#i hope things work out with my crush and his partner like genuinely. im insanely jealous but i will fight this jealousy by supporting them.

[valpuduzz]

my crush is so cute and so lovable i missed talking to him TOO BAD HE'S TAKEN❗❗❗❗❗❗❗

[keiscait]

hey, may i please request a bedroom matchup LOL 😏

she/her, bisexual (men over women (unless it's a big tittie goth gf)

sagittarius sun and virgo rising

ravenclaw 😏

sexual: i like being the top. call me mommy LOL. i also like being topped, i have a major knife kink 😏 im in charge most of the time, however it can change every now and then. when i'm the bottom i want my partner to spit in my mouth 🧎‍♀️ neck and ear bites plz 😏 i'm very vocal 👹👹

things i look for in a partner:

-LOYALTY!!1!1!2!2'

-has to have a good sense of humor

-chill

-very understanding

personality: i'm very outgoing and friendly to most people, but i keep my friend group small. i'm the loud friend of the group and i'm always trying my best to make my friends laugh. i say really weird things at the most random times and i often look really high so people think i'm on something. i'm a good leader though and take charge in the three sports i'm in. (i'm varsity captain in one of my sports!!)

appearance:

plans for future: i'm currently a senior in high school and i plan on going into the national guard or air force when i graduate :). the military will pay for college and i plan on either going into the criminal justice field or information technology field :p

music taste: literally everything except for country. you can catch me listening to dr dre, schoolboy q, blackstreet, and kendrick lamar one minute and then queen the next. i also love my female rap artists 👏👏 90s rock and rnb are also a must. i listen to 00's club music on a regular 😏

Hello and welcome, my dearest Bri! AND ADVANCED HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Wish I could bake you a cake, but all I can do is send some love (੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* Let’s get right to it then! ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

Look who we have here, hon!

Suna Rintarou! (Runner up: Kageyama Tobio)

Suna here has a really cold and icy demeanor, which I think has to be balanced out by outgoing people (like the Miya twins). He likes to act like this dark and brooding person, but deep down, he’s actually just a little gremlin like most of us. 

- Okay okay, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I already know that you’re a Suna stan, but I genuinely could not think of anybody who matches your personality description better, the two of you would just be *aggressive chefs kiss*

- I’m kinda getting an enemies-to-lovers-ish vibe with this dynamic, but also like a partners-in-crime-to-lovers type of deal. Either way, it’ll start out a little bit chaotic

- Has a crush on you immediately, I just KNOW it, but he won’t realize this until later on, and may even totally deny it to himself

- He doesn’t really know when exactly he starts catching feelings for you, but the realization probably hits him when he sees you going about your daily activities

- You could be doing any of your extra curriculars - basketball, track, or marching band - and he sees how much you enjoy it, or maybe even after you just said one of your random thoughts. Whatever makes him feel like he’s getting to know you a little bit better

- it’s when you laugh right after, and suddenly he feels like he’s just been spiked a ball in the face, and he just audibly goes “ah shit.”

- Has no fucking clue what to do at first KDHFKSJHL someone pls help him!!!

- He ends up being a little awkward when he tries to do anything about it, and it’ll all just feel so unnatural HAHAH

- “Let me carry your bag” “No Rin it’s fine I can--” *pries your bag from your hands with way too much force*

- in his mind he’s like “Ah yes that went perfectly 😌”

- he tries to communicate his feelings in little ways like this, hoping you’ll catch on

- No, Suna Rintarou, poking fun at someone is not a declaration of love, but nice try!

- he’ll get so frustrated if you don’t catch on (or maybe you do, and you just want him to say something first), and eventually will straight up yell tell you how he feels

- once you two are together, he’ll still try to act he’ll try to keep up his icy exterior, but trust me, he’s completely whipped for you

- SHARED PLAYLISTS!!!!

- Appreciates that you keep your friend group small, because at the end of the day, he’s still a pretty reserved guy

- Admires your leadership qualities, and will not be insecure and toxic about it, despite what other people believe. He honestly wishes he could be more like you, in that sense

- He’ll be your # 1 fan in everything you do. Will support whatever it is that you want to achieve, and will cut any bitch who tries to get in your way

- boy is in LOOOOOVE

- If he ever gets mad or annoyed at you, just give him the smallest peck on his cheek, and he’ll be all putty in your hands again

- Likewise, I think he’d be so good at making you blush too. It’s not all the time that he does this, but when he does, it’s 1000000% effective

- A FRICKING TEASE SKJDHFDSJFGLSGJ CHANGE MY MIND

- Honestly I love this dynamic so much that I wanna make him your bedroom matchup too, but I feel like that would be a cop out 

~

You were exhausted.

It was never easy juggling all the activities that you took part in - each of them was truly a labor of love. Today was particularly draining because it was, after all, your birthday, and it just HAD TO fall on a weekday. You plonked on your bed and started scrolling through your phone.

Your tight-knit group of friends continued to send you birthday wishes, despite having already done so when you saw them earlier that day. They had sung to you and let you blow out a birthday candle - it was all they could do, given your busy schedules. You looked forward to the weekend you had planned with them and your boyfriend, Rintarou.

Speaking of Rin, you thought to yourself, as a message notification from him popped up.

- You’re already home, right?

- Yeah! Just got here. So tired

- That’s too bad. I was gonna ask you to open the door for me but I guess I’ll just go home

You ran to your front door faster than you expected you could manage, and there stood Suna, a balloon and a box of pizza in hand. He pretended to walk away slowly, making you giggle before you grabbed him and dragged him inside.

He pressed a soft kiss to your temple. “Happy birthday, babe.”

You were giddy, not expecting him to show up. “I thought we were gonna wait til the weekend for my celebration??” 

“Do you not know me by now?” he chuckled. “As if I’d let today pass without doing anything about it.”

You smiled and looked at him for a few seconds. He rarely looks so sincere, and so warm, and you just wanted to drink up every last drop of this moment.

He teased, “But y’know, I guess if you’re too tired, I can totally scarf down this pizza by myself.”

You groaned before dragging him to your room and setting up the playlist you guys worked on together, getting ready for a night in.

~

I hope that was alright, bb! Let’s make our way to the bedroom now ٩(◕‿◕｡)۶

For some private time, I’ve invited over...

Oikawa Tooru! (Runner up: Suna Rintarou)

Despite how other people believe he’s a dom, I think he’d be a switch, at best. I think in the bedroom, he’d love to let his partner take control, just as much as loves having his way with them.

- What really gets this fucker going is pleasing people - and who would he love to please more than his s/o?

- He loves how your confidence translates into your bedroom behavior

- I headcanon that he easily falls apart in bed, and would gladly do so for his partner 

- He is s e n s i t i v e. Touch him, kiss him, grab him EVERYWHERE

- LOUD, but a lot of it is trying to get his partner to be even louder

- How does this man have both a praise kink and a degradation kink? Idk but I’m so sure he has both

- Would be totally onboard with your knife kink. He’s super into sensory play

- Speaking of which

- BLINDFOLD HIMMMM SKDJHFSDJFK THAT WOULD BE A SIGHT TO BEHOLD

- Once you ask him to take charge, I think he would still be a service dom

- Knows all your sensitive spots. Made sure to take note of them so that he can get you back for all the times you hit his sweet spots

- Loves mouth stuff. His mouth. Your mouth. Putting stuff in them. Tongue stuff. Loves all of it

- Great at aftercare, just a bit flashy with it. Kind of makes a show of what he’s doing but in the most adorable way

- Delicate with how he handles you after. Or if you’re the one giving him aftercare, would praise you the whole time

- Will hold you til you fall asleep 🥺

~

As a little extra gift, I wanted to give you a dressing room matchup too! 

I think your gorgeous face would look SO GOOD with...

Miya Atsumu! WHAT AN INSANELY GOOD LOOKING COUPLE YOU WOULD MAKE

~

That’s it for now, darling! I hope that was worth all the waiting you did. Thank you for being such a wonderful housemate - don’t hesitate to chat with me anytime. Advanced happy birthday again! (੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭*

Thanks for stopping by! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ*: ･ﾟ

[sup4l3e]

I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

[indiegem]

junhui + your birthday

So my lovely gem @sassocrates wrote me a thing for my birthday. it’S BEEN LIKE THREE DAYS AND I’M STILL SOBBING IT’S JUST SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF WRITING AND I LITERALLY DON’T DESERVE OLLIE. 

it’s just been chilling in my inbox so i asked her if i could post her submission and she said yes so now everyone who reads this can suffer along with me and drown in fluffy feels. thANKS AGAIN FRIEND I JUST ASDFHJKL; BLESS.

@sassocrates:“so here’s a Thing. I hope you like it friend! Happy birthday!

so Jun is planning stuff for your birthday

and he’s freaking out about it a LOT

like, really freaking out

and he was hanging with Josh and Minghao, and he was STILL freaking out about Getting Things Right

to the point where Minghao is like “dude are you all good”

and he’s like “yeah I just want it to be really great, you know? because she deserves it and i’m scared that i’m going to be a let down and she doesn’t like”

and Josh and Minghao share this knowing look

and Jun’s like “what. what was that about”

“oh nothing”

there’s a silence

and Jun’s like “…what’s going on”

“nothing, nothing!”

“what are you thinking”

and he glares at them until josh breaks and he’s like

“I’M SORRY we were just wondering if you were gonna say anything to her”

Jun frowns in genuine confusion like “what do you mean?”

and josh is all like “well. You know. About liking her”

“what”

“what”

everyone is quiet

And then Minghao’s like “so. Do you like her?”

and Jun’s like “pft no we’re just good friends”

and Minghao’s like “yeah right”

Jun is Offended he’s like eXCUSE ME what are you implying

“I’m just saying… like. You’re so stressed about this, you know?”

“i… just want my friend to have a good birthday?”

and Josh is like “not to be that guy but like… you’ve been really enthusiastic about this. like you’re doing all this special stuff. Like. flowers. a nice restaurant. the sort of stuff that, if I were her, i’d think it was a date.”

“it’s not a date”

another knowing look

“sTOP DOING THAT”

Josh and minghao are like “oh sorry sorry  it’s just. So obvious dude.”

and jun is having an existential crisis like !?!?!?!!?!?!?!

so he goes home afterwards and he’s sitting there trying to write your card

and he’s like??? blanking??? or not blanking

it’s just that when he writes anything down it just sounds s o o o cheesy

like he’s cringing at himself

and he’s like “why am i like this???”

“maybe… maybe they’re right? no, no, no, i’m just… there’s a lot of feelings i need to express, you know? not those types of feelings, just… totally platonic ones…”

even though he manages to convince himself it’s Just A Lot Of Platonic Feelings, he still knows there’s something off about it bc. he’s Jun. he’s always so affirming with his loved ones

but now he had to write a letter to you and he’s??? nervous??

and he’s like wHY so he decides to just write something down without thinking about it or looking at it and then he’s like iM GOING TO BED

so it’s the next day and Jun is waiting for you outside your house and he’s like. Really nervous

he’s gotten dressed up and he’s like “what if she thinks I’m ugly what if she thinks I look like a Fool”

and then he’s like “… maybe Josh and Minghao are right…” but he’s like “nO that’s insane she’s just my friend we’ve been friends for aaaages I’m being silly i worked it out last night”

but then

bUT THEN

he sees you come out of her house and you’re dressed up and he’s like

‘mY HEART"

and like he’s just standing there with the flowers and he’s floored and he’s like I cANT BREATHE

“well shit looks like I do have a crush on her”

ao he’s trying to process all of this but then you smile at him and he like. He literally Dies. He can’t take it

so he doesn’t even wish you a happy birthday he just sort of shoves the flowers forward like “hERE”

and you’re like !!!!!!!!!! bc they’re your favourite flowers and you’re like tHANK YOU SM

and he’s sweating he’s so nervous bc he’s like. Still processing the Truth and he’s like. “all my behaviour. All my feelings. They make sense now”

and you’re talking to him about something and he’s like sHIT I WASN’T LISTENING 

so he just smiles at you handsomely and you start blushing bc he has such a nice, warm smile and he’s dressed up so nicely and it’s like? but you’re like no i can’t think about him like that it’s unfair on him

truth of the matter is that you’ve had a bit of a crush on him for a while now but like. you feel bad about it bc you guys are good friends 

so you’ve just tried to push it away but how can you when he looks so damn good? 

but you’ve become really good at hiding it so you’re just like “hey! i’ve missed you!” and you go in for a hug

and he’s still screaming internally but he hugs you and he’s thinks “i have NO idea how i’m going to survive today why did i do this”

so he gives you your flowers and your gift but he keeps the letter to himself bc he’s like No i will be Exposed

the two of you head off to the restaurant, which is Jun’s big treat for you

it’s one you’ve wanted to go to for a long time and it’s a bit on the expensive sid

and it’s like this lovely restaurant and the people there all look so classy and beautiful and jun can’t help but think that you fit in there

so the two of you are seated and you’re both really excited bc !!! this is a cool experience

and waitress is like “oh is this an anniversary dinner??”

and Jun freaks and he’s like “NO NO NO it’s a birthday”

and the waitress is like “oh it’s sweet that you’re treating your partner like this on their birthday”

and Jun is like !!?!?!!??? “we’re not.. We’re”

but the waitress is GONE and jun is just. A mess inside

he’s doing a pretty good job of keeping it together externally tho

and he’s like. Asking you questions and trying to make you laugh bc he thinks your smile is a genuine blessing

and he can’t help but think about how happy he is to be a part of your life and he’s just

so enamored

like it’s actually kind of embarrassing but you haven’t noticed yet so it’s fine 

and so he’s like oKAY here’s a letter i wrote you for your birthday sorry it’s trash i just. kind of banged it out in one go

and you’re like “oh thank you!”

and you think it’s just going to be one big Meme 

but you read it and it’s just so heartfelt? and you actually start tearing up because you weren’t expecting it to be this so genuine?

so you don’t really know what to do and you just say a really quiet thank you

and jun thinks you found it weird and he wants to disappear but tHANKFULLY your food comes and you two engross yourselves in that

you only really make polite conversation over dinner and you’re both very scared and confused

so when you’re walking home, you try and make some conversation with him but he’s just. out of it

and you’re kind of concerned because you were just blown away by his letter and you hadn’t known how to respond? 

so you’re just like i gotta know if he’s okay

and you ask him what’s wrong

and he’s like fUCK IT I GOTTA DEAL WITH THIS SOMEDAY ANYWAY

he turns and looks at you and he says “I think I’m in love with you”

you’re just like “what”

and he’s like “yeah”

and you’re like “I'm…”

and he’s like “yeah me too”

and the two of you fall silent bc of shock

and he’s like “I’m sorry… for being so forward… I was just thinking about our friendship and like… recently, I’ve been feeling a certain type of way and I was always like 'nah it’s nothing’ but it was definitely something like… I never used to be nervous around you but recently I’ve always been like… worried what you think of me… and being with you makes me really happy and i?? I just sort of ignored it bc it was easy but like… it’s the truth…”

and she’s silent for a few moments and jun is starting to freak out bc hE’S RUINED EVERYTHING

but then she says “you know what… it’s been the same for me”

“wait really”

“yea… like I was thinking abt you differently and I felt so bad bc I thought it was unfair on you so I just… suppressed my feelings and prayed they’d go away”

and he’s reeling bc. this is not what he thought would happen. he had braced himself for rejection 

he’s just so happy that he takes you in his arms and he presses a gentle kiss against your forehead

and it just feels so natural and so comfortable and you’re both like ????? why did it take us this long ?????

and you look up at him and you thank him sincerely for his letter and the two of you just sort of look into each others eyes and you realise you’re standing under a street lamp and it’s so cheesy but you don’t care 

he takes the plunge and he leans down and kisses you

and you’re like !!!!!!!!!!! but you kiss him back and melt into him

and he’s like why didn’t i do this sooner holy shit

and when you pull away you both just. can’t stop smiling and it’s the cutest thing ever okay

afterwards you’re just so blushy and shy and you hold hands while he walks you home

and when you get to your door he kisses you again and wishes you a happy birthday

and it’s officially the Best Birthday Ever because your gift was getting the best boyfriend in the world 

[vintageladylemondrop]

The Vanishing of Ladybug and Chat Noir- Chapter 3

Gah, life gets in the way of me writing this fic but I’m having fun writing it. I finally finished chapter 3 and hopefully I’ll get chapter 4 out sooner than later, so enjoy -VLLD

Here’s the link to the fic on Ao3 if you want to read it there instead.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/9251336/chapters/22432703

Chapter 3 - Revelations and Running

(Scene 1- Marinette’s POV)

She must have been going crazy. She and Adrien were sitting at her desk looking at the research they had collected for their report. Her crush was sitting right next to her, but that’s wasn’t why she felt like she was going crazy. What was wrong with her today! Hell what had been wrong with her all week! She couldn’t even focus on the opportunity in front of her.

She should be happy, She had been partnered with Adrien for a class assignment. She had to keep smiling or he would notice that something was wrong. Adrien had been talking to her all week, she had to take this opportunity, but why wasn’t she…why couldn’t she… It was too late he could see.

“Are you okay Marinette?” Adrien asked her. “Are you feeling sick?” She sure didn’t feel well, but she wasn’t Ill, just going insane in her own mind. She thought her brain was going to explode and then whatever remained of her was going to float away never to be seen again.

“Ya I’m alright, you just surprised me earlier, that’s all” she gave a small fake laugh. He turned away from her, and gave a small sigh.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to scare you…” She cut him off mid sentence. She didn’t want him to misunderstand her.

“No No, it’s not that… You just sounded like a friend of mine is all.” the tone in her voice deflated a little bit as she spoke. He got quiet and then they directed their attention to the assignment. They worked in silence, every minute that passed seemed more and more awkward… Had she messed up? Then Adrien’s voice rung in her ears

“Soooo, this friend of yours, what’s he like?” he asked. Well crud how was she gonna get out of that question! it’s not like she could tell him that this friend of hers was Chat Noir, because who would believe that, she would just sound crazy.She fabricated a lie as quickly as she could

“You wouldn’t know him, he moved away last year, and since you only started attending our school this year…” Her voice trailed off, she started to regret her lie.

“Oh too bad, sounds like my kind of a friend” he chided. At that moment Marinette started to realize something she hadn’t thought of before.

(Scene 2- Adrien’s POV)

“Where is the restroom?” He asked her. He and Marinette had been working on the assignment when she got really quiet he had tried to make her feel better, but the air between them seemed to be worse.

“It’s downstairs, it’s not to hard to find. If you have trouble just ask my parents” she said

He excused himself and went downstairs to the restroom. He needed to calm down. She had definetly noticed that he spoke like Chat, but still lied about him being her friend . I mean of course it made sense, it’s not like she was going to tell someone she didn’t know about Chat because it would give away she was Ladybug.

He splashed his face with water, he was flushed because being near her made his stomach turn knots. Had she figured out who he was or hadn’t she? He couldn’t tell. Had he hurt her?, was he too relaxed?. He didn’t know he just hoped things would work out for the best.

He climbed back upstairs and into Marinette’s room. As he opened the hatch he started to speak

“Hey, I’m back what did you want to to do for the biblio…” It took him a minute to realize Marinette wasn’t paying attention. She looked like she was going to explode. Something was wrong, very wrong.

“I’ll be back in a second I’m just going to go downstairs to check on something” she mumbled and quickly left her room. He sat down on the desk chair and went to search for his phone in his pocket. It wasn’t there. It must have fallen on the floor earlier when he had gotten up to use the restroom. He picked it up and noticed a message on the screen.

Marinette- Maybe we shouldn’t meet. I hadn’t really thought it through and it’s a risk we should think through.

Shit well if she didn’t know before now she sure as hell did now. Ugh he needed to talk to Marinette when she came back. He leaned back in the desk chair and waited for Marinette to return.

5 minutes passed, then 10 minutes passed and still no Marinette. Something was definitely wrong. He went downstairs, she wasn’t anywhere to be found. He went into the Bakery to ask her parents if they knew where she was.

“Excuse me, Have you seen Marinette anywhere? She excused herself about 15 minutes ago and I haven’t seen her since.” He questioned.

“Oh my that girl” she gave a chuckle and continued to speak" “Didn’t she tell you? She said she had an errand to run and left in a hurry” her mother replied.

“No she didn’t tell me.” He sighed.

“I’m sorry, sometimes our daughter is forgetful, we assumed she had told you and you had left through the back awhile ago.” Her father said trying to make Adrien feel better. He went back up to Marinette’s room gathered his things, and gave his farewell to her parents.

He needed to find Marinette. He scrolled through his phone contacts. He pressed call and waited for an answer.

“Hey, Alya I need a huge favor.”

(Scene 3- Marinettes POV)

“I’ll be back in a second I’m just going to go downstairs to check on something” she quickly told him. She felt like her insides were fighting a war, to say she was freaking out would be an understatement. She rushed to the Bathroom and began puking her guts out. This couldn’t be real, it just couldn’t. If it was real than what hadn’t been real. When she finished she felt better. She had to get away so she could take all this information in. She told her parents a lie, and left. She knew Adrien would definitely be mad at her for this, but it was all too much for her.

She decided to go sit in a cafe her and Alya frequented on the weekends. She could hide here for awhile until Adrien left. Marinette got some iced tea and tried to calm down, and she started to connect the dots.

(Memory- Marinette’s POV/ a few months ago.)

“So are you excited about the dance tonight!” Alya practically shouted while they were nearing their destination.

“I’m not so good with dancing,you know that” Marinette replied sheepishly. She and Alya had decided on going to the cafe to get some caffeine before getting ready for the dance.

“Look who it is!” Alya practically shouted. They had just walked into the cafe, when Alya had noticed that Adrien and Nino, Adrien’s best friend were there.

“Hey guys! What’s up?” Alya easily went over and approached the two boys.

“Just getting some coffee before the dance tonight” Nino replied. Marinette noticed Adrien looking down. She wondered if he was alright.

“Yup what he said!” Adrien perked up and pointed towards his friend.

“So, Marinette what’s this I hear about you not liking dancing?” Adrien teased. She would have cursed her best friend for telling him, if not for that it gave her the chance to talk to Adrien.

“It’s not my thing, that’s all…” Marinette replied as sincerely as she could without stuttering. Alya and Nino went to go order the drinks for the four of them.

“If it makes you feel any better Im new to this whole dance thing, Ive never been to a dance.” Adrien continued “but…well if you don’t mind would you save me a dance tonight?… I know it’s not your thing but everyone deserves to cut loose every once in awhile”

“Surereere , I’d be be honored.” Marinette hoped this wasn’t the doing of Alya. She didn’t want Adrien to feel like he was being forced to dance with her.

The four parted ways and got ready for the dance. Everything had been perfect that night, except Adrien never showed up. Nino explained that Adrien suddenly had to work and wasn’t going to be able to come to the dance. Marinette had been definitely a little disappointed, but probably not as disappointed as Adrien had been about going. She could tell he had been excited about it. She went home early, because she hadn’t really been having any fun. When she arrived home she didnt even bother to undress, she was still all done up for the dance almost as if she didn’t want the magic of the night to end even though it had ended for her before it even started. She hadn’t intended to fall asleep, but did anyway because the day had been more exhausting than planned.

“Knock” she awoke to sound of something knocking on the glass. It echoed off the walls of her room for a moment, she then got up to see what it was, she had a feeling she knew who it was though.

“What do you want you silly cat?” She was slightly annoyed. She opened her balcony hatch and let him into her room.

“Is everything all right? you are usually meowwre welcoming than this.” He asked her.

“Ah, this…” She probably looked strange considering she was still dressed up. “ I… There was a school dance tonight, that’s why I’m all dressed up, but…” She wasn’t sure if she should tell him about the nights events. “…but it didn’t go exactly as planned, sorry for my attitude earlier, I’m just a little salty.” she felt she could trust him, he was her partner… Well even if he didn’t know that, they had this strange relationship between them anyway.

“So what happened?” He gave her a polite smile.

“Ah, well I was asked to save a dance for one of the most popular guys in school but… He wasn’t able to make it to the dance. I know he couldn’t control it, but I can’t help but be a little disappointed… You see I don’t really care for dances and dancing that much. I was really only going cause my best friend had dragged me into it, but for once I really was genuine in my excitement.” She told the Masked Cat Boy.

“If it’s any consolation to you, you look really nice this evening and I would have loved to dance with you if I had the opportunity” he chided. She was trying not to be flustered, it was just she didn’t get compliments on her looks from boys as often and it suprised her. She kept telling herself.

They continued to chat for a little while longer talking about random things, whatever she wanted to, It was easy to talk to him. That evening in her mind took a turn for the better when Chat appeared. It was almost like magic she thought.

(Scene 3 - Marinette’s POV continued)

The dots were adding up in her mind and it was overwhelming. She needed to calm down or she was going to break down here in the cafe.

“Bzzzzzttt” her phone started ringing. It was Alya, dammit she surely had already heard from Adrien. She picked it up, before Alya had a chance to lecture Marinette she was going to speak first.

“Alya, I need a huge favor” She told her best friend.

“How huge of a favor is this?” Alya questioned playfully.

“Big, I need you to hide me from Adrien. I can’t talk to him right now… sooo can I spend the night at your place, because there is something I need to talk to you about” She pleaded.

“Fine, but you at least owe him an apology, for running off like that.” Alya said. She continued to lecture Marinette for another 5 minuted and then Marinette headed back to her house to get her stuff for the night.

(Scene 4 - Alya POV)

“What did you do to my best friend lover boy?"Alya said anxiously over the phone to Adrien.

"Uhh… That’s kind of confidential, but is she alright?” Adrien asked. Alya had called him back shortly after he had called her earlier.

“She’s not dying, but I don’t think she’s ready to talk to you yet… Give her some time she’ll come around."Alya continued ” I can’t help you with that favor though, her favor out weighs yours, no offense"

“That’s alright at least she’s physically okay” Adrien responded.

Alya got off the phone with Adrien after trying to get a few more details on the events of the day to no avail. Adrien hadn’t budged so she was walking into the situation with Marinette almost blind. She waited for Marinette to arrive at her house. She heard a small knock at her front door. When she opened the door she saw her best friend was a mess. Her hair wasn’t done and had obviously fallen out at some point during the day. She had spilt something on the front of her shirt. She looked like she was being held together by a thread and if someone were to even approach her she would snap in two. Alya saw tears start to bubble over her best friends eyes and fall down her face. It was clear to Alya that Her best friend was falling apart at the seams.

“Marinette, come inside let’s talk okay?” She said softly. Marinette stepped inside and she shut the door. Alya took her best friend into a hug. She talked softly “What in the world happened, Are you feeling okay?” Marinette had felt a bit feverish in her arms. Her best friend told her the first truth Alya had heard from her all week.

“No, Alya I’m not okay”

[ilygsd]

110918

the only reason i even like this ugly fkn cunt is because we’re so similar. or at least were, he’s grown a bit more than me so i obviously appreciate his help and experience and knowlege or whatever.

but fuck him in the fucking asshole, not only is he a white man, not only does he get triggered by ”i hate whites/men” and ”ppl listen to u cus ur a white man” and takes it SUPER PERSONALLY and accuse me of fucking attacking him and shit. hes acting like a fucking dick when we’re fighting and the thing is……. HE REFUSES to admit when i say we’re similar in the way we fight??? he’s like ”no, im not” and im like YES BITCH YOU ARE YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING CHILD

he’s so fucking aggressive, manipulative, guilt tripping and just…. COLD. i swear what the fuck is wrong with him? i’ve met him 3 times, and we’ve fought 2 times. ive known him for like 2 weeks and we’ve already had 2 major fights??

the only reason im not fucking murdering him on the spot is because 1. im not a fucking idiot. i know my limits. i CANT control him, i CANT manipulate him. i dont have any power over him and 2. i fucking like him?? if i dont apologize he’s going to go on for fucking ever and eternity??? i like him and im actually genuinely sorry that he’s hurt even if he’s a fucking pussy who got triggered over smth as petty

like excuse ME!! the way he fights is REALLY triggering for me??? the first time i was terrified. it was like flashbacks and shit i cried for a whole day and i hadn’t even met him back then. i was SO SCARED and SO SHOCKED. because IT IS I who usually have his position. it is I who usually put people in their places, NOT the other way around. i HATE being scolded, feeling like a worthless little piece of shit

i knew that i should’ve blocked his ass because that can really be SO damaging to me. also there’s a risk im goong to explode as well and we’re just gonna trigger each other and fight to death…. but i didnt because i was too god damn curious of what he had to offer. is it really possible for me to be happy as well? is it really possible for me to heal and grow like him? ERHM well obviously he’s not in his ”complete form” yet, fucking psycho when he get angry, but he’s pretty happy and kind and positive generally

i worried so much about me draining him with my anxiety and issues but he said he wouldnt let me drain him. he said he always put himself first and the he basically would leave if i try to pull anything on him. why the fuck did i even worry about him when he’s trying to manipulate and guilt trip me?? I AM SO PISSED. HE REALLY TRIED TO DO THAT THAT STUPID MOTHERFUCKER.

during our first fight it worked because i was SO SHOCKED, as i said. and i was SCARED. but fuck him in the asshole he really- he really tried to FUCKING DO THAT TO ME

he accuses me of being disrespectful of his limits when he goes fucking bananas, everythings happening so fast i cant even process what just happen, i dont even have the time to apologize cus hes all over and everywhere. and he’s so fucking threatening. he’s like ”if you dont…..” and he doesnt realize what the fuck he’s doing?? i apologize because 1. i hate these fights and 2. i like him i dont want to hurt him but he’s like ”i have nothing to apologize for”

STUPID FUCKING CUNTBAG YOUR UGLY TECHNIQUES ARE WAY OVER MY LIMITS, YOURE DISRESPECTING ME 101919X MORE THAN I EVER DISREPSEXTED U BY CALLING U A WHITE MAN.

(also can we talk abt how this motherfucker understabds that whites and men are privileged but he still doesnt get why reverse oppression isnt a thing and that it is GROUPS that are privileged and NOT individuals??? like he’s that fucking dumb)

that shit actually HURT!!!! i think he’s really immature during fights, i think he’s really fucking pathetic and i’m glad i’ve come to that conclusion rather than beating myself up. yes, i now understand that this is probably what it feels like for the counterpart when im fighting with them and im fuckig sorry that im acting like this psycho

BUT!!!!!! what really HURT was that he HONESTLY TRIED TO MANIPULATE ME. if i hadn’t called his ass out this time he would have gotten away with it AGAIN

bitch, he’s fucking 23 years old. he’s 4 years older than me. he also KNOWS!!!!!! i have a stupid crush on him and he STILL!!!!! TRIED TO GUILT TRIP ME, TRIED TO MAKE ME OBEY AND SUBMIT TO HIM, GET DOWN ON MY KNEES AND BEG

im so pissed and a part of me wish i would just have exploded but i couldnt because it was fucking 1 am and my family was asleep and i couldnt fucking shout at someone over the phone. also it actually made me feel a bit superior and mature when i was all calm and he still was upset (even though he wouldnt admit it, stupid proud brat. his voice changes distinctly). okay YES, i MAY have patronized him a little but also NOT!!! i was just really tired and sad and i still liked him so like….. i was just upset and trying to calm him down

its kind of hilarious how i had to tell him to stop sounding so aggressive and he was like ”im not” and i was like ”yes you are” and so he actually KIND OF stopped and it was easier to talk to him. wow i feel so powerful lmao. omg in really not any better than him am i? i know im not because no matter how much he denies it…….. im literally exactly the same when i fight 😔😔 i tell myself i wasnt like that because i didnt WANT to, because i want to be MATURE but a part of me honestly thinks its just me knowing my place. i like him more than the likes me, he can use that to his advantage, there was no reason or possibility for me to dominate him.

im still very pissed though and just because i like him i still REFUSE to follow him like a little puppy. ive been so worried ALL this time that i wouldnt be able to keep up with him intellectually, that he was too good for me, too smart and too kind. PFFFFFFFT!!! im sorry but i swear i was just idealizing him or smth. its his fucking voice and scent, its like a drug it makes me all calm and dizzy but objectively…. dont fucking let him manipulate you. if he ever makes you feel like yo should apologize and that tou did wrong, ask yourself WHY. an east escape is not the right answer. call him the fuck out. i think and hope he avtually would appreciate it as well……. even though he’s so fucking stubborn and proud OMG HES SO PROUD I CANT, I AM PROUD TOO BUT NOT TO HIM. or maybe a little since i now refuse to fucking message him, maybe a little bit manipulative but no, im still mad, the way he acted lady night was fucked up. why does he have to be so proud with ME???? is it because he doesnt feel as emotionally connected to me as i do? yeah probably

that stupid motherufcker…. when i told him ”instead of threatening me that you’re gonna hung up if i dont ’respect’ aka BEHAVE accordingly…. you could just say ’hey im not comfortable talking right now, i need to hung up’ AND HE WAS LIKE ”but we’re not that close-/but we’re not that emotionally-” or something like that and i was like……. is this dipshit clown really serious?? ”uhhh its more like COMMON SENSE AND RESPECT” and he was like ”yeah maybe…” YEAH MAYBE? NO YOU KNOW IM FUCKING RIGHT

god that piece of shit really thinks he has me wrapped around his finger or something. im attracted to him but what he doesnt understand is that he’s still a plain white man. he had NO IDEA how much im controlling myself by even letting myself fall for a white man. does he really think he can like…. i sont know?? i fucking asked him. because i said ”i dont demand or threaten you” and he was like yeah i know. and i was like woahhh…. wait a second….. ”do you think i dont because i like you? do you think i would just follow you whatever?” and he was like ”im not gonna answer that”

oh my god he really thought didnt he. stupid ass white boy really thought i would choose him over myself or any of my siblings of color. smh poor jack.

im going nuts. okay…. if he EVER pulls something like this again i wont be so sure i’ll be able to handle this on a mature level. the worst thing is though that i HAVE TO. because even when i DO, he’s so fucking ptronizing. like te WHITE MAN just jumped out???? if i were to lose my shit……. ITS SI FRUSTRATING AND ITS EXACTLY WHY I CANT BE WITH A WHITE MAN. i was avtually very fucking calm and he STILL managed to make me feel like i was the ”bad guy”.

ughhhh im fucking insane. this…… whatever the fuck our relationship is cus this boy is apprently only interested in me what the fuck that now even means?? okay so we can like hang out and be physical and cuddle and shit but we’re not a couple and its NOT limited to being exclusively us. apparebtly i should still feel flattered though?? cus he doesnt find anyone attractive and he needs some sort of chemistry??? im sorry boy but i am NOT flattered. you do you, i get it, it takes time for you to fall in love with someone but im obviously still much more emotionally invested. that not your fault. thats my problem. my abandonment and attatchment issues. honestly im so fucked i cant even differ my feelings. my feelings for him are strong but idk what they are. some days i feel like platonic friendship, other days an older brother, a romantic partner and sometimes even a dad/parental figure. like im that fucked up i just need a STRONG BOND i dont care what

i low key hate myself for how i ended the call yesterday. thanks to that, now i cant bring this up again. its too late. the fight is ”over”. i was like ”i still like u bye goodnight sweet dreams” but now im like ”i hate u ugly bitch”.

god my head