#i hope you have a more smoothing day and please take care of yourself unfollow or block if you need

[bliphany]

RIP, Abe Shinzo.

It’s not in Taiwanese people’s nature to ever forget every kindly, friendly, helping hand from any corner of this world. That’s just not in our blood to do so. Especially when other countries were mostly talks no action. Japan has been standing with us, and we, you. We are always grateful for every support Japanese people ever offer. This friendship is important. We remember.

[02343]

Today’s Card: The Magician I’ve been using the Hermetic Tarot deck gifted to me last year by my good friend Vicky. I’m going to start interpreting these and reflecting because with something like obsessive thoughts that come along with OCD and the kind of progress I’m trying to make in my own personal bubble, I want to start tracking it so I can see it over time. I want to be good to myself. My interpretation:

From Biddy Tarot, where I’ve been studying the meanings of the cards since they are very easy to comprehend, if there’s a better place, please let me know! I actually lost the little booklet that goes with my cards...

“The Magician Tarot card typically appears in a Tarot reading at a time in your life when you have the creative power and energy to create a new life cycle for yourself. You have the ability to take the power of the Universe and manifest your desires. The Magician Tarot card suggests that a situation has been (or soon will be) presented to you that has all the inherent components to allow the manifestation of your desires. Those desires may be spiritual (fire), physical (earth), emotional (water), or mental (air), and are each aligned with the four elements of the Tarot. You have the ability to make it happen!

With the Magician Tarot card, you are inspired to apply skill and initiative to accomplish all your goals. You have a strong desire to begin something new, to ‘do, act, or go forth’. A ‘can-do’ attitude and strong sense of optimism will dominate a new beginning and thus the decisions that you make will have positive results.

The Magician card sees you creating success in everything that you do. This is a Tarot card about manifesting your goals by utilising the skills, tools and resources that are available to you. The Magician suggests that you will come up with creative ways to solve problems and you will be able to use your existing knowledge and networks to arrive at solutions.

The Magician Tarot card is a good omen when you have a specific wish, when you begin a project involving creativity, or when you need to make a transformation of any kind. This is a great Tarot card for meditation when you need to call all the elements for help and wisdom.

The Magician Tarot card indicates that you can benefit from your creative forces if you can claim your power and act with awareness and concentration. This card is a signal to act consciously and act now provided you understand exactly what you want and are committed to getting it. You need to know what you are doing and why you are doing it. Be clear about your underlying motives and intentions.

The Magician is also a Tarot card of deep concentration on a specific task or activity. You need to be focused on a single goal or purpose at this time and you need to channel all of your energy, tools and resources towards this one goal. Commitment to the task is essential and as such, you will need to eliminate any distractions that will take your focus away from what you want to achieve.

The Magician shows that you are doing a great job at pulling together all of the skills, resources and tools that are available to you in order to bring about an outcome that suits you. You are keeping a very pragmatic head about you and you are trying to remain as objective and ‘can-do’ as possible, even if you are worried on the inside. Keep this up as it will help you to create as much success as possible. Keep thinking about what other skills and resources you can use and keep focused on the task at hand.”

I feel like this card is speaking directly to me. Since the new year, I’ve felt new. I’m trying to take control of my life and my thoughts and my actions. Previously, I was living in a prison of other people’s, while constantly worrying how the present was going to affect my future and in the process literally never living in the moment. Getting rid of Facebook has helped center my mind’s focus back onto me and now I don’t have an easy feed to get lost in for a few hours. I’ve made a conscious decision to not pull out my phone when I have a spare minute and instead study the room around me, the sound of the wind, the sound of people, the sound of existence. I’ve started taking one day at a time. I think that’s the most important thing is that I’ve started literally taking one day at a time. I think about the day as a whole, rather than “I can do this tomorrow” or “Last night I should’ve done this!” etc. I’ve done a small bit of yoga the past two mornings to wake up, and stretch, and get in tune with myself. I’ve stopped making art a task and it’s become a hobby again. I’ve accepted who I am in this moment. Learning French and taking 30 minutes a day to do a few rounds has been helpful at giving me something to work on when I need “busy” work. I haven’t been smoking as much as I used to- it’s now for fun and not really a distraction tool anymore. The Magician seems like a card that knows I’m knee deep into this personal transformation. Like, it may not seem like much on the outside, but it’s extremely internal. It honestly started with me needing to get a hold of my intrusive thoughts and my mind and I feel healthier and more in tune. My goal is to keep this up as long as possible. I know how I’m feeling and it’s good. I also know how bad it feels to be locked in your own brain and although it still happens, it’s all a work in progress and I just need to keep moving forward.  Scott and I have talked with his parents who have offered to let me move in there with them, giving Scott and I some decent space to ourselves. I feel like that is also a move in the right direction. As I’m trying to enjoy the moment more and I’m seeing things without the rose tinted glasses of the internet facade, I’m recognizing what my purpose is. I’m understanding who my friends are and who I’m connected to. I did go through my Instagram and saw which people have unfollowed me over the years and that was a bummer, but more of a relief. Obviously these people are not good, positive beings in my life and it’s better to move on than wallow in wanting their attention.  My need for popularity and success paired with violent, intrusive thoughts from my past have really started holding me tight. I’m glad to be loosening the grip.  I’ve been working on a new series of art - and when I say working, I mean primed a few canvases, set up a single still-life and sketched a piece out - that I feel really good about. I have so much pressure around art. Going to a good school for Illustration made me feel like a failure that I was not getting anywhere with it and I didn’t feel good about making anything, etc. I see people I used to know really going places with their work and I became envious. I’m excited to get rid of my past pressures and just work on a project that is for me. I’ve been reading a few different books about OCD and intrusive obsessions because stopping your compulsions is one thing - you know the action you want to do, you know why you want to do it, and you do not do it - but obsessive thoughts are like, how do you out think your thoughts when they are forceful and acting on their own? They aren’t your thoughts anymore - they’re bugs swarming around your face and landing on your skin and making you more, and more uncomfortable in the place you’re sitting and even when you try and move, they follow and you just succumb to the fire because you cannot swat them for life. My rumination has diminished but my “spikes” have become more consistent. Like, I no longer sit and think about WHY I’m thinking about it. I think figuring out that I have OCD has helped this a lot, I’m no longer consumed with the idea I could be a sociopath or that I want to do x, y and z. I’m not thinking about WHY I’m thinking about it anymore, I’m just thinking about it CONSTANTLY. Like, an image will appear in my mind - a distressing image that is directly connected to my deepest fears- and I’ll try and push it away but it keeps forcing itself to the front of my mind and I can feel my nerves tense and my face distort and a tic occur to try and vanish this thought but it’s there and it keeps coming and this could cycle through for an hour or so - Or over the course of a few hours, maybe a day? I could be completely fine and the moment I become “too there” and realize that my mind is blank or that what I’m focusing on isn’t holding my attention as well, like going through my Facebook newsfeed and reading things I don’t actually care about but I should know what my “friends” are saying and I Should be responding and I Should be involved but I’m not actually because I’m sitting alone in an office somewhere along the water, etc. and it’ll just take over me. It can tell when my brain has a break and it’ll just seep in and infect, then I’m gone. It could happen any time, it does not discriminate.  That being said, it can be triggered. While it waits for my tired, stressed brain to sit down for a minute, if something were to happen - like someone was chopping a cucumber, or someone handed me a piece of paper - my mind will spiral down. Paper, knives, anything with a clean edge. Serrated knives are okay and I actually try and push the idea of serrated knives into my brain when I get all focused on smooth edges. But yeah, my new art project is a form of Exposure and Response Therapy. While I'm not ruminating for hours, I still have small rituals that need to be broken and in doing so, I’m hoping will ease the forcefulness of my “spikes”. I’m taking a break from the things I used to draw and I’m enjoying a new focus and a new intention.  I feel like I just went on and on, and I did, but I guess I just really needed to say it all. I’m looking forward to progress and I say that whenever I’m feeling good and then bad days come around and I’m back at the bottom, but seriously: I’m looking forward to progress because I feel good. I’m not in control yet, but I’m recognizing the decisions I’m making that are contributing to my progress and I’m going to keep working towards it.  Instead of saying “I don’t want to be me” and continuing down the same paths, I’m going to be the person I want to be. Healthy, happy, and okay.