Club Formula and each Member will be responsible for cooking their own chunk (or not!). But please no squabbling over the meat!!! And definitely no pushing! You can shout insults at each other in the hopes of being able to distract another Member and grab yourself a tastier chunk but do please keep acts of physical aggression *off campus*. It’s a waste of energy anyways as everyone will definitely get some brisket, even if not everyone can get the delicious deep pectoral I will personally be chowing down on. (It is, however, inevitable that some members will have to wait longer than others to get some meat. But given Our Community is now 2.5BN Members strong & counting! — suck that up Staumbaugh Heller!!! >:-) — we absolutely must have a formula to manage the distribution of the Club Program, fair or otherwise. NB: Having a formula is the important bit, kids. As your parents should tell you, that’s called ‘Leadership’.)

Proposal to livestream the urinals — as part of our ‘Next-Gen YC 2.0 Moving Fwd Brainfart Sessions 2018 Summer Season Sponsored by Y Combinator’ Boztank suggested the (IMO) pretty wild idea of putting a livestreaming unit in the urinals (!) — pointing down at the pee stream. He thinks it could be a good idea to collect yet another data-point on top of the ~hundreds of thousands we already record per Member for some interesting new engagement metric that we haven’t bothered to think of yet. We’ll let you know at least a day in advance if we decide to move forward with this plan. (NB: We’re still discussing whether it’s a good idea to livestream the girls’ toilets. Or we might just unilaterally replace all Club loos with unisex urinals. tbc). tbh the urinal idea was a lot better than Boz’s other suggestion which was a livestreamed ‘loudest fart’ competition. We might revisit that next fall, for our next Camp Cook-Out

Committee ‘Diversity’ — we are aware that some Members are continuing to complain about the lack of so-called ‘diversity’ on the TLB Committee. However we would point out we are a truly open-minded bunch of — yes, okay, sure, whatevs — entirely white guys but who are nonetheless willing to entertain the wild and crazy notion that there’s no box at all to think inside of. So, frankly, we don’t understand what your problem is. Also we’re not *all* guys — that’s what Sheryl’s here for

‘Leadership elections’ — it has also come to our attention that a very small number of Club Members have been spreading some very malicious, gossipy and totally fake rumors claiming the Club Charter is going to be rewritten to create fixed leadership terms and allow for future Leader Elections. I personally want to make it very, VERY clear that this is 100% FAKE NEWS. Your Committee will not be discussing any changes to the Committee’s structure at all. At any point. Ever. Period.

Under-13s YC — a brief update on the amazing traction we’re seeing for our ‘Horizon Newborn’ under-13s YC which continues to deliver major wins for BH&FA by onboarding all your siblings from the moment of birth to get them prepped & primed for life in the excitingly breakneck ‘fast-lane’ here on the 13+ campus (NB: Under-13 Memberships are automatically migrated to a full BH&FA YC Membership on your siblings’ thirteenth birthday; but remember, it’s your responsibility to let them know that if they want to collect any cuddly toys or other mementos they’ve accidentally left at the under-13s campus they will have to come here and sign the Membership form to release them from our Cryogenic Cold Storage Unit — where you should warn them they will otherwise languish for all eternity.) The committee is currently discussing whether to turn some of the old Woodside Heights YC campus into an Under-13s soft play foam-axe room. Alternatively we might turn it into a child-friendly sand & gravel mine. tbc

‘Odd’ sponsor message content — just a quick note on this last line item but we are aware of a few Members — and in fact the heads of some other Youth Clubs — raising concerns about things they’ve seen in our Sponsor Messages. We’re really not at sure what the issue/s of concern might be but we’re 100% sure that the notion of there being any problem at all with any of the stuff Our Sponsors are paying us to tell you is, like, a _totally_crazy_idea_. So, respectfully, we suggest you drop it. (NB: Also if you want to be able to keep swimming in the Club Money Pool you need to stop asking awkward stuff or we might have to close the pool to non-Committee Members.)

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Hard Issue of the day :/

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Trouble With A Member

Sheryl making her really scary face (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

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I know we’re almost out of time for this week’s newsletter but — following on from the note about ‘Member Behavior’ — I wanted to take a short moment to remind all Members of the Club’s foundational commitment to freedom of expression at all costs.

Kids, if your reading level is strong enough you will understand that “at all costs” means there is actually a cost (but don’t worry, we’re not going to start charging you Membership fees!!! it’s not that kind of really bad cost) to the freedoms we enjoy here on campus. And, well, sometimes that cost means being forced to be bullied in public by an angry mob or having to know that some Members are going around campus telling others that your cherished siblings were in fact just a figment of your imagination and the tragic death they suffered at the hands of a gun-touting maniac is just your totally delusional fancy. Yep, life really can be that shitty sometimes! We’re not gonna lie to you!

Regretfully, this ‘cost’ also means that members of Our Community who are Jewish may well also hear some pretty random and totally untrue stuff being spread about their community on campus. Like that time one of our Member Societies put on an ‘alternative’ WWII fictional reconstruction in the theatre. Now Your Committee doesn’t for a moment believe that anyone on campus could have viewed this work as anything other than the piece of avant garde theatre it very obviously was (IMHO). (I mean, maybe a few Members thought it was an historically accurate reconstruction but really it’s the job of the rest of you kids to make fun of anyone crazy enough to believe such stupid stuff!!!) We sure don’t believe that kind of absolute crap. But, nonetheless, we’re 100% comfortable with our decision to operate an entirely open-door Membership Policy because Your TLB is entirely incapable of discriminating. I mean, if we did, where on Earth would it end?!? So even if a Member of Our Community happens to be a renowned fantasist with a record of shouting FIRE in theaters, or even a paid up member of a neo-nazi group which routinely denies historically verified episodes of ethnic cleansing, that’s totally not our problem — it’s theirs! We just provide the world’s over-13s with a soapbox to express their unvarnished selves, globally. What Members choose to do with the tools we provide to help them get their message out there is obviously none of our business!! (Although it is literally BH&FA YC’s business but how else would we fund the platform in the first place?!)

In any case, fact-checking is for qualified professionals who probably work for newspapers. And we are totally not that at all!!! [Edit note from Adam: Are there any newspapers left? Didn’t the Tribune close when you made the Newsletter a daily?] (Supplementary note from Boztank: Remember kids, Mark himself is Jewish. So if he can suck up Holocaust denial, so can you! As my grandpops used to say: ‘If a piece of baloney hasn’t blown your face off you’re winning because you’re not dead yet so stop whining ya cream-faced loon!’)

Last word from Mark: As Boztank has been saying for, like, almost before some of you were born, speech that is “distasteful and ignorant” is nothing to be worried about so long as you kids are totally prepared to just laugh it off (NB: We might use laughing gas for this too — see the Newsletter endnote for more on what we’re cooking up in the Innovation Labs). And, well, frankly speaking, a lot more people really need to grow up and learn that maniacs spouting total rubbish are just an unfortunate distraction from great Sponsor Message content. In any case, fact-checking is expensive — far too expensive for the Club Treasurer’s tastes!!

So, to wrap up, Your Committee wants to make it totally plain we’re 110% here to entertain your behavior — unruly, unreasonable or just plain stupid! Whatever the f— you like! (Just plank safely, eh! There have been a number of deaths related to selfie challenges lately and we’d really prefer you enjoy rather than kill yourselves!!!) And while we may not always be 100% comfortable about the views you’re espousing on campus, or via Club equipment (NB: We have another shipment of 200M Wi-Fi enabled megaphones arriving Wednesday so get gargling!!), we want all Members to know we’re fully behind you being a totally offensive f—. Period.

(Actually, if you or your parents bothered to read the small print that’s literally what our Founding Charter says. In any case, like Sheryl says, there’s no way Our Community would keep growing like the weed it has if we hadn’t let in any shitty idea that wants to crawl in off the street and set up a stink, crawl in off the street and set up a stink. She also says that BH&FA YC is like a compost heap: All shits are 100% welcome here. And: If it stinks, the Club Treasurer winks!!)

All we ask is that you kids play nice together. Because, regretfully, the bill for Clubhouse security staff has been rising alarmingly over the past several months — as more bouncers have been needed around campus to break up several pretty serious brawls. And, well, we have already stuffed the Newsletter to bursting with Sponsor Messages. So we do have some concerns about the depth of the Club Money Pool, going forward. We’ll be bringing you a more fulsome update on Club Finances in a future Newsletter (tbc — Wehner).

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One more thing!

Exciting Announcement… of a beta test to a Clubhouse Rule change!

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FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes! Shouting fire in the cinema is now provisionally acceptable!!!

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We wanted to end the Newsletter with a bit of good news, so the TLB has decided to beta test letting Members yell “fire” or even “bomb” during screenings in the cinema. Or actually anything you fancy (why not get creative — like, by yelling ‘argh! alien facehugger squirting acid on my eyeballs!!!’).

Why? Because the TLB has decided that having a space where Members’ speech is constrained — even as a narrow health & safety precaution — was just FAR too risky for Community cohesion. So we’re removing it and saying ya-boo-sucks to the consequences!

But don’t worry! We’re putting Community Safety first by taking precautions to keep all Members safe. (For example, we’ve covered all sharp edges in the cinema with foam padding to prevent anyone from being impaled during any panic-induced stampedes for the exit. But please remember there’s only one exit — so play safe kids! Definitely try not to crush each other to death!!! (NB: The Committee would like to take this opportunity to remind all Members that an ‘in the event of my death and/or horrific personal injury’ legal waiver was signed by all of you when you joined the Club so anyone with litigious parents should warn them not to get any ideas. (Yes, we know Colin is leaving but that’s not until after Thanksgiving.))

The Committee is also considering installing facial recognition technology in the cinema Wi-Fi-connected to laughing gas canisters which would be triggered in the event of anyone getting overly emotional in there. Our idea is that the gas could be automatically dispensed if any Members became hysterical, or, well, overly sad — thereby distracting people and preventing risky stampedes. (NB: This exciting Club innovation is still a work in progress but we’ll be sure to keep you updated on progress in future Newsletters. See our quasi-regular: ‘What’s Mark Cooking In The Lab’ section)

And that’s about all for today kids! Feel free to unstrap from your Oculus for now (for those of you special early adopters out there!) — and it’s adios amigos until tomorrow, when we’ll be right back in your face with more exciting BH&FA YC news!!!!

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Warning: Anyone caught leaking Club policies or information WILL HAVE THEIR MEMBERSHIP REVOKED AND BE BANNED FOR LIFE. Members contravening this rule will also be physically removed from campus (should they be here at the time) with zero opportunity to collect any personal belongings or say goodbye to any friends. Personal items will be piled in the yard and used as fuel for the next Club Cook-Out which will kick off with a competition to see which member can shout ‘Speak don’t leak!’ the loudest. One winner will be selected by Mark and given a bite of his prime brisket. Appeals are impossible.  

Photo: paylessimages/iStock

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Still here?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!

Additional really important information from the committee: Uhhhh, Alex just told me that the Committee room where we keep the PAM records, going back to ~2005, was left unlocked for, like, the past decade(ish). A quick review of our CCTV records appears to show a small army of unknown persons coming and going pretty steadily over the years. It looks like these complete strangers were systematically helping themselves to PAM stored in the Club register. Some of these non-members appeared to have used the same Clubhouse parking lot as our ~3,000 regular campus data partners — arriving in vans painted with names like ‘N.Y. Data uLike UnLtd’ and ‘Other Peoples’ info 4 you Inc.’ — perhaps seeking to blend in beside the totally reputable businesses we’ve been sharing all your information with for, like, ever, in order to undertake their totally nefarious theft of your PAM. So we’re really sorry about that! Sheesh! If it helps Sheryl was super mad with us and didn’t speak to us for, like, a week after she found out :o( Anyway it’s totally fine now because we have put an actual lock on the door. Phew! (NB: Anyone wondering if they can claim competition for the Committee’s total failure to protect your privacy should refer to the Compensation Claims Waiver Clause in the Club Charter which everyone signed by default when they joined (by clicking a button saying ‘yes I want to collect my free Brisket hamburger! & register for Club Membership! & I’m super happy to let Mark be totally responsible for all my data’). Feel free to ring Colin for a cry if you like. Thanks! – Your MZ) 

© BH&FA YC MZ: Winners don’t leak — they speak!

from Social – TechCrunch https://ift.tt/2AidFxI Original Content From: https://techcrunch.com

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Belle Haven & Friendly Acres Over 13s Youth Club Newsletter

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Hey KIDS!

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Exciting News!

First up: Exciting news! We’re going to be migrating the Club Newsletter to a new format from next month that will be delivered in person! In virtual reality! This means you’ll be able to feel like I’m sitting right next to you saying this stuff right in your face instead of just passively reading it off a screen and maybe getting distracted by other less important stuff. Myself and your Totally Lost Boys (TLB) Club Committee are so excited that we can bring you this amazing experience before any other Youth Club in the world! #awesome

Here’s a taster from a VR trip I took recently to check out the totally awful devastation in Puerto Rico:

Now you’re probably asking how can we bring this exciting new technology to your friendly neighborhood Youth Club, right?! I’m pleased to say that the 2,500% increase in Newsletter Sponsor Messages over the past ~two months has really helped bulk up the Club Money Pool. Rest assured, we’re ploughing all these revenues into product development to continue to make BH&FA YC the most innovative Youth Club on Planet Earth!

Of course we don’t want the Club to fall behind Lindenwood or Farm Hills YC either, which — as we’ve told you in recent Newsletters — have been busy developing ‘innovative’ newsletter solutions of their own. (I say ‘innovative’ but we all know the YC of MZ Yours Truly is the real innovator around these hills!!) But — and it’s a BIG ONE kids! — if the Club Committee were to allow another club to get ahead of BH&FA (brisket forbid!!!), say by offering better Member facilities, then we’d risk Membership declining — instead of benefiting from the continued year-on-year growth that _we_all_enjoy_. It would also mean less money for the Club Treasurer to spend on buying up neighborhood housing to knock down in order to expand the size of the Clubhouse and keep you all entertained right here on campus! And you really don’t want to be bored do you?! (NB: The date for opening the infinity pool waterpark is still tbc. We found a leak on several floors and given there’s a risk of electrical fire death if we get this wrong it’s taking a little longer than hoped.)

Of course the impending mandatory migration to VR Newsletters also means we’ll be able to bring you more immersive Newsletter Sponsor Messages in future! YAY! Which will be great for the Club Money Pool too. So double YAY!

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Of course we know that not everyone in Our Community has had a chance to purchase our great Oculus Rift VR headset yet :( Only 0.3% of you have done so! :((( Even though we’ve made sure to tell you all about how great it is for, like, the past several years. (You’ll remember we also ran VR Summer Club Camp last year in Black Chasm Cave. However attendance averaged <1% — and there was that unfortunate incident with the toxic frog — so your Club Committee knows it has a lot more work to do!). So, after a long talk at our last #awesome TLB Brisket Cook-OutMZ I’m really excited to announce an amazing Discount for Club Members that have shown the most dedication to Our Community over the years! This means all of you will very soon enjoy the benefits of Oculus VR! Zero excuses!

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(NB: If you’re wondering how exactly we’ll be calculating personalized Oculus discounts we can tell you it involves a proprietary formula that Your Club Committee developed based on your lifelong Participation & Attendance Metrics (PAM). We can’t say too much, in case the formula were to be maliciously leaked to Lindenwood — or even, brisket forbid! Staumbaugh Heller!!! — (NBNB: For a reminder about penalties for leaking proprietary Club Information see the base of this newsletter; but, tl;dr, don’t do it!!! Remember the Club Motto: ‘Speak Don’t leak!’).

What we CAN tell you is we’ve been busy number-crunching PAM for the past several years, and those Club Members who have shown not just a consistent commitment to Our Community (which is mandatory) but who have shared their increasing enthusiasm for the Club Program (which Your TLB obviously works 24/7 to bring you!) will be given the biggest discounts — of up to 6.8%! Everyone else will get a smaller discount (based on your unique PAM-based relationship with the Club Program). So basically you only have yourselves to blame if you get offered a discount of sub-0.5%. (And don’t forget we’ll be sharing PAM scores with parents/guardians at the upcoming mandatory BH&FA Club Regulations Awareness Program.)

As you know, Membership of the Club is dependent upon reading Our Newsletter — which includes all Our Sponsor Messages. (Our Sponsors wouldn’t pay us if you didn’t read their messages now would they!?!) So unfortunately Your Club Committee is prepared to say goodbye to any Members who aren’t able to access the Newsletter in future. (NB: Saying you don’t have a VR headset will absolutely not be an acceptable excuse!!! We are, however, open to suggestions for expanding cross-platform support if Members have already bought other VR headsets. (Although we might question your loyalty to BH&FA YC if you do that!!! ;)))

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Your Awesome TLB Club Committee Update!

So what’s on the boys’ discussion agenda this week Mark!?!

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Mmmmmm! Just getting ready for some more crispy brisket!

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Okay, time for the customary run down of Important Issues Your TLB is really busy managing around the BBQ while you guys kick back and do wtf you like on campus… Mmm brisket! #Brisket #CookOut #Meat #Mmmm

Participation & Engagement Metrics — as you should really know by now Your Committee’s ‘prime directive’ is 100% attendance & program engagement at all times! PAM! PAM! So frankly you guys are always a total disappointment :( BUT! — this week Boztank said he’s going to bring some of his special Ideas Envelopes for us to push around while we’re BBQing brisket — so consider yourselves totally warned!!!! PAM! PAM!

Takeover of Woodside Heights YC — yes we are still finalizing our takeover of Woodside Heights. But we now expect members to be migrated to BH&FA by 06:00 on Saturday 4 at the very latest. Issues we have encountered with the migration include some outgoing Woodside members objecting to the razing of their Clubhouse and the mandatory requirement to travel to BH&FA’s campus because it’s so much further away from where they live and their moms and pops are at work so can’t always taxi them over. However we have pointed out that the facilities we offer here are by far superior. Sheryl has been working super hard (including on Saturdays) to get the message to Woodside parents that their kids will absolutely have the best development opportunities at BH&FA. To ease the transition we have also decided to offer Uber coupons (valid: Tuesday afternoons, for two weeks of August) and some pretty substantial Oculus discounts — although both are provisional on the new recruits completing a Club Reorientation Attendance Probation period of no less than 180 months (achieving weekly PAM average of 95.8%). (So if you hear them say ‘Oh CRAP’ you’ll know why.) We’ll be discussing ideas for hazing the newbs in a forthcoming Newsletter. So stay tuned! And get ready to burn all that Woodside Heights smoke out of em!!!

Parental Concern — unfortunately we have been informed that a few responsible adults have been expressing concern over what Members might have been exposed to via the Club Program. We are investigating to determine whether there are any identifiable issues of concern, and so far have compiled a list of about ~2,500,000 items for possible follow-up — including reports of screenings of human beheadings in the cinema; animal torture in the yard; misogynistic graffiti all over the place; human trafficking; and even bomb-making classes and/or fascist memorabilia being distributed by a small number of members (!!!). While some of this stuff does sound kind of alarming, in truth we’re generally pretty stoked about the rich diversity of expression that’s evidently thriving within Our Community. Although we are still investigating to determine whether there are any specific issues we need to follow up on — like, in case we need to add an additional rule to our strict ‘Zero Nudity (no, not even fine art or war reportage nudes you sick f—)’ Club Policy. We’ll keep you posted if we decide to amend the Charter. But for now we just ask that you carry on being your richly expressive selves. (As we like to say on the Committee: ‘If you feel it, f—ing say it!!!!’)

Member Behavior — it has also come to our attention that a small number of Members have been getting increasingly loud and disruptive on campus. However, in the BH&FA YC Founding Charter, we do make it very clear that any attempts to curtail or moderate freedom of expression will _not_be _at_all_ tolerated_. We therefore want to reassure all Club Members that when you are here, under our watchful care, you can say anything at all you want to anyone you fancy — no matter how horribly wrong or hurtful it might be. (As the TLB like to say at the start of a Cook-Out when we’re fighting over whose turn it is to poke the fire: ‘Sticks & stones will break your bones but names can never hurt you!’). That said, we have noticed an uptick in some very nasty name calling; blatantly false and/or ridiculous rumors (no, my parents were not lizards!!!); and people trying to start *actual* fights and/or fires during Club Events. One particularly unruly member — who shall remain nameless (but rest assured We Know Who You Are!!! NB: We discuss this person’s behavior in more detail below, in our Newsletter ‘Hard Issue of The Day’ — and who, let it be known, we also know has a record of threatening behavior outside the Club (because Sheryl read about it in the Menlo Park Tribune)), has been passing off some very ‘creative fictions’ on campus — we suspect as a sort of post-modern art project. But still, we’re keeping an eye out. For example, Adam says he’s seen instances of this person telling others in Our Community that Members’ dead relations didn’t really exist at all, and, furthermore, that corpses laid out in the morgue were just so-called ‘crisis actors’ paid by kids’ parents to pretend to like them. While we’re admittedly impressed with the avant-garde creativity of this particular Member, we recognize that they have also been saying a lot of other absolute tosh — like that flu shots give you cancer or make you gay or turn you into a toxic frog. And that President Trump is the literal lovechild of a Republican Senator (who we’re not naming for libel reasons) and the Angel Gabriel. Like, frankly speaking, we’ve lost track of the amount of garbage this particular Member has been spouting but that’s 100% okay because keeping track of how Members freely expressing themselves is totally not our job at all. We’re just here to make sure the BH&FA campus is massive enough to house all the billions of Members that now make up our richly diverse Community — which also means making sure Our Club Charter enshrines an absolute right to be an utter f— to anyone you please. Kids, we really can’t start cherry picking or where would it end?! The bottom line is that here at BH&FA YC, Your Committee is proud to preside over a marketplace of brainfarts of every possible flavor, toxic or otherwise. So we would like to take this opportunity to remind Members about our very firm *non-discrimination policy* — of welcoming absolutely anyone as a Member, no matter how disgusting your personal views. (And, sheesh, you kids really do have some pretty icky stuff on your mind sometimes!!!) Your Committee would also like to suggest all Members reread Boztank’s 2009 addendum to the Club Charter (entitled: ‘Why you kids need to learn to suck it up’). The TLBs never let anything as non-formulaic as emotional distress get in the way of the campus expansion roadmap. After all, we’ve got a mission to bring the benefits of BH&FA to every person (*13 years or older*) ON THE PLANET! (Shoot for 100% or kill everyone trying!!! — as we like to joke around the BBQ! Or as Boztank’s knuckle tattoo actually reads: ‘We grow PAM, period.’ So, as ever, eyes on the bigger prize, kids.)

Brisket cook out! — yes! It’s back by popular demand! This time I will personally be bringing a small herd of live Dexter cows on campus and everyone will watch while I tear them apart with my bare hands. Chunks of brisket will be distributed according to the standard Club Formula and each Member will be responsible for cooking their own chunk (or not!). But please no squabbling over the meat!!! And definitely no pushing! You can shout insults at each other in the hopes of being able to distract another Member and grab yourself a tastier chunk but do please keep acts of physical aggression *off campus*. It’s a waste of energy anyways as everyone will definitely get some brisket, even if not everyone can get the delicious deep pectoral I will personally be chowing down on. (It is, however, inevitable that some members will have to wait longer than others to get some meat. But given Our Community is now 2.5BN Members strong & counting! — suck that up Staumbaugh Heller!!! >:-) — we absolutely must have a formula to manage the distribution of the Club Program, fair or otherwise. NB: Having a formula is the important bit, kids. As your parents should tell you, that’s called ‘Leadership’.)

Proposal to livestream the urinals — as part of our ‘Next-Gen YC 2.0 Moving Fwd Brainfart Sessions 2018 Summer Season Sponsored by Y Combinator’ Boztank suggested the (IMO) pretty wild idea of putting a livestreaming unit in the urinals (!) — pointing down at the pee stream. He thinks it could be a good idea to collect yet another data-point on top of the ~hundreds of thousands we already record per Member for some interesting new engagement metric that we haven’t bothered to think of yet. We’ll let you know at least a day in advance if we decide to move forward with this plan. (NB: We’re still discussing whether it’s a good idea to livestream the girls’ toilets. Or we might just unilaterally replace all Club loos with unisex urinals. tbc). tbh the urinal idea was a lot better than Boz’s other suggestion which was a livestreamed ‘loudest fart’ competition. We might revisit that next fall, for our next Camp Cook-Out

Committee ‘Diversity’ — we are aware that some Members are continuing to complain about the lack of so-called ‘diversity’ on the TLB Committee. However we would point out we are a truly open-minded bunch of — yes, okay, sure, whatevs — entirely white guys but who are nonetheless willing to entertain the wild and crazy notion that there’s no box at all to think inside of. So, frankly, we don’t understand what your problem is. Also we’re not *all* guys — that’s what Sheryl’s here for

‘Leadership elections’ — it has also come to our attention that a very small number of Club Members have been spreading some very malicious, gossipy and totally fake rumors claiming the Club Charter is going to be rewritten to create fixed leadership terms and allow for future Leader Elections. I personally want to make it very, VERY clear that this is 100% FAKE NEWS. Your Committee will not be discussing any changes to the Committee’s structure at all. At any point. Ever. Period.

Under-13s YC — a brief update on the amazing traction we’re seeing for our ‘Horizon Newborn’ under-13s YC which continues to deliver major wins for BH&FA by onboarding all your siblings from the moment of birth to get them prepped & primed for life in the excitingly breakneck ‘fast-lane’ here on the 13+ campus (NB: Under-13 Memberships are automatically migrated to a full BH&FA YC Membership on your siblings’ thirteenth birthday; but remember, it’s your responsibility to let them know that if they want to collect any cuddly toys or other mementos they’ve accidentally left at the under-13s campus they will have to come here and sign the Membership form to release them from our Cryogenic Cold Storage Unit — where you should warn them they will otherwise languish for all eternity.) The committee is currently discussing whether to turn some of the old Woodside Heights YC campus into an Under-13s soft play foam-axe room. Alternatively we might turn it into a child-friendly sand & gravel mine. tbc

‘Odd’ sponsor message content — just a quick note on this last line item but we are aware of a few Members — and in fact the heads of some other Youth Clubs — raising concerns about things they’ve seen in our Sponsor Messages. We’re really not at sure what the issue/s of concern might be but we’re 100% sure that the notion of there being any problem at all with any of the stuff Our Sponsors are paying us to tell you is, like, a _totally_crazy_idea_. So, respectfully, we suggest you drop it. (NB: Also if you want to be able to keep swimming in the Club Money Pool you need to stop asking awkward stuff or we might have to close the pool to non-Committee Members.)

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Hard Issue of the day :/

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Trouble With A Member

Sheryl making her really scary face (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

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I know we’re almost out of time for this week’s newsletter but — following on from the note about ‘Member Behavior’ — I wanted to take a short moment to remind all Members of the Club’s foundational commitment to freedom of expression at all costs.

Kids, if your reading level is strong enough you will understand that “at all costs” means there is actually a cost (but don’t worry, we’re not going to start charging you Membership fees!!! it’s not that kind of really bad cost) to the freedoms we enjoy here on campus. And, well, sometimes that cost means being forced to be bullied in public by an angry mob or having to know that some Members are going around campus telling others that your cherished siblings were in fact just a figment of your imagination and the tragic death they suffered at the hands of a gun-touting maniac is just your totally delusional fancy. Yep, life really can be that shitty sometimes! We’re not gonna lie to you!

Regretfully, this ‘cost’ also means that members of Our Community who are Jewish may well also hear some pretty random and totally untrue stuff being spread about their community on campus. Like that time one of our Member Societies put on an ‘alternative’ WWII fictional reconstruction in the theatre. Now Your Committee doesn’t for a moment believe that anyone on campus could have viewed this work as anything other than the piece of avant garde theatre it very obviously was (IMHO). (I mean, maybe a few Members thought it was an historically accurate reconstruction but really it’s the job of the rest of you kids to make fun of anyone crazy enough to believe such stupid stuff!!!) We sure don’t believe that kind of absolute crap. But, nonetheless, we’re 100% comfortable with our decision to operate an entirely open-door Membership Policy because Your TLB is entirely incapable of discriminating. I mean, if we did, where on Earth would it end?!? So even if a Member of Our Community happens to be a renowned fantasist with a record of shouting FIRE in theaters, or even a paid up member of a neo-nazi group which routinely denies historically verified episodes of ethnic cleansing, that’s totally not our problem — it’s theirs! We just provide the world’s over-13s with a soapbox to express their unvarnished selves, globally. What Members choose to do with the tools we provide to help them get their message out there is obviously none of our business!! (Although it is literally BH&FA YC’s business but how else would we fund the platform in the first place?!)

In any case, fact-checking is for qualified professionals who probably work for newspapers. And we are totally not that at all!!! [Edit note from Adam: Are there any newspapers left? Didn’t the Tribune close when you made the Newsletter a daily?] (Supplementary note from Boztank: Remember kids, Mark himself is Jewish. So if he can suck up Holocaust denial, so can you! As my grandpops used to say: ‘If a piece of baloney hasn’t blown your face off you’re winning because you’re not dead yet so stop whining ya cream-faced loon!’)

Last word from Mark: As Boztank has been saying for, like, almost before some of you were born, speech that is “distasteful and ignorant” is nothing to be worried about so long as you kids are totally prepared to just laugh it off (NB: We might use laughing gas for this too — see the Newsletter endnote for more on what we’re cooking up in the Innovation Labs). And, well, frankly speaking, a lot more people really need to grow up and learn that maniacs spouting total rubbish are just an unfortunate distraction from great Sponsor Message content. In any case, fact-checking is expensive — far too expensive for the Club Treasurer’s tastes!!

So, to wrap up, Your Committee wants to make it totally plain we’re 110% here to entertain your behavior — unruly, unreasonable or just plain stupid! Whatever the f— you like! (Just plank safely, eh! There have been a number of deaths related to selfie challenges lately and we’d really prefer you enjoy rather than kill yourselves!!!) And while we may not always be 100% comfortable about the views you’re espousing on campus, or via Club equipment (NB: We have another shipment of 200M Wi-Fi enabled megaphones arriving Wednesday so get gargling!!), we want all Members to know we’re fully behind you being a totally offensive f—. Period.

(Actually, if you or your parents bothered to read the small print that’s literally what our Founding Charter says. In any case, like Sheryl says, there’s no way Our Community would keep growing like the weed it has if we hadn’t let in any shitty idea that wants to crawl in off the street and set up a stink, crawl in off the street and set up a stink. She also says that BH&FA YC is like a compost heap: All shits are 100% welcome here. And: If it stinks, the Club Treasurer winks!!)

All we ask is that you kids play nice together. Because, regretfully, the bill for Clubhouse security staff has been rising alarmingly over the past several months — as more bouncers have been needed around campus to break up several pretty serious brawls. And, well, we have already stuffed the Newsletter to bursting with Sponsor Messages. So we do have some concerns about the depth of the Club Money Pool, going forward. We’ll be bringing you a more fulsome update on Club Finances in a future Newsletter (tbc — Wehner).

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One more thing!

Exciting Announcement… of a beta test to a Clubhouse Rule change!

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FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes! Shouting fire in the cinema is now provisionally acceptable!!!

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We wanted to end the Newsletter with a bit of good news, so the TLB has decided to beta test letting Members yell “fire” or even “bomb” during screenings in the cinema. Or actually anything you fancy (why not get creative — like, by yelling ‘argh! alien facehugger squirting acid on my eyeballs!!!’).

Why? Because the TLB has decided that having a space where Members’ speech is constrained — even as a narrow health & safety precaution — was just FAR too risky for Community cohesion. So we’re removing it and saying ya-boo-sucks to the consequences!

But don’t worry! We’re putting Community Safety first by taking precautions to keep all Members safe. (For example, we’ve covered all sharp edges in the cinema with foam padding to prevent anyone from being impaled during any panic-induced stampedes for the exit. But please remember there’s only one exit — so play safe kids! Definitely try not to crush each other to death!!! (NB: The Committee would like to take this opportunity to remind all Members that an ‘in the event of my death and/or horrific personal injury’ legal waiver was signed by all of you when you joined the Club so anyone with litigious parents should warn them not to get any ideas. (Yes, we know Colin is leaving but that’s not until after Thanksgiving.))

The Committee is also considering installing facial recognition technology in the cinema Wi-Fi-connected to laughing gas canisters which would be triggered in the event of anyone getting overly emotional in there. Our idea is that the gas could be automatically dispensed if any Members became hysterical, or, well, overly sad — thereby distracting people and preventing risky stampedes. (NB: This exciting Club innovation is still a work in progress but we’ll be sure to keep you updated on progress in future Newsletters. See our quasi-regular: ‘What’s Mark Cooking In The Lab’ section)

And that’s about all for today kids! Feel free to unstrap from your Oculus for now (for those of you special early adopters out there!) — and it’s adios amigos until tomorrow, when we’ll be right back in your face with more exciting BH&FA YC news!!!!

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Warning: Anyone caught leaking Club policies or information WILL HAVE THEIR MEMBERSHIP REVOKED AND BE BANNED FOR LIFE. Members contravening this rule will also be physically removed from campus (should they be here at the time) with zero opportunity to collect any personal belongings or say goodbye to any friends. Personal items will be piled in the yard and used as fuel for the next Club Cook-Out which will kick off with a competition to see which member can shout ‘Speak don’t leak!’ the loudest. One winner will be selected by Mark and given a bite of his prime brisket. Appeals are impossible.  

Photo: paylessimages/iStock

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Still here?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!

Additional really important information from the committee: Uhhhh, Alex just told me that the Committee room where we keep the PAM records, going back to ~2005, was left unlocked for, like, the past decade(ish). A quick review of our CCTV records appears to show a small army of unknown persons coming and going pretty steadily over the years. It looks like these complete strangers were systematically helping themselves to PAM stored in the Club register. Some of these non-members appeared to have used the same Clubhouse parking lot as our ~3,000 regular campus data partners — arriving in vans painted with names like ‘N.Y. Data uLike UnLtd’ and ‘Other Peoples’ info 4 you Inc.’ — perhaps seeking to blend in beside the totally reputable businesses we’ve been sharing all your information with for, like, ever, in order to undertake their totally nefarious theft of your PAM. So we’re really sorry about that! Sheesh! If it helps Sheryl was super mad with us and didn’t speak to us for, like, a week after she found out :o( Anyway it’s totally fine now because we have put an actual lock on the door. Phew! (NB: Anyone wondering if they can claim competition for the Committee’s total failure to protect your privacy should refer to the Compensation Claims Waiver Clause in the Club Charter which everyone signed by default when they joined (by clicking a button saying ‘yes I want to collect my free Brisket hamburger! & register for Club Membership! & I’m super happy to let Mark be totally responsible for all my data’). Feel free to ring Colin for a cry if you like. Thanks! – Your MZ) 

© BH&FA YC MZ: Winners don’t leak — they speak!

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Hey KIDS!

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Exciting News!

First up: Exciting news! We’re going to be migrating the Club Newsletter to a new format from next month that will be delivered in person! In virtual reality! This means you’ll be able to feel like I’m sitting right next to you saying this stuff right in your face instead of just passively reading it off a screen and maybe getting distracted by other less important stuff. Myself and your Totally Lost Boys (TLB) Club Committee are so excited that we can bring you this amazing experience before any other Youth Club in the world! #awesome

Here’s a taster from a VR trip I took recently to check out the totally awful devastation in Puerto Rico:

Now you’re probably asking how can we bring this exciting new technology to your friendly neighborhood Youth Club, right?! I’m pleased to say that the 2,500% increase in Newsletter Sponsor Messages over the past ~two months has really helped bulk up the Club Money Pool. Rest assured, we’re ploughing all these revenues into product development to continue to make BH&FA YC the most innovative Youth Club on Planet Earth!

Of course we don’t want the Club to fall behind Lindenwood or Farm Hills YC either, which — as we’ve told you in recent Newsletters — have been busy developing ‘innovative’ newsletter solutions of their own. (I say ‘innovative’ but we all know the YC of MZ Yours Truly is the real innovator around these hills!!) But — and it’s a BIG ONE kids! — if the Club Committee were to allow another club to get ahead of BH&FA (brisket forbid!!!), say by offering better Member facilities, then we’d risk Membership declining — instead of benefiting from the continued year-on-year growth that _we_all_enjoy_. It would also mean less money for the Club Treasurer to spend on buying up neighborhood housing to knock down in order to expand the size of the Clubhouse and keep you all entertained right here on campus! And you really don’t want to be bored do you?! (NB: The date for opening the infinity pool waterpark is still tbc. We found a leak on several floors and given there’s a risk of electrical fire death if we get this wrong it’s taking a little longer than hoped.)

Of course the impending mandatory migration to VR Newsletters also means we’ll be able to bring you more immersive Newsletter Sponsor Messages in future! YAY! Which will be great for the Club Money Pool too. So double YAY!

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Of course we know that not everyone in Our Community has had a chance to purchase our great Oculus Rift VR headset yet :( Only 0.3% of you have done so! :((( Even though we’ve made sure to tell you all about how great it is for, like, the past several years. (You’ll remember we also ran VR Summer Club Camp last year in Black Chasm Cave. However attendance averaged <1% — and there was that unfortunate incident with the toxic frog — so your Club Committee knows it has a lot more work to do!). So, after a long talk at our last #awesome TLB Brisket Cook-OutMZ I’m really excited to announce an amazing Discount for Club Members that have shown the most dedication to Our Community over the years! This means all of you will very soon enjoy the benefits of Oculus VR! Zero excuses!

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(NB: If you’re wondering how exactly we’ll be calculating personalized Oculus discounts we can tell you it involves a proprietary formula that Your Club Committee developed based on your lifelong Participation & Attendance Metrics (PAM). We can’t say too much, in case the formula were to be maliciously leaked to Lindenwood — or even, brisket forbid! Staumbaugh Heller!!! — (NBNB: For a reminder about penalties for leaking proprietary Club Information see the base of this newsletter; but, tl;dr, don’t do it!!! Remember the Club Motto: ‘Speak Don’t leak!’).

What we CAN tell you is we’ve been busy number-crunching PAM for the past several years, and those Club Members who have shown not just a consistent commitment to Our Community (which is mandatory) but who have shared their increasing enthusiasm for the Club Program (which Your TLB obviously works 24/7 to bring you!) will be given the biggest discounts — of up to 6.8%! Everyone else will get a smaller discount (based on your unique PAM-based relationship with the Club Program). So basically you only have yourselves to blame if you get offered a discount of sub-0.5%. (And don’t forget we’ll be sharing PAM scores with parents/guardians at the upcoming mandatory BH&FA Club Regulations Awareness Program.)

As you know, Membership of the Club is dependent upon reading Our Newsletter — which includes all Our Sponsor Messages. (Our Sponsors wouldn’t pay us if you didn’t read their messages now would they!?!) So unfortunately Your Club Committee is prepared to say goodbye to any Members who aren’t able to access the Newsletter in future. (NB: Saying you don’t have a VR headset will absolutely not be an acceptable excuse!!! We are, however, open to suggestions for expanding cross-platform support if Members have already bought other VR headsets. (Although we might question your loyalty to BH&FA YC if you do that!!! ;)))

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Your Awesome TLB Club Committee Update!

So what’s on the boys’ discussion agenda this week Mark!?!

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Mmmmmm! Just getting ready for some more crispy brisket!

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Okay, time for the customary run down of Important Issues Your TLB is really busy managing around the BBQ while you guys kick back and do wtf you like on campus… Mmm brisket! #Brisket #CookOut #Meat #Mmmm

Participation & Engagement Metrics — as you should really know by now Your Committee’s ‘prime directive’ is 100% attendance & program engagement at all times! PAM! PAM! So frankly you guys are always a total disappointment :( BUT! — this week Boztank said he’s going to bring some of his special Ideas Envelopes for us to push around while we’re BBQing brisket — so consider yourselves totally warned!!!! PAM! PAM!

Takeover of Woodside Heights YC — yes we are still finalizing our takeover of Woodside Heights. But we now expect members to be migrated to BH&FA by 06:00 on Saturday 4 at the very latest. Issues we have encountered with the migration include some outgoing Woodside members objecting to the razing of their Clubhouse and the mandatory requirement to travel to BH&FA’s campus because it’s so much further away from where they live and their moms and pops are at work so can’t always taxi them over. However we have pointed out that the facilities we offer here are by far superior. Sheryl has been working super hard (including on Saturdays) to get the message to Woodside parents that their kids will absolutely have the best development opportunities at BH&FA. To ease the transition we have also decided to offer Uber coupons (valid: Tuesday afternoons, for two weeks of August) and some pretty substantial Oculus discounts — although both are provisional on the new recruits completing a Club Reorientation Attendance Probation period of no less than 180 months (achieving weekly PAM average of 95.8%). (So if you hear them say ‘Oh CRAP’ you’ll know why.) We’ll be discussing ideas for hazing the newbs in a forthcoming Newsletter. So stay tuned! And get ready to burn all that Woodside Heights smoke out of em!!!

Parental Concern — unfortunately we have been informed that a few responsible adults have been expressing concern over what Members might have been exposed to via the Club Program. We are investigating to determine whether there are any identifiable issues of concern, and so far have compiled a list of about ~2,500,000 items for possible follow-up — including reports of screenings of human beheadings in the cinema; animal torture in the yard; misogynistic graffiti all over the place; human trafficking; and even bomb-making classes and/or fascist memorabilia being distributed by a small number of members (!!!). While some of this stuff does sound kind of alarming, in truth we’re generally pretty stoked about the rich diversity of expression that���s evidently thriving within Our Community. Although we are still investigating to determine whether there are any specific issues we need to follow up on — like, in case we need to add an additional rule to our strict ‘Zero Nudity (no, not even fine art or war reportage nudes you sick f—)’ Club Policy. We’ll keep you posted if we decide to amend the Charter. But for now we just ask that you carry on being your richly expressive selves. (As we like to say on the Committee: ‘If you feel it, f—ing say it!!!!’)

Member Behavior — it has also come to our attention that a small number of Members have been getting increasingly loud and disruptive on campus. However, in the BH&FA YC Founding Charter, we do make it very clear that any attempts to curtail or moderate freedom of expression will _not_be _at_all_ tolerated_. We therefore want to reassure all Club Members that when you are here, under our watchful care, you can say anything at all you want to anyone you fancy — no matter how horribly wrong or hurtful it might be. (As the TLB like to say at the start of a Cook-Out when we’re fighting over whose turn it is to poke the fire: ‘Sticks & stones will break your bones but names can never hurt you!’). That said, we have noticed an uptick in some very nasty name calling; blatantly false and/or ridiculous rumors (no, my parents were not lizards!!!); and people trying to start *actual* fights and/or fires during Club Events. One particularly unruly member — who shall remain nameless (but rest assured We Know Who You Are!!! NB: We discuss this person’s behavior in more detail below, in our Newsletter ‘Hard Issue of The Day’ — and who, let it be known, we also know has a record of threatening behavior outside the Club (because Sheryl read about it in the Menlo Park Tribune)), has been passing off some very ‘creative fictions’ on campus — we suspect as a sort of post-modern art project. But still, we’re keeping an eye out. For example, Adam says he’s seen instances of this person telling others in Our Community that Members’ dead relations didn’t really exist at all, and, furthermore, that corpses laid out in the morgue were just so-called ‘crisis actors’ paid by kids’ parents to pretend to like them. While we’re admittedly impressed with the avant-garde creativity of this particular Member, we recognize that they have also been saying a lot of other absolute tosh — like that flu shots give you cancer or make you gay or turn you into a toxic frog. And that President Trump is the literal lovechild of a Republican Senator (who we’re not naming for libel reasons) and the Angel Gabriel. Like, frankly speaking, we’ve lost track of the amount of garbage this particular Member has been spouting but that’s 100% okay because keeping track of how Members freely expressing themselves is totally not our job at all. We’re just here to make sure the BH&FA campus is massive enough to house all the billions of Members that now make up our richly diverse Community — which also means making sure Our Club Charter enshrines an absolute right to be an utter f— to anyone you please. Kids, we really can’t start cherry picking or where would it end?! The bottom line is that here at BH&FA YC, Your Committee is proud to preside over a marketplace of brainfarts of every possible flavor, toxic or otherwise. So we would like to take this opportunity to remind Members about our very firm *non-discrimination policy* — of welcoming absolutely anyone as a Member, no matter how disgusting your personal views. (And, sheesh, you kids really do have some pretty icky stuff on your mind sometimes!!!) Your Committee would also like to suggest all Members reread Boztank’s 2009 addendum to the Club Charter (entitled: ‘Why you kids need to learn to suck it up’). The TLBs never let anything as non-formulaic as emotional distress get in the way of the campus expansion roadmap. After all, we’ve got a mission to bring the benefits of BH&FA to every person (*13 years or older*) ON THE PLANET! (Shoot for 100% or kill everyone trying!!! — as we like to joke around the BBQ! Or as Boztank’s knuckle tattoo actually reads: ‘We grow PAM, period.’ So, as ever, eyes on the bigger prize, kids.)

Brisket cook out! — yes! It’s back by popular demand! This time I will personally be bringing a small herd of live Dexter cows on campus and everyone will watch while I tear them apart with my bare hands. Chunks of brisket will be distributed according to the standard Club Formula and each Member will be responsible for cooking their own chunk (or not!). But please no squabbling over the meat!!! And definitely no pushing! You can shout insults at each other in the hopes of being able to distract another Member and grab yourself a tastier chunk but do please keep acts of physical aggression *off campus*. It’s a waste of energy anyways as everyone will definitely get some brisket, even if not everyone can get the delicious deep pectoral I will personally be chowing down on. (It is, however, inevitable that some members will have to wait longer than others to get some meat. But given Our Community is now 2.5BN Members strong & counting! — suck that up Staumbaugh Heller!!! >:-) — we absolutely must have a formula to manage the distribution of the Club Program, fair or otherwise. NB: Having a formula is the important bit, kids. As your parents should tell you, that’s called ‘Leadership’.)

Proposal to livestream the urinals — as part of our ‘Next-Gen YC 2.0 Moving Fwd Brainfart Sessions 2018 Summer Season Sponsored by Y Combinator’ Boztank suggested the (IMO) pretty wild idea of putting a livestreaming unit in the urinals (!) — pointing down at the pee stream. He thinks it could be a good idea to collect yet another data-point on top of the ~hundreds of thousands we already record per Member for some interesting new engagement metric that we haven’t bothered to think of yet. We’ll let you know at least a day in advance if we decide to move forward with this plan. (NB: We’re still discussing whether it’s a good idea to livestream the girls’ toilets. Or we might just unilaterally replace all Club loos with unisex urinals. tbc). tbh the urinal idea was a lot better than Boz’s other suggestion which was a livestreamed ‘loudest fart’ competition. We might revisit that next fall, for our next Camp Cook-Out

Committee ‘Diversity’ — we are aware that some Members are continuing to complain about the lack of so-called ‘diversity’ on the TLB Committee. However we would point out we are a truly open-minded bunch of — yes, okay, sure, whatevs — entirely white guys but who are nonetheless willing to entertain the wild and crazy notion that there’s no box at all to think inside of. So, frankly, we don’t understand what your problem is. Also we’re not *all* guys — that’s what Sheryl’s here for

‘Leadership elections’ — it has also come to our attention that a very small number of Club Members have been spreading some very malicious, gossipy and totally fake rumors claiming the Club Charter is going to be rewritten to create fixed leadership terms and allow for future Leader Elections. I personally want to make it very, VERY clear that this is 100% FAKE NEWS. Your Committee will not be discussing any changes to the Committee’s structure at all. At any point. Ever. Period.

Under-13s YC — a brief update on the amazing traction we’re seeing for our ‘Horizon Newborn’ under-13s YC which continues to deliver major wins for BH&FA by onboarding all your siblings from the moment of birth to get them prepped & primed for life in the excitingly breakneck ‘fast-lane’ here on the 13+ campus (NB: Under-13 Memberships are automatically migrated to a full BH&FA YC Membership on your siblings’ thirteenth birthday; but remember, it’s your responsibility to let them know that if they want to collect any cuddly toys or other mementos they’ve accidentally left at the under-13s campus they will have to come here and sign the Membership form to release them from our Cryogenic Cold Storage Unit — where you should warn them they will otherwise languish for all eternity.) The committee is currently discussing whether to turn some of the old Woodside Heights YC campus into an Under-13s soft play foam-axe room. Alternatively we might turn it into a child-friendly sand & gravel mine. tbc

‘Odd’ sponsor message content — just a quick note on this last line item but we are aware of a few Members — and in fact the heads of some other Youth Clubs — raising concerns about things they’ve seen in our Sponsor Messages. We’re really not at sure what the issue/s of concern might be but we’re 100% sure that the notion of there being any problem at all with any of the stuff Our Sponsors are paying us to tell you is, like, a _totally_crazy_idea_. So, respectfully, we suggest you drop it. (NB: Also if you want to be able to keep swimming in the Club Money Pool you need to stop asking awkward stuff or we might have to close the pool to non-Committee Members.)

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Hard Issue of the day :/

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Trouble With A Member

Sheryl making her really scary face (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

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I know we’re almost out of time for this week’s newsletter but — following on from the note about ‘Member Behavior’ — I wanted to take a short moment to remind all Members of the Club’s foundational commitment to freedom of expression at all costs.

Kids, if your reading level is strong enough you will understand that “at all costs” means there is actually a cost (but don’t worry, we’re not going to start charging you Membership fees!!! it’s not that kind of really bad cost) to the freedoms we enjoy here on campus. And, well, sometimes that cost means being forced to be bullied in public by an angry mob or having to know that some Members are going around campus telling others that your cherished siblings were in fact just a figment of your imagination and the tragic death they suffered at the hands of a gun-touting maniac is just your totally delusional fancy. Yep, life really can be that shitty sometimes! We’re not gonna lie to you!

Regretfully, this ‘cost’ also means that members of Our Community who are Jewish may well also hear some pretty random and totally untrue stuff being spread about their community on campus. Like that time one of our Member Societies put on an ‘alternative’ WWII fictional reconstruction in the theatre. Now Your Committee doesn’t for a moment believe that anyone on campus could have viewed this work as anything other than the piece of avant garde theatre it very obviously was (IMHO). (I mean, maybe a few Members thought it was an historically accurate reconstruction but really it’s the job of the rest of you kids to make fun of anyone crazy enough to believe such stupid stuff!!!) We sure don’t believe that kind of absolute crap. But, nonetheless, we’re 100% comfortable with our decision to operate an entirely open-door Membership Policy because Your TLB is entirely incapable of discriminating. I mean, if we did, where on Earth would it end?!? So even if a Member of Our Community happens to be a renowned fantasist with a record of shouting FIRE in theaters, or even a paid up member of a neo-nazi group which routinely denies historically verified episodes of ethnic cleansing, that’s totally not our problem — it’s theirs! We just provide the world’s over-13s with a soapbox to express their unvarnished selves, globally. What Members choose to do with the tools we provide to help them get their message out there is obviously none of our business!! (Although it is literally BH&FA YC’s business but how else would we fund the platform in the first place?!)

In any case, fact-checking is for qualified professionals who probably work for newspapers. And we are totally not that at all!!! [Edit note from Adam: Are there any newspapers left? Didn’t the Tribune close when you made the Newsletter a daily?] (Supplementary note from Boztank: Remember kids, Mark himself is Jewish. So if he can suck up Holocaust denial, so can you! As my grandpops used to say: ‘If a piece of baloney hasn’t blown your face off you’re winning because you’re not dead yet so stop whining ya cream-faced loon!’)

Last word from Mark: As Boztank has been saying for, like, almost before some of you were born, speech that is “distasteful and ignorant” is nothing to be worried about so long as you kids are totally prepared to just laugh it off (NB: We might use laughing gas for this too — see the Newsletter endnote for more on what we’re cooking up in the Innovation Labs). And, well, frankly speaking, a lot more people really need to grow up and learn that maniacs spouting total rubbish are just an unfortunate distraction from great Sponsor Message content. In any case, fact-checking is expensive — far too expensive for the Club Treasurer’s tastes!!

So, to wrap up, Your Committee wants to make it totally plain we’re 110% here to entertain your behavior — unruly, unreasonable or just plain stupid! Whatever the f— you like! (Just plank safely, eh! There have been a number of deaths related to selfie challenges lately and we’d really prefer you enjoy rather than kill yourselves!!!) And while we may not always be 100% comfortable about the views you’re espousing on campus, or via Club equipment (NB: We have another shipment of 200M Wi-Fi enabled megaphones arriving Wednesday so get gargling!!), we want all Members to know we’re fully behind you being a totally offensive f—. Period.

(Actually, if you or your parents bothered to read the small print that’s literally what our Founding Charter says. In any case, like Sheryl says, there’s no way Our Community would keep growing like the weed it has if we hadn’t let in any shitty idea that wants to crawl in off the street and set up a stink, crawl in off the street and set up a stink. She also says that BH&FA YC is like a compost heap: All shits are 100% welcome here. And: If it stinks, the Club Treasurer winks!!)

All we ask is that you kids play nice together. Because, regretfully, the bill for Clubhouse security staff has been rising alarmingly over the past several months — as more bouncers have been needed around campus to break up several pretty serious brawls. And, well, we have already stuffed the Newsletter to bursting with Sponsor Messages. So we do have some concerns about the depth of the Club Money Pool, going forward. We’ll be bringing you a more fulsome update on Club Finances in a future Newsletter (tbc — Wehner).

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One more thing!

Exciting Announcement… of a beta test to a Clubhouse Rule change!

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FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes! Shouting fire in the cinema is now provisionally acceptable!!!

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We wanted to end the Newsletter with a bit of good news, so the TLB has decided to beta test letting Members yell “fire” or even “bomb” during screenings in the cinema. Or actually anything you fancy (why not get creative — like, by yelling ‘argh! alien facehugger squirting acid on my eyeballs!!!’).

Why? Because the TLB has decided that having a space where Members’ speech is constrained — even as a narrow health & safety precaution — was just FAR too risky for Community cohesion. So we’re removing it and saying ya-boo-sucks to the consequences!

But don’t worry! We’re putting Community Safety first by taking precautions to keep all Members safe. (For example, we’ve covered all sharp edges in the cinema with foam padding to prevent anyone from being impaled during any panic-induced stampedes for the exit. But please remember there’s only one exit — so play safe kids! Definitely try not to crush each other to death!!! (NB: The Committee would like to take this opportunity to remind all Members that an ‘in the event of my death and/or horrific personal injury’ legal waiver was signed by all of you when you joined the Club so anyone with litigious parents should warn them not to get any ideas. (Yes, we know Colin is leaving but that’s not until after Thanksgiving.))

The Committee is also considering installing facial recognition technology in the cinema Wi-Fi-connected to laughing gas canisters which would be triggered in the event of anyone getting overly emotional in there. Our idea is that the gas could be automatically dispensed if any Members became hysterical, or, well, overly sad — thereby distracting people and preventing risky stampedes. (NB: This exciting Club innovation is still a work in progress but we’ll be sure to keep you updated on progress in future Newsletters. See our quasi-regular: ‘What’s Mark Cooking In The Lab’ section)

And that’s about all for today kids! Feel free to unstrap from your Oculus for now (for those of you special early adopters out there!) — and it’s adios amigos until tomorrow, when we’ll be right back in your face with more exciting BH&FA YC news!!!!

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Warning: Anyone caught leaking Club policies or information WILL HAVE THEIR MEMBERSHIP REVOKED AND BE BANNED FOR LIFE. Members contravening this rule will also be physically removed from campus (should they be here at the time) with zero opportunity to collect any personal belongings or say goodbye to any friends. Personal items will be piled in the yard and used as fuel for the next Club Cook-Out which will kick off with a competition to see which member can shout ‘Speak don’t leak!’ the loudest. One winner will be selected by Mark and given a bite of his prime brisket. Appeals are impossible.  

Photo: paylessimages/iStock

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Still here?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!

Additional really important information from the committee: Uhhhh, Alex just told me that the Committee room where we keep the PAM records, going back to ~2005, was left unlocked for, like, the past decade(ish). A quick review of our CCTV records appears to show a small army of unknown persons coming and going pretty steadily over the years. It looks like these complete strangers were systematically helping themselves to PAM stored in the Club register. Some of these non-members appeared to have used the same Clubhouse parking lot as our ~3,000 regular campus data partners — arriving in vans painted with names like ‘N.Y. Data uLike UnLtd’ and ‘Other Peoples’ info 4 you Inc.’ — perhaps seeking to blend in beside the totally reputable businesses we’ve been sharing all your information with for, like, ever, in order to undertake their totally nefarious theft of your PAM. So we’re really sorry about that! Sheesh! If it helps Sheryl was super mad with us and didn’t speak to us for, like, a week after she found out :o( Anyway it’s totally fine now because we have put an actual lock on the door. Phew! (NB: Anyone wondering if they can claim competition for the Committee’s total failure to protect your privacy should refer to the Compensation Claims Waiver Clause in the Club Charter which everyone signed by default when they joined (by clicking a button saying ‘yes I want to collect my free Brisket hamburger! & register for Club Membership! & I’m super happy to let Mark be totally responsible for all my data’). Feel free to ring Colin for a cry if you like. Thanks! – Your MZ) 

© BH&FA YC MZ: Winners don’t leak — they speak!

via TechCrunch

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Belle Haven & Friendly Acres Over 13s Youth Club Newsletter

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Hey KIDS!

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Exciting News!

First up: Exciting news! We’re going to be migrating the Club Newsletter to a new format from next month that will be delivered in person! In virtual reality! This means you’ll be able to feel like I’m sitting right next to you saying this stuff right in your face instead of just passively reading it off a screen and maybe getting distracted by other less important stuff. Myself and your Totally Lost Boys (TLB) Club Committee are so excited that we can bring you this amazing experience before any other Youth Club in the world! #awesome

Here’s a taster from a VR trip I took recently to check out the totally awful devastation in Puerto Rico:

Now you’re probably asking how can we bring this exciting new technology to your friendly neighborhood Youth Club, right?! I’m pleased to say that the 2,500% increase in Newsletter Sponsor Messages over the past ~two months has really helped bulk up the Club Money Pool. Rest assured, we’re ploughing all these revenues into product development to continue to make BH&FA YC the most innovative Youth Club on Planet Earth!

Of course we don’t want the Club to fall behind Lindenwood or Farm Hills YC either, which — as we’ve told you in recent Newsletters — have been busy developing ‘innovative’ newsletter solutions of their own. (I say ‘innovative’ but we all know the YC of MZ Yours Truly is the real innovator around these hills!!) But — and it’s a BIG ONE kids! — if the Club Committee were to allow another club to get ahead of BH&FA (brisket forbid!!!), say by offering better Member facilities, then we’d risk Membership declining — instead of benefiting from the continued year-on-year growth that _we_all_enjoy_. It would also mean less money for the Club Treasurer to spend on buying up neighborhood housing to knock down in order to expand the size of the Clubhouse and keep you all entertained right here on campus! And you really don’t want to be bored do you?! (NB: The date for opening the infinity pool waterpark is still tbc. We found a leak on several floors and given there’s a risk of electrical fire death if we get this wrong it’s taking a little longer than hoped.)

Of course the impending mandatory migration to VR Newsletters also means we’ll be able to bring you more immersive Newsletter Sponsor Messages in future! YAY! Which will be great for the Club Money Pool too. So double YAY!

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Of course we know that not everyone in Our Community has had a chance to purchase our great Oculus Rift VR headset yet :( Only 0.3% of you have done so! :((( Even though we’ve made sure to tell you all about how great it is for, like, the past several years. (You’ll remember we also ran VR Summer Club Camp last year in Black Chasm Cave. However attendance averaged <1% — and there was that unfortunate incident with the toxic frog — so your Club Committee knows it has a lot more work to do!). So, after a long talk at our last #awesome TLB Brisket Cook-OutMZ I’m really excited to announce an amazing Discount for Club Members that have shown the most dedication to Our Community over the years! This means all of you will very soon enjoy the benefits of Oculus VR! Zero excuses!

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(NB: If you’re wondering how exactly we’ll be calculating personalized Oculus discounts we can tell you it involves a proprietary formula that Your Club Committee developed based on your lifelong Participation & Attendance Metrics (PAM). We can’t say too much, in case the formula were to be maliciously leaked to Lindenwood — or even, brisket forbid! Staumbaugh Heller!!! — (NBNB: For a reminder about penalties for leaking proprietary Club Information see the base of this newsletter; but, tl;dr, don’t do it!!! Remember the Club Motto: ‘Speak Don’t leak!’).

What we CAN tell you is we’ve been busy number-crunching PAM for the past several years, and those Club Members who have shown not just a consistent commitment to Our Community (which is mandatory) but who have shared their increasing enthusiasm for the Club Program (which Your TLB obviously works 24/7 to bring you!) will be given the biggest discounts — of up to 6.8%! Everyone else will get a smaller discount (based on your unique PAM-based relationship with the Club Program). So basically you only have yourselves to blame if you get offered a discount of sub-0.5%. (And don’t forget we’ll be sharing PAM scores with parents/guardians at the upcoming mandatory BH&FA Club Regulations Awareness Program.)

As you know, Membership of the Club is dependent upon reading Our Newsletter — which includes all Our Sponsor Messages. (Our Sponsors wouldn’t pay us if you didn’t read their messages now would they!?!) So unfortunately Your Club Committee is prepared to say goodbye to any Members who aren’t able to access the Newsletter in future. (NB: Saying you don’t have a VR headset will absolutely not be an acceptable excuse!!! We are, however, open to suggestions for expanding cross-platform support if Members have already bought other VR headsets. (Although we might question your loyalty to BH&FA YC if you do that!!! ;)))

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Your Awesome TLB Club Committee Update!

So what’s on the boys’ discussion agenda this week Mark!?!

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Mmmmmm! Just getting ready for some more crispy brisket!

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Okay, time for the customary run down of Important Issues Your TLB is really busy managing around the BBQ while you guys kick back and do wtf you like on campus… Mmm brisket! #Brisket #CookOut #Meat #Mmmm

Participation & Engagement Metrics — as you should really know by now Your Committee’s ‘prime directive’ is 100% attendance & program engagement at all times! PAM! PAM! So frankly you guys are always a total disappointment :( BUT! — this week Boztank said he’s going to bring some of his special Ideas Envelopes for us to push around while we’re BBQing brisket — so consider yourselves totally warned!!!! PAM! PAM!

Takeover of Woodside Heights YC — yes we are still finalizing our takeover of Woodside Heights. But we now expect members to be migrated to BH&FA by 06:00 on Saturday 4 at the very latest. Issues we have encountered with the migration include some outgoing Woodside members objecting to the razing of their Clubhouse and the mandatory requirement to travel to BH&FA’s campus because it’s so much further away from where they live and their moms and pops are at work so can’t always taxi them over. However we have pointed out that the facilities we offer here are by far superior. Sheryl has been working super hard (including on Saturdays) to get the message to Woodside parents that their kids will absolutely have the best development opportunities at BH&FA. To ease the transition we have also decided to offer Uber coupons (valid: Tuesday afternoons, for two weeks of August) and some pretty substantial Oculus discounts — although both are provisional on the new recruits completing a Club Reorientation Attendance Probation period of no less than 180 months (achieving weekly PAM average of 95.8%). (So if you hear them say ‘Oh CRAP’ you’ll know why.) We’ll be discussing ideas for hazing the newbs in a forthcoming Newsletter. So stay tuned! And get ready to burn all that Woodside Heights smoke out of em!!!

Parental Concern — unfortunately we have been informed that a few responsible adults have been expressing concern over what Members might have been exposed to via the Club Program. We are investigating to determine whether there are any identifiable issues of concern, and so far have compiled a list of about ~2,500,000 items for possible follow-up — including reports of screenings of human beheadings in the cinema; animal torture in the yard; misogynistic graffiti all over the place; human trafficking; and even bomb-making classes and/or fascist memorabilia being distributed by a small number of members (!!!). While some of this stuff does sound kind of alarming, in truth we’re generally pretty stoked about the rich diversity of expression that’s evidently thriving within Our Community. Although we are still investigating to determine whether there are any specific issues we need to follow up on — like, in case we need to add an additional rule to our strict ‘Zero Nudity (no, not even fine art or war reportage nudes you sick f—)’ Club Policy. We’ll keep you posted if we decide to amend the Charter. But for now we just ask that you carry on being your richly expressive selves. (As we like to say on the Committee: ‘If you feel it, f—ing say it!!!!’)

Member Behavior — it has also come to our attention that a small number of Members have been getting increasingly loud and disruptive on campus. However, in the BH&FA YC Founding Charter, we do make it very clear that any attempts to curtail or moderate freedom of expression will _not_be _at_all_ tolerated_. We therefore want to reassure all Club Members that when you are here, under our watchful care, you can say anything at all you want to anyone you fancy — no matter how horribly wrong or hurtful it might be. (As the TLB like to say at the start of a Cook-Out when we’re fighting over whose turn it is to poke the fire: ‘Sticks & stones will break your bones but names can never hurt you!’). That said, we have noticed an uptick in some very nasty name calling; blatantly false and/or ridiculous rumors (no, my parents were not lizards!!!); and people trying to start *actual* fights and/or fires during Club Events. One particularly unruly member — who shall remain nameless (but rest assured We Know Who You Are!!! NB: We discuss this person’s behavior in more detail below, in our Newsletter ‘Hard Issue of The Day’ — and who, let it be known, we also know has a record of threatening behavior outside the Club (because Sheryl read about it in the Menlo Park Tribune)), has been passing off some very ‘creative fictions’ on campus — we suspect as a sort of post-modern art project. But still, we’re keeping an eye out. For example, Adam says he’s seen instances of this person telling others in Our Community that Members’ dead relations didn’t really exist at all, and, furthermore, that corpses laid out in the morgue were just so-called ‘crisis actors’ paid by kids’ parents to pretend to like them. While we’re admittedly impressed with the avant-garde creativity of this particular Member, we recognize that they have also been saying a lot of other absolute tosh — like that flu shots give you cancer or make you gay or turn you into a toxic frog. And that President Trump is the literal lovechild of a Republican Senator (who we’re not naming for libel reasons) and the Angel Gabriel. Like, frankly speaking, we’ve lost track of the amount of garbage this particular Member has been spouting but that’s 100% okay because keeping track of how Members freely expressing themselves is totally not our job at all. We’re just here to make sure the BH&FA campus is massive enough to house all the billions of Members that now make up our richly diverse Community — which also means making sure Our Club Charter enshrines an absolute right to be an utter f— to anyone you please. Kids, we really can’t start cherry picking or where would it end?! The bottom line is that here at BH&FA YC, Your Committee is proud to preside over a marketplace of brainfarts of every possible flavor, toxic or otherwise. So we would like to take this opportunity to remind Members about our very firm *non-discrimination policy* — of welcoming absolutely anyone as a Member, no matter how disgusting your personal views. (And, sheesh, you kids really do have some pretty icky stuff on your mind sometimes!!!) Your Committee would also like to suggest all Members reread Boztank’s 2009 addendum to the Club Charter (entitled: ‘Why you kids need to learn to suck it up’). The TLBs never let anything as non-formulaic as emotional distress get in the way of the campus expansion roadmap. After all, we’ve got a mission to bring the benefits of BH&FA to every person (*13 years or older*) ON THE PLANET! (Shoot for 100% or kill everyone trying!!! — as we like to joke around the BBQ! Or as Boztank’s knuckle tattoo actually reads: ‘We grow PAM, period.’ So, as ever, eyes on the bigger prize, kids.)

Brisket cook out! — yes! It’s back by popular demand! This time I will personally be bringing a small herd of live Dexter cows on campus and everyone will watch while I tear them apart with my bare hands. Chunks of brisket will be distributed according to the standard Club Formula and each Member will be responsible for cooking their own chunk (or not!). But please no squabbling over the meat!!! And definitely no pushing! You can shout insults at each other in the hopes of being able to distract another Member and grab yourself a tastier chunk but do please keep acts of physical aggression *off campus*. It’s a waste of energy anyways as everyone will definitely get some brisket, even if not everyone can get the delicious deep pectoral I will personally be chowing down on. (It is, however, inevitable that some members will have to wait longer than others to get some meat. But given Our Community is now 2.5BN Members strong & counting! — suck that up Staumbaugh Heller!!! >:-) — we absolutely must have a formula to manage the distribution of the Club Program, fair or otherwise. NB: Having a formula is the important bit, kids. As your parents should tell you, that’s called ‘Leadership’.)

Proposal to livestream the urinals — as part of our ‘Next-Gen YC 2.0 Moving Fwd Brainfart Sessions 2018 Summer Season Sponsored by Y Combinator’ Boztank suggested the (IMO) pretty wild idea of putting a livestreaming unit in the urinals (!) — pointing down at the pee stream. He thinks it could be a good idea to collect yet another data-point on top of the ~hundreds of thousands we already record per Member for some interesting new engagement metric that we haven’t bothered to think of yet. We’ll let you know at least a day in advance if we decide to move forward with this plan. (NB: We’re still discussing whether it’s a good idea to livestream the girls’ toilets. Or we might just unilaterally replace all Club loos with unisex urinals. tbc). tbh the urinal idea was a lot better than Boz’s other suggestion which was a livestreamed ‘loudest fart’ competition. We might revisit that next fall, for our next Camp Cook-Out

Committee ‘Diversity’ — we are aware that some Members are continuing to complain about the lack of so-called ‘diversity’ on the TLB Committee. However we would point out we are a truly open-minded bunch of — yes, okay, sure, whatevs — entirely white guys but who are nonetheless willing to entertain the wild and crazy notion that there’s no box at all to think inside of. So, frankly, we don’t understand what your problem is. Also we’re not *all* guys — that’s what Sheryl’s here for

‘Leadership elections’ — it has also come to our attention that a very small number of Club Members have been spreading some very malicious, gossipy and totally fake rumors claiming the Club Charter is going to be rewritten to create fixed leadership terms and allow for future Leader Elections. I personally want to make it very, VERY clear that this is 100% FAKE NEWS. Your Committee will not be discussing any changes to the Committee’s structure at all. At any point. Ever. Period.

Under-13s YC — a brief update on the amazing traction we’re seeing for our ‘Horizon Newborn’ under-13s YC which continues to deliver major wins for BH&FA by onboarding all your siblings from the moment of birth to get them prepped & primed for life in the excitingly breakneck ‘fast-lane’ here on the 13+ campus (NB: Under-13 Memberships are automatically migrated to a full BH&FA YC Membership on your siblings’ thirteenth birthday; but remember, it’s your responsibility to let them know that if they want to collect any cuddly toys or other mementos they’ve accidentally left at the under-13s campus they will have to come here and sign the Membership form to release them from our Cryogenic Cold Storage Unit — where you should warn them they will otherwise languish for all eternity.) The committee is currently discussing whether to turn some of the old Woodside Heights YC campus into an Under-13s soft play foam-axe room. Alternatively we might turn it into a child-friendly sand & gravel mine. tbc

‘Odd’ sponsor message content — just a quick note on this last line item but we are aware of a few Members — and in fact the heads of some other Youth Clubs — raising concerns about things they’ve seen in our Sponsor Messages. We’re really not at sure what the issue/s of concern might be but we’re 100% sure that the notion of there being any problem at all with any of the stuff Our Sponsors are paying us to tell you is, like, a _totally_crazy_idea_. So, respectfully, we suggest you drop it. (NB: Also if you want to be able to keep swimming in the Club Money Pool you need to stop asking awkward stuff or we might have to close the pool to non-Committee Members.)

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Hard Issue of the day :/

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Trouble With A Member

Sheryl making her really scary face (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

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I know we’re almost out of time for this week’s newsletter but — following on from the note about ‘Member Behavior’ — I wanted to take a short moment to remind all Members of the Club’s foundational commitment to freedom of expression at all costs.

Kids, if your reading level is strong enough you will understand that “at all costs” means there is actually a cost (but don’t worry, we’re not going to start charging you Membership fees!!! it’s not that kind of really bad cost) to the freedoms we enjoy here on campus. And, well, sometimes that cost means being forced to be bullied in public by an angry mob or having to know that some Members are going around campus telling others that your cherished siblings were in fact just a figment of your imagination and the tragic death they suffered at the hands of a gun-touting maniac is just your totally delusional fancy. Yep, life really can be that shitty sometimes! We’re not gonna lie to you!

Regretfully, this ‘cost’ also means that members of Our Community who are Jewish may well also hear some pretty random and totally untrue stuff being spread about their community on campus. Like that time one of our Member Societies put on an ‘alternative’ WWII fictional reconstruction in the theatre. Now Your Committee doesn’t for a moment believe that anyone on campus could have viewed this work as anything other than the piece of avant garde theatre it very obviously was (IMHO). (I mean, maybe a few Members thought it was an historically accurate reconstruction but really it’s the job of the rest of you kids to make fun of anyone crazy enough to believe such stupid stuff!!!) We sure don’t believe that kind of absolute crap. But, nonetheless, we’re 100% comfortable with our decision to operate an entirely open-door Membership Policy because Your TLB is entirely incapable of discriminating. I mean, if we did, where on Earth would it end?!? So even if a Member of Our Community happens to be a renowned fantasist with a record of shouting FIRE in theaters, or even a paid up member of a neo-nazi group which routinely denies historically verified episodes of ethnic cleansing, that’s totally not our problem — it’s theirs! We just provide the world’s over-13s with a soapbox to express their unvarnished selves, globally. What Members choose to do with the tools we provide to help them get their message out there is obviously none of our business!! (Although it is literally BH&FA YC’s business but how else would we fund the platform in the first place?!)

In any case, fact-checking is for qualified professionals who probably work for newspapers. And we are totally not that at all!!! [Edit note from Adam: Are there any newspapers left? Didn’t the Tribune close when you made the Newsletter a daily?] (Supplementary note from Boztank: Remember kids, Mark himself is Jewish. So if he can suck up Holocaust denial, so can you! As my grandpops used to say: ‘If a piece of baloney hasn’t blown your face off you’re winning because you’re not dead yet so stop whining ya cream-faced loon!’)

Last word from Mark: As Boztank has been saying for, like, almost before some of you were born, speech that is “distasteful and ignorant” is nothing to be worried about so long as you kids are totally prepared to just laugh it off (NB: We might use laughing gas for this too — see the Newsletter endnote for more on what we’re cooking up in the Innovation Labs). And, well, frankly speaking, a lot more people really need to grow up and learn that maniacs spouting total rubbish are just an unfortunate distraction from great Sponsor Message content. In any case, fact-checking is expensive — far too expensive for the Club Treasurer’s tastes!!

So, to wrap up, Your Committee wants to make it totally plain we’re 110% here to entertain your behavior — unruly, unreasonable or just plain stupid! Whatever the f— you like! (Just plank safely, eh! There have been a number of deaths related to selfie challenges lately and we’d really prefer you enjoy rather than kill yourselves!!!) And while we may not always be 100% comfortable about the views you’re espousing on campus, or via Club equipment (NB: We have another shipment of 200M Wi-Fi enabled megaphones arriving Wednesday so get gargling!!), we want all Members to know we’re fully behind you being a totally offensive f—. Period.

(Actually, if you or your parents bothered to read the small print that’s literally what our Founding Charter says. In any case, like Sheryl says, there’s no way Our Community would keep growing like the weed it has if we hadn’t let in any shitty idea that wants to crawl in off the street and set up a stink, crawl in off the street and set up a stink. She also says that BH&FA YC is like a compost heap: All shits are 100% welcome here. And: If it stinks, the Club Treasurer winks!!)

All we ask is that you kids play nice together. Because, regretfully, the bill for Clubhouse security staff has been rising alarmingly over the past several months — as more bouncers have been needed around campus to break up several pretty serious brawls. And, well, we have already stuffed the Newsletter to bursting with Sponsor Messages. So we do have some concerns about the depth of the Club Money Pool, going forward. We’ll be bringing you a more fulsome update on Club Finances in a future Newsletter (tbc — Wehner).

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One more thing!

Exciting Announcement… of a beta test to a Clubhouse Rule change!

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FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes! Shouting fire in the cinema is now provisionally acceptable!!!

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We wanted to end the Newsletter with a bit of good news, so the TLB has decided to beta test letting Members yell “fire” or even “bomb” during screenings in the cinema. Or actually anything you fancy (why not get creative — like, by yelling ‘argh! alien facehugger squirting acid on my eyeballs!!!’).

Why? Because the TLB has decided that having a space where Members’ speech is constrained — even as a narrow health & safety precaution — was just FAR too risky for Community cohesion. So we’re removing it and saying ya-boo-sucks to the consequences!

But don’t worry! We’re putting Community Safety first by taking precautions to keep all Members safe. (For example, we’ve covered all sharp edges in the cinema with foam padding to prevent anyone from being impaled during any panic-induced stampedes for the exit. But please remember there’s only one exit — so play safe kids! Definitely try not to crush each other to death!!! (NB: The Committee would like to take this opportunity to remind all Members that an ‘in the event of my death and/or horrific personal injury’ legal waiver was signed by all of you when you joined the Club so anyone with litigious parents should warn them not to get any ideas. (Yes, we know Colin is leaving but that’s not until after Thanksgiving.))

The Committee is also considering installing facial recognition technology in the cinema Wi-Fi-connected to laughing gas canisters which would be triggered in the event of anyone getting overly emotional in there. Our idea is that the gas could be automatically dispensed if any Members became hysterical, or, well, overly sad — thereby distracting people and preventing risky stampedes. (NB: This exciting Club innovation is still a work in progress but we’ll be sure to keep you updated on progress in future Newsletters. See our quasi-regular: ‘What’s Mark Cooking In The Lab’ section)

And that’s about all for today kids! Feel free to unstrap from your Oculus for now (for those of you special early adopters out there!) — and it’s adios amigos until tomorrow, when we’ll be right back in your face with more exciting BH&FA YC news!!!!

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Warning: Anyone caught leaking Club policies or information WILL HAVE THEIR MEMBERSHIP REVOKED AND BE BANNED FOR LIFE. Members contravening this rule will also be physically removed from campus (should they be here at the time) with zero opportunity to collect any personal belongings or say goodbye to any friends. Personal items will be piled in the yard and used as fuel for the next Club Cook-Out which will kick off with a competition to see which member can shout ‘Speak don’t leak!’ the loudest. One winner will be selected by Mark and given a bite of his prime brisket. Appeals are impossible.  

Photo: paylessimages/iStock

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Still here?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!

Additional really important information from the committee: Uhhhh, Alex just told me that the Committee room where we keep the PAM records, going back to ~2005, was left unlocked for, like, the past decade(ish). A quick review of our CCTV records appears to show a small army of unknown persons coming and going pretty steadily over the years. It looks like these complete strangers were systematically helping themselves to PAM stored in the Club register. Some of these non-members appeared to have used the same Clubhouse parking lot as our ~3,000 regular campus data partners — arriving in vans painted with names like ‘N.Y. Data uLike UnLtd’ and ‘Other Peoples’ info 4 you Inc.’ — perhaps seeking to blend in beside the totally reputable businesses we’ve been sharing all your information with for, like, ever, in order to undertake their totally nefarious theft of your PAM. So we’re really sorry about that! Sheesh! If it helps Sheryl was super mad with us and didn’t speak to us for, like, a week after she found out :o( Anyway it’s totally fine now because we have put an actual lock on the door. Phew! (NB: Anyone wondering if they can claim competition for the Committee’s total failure to protect your privacy should refer to the Compensation Claims Waiver Clause in the Club Charter which everyone signed by default when they joined (by clicking a button saying ‘yes I want to collect my free Brisket hamburger! & register for Club Membership! & I’m super happy to let Mark be totally responsible for all my data’). Feel free to ring Colin for a cry if you like. Thanks! – Your MZ) 

© BH&FA YC MZ: Winners don’t leak — they speak!

Via Natasha Lomas https://techcrunch.com