#pure obsessional

[sp00kysk3lly]

What I thought would happen before my 26 birthday -

I would be driving.

I would be working.

I would have had my first kiss.

I would have had a real proper relationship.

I would have moved out of my mums house.

I would be enjoying life.

I wouldn’t be still wanting to end it all.

I would be happy.

Not really a lot, but they are important to me. But, it's never going to happen is it. If it isn't going to happen at 26 then it's over. I only have 4 more years until I am 30 years old. So I know it won't happen now.

No one wants to love me, No one wants to be with me and I just have to accept that fact. It has been proven to me plenty of times. I just need to learn to be ok with it. I need to stop being so jealous of people. And getting angry at people who are in relationships. I know I look like a freak to some people, especially people in my actual life. And that's what hurts the most.

They see me and know that I haven't even had my first proper kiss or been in a proper relationship, then they look at my brothers or any other person in my family and they know I am a disappointment. They know that I am a failure.

I know they say this behind my back, because I say it too. I Am A Failure. I Am A Disappointment.

I just wish this world would stop reminding me off the fact.

[scrupulosity-comics]

funny thing about “pure obsessional” or mental-only compulsive OCD is that you could be having the most devastating mental health crisis of your life and spiraling into the brainworm dimension but to everyone around you, you’re just politely browsing for medicated chapstick

[call-of-ishmael]

Ishmael as having Pure O (OCD)

Inspired by a post i saw of someone saying their own experiences with OCD didn't line up with Ishmael (which i liked a lot, i always love seeing discussions on this) i wanted to give my own take based on my own experiences with OCD. Its my take Ishmael suffers from a bit of a lesser known variety, Pure Obsessional OCD. Now Pure O is a bit of a misnomer, because you DO have compulsions, they are mostly mental though, and there can be accompanying behaviors that are more outward, however it can be hard to miss, and in my experience has even made my family doubt the diagnosis at times cause its tricky. Now for Ishmael, she seemingly has no outward compulsions, but she has one thing, avoidant behaviors, like hiding away in her cabin during the first part of Canto V, which again leads to a bit of another connection, her whetting her harpoon for entirely too long, a small but noticeable behavior accompanying her avoidant behaviors. Avoidant behaviors tend to be the more outward of symptoms at times, cause mental compulsions are hard to spot. Post also mentioned that anxieties didn't seem to be that prevalent before 4.5-5 and id disagree. Dante noticed some anxious behaviors early on (They for example say she will start talking really quickly and in excess when nervous). She has always come off as always being on edge to me at least. Anxiety has always been a part of her behaviors but as we have seen shes been masking it a lot. Finally a bit more on a personal note, they mention in the post too that OCD tends to be many things, but there can be a tendency to single mindedness, you just wanna quiet down whats wrong and you need to take whatever path it is to make it stop hurting, and considering shes facing one of her biggest traumas, this being what shes been stuck on for the better part of the whole Canto makes perfect sense. Other stuff is her catastrophizing, endless ruminating on what could go wrong (she starts thinking of scenarios of what might just completely make it a disaster, what if Dante cant bring anyone back, what happens if they go overboard?) this isn't new, shes been this way since Canto II where she wants a perfect plan and is really only satiated by Effie and Saudes plan being watertight, one thing mentioned in the post is ruminating anxiety, and her behaviors not just in this chapter but in small ways before clearly give me an impression of this ruminating behavior always considering what could go wrong and wanting something rational to follow. In conclusion, her behavior before, this canto and during the Canto give me the impression she has Pure O which she has been trying her hardest to mask until she just couldn't anymore, and its now we are finally seeing some of those hints of mental compulsions turn into more outward behavior. If youd like to read a bit more on Pure OCD heres an article that while a bit general gives a good idea https://ocdla.com/obsessionalocd

[aphroditelovesu]

Yandere Greek Gods - Profile II

"Even the gods themselves need love and yours is the best of all." - Greek Gods.

❝⚡️— lady l: hey! Here I am again, bringing you the second and probably last part of the profile of the Greek gods. Before reading, I want to make some things clear, I didn't make all the Greek gods, if it wouldn't take too long, I made the most important ones. Of the twelve Olympians and some extras, for example, Persephone and Hades are not Olympians, but they are listed. Maybe in the future I can make the minor gods, but there's no plan. If you want to read the first part click here or search one of the tags below. I didn't do it in alphabetical order or the oldest, I ended up leaving it randomly and some got bigger and others smaller.

❝⚡️tw: yandere themes in general, dub-con, implicit non-con, possessive and obsessive behavior. If you feel uncomfortable with any of these themes, I recommend not reading.

❝⚡️word counter: 3k+

MANIPULATOR

Athena is the Greek goddess of wisdom, craftsmanship and strategy in warfare. Daughter of Zeus and Metis.

"Y/N, you know it's not wise to argue with me about this. You're not going to abandon me to these petty mortals. You insult me ​​by asking me to."

Athena is an extremely proud goddess and that is dangerous. Any affront or insult will not be treated lightly. You will be punished and after being punished, you will be drowned in the caresses of the goddess.

She is manipulative, what more could you expect from the goddess of wisdom? Athena is wise, she knows how to manipulate you very well and you won't even know you're being puppeted unless she wants you to know.

Athena will punish you until you learn, but you won't need to be punished many times, the goddess will make sure you learn the first time.

In a platonic way she will be more tolerable with you, but will still be strict. Athena expects no less from her obsessional perfection. You must be perfect for her and she will make you be.

"I'm so disappointed in you, Ynn. How dare you try to leave? I've tried to avoid physically hurting you, but apparently it's the only way you know how to obey. With pain."

Kinks: dom. Athena is definitely a dom, she wants it and will be at the top.

Nicknames: Ynn (imagine it as the initial of her name plus the letter "e", like Lee), princess/prince.

OBSESSIVE

Artemis is the Greek goddess of hunting, chastity and in some versions the moon. Daughter of Zeus and Leto, twin sister of Apollo.

"Do you want to go hunting with me today, dear? It will just be the two of us..."

Artemis is an obsessive and protective yandere. She is strong and decisive, Artemis wants you and she will have it. From a young age, Artemis always knew what he wanted. A group of hunters who, like her, took a vow of chastity. But after meeting you, maybe she'll reconsider.. or not.

Artemis is one of the yandere most likely to be platonically in love with you. The goddess worships you, simply, you were so kind, innocent and intelligent, which immediately attracted the attention of the goddess of hunting. You haven't been corrupted by the evils of the world yet, and she wants you to stay that way.

If she becomes romantically involved with you, there will hardly be sex involved, but she doesn't mean it's not impossible, because it can happen. But due to her oath, the goddess is much more likely to remain platonically in love with you.

Although she is known to be serious and strict, Artemis is kind and tolerant of you. You are one of the few mortals the goddess has affections for, she wants you to remain pure.

If you remain pure and devoted to the goddess of the hunt, Artemis will reward you handsomely.

"Oh, is my little deer hurt? Tell me who hurt you and I promise to make that person regret it."

Kinks: hunting games. You are the prey and she is your predator. It is Artemis' favorite fantasy.

Nicknames: dear, little deer.

CONTROLLER

Apollo is the god of the sun, music, plagues, prophecy, medicine, arts, oracles, truth, disease, healing, poetry, archery, initiator of young people into the world of adults, masculine beauty, perfection, harmony, balance and reason. Son of Zeus and Leto, twin brother of Artemis.

"You can't leave, Y/N. What if you get hurt? I can't risk your safety."

Let's be clear, Apollo is a controlling god and he doesn't accept to receive a "no", none of them accepts in fact, after all they are gods and you are a mere mortal, but Apollo can be worse, I mean, take a good look at Cassandra of Troy.

Apollo wants to control you in every way, when you wake up, when you sleep, what you eat, who you talk to and even your clothes. Everything you do will be scrutinized by the god.

In addition to being controlling, Apollo is quite protective. Not that you can blame him, after all, all of his lovers have tragically died and he doesn't want the same to happen to you.

As the sun god, Apollo is always aware of where you are. God has hell, wherever you are he will be there. He wants you to be by his side all the time, for you to share your thoughts with him whether you want to or not. Privacy is something you will never know after he sets eyes on you.

Apollo is a very jealous god. He gets jealous so easily it's ridiculous. Apollo is jealous when the wind hits his delicate skin, after all, the wind is a god too. He will always be hovering over you.

"What are you about to play a game? Don't worry, my Muse. I won't let anything happen to you."

Kinks: dom, probably a little daddykink (given the power he feels when you call him that).

Nicknames: sunshine, sun, my Muse.

IN LOVE

Aphrodite is the Greek goddess of love, beauty and sexuality. In some versions she is the daughter of Zeus and Dione, but the most famous is that she was born from sea foam, after the castration of Uranus.

"Love is the most powerful emotion there is."

Aphrodite is the embodiment of feminine beauty. She is the most beautiful and desired goddess. She wants to be adored by everyone, she is adored by everyone. But what she craves most is your attention, devotion and your love.

The goddess is not afraid to show how much she is in love with you. Why should she? She is the goddess of love! Aphrodite wants you to know in every way possible how much she loves you. You are the person she cares about and loves the most, so you should always have confirmation that she loves you more than anything in the world.

Expect to receive many gifts from the goddess. From dazzling silk dresses, jewelry to decorated handcuffs. She will pamper you infinitely, you are her greatest treasure, nothing could be fairer than that you receive everything from the most expensive and the best. Whatever you ask for you will get, have no doubt that any wish you have, even the simplest, will be fulfilled.

The only thing Aphrodite wants in exchange for all the luxury she will provide you with is your love and devotion. Just for her. You must be completely devoted and loyal to your goddess, otherwise she is more than willing to punish you. Her punishments would be both physical and sexual, she has no fear or any hesitation to cause you physical pain.

If you are disobedient or stubborn, know that you will be insulting her. Aphrodite is known to have a dangerous temper and when she is offended nothing can be done to calm her anger, look at the case of Myrrha and Hippolytus. Nothing and no one could do anything to calm the goddess's fury and it's not like anyone will help you, as she is extremely dangerous and is willing to use Ares or anyone else to destroy an entire country as a way of punishing you. And she won't feel an ounce of guilt about it. She would blame you, saying that those people died because you didn't accept her love.

It goes without saying that Aphrodite is an extremely jealous goddess, bordering on possessiveness. Nobody has the right to touch you. You belong to her and her alone. Anyone who tries to touch you will lose their hands or their life, depending on whether she's feeling merciful.

As long as you remain devoted and accept Aphrodite's love for you, you and everyone around her will be protected. Aphrodite loves you so much and wants to stay with you forever. But remember, Aphrodite was once known as the goddess of war and all is fair in love and war.

"Shall we take a shower together, my love? I promise to get you clean. Are we going to do more than just bathe? Maybe..."

Kinks: literally anything. Aphrodite doesn't have a specific kink, she loves to try anything with you.

Nicknames: my love, my passion and my beautiful.

POSSESSIVE

Ares is the Greek god of war. Son of Zeus and Hera.

"I'll take you with me to the next battle. Shh, don't argue with me. I'm sure you'll like it."

Ares, like his mother, is extremely possessive. It has no other adjective to put in. He sees you as his, as a possession, more like an object to be possessed than a person.

You weren't sure why and how you attracted the attention of the god of war. Maybe it's because you're a peaceful and anti-war person that, in a way, you loathed Ares. It was an affront to him and it infuriated him. You should be punished. Not only did you not pray to him, you tried to dissuade the others from stopping the killing. Ares knew you had to be punished severely and that was exactly what he planned to do.

When he went to meet you, it didn't go the way he had planned. Instead of having to punish, he was stunned. You radiated such a calm and passivity that he was fascinated by you. Ares was instantly fixated on you. He wanted you and he would have you. He would make you the perfect wife/husband, but for that Ares needs to make sure you would support him.

Ares is not a gentle god, quite the opposite. He's gross and rude. There's no kind of gentleness when he touches you. Kisses from him are usually rude and it seems like he's always trying to get you pressed like anything, from a wall to your own arms if there’s nothing else.

However, there are moments, rare but there are, where Ares is affectionate with you. This would be more likely to occur if you are pregnant or if it is your first time. In either case, he would be much more affectionate and try to be as gentle with you as possible. It might not seem like it because of Ares' brutal nature, but he can be soft when he wants to.

Ares loves you. This is a fact. But his love for you is twisted, he won't let you walk away from him. His possessiveness is suffocating and uncontrolled, he would beat anyone to death just because they dared to lay eyes on you. No one would be safe from him, not even you. Be very careful with him, Ares is more than willing to hurt you in any way possible to make you understand that you belong to him.

"I gouged out the eyes of that old bastard who asked you what time it was. What? Don't look at me like that! Did you like his attention?! YOU ARE MINE!"

Kinks: dom, rough sex and BDSM.

Nicknames: flame and sweetsoldier.

WORSHIPER

Hephaestus is the Greek god of the forge, blacksmiths, artisans, sculptors, metals, metallurgy, fire and volcanoes. Son of Zeus and Hera. Although, in some versions, he is just the son of Hera.

"I know I may seem disgusting to you, precious. But I want you to love me as much as I love you."

Hephaestus' biggest problem is his insecurity. Not that you blame him, I mean, his mother threw him off Mount Olympus because she thought he was so ugly and he was cheated on by his wife, so you can expect him to be insecure and somewhat paranoid. He knows he doesn't deserve you, he puts you on a pedestal. As if you were the goddess/god and not him. Hephaestus fears abandonment, he will do anything for you, anything so you don't abandon him or betray him. Ask and you will have.

He would definitely be the god who would spoil you the most. Others would too, but not as much as Hephaestus. He is always making new jewelry or trinkets for you. All made with the greatest dedication and affection.

However, Hephaestus can be quite scary. Don't get him wrong, he doesn't want to scare you, but when the god gets jealous (which happens very easily, given how insecure he is) he can become aggressive and threatening. But when his anger fades, all that's left is guilt. He didn't mean to scare you! He loves you! Why did he keep scaring you?

Hephaestus wouldn't force you to be with him. He'll understand if you want to stay away from him, even if it tears him apart inside. Hephaestus will be content to just watch you from a distance if that's what you want. But if you, for some reason, decide to stay with him, you won't leave his side anymore. Choose very carefully.

''Will you promise to stay with me forever, Y/N? I... I really can't let her go...''

Kinks: somnophilia (I can say that Hephaestus would really love to see you sleeping, a bit bizarre I know, but I just think...).

Nicknames: Precious, my life.

DELIRIOUS

Dionysus is the Greek god of wine, parties, life cycles, insanity, theater, religious rites and intoxication. Son of Zeus and Semele, a mortal princess. He is the only Olympian god born to a mortal. He is sometimes replaced by Hestia in the Greek pantheon.

''Today we are going to participate in a celebration! What do you mean by one more? Hmm... Don't worry, baby dolphin, it's the last party I drag you today!''

Dionysus may seem like an easy god to deal with, but don't be stupid, he is not. He's always shrouded in some kind of drunken haze, he's rarely sober, and when he is, it doesn't mean he'll make it any easier to deal with. Because he isn't. In fact, a sober Dionysus is a lot more work and a pain in the ass than a drunk one.

He is a delusional yandere. A little too obvious for the wine god, but true nonetheless. Dionysus is always wrapped up in his delusional obsession with you and drink. There are only two things he cares about most, you and his precious wine. The order doesn't matter much. He's sober enough to know it's wrong and extremely distorted how he feels about you, but he doesn't care one bit. He is a god and you are a mere mortal. Dionysus is delusional enough to think you're ecstatic that he's fallen in love with you.

He's very dangerous. Never doubt it even one for a moment. The god is always in the presence of his drunken worshipers, they are as obsessed with you as their god is with you. You will never be alone again. If Dionysus is not in your presence, his followers will be. All hovering over you. It would be an understatement to say that you will have almost no privacy.

Dionysus will drag you to all kinds of parties. It doesn't matter if you're the reclusive type of person who hates crowds and noisy places, once you're with him you'll learn to enjoy being the center of attention.

You will be pampered and rewarded by the god if you are not a stubborn person. Dionysus is not a bad option to be trapped, but because he is delusional and is almost always involved in his drink, he will hardly notice your discomfort.

''Here, Y/N-nn, take this grape. Wait! Let me put it in your mouth and then we can enjoy the privacy of our quarters...''

Kinks: exhibitionism and threesome. Dionysus won't mind sharing you with someone (especially since then that person will be dead).

Nicknames: baby dolphin, Y/N-nn (basically your name plus the second letter, like Laa).

STALKER

Hermes is the Greek god of roads and travellers, diplomats, merchants, astronomy, eloquence and initiation. He is considered the messenger of the gods, patron of thieves and the guide of souls to the underworld. Son of Zeus and Maia.

''What do you think about going on a trip? You know, just me and you, to a distant, romantic place. Where no one would ever disturb us.''

Hermes is a stalker, ok, let it be clear to you and everyone else. The god was already chasing you before you even knew, before anyone else knew. It is likely that even moiras were not aware of this. He knows everything about you. Your biggest fears, quirks, your biggest desire and even your darkest secrets. Nothing escapes Hermes' sight. You couldn't hide from him even if you tried, after all, he's the god of the roads, Any way you try to take he'll be there, waiting for you with open arms.

He got to know you in a very unusual way, actually. You were hiking with some friends and ended up getting separated from your group, causing you to get lost and, luckily or unluckily (it's up to you), you ended up meeting Hermes, who provided you with the necessary information. You thanked him and ran off to catch up with your friends, but unknowingly ended up leaving a deeply obsessed Greek god.

After that encounter, the god became thirsty for knowledge for you. He's found out everything he can about you. It was the perfect way to get close to you and he did. You wouldn't even notice Hermes' obsessive behavior as he is quite laid back, but don’t be fool, he can be scary and dangerous if he wants to be. However, luckily for you, this is very rare to happen, but if you end up irritating him too much, you will be punished severely, he will have no mercy.

Hermes is not a jealous or obsessive god. He doesn't demand to have your attention all the time for him, he's also very busy. Hermes is a pretty safe option for falling in love, but like I said, he's a stalker, he'll always have his eye on you. So be very careful what you say or do when he is not ''present''.

''You can run all you want, baby... But you know I'll always catch up with you, don't you?''

Kinks: voyeurism.

Nicknames: baby, sweet, little traveler.

INTENSE

Eros is the Greek god of love and eroticism. In some versions he is the son of Aphrodite and Ares, in others only of Aphrodite and in some he is presented as the son of Chaos, which would make him a primordial god.

''You know you can't resist love, my princess/prince. I don't know why you still try.''

Eros is the embodiment of sexual desire, of everything erotic. His emotions are intense and very powerful, which makes him one of the most dangerous yanderes among all the Greek gods. His anger is not to be treated lightly. His love should not be ignored and he should never, ever, under any circumstances, be neglected.

He loves too much, too much. What he feels for you is the purest love there is in the world, at least that's how he thinks, as it's completely twisted and unhealthy. The god is completely out of control when it comes to his love for you, he is ecstatic, overexcited. He wants you on his side all the time and so it will be.

Eros is very jealous. He is jealous of everything and everyone who approaches you. He doesn't like any of this. You are his and he will use force if necessary to make you understand this.

He is an extremely dangerous god when insulted. He will punish you, but his punishments are mostly sexual, but that doesn't mean he's not willing to leave marks on your delicate skin. If you resist his love, Eros will use his arrows on you. He doesn't want that, he doesn't want a puppet, but if that's what he needs to do to make you love him then so be it. You will love him willingly or by force. It's your choice.

''Stand still, Y/N! If you don't want to love me willingly, then I have to force you. Either way, you will love me.''

Kinks: Eros does not have a specific kink. He's willing to do anything in bed, but to be honest, he likes to be submissive. It's his dirtiest secret, he wants you to master it.

Nicknames: princess/prince, love.

CAREGIVER

Persephone is the Greek goddess of Spring dead, life, grain, nature, destruction, herbs, flowers, fruits and perfumes. She is the Queen of the Underworld. She is the daughter of Zeus and Demeter and the wife of Hades.

''No need to worry, my sweetie. I will be here for you. Ever.''

Persephone is a very kind goddess. She has a reputation for being kind to heroes and that's true. She is one of the kindest and gentle goddesses of all the Greek gods, to the point of being quite naive, although this changes a bit after she becomes the Queen of the Underworld.

The goddess laid her eyes on you after meeting you briefly at one of the Olympian festivities. Before she married Hades. You were a goddess/god, a minor goddess/god, but you had been invited and Persephone couldn't take her eyes off you. But she never tried to talk to you, her mother Demeter was extremely protective and wouldn't let anyone near her, so the goddess didn't dare approach you.

But everything changed after her kidnapping and her marriage to Hades, even after she got married and supposedly fell in love with her husband, you were still on the goddess's mind all the time and now that she was away from her mother, she could have the chance to speak with you. And she did. You were exactly as Persephone had imagined, kind and fun. Rumors about your kindness were true and she fell even more in love with you.

Persephone is a very compassionate goddess, she would never force you into anything or try to hurt you in any way. She loves you too much for that. The goddess would never dare do anything to hurt you. You would be pampered and adored by her. You two would do anything together, she refuses to leave your side. Even when she returns to her husband's side, she will convince you to go to the underworld with her.

Getting stuck with Persephone is not a bad thing. She is kind and calm, she would never try to hurt you and would give you all the affection in the world if you wanted. But you have to stay by her side. And she will go up against anyone who was opposed to her relationship, no matter who.

''What do you say we go for a walk in my garden, Y/N-wer? If you're hungry, I've got some pomegranates here with me.''

Kinks: dom and aftercare. Persephone can be kind and all, but in the bedroom she's the one who dominates.

Nicknames: Y/N-wer (mixture of Y/N with flower) and my goddess/god.

[purelyobsessional]

Mental Compulsions Scorecard

Any of these sound familiar?

Trying to “figure out” why you’re having a certain thought.

Trying to counteract, neutralize, or balance out negative thoughts with positive thoughts.

Trying to forcefully control an obsessive thought.

Trying to “figure out” what type of person you are (e.g., questioning your own morality). 

Avoiding certain situations, people, or activities so that you don’t have an obsession.

Reassuring yourself (e.g., telling yourself, “I’d never do that”).

Postponing certain behaviors or thoughts until “the right time” or until “they feel right.”

Repeating thoughts, phrases, or words in your head. 

Repeatedly praying or asking for forgiveness (in a way that is not typical for others who share your faith).

Getting stuck in an OCD doubt/reassurance loop.

Asking questions and seeking reassurance from others.

Over-analyzing one’s own behavior or body and trying to do things “normally.”

[[MORE]]My score:  9 out of 12. Would have been nice to have seen a list like this decades ago! (Even better if one of my many therapists had seen it, especially the first one who wanted to hospitalize me because I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn’t jump out a window and kill myself….)

Credit for the above list goes to Dr. Steven J. Seay, http://www.steveseay.com/pure-o-ocd-pure-obsessional-ocd/

[me-you-and-my-medication]

--- "PURE O" OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER.

Pure O, also known as purely obsessional OCD, is a form of OCD marked by intrusive, unwanted, and uncontrollable thoughts (or obsessions). While someone experiencing Pure O may not engage in obvious behaviors related to their intrusive thoughts, such as counting, arranging, or hand-washing, the disorder is instead accompanied by hidden mental rituals.

[mentoillnesspolls]

Disclaimer: There is some debate over whether OCD can exist with only compulsions or only obsessions, however, the DSM-5 does state that you can have only one, so that's what I'm going off of.

Also if there is a term for having pure compulsions like there is for obsessions, please let me know. I could not for the life of me find it if it's out there

[belle-keys]

An update to my chronic OCD and OCPD story: A new chapter?

So, in October of 2021, four months after I had gotten my official OCD and OCPD diagnoses, I made this post sort of briefly chronicling my experiences with OCD and OCPD since childhood (more so my OCD, as I really don’t have that much intense or debilitating OCPD symptoms). Little did I know that in June of 2022, I’d have a sudden, awful OCD relapse that would put me back on Paxil. So here’s how it’s been since then.

I obviously did not think I’d have an OCD relapse, but guess which stupidhead decided to stop taking Paxil the day before Ramadan started in April of 2022 and suffered unimaginable withdrawal symptoms while fasting and also on the most hormonally destructive birth control ever? I do think having an awful immediate post-Paxil period was what had kicked off the relapse. I didn't give myself time to experience withdrawal in a healthy way. And then I got Covid in May, hah. By June, my sleep schedule had not adjusted since my Covid had hit and I was only sleeping properly about 3 or 4 nights a week. I started compulsively ruminating about some vague stuff one day and then my sensorimotor OCD specifically dialed up to 100. I think I didn’t sleep for about five days straight before my mom was like… girl. You need to go back on the Paxil. Look at you. I was extremely hostile towards the idea of going on Paxil again, because it’d mean I’d be going into my fifth year of OCD medication and I’d have to deal with the pain of tapering and withdrawal all over again at some point. It felt like I was back to square one. This would have been my fourth time turning towards medication in desperation, my third ever OCD relapse, and I was like just please no. However, after another sleepless night, I realized I simply could not go on like this without doing anything. I kind of short-circuited and just agreed to restart the Paxil that day, and so I started a course in mid-June with an even larger dose than I had been taking in 2021.

I spent the rest of that vacation actually really chill and contented with life, no lie. I was really excited for uni to reopen in the fall. I was also feeling my obsessional doubts lurking about much less. My mind was quiet and lulled. Let me make it clear: my compulsions did not cease, they were just much less intense and less debilitating. I still did compulsions daily, in a maladaptive way. But I also started paying attention to the idea that, huh, maybe I don’t absolutely need to immediately do all my compulsions for several hours a day. If the medication can make the obsession go away, then the obsession’s not… real. Whoa. Like while on the Paxil, I knew my fears were still, logically speaking, wriggling behind the surface, but I wasn’t responding to them because I didn’t feel the anxiety and the panic they would usually cause. So, didn’t that mean that I simply… don’t have to respond at all? I won't die if I don't do it. So it was in October of 2022 I tried some very passive non-engagement and non-responsive strategies for the first time on my own. I would simply remind myself that I don’t have to do this thing even when I felt the mortal urge to do the thing and that I wouldn’t collapse into pieces if I didn't do the thing. I was still drugged up, but it was a turning point in my OCD journey where I applied some logic to my predicament and realized I don’t need to be doing any of these compulsions at all for something catastrophic not to happen. By last fall, my OCD was revolving around four main themes (the usual suspects): existential OCD, sensorimotor OCD, general Pure-O, and perfectionism OCD. Since I was a small child, I have had multiple theme switches but these are the ones that have stayed for the last couple of years. I discovered last fall that non-engagement was very much doable (even though I wasn’t actively doing ERP yet).

By the first week of 2023, I firmly decided I wanted to make a change in my life: cut off the meds and stop being plagued by OCD. So I started researching the basics of ERP, the different ERP models, stuff like ACT and ICBT, and liaising with therapists. (These different treatments and acronyms are all easily googleable so... yeah.) The nature of my OCD is 90% mental and almost constant, and so it was decided between me and my psychiatrist that I'd have to do my exposures by myself, which was ultimately for the better. I supplemented the time not spent in a therapist's office by listening to podcasts by psychiatrists, licensed clinicians, and certified counselors which tremendously helped me as I started practicing ERP. And ERP is brutal, like I cannot stress this enough. I compiled a list of notes and ERP instructions to follow, following the model of RF-ERP developed by Dr. Michael Greenberg whose articles on OCD have completely changed the way I conceptualize OCD, and they deffo sped up my recovery. Ali Greymond's model for reducing OCD compulsions also immensely helped me on a daily basis to reduce compulsions and navigate recovery. The theories behind ICBT also helped me "respond" to my OCD in a logical realistic way, even though I don't believe ICBT in a bubble will truly work for me by itself to reduce my OCD; I think it'd only fuel rumination if used in isolation for me. What has really worked for me on the individual level is ERP using the Inhibitory Learning Model, supplemented with ICBT theory as a secondary measure. I truly believe each OCD client needs a customized approach to OCD treatment depending on their individual symptoms and compulsions. For example, traditional ERP sees obsessions as something "normal" and intrusive, which I've come to fundamentally reject and instead choose to see as the obsessional doubt which is is part of the obsessional process, following the ICBT model. However, to get rid of my intense compulsions and reduce the grip of the obsessional doubt on me, I still need to mainly do ERP using an Inhibitory Learning model. I don't see enough of ICBT being applicable to all of my obsessions and compulsions nor do I believe ICBT will work well enough on its own for my frequent theme switches. I think ICBT helps me logically conceptualize the obsessional doubt as a mechanism and reiterates everything I learn in ERP, but doing ERP with Inhibitory Learning is what primarily helps me understand and accept that the obsessional doubt was never true in and of itself and that not acting on it is always possible.

Most importantly, I stopped Paxil at the end of January 2023 after taperin for 3 months before. And I gave myself an ample emotional window to deal healthily with withdrawal while also doing ERP multiple times daily. Which feels great. I was honestly sick and tired of living on medication for 5 years straight. Honestly, I feel like I've made some leaps in terms of non-engagement with my OCD symptoms. In the past it was always "I'll just mellow my mind with the meds" but I've come to realize my own personal agency in terms of doing compulsions. A major step I've made was the dissolution of the Thought Parliament and the Thought Guard (my psychiatrist approves of the names). For many years, I've manually sorted through and compartmentalized my different thoughts in a large mental cabinet that was carefully surveyed. I essentially, for many years, had my thoughts categorized and sorted in folders and cupboards, which I've come to name the Thought Parliament. I also used military-esque strategies to do the constant "checks and balances" on my thoughts in the Thought Parliament, a process which I've thusly named the Thought Guard. For the first time in my life, I've not let the Thought Parliament and Thought Guard dictate my life and I've been kinda normal in the head. I could not believe that this is how the majority of people live their lives, that is, with the absence of the constant irritation concerning just... regular thinking and information processing. It feels like coming up for air after being submerged for my whole life. As I had explained in Part 1, since I was a kid I've had OCD and so it's been very difficult for me to separate my OCD from myself, constantly defined by precise self-imposed mental rituals, and so it's quite a jarring (but welcome) experience to just think normally and realize I'm very capable of that.

I had a couple of setbacks in mid-March and early April. I've had several minor setbacks since starting ERP which is entirely normal, but I haven't had any signs of a relapse. I've tried to remain consistent in doing ERP and listening to information about OCD and ERP a few times weekly. Likewise, when I was diagnosed with OCPD, my psychiatrist said it's less about my visible behaviors-slash-relationships and more about my values and thought processes in terms of how my OCPD manifests. Essentially, my OCPD has often been one of the main driving forces of my OCD which in turn made my OCPD stronger. So I've been trying to reorient my values and be more mindful of my clinical perfectionistic tendencies, my workaholism, my rigidness. And I'm grateful that I've been doing better. I find I feel light-hearted when I conceptualize my mental health future right now. So I'm officially considering myself in OCD recovery, which isn't something I've ever actually done before. I think (I hope) that I experienced some growth this Ramadan, and so I'm going to try to keep the best of the holy month with me as I go forward into 2023. If you wanna discuss any of what I talked about here privately or via an ask, that's fine, but no reblogs on this post please!

[ask-me-about-therapy]

Worth a Try ..

Primarily obsessional obsessive–compulsive disorder, also known as purely obsessional obsessive–compulsive disorder (Pure O),[1] is a lesser-known form or manifestation of OCD. It is not a diagnosis in the DSM-5.[2] For people with primarily obsessional OCD, there are fewer observable compulsions, compared to those commonly seen with the typical form of OCD (checking, counting, hand-washing, etc.). While ritualizing and neutralizing behaviors do take place, they are mostly cognitive in nature, involving mental avoidance and excessive rumination.[3] Primarily obsessional OCD takes the form of intrusive thoughts often of a distressing, sexual, or violent nature (e.g., fear of acting on impulses).[4]

According to the DSM-5, "The obsessive-compulsive and related disorders differ from developmentally normative preoccupations and rituals by being excessive or persisting beyond developmentally appropriate periods. The distinction between the presence of subclinical symptoms and a clinical disorder requires assessment of a number of factors, including the individual's level of distress and impairment in functioning."[2]

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[sp00kysk3lly]

Sometimes I Get Lonely

(Not my poem!)

Sometimes I get lonely

Instagram, Twitter, Facebook

Always connecting but not connected

Sometimes I get lonely

Looking to the future

Forgetting to be in the present

Sometimes I get lonely

Thinking someday, one day

Never thinking right here, right now

Sometimes I get lonely

Phone's on, WiFi's up

Waiting for it to buzz

Sometimes I get lonely

Just waiting...

Always waiting...

[bipolar-bi]

Another one for this series! OCD this time.

[Image description: a series of slides about OCD.

1:

OCD 101

from somebody who actually has it [smiley face]

2:

Definition

- Obsessive compulsive disorder is what it sounds like: a disorder characterized by obsessions and compulsions. These obsessions and compulsions are excessive and interfere with a person’s day to day life and/or cause immense distress.

3:

Obsessions

- Obsessions are unwanted, recurring thoughts, urges, or images. They may cause feelings such as fear, anger, or guilt.

- Obsessions can involve anything. Some common ones involve contamination, symmetry, harm coming to oneself or others, and immoral sexual acts.

4:

Compulsions

- Compulsions are repetitive actions that one feels driven to perform. They may be mental actions as well. For some, compulsions can be stressful to perform. Compulsions typically provide temporary relief from obsessions.

- Compulsions may or may not be realistically connected to a person's obsessions. Like obsessions, compulsions can involve anything. Some examples include repeating certain phrases in one's head, washing hands, checking things like locks or the stove, and asking for reassurance.

5:

Types

- OCD obsessions and compulsions can be about anything. Having more than one type is not uncommon. Some examples of common types follow.

- Harm: A person with harm OCD may obsess over hurting themselves or others. They may avoid anything that could cause harm and repeatedly check that no one has been hurt.

- Pedophilia: A person with pedophilia OCD may have unwanted sexual thoughts about children and fear that they have sexually touched a child. They may avoid being around children and mentally or physically punish themselves.

6:

Types (Cont.)

- Relationship: A person with relationship OCD may fear that they are not with the right person or that their partner may leave them. They may ruminate, look online to see if they should be with their partner, or ask their partner for reassurance.

- Contamination: A person with contamination OCD may obsess over germs and contamination. They may fear getting or spreading illness. They may wash their hands, shower, and clean items.

- “Just Right”: A person with “just right” OCD may need things to feel or look a certain way. They may rearrange things and do things until they feel “right.”

7:

Pure OCD

- Purely obsessional OCD, also called Pure O, is characterized by obsessions that occur without observable compulsions. There are compulsions, though, which may involve asking for reassurance, avoiding things or situations, and repeatedly going over memories to determine that nothing bad happened.

- There is controversy surrounding this subtype because of its nature of not involving compulsions that can be seen.

8:

Treatment

- The most common therapy for OCD is exposure and response prevention, a type of cognitive behavioral therapy. This therapy involves gradual exposure to one’s obsession while avoiding compulsions.

- Medications such as antidepressants may be used in addition to therapy.

End description]

[valerieismss]

Thinking about Domini…Domini, whose main character struggle is her obsession with moral pureness. She sees it as unattainable because of her scrupulosity ocd—she believes that by definition, any acts of goodness are just attempts at self preservation. She is blind to any sort of altruistic characteristic she may possess because she believes in her condition qualifies it, and thus ruins its integrity.

As such, Domini is on a lot of medication. Like, A Lot. She’s on a dose of zoloft that surpasses the legal maximum. She’s on antipsychotics, because her ocd borders on delusion—it’s severe, and diagnostically she’s documented as having poor insight. She is an unwavering believer of her mediocrity, and has lost faith in her ability to improve without medical aid. To be fair, from her perspective, it would make sense. Her health continues to decline even as she does what she believes is the purest moral act that she can do, which is anonymous and traumatizing volunteering at citrus.

Why doesn’t it work? She wonders often if there is an inherent filth to her character. Her life is a desperate attempt at a shower during a drought. Her motifs have a lot to do with Catholic imagery, since she’s basically martyring herself (specifically, her sanity) on a daily by volunteering. But literally. Unbeknownst to her, she is literally destroying her neural health by taking the medication that all volunteers are required to take in order to enter mindscapes. She is decaying.

I’m not quite sure what the effects of this medication are just yet. I’m thinking they speed up the process of myelin sheath decay—as in, they cause VERY early onset dementia. Or maybe somehow episodes of it.

Essentially, Domini’s brain is currently as medicated as it gets. She’s unwashable and unrinseable. Her motifs, up until now, have consistently just been…Catholicism. Angel wings but no halo. Crosses everywhere. Bleeding heart dove. Harsh judgement, staunch criticism, and an unforgiving mind.

But I think it would be really fun to give her a decay motif. Specifically, I think that her corruption should not only be mental but physical.

Domini is based on me but worse, and my worst fears involve corruption. Moreover, they involve a strong fear of filth. This is probably because I grew up in a hoarder house. It’s not a severe hoard by any means, but it is…diagnosable. I’m not germaphobic, my ocd is mostly pure obsessional—those are the grounds of my diagnosis. But Domini isn’t a one to one replica of me…she could be a little different.

Emery also has ocd, theirs is moral scrupulosity while Domini’s is kind of a mix between moral and religious scrupulosity. Emery, however, also has mental contamination ocd. This is when obessions of impurity are followed by compulsions of physical cleanliness. I incorporated this into their design—Emery’s office is usually extremely—and almost hauntingly—clean. Their hands are scarred from excessive hand washing, which is their main compulsion. They probably also have chemical burns on them from excessive use of chemical cleaning materials.

Domini isn’t really like that. Her exhaustion comes through in her appearance. She tries to look put together, yes, but she’s got heavy eyebags and VERY grown out roots. (Emery also has heavy eyebags, but they’re 43). While her clothes aren’t dirty, it should be noted that she has very oily skin and hair. She hides it well enough, but upon close inspection, she has poor hygiene habits.

There’s a point where we get to see Domini’s inner landscape and her corrupted form. Filth may be a good motif here. It would be interesting, and not difficult to pair with her already existing motifs—rusty rosaries, expired wine, moldy bread…and also. I find this motif extremely underused…but what about her menstrual cycle?

We know she has poor hygiene, a product of self neglect due to depression due to a feeling of incurable inadequacy. She is a perfectionist, and with perfectionists, sometimes you simply don’t give something a solid attempt because you believe failure is certain. Blood is a strong motif within Christianity. Periods are a source of shame for many afab people. Again, Domini is somewhat put together—she brushes her teeth, she wears deodorant, she tries to not appear disagreeable which includes making sure that she doesn’t bleed through her clothing. However, poor period hygiene is relatively easy to hide aside from making sure you don’t bleed through your clothing.

I don’t think periods are an inherently dirty thing. I don’t want my writing to portray them as such. But Domini? Domini DOES think this—she’s been raised by image obsessed people who shamed her on the daily, who were never satisfied no matter how clean she tried to be (eventually, she mostly gave up on these pursuits, hence her poor hygiene). I want players to understand that Domini subconsciously believes periods are filthy, but I don’t. That said, something about dirty pads and tampons left for days on end is absolutely horrific, I think those things are for most people. It’s not something I see utilized in horror often, but it’s the reality of a lot of depressed afab people. I just think this motif is so poignant. It’s the most jarring visual representation of Domini’s shame that I can think of.

Domini believes she is filthy. Her mental landscape is littered with expired Catholic food and used period products to represent her deep sense of shame. I think grease would also add to that.

Grease scares me a lot. I hate the feeling of it, and to me, it’s one of the most dirty things imaginable—a product of gluttony. For Domini, a character who deprives herself of any indulgences, grease is symbolically diametrically opposed to who she desperately tries to be. But how would I incorporate that…? I’m not sure. Where exactly would I put it…greasy pads don’t exist. That would really suck if they did. I guess I could make them greasy. Ugh. That’s so gross. Oh! I guess I could do that. But it doesn’t feel like enough, and I’m not sure the symbolism would come through.

I should mention that another one of Domini’s motifs is candles. I can’t think of anything interesting to do with them. With everything else I’ve thought up, I’d probably also include some fleas. Duh. I think Domini and Emery are very similar people, but I like being able to delineate this difference between them. Emery’s feelings of inadequacy manifest into a fixation on cleanliness, Domini’s manifest into self neglect. I quite enjoy this foil.

I’ll be thinking on this more. Thank you for reading if you did. I lastly want to mention that I am much normaler than these two and thankfully due to my years of therapy and medication I do take care of myself.

[tysonfurybattlepass]

i think denali suffers from frequent obsessive intrusive thoughts about hurting people so when she’s upset and completely withdraws/disengages it’s because she’s trying to deal with what’s going on inside her head before addressing what’s happening outside. this isn’t because she’s a lion or anything she just has pure obsessional ocd

[queerautism]

I keep hearing racist intrusive thoughts in my head. Pure o (purely obsessional) ocd can get bent

It such a shitty and exhausting experience, I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

[strawberryswitchblader]

i think i may have pure obsessional ocd but idk how i could ever explain it to anyone because i don't have any outward compulsions so id have to actually describe my intrusive thoughts to like prove that there's something wrong. and i am not doing that lol